Order of Man - Staying on the Path After Loss, Overcoming Procrastination, and Pushing Past Complacency ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart

00:00:05.020 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.

00:00:10.460 You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.260 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.860 you can call yourself a man. Sean, we're having a good time this morning, man.

00:00:28.100 Yeah, keeping us on our toes for sure. A little impromptu, a little technical difficulties.

00:00:36.760 Yeah, and what's funny is I think it's hilarious to share if you're okay with it. So we're sitting

00:00:42.820 here getting ready to record, and Sean has a friend or a neighbor over at the house like,

00:00:50.300 hey, what help do you need on your PC? And I see a sliver of this guy's face, and I'm like,

00:00:55.760 you look familiar. And then he's like, he looks back and he's like, Kip? I was like, no way.

00:01:03.220 Super hilarious. So that's your neighbor, more or less.

00:01:06.900 Yeah. Yeah. Totally random. That's funny. And I didn't even know he moved to Nashville or that area.

00:01:15.680 Yeah, he helped us move in. And then he helped Jamie with her book stuff with some of the click

00:01:24.500 funnel things and some of the stuff with that. He helped a ton with that. And then with email things

00:01:30.320 as well for all of that. And so he's been helping us with that. I'm like, well, now he's my tech guy.

00:01:37.020 So I needed help at the house. My whole house is automated, like everything, the lights, the sound,

00:01:45.420 everything. And I have no idea how to work any of it.

00:01:50.860 In due time, friend. Yeah. In due time. All right, man. So let's get into these questions. So we're

00:01:56.580 going to field questions from our Facebook group. Gentlemen, if you want to join us, and it's a way

00:02:01.040 of banding with us, join us on facebook.com slash group slash order of man. And if you're already a

00:02:07.360 member, that's a great way to help around the movement. Obviously sharing episodes, sharing the

00:02:14.840 YouTube videos from our YouTube channel, or inviting people to join the group. What we're doing here is

00:02:20.940 important. You guys know that we know that let's encourage other men to join us as we band together

00:02:29.560 to progress and to rise up and to stand for one another and about and stand for one another and

00:02:37.200 help us grow in all the many facets that we're all attempting to grow in. So once again, that's

00:02:43.920 facebook.com slash group slash order of man. Sean, let's just get right into it. Are you cool with that?

00:02:49.960 Let's do it. We don't get anonymous very often, but we have an anonymous question. How do I evaluate if

00:02:56.820 my church denomination is preaching the truth? If I disagree with some tenants, should I keep looking

00:03:04.520 until I find the quote unquote right church? Wow. That my answer would be to pray about that. You need to

00:03:13.900 get a feeling, go with what feels right. And then I think confirmation will come. I think it's rare that it

00:03:21.960 comes instantly. I think you have to go, you have to be a part of it. You have to interact and be

00:03:29.700 involved in whatever church that is and in their teachings. And then as you are reading through

00:03:36.900 scripture and praying and, and through that search, if it feels off, then maybe you try some other

00:03:44.340 churches. Maybe you try some other things. You ask other friends who seem like they have in their life,

00:03:49.980 what you want in your life. And then you go with them and see what happens there. That for me,

00:03:56.760 I can only give my, what happened to me because the church I go to now, I'm a convert to, I grew up

00:04:02.300 Catholic. And then I actually got baptized in a non-denominational church when I was like 13

00:04:08.420 and had a belief in God then straight from any church. My family, I have a dad who believes in God,

00:04:17.500 but not in organized religion. So obviously I was in an environment that could be pretty confusing.

00:04:25.120 And so, um, at, in my mid twenties, my wife and I started looking for a church to go to,

00:04:30.560 and we just started going different places. Um, where we landed is where we're at now.

00:04:35.380 It started with that made the most sense to me out of any church I had been to, and it felt right.

00:04:41.900 And so intuitively I, I went there because it felt the best, got baptized, got into the work of the

00:04:51.940 church, um, got different callings and Kip, you and I go to the same church. So you understand it.

00:04:59.200 I, they gave me, they put me to work right away, working with the young men. That was awesome.

00:05:04.440 Cause I'm like these 13 year old boys know more about the gospel than I do. And if that's what

00:05:10.100 they're teaching to kids and they're, they've got this much of a foundation and their character and

00:05:16.940 who they are and what they believe and, and how much of a better human it makes them compared to

00:05:24.360 how I was at 13 I'm in. And then I didn't get full confirmation that this was, if you want to say

00:05:33.920 the true church for me anyways, um, that happened like four years in, I think three or four years

00:05:43.140 when I was in a different calling. Um, and we were actually involved in teaching someone about the

00:05:49.740 church and I got a full spiritual confirmation that this was the true church for me. And so

00:05:55.320 it was an instant. It took time. I had to investigate, went to different churches,

00:06:01.720 lots of prayer, lots of scripture study. And then it came, that confirmation came unexpectedly when I

00:06:07.800 was doing, even though it was work in the church, it wasn't work in searching. And it came to me

00:06:15.220 anyways, but it was, like I said, I don't know if it was three, four, maybe even five years down the

00:06:19.900 road. Yeah. It takes a while. Yeah. And work and work on your part to know that one thing that

00:06:26.420 crossed my mind is, is when you were like the right church. Right. And I immediately thought like, well,

00:06:31.000 what's truth and how often has truth been present in front of me? And I didn't know it was truth

00:06:37.040 because I wasn't in position to receive it. So it's very, um, difficult to say like, Oh, you know,

00:06:44.560 just evaluate the church and you'll know, well, are you in a position to know truth? And, and most

00:06:51.260 importantly, like, here's the other thought too, is like, how often do churches preach false doctrine

00:06:57.400 all the time? And it doesn't mean that that church or that religion is wrong. It just means that there's

00:07:04.240 humans running it. Yeah. And, and there's going to be constant things that get taught all the time.

00:07:10.760 And I even feel that way all the times. Like I'm at church. I'd be like, well, you know,

00:07:15.580 that's not completely accurate. Right. Or there's some bad teaching happening and, and thought process

00:07:24.160 and thus the importance to your point, Sean, of the importance of your own testimony and your

00:07:30.340 own affirmation of what is true. And what are you doing? Agnostic of the organization or the church,

00:07:38.940 because you're going to get people preaching stuff all the time. That's not true. And, um,

00:07:45.400 and there's a balance, right? Cause I can imagine, right. If both of you and I were going to church

00:07:49.580 constantly and they're like, it was blatant wrong doctrine being taught all the time.

00:07:55.420 You'd probably bail, right? You'd probably go, Hey, you know what? The, the percentage of false

00:08:00.000 doctrine being taught versus the right stuff is not good for my kids and family. And I'm exiting,

00:08:05.420 or you can realize that humans are humans and you go to church and you're like, Oh, well, this is the

00:08:10.940 principles are being taught and we're 80% there. And, and some of that stuff, you're kind of like,

00:08:15.780 I don't know about that. And thus I'm going to seek personal affirmation of it. Or we realize that

00:08:21.760 humans are also running an organization and they're not perfect. And they're going to say things that

00:08:26.060 necessarily aren't always true. That's the importance of your own personal testimony.

00:08:30.000 Yeah. You know, Jordan Peterson, I heard him say that it's the belief, your belief in something

00:08:36.960 is what makes you better. And so if you believe it and you're better off in life, if you believe in

00:08:45.540 God, and if you follow the teachings of Christ or whatever it is, then not believing anything,

00:08:52.080 it, it gives you hope. It makes you a better person. It gives you accountability and, and puts you in a

00:08:58.980 position where you're going to be constantly trying to improve yourself because that's the doctrine

00:09:04.200 being taught is, is what you should do. And so you're much better off with it than without it.

00:09:10.400 And so regardless of where you're at, if you're, if you're doing it that way, as opposed to,

00:09:15.840 and I had this thought as you were saying that is that if you're in any church and you're trying to

00:09:22.340 find the flaws and you're trying to find what's not true and you're trying to find, you're trying to

00:09:27.540 find what's wrong. I think you're going to find that and it's going to make you less happy. It's

00:09:31.620 going to make you, it doesn't matter what church you're talking about. Yes. And so I think the key

00:09:35.840 is to be in there, look for what's right. I mean, if it starts to feel way off and, and that's

00:09:42.500 uncomfortable, then look elsewhere. But if overall the teachings are going to make you better and put

00:09:51.360 you on a better path in your life than where you're at currently, then that's, that's good.

00:09:57.660 I'd like to riff on this just a little bit. One distinction. I, we were down at the lake over

00:10:03.280 the weekend and we're talking to our neighbor. They, they have different religious beliefs and

00:10:09.060 we're, we're chatting about the church and different nuances, things that they don't understand.

00:10:13.960 And when I used to teach, I used to teach young men's and young women's. And when I, I can't

00:10:23.160 remember like what lesson it was in the Bible, but I latched onto this concept and I was like, oh my

00:10:28.600 gosh, like this is so critical. And so I, I always actually come back to it constantly, even with my

00:10:34.020 own children. And we are sharing it with this, with our neighbor friend over the weekend, that

00:10:39.220 there's a major distinction between social and organization that might comprise of a religious

00:10:47.340 organization and the gospel. And those things are not the same thing. And it's super, super important.

00:10:55.020 And, and I, I think this transcends religions. It's really important that you realize the differences

00:10:59.320 of those things, right? And, and how much of we have these social constructs or social, uh, scenarios,

00:11:06.800 and we might be doing those and you might misunderstand that that's gospel and it's not,

00:11:12.900 and, or even the organization, and that's not gospel. And so be mindful of that, especially when

00:11:18.380 we're passing judgment and trying to understand if the gospel is true or not, that you make that

00:11:24.240 distinction between those three things. Super important. Yeah. Great point.

00:11:28.420 All right. Daniel Weyers. I've had a eating issue all my life. I got on track for, for a few years and

00:11:37.180 dropped 50 kilograms, but this year I've lost both of my male role models, both of my uncles. I've

00:11:45.220 gotten right off the rails. How do I get some traction again? When all I want to do is self-medicate with

00:11:51.160 food. You know that this goes hand in hand with what we were just talking about, Kip, just attaching,

00:11:58.420 your happiness, your self-worth, your, um, view of the future based on the human beings around you and

00:12:11.020 in your life. Now, obviously there's emotional connection here, deep emotional connection to

00:12:17.640 these two people, but, um, and maybe this will be controversial. Maybe they'll be upset. Maybe they

00:12:27.400 won't, but you can attach all of your emotion, um, to somebody else, regardless if they're

00:12:34.580 your uncle, your father, your mother, your spouse, your kids, your, you know, you see this happen with

00:12:42.560 people that lose a child, which to me seems like the worst thing that could ever happen. You lose a

00:12:49.040 spouse or you lose a child and there's nothing worse in my opinion. And so if that happens, how do

00:12:56.180 they bounce back? How do they come back? Because their entire emotional support system isn't relying

00:13:03.180 on that person. And so at some point we have to shake ourselves from the dependency on looking

00:13:11.260 up to them and finding someone else to look up to. Uh, it just like, if you lose a spouse, you have to

00:13:17.340 at some point lose the dependency on who they were and what they meant to you in your life and find another

00:13:25.020 spouse. And not that you have to start that search right away, but you have to accept it and move on.

00:13:32.300 And so it's, uh, to just attach your current situation to them is actually not fair to them.

00:13:43.580 You have to take some personal responsibility at some point and move on and find those new male role

00:13:51.400 models to look up to. So probably not a popular response or answer. And even if it seems, uh,

00:13:58.900 you know, kind of uncaring and not compassionate, uh, it at the same time, there's probably some truth

00:14:06.160 in it. Um, you know, not that you're not going to mourn and, and feel bad and be upset that they're

00:14:12.920 not around anymore, but that's life. And so it's, whatever it is that you need to do to,

00:14:21.120 to shake yourself out and find something else to attach your hope or whatever you want to call it

00:14:28.520 to. I think that's an important first start that needs to be done right away.

00:14:34.060 Totally. And I could see that advice, Sean, being related to individuals that, you know, we,

00:14:39.580 those individuals are living in our lives and how much do we depend on them for motivation and

00:14:45.080 guidance and how sovereign are we being with our happiness and our convictions of what we're

00:14:51.960 wanting to accomplish. I feel, I want to kind of give Daniel, and this isn't in contrast to what you

00:14:57.840 just said, Sean, but just maybe some, an additional thing to consider is, you know, you obviously care

00:15:04.040 for your, your uncles, Daniel, and obviously our regards in regards to losing people. I mean, we,

00:15:09.580 we get that. And so hopefully we're not being, uh, insensitive to that, but I'd ask yourself,

00:15:16.340 what's the best way to honor them? You know, if they were meaningful to you, um, not were are

00:15:24.760 meaningful to you, then how do you honor them? And are you honoring them in self-medicating and not

00:15:30.860 living to your full potential? And the answer is no.

00:15:33.980 So if they really loved you, loved you, they'd want the best for you and you want to honor them

00:15:42.200 in, uh, and honor their legacy, then you need to rise up and, and be the man, man that, uh, they

00:15:49.780 wanted you to be. And that is one of the best ways for us to deal with grief as well is how do I need

00:15:56.560 to live, uh, to honor those that I've lost? And you know what that is. And I, and I think,

00:16:02.940 you know, what that is, and it probably doesn't include self-medicating. And then there's probably

00:16:06.580 even other aspects of your life that you could use to rise up, uh, and respect these men.

00:16:13.320 You articulated that way better than I did. That was, that was pretty much the thought,

00:16:18.960 but you, it was a better articulation.

00:16:20.760 No, but I really liked the idea that we get attached to people and we lose ourselves in

00:16:26.120 them. Right. Like you see this with, um, probably more particularly with mothers, you know, it's like 0.52

00:16:32.320 they end up, the last kid lives, the home leaves the home and they're like diswrought and depressed.

00:16:37.620 Why? Because their identity surrounded and their purpose in life was surrounded around raising a

00:16:44.400 child. And, and although that's beneficial to some extent, it's also damaging because guess

00:16:50.700 what children leave and your children don't love you the same way you love them. So what are you

00:16:57.580 going to do?

00:16:58.020 They're not supposed to, and they're never going to, but do you get what I point is like,

00:17:02.100 yes. You know, whenever we latch our sense of purpose to people, and this is the power of religion

00:17:08.100 is a higher purpose, something that's divine and greater than oneself that probably will never be

00:17:14.860 shaken and won't just disappear per se, like a person will, or if a person changes, like in this

00:17:20.620 example, let's say these uncles are, you know, these are amazing uncles for Daniel at one point.

00:17:26.340 Well, what if they hit a rough patch and they're not amazing anymore? Then what?

00:17:33.340 Yeah.

00:17:33.840 What are you going to like fall to pieces because these guys are humans and they decided to have a

00:17:39.260 bad riff in their lives? Like I see this even with like grandpas, you know, grandpas retire,

00:17:44.940 they get grumpy, maybe something shady from their past gets informed and people find out about it.

00:17:50.660 And then what? Your worlds are shaken. Your, your foundation is destroyed really because of a person

00:17:57.140 being human.

00:17:58.340 Because they let you down.

00:17:59.780 Yeah. And if you think about it, that really lacks a huge amount of empathy. Like you alluded to it,

00:18:04.360 it's unfair. I don't know about you, but I've been in relationships where I was like needed to that

00:18:12.500 extent for someone else's happiness. Unfair, totally unfair. Can't even have a bad day.

00:18:18.880 Right. Because everyone else is, is going to be, you know what's the word I'm looking for?

00:18:24.580 Like their day falls apart just because you're having a bad day because they're so dependent

00:18:28.720 on how you show up. Yeah. Well, let me ask you this and you don't have to, you don't want to

00:18:35.300 get into it. I'd be willing to also, but you just lost your dad and I just lost my mom around the

00:18:41.280 same time. Right. It's, it's, she was almost exactly a year ago. And so we've just gone through

00:18:48.140 this. Right. So what did you do? If you didn't get into self-medicating and whatever else, what was

00:18:53.240 the thing that helped you to not dwell on the fact that you can't call dad anymore?

00:18:59.980 Yeah, for sure. Well, here's the fun part. I'm going to add maybe an element to the conversation

00:19:05.280 that, that you're not asking because I want to be really clear on this and not add a disrespect,

00:19:11.620 but really out of a position of like a powerful way of being in my opinion. So for all intents and

00:19:18.780 purposes on paper, my dad was not a good dad. Like it was actually quite interesting as I,

00:19:24.740 as I made my post about honoring him on social media, I did get a lot of comments like, Oh,

00:19:31.880 you know who you are as a manager reflection, how great your dad was. And you know what I mean? Like

00:19:36.880 you should be proud and whatever. And it's funny because anyone that knew my dad, he was actually

00:19:41.880 kind of a shitty dad. Like he really wasn't a good dad. Um, however, I, I still honor him and 0.96

00:19:51.580 respect him because one, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him, but I, I accepted him the way he

00:19:57.440 was. I got really present to the idea that I loved him and I appreciate it because I chose to

00:20:05.160 not because of how he was not because of this, not because of that, not because of any of those

00:20:10.380 pretense because I chose to. And, and imagine the power of that, Sean, when we even think about

00:20:16.740 spouses, why do you love your wife? Everyone will typically say, well, she's a good mom. She's this, 0.91

00:20:21.460 she's that. And what happens when she's not? Yeah. Are you going to still choose to love her then?

00:20:30.020 And I, and for parents, we don't get to choose them necessarily. Right. But I get to choose to accept

00:20:37.320 and honor him and love him for the person he was. Now, with that said, how did I deal with like the

00:20:44.320 loss of a parent is almost to be frank. What I said earlier to Daniel was, you know what I saw the man,

00:20:51.680 I saw him for who he was. And as a human realizing that I need to have empathy to see how he showed up

00:21:01.360 in the world. And there's so much aspects of him that I will never know. Right. Because I I'm not him.

00:21:07.680 Right. And he wasn't as open in communication. So, um, I make my own assumptions. I knew he loved me.

00:21:14.520 I knew he loved my siblings and, and through that really focusing on honoring him and, and making sure

00:21:26.480 that I show up in a powerful way as a father, perhaps what I think in a way that I, I think he

00:21:34.320 wishes he would have. And so I use the power of, of him, you know, and, and don't get wrapped up in

00:21:43.480 this anybody. I'm this is, this used to be my story way back when it's not my story anymore. So it's not

00:21:48.880 like it doesn't have an emotional meat to it. Right. But I used to run this story. Like he never saw me

00:21:54.340 play basketball. Never. This man has never been to a single game of my, of any sport I've ever

00:21:59.420 played. I never been in the movies with him. Literally my time spent with my father was always

00:22:05.040 working. If I want to spend time with him, I had to go work. That, that is how you spent time with

00:22:10.880 him. We never had quote unquote fun. And I can use that and go, do you think like the probability of

00:22:20.640 him being on his deathbed and probably regretting putting work before his children? We could probably

00:22:28.280 all assume that there, that was there because in the end guys, all that matters is really our

00:22:34.160 relationships that we have with people, not the homes, not the money, not any of this other stuff.

00:22:39.480 And so there's a high probability that he wishes he would have. And so I use that and go, you know what,

00:22:45.460 then I'm going to learn from him. I'm going to honor him by learning from him and saying, you know what,

00:22:49.120 I'm going to make these things a little bit higher priority, not maybe a little bit,

00:22:52.480 a lot more higher priority than he did. And I'm going to show up in a way because that's probably

00:22:57.120 what you'd want. How about you? Yeah. You answered it, even though it was a different

00:23:05.140 answer than I think most people would expect. And the way that you answered it is that you took from him,

00:23:13.780 maybe the gifts that he had, the things that he did well, incorporated them into your life and how

00:23:20.040 you were, I mean, I'm sure you have a great, like, I know you have a great work ethic, right? So

00:23:25.520 that's 100% from my father. So if you took that from him as a gift and you took it and ran with it,

00:23:33.080 and then you discarded the things that were don't serve you. And so that's the same thing.

00:23:39.960 The difference is, is that, you know, maybe he let you down at some point or you felt like he did.

00:23:46.080 And, um, and you detached from that earlier in your life and it made you more sovereign.

00:23:54.380 It made you better because you knew what not to do. And so the only thing I could say is that if,

00:24:00.720 if he, this guy who asked the question, if he didn't have that from his uncles and all he saw

00:24:07.280 was the good, and that's all he thought they were, um, either way, he still needs to detach

00:24:13.940 his worth from that, take what they did well, be inspired to be that man that they would want him to

00:24:23.040 be and be sovereign in it, you know, and, and, and get better at those things. Um, and then just as

00:24:31.300 a last point, it again, kind of back to the compassion part of it. If there is a, if he still

00:24:40.020 feels like he just can't detach, then he's got to talk with somebody and go to therapy, go and sit

00:24:47.600 with somebody who knows what they're talking about psychologically and can help them through the

00:24:52.460 process. I think too many men are afraid of that because it, it's proof that they're broken.

00:24:58.360 So, I mean, and so the proof is already there if he's self-medicating with food. So get in front

00:25:05.820 of somebody who can really help him psychologically and get him on a better path, maybe give him some

00:25:10.820 resources for filling those gaps. Daniel, Jocko did an episode and you can message me on Instagram if

00:25:19.280 you want, um, or Facebook, but Jocko did a podcast episode around dealing with grief. I've shared it

00:25:26.060 with tons of people over the years. Um, I logically understood what Jocko was saying, but it didn't

00:25:34.340 really actually connect to me with me until my father passed. And then I was like, Oh, I got it.

00:25:40.500 You know, like it, it, it was, um, very meaningful episode. So, um, I can shoot that your way, Sean.

00:25:48.500 How about you? How did you deal with, if you don't mind me asking that question, how was that for

00:25:53.560 you and, in the loss of your mom? It, I had, my mom and I were best friends. So mine was a little

00:26:03.100 different than yours because up until I got super close, um, I was the oldest of three and she was a

00:26:12.660 single mom. And so I was kind of more of the father figure in our household. We were super close.

00:26:17.200 We were best. You're the older brother. I hated. Yeah. Yeah, probably. It's funny because my,

00:26:24.040 my brother and sister call me the golden child, you know, like it's kind of in her eyes, I guess.

00:26:28.620 I got that title too. That, that they, I could not do wrong in her eyes to them, I guess. And, um,

00:26:36.880 and so we were super close. Um, and, but then we weren't super close in that sense.

00:26:45.540 Once I started a business, got married, got, you had kids.

00:26:50.480 Cause you were replacing her.

00:26:52.520 Yeah. Yeah. And, um, Ryan and I, I think it was a few weeks ago, actually talked about this and

00:26:58.700 one of the podcasts and of how I had to have the difficult conversation with her at one point of,

00:27:03.240 Hey, like, look, I'm not like, you're not number one anymore. And that was really difficult.

00:27:08.480 But in saying that, because we were so close, because we're such great friends and I respected

00:27:14.580 her so much, um, that we, I was deeply attached to her emotionally. And so when she passed, um,

00:27:23.640 one thing that was helpful is that she had cancer and it was a very difficult, painful cancer that

00:27:29.540 started in her face and ended up in her lungs. Um, literally where like a big chunk of her face fell

00:27:35.580 off, like decomposed and, and, you know, through those couple of years and excruciating pain and

00:27:42.580 that sort of thing. And so when she passed, it was almost like a relief, um, so that she wasn't

00:27:47.360 suffering anymore. Um, that was helpful. The second part was that, um, I always honored her.

00:27:56.860 And even if she didn't agree with how I parented and everything else, the type of man I knew she wanted 0.58

00:28:01.740 me to be, whether she understood it that way or not is who I was being by fathering the way I do

00:28:08.800 that everything, even if she didn't totally agree with it. And so I, because I detached before she

00:28:16.540 passed, when she passed, I didn't attach my emotional wellbeing to her and how she expected

00:28:28.060 me to be and wanted me to be. And so I think it comes down to, she must have done her job well

00:28:37.940 because I became so sovereign that I was willing to even let her know that she wasn't like first

00:28:45.240 and foremost in my mind anymore, whether or not she saw it that way. I, I, Ryan talks about this a lot,

00:28:52.020 that our job is to build up sovereign people, sovereign humans, uh, you know, men and women

00:29:00.380 in our, in our sons and daughters that can make a positive impact in their communities and in society.

00:29:08.620 And through that is a lot of detachment that we're going to have to give on our part, but it's also

00:29:14.520 involves a lot of, uh, stepping up from our kids that they're going to have to do as they take over

00:29:22.320 their sovereignty and become more independent of us. And so I think that because she did that well

00:29:31.700 and, and whether it was just her or, you know, part of some of the stuff that I got from my dad as

00:29:38.060 well, uh, either way, uh, I think the work on myself before she got to the point of passing

00:29:45.320 in, in controlling emotions, becoming sovereign made it so that when she passed, it was a little

00:29:52.300 easier. And so I, the only thing maybe I would add in thinking about that now saying it is that,

00:29:57.820 you know, maybe he didn't have as much sovereignty as he thought before they passed.

00:30:02.720 And it's something that he wasn't really working on and maybe it was dependent on them,

00:30:08.140 whether it was them helping hold him accountable, um, continuing to be those good examples that he

00:30:14.120 could attach to or whatever it was, uh, maybe didn't have enough support around him and increasing

00:30:20.340 his sovereignty, um, before that. Right. So I don't know if this came from the IC or if it was

00:30:26.820 Facebook, but I think you said Facebook. Yeah. I mean, maybe the guy needs to join the IC

00:30:32.460 or a group that can, that he can find more men that will push him. That'll help him to be better.

00:30:40.000 That will be good examples that he can attach to and look up to until he gains that sovereignty on

00:30:44.800 his own. All right, Vincent, uh, Bella, Tony, do you find your game and skill the game? Hold on a

00:30:52.280 second. All right. We're talking jujitsu. Do you find your game and skill develop faster? If you're,

00:30:56.540 you're, if you're focusing on a particular aspect of training for a session, or do you find a more

00:31:02.160 broad, let's just roll and see what happens approach to work better for you? Reason I ask

00:31:06.780 is I know focusing on particular aspects of my style when kickboxing and self-defense, such as

00:31:12.300 defense and head movement really helped me develop that individual skill faster than just going in

00:31:17.900 without something I'm working on in particular, which would, uh, which would up my whole game when

00:31:23.940 I threw it all together. I feel Brazilian jujitsu is much more complex and three-dimensional. So it

00:31:30.260 might be difficult to focus on one thing, but there might be a way to it. I'm just not seeing.

00:31:36.640 How do you want me to just ramble off here?

00:31:40.400 The I'll just say mine and it'll be quick and you're, you're going to have better perspective,

00:31:46.480 I think, because you've been training longer than me, but I can say that I just recently changed

00:31:51.960 gyms in our move. And the gym I was going to before was more of almost like a fight club where

00:31:57.160 they did teach technique. Um, that the, my sensei there was a, he was like a six degree black belt

00:32:03.300 in Japanese jujitsu. And like, I think third degree, third or fourth degree in Brazilian jujitsu.

00:32:08.720 So he's very well versed. Uh, he also, uh, I think was a black belt in judo maybe. So he was,

00:32:15.000 he had different styles and things he understood. Um, but he was kind of back end of teaching,

00:32:21.360 I think, and turned it into more where guys could come in and roll. And if guys wanted to come in

00:32:27.040 as white belts and get their butts kicked, they could, and you teach them a little bit here and 0.99

00:32:32.280 there. And, but it wasn't super structured is, is the point. And so this new gym that I, 0.98

00:32:38.120 that I'm in now is super structured, uh, by a fourth degree Brazilian jujitsu black belt,

00:32:45.980 who's only trained in Brazilian jujitsu. And so he's very structured, very, where we come in,

00:32:53.900 it's 30 minutes of teaching a specific thing and just, you know, repeat, repeat, repeat,

00:33:02.580 repeat, drill, drill, drill, drill. And then you free roll for the last half hour. So you get

00:33:08.120 both, but I think doing it that way for me already has been more effective in my learning.

00:33:15.440 And I think the curve is going to be much faster. Um, now I'm saying that to me, just kind of going

00:33:23.360 into fight club for the last few years has also given me a lot when it comes to free rolling, where

00:33:29.260 I, I find stuff, can see stuff, notice things that maybe I wouldn't have noticed, uh, as much

00:33:38.120 with just the structure, as opposed to guys actually choking me out so much, um, you know,

00:33:44.640 in different ways. And so it was good on both, but for sure, the, the specifics of training,

00:33:53.780 drilling and repeating one thing, even into our free roll to me has been more effective.

00:34:00.520 My learning curve, I think it's going to be much faster.

00:34:04.280 Yeah, I would agree. I just echo what you said. I feel, don't get me wrong. Open rolling and just

00:34:12.720 free rolling is, is amazing, but it, it becomes more creative. Yes. But creative based upon what?

00:34:20.720 Experience. Yeah, exactly. So if you have minimal experience in your quote unquote, free rolling,

00:34:26.880 there's not much artistic creation occurring because you don't know anything yet. So that's

00:34:32.800 going to become more valuable. The more you train and, and creative thought process and your own

00:34:38.380 entries and your own submissions start showing up only because you were focused in on learning

00:34:44.780 other detailed aspects of jujitsu. So to your point, Vincent, I think you focusing on a particular,

00:34:50.860 um, submission or position is spot on and actually highly valuable. And I would recommend it a lot,

00:34:58.520 especially early on in your, in your jujitsu. The way I see it, it's always like when I,

00:35:05.200 when I used to compete, I'd always like work it through in my head that, all right, what are my

00:35:12.560 one, two, three, four options standing up? Like, what am I looking for? All right. If I get side

00:35:18.700 control, what's my go-to one, two, three, four. And then if I choose option two and they counter,

00:35:25.320 what's my one, two, three counters to their counter and et cetera, you should know those,

00:35:29.960 like those should be kind of flushed out in your mind. Certainly early on in your jujitsu of like,

00:35:37.000 what's your go-to moves. And then what you'll end up learning is, Hey, okay. I'm really amazing at

00:35:43.140 guillotines or foot locks or whatever. Now I'm not going to do those at class anymore.

00:35:48.360 And now in open mat, I'm trying to just really focus in on the Kimura. And so I'm just going to

00:35:55.300 Kimura every damn thing that walks and see how it works out. And people are going to offend it and 0.97

00:36:01.440 it's not going to work. And I'm going to stick with it and evolve it and just fine tune. And that's

00:36:06.960 not going to be present. If I go default to what works all the time versus forcing myself to focus

00:36:13.440 on a particular aspect of jujitsu, that's the only way you're going to get better at it. So to your

00:36:18.300 point, Vincent, it sounds like you're already on that path, that focal point that you saw in

00:36:22.380 kickboxing. I'd continue down that same exact thing. And the only last thing I'd add, I used to

00:36:28.360 train under Vitor Shaolin in New York. In fact, I got my blue belt from Vitor, geez, 11 years ago,

00:36:35.900 10 years ago. And Shaolin always taught a particular way to break the guard and pass.

00:36:42.440 And I never did it. Like he would teach it and I would like not do it. And I remember in class

00:36:49.060 once he's like, you know, in his, in his Brazilian accent, like, what are you doing? You know,

00:36:53.380 like, why aren't you like, why aren't you breaking the guard? Like I teach you. And I told him, I'm

00:36:57.780 like, because I get swept. I always get swept whenever I try that. And he's like, well, you get swept

00:37:02.860 because you're not committed to trying it. That's how you don't get swept is by doing the thing that

00:37:09.100 sweeps you all the time. And eventually you learn how to break the guard and not get swept in that

00:37:13.980 particular position. But my mindset at the time was survive, don't get swept. So I wouldn't try

00:37:19.520 certain moves because I didn't want to get swept. Yeah. And it's like, it was only in the failure of

00:37:24.940 being swept that I learned not to get swept in that, in regards to that guard break and pass.

00:37:30.100 Now it's like my number one guard break and pass. Like that's how I break the guard and pass that

00:37:37.160 same exact way. He taught me that I was so unwilling to try because I got swept all the time.

00:37:42.620 Wow. How long do you think you stayed in one idea? What do you think's kind of the longest,

00:37:50.620 right? You were talking about maybe if it's Kimura, if it's whatever it is that you're working.

00:37:54.880 I think it changes based upon your obsession with it and as well as your school and how quick

00:38:00.840 they've latched. Because let's be frank, what happens is you get in these bubbles in your school

00:38:04.880 and you know the guys' stuff, right? So I have to watch like Jason South will calf slice me constantly

00:38:14.140 over and over. So I'm rolling different with him because I know that game versus if I was a brand new

00:38:20.660 guy coming into school, right? My perception would be different. And that also benefits us

00:38:25.060 because now I'm countering that submission that he's amazing at. And now I'm making him work harder

00:38:31.140 if he really wants it. Yeah. And so I don't know, man, I think it depends on how long you've been

00:38:36.880 training. I've been. That's why I asked you how long, because like for me, I'm new, I'm learning all

00:38:43.120 the time. So I'm not going to go in with something like you're saying as often or really quite frankly,

00:38:48.240 much at all, because I'm like a sponge. And so for you as a black bell and way more years 0.57

00:38:56.240 behind you as you're going in, that's what I'm saying about how long, if you're not going in,

00:39:01.720 obviously learning fundamentals now, but you want to work on a specific part of your game,

00:39:05.960 what do you think is the longest you've found yourself being obsessed on

00:39:09.540 getting a certain technique down? Probably about a year and a half, almost two years.

00:39:14.060 Wow. Yeah. Yeah. The Kimura I've been just, just like, I just go for it everywhere lately for

00:39:23.560 really last two years. So bad that like at the gym, everyone's like, Oh, it's the Kimura is what

00:39:29.240 they call it because I'm so, and I'll do it in, in a ridiculous way. Like I'll go when I shouldn't

00:39:36.740 go for it. And I will hold onto it when I should probably let it go. But I'm, but I want to spill

00:39:42.020 all the resistance, all the problems I have with it. And now it's evolved because everyone has

00:39:48.380 leveled up the defense and now what was working before it's not working anymore. And so there's

00:39:54.260 still something to learn. And so I'm just still latched onto it. Yeah. And now it's evolving into

00:40:00.440 something else. Right. Because it's, it's not working anymore. Like it used to. Yeah. That was

00:40:07.520 a big answer to a big question. I think, cause I was thinking like months, right? Maybe we, I was

00:40:14.540 thinking in the range of weeks or months because of the level I'm at. So I think that was an important

00:40:19.860 for anybody to hear that there's depending on what it is and what level you're at it, there's

00:40:25.660 different timeframes for. And I, and I think that's true, Sean. Like for instance, I think

00:40:30.540 what will probably happen for most guys is they'll go, okay, I'm going to focus in on, I don't know,

00:40:36.720 offense from side control. And I'm just going to like go heads down until you're at class and open

00:40:43.220 mat and people are blowing through your guard and submitting you all the time. Then you're probably

00:40:47.460 going to stop and go, you know what? Pivot. I'm going to focus on guard retention and defense off

00:40:53.800 my back because that's the lowest issue that I'm having right now. All right. Next one. All right.

00:41:00.400 Next question. Uh, uh, uh, uh, Seaman Leboeuf. Sorry, man. All right. I'm currently 10 years in

00:41:09.320 the military. I love leading and guiding soldiers. However, I have two sons, a four-year-old and a

00:41:14.180 one-year-old. How do I weigh job satisfaction and security versus the long hours and constant threat

00:41:21.580 of leaving them for months at a time. I'm at a point in my career where I have to make a decision

00:41:26.380 to do 10 more or get out. I guess what I'm asking really asking is, is it possible to be the husband

00:41:32.980 and the father? I want to be while being absent often because of the army. Thanks for what you guys do.

00:41:39.680 Yes, that it is possible, but only if, when you are there, you make the time quality. I, and this

00:41:52.500 isn't anything where people struggle with balance because they want a perfect balance. They want to

00:41:59.480 be home X amount of time. They want to be working on their spiritual lives X amount of time. They kind

00:42:05.480 of want it to be a perfect wheel. Right. And I, I might've been Covey where I saw this or learned

00:42:12.140 this for the first time. Like there's never a perfect wheel. It's always going to seem like the

00:42:15.520 tire is flat because one area is going to be way less time than some of the others. And everything

00:42:21.740 happens in seasons, but where you make up for that, where you, so it's instead of trying to have the

00:42:29.520 perfect amount of time, you just, with the time that you have, you make that as perfect as possible.

00:42:37.380 So you make it more effective in the time that you have, where I see this happen to people in

00:42:44.260 business. I see it happen to them in their spirituality. I see it happened, you know, in

00:42:49.060 their financial lives, in their marriages, where they make that excuse of I'm here all the time. So I

00:42:54.160 can't be as effective in that, but then those same guys, when they are home, let's say it's business,

00:43:01.240 like what we're talking about, Oh, I'm gone all the time. And so, you know, I'd need to be home more

00:43:06.460 with my kids. So I can't continue to pursue this career, this business, but those same guys watch

00:43:13.040 football every Sunday or Saturday. And they'd spend six hours in front of the TV on the time off that they

00:43:20.880 do have. So the effectiveness of your being better in your relationship with your wife or as a father

00:43:28.460 isn't because you don't have the time. It's just, you're wasting the little time that you do have

00:43:33.600 with a, with a hobby, you know, or with something else or whatever, maybe they go golf for hours,

00:43:40.360 maybe they, whatever it might be. Right. And so it's a matter of prioritizing

00:43:46.340 and, and, and really taking a step back and saying what's really important to you, if that's true,

00:43:53.320 and then maximizing the time that you do have when you're there. So is it going to be harder?

00:44:00.720 I'll also say yes. Is it going to be easier to do it that way, as opposed to getting out of the

00:44:06.780 military and finding a job that's nine to five or whatever it may be. That may be an easier route

00:44:13.840 to being effective in your, in your fatherhood and in your, your relationship with your wife,

00:44:19.240 but it doesn't mean that you can't do it the other way. So it's just a matter of what's important

00:44:26.980 to you, cutting out the stuff that doesn't serve you and being effective in the time that you have.

00:44:33.760 Fred Jeffers, advice for people accepting where they are right now, how to find the next step.

00:44:39.380 So people that are kind of accepted the current lot, maybe a little content is what I'm reading

00:44:47.960 with that question. I, I can't honestly answer it from a, from a personality perspective. Yeah.

00:44:59.040 Or from experience or from, yeah, from a, from a similar viewpoint, because I just, I can't imagine

00:45:08.480 myself living that way. It actually kind of irks me to think that I might settle. That's one of my

00:45:16.960 least favorite words. If not the, in my affirmations, it's always said, I will not get to the end of my

00:45:22.880 life and say, I wish I would have dot, dot, dot. And so to me, that means if I'm not maximizing

00:45:27.500 all the time that I am given, knowing that I don't know how much time that is, it's hard to sell it,

00:45:34.440 settle into anything. And for me, it shifts. And that doesn't mean you pursue, you know,

00:45:40.460 you get to X amount of money and you keep trying to make more money or whatever it may be.

00:45:45.620 It's that if maybe I settled into making enough money, but I see some areas in my fatherhood that

00:45:53.200 could improve, or I, there's things I could be doing for my wife that would improve our relationship 0.94

00:45:59.520 that I need to get better at. Maybe it's even like learning how to say, sorry, whatever it is,

00:46:04.380 there's all of us can be better in something at any point. And so it's in being that way and,

00:46:13.440 and operating that way, it's hard for me to, to understand, you know, kind of to look from their

00:46:21.060 eyes of settling in to being comfortable. I think you don't settle because you're committed

00:46:27.980 to something greater than yourself. Yeah. And maybe that's why that doesn't seem feasible because

00:46:34.660 there's too much important things to focus on than just comfort of life and things being easy and the

00:46:42.680 avoidance of things that are difficult. And so maybe that's the advice, Fred is what are you about?

00:46:50.620 What, what problem have you taken on and chosen to be about? And if, if our lives are strictly from

00:46:59.000 the perspective of, you know, I want a comfortable living and provide for my kids guys, let's be frank.

00:47:04.080 That's weak. Like it really is. That's a low level. That's low level. That's a low level game.

00:47:10.660 So you want to be our hard charger, then find something that, that is important and tackle it

00:47:19.180 and make it your problem and, and use it to drive you forward, give you higher purpose in regards to

00:47:26.820 why you even wake up in the morning. If we're waking up in the morning for the sake of making

00:47:31.640 money and, and, and then we'll, I'm projecting and being a little mean, I do it too, but how often

00:47:39.920 do we, our purpose is, well, I'm going to create a, a great life for my kids and comfort bullshit.

00:47:47.360 Like here's the reality. You want to, what's best for your kids. You sell all your shit. That's nice.

00:47:52.420 And you go throw them on a farm. Your kids are actually better off probably without you giving

00:47:58.640 them a lot of nice things. So that's not a good reason. So find a better reason, find a better

00:48:04.820 reason than that. And I'll say, I think what you said, know what you're about. Honestly, if you,

00:48:12.440 if your goal is I want my nine to five, I want to watch football on the weekends in that I'll be a

00:48:20.520 good supportive husband. I'll be a good father. I feel like I'm ticking all those boxes and I feel

00:48:26.540 totally happy. If you're totally happy in that, who am I to tell you, you should push beyond that.

00:48:33.840 If, if you feel fulfilled in that. Awesome. But I don't think you'd be asking the question if you

00:48:42.760 feel a hundred percent fulfilled in it either. And so if everyone's different and all of our,

00:48:50.520 our levels of play, just like I couldn't have a meaningful conversation, most likely with Elon

00:48:56.940 Musk, because his brain works totally different than mine. Um, you know, that doesn't mean that

00:49:03.680 I'm less than him or more than him or anything else. It just means that different things are

00:49:08.540 going to make him happy than me. And so if I can feel happy and fulfilled, that's on me, I think it's,

00:49:14.600 and, and if so great, then there's no need to compare to somebody else. And so I think just be

00:49:22.020 careful the comparison trap and make sure you're focused on happiness and fulfillment more so than

00:49:28.120 what everybody else is doing. Peter Wesson, how have you personally observed learning about Jesus

00:49:36.520 can help you grow as a grow in manliness? For me, it's the ultimate example. It's what we were just

00:49:44.100 talking about and pushing myself beyond my comfort level. Now knowing I can be better. And that if I'm

00:49:50.940 built in the image of a heavenly father that loves me and wants me to be my best, then, uh, it's my duty to,

00:50:01.660 to fulfill that and Jesus and coming to earth and being the example. And when you say manliness,

00:50:13.340 I think in being able to turn the other cheek and being able to not be quick to anger and being able

00:50:19.540 now, it doesn't mean he never got angry because there's, there, you know, there's definitely passages

00:50:24.160 in the Bible where he got angry. Like when he turned over all the tables in the, in the temple. Right. 0.59

00:50:29.380 And, and, um, and so, but being quick to anger is the difference. Right. And so those things, um, makes me

00:50:39.900 want to be better. Um, but then I think you also need to have humans in your life that you, that are good

00:50:48.520 examples to, to attach to because Jesus was perfect and will never be that hard to relate to him as much.

00:50:55.980 Yeah. Yeah. It's unrelatable. So you need to attach to other, you know, humans that make mistakes as

00:51:02.060 well. Um, but the fact that he is perfect in that, you know, not in this lifetime, but maybe beyond we

00:51:08.720 can be better is just, it keeps us focused on doing more with our lives now. Yeah. One thing that came

00:51:16.680 to mind is just his dedication and service. It was all about serving, um, a greater cause and serving

00:51:24.500 individuals. And so what, I don't, I don't know how that's not manly. I mean, that's so manly. It's

00:51:30.880 ridiculous. So his, his service to others. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and that's another thing too, like for

00:51:36.500 him, that was as a child, right. When they lost him and then they found him in the temple preaching,

00:51:41.720 uh, that as a child, he wanted to serve others, obviously in that from what little we know of him,

00:51:48.820 that's different than us too. Most likely, most of us are going to grow up with more kind of selfish

00:51:54.700 things we want, you know, whether it's to make money or whatever, but as you start growing and

00:51:59.560 becoming more manly, um, you start to, I guess, uh, how would you call it? Unattached, detatch,

00:52:11.080 um, from things that are temporal and you, you tend to in maturity attach more to, like you said,

00:52:22.120 and serving other people, what things can make a larger impact and internal perspective. Yeah.

00:52:29.820 Yeah. I, I, that we should write a book about Jesus, the true Stoic, and then just grab all the

00:52:36.460 Stoic principles and examples of him being a Stoic because he really was, um, in many ways,

00:52:42.620 but all right, Jeff Green, how to overcome being a procrastinator. How do you do it, Sean?

00:52:50.200 Ha ha ha. I'm a procrastinator. Um, but you make yourself, my name is Sean. I'm a procrastinator.

00:52:58.140 Yeah. Yeah. But you make yourself do it when you don't want to. And you like you overcome

00:53:05.520 procrastination with action. Um, you know, I, I used to say all the time, jokingly procrastinate

00:53:12.600 later, but it became a mantra of mine. Uh, you have to catch yourself when you don't want to do

00:53:19.500 things. And so, um, be aware of that and then know why, know what you want, uh, knowing, as you said

00:53:30.200 earlier, knowing what you're about. And if you know what you want, you'll allow yourself to put

00:53:36.900 things off less because in knowing what you want, you're always going to be pushing for more. And in

00:53:45.460 that the list piles up if you don't tackle it. So instead of putting things off, you just kind of

00:53:52.540 jump into action. It doesn't mean that you'll be the most effective in which actions are the best ones

00:53:57.360 to take immediately, but the actions better than inaction. Yeah. So that's, um, I'm overly

00:54:05.760 analytical. So for me, when I think about procrastination, I, I get clear on like, why,

00:54:13.180 why am I avoiding this? Why am I procrastinating? And I get present to why I'm lying to myself

00:54:21.180 because that's you. Most procrastination is a lie, right? It's like, and laziness. Yeah. But,

00:54:29.280 but you justify it through the lie, right? It's like, you know, you should, I don't know,

00:54:34.260 clean the garage, but you choose not to. And, and here's the human nature. You'll do it or you'll

00:54:42.840 explain why you're not going to do it to yourself. So you can live with yourself.

00:54:48.720 Yeah. That's a good point. That's a very good point. You'll have to go, well, uh, I'm not going

00:54:54.040 to clean that. Like you run a story. You literally like lie to yourself to justify doing something that

00:55:02.040 you know, you should go do. And so then ask yourself, what's the impact of lying to yourself?

00:55:09.760 And then it's really screwed up in the brain. If you really think about it, you know, you should do

00:55:14.160 something and you have to lie to yourself to justify it. So one, one habit that I've latched onto in the

00:55:21.340 past is the minute I have to start explaining or the minute I have internal dialogue, explaining why

00:55:28.160 I'm going to do something is the trigger of just go do it then. Cause I know I'm in, I'm in the realm

00:55:37.740 of losing my honor and integrity if I have to explain it. So then just go do, and you do it

00:55:45.920 every damn morning. I used to do it all the time. When, when my kids would cry in the other room, 0.99

00:55:50.240 when they're babies and like babies crying and my wife's laying right there and she's sleeping and I,

00:55:56.020 and, and I know I should get up, but I don't, what do I do immediately? Why I'm not going to get up?

00:56:03.780 Well, because I, I got work at, you know, I have to get up at five 30 and she can take a nap later. 0.99

00:56:09.240 So she should be the one, like, I literally explain why I'm not going to get up, which is just the sign 0.81

00:56:15.400 of get your ass out of bed and go do whatever it is that you're explaining that you shouldn't do. 0.96

00:56:20.900 Well, let me ask you this. Cause we're totally different. I'm not analytical. I'm not it's so 0.99

00:56:25.760 weird. We use different sides of our brains. Most of the time you and I, so as you were saying that

00:56:31.540 I thought, okay, for your personality type, the hardest thing is overanalyzing and into

00:56:38.000 inaction. And my personality type, the challenge is, is in taking immediate action. Maybe you're not

00:56:46.560 doing the most effective thing. So as you were talking about justifying it, you know, I thought

00:56:51.380 for my personality type, it's more, okay, I, I was doing something. And because I was doing something,

00:56:58.660 I couldn't do this other thing I knew needed to be done. Even if I know this other things

00:57:03.300 more effective or more important. Um, it was my, it was my jumping into action immediately

00:57:09.080 that became the justification. And so would you say that's true for you? For me, I just had that

00:57:16.080 thought as you were saying it, that my, my justification is I'm doing all this other stuff.

00:57:20.460 So for you, would you say for your personality type, how do you, so for me to overcome that,

00:57:26.920 I have to be more effective in my pre-planning and my after action review to make sure that

00:57:32.160 the plan. Yeah. So I have to be better at planning. I have to make myself do that more often so that

00:57:37.920 I don't procrastinate as many things. I have to make lists. I have to be effect, make sure I'm

00:57:42.000 working on the most effective things. So for you, what's, what did you have to do to overcome

00:57:48.540 overthinking and taking that action? For me, it's just getting present to how I'm being as a person.

00:57:56.640 If I procrastinate, like I I'm kind of the stick kind of person. So if, if I think about this and

00:58:03.320 go, wait a second, if I'm lying to myself, I'm out of integrity, this is hurting my self-confidence.

00:58:08.240 Then it's like, then I shouldn't be doing it. Like, it's not about that lie that I came up with.

00:58:12.580 It's actually, there's bigger impact at play if I don't take action. And so I need to move.

00:58:19.600 I'll use an example, good friend of mine, or I've had a couple of friends that are this way. So

00:58:23.560 now I, now I don't have to call out names here, but they will procrastinate certain things because

00:58:31.640 they're in the midst of it. Right. It's like, oh, I'm, I'm with my friends or I'm doing my thing.

00:58:36.040 And so they'll end up pushing something off because they're busy in the moment. Well, what

00:58:41.840 does that do into the relationship and your integrity and your reliability from other

00:58:47.080 individuals? It's destroying it, right? I can't rely on Sean. And I'm not saying this Sean about

00:58:53.160 you, but I can't rely on Sean. Why? Because he started working on ABC, got distracted, didn't get

00:58:58.280 that thing done that he said he'd get done. And now he's unreliable. Like that's, what's at stake.

00:59:03.260 Like, and, and so when I get present to what's at stake, what's, uh, what's the impact of this

00:59:09.180 action, I get really motivated quick to like get present to why I need to stick to the plan,

00:59:14.880 why I need to do what I said I would do, because I don't want to be unreliable. I don't want to be

00:59:21.220 affected in a negative way or have a bad perception of self because I'm out of integrity.

00:59:27.140 Wow. Yeah. That's, I'm glad I asked because I, I would have never related the question that

00:59:33.180 way, you know, so two totally different answers, I think, but hopefully. Yeah, totally. Yeah.

00:59:40.020 He was like a psychoanalyze that Kip. Jeez. Jeff's like that. I was just looking for some hacks, 1.00

00:59:44.600 uh, hacks. So you go atomic habits, Jeff, if you haven't read that book or got that book,

00:59:49.480 it's a great way to build some habits around our, our default mentality of procrastination.

00:59:55.300 I just like to logically be connected to it versus just like, Oh, I generate a new habit. How did that

01:00:01.400 work? I don't know, but I have a new habit. Like, I don't know. I like to understand what's really

01:00:05.860 happening and I don't know, maybe it's a control thing. So yeah. The power of habit too, has that

01:00:11.080 both of those, a lot of really good tools for different personality types to, to help you

01:00:16.460 overcome that and plan better. Yeah. All right. Last question, Greg Perkins. When do you know when

01:00:22.420 it's time to say enough when it comes to personal goals and success? And I thought this was a very

01:00:28.180 interesting question because I'm not a hundred percent sure what he means. Like say enough,

01:00:32.760 meaning like you're accomplishing too many personal goals and success is just so great that I've had

01:00:41.540 enough of it. Or is it, or is it my life's mediocre and enough is enough and I'm going to level up and

01:00:52.380 accomplish some personal goals and have greater success. It's probably the latter. Maybe, I don't know.

01:00:58.180 Hmm. It, it's, it kind of comes hand in hand with the one we already answered with, uh, settling and

01:01:05.600 when do you just kind of ease back? Uh, and, and it's, I think for certain personalities, enough is

01:01:16.340 never enough. It's just a matter of making sure that you're doing that in a healthy way instead of a

01:01:23.400 destructive way. So we all know people who in the pursuit of things or titles or glory or whatever

01:01:34.620 it is that have destroyed their lives along the way that just have a path of destruction behind them.

01:01:41.320 And maybe they're super successful in a thing, but a mess in the things that maybe someone else would

01:01:51.440 feel is more important. And so if you're that personality type, I think it's more important to,

01:01:58.840 to, to make sure that your pursuits are healthy. And, uh, for somebody who's not built that way,

01:02:07.640 um, I actually think it's the same that you, but in a, in a way where, you know, are you in the

01:02:20.840 pursuit of trying to be super dad? Is it too much? Do you, do you neglect other things that maybe

01:02:30.480 your kids are down the road going to, you know, be mad at you about, um, what did I hear this in the

01:02:38.020 other day? I was listening to something and they were talking about a mom. This might've been asked

01:02:44.340 me anything with you and Ryan and somebody asked him, they were mad. Of course, man, you guys,

01:02:51.280 all I listened to. So I think they, someone mentioned that they, somebody asked the question,

01:03:00.620 they were mad at their mom for, you know, always doing something for them or letting them play video

01:03:07.620 games. And they were mad that the mom let them play video games their whole life. And then after,

01:03:12.860 you know, learning from the mom later in their life, they found out she did it because

01:03:16.900 she didn't want to disappoint him. She wanted him to be happy. And in that pursuit of wanting him to

01:03:21.220 be happy, let him down because he never learned how to be a man. He never learned how to be sovereign.

01:03:26.920 He didn't have any life skills because all he did was play video games as a kid. And so now he's mad at

01:03:32.320 her trying to make her happy. Right. And so I think we need to be reflective on how, what we're doing

01:03:39.160 affects the people around us and the, and the most important things in our lives, and then figure out

01:03:45.220 if we're giving enough to those things. And then, like I said, you're going to evolve in it just being

01:03:51.480 enough for your kids. Now you're, you've got being a pretty good dad down, you're doing a good job there,

01:03:57.320 but you're, you're, you can continue giving. Maybe you start giving more in your community and your

01:04:02.620 church. And that grows from there. So that enough is never enough, but it's in a healthy way.

01:04:09.260 I've always used this thought that, um, we will all learn ultimately what we need to learn.

01:04:17.760 The question is, is whether it's on our deathbed

01:04:20.620 or through heartache and suffering and pain, or we proactively decide to learn.

01:04:27.720 Like, I really feel that. And so I focus on like, how do I preemptively learn these things? So I

01:04:38.040 don't have to sit back and let the poor decisions of my life eventually teach me the lesson, the hard

01:04:43.520 way. And, and by the way, teach me the hard way with lasting impact of all the bad decisions I made

01:04:50.420 affecting everyone around me at the same time. Right. How do I learn those without the suffering of 1.00

01:04:56.420 others? Um, so let me ask you this has, has that been present for you, Sean, in your life where

01:05:05.000 you came to a enough is enough and I need a pivot because the world is forcing it on you, or you got

01:05:15.000 to a space of humility that almost kind of forced your hand to rise up. Yeah. I was just talking about

01:05:23.640 this with some friends a couple of days ago. They asked, um, when it shifted in our life or no,

01:05:30.300 we were talking about being competitive and we were talking about like, we, I have friends that

01:05:35.640 are billionaires. I have, you know, friends that make eight multiple eight figure incomes and things

01:05:40.520 like that, that to most people seem ridiculous. Um, and to me, like I was talking to one of my other

01:05:46.860 friends who's in that same world and he's saying like, I'm so competitive. I just want to,

01:05:51.320 you know, that pushes me to do more. Like I feel like a loser almost if I'm not. And, uh, and then

01:05:57.520 he was asking me, like, you don't seem like it bothers you as much as it bothers me. Why is that?

01:06:04.320 And my answer was, I was forced into it when my wife got sick a number of years ago, after our middle

01:06:12.440 son was born, which was now 12 years ago, where she got sick, she got a autoimmune disease and had

01:06:21.920 literally couldn't move off of the couch for a long time. Like she was totally incapacitated.

01:06:27.900 And before that, both of us were hard charging, go, go, go on appointments in our office. Like,

01:06:33.720 you know, we made this joke, like we only work half days, 12 hours every day at minimum. And, uh,

01:06:42.740 and, but it was way more than that, actually. I mean, we literally, it was like, we slept six hours

01:06:47.540 and if we weren't sleeping, we were working and, and our kids were kind of in tow with that.

01:06:51.980 And so she got sick. It forced me out of being able to do all those appointments all day long and

01:06:58.800 not being around as much and whatever else, even though we told ourselves we were going to do that

01:07:04.080 and shift and be more balanced. We still by force of habit, we're so stuck in that way. Um, and then

01:07:12.080 this forced us out where I went from hard charging to minimum, I had to help her because she restructured 0.99

01:07:19.000 her diet. She didn't want to just take, uh, drugs to mask the symptoms and not actually cure what was

01:07:27.540 going on. And so she had to cure her gut and heal her gut and, and reattach some of the sensory issues

01:07:34.580 that had happened and in her bad diet. So she did that through diet in that I had to prepare food and

01:07:41.340 help her prepare food for minimum four to five hours a day, every day. And so that became more my job.

01:07:49.760 And then I had to take on all the stuff with the kids. And then I had to take on, you know,

01:07:55.220 the running of the household and, and everything that it became where now she still could pick up

01:08:02.880 the phone and do a lot of business things. And she still did that, but I was forced into doing

01:08:08.020 all this other stuff. And what it did was it made me now focus more on the kids things and now focus

01:08:14.520 more on serving her more and getting out of myself. And that would, that very thing of doing the

01:08:22.880 appointments was the thing that made me feel like I was presiding in my home and being a provider and

01:08:30.420 protecting my family. Right. So the protect, provide, preside that me being nonstop in my business is

01:08:38.180 what, and pushing to enough, not being enough is, was me thinking I was fulfilling those things,

01:08:45.800 but then her getting sick and me being thrown into not being able to work. Uh, you know,

01:08:52.180 fortunately financially, it didn't affect us at all. And we were still able to increase our income

01:08:57.920 and stuff, but it wasn't as fast. And so I had to become what my friend Ed calls blissfully dissatisfied.

01:09:07.140 And now, no, as long as there's growth, now that's the important part. So as long as my business was

01:09:15.200 still growing, as long as we were still achieving, I wasn't failing. Now, could I be doing it faster?

01:09:22.260 Could I be doing more? Yeah. But at the, at the expense of what? And so if it was at the expense of

01:09:29.660 my wife's health and our kids, you know, wellbeing, especially emotionally, um, and I couldn't answer

01:09:38.920 yes to that, then I had to make that shift. So yeah, we were super humbled, um, thrown into it.

01:09:45.760 And then it went to where I had to make another shift of, okay, am I too heavy now in just doing

01:09:52.760 the stuff with the kids and just doing, you know, these other things? Yeah, we're still growing,

01:09:57.880 but I don't feel like I'm reaching my capacity. I can serve others. I can do more. I can, you know,

01:10:04.140 increase more and I could actually get into, to, you know, competing in some of these other things

01:10:09.740 again. Um, and then that's actually when I joined the iron council, which is now I think close to

01:10:16.980 three years ago, um, hitting a plateau now in saying that my plateau is like, like I said,

01:10:24.720 we didn't become destitute. We weren't hurting for money. We weren't like those things were

01:10:28.940 fine and, and completely financially independent a lot of years ago and a lot of years before that

01:10:36.500 even happened in my life. So it, it wasn't out of necessity of money that I kicked back into

01:10:43.960 trying to make more money again. It was just that I could, the capacity was there and I didn't feel

01:10:50.920 like I was living at my full capacity and that's not okay with me. And so it's, but now I'm doing it

01:11:01.500 with a better sense of balance, knowing how to prioritize way better habits, um, knowing when to

01:11:11.040 drop something that's not important. So I can focus on what is, um, and that honestly, I don't know if

01:11:17.720 that would have happened without really what was a tragedy. I mean, that was, that was the hardest

01:11:24.600 part of our life for sure. I didn't do it any justice in the explanation of what happened and how

01:11:29.940 hard it was and how bad it was for three or four years. Um, and combined with that, we had like the

01:11:36.000 hardest thing happened to us in our business and everything else as well. Um, you know, but as hard

01:11:43.920 as that was, it was maybe the best thing that happened to us because you became better. I always

01:11:52.380 use this analogy all the time. It's like, cause we get this, this question used to come up more often

01:11:57.100 than not. Maybe they're tired of the, of the response, but you know, how do you grow? How do you,

01:12:03.400 uh, move beyond your past and deal with bad decisions? And the answer to all of that is become

01:12:10.180 a better person in spite of it so much that you can't help, but be grateful for the thing that

01:12:16.360 occurred. Hmm. And it's crazy. Like I am almost grateful. I'm not almost, I am grateful for getting

01:12:25.840 divorced. And it's not because like, Oh, my ex-wife was both. No, it's because it forced my hand

01:12:32.960 and who I am today when it have been, if it wasn't for that situation to occur. So back to the

01:12:41.960 gentleman's question earlier about his two uncles, make that the best thing that could have ever

01:12:45.840 happened. And you make that the best thing that could have ever happened to you by rising up and

01:12:51.540 becoming the man that you were meant to be the best man. You could have been only on your own

01:12:57.540 without their help and support. Exactly. Exactly. That's the best way to rise up from

01:13:03.120 difficult circumstances or tragedy that might occur in our lives.

01:13:09.540 All right, gentlemen, thank you for listening in today. Uh, connect with Mr. Mickler on the socials

01:13:16.360 at Ryan Mickler. Like I mentioned earlier, join us on Facebook, facebook.com slash group slash order

01:13:23.000 of man to band with us. And as always band with us, share the message, share this podcast,

01:13:30.240 hop onto Utah, YouTube, share those videos, get more men into the fold because that's really what

01:13:37.520 we're about is standing for one another and helping men ultimately become the best versions of

01:13:42.880 themselves until Friday for Friday field notes with Mr. Mickler, take action and become the men you

01:13:49.720 were meant to be. Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge

01:13:54.440 of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at order of

01:13:59.640 man.com.

Order of Man - August 03, 2022

Staying on the Path After Loss, Overcoming Procrastination, and Pushing Past Complacency ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript