Steadfast in the Faith, Is Your Wife Worthy of You, and Battling Demons | ASK ME ANYTHING
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Summary
On today's episode of the Ask Me Anything episode, Ryan Michler answers questions from the men of the Iron Council. Topics covered include: - What is a man of action? - What does it take to be a man? - Should men use emojis? - Is it degrading the quality of communication? - How do you feel about the new kind of punctuation? - Do you think it's a good or bad thing? - What do you think about women using their phones in public?
Transcript
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You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart
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your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.
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You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who
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you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,
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you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? This is Ryan Michler. I'm
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the host and the founder of the Order of Man podcast. Now, if you've been with us for any
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amount of time, you know that Wednesdays we do an Ask Me Anything episode and we field
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questions from you guys. Typically, I do that with my co-host Kip Sorensen, but he can't make
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it today and I completely spaced it off. Otherwise, I would usually find a substitute, but that
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was my fault. I did not. So for better or worse, you have to listen to me today. I'm going to
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field the questions as I do every week, but I'm also going to read the questions and don't
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have anybody to bounce ideas off of today. So hopefully, I'll still do a decent job that
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you get the information you're looking for and it can improve your life. And that's what
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we're trying to do. We're trying to give you the tools, the resources, conversations, information,
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everything that you need to improve your life as a man. And on that note, we are opening up
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the Iron Council. Let's see. This is going to release on the 14th. So tomorrow, tomorrow,
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we're opening up the Iron Council, which is our exclusive brotherhood. And inside of
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that, you're going to band with other men who are all working together to hold each
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other accountable, to improve their lives, to get the resources they need to stay on
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track and be accountable. And everything that you need is a husband, a father, a business
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owner, a community leader, a coach, a mentor, a friend, et cetera, et cetera. So if you are
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interested in the Iron Council, check it out. We're only going to be open for a short period
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of time. And you can do that at orderofman.com slash Iron Council. Orderofman.com slash Iron
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Council. Also just want to put a plug in for our merchandise store. You can see I've got
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one of our newer hats on. This is the curveball hat in the ash color. And then I fit, yep,
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I've got my Iron Sharpens Iron shirt on today. So I'm repping our store. If you want to do
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some late or last minute gift shopping, I would encourage you to do that this week because
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if you don't do it this week, the odds of us getting it to you by Christmas are growing
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smaller by the day. So you can find that at store at orderofman.com. All right, guys,
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let's get into some questions. I'm going to field questions from speaking of the Iron
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Council. These first questions are coming from the Iron Council. And if you're watching
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this on YouTube or Facebook, you're going to see me bounce back and forth between this
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recording screen and my internet browser as I pull up these questions. All right. So this
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one comes from Brian Dunnigan. He's in the Iron Council with Battle Team Leader of Team
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Enterprise. He says, what are your thoughts on men using emojis? Is it just a new kind
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of punctuation or is it degrading the quality of communication? This is something that I've
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heard from Matt Walsh. Matt Walsh is completely 100% adamant against emojis. I'm not 100% against
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emojis. Admittedly, I do use them occasionally to communicate the way that I might be feeling if a
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text might come across wrong or might be misinterpreted or read differently. It's hard
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to pick up on jokes and sarcasm in text. So I might use an emoji to prove a point.
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But yeah, I do think... I don't know if it's the punctuation or the emojis that are degrading the
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quality of communication. I think it's the fact that we're doing it all digitally at the expense
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of having personal conversations face-to-face. If you're on the subway or public transport in some
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way at the airport or even at restaurants, couples will be sitting there across from one another and
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they'll be punching away on their phones. That to me is crazy. You're there with another person that you
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want to be there with, I would imagine. And you're trying to connect with them and you're on your
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phone. That person's on their phone and there's just no real conversation happening. So I don't
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think it's the emojis that are degrading the quality of communication. I think it's the fact that we just
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don't communicate as much face-to-face and we do everything through our computer screens and also on
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the phone. So I would encourage you to talk to people face-to-face, have real interaction with
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them. And also one thing I try to do because I am an author, I've got the masculinity manifesto,
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I've got sovereignty. Those are my two books. And I do some writing here and there. We can always work
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on improving the quality of our dialogue and our communication in the written form. And we should,
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if we can communicate effectively in the written word, I think that's a powerful tool that we can use
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to influence other people in our lives. So I don't know that it's the emojis. I think it's just
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people just aren't communicating as often or as much and they're busy. And that's kind of a problem
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too. This one comes from Alan Placer. He says, there's an increasing movement among men not to
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get married because of a realization that the risk is no longer worth the reward. Many women don't give
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the passion that men desire, want their husbands to stop engaging in the hobbies they love, and will
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take everything a man has if the marriage fails. These are just some of the reasons that marriage looks
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less attractive to the younger generation. A topic that would be good for you to speak to them
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on. Well, I'll say this first and foremost, there's a lot to break down here. And I really
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do like this question. I believe in the value of marriage. I believe in partnership with one woman
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who you can raise children with, and you can walk through this life hand in hand, and you can learn
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from, and you can grow from. And I actually don't think a marriage is supposed to be perfectly
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blissful. In fact, if anything, I believe the power of marriage is somebody that of course you love and
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you find fulfillment with, but also somebody that can challenge you in a healthy way. If she can't
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challenge you in a healthy way, there may be no incentive for you to grow. And the opposite is also
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true. A man should be in healthy and constructive ways, challenging his wife so that she can evolve and
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she can grow and she can get better. So I believe in the power of marriage. I would say, and I think
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my thinking has changed on this a little bit over the past several years, that I don't believe that
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the government should be involved in marriage. I don't think there should be marriage certificates.
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I don't think you should have to register with the government to say that you're married. I just don't
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think that's a thing. And I think when we started to register with the government
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uh, and, and do these type of things, uh, they started to weaponize marriage against men,
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I believe. And I think that there is a lot of truth in what you're saying. I've got friends who
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have gone through incredibly challenging and difficult divorces and have not been treated fairly
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put to put it mildly with regards to custody with their children, uh, with regards to their
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financial arrangements. And it could be a very, very horrible, horrible situation for the man.
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And the statistics show that it's more likely the man that gets the, the shorter end of the stick,
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so to speak in that. So yeah, I'm not a huge fan of getting the government involved in anything
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specifically in, uh, my intimate and romantic relationship with my wife. That's just not
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something I think they should be involved with. And you know, what, what is the answer? I think the
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answer is that I'm trying to think of all angles on this and I haven't completely fleshed it out.
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So I'm glad you asked. I believe that a man can commit and a woman can commit through an agreement.
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And I would even say it can be a written agreement. And I think there is value in
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signing a contract, if you will, just to break everything else down and say, Hey, this is,
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I'm committed to you and you're committed to me. I don't know about registering that with the
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government though. That's something that's changed for me. And I'd be, I'd be willing to have that
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conversation with anybody that wants to have it, but I don't want the government involved in my life
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at all. So why would I get them involved in these types of decisions? Now you are right about the,
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uh, the risk versus reward. One thing I take issue, Alan, with what you said, as you said,
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many women don't give the passion that that men desire. Uh, and they want their husbands to stop
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engaging in hobbies. They love. I mean, you're a man, right? We're all men. And that is true,
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I think, but I believe that most women want their men to have friends, to engage in hobbies,
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to have purpose and meaning outside of them as their wife. I believe that's the case,
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but we, as men, generally speaking, give that up so easily. We're so willing to give that away
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because we think, well, we have to be with our woman the whole time, or now we have children.
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And so I have to be with them all the time. And that's just not the case. And it creates a lot
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of hardship and a lot of challenges and frustration in relationships. So definitely if you are going to
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be bonded and have a union with somebody, uh, you do want to make sure that you still have your
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hobbies. You do want to keep your friends. Do you do want to have time away from your partner?
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And that goes for women just as well as it goes for men. Uh, but yeah, we, we, as men need to
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start examining and revisiting government type marriages, because I have seen a real problem
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with a lot of men getting worked over. But that said, I believe in the power and the union, uh,
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between a man and a woman. That's what I believe marriage is, even though, uh, the government is
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trying to change that through, uh, what do they call it? The, the marriage. I can't remember exactly
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what they call it, but the, the recognition of marriage act or something is something along those
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lines, which actually just completely dismantles and redefines marriage. And that's a whole other
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conversation, but those are my thoughts for now. I'm sure I'll have more to go. So there you go.
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All right. This one comes from Dan Smith. He says as Brecken, if you don't know Brecken is my oldest
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son, we do a podcast together called man in the making, uh, as Brecken is going through his teenage
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years, how has homeschooling changed for him? Do you see it continuing as is for the rest of the high
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school years? Well, it's always evolving. I mean, it truly is. And so we're, as he gets older,
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of course, his interests are going to change. Um, the, the things that we're teaching him are going
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to change. He's very involved in his business, which is called man in the making, very similar
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to what we're doing here, except for young men. Uh, he's involved in the store, shipping orders,
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ordering inventory, doing customer service. Uh, and then outside of that, we're always looking for
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ways to teach and coach and educate and train outside of your traditional school setting or
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even traditional homeschooling, which is sit down in a classroom and mom and, or dad are going to sit
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there and, and, you know, deliver a lesson for you, which we do. Certainly my, my wife obviously
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carries the, the, the responsibility of the weight of that responsibility. Um, but yeah, we, we're always
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looking for opportunities to, uh, take our kids on vacation or take them to different places.
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And then they, one thing my wife does really well is if we're going somewhere, maybe it's, um,
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somewhere in the States or even, even outside of the country is she'll spend time researching with
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them and they have to research about that country and what they're going to learn and what the culture
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is and what the religious beliefs are. And then they're responsible for learning that and then
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presenting it to her. So there's a lot of cool things that we do there. Uh, but yeah, I'm, I'm
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always business friendly. So, uh, my, my second son, he's, he'll be turning 12. Uh, he's getting
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more involved in managing the store down too. And so there's a lot of life lessons that come from that
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outside of just learning math, for example. So yeah, there'll be things that evolve and change and
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grow. And of course, my oldest is now more interested in girls and he's more interested in hanging out
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with his friends. So there's those opportunities. Uh, he played football for the high school,
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even though he was homeschooled. That's that, that you can do that in Maine. You can't do that
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everywhere, but you can do it in Maine and other States as well. Uh, so yeah, it'll continue to
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evolve and we'll just pay attention and figure out where we need to add takeaway change, et cetera,
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et cetera. All right. Next one comes from Dustin Stokes, a little bit of a longer one here,
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but he says, I have two boys, 10 and 12 as they grow into their teens and beyond. Are there some
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milestones, rites of passage moments that you have implemented or are looking forward to with your
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kids? I grew up on a ranch with four brothers, a strong faith filled family. And so a lot of what
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I see other guys have to create experiences just happened as a part of life, but there wasn't any
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rituals or moments created per se. It was just a normal life, which was usually hard work, fixing things,
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working in nature and playing at the Lake, which I'm grateful for. We didn't have a lot of climbing
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summits or whitewater rafting in Oklahoma. Makes sense. Uh, living in the city now newly divorced. I
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want to continue my own family's traditions as much as I can, but I also want to craft those moments
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and create new events, activities, looking to see what other guys do and look for. Uh, I've done a lot
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of conversations, not recently, I don't think, but a lot of conversations on rites of passage. So if you
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go to order a man.com and you type in rites of passage, uh, you will find at least two, maybe
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three or four podcasts that I've done on the subject and all of the things that should be
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included in a rite of passage. It's a great thing that you grew up on a ranch. You had a lot of those
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activities built in just as your, your way of life. But a lot of these city kids, you know, they don't
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have those same opportunities or if dad's out of the picture, of course they don't have those
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opportunities. So I would say more, a more traditional route might be through sports and
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I would get involved if, if you can. Uh, that's one thing I'm going to be doing more of as we move
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into 2023 is getting back into coaching my, my children's sports. That's a good thing. Uh,
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anytime you can, rather than just give you a specific example, I can share some characteristics
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of a good rite, rite of passage. Number one, there has to be purpose to it. If it's just happening
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just naturally, that's good. That's fine. But if there's no intentionality and purpose behind it,
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you probably ought to add some of that purpose and, and meaning and significance to it. Number
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two, it has to be difficult and it has to be challenging mentally, physically, emotionally,
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even spiritually. It has to have a bit of challenge built in because if it doesn't have
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that challenge built in, it's not really a hard thing. And it doesn't push your child in a,
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in a meaningful or significant way. Uh, I, I like to add tasks to it. Uh, that might be,
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uh, shooting or survival or setting up camp. Uh, my rites of passages are always involved with the
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outdoors. I think that's important to get our kids outdoors and get them to see what nature has to
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offer. Uh, there also has to be some sort of ritualized ceremony, if you will. I mean,
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a hundred, a thousand years ago, maybe not a hundred, but a thousand years ago,
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when tribes would do these rites of passages, they would literally take the young boys from
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their mothers. And by the way, that's a qualifier is it has to be you and your son as men and other
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men, if you want to have them involved too. But they would take their children from the mothers,
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go out and do a challenging and difficult thing. It was ritualized. It was something they actually had
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to complete. And there was a risk that they wouldn't complete because if there's no risk
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that they can't do it, it's not really a rite of passage. There has to be something difficult that
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they have to strive for and also overcome. But at the end, they were usually marked in some way,
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whether that was a brand or circumcision or a tattoo. And I'm not necessarily suggesting
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that you go that route, but that's what happened. But the idea of it was there was some sort of
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physical representation to you and your son and the tribe that this young man had gone through
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this rite of passage and everybody knows now and honors him as a man. Now, this might not happen
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for you. And one thing, there might be a series of rites of passages. And that's what I do for my
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children is we have these series that we go through and it includes all of those things.
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And then also, I like an element of secrecy. And it's not to be secret, but there's certain things
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that you can teach a boy or conversations that you can have. And there might be a few
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elements to it that are just between you and him. Mom doesn't know. Siblings don't know. Sister
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doesn't know. The only way the other boys will know is when they go through the rite of passage.
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And that to me is an element of tribe. Hey, you're now one of us. Nobody else knows about
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this, but we know about it. And this is how we operate and we keep it to ourselves. That's
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powerful too. So those are some key elements. But again, you can go to orderofman.com and type
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in rites of passage or rite of passage, and you will find a lot of information there. Great question.
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Very, very important. All right. This one comes from George Sykes. He's been a long time
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iron council member. He says, what practical tactics do you use to fight back the demons
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that you may face? I'm just starting in my prayer life and I'm going to start praying
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in moments of temptation and weakness of the flesh. But are there any other more concrete
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tactics that you use? Excuse me. I know that the opposite of addiction is connection. So maybe
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I should be seeking connection in moments when I'm tempted by my addictions. Yeah. I think
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connection is crucial. I don't know if the opposite of addiction is connection. I'd have
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to think on that a little bit more, but certainly connection to the right people in those moments
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can distract you. And that's what I think we need to understand is that it's not a solution
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to be connected to other people. It's a distraction technique, which is fine. But if you can't face
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your demons, unless you have other people around, you're going to be in a very difficult spot because
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there's going to be times in your life where you don't have anybody around. And so if you crumble
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in those moments, you never really addressed the heart of the issue, the addiction or the underlying,
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maybe it's trauma in the past or the underlying challenges or your conviction to even stop
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engaging in that behavior. But that said, that's a tactic that you can use. Having the right people
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in your corner, having somebody that you can call when you are tempted. I'm not saying those things
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are wrong. I'm just saying if you can't face it down yourself. Another thing that you can do and I've
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started to do is journal. When you feel like you want to engage in drinking alcohol or pornography
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or gambling or drugs or any number of vices that you may be trying to eliminate, just getting that
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out of your head and sitting down and writing that out. Why do I want to do this? Why do I feel the way
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I feel right now? What is it going to mean when I overcome this temptation? What does it mean if I
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don't? And if you start getting that information out of your head and you start writing it down,
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you're going to find out pretty quickly because men, we tend to be, we are emotional, sure.
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But we should be striving to think about these things logically. And when you get it out of your
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brain and onto paper, it almost extracts the emotion from it, the feeling from it. And then
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you can look at the words and say, okay, yeah, of course, I don't want to drink right now because
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you spent some time writing it down. So not only did you distract yourself in the moment of weakness,
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which is good. Now you're actually starting to get to the heart of the issue and learning real ways
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that you can not avoid the temptation, but not to be tempted at all because you're doing that
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emotional work that needs to happen for you to address the root of the issue. Outside of that,
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of course, you know, don't, don't put yourself in environments where you are tempted, where you do
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feel weak. Don't keep alcohol in the house if that's your thing, or, you know, you, maybe you don't
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need to be going on to Vegas on vacation. Uh, if, if you have a gambling problem, you see what I'm
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saying? Stay away from those things, get a good band of brothers in your corner that you can talk
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with and then do some deep, real and emotional work by using journaling as a tactic or even a walk.
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If you're feeling tempted or weak in a moment, get outside, go for a walk and start thinking about
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again, why you're feeling this. Most of us, when we try to overcome these temptations and these
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challenges, we subdue them. We just bury them with distractions and, and other addictions sometimes.
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So we just bury them and we never deal with it. We just run away from it essentially. And at some
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point it comes back to us and we're not able to face that weakness. When we see it, it's become
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stronger in the dark and we succumb to it. So yeah, distracting yourself from it, burying it isn't
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really the solution. Addressing it, dealing with it, going through the emotional work is what's going
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to help you get past that. In addition to some of those more commonly held or known tactics. Okay.
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All right. Next one comes from Isaiah Gray. Excuse me. He says, have you competed in a
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jujitsu tournament before? And do you plan to compete at some point? Yeah. I've never competed
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in a tournament. I've been training for almost four years. I think it's about solid. I started a
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little before that, but solid for about three and a half years. And yeah, I've never competed. I dealt
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with an injury earlier this year and that took me out of the game for a while. But I am interested
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in competing. I just have never actively pursued that, but I've heard that you learn a lot when you
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compete. I mean, you basically collapse time and accelerate your learning when you compete. So
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I probably will at some point, but I have not yet. This one comes from Pierre Bonhomme. He says,
00:22:29.180
how do I maintain a religious practice when most people in my life are not believers
00:22:35.160
and dismiss or ridicule my Catholic faith? Well, there's a couple of things that I can
00:22:40.220
hit on right here. Number one, it really doesn't matter what they think about your faith.
00:22:49.300
It doesn't matter. If they dismiss it, that's fine. They're welcome to dismiss it. They're welcome to
00:22:55.860
believe whatever they believe that doesn't and should not impact you. If it does, that's your
00:23:00.520
first problem. Why do you care so much about the approval of others specifically as it regards to
00:23:06.320
your faith? And they might ridicule it. Now, here's one thing I found about ridicule is not everything
00:23:14.140
is malicious, especially when it comes to buddies. But I've seen a lot of people, a lot of men get
00:23:21.860
really heated and really uptight and offended, deliberately offended when buddies might poke at
00:23:30.760
it a little bit. And I found that if you do that, it's only going to make it worse, right?
00:23:37.600
It's kind of like the older brother picking on his little sister or brother. The more heated the
00:23:42.100
little sister or brother gets, the more, the harder the older brother pushes because he knows he's
00:23:47.040
hitting on the right buttons. But if he sees that his actions aren't bothering his little brother
00:23:54.580
and little sister, eventually it just gets old. And so, I found in my own life when my friends
00:24:00.640
are poking at something that I believe in or even my work, sometimes they'll poke at my work,
00:24:06.460
again, not maliciously, just to give me a hard time. And I think it's part of a test. I'll get to
00:24:10.780
that in a minute. And I joke with them because it is funny. If you think about religion, some of the
00:24:18.400
symbolism, some of the rituals, some of the activities, some of the verbiage that we use
00:24:22.260
when it comes to religion is actually objectively kind of strange. It's kind of funny. And if you can
00:24:30.020
step back and separate your emotions from it, then I think you'll see that, yeah, it's funny
00:24:36.420
to an outside observer. And there's no real reason to get uptight. In fact, if you can joke about it,
00:24:42.340
laugh about it, maybe even poke fun at yourself, it's not going to be as big a deal. It's when we
00:24:48.220
get heated and upset that people keep pushing, especially if they're trying to be malicious.
00:24:52.260
But I don't believe most people are malicious that way, especially if they're your friends or
00:24:57.100
your family members. They're just poking at you. And the other reason they might do it
00:25:01.600
is subconsciously, I think men test each other as men. And they test each other because they want
00:25:09.120
to know, is this somebody that I can have in my corner? Is this someone who will be strong enough
00:25:17.080
mentally and emotionally, maybe even spiritually in this context, strong enough to stand by me
00:25:24.440
when it hits the fan. And if this individual crumbles mentally and emotionally, because I
00:25:31.140
happen to be mocking him about his religion, that's a pretty good indicator. That's a sign of
00:25:38.120
weakness, frankly, that because somebody else is upset or poking at you that you get upset,
00:25:45.020
that's a sign of some emotional or mental immaturity and strong, bold, capable, courageous,
00:25:52.620
successful men aren't interested in having those types of men in their corner because they crumble
1.00
00:25:57.820
at the slightest sign of adversity. Imagine if there was even more adversity.
00:26:02.920
Now, the next point that I would say to you is when most people in my life are not believers,
00:26:08.960
why is that? Why are most of the people in your life not believers? And what can you do
00:26:15.840
to put yourself around other believers? Well, you obviously go to church. I'm assuming,
00:26:21.400
maybe that's not the case, but I imagine that you go to church. Why aren't those people in your life
00:26:26.860
more? What have you done for fellowship? What have you done to build camaraderie? What have you done
00:26:31.000
for the men in your congregation? And can you spend more time with them? Now, I get it. Maybe at work,
00:26:37.320
you know, you can't really dictate in a lot of ways who you're working with or who you're surrounded
00:26:41.400
by. But outside of work, outside of family interactions and engagements, you can choose
00:26:48.260
who you spend time with. So, let's not just paint ourselves into a corner and say, hey, you know,
00:26:54.720
most of the people in my life are not believers and they dismiss or ridicule my faith. Okay?
00:26:59.500
So, start working on bringing believers into your circle who aren't going to make fun of your faith,
00:27:06.060
who aren't going to undermine it, who are going to lift you up, who are going to edify you, who are
00:27:09.480
going to have these types of conversations with you and help you remain steadfast in the faith.
00:27:17.020
That's crucial. And we've talked at length about how to surround yourself with a band of brothers.
00:27:24.180
And if you want to learn more about that, go to orderaman.com and then type in the search bar
00:27:29.900
band of brothers. And you'll find how often we actually talk about that and why it's so important.
00:27:38.220
So, that's going to help you maintain your religious practice. And then confidence,
00:27:43.220
you know, confidence that you won't be shaken by other people. I hope that helps. It's a good
00:27:47.880
question. All right. So, let me do a refresh here and see if there's any other questions. Again,
00:27:53.220
those came from our brothers in the Iron Council. And as I'm pulling these up, I want to let you know
00:27:59.780
again that the Iron Council is going to be open tomorrow, December 15th. So, make sure that you
00:28:09.980
go to orderman.com slash Iron Council to be notified when we open up. All right. So, it looks like that's
00:28:18.220
it for the Iron Council. Let's jump over to Facebook. This is our Facebook group. If you're
00:28:25.940
interested in this, it's a free group. You can go to facebook.com slash groups slash order of man. It looks like
00:28:31.780
we have, it says two, but let me just do a refresh on this because we might actually have some more that came
00:28:38.060
in. Maybe not. All right. Here we go. So, this one comes from Lawrence White. I'm getting easy names.
00:28:46.160
Kip usually gets the difficult names. He says, how does one communicate a problem with a close loved
00:28:51.120
one regarding a certain action that is directly affecting the individual and oneself? Communicating
00:28:57.620
it to another person, mother, father, or close family member. One example would be,
00:29:03.660
my mother is an alcoholic and chooses to do that over anything. Being present in my life,
0.99
00:29:09.280
my daughter's life, et cetera. I'm going to talk on that in a minute. This is not the type of action
00:29:14.020
that I want my daughter to be around and be influenced by. I love my mother, but how do I
00:29:18.000
set that boundary in a loving yet clear way? It also affects my own life as it's my mother and I hate
00:29:24.540
seeing her that way and seeing her destroy her health and potentially in life. I want her to be part
00:29:30.660
of my family's life and be a contributing grandmother in my daughter's life as my daughter
00:29:35.180
gets older. I know I can't change her. Change has to come through her wanting it. I'm stuck
00:29:40.120
with communicating in a way that she will know I love her, but I won't allow myself or my daughter
00:29:46.400
to be affected by her actions. Thank you for any light. You may be able to shine on this topic.
00:29:50.960
Thanks for all you guys do. All right. A lot to unpack here. As you guys know, if you've been
00:29:55.200
listening to the podcast, I talked a lot about my, not a lot, but I talked a little bit last week
00:29:59.260
about my battle with alcohol and me being an alcoholic. And I want, I want you to be really
00:30:06.200
careful in saying my mother's an alcoholic and chooses to do that over any other thing.
0.93
00:30:15.580
I'm not dismissing the fact that it's a choice. We all make choices, some good choices, some poor
00:30:21.800
choices. And yes, she is making a choice to drink because she's a sentient, responsible human being.
00:30:28.580
So she is making a choice, but be careful in pitting that there because what that's going to
00:30:35.600
do is make you think that you're less important because she's battling with alcohol. And you may not
00:30:42.720
know, and I'm assuming here, but if it was like me, I knew I wanted to stop drinking. And there were
00:30:50.460
so many times that I said I was going to quit so many things that I tried and I never did.
00:30:56.440
And I know people were hurt by it because they thought that I was choosing to do that over them.
00:31:02.700
And it's just not how I viewed it. I didn't view it. I can see how they would think that,
00:31:09.100
but I personally didn't view it that way. I had a real problem and I felt trapped and I wanted to
00:31:15.200
get untrapped because I did want to be engaged in the people that I love their lives. So just be,
00:31:22.360
be careful, be aware of what you're pinning on her that may not be representative of what's
00:31:29.620
actually happening. Now, the other thing you say here is that you're struggling with how to share
00:31:34.960
her, share with her that you love her. Let me paint this in a different light.
00:31:38.740
How does not telling her communicate your love?
00:31:46.440
Think about that. How does not communicating this problem that you see with somebody who's
00:31:51.980
negatively impacted by the choices they're making, how does not saying anything about it
00:31:56.580
show that you love her? The answer is it doesn't. You're not actually worried about
00:32:04.940
loving her. You're worried about yourself. You're being selfish.
00:32:12.020
And I know that's not what you want to hear, but you're worried not so much about her feelings
00:32:17.680
as much as you're worried about you being the one to hurt her feelings, which is more selfish
00:32:25.880
than selfless. And I know how that sounds, but if you really strip everything else away,
00:32:32.420
that's the issue. It's not that you don't want to confront her. It's that you don't want to be
00:32:38.340
the one that causes her pain. So can you honestly say that it's in her best interest
00:32:43.460
to not say anything? Or is it in your best interest to not say anything? There were people,
00:32:50.900
when I told people that I was an alcoholic and that I was working on fixing it, there were people
00:32:55.020
who said, oh, I knew. Really? You knew and you didn't say anything? They were scared.
00:33:04.800
They were scared. And I, on the other end of this equation, wish they would have said something.
00:33:11.640
So ask yourself, are you being loving by not addressing it? Or are you being more loving
00:33:17.280
by addressing it? And I believe that love, whether it's romantic or platonic, I believe that love
00:33:25.040
requires sacrifice. And if you genuinely love your mother, and I imagine that you do,
00:33:31.260
then there's going to be a risk associated with her, with you establishing those boundaries.
00:33:36.620
And I would say it pretty much just like you said it, mom, it's clear that you're an alcoholic.
00:33:42.840
I love you. I want to help you. I want you to get the help you need. But I also have a family
00:33:49.480
that I have to look over. And I can't allow your decisions to impact negatively my life,
00:33:55.720
my wife's life, my children's life. So we're not going to be around when you're drinking.
00:34:01.760
Or if I know you're drinking, or if I know you're putting myself or my children in harm's way,
00:34:06.760
we're not doing that. And then you actually have to do it because it's probably going to happen.
00:34:11.640
Now, I'm not saying we can't offer and afford grace. We should be able to.
00:34:17.380
But if she crosses a boundary that you've established, and this is important,
00:34:21.620
communicated with her, then you actually have to uphold the boundary. Because if you don't,
00:34:27.000
then you're a liar. And you're enabling her. Because there's no consequence to her making those
00:34:32.660
poor choices. So let's not get so stuck on the, I don't know how she's going to feel. And it doesn't
00:34:41.120
matter. And there is a risk. And she might be upset, but you love her. And you want her to get
00:34:46.200
better. And confronting it is the way that you do it. Of course, with grace, with class, with dignity,
00:34:52.240
with respect, with love in your words, in your tone, in your inflection, not being accusatory,
00:34:58.740
not trying to guilt her, not trying to say, oh, you're choosing alcohol. No, like being real,
00:35:03.460
like I'm worried about your health. I'm worried about what this is doing to your motivation. I'm worried
00:35:07.500
about what this is doing to your ambition. I'm worried about how long you're going to live. I
00:35:10.900
worry about what this is doing to your body. Like you can bring up all of those challenges
00:35:17.000
in a constructive way, and then also communicate and uphold that boundary. That to me is a bigger
00:35:23.360
sign of love than avoiding this uncomfortable conversation. And it is, I definitely know that it
00:35:29.580
is. All right. This one comes from Tim Wayne. It's either Wayne's or Ween's. Wayne's or Ween's.
00:35:36.300
Tim says, what's your thoughts on spiritual bypassing? Not familiar with that term. Let's
00:35:42.280
see if he fleshes that out a little bit. Family, friends that are quick to throw the Bible,
00:35:46.540
spiritual applications at you, your loved ones without understanding deep emotional pain and
00:35:51.040
insecurities in family root systems, just how to communicate with them, like how much or how little
00:35:56.500
boundaries, et cetera, without coming across as a victim, but also not just cutting them out of your
00:36:02.060
life. Well, again, this, we have to take intent into consideration when we're communicating with
00:36:08.860
people. So this has been the underlying theme of this podcast has been communication with people
00:36:14.060
that we love. It's crucial that we take intent into the equation because a lot of the times we don't,
00:36:21.620
we just take the words and then we interpret those words through our lens and, or their words through
00:36:27.660
our lens. And then we just assume we know what they mean. And we don't ever take any of the intent
00:36:33.020
into it and offer and afford some grace or some wiggle room if they fail to communicate something
00:36:39.400
the way that you would have them communicate it. So I don't think for the most part that you have
00:36:45.680
family and friends who are throwing Bible or spiritual applications at you to get you.
00:36:51.480
I don't think, and I could be wrong, but I think in the overwhelming majority of the cases, if
00:36:57.680
somebody's sharing Bible verses or, or, or spiritual applications with you or at you, I mean, you even
00:37:05.200
say at you, it's like, they're not doing it at you. They're doing it with you. If it's conversation,
00:37:09.600
or maybe they even believe they're doing it for you. It says your loved ones, and they don't
00:37:13.640
understand the deep emotional pain and insecurities and family root systems, right? They're your loved
00:37:18.180
ones. And how could they understand a lot of this that you're going through? They didn't experience
00:37:23.360
it. They didn't go through that. And maybe you've shared with them some emotional pain or some trauma
00:37:28.460
or some past insecurities, and they're giving you what they have. Like that's it. So imagine,
00:37:34.920
for example, if you wanted to build a house and you went to a friend, cause you know, he had tools
00:37:41.500
and he's got all the tools, but he doesn't have a nail gun. Can he give you a nail gun?
00:37:46.200
No, he can't give you a nail gun because he doesn't have one. He has the tools that he has.
00:37:51.720
And so he's going to give those tools to you because he loves you and he cares about you and
00:37:55.800
he wants you to build the house. So he's going to give you the tools that he has, but he can't
00:38:00.000
give you anything he doesn't have. You have to get that somewhere else. So you go to another
00:38:06.280
neighbor, another friend and say, Hey, look, I've got a screwdriver and I've got this and tape
00:38:09.500
measure and all this stuff. I need a nail gun. Do you have one? And that guy says, yeah,
00:38:12.540
I have a nail gun. Here you go. You can use it. So let's not assume that everybody has all of the
00:38:20.140
tools that we need. If they don't have that understanding of the deep, quote unquote,
00:38:26.580
deep emotional pain and insecurities in family root systems, then they can't help you address that.
00:38:32.160
And that's okay. So what they're using is they're using the tools in their tool belt
00:38:36.100
to give you what they think you need because they care about you. And that's the context.
00:38:43.360
So I would strive to listen to what they have to share with you. If they're credible sources and
00:38:49.220
you know, they love you. I would strive to listen with an ear of understanding and what
00:38:54.620
about their saying could actually be applicable in my life. Because there might be some things that
00:39:00.360
are actually applicable in your life that you've been overlooking because it's spiritual connotation.
00:39:08.680
But if you need something else that those people can't give you, then you have to go somewhere else
00:39:12.500
and look for the tool somewhere else. Now, how to communicate with them, like how much or how
00:39:18.240
little boundaries, et cetera, just let them know. Just be forward. Just be upfront. Hey, look,
00:39:26.380
I'm, I'm, I'm doing this. I'm going through this battle right now. You know, we've talked a little
00:39:30.200
bit about spirituality. I don't really want to have that conversation. Sometimes you could just
00:39:34.380
not have that conversation, but if they keep bringing it up and you're not interested, then
00:39:37.580
you just say, Hey, look, I'm not really interested in that conversation right now. You know, where I
00:39:42.040
am in life and what I'm thinking about. That's just not a conversation I'm interested in having.
00:39:45.320
I still love you. I still appreciate everything that you share with me and everything you've done
00:39:49.380
with me in the past. But yeah, that's not a conversation I'm interested in. And that takes some balls,
00:39:53.780
but that's how you establish boundaries with people. Again, it has to involve risk. And the
00:39:58.880
risk is you might lose them as a friend or you might offend them. Okay. I mean, there's,
00:40:05.880
there's healthy ways to bring up difficult discussions, but yeah, you might actually offend
00:40:10.660
them. And so what establish those boundaries, communicate those boundaries, and then uphold
00:40:17.220
the boundaries. All right. Let's see if we have any more here. We got a difficult name now.
00:40:21.960
So this is Derek Hudson Beeler, Hudson Beeler. I think that's right.
00:40:27.820
This is the last question of the day, guys. He says, what are your thoughts on hiring friends
00:40:30.800
and family? I have a business that is not even a year old, just getting into winter and in the
00:40:35.820
metal fabrication world, things start to slow down. I have two bids in for big jobs that could
00:40:40.700
easily keep me busy into the spring and possibly one other guy. However, those jobs are not guaranteed
00:40:45.940
yet. And what I do have guaranteed will keep me busy for the rest of the year.
00:40:51.660
I am not entirely sure I am ready to hire someone. I'm almost going to stop you right here and say,
00:40:56.140
you already know the answer, but let's keep going. But my little brother is in need of a job. Here we
00:41:00.160
go. This is where it gets challenging here. His last hitch on the drilling rigs, he watched his
00:41:06.240
friend get killed rough. He wants out, but I don't know if I have a job for him or if I want to cross
00:41:12.800
into the murky waters of hiring family, any advice would be appreciated. All right. So
00:41:16.180
let's address it. Like you actually have work for him. You could act, you actually have enough work
00:41:22.720
for him and you need him and you want him on board. Would you hire him if he wasn't your family member?
00:41:31.340
Is he a hard worker? Does he get the job done? Does he take initiative? Did he show up on time? Does
00:41:36.100
he do his assignments or his tasks or his jobs correctly? Like, would you hire him if he wasn't
00:41:40.740
your family member? If the answer is no, then you should not hire that person.
00:41:46.080
If the answer is yes, you maybe still shouldn't hire that person because now you have to think
00:41:51.180
about your professional relationship. Can you have a professional relationship? Do you guys get along?
00:41:58.120
Can he see you as the authority in this situation because it's your company? Think all of this stuff
00:42:05.100
through because if you just jump right into it, man, you could be setting yourself and him,
00:42:09.560
by the way, up for a very, very poor and negative situation. One that could actually create a lot
00:42:14.960
of risk and division within the family. So the first thing is, would you hire him if he wasn't
00:42:20.120
your family member? If it's no, then don't hire him. If it's, yeah, I think I would. Then now you
00:42:25.780
start thinking about the family side of things. Okay. What's the dynamic? Am I the older brother,
00:42:29.380
the younger brother? What's our relationship been in the past? When we've had problems in the past,
00:42:33.720
how has that been dealt with? Do we both hide? Do we both get angry with each other? Like there's things
00:42:38.860
that you know about your history that could let you know whether or not you work well together.
00:42:43.080
And if you don't work well together, don't do it. And if you do, maybe still even don't do it,
00:42:48.460
but think through all of those things. Now, I know you love your brother. I think you said that,
00:42:54.580
but if you didn't, I'm just going through the thing here. It's clear that you do because your
00:43:00.160
brother had an unfortunate situation where he watched his friend get killed on a drilling rig
00:43:05.020
and he wants to get out of that, but you don't have a job. So let's just say hypothetically,
00:43:10.180
you offer him a position and work dries up or you don't end up getting the bid. You don't get the job.
00:43:18.900
Then what do you do? Well, now you can do one of two things. You can keep them on board with you
00:43:23.600
and then you have to pay them, but you don't have any money to pay them. So how are you going to feel
00:43:28.800
about that? You're going to, you're going to get bitter and resentful and there's going to be
00:43:34.480
contention and it's not going to be good. The alternative is you can let him go and then he's
00:43:42.880
going to be upset with you. And that's going to create division and frustration and hostility
00:43:47.260
towards each other. And by the way, you telling him that you have a job and he comes over believing
00:43:54.180
that you actually have a job and then you can't sustain the work. What'd you do? You pulled him
00:43:58.140
off the rig and you took away his income because now he's got to go, maybe he can go back. Maybe
00:44:04.700
he can't. Now he's got to go find another job, but it was because you told him that you could hire him
00:44:08.220
and bring him on. I just see too many red flags in this situation. I really do. First, it's family.
00:44:18.500
Second, you don't know if you have enough work, but I don't, I don't see this going well personally.
00:44:26.720
So I lean towards no, not doing that. Now, what can you do? You can ask your friends,
00:44:34.340
Hey, do you have a job? Like you can help him in a, in a job search. You can network for him. You
00:44:40.280
can even get, if he's a hard worker, make sure he is. Cause you don't want to ruin your credibility,
00:44:43.640
but you can even go to bat for him. You can reach out to people. You can use your network
00:44:48.600
for helping him. And that would be a loving thing to do without having to make the mistake
00:44:56.020
of bringing them on board when you don't have the work to do it. But there's so many red flags in
00:45:02.440
what you said. And even the fact that you're asking me this, you know, that there's red flags
00:45:07.680
flags and you're trying to minimize them. Don't minimize them. They're legitimate red flags coming
00:45:13.340
from an objective third party. They are, they are legitimate red flags. So tread lightly.
00:45:20.460
All right. Do we have any others? Doesn't look like it. I'm going to refresh that. I'm going to go
00:45:25.080
back over here to the iron council and see if we missed any questions. And if we did not,
00:45:29.700
then we'll wrap it up. And if we did, I'll see if we can answer them.
00:45:35.300
Okay. It looks like we might have one more question. Yep. This one comes from Jay Carlson.
00:45:41.500
So I haven't read this question yet. So we'll see what we can do. Bit of a long one. I listened
00:45:45.620
to the Keith Yackey podcast. That was the one we did on marriage the other day. And it was really
00:45:49.460
great. He's got a lot of good information for husbands to build back a marriage. I'm currently
00:45:53.500
trying to do this, but it seems to be failing. Well, I'm definitely not where I want to be
00:45:57.200
personally. I do know that I'm working on being the best that I can be. Keith talks a lot about
00:46:01.700
getting yourself right. And once you're there, you can decide if your wife, spouse, significant
00:46:05.180
other is worthy of writing shotgun with you. While I understand this idea, it's not easy to
00:46:10.080
just tell them they can't write anymore. Can you talk about that idea a little and how someone goes
00:46:15.580
about one, knowing you're at a place of being the best version of you to going about deciding that
00:46:21.720
your spouse is not worthy of writing shotgun anymore. We talk about this sort of idea,
00:46:26.400
getting rid of people in your life. We're not lifting you up with our friends, jobs,
00:46:30.000
acquaintances a lot, but not that often with our spouses. Yeah. That's one area that I do take a
00:46:36.500
little bit issue with about the whole writing shotgun thing. You committed to a woman. I believe that
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00:46:42.820
if you asked her to marry you, you committed to her. I committed to my wife. I'm not going to throw
00:46:47.960
in the towel on that. Now there may be situations where it's out of your control and you're not making
00:46:55.000
that decision, but I've made that decision. I made that decision a long time ago and I'm going
00:46:59.040
to honor that decision. If she decides that she's no longer interested, that's a different
00:47:03.820
conversation. But I decided that she could ride shotgun and that was my decision. But I've also
00:47:10.520
ran across very few situations. Maybe I just haven't heard of any, but very few situations where
00:47:16.880
if you are actively working on improving yourself and getting better, that she's not going to start
00:47:24.560
improving as well. Usually that's the case. I don't know what's going on in your marriage.
00:47:30.560
I don't know if you're having troubles with her or she's having troubles with you.
00:47:35.880
If she's having troubles with you, then you just need to do everything that you possibly can,
00:47:42.080
regardless of her response, regardless of how she feels, regardless of what she says or does
00:47:48.080
and just go to work on being the best you. Now, how do you know, this is your first question,
00:47:53.160
that you're at a place of being the best version? I'm going to tell you right now, you're not.
00:47:56.380
You never will be. You will never be at a place of being the best version of you.
00:48:02.160
Because the minute you get to that so-called place, you've learned a new set of skills,
00:48:06.660
a new set of behaviors, and you're producing different results in your life. And therefore,
00:48:10.080
you're capable of doing even more. So it's not about arriving at some place where you're the
00:48:14.880
best version of you. It's about working daily, every single day on the spiritual practices,
00:48:21.020
on the physical practices, on your finances, on your faith, on the way you communicate,
00:48:26.900
on your business, every facet of your life, you're taking one step, then another, then another,
00:48:32.540
then another for you. And let me tell you why this is important. And this is something that I've
00:48:38.520
been focused on over the past three or four months. It's very important that it's for you.
00:48:44.680
Because if it's contingent upon the way that she responds, or anybody responds for that matter,
00:48:50.340
you don't have control over that. And if they respond in a way that you don't want them to,
00:48:57.320
then that might change your behavior because you were not doing it for yourself,
00:49:01.980
you were doing it for other people. So you have to do it for yourself. And the best way I found to
00:49:07.980
do that is again, to journals, to start writing these things out. Hey, today I did X, Y, and Z,
00:49:13.880
and here's how I feel. And here's the temptations I overcame. And here's what I did when I wanted to
00:49:19.020
wake up. And here's what you just document it all. So you can start to see what your wins are.
00:49:23.320
Now, if she's not responding, I mean, again, I committed to this woman and I think she's going
00:49:37.160
to be influenced, but let's just say she's not, or let's say she's doing things that you don't
00:49:44.420
approve of. Well, you know, you have to have some boundaries in place. One of those might be,
00:49:49.280
and I'm not saying this is the case, but one of those might be that she cheats on you.
00:49:53.860
That might be a boundary. That might mean that, Hey, this, at that point, this is a woman who
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doesn't get to ride shotgun with me anymore, but you have to figure out what those are. What,
00:50:03.680
what is your boundary? What will you tolerate? What will you absolutely not tolerate? Meaning what
00:50:08.480
is the thing that you will, you will tear down the marriage over infidelity? Maybe I'm not going
00:50:14.920
to make those decisions for you, but that might be it. Um, abuse. If she's verbally or emotionally or,
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or physically abusive to you or your children, that's probably a pretty healthy boundary. One
00:50:26.620
that you'd be willing to give up your marriage for. What are those things? And has she crossed those
00:50:32.700
lines? If she hasn't, then I think that you owe it to her because you did commit to her and you owe it
00:50:38.860
to yourself to continue to work through the issues together. I can't give you a hard and fast
00:50:44.820
rule. If she does X, Y, and Z, then you're gone and she's not worthy of it anymore, but you do have
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to establish what your boundaries are. One that you would let the marriage go for and communicate
00:50:54.540
those with her. And, and even those, you know, it's like if, if a spouse, again, I'm not going to
00:51:02.280
decide for you, but I'm saying I've seen situations where spouses, wives have stepped out on their
00:51:06.320
husbands and they've reconciled and they actually have a really good, a really good marriage.
00:51:10.440
So it can happen. So my, my boundaries are not the same as yours, but you have to decide what
00:51:16.340
they are for you. And if they're not outside the boundaries, then I feel like you still have a
00:51:21.140
commitment to this woman. Tough one. Not one I can give you an easy answer to, but it sounds like you
00:51:25.580
have some, some thinking, some contemplation to take place here. Okay. All right, guys, those are
00:51:30.460
some great questions. I appreciate you bringing them all up. Again, we were in our Facebook group,
00:51:35.200
free group, facebook.com slash group slash order of man. And then we were also in our iron council.
00:51:41.100
We had some of those questions. That last one came from an iron council member. And by the way,
00:51:45.760
there's a marriage channel in the iron council. So Jay, if you're not part of that, I'm sure you
00:51:49.500
are. But for those of you who are not in the iron council, we have channels, topical channels based
00:51:54.420
on marriage and fatherhood and overcoming addiction, firearms, outdoors, health, entrepreneurship,
00:52:01.740
a lot of different channels where literally hundreds and hundreds of men are having these
00:52:05.820
types of conversations on the daily. Okay. It's open tomorrow, December 15th, 2022. So please check
00:52:12.440
it out. Order of man.com slash iron council. We'd love to have you be a member and we'd love to have
00:52:16.720
you there. And hopefully we can serve you and I'm sure you can serve us as well. This is a reciprocal
00:52:20.860
relationship inside the brotherhood or a man.com slash iron council. All right, guys, we'll be back
00:52:26.040
next week. Uh, no, not next week, Friday, Friday until then go out there, take action and become
00:52:31.780
a man. You are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take
00:52:36.880
charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order