Order of Man - Stop Waiting to Be Saved： Ownership, Mission & Growth ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 When we do things, we create possibility for others to consider it for themselves.

00:00:07.240 Right.

00:00:07.980 When your buddy sees you level up and have success in life,

00:00:12.440 it's not that Jay's now successful and I'm happy for Jay.

00:00:15.980 It's, hmm, I know Jay.

00:00:18.860 And Jay achieved that?

00:00:21.480 That might be possible for me to do that.

00:00:24.440 Right.

00:00:25.340 And that's what you're doing as a lighthouse,

00:00:27.140 is you're creating possibilities for others to consider for themselves.

00:00:32.980 Jay, we do it again, sir.

00:00:35.440 I don't know, like you're a law enforcement, right?

00:00:38.060 So part of me feels like I shouldn't ask you where you are and where you're recording from.

00:00:42.700 Is that like, is that an undisclosed location in Massachusetts?

00:00:46.820 There you go.

00:00:48.120 No, we're up in Martha's Vineyard, which is a little island off of Massachusetts

00:00:52.600 for a little Memorial Day vacation.

00:00:55.120 We come up here every couple of years.

00:00:56.500 i've been coming up here since i was a 13 or 14 years old my uh childhood friend his parents

00:01:01.920 own a house up here so we've been coming up here and uh we don't come up every memorial day but

00:01:06.760 it's like a kind of a thing there's a 5k race that we ran yesterday and um yeah this morning

00:01:12.080 we we did this annual tradition of um are you familiar with the ted kennedy

00:01:17.140 scandal i guess you'd call it back in the back in the 60s a woman died in went off a bridge in

00:01:25.340 his car and died you know you know about that so we need to send her back in that they want to say

00:01:30.740 the 60s or the 70s probably the 60s he was on he was at martha's vineyard and and there was this

00:01:36.300 party and they wound up the next morning finding a woman mary joe kalpecki dead in his vehicle that

00:01:41.820 went off a bridge right and there's some there's books written on it and stuff so um my friend's

00:01:47.740 father is kind of like obsessed with it so every year we go to that bridge and and and kind of pay

00:01:52.680 pay our respects to Mary Jo. So we did that this morning and, and, uh, it's just a nice family

00:01:58.020 vacation. See, I thought you're going to go to the direction. This is some Red Bull event where

00:02:02.680 they run cars off the bridge. The complete opposite of showing respect for anybody.

00:02:10.900 Well, I love it, man. I love it. I love, you know, like a tradition, right? Even if it's

00:02:16.900 every other year is so valuable. You know, it's interesting. Um, I've read this once and I believe

00:02:22.680 it to be true as parents, we have a tendency to latch onto the big thing, right? It's like this

00:02:28.440 big trip and this big event, but you know what the kids remember? It's the Christmas that we had.

00:02:36.460 It was the Christmas traditions. It was the little things that we repetitive,

00:02:40.520 repeated over and over across years that really cement, you know, for sure. And, um, yeah,

00:02:48.440 there's something to be said for it. I love tradition, um, for whatever reason, and maybe

00:02:52.480 I lacked some of it in my life. And so I'm just trying to make up for it, but, um, I love that

00:02:57.600 stuff. And this is really cool. Like my childhood friend and his brother are here with their kids

00:03:01.880 who are mostly adults now. Right. And, and, you know, yesterday we went to lunch and my 12 year

00:03:07.780 olds playing Django with my childhood friend. And it's just, it's cool to see the generations mix

00:03:12.180 and, and actually become friends and, and more, you know, more family than anything else. You

00:03:16.260 know, they're, they're the, they're the, they're the family of choice, right? We have our, we have

00:03:20.400 our fam given family and our family of choice. Right. So it's nice to see that nice to be able

00:03:25.200 to do that. I love it. Well, apparently we're not the only one celebrating because for whatever

00:03:29.360 reason, Ryan can't record on a Monday morning. I don't, I don't know what's up with that. So

00:03:34.160 I know he was, he was paying his respects to Jeff Gratney, who our friend, who, who his wife passed away recently. So I think maybe he's traveling. I don't know, but, but it was nice that, that a good representation from the iron council made it out there to support Jeff.

00:03:49.960 yeah yeah absolutely absolutely well let's get in some questions we got we're building gonna

00:03:55.620 we're gonna field questions from the iron council um as well as facebook um you and i before we hit

00:04:01.620 record we're like there's some tough ones in here um for sure and like always right like i i don't

00:04:08.580 know i just feel like inclined to say this um how do i express this it's interesting i was talking

00:04:18.740 i was having an online discussion with a bunch of other uh business owners and leaders and it was

00:04:25.620 around developing people right and it was this idea of do you invest in your people and train

00:04:31.460 them and what if they leave versus we don't train them and they stay and and this is kind of like a

00:04:39.620 little bit of a mantra and a strong opinion i have and so i get that but if you listen to it

00:04:45.980 It was like, well, what if we, what if we, you think, and my comment to them was, you

00:04:51.320 think you train people, you don't train people, you facilitate a conversation and they choose.

00:05:01.300 They choose whether they're going to take your garbage and apply it to their life or

00:05:05.600 not.

00:05:05.880 You didn't, you didn't develop them.

00:05:08.140 You didn't make them what they were, you know?

00:05:11.300 and and we have this tendency in leadership sometimes to to think that we're driving it 0.96

00:05:16.780 you're not driving shit yeah you're you're creating possibility yeah you're creating 0.89

00:05:22.340 situations right opportunities for people to choose but people are choosing and and a lot 0.97

00:05:30.160 of what we might share today that's all that we're doing we're facilitating maybe the thought the

00:05:36.220 ideas but growth doesn't happen from you and i jay yeah right where do they um where do they come

00:05:45.060 from from choice from someone hearing what you have to say jay and going hmm maybe that applies

00:05:50.880 to my life maybe i'll try that on that's where growth happens and i think it's important that

00:05:56.660 we remember that right as individuals from both sides that you create you're not controlling

00:06:04.800 people but also what you adapt in life like what you take on it's out of your choice it's not out

00:06:12.880 of what jay said or what ryan said it's because you chose it right and if you choose wrong that's

00:06:19.280 on you right but it but it's all ultimately still up to you to to take whatever garbage and good

00:06:25.860 advice that we might give today and apply it to your life so take some ownership at least from

00:06:30.700 that perspective and we'll try to check our egos that uh you know we're just facilitating the idea

00:06:36.240 i always i always say you know to bring it into our world in the iron council is you know you've

00:06:42.500 led teams i've led teams it's not our job to have the answers for the guys we're leading it's it's

00:06:47.260 our job to help them find their answers to their questions right i don't have the answers same

00:06:51.720 thing here i don't have the perfect answer for these questions right i'm going to give you some

00:06:55.960 like you just to give you some things to think about some things how may i might handle it

00:06:59.340 and if you like it's a it's that bruce bruce lee thing right take what you like discard the rest

00:07:04.260 yep yep yep absolutely all right so the first question is from adam lewis in reference to your

00:07:11.120 airport situation last week in montana so so for a little context ryan was flying to montana there

00:07:16.940 was a medical emergency he stepped up with maybe one or two other guys and he was just surprised

00:07:21.760 that a lot of other people just stood around and didn't didn't step up right so uh that's a little

00:07:27.100 context to the airport situation, but Adam's question is what are the five things all men

00:07:31.860 and frankly, anyone should know to be prepared? Yeah. Well, I mean, you're going to probably have

00:07:39.060 a better answer to this with your, with your law enforcement history, but let me take a different

00:07:45.900 angle. Do something. That's, that's the main thing. Like be prepared. Sure. Right. But that's

00:07:52.540 not the problem. I mean, it might be part of the problem, but the other problem is how passive

00:07:58.220 everybody is. We see something and we're not assertive, right? We don't step in. We don't

00:08:04.360 address it. Instead, what do we do? We pass the buck. Oh, someone else will take care of it.

00:08:09.440 That's not how strong men show up, right? And so I think the first step in the process is be

00:08:17.040 the individual that sees the situation and steps in and maybe it's step in. And if you have the

00:08:23.980 skillset, you, you drive things forward. If you don't have the skillset, you say, what can I do?

00:08:29.640 Right. And you go get help. But the main thing, and that's what I took away from Ryan's story is

00:08:34.800 the main thing is people not doing anything is, is the bigger issue. And what's fascinating about

00:08:41.240 this is ryan shared that story i think it was like last week um my wife had the same scenario

00:08:47.840 at like a tj maxx where an elderly lady fell down and she couldn't get up guess who came to her aid

00:08:54.980 hardly no one including employees they're just like still doing their jobs fascinating to me

00:09:03.360 i'm like are you joking and she was irate about it that like no one was dealing with it

00:09:10.120 that's just like, man, I don't know. So that's my take on it. But Jay, you have stronger opinion

00:09:16.060 about this. And I don't know if he's looking for like EMT slash medical, you know what I mean?

00:09:20.700 Kind of advice, but you know, yeah. So there's, there's that kind of advice, right? That's the

00:09:24.800 kind of tactical stuff. And, and that's going to be dependent. And you said it on whether

00:09:27.900 you've, you've taken the, made the effort to have those skills, right? We should all probably have

00:09:32.500 some basic first aid knowledge, if not for other people, for our own families, right? If there's

00:09:37.740 emergency in our own house. So, so I know a lot of families, uh, like when they have a new baby,

00:09:43.320 they'll bring in like a first aid person to, to educate them on, Hey, what if I have this

00:09:48.200 emergency with my baby? What if my baby's choking? Right. So I think some basic CPR first aid is

00:09:52.780 great for everybody, but minus those tactical things, I think you hit it. Right. Um, you know,

00:09:57.620 I I've made some notes, situational awareness, right. One of the, one of the things that the

00:10:03.040 game game i play with myself on usually like on an airplane um and sometimes with my older boys if

00:10:08.640 they're there is like i look around who's going to be an asset and who's going to be a liability

00:10:11.920 if there's an emergency right now who's going to be an asset who's going to be a liability right

00:10:16.640 other things with situational awareness is just like knowing where exits are right knowing knowing

00:10:20.320 where hey if i got if i got to get off the x where can i go right how could how do i get out of here

00:10:25.840 and these these are kind of all things you said the other thing is like a rapid assessment

00:10:29.920 What kind of emergency do I have? Is it a medical emergency? Is there some kind of, you know, violent threat or something like that?

00:10:36.440 And again, that goes to what you said about, do I have the knowledge, skills and ability to address this? Right.

00:10:43.200 And if not, how can I be an asset? Right. Hey, like you said, find the guy who we look around.

00:10:48.580 We're going to know the guy who has the first aid training. Right. Hey, what do you need from me?

00:10:52.780 What can I do? Maybe it's just crowd control. Right. Getting people back, getting people out of the way so that making room.

00:10:59.200 hey the emts are going to show up make room get everybody out of the way so that the emts have a

00:11:05.680 direct access to this right or that there's if you're outside and there's vehicles blocking the

00:11:09.320 area let's get these vehicles out of here so that so the squad can get get right up to the the um

00:11:14.440 the situation right and then i wrote action right and you hit on this just take some kind of action

00:11:20.140 poor action improper action is probably almost always in an emergency is almost almost always

00:11:25.360 going to be better than no action at all, right? Clear communication, I wrote down. I think it's

00:11:31.040 important, you know, if you're the guy that is jumping into the emergency, you want to be real

00:11:36.360 clear on what you need from the guy who wants to help but doesn't know how to help, right? You

00:11:39.760 call 911. Not, hey, someone call 911. You point to somebody. You call 911. You go get the airport

00:11:48.260 security, whatever the case may be. You want to be real direct on your communication. And then the

00:11:52.960 last thing i wrote is emotional control right you want you want and this is this is a skill that that

00:11:57.620 we should be practicing as men you want to be able to keep yourself calm and in order so that you can

00:12:01.820 keep calm and order outside right and this could be as simple as and i think this might sound maybe

00:12:08.740 too simple but daily ice baths right jump in an ice bath for for three to five minutes and learn

00:12:15.620 to calm yourself down is going to translate into an emergency situation doing something hard a hard

00:12:21.040 workout where you're trying to control your breath, trying to control your heart rate is

00:12:25.280 actually going to help you in an emergency situation. Cause it's all the same thing,

00:12:28.200 right? You want to control your breath. You want to try and keep your heart rate down.

00:12:31.400 So those are the five things I wrote down. I don't know if that's what he was looking for.

00:12:34.980 If he was looking for more like tactical skills, like, you know, which we should have anyway,

00:12:38.340 right. Some kind of self-defense, right. Some kind of basic CPR, maybe some, if you're, if

00:12:43.740 you're going to, certainly if you're going to have your concealed carry permit, you should be

00:12:46.720 training with your weapon. Right. But, but I don't know if that's what he was talking about

00:12:50.860 or more of these things but i think that kind of hits hits the the question yeah well and this also

00:12:58.580 brings up i mean it goes without saying but even even our physical condition matters right in a lot

00:13:04.140 of these cases man if you can barely get off the couch you know and you can't jog what you're going

00:13:09.540 to rise to the occasion and sprint and help someone and carry someone yeah right it's not

00:13:15.240 going to happen right and so this is you know all the things that we should be doing to make sure

00:13:20.260 that, uh, we're able to lead and serve other individuals. And it's all of these areas and

00:13:25.340 full disclosure, you don't have to be a paramedic to get EMT training. Um, full disclosure, my wife

00:13:32.960 and I, we both went through the full, like we went through EMT training, like we were going to be

00:13:37.780 come EMTs. And it was kind of funny because the teacher's like, why are you here? And everyone's

00:13:43.840 like, I want to become a firefighter and like a paramedic. And we're like, just a parent.

00:13:50.260 right and the whole room's like what you guys are doing this training for like no reason other than

00:13:54.660 to learn i'm like yeah isn't that ironic right so yeah do it and honestly yeah i would as we're

00:14:02.900 sitting here talking about this i would say if that's if you're going to just pick one thing

00:14:06.900 that you're going to get kind of like trained up on first aid basic first aid is probably more

00:14:11.220 important than eighth even even self-defense even firearms you know first most of your emergencies

00:14:17.540 are going to be along those lines right not to say that there aren't going to be emergencies

00:14:20.800 where there's physical violence and stuff but yeah day in day out basis most of your emergencies

00:14:25.860 where you're going to have to step up is probably going to be some kind of medical emergency

00:14:28.600 got it having that basic first aid to be key

00:14:31.900 cool all right uh simon pratt asks how do you know when a man is truly ready to take ownership

00:14:40.700 of his life? Why? I mean, that's the first thought, you know, what do you mean? Why?

00:14:50.580 Right? Like, why? Because you're going to get him to, you know what I mean? And I don't mean

00:14:55.660 to beat up the question a little bit too much, but I mean, or maybe he's asking for himself,

00:15:00.460 right? So maybe I shouldn't. Let me just say this. If you're asking because you're trying

00:15:05.300 to figure out when someone else is, you're asking the wrong question, right? You do you.

00:15:10.700 right? One of the best ways that we can get people to take ownership is to take ownership.

00:15:14.960 You don't get people to take ownership of their lives by pointing fingers at them,

00:15:19.160 telling them they should be taking ownership. This is one of those principles that the only

00:15:23.220 way to teach it is to model it, right? Now, if you're asking about yourself,

00:15:28.120 how did you word the question? How do you know? How do you know when a man is truly ready to

00:15:33.220 take ownership of his life? Ready? No, we're never ready. And we never reach ready, right?

00:15:39.780 I think ownership is an interesting concept.

00:15:42.840 I think there's some, the major, let me say it this way.

00:15:47.940 Ownership is a decision,

00:15:50.000 a constant decision over and over again.

00:15:52.540 And it's very tightly coupled to being a person of integrity

00:15:57.160 because ownership means what?

00:16:00.980 Being fully self-aware and realizing my role in life.

00:16:07.140 Victims allocate blame.

00:16:09.780 right? Victims make excuses. Victims say life is happening to me versus someone that takes

00:16:16.840 ownership says, I played a role in this and I'm taking some form of responsibility for my role in

00:16:24.300 it. And this is what I'm going to do moving forward. That's what ownership is. And so this

00:16:29.620 is a constant choice. Every day we have a choice. Should I take ownership or is it easier to be a

00:16:35.260 victim. Why? Because it's so easy to allocate blame. And, and I think there's two elements to

00:16:41.520 this often, right. We'll look at Jocko's, you know, book, extreme ownership with, with, uh,

00:16:46.960 life. And we'll look at it as like a, a reactionary thing, right? Things go bad.

00:16:54.260 You take ownership, but even below that, or before that is the ownership of thought.

00:17:00.420 and so catch yourself is my recommendation look for victim thinking and most victim thinking is

00:17:12.180 in the spaces and here's your red flags they're the areas of your life where you're waiting and

00:17:17.400 hoping areas of your life where you're allocating blame and you're making excuses for you not doing

00:17:26.860 something or making excuses for doing something. Those are areas of your life where you're more

00:17:33.080 likely being a victim, which is the opposite of taking ownership. And I don't know how you feel

00:17:41.300 about this, Jay, but I think this is just, are you ready? We're never ready. It's a choice that

00:17:47.720 you decide over and over and over again. And you constantly are fighting not to be a victim all the

00:17:55.160 time. You hit the nail on the head. When I saw this question, I thought exactly what you thought

00:18:01.340 is whether it's yourself or another man, how do you know if they have that victim mentality or

00:18:07.460 not? Right. How listen to how a man talks. Right. And again, I agree with you. You're never going

00:18:10.840 to get a man to take ownership until he's ready to take ownership. But if you want to know if

00:18:14.560 he's ready or if he is taking ownership in his life, listen to how he talks. Does he talk about

00:18:18.180 things happening to him or does he talk about things he did that caused this to happen and

00:18:24.100 how he's going to change this because he, if it, listen, if it happened to him, he can change it,

00:18:31.480 right? If he's responsible for it happening to him, he can change it. So I think whether it's

00:18:35.420 yourself or somebody else, it's, it's hearing that victim mentality. If you don't hear that

00:18:40.240 victim mentality, then they've taken ownership of their life. And, but to your point, I think,

00:18:46.120 you know, I think guys like you and I, we've taken ownership of our lives, but I know I,

00:18:49.700 there's times where I catch myself in the victim mentality and I'm like, Whoa, Jay, step back,

00:18:53.440 step out of this victim mentality right so i think but i think having that mindset right and

00:18:58.900 and having that self-awareness that the victim mentality exists and i think some men don't even

00:19:03.920 have that mentality that or that awareness that there is a victim mentality right so i think that

00:19:09.220 you hit the nail on the head totally well and and for those guys listening let's let's let's beat

00:19:14.560 this up just a little bit more if that's okay why is this important it's important because there's

00:19:21.160 no growth without it you you know what the i mean don't look i mean look around you

00:19:30.340 look at the political landscape look at society we celebrate victims we celebrate it

00:19:38.780 oh jay you got acted upon you're a victim let me give you a label and let's all pander to jay and

00:19:46.440 Jay, by default, you're a hero.

00:19:49.580 Strictly because you were acted upon by someone else.

00:19:53.880 God forbid we actually like speak into you

00:19:58.200 to help you rise above it and learn and grow.

00:20:02.400 No, no, no.

00:20:03.020 We'll keep you where you're at 1.00

00:20:04.240 and we'll celebrate your victimness.

00:20:07.520 And we do it, why?

00:20:09.400 Because Jay's easy to control, that's why.

00:20:12.720 This is why politicians,

00:20:13.860 Look at the platform for politicians.

00:20:17.520 Who do they pander to? 0.83

00:20:19.760 Victim groups.

00:20:21.580 Why?

00:20:22.020 Because a victim believes what?

00:20:23.800 That there's nothing they can do about it.

00:20:26.260 And they need someone to save them.

00:20:29.020 And the politician swoops in and says, I'll save you.

00:20:33.680 Meanwhile, while you're being saved, you don't grow.

00:20:38.220 There is no growth in victim thinking.

00:20:42.160 There's no growth in it.

00:20:43.860 this is why it's so critical and and by the way victims feel how do they feel about life

00:20:50.160 external locus of control learned helplessness it's a yucky place to be i'm not i'm not criticizing

00:20:59.360 the victim as much as i'm saying you don't want to be there a sense of power powerlessness in your

00:21:06.620 life waiting and hoping for someone to save you how horrible what a disempowering way to be in the

00:21:14.840 world so don't operate here one because it doesn't feel good two you are not going to grow it's not

00:21:24.720 until we identify our role in something that you get a grow from it and here's the beautiful part

00:21:30.720 this is the best part about the whole thing

00:21:33.260 you can always choose to learn from something anytime you want

00:21:39.340 jay you may you may have made a decision 20 years ago

00:21:44.200 and you could have been a victim of it your entire life

00:21:47.560 and today you could go you know what no more

00:21:51.720 i'm going to choose to evaluate my past i'm going to choose to evaluate that

00:21:57.020 situation. I'm going to identify my role in it and I'm going to learn and grow to become a better

00:22:02.420 person that is available to all of us. All of us can do that at any moment. So it's, it's literally

00:22:10.600 a choice. You don't even have to go back to the past to do it because trust me, most victims are

00:22:15.580 holding onto their past right now to justify how they're showing up in the world. So their past is

00:22:20.200 with them right now. You might as well pause for a second and identify a way to learn and grow from

00:22:25.500 it yeah i mean a lot of those a lot of these this victim mentality is is from our childhood right

00:22:31.620 it's about you know like not to get too woo woo and i'm not smart enough to necessarily speak

00:22:36.680 about this but it's about healing our inner child right like once we once we realize that and the

00:22:41.380 things we're holding on to from the past um you know it it empowers you right and while you're

00:22:48.200 talking the one thing that i think about with people that are in victim mentality is is cameron

00:22:52.520 wilson always says how's that working out for you and that's that's powerful for me personally

00:22:58.300 that's powerful because i'll say that to myself sometimes like i remember the first time cameron

00:23:01.800 said that to me and it just for me it like hit home because it's not working out for me right

00:23:06.280 so you're living in this victim mentality how's that working out for you oh it's not well how

00:23:10.060 about we change it right how about we go against every like the victim mentality feels comfortable

00:23:14.240 right for a lot of people like where the growth happens is when we're uncomfortable right so if

00:23:19.060 If somebody is living in that victim mentality, they're like, I don't know what to do.

00:23:22.680 My advice would be go against everything your instincts are telling you to do and do the exact opposite because you've been you've been comfortable for too many years living in this victim mentality.

00:23:31.260 So so do the exact opposite of what you feel comfortable doing, what makes you feel good, because some people get empowered by that victim mentality.

00:23:38.420 Right. It makes them feel like like some people feel like they're doing something by living in that victim mentality.

00:23:43.740 Right. By like identifying, oh, I'm a victim right now.

00:23:46.560 that's but it's not changing that's where cameron wilson's how's that working out for you come into

00:23:50.440 play so yeah yeah yeah totally well and then this is i mean way off script right but then then the

00:23:59.020 another challenge for us to consider and if you guys you know want more on this yeah post a

00:24:04.520 question for next week right but it's like in and in what ways do we promote it and that's a whole

00:24:11.940 other conversation to be had. But, but first, before you can lead others, you got to lead

00:24:16.300 yourself. Um, but trust me, a lot of people promote victim thinking. Yeah. Um, and that's,

00:24:22.560 that's a whole other element of leadership that we have. Sometimes misery loves company, right?

00:24:27.040 Yeah. Yeah. Cool. All right. The next question comes from Jason Teasley.

00:24:32.280 Could you explain the importance of doing an AAR? Yeah. I mean, to be frank, you know what I love

00:24:39.940 about AAR, I'm going to blow this up, right? Like, and I'm probably going to go off script of

00:24:44.000 every military guy is going to be annoyed by my version of AAR. But what is, let's talk about

00:24:49.600 what an after action review is. It's awareness. It's a debrief. It's a pause going, hmm, how did

00:24:59.340 that go? And, and not just how did it go, but what went wrong and what should I do different,

00:25:06.200 do differently next time? Or what should I keep doing? What a beautiful thing. Just that in itself

00:25:12.280 is a beautiful thing. And, and we should be doing that way more often in life and pausing,

00:25:18.240 reflecting on what are we doing? And is it impacting? Is it, is it providing value or is

00:25:25.420 it making things worse? I mean, that's, that's pretty much what an AR is. And, you know, in,

00:25:31.160 in companies, we call them debriefs, a project debrief and after action review. I mean, there's

00:25:35.440 20 different labels of this. I think AAR comes from the army specifically. I don't know. I think

00:25:42.500 so. But for me, the value is just the awareness, the pause, right? And it's fascinating if you

00:25:50.860 really think about it, how often, especially in corporate America, we roll something out

00:25:55.220 and it's the checkbox that determines if we're done. Well, what does that tell you?

00:26:01.800 we lost sight of the out at the of the outcome that we originally set for like why were we doing

00:26:08.640 this to begin with oh yeah we all forgot about that we just wanted to get it done so an aar kind

00:26:14.240 of forces us to go whoa hold on what was the outcome that we were seeking oh did we achieve

00:26:20.640 that no we didn't okay then maybe we're not done and or why didn't we achieve that oh what could

00:26:27.380 we do better next time. And that is just an awesome thing. And one last thought before I

00:26:32.740 hand it over to you, Jay, is I think it's really important you normalize it. So especially in a

00:26:40.120 group setting, if you're going to do an AAR, don't do those when like only shit hits the fan. 0.89

00:26:45.800 Because now when I'm like, hey, Jay, we want to do an AAR, hair on his neck stands up and goes, 0.90

00:26:51.560 okay got it here he comes boss is going to you know criticize everybody right no you if you do

00:26:58.500 it all the time guess what then you set the tone that we're a learning team we always learn and

00:27:05.260 even a project that was successful we're still going to say what went wrong what could we have

00:27:11.000 done better why because we're focused on improving and becoming better version of versions of

00:27:16.640 ourselves. Where, where leaders get this wrong is they'll AR only win. They'll use it as a mechanism

00:27:23.760 of criticism. And, and, and then everyone has an unhealthy relationship with it. So if you're

00:27:28.940 going to do it, do it. Why? Because you're always focused on growth. Don't use it as a tool, right?

00:27:34.440 To attack and or blame people for things going South. Yeah. I think that's, I think that's a

00:27:40.680 great point. Right. And I never really thought of that, but you're, you're, you're spot on,

00:27:43.720 Right. I think in the police department, like whenever we're going to have like a squad meeting or you got to go see the chief.

00:27:51.260 Right. You automatically, you know, your ass clenches up. 0.99

00:27:54.840 You're like, what did I do wrong? Right. It's the same kind of feeling if you're only doing it during when things go bad. 1.00

00:27:59.320 So I think that's a great point. And I think you're right.

00:28:02.140 I think you hit the nail on the head, situational awareness.

00:28:04.020 And then I would put an even bigger emphasis on that.

00:28:08.180 The question, what will I do differently next time? Right.

00:28:11.760 Because it's great to have the awareness, but if you don't take action, then, then the AR is, is really pointless in my opinion.

00:28:17.920 Cause you know, the whole point for me, when I do them and you know, I try and do them daily.

00:28:23.420 I know there's guys like Alan Placer who does them after every situation, right?

00:28:26.560 Like he'll do one.

00:28:27.720 Like if he was doing a podcast with you right now, he'd get off the podcast and do an AR.

00:28:31.160 And if he did another podcast after that, he'd do, I don't, I don't do them that often.

00:28:34.200 um but but the the the power in the ar for me is the action i'm going to take to improve to do

00:28:42.400 better to learn um next time yeah you know i have two thoughts that might be valuable to you guys

00:28:48.520 that are listening so um every night before we say family prayer every kid shares their favorite

00:28:56.640 part of the day. And then they used to label it as the worst part, but then we've, we've kind of

00:29:04.720 pivoted a little bit. And it's like, and the worst part, and what did you learn? It's a, if you really

00:29:11.200 think about it, it's a little bit of a after action review. How was your day? I love this part about

00:29:15.780 my day. So there's some gratitude. And then there's a, Oh, this was really hard today. And then we get

00:29:21.480 to discuss like, Oh, well, what do you do with that? Right. What's the lesson you can learn from

00:29:27.320 it. And it's a little bit of an after action review every day. So like still that for me,

00:29:31.680 it's been highly effective. We've done that with our kids for geez, I don't know the years,

00:29:36.400 you know, so it's, it's been really impactful. The other thing to consider too, is in a work

00:29:42.640 environment, especially if you're looking at like AERs around projects, the actions of like,

00:29:50.520 you know jay if you and i were working on our projects like okay next time we'll do this well

00:29:55.020 the next time thing that we might decide might be a big thing and what i've ran into is we end up

00:30:04.840 chasing our tail all over the place every single project has different ar now i don't know what

00:30:10.000 priority we're doing we're changing stuff all the time almost too much does that make sense

00:30:14.660 and so what i've done in the past is we'll do a project debrief we'll document what went well

00:30:21.280 and we'll document like what changes we should make next time and then at the end of the month

00:30:26.860 or the quarter we'll take those actions and prioritize the ones that we want to implement

00:30:33.040 because the changes might be big implementations they might be like this whole project or another

00:30:38.000 system or whatever and so we just can't you know we just can't willy-nilly change things

00:30:44.380 all the time right we would never get any work done right and so so we prioritize based upon a

00:30:50.000 grouping that we've gotten feedback on and then we take some action around so i don't know different

00:30:55.840 angles around this but like maybe a few things to consider i love to go back to what you do with

00:31:01.060 your with your family i love the change you guys made in the verbiage right from what what's the

00:31:07.540 worst part of your day to what did you learn how different is that right how different that's victim

00:31:12.680 to ownership really is it is right and words matter right words matter so i love that change

00:31:17.460 you guys made because it to me that makes all the difference in the world to that to that exercise so

00:31:22.980 i love that yeah yeah cool it's ironic how we're talking about victim thinking and it's like yeah

00:31:27.640 actually where our ars was like a victim session you know what i mean without that change but you

00:31:33.080 fixed it that's that's the important part you fixed it yeah right uh next one gary mcwilliams

00:31:39.960 asks, how do you pursue a bigger mission for your family without the people closest to you

00:31:44.240 feeling like you're leaving them behind? Do you think his family he's worried about or people

00:31:51.920 outside of his family? Yeah, that's, that's a, that's an interesting question. Cause I thought

00:31:56.320 the same thing when he asked it. So, um, for me, I think the answer's, well, maybe it's not the

00:32:01.240 same, but, but, um, maybe, maybe we can hit it from both angles if, if we can do it succinctly

00:32:06.720 enough. So here's, here's the thought I have. And I'll give you a verbiage I use. I mean,

00:32:12.940 it's not like I didn't make up this word, but I'll add some definition to a word that we

00:32:16.920 probably use often. And it's called the power of enlisting people. Enlist people with what you're

00:32:23.640 doing. I don't, I'm not, I mean, there's some gray here, but sometimes we'll hear, or even I've

00:32:32.120 even said this probably. And even Ryan has probably said this on this podcast is like,

00:32:35.940 you know, don't, don't run your mouth about your objectives and your goals and what you're doing,

00:32:41.200 you know, do it silently or whatever. I lean the opposite direction. I feel like there's power

00:32:47.640 in listing people that, that if I'm about something and Jay's a friend of mine, I tell

00:32:53.500 Jay about it. And I share in a way that hopefully is powerful, that is inspiring. And I enlist him

00:33:01.860 into what I'm doing and what's the power of enlistment is Jay goes dude I'm excited for you

00:33:09.520 and what does Jay naturally want to do support me and help me in it there is power in it so

00:33:17.440 enlist those around you but here's the rub right it's like the ultimate question is is like well

00:33:23.620 what if I make this new change and I'm progressing in a direction I leave people behind and they

00:33:27.900 don't want to come with me well what's the alternative stay where you are dim your light

00:33:33.260 so other people you know they stay in your circle you know the answer man the answer is show up

00:33:42.920 powerfully let that light shine as bright as it will shine and people that are wanting to go with

00:33:50.680 you will go with you and people that don't won't and there's nothing you could do about it now

00:33:57.400 here's you know that might sound depressing but let me say it this way you never know when people

00:34:03.560 need it so jay's showing up powerfully in life he's getting after it i feel like we're separating

00:34:10.280 because he's he's on a different projection than i am and i want to play small in life i don't want

00:34:16.040 to be on the court i want to be a spectator and eventually i'm going to want to be on the court

00:34:21.000 in life who am i going to think about i'm going to think about jay and i'm going to say hey

00:34:27.380 jay dude i remember a couple years ago you made major changes in your life you were doing this

00:34:32.380 awesome stuff dude how did you do it that is now possible because jay chose not to play small

00:34:40.140 right so shine bright man i know this i don't know if that sounds weird to say shine bright

00:34:48.620 but like don't go for it yeah and enlist people and if they're enlisted awesome if they're not

00:34:53.740 they're not it's that it's that lighthouse concept that we talk about right be a lighthouse not a

00:34:59.140 tugboat you can't pull people along with you and when they're ready like you said they'll come if

00:35:03.540 you're that lighthouse um and here's the thing you will when you start making improvements in

00:35:08.200 your life when you start excelling when you you will leave people behind now when it's your family

00:35:13.820 i think it's a little different right i think then you have to have a conversation and and get on the

00:35:18.640 same page right so for me you know my family's not going to do marathons and crazy overnight

00:35:25.700 go ruck events right but we can come together as a family and and have fitness goals and and you

00:35:32.760 know family goals that that that are somewhere like a compromise almost right because we it's

00:35:39.580 nice to say you know zero fucks given up but that doesn't count when it's your family right

00:35:43.900 There's certain people, and to your point, I agree that you don't tell the world your goals and your objectives and all that, right?

00:35:49.880 But there's certain people in your inner circle that you are going to bring in and you're going to enlist, right?

00:35:53.440 And those are your family, right?

00:35:54.600 You should care about your family, right?

00:35:56.820 If I'm so, and I use fitness because that's kind of one of my strengths, right?

00:36:02.400 But if I'm so wrapped up in my fitness that I'm leaving my family behind, my priorities are wrong, right?

00:36:08.360 My priorities are messed up.

00:36:09.540 So when it comes to your immediate family and to your point and list them in and come up with a family vision, right?

00:36:16.540 A family goals on what we want, what our family to look like, but people outside your family, you're going to leave people behind, but be that lighthouse.

00:36:24.180 And when they're ready and, you know, to your point, there's so many people when you're that lighthouse that you're inspiring that you don't even know about.

00:36:32.640 Yeah. Yeah. Isn't that true?

00:36:34.680 well and here's the other thing because i'm going to be careful here jay because i think and i know

00:36:38.940 you're not saying this but like guys lose themselves right a lot that they will get

00:36:44.140 married and then they'll give up all their buddies they don't have any hobbies you know what i mean

00:36:48.400 and so i want to address those guys listening so jay's not saying like hey stop running marathons

00:36:55.160 because no one else in your family wants to run them no no he's not saying that right like bring

00:36:59.920 your family along, but also have your thing. And guys, by the way, no one wants to run a,

00:37:07.340 an Ironman in your family, but you do do it and have them volunteer and have them see you do hard

00:37:14.540 things. Trust me. It's value. It's valuable to them, right? My son, man, I've competed in so

00:37:20.980 many jujitsu tournaments when I was, uh, when I was a younger father, dude. And, and I remember

00:37:28.020 multiple times on the mats getting whooped. And I look over at my son, my son, Kiave is crying for

00:37:37.880 me. He's feeling so bad. He's like emotionally distraught because his dad's getting worked over

00:37:44.080 on the mat. I share that stories because the story that we all want to hold on to is, oh,

00:37:50.760 I'm going to show my kids how to win. No, no, no. It is more valuable for your kids to see you

00:37:57.920 lose and for you handle that loss yeah for you to eat crow for you to struggle they you they need to

00:38:07.140 see you going through hardship doing the training for an iron man and struggling trust me that will

00:38:17.040 be more valuable to them than you being on some pedestal that they don't think they can reach

00:38:22.760 and enlist them and show them that you do hard things and difficult things they don't have to

00:38:29.740 be running the race with you right but they they should see you get after it and have your things

00:38:36.660 that needs to be modeled yeah thank you for that distinction because you're spot on and in my

00:38:42.400 family i still run those marathons i still do the the how they participate is the support right like

00:38:47.900 my wife and kids don't miss those things right there's there's this funny story years ago when 0.72

00:38:53.840 the mud races first became popular there was the tough mudders yeah and i did it yeah did one of 0.81

00:38:58.760 the first tough mudders in new jersey and it might have been the first tough mudder in new jersey and

00:39:02.480 my twins were in a stroller my wife pushed that stroller she might as well have done the tough 1.00

00:39:07.900 mudder because it was at one of these mountains i forget what it was but she pushed that stroller 1.00

00:39:11.540 all around the course to support us right so so that yes you can bring your family into that they

00:39:16.380 don't have to do it but you bring your family into it whether it's volunteer whether it's just

00:39:19.600 showing up in support right like they'll travel hours just to see me just cross the finish line

00:39:25.720 at a marathon right that that's all it's two seconds but they'll travel hours just to see

00:39:30.760 that so yes bring your family into those things and don't don't discard you know uh like you said

00:39:36.380 i got my buddies that i run marathons with and i train with and and but they're part of part of my

00:39:42.120 life, but they're not the core of my life. So, but yeah, yeah. I appreciate that distinction.

00:39:47.100 And I would argue Jay that like your, your kids, obviously your wife and your kids supporting you

00:39:53.040 is great, right? It's good. And that's how, that's kind of the hat we wear often. It's like,

00:39:57.080 oh, they're supporting, man. They're not supporting, like they're supporting the biggest

00:40:01.920 value though, is they're seeing you and they're going, I wonder if I could. Yeah. A hundred percent.

00:40:09.040 like you're, you're planting these seeds, right. For them to consider it, you know, and, and Asia

00:40:14.520 and I, we've been training for that, that half Ironman in Kona. And I didn't even know my son

00:40:21.280 enjoyed running and, and, and literally like last week or the week before Ian goes, man,

00:40:28.300 I think it'd be awesome to do, to do an Ironman. I'm like, I've never heard him say that before.

00:40:33.640 I never told him he should, you know what I mean? But he's, but he's possibility. And maybe that's

00:40:40.540 what I'm trying to say. And this is, this is powerful outside of this conversation.

00:40:46.480 When we do things, we create possibility for others to consider it for themselves.

00:40:53.200 Right. When your buddy sees you level up and have success in life, it's not that Jay's now

00:41:00.540 successful and i'm happy for jay it's i know jay and jay achieved that that might be possible for

00:41:09.760 me to do that right and that's what you're doing as a lighthouse is you're creating possibilities

00:41:15.000 for others to consider for themselves and there's power in that lots of power in that

00:41:20.200 yeah for sure all right we got one more from the iron council elijah elliot asks

00:41:26.520 how much of the principles that we teach in the order of man apply to women

00:41:30.340 all of them i i don't know maybe i shouldn't say all of them maybe i should think about it maybe

00:41:36.860 i don't know yeah but but but that's my first first instinct too is all of them like

00:41:41.820 you know yeah it's it's leadership and and yeah yeah i mean ownership is ownership i mean let

00:41:49.260 me say it this way we're not the same i'm a huge believer that we're not the same not shocking to

00:41:54.440 anyone that's listening. Um, I, I think women are, are because of their feminine traits are more, 0.91

00:42:02.800 um, geared towards and more talented in other areas than we are. Right. And so when we're 1.00

00:42:10.200 spewing protect, provide, preside, you know what I mean? In our masculine ways, you know, I think

00:42:16.260 someone might listen and go, um, these not relatable. I don't feel that way where every

00:42:21.460 other guy listening is like yeah totally i feel that way so are those things transferable maybe

00:42:27.200 kind of you know what i mean so but i mean the the conversation is the principles of what we

00:42:33.800 talk about i think they're transcendent but obviously we're we're gearing our our discussions

00:42:38.440 towards a more masculine individual um and i think that might be relatable to some women and not so

00:42:44.740 much other women that are a little bit more feminine but yeah i don't know yeah i mean i i

00:42:50.260 think you're spot on and i think listen there's there's no reason to say like again we we we

00:42:56.020 espouse the roles of of of the man because we are men and that's what this group is right but like

00:43:01.180 yeah if if my wife's by herself she needs to be able to protect herself on some level right like

00:43:07.040 obviously like so it's a good example and maybe it doesn't quite equate but like you know my wife

00:43:11.580 was a police officer i was a police officer and she knew if she was by herself she would have to 0.98

00:43:17.660 step up and get physical if she needed to. Right. But she was also fine with, if Jay was there, 0.99

00:43:22.560 one of the other guys was there, like, Hey, your job is to go in there and get physical with that

00:43:25.920 guy. I'll help you if you need it. Right. And vice versa. We knew Tara was very good at talking to

00:43:30.420 people, very loving, very understanding. Right. Now I had to be that person if she wasn't there.

00:43:35.020 Right. But if she's there, I'm going to step aside and let her do the talking. She's better

00:43:39.100 at that person better than I am. Right. So, um, you know, it's, it's, I don't think it's do,

00:43:44.900 do they apply i think they they apply both ways it's just knowing kind of when you need to apply

00:43:50.240 them if that makes sense right like yeah and what comes more natural or not yeah right yeah right

00:43:55.920 that's a good and that that kind of soft kind of emotional touch comes more at more natural to most

00:44:01.240 females right i don't want to generalize and the kind of harder comes to for most men right but

00:44:06.040 but that doesn't mean that you don't like i truly believe that that even as men we have a masculine

00:44:10.960 on a feminine nature or side right and and whether you embrace it or not is is you know i think uh

00:44:18.580 to be a whole person you embrace both sides of you right like there's there's a time where

00:44:22.980 the example i always use is as a coach there's a time where a coach that grabs you by the face you

00:44:28.020 can't really do this anymore but grabs you by the face mask and gets in your face right and

00:44:31.940 screams and yells again there's a time where you need a coach to put your put put his arm around

00:44:36.140 you and tell you hey it's going to be okay right and and you need and every athlete or kid is going

00:44:40.620 to need that at different times. And the coach needs to know when to do it. Yeah. Yeah. Yep.

00:44:45.640 That's a great way to say it. All right. We've got a few, few more minutes to get into these

00:44:49.360 Facebook questions. Yeah, sure. All right. We're going to start off with a tough one. You mentioned

00:44:55.540 that there was a tough one at the beginning of the call and, and, and we're going to start right

00:44:59.800 off with the tough one. Devin day ass. My little sister was raped nine months ago. The culprit has 0.98

00:45:05.340 still not been put in jail, even though he has other incidents of hurting people and has missed

00:45:09.220 every single court date. It's looking like he will walk away without any consequences. That's

00:45:13.740 tough. That's my commentary. Sorry. I'm obviously beyond angry and feel a type of rage I have never

00:45:20.160 experienced. I am worried about what kind of choices I will make if the justice system does

00:45:24.340 not do its job. I'm working on moving the needle on the legal battlefront, but how can I fight off

00:45:29.400 the rage before it causes me to snap and make some irreversible decisions? Tough one. Yeah.

00:45:35.340 well at least he's realizing it that's one yeah he's thinking awareness like man um i i have some

00:45:43.660 built-up rage here and i don't want to be making bad decisions right um and props to you one for

00:45:52.460 asking this question your willingness um and also being aware of it and i can't imagine um

00:46:00.660 Or no, I can't imagine. I can't relate, but I can imagine. And my imagining, my imagination tells me that I would be asking the same question you're asking. So I'm just letting you know that I can relate to that because I would, I would have a very hard time with this, especially if I was thinking about being, you know, this was something that happened to one of my daughters, for instance.

00:46:25.140 with that said man the importance of you to be able to ask that question

00:46:34.140 and be around men that you can ask that question around I'm not going to address the question Jay

00:46:41.340 I'm going to let you address the question but let me just say this this is why you need to be around

00:46:47.480 good men because i'm sure jay you can attest to this there are a lot of guys that are not

00:46:56.160 going to give this guy the right answer right right there's a bunch of dudes that are rage

00:47:02.980 bait that will go dude absolutely you need to take matters in your own hands trust me guys we 1.00

00:47:08.700 know there's a bunch of morons men that are idiots that are going to give the wrong advice 1.00

00:47:16.140 and they're they're the same individuals that are giving the wrong advice when hey i think my wife 1.00

00:47:21.920 might be cheating right and they just run off the reservation right and give horrible advice

00:47:29.320 right so man be around men that give good advice that are sound of mind right and will think

00:47:38.700 logically and and it sounds like this individual is because he wouldn't even be asking this

00:47:43.180 question if he wasn't had some form of self-awareness around the situation with that

00:47:48.900 said jay i'll you we talked before we hit record and you're going to be able to answer this question

00:47:53.460 way better than me yeah like you i can i can not relate i can understand right as a father of two

00:47:59.980 daughters and and a brother to two sisters i can understand his rage and and his but but again i

00:48:05.740 applaud him for that awareness that he's even questioning that right but my my thought when

00:48:10.340 this comes from a law enforcement standpoint, right? What would I tell somebody who is frustrated

00:48:14.880 with the legal system is you're not going to do your sister any good if you wind up in jail,

00:48:20.080 right? Your sister's going to need you to support her, not just now, nine months after it happened,

00:48:24.960 but nine years from now, 19 years from now, 29 years from now, right? And if you do something

00:48:30.380 that is irreversible, that you wind up in jail yourself, you're not doing her justice, right?

00:48:36.060 So that's my first thought. And then my other thought is just be an advocate, right? Be an advocate. Keep pushing for the on the legal front, which you said you're doing. But then also not just for your sister, for other victims who aren't getting the justice. Right. Be an advocate. Right.

00:48:51.780 And I think you'll get more long-term satisfaction out of that, supporting your sister, being an advocate, than you would if you went that other route of violence, right?

00:49:02.740 And I get it.

00:49:03.360 I get the instinct to want to do that.

00:49:05.620 But I don't think you'd be serving her by doing that.

00:49:09.560 As much as you feel like you might be, I don't feel like you would truly be serving her if you did that.

00:49:14.920 Jay, how does – I mean I don't want to derail the question too much, but like how does this even happen though?

00:49:20.880 Does it make sense?

00:49:21.520 Like, how is that dude not in jail already?

00:49:23.620 You know, unfortunately, and, and, and we don't have a perfect justice system, right?

00:49:29.040 Due process, right?

00:49:30.060 Due process.

00:49:31.180 And, and there's defense lawyers out there that are good at their job.

00:49:35.920 I don't love it.

00:49:36.860 Right.

00:49:37.160 Being on, being on the other side of that battle for years, but, but out of the other

00:49:42.340 side of my mouth, I'll say we need defense lawyers as well.

00:49:45.060 Right.

00:49:45.500 Cause there's some people that get unjustly accused or unjustly accused.

00:49:49.460 Right.

00:49:49.660 So so it's it's a it's a it's a tough one. It's a it's a philosophical, I guess, question that I don't necessarily have an answer to because I wish there was a perfect answer where everybody who was unjustly accused gets off and everybody who was justly accused or charged gets gets their just punishment.

00:50:06.720 But in this system we have, sometimes it doesn't work out perfect, you know, and that's frustrating, not just for the victims and family of victims. It's frustrating, frustrating from a law enforcement standpoint.

00:50:18.740 right and and hopefully we have some enough defense attorneys out there that that are doing

00:50:25.480 their job but not doing it to the point where it's like manipulative and and dishonest and

00:50:31.360 illegal right yeah totally yeah i wish i had a better answer to that one i heard something i

00:50:37.700 was listening to a book um when i was mowing the lawn yesterday you're getting mow the lawn wisdom

00:50:43.600 here from from you know was working in the yard yesterday anyhow um sorry i'm tired i'm now

00:50:50.860 rambling anyhow one of the things that i took away from that book was that worry and frustration

00:50:59.700 is a lack of understanding

00:51:02.840 so if you find yourself worried and frustrated right you're pissed off it's it's understanding

00:51:11.580 that's that's one of the ways to get away is one obviously have this conversation listen to jay's

00:51:18.020 advice but seek understanding and i'm not saying understanding of people's bad decision i'm not

00:51:23.860 saying that but most frustration and resentment is in that victim thinking right it's like why

00:51:31.800 is this happening to me we'll figure out why it's happening to you think through it man how many

00:51:39.280 times like if if anybody just said hey this person did me wrong and they threw him in jail would that

00:51:43.920 be good is that what you're saying of course not so this is frustrating why because there's a reason

00:51:49.460 that it's frustrating there's a reason why it's taking some time and and i i'm not saying you

00:51:55.380 have to be okay with it or accept it but seek to understand it and that helps reduce the level of

00:52:02.600 frustration that we have with circumstances you're mad at your wife she always acts understand her

00:52:08.640 that's how you do that's how you fix it you're frustrated the underperforming employee guess

00:52:12.700 how you fix that understand the underperforming employee get critically thinking and that will

00:52:19.800 help subdue some of the frustration that you're getting because it's it's in that space of of

00:52:25.100 lack of understanding that that's why it's showing up yeah and to your point i'll add that

00:52:31.200 i know most states in new jersey the county and the state have victim advocates right there are

00:52:36.140 people who who will help you understand the system help you understand maybe why it's not

00:52:40.660 happening as fast as you you think it should be happening right so if you don't have that

00:52:45.580 somebody working with you already i would encourage you to look into that and see

00:52:49.640 if the prosecutor's office or or the whatever whoever's handling the case has some sort of

00:52:55.060 resource for you to help you understand the system a little better and maybe why it's taking a little

00:52:59.120 longer than you think it should got it that's great that's great good resource all right

00:53:06.020 that was a tough one we'll go we'll push forward though michael strano strino hopefully strano

00:53:12.460 or strino i'm not sure uh after a disagreement or heated argument with your wife and you have

00:53:17.680 already mutually made up but there's still lingering tension or awkwardness how best to

00:53:22.460 deal with that without love bombing trying to come on too strong to make up for the initial

00:53:26.480 misunderstanding or disagreement love bombing what's love bombing what does that mean like 0.74

00:53:32.060 Like makeup sex?

00:53:33.080 Love bombing is like over-affectionate, like, you know. 0.93

00:53:37.600 Like superficial?

00:53:39.380 Yeah, I guess superficial, over-affectionate, not genuine, like, affection, I guess you'd say.

00:53:44.280 Oh, okay.

00:53:44.800 I've heard the term before.

00:53:46.080 I don't know if I'm describing it right. 0.98

00:53:48.280 Sounds like a good thing. 0.93

00:53:49.380 I want to get love-bombed. 0.92

00:53:51.080 Yeah. 0.62

00:53:54.180 I'm going to give you the answer that you don't want to hear.

00:53:57.880 Here's the answer you don't want to hear.

00:53:59.800 uh it's lingering resentment because you're not owning it you're still upset because you

00:54:07.720 are out of integrity in some way

00:54:09.560 so let me let me explain and and we'll we'll we'll do it on a j and i right let's say i know

00:54:20.160 we're not in a romantic relationship just to clarify no love bombing happening here

00:54:24.640 but let's let's use good friends we get in an argument we talk through it yeah yeah you know

00:54:33.920 i i agree to disagree we'll use all these phrases and terms that we typically use in society and

00:54:39.260 and we're all good to go but we're really not right and we're still bothered and i probably

00:54:45.420 stonewall him a little bit i kind of avoid him you know every so often and but i'm superficial

00:54:51.820 and then, by the way, I'll make good excuses.

00:54:54.900 We even have phrases for these excuses.

00:54:56.980 Oh, it takes time, right?

00:54:59.500 I'm still getting over it, right?

00:55:01.780 Like we have these phrases, okay?

00:55:03.700 So that's the scenario.

00:55:06.600 This is, and it's present

00:55:09.520 because I haven't owned my role in it.

00:55:12.580 I'm still blaming him.

00:55:14.700 I still think he's the problem.

00:55:18.580 And often I will think Jay's the problem

00:55:21.320 because I'm unwilling to admit the role that I played in it.

00:55:26.940 So it's actually out of integrity that I blame Jay.

00:55:31.700 So how would you resolve this or what would this look like?

00:55:35.460 So I would go to Jay and say,

00:55:37.240 hey, Jay, I need to talk with you about something.

00:55:41.000 That conversation or the situation that occurred last month,

00:55:45.380 you know, last time we're hanging out

00:55:47.380 and we got in that heated argument.

00:55:49.460 I want to apologize.

00:55:51.320 for my role in it. In fact, I actually even want to apologize how I've been showing up for the last

00:55:56.900 month. Full disclosure, even though we talked through it, I'm still mad at you. I'm still

00:56:02.820 frustrated. And I realized that that's unfair. That when you said X, Y, Z, I interpreted it,

00:56:12.900 I interpreted that as you not thinking that I was a capable person. I interpret, I created

00:56:19.860 X, Y, Z meaning about me. And in hindsight, I know that you didn't say that. That was my

00:56:27.860 interpretation. I added that meeting and that's on me. And I know you probably didn't mean that,

00:56:36.000 but that's how I took it. And so I want to actually apologize for how I'm showing up in

00:56:41.120 this relationship and how I've been treating you unfairly due to the interpretation and the

00:56:47.700 perception that i created i i want to apologize yeah i think that's i think that's great advice

00:56:54.360 right i think my simple answer is better communication right i believe a lot in

00:56:59.820 relationships you can solve a lot of your problems almost all your problems with good

00:57:02.420 communication right and if if you've communicated but you still feel it's unresolved then it's

00:57:07.320 really not unresolved right so so exactly go simple for me it would be go to the person and

00:57:13.120 say, Hey, I know we talked about this and I think you, you hit on this, but I still feel a little

00:57:17.940 uncomfortable about it. Can we talk a little bit more about it? Right. And, and I always feel

00:57:21.500 better, um, just getting it off of your chest sometimes. So you might not, they might, other

00:57:25.580 person might not even have answers, but getting the fact that you still feel unresolved off your

00:57:29.440 chest might help you feel a little resolved. Right. Yeah. Here's the key though. And, and I,

00:57:35.240 and dude, trust me, we've had this conversation about guys. Like I never had that conversation

00:57:40.400 with my dad before he passed away. This isn't about Jay, by the way, like in this example that

00:57:45.340 I'm giving you, it's not me trying to change Jay. It's all, I need Jay to apologize. No, no, no.

00:57:51.560 I'm saying you own you. Yeah. And the thing that you're owning is your upset. It's fascinating to

00:58:00.900 me, guys. Listen to me. Anybody that has an upset with anybody, whether it's a parent, abusive

00:58:05.800 parent. Any parent that you're upset with, I promise you, your upset is in the interpretation

00:58:13.120 of what happened. It's actually not in what happened. It's what you made it mean.

00:58:21.720 Now, I know that may be a hard pill to swallow, but here's the beautiful part about it.

00:58:25.600 Who made the meaning? You did, which means what? You can also change it. You can own it.

00:58:33.180 you can move beyond it and you don't need dad's apology i don't need jay's apology

00:58:39.440 if i get present to the interpretation i created is where i'm upset most upsets even you know you

00:58:48.200 think about upsets with your wife it's like oh my wife maybe i was no she didn't trust me there's a

00:58:53.960 big difference between what happened and what you made it mean and your upset is in what you made

00:58:59.260 it mean? So own it. Now I'm not saying pretend you're not upset. No, no, no. That bothered me

00:59:05.900 communicate. Hey, honey, I know this is not what you intended. I, you know, I'm weird, I guess.

00:59:12.520 I don't know. But for whatever reason, when you did X, Y, Z, it really triggered me and it got me

00:59:18.320 feeling this way. And I want to apologize for adding that onto your actions. Cause I know

00:59:25.560 that's probably not what you intended but guys i promise you you need to say it like you can think

00:59:31.780 that in your head and you're still going to be mad at her expressing it is really powerful for

00:59:37.640 multiple reasons one there's just power in expression number two i just let her in to see

00:59:45.560 me a little bit and how i think and and there's there and guess what she didn't run off she's

00:59:54.920 still here so trust just went up and our relationship just got stronger because i was

01:00:01.780 fully expressed with someone and they didn't run away there's power in that so you have to express

01:00:08.480 that stuff yeah that's a powerful distinction and again it's it it is it's always about you

01:00:15.260 it's always about your perception right and it goes it goes back to that first question about

01:00:19.400 victim mentality or you know right like how are you approaching this as a victim mentality you're

01:00:24.080 never going to change the other person. Right. So it's always about you and your perception. And,

01:00:28.160 and, and to your point, and that was my point is you can, you can work it out in your head all you

01:00:33.220 want until you speak the words, it's never going to have the same effect. So that was my point,

01:00:38.140 but I love that distinction. Yeah. Well, and for years, man, for years, Jay, I would do the mental

01:00:43.280 gymnastics in my head. I'd be like, Oh no, it's my interpretation. It doesn't matter. There's

01:00:47.600 no reason for me to talk about it, but I would still be bothered. It was weird. It wasn't until

01:00:53.160 I expressed it that I felt a hundred percent better. The key and the, and the little reminder

01:00:59.240 here is you don't express the story. Right? So if I went to Jay, I'd say, Hey Jay, when,

01:01:07.300 when this occurred, I interpret it as X, Y, Z. I'm talking about my interpretation. I don't go,

01:01:13.840 Hey Jay, remember when you're in an asshole? Like, I'm like, Oh, that's not going to help. 0.99

01:01:18.340 right like you're just accusing them publicly right so you i'm not saying express your your

01:01:25.100 your accusation and your story you express your interpretation and you own your interpretation

01:01:32.140 so be careful of that part because like you might be listening to us wrong and then you're just

01:01:37.300 going to get more of a fight you know yeah for sure for sure well we've been we've been going

01:01:42.380 for over an hour here i don't know i'm good if you're good unless you have one last one or

01:01:47.180 uh let me see if there's one short one we can we can end the note on

01:01:52.360 see see if we can get a get a succinct answer this one how do you find purpose i'll be fast

01:02:01.480 how do you find purpose when working a job you hate that comes from that comes from narajan

01:02:07.680 nanda kumar hopefully i said that right okay purpose in a job you hate well why are you working

01:02:13.940 what what's the intent of working oh because i have to no no you're working for a reason

01:02:21.700 so what's the hope for the future right why are you willing to work in a job that's difficult

01:02:29.040 what are you working towards and if you don't know what you're working towards or you're not

01:02:34.700 working here temporarily until you find a job you love then you're not going to find purpose

01:02:40.900 so we can it's a fascinating humans will deal with anything we we can grind through a great

01:02:48.780 deal of hardship if it's aligned with purpose so figure out the purpose

01:02:57.000 and then you can grind through and and and make sure you see it through um you know add meaning

01:03:04.680 to the grind right if if you want to use that term jay what would you add no i i think that's

01:03:09.680 spot on, right? It's Simon Sinek's know your why, right? With any why you can do anything, right?

01:03:13.900 I'm screwing up the, to how he says, he says it much more eloquently, but even to your point of

01:03:18.820 if it's a temporary job till you can get the job you want, if you know that this is why I'm

01:03:23.560 enduring this, right? If like, I'll use myself example, right? There's, there's plenty of guys

01:03:28.320 who, who get into law enforcement. At one point I was one of these guys and they're like, what am I

01:03:32.720 doing here? Right. And then two things. I had to change my why, why am I here? Because I want to

01:03:38.660 financially provide for my family, and I want to get that pension. Some guys get through their

01:03:47.320 career in law enforcement simply because they know in the end, after 25 years, they're going

01:03:52.400 to have a really good pension. They're going to be able to retire at 51 years old, which is me.

01:03:56.760 I found some other purpose in mind. For me personally, it was not just that, because that

01:04:02.780 was always there even but I realized that I wasn't I used to think that I didn't want to be a police

01:04:09.040 officer then I realized that maybe I didn't love where I chose to be a police officer and then

01:04:12.660 the why became become the supervisor that I wish I had right so I worked my way up through the ranks

01:04:18.960 so that I could be I could change the things that I didn't like about the police department or the

01:04:23.980 supervisors I had and and maybe make the job better for the guys working with me right so

01:04:29.600 But once I knew those two whys and why I was here and why I stayed, right, because some people, the simple answer is like, well, why do you stay?

01:04:37.160 Go do something else, right?

01:04:39.160 And that's not always practical advice, right?

01:04:40.920 Like unless you have something to fall back on, you know, when you have a family to support, saying go chase your passion, in my opinion, go chase your passion, go do something else, and now your family's homeless, right?

01:04:51.760 So sometimes that's not practical, but knowing you, I think you hit it spot on, knowing your why.

01:04:57.500 Figure out why you're there, right?

01:04:58.760 why nearing down why are you still working that job if you hate it why are you still there there's

01:05:04.000 a reason you're still there figure it out and i'd add to this why do you hate it yeah be careful man

01:05:11.400 a lot of people do this all the time oh my job i hate my job and then you what well you get 0.79

01:05:18.660 another job guess what hate that job too i hate that job too all women they're the same it's like

01:05:24.840 eventually you're like hey uh maybe it's your attitude there's a common denominator here yeah 0.56

01:05:30.820 and and the other thing is what is it about it that you don't like what is it that you hate about

01:05:36.060 it be very like awareness is critical i mean i mentioned this already right worry and frustration

01:05:41.320 is a lack of understanding understand it understand why why you're feeling the way you feel

01:05:48.300 why so you can grow from it so you can go okay got it i i don't like it because of this xyz okay

01:05:54.100 Now, when I find the next job, I'm going to ensure, right, that it has these elements.

01:05:58.960 And be careful that you're not being acted upon.

01:06:02.840 I see this all the time.

01:06:04.140 People get a job and we immediately go that, oh, Jay's my boss.

01:06:09.980 Jay's dictating my job.

01:06:12.060 No, stop that.

01:06:13.520 You're the CEO.

01:06:15.240 I signed a contract with Jay.

01:06:17.080 Jay pays me.

01:06:17.860 I do the work.

01:06:18.940 Guess what?

01:06:19.360 If I don't get what I need from Jay, what do I do?

01:06:21.340 i go to jay and say hey jay for you me to be successful for me to fulfill my side of the

01:06:26.680 bargain this is what i need from you jay what a great rep versus waiting and hoping for i sure

01:06:35.040 hope my job appreciates me or my boss appreciates me oh you want to be get more appreciation hey boss

01:06:40.020 getting appreciation is really important to me this is what it looks like can i get that some

01:06:45.180 more or what do you need from from me oh i haven't gotten a raise okay great go to your boss

01:06:50.680 hey i really want to raise what do you need for to see from me over the next six months

01:06:55.340 to guarantee a raise own your job be part of the solution yeah and sometimes we don't do this

01:07:03.200 we sit back and then we complain about the environment but we're doing nothing about

01:07:07.920 the environment and i say this not because like oh your job's really great and you should love it

01:07:12.760 i say this why so you can learn from it don't waste your time in the crappy job

01:07:18.920 great have a crappy job but learn that way your time's not wasted and you're better off for having

01:07:29.040 working there but if you're not learning from it if you're not becoming a better version of

01:07:33.740 yourself and the problem is everyone but you then you are wasting your time right so learn in your

01:07:40.040 current circumstance too yeah and i think you know all too often when we when we work for somebody

01:07:46.640 we think, well, they don't want to hear from us. They don't want my input, but guess what?

01:07:50.320 Nothing's going to change unless you, and, and what, what's, what's going to be any different.

01:07:53.740 If, if, as long as you do it respectfully, you go put the, if, what if, what if they say, you know

01:07:57.520 what, you're right, then, then things might get better. And if they say, you know what, you're

01:08:02.060 not right. We're going to keep doing it the way, well, you're not, you're not a worse off.

01:08:06.460 Yeah. So, so, you know, again, it's, it's that identify the problem and then, and then be part

01:08:11.220 of the solution. Yeah. Amen. All right, Jay, thank you, man. Appreciate it. I know you're

01:08:16.200 on holiday man so that was it was good thanks for yeah no i always appreciate the conversation

01:08:21.380 with you and and uh the opportunity to be on here and answer some questions for guys and

01:08:25.660 hopefully they get something out of it yeah absolutely and hopefully all you guys listening

01:08:29.700 you guys had a good um holiday you know long holiday week um and you have friday filled notes

01:08:36.560 so until friday uh take action and become the man that you were meant to be thank you for listening

01:08:43.720 to the Order of Man podcast.

01:08:45.820 If you're ready to take charge of your life

01:08:47.420 and be more of the man you were meant to be,

01:08:49.840 we invite you to join the Order

01:08:51.140 at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - May 27, 2026

Stop Waiting to Be Saved： Ownership, Mission & Growth ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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