Order of Man - Strength Through Service： Finding Purpose Beyond Yourself ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 Meaning, purpose, and fulfillment in life is only found in one thing, and that is in the service

00:00:05.820 of others. Not personal achievement, not stroking my ego, not look at what I've done. It will always

00:00:13.260 be found in the betterment of someone else. That's why we do what we do, because I have all these

00:00:20.020 opportunities to serve. And it's not rooted in propping ourselves up, it's rooted in actually

00:00:24.660 trying to help other men. And in return, we get served, right? And it allows us to level up as

00:00:32.020 well. Jay, dude, we make it happen, man. How you doing, sir? Good, brother. How are you? Yeah,

00:00:39.140 this is exciting. I think this is our first time together doing one of these, so I'm looking

00:00:43.640 forward to it. Yeah. If you guys haven't caught, Ryan's not on with us today for the AMA, but we

00:00:50.380 have Jay from the Iron Council. Jay's one of our leaders in the IC. Jay, you've been in the Iron

00:00:55.260 Council for how long? Eight years now, going on eight years. Eight years. Yeah. Yeah, go ahead.

00:01:02.560 I was just saying, not quite from the beginning, but almost the beginning. I think Ryan just

00:01:07.440 celebrated the 10-year anniversary, right? So eight years. Yeah, it's wild. I think I'm probably close

00:01:14.500 to nine or so, just a little ahead of you. It's funny. I'm sure we've lost it, but back in the day,

00:01:21.040 we used to have a Google spreadsheet and then we were assigned a number. Do you remember this

00:01:28.080 spreadsheet and do you know what your number was? What's your number? I don't know what my number

00:01:31.300 was. I don't. And I would have been in like the mid to high hundreds. Okay. Because there was about

00:01:39.880 150, 180, somewhere in there when I joined. So you were probably still under a hundred people when

00:01:45.960 you joined. Yes. Yeah. I think it was like 86. It's 86 or 68. It's okay. In my memory, it's one of

00:01:52.620 those two numbers, which is just wild to think about when we joined the Iron Council, we're talking

00:01:58.520 hundreds of guys. And over the last eight years, I mean, I was talking with Ryan about this a couple,

00:02:05.540 you know, just a couple of weeks ago over, I think he said over 10,000 men have gone through

00:02:13.580 the Iron Council over the last 10 years. And we maintain kind of a rack, an active membership of

00:02:21.180 over a thousand, maybe, I think maybe 1200 or 1500 or so. And it's so important, man. Right. It was funny

00:02:29.840 if you don't mind me just kind of derailing a little bit, you know, after the, the Charlie Kirk

00:02:34.240 shooting, I remember there was a little bit of a revival around standing for something. I think a

00:02:41.620 lot of people who followed Charlie saw the effort that he put in and the courage that he had

00:02:50.620 to speak out what around, around what he believed. Right. And his whole platform was debate people that

00:02:58.940 disagree with him, right? Like a lot of us can't even debate politics with family members

00:03:04.520 during Thanksgiving. Right. And he is intentionally putting himself in the space for the spirit of

00:03:11.080 debate. And this is where everyone misunderstood him. One of his greatest, I think, contributions to

00:03:18.240 society was the conversation, the power of the conversation, regardless of your viewpoint.

00:03:24.480 Right. And the fact that he lost his life for that, just kind of rejuvenized, like rejuvenated

00:03:32.000 and renewed for a lot of people that they should be taking a stand a little bit more and standing for

00:03:37.500 their beliefs. And I remember I was at my kids is school there. It's a private school. And they were

00:03:43.300 talking about creating a chapter around turning point. And, and it's like a parent meeting and I'm

00:03:49.280 sitting in the back and I love sitting in the back and just kind of watching people. Right. And judging

00:03:53.660 probably, but regardless, watching people and, and I, I could see this sense of energy

00:03:59.520 from all these parents, like they're rallying, they're, they're about something. And I, and then

00:04:05.380 I, I remember sitting there going, I've been rallying already. I have my thing. And, and my thing

00:04:12.640 is the thing that I've been thinking. I I've been doing with Ryan for the last, you know, eight plus

00:04:17.820 years is supporting this movement. What is order of man? What is the iron council? What

00:04:23.800 are we about? And in the grand scheme of things, what, what's our purpose? Dude, to help men

00:04:30.320 rise up and be better versions of themselves, which is better fathers, better husbands, better

00:04:36.680 employees, better bosses. I mean, I can't think of anything more valuable than us doing that.

00:04:43.460 Right. And, and it's just, it's a Testament of what Ryan's put together. It's a Testament

00:04:47.840 of you and all the other leaders that we have invested a great deal of time for many years

00:04:54.880 because of this cause. And, and, and maybe just a call to action to the guys listening

00:05:00.740 to the podcast. Like, obviously you're, you're listening because you find value in, in these

00:05:06.060 conversations, but help us rally to, right? Like put, you know, share the message, share

00:05:13.060 YouTube, share the video, share the podcast, right? Like this is, this is what's required

00:05:18.820 for society to rise up. It's not in this space of government, you know, hate to break it to

00:05:25.080 a lot of you. It does. Society doesn't get better because of politicians. It doesn't, it gets

00:05:31.880 better with homes, with families. That is, that is the root of a good society is in the

00:05:41.520 home and in the family. And, and that's what we're focused on and help us.

00:05:47.000 Yeah. I mean, I love what you say. It's like, be a man of action, right? We talk about that

00:05:51.260 all the time in the iron council, but think about the 10,000 guys plus guys who have gone

00:05:56.120 through the iron council. Yes. We only keep an active membership of somewhere between a thousand

00:05:59.720 and 1500, but those 10,000 men on some level learned or, or changed the behavior that now

00:06:07.960 is, there's like a ripple effect, right? It's not just 10,000 plus guys. It's, it's all the

00:06:12.680 people in their lives. Cause that's, I'm with you. Like where we, where we can make a difference

00:06:18.200 as men and it is in our circle of influence. Right? So, so yes, you know, yeah, get involved

00:06:23.440 in your local politics, try it. But, but for me, it goes even maybe more grassroots, right?

00:06:29.340 My family, my extended family, the guys in the iron council. And then that, that ripple effect

00:06:34.940 is just so powerful. And, and that's like you, I support the mission full, full fledged and, and

00:06:40.700 just, just happy to be part of it and, and get, do my little part. And, and I give, I get more than I

00:06:48.880 give, right? That's, that's one thing I've learned from the iron council. I know it sounds cliche,

00:06:52.680 but until you have this purpose in your life that, that you can get behind, you don't really

00:06:59.520 realize how much, how much you get from, from like going all in on something.

00:07:05.180 Totally. And there's power before we hop through the questions and we'll get to those here in a

00:07:09.040 second. You know, we talked about this this morning, a little bit within the iron council,

00:07:13.400 we have a Friday call, all hands Friday call. And we were talking about, you know,

00:07:17.900 our internal talk and, and conversations with our, you know, people that are in our lives and,

00:07:24.160 and how to do that effectively and those kinds of things. And, and the one thing that kind of

00:07:28.160 resonated out of the conversation that you were facilitating this morning, and as, and it goes

00:07:32.800 along with what you just said, Jay, is I'm a huge believer that meaning purpose and fulfillment in life

00:07:40.180 is only found in one thing. And that is in the service of others, not personal achievement,

00:07:49.520 not stroking my ego, not look at what I've done. It will always be found in the betterment of someone

00:07:57.060 else. And, and for you, and I, I think I'm saying this, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm assuming I can say this

00:08:04.440 for you as much as for myself. That's why we do what we do, because I have all these opportunities

00:08:10.600 to serve and it's not rooted in propping ourselves up. It's, it's rooted in actually trying to help

00:08:16.080 other men. And in return, we get served, right. And it, and it lets, allows us to, to level up as

00:08:22.560 well. Yeah. A hundred percent. One of my core values is service to others. And, and one of the,

00:08:27.000 those, and I'm going to mess the court up, but it's something along the lines of, you know,

00:08:30.480 you never know like how powerful something is until you do something for somebody that can never

00:08:35.120 pay you back or doesn't even know it was you. Right. And that's, that's where, that's where,

00:08:38.840 you know, it's like, I'm like getting like a weird feeling right now. Cause it's just so powerful for

00:08:42.940 me that, that, you know, when you're doing the right thing for the right reasons, it just becomes,

00:08:48.660 you know, it gives you, it gives your life purpose. And that's, that's what you get back from

00:08:53.140 that. The purpose that, that it gives your life. Totally. Totally. And any Christians, you know, 0.99

00:08:57.740 it's like, love your neighbor. Right. That's what we're talking about. Right. And love is a verb,

00:09:03.580 not a, Oh yeah, I love them. Oh really? So what are you doing? What have you done? Right. And if we

00:09:10.300 can't answer that question, honestly, then we're not loving them. Right. Again, men of action, right?

00:09:16.120 Yep. Absolutely. All right. Let's get into some questions, man. All right. Our first question comes

00:09:20.100 from Levi Brickley. What are some practical ways to be vulnerable and express emotions while maintaining the

00:09:25.480 respect as a father? And then he has a follow-up question that I think we can also talk about.

00:09:29.540 What are your thoughts on the importance of emotional regulation? Yeah. Yeah. So let's,

00:09:34.400 let's first cover the importance of emotional regulation. And then if it's okay with you, it's

00:09:39.740 like, how does that show up in conversation? Right. Is that fair? So I think emotional regulation,

00:09:46.900 let's, let's get really clear. What are we saying? Like for me, when I hear emotional regulation,

00:09:53.240 it is choosing to be intentional with our response versus being reactionary based upon emotion.

00:10:03.620 And, and Jay, you've heard me say this so many times. I I'm sure guys and I encounter like,

00:10:07.980 oh my gosh, Kip in his phrases, his Kip isms. Right. But like we're meaning making machines.

00:10:13.540 And most of the meaning that we make around circumstances aren't true. They're not rooted

00:10:20.660 in facts. They're, they're re-imagine like, you know, have you ever been skiing, Jay, or snowboarding?

00:10:27.480 Yeah. A little bit. Not in a long time, but yeah. So you remember like you, you'd wear the goggles,

00:10:32.260 right? Like the red goggles, right? And you wear them. And at first you're like, oh,

00:10:36.040 the world looks different. Right. And then midday you forget about it. And then you take those

00:10:42.640 goggles off and all of a sudden you're like, oh my gosh, I can't believe it's so white. Cause you got 0.90

00:10:47.700 used to the lens by which you saw the world, which was like amber ish red or whatever, depending on

00:10:53.080 your types of goggles. That's what happens. At age five, something happens. Lens, age 10, 12 lens,

00:11:02.600 teenager lens, parents make mistakes lens. Right. And I, my lens changes and all of a sudden Jay talks to

00:11:09.880 me sideways and I see it through what the lens by which I have seen the entire world.

00:11:16.880 And I think that's true. I think it's like, oh, see, it's evident. Let's see. Jay did that because

00:11:24.260 no one ever appreciates me. Right. And we have these stories, these agreements that we think are facts and

00:11:30.560 we look for evidence of their truth everywhere. I mean, I, it's crazy to me and, and I've like

00:11:37.840 self-evaluated enough in my life to know this is true for me. And, and I've heard other people admit

00:11:42.980 that this is true for them. Maybe it's not for everybody, but there is an element of being human

00:11:47.700 that we would rather be right and miserable than wrong and happy. It's kind of sick.

00:11:55.920 And so I would rather validate the lens by which I see the world in these agreements than probably be

00:12:03.740 happy and wrong. And it's wild to me. And so emotional regulation is hold on. Am I seeing this

00:12:13.440 through a lens? Is that true? Am I overreacting? Am I assuming my wife disrespects me or hates me or

00:12:23.060 something? Or was she just busy and raise her voice really quick because she wasn't sure she 0.99

00:12:28.620 could hear me? I could hear her. It could be very simple. And so emotional regulation from my

00:12:34.780 perspective is in that place. I said this this morning. I think it's an important thing to realize

00:12:39.680 we are not logical. Everyone thinks they're logical. Even I would, I used to put myself in this

00:12:45.640 category. I'm like, I'm an analytical thinker. I, I analyze everything. No, no, no. Let's clarify.

00:12:51.420 I make meaning of something that's emotionally driven. And then I use logic to justify the

00:12:57.460 emotional opinions I have. And I call that being logical. We're not logical. We're emotional beings.

00:13:04.840 And so emotional regulation is, is this emotion in line with what's best to serve this person?

00:13:13.980 This conversation, is it rooted in facts? Am I overreacting? It's, it's all about intentionality.

00:13:19.460 Right. And I think it's found in that. Yeah. You're going to say something. Yeah. I think of the power

00:13:24.280 of the pause, right? The power of the pause, right? Cause I know I relate, I was, you're talking,

00:13:28.480 I'm relating this to myself and, and, you know, you know, that I came there and counseled with an

00:13:32.380 anger problem and it was always a reaction as opposed to response. Right. And I can tell you that

00:13:37.800 almost every time that I had what I would call one of my adult temper tantrums, you know, the next day

00:13:43.240 I would think about how silly it was that I reacted that way. Right. And that, that had,

00:13:47.660 I just take the time to pause, gather some facts, right? I had, I had the chief police tell me once,

00:13:53.280 and it was probably because I responded in anger to something or reacted with facts before acts.

00:13:58.180 Right. So we take that power of the pause, really, really kind of think about what's going on here and,

00:14:03.520 and figure out what's true. And what am I, what am I giving, what meaning am I giving this,

00:14:07.780 to your point, what lens am I looking at this through, then we can respond. And, and, and there's

00:14:13.000 a time for anger, but, but most times, if you take that power of the pause, you're going to,

00:14:18.180 you're going to realize that anger isn't the appropriate response. And this is to me,

00:14:22.260 emotional regulation, right? That power of the pause facts before acts. Now I can respond appropriately.

00:14:28.220 Totally. And, and I think that answers, answers the original question from Levi in practical ways,

00:14:33.940 pause. Right. And I think the other part is we have to check our mindsets, right? And, and actually,

00:14:40.580 let me address this because he says practical ways to be vulnerable and express emotions while

00:14:45.400 maintaining respect as though those are opposites. I actually do not think those are opposites

00:14:50.720 whatsoever. You can be authentic and, and being authentic is a form of vulnerability. In my opinion,

00:14:58.800 you can be authentic and express your emotions and not lose respect. And in fact,

00:15:03.920 I would argue that you will get more respect in that. If you are being intentional about your

00:15:10.760 emotions, right? If my emotions are a lash out on my kid, right? Oh, I hate you guys. You guys never

00:15:17.060 respect it. Like if it's not true, if it's not rooted in that, and it's all about me and my

00:15:21.820 interpretation, well, then I'm going to lose respect. But if my emotions are rooted in truth,

00:15:29.000 right? And intentionality expressing them, you're not going to lose respect. You're going to gain

00:15:35.420 respect. And especially in a work setting, man, I can't count how many times I've seen this where if

00:15:42.600 a leader just owned it, guys, I, I screwed up. I'm incompetent. Sometimes I make mistakes. I'm sorry.

00:15:53.760 I feel like shit, but I'm committed to making a difference. I'm committed to you guys. I'm committed

00:16:01.160 to doing whatever necessary to help us win. Most leaders won't say that because they assume, oh,

00:16:08.180 they're going to lose respect. But everyone that just heard me say that you tell me you wouldn't

00:16:13.420 have more respect for that boss. If they communicated that way, all of us would. Yeah.

00:16:19.080 Yeah. So don't, don't fall into this false dichotomy that, that those two things mean one

00:16:25.640 or the other. And our kids need to see this. I remember not to get too, I'll try not to get

00:16:32.180 emotional about this, but I re I remember my dad when he went into the hospital and he was,

00:16:38.440 it was like, Hey, your dad's, it was like a message from my mom saying, Hey, your dad's going to the

00:16:42.600 hospital. You might want to come visit him. Like not a, he's dying. Just kind of, you know,

00:16:47.920 he's not doing too well. And he just went downhill super fast. And so it was like pretty much a two

00:16:54.680 week period. It felt like of, of just everything's okay to, to him passing away. And I remember

00:17:01.840 one night we're saying family prayers and my kid says something about my dad in the prayer. And I just

00:17:08.780 lost it. Just couldn't, couldn't deal with it. And part of me was like, Oh, hide that.

00:17:17.920 And I'm like, no, own that. And then my kids were like, dad, what's wrong? And I'm like, I'm not ready

00:17:24.500 for my dad to die. I'm not ready for it. You don't think my kids benefited from being present to a

00:17:37.100 hardship? Dude, of course they would. It's our ego that stops us from not being expressed.

00:17:43.760 Right. But our kids need us to know, Hey, I'm struggling here. Now the Ryan in me,

00:17:51.280 cause I've heard him talk so many times. Right. As like literally right now, I know exactly what

00:17:57.360 Ryan would counter to what I said. And I agree with him and his response would be if you're struggling,

00:18:04.120 but don't like, Oh, what was me? Right. Like move to action. Right. Create stability. Right. It's our

00:18:11.260 job as men to protect and preside and create stability in the lives of those we love. Right.

00:18:18.020 And so if you're stressed out, like, mom, man, I don't know if I can provide for the family.

00:18:22.380 Right. You can express maybe your concern, but follow it up with, and this is what I'm going to do

00:18:28.600 about it. Right. Because that's the modeling they need and that's the protection and stability that

00:18:34.800 they need. And that's our jobs. Anything you would add to that? No, just, um, that I think we set our,

00:18:42.320 our kids up for failure when we don't show that authenticity and that vulnerability. Right. Cause

00:18:47.500 then they think, Oh, I can't be vulnerable. Oh, you know, maybe as a kid, it was all right to be

00:18:52.620 vulnerable. Now I'm, I'm 18 and I'm a man or I'm a woman and, and I need to, I need to, you know,

00:18:57.260 have it all together and not be vulnerable. Right. And I think that's, we were setting them

00:19:01.080 up for failure. And, and again, now they're going to back to that lens. They're going to

00:19:04.780 view things through, they're going to view through the lens of, Oh, I can't show this emotion. I have

00:19:08.460 to show that I'm strong and I have it all figured out. Right. And it's, listen, I think of my own

00:19:12.880 father when his mother passed away and, and, you know, the Giardullos aren't, aren't, uh, all that

00:19:18.620 great at expressing emotion. Right. And, and when, when the time came for my father to shed tears, he made us all

00:19:24.780 leave the room. Right. And we all knew what was going on. Right. And, and I think that, that I

00:19:29.240 didn't lose any respect for him. I would have more respect. I understood like, of course, he's going

00:19:33.380 to cry his mother if he didn't cry. Right. So, so I think, you know, let's love my dad to death. I

00:19:39.720 think where he failed a little bit there is making us leave the room. Right. Cause he wasn't, wasn't like

00:19:44.340 the whole time the funeral, he was weeping and feeling bad and not, he did, he showed us how to, how to

00:19:49.400 grieve, right. How to appropriately handle this situation. And when it came time for him to grieve,

00:19:53.300 it would have been good for us as young kids to maybe see a little bit of that as opposed to being

00:19:57.500 asked to leave the room, you know? So I think we set our kids up for failure when we don't show them

00:20:02.100 that. But to your point, when we, when we wallow in it or we act like victims is when, is when we're

00:20:07.020 wrong. Right. Yeah, absolutely. And we talked about this a little bit, uh, this morning as well in the

00:20:13.160 iron council. Um, what happens, like, let's think through this. What happens when I'm authentic with you,

00:20:20.800 Jay and I express something I'm struggling with our relationship is stronger. Trust is formed.

00:20:30.100 I open myself up for you to see a portion of me that might be a little bit in that space of

00:20:37.400 vulnerable. And in most cases, our relationship strengthens. This is why in a, uh, a psychological

00:20:44.040 need of most people is to feel seen and heard to feel that they can be expressed and people won't

00:20:51.760 leave that. I can admit my shortcomings and my wife's not going to leave me. That makes me feel

00:21:00.220 loved. So, okay, great. Never emotion. You think what, what level of relationship are we losing out

00:21:09.160 with our children, with our brothers, with our friends, with our family members, because our

00:21:16.040 unwillingness to create that space for someone, right? Relationships are at stake too.

00:21:22.940 Yeah. And you, and by you being vulnerable and authentic, authentic with me, you open me up to do

00:21:28.060 that. Right. And I can tell you at being on the other side of that, it's almost a relief. Like, Oh,

00:21:33.620 now I can, I can show him that I'm struggling with this. Right. Um, totally. So, and how many times

00:21:38.960 does that happen where, you know, you open up to somebody and the next thing, you know, they're

00:21:42.380 like, you almost see the relief come over them and then they're opening up to you. Right. So

00:21:46.580 it's powerful. It's powerful. Yeah. Love it. All right. Our next question comes from, I have to say

00:21:52.720 this. It would be really funny. Like, and maybe, maybe next time, maybe next time we have our opportunity

00:21:58.640 to record the podcast together, we, we answer the questions as though we were Ryan. It'd be

00:22:04.960 really funny. That would be funny. I know exactly how he had answered this. Yeah. And you were spot

00:22:10.720 on. Right. Cause I, I, I do that a lot too. It's funny. Cause I'll do it like when I, when I, when

00:22:15.580 he's there and I hear somebody say something that I know he like rubs him the wrong way. I get, I'm

00:22:20.520 like, yeah, he shouldn't have said that. Ryan's going to give it to him and I know exactly what he's

00:22:25.380 going to say. So that would be interesting to do. Yeah. Yeah. He would have gotten triggered

00:22:28.560 by Levi saying vulnerable for sure. He would have lost this shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's

00:22:34.640 great. Uh, so our next question comes from an iron council member, Mike Nebucher. He's a

00:22:39.580 battle team Ulysses. Um, so the first part is he says, Ryan, I think it'd be really good

00:22:43.740 for you to talk about what you posted on Facebook today. Ryan had posted that he was struggling

00:22:47.420 a little bit, that, that he was feeling, feeling the struggle. Right. Yeah. Um, so his question

00:22:52.600 is actually, what are some good habits to have in place for you when you feel deflated and life

00:22:55.980 is getting the best of you? Yeah. So, and I call, we need to, we need to flip the script.

00:23:07.380 It's interesting. We did, you know, we'll use the correlation of going to the gym, right? You

00:23:14.600 don't go to the gym cause it's comfortable, right? You go to the gym cause it's uncomfortable

00:23:20.420 because you know, by going to the gym and being uncomfortable and running on the treadmill

00:23:25.420 or lifting weights and tearing fibers in your muscles, that your muscles get bigger. We know

00:23:30.440 this. We also know that that is how people grow that stress, even in the brain is an enhancer

00:23:41.500 to learning and growth. But yet when stress shows up, what do we do? Oh, I shouldn't be this

00:23:48.840 way. This is so, you know what I mean? And we wallow in it and we get frustrated with

00:23:53.060 it. It's not true. It's where growth is. Right. And so I think the first thing is, and

00:23:58.860 I know it's hard, ironically enough, when Ryan made that post, um, on social media, I was

00:24:04.920 like, dude, I need to talk because I'm feeling the same exact way. Right. So, but I use this

00:24:10.360 phrase, I'm in it, man, I'm in it. And I'll even use that at work. I see an employee or

00:24:15.640 leader, like really struggling. I'm like, you in it. And they're like, I'm in it. Right.

00:24:20.100 Got it. Right. Like I feel that that's, I, I understand. I'm not going to take away and

00:24:27.380 pretend there's not a struggle happening, but let's also embrace that and go, got it. Like

00:24:32.900 this is, this is the opportunity for growth. And so we need to first flip the script and

00:24:38.140 not demonize this thing that is called growth. And it is difficult and it is uncomfortable and

00:24:44.920 that's okay. The question is, is how do we deal with it? Which ultimately is, is Mike's

00:24:50.080 question. So we flip the script first and then deflated. I think this goes down to our

00:24:57.720 self-awareness. What is the internal dialogue at play that makes you feel deflated? Man, I

00:25:05.980 never can pull this off or I'll never succeed. Right. They're usually in these dramatized

00:25:11.440 internal statements, probably related to that lens that we've been building our entire life.

00:25:17.600 Right. And, and that's why we feel deflated. Right. And, and, and I think we have to realize

00:25:24.500 that like, be present, like, okay, is that true? And I think for most of us, we'd realize actually

00:25:31.060 it's not true or, you know, we look at it and, and we put better context on it. Now for me,

00:25:39.040 and I'll just share literally what I did yesterday, because I felt like this, I felt highly deflated

00:25:43.980 yesterday and the day before for the last two days, I'm in this, I'm in it. Yeah. And I'm like,

00:25:51.360 right. And it's ironic is like, Oh, what advice would I give someone else? And, and my advice would

00:25:59.300 be plan your work and work your plan. What's the plan kit. It's all about reps. I tell my kids this,

00:26:07.140 Oh dad, I wish I had a, I was better at basketball. Got it, son, but you can wish all you want,

00:26:12.300 but it's all about reps. The only reason why little Tommy's better than you is because he's

00:26:17.400 been practicing more. That's it. So you want to get better at it. You want to address the current

00:26:22.340 issue, put in the reps. What's the plan. Oh, I wish I was more successful. Okay, great. How are you

00:26:27.900 going to become more successful? Move to action. I read this post. This is fascinating. I'm, I'm rolling

00:26:32.920 this into our leadership development. Guess when motivation shows up after action, never before

00:26:42.600 never. It's weird. We've been looking at motivation wrong. You don't get motivated and then act you act

00:26:52.800 and then you get inspired and motivated. So you got to move to action. This is why when we get stuck in

00:27:00.380 it, we have a tendency to be like, Oh, I'll just wallow. I'll eat like shit. I will. I'll skip the

00:27:04.680 gym. I'll watch a movie like, and then you, and you're still stuck in it. Well, guess how you get

00:27:09.360 out of it? You get on the path and you start taking action towards it. Cause it's a form of

00:27:14.320 empowerment. So here's my, here's my one, two punch for you, Mike. Uh, sorry, I'm all over the place

00:27:21.080 here. So I'll, I'll get more succinct. Ryan's way better at like, Oh, here's your three-step plan.

00:27:26.680 And then he just makes up some shit like instantly with like three steps. I'm not good at it. So

00:27:32.100 here I'm, I'm working on it. Here you go. So Mike, if you really think about it, it's victim.

00:27:38.560 It's the victim trap. Disempowerment is always in the space of victimhood that this thing is outside

00:27:45.820 of my control and I can't do nothing about it. That's why you feel disempowered, right? So how do

00:27:50.060 you move from victim to owner? Step number one, you deal in reality. What are the facts?

00:27:57.380 Facts are, I don't make enough money. I have too much debt. I have to fix it. That's the facts.

00:28:03.280 Got it. What's my role in it? Where have I gone wrong? Not so you can blame yourself and shame and

00:28:10.740 all that guys. No, no, no. Where's my role in it? Why? So I can learn what's the solution. And I move to

00:28:18.920 action. And the minute we start taking action towards our problems, we will feel empowered and

00:28:26.480 we'll feel a hundred percent better. It's when we don't act. Yeah. With action comes clarity.

00:28:32.840 The only thing I'll add to that Kip is, is to, to get some of those small wins to build that

00:28:38.840 motivation is I would say have, have some minimum effective dose strategies, right? Like don't feel,

00:28:46.940 don't feel like doing anything. I'm deflated. I can't, I can't even imagine getting into the gym

00:28:53.340 and throwing some weights around. I'm going to go for a walk, right? Minimum, and I've never gone for

00:28:58.400 a walk and not felt better afterwards. Right. I've never, you know, you know, I'm going to, I'm going

00:29:04.940 to read a chapter of, of whatever motivational book that, you know, I'm going to read a chapter of

00:29:10.220 atomic habits, uh, of sovereignty. Um, and, and just some minimum effective dose strategies when

00:29:16.400 you're feeling delayed, deflated to give you that motivation to celebrate, to have that small little

00:29:21.740 win. And then again, like to your point, the motivation comes in and you just keep building

00:29:25.860 on that. Totally. You know, two things come to mind. How much of this is a sense of loneliness?

00:29:33.200 I think a lot of the time, I don't know, this might be a stretch here, but I'll put it out for

00:29:41.060 consideration that we feel alone in it. And maybe just a conversation with a buddy

00:29:48.260 and realize you're not alone in it, that other guys are dealing with the same thing, just kind

00:29:54.620 of makes you feel like a hundred percent better. Um, the other thing that come to mind too, as you

00:30:00.720 shared Jay was, um, I get this with employees sometimes, like they feel overwhelmed, right?

00:30:06.520 They're just like, Oh, I'm so overwhelmed. And I, and I just, I still this from echelon front from

00:30:11.500 Jocko prioritize and execute. It's amazing. If you got way like all this, that needs to be done,

00:30:18.720 just figure out what the next three things are. Forget all the other stuff. What's the,

00:30:25.620 what's the one, two, three and work on the one, two, three. But if it's like, you have all the

00:30:30.640 things you don't identify the priority and you're trying to work on all of them, you're going to

00:30:34.840 feel overwhelmed. So maybe do some prioritization as part of that execution process as well.

00:30:41.020 Yeah. Next best step. Right. I felt a little bit about that this morning, right? Cause I have a lot

00:30:45.200 going on today and it was like, man, I got all the, how am I going to manage all this? And then it's

00:30:50.120 just like, Hey, slow down. Right. You got the 9am all hands-on call. That's your focus,

00:30:56.260 right? Prepare for that. Right. Then I had somebody come into, I sold something on Facebook

00:31:00.340 marketplace, right? Like, all right, I got to get this done and make sure, make sure it's

00:31:03.760 actually working. You know, he's coming to buy it. But like, so I wasn't worried, but in my mind,

00:31:08.040 I'm like, I also got to be ready for the AMA. Right. But I'm like, Nope, let's, let's get the

00:31:11.620 striper. Let's start it up, see if it's working, make sure. Right. So it's just next best step. And,

00:31:16.720 and to your point, prioritizing, right? Yeah. I have a lot going on today. And, you know,

00:31:19.980 I'm not thinking about wrestling practice now on this AMA. It's that old thing. Be where your feet

00:31:26.240 are. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. Be where your feet are. I mean, it's even, you know, that's kind

00:31:31.740 of like this phrase that I teach my son, you know, do your best, forget the rest. It kind of is rooted

00:31:37.960 in that idea too. Like, don't worry about the next thing. Just do your best with what you're doing right

00:31:43.020 now and forget it. Like move all the, what ifs, all that kind of just, just, just do your best in the

00:31:49.460 current task. Right. Yeah. Disengage from the results, right? Disengage from the results,

00:31:53.760 focus on the process we hear all the time. Cool. Next question comes from another iron council

00:31:59.960 member, Matt Mattucci, XO of Oscar. I've been setting up get togethers for the men of the IC in

00:32:06.160 the Salt Lake area sometime over the last few months, only one or two guys show up. How do I create more

00:32:11.500 enticing events? Because I know that there are quite a few guys in the area. Having KIP come to all of them

00:32:16.520 is the worst thing that could ever happen. No, that's not. Having KIP come to all of them would

00:32:22.200 be an easy answer because it seems like a lot of people are in when he is in, but we know he's

00:32:27.160 always stacked. Also with the seasons turning, what are simple ideas for indoor activities?

00:32:32.800 Got it. So two things, create more enticing events, right? To try to get better numbers. And then

00:32:42.000 number two, simple ideas for indoor stuff. So first off, let me say this, you know, Matt,

00:32:47.380 you're a great example of this man. Like he he's being assertive. He says, Hey, I'm part of the iron

00:32:54.120 council. There's a bunch of guys in the iron council in Northern Utah. We don't get together. So what does

00:32:59.420 Matt do? He makes it happen. Yeah. How many guys first off are sitting back going, Oh, I wish,

00:33:06.780 Oh, I wish I'll wait and hope. I, I, I sure think that Jay should do this. Oh, I think my boss should

00:33:13.800 do this. Right. And it's like, well, you do it. Right. So first off props to you, Matt for like,

00:33:19.300 Hey, I want something. I have a need. Um, or I think we should do it and you're doing it. Right.

00:33:25.080 So like, don't the fact that you're not getting the numbers per se, like, yes, it's good to evaluate

00:33:31.140 and like, how do I improve, but at least you're taking action against it. Right. And so,

00:33:34.840 so props to you. And, and obviously I benefited from your efforts, um, to rally and, and have a

00:33:41.480 group. Um, the key things here is consistency. Um, for the most part, I would, what I would

00:33:49.480 encourage you to do is if you're doing like a monthly or quarterly start setting the tone right

00:33:55.000 now. Hey guys, I want to start a monthly meetup. It's on the third Thursday of every month,

00:34:01.840 block your calendars now, like create reoccurring consistent that everyone knows. I think that's

00:34:09.540 going to help you. Um, of course, rallying the guys, but also it's amazing. And, and I

00:34:16.560 think we can still this principle in multiple facets of life. So like everyone hear me out

00:34:21.520 here. There is a big difference when you're a leader and you communicate to the masses and

00:34:28.980 I say, Hey, all leaders, I want you to, or I expect you to do X, Y, Z. And this is how

00:34:35.220 we typically do this, by the way, all leaders do X, Y, Z. And then we sit back as a leader

00:34:39.960 and go, man, why aren't they listening to me? There is a big difference between part being

00:34:45.520 part of a group conversation versus me calling up you Jay as a leader and say, Hey Jay, can

00:34:51.920 I ask you to do X, Y, Z for me? It'd be really meaningful and important. And this is why

00:34:56.940 it's important. Would you be willing to do that? You do that to every leader. Guess

00:35:04.400 what happens? They all do it. Why? Because that's more meaningful. Oh, I'm included on

00:35:12.400 a thread. I'm included on an email. You're telling me what to do at a group accountability

00:35:16.300 level. Screw that. Really? But you reach out to me. Kip, it's important to me. This is

00:35:24.220 why. Do I have your commitment? Connection? Got it, boss? Absolutely. I'll be there.

00:35:32.500 Right? Matt, you could do the same thing on these meetups. Grab a couple of those guys,

00:35:36.820 call up Matt, call up the other, Brett, right? Call up me and say, Hey Kip, it's really important.

00:35:42.020 This is why it's really important. I really want to create this. Can you prioritize it for

00:35:46.340 me? Now we're talking. That's powerful. People will always commit 100% more in a one-on-one

00:35:56.160 commitment because it's an ask of commitment. A suggestion, an email, that's weak town. That's

00:36:02.460 blue belt level. You know what I mean? Accountability, right? So do the personal reach

00:36:06.680 out. Indoor stuff, you already know the answer to this, man. We're going to do jujitsu this

00:36:11.340 month or next month, maybe some self-defense stuff. But like change of seasons, man, we're

00:36:18.300 mountain men. We're in Utah. Screw that, right? Let's go outside. Let's go snowshoeing up the

00:36:25.540 mountain, even though it doesn't make sense. Let's hike up the canyon to some hot springs

00:36:30.080 in the middle of winter, right? Like, you know, be a little unreasonable with your craziness

00:36:35.820 and people kind of get excited when you talk crazy, right? You know, Mike Schaefer, Jay,

00:36:42.680 you know, Mike is so funny. Like we did a hike. We did a hike last month with Matt. He organized

00:36:50.360 it. I was on a 72 hour fast and I'm like, yeah, sure. By the way, bad idea. I thought I was going

00:36:56.200 to have a heart attack. That was not a good idea. But we did this hike and my heart's just pounding

00:37:01.640 or whatever. And, and Mike Schaefer, what does he say to me? Dude, you want to do Timpanogos tonight?

00:37:07.160 I'm like, and Tim, you, you like hike at 2 AM in the morning to get there by sunrise.

00:37:13.280 It's a legit, very difficult hike. And he's doing this hike with us and saying, Hey, in eight hours,

00:37:20.440 do you want to do something even harder? It was so enticing. Cause I'm like, you're crazy.

00:37:27.420 Sounds awesome. You know what I mean? And, and, you know, so be a little unreasonable, Matt. It's

00:37:31.820 okay. It's a disrupted a little bit. Yeah. A couple of things, a couple of thoughts I have while you

00:37:37.000 were talking is one, I love the one-on-ones, right? It gets buy-in, but I'll take it a step further.

00:37:42.020 You're looking for things to do. When you have those one-on-ones, ask those guys what they want

00:37:46.600 to do, right? If you're doing what they, a suggestion that they made, like, Hey, you've talked to three

00:37:50.880 guys. Hey guys, here's the next three trips. And they're all suggestions from those three guys.

00:37:56.220 You don't think those guys are going to be all about it. And even, even if the third, the last,

00:38:00.240 the third guy has the last idea, he's gonna be like, Oh, we're doing mine. I want to make sure

00:38:03.900 that people show up to mine. So I'm going to show up to those first two. Right. And then the other

00:38:07.640 thing is, you know, kind of that, again, release yourself from the results, like focus on who shows

00:38:14.060 up. Like Alan and I organize a lot of Northeast events. Right. And sometimes, you know, when we were

00:38:20.360 doing that rucking challenge, Alan would put it out there. We'd meet at the Manasquan reservoir by his

00:38:24.660 house. He'd put it out there and it would just be me and him. But that just meant that me and him

00:38:28.760 get to have more one-on-one time and go deeper with each other as opposed to a group. Right. So

00:38:33.840 focus on who shows up. And if it's just one guy, great. You get to know that one guy that much

00:38:40.820 better. Cause it's just you and him sweating and bleeding together. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. Good

00:38:46.220 call. Cool. All right. Another, uh, iron council member, Travis Gare. I hope I'm saying that right.

00:38:51.800 G A E R Gare. He's looks like he's a new member going through the onboarding process. Um, and the 0.99

00:38:57.040 iron council is open for those of you who are interested in joining. Right. Um, what is it?

00:39:01.200 Order man.com slash iron council. Uh, his question is, I just turned 41 years old. I'm in the process

00:39:07.060 of rebuilding my life. I have a son and hopefully one day me and his mother will be married. We have

00:39:12.560 not lived in the same house in 10 years, but things are going good between her and I and me and my son.

00:39:17.040 I have a job that pays. Okay. But it's not a job that, that I think he wants to say that has much

00:39:23.920 of a future for me. What would be smarter choice? What would be a smarter choice? Looking at pay

00:39:29.940 benefits and retirement, joining a heavy equipment operators union, or just a better company that

00:39:34.200 appreciates and takes care of their employees. My only obstacle that I can see are just like,

00:39:39.180 I think it's lack of training or experience operating. And I currently do not have a vehicle,

00:39:43.240 which is why the job, why I have the job I have. This is, this is a long one. I think that the long

00:39:49.100 and short of it is, is he's, he wants to know, um, strategies for, well, I'll read the rest of it

00:39:57.140 so we can get, I don't want to, I don't want to. Yeah. He jumps to, I guess my question is, do you see

00:40:02.120 that? Uh, we can jump to that. Yeah. I don't look. I guess my question is how can I prioritize saving

00:40:07.700 for a vehicle yet? Keep my other bills and collectors satisfied. And that, and that's,

00:40:13.160 you're guilty because the Chris, again, I guess he's guilty because Christmas is coming up. Yeah.

00:40:19.480 Yeah. So, so I think what the question is, is how does he prioritize getting that vehicle so he can

00:40:24.180 get the better job? Right. And, and then he's got all these other kind of, um, issues when it sounds

00:40:29.360 like around money and finances. Yeah. Yeah. So let's like, let me paraphrase this in my head as I like

00:40:35.220 think through this, right? Like you got a job, doesn't pay good enough. There's a sense of like,

00:40:43.520 I don't feel appreciated in it. Christmas is coming up. Pressure's coming. I want to like,

00:40:51.160 wow, the wife or wow, the ex-wife or the girlfriend, I have this hope of we're going to be together. I'm,

00:40:59.000 I feel this. I don't know why I feel this is like part of this. Travis is like you getting your

00:41:04.920 shit together is part of the weight of whether you and her are actually married someday, right?

00:41:10.740 Like there's this, all this weight on how you're showing up. How do I get a new job when I don't

00:41:19.040 have a car? The job I currently have is the job I have because I can ride a bike to it, but I don't

00:41:23.980 have the money to get the car to get the better job. I mean, dude, it's, it goes back to like Jay,

00:41:30.580 like what we're talking about earlier, you're in it and you're feeling it and it means all this stuff.

00:41:38.020 Yeah. Like I'm exhausted. Like, you know, like I feel you. Right. And so I don't say that

00:41:44.940 like from a mean perspective, like I feel you, I feel the weight of that.

00:41:48.900 I would focus on stop. First off, stop the false dichotomies. There's a lot of false dichotomies

00:42:00.980 in here. Oh, it's this or it's that. No, no, no. Deal in a reality. What's your reality?

00:42:07.740 You probably have more debt than you have income. You struggle getting a new job because you don't

00:42:13.000 have a vehicle to go get right. And you probably can't get a loan for the car.

00:42:16.880 That's your reality. So how do you deal in that current circumstance? Like you have to figure

00:42:26.600 out how do you move to action? And, and I'm, I'm saying it this way because I also don't want to

00:42:33.020 be like, Oh, Hey, you know, Travis do X, Y, Z. And then you just do X, Y, Z. That's not the issue.

00:42:39.120 The biggest issue or the bigger issue is you being stuck. And how do you get unstuck to identify the

00:42:46.420 answer specifically for you on your own? Does it make sense? And so try to get to this space of like

00:42:53.560 dealing in your current circumstance and making sure you're separating your interpretations from

00:42:58.640 the facts. Can you make more money where you're at? I didn't hear that in here, right? Like that

00:43:07.280 might be a conversation away. Boss, I'm in a tough situation. I need to make way more money. I'm willing

00:43:14.580 to work overtime. I'm willing to bust my ass. I'm willing to do all these other things.

00:43:19.100 What can I do to make more money immediately? What's the second job that I need to maybe

00:43:26.720 prioritize and have a second job in play for me to save up enough money to get a car that I can then

00:43:33.480 apply for another job, right? Like, but you, you got to hustle where you are. And here's the,

00:43:40.360 here's the, and I don't know if this is true, Travis. So like, you know, don't think this is a

00:43:44.540 judgment. Most of us will not communicate what I just said. Most of us will sit back and go,

00:43:51.960 well, I'm working hard, but my boss doesn't see my value, but you haven't said anything to him either.

00:43:58.080 And the reality of it is it may not be true. He may value you and he's just busy and not realizing

00:44:05.380 and whatever. So see your job. This is what I like to tell employees. See your job as you're the CEO

00:44:13.220 of Travis, Travis incorporated, Travis incorporated. You're the CEO. Are you doing amazing work right

00:44:21.880 now in your current role? And is your client happy with your work? Yes or no. If they're not, what are

00:44:27.940 you doing to make sure they are? And what upsell opportunities do you have as the CEO of a Travis

00:44:34.860 incorporated with your current client, AKA your current boss? You own this world. They pay you

00:44:43.220 based upon the value you bring. You bring more value. You get negotiation power to get more in

00:44:48.980 return. Look at it the holistically that way. Don't be passive to the boss, right? You get your own

00:44:56.600 and you drive it as much as humanly possible. That's, that's what crosses my mind. I know

00:45:01.920 his question isn't about the, the wife, right? But there's a little bit of spirit in the same thing,

00:45:10.660 right? Yep. I have a son. Oh, go ahead. I was going to say, I do think he mentions in there

00:45:16.600 somewhere that he also, you know, if he, if he focuses on making money and I'm paraphrasing now,

00:45:22.380 then has he also prioritized the wife and son and not lose that connection that they're good now.

00:45:27.680 So I think you're, you're spot on there. Yeah. And that's where we over communicate, right?

00:45:32.700 Hey, there's times and seasons. And so you say, Hey babe, right? I have to get us or me out of this

00:45:40.880 pickle. I need to get to better financial stability. I have a dream. It's going to come out of price

00:45:48.340 and you enroll them, enlist them. If you want to use that term about what you're doing and where

00:45:55.260 you're going to go and how you're going to achieve it and you make it clear. So then that way they

00:46:01.040 don't get sideways when you're busting your butt instead, hopefully is they see what you're doing. 0.64

00:46:07.140 They respect what you're doing. They respect the sacrifice, right? And they'll support you in it,

00:46:12.540 but you have to enroll them into the plan. Yeah. While you're talking, I think prioritize and

00:46:20.120 communicate, right? The priority is you, and you said it, can I make more money? Can I, cause you're

00:46:25.460 not getting that, that job that that's for lack of a better word, more stable with the pension and

00:46:30.060 the retirement and all that without the vehicle, right? From what I'm hearing him say is right now,

00:46:34.960 the only job he can find is stuck in a corner, right? With a bike ride. And that's not a career,

00:46:40.280 right? It's, it's just a job, but to get a career, he needs to, so prioritize, right? Some budgeting,

00:46:45.500 some, and then, but I think the huge part of what you said is the communication, right? Like, Hey,

00:46:50.800 family, you know, girlfriend, wife, whatever it is, son, and depending on the age,

00:46:55.960 the conversation has to be age appropriate, but this is the, this is the season I'm in right now.

00:47:00.720 This is what I'm doing to come through that season. And I just need you to kind of, for lack of

00:47:06.300 better, bear with me or, or, or walk beside me in this so that to use date that Dave Ramsey saying,

00:47:12.460 we can live like no other so we can live like no other. Right. And when you're communicating that

00:47:17.060 and saying, Hey, look, here's, this is, this is everything, right? When, when we're struggling and

00:47:20.880 as, as leaders and fathers and husbands is okay, it's okay to struggle, right? We're back, back to

00:47:26.500 this same kind of theme, but here's my plan. And here's how we're all going to benefit when we

00:47:32.160 follow through with this plan. Like to your point, like engage them in the plan, right? Make them part of

00:47:37.980 the plan, make them see that. Yeah. As, as the son or the mother or the wife, I need to sacrifice

00:47:44.380 some of my time that I would like to spend with, with, with, with him so that down the road we can,

00:47:50.940 we can spend time together, you know, so I'm not working until the day I die. Right. He's looking

00:47:54.560 for, he's, he mentions a retirement plan. Like, so part of that is, Hey, I want to spend, I want to

00:47:58.560 have our golden years together for me to do that. I need to do this now. And it's that good

00:48:03.820 communication. I love it, Travis. Like, I don't know. I just felt like saying this, right? Like

00:48:10.720 that's heavy, you know? I, and I, I relate to that. I I'd been there, um, that you got it, man.

00:48:18.840 You just gotta, you gotta, you gotta swallow that the tough swallow of your current circumstance. It

00:48:25.460 yep. You're in it. Like this is tough situation. So plan the work, work the plan, figure out what's

00:48:32.600 the strategy and act on it. Right. And you got it. Yeah. And it's like that growth you talked about

00:48:38.080 earlier in the beginning of the call, right? That, that reframe this into an opportunity for growth

00:48:43.400 because that's what it is. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. All right. We got two more questions from

00:48:49.040 the, from the Facebook order man, Facebook group. I think the, this first one we kind of answered,

00:48:53.120 but we'll see if you, if we, with Levi's question, but we'll see if you have anything else to add.

00:48:56.820 Mike Gentry Cole asked, what does emotional maturity look like for a man and how can I develop it?

00:49:00.760 I think we kind of answered that with Levi. Did you have anything else you wanted to add to it?

00:49:04.220 Yeah. I mean, one, one thought just crosses my mind. This is such a great topic, right? Like we

00:49:08.520 could talk about this forever. Right. Because like, what, what is that? Right. Emotional maturity,

00:49:15.380 emotional maturity. Most of it is an understanding of what it means to be human.

00:49:23.220 That's it, man. Right. Great leadership. It's funny. I, I hate, I hate most

00:49:30.640 leadership training. I hate most of it. And the reason why is because they address on these tactical

00:49:38.400 hacks of leadership. They're hacks. They're all hacks. They're all forms of lies and manipulation,

00:49:46.760 right? It's like even emotional maturity. We'll talk about, well, how do I, how do I manipulate

00:49:51.980 how people respond? Dude, stop. See people's people. Love people. Don't be as judgmental.

00:50:02.980 Check your ego and realize most people are trying to do great work and they care about what people

00:50:09.560 think and they want to feel seen, heard and trusted and loved. There's, there's emotional maturity for

00:50:17.060 you. Like it's really just to the grassroots of dealing with humanity. And if, if, if you get any

00:50:24.060 counsel that's different than what I just said, then they're just tools of manipulation and shame

00:50:30.540 on you for using them against other people. Yeah. Yeah. Again, it boils down to being authentic,

00:50:37.500 right? Be authentic and understand that. It's amazing what happens when you just love people.

00:50:41.500 Yeah. And understand that, that we all experience the gamut of emotions, right? And to think that we

00:50:48.620 don't, and it's, it's not so much do we experience them. It's how we, how we respond to them, how we

00:50:53.520 express them. Um, so when you're authentic, I mean, it's almost, it's one of those simple, not easy,

00:50:59.020 but when you're authentic, all this stuff kind of just falls into place and, and you're like, oh,

00:51:03.480 wow, this is, this is, this is when you figure it out, it's like, oh, it really is this easy.

00:51:08.060 Yeah. Yeah. And it's, and it's not as exhausting, right? It's exhausting. There's so, it's so much

00:51:16.320 energy to maintain the persona. Like I even heard it this morning, like, oh, I got this new job and

00:51:22.640 I'm worried about like, if this group thinks I'm as good as I, oh my gosh, just let it go. Just like,

00:51:30.120 guys, I'm new to this. I don't know what I'm doing. Like, help me learn. Right.

00:51:33.820 Like it's a growth mindset games. Yeah. Like it's a growth mindset and it will hit, it will stop you

00:51:42.280 from growing. It will, man. If you are so wrapped up on what people think and, and the attempt of

00:51:47.860 looking good, you will not learn. Yeah. You will not learn in that state and it's exhausting while

00:51:53.880 you're at it. Yeah. Cause you just let it go. Yeah. Cause you're not focused on learning. You're

00:51:57.960 focused on, on pretend it's that guy that, that, you know, when you're, when you're trying to teach a

00:52:01.780 guy and this drives me crazy. I know, I know, I know. Yeah. This is what I've done. Yeah. It's

00:52:07.560 like, if you knew I wouldn't be talking to you, you would already be doing it. And I wouldn't be

00:52:11.160 telling you, you need to do this. Right. Like, yeah. So it's just having that open mind and

00:52:15.200 having that growth mindset. Love it. Yeah. All right. Last question. Tyler Smith. I'm geographically

00:52:21.040 separated from my wife and two kids, 14 and 11 years old for the next four months from military

00:52:25.720 training. Already been gone for four and a half months too. What are some ideas to stay connected

00:52:30.340 with them while way? Also, what are your thoughts on me reintegrating into the household when I get

00:52:34.580 back after they've learned to live without me around? Yeah. That's the last question. It's a

00:52:40.280 good one. Okay. So what's first about ideas to stay connected, be fun. Like, so here's a just random

00:52:48.340 ideas that are just coming to mind for whatever reason. At one point I, I send pictures to my daughter

00:52:53.300 sometimes of, uh, my oldest son does sign language. Right. And so I always use this. I love you thing.

00:52:59.420 Right. And, and also I'll send him a picture. And one time I had a, anybody watching YouTube, I'm,

00:53:05.060 I'm signing and my index finger looks like I'm picking my nose and it was an accident actually.

00:53:10.640 And I did that. And my daughter replies with her finger up her nose doing the sign back. Right.

00:53:16.080 Now it's a thing. And so whenever we're doing something, I'll be like in a scenario and I'm like

00:53:21.260 picking my nose saying, I love you. And it's funny. Right. Another idea is, I don't know,

00:53:29.240 get a silly little troll or a little bear, like when those little miniature Jesus is

00:53:34.580 and take pictures all the time of like little Jesus in a weird spot and send it to your kids

00:53:40.060 to be funny. Right. Like look for these little nuances and almost like a game between you and them

00:53:47.800 about what's going on. Right. 11 and 14, they're old enough to borrow mom's phone and, or they

00:53:53.860 probably already have phones. So figure out a way to send them silly things. So they're enticed to do

00:54:03.020 the same back to you. And I would just double down on that as much as humanly possible. FaceTime

00:54:09.440 family pairs together at night, even though you're remote, if you can do that, check-ins, text messages,

00:54:16.980 funny memes. I mean, my daughters have taken like a picture of me being funny and they turn it into a

00:54:24.340 gif. I didn't even know you could do that. And so I have this little dancing kip gif that they put

00:54:29.600 on stuff. You know what I mean? Just to, to be silly, just figure out how to be silly with them.

00:54:34.980 Right. And, and maybe it's a, here's my daily check-in recorded video and then send them the video.

00:54:40.420 So they see your face and that you're thinking about them. And so the amazing part, Tyler, we have

00:54:46.120 so much tech, man, I don't think this is, it could, this could be any easier than it's ever been in the

00:54:53.240 history of mankind. Right. Whether it's zoom calls, FaceTime, text messages, funny videos, there's lots

00:55:00.960 that we can do. Right. The other thing is like, maybe come up with a challenge. Hey guys, why I'm gone.

00:55:08.080 Let's do a challenge together. What's something you're doing? Like, I don't know, maybe we all

00:55:13.640 playing together or we're doing pushups or I don't know, come up with something though, like a challenge

00:55:18.320 that you guys can work on together and then give updates to each other. And then let me jump to this

00:55:23.900 question, Jay, and I'll, I'll pass it on over to you here. Reintegration, the integration with

00:55:29.820 reintegration with the kids is not going to be an issue. It's the reintegration with mom. 0.87

00:55:33.480 If you're not mindful, you're going to bring more burden when you get back, right? You're going to

00:55:42.000 disrupt things. You're not going to put your crap away. You're going to disrupt the schedule. If

00:55:47.420 your wife is highly structured it, so work with her. And I would literally ask about this. Hey, 0.83

00:55:54.100 honey, I've been gone for a while. What's a really great way for when I come back that I'm not disruptive

00:55:59.240 to anything? Well, what's the immediate things that would be really valuable to you when I start?

00:56:05.260 Like, can I jump in? And I would ask, can I jump in and I'm responsible to get kids ready for bed

00:56:11.580 every night? Can I do that? Would you mind if I did that? But talk with her about it. Cause if you just

00:56:17.000 jump into it, then she's going to see that you're like stomping on her ground. You know what I mean?

00:56:21.380 And kind of disrupting her plans. So I would just over communicate with mom around what would be ideal

00:56:27.500 for her. Yeah. A couple of things, a couple of thoughts, you know, I'm with you with the

00:56:32.960 consistency of like the communication, right? With, with staying engaged. It's so easy, easy in this

00:56:38.680 day and age. Um, my daughters are not quite the same situation. They're in college now they're

00:56:43.080 freshmen in college, so they're away, but they come home on the weekends. So I see them, you know,

00:56:46.880 on the weekends pretty, pretty often, but the way I stay connected during the week is since they were

00:56:51.720 born, uh, I've been telling, I tell all my kids, you know, I have this little kind of good night

00:56:56.400 saying good night. I love you. I believe in you. You have greatness within you. No nonsense. Got it.

00:56:59.880 They respond. Got it. So my girls are in college, 18 years old. I'm sending them that text every

00:57:04.120 night. And there's nights that, that, you know, maybe I fall asleep and I forget to, and I wake

00:57:07.360 up and I'm like, Ooh, you know, but it's a way to stick. And then in the morning, I also would tell

00:57:11.720 my kids when they were in high school and elementary school before they, as they walk out the door,

00:57:15.360 be awesome today. So I'm sending that text, be awesome today to my, to my daughters. Right. And they

00:57:19.800 just, you know, I will. Right. So it's just a way for us to stay connected during the week. Um, and to your

00:57:24.200 point of the challenge, um, you know, I'm, I got this marathon coming up in, in, uh, about a week

00:57:29.640 and a half. And, uh, I was trying to recruit my oldest son to run it with me. My middle son was

00:57:34.240 supposed to run it with me. He hurt his foot, tore some ligaments in his foot training. So now he

00:57:38.040 can't run it. So I was trying to recruit my oldest son, but for it, I realized we were also connecting

00:57:43.120 way more. Like he's not in the house anymore either. And by the way I was trying to recruit him is I

00:57:47.700 would send him my training every day for like the last six months. We had more conversation in the last six

00:57:52.040 months, whether he was training or not. In the beginning he would try, you know, he's, but, but my

00:57:57.480 point is, is that like that challenge of training for the marathon and even, even him now he's not

00:58:04.220 training for it. He's not going to run it with me, but we're still having conversations on my training.

00:58:07.340 Like, Oh wow, your pace got better. Oh, pace was a little slow today. Were you hurting today? How do you

00:58:11.140 feel? Right. So there's a connection there that, that we didn't, didn't have before. Um, so that's

00:58:16.440 powerful. And then as far as the reintegrating, you hit the nail on that ease into it. Right. I think of

00:58:21.060 myself as the assistant coach now at this college wrestling team, right? If I come in

00:58:25.780 and I was the head, I was a head coach at the high school though. All right. But if I come in and like

00:58:31.620 not this, this, and this, the guy, the head coach would be like, who the hell is this guy? I have my

00:58:36.960 system, right? Your wife has her system. She's been operating for over a half a year without you. 1.00

00:58:41.960 Right. So to come in and now try and maybe, maybe, you know, Tyler's in the military. He's got this

00:58:46.080 really structured, disciplined way of thing. Just ease yourself into it and then have those

00:58:50.020 conversations. Hey, you know, can we, before I left, we used to do things this way, right? We

00:58:54.440 had a consistent dinner time, whatever it is. Can we get back to that 6 PM dinner time? And here's

00:58:58.720 how I'm going to help get back to that instead of just coming in and start barking orders, right?

00:59:02.580 This, um, so just ease into it and, and, and communicate. Yeah. I love it, man. All right,

00:59:08.360 cool. Awesome. We got through all the questions. Look at us. Yeah. How about that? Hopefully we,

00:59:13.300 hopefully we add some value. Yeah. I mean, worst case we threw in some Ryan isms. So at least you guys 1.00

00:59:19.220 got some of those from us. Um, you know, a couple of call outs. I mean, we, we talked about the iron

00:59:23.900 council. You, Jay, you mentioned it earlier. It's open, right? We used to only open it for

00:59:28.480 enrollment at the beginning of each quarter. We're not doing that anymore. So you can join the iron

00:59:33.920 council whenever you want. You get assigned a kind of a guide and a coach that will help you through

00:59:39.420 the onboarding process to get on a battle team as quickly as possible. So if you're interested in

00:59:44.920 joining us, go to order man.com slash iron council and another typical call out, you know, follow

00:59:50.780 Mickler on Instagram and X at Ryan Mickler. Uh, and then we have the Facebook group, facebook.com

00:59:57.280 slash group slash order man. The key thing is, um, you know, if you're listening to this, obviously

01:00:03.200 you're supporting us, but hopefully you're bought into the mission of what this is. Is this about?

01:00:09.660 This is not, it goes back to what we said earlier, Jay. It's not just about us that that's plain

01:00:17.540 small, right? This is, this is bigger than just us. This is about our families. This is about our

01:00:23.520 kids. This is about our spouses. This is about one another, right? And so band with us, um, help us,

01:00:31.040 um, perpetuate and to progress the movement around what we're trying to do. Um, and as always,

01:00:36.840 you know, all the, all the resources are available at order of man.com, you know, whether it's

01:00:41.700 newsletters and iron council. Oh, I almost forgot one last thing. You know, we have, um, an in-person

01:00:47.900 event in Southern Utah called the uprising. I've been to the uprising a number of times, Jay, you've

01:00:52.940 been to it a number of times. In my opinion, it's the best events that we ever put on our, our

01:00:58.820 uprisings. I, they're just kind of special to me for whatever reason. Um, but to learn more about

01:01:05.300 the uprising and what that entails, uh, go to order man.com slash uprising, uh, to learn more.

01:01:12.100 Um, anything else, Jay, from you? No, I just, I'm going to, I'm going to add it to the upright.

01:01:16.500 Your thought on the uprising is the great thing about the uprising is there it's an intimate

01:01:19.520 event, right? It's, it's like 24 guys. Um, the other events, you know, whether it was the main event

01:01:24.480 back in the day, the men's forge event, those are big events and they're not as intimate. These are 24

01:01:28.780 guys you're getting nose to nose, toes to toes, shoulders to shoulders. So if you like the things

01:01:34.000 you're hearing through Ryan and the order of man and the iron council, like this is event,

01:01:38.160 if you can make this event, it's, it's one of the most powerful ones. So I just want to reiterate

01:01:42.060 that. And, uh, listen, brother, always appreciate what you have to say. You always, you always give

01:01:46.780 me very, uh, a lot to think about. So always appreciate having conversations with you and,

01:01:51.760 uh, glad we got to do this. Yeah, I appreciate it. And gentlemen, um, until Friday filled notes

01:01:58.020 with Mr. Mickler, take action and become the man that you were meant to be. Thank you for listening

01:02:04.400 to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you

01:02:09.440 were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.

Order of Man - October 22, 2025

Strength Through Service： Finding Purpose Beyond Yourself ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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