Tactical Communication, Advice for First-Time Fathers, and Why You Should Stop Talking About Yourself ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING
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Summary
In this episode, we discuss how to have a serious conversation with someone that doesn't know how to talk to you, and how to guide a conversation when they don't want to be talked to. We also discuss the importance of being a man of action.
Transcript
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You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.
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When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.
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You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong.
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This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become.
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At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.
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Kip, what's up man? Great to see you. Looks like you got the Order of Man uniform on today.
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We are matching black shirt, black hats. This is how we roll.
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Yeah, it was good today. Actually, literally, I wore this shirt at the gym and I had like three guys like,
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that's a sweet shirt. Is that an apparel line? I'm like, yeah, it is. And it's a podcast.
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I'm like, what? And then I actually screwed up my entire morning because I ended up talking about Order of Man,
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the podcast for about 30 minutes, messed up my workout, got home late. It's really all your fault.
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Sounds like it was a better day than it could have been otherwise because you wore that shirt to me.
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Well, cool, man. Should we get into questions for today? Because we're on a tight timeline and I want
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to make sure we can get through as many as we can. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. So we're fielding questions
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today from the Facebook to join us on Facebook and our group there. Go to facebook.com slash group
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slash Order of Man. Also, the guys need to be aware we're opening up the Iron Council on the 15th.
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So that's Thursday, I believe. So we're opening that up.
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Yeah, Thursday. And that will be only open for roughly about two weeks. So if you guys are on
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the fence, you need to execute because it's going to close after those two weeks and you're going to
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have to wait until actually after the later this year. Right. That's right. We're looking at fourth
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quarter at this moment. Yeah, it'll be the end of December. Cool. All right. Let's get into some
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questions. All right. First question, Mike Collins, how do you lead and guide a conversation,
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whether it's like your wife or other individuals that doesn't have the capacity to have a serious
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conversation without running from them? So like, how do you have a serious conversation with someone
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that has a tendency to run from them? It sounds like. Yeah, I have people in my life who don't like
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having conversations, especially as they're serious conversations. I personally process my
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thoughts and what I'm going through by talking. So having these conversations has never been a
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difficult thing for me. But when you have somebody who processes things internally versus externally,
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like I do, that can be a bit of a challenge for sure. And it can be frustrating. And here's the
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thing I've noticed. As frustrating as it is for me, it's frustrating for the other party too. And we
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have to remember that. I think that's one of the things that I really strive to remember. And I
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haven't always been great at this. And I'm still not great at this, is that if I'm frustrated about
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the communication between me and the other party, the other party's just as frustrated about it.
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Because if I'm pushing to have a conversation and that party doesn't want to,
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then they're not getting their way. Or you're dictating the conversation maybe.
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Yeah. Right. You're manipulating, forcing, coercing. If they're not talking and I'm not
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able to talk, then I'm not getting my way. This is a challenge. A couple of things that I've used
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that have worked in the past is number one, think about how you respond when you're having
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conversations. If you've trained people to hate talking to you, then don't be surprised that they
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don't talk to you. And I'm really good at making people not enjoy talking with me because I dominate
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conversations. I interject my own opinion. It is, I know. I interject my own opinions and thoughts when
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they're not wanted or needed. I, I correct, you know, even, even if it's unsolicited feedback,
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I might even get upset and resort to bullying tactics. So we train people the way they communicate
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with us. And some of us, myself included, train people not to communicate with us. So that's number
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one. Think about the way now, if, if your spouse, I think he said in this case, if she does open up
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in some way to you, then be very aware of what you're doing and what you're saying so that next
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time she'll open up maybe just a bit more or she'll close, not close up what you do. Yeah. Based upon
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how you reacted. Yeah. Right. So that's one. Uh, number two, another thing I've noticed for people
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who don't want to communicate about these types of things because they process internally is give them
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some time, you know, for me, I'm very intuitive. Uh, I'm, I'm a pretty good speaker. I'm fairly well
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spoken. I can articulate my thoughts fairly well because what's wrong. You got something wrong with
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your, your milk there or something. So I went to go drink it and I had the lid on. That's how my
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morning's going. I'm all, it's not coming out moron. So I'm pretty intuitive and pretty in tune with the
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way I'm feeling about things. That's my personality. So I will talk anytime, any day, any night,
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whatever, at any moment I will talk, you know, that, um, yep. But other people aren't like that.
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Not everybody's like that. So sometimes it's giving them time to brace themselves or prepare
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themselves mentally or emotionally. So it might be, Hey Kip, I would like to talk to you about X, Y,
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and Z when's a good time for you. And then, then it's on your terms. You're like, Hey, I can't do
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it today for whatever reason. And your reason doesn't matter. Maybe it's your reason might be
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you're just busy or it might be, you don't want to have that conversation today. So you might say,
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Hey, I can't today, but Wednesday at noon would be really good. Cool. Then you're letting it be on
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their terms and they're going to be more open and receptive. Another thing that's been helpful
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is letting people know what you want to talk about so they can process it before you talk about it.
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Because I've noticed with people who process things internally, um, they, they don't want to
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be caught and stuck in the moment. So if you could, if, if you could go to that person, again, this could
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apply to a spouse or a colleague or coworker, whoever, and say, Hey, I would like to talk with you about
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some things. These are the three or four things I wanted to go through with you and just hear some
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just minor concerns that I have. And just some thoughts that I have about it. I wanted to share
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that with you, but when's a good time to talk with you now they can start processing what you're going
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to go through. They can start thinking about their thoughts. I've even written notes or letters about
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my feelings or something I want to express. And I've given this to somebody or an email, given this to
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somebody that way they could process it. They could process it all. And then two days down the road,
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when we talk about it, it's like, okay, cool. Like, here's what I want. Here's what he said.
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Here's what I think about it. And now we can have a more productive conversation than somebody
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feeling. Cause look, if you, if they feel like they're backed into a corner, it's just not going
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to go well. It never does. It never does. So I would say, realize that not everybody's like you.
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They don't process things the way you probably do based on your question and consider how you
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condition them to communicate with you. And then also give them time to process before. Like, so
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it doesn't feel like you're springing something and are attacking them, which you're not, but for
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high achievers, it could, it could really be misinterpreted that way.
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Totally. Totally. I actually have an example. And I think, I think this example falls into a few of the
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recommendations that you gave Ryan. And so maybe it might help Mike a little bit just to share this.
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So I had a conversation that I would put in the category of an uncomfortable conversation.
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Like at least that's how I was feeling coming into it. It was kind of something that I didn't
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want to do. I felt like, Oh man, like, but it needs to be had, you know what I mean? So there's a level
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of uncomfort on my part. Back to your point. Thus, I could probably suggest that they were equally
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uncomfortable about having this conversation. And the approach that I took is kind of took the
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seriousness out of it. Not that I like approached the conversation from a joking perspective,
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but I really like try not to stonewall or bulldoze anything. And I really left it as an open mic of,
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Hey, I wanted to share something that's on my mind. I don't know the solution. And of course,
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I'm not trying to coerce you into changing anything that you're doing. Right? Like I,
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I don't want to take away, I didn't use these terms, but I was expressing that I'm not going
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to take away their freedom, right? Their, their freedom to do what they want. I might have some
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requests of them, but it's their call. But I wanted to let them know how I'm perceiving a current
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situation and, and see what they would like to do with it. Or we could discuss what is best for both
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of us moving forward. And then that way it wasn't really threatening. It wasn't like, Hey,
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something's wrong. You're wrong or whatever. It was really just me expressing the current
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circumstance and how I'm perceiving things. And then letting them decide ultimately like how they
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would want to handle it. And I, and I really try to eliminate as much as possible in the language
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that I use that I'm not right. They're not wrong. It's not any of that. It's just me expressing
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a percent, a perspective that I had on situation. And, and I tied it to making sure that I was
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having some empathy because I wanted to get this on their radar because I didn't want them to go
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down a path that would cause discomfort for them in the future, you know, because I'm, we may not
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have alignment. So I wanted to let you know what my strategy is moving forward. So then that way you're
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not wasting your time or you don't get frustrated later on. And so it was really from a position of
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caring that I had the conversation and I tried to eliminate any form of judgment.
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I liked it. I would just throw one caveat into this. And you said it comes from the position of
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care. Guys, we actually have to care. This is not a tactic. It has to be genuine. Yeah.
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Right. It's like, well, you know, I care about, and so you say all these clever words,
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I've got a silver tongue. I can talk my way into and out of anything. And, and so I can use a lot of
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these tactics and I have not for good, but to manipulate other people. So you actually have to
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care that actually leads into the other point that I wanted to make. In addition to what you just said
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is sometimes just asking good, solid questions is enough. And again, it's not to lead. You're not
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asking to lead them to a place you want to go late or whatever, right? You're asking them because you
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care about the answer to the question that you're asking. So let's not, let's not be too strategic
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about this or too, let's not be too tactical about it. Just totally care about people, ask good
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questions, think about how you've conditioned them to respond and pay them the respect to not spring
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things on them. Especially if you look, I have so much room to go in this department, but that that's
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been helpful as I've implemented it. Well, what's great, Ryan, just to, to put weight to what you
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said. Originally it was tactic, right? When I thought about it, I thought, Oh, well, you know,
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what angle? And then I, it forced me to get present. I was like, no, actually what's, what is
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caring? Like I really got present to caring. And then the conversation wasn't hard anymore. Like I
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actually leading up to that call, I wasn't stressed out at all because I really thought about how do I
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approach this from an area of empathy and having an outward mindset. And then it wasn't uncomfortable
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because then it was rooted from the right place. And so I would challenge us that too. And I even
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said this to some of my team members, you know, if, if you're about to have a conversation with an
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employee and you feel uncomfortable, there's a high probability that you're placing judgment and
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you're not taking extreme ownership. And there's a lack of empathy. If you're not stressed out about it,
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you're probably approaching it correctly. And so, but my point being is I was able to get myself in
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that mindset and have the conversation to your point correctly, even though originally it was,
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it was a little bit about manipulation and judgment and lack of empathy. But once I really
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dived into it, I wasn't having a hard time having the phone call once it started because I got my mind
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right. And you had that care for other people. Yeah. Cool. Yeah. All right. What's next?
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And I just really just made that all up. So I don't sound bad. I'm just joking. I promise it was
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genuine. If you have to say, I promise it's I'm genuine. You're not genuine. Yeah. Yeah. Fair
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enough. Okay. Uh, Aaron, uh, Jambly, what advice and insights would you guys give to a soon to be
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father? Is there anything you would have done differently as a new dad looking back?
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Uh, yeah, there's things I would have done as a new dad looking back. I would have been way more
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supportive to my wife. I kind of feel like I took a hands-off approach when, when the kids were
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younger and I would be like, well, there's nothing I can do about it. And you know, I can't breastfeed
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so kids nursing. And so, um, and it really wasn't until my kids got older that I actually started to
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get more involved, like physically, mentally, emotionally with them. And I think that's pretty
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typical for men. Uh, but yeah, if I were to do it all over again, yeah, I would have been way more
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supportive to my wife. I would have, um, been more empathetic to what she was going through.
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I would have made some more sacrifices on my part, probably would have scaled back, uh, work to the
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degree that I could, so I could be more present. Um, I would have been way more helpful around the
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house. Um, and yeah, maybe some chores and things around the house or some errands that needed to be run,
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but I would have also made sure that I didn't become another child, like leave my dirty underwear
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laying on the bed, uh, or leaving a mess in the bathroom. Um, you know, maybe I drive her car every
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once in a while and fill up the tank so that she didn't have to stop and go get gas. Like there's
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so many things I would have done differently. And even now I'm thinking like, what are the things I can
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do differently to help support around here? Uh, yeah, I think we just need to be more empathetic and
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get, get away from the, well, you know, it's not really my kid until it's four or five and they
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can throw a football, which is kind of my, was my mentality. And yeah, I really wish I would
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have done that differently. Yeah. It's very easy to, to latch onto this. Well, they're a baby and
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they're so attached to mom. So, you know, it's really easy to throw your hands up in those early
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years. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I'd just be more, there's nothing I would add. I just, I, me too.
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Yeah. Yeah. In fact, you're making me feel bad right now. I was like,
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I was like, we should like the gas thing. I was like, yeah, that's a good idea.
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I didn't even cross my mind. There are so many doing that stuff now, now. I mean,
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there are so many little opportunities. If you just look for a second and look, I've overlooked so
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many opportunities, but, um, my wife, the other day we were outside with some friends and,
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and everybody was over celebrating my daughter's birthday. And there's this little trumpet vine
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that grows up the side of her garage. And I put some trellis on there. So those vines can grow up
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through those trellises. And it, it grown so much. It kind of grew to the top of that trellis. And,
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and my wife said, Oh man, it's like, we need another trellis here. It's growing so long. And
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I want it to keep growing. He's very, very casually, very nonchalant said it. And I,
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it took me 30 minutes, man. Like just 30, 30 minutes. You know, I had, I went downstairs in
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the bar and I'm like, man, I think we still have some extra leftover, cut a piece real quick,
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screwed it onto the wall, wove some in there, killed some of the vines, unfortunately, while I did it,
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but wove it through the thing as like, took me 30 minutes. Like we, we can all do a better job at
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that. I I've, I've really failed in that department. So I'm trying to do better in the,
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and we think sometimes that, Oh, it's not a big deal. Um, or, you know, I I'm, I'm too busy with
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work. I don't have time for this stuff. Well, you know, yeah, you can tell yourself that for sure.
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Or, or another one is, um, the kids had like these little, uh, 360 power bikes and one of the bars was
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bent. And so I just went and I turned it over and I bent the bar back the kid, cause the kids were
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asking me if I would do that, you know, six months ago, a year ago, I probably been like, yeah, yeah,
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I'll do it. And like, never got around to it, but I literally just turned the thing over and bent it
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back into place. It took me 27 seconds. It's like, just do it. Just do it. Yeah. Yeah. I got a,
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I got a little, uh, what's the, like a little razor scooter bike in the garage that my daughter keeps
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reminding me that the batteries need to replace. I think I've told her about six months that I was
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going to fix that. Yeah, man. Either, so either fix it or well, fix it. Cause you said you would,
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but so either fix it or just stop saying you'll do things, you know, like my, my oldest son came to
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me, uh, today and he's like, Hey man, Hey dad, when can we go pick up these RTDs? It's the new protein
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shake from, from origin. Can we go pick these up today? And normally I would say, yeah, yeah, yeah,
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we'll do it. Knowing that I'm busy, knowing that we may or may not get to it. But today I was like,
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Hey bud, like, I don't know if we're going to get to it today. I will try. And if I do,
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it'll be in this timeframe, but I can't make that guarantee, but we'll do it this week because I,
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I want to be an integrity. I want to be honest. Yeah. And if I'm not going to do it or don't think
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I can, or don't have the time it's yeah. It might be disappointing that we can't go do that thing,
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but it's more disappointing to say yes, and then not do it. So those are things I'm working on.
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Yeah. And trust, right. Trust gets affected when we do that as well.
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Completely. Completely. All right. Mr. Paul beam. It's been a while, Paul. Um, I enjoy take, uh,
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taught. I enjoy talking to others. I'm an open book as a business owner. I especially
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have had a hard time stopping when I get to talking about my business. I'm excited.
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How do you regulate how much time you spend in conversations with others?
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Kind of feedback. Yeah. You, you got to look for cues from other people. If the, the typical,
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oh, that's great. Or yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, you start hearing that over and over again. It means
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time to shut up. If they say, Hey, I got to go do this thing, like honor that and respect that they
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have to go do that thing. If you notice their eyes glazing over, in fact, just don't even talk
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about yourself. Just talk about them. No, nobody really cares about what you do.
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Like that's the reality. Nobody cares. Yeah. I don't, I don't know what Paul, what your business
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is. I should know. Cause I think we've been connected for a long time. Um, is so does he
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do men's work as well? I think it was like the tech space was in the tech space and nobody cares.
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Okay. Nobody cares. Like nobody, especially if it's the tech space, nobody cares about men's
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work either. Like when, when people ask me what I do, I say, Oh, we have a men's leadership
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development organization. Like, I don't, unless they ask another question, like, Oh, what do you
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mean? I might explain that, but nobody cares. Cause then there's some interest. Yeah.
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Right. So I, and I don't want to talk about it with somebody that doesn't care because they have
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things to do. I have things to do. So just knock it off. Just stop talking about yourself because
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nobody cares about it anyways. Yeah. Well, and what's interesting about this, Ryan, and I'm sure
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you, you can think of some people that are this way. And, and I love these guys. Like I have these
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guys on my hand. I can actually name them. I won't blast them here. I love being around them.
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They're an amazing people, but they love to talk. And I love the conversation, but because whenever I
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hang out with them, it's never an hour, it's two or three hours. It's we're up all night. It's I'm now
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going to be late to the, whatever the next thing is, because I happen to hang out or go grab lunch with
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them. The next time they call me up and say, Hey Kip, let's go have lunch. I'm a little bit like,
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it's not like they are going to have a hard time respecting my time. And it's, and it's like pain in
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the butt to go engage because it always takes longer, unfortunately. And I have other priorities.
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So kind of, it affects your relationships is ultimately what I'm trying to say is it's not just
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about listening to them, but other people may not want to hang out with you as much, right? If you're
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talking all the time and you're eating up their time and affecting their schedules in a negative
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way. So just kind of realize the impact. I would take issue with one thing you said,
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they're not respecting your time. I would actually flip that on its head and say,
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you're not respecting your own time. So if you have somebody like that, and this flips the question a
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little bit from, from what it was, but if you have a situation like that question, how to deal with
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Paul. Right. Right. So let's address it from this angle. You, you got to prep people ahead of time.
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So, so if it's your buddies, you might say, Hey guys, yeah, I can go out and get wings with you,
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but I got to leave at 10 because I have this thing. And then when 10 rolls around, actually I would do it
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at about nine 45. Hey guys, just so you know, I'm out of here in, in 15 minutes. I'm out of here in 10
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minutes. I'm out of here in five minutes. And then you actually have to leave at the right time.
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We do this with our kids. I noticed if I go to my kids and I say, Hey guys, it's bedtime.
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They're always put up a stink. Well, I don't want to do that. We're not tired. I want to watch the
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rest of this show. I want to, it's like always a fight. But if I go to them and I say, Hey guys,
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bedtime's in a half hour. Yeah. And then when I get, then I do the 10 minute warning and the five
00:22:13.640
minute warning and the two minute warning. And I'm like, Hey, two minutes. And then when it's done,
00:22:18.060
or Hey, at, you know, eight 30, it's bedtime when that clock strikes eight 30, that seems to be
00:22:24.180
better. So not that they don't always not put up a stink still, they still do to a degree,
00:22:29.200
but that works better. So set those boundaries and communications up front. That helps.
00:22:34.200
Yeah. My kids are great from that perspective. Like we can be in, I don't know, play land in
00:22:39.900
Carl's Jr. or whatever. And I'm like, you got 10 minutes. And literally I'm like, all right,
00:22:45.120
it's time to go. They're all like, they go. Yep. Right. It's super nice. But to your point,
00:22:49.840
if I said it's time to go now, it'd be like, no, it doesn't work. Doesn't work. Yeah. All right.
00:22:56.500
Cool. What's next? All right. Greg Fisher. Actually, hold on. One other thing on that.
00:23:00.620
Yeah. So some of you guys might say about that last question about talking about ourselves and what we do
00:23:07.580
that that's rich or ironic coming from us as we're talking about ourselves, uh, the difference is
00:23:14.840
you're, you volunteered to be here and you're asking us questions. Okay. So that I bring that up
00:23:20.040
because if somebody's asking you a question about something, then yeah, sure. Share. Yeah. Right.
00:23:26.420
That's your opportunity or they're asking for feedback. That's your opportunity, but don't overdo it
00:23:31.160
because if you overdo it, then they're never going to ask you again. So look for those cues.
00:23:34.900
Yeah. Well, and, and it goes back to, I have to say, it goes back to what you're saying earlier,
00:23:39.800
right? The best way that I can have a conversation with you, Ryan is me walking away with, man,
00:23:46.120
Ryan was really interested in what I had to say. And I got to talk a lot. Yeah. I think those went
00:23:50.340
well, like the best interviews. And I know this of me, I have to like fight this. The best interviews
00:23:55.640
when I interview a new candidate, I was talking the whole time and I was like, that interview went great.
00:24:00.560
And I thought, wait a second, it only went great because I just ran my mouth the whole time and they
00:24:04.620
nodded. I'm like, damn it. I need to change that, you know, because by natural tendency is I got to
00:24:10.520
share my opinion and they agreed and it makes me feel good. So like be mindful of that. Yeah.
00:24:16.860
All right. Greg Fisher, what tips do you have for guiding teens through social media and social apps
00:24:22.360
when they get pressure from their friends? We are conservative when allowing them to have an
00:24:27.580
accounts, but know that they are growing up in a different world. We grew up in.
00:24:33.880
I'm not really there too much except for my oldest son who's 14. And he, yeah, he's got an
00:24:42.820
Instagram account, but it's not on his phone. It's linked to my Instagram account. So he can pull it up
00:24:48.800
on mom's phone or he can pull it up on my phone. And my wife has actually done a really good job
00:24:54.720
setting boundaries. So he'll, he'll go, I've noticed he'll go to her and say, Hey, can I have
00:24:59.060
my first time on, on, on Instagram? And he'll have his time and he knows what it is. And the boundaries
00:25:05.900
communicated clearly and that's it. He has a phone and my second son, who's almost 11 has, has a phone
00:25:14.320
as well. Um, and he, it's just a, it's called a gab phone. So they can call, they can text as well.
00:25:24.220
Yeah. They can get pictures. They can't get video, but they can receive and send pictures.
00:25:29.260
And then also they don't take phones upstairs at night. They stay charged downstairs and we can pull
00:25:35.600
them up on an app. We can look at them on, on, on the counter. So those are available. Uh, but yeah,
00:25:42.380
outside of that, I mean, people often complain about their kids and technology or it's like, well,
00:25:49.140
how did they get that phone? Well, you bought it for them. Why are they watching so much TV?
00:25:55.540
Because it's your TV and you have all the subscriptions and you've given them access to
00:25:59.020
everything. Like you're the parent. So if you're upset about how your kids are behaving or engaged
00:26:05.100
or what behaviors they're engaged in, ask yourself how they got addicted to those behaviors in the first
00:26:09.560
place. And yeah, they're going to get pressure from their friends. Like, oh, you're not on
00:26:13.340
Snapchat. I don't even know if people use Snapchat, but I think kids still use Snapchat. It's like,
00:26:17.780
oh, you're not on Snapchat. Oh, you need to be there. Oh, this and that. Well, explain to your
00:26:21.920
kids why you don't want them on that. And I don't think social media is, well, it's going to say it's
00:26:27.400
not inherently bad. I actually think it is inherently bad, but it can be used for good. And if you explain
00:26:33.200
to them how to use that tool effectively, then they're going to get it. And also how, how do you
00:26:39.540
behave? Like how often are you on your phone? How often are you on social media? What are you doing
00:26:43.660
on social media when you maybe should be present? That's one thing I've really tried to do. I've,
00:26:47.780
I've been largely off social media for the last month and a half or so. And it's been kind of nice
00:26:53.760
actually. Like I don't, I don't get dragged into bull crap. I don't, I don't like bicker with people
00:26:59.780
that don't know me or I don't know them or argue about things that are unimportant.
00:27:04.940
It's been pretty refreshing. So what behavior are you modeling as well?
00:27:09.660
Yeah. Good call. We're the same. We have gabs. We have the watches for the girls,
00:27:14.160
which they can't even receive photos and they can only text like five people.
00:27:18.520
Right. But as an example, like my daughter, that's 11, she's a little bit in this space where she's like,
00:27:25.640
dad, I, you know, I kind of want a phone, you know, my friends have a phone. I have this kid
00:27:29.520
watch, you know, she's like a little embarrassed because she thinks it looks like a, it's like
00:27:34.280
what the little kids use, you know, kind of thing. But we've been communicating with her for years
00:27:40.300
about, Hey, you're not getting these certain things we're not doing. So it kind of goes back
00:27:45.860
to what you're saying earlier, establishing the boundary boundaries early on, letting our kids
00:27:50.600
know, like, Hey, we're going to go in five for those with younger kids, let your kids know how this
00:27:56.160
is going to play out. Right. Like ahead of time. So they can start kind of processing it, knowing
00:28:01.580
that yet you you're not going to have tick tock period. Right. Like, and, and a guarantee that's
00:28:07.820
how it's going to go in our home. Our daughters will never have that app on their devices. Period.
00:28:12.860
Now they can, when they go to 18 and go to college or whatever, sure. But that's not going to be an
00:28:17.620
option for them. And I'm, they know that already. And one of them is only nine. And she already
00:28:22.260
knows that that's not going to be an option for them. So, you know, communicate ahead of time,
00:28:27.920
give them time to process. Um, that's the only other thing I'd add. Yeah. Cool. Cool. Yeah. I
00:28:34.420
like you has, I'll have you guys like that gab watches or the gab phone. Has that been working
00:28:40.040
well? Yeah. I mean, we don't know any different. That's all we've ever had, but it seems to be
00:28:43.900
working pretty well for the kid. I mean, they can text and talk and call and communicate. Yeah. And
00:28:49.300
you know, maybe they'll put up a stink occasionally that they don't have whatever. They actually don't
00:28:53.220
now that I think of it, they don't really complain that they don't have the thing because it's just
00:28:57.020
the standard and that's just what it is. Yeah. Yeah. I like it. Um, and I also like your guys's
00:29:03.580
phones get charged downstairs. We did that with our older boys, like all devices plugged into the
00:29:09.700
kitchen. We were super inconsistent with it. Hopefully we'll do a better job at these with the younger
00:29:14.860
batch is what we call them. Uh, round two. All right. Uh, sorry. I wasn't prepping the next
00:29:21.880
question. Uh, that's okay. I got, you sucked me into your response so much that I wasn't ready.
00:29:27.900
All right. Chris Moore. I just transitioned to a new job from a well-established company to one that
00:29:33.420
although quite large lacks a lot of foundation structure and process that I'm used to. My hiring
00:29:40.160
manager was moved to a new role the week before I started and, and we have now been folded into
00:29:46.400
even larger parent company. I currently feel very overwhelmed and question my decision of starting
00:29:54.020
this new role, but I do see a lot of potential and opportunity to make my mark any tips or things I can
00:29:59.900
do to navigate the next year in this role. How do I tell if it's time to cut bait and bell if things
00:30:05.960
are not progressing in a positive way? Yeah. I think you're premature on that.
00:30:11.960
I mean, everything that you talked about sounds like a cool opportunity. Well, it sounds like a
00:30:16.520
cool opportunity. You know, you have this company that, that just got folded into another company.
00:30:20.880
So some of that support and stuff might be coming in. That's not there. You might be getting some of
00:30:25.580
that. Um, also there's opportunities for you to assert yourself and say, Hey, you know, here's something
00:30:31.500
that we had at this other organization. And here's what we might do to, to create some, some unity or
00:30:36.960
cohesiveness amongst the team members, whatever. Uh, but there's a lot of opportunities in those gaps.
00:30:41.680
Like you said, Kip. Uh, so I, I wouldn't, I'd be careful of jumping right to, Hey, how do I know when
00:30:47.100
it's time to jump ship? Like there's nothing that I heard you say that makes me think, Oh boy,
00:30:51.280
you're in trouble. I just, and all the stuff that he said is all perceived, right? It's not true.
00:30:57.800
Right. It's like this unstableness is like, well, maybe, maybe not. Right. Like yet to,
00:31:04.200
yeah. And it might just be that you're uncomfortable with something new. Yeah. No,
00:31:09.700
it might, it might be that there actually is systems in place, but they're not your comfortable
00:31:13.980
systems. It'd be like, I don't know, go, go on to do a, let, let, let's say you've been working with
00:31:19.320
a fitness coach and you've been working with him for five years and you're used to his movements.
00:31:25.480
You're used to his workouts. You're used to his programming and his tempo. You're used to all of
00:31:29.380
this stuff. And then you decide for whatever reason, you're going to go over to this other
00:31:33.300
new fitness coach. And now all of a sudden he's got new moves and the tempo and pace is different.
00:31:40.400
And some of the naming of, of the workouts are different and it's not less organized. It's just
00:31:46.980
different. And so it feels chaotic until you start to get your feet under you a little bit. So to your
00:31:53.060
point, is that objectively true? Maybe also, maybe not. So look, just, just go in it with an open
00:32:01.440
mind. See if there actually is a systems in place. See if the way they do things is better. Maybe it's
00:32:06.820
better. Maybe it's not, but I think you can have an open mind about it right now, especially where
00:32:11.020
you're in early stages and you don't really need to ask like, when's the right time to tuck tail?
00:32:15.320
So I think you, I think you'll kind of know, and I just don't think you're there yet.
00:32:21.320
Yeah. Any tips, you know, the kind of the root question was kind of tips to navigate the next
00:32:27.120
year. Maybe not so much bell, but like maybe take advantage of these potential opportunities.
00:32:33.180
Any recommendations there? I mean, first look for them. You know, if you're, if you're already
00:32:37.900
thinking about, wow, when do I bail? You're probably not looking for all the opportunities that are
00:32:42.100
there. There's a lot of little places and all the nooks and crannies that you can look for
00:32:46.260
opportunities to serve or to help or to step up or to create or to add value. So look, look for those
00:32:53.560
things. And then, like I said, just be open-minded to the way they do things. And, and especially when
00:32:59.740
it comes to the merging with another, maybe a parent company, like you had suggested, they may come in
00:33:05.320
and want to clean house and who, who are they going to clean house with? Certainly not the people that
00:33:10.720
are open-minded and adding value and can see that they're ready for something bigger and greater,
00:33:17.420
but they will consider those who are close-minded and have their, their own way of doing things.
00:33:23.500
So be open to that. And then just, just flow. Like Kip, you're really good when it comes to
00:33:27.980
jujitsu of just like flowing, right? You take what somebody gives you and you take it and you run with
00:33:32.680
it. And, and if it closes off, then you abandon it. Like you don't keep with it. Like if,
00:33:37.560
if you and I are rolling and I give up my arm accidentally, you, you grab my arm. If I get
00:33:43.020
it back into a position where it's safe, like you don't hang onto it. You let go of it. You're like,
00:33:47.860
okay, well that means maybe now his leg is open. So I'm going to attack the leg. So just flow,
00:33:54.960
Man. I love that you're training, man. And we can make jujitsu references to everything. It's so
00:34:00.760
great. One thing that comes to mind, you know, it's a new company, right? And, and I, I've done
00:34:07.700
this a couple of times where I'm the new guy and I've been hesitant and very slow to just jump in
00:34:14.460
and go, Whoa, this is broken. I'm going to fix stuff. And, and so there's a little bit of a balance
00:34:20.640
there. One thought I'd have is over communicate that stuff, right? So if you see it, a potential
00:34:27.860
opportunity of a gap or a problem, like, Hey, Ryan, I see this gap in what we're currently doing
00:34:34.720
today. I would love to step in and come up with a potential resolve. You good. If I come up with
00:34:40.540
something or I've given some thought and here's an idea to this gap, that way you can ensure that
00:34:45.600
there's a gap you're not stepping on, like maybe someone's already addressed it, or maybe there's
00:34:50.300
more that you didn't see. So just overly communicate kind of some of your ideas and thoughts
00:34:56.120
that will help get some buy-in, but also make sure that you're not executing on some Island.
00:35:02.460
And then everyone's like, what the hell, man? Like we already have this process and here you are
00:35:05.900
going off on your own thing and not being a team player. So just make sure that you're communicating
00:35:11.540
what you're working on, communicate those steps. And I also want to get credit for it, right? So
00:35:15.920
if I find a gap and I fix a solution, I want to tell Ryan, I fixed that, right? Hey, I took care of
00:35:22.000
this and this is what I'm doing. So I can get some credit from the boss. And he's like, Oh man, thank
00:35:26.020
you. I appreciate that because you may not get credit, right? If you're addressing things. And so
00:35:31.120
make sure you're communicating those as well. The only exception to that Kip is if it's taken to the
00:35:36.540
extreme, you might actually create more problems than you solve. So I can think of this in a
00:35:41.440
couple of different contexts. It might cost more money for you to implement your solution.
00:35:45.720
Well, if we're on a budget that you're not aware of, and you're proposing all these solutions that
00:35:50.280
are going to cost more money, you're just going to piss me off. Now you're a pain in my side. Yeah.
00:35:54.520
Right. Or if you need other assets, whether that's certain technology or other people and move them
00:36:02.120
over to this department to solve problems. Okay. Well, maybe I have those people there for a reason
00:36:06.680
and I can't do what that technology, or I've got my head down as the supervisor or team leader
00:36:12.100
on a specific task. So be observant because the last thing you want to do is create work.
00:36:19.580
I'll give you a very small example of how people do that with me. And while I appreciate the sentiment,
00:36:24.420
I want you to know how it comes across. If you message me, email message, whatever.
00:36:30.100
And you say to me, Hey, Ryan, I really like your movement. I love what you're doing.
00:36:35.520
And I would love to work with you. Is there a way that I can help you?
00:36:40.100
I really, really appreciate the sentiment. That means you care about what we're doing.
00:36:43.960
It means you're engaged with what we're doing. You want to be involved. You think you can add value.
00:36:48.040
I appreciate the sentiment, but it's not my job to try to help you come up with a job for you
00:36:58.420
in our organization. And so what you end up doing is you're actually asking me to do more for you
00:37:05.880
by adding value to your life, but yet you haven't earned the right to ask me for that yet.
00:37:12.820
Does this make sense, Kip, how I'm saying this?
00:37:16.860
A better way to do that, and I've had people do this, is where they recognize a problem
00:37:22.120
and they just begin to solve it. So I'll give you a very small example.
00:37:29.040
Years ago, when I started in my financial planning practice with the digital marketing
00:37:33.840
and the financial planning practice, there was a guy that I wanted to write an article for.
00:37:38.820
And instead of reaching out to him and asking him what kind of article he needed and what kind of this
00:37:44.740
and that and how I could help and what the parameters were, I went in and I saw his typical
00:37:50.180
article length. I was very familiar with him because I'd followed him. So I knew his inside jokes and the
00:37:55.700
things that were quirky about him and unique and different. And I knew what topics he addressed and
00:38:00.700
I knew what his channel and his lane was, but what things he hadn't addressed.
00:38:06.540
And so I just went and I wrote an article. It was probably 1500 words or so, and it was relevant to
00:38:12.400
his audience. And he was big into In-N-Out. It's one of his favorite restaurants.
00:38:16.720
So I remember putting a joke in there about In-N-Out or why Jeff really likes In-N-Out,
00:38:22.320
something like that. And I just sent the article to him. And I said, Hey, Jeff, I really like what
00:38:26.780
you do. I wrote this article for you. I hope it helps. It's enriched for SEO, search engine
00:38:34.020
optimization. And it's written in a style that I think is pretty consistent with your website.
00:38:39.240
He published it immediately, sent me a message back. He's like, wow. He's like, this is amazing.
00:38:44.640
And I can't remember verbatim what he said, but he said something like, you know, you, you really
00:38:49.140
did your research on this. And I'm very impressed with what you did. Well, he was right. I did my
00:38:54.800
research and I put, I did, I, I took work off of his plate and added value. I didn't add work to his
00:39:01.880
plate. So be careful of that as well. And, and I have a, even like, even a more simplistic version of
00:39:07.580
this, you know, even better. Oh, did you want up even better than a better? Yeah. Okay. Let's
00:39:14.360
hear, let's hear yours. Yours is probably better. So let's hear it. Let's let's way more simplistic
00:39:19.540
actually. So I've reported to a bunch of VPs or are on in my career. And I remember the first time
00:39:24.960
I asked for a letter of recommendation. Guess what they said? You write it. Yep. They told me to write
00:39:33.060
the letter of recommendation. Your own letter. You write the letter. Yeah. You write the letter of
00:39:37.500
recommendation. You give it to me. I'll pivot and adjust it. That way. I understand what you want
00:39:42.160
the letter of recommendation and you're not wasting my time. Right. Right. I don't have time to write
00:39:46.720
letters of recommendation. And, and, and now I feel the same way. If someone said, oh, Kip,
00:39:52.580
could you write me a letter? I'm like, I don't have time to do that. You write it up. You give me the
00:39:56.700
key points that you want to make sure I cover. I'll make sure it's in line with my viewpoint.
00:40:01.580
Now you're good to go. I'll give you a, I'll let you in on a little secret.
00:40:05.780
That was a good, that was a good example. It was, it was a great example. I'm going to one up you
00:40:10.380
though, because if you want to be, I'm going to one up you. Yep. It's a great example. I'm going
00:40:16.260
to let you in on a little, a little secret here. You know, all those fancy book blurbs that you read
00:40:21.960
on people's books from other people. Yeah. Very often those are written by the author.
00:40:29.100
Yeah. And the author says, goes to somebody and says, Hey, will you write a blurb or better yet?
00:40:37.000
Here's three that I've written for you in your style, in your tone. Would you, would you endorse
00:40:43.600
the book? And they'll say yes or no. And if they say yes, say, great. Here's three, take one, take
00:40:48.660
all tweak, adjust mess with the word, whatever. And then we'll use it. So very often the book blurbs
00:40:55.280
that you guys are reading from the masculinity manifesto to other New York times, bestselling
00:41:00.980
books that you've read, those blurbs are largely written by authors and signed off by the people
00:41:07.740
who, uh, who are endorsing the book. Yeah. Which is a perfect segue. Do you want to give an update?
00:41:14.520
What is the update on, on your book? So that comes out September 27th. Very excited about that. So
00:41:20.480
that's the next couple of weeks now. We can pre-order, correct? I pre-order on Amazon. So
00:41:24.780
I'm assuming wherever. Okay. Um, you can pre-order there. We'll also have a couple of, uh, signed
00:41:30.260
options available in the store here very shortly with a cool leather bound cover and things like
00:41:35.100
that, that we'll have. So stay tuned for that. Um, but yeah, masculinity manifesto comes out September
00:41:40.140
27th. Let's blow that thing up. That's really what I want to do. Awesome. All right. Do you have
00:41:45.060
one more? Okay. We'll do a rapid fire on this one. Okay. Uh, Esteban Ortiz, what can I do to be
00:41:51.960
an impact amongst the young men in my family? I have a sister-in-law with boys who tend to act
00:41:57.240
out physically and vocally to their moms. Their dads are there, but not there. Would it be wise to
00:42:03.020
try to step in and try to guide these young boys? If so, what would be a recommended way to go about
00:42:08.240
this situation? Thank you. I don't, I don't think it's wise or not wise to step in, but I think if
00:42:14.260
you're part of the family, then sure, you've got a responsibility to do that. And the best thing
00:42:18.060
that you can do is to get them outside of the environment into an environment that they like.
00:42:21.660
So that might be going on a hike or going for a swim or maybe going to the car show or yeah,
00:42:29.340
go grab on an ice cream or take them to jujitsu for the first time. Uh, whatever you're engaged in,
00:42:35.860
get them involved and then you can course correct and help them along the way. So if they're in the car
00:42:41.760
with you and they're back talking, then you should say, Hey guys, that stuff may fly at home,
00:42:47.060
but that doesn't fly with uncle Ryan here. Like we don't talk to each other like that. Oh, and by the
00:42:52.640
way, we don't talk to other family members or other people like that too. The way we talk to them is
00:42:58.100
with your mutual love. Yes. Right. So you course correct because it sounds like they're just not
00:43:03.740
getting it at home. So be the example, get them out of the environment. You set the boundaries,
00:43:09.720
you uphold the boundaries because look, you can say things that maybe mom is not capable or unwilling
00:43:14.800
to say, but then you can also help them have a better way of communicating and engaging with
00:43:21.380
their mother, their family, and the world in general. Yeah. And you're the fun uncle with like
00:43:27.080
zero repercussions. So the probability of them listening to you is actually really high.
00:43:31.800
My nephew, for instance, went to, I don't know, homecoming dance or whatever in high school.
00:43:36.980
And it was funny because there was a family text and they're like, who's this girl? Oh,
00:43:42.320
I thought he was liking another girl. And, and his mom replied to the group text and says,
00:43:46.620
well, he listened to uncle Kip and, and it decided not to be exclusive with any girls because he's too
00:43:53.380
young. Awesome. And then, and then everyone's reply to that is like, well, I've been telling him
00:43:57.500
that for years. He never listens to me. You know what I mean? I'm like the value of being an uncle,
00:44:01.800
right? I get to say things and they may actually listen to me unlike their, unlike mom and dad. So
00:44:07.080
it's, it's, it's kind of a bummer when you're the mom or dad, but so what the objective is being met.
00:44:12.680
That's great. Yeah, totally. All right. Cool, man. So a couple of call to action guys. So you got
00:44:18.160
until Thursday to sign or not until Thursday, iron council opens up this Thursday, sign up,
00:44:25.900
go to order of man.com slash iron council. That's going to be open for two weeks. And then you're
00:44:31.700
joining us starting the fourth quarter, which means that if you don't join in that window,
00:44:37.940
you're waiting until December, AKA starting to the new year. Yeah, that's right. Let's be frank.
00:44:44.180
All of you going to look into the fourth quarter and saying, you know what? Shit. I wasted the last
00:44:48.620
year and I'm going to, and we all, not all of us, but a lot of us have a tendency to review our year,
00:44:54.320
which we should be kind of doing and saying, Hey, we need to get our, our asses in line and do a
00:44:58.760
better job. Start today. There's no tomorrow. There's no next year. There is now. And what a
00:45:07.240
great opportunity for you is to get on the path. Now going into the new year, going into the holiday
00:45:13.300
season on a path of progression and not waiting and, and watching life from the bleachers actually
00:45:21.440
get on the court, join us in the iron council, order of man.com slash iron council. And of course
00:45:26.620
connect with Mr. Mickler on the socials at Ryan Mickler, and you can get our beautiful swag from
00:45:32.700
the order of man store, store.orderofman.com. And of course the book you can pre-order, uh,
00:45:39.340
the book on Amazon. I'm assuming wherever books are sold. Yeah. Barnes and Noble, Amazon,
00:45:44.720
wherever you get your books. It doesn't matter. Okay. Excellent. Cool. All right, guys. Thanks for
00:45:49.340
the good questions. Hopefully we gave you some decent answers and, uh, we will be back on Friday
00:45:53.680
until then go out there, take action and become a man. You are meant to be. Thank you for listening
00:45:58.660
to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you
00:46:03.640
were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.