Order of Man - Taking On Extreme Ownership, Stopping Negative Self-talk, Finding Purpose in Your Work

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart

00:00:04.980 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.

00:00:10.420 You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.220 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.780 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, welcome to another episode of the

00:00:27.940 Ask Me Anything of the Order of Man podcast. You get me today. Unfortunately, Mr. Ryan

00:00:34.740 Mickler will not be able to join us. He's spending some quality time with the family, and so I'm

00:00:40.640 running solo today for today's episode of the AMA. Just for our new listeners, we have an

00:00:47.960 interview show that Ryan does on Tuesdays. Those get released on Tuesdays. We have our typical

00:00:52.680 MMAs on Wednesdays, and then Ryan does his what we call Friday Field Notes, and those episodes

00:01:00.580 come out on Friday. So subscribe, stay tuned, get the latest from the Order of Man movement,

00:01:07.080 and stay connected and share the message in which we're attempting to spread, and really just with

00:01:16.380 the effort to help men become better and to make a lasting impact so we can level up as men in our

00:01:23.140 homes, in our communities, and in our other areas of life. For those that are new, Ask Me Anything,

00:01:30.720 we filled questions from the Facebook group. To join us there, go to facebook.com slash group slash order

00:01:37.180 of man. And then we also filled questions from our exclusive brotherhood, the Iron Council. To learn

00:01:43.640 more about the Iron Council or to join us, go to orderofman.com slash Iron Council. So we're going

00:01:50.080 to dive right into this, and we have some really good questions, and hopefully we'll have some legit

00:01:56.880 responses for you guys, or at least some thoughts for you guys to consider for yourselves as you're

00:02:01.900 internalizing and see what makes sense to you and what works for you. Because in the grand scheme of

00:02:06.780 things, isn't that all what we should be doing anyway? Whether it's news or this podcast or

00:02:10.940 anything else, we should be logically thinking through things and identifying truths and or

00:02:17.720 things in which we can relate to to become ultimately better. And that's what we're attempting

00:02:21.720 to do. So, all right. So our first question, so today's questions primarily are going to come from

00:02:26.260 our Facebook group. Our first question is from Tristan Shinzel. What are your thoughts on the

00:02:31.720 American space programs return to the glory of SpaceX? I am a conservative at heart. So any idea

00:02:40.820 where the federal government is taking over ownership of something, I think that they're

00:02:49.180 going to naturally be less effective than the private sector or the unions or the states within

00:02:56.080 the union. I just think that's the general case. Now, before everyone gets freaked out about this

00:03:00.320 concept, I understand that there's certain things that need to be handled at the federal level.

00:03:04.320 Great. I don't think space exploration is one of those. And so I think this is a brilliant idea.

00:03:10.220 I think SpaceX and other organizations are going to level up. They're going to, it's going to force

00:03:16.520 them to become efficient. It's going to force them to figure out a way to do this in a way that it could

00:03:21.540 be profitable versus free money. And I get that they get government kickbacks at this point, but I really do

00:03:28.040 think that this is just going to heighten and push us forward in space exploration. And I think it's

00:03:35.280 just a really positive thing. And I personally am just, I'm excited. Like when I launched, I saw the

00:03:40.880 last launch of the two astronauts by SpaceX, I was super excited about it. I'm, I'm excited about the

00:03:46.740 idea of commercial flights into like the different layers of the atmosphere. Um, I don't know. I think

00:03:54.280 it's super cool stuff. So, um, but I, you know, I'm not an astronaut, so, but that's, that's my take on it.

00:04:01.220 New ham. All right. Wes Donahue, what is the best way to practice ownership of the mistakes and problems

00:04:07.220 without setting yourself up to be the whipping boy? So Wes, I think the key distinction is that you

00:04:14.600 understand what it means to practice extreme ownership. Extreme ownership is to take responsibility.

00:04:22.260 It's not to necessarily always take the blame. There's a big difference between those two things.

00:04:28.520 So let, let me give you an example. I have a team member that completely dropped a ball on a project.

00:04:36.340 Maybe they, uh, estimated poorly, bad communication with the client, didn't set a clear expectations or

00:04:43.040 whatever. Okay. Whipping boy or blame is that's my fault. What was me? It's not his fault. It's my fault.

00:04:49.180 Well, that doesn't sound like action, right? That's not pivoting. That's not growing. That's

00:04:55.420 not evolving from the circumstance. That's just taking blame. Ownership is evaluating the circumstance

00:05:05.780 and saying, okay, what could I have done in this circumstance to level up in a way to ensure that

00:05:12.000 my team member had the information that he needed to do that more effectively? Does he have the right

00:05:17.940 training? Is the right person on the project? Did I communicate the expectations or does he

00:05:23.860 understand how to set expectations appropriately? And coming out of that scenario, I am pivoting and

00:05:30.140 adjusting in regards to how I show up as a manager. So to mitigate that issue in the future, that's

00:05:38.220 ownership. That's extreme ownership. It's not just, it's my fault. No, no, no. That's not sufficient.

00:05:43.240 Like we, we talk about this even in our council, when we talk about accountability to one another.

00:05:49.080 If a guy, if I'm holding you accountable and you say, Hey, you know, I didn't get that done. And my,

00:05:55.040 and my question to you is why not? Oh, I just need to do it. That's not acceptable.

00:06:01.840 I just need to do it. What are you going to do? What are you going to do different? What are you

00:06:05.560 going to adjust this week to ensure that you're going to accomplish that task that you don't

00:06:09.320 accomplish this week? What are you going to adjust and change and learn to help mitigate that from

00:06:17.940 happening in the future? And I think that is at the root of what it means to take on extreme ownership

00:06:24.420 Kip's version anyway. All right. Hopefully that helps. Next question, Alex Sanchez. What are

00:06:31.500 things, what things would you recommend for energy and focus having trouble sticking to a workout plan

00:06:38.540 and schedule? And what is the best way to present criticism without entering into an argument with

00:06:44.920 a friend or brother? You can't ask two questions, Alex. All right. So let's first address the first

00:06:50.440 one. Energy focus, sticking to a workout plan and the schedule. It's all about prep. So, and we talk

00:06:57.480 about a lot. So my apologies for you guys. You already know what I'm going to say. Let's just use the

00:07:02.040 workout for the, for an example, workout at 6am. How do you ensure that you keep consistent with that?

00:07:07.360 You go to bed earlier. You have your workout clothes already set out. You mitigate the risks

00:07:14.160 of you backing out of the scenario, whether it's, I get up, I don't know what my workout is. Like I

00:07:20.640 used to do this. I'd go to the gym and then like, then plan my workout. So then it caused me to like

00:07:26.780 think and you know, whatever. It's like, no, no, no. I just go to the gym. I know what's going to

00:07:32.500 happen tomorrow. Like it's not even a decision. It's already been established for me. That's why I think a lot

00:07:37.240 of people have success with CrossFit. It's like they show up and they do. There's no brain cycles.

00:07:42.180 There are no thought process of like, what should I do today? What should I do? And what? No, they,

00:07:46.540 they are, have already set. The other thing that they do that actually works out really well

00:07:50.040 is accountability because they're working out with other individuals. They have a team in the iron

00:07:55.520 council. You're on a battle team. Your team holds you accountable. They're aware that you're supposed

00:07:59.960 to be working out daily, right? They're doing a lot of the same tests that you're doing.

00:08:03.560 Same thing on the workout, get a workout buddy, show up at the gym at five. You know,

00:08:08.560 that if he doesn't show up at five or you don't show up, he's there solo, right? That's a big deal.

00:08:13.600 So look at those scenarios by which we can mitigate the risk of us potentially backing out. And I really

00:08:20.560 do think this is going to be different for everybody, right? Some guys maybe have no problem

00:08:24.940 going to the gym in the morning, but they have a problem with something else. So look for those areas

00:08:29.200 of accountability. I think a set schedule is super important. I think the mentality of I'm just so

00:08:36.560 tired in the morning. I think is complete BS because the idea is guess what happens when you're

00:08:42.820 really tired at 6am in the morning, but you keep waking up at 6am in the morning, you start going to

00:08:49.160 bed earlier. That's what you do because you're so damn tired. And so you adjust and you stick with it,

00:08:55.100 right? So I think consistency is super key. I think prep time, uh, before the night before and

00:09:04.140 getting all your things out, having a plan in place, a set time, be unreasonable with yourself,

00:09:10.800 right? Those are some of the greatest times in my life where I had a regiment, like I was training

00:09:17.160 for a marathon and I was not willing to skip a day regardless. And I was unreasonable with myself.

00:09:23.920 If I was at Disneyland and that was a long weekend, guess what? I'm running. It doesn't matter that I'm

00:09:29.920 at Disneyland. So what does that mean? I have to wake up insanely early to get my run in before the

00:09:34.980 family wakes up and we go to the park, be unreasonable. How else? I mean, what a great way to

00:09:41.920 live, right? It's not comfort. It's about commitment to honoring your word. And that is your integrity at

00:09:49.820 play, right? That's your perception of self that is at play when we don't do what we know we should do,

00:09:57.040 or when we don't do what we said we would do, right? That's integrity. So Alex, hopefully that

00:10:03.200 helps you out. Um, and your second question, what best way to present criticism without entertaining,

00:10:08.940 uh, entering into an argument with a friend or a brother. My first question is why do you want to

00:10:13.540 criticize? And, and are they in a position to actually take on criticism? Are they asking for

00:10:19.420 the criticism? Maybe, maybe not. I think better yet. I think before you criticize, and this may not be

00:10:29.260 what you're asking Alex, but you know, it's a food for thought anyway, before you criticize,

00:10:34.140 figure out and understand their point of view. So you can have some empathy and you may come to find

00:10:39.060 out that you don't need to criticize at all and that you don't have all the information. This is

00:10:44.100 one thing I've learned from a business perspective. If, if the owner of the company in which I work

00:10:49.440 with, if he suggests something, my question in him or my, and I don't see it, like we're not seeing eye

00:10:56.300 to eye with him. And I don't like, I'm not understanding. I don't criticize. I don't go, Oh, I

00:11:01.940 disagree, blah, blah, blah. My, my statement I typically say is help me understand so I can get behind

00:11:08.140 this. Help me understand your point of view on this so I can back it because one, I don't want

00:11:13.940 to just be pissed off and not agree and then be covertly undermining him because we disagree on

00:11:22.180 something. Right? So one, I need to get clear on it. Second, I'm not in a position to criticize if I

00:11:28.260 don't have all the evidence and I didn't understand his point of view of why we're possibly doing

00:11:32.280 something. So from your perspective, before you criticize, understand where that person's coming

00:11:37.260 from. So you can fully like comprehend it and, and not understand. So to argue, understand just

00:11:44.600 to understand. And, and it's actually quite beautiful. I find it quite beautiful to be able

00:11:50.700 to have a conversation with someone, have them explain something to me and that's it and go, Oh,

00:11:56.000 got it. I don't have the degree that, but I get it. And, and that's gives us the power to deal with

00:12:03.180 that person, uh, in a more empathetic way, helps us understand their perspective. We can navigate

00:12:10.520 waters more appropriately with them possibly. And then if that person's open for your feedback,

00:12:16.020 great. But I don't know, man, I think the older I get, the more I realized that, um, people don't

00:12:23.740 deal with criticism. People don't deal with arguments, right? Like, I don't know, I hop on social

00:12:28.380 meeting and everyone's like bitching and moaning at each other. It's like, really? Is anyone actually

00:12:32.100 convincing someone else because you have a great argument point? No, because egos are in play and

00:12:37.120 you're not even coming from a position of like trust, right? A great book on the subject is crucial

00:12:42.540 conversations. There needs to be trust in place, right? And if there's trust, then maybe you can

00:12:49.160 have the conversation, but there also needs to be like established, like purpose in regards to what

00:12:54.060 you guys are talking about. So I'd make sure those things are in place and make sure it's a

00:12:57.500 relationship that you can actually provide criticism. And, and then when you provide

00:13:01.940 criticism, I wouldn't say it's criticism. I would actually say an idea, something I'd like you to

00:13:07.960 consider, you know, or, Hey, when I saw you do this, my impression was X, X, X, not, Hey, when you do

00:13:16.820 this, you're an asshole. No, no, no, no. Just so you know, I want to be really clear because I want to

00:13:21.320 provide some input for you when you did this, this, and this for me, I interpreted that as you

00:13:29.520 being a jerk and come across overly aggressive. So just wanted to let you know, I don't know if

00:13:33.440 that's true for anyone else, but that's kind of how I saw it. That is how you would approach that

00:13:38.240 scenario because guess what? That's the truth, right? There's no, Oh, it shouldn't be this way.

00:13:44.060 It shouldn't. No, that's your interpretation, Alex, right? You want to criticize someone because of

00:13:48.100 your interpretation. So express your interpretation and express it in a way that you are owning that

00:13:54.300 it's your interpretation and may not necessarily be truth. That gives them some ammunition and

00:13:58.920 consideration for themselves. So they can consider it for themselves versus you telling them how they

00:14:05.480 are or what they're doing wrong. All right. It's good stuff, Alex. All right. Mike, uh, Gagnon,

00:14:13.400 retraining your brain for positive thinking. And if you think you can actually retrain your

00:14:19.880 subconscious and if so, what hacks have worked for you? Hmm. I, let me just share. And I don't know if

00:14:31.260 I have, no, I mean, I do have some evidence of what has worked for me. So I think the root of this

00:14:38.080 is the book by James Allen called as a man thinketh. Uh, it is, it is one of my favorite books. I've

00:14:46.260 owned like numerous copies of the book because I keep giving copies of the book away. It is, it is one

00:14:52.360 of my favorite books of all time. It has ownership of just thought, but ownership of person of your

00:15:00.060 circumstances. And it's just the power of thought process. Uh, Tim bill, you, or Tom bill, you talks

00:15:07.300 about this quite a bit of kind of rewiring your brain. Jim quick talks about this as well. And,

00:15:13.480 and I think a good exercise, uh, at least for me in the past has been, what am I saying to myself

00:15:19.580 often? And, and it's horrible. Like, it's really horrible. Like I do something wrong or I make a

00:15:27.180 mistake and I have this self-talk that like, you're such an idiot and just super negative. Right. And,

00:15:34.340 and ironically enough is, am I an idiot or, Oh, that was a mistake. Like lessons learned or a good

00:15:40.400 thing. I made that mistake. So then that way I can do better next time. Like really, like, I think

00:15:45.140 it's really important. The type of dialogue that we have within our minds. I think that comes into play,

00:15:51.980 not just on negative self-talk, but also with our relationships. I think sometimes when I've created

00:15:57.480 the biggest rifts in my marriage, it was, it was an event occurred. I had expectation that it,

00:16:05.020 that it was wrong or should have been a certain way. And then I held onto it. I held onto the

00:16:10.580 expectation. Well, it shouldn't be this way. It shouldn't be. And I, and there's tons of internal

00:16:14.460 dialogue of constant, like making a wrong negativity. And I'm just bottling up, but are the thoughts just

00:16:21.820 the same as if I was saying them? Certainly. And, and ironically enough, I may not be complaining to

00:16:28.800 my wife about those things, but she knows I'm complaining because my actions are showing it,

00:16:34.180 right? I'm, I'm, I'm withdrawn. I'm not communicating. I'm angry. I'm not saying the words,

00:16:40.480 but I'm still outwardly like complaining. And, and ironically enough, and this is a little bit of a

00:16:47.060 tangent here. Ironically enough, I think that when we are, when we have disruption and upset in our

00:16:54.440 lives, it's often tied to that we're out of integrity or there's a lack of freedom and expression.

00:17:01.920 And it's amazing how often just communicating your impressions and your thoughts to someone

00:17:11.800 releases that frustration. It's really interesting how that is. So, and, and I, and I can talk about

00:17:20.260 more about strategy around that specifically, because I, I really do think there's a really

00:17:24.920 important way of addressing upsets with someone. I think we typically do it wrong. And I think there's

00:17:30.920 a kind of a question later that kind of might allude to this. So I'll, I'll bring it up later,

00:17:34.340 but, but I think the key thing is listening to our internal dialogue and adjusting. And, and at least

00:17:40.480 for me, Mike, a lot of it has been reading, reading and listening to podcasts. So I'm constantly like

00:17:47.380 hearing these concepts and I'm not letting it go. Right. And I'm reminded to myself that like,

00:17:52.160 Hey, no, that's not how it works. Um, I think other guys have had value with meditation.

00:17:58.120 So that way we're more self-aware, um, of our feelings and our emotions. I think pausing during

00:18:05.040 any type of upset where I'm upset, taking a time out and pausing saying, why am I upset? And, and

00:18:11.880 our default response to that's going to be why I'm upset because of blah, blah, blah, external

00:18:17.000 circumstance. That's not true. That's never true, right? We have the freedom and the choice to be

00:18:23.700 upset based upon how we react or the thoughts that we have, uh, around a circumstance. It's not the

00:18:30.520 circumstance. It's our thought process. So I think it's very mindful to say, okay, when this occurred,

00:18:36.760 it made me upset. Why, why did I interpret it that way? What does it mean about me? Like really deep

00:18:45.600 dive into why you're upset and where that's rooted from. Sometimes, you know, I might be upset over a

00:18:54.280 circumstance and I'm like, Oh, I'm, this really makes me upset. And then I actually realized that I'm

00:18:59.260 projecting a story that I've held onto as a kid from the perspective of a five-year-old. I'm bringing

00:19:06.100 that into my present state of things and saying, Oh, well, when this person does X, X, X, it means

00:19:12.280 this from an immature five-year-old's perspective, because that's, that's a story I've been telling

00:19:17.360 myself that gives me the ammunition to then come to the circumstance and go, okay, I'm not really upset

00:19:24.480 at this individual or this circumstance. I'm actually telling myself this story based upon

00:19:29.400 some poor internal dialogue. That's not true. And then you can mitigate and deal with this situation

00:19:36.100 appropriately and better yet in a relationship, then we can actually apologize for our overreaction

00:19:42.300 and judgment to that individual and actually address the problem more appropriately. Hopefully

00:19:47.780 that made sense, Mike, and hopefully that's beneficial. All right. Tim love is 57 too old

00:19:53.680 to start jujitsu. I work out daily and took martial arts 20 years ago. You already know the answer,

00:19:59.960 man. And in fact, the answer is the same for everything. Am I too old for jujitsu? Am I too

00:20:06.040 old to go skydiving? Am I too old to start a new business? Am I too old to start a new hobby? Am I too

00:20:11.500 old? What? It doesn't matter. No, the answer is always no. Are you too, too old?

00:20:17.020 To live life? No. If you want to do it, do it. Now, of course, the joke is, you know,

00:20:26.320 there's two times to start jujitsu now and a long time ago, right? Of course, I don't think you're

00:20:32.200 too old and I don't, I don't care what it is to be honest with you. Am I too old to power lift? No,

00:20:38.660 be the oldest power lifter on earth. Like don't, don't be reasonable. Oh, I'm too old.

00:20:45.200 That's a story, right? Like awesome. I mean, some of the coolest things I've ever seen is when we

00:20:53.480 have jujitsu tournaments called masters worlds. It's in Vegas and it's all the, it's like an old

00:20:59.100 dude jujitsu tournament. And it is awesome to see old, like elderly men fighting on the mats.

00:21:09.200 It is awesome. And it tells, and I don't care. And to be honest with you, it's even cooler

00:21:14.860 when those old guys are white belts. Cause what does that say about them? They're willing to take

00:21:20.960 on something new at that time in their life to be a beginner, to do something physically challenging

00:21:26.760 when it might be even harder for them because they're older. Awesome. That's inspirational.

00:21:31.940 So I don't think it's too old to do anything. In fact, that's my only, that's my only play for like

00:21:38.300 athleticism is, is I'll just outlast everybody else. And then maybe someday I'll be a decent athlete,

00:21:43.460 but, but honestly, I don't think it's a big deal, Tim. And, and I, and hopefully we can see how this

00:21:49.160 relates to other areas of our lives. I don't think there's such a thing as I'm too old, but too old

00:21:54.160 to live is the way I see it, right? You're saying, am I too old to live? No, you're never too old to

00:21:58.200 live, live life, live in the moment. All right. Steven, uh, Jeven, Jevenali. Sorry, Steven.

00:22:07.520 I work for a large company with many product lines working from home has highlighted what I don't like

00:22:13.480 about my current role and the product. What are some ways to know if it's the role product or company

00:22:19.920 that I need to change? Uh, you know what? I probably, I, I, I hesitated answering this question

00:22:27.020 because I wasn't a hundred percent sure if I had a solid answer for you, but let me, and Steven,

00:22:32.780 maybe this will address it. Maybe it won't, but how's this? And it's really interesting. I know

00:22:39.380 two individuals, I've known multiple individuals that have had the same exact job, say almost same

00:22:44.720 exact company, same exact, exact job. One person, if you talk to them, it was like, this is the worst

00:22:51.580 job on earth. It's miserable. And, uh, I hate it. And I hate the culture. And it was just like,

00:22:57.280 uh, like you, you'd almost like hesitate to hear them talk about it. Cause it was so

00:23:01.820 it sounded so miserable. Right. And they're so negative about it. The other individual,

00:23:07.320 the complete opposite. Oh man, I love this job, the flexibility of time and this and that and

00:23:13.360 whatever. Right. And so I don't know, man, like by default, when I hear this question, I think

00:23:19.000 how much of, of what we dislike about something is our perspective, right? And us looking for the

00:23:29.380 silver lining and the opportunity and bringing energy to the table and making it our own. Right.

00:23:35.120 Um, so I think that's the first recommendation I'd have is be careful to say it's the job or the

00:23:42.020 product or the current role and make sure it's not you. Um, second for me, I, I think the things

00:23:51.460 that from a work perspective that probably drive me more than anything else. And, and so, uh, this

00:23:57.040 is an indirect way of answering your question, Steven, but hopefully you can relate is one. Do I love the

00:24:03.780 work I do? Like, do I enjoy the work or do I get, or do I see the value in the work that I'm doing?

00:24:12.020 And they pay off for it, if that makes sense. So, so I'm a, I'm a technology consultant.

00:24:19.080 I find great joy in being an expert in what I do being brought in with a, by a company and them

00:24:27.440 looking to me for leadership and guidance and direction in regards to how to implement that

00:24:32.400 technology and not just implement the technology to make a lasting change in their organization

00:24:39.400 and improve their effectiveness in regards to how they collaborate and share information.

00:24:46.120 That like pumps me up. And ironically enough, has nothing to do with the technology.

00:24:50.300 It really doesn't like the technology could change. I could, I could switch from product.

00:24:55.860 I could switch from Microsoft stack and specializing in SharePoint and Microsoft teams

00:25:01.060 and office 365. And, and I could probably go over and go with Oracle's NetSuite product and

00:25:06.840 maybe some other stuff. And I would still get the same benefit. And the benefit is being an expert

00:25:12.740 and providing effectiveness to organizations to be, so they can become more effective and share

00:25:18.560 information more effectively and function better as an organization. That's ultimately what I'm

00:25:23.760 accomplishing. And I'm using this toolbox for Microsoft to address that need. Now, could I ramp up on

00:25:30.680 another tech? Yeah, actually I could. So if the tech wasn't addressing the need that I was trying

00:25:36.420 to provide for my clients, then I might abandon the product because that doesn't, it's not in line

00:25:42.220 with me providing a solution to my clients, but if it provides a solution, then it's in line with

00:25:48.000 my goal and my objective of working with our clients appropriately. Right. And then the last thing I

00:25:53.860 I'd say that really drives what I love, what I do is who I work with. You know, one of the things I tell

00:25:59.580 team members sometimes when I hire them is like, if you can control who you work with, and luckily I'm

00:26:07.300 in a position, I can kind of do that. I can control who I work with when we can do that. And I get to

00:26:13.200 choose who I work with. And the people I work with are people that I respect that I love working with

00:26:18.780 that are like, I rub shoulders. Well, we uplift each other and we're better together as a whole.

00:26:24.440 Um, it almost like you can almost deal with all kinds of crappy situations and still love your job.

00:26:31.520 Right. So that culture and the team is just super important to me. Um, but I also get that some of

00:26:37.720 us are in positions where we can't control that. So, um, so I, I, I just, I don't know, I get, I would

00:26:43.280 guess I would get re present to what is it that you love about your job? Does the product assist you

00:26:49.200 in that process to accomplishing that objective and how is the culture and the company in which

00:26:54.680 you're working for Reggie James Clausen, Ryan, I'm currently in search of a companion. And first

00:27:03.080 off, Reggie, sorry, you're going to get my answer instead. Uh, I'm currently in a search of a

00:27:07.540 companion. However, I'm finding the disposable relationship culture to be exhausting. Many have

00:27:15.060 their wall so high and are suffering from previous relationship experiences. Often I feel as though

00:27:21.000 I'm counseling these women, which is fine. If that's why God has brought me into their lives.

00:27:26.480 However, my mission remains the same. First, can you please pray for me? Second, have you found other

00:27:33.240 men faced with this issue and how are they handling it in a loving and respectful way?

00:27:38.700 Okay. So, so first off, I don't know how old you are Reggie. Um, but I have older kids that are in a

00:27:49.180 position where they're like dating, right? And so I will, I will give you my recommendation, uh,

00:27:56.160 that I would give them first is it doesn't matter that the culture is disposable culture because I don't

00:28:05.120 want my son getting married to the first girl that he likes anyway, right? Part of dating and searching

00:28:11.240 of a companion is figuring out what you like, uh, different personality types. And you know,

00:28:18.700 that I don't like a woman that's this way or a woman that, that I thought I would, uh, connect well

00:28:26.840 with, it doesn't connect well with me and whatever. Like this is a great opportunity. Um, the disposable

00:28:34.440 culture might be okay, right? Because this is a testing ground. This is your testing ground

00:28:38.820 to validate what you're looking for in a companion. And it's also a great opportunity for you to create

00:28:47.120 validation of your own value. Like keep that in mind as well, right? You're learning what kind of man

00:28:55.700 you should be, what kind of man women are looking for. You're evaluating. If you want a more domineering

00:29:04.080 wife, if, if you want someone passive or highly intellectual or hobby driven or fitness driven or

00:29:11.580 whatever, right? Like this is a great chance for you to figure that out. And, and I want to be really

00:29:17.480 clear. You're figuring out what works for you from their perspective, but you should also be focusing

00:29:22.860 on building your own self value, uh, and evaluation. So then that way you are building confidence

00:29:33.720 with yourself in regards to women desiring you and wanting to be with you. And I'm not just talking

00:29:42.740 sexual. I'm talking about just you as a personality, but also sexual as well. And so I think this is,

00:29:48.800 I, I, with that said, hopefully you can see this, the disposable culture is, is it that really that

00:29:53.880 big of a deal? If that's your objective? No. So awesome. In fact, it probably makes it a little

00:30:01.000 bit easier that it's a disposable culture because it makes it a little bit easier for you to jump

00:30:05.460 and, and, and, and establish other relationships and have other relationships without like the first

00:30:10.780 girl going, I'm ready to get married. And you're like, no, I'm still figuring stuff out. Right.

00:30:14.540 So, so one, I, I would look at the circumstances being okay. It's okay that it's disposable. Now

00:30:21.560 you've already saw it, right? Like you see some of the possible drawbacks, right? Some people are

00:30:28.900 broken, right? And I shouldn't even say that some people, all people are broken. So, so your question

00:30:35.380 is, is like, Hey, uh, you know, it feels like I'm counseling these people more than not. Okay. Yeah,

00:30:40.820 great. Provides in counseling direction. But I, I would be very clear. And, and in this recommendation,

00:30:47.100 do not marry someone for, um, who you think they will or will become, um, be willing to accept them

00:30:57.200 exactly the way they are now. Not that we shouldn't seek that growth mindset in people, um, and want to

00:31:06.780 be with someone that grows. That's perfect. But if your acceptance of them, um, as a spouse base is

00:31:13.640 based upon something that they're not today, then I wouldn't marry them. Um, they're not in a

00:31:19.620 position. You're not in a position, you know, it's, it's going to be unhealthy. And so, um,

00:31:25.320 what else would I recommend? And, and, and I, and I just can't reiterate the importance of a growth

00:31:32.640 mindset, right? If, if, if an individual doesn't have a growth mindset and they're not willing to

00:31:37.540 evaluate their own thought process, uh, and look to grow and to become better than what is there.

00:31:43.780 If you don't have, if you don't have the concept of growth and, and not just growth, but the ability

00:31:51.340 to forgive and make mistakes and evolve, if that doesn't exist, then we're stagnant. It's a very,

00:31:59.000 it's a very, um, how do I say this? It's a very depressing world, right? And, and not to get

00:32:05.740 religious, but that's the message of like Christ, right? Is an atonement, the ability to like renew,

00:32:13.000 to become new, to become better, right? To evolve past what we are. And, um, I would really make sure

00:32:21.380 that you find a woman that has that mindset because that's pop that, that allows growth to occur. And

00:32:27.060 you're obviously in that same path and, and, and obviously see the value and the importance of

00:32:31.300 that in your own life. So, um, I'd look for the same. So, um, and then, you know, in a, and you

00:32:36.920 said handling it in a loving and respectful way. I, I think it's just, I think honesty is really

00:32:41.600 important. I think we have a tendency not to be honest because it's like, Oh, I don't want to hurt

00:32:44.900 someone's feelings. No, that's not beneficial. That's not loving. That's you being selfish,

00:32:48.400 right? I don't want to feel uncomfortable so I'm not going to tell them blah, blah, blah. That's about

00:32:51.480 you, not them. So I'd be really honest with people and, and let women know that like, you know,

00:32:57.060 yeah, I don't think it's a good fit. Like that's fine, you know, and have some empathy

00:33:00.440 and understand that we're all in our different places. So try not to place too much judgment,

00:33:04.140 but in the same token, uh, it's not your job to save necessarily them by becoming their husband.

00:33:09.980 That's, that's, that's not the objective and that's not going to go well. I don't think

00:33:13.940 Jonathan Bell, what book has the biggest impact on your worldview and opinions of life?

00:33:20.500 Thanks for all you and Kip do in the order of man. Keep up the good work. I mean, Jonathan,

00:33:25.860 um, geez, man, I don't know. Um, you guys have heard me say this so many times, even on solo AMAs,

00:33:37.040 I think in the mission of the iron council and the mission of order of man, um, and the movement

00:33:46.700 that, that this podcast is, I would say the boy crisis is, is at the very center, um, uh, my worldview

00:33:56.340 it's at the center of this issue. And the issue is there is a crisis of young boys. It's tied to

00:34:04.820 fatherless homes. It's tied to social constructs that we have kind of evolved into. Uh, and it is a

00:34:13.280 dilemma. Um, and I hate whenever I'm going to get on tangent. I hate whenever, like, let me say it

00:34:20.700 this way. So I celebrated father's day, right? I made a comment, you know, of the importance of

00:34:27.580 fathers, you know, many comments I immediately get like, well, women, but gosh, like seriously,

00:34:33.560 like just because we say one thing doesn't like dismiss everything else, but in the same breath,

00:34:40.060 let's be very, very clear. There is statistical evidence that proves that if men are outside the

00:34:47.380 home, it creates a major dilemma in our, in our society. That's got to change. It is a problem

00:34:55.820 period. And that is what we do in the iron council. That's why we're focused on men to help men become

00:35:02.480 better fathers, better bosses, better husbands. So we can level up. Now our mom's important. Certainly

00:35:08.860 that's not the mission here. Okay. So I would say the boy crisis is, is super critical for me. I,

00:35:15.700 I, I mentioned this already. Um, as a man thinketh is, is top of my list, extreme ownership from a

00:35:21.800 business perspective. Ryan's book sovereignty is so like, and it's ironic is sovereignty resonated with

00:35:29.640 me when, when we first read it. Um, and it becomes more and more important to me over time. And,

00:35:38.180 and the concept of being a sovereign man, I don't think I really, truly comprehended the importance

00:35:45.820 of that. Um, and I continue that, that importance continues to increase in my mind of how critical

00:35:53.080 your sovereignty is. And I'm talking about your happiness. I'm talking about your, your, um,

00:36:00.540 providing for oneself. Oh man, it's so important. Um, and we could, we should probably do a whole

00:36:06.920 episode on just the importance of sovereignty. And I'm sure, well, I'm, I'm sure we already have,

00:36:11.860 and maybe Ryan should do it some more. So, um, anyhow, Jonathan, hopefully those books are,

00:36:16.420 are, are, are beneficial or at least strike a chord with you. So, all right, next question.

00:36:22.620 Um, Spencer Hancock, uh, do you go to a barbershop or a chain haircut place like sports clips and why,

00:36:29.500 and why not? Because I don't want to get my, my hair butchered Spencer. There's no way in hell I'm

00:36:34.920 going to a sports clip anymore. No way. And, and it's ironic. I had no idea what I was missing. So,

00:36:43.540 so I, as a kid, I didn't even know who cut my hair as a kid. I think it was my guy, my mom probably

00:36:48.100 cut my hair. And then as a, uh, college or, and as an adult, it was like cheap sports clip or

00:36:54.840 whatever. And then I moved to New York, uh, lived in the financial district, lived on Manhattan

00:37:00.680 and, um, found a barber. And I was just like, my mind was blown. I was like, Oh man, I need to do

00:37:09.700 this all the time. So now there's no way I would get my haircut anywhere other than a barbershop and a

00:37:17.000 proper barbershop. It's awesome. I, I, man, I just love going to the barbershop, man. And, um,

00:37:25.020 yeah, it's worth the, it's worth the money for sure. So that's my take. All right. Anthony, uh,

00:37:32.180 Munoz, Munoz, uh, with the boy Scouts being in so much trouble and declaring bankruptcy and all that,

00:37:38.440 any thoughts on starting your own version? Um, that's Ryan question. So I'll, I'll tag this Anthony

00:37:45.240 and we'll put this on the next AMA. So Ryan can ask, ask, uh, answer this question specifically.

00:37:50.460 Um, but, but there's a little bit that, that we're doing. And so I wanted to bring light to that. So

00:37:56.100 we have a legacy event, uh, later this year. Let me pull up the date here. Give me a second

00:38:01.000 legacy, September 3rd through the 6th. It's in Maine, the state, Maine it's for boys's ages eight to

00:38:11.240 15 years old. And to learn more, go to order man.com slash legacy. And this is a father and

00:38:16.840 son event. Now by default, it's kind of father and son, but it could be uncle and nephew event. Um,

00:38:23.540 you know, whatever scenario there is, but, um, I've had the opportunity to be part of a legacy event

00:38:32.420 last year and it is awesome. And, and it's a wonderful event. It's a scenario by which fathers

00:38:41.360 and or uncles or whatever role you play are able to create a bonding experience with these young

00:38:48.500 boys. We put the boys through some regiments. We, we push them a little bit, not too hard,

00:38:54.000 but we push them. So they're uncomfortable. They're having to go through some grind. They're

00:38:58.160 going to have to try new things and their focus on the mindset of becoming a man and what it means

00:39:05.360 to be a man. And, um, and I, and I just wanted to at least bring that up, that there is a little

00:39:11.700 bit of what we're doing, Anthony in that space. And it's called legacy. So to learn more, check that

00:39:16.880 out, order of man.com slash legacy. And then we'll ask Ryan, uh, at another time, if there's more at

00:39:22.700 play other than just legacy at this point. So Nick, uh, care, uh, Kerrigan, Kerrigan, sorry, Nick,

00:39:29.380 man, I'm so bad at names. I have not finished today's podcast yet. And I know it's a biblical.

00:39:34.860 How do you go about deciphering the stories in the Bible to, to relate to modern way of life?

00:39:40.820 I've had my faith, my entire life, though, very shaky. I've always found it difficult to go about

00:39:46.480 life according to the Bible, because it at times just does not make sense to my simple mind.

00:39:51.540 Thank you, gentlemen. Keep up the good fight. I actually think that the problem is,

00:39:59.060 is that you don't think it's simple. And, and Nick, I would probably argue that, that it,

00:40:05.480 that it is simple. And it's not like you have a simple mind. I actually think the Bible is very

00:40:10.200 simple. Um, and so I think that's the first thing. Second, I it's ironically, whenever I've had

00:40:18.680 influence of scripture in my life, it wasn't like I'm going through a scenario and then I hopped in

00:40:25.840 the scriptures and I found the answer. So I it's, it's always like I'm consistently studying.

00:40:30.880 And then I come over a passage that goes, Whoa, like that really relates to my circumstance.

00:40:36.900 Right. And now I can evaluate that, relate to it and see how that might be applicable to me.

00:40:44.880 And, and so I don't know. And it's ironic. There's certain stories in the scriptures that I've read

00:40:51.240 over and over and over again. And I saw no significance in that part of the story. In fact,

00:40:56.700 I could probably even argue at one point, like, why did they even put that in there? Like I could have

00:41:01.040 skipped that. And then later in my life, it was brought up to me that section. I was like, Oh my

00:41:05.720 gosh, that has really meaningful significance. So I really think that there's a huge value in pondering

00:41:12.880 when we, when we study scriptures, I think, um, meditation around the possible meanings around it

00:41:20.320 and continuous studying. And, and those opportunities are just going to kind of present themselves,

00:41:27.120 as meaningful. The other thing I think is really important. Um, so I used to teach a gospel doctrine

00:41:34.180 class on the new, uh, well, I did the old Testament and the new Testament. And one thing that was really

00:41:41.360 insightful for me is we have a tendency to not have the context when we study scriptures. And, and by the

00:41:47.500 way, for you, non-religion guys, like don't stop listening, like literally this is applicable to all

00:41:52.480 things, right? We eliminate the context. And, and I think it's really important that we understand the

00:41:58.620 context of the circumstance of the story, right? What, what's the culture like at this time, right?

00:42:06.560 What's the backstory of the, of the individual that we're reading about what has happened to him in his

00:42:12.760 life. And like, I think understanding the history or of the circumstance, um, of like John or, or, or, um,

00:42:21.180 the apostle Paul or whatever, like understanding the circumstances, add a huge amount of understanding,

00:42:27.460 um, to the stories in which we're reading in, in the scriptures. And, and that goes for history,

00:42:32.880 right? I think if, if we look at an American history, um, or any history for that matter,

00:42:38.400 we need to understand the context. It is so easy for us to take modern day social constructs and go,

00:42:46.620 oh, well, you know, if I were back then, but no, actually no, like the, the evidence proves that

00:42:53.640 if you existed back then, you would be conditioned to the social constructs of that, of that era.

00:42:59.780 And you would have been raised the same way. And you probably would have saw things differently,

00:43:04.940 um, than you do today. Like that's just the reality. And so it's very insightful to get the

00:43:10.780 context. So get the context. I think be consistent with your studying and then spend time to,

00:43:16.400 ponder and think about it. Right. And, and I think relating to how that's applicable to you and

00:43:22.140 your life, it can be super impactful. And that's ultimately why Christ taught in parables, right?

00:43:28.360 Cause we can relate to those parables. And what's also great about those parables is it sounds like

00:43:33.120 a fun story and certain aspects of that parable. You might go, oh, that's, that's meaningful to me.

00:43:37.680 And this other part's not why, because you're not in the, you're not in the position to understand it

00:43:41.800 yet. And as we evolve and mature different areas of those stories, start talking to us because we're

00:43:49.800 now in a position to understand them even more, which means that we have to continually pray,

00:43:56.360 study and ponder. Otherwise you're not going to be opened up to those, those new ways of thoughts

00:44:01.580 or those other aspects and avenues of the, of the stories that are being shared, uh, within scripture.

00:44:06.920 Chad Wilson. How do I raise my girls in a world of diminishing order of man men where they are not

00:44:16.260 able to expect a provider? Hmm. So Chad, this is really interesting because I, um,

00:44:27.920 man, this, this is, this is tough, right? Because well, let's be devil's advocate. We throw, um,

00:44:37.720 some women on this podcast right now and they would go, what do you mean expect a provider?

00:44:42.280 I don't need a provider. And then we get on this whole thing of whether women should be providers

00:44:47.780 where they shouldn't be in all that kind of stuff. So I just want to point that out that we have this

00:44:52.760 social construct, um, a little bit of a social conditioning, right? That's happening in our

00:44:57.800 society where women are being taught. And I really honestly believe this. So I'm going to go out on

00:45:02.320 the limb here and just, I don't know, speak my opinion. I think we live in a society where women

00:45:06.940 are being taught that you are not valuable and let, and you're not reaching your full potential.

00:45:12.660 If you don't have a career, like a man does, if you're not self-reliant, like a man is blah, blah,

00:45:18.600 blah, like a man, like a man, like a man. I really do. I, I, and I, and I think it's,

00:45:24.020 it's, it's diminishing the true value of women and it diminishes the value of women that don't want

00:45:31.220 that. I really think that, and, and I'm obviously not a woman, but based upon the women in my life,

00:45:37.480 I think that they, there is this torn perception of, of living a fulfilled life. And, and one thing,

00:45:45.880 and I'll just share one thing that I remind my wife about all the time is I can spend my life,

00:45:51.540 spend my life aspiring to the honors of men and die lonely and unfulfilled or on the flip side to

00:46:06.640 that, she could live a life being a mom and spending time with her kids and helping them grow

00:46:14.260 and become who they are and die fulfilled. And, and she wants to be like me, like in the grand scheme

00:46:24.560 of things, success, what we look at from a success measurement perspective, wealth, toys, home,

00:46:33.520 all this kind of stuff is all worthless. It doesn't go with you when you die. Stoics never focused on,

00:46:40.080 you know, how many worldly things they focus on what your impact. Did you make a difference?

00:46:46.800 And the strongest way for us to make a difference is within the walls of our own homes. And I'll

00:46:54.680 guarantee you right now on my deathbed, guaranteed my thought process is I should have spent more time

00:47:02.640 with my kids than I did, which means I should have worked less. I should have not made inspiring to

00:47:09.480 the honors of men as important as I thought it was period. But you don't see that in a feminist

00:47:16.240 movement, right? It's like, Oh, you, you got to have a job. But I don't think that's necessarily true

00:47:21.120 now to each their own, right? If, if, if someone or a girl doesn't want a provider and she wants to be

00:47:27.500 independent providers, that's okay. Right. But back to your question, Chad, how do I raise my girls in a,

00:47:34.280 in a, in a, in a diminishing world? I think is let teach them that it's okay to be a mom.

00:47:43.280 Embrace their, their feminine traits, that they're not negative, that they're not bad,

00:47:49.340 that they're beautiful. Like their ability to create life and hold life is amazing.

00:47:54.900 I think the other importance that we, that we should teach our daughters that it's okay that

00:48:00.480 men and women are different. That is not wrong that we see things differently. That is by design

00:48:09.240 that we see things differently. And we both bring something to the table that the other one can not

00:48:15.440 period. Not like, Oh, well, you know, I can adjust and do the same thing. No, it's not possible.

00:48:22.060 I will never be able to nurture and be a mother figure to my children period.

00:48:31.000 And she would never be able to be a father figure to our children period. It requires a man and it

00:48:38.960 requires a woman. And I think it's super important that we help our kids understand the differences.

00:48:44.600 And we need to remember as adults that we foster the differences that we let mom be

00:48:51.940 more nourishing, that she lets dad be more stern. That is not, we don't have to see it exactly the

00:48:59.380 same way. We can be on the same page and bring different approaches to the table and our kids will

00:49:05.700 benefit. That's not my opinion. That's statistical evidence. This is proven.

00:49:11.740 All right, Chad, obviously something I'm opinionated about. All right, Rick Diamond. Ryan, I see that we

00:49:22.780 go to the same church. So my question is how are men in our church getting this great information from

00:49:28.200 you and how are they reacting to it? I want to get this into the hands of the men in my quorum.

00:49:33.980 The question, Rick is how are the men in your quorum? What are you doing to make sure they're getting

00:49:38.760 this message? So I'm putting it back on you, share the message. And that goes, it doesn't matter

00:49:43.280 whether they're part of the same church or not, right? Like guys, if you see the value in this

00:49:47.700 conversation, if you see the value in the YouTube videos, you can see the value in the podcast,

00:49:53.000 the interviews, the Facebook, Facebook conversations, the blogs, the conversations in the iron council,

00:50:00.880 share it, share the message. That's how you get in the hands of everybody, period. Now,

00:50:07.000 how is it being received? Of course, it's being well received. I've never had very many instances

00:50:15.340 where guys aren't like, yes, this is what's needed. So it's being very well received and

00:50:22.400 their principles. And that's the beauty of principles is they transcend religious viewpoints

00:50:28.300 and political spectrums, right? We can have this logical conversation and vote drastically

00:50:34.260 different. We can have this conversation and be Muslim and Christian because their principles,

00:50:40.500 their founding principles that we can all relate to, right? And the, and the correlation between

00:50:45.700 principles and religions are just drastic anyway. So, uh, we should be a little bit more empathetic

00:50:51.600 and understanding that we're all on the same page all hell of a lot more than we realize.

00:50:55.500 All right, there you go, Rick. There's your call to action, Rick, man. Let me know how it goes.

00:51:00.840 John La Russa for me, uh, track my battle plan, taking the time to do it is killing me. What

00:51:06.860 triggers do you put in place to create this habit? So, uh, John's talking about, we have a hero one.

00:51:13.900 If you go to store.orderofman.com, you can purchase one of these. This is a battle planner

00:51:18.520 and the battle planner. Uh, Ryan talks about it in his book sovereignty. Um, and we use battle plans

00:51:24.960 within the iron council and what they are is think of them as the framework by which we accomplish our

00:51:31.840 objectives and goals. And, um, so John's obviously struggling with tracking his battle plan, right?

00:51:40.400 And his objectives or his tactics of what he's working on. So John, here's a couple of strategies.

00:51:44.860 I'm in an office job. So the first thing is, is it's with me always. And I'll even put my

00:51:51.680 objectives and tactics on my screen and leave it on my screen as like, Oh, okay. I still need to do

00:51:57.540 that today. Right? The other thing is I live and die by a calendar. So if it's really important that

00:52:03.240 I have a doctor appointment, what do you do? You schedule it. Is it any different that you should

00:52:09.020 not be scheduling date night time with your kids, my workout, when I'm going to accomplish this phone

00:52:15.240 call and et cetera. Right? So schedule your things, make them a priority, just like everything else.

00:52:21.000 Right? Andy for Silla talks about his, his, um, power list for instance, and he doesn't get anything.

00:52:26.580 I don't know if Andy does that actually, but his power list is his list of things that he,

00:52:31.880 his non-negotiables that he needs to complete each day. Right? I've even heard strategies of guys,

00:52:38.460 uh, that don't do anything until their power list is wrapped up. Right? So if you create a power

00:52:46.400 list and you're like, these things must happen tomorrow, you do all those first, you don't do

00:52:50.300 anything else until those are done. Right? And maybe that's what you tie it to. The other thing

00:52:55.000 is you can habit loop, right? So if you have a particular habits that you do on a regular basis,

00:53:00.140 uh, every single day, loop your battle plan tracking onto that habit, right? So if it's brushing your

00:53:06.420 teeth, you always do it right after, or if it's right after workout, you do it right after,

00:53:10.740 right? And you put other things in place and reminders. And eventually you already have that

00:53:15.100 existing habit in place and you just hijack that habit and inject your tracking for your battle plan

00:53:19.800 or something else. Right? So, and yeah, hopefully that helps. Okay. Matthew Gordon, Moser, uh, Moser.

00:53:26.540 How do I know when someone needs to be cut out of my life? Um, okay. What, what's the, okay. So when

00:53:42.040 we, when we look at this question by default, we're assuming like, um, okay. They may not mean to be cut

00:53:54.000 out if you're addressing the issue appropriately. And it kind of goes back to what we were saying

00:53:59.460 earlier. I'll give you an example. So, so I've had family members in my life that I've cut out of my

00:54:09.740 life in my past. Um, and I cut them out for all kinds of good reasons. Uh, oh, they're toxic. And,

00:54:17.980 um, they are, they bring me down and, uh, they are the negative and it affects me in a negative way

00:54:24.920 and it affects my family. And, and I have the story, right. Um, and they have negative impact

00:54:31.200 and, and one could argue that I was completely accurate, right? They had negative impact in my

00:54:35.420 life. So I avoided them in my life, but look at that a little bit closer. What was the negative impact?

00:54:42.960 Like, honestly, like deep down, is it them or is it your interpretation of them?

00:54:52.940 Is it your interpretation of what they said? Oh, they say mean things. Okay. But did you

00:54:58.520 internalize what they said that was mean? And, and it bothers you because it causes self-reflection

00:55:04.580 and be a little bit of yourself because you agreed with it. No, I don't agree with it. Then why does

00:55:09.440 it affect you? Right? So I think there's, we gotta be really careful that we own how people

00:55:18.360 affect us. That's the choice, right? Uh, wrote a quote on, I don't know where I put that quote.

00:55:26.180 I wrote a quote on the Facebook group or on my Instagram account the other day. It's like

00:55:30.880 circumstances don't cause the reaction choice does. And, and your reaction and your thought

00:55:41.080 process is still a choice. Ultimately goes back to Viktor Frankl, man's search for meaning

00:55:47.440 as a man thinketh, like we got to own that. Right now you might be in a position mentally where you're

00:55:53.660 like, I can't, like I'm struggling handling that. And I still need to grow in that area. Awesome.

00:55:58.040 Take us time and a season away, right? Remove those people from your life so you can healthy,

00:56:03.460 but don't do it because you're avoiding something. Don't do it because you can't deal

00:56:08.740 because you're unwilling to take ownership over your thought process. That's weak. So realize,

00:56:16.460 Hey, I need to own this, right? I need to level up in this area and not have these things affect

00:56:22.240 me in a negative way. I'm going to own that. In the meantime, I'm going to distance myself

00:56:28.020 in this relationship until I'm in a better position to handle that, but don't take the cop

00:56:35.000 out of I'm going to address the problem by removing someone from my life. Now, with that said, I'm not

00:56:41.860 saying like, Hey, just jump around and be around negative people as much as possible and take

00:56:47.220 extreme ownership and control your own thoughts and just be brought down. Right. I'm not saying that

00:56:53.220 either. Right. So, and, and it all kind of, in the context of this question, Matthew is like,

00:56:58.020 is this a family member? Is it a parent? Is it a sibling? Is it a child? Oh, well, you should

00:57:04.420 probably be fighting for those people a little bit more. Right. And we should probably be taking a

00:57:09.060 little bit more extreme ownership, keeping those people in our lives and take an ownership of our

00:57:12.740 reaction if we can. Now, if it's Joe Schmo down the street and this guy's negative and I have no reason

00:57:21.500 to have him in my life and it's not my job to quote unquote, like, I don't know, keep a positive

00:57:27.480 influence. Sure. Like don't waste your energy and your time. Right. We can't, our job's not to go

00:57:32.440 around the world, changing everybody and having everybody in our life. Also like we're having to

00:57:38.320 burn tons of brain cycle to try to like manage our interpretation of self with everything everyone

00:57:43.680 says to us. Like, that's not what I'm suggesting. Right. So I'm kind of thinking primarily around

00:57:48.520 like family members, important people in our life, like take some ownership of our reaction.

00:57:52.760 If it requires the season away, then do so. The other thing I would consider is, is your family in a

00:57:59.540 position where they can handle that relationship in a positive way, or are they addressing it in a

00:58:06.740 negative way? They may also need a time in a season, right? Where that negative impact is not

00:58:12.700 going to be good on your family. And you don't want that around your family period, whether, and you

00:58:18.280 can preach to your kids all you want, like, well, you got to be mindful and grow. And, and, and some

00:58:22.660 of those might be great examples and learning lessons for them to like level up. But in the same

00:58:27.380 breath, you got to look at the impact and the capabilities, um, mental capabilities of your spouse

00:58:34.040 and your children and your family to be able to handle certain things. Um, and I speak from

00:58:38.560 experience. I've had people in my life that I've cut out because I thought they were the problem.

00:58:43.520 And those people are now in my life because they're, they weren't the problem. I was, it was my

00:58:49.900 interpretation of them was the problem and a lack of empathy on my part. It's really amazing what we're

00:58:57.440 willing to put up with. And I shouldn't even say it that way. It's amazing what we can deal with

00:59:03.300 when we understand and have empathy towards someone. Then we don't take a personal, we

00:59:09.960 understand where they're coming from, right? And we stop the internal dialogue of how, what that means

00:59:15.060 about ourselves on that. I think there's, there's a lot of power in, in that way. And I think that

00:59:21.060 allows us to deal with tough circumstances in the future, substantially better. If we take that

00:59:26.440 general approach, Jesse Sato, how can I rebuild my relationship with my absent inconsistent father?

00:59:35.320 He seems to think we are on, uh, we are on good terms, but I don't know how to either tell him

00:59:41.420 I don't want him in my life or how to go about fixing it. Okay. Let's do this. So Jesse, this is

00:59:51.180 already kind of, I mean, to be frank, I was kind of already alluding to this, right? So

00:59:56.320 one, don't blow off the idea that what I just said is you need to take some ownership in regards

01:00:02.440 to your reaction to things. So first do that. So the question is, is my absent inconsistent father,

01:00:12.700 right? Rebuild my relationship. I don't know whether I should tell him I don't want him in my,

01:00:16.980 why don't you want him in your life? Cause he's, he's a, an asshole. Okay. Why is he an asshole?

01:00:25.720 Cause he does, does this, does this. Okay. Does that mean he doesn't love you? Does it mean he's

01:00:31.160 not good enough? Or is it just means that he works hard and never took you to the movies as a kid or

01:00:37.720 whatever, or based upon the way your father was raised. That's all he knew to raise you as a son.

01:00:47.220 And maybe he was doing his best and it wasn't good enough. Maybe if you were a father and you were

01:00:53.820 raised the same way your father was raised, that you do the same damn thing your father does.

01:00:58.420 Are you any better? I would really consider the fact that the issue that you have with your

01:01:10.460 relationship with your father is not, has nothing to do with your father.

01:01:18.520 So I would really focus on how do you deal with that and how do you get yourself in a position

01:01:24.980 where you have ownership of that relationship? Now, with that said, one counsel that I'll quickly

01:01:33.580 give and we'll wrap up after this, after this question is how do you go restoring the relationship?

01:01:40.660 You have some animosity, obviously, possibly with your father. We have, you have a broken relationship.

01:01:45.640 It's struggling. You're, you're having a hard time. Maybe you're angry with things in the past.

01:01:51.720 You have expectation that he should be a certain way and he shouldn't be this way and blah, blah,

01:01:56.440 blah. So first off, I would say that you need to consider the fact that your father,

01:02:01.020 you need to let go of your expectation. Your father is exactly the man he is.

01:02:06.140 And the question that I would have for you is, do you, can you choose to love him because you want to,

01:02:13.320 because you choose to not because of some premeditated idea of the way he should be,

01:02:20.420 or I love him because he's going to do X or he should be, or I, or even if I love him because

01:02:25.880 of XXX, well, what if he stops doing that thing? Is he going to stop loving him? So I would say,

01:02:30.760 are you going to make a conscious choice to actually accept him as your father exactly the way he is?

01:02:36.660 And then second, if you want to restore your relationship, this is what I would do.

01:02:40.140 So I would go to your father and I would apologize. I would go to your father and say, you know what,

01:02:46.760 dad? Um, I wanted to apologize. I have made you wrong in so many different ways. You know,

01:02:58.540 you raised me a certain way. And I want to get into the story like, Oh, when you did this,

01:03:03.340 but don't, don't do that. Go to your father and say, Hey, I understand, um, that we all try our best.

01:03:11.020 And unfortunately, while you were raising me, um, I created the meaning. I created the meaning

01:03:19.920 and the interpretation that you didn't love me. I made that mean that you didn't care.

01:03:28.780 And that is so unfair for me to put that on you. And it has affected my ability to appreciate and

01:03:37.940 love you as my father, because I added meaning to it. And so I am sorry for judging you wrongly.

01:03:47.400 That's it. Jesse, you don't ask for forgiveness. You, you don't, Hey, I want, I want my dad to

01:03:55.160 apologize. You don't do that. No, for what, for your interpretation. You're going to ask someone

01:04:00.840 to apologize for their interpretation and guaranteed, or for your interpretation and

01:04:05.560 guaranteed. And, and I know the same mouse. I mean, I'm sure there's some extreme cases,

01:04:10.280 so this isn't always true, but I'd like you to suggest and consider that it doesn't matter what

01:04:18.280 he did or did not do that. What's hurting you and why you're upset is because of what you made

01:04:25.660 it mean. And that there is a distinct difference between his actions and your interpretation. So own

01:04:34.120 your interpretation and apologize for judging him wrong. And what's amazing for that is it doesn't

01:04:41.760 require him to change. It just requires you and guaranteed I'm a father. If my son came to me

01:04:50.080 and said, dad, I apologize for judging you incorrectly. What am I going to say? Son? No,

01:04:56.720 I could have done better. Right. And, and it puts yourself and it opens up the window for him

01:05:04.180 to see what ownership looks like. Jocko talks about this, about extreme ownership as leaders.

01:05:09.500 If we take on extreme ownership, our teams will start taking on extreme ownership. Do that for your

01:05:15.120 father, take ownership of the relationship and what's wrong with it. And then accepting the way he is

01:05:22.760 don't require him to change. Cause guess what? He's probably not going to change

01:05:26.840 and said, have some empathy and watch that internal dialogue. All right, Jesse, that's all I got.

01:05:35.220 Men, uh, we're up on time. So quick reminder on a few things, learn more about the iron council or

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Order of Man - July 29, 2020

Taking On Extreme Ownership, Stopping Negative Self-talk, Finding Purpose in Your Work ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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