TERRY CREWS ｜ The Path to True Masculine Power
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 13 minutes
Words per Minute
179.90558
Summary
Actor, comedian, and author Terry Cruz joins me on the podcast today to talk about some very powerful topics focused on developing masculine power, which is something all of us are focused on, if that weren t the case, we wouldn t be listening.
Transcript
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Gentlemen, Terry Cruz joins me on the podcast today to talk about some very powerful topics
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focused on developing masculine power, which is something all of us are focused on. I think
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you wouldn't be listening if that weren't the case. And I think that also you'd agree
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that Terry embodies what we would typically describe or think of when we uncover and unpack
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masculinity. But today we dive deep into his true sense of power. Also his struggles with
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past anger issues and pornography, how to be physically strong, but also how to build mental
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and emotional strength, which is very important, obviously how to avoid being baited into
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uncontrollable situations. Also what it means to misuse masculinity and ultimately overcoming shame
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and insecurity and fear. Something we all deal with. You're a man of action. You live life to
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the fullest, embrace your fears and boldly charge your own path. When life knocks you down, you get
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back up one more time. Every time. You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged, resilient,
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strong. This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become at the end of the day.
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And after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today?
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My name is Ryan Mickler. I'm the host. I'm also the founder of the Order of Man podcast and movement.
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I want to welcome you here. I want to welcome you back. I've got a very, very good conversation
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lined up for you today with the man, the myth, the legend, Mr. Terry Cruz. I think you're going
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to enjoy this one. I've been working for years and my team and making sure that we can get Terry
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on the podcast and other great guests. So if you're not already subscribed, make sure you are
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because the lineup of people that our team is working on getting on this podcast is second to
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none. Absolutely incredible. And I think you would attest to that if you've been listening for the past
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six months or a year or even the past, you know, seven years. So we're going to get into that in
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just a minute. Before I do want to mention really quickly, there's a lot of times I get messages
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from you guys and you're asking if I've had so-and-so on the podcast or you should get this
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person on the podcast. And what I've realized is that more often than not, the people that you're
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requesting to have on the podcast, I've actually had them on the podcast. So we try to make this very
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easy. The best way to know if somebody has been on the podcast is to type in order of man.com
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slash whoever. So order of man.com slash Terry Cruz, order of man.com slash Tim Tebow, order of man.com
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slash Ben Shapiro, order of man.com slash Jocko, whatever their name is, order of man.com slash type
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that in. It'll take you to our webpage, which will allow you access on a Apple podcast. I think Spotify
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and a few others, including YouTube as well. If you want to watch the video, so make it easy.
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That's how you figure out if we've had them on order of man.com slash Dave Ramsey, for example,
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and you'll find all of the links there. Okay. Just trying to be more helpful and resourceful for you.
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All right. That's all I want to do. Now it's, I've got something I'm going to share with you during the
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break, but for now, let me get into it with Terry. As most of you know, this is an extremely,
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extremely successful man. And what's most impressive to me is that he's achieved that
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level of success in multiple arenas, multiple facets of life. He's a former NFL athlete,
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obviously very athletic. He's a popular actor. I think he's been in over 50 movies. I looked it up
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over 50 movies that he's been in. And of course, he's also an extremely accomplished author of his
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books, manhood. And then his latest, which is called tough my journey to true power, which is what we get
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into today. So you're going to hear why this one is, or this man is one of the most respected,
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well-known men out there. Terry has been an outspoken advocate for masculinity,
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also the dangers of pornography, including his own personal experiences with it. And he's always
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willing to have challenging conversations on some of the most polarizing topics of today. Gentlemen,
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enjoy this one. I did. Terry, so good to see you, man. I've been looking forward to this for a very,
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very long time and it's so good to see you. Oh, good to see you too, man. Good to see you.
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Let me, let me get my permissions right there. There we go. Cool. Yeah. Well, you just, you wrote
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a new book and I read the book and I actually wanted to start from the back because there was
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in the end of the book, you wrote something that I, that, that actually impacted me deeply. And it was
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your attempt to reconcile with your mother and father. One went very well, I would say, and the other
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didn't go as planned. And I think there's a lot of men out there who are struggling with trying to
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get some sort of reconciliation with their folks or somebody else, and then trying to offer
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forgiveness. So I'd like to start there if you don't mind. Well, that's great, man. I'm thankful
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for that you are starting there because, you know, that's what I'm all about. Literally, I discovered
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that the key to, to really finding true success was in reconciliation and always, and I had to go
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back to my parents, man. And, you know, there's so many things that, you know, cause there's no such
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thing as a perfect parent. You know what I mean? There's, there's flaws, there's things that happen.
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And, you know, there were a lot of things I had to get over, man. I mean, just, you know, with the
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abuse that my dad inflicted upon my mom and our family and just mental and physical, um, you know,
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it was a stumbling block, man, for years for me, you know, um, you know, all the way to the point
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where I literally beat him up. I mean, you know, it's wild to say, because it's one of those things
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where it's just, it's something that should never happen. Like in the, just in the structure of
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humanity, you know, a child should not have to go back and beat his parents up. You know what I mean?
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And I was, I was even more traumatized by that. You know, I, there I was, I was thinking, you know,
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this is setting the score. This is settling it. This is making things right. And it actually made
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things more wrong. And what I found was reconciliation. And this was, it was weird because
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I actually experimented with it. You know what I mean? It was one of those things like,
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you know, so many things aren't working, you know, I said, you know what, what if I just wipe the slate
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clean? How about that? You know, you know, it's, it's literally like you got a board and you got all
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these things on it and all this stuff. You're like, man, you know what, I think I just need to start
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over. Um, and it was an attempt to wipe my slate clean, but you know, but, but that involved me
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forgiving. That involved me literally letting go of all the hurts and all the wrong things and all
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the traumas and all that stuff. And, um, what was wild is that, you know, when I beat my dad up,
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it was not, it left to no change. And I mean, no change back things got, got worse. But when I came
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to him and I told him, I said, man, you know what? And we call him big Terry. Cause it's, he's Terry,
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he's Terry, just like me. So I, in my house, I was little Terry. He was big there. And I said,
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you know, big Terry, you know, I said, I, I said, I've been hurt by you a lot, but one thing I do
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want to tell you, I said, I want to tell you this. I want to thank you. And I said, I have to think
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one thing that I could thank you for. And I said, I thank you for having me because if it wasn't for
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you, I wouldn't exist. And I just want to say, thank you, man. Thank you for doing that. Dude,
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Ryan, he broke down. He broke down. And I mean, in sobbing tears and apologies and this whole thing.
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And I was like, after all these years of trying different things and all this stuff, it was,
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it was through this attempt to reconcile with my dad and just the smallest way. I mean,
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that was literally the, the only thing I could think about that I could say, man, thank you for
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that. And it was the thing that broke what was a big giant, like wall between us. Now, what was wild
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is he tended to go back, you know what I mean? It was kind of like excuses and, and different things.
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He was like, well, you don't remember it the way that. And I, and I, I remember thinking, oh, well,
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but, but, but I was free. You know what I'm saying? It was like, I made the attempt. And by recognizing
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that that was the thing that I needed to do, I realized, oh my God, that is it. And I needed to
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do it in all my relationships. You know what I mean? And all my circles and all my things,
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it was like, the only thing I could control is this attitude of reconciliation. You know what I
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mean? I, I can't control whether somebody takes it or not. I can't control whether, you know, I,
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I can, you know, I can ask or I can tell somebody that I forgive them, but it's up to them to receive
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it. But man, let me tell you, man, I was free. I was free. And I have to tell you this, even since
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I wrote the book, which is so wild. Cause life keeps going. You know what I mean? So fast. You
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put the period on, you slam it shut, dude. He called me and he's like, Terry, I want a relationship,
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man. I really want a relationship with you. And, uh, and, and we, I opened it back up again.
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You know what I'm saying? And I don't think I'll ever stop attempting to reconcile and make things
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right. But I, I, I do tend to, I have to keep my distance just so, um, I make sure that he doesn't
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hurt me again in the wrong way. You know what I mean? And I have to be wise. It doesn't mean like,
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Hey man, come over every day and we hanging out and the whole thing, because it's, you know,
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there are some things that we have to grow into, but I'm, I'm always open. You know, we could actually
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have a conversation on the phone and it doesn't end in yelling and screaming and someone's angry and
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whatever. It's, it's a more understanding. And that's what comes with reconciliation. Like
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what I love about that is that you don't have to agree. You know what I mean? Like people think
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that reconciliation means you all have come to an agreement, but that's not true. You know,
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you've agreed what it was coming. What happens is you have said, all right, I acknowledge where you,
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where you are and you acknowledge where I am. And now we're going to continue to live in this.
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You know what I mean? And me not barring you and you not barring me, but we actually
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are going to collaborate, but that does also, but it just doesn't mean that we have to agree,
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which is a big, big misconception. I think that people, you know, have put on stuff like
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reconciliation and forgiveness and all this stuff. Like, you know, we, you don't forget,
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you know what I mean? And there's a lot of things that you could say, well, I still have to
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be mindful and take care of my own psyche in these relationships, but man, um, it was so powerful.
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It was so life-changing. Um, it was like a huge weight that had been on my back, like a giant rock,
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like Atlas just rolled off my back and I was able to be free, man. And I saw the difference. It was
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like the sun started shining again. I'm, I'm so glad you're talking about this because even when I
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bring up the notion of forgiveness, there's a lot of men who understand, I think where I'm coming from
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and I think where you're going to, where you're coming from. Uh, but then there's also a lot of men
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who have so much anger and resentment and hostility and even vitriol towards another person. And it's
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almost as if that person doesn't deserve my forgiveness. And we think that we're doing it
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for somebody else. But what you're saying is we're not doing it for them. We're doing it for us
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ourselves. That's right. And you know, now, right, you gotta, you gotta, you know, you gotta know
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what's up with the culture, man, with male culture. Hey, dude, we live in a revenge movie.
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Okay. You know, it's, first of all, those are the best ones to watch. You know what I mean?
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You want to watch payback. Of course. Those are the ones, because it's life, it's us.
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Dude, you want to watch Taken. You know what I mean? You want to watch it when somebody's calling
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them up and saying, I'm going to hunt you down one by one. We want to watch Expendables.
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That's what we want to watch. You want to watch Expendables. You want to watch people come back
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and settle the score. You understand what I mean? It's better than sex for a lot of men. I'm trying
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to tell you that the vision of getting all the people back who ever wronged you is, it's a, it's
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a, like a, it's an amazing fantasy, but this is the problem. And this is what I discovered. You can
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either have success or you can have revenge, but you can't have both, which is mind boggling. Like
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because people have always been like, you know, success is me getting revenge on that.
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And that means I'm successful, but what it does, it's low hanging fruit. It has made you
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into the thing that you despise. You know what I'm saying? Like you're not God. You don't get to call
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that. You know what I'm saying? It's a success. However, is being able to walk away and being able
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to move beyond, being able to be in control and not be manipulated by what someone does to you or says
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about you, or, you know, these kinds of traumas that if the true definition I feel of toughness
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is getting, you know, being, going through trauma because we all do and becoming and making yourself
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stronger because of it, you know, without slashing out and without revenge and without all this stuff,
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because again, this is why it goes to our core, you know what I mean? As a man to get back. But
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let me tell you, can you fight everybody? Can you beat up everybody? Can you get revenge on
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everybody? Can you settle the score? Wait, first of all, is there really justice? You know, the question
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is, you know how rare justice really is? How many people have gotten away with crimes against humanity
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for eons? Getting justice is absolutely the most, it's as rare as a 50 pound diamond because when it
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happens, it's like, oh my God, it really all evened out. The scales evened out. But man, most of the time,
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you know what I mean? You're left with genocides and people crying. You're left with people, you know,
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someone that has left someone, you're left with divorces, you're left with broken families,
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you're left with molested people and people got away with it. You understand what I mean?
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And it's, and what's, and what's so wild about that is that where I find, where you can't find
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justice, you can find freedom. Freedom is like, you know, the analogy I like to give is almost like,
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you know, it's my favorite analogy is it's like a slave plantation and all of the slaves have been
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set free, but you decide as me as a former slave, I decide to go back to the front door on the
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plantation and knock on the door until that, that owner gives me what he owes me. But the fact that,
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but the other guy goes and just leaves and starts a new life and builds a new house and lives free and
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builds a family and has generations and they don't even remember slavery anymore. But the other guy
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who's caught up in that stuff is still knocking on the door, demanding what he wanted and demanding
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that he get paid back because he has to settle the score. But I have decided I need freedom.
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I'm going to be that guy who's running away and who's going to decide to just start a new thing.
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There's enough room, there's enough space, there's enough riches, there's enough success out there
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that I can go and find a new place to live and establish a new reality for me and my family.
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And that's what I decided to do, man. I, I came up in Flint, Michigan and it was really, really hard,
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you know, a poor kid in Flint, Michigan. And, you know, I had dreams of coming to California and it
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was so far away from me and it was so distant that I was like, how can I ever achieve it? How
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can I ever get there? And now I look and I, but, but you have to leave, you know what I mean? Like
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it's, it's like the success is not, if I remained in Flint, Michigan, there's no way I would be doing
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what I'm doing right now. Now I can always move back and try that, but you got to leave to find
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success. I had to come to California. You know what I mean? And by coming to California, by being
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here, oh my goodness, everything could happen. All the things, all the opportunities, everything I
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ever wanted, I found, you know what I mean? And then I can go back and bless the people in Flint
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that were there, you know what I mean? And all that stuff. So it's dude, it's so, you know, because
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there's a lot of things we just assume. There's so many things that we just assume it's the things
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are the way they are. And when I call it in my book, I call it true power. When I say true power,
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true power is literally the ability to control everything about you, your emotions, your feeling,
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your, your, whatever you do, your actions, true control. Because let me tell you, man, Ryan,
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there was a time, man, where I had no control over any of it. When I was hungry, I ate. When I wanted
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sex, I got it. When I, when I wanted to, when I got mad, I would lashed out. You know, my answer to
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every problem was like in a chess game when it went, when all of a sudden I couldn't figure out a move,
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I'd turn over the board. That was my answer to every problem. You know what I mean? And it's like,
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dude, if you, if that's your answer, the turn over the board, every time you face an obstacle,
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you are going to be, I mean, you can be, you're going to end up in jail or dead.
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It's, it's really important. And I'm so glad you're going this route because from the outside,
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looking in 99% of the people who see you are going to see a strong, physically powerful,
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assertive man. And, you know, old spice and expendables and flexing my pecs and all this
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kind of stuff. But it's important that a guy like you who has that physical presence
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is talking about these other issues, which is more the soul, which is more the mind
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that goes beyond just being physically dominant, like beating up my father, for example,
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and instead realizing what you call true power.
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That's right. That's right. You know, listen, you got to understand I've been in the most competitive
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businesses you could imagine. Um, from my seven years in NFL to the height of Hollywood and it's
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extreme and there's a lot of blood, you know what I mean? Like intense rejection, intense fighting.
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I mean, when I look at the NFL, man, um, what was so crazy is just the level of brutality
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that I couldn't, I couldn't separate myself from it. You know, you know what I mean? Because it helped,
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it worked. That's the thing. Like, you know, being bad-ass was, was part of the job and you needed it.
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Like I, it's a phrase I like to say, it's, it's hard to play in the NFL with two good parents.
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You know what I mean? Cause you play on pain, you play off the injuries, off the trauma, because you,
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again, men want to settle the score. You know, you get motivated by revenge. You get motivated by,
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you know, I like the, the, I like to bring up the last dance that Michael Jordan documentary,
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you know what I mean? And one of the things that he would do, it was like, he would take everything
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personal, you know, and it would drive you, you know, when somebody just looked at you the wrong
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way, he took it personal. And, and again, and a lot of guys look at that as, Oh my God, that's how
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you do it. Right. And you will get a lot done. Like you will be successful. You, and this is where I was.
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And listen, this is not the demonized Michael Jordan at all. I love Michael Jordan. But what
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the point is, is that I was that guy who was like, this is how you win by being this dude. Like I would
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look at you Ryan and I would smile, but my whole mentality was to destroy you. And it was, you know,
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I was two people, you know what I mean? And immediately when you say that, I'm like, bring it
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on. Let's do it. Like, cause I'm the same way. You see what I mean? No, I'm telling you, man.
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And I, I've been there, but then, but then I want, you know, but it leaves you scarred.
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It leaves scorched earth. And that stuff doesn't work in real life. You know what I mean? You get
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off the football field and you do that and do that in traffic and do, you know, somebody shooting you.
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And I can't, I can't name the football players who are, who sit on the side of the road after a huge
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accident. They did something crazy and tears. Like, man, my whole life is over. You know what
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I'm saying? I mean, dude, I've been, I remember knocking people out and sitting at home waiting
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for the police to come. Cause I know everybody saw it. I knew what was up. And then just wondering,
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like, why did I, why did I just throw everything away? Just like that. You know what I mean? Like
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I had everything, family, kids, job, all this stuff. And I knocked this dude out and I'm sitting
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at home. Like, you know, that's how I started off. The book was a fight that I got into because I felt
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my wife was disrespected. And I put this guy on his head on concrete in the middle of downtown
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Pasadena and the police came and they were about to arrest me. And if I'd even thought about resisting
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it, I knew they would have shot me. And my wife was just like, what is going on? And, and this,
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this white man came out of the blue. He was like, sir, sir, they were being bothered. This man
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disrespected his wife, the whole thing. I saw the whole thing. And, and, you know, by the grace of God,
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the police let me go, but my wife pulled me to the side and we went home that night and she said,
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Terry, we're going to lose everything, man. She said, you can't do this. Like, I don't see us
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being, I don't see us winning. Like I see this all coming back to haunt you. You can be baited into
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anything. You know, if somebody calls you a wrong name, somebody does something and calls or tells
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something to me just to get at you, you're going to lose it all. And if you, you're not going to,
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what, what is our family going to do with you in jail? What is our family going to do? We get sued
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and we have to owe everybody everything. You know what I mean? It's like, you're like, Hey man,
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you got to, you got to promise me. We're just going to walk away. And now let me tell you something
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that was unthinkable, right? Unthinkable. I was like, what the hell are you talking about?
00:23:51.300
I was like, Oh, I'm handling my business. What, this is what we got to do. And again,
00:23:55.580
I had it ingrained with manhood that that is what I was supposed to do. And I'm going to tell you
00:24:03.000
another thing about black culture and black culture. We have a belief that if anybody calls
00:24:08.680
you a nigger, that you supposed to knock them out right off. Like no problem. You, anybody, I mean,
00:24:15.860
TikTok and Twitter are full of clips of people getting knocked out for calling somebody nigger.
00:24:22.140
Sure. But then I, it hit me, man. It hit me, Ryan. Like there are no niggers. They don't exist.
00:24:31.820
And so me getting offended, you might as well call me a leprechaun. And I'll be like,
00:24:38.480
That's what people call me, by the way. You know what I mean?
00:24:41.780
I have the red beard. I'm a little shorter. That's what they call me.
00:24:44.600
And first of all, if you had a problem with being a leprechaun,
00:24:47.920
if you, all of a sudden you felt you really were a leprechaun, you would be offended.
00:24:53.900
If, but if you really thought, if I said, Hey man, I'm, I'm, I'm the farthest thing from a nigger.
00:24:59.680
So why does that affect me? Why would that affect me? And I had to break down these triggers and these
00:25:07.860
things that will cause me to, to, to, to go off and lose control of my emotions and my, and my physicality.
00:25:21.000
Because when I say tough, that's a whole nother kind of toughness.
00:25:25.340
It's like another level beyond just physical strength.
00:25:29.840
We're talking emotional strength, mental strength.
00:25:32.320
And when I say tough, and this is why the name of the book is tough is because these things are not
00:25:39.020
easy to learn, but once you get them and once you hold on to them, and once you start to examine them,
00:25:45.900
it gets, it does get easier, but it takes toughness.
00:25:49.360
It takes this kind of toughness. And let me tell you, man, you know,
00:25:53.380
once I started doing that, and once I started examining why I was angry and why I went off, dude,
00:26:04.120
it started to change my reaction. It started to change everything. I started to question everything.
00:26:09.340
I would go around and it was, it was like my world got turned upside down. It was, it was just like
00:26:13.900
believing that the, you know, the sun rotates around the earth and then finding out, wait a minute,
00:26:22.400
we go around the sun. Holy cow. Wait, it looks exactly the same, but the engine is totally
00:26:30.680
different. You start to realize, wait a minute. And if you realize that we go around the sun,
00:26:36.600
now you can go into outer space. Now you understand. Now you can go super far, but until the moment you
00:26:45.380
realize, you know, if you still thought the earth was flat, you can't travel. You know what I mean?
00:26:51.540
Right. You can't move. Where else is there to go? There's nowhere to go. So you staying right
00:26:56.700
where you are. And I didn't want to stay where I was. And I said, I got to get better. I have to,
00:27:03.400
again, the moment I beat up my dad, I was sitting there like, why did I do that?
00:27:08.460
Why did I do that? Like, I can't control myself. You know what I'm saying? And a lot of men,
00:27:15.180
and this is one reason why I wrote the book, Mary, because I can't be, I wanted to let people
00:27:19.560
know that they weren't alone. You know what I'm saying? They're not alone in these feelings.
00:27:25.540
They're not alone in this and trying to handle their, I mean, look, man, jail is full of guys who
00:27:32.640
just couldn't control themselves. You know what I'm saying? It was like, man, and they look back and
00:27:37.960
they don't even know why. And they just say, I wish I wouldn't have, but, but you know, that's a
00:27:43.800
little too little too late. Terry, you've, uh, you, you talked a little bit about your wife in that
00:27:50.480
scenario about her trying to check you to a degree. I think you guys have been married for
00:27:55.080
over three decades, 33 years. Yes. My wife and I are going to celebrate 18. So we're about halfway
00:28:01.880
there. Congrats. What, what, what do you attribute that to? Cause there are so many men who, you know,
00:28:11.180
they partner with this beautiful woman. They fall in love with a woman and they, they struggle and
00:28:16.480
I've struggled. I'm sure you guys, you and your wife have struggled. No doubt. Yeah. What do you
00:28:20.740
attribute over three decades of committed marriage to? And what could you share with the guys that would
00:28:27.740
help them do the same? Okay. First of all, um, you know, my wife was leaving me, uh, 12 years ago.
00:28:36.080
Um, there's a, there's a day we call D day and, you know, she was like, I'm out, I'm done. And this is
00:28:44.900
the thing, Ryan. And what's so amazing is that I was very successful at the time, still successful.
00:28:51.540
I mean, I, I, to me, I was like, I got everything you want. I'm rich. I'm famous. Uh, I got, you know,
00:28:59.380
I'm taking care of you. I'm taking care of the kids. I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. I don't,
00:29:03.520
you know, my, my mentality was like, Hey man, you know, I haven't, I haven't beat you. I've done all
00:29:08.280
this crazy stuff, you know? And, but this is the thing, man, is that, uh, I had an addiction to
00:29:16.560
pornography that I never told my wife. And what happened was, is that over the years and over the
00:29:25.340
years, it got worse and worse and worse. Now, what was crazy is that right before D day, which
00:29:31.260
was about 12 years ago, about 10 years earlier, I cheated on her at a massage parlor. You know,
00:29:38.780
I got a hand job and I was like, Oh my God, like, and it was the pornography and all this stuff that
00:29:44.640
kind of, you know, you keep bringing that stuff into your life. It kind of manifests,
00:29:48.560
you know what I'm saying? And I was like, Oh my God, I'm not blaming it. I mean, I just definitely
00:29:52.300
did it. I was like, man, how did I get in this spot? Like I didn't want to do this. And it's the
00:29:57.380
thing I bowed. I'd never tell anybody. I was like, that's I'm going to my grave with that. Like,
00:30:03.320
this is something I'm never telling anybody. And so we go 10 more years and I got this secret and the
00:30:13.020
whole thing. And what was happening though, is that I had guilt and guilt was slowly starting
00:30:19.940
to eat at me. You know what I mean? Because I was still looking at pornography and, and she didn't
00:30:24.620
know, you know, it was one of those things I was doing it behind her back. I had a whole other life,
00:30:29.720
you know what I mean? And a whole other mentality and things that I felt like, well, you know,
00:30:33.980
I'm a man. So, you know, this is something she wouldn't understand. You know what I mean?
00:30:38.980
We kind of, you can rationalize anything. We justify it. Sure. Of course. You justify,
00:30:44.460
you rationalize, you say, Hey man, you know, she wouldn't understand it. You know, men need these
00:30:50.240
things. No big deal. Right. No big deal. I love her. It's all good. But it wasn't because this is the
00:31:00.040
thing, you know, I would ask her, well, she would come to me like, you know, you know, something's up
00:31:06.360
with you, Terry, like something's up. And I was like, Oh, what are you talking about? I'm good.
00:31:09.760
I'm straight. And she's like, no, something's wrong. You know, you can, you can tell. And I
00:31:16.340
was hiding this secret, man. And then I would, you know, the question I would ask was why doesn't
00:31:21.580
she believe me? And the thing was, it was wild because I was actually blaming her for not believing
00:31:30.460
me. Right. But the question I really needed to ask was why am I lying? Yes. Yes. That's the real
00:31:37.880
question. Why am I lying? And what I found is I was in love with the image of Terry Crews,
00:31:46.340
the image of Terry Crews, his father, husband, superstar, actor, famous guy, the whole thing.
00:31:55.900
And everybody knew my image and I was prepared to keep that image at all costs, even though inside
00:32:04.420
I was a totally different person inside. I would say, you know, it was a different thing,
00:32:10.300
but outside it was like, Oh, you know, just keep this image up. And let me tell you, man,
00:32:15.180
the world started to crumble slowly, but surely. And D-Day was when she just confronted me hardcore.
00:32:24.200
I was in New York. She was in California. And she said, Terry, what is it? I don't know about you.
00:32:30.900
Because, you know, one lie has to turn into 10, it turns into a hundred. And then you start
00:32:36.220
forgetting which lie did I tell, you know what I mean? Like what's happening, you know? And she said,
00:32:42.140
what is it? I don't know about you. And Ryan, I was tired. I was tired of keeping a secret. I was tired
00:32:48.940
tired of just running and escaping and lying. And I told her what had happened 10 years prior.
00:32:57.480
And she couldn't believe it to her. It had happened 10 minutes ago when she heard today.
00:33:06.160
And I went, Oh my God. And she was like, I'm out, man. I don't know you. And what was happening?
00:33:13.060
And what had happened, Ryan, I had, she had married an image. You know what I mean? And to find out
00:33:21.860
it wasn't the person she married, you know what I mean? Like that's a deep secret, you know? It's like,
00:33:29.800
and she was just going, wait a minute, you're not the person that I married. I'm out of here.
00:33:35.220
And you know what I did, which was so idiotic. I was like, didn't go. I was like, I'm Terry Crews.
00:33:42.340
Ego. Ego. Oh, the egos hit right back. I was like, you know who I am? I was like, shoot,
00:33:48.180
I'll find another one. It's no big deal. And let me tell you something. Hollywood did not,
00:33:52.520
does not, will not, and will never care that you have lost your family. They don't care.
00:33:59.580
In fact, they'll go, Hey man, we can put you in two more movies now. You don't have to go home.
00:34:03.600
You know what I mean? It's no big deal. You know, the party's still going.
00:34:08.660
And I was like, yeah, you know what? Hollywood doesn't care. So my business, my, my business is
00:34:14.460
not going to suffer because I wasn't honest. It's like, Hey, whatever.
00:34:18.980
The image isn't going to suffer. The image ain't going to suffer. So go. And she left.
00:34:25.760
And then I was by myself and I said, Hmm. And a little voice hit me, man. It said,
00:34:34.700
what if it's me? I said, no, no, no, no, no. It couldn't be me. No, not me. No, it's,
00:34:41.680
it's the fact that, you know, it's where I grew up. It's what I was told as well as raised. Cause I'm a
00:34:46.880
man, men have needs. I got a high sex drive. So, you know, I have every excuse in the book, man.
00:34:56.500
You know what I mean? I was like, Hey, I'm famous now. So, you know, I gotta, we have bigger needs
00:35:02.420
than other people to justification, rationalization all day. And do none of it held up. Not one.
00:35:12.660
And I said, what if it's me? And all of a sudden they hit me. I said, it is me. It's me.
00:35:22.760
Right. It's not me. I mean, it's not her. It's me. She had nothing to do with this. She'd been a
00:35:28.820
loyal, wonderful wife the whole time. And I had this double life. And I said, Oh my God. I said, man,
00:35:41.020
I got to change. And this is my advice to every man out there is to realize you have to change
00:35:49.840
throughout the course of your marriage. Listen, in 33 years, she's not the same woman she was.
00:35:57.040
And I'm not the same man. And we all had to change. And let me, another thing I want to say
00:36:03.500
is that I had to really examine my belief system. And my belief system was, I believe that I was more
00:36:10.200
valuable. And to it, just more valuable period, simply because I was a man and I had.
00:36:21.140
I'm sorry. Yeah. I just have more valuable than women. Yeah. I was, I was more valuable than women.
00:36:26.700
It'd been all the women in my life simply because I was a man, because that's what I was told when I
00:36:31.540
was young, man. It was like, Hey man, handle your wife, bro. You handle your family. You were the man
00:36:36.720
and being the man, the ego, the whole thing became, I didn't just, I wasn't the father. I wasn't the
00:36:44.000
husband. I owned them. You see what I mean? That's a whole different mindset, man. I'm a own. I own my
00:36:51.640
family, which means you can do whatever you want. You control them. And the problem with that
00:36:58.820
is that it's impossible to love someone and control them at the same time. You can't do it.
00:37:07.800
It's impossible. All love involves freedom. It doesn't involve control. If someone leaves the
00:37:13.820
house and wants to come back, they love you. But if you lock them in the basement, is it love?
00:37:20.020
You know what I mean? Like if you don't let anybody leave, is that true love? No, it's control.
00:37:27.900
And there are a lot of men that would rather be feared than loved and they conflicted too.
00:37:34.280
All right, guys, I'm gonna hit a timeout or the pause button on this conversation very quickly.
00:37:39.280
I wanted to tell you about a program that I have coming up next month. If you're listening to this
00:37:44.000
when it's released. So on May 28th, May 28th, 2022, we're going to be holding a Squire program
00:37:51.580
event. So last year, my son and I attended my good friends, Bedros, Bedros Kulian's Squire program.
00:37:59.420
It's a one day rite of passage experience for young men. And we enjoy that experience so much.
00:38:04.240
And it was so powerful that we wanted to bring the same event to Maine on our property here in the barn
00:38:08.800
and the fields and everything else. We've got some good things planned. So again, on May 28th,
00:38:14.000
of this year, Bedros and his team, Ray Cash Care, a lot of other incredible men are coming and I have
00:38:20.700
partnered to bring this incredible experience to you. So if you have a son or a nephew or young man
00:38:28.580
that you're responsible for in some capacity, some role between the ages of 12 to 16, get registered.
00:38:34.740
All right, get registered and get here to Maine on May 8th, 2022. Now we only have probably two or
00:38:42.140
three spots left. So again, if you have a son between the ages of 12 to 16, you've always needed
00:38:47.060
a reason to come to Maine. You want to meet me. You want to meet more likely Bedros and Ray and some
00:38:51.500
of the other guys, then get registered at squireprogram.com slash Ryan squireprogram.com
00:38:59.120
slash Ryan. You will not be disappointed. You're going to enjoy it and you're going to get a lot out
00:39:04.560
of it, but most importantly, your son's going to get a lot of it. So again, squireprogram.com slash
00:39:09.300
Ryan. Do that right after the show for now, I'll get back to it with Terry.
00:39:14.660
You kick off the book with a lot of talk about masculinity. And so as you're talking about what
00:39:21.440
it means to be a man relative to what it means to be a woman, how do you differentiate or what would
00:39:26.240
you say are characteristics that you believe encapsulate true masculinity in comparison to
00:39:32.900
femininity? Cause I think it's easy to say, I'll be a good and decent human being. I don't think
00:39:36.840
that's exclusive to men or women. I think that's applies broadly. We should all be good people,
00:39:41.500
but what would you say is exclusive or, or more predominant in men relative to women?
00:39:47.240
Uh, for one, I look at, um, our ability to protect our ability to build. Um, because you're,
00:39:59.600
you're talking physical strength is a huge difference between men and women. Okay. But,
00:40:06.840
but for me, the difference is purposes. Um, there are, uh, you know, I like the kind of phrase I like
00:40:14.880
to use our gender purposes, you know, it's kind of like a man has a purpose. Like, you know,
00:40:21.120
for me, it's my job. Like my wife can tell me where she wants things and it's my purpose to pick it up
00:40:28.860
and put it there. You understand what I mean? Like I do for that, you know, uh, and also there
00:40:36.800
was a threat to my house, you know, I am wired to protect my family in any way, you know what I
00:40:45.220
mean? And so these things is, this is where your strength is used to protect, to build, to love,
00:40:51.200
to, to, to hold, to really support your family because you are lifting them up. But where it
00:40:58.600
gets messed up is when you threaten your family with your strength. And when you use your strength
00:41:05.620
to hurt and when you use your strength to tear down, you know, that's where you, it's, it's the
00:41:14.160
misuse of your masculinity. And, and, you know, so much has been used to this phrase, toxic masculinity
00:41:21.400
to the point where I don't even want to use it anymore. You know what I mean? It's like, oh,
00:41:24.400
the people are just blah, blah, blah. But what I want to call it, I got a new name and it's abuse of
00:41:29.480
power. Everybody has a power. You know, when I look at female power, it's, it's awesome. The power to
00:41:37.520
have children, you know what I mean? Like a woman can, wow, that's, that's a power, you know what I mean?
00:41:43.780
And the fact that you can, you can have a child is, is I'm in awe of that. You know what I mean?
00:41:50.840
Um, but we have power, men have power. You see what I mean? And our power, I believe is to,
00:41:58.660
is to protect and build and create a life for our family. You know, I have much more. It's weird
00:42:07.560
because, you know, we all have desires and men have our desire to, to work. And most men feel
00:42:14.660
like, all right, you know, you get your purpose through your job, you know what I mean? And what
00:42:19.960
you do and these kinds of things, and your duty becomes your joy. You know, it becomes this thing
00:42:26.080
that makes you happy, you know? And, uh, and I, and I, I see that as a desire to really, really be the
00:42:34.860
servant of your family. You know what I'm saying? Like I, to, to be the greatest leader, you have to
00:42:41.200
be the greatest servant. And when I, when I took that frame of mind with my family, it was beautiful,
00:42:48.280
man. Things it became, dad can do it. You know, I had the endurance to do certain things. I had the
00:42:55.660
strength to make it through. I, you want to go this way? Let's go. I can take you there.
00:43:00.700
You know, one of my, when my kids tell me their goals, dude, I'm like a beeline. Like, man, look,
00:43:06.280
let's do this together. I mean, me and my son, we want to build a computer. I said, man, you want to
00:43:11.300
build it? Let's build. I had no idea how to do it, but do we have the best time in the world building
00:43:17.440
this computer? You know what I mean? And me showing him the parts and us learning it together. And I
00:43:22.880
was like, this is my purpose. And let me tell you, I got so, I don't think, I don't think I ever
00:43:29.540
remember a happier time. Like me and my son building his stuff together, you know what I'm saying?
00:43:37.180
And just making it, you know, it's like a dad at the grill. He knows he's feeding everybody. You know
00:43:43.420
what I mean? That's right. He's the right place. And not to be stereotypical, because again,
00:43:49.500
whatever that is, it's about providing, you know what I mean? I think when you talk about true
00:43:56.140
masculinity, it's about being a servant and providing. And it doesn't mean what I would call
00:44:02.460
pathological altruism, which means you just give everybody everything they want to the point where
00:44:07.480
they don't do anything. It's the knowledge of, Hey man, I can help you achieve your goal.
00:44:15.680
Whatever my wife's goal is, I can help her achieve that. Whatever my kid, my daughter's goal is,
00:44:21.680
I can help her get that. Whatever my son's goal is, whatever a family member's goal is, I can help you.
00:44:27.620
I mean, I have to say I'm real man feels absolutely thoroughly joyful and happy to do that for the
00:44:38.180
people he loves. And that's what I would say is the essence of masculinity.
00:44:43.760
How did you discover this? Because I think there's another side of masculinity that, that we, we tend to
00:44:51.300
at times gravitate towards taking care of ourself and getting ours. You actually talk about that in the
00:44:57.240
book, like getting mine. Right. And we can use our strengths and our masculine characteristics to
00:45:03.340
get ours, which I don't think is entirely wrong. Right. It's got to be balanced with making sure
00:45:09.800
that, as you said, that we're working to be servants. We're working to protect and to serve
00:45:14.520
other people. How did you find that out for yourself? Wow, man. Because through the therapy I had to get
00:45:20.440
into after my wife left, I went into therapy and I realized I had a problem. And, you know, some people
00:45:27.940
say it's impossible to be addicted to pornography. And I feel like, well, first of all, I couldn't
00:45:33.900
stop. So somebody, I don't know. I want to, I want to challenge that. So I've never heard that before.
00:45:39.060
You've heard that, that it's impossible to be addicted to pornography. I've heard it a lot. They go,
00:45:44.200
well, you know, it's just men, you know, it's not a true addiction. You're just whatever. And I'm
00:45:50.900
just like, well, especially in Hollywood, man, they go, that's not possible. And I go, well,
00:45:56.460
first of all, I don't know what to tell you, but I couldn't stop. You know what I mean? It was what,
00:46:01.400
it was a thing when day turned into night and you still watching it, I couldn't stop it, you know?
00:46:06.440
And it was a thing where, and what I found, and this is what I found out is that I had,
00:46:11.340
because I had been exposed to pornography at a very, very young age, which is most of the,
00:46:16.740
how most people get exposed to it because pornography doesn't-
00:46:19.760
And more and more, I imagine, for our young boys.
00:46:22.620
Come on, man. You know, listen, I had found magazines when I was around nine or 10 years old.
00:46:28.880
I didn't even know what sex was. And I was like, what? But I knew I couldn't stop. I was like,
00:46:33.840
these ladies are beautiful. Oh my God. I knew I was looking at something amazing and wonderful,
00:46:39.720
but I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what was happening. And what was happening to me
00:46:45.220
is that I was numbing. It would take me out of the violence that was in my household. Like
00:46:50.940
the abuse and my father's and drunk and dad and religious mom and all this crazy stuff I was going
00:46:58.820
through would disappear every time I looked at porn. And I mean, it was no troubles. It was like a,
00:47:06.380
it was a hit of dopamine. Like you wouldn't believe it was like a crack hit, you know?
00:47:11.500
And I went there and I discovered that, Hey man, you have a problem. Now this was the thing too,
00:47:18.760
as a man, when you say get hours, I had this whole thing mentality that if I wanted sex,
00:47:26.360
I was supposed to get it like that. Like as you, the woman, it's your job. And as a, as my wife,
00:47:33.800
if I want sex, I'm supposed to just, you know, that's it. You know what I mean? And if you don't
00:47:38.380
do it, I imagine. And I imagine even in your circumstance with, with who you are, your,
00:47:44.760
your access to that, the fact that you're obviously well-known, I mean, you're a sharp
00:47:49.320
looking guy, like the access to it is probably more so than even the average or ordinary guy
00:47:56.120
like myself. I mean, you got to put it out there.
00:47:58.720
Listen, first of all, the whole mentality was, well, look, I got to get it somewhere.
00:48:04.180
Right. So, you know, and my wife felt that pressure and I let her feel that pressure and
00:48:10.360
it was wrong. Now, Ryan, I'm going to break it down to you, man. And this is, this blew me away.
00:48:17.300
And I said, wait a minute, man, the sex is not up to her. It's up to me. I said, I had to learn
00:48:25.320
how to control my sexual urges, just like I control my food, just like I control my emotions,
00:48:32.540
just like I control everything. So, you know what I did dude? And this was under guidance of a
00:48:37.940
counselor. I went on a 90 day sex fast with my wife and what was crazy, man, this blew me away, dude.
00:48:48.200
I said, there's going to be no sex for three months and we're going to be laying in the bed
00:48:54.880
together. We're going to be living together. I'll, I'll see you in the shower. I'll do whatever,
00:48:58.680
but I have to tell my body. No, no. I mean, no sex, no, nothing. And dude, I fell more in love
00:49:10.420
with her than I ever did. And let me tell you something you ever have that time. You ever,
00:49:16.680
I don't know if you were like me, but I remember a time when I was 12 and there was a girl I liked
00:49:22.900
and I was like, whatever I would, whatever she wants, I would do for her. I just felt those
00:49:29.220
feelings of love for her. Like, and it, and it wasn't sexual at all. You know what I mean? It was
00:49:34.480
pure. It was like, I really care about this girl. Like, will you go with me? Here's a flower.
00:49:40.360
You know, it was these kinds of innocent, like, I really care about you. You're my best friend.
00:49:46.040
And I really want to see you win. And I saw the beauty in a girl, not for her body or anything
00:49:52.620
like that, but she was just beautiful for being her. Dude, that was, it happened to my wife.
00:49:57.740
And I went, I don't need this. Sex is not what I need. I need this. And this, what I'm describing
00:50:07.760
is called intimacy. And intimacy means it's someone who knows you, all your faults,
00:50:16.380
all your issues, knows everything about you and loves you regardless. That is what every man is
00:50:24.120
looking for. We think we want sex, but sex is, is sex and love has nothing to do with each other.
00:50:31.540
You know what I mean? You can have sex and no intimacy at all, but intimacy is satisfying.
00:50:39.020
Intimacy, when you're white, when you're the woman that you love, loves you back and knows everything
00:50:45.220
about you. And let me tell you what the problem was. I wouldn't allow her to know all my faults.
00:50:50.140
When I told my wife and we finally got back together, she was like, I wish you just would
00:50:55.140
have told me. You know what I mean? Like, these are things I was supposed to share with her.
00:51:01.200
And I never did because I was in love with the image and I wanted to keep that image up. And I
00:51:05.740
wanted to just, and it was a fault. It was a deck of cars, a house of cars that all just came crashing
00:51:11.360
down. And all I had to do was be honest and pure from the first place, just like that little kid
00:51:16.660
in love with that 12 year old girl who's 12 and stay there and do our marriage went from,
00:51:24.460
from just to the next 12 years. We have been on a rocket ship because I realized that I was
00:51:36.580
in control of my sexual drive. And I was, I told my body, I said, no, you're going to, you're
00:51:43.360
going to get sex when I tell you, you're going to get it. And this is where I started intermittent
00:51:48.500
fasting. I was intermittent. I've been intermittent fasting for those same 12 years. I'll tell my body
00:51:53.820
at two o'clock is when you eat, you don't eat anything before that. Even if you have a hunger
00:51:59.660
pain, even whatever, I need to tell you, you're not going to eat until I tell you to eat. And this
00:52:06.500
is the thing that I started to realize when I say true power, it's like, when you realize that you are
00:52:11.840
the master of your body, you are the master of your emotions. You know, you are not the person
00:52:20.260
who says whatever you, you know, the thoughts that come to you are not you, but you are the person who
00:52:26.180
hears it. You know what I'm saying? And it's like, the soul, that thing is you. And it didn't have
00:52:35.560
anything to do with sex or food or anything like that. You know what I mean? But it's got all your
00:52:40.660
passions. It's got everything in you as a man and all your desires, all your goals, all your will,
00:52:47.680
everything you want, everything you need is right there. And man, it was liberating. And I still,
00:52:55.380
still have been going through tons of therapy because another thing about therapy was that
00:52:59.520
in my culture, it was looked down upon. You know what I mean? Like, I think that's just masculine.
00:53:04.620
I think you're maybe alluding to maybe black culture, but I just think that's men culture in
00:53:09.400
general. Yeah. It's men too. See, see, this is the thing I'm, I'm mixed in, in a lot of different
00:53:14.460
things. When you're talking about sports culture, there's black culture, then there's male culture,
00:53:19.260
there's Hollywood culture. And it was all, and it's all has misogyny and these expectations and all
00:53:27.020
this stuff involved. And dude, I decided, Hey man, this therapy stuff, I need it. I need it.
00:53:34.260
And once I started to examine it and just keep going in it and keep traveling, it's a, it's a
00:53:40.600
beautiful journey, man. And I just, but, but you can only do it for yourself. Like I can't tell you,
00:53:47.240
and this is why I wrote the book in stories and the stories that in my life, because you're going to
00:53:55.440
find it in a different way, but hopefully in reading my story, you could say, Oh my God,
00:54:01.660
I see that here. I can do something with this here. You know what I mean? And because first of all,
00:54:07.940
everything that happened to me in that book is true. It's for real, you know, and I can't deny it,
00:54:13.720
but I can tell you this is that I would never go back, man. It's like, I've been, I'm living
00:54:19.220
a new life. It's like a whole nother life. And I love it here. I love it here. There's,
00:54:25.220
there's an old Terry, but also I have to look at it like this too. It's like a series of chess moves
00:54:31.640
that, you know, you have to go backwards, go forward. You have to move all around.
00:54:36.440
Sure. And I don't, I look back at those wrong things and I don't regret them either because they
00:54:42.360
were actually, they showed me the way to go. You know what I'm saying? It's like, Oh, I'm, I'm,
00:54:49.360
I'm just thankful. And that's why I'm the most thankful man in Hollywood, maybe in America, dude,
00:54:54.640
because I know where I could be. If I was still in the dark, you know, I'd be divorced. I'd be mean.
00:55:01.860
And I probably would no longer be in Hollywood. You know, I'm going to say this too, you know,
00:55:06.600
when, when I look at what happened at the Academy of Wars the other day and amen, there was a time I
00:55:12.820
was Will Smith. I could go off at any note in the middle of a hundred million people watching.
00:55:23.400
Right. And you just can't control it. And you get up and you just smack somebody.
00:55:29.420
That's a wild thing. It's, it's, it's amazing me to think about, I could see how, if you insulted
00:55:37.360
me, I could see how I'd go to blows with you. Like one-on-one, I could see how that would happen
00:55:41.040
to have that much, um, to be that emotionally vested in it, that you would literally do it in
00:55:48.820
front of millions and millions of people. There's a different level there. There's no control,
00:55:54.340
but, but I was there. Right. I think we've all been there.
00:55:58.380
I could see it, man. Wait, wait. I did it in front of the streets of Pasadena
00:56:03.700
when in a crowded Christmas shopping, bunch of people everywhere, you know what I mean? And I
00:56:11.100
put this guy on his head on the concrete and people were screaming and running. My wife was like,
00:56:16.220
what is happening? Hey man, I was Will, but it wasn't until I was Chris Rock that I learned how to
00:56:25.660
take a blow and not let everything fall apart and keep my control. Cause think about what if Chris
00:56:31.820
had fought back? What it would have descended into chaos. The best thing Chris Rock did in that
00:56:39.100
situation. He's like, wow, that was the greatest moment in television history. I'm like, you are
00:56:44.600
exactly right. And oh my gosh, how did you say that in that moment? That was a lot of control right
00:56:50.760
there. But Chris will tell you, listen, man, I know Chris and lately he's been doing tons of therapy.
00:56:58.120
He learned about himself. Now I don't think he should have said the joke. It wasn't personally
00:57:03.260
that funny. I think it's one of his worst jokes to be honest, but the way he handled that, I went,
00:57:09.720
that's power, man. That's power. That's where I need to be. And I did the same thing when that agent,
00:57:18.620
my agent molested me at a party, a Hollywood party back in 2017. And a lot of people, a lot of men
00:57:27.840
didn't still don't understand that. You know, the whole thing was this guy, he was, I don't know what
00:57:32.440
he was drunk or high or whatever. And this guy's the head of the motion picture department at William
00:57:36.940
Morris. And he grabs my crotch. I'm sitting like, yo man. And I push him back like, yo, what are you
00:57:43.940
doing? And now listen, I don't even drink, Ryan. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I've never been high.
00:57:48.280
I don't do that. You know what I mean? I'll tell you what my issues are. And it was with porn,
00:57:52.540
but I'd never been an alcoholic simply because my father was like that. So I never drink and I was
00:57:58.060
sober. And I was like, what is wrong with this dude? And then he came back at me and I was like,
00:58:02.220
get off of me, man. And my wife was there. And you know what? My wife looked at me and we all played
00:58:09.760
back to those times when I was knocking people out and the whole thing. And I remembered her promise
00:58:14.580
because listen, there's no doubt I could have murdered that guy and wait, and would have been
00:58:20.740
justified, right? Would have been justified. But you know what? Would you have believed me?
00:58:27.780
Was there anybody in the world that would have believed me if I said, yeah, but he grabbed me?
00:58:32.400
I would have been spawned with anybody in this world. And I'd say, and I beg to tell you, you
00:58:38.180
would, if you say, yeah, I beg to differ. Cause if I would have knocked him out and he would have
00:58:44.780
read, cause I could kill somebody. I ain't going to lie to you. And if he would have been really hurt
00:58:49.660
and the whole of Hollywood would have been like, Terry Cruz got mad, angry dude who we will never
00:58:57.900
hire again, because he can't control himself. Let me ask you this in those situations. And I'm,
00:59:04.540
and I'm not talking about what other people perceive because they're going to perceive what
00:59:08.080
they will. And you've done with dealt with your fair share of that, but in your own mind, how do you
00:59:13.400
reconcile between, Hey, I'm going to be the bigger man or am I being a little bitch? Right? First of all,
00:59:20.780
this, this is the thing. First of all, there's levels. You know what I mean? I, when you realize
00:59:28.780
you have the power, if you ever, first of all, you can look at a, there's a example of a bouncer
00:59:35.480
and a little drunk guy who had 15 beers. He doesn't know what's going on. And he's swinging at the
00:59:42.660
bouncer and the bouncer is just standing there looking at him like, okay. Now if the bouncer hauled off
00:59:49.740
and wiped his head, took his head off his shoulders, everybody would look like, Oh damn,
00:59:55.140
that's too, that's too much. That's too much. Cause you have a responsibility. You understand?
01:00:00.600
There's a responsibility there because you are the bigger man. You see what I mean? You are,
01:00:05.760
you have more responsibility and you have more power. Listen, if I have a nuclear bomb and you
01:00:11.340
have a firecracker that can't be the answer to all your problems. You know what I mean? You have more
01:00:18.760
power than you think is what I'm trying to say. Those things, when you do snap, it's because you
01:00:25.760
believe you're powerless. You know, you have, you look at yourself like the big bouncer. I don't care
01:00:32.120
where you are. You can't control this situation and you can be the voice of reason. Now the little
01:00:39.720
bitch thing is a thing where, you know, no one is telling you to sit there and get whipped on
01:00:46.820
and the whole thing, but you can always, always find ways to do things without, you know, there's
01:00:52.560
a smarter way to do everything. To me, the little, the little bitch thing is when a guy goes into a
01:00:57.940
subway with a canister tear gas and start shooting that innocent people. That's as, that's as bitchy as
01:01:04.840
you can get. You know what I'm saying? Because that stuff is about revenge, about against people
01:01:10.740
for certain slights and different things. And you're mad at the world and I'm going to get
01:01:16.200
everybody back, whoever did something to me. And it's the weakest, most terrible place to be.
01:01:23.400
And, but I look at the powerful guys, other guys who are in control and the guys who see,
01:01:29.780
you know, we've all experienced somebody who knew how to calm a situation down so that it didn't
01:01:36.360
descend into chaos. You know, I, listen, I grew up with gang members, man, where you stepped on a
01:01:42.240
shoe and three people were going to die that night. Innocence, you know, and it's always some kid.
01:01:48.800
It's like a little nine-year-old gets shot in the head because two gang members going at it, man.
01:01:54.340
It's the most bitchy thing I've ever seen in my life. And then they do it in a car as
01:01:59.640
they're screaming by, like they don't even have the confidence to stand up. You see what I'm saying?
01:02:04.500
And then they run like little scared kids. And I go, this is not being a man. It's not,
01:02:12.980
but manhood is really, really about just standing there and being responsible. And what, what,
01:02:19.860
and see the whole term responsible is response ability, your ability to respond. The more ability
01:02:27.600
you have in your response, the more responsible you are. It's dude, it's, it's wild. Because once
01:02:34.560
I started examining all these things and I was like, Oh my God, I was questioning everything,
01:02:39.220
you know, all the stuff I've been told, everybody's like, go get them, go, go do this.
01:02:43.880
Like, no, I'm not going to get baited into that. No. And everybody, you look weak. I'm like, well,
01:02:48.960
today I do. Thank you. But I want, you know, you win by walking away. You know what I mean? Just
01:02:57.420
because you get, you may look weak to somebody and they called you all these names, whatever, man,
01:03:03.120
but that doesn't make it true. And I, I, I said, man, I know now to be that voice, to be that person.
01:03:13.140
This is what happened in the middle of all the 2020 and the whole thing. And people got mad at me
01:03:19.300
for tweeting about, you know, Hey, I decide I'm going to side with good people, no matter they were
01:03:25.280
black or white. I said, I'm not going to get into this, this race thing where everyone is like,
01:03:33.320
you're demonizing white people. And I said, Hey man, I know a lot of good white people.
01:03:38.600
And I said, I know a lot of good people that are really on our side. So I said, I'm not going to,
01:03:44.820
to choose sides that way. And remember to me, reconciliation is more than just
01:03:51.140
is family member to family member. It's also black and white. It's male and female. It's Republican
01:03:57.960
Democrat. Reconciliation goes all the way across the board. Again, that does not mean we have to agree,
01:04:04.520
but we have to live in this place together. And I decided I was going to unify with good,
01:04:12.660
good people, no matter what they were, no matter their race, creed, ideology, ideology. I knew I
01:04:19.180
needed to say that. And it got me, people got mad at me for saying that. I bet. I bet. It was,
01:04:24.960
it was, I saw it, but to me, it was a tough stance to take, but I knew I needed to,
01:04:30.160
because I needed to establish who I was and I needed to not be scared. And see, these are things
01:04:36.160
where someone needed to be the voice of reason. You know, I wanted to be that voice that stood in
01:04:43.120
the middle of the chaos and said, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, let's talk about this. Let's have some nuance
01:04:48.260
about this. You know what I mean? You can't demonize either side. We all have to work on what
01:04:55.700
this is and do. And that's where I still stand. And I will never change from that. Reconciliation
01:05:01.840
is the first and wait, any movement that doesn't start with reconciliation. I don't want any part
01:05:07.940
of, because what you're doing is you're just postponing a war. You know what I mean? It's
01:05:14.080
literally like you take your ball and go home. I take my ball and go home. Eventually you're going
01:05:19.780
to be coming back, fighting. You come back with bats. Then you come back with guns. It's not going to work.
01:05:25.700
We all have to sit down and find a way to work this out. And that's what reconciliation is all
01:05:30.500
about. And I don't even think there's sides. I mean, I know in extreme cases, there are people
01:05:36.260
who are pit against each other who are legitimate enemies because somebody is trying to take what
01:05:40.660
you have or whatever it might be, um, or harm you or people you care about. But for the most part,
01:05:45.540
I don't think there are sides. I think we're all pretty much want the same thing. Um, I think black
01:05:52.520
Americans pretty much want the same thing as white Americans. I think, uh, Republicans want the same
01:05:57.480
thing as Democrats pretty much. Now we might differ, but like the sides thing. And I think social media
01:06:03.680
has, has made this worse, but the sides thing is an issue. It's an issue. It's like, even I even think
01:06:08.920
about your NFL career. It's like, yeah, you know, you might be playing for so-and-so on the other guys
01:06:13.640
on the other team, but also you've agreed so much, not to competition, but cooperation
01:06:18.680
that you're willing to bring a third party in to make sure you guys all play by the rules. And
01:06:23.720
you've agreed if we break the rules, there's consequences to it. So yes, it's competition,
01:06:28.040
but it's also cooperation. That's right. That's right. Listen, we're more, we are more alike
01:06:33.560
than we will ever be not, you know, different. You know what I mean? We are 99.999% alike.
01:06:42.760
Yes. I mean, no matter what, and that's every human being on earth and the differences are so
01:06:50.280
infinitesimal, you know, and you can't blow up the differences, you know, and that's what I refuse to do.
01:06:58.360
And, but, but again, I'm thankful, man. I'm thankful for these revelations because you can see
01:07:05.560
through problems, you know, you look at problems a different way. And I'm just thankful that I
01:07:13.560
realized I'm not fighting people. I'm fighting mindsets, you know, and fighting errant beliefs
01:07:19.560
and, you know, so you don't, you learn not to take it out on people. You can count some of these things.
01:07:24.780
Like I said, someone called me a nigger. I could count it as just ignorance. It's just, they don't
01:07:29.260
know. And I don't have to get, take it personal and get angry. And I just say, you know, one day
01:07:36.700
they'll find out, you know what I'm saying? And it's a powerful place to be, man. I'm just telling
01:07:43.900
you because I used to be able to be manipulated any which way the wind blew left. I'm going left.
01:07:48.940
The wind blew to the right. There I go, you know, but it feels good to be able to stand and walk
01:07:55.440
where I want to go and just keep going that way, no matter which way the wind is going.
01:08:02.400
It's, it's so refreshing and good to see the depth, because again, I think a lot of people see you
01:08:08.100
as the persona, right? Cause that's what, that's what we get. Like that's, that's the access that we
01:08:14.140
have. And so to see the depth of it is really, really powerful. I loved your book, man. Great
01:08:21.220
book. I'm excited to get it out to the guys. I do have to tell you this. You have a distinct honor.
01:08:27.400
You don't know it, but you have a distinct honor on the order man podcast. I, I posted a picture on
01:08:33.560
Instagram of this book the other day. And my mom said, you're interviewing Terry Cruz. And I said,
01:08:40.520
yeah, I am bro. I've done 350 plus interviews over seven years. Not one single time has my mother ever
01:08:52.860
said, I love that person you're having. She said it about you. Do me a favor, Terry, if you would,
01:08:59.820
will you just say hello to Joan? Thank you for whatever, whatever comes to your mind.
01:09:04.560
You got it. Hey, Joan, how you doing? It's Terry Cruz. I want to thank you for being a fan and just
01:09:13.380
for hanging in with me. Uh, just had a great time with your son on his podcast and, uh, God bless you,
01:09:19.960
Joan. Thank you. Awesome. Awesome. That's going to make your day. Oh, that's good. That's great,
01:09:26.900
man. Thank you. I'm sorry, but I got Siri in the background. No problem. Out of nowhere. I'm like,
01:09:31.600
ah, they're watching us, man. They're watching us. They are always watching and listening. Well,
01:09:36.020
Terry, I appreciate you. Thanks for joining me on the podcast. Keep up the great work. I'm excited
01:09:40.240
to get it out to the guys. I know they are too. Thank you again. I really, really appreciate it.
01:09:44.800
Hey, I am honored, man. Really enjoyed this conversation. Thank you, Ryan.
01:09:50.340
All right, gentlemen, there you go. The one and only Terry Cruz. What, what an incredible
01:09:54.500
conversation. I mean, I knew it would be good. I I've been following Terry for a long time and, uh,
01:10:00.880
I've always been impressed with his candor, but also his level of success and what he's done to
01:10:05.840
improve himself in his own life. Uh, I hope that it was valuable for you. And I would highly,
01:10:11.060
highly encourage you to pick up a copy of his newest book, tough. Uh, I really enjoyed it. And
01:10:16.300
of course, it's going to be an extension of, of this podcast if you did. So guys connect with me,
01:10:20.800
uh, connect with Terry. I have one ask if you would just before this podcast ends,
01:10:25.680
just take a really quick screenshot, post it up on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, wherever,
01:10:30.780
uh, and tag Terry tag myself. This is good. Not only for those guys, because we want to promote
01:10:36.940
Terry and the people that have coming on the podcast, but it's also good for us because
01:10:40.520
that lets other people know that you're listening to the podcast. And then it lets our guests know
01:10:46.740
that we have an audience that is engaged with the work we're doing here.
01:10:51.600
And it helps us get other high caliber, high quality guests. So we can learn from those.
01:10:57.400
We can dissect the way that they've improved their own lives. So these are little small things
01:11:02.040
you can do, leave a rating and review, take a screenshot, tag me, tag Terry, small things you
01:11:07.200
guys can do, uh, to help boost and promote the visibility of what we're doing here. And I was
01:11:12.980
thinking about it the other day. Somebody was asking me why I don't do a podcast ads. And they asked
01:11:20.120
how much money I'm leaving on the table by not doing ads guys. I'm, I'm literally leaving
01:11:25.860
five figures on the table, uh, each month by not doing podcast ads. And I don't want to
01:11:31.840
do podcast ads. I want to talk about the things that I want to talk about and the things that
01:11:35.380
I know are important to you. So please engage, help promote, share, buy a hat, buy a product,
01:11:43.700
um, take a screenshot, leave a review, small, simple things that don't cost you any time or money
01:11:48.700
necessarily, or maybe 20 bucks or whatever for a hat. And it helps support what we're doing here.
01:11:53.360
And it helps me bring on, which is important to me right now, bring on the team and the staff and
01:11:59.320
the right people in the right places to be able to advance this mission, to reclaim and restore
01:12:03.640
masculinity. So do me a solid promote, share support, and I'm not going to bring on ads, but we
01:12:12.700
need to create the revenue to be able to build this thing even more than we have before. Okay. All
01:12:17.520
right. That's all I've got. Connect with Terry, connect with me. I hope you enjoyed the podcast.
01:12:22.100
Subscribe, make sure you check out the Squire program on May 28th at squireprogram.com slash
01:12:27.820
Ryan. And, uh, hopefully we'll see you out there. Oh, also one of the thing, we've got a live event
01:12:33.940
happening May 7th, May 7th in Sacramento area. Uh, and if you're interested in that, you can go to
01:12:41.300
manuncaged.com manuncaged.com. There's a, uh, ticket that you can buy in person. You're going to
01:12:48.120
meet me and Bedros and Steven Mansfield and Tanner Guzzi and Matt Boudreau and Jack Donovan.
01:12:54.640
The, the, the, the people we have coming out are awesome. Ray care is going to be out there,
01:12:58.420
I believe. Uh, or you can buy, uh, so that you can buy that ticket or you can get a virtual ticket,
01:13:04.140
which is free. Uh, you can do that all at manuncaged.com. If you want the live version in
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person, manuncaged.com slash life. All right, guys, that's all I've got for you today. We'll
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be back tomorrow for ask me anything until then go out there, take action and become the man you
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are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge
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of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at order of