Order of Man - TERRY CREWS ｜ The Path to True Masculine Power

00:00:00.200 Gentlemen, Terry Cruz joins me on the podcast today to talk about some very powerful topics

00:00:05.060 focused on developing masculine power, which is something all of us are focused on. I think

00:00:10.840 you wouldn't be listening if that weren't the case. And I think that also you'd agree

00:00:14.480 that Terry embodies what we would typically describe or think of when we uncover and unpack

00:00:21.980 masculinity. But today we dive deep into his true sense of power. Also his struggles with

00:00:28.800 past anger issues and pornography, how to be physically strong, but also how to build mental

00:00:34.220 and emotional strength, which is very important, obviously how to avoid being baited into

00:00:39.340 uncontrollable situations. Also what it means to misuse masculinity and ultimately overcoming shame

00:00:47.680 and insecurity and fear. Something we all deal with. You're a man of action. You live life to

00:00:52.740 the fullest, embrace your fears and boldly charge your own path. When life knocks you down, you get

00:00:58.120 back up one more time. Every time. You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged, resilient,

00:01:04.800 strong. This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become at the end of the day.

00:01:11.380 And after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today?

00:01:16.760 My name is Ryan Mickler. I'm the host. I'm also the founder of the Order of Man podcast and movement.

00:01:21.880 I want to welcome you here. I want to welcome you back. I've got a very, very good conversation

00:01:27.240 lined up for you today with the man, the myth, the legend, Mr. Terry Cruz. I think you're going

00:01:31.680 to enjoy this one. I've been working for years and my team and making sure that we can get Terry

00:01:38.980 on the podcast and other great guests. So if you're not already subscribed, make sure you are

00:01:43.180 because the lineup of people that our team is working on getting on this podcast is second to

00:01:49.140 none. Absolutely incredible. And I think you would attest to that if you've been listening for the past

00:01:53.900 six months or a year or even the past, you know, seven years. So we're going to get into that in

00:01:59.080 just a minute. Before I do want to mention really quickly, there's a lot of times I get messages

00:02:03.800 from you guys and you're asking if I've had so-and-so on the podcast or you should get this

00:02:08.640 person on the podcast. And what I've realized is that more often than not, the people that you're

00:02:14.960 requesting to have on the podcast, I've actually had them on the podcast. So we try to make this very

00:02:20.140 easy. The best way to know if somebody has been on the podcast is to type in order of man.com

00:02:26.080 slash whoever. So order of man.com slash Terry Cruz, order of man.com slash Tim Tebow, order of man.com

00:02:34.740 slash Ben Shapiro, order of man.com slash Jocko, whatever their name is, order of man.com slash type

00:02:41.440 that in. It'll take you to our webpage, which will allow you access on a Apple podcast. I think Spotify

00:02:47.880 and a few others, including YouTube as well. If you want to watch the video, so make it easy.

00:02:54.040 That's how you figure out if we've had them on order of man.com slash Dave Ramsey, for example,

00:02:58.700 and you'll find all of the links there. Okay. Just trying to be more helpful and resourceful for you.

00:03:05.480 All right. That's all I want to do. Now it's, I've got something I'm going to share with you during the

00:03:08.480 break, but for now, let me get into it with Terry. As most of you know, this is an extremely,

00:03:14.260 extremely successful man. And what's most impressive to me is that he's achieved that

00:03:19.260 level of success in multiple arenas, multiple facets of life. He's a former NFL athlete,

00:03:25.520 obviously very athletic. He's a popular actor. I think he's been in over 50 movies. I looked it up

00:03:30.680 over 50 movies that he's been in. And of course, he's also an extremely accomplished author of his

00:03:36.940 books, manhood. And then his latest, which is called tough my journey to true power, which is what we get

00:03:42.520 into today. So you're going to hear why this one is, or this man is one of the most respected,

00:03:48.140 well-known men out there. Terry has been an outspoken advocate for masculinity,

00:03:52.620 also the dangers of pornography, including his own personal experiences with it. And he's always

00:03:58.240 willing to have challenging conversations on some of the most polarizing topics of today. Gentlemen,

00:04:04.340 enjoy this one. I did. Terry, so good to see you, man. I've been looking forward to this for a very,

00:04:09.580 very long time and it's so good to see you. Oh, good to see you too, man. Good to see you.

00:04:13.800 Let me, let me get my permissions right there. There we go. Cool. Yeah. Well, you just, you wrote

00:04:18.520 a new book and I read the book and I actually wanted to start from the back because there was

00:04:24.520 in the end of the book, you wrote something that I, that, that actually impacted me deeply. And it was

00:04:30.460 your attempt to reconcile with your mother and father. One went very well, I would say, and the other

00:04:37.160 didn't go as planned. And I think there's a lot of men out there who are struggling with trying to

00:04:43.040 get some sort of reconciliation with their folks or somebody else, and then trying to offer

00:04:48.920 forgiveness. So I'd like to start there if you don't mind. Well, that's great, man. I'm thankful

00:04:53.400 for that you are starting there because, you know, that's what I'm all about. Literally, I discovered

00:05:01.360 that the key to, to really finding true success was in reconciliation and always, and I had to go

00:05:10.280 back to my parents, man. And, you know, there's so many things that, you know, cause there's no such

00:05:16.060 thing as a perfect parent. You know what I mean? There's, there's flaws, there's things that happen.

00:05:20.400 And, you know, there were a lot of things I had to get over, man. I mean, just, you know, with the

00:05:25.600 abuse that my dad inflicted upon my mom and our family and just mental and physical, um, you know,

00:05:33.680 it was a stumbling block, man, for years for me, you know, um, you know, all the way to the point

00:05:39.320 where I literally beat him up. I mean, you know, it's wild to say, because it's one of those things

00:05:46.320 where it's just, it's something that should never happen. Like in the, just in the structure of

00:05:51.560 humanity, you know, a child should not have to go back and beat his parents up. You know what I mean?

00:05:57.340 And I was, I was even more traumatized by that. You know, I, there I was, I was thinking, you know,

00:06:03.480 this is setting the score. This is settling it. This is making things right. And it actually made

00:06:08.900 things more wrong. And what I found was reconciliation. And this was, it was weird because

00:06:17.440 I actually experimented with it. You know what I mean? It was one of those things like,

00:06:22.660 you know, so many things aren't working, you know, I said, you know what, what if I just wipe the slate

00:06:28.760 clean? How about that? You know, you know, it's, it's literally like you got a board and you got all

00:06:33.880 these things on it and all this stuff. You're like, man, you know what, I think I just need to start

00:06:38.080 over. Um, and it was an attempt to wipe my slate clean, but you know, but, but that involved me

00:06:48.020 forgiving. That involved me literally letting go of all the hurts and all the wrong things and all

00:06:57.040 the traumas and all that stuff. And, um, what was wild is that, you know, when I beat my dad up,

00:07:02.360 it was not, it left to no change. And I mean, no change back things got, got worse. But when I came

00:07:09.440 to him and I told him, I said, man, you know what? And we call him big Terry. Cause it's, he's Terry,

00:07:15.520 he's Terry, just like me. So I, in my house, I was little Terry. He was big there. And I said,

00:07:20.220 you know, big Terry, you know, I said, I, I said, I've been hurt by you a lot, but one thing I do

00:07:27.080 want to tell you, I said, I want to tell you this. I want to thank you. And I said, I have to think

00:07:32.040 one thing that I could thank you for. And I said, I thank you for having me because if it wasn't for

00:07:39.480 you, I wouldn't exist. And I just want to say, thank you, man. Thank you for doing that. Dude,

00:07:46.760 Ryan, he broke down. He broke down. And I mean, in sobbing tears and apologies and this whole thing.

00:07:56.060 And I was like, after all these years of trying different things and all this stuff, it was,

00:08:01.440 it was through this attempt to reconcile with my dad and just the smallest way. I mean,

00:08:06.780 that was literally the, the only thing I could think about that I could say, man, thank you for

00:08:13.900 that. And it was the thing that broke what was a big giant, like wall between us. Now, what was wild

00:08:22.880 is he tended to go back, you know what I mean? It was kind of like excuses and, and different things.

00:08:29.400 He was like, well, you don't remember it the way that. And I, and I, I remember thinking, oh, well,

00:08:33.680 but, but, but I was free. You know what I'm saying? It was like, I made the attempt. And by recognizing

00:08:41.840 that that was the thing that I needed to do, I realized, oh my God, that is it. And I needed to

00:08:49.540 do it in all my relationships. You know what I mean? And all my circles and all my things,

00:08:55.300 it was like, the only thing I could control is this attitude of reconciliation. You know what I

00:09:02.140 mean? I, I can't control whether somebody takes it or not. I can't control whether, you know, I,

00:09:06.800 I can, you know, I can ask or I can tell somebody that I forgive them, but it's up to them to receive

00:09:12.660 it. But man, let me tell you, man, I was free. I was free. And I have to tell you this, even since

00:09:19.400 I wrote the book, which is so wild. Cause life keeps going. You know what I mean? So fast. You

00:09:24.920 put the period on, you slam it shut, dude. He called me and he's like, Terry, I want a relationship,

00:09:31.660 man. I really want a relationship with you. And, uh, and, and we, I opened it back up again.

00:09:38.800 You know what I'm saying? And I don't think I'll ever stop attempting to reconcile and make things

00:09:44.420 right. But I, I, I do tend to, I have to keep my distance just so, um, I make sure that he doesn't

00:09:51.760 hurt me again in the wrong way. You know what I mean? And I have to be wise. It doesn't mean like,

00:09:55.660 Hey man, come over every day and we hanging out and the whole thing, because it's, you know,

00:10:00.540 there are some things that we have to grow into, but I'm, I'm always open. You know, we could actually

00:10:06.320 have a conversation on the phone and it doesn't end in yelling and screaming and someone's angry and

00:10:13.440 whatever. It's, it's a more understanding. And that's what comes with reconciliation. Like

00:10:18.080 what I love about that is that you don't have to agree. You know what I mean? Like people think

00:10:23.680 that reconciliation means you all have come to an agreement, but that's not true. You know,

00:10:28.480 you've agreed what it was coming. What happens is you have said, all right, I acknowledge where you,

00:10:34.200 where you are and you acknowledge where I am. And now we're going to continue to live in this.

00:10:39.860 You know what I mean? And me not barring you and you not barring me, but we actually

00:10:45.380 are going to collaborate, but that does also, but it just doesn't mean that we have to agree,

00:10:51.420 which is a big, big misconception. I think that people, you know, have put on stuff like

00:10:57.760 reconciliation and forgiveness and all this stuff. Like, you know, we, you don't forget,

00:11:02.740 you know what I mean? And there's a lot of things that you could say, well, I still have to

00:11:06.780 be mindful and take care of my own psyche in these relationships, but man, um, it was so powerful.

00:11:15.620 It was so life-changing. Um, it was like a huge weight that had been on my back, like a giant rock,

00:11:22.920 like Atlas just rolled off my back and I was able to be free, man. And I saw the difference. It was

00:11:29.360 like the sun started shining again. I'm, I'm so glad you're talking about this because even when I

00:11:35.800 bring up the notion of forgiveness, there's a lot of men who understand, I think where I'm coming from

00:11:42.540 and I think where you're going to, where you're coming from. Uh, but then there's also a lot of men

00:11:47.700 who have so much anger and resentment and hostility and even vitriol towards another person. And it's

00:11:56.920 almost as if that person doesn't deserve my forgiveness. And we think that we're doing it

00:12:03.640 for somebody else. But what you're saying is we're not doing it for them. We're doing it for us

00:12:09.320 ourselves. That's right. And you know, now, right, you gotta, you gotta, you know, you gotta know

00:12:15.160 what's up with the culture, man, with male culture. Hey, dude, we live in a revenge movie.

00:12:20.840 Okay. You know, it's, first of all, those are the best ones to watch. You know what I mean?

00:12:25.440 You want to watch payback. Of course. Those are the ones, because it's life, it's us.

00:12:28.820 Dude, you want to watch Taken. You know what I mean? You want to watch it when somebody's calling

00:12:32.540 them up and saying, I'm going to hunt you down one by one. We want to watch Expendables.

00:12:36.460 That's what we want to watch. You want to watch Expendables. You want to watch people come back

00:12:40.760 and settle the score. You understand what I mean? It's better than sex for a lot of men. I'm trying

00:12:47.120 to tell you that the vision of getting all the people back who ever wronged you is, it's a, it's

00:12:53.180 a, like a, it's an amazing fantasy, but this is the problem. And this is what I discovered. You can

00:12:59.860 either have success or you can have revenge, but you can't have both, which is mind boggling. Like

00:13:08.460 because people have always been like, you know, success is me getting revenge on that.

00:13:13.520 And that means I'm successful, but what it does, it's low hanging fruit. It has made you

00:13:19.340 into the thing that you despise. You know what I'm saying? Like you're not God. You don't get to call

00:13:25.320 that. You know what I'm saying? It's a success. However, is being able to walk away and being able

00:13:32.020 to move beyond, being able to be in control and not be manipulated by what someone does to you or says

00:13:39.620 about you, or, you know, these kinds of traumas that if the true definition I feel of toughness

00:13:46.760 is getting, you know, being, going through trauma because we all do and becoming and making yourself

00:13:54.860 stronger because of it, you know, without slashing out and without revenge and without all this stuff,

00:14:01.580 because again, this is why it goes to our core, you know what I mean? As a man to get back. But

00:14:08.080 let me tell you, can you fight everybody? Can you beat up everybody? Can you get revenge on

00:14:13.460 everybody? Can you settle the score? Wait, first of all, is there really justice? You know, the question

00:14:20.200 is, you know how rare justice really is? How many people have gotten away with crimes against humanity

00:14:26.980 for eons? Getting justice is absolutely the most, it's as rare as a 50 pound diamond because when it

00:14:38.580 happens, it's like, oh my God, it really all evened out. The scales evened out. But man, most of the time,

00:14:45.540 you know what I mean? You're left with genocides and people crying. You're left with people, you know,

00:14:51.540 someone that has left someone, you're left with divorces, you're left with broken families,

00:14:57.380 you're left with molested people and people got away with it. You understand what I mean?

00:15:03.320 And it's, and what's, and what's so wild about that is that where I find, where you can't find

00:15:08.980 justice, you can find freedom. Freedom is like, you know, the analogy I like to give is almost like,

00:15:17.300 you know, it's my favorite analogy is it's like a slave plantation and all of the slaves have been

00:15:23.780 set free, but you decide as me as a former slave, I decide to go back to the front door on the

00:15:30.000 plantation and knock on the door until that, that owner gives me what he owes me. But the fact that,

00:15:37.260 but the other guy goes and just leaves and starts a new life and builds a new house and lives free and

00:15:44.960 builds a family and has generations and they don't even remember slavery anymore. But the other guy

00:15:52.460 who's caught up in that stuff is still knocking on the door, demanding what he wanted and demanding

00:15:58.000 that he get paid back because he has to settle the score. But I have decided I need freedom.

00:16:04.920 I'm going to be that guy who's running away and who's going to decide to just start a new thing.

00:16:10.320 There's enough room, there's enough space, there's enough riches, there's enough success out there

00:16:16.060 that I can go and find a new place to live and establish a new reality for me and my family.

00:16:23.720 And that's what I decided to do, man. I, I came up in Flint, Michigan and it was really, really hard,

00:16:30.440 you know, a poor kid in Flint, Michigan. And, you know, I had dreams of coming to California and it

00:16:36.860 was so far away from me and it was so distant that I was like, how can I ever achieve it? How

00:16:41.580 can I ever get there? And now I look and I, but, but you have to leave, you know what I mean? Like

00:16:47.980 it's, it's like the success is not, if I remained in Flint, Michigan, there's no way I would be doing

00:16:54.700 what I'm doing right now. Now I can always move back and try that, but you got to leave to find

00:17:01.380 success. I had to come to California. You know what I mean? And by coming to California, by being

00:17:08.160 here, oh my goodness, everything could happen. All the things, all the opportunities, everything I

00:17:14.300 ever wanted, I found, you know what I mean? And then I can go back and bless the people in Flint

00:17:19.800 that were there, you know what I mean? And all that stuff. So it's dude, it's so, you know, because

00:17:26.580 there's a lot of things we just assume. There's so many things that we just assume it's the things

00:17:31.440 are the way they are. And when I call it in my book, I call it true power. When I say true power,

00:17:38.000 true power is literally the ability to control everything about you, your emotions, your feeling,

00:17:47.460 your, your, whatever you do, your actions, true control. Because let me tell you, man, Ryan,

00:17:54.640 there was a time, man, where I had no control over any of it. When I was hungry, I ate. When I wanted

00:18:01.620 sex, I got it. When I, when I wanted to, when I got mad, I would lashed out. You know, my answer to 0.97

00:18:07.460 every problem was like in a chess game when it went, when all of a sudden I couldn't figure out a move,

00:18:12.480 I'd turn over the board. That was my answer to every problem. You know what I mean? And it's like,

00:18:18.900 dude, if you, if that's your answer, the turn over the board, every time you face an obstacle,

00:18:24.980 you are going to be, I mean, you can be, you're going to end up in jail or dead.

00:18:31.780 That's just the way it is.

00:18:33.980 It's, it's really important. And I'm so glad you're going this route because from the outside,

00:18:40.400 looking in 99% of the people who see you are going to see a strong, physically powerful,

00:18:49.440 assertive man. And, you know, old spice and expendables and flexing my pecs and all this

00:18:56.920 kind of stuff. But it's important that a guy like you who has that physical presence

00:19:02.800 is talking about these other issues, which is more the soul, which is more the mind

00:19:07.660 that goes beyond just being physically dominant, like beating up my father, for example,

00:19:13.240 and instead realizing what you call true power.

00:19:17.480 That's right. That's right. You know, listen, you got to understand I've been in the most competitive

00:19:23.700 businesses you could imagine. Um, from my seven years in NFL to the height of Hollywood and it's

00:19:33.520 extreme and there's a lot of blood, you know what I mean? Like intense rejection, intense fighting.

00:19:40.900 I mean, when I look at the NFL, man, um, what was so crazy is just the level of brutality

00:19:47.280 that I couldn't, I couldn't separate myself from it. You know, you know what I mean? Because it helped,

00:19:53.680 it worked. That's the thing. Like, you know, being bad-ass was, was part of the job and you needed it.

00:20:03.400 Like I, it's a phrase I like to say, it's, it's hard to play in the NFL with two good parents.

00:20:09.700 You know what I mean? Cause you play on pain, you play off the injuries, off the trauma, because you,

00:20:17.120 again, men want to settle the score. You know, you get motivated by revenge. You get motivated by,

00:20:25.640 you know, I like the, the, I like to bring up the last dance that Michael Jordan documentary,

00:20:30.480 you know what I mean? And one of the things that he would do, it was like, he would take everything

00:20:34.840 personal, you know, and it would drive you, you know, when somebody just looked at you the wrong

00:20:40.980 way, he took it personal. And, and again, and a lot of guys look at that as, Oh my God, that's how

00:20:46.980 you do it. Right. And you will get a lot done. Like you will be successful. You, and this is where I was.

00:20:53.900 And listen, this is not the demonized Michael Jordan at all. I love Michael Jordan. But what

00:20:59.080 the point is, is that I was that guy who was like, this is how you win by being this dude. Like I would

00:21:07.140 look at you Ryan and I would smile, but my whole mentality was to destroy you. And it was, you know,

00:21:16.480 I was two people, you know what I mean? And immediately when you say that, I'm like, bring it

00:21:21.060 on. Let's do it. Like, cause I'm the same way. You see what I mean? No, I'm telling you, man.

00:21:26.880 And I, I've been there, but then, but then I want, you know, but it leaves you scarred.

00:21:31.660 It leaves scorched earth. And that stuff doesn't work in real life. You know what I mean? You get

00:21:38.160 off the football field and you do that and do that in traffic and do, you know, somebody shooting you.

00:21:45.120 And I can't, I can't name the football players who are, who sit on the side of the road after a huge

00:21:50.240 accident. They did something crazy and tears. Like, man, my whole life is over. You know what

00:21:55.540 I'm saying? I mean, dude, I've been, I remember knocking people out and sitting at home waiting

00:22:02.680 for the police to come. Cause I know everybody saw it. I knew what was up. And then just wondering,

00:22:08.820 like, why did I, why did I just throw everything away? Just like that. You know what I mean? Like

00:22:14.420 I had everything, family, kids, job, all this stuff. And I knocked this dude out and I'm sitting

00:22:21.540 at home. Like, you know, that's how I started off. The book was a fight that I got into because I felt

00:22:26.680 my wife was disrespected. And I put this guy on his head on concrete in the middle of downtown

00:22:33.720 Pasadena and the police came and they were about to arrest me. And if I'd even thought about resisting

00:22:42.140 it, I knew they would have shot me. And my wife was just like, what is going on? And, and this,

00:22:50.200 this white man came out of the blue. He was like, sir, sir, they were being bothered. This man

00:22:55.200 disrespected his wife, the whole thing. I saw the whole thing. And, and, you know, by the grace of God,

00:23:00.040 the police let me go, but my wife pulled me to the side and we went home that night and she said,

00:23:06.420 Terry, we're going to lose everything, man. She said, you can't do this. Like, I don't see us

00:23:13.300 being, I don't see us winning. Like I see this all coming back to haunt you. You can be baited into

00:23:19.940 anything. You know, if somebody calls you a wrong name, somebody does something and calls or tells

00:23:24.660 something to me just to get at you, you're going to lose it all. And if you, you're not going to,

00:23:29.820 what, what is our family going to do with you in jail? What is our family going to do? We get sued

00:23:34.620 and we have to owe everybody everything. You know what I mean? It's like, you're like, Hey man,

00:23:39.880 you got to, you got to promise me. We're just going to walk away. And now let me tell you something

00:23:44.620 that was unthinkable, right? Unthinkable. I was like, what the hell are you talking about?

00:23:51.300 I was like, Oh, I'm handling my business. What, this is what we got to do. And again,

00:23:55.580 I had it ingrained with manhood that that is what I was supposed to do. And I'm going to tell you

00:24:03.000 another thing about black culture and black culture. We have a belief that if anybody calls

00:24:08.680 you a nigger, that you supposed to knock them out right off. Like no problem. You, anybody, I mean, 1.00

00:24:15.860 TikTok and Twitter are full of clips of people getting knocked out for calling somebody nigger. 0.94

00:24:22.140 Sure. But then I, it hit me, man. It hit me, Ryan. Like there are no niggers. They don't exist. 1.00

00:24:31.820 And so me getting offended, you might as well call me a leprechaun. And I'll be like,

00:24:38.480 That's what people call me, by the way. You know what I mean?

00:24:41.780 I have the red beard. I'm a little shorter. That's what they call me.

00:24:44.600 And first of all, if you had a problem with being a leprechaun,

00:24:47.920 if you, all of a sudden you felt you really were a leprechaun, you would be offended. 0.97

00:24:53.900 If, but if you really thought, if I said, Hey man, I'm, I'm, I'm the farthest thing from a nigger. 0.99

00:24:59.680 So why does that affect me? Why would that affect me? And I had to break down these triggers and these

00:25:07.860 things that will cause me to, to, to, to go off and lose control of my emotions and my, and my physicality.

00:25:16.620 And man, it's tough. This is tough.

00:25:21.000 Because when I say tough, that's a whole nother kind of toughness.

00:25:25.340 It's like another level beyond just physical strength.

00:25:29.840 We're talking emotional strength, mental strength.

00:25:32.320 And when I say tough, and this is why the name of the book is tough is because these things are not

00:25:39.020 easy to learn, but once you get them and once you hold on to them, and once you start to examine them,

00:25:45.900 it gets, it does get easier, but it takes toughness.

00:25:49.360 It takes this kind of toughness. And let me tell you, man, you know,

00:25:53.380 once I started doing that, and once I started examining why I was angry and why I went off, dude,

00:26:04.120 it started to change my reaction. It started to change everything. I started to question everything.

00:26:09.340 I would go around and it was, it was like my world got turned upside down. It was, it was just like

00:26:13.900 believing that the, you know, the sun rotates around the earth and then finding out, wait a minute,

00:26:22.400 we go around the sun. Holy cow. Wait, it looks exactly the same, but the engine is totally

00:26:30.680 different. You start to realize, wait a minute. And if you realize that we go around the sun,

00:26:36.600 now you can go into outer space. Now you understand. Now you can go super far, but until the moment you

00:26:45.380 realize, you know, if you still thought the earth was flat, you can't travel. You know what I mean?

00:26:51.540 Right. You can't move. Where else is there to go? There's nowhere to go. So you staying right

00:26:56.700 where you are. And I didn't want to stay where I was. And I said, I got to get better. I have to,

00:27:03.400 again, the moment I beat up my dad, I was sitting there like, why did I do that?

00:27:08.460 Why did I do that? Like, I can't control myself. You know what I'm saying? And a lot of men,

00:27:15.180 and this is one reason why I wrote the book, Mary, because I can't be, I wanted to let people

00:27:19.560 know that they weren't alone. You know what I'm saying? They're not alone in these feelings.

00:27:25.540 They're not alone in this and trying to handle their, I mean, look, man, jail is full of guys who

00:27:32.640 just couldn't control themselves. You know what I'm saying? It was like, man, and they look back and

00:27:37.960 they don't even know why. And they just say, I wish I wouldn't have, but, but you know, that's a

00:27:43.800 little too little too late. Terry, you've, uh, you, you talked a little bit about your wife in that

00:27:50.480 scenario about her trying to check you to a degree. I think you guys have been married for

00:27:55.080 over three decades, 33 years. Yes. My wife and I are going to celebrate 18. So we're about halfway

00:28:01.880 there. Congrats. What, what, what do you attribute that to? Cause there are so many men who, you know,

00:28:11.180 they partner with this beautiful woman. They fall in love with a woman and they, they struggle and

00:28:16.480 I've struggled. I'm sure you guys, you and your wife have struggled. No doubt. Yeah. What do you

00:28:20.740 attribute over three decades of committed marriage to? And what could you share with the guys that would

00:28:27.740 help them do the same? Okay. First of all, um, you know, my wife was leaving me, uh, 12 years ago.

00:28:36.080 Um, there's a, there's a day we call D day and, you know, she was like, I'm out, I'm done. And this is

00:28:44.900 the thing, Ryan. And what's so amazing is that I was very successful at the time, still successful.

00:28:51.540 I mean, I, I, to me, I was like, I got everything you want. I'm rich. I'm famous. Uh, I got, you know,

00:28:59.380 I'm taking care of you. I'm taking care of the kids. I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. I don't,

00:29:03.520 you know, my, my mentality was like, Hey man, you know, I haven't, I haven't beat you. I've done all

00:29:08.280 this crazy stuff, you know? And, but this is the thing, man, is that, uh, I had an addiction to

00:29:16.560 pornography that I never told my wife. And what happened was, is that over the years and over the

00:29:25.340 years, it got worse and worse and worse. Now, what was crazy is that right before D day, which

00:29:31.260 was about 12 years ago, about 10 years earlier, I cheated on her at a massage parlor. You know,

00:29:38.780 I got a hand job and I was like, Oh my God, like, and it was the pornography and all this stuff that

00:29:44.640 kind of, you know, you keep bringing that stuff into your life. It kind of manifests,

00:29:48.560 you know what I'm saying? And I was like, Oh my God, I'm not blaming it. I mean, I just definitely

00:29:52.300 did it. I was like, man, how did I get in this spot? Like I didn't want to do this. And it's the

00:29:57.380 thing I bowed. I'd never tell anybody. I was like, that's I'm going to my grave with that. Like,

00:30:03.320 this is something I'm never telling anybody. And so we go 10 more years and I got this secret and the

00:30:13.020 whole thing. And what was happening though, is that I had guilt and guilt was slowly starting

00:30:19.940 to eat at me. You know what I mean? Because I was still looking at pornography and, and she didn't

00:30:24.620 know, you know, it was one of those things I was doing it behind her back. I had a whole other life,

00:30:29.720 you know what I mean? And a whole other mentality and things that I felt like, well, you know,

00:30:33.980 I'm a man. So, you know, this is something she wouldn't understand. You know what I mean?

00:30:38.980 We kind of, you can rationalize anything. We justify it. Sure. Of course. You justify,

00:30:44.460 you rationalize, you say, Hey man, you know, she wouldn't understand it. You know, men need these

00:30:50.240 things. No big deal. Right. No big deal. I love her. It's all good. But it wasn't because this is the

00:31:00.040 thing, you know, I would ask her, well, she would come to me like, you know, you know, something's up

00:31:06.360 with you, Terry, like something's up. And I was like, Oh, what are you talking about? I'm good.

00:31:09.760 I'm straight. And she's like, no, something's wrong. You know, you can, you can tell. And I

00:31:16.340 was hiding this secret, man. And then I would, you know, the question I would ask was why doesn't

00:31:21.580 she believe me? And the thing was, it was wild because I was actually blaming her for not believing

00:31:30.460 me. Right. But the question I really needed to ask was why am I lying? Yes. Yes. That's the real

00:31:37.880 question. Why am I lying? And what I found is I was in love with the image of Terry Crews,

00:31:46.340 the image of Terry Crews, his father, husband, superstar, actor, famous guy, the whole thing.

00:31:55.900 And everybody knew my image and I was prepared to keep that image at all costs, even though inside

00:32:04.420 I was a totally different person inside. I would say, you know, it was a different thing,

00:32:10.300 but outside it was like, Oh, you know, just keep this image up. And let me tell you, man,

00:32:15.180 the world started to crumble slowly, but surely. And D-Day was when she just confronted me hardcore.

00:32:24.200 I was in New York. She was in California. And she said, Terry, what is it? I don't know about you.

00:32:30.900 Because, you know, one lie has to turn into 10, it turns into a hundred. And then you start

00:32:36.220 forgetting which lie did I tell, you know what I mean? Like what's happening, you know? And she said,

00:32:42.140 what is it? I don't know about you. And Ryan, I was tired. I was tired of keeping a secret. I was tired

00:32:48.940 tired of just running and escaping and lying. And I told her what had happened 10 years prior.

00:32:57.480 And she couldn't believe it to her. It had happened 10 minutes ago when she heard today.

00:33:06.160 And I went, Oh my God. And she was like, I'm out, man. I don't know you. And what was happening?

00:33:13.060 And what had happened, Ryan, I had, she had married an image. You know what I mean? And to find out

00:33:21.860 it wasn't the person she married, you know what I mean? Like that's a deep secret, you know? It's like,

00:33:29.800 and she was just going, wait a minute, you're not the person that I married. I'm out of here. 0.81

00:33:35.220 And you know what I did, which was so idiotic. I was like, didn't go. I was like, I'm Terry Crews. 0.99

00:33:42.340 Ego. Ego. Oh, the egos hit right back. I was like, you know who I am? I was like, shoot,

00:33:48.180 I'll find another one. It's no big deal. And let me tell you something. Hollywood did not,

00:33:52.520 does not, will not, and will never care that you have lost your family. They don't care.

00:33:59.580 In fact, they'll go, Hey man, we can put you in two more movies now. You don't have to go home.

00:34:03.600 You know what I mean? It's no big deal. You know, the party's still going.

00:34:08.660 And I was like, yeah, you know what? Hollywood doesn't care. So my business, my, my business is

00:34:14.460 not going to suffer because I wasn't honest. It's like, Hey, whatever.

00:34:18.980 The image isn't going to suffer. The image ain't going to suffer. So go. And she left.

00:34:25.760 And then I was by myself and I said, Hmm. And a little voice hit me, man. It said,

00:34:34.700 what if it's me? I said, no, no, no, no, no. It couldn't be me. No, not me. No, it's,

00:34:41.680 it's the fact that, you know, it's where I grew up. It's what I was told as well as raised. Cause I'm a

00:34:46.880 man, men have needs. I got a high sex drive. So, you know, I have every excuse in the book, man. 0.96

00:34:56.500 You know what I mean? I was like, Hey, I'm famous now. So, you know, I gotta, we have bigger needs

00:35:02.420 than other people to justification, rationalization all day. And do none of it held up. Not one.

00:35:12.660 And I said, what if it's me? And all of a sudden they hit me. I said, it is me. It's me.

00:35:22.760 Right. It's not me. I mean, it's not her. It's me. She had nothing to do with this. She'd been a

00:35:28.820 loyal, wonderful wife the whole time. And I had this double life. And I said, Oh my God. I said, man,

00:35:41.020 I got to change. And this is my advice to every man out there is to realize you have to change

00:35:49.840 throughout the course of your marriage. Listen, in 33 years, she's not the same woman she was.

00:35:57.040 And I'm not the same man. And we all had to change. And let me, another thing I want to say

00:36:03.500 is that I had to really examine my belief system. And my belief system was, I believe that I was more

00:36:10.200 valuable. And to it, just more valuable period, simply because I was a man and I had.

00:36:19.020 Than a woman? Is that what you're saying? 0.90

00:36:21.140 I'm sorry. Yeah. I just have more valuable than women. Yeah. I was, I was more valuable than women. 1.00

00:36:26.700 It'd been all the women in my life simply because I was a man, because that's what I was told when I

00:36:31.540 was young, man. It was like, Hey man, handle your wife, bro. You handle your family. You were the man

00:36:36.720 and being the man, the ego, the whole thing became, I didn't just, I wasn't the father. I wasn't the

00:36:44.000 husband. I owned them. You see what I mean? That's a whole different mindset, man. I'm a own. I own my

00:36:51.640 family, which means you can do whatever you want. You control them. And the problem with that

00:36:58.820 is that it's impossible to love someone and control them at the same time. You can't do it.

00:37:07.800 It's impossible. All love involves freedom. It doesn't involve control. If someone leaves the

00:37:13.820 house and wants to come back, they love you. But if you lock them in the basement, is it love?

00:37:20.020 You know what I mean? Like if you don't let anybody leave, is that true love? No, it's control.

00:37:27.900 And there are a lot of men that would rather be feared than loved and they conflicted too.

00:37:34.280 All right, guys, I'm gonna hit a timeout or the pause button on this conversation very quickly.

00:37:39.280 I wanted to tell you about a program that I have coming up next month. If you're listening to this

00:37:44.000 when it's released. So on May 28th, May 28th, 2022, we're going to be holding a Squire program

00:37:51.580 event. So last year, my son and I attended my good friends, Bedros, Bedros Kulian's Squire program.

00:37:59.420 It's a one day rite of passage experience for young men. And we enjoy that experience so much.

00:38:04.240 And it was so powerful that we wanted to bring the same event to Maine on our property here in the barn

00:38:08.800 and the fields and everything else. We've got some good things planned. So again, on May 28th,

00:38:14.000 of this year, Bedros and his team, Ray Cash Care, a lot of other incredible men are coming and I have

00:38:20.700 partnered to bring this incredible experience to you. So if you have a son or a nephew or young man

00:38:28.580 that you're responsible for in some capacity, some role between the ages of 12 to 16, get registered.

00:38:34.740 All right, get registered and get here to Maine on May 8th, 2022. Now we only have probably two or

00:38:42.140 three spots left. So again, if you have a son between the ages of 12 to 16, you've always needed

00:38:47.060 a reason to come to Maine. You want to meet me. You want to meet more likely Bedros and Ray and some

00:38:51.500 of the other guys, then get registered at squireprogram.com slash Ryan squireprogram.com

00:38:59.120 slash Ryan. You will not be disappointed. You're going to enjoy it and you're going to get a lot out

00:39:04.560 of it, but most importantly, your son's going to get a lot of it. So again, squireprogram.com slash

00:39:09.300 Ryan. Do that right after the show for now, I'll get back to it with Terry.

00:39:14.660 You kick off the book with a lot of talk about masculinity. And so as you're talking about what

00:39:21.440 it means to be a man relative to what it means to be a woman, how do you differentiate or what would

00:39:26.240 you say are characteristics that you believe encapsulate true masculinity in comparison to

00:39:32.900 femininity? Cause I think it's easy to say, I'll be a good and decent human being. I don't think

00:39:36.840 that's exclusive to men or women. I think that's applies broadly. We should all be good people,

00:39:41.500 but what would you say is exclusive or, or more predominant in men relative to women?

00:39:47.240 Uh, for one, I look at, um, our ability to protect our ability to build. Um, because you're,

00:39:59.600 you're talking physical strength is a huge difference between men and women. Okay. But,

00:40:06.840 but for me, the difference is purposes. Um, there are, uh, you know, I like the kind of phrase I like

00:40:14.880 to use our gender purposes, you know, it's kind of like a man has a purpose. Like, you know,

00:40:21.120 for me, it's my job. Like my wife can tell me where she wants things and it's my purpose to pick it up 0.71

00:40:28.860 and put it there. You understand what I mean? Like I do for that, you know, uh, and also there

00:40:36.800 was a threat to my house, you know, I am wired to protect my family in any way, you know what I

00:40:45.220 mean? And so these things is, this is where your strength is used to protect, to build, to love,

00:40:51.200 to, to, to hold, to really support your family because you are lifting them up. But where it

00:40:58.600 gets messed up is when you threaten your family with your strength. And when you use your strength

00:41:05.620 to hurt and when you use your strength to tear down, you know, that's where you, it's, it's the

00:41:14.160 misuse of your masculinity. And, and, you know, so much has been used to this phrase, toxic masculinity

00:41:21.400 to the point where I don't even want to use it anymore. You know what I mean? It's like, oh,

00:41:24.400 the people are just blah, blah, blah. But what I want to call it, I got a new name and it's abuse of

00:41:29.480 power. Everybody has a power. You know, when I look at female power, it's, it's awesome. The power to 1.00

00:41:37.520 have children, you know what I mean? Like a woman can, wow, that's, that's a power, you know what I mean? 1.00

00:41:43.780 And the fact that you can, you can have a child is, is I'm in awe of that. You know what I mean?

00:41:50.840 Um, but we have power, men have power. You see what I mean? And our power, I believe is to,

00:41:58.660 is to protect and build and create a life for our family. You know, I have much more. It's weird

00:42:07.560 because, you know, we all have desires and men have our desire to, to work. And most men feel

00:42:14.660 like, all right, you know, you get your purpose through your job, you know what I mean? And what

00:42:19.960 you do and these kinds of things, and your duty becomes your joy. You know, it becomes this thing

00:42:26.080 that makes you happy, you know? And, uh, and I, and I, I see that as a desire to really, really be the

00:42:34.860 servant of your family. You know what I'm saying? Like I, to, to be the greatest leader, you have to

00:42:41.200 be the greatest servant. And when I, when I took that frame of mind with my family, it was beautiful,

00:42:48.280 man. Things it became, dad can do it. You know, I had the endurance to do certain things. I had the

00:42:55.660 strength to make it through. I, you want to go this way? Let's go. I can take you there.

00:43:00.700 You know, one of my, when my kids tell me their goals, dude, I'm like a beeline. Like, man, look,

00:43:06.280 let's do this together. I mean, me and my son, we want to build a computer. I said, man, you want to

00:43:11.300 build it? Let's build. I had no idea how to do it, but do we have the best time in the world building

00:43:17.440 this computer? You know what I mean? And me showing him the parts and us learning it together. And I

00:43:22.880 was like, this is my purpose. And let me tell you, I got so, I don't think, I don't think I ever

00:43:29.540 remember a happier time. Like me and my son building his stuff together, you know what I'm saying?

00:43:37.180 And just making it, you know, it's like a dad at the grill. He knows he's feeding everybody. You know

00:43:43.420 what I mean? That's right. He's the right place. And not to be stereotypical, because again,

00:43:49.500 whatever that is, it's about providing, you know what I mean? I think when you talk about true

00:43:56.140 masculinity, it's about being a servant and providing. And it doesn't mean what I would call

00:44:02.460 pathological altruism, which means you just give everybody everything they want to the point where

00:44:07.480 they don't do anything. It's the knowledge of, Hey man, I can help you achieve your goal.

00:44:15.680 Whatever my wife's goal is, I can help her achieve that. Whatever my kid, my daughter's goal is,

00:44:21.680 I can help her get that. Whatever my son's goal is, whatever a family member's goal is, I can help you.

00:44:27.620 I mean, I have to say I'm real man feels absolutely thoroughly joyful and happy to do that for the

00:44:38.180 people he loves. And that's what I would say is the essence of masculinity.

00:44:43.760 How did you discover this? Because I think there's another side of masculinity that, that we, we tend to

00:44:51.300 at times gravitate towards taking care of ourself and getting ours. You actually talk about that in the

00:44:57.240 book, like getting mine. Right. And we can use our strengths and our masculine characteristics to 1.00

00:45:03.340 get ours, which I don't think is entirely wrong. Right. It's got to be balanced with making sure

00:45:09.800 that, as you said, that we're working to be servants. We're working to protect and to serve

00:45:14.520 other people. How did you find that out for yourself? Wow, man. Because through the therapy I had to get

00:45:20.440 into after my wife left, I went into therapy and I realized I had a problem. And, you know, some people

00:45:27.940 say it's impossible to be addicted to pornography. And I feel like, well, first of all, I couldn't

00:45:33.900 stop. So somebody, I don't know. I want to, I want to challenge that. So I've never heard that before.

00:45:39.060 You've heard that, that it's impossible to be addicted to pornography. I've heard it a lot. They go,

00:45:44.200 well, you know, it's just men, you know, it's not a true addiction. You're just whatever. And I'm

00:45:50.900 just like, well, especially in Hollywood, man, they go, that's not possible. And I go, well,

00:45:56.460 first of all, I don't know what to tell you, but I couldn't stop. You know what I mean? It was what,

00:46:01.400 it was a thing when day turned into night and you still watching it, I couldn't stop it, you know?

00:46:06.440 And it was a thing where, and what I found, and this is what I found out is that I had,

00:46:11.340 because I had been exposed to pornography at a very, very young age, which is most of the,

00:46:16.740 how most people get exposed to it because pornography doesn't-

00:46:19.760 And more and more, I imagine, for our young boys.

00:46:22.620 Come on, man. You know, listen, I had found magazines when I was around nine or 10 years old.

00:46:28.880 I didn't even know what sex was. And I was like, what? But I knew I couldn't stop. I was like,

00:46:33.840 these ladies are beautiful. Oh my God. I knew I was looking at something amazing and wonderful,

00:46:39.720 but I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what was happening. And what was happening to me

00:46:45.220 is that I was numbing. It would take me out of the violence that was in my household. Like

00:46:50.940 the abuse and my father's and drunk and dad and religious mom and all this crazy stuff I was going 0.84

00:46:58.820 through would disappear every time I looked at porn. And I mean, it was no troubles. It was like a,

00:47:06.380 it was a hit of dopamine. Like you wouldn't believe it was like a crack hit, you know?

00:47:11.500 And I went there and I discovered that, Hey man, you have a problem. Now this was the thing too,

00:47:18.760 as a man, when you say get hours, I had this whole thing mentality that if I wanted sex,

00:47:26.360 I was supposed to get it like that. Like as you, the woman, it's your job. And as a, as my wife,

00:47:33.800 if I want sex, I'm supposed to just, you know, that's it. You know what I mean? And if you don't 0.69

00:47:38.380 do it, I imagine. And I imagine even in your circumstance with, with who you are, your,

00:47:44.760 your access to that, the fact that you're obviously well-known, I mean, you're a sharp

00:47:49.320 looking guy, like the access to it is probably more so than even the average or ordinary guy

00:47:56.120 like myself. I mean, you got to put it out there.

00:47:58.720 Listen, first of all, the whole mentality was, well, look, I got to get it somewhere.

00:48:04.180 Right. So, you know, and my wife felt that pressure and I let her feel that pressure and

00:48:10.360 it was wrong. Now, Ryan, I'm going to break it down to you, man. And this is, this blew me away.

00:48:17.300 And I said, wait a minute, man, the sex is not up to her. It's up to me. I said, I had to learn

00:48:25.320 how to control my sexual urges, just like I control my food, just like I control my emotions,

00:48:32.540 just like I control everything. So, you know what I did dude? And this was under guidance of a

00:48:37.940 counselor. I went on a 90 day sex fast with my wife and what was crazy, man, this blew me away, dude.

00:48:48.200 I said, there's going to be no sex for three months and we're going to be laying in the bed 0.74

00:48:54.880 together. We're going to be living together. I'll, I'll see you in the shower. I'll do whatever,

00:48:58.680 but I have to tell my body. No, no. I mean, no sex, no, nothing. And dude, I fell more in love

00:49:10.420 with her than I ever did. And let me tell you something you ever have that time. You ever,

00:49:16.680 I don't know if you were like me, but I remember a time when I was 12 and there was a girl I liked

00:49:22.900 and I was like, whatever I would, whatever she wants, I would do for her. I just felt those

00:49:29.220 feelings of love for her. Like, and it, and it wasn't sexual at all. You know what I mean? It was

00:49:34.480 pure. It was like, I really care about this girl. Like, will you go with me? Here's a flower.

00:49:40.360 You know, it was these kinds of innocent, like, I really care about you. You're my best friend.

00:49:46.040 And I really want to see you win. And I saw the beauty in a girl, not for her body or anything

00:49:52.620 like that, but she was just beautiful for being her. Dude, that was, it happened to my wife. 1.00

00:49:57.740 And I went, I don't need this. Sex is not what I need. I need this. And this, what I'm describing 0.93

00:50:07.760 is called intimacy. And intimacy means it's someone who knows you, all your faults,

00:50:16.380 all your issues, knows everything about you and loves you regardless. That is what every man is

00:50:24.120 looking for. We think we want sex, but sex is, is sex and love has nothing to do with each other.

00:50:31.540 You know what I mean? You can have sex and no intimacy at all, but intimacy is satisfying.

00:50:39.020 Intimacy, when you're white, when you're the woman that you love, loves you back and knows everything 0.91

00:50:45.220 about you. And let me tell you what the problem was. I wouldn't allow her to know all my faults.

00:50:50.140 When I told my wife and we finally got back together, she was like, I wish you just would

00:50:55.140 have told me. You know what I mean? Like, these are things I was supposed to share with her.

00:51:01.200 And I never did because I was in love with the image and I wanted to keep that image up. And I

00:51:05.740 wanted to just, and it was a fault. It was a deck of cars, a house of cars that all just came crashing

00:51:11.360 down. And all I had to do was be honest and pure from the first place, just like that little kid

00:51:16.660 in love with that 12 year old girl who's 12 and stay there and do our marriage went from,

00:51:24.460 from just to the next 12 years. We have been on a rocket ship because I realized that I was

00:51:36.580 in control of my sexual drive. And I was, I told my body, I said, no, you're going to, you're

00:51:43.360 going to get sex when I tell you, you're going to get it. And this is where I started intermittent 0.99

00:51:48.500 fasting. I was intermittent. I've been intermittent fasting for those same 12 years. I'll tell my body

00:51:53.820 at two o'clock is when you eat, you don't eat anything before that. Even if you have a hunger

00:51:59.660 pain, even whatever, I need to tell you, you're not going to eat until I tell you to eat. And this

00:52:06.500 is the thing that I started to realize when I say true power, it's like, when you realize that you are

00:52:11.840 the master of your body, you are the master of your emotions. You know, you are not the person

00:52:20.260 who says whatever you, you know, the thoughts that come to you are not you, but you are the person who

00:52:26.180 hears it. You know what I'm saying? And it's like, the soul, that thing is you. And it didn't have

00:52:35.560 anything to do with sex or food or anything like that. You know what I mean? But it's got all your

00:52:40.660 passions. It's got everything in you as a man and all your desires, all your goals, all your will,

00:52:47.680 everything you want, everything you need is right there. And man, it was liberating. And I still,

00:52:55.380 still have been going through tons of therapy because another thing about therapy was that

00:52:59.520 in my culture, it was looked down upon. You know what I mean? Like, I think that's just masculine.

00:53:04.620 I think you're maybe alluding to maybe black culture, but I just think that's men culture in

00:53:09.400 general. Yeah. It's men too. See, see, this is the thing I'm, I'm mixed in, in a lot of different

00:53:14.460 things. When you're talking about sports culture, there's black culture, then there's male culture,

00:53:19.260 there's Hollywood culture. And it was all, and it's all has misogyny and these expectations and all

00:53:27.020 this stuff involved. And dude, I decided, Hey man, this therapy stuff, I need it. I need it.

00:53:34.260 And once I started to examine it and just keep going in it and keep traveling, it's a, it's a

00:53:40.600 beautiful journey, man. And I just, but, but you can only do it for yourself. Like I can't tell you,

00:53:47.240 and this is why I wrote the book in stories and the stories that in my life, because you're going to

00:53:55.440 find it in a different way, but hopefully in reading my story, you could say, Oh my God,

00:54:01.660 I see that here. I can do something with this here. You know what I mean? And because first of all,

00:54:07.940 everything that happened to me in that book is true. It's for real, you know, and I can't deny it,

00:54:13.720 but I can tell you this is that I would never go back, man. It's like, I've been, I'm living

00:54:19.220 a new life. It's like a whole nother life. And I love it here. I love it here. There's,

00:54:25.220 there's an old Terry, but also I have to look at it like this too. It's like a series of chess moves

00:54:31.640 that, you know, you have to go backwards, go forward. You have to move all around.

00:54:36.440 Sure. And I don't, I look back at those wrong things and I don't regret them either because they

00:54:42.360 were actually, they showed me the way to go. You know what I'm saying? It's like, Oh, I'm, I'm,

00:54:49.360 I'm just thankful. And that's why I'm the most thankful man in Hollywood, maybe in America, dude,

00:54:54.640 because I know where I could be. If I was still in the dark, you know, I'd be divorced. I'd be mean.

00:55:01.860 And I probably would no longer be in Hollywood. You know, I'm going to say this too, you know,

00:55:06.600 when, when I look at what happened at the Academy of Wars the other day and amen, there was a time I

00:55:12.820 was Will Smith. I could go off at any note in the middle of a hundred million people watching.

00:55:23.400 Right. And you just can't control it. And you get up and you just smack somebody.

00:55:29.420 That's a wild thing. It's, it's, it's amazing me to think about, I could see how, if you insulted

00:55:37.360 me, I could see how I'd go to blows with you. Like one-on-one, I could see how that would happen

00:55:41.040 to have that much, um, to be that emotionally vested in it, that you would literally do it in

00:55:48.820 front of millions and millions of people. There's a different level there. There's no control,

00:55:54.340 but, but I was there. Right. I think we've all been there.

00:55:58.380 I could see it, man. Wait, wait. I did it in front of the streets of Pasadena

00:56:03.700 when in a crowded Christmas shopping, bunch of people everywhere, you know what I mean? And I

00:56:11.100 put this guy on his head on the concrete and people were screaming and running. My wife was like, 0.90

00:56:16.220 what is happening? Hey man, I was Will, but it wasn't until I was Chris Rock that I learned how to

00:56:25.660 take a blow and not let everything fall apart and keep my control. Cause think about what if Chris

00:56:31.820 had fought back? What it would have descended into chaos. The best thing Chris Rock did in that

00:56:39.100 situation. He's like, wow, that was the greatest moment in television history. I'm like, you are

00:56:44.600 exactly right. And oh my gosh, how did you say that in that moment? That was a lot of control right

00:56:50.760 there. But Chris will tell you, listen, man, I know Chris and lately he's been doing tons of therapy.

00:56:58.120 He learned about himself. Now I don't think he should have said the joke. It wasn't personally

00:57:03.260 that funny. I think it's one of his worst jokes to be honest, but the way he handled that, I went,

00:57:09.720 that's power, man. That's power. That's where I need to be. And I did the same thing when that agent,

00:57:18.620 my agent molested me at a party, a Hollywood party back in 2017. And a lot of people, a lot of men

00:57:27.840 didn't still don't understand that. You know, the whole thing was this guy, he was, I don't know what

00:57:32.440 he was drunk or high or whatever. And this guy's the head of the motion picture department at William

00:57:36.940 Morris. And he grabs my crotch. I'm sitting like, yo man. And I push him back like, yo, what are you 0.98

00:57:43.940 doing? And now listen, I don't even drink, Ryan. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I've never been high.

00:57:48.280 I don't do that. You know what I mean? I'll tell you what my issues are. And it was with porn,

00:57:52.540 but I'd never been an alcoholic simply because my father was like that. So I never drink and I was

00:57:58.060 sober. And I was like, what is wrong with this dude? And then he came back at me and I was like,

00:58:02.220 get off of me, man. And my wife was there. And you know what? My wife looked at me and we all played

00:58:09.760 back to those times when I was knocking people out and the whole thing. And I remembered her promise

00:58:14.580 because listen, there's no doubt I could have murdered that guy and wait, and would have been

00:58:20.740 justified, right? Would have been justified. But you know what? Would you have believed me? 0.68

00:58:27.780 Was there anybody in the world that would have believed me if I said, yeah, but he grabbed me?

00:58:32.400 I would have been spawned with anybody in this world. And I'd say, and I beg to tell you, you

00:58:38.180 would, if you say, yeah, I beg to differ. Cause if I would have knocked him out and he would have

00:58:44.780 read, cause I could kill somebody. I ain't going to lie to you. And if he would have been really hurt 0.98

00:58:49.660 and the whole of Hollywood would have been like, Terry Cruz got mad, angry dude who we will never

00:58:57.900 hire again, because he can't control himself. Let me ask you this in those situations. And I'm,

00:59:04.540 and I'm not talking about what other people perceive because they're going to perceive what

00:59:08.080 they will. And you've done with dealt with your fair share of that, but in your own mind, how do you

00:59:13.400 reconcile between, Hey, I'm going to be the bigger man or am I being a little bitch? Right? First of all, 0.98

00:59:20.780 this, this is the thing. First of all, there's levels. You know what I mean? I, when you realize

00:59:28.780 you have the power, if you ever, first of all, you can look at a, there's a example of a bouncer

00:59:35.480 and a little drunk guy who had 15 beers. He doesn't know what's going on. And he's swinging at the

00:59:42.660 bouncer and the bouncer is just standing there looking at him like, okay. Now if the bouncer hauled off

00:59:49.740 and wiped his head, took his head off his shoulders, everybody would look like, Oh damn, 0.99

00:59:55.140 that's too, that's too much. That's too much. Cause you have a responsibility. You understand? 0.97

01:00:00.600 There's a responsibility there because you are the bigger man. You see what I mean? You are,

01:00:05.760 you have more responsibility and you have more power. Listen, if I have a nuclear bomb and you 0.94

01:00:11.340 have a firecracker that can't be the answer to all your problems. You know what I mean? You have more

01:00:18.760 power than you think is what I'm trying to say. Those things, when you do snap, it's because you

01:00:25.760 believe you're powerless. You know, you have, you look at yourself like the big bouncer. I don't care

01:00:32.120 where you are. You can't control this situation and you can be the voice of reason. Now the little

01:00:39.720 bitch thing is a thing where, you know, no one is telling you to sit there and get whipped on 1.00

01:00:46.820 and the whole thing, but you can always, always find ways to do things without, you know, there's 0.98

01:00:52.560 a smarter way to do everything. To me, the little, the little bitch thing is when a guy goes into a 1.00

01:00:57.940 subway with a canister tear gas and start shooting that innocent people. That's as, that's as bitchy as 1.00

01:01:04.840 you can get. You know what I'm saying? Because that stuff is about revenge, about against people 0.92

01:01:10.740 for certain slights and different things. And you're mad at the world and I'm going to get

01:01:16.200 everybody back, whoever did something to me. And it's the weakest, most terrible place to be.

01:01:23.400 And, but I look at the powerful guys, other guys who are in control and the guys who see,

01:01:29.780 you know, we've all experienced somebody who knew how to calm a situation down so that it didn't

01:01:36.360 descend into chaos. You know, I, listen, I grew up with gang members, man, where you stepped on a

01:01:42.240 shoe and three people were going to die that night. Innocence, you know, and it's always some kid.

01:01:48.800 It's like a little nine-year-old gets shot in the head because two gang members going at it, man. 0.75

01:01:54.340 It's the most bitchy thing I've ever seen in my life. And then they do it in a car as 1.00

01:01:59.640 they're screaming by, like they don't even have the confidence to stand up. You see what I'm saying?

01:02:04.500 And then they run like little scared kids. And I go, this is not being a man. It's not,

01:02:12.980 but manhood is really, really about just standing there and being responsible. And what, what,

01:02:19.860 and see the whole term responsible is response ability, your ability to respond. The more ability

01:02:27.600 you have in your response, the more responsible you are. It's dude, it's, it's wild. Because once

01:02:34.560 I started examining all these things and I was like, Oh my God, I was questioning everything,

01:02:39.220 you know, all the stuff I've been told, everybody's like, go get them, go, go do this.

01:02:43.880 Like, no, I'm not going to get baited into that. No. And everybody, you look weak. I'm like, well,

01:02:48.960 today I do. Thank you. But I want, you know, you win by walking away. You know what I mean? Just

01:02:57.420 because you get, you may look weak to somebody and they called you all these names, whatever, man,

01:03:03.120 but that doesn't make it true. And I, I, I said, man, I know now to be that voice, to be that person.

01:03:13.140 This is what happened in the middle of all the 2020 and the whole thing. And people got mad at me

01:03:19.300 for tweeting about, you know, Hey, I decide I'm going to side with good people, no matter they were

01:03:25.280 black or white. I said, I'm not going to get into this, this race thing where everyone is like,

01:03:33.320 you're demonizing white people. And I said, Hey man, I know a lot of good white people.

01:03:38.600 And I said, I know a lot of good people that are really on our side. So I said, I'm not going to,

01:03:44.820 to choose sides that way. And remember to me, reconciliation is more than just

01:03:51.140 is family member to family member. It's also black and white. It's male and female. It's Republican

01:03:57.960 Democrat. Reconciliation goes all the way across the board. Again, that does not mean we have to agree,

01:04:04.520 but we have to live in this place together. And I decided I was going to unify with good,

01:04:12.660 good people, no matter what they were, no matter their race, creed, ideology, ideology. I knew I

01:04:19.180 needed to say that. And it got me, people got mad at me for saying that. I bet. I bet. It was,

01:04:24.960 it was, I saw it, but to me, it was a tough stance to take, but I knew I needed to,

01:04:30.160 because I needed to establish who I was and I needed to not be scared. And see, these are things

01:04:36.160 where someone needed to be the voice of reason. You know, I wanted to be that voice that stood in

01:04:43.120 the middle of the chaos and said, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, let's talk about this. Let's have some nuance

01:04:48.260 about this. You know what I mean? You can't demonize either side. We all have to work on what

01:04:55.700 this is and do. And that's where I still stand. And I will never change from that. Reconciliation

01:05:01.840 is the first and wait, any movement that doesn't start with reconciliation. I don't want any part

01:05:07.940 of, because what you're doing is you're just postponing a war. You know what I mean? It's

01:05:14.080 literally like you take your ball and go home. I take my ball and go home. Eventually you're going

01:05:19.780 to be coming back, fighting. You come back with bats. Then you come back with guns. It's not going to work.

01:05:25.700 We all have to sit down and find a way to work this out. And that's what reconciliation is all

01:05:30.500 about. And I don't even think there's sides. I mean, I know in extreme cases, there are people

01:05:36.260 who are pit against each other who are legitimate enemies because somebody is trying to take what

01:05:40.660 you have or whatever it might be, um, or harm you or people you care about. But for the most part,

01:05:45.540 I don't think there are sides. I think we're all pretty much want the same thing. Um, I think black

01:05:52.520 Americans pretty much want the same thing as white Americans. I think, uh, Republicans want the same

01:05:57.480 thing as Democrats pretty much. Now we might differ, but like the sides thing. And I think social media

01:06:03.680 has, has made this worse, but the sides thing is an issue. It's an issue. It's like, even I even think

01:06:08.920 about your NFL career. It's like, yeah, you know, you might be playing for so-and-so on the other guys

01:06:13.640 on the other team, but also you've agreed so much, not to competition, but cooperation

01:06:18.680 that you're willing to bring a third party in to make sure you guys all play by the rules. And

01:06:23.720 you've agreed if we break the rules, there's consequences to it. So yes, it's competition,

01:06:28.040 but it's also cooperation. That's right. That's right. Listen, we're more, we are more alike

01:06:33.560 than we will ever be not, you know, different. You know what I mean? We are 99.999% alike.

01:06:42.760 Yes. I mean, no matter what, and that's every human being on earth and the differences are so

01:06:50.280 infinitesimal, you know, and you can't blow up the differences, you know, and that's what I refuse to do.

01:06:58.360 And, but, but again, I'm thankful, man. I'm thankful for these revelations because you can see

01:07:05.560 through problems, you know, you look at problems a different way. And I'm just thankful that I

01:07:13.560 realized I'm not fighting people. I'm fighting mindsets, you know, and fighting errant beliefs

01:07:19.560 and, you know, so you don't, you learn not to take it out on people. You can count some of these things.

01:07:24.780 Like I said, someone called me a nigger. I could count it as just ignorance. It's just, they don't 0.95

01:07:29.260 know. And I don't have to get, take it personal and get angry. And I just say, you know, one day

01:07:36.700 they'll find out, you know what I'm saying? And it's a powerful place to be, man. I'm just telling

01:07:43.900 you because I used to be able to be manipulated any which way the wind blew left. I'm going left.

01:07:48.940 The wind blew to the right. There I go, you know, but it feels good to be able to stand and walk

01:07:55.440 where I want to go and just keep going that way, no matter which way the wind is going.

01:08:02.400 It's, it's so refreshing and good to see the depth, because again, I think a lot of people see you

01:08:08.100 as the persona, right? Cause that's what, that's what we get. Like that's, that's the access that we

01:08:14.140 have. And so to see the depth of it is really, really powerful. I loved your book, man. Great

01:08:21.220 book. I'm excited to get it out to the guys. I do have to tell you this. You have a distinct honor.

01:08:27.400 You don't know it, but you have a distinct honor on the order man podcast. I, I posted a picture on

01:08:33.560 Instagram of this book the other day. And my mom said, you're interviewing Terry Cruz. And I said,

01:08:40.520 yeah, I am bro. I've done 350 plus interviews over seven years. Not one single time has my mother ever

01:08:52.860 said, I love that person you're having. She said it about you. Do me a favor, Terry, if you would,

01:08:59.820 will you just say hello to Joan? Thank you for whatever, whatever comes to your mind.

01:09:04.560 You got it. Hey, Joan, how you doing? It's Terry Cruz. I want to thank you for being a fan and just

01:09:13.380 for hanging in with me. Uh, just had a great time with your son on his podcast and, uh, God bless you,

01:09:19.960 Joan. Thank you. Awesome. Awesome. That's going to make your day. Oh, that's good. That's great,

01:09:26.900 man. Thank you. I'm sorry, but I got Siri in the background. No problem. Out of nowhere. I'm like,

01:09:31.600 ah, they're watching us, man. They're watching us. They are always watching and listening. Well,

01:09:36.020 Terry, I appreciate you. Thanks for joining me on the podcast. Keep up the great work. I'm excited

01:09:40.240 to get it out to the guys. I know they are too. Thank you again. I really, really appreciate it.

01:09:44.800 Hey, I am honored, man. Really enjoyed this conversation. Thank you, Ryan.

01:09:50.340 All right, gentlemen, there you go. The one and only Terry Cruz. What, what an incredible

01:09:54.500 conversation. I mean, I knew it would be good. I I've been following Terry for a long time and, uh,

01:10:00.880 I've always been impressed with his candor, but also his level of success and what he's done to

01:10:05.840 improve himself in his own life. Uh, I hope that it was valuable for you. And I would highly,

01:10:11.060 highly encourage you to pick up a copy of his newest book, tough. Uh, I really enjoyed it. And

01:10:16.300 of course, it's going to be an extension of, of this podcast if you did. So guys connect with me,

01:10:20.800 uh, connect with Terry. I have one ask if you would just before this podcast ends,

01:10:25.680 just take a really quick screenshot, post it up on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, wherever,

01:10:30.780 uh, and tag Terry tag myself. This is good. Not only for those guys, because we want to promote

01:10:36.940 Terry and the people that have coming on the podcast, but it's also good for us because

01:10:40.520 that lets other people know that you're listening to the podcast. And then it lets our guests know

01:10:46.740 that we have an audience that is engaged with the work we're doing here.

01:10:51.600 And it helps us get other high caliber, high quality guests. So we can learn from those.

01:10:57.400 We can dissect the way that they've improved their own lives. So these are little small things

01:11:02.040 you can do, leave a rating and review, take a screenshot, tag me, tag Terry, small things you

01:11:07.200 guys can do, uh, to help boost and promote the visibility of what we're doing here. And I was

01:11:12.980 thinking about it the other day. Somebody was asking me why I don't do a podcast ads. And they asked

01:11:20.120 how much money I'm leaving on the table by not doing ads guys. I'm, I'm literally leaving

01:11:25.860 five figures on the table, uh, each month by not doing podcast ads. And I don't want to

01:11:31.840 do podcast ads. I want to talk about the things that I want to talk about and the things that

01:11:35.380 I know are important to you. So please engage, help promote, share, buy a hat, buy a product,

01:11:43.700 um, take a screenshot, leave a review, small, simple things that don't cost you any time or money

01:11:48.700 necessarily, or maybe 20 bucks or whatever for a hat. And it helps support what we're doing here.

01:11:53.360 And it helps me bring on, which is important to me right now, bring on the team and the staff and

01:11:59.320 the right people in the right places to be able to advance this mission, to reclaim and restore

01:12:03.640 masculinity. So do me a solid promote, share support, and I'm not going to bring on ads, but we 0.98

01:12:12.700 need to create the revenue to be able to build this thing even more than we have before. Okay. All

01:12:17.520 right. That's all I've got. Connect with Terry, connect with me. I hope you enjoyed the podcast.

01:12:22.100 Subscribe, make sure you check out the Squire program on May 28th at squireprogram.com slash

01:12:27.820 Ryan. And, uh, hopefully we'll see you out there. Oh, also one of the thing, we've got a live event

01:12:33.940 happening May 7th, May 7th in Sacramento area. Uh, and if you're interested in that, you can go to

01:12:41.300 manuncaged.com manuncaged.com. There's a, uh, ticket that you can buy in person. You're going to

01:12:48.120 meet me and Bedros and Steven Mansfield and Tanner Guzzi and Matt Boudreau and Jack Donovan.

01:12:54.640 The, the, the, the people we have coming out are awesome. Ray care is going to be out there,

01:12:58.420 I believe. Uh, or you can buy, uh, so that you can buy that ticket or you can get a virtual ticket,

01:13:04.140 which is free. Uh, you can do that all at manuncaged.com. If you want the live version in

01:13:09.680 person, manuncaged.com slash life. All right, guys, that's all I've got for you today. We'll

01:13:14.020 be back tomorrow for ask me anything until then go out there, take action and become the man you

01:13:18.840 are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge

01:13:23.900 of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at order of

01:13:29.080 man.com.

Order of Man - April 26, 2022

TERRY CREWS ｜ The Path to True Masculine Power

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