The 4 Stages of Manhood | FRIDAY FIELD NOTES
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Summary
The 4 Stages of Manhood - What should you be doing in your twenties, your thirties, your forties, and so on? This episode is based on a conversation that gets brought up quite often in our brotherhood, the Iron Council.
Transcript
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You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart
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your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.
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You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who
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you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,
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you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Brian Michler,
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and I am the host and the founder of this podcast and the Order of Man movement. Man,
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we're living in some crazy times. I hope that the information that we've been sharing over the past
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five years is proving to be valuable for you. I think those of you who have used and implemented
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any of the resources and the tools and the information from the conversations that we're
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having, you will see an improvement in your life, especially during these trying times and your
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ability to lead your family, yourself, your community, your business, every facet of your
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life. So if you are new, we're doing interviews. You get to hear from me today, your Friday field
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notes on some thoughts I have about manhood and masculinity. We've got our ask me anything over
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the past couple of weeks. In fact, we've been doing and releasing two of our interviews, just trying
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to wrap, ramp up the content for you guys is I know there's a lot of downtime and some time to listen
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and ponder some of these things that normally we don't get time to think about in the, in the fast
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pace lives that we live. So anyways, got a, got an interesting one for you today. Um, it's based
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on a conversation that gets brought up quite a bit in our exclusive brotherhood, the iron council,
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which you can check out at order of man.com slash iron council. Uh, it's also a topic that gets brought
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up quite a bit in our Facebook group, which you can check out at facebook.com slash groups slash order
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of man. And the topic that gets brought up quite often is what should I be doing in my twenties or
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what should I be doing in my thirties or my forties and so on. So I thought what I do today is talk with
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you about the four stages of manhood. Uh, these are not hard and fast rules or stages, but you guys will
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get the idea as I go through it and give you some pointers and some tips on some things that you should
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be considering, uh, during each of these stages of your life. So I am going to get to that in a minute.
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I do want to make a mention of our show sponsors and talk about something, uh, a little different
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than I normally would. Uh, obviously these guys have been sponsoring the show for a while. It's
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origin main, uh, they're close personal friends of mine. And of course I love their products and,
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and their business and their story and everything they're doing. But, uh, if you're looking to support
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the past week or so in making, uh, masks that you can wear and also face shields for, uh, the medical
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uh, their initial purchase order for 7,500 of these, uh, face shields. And this is something
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obviously they don't typically do, but in the wake of, uh, the coronavirus fallout and, uh, the call
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for face shields, face masks, these guys really stepped up to the plate. So you may not need this
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amazing things in the wake of what we're dealing with across the globe. So go check it out. Origin
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Maine as in the state, Maine origin, Maine.com. And, uh, you can check out those face shields and
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face masks and everything else they're doing as well. Again, origin, Maine.com. All right, guys,
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let's get into it again. This is the four stages of manhood based on the questions that I get quite
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often from members who ask about what they should be doing during these certain stages. Also, it
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happens to be the, uh, the thing that we're talking about inside of our exclusive brotherhood,
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the iron council this month, which is titled the life examined. So we're going to be examining inside
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the iron council, these different stages, considering what we should be doing during these stages
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and then really stepping into it. Um, and, uh, and being the type of men that we, we have a desire
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to be. All right. So if you are interested in that again, order of man.com slash iron council.
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So let me break this down first, and then we'll go back and we'll review each one. Uh, the first
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stage is boyhood and guys, please don't get, uh, tripped up on what I decided to call these.
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It doesn't really matter. Hopefully this is a framework that you guys will understand.
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Uh, and if you have a better term, then let me know, because this is something I plan on exploring
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even more. So the first one is boyhood. Uh, I define this stage from age six to 18. Now,
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the reason that I started at age six, in fact, I'll get to that in a minute. So let me go through
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all four and then we'll go back to this. So, uh, boyhood from six to 18, then we have young man.
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And I would, I would consider young man from 18 to about 30, maybe even younger, 25, somewhere in
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there. Uh, this is a young man. This is somebody who's trying to figure out their way. Uh, and then
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you move into man, right? And that, that stage is from 30 to 50 years old and me at 30, almost nine
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fall right into the middle of the stage. And I'll talk about how we define the stage of man.
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Uh, and then the, the last stage, the fourth stage that I wanted to talk with you about is elder
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and elder is, uh, is 50 plus. So if you're over 50, then I would consider you to be in the elder stage.
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So let's go back and we'll break each one of these down. We'll talk about some shoulds and
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some should not some do's and do nots. And, uh, we'll hash some of this stuff out and we'll
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hopefully identify why this is so important that we address this. So again, let's come back to
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boyhood. Now I said six to 18. The reason I say six is because I've seen this in my own boys.
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Uh, I have three boys and I have one little girl and I've got a, a 12 year old, a nine year old.
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My group, my little girl is six and my youngest boy is three. So in my two oldest boys that are 12 and
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nine, uh, I really saw a big change by the time they turned six, seven years old. Uh, up until
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that point, if you have boys, you understand this, uh, they're still connected with mom. Uh, they're
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still, uh, trying to figure out, you know, what types of things they like to play with and what
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they like to do, but they don't really exhibit the competitiveness, the aggression, the, uh, the
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same characteristics and traits that we see in, in boys. They don't develop that until a little bit
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later. Now, obviously, you know, my three-year-old is, is physical. He's, he's a little rough,
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probably a roughest one. Uh, he likes cars. He likes Legos. He likes boy things, but really at,
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at about age six is where they want to start playing catch and they want to get into competitive
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sports. And you can see that something changes around that time. And maybe it's later, maybe it's
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younger, but it's around there. Uh, and then of course, all the way up until age 18. Now during boyhood,
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uh, these, these young boys are trying to figure out who, who they are and who they're supposed to
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be, which is why you see a lot of, uh, uh, backtalk. It's a lot of why you see them testing the bounds
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and, and, and pushing the limits and seeing how far they can go and taking risks because they're
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trying to figure out their role in the world and they don't quite know it yet. And so what they're
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doing is they're looking at role models and all too often. And unfortunately, most of our young boys
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role models, uh, are, are a distant role model, like an actor or an entertainer or an athlete,
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and they don't have any direct contact with that individual. Uh, or it's, or it's a woman,
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you know, it's their, it's a mother, it's their school teacher, it's whoever's doing daycare for
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them. And so they're surrounded primarily and increasingly by women, which is very unfortunate.
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Not that it's bad that women are watching their children at all. Uh, it's unfortunate that we don't
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see as much male presence in these, these young boys lives, because as they're trying to figure out
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who they are and their role and where they fit into society, if they don't have a healthy dose of
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masculinity and manliness surrounding them, coaching them, guiding them, instructing them,
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disciplining them, uh, then they're going to fall short. And I see this so often in our Facebook group
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and the conversations I'm having from, uh, those who are in the young man stage or man stage,
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or even elder stage who never grew up, uh, with, with a permanent father figure, didn't really have
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a coach or a mentor, uh, in their lives. And they, they flounder, they struggle. And they're really
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trying to figure out where they fit into the world, even at age 20, 30, 40 years old, because they never
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got this as a child. So most of us listening, in fact, I'm sure 99.9999% of us listening are past this
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boyhood stage. Although I know there are some young men in high school who do listen to the podcast,
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but most of us are past this stage. So why would I even talk about it? I talk about it because I want
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you to realize the importance of looking back and assisting these young boys. They need our help.
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They need our guidance. They need our counsel. They need our instruction and discipline. And if we
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aren't willing to look back and to help those individuals, because we're so wrapped up and so
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consumed in our own lives, we're doing them a huge disservice and we're setting them up for potential
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failure and confusion, a lot of heartache and frustration down the road. These are eventually
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boys who aren't going to know how to lead their families, lead themselves, uh, start businesses,
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engage in, in their communities and do the things that generally we would think of as, as being manly.
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Uh, I think it is Douglas Wilson who said, if boys don't learn, men won't know.
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So if you see a man who doesn't know something that you would generally consider or assume that all
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men do know or should know, it isn't necessarily a knock on that individual. It could be that they
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never learned because they never had the influence they needed to learn these things. So all of us who
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are past, whether we're in the young man stage, the man stage, or the elder stage really ought to think
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hard about the young boys in our households, our children, uh, even nephews, uh, or, or relatives,
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uh, also neighbors and boys in the neighborhood who you can coach through sports teams and scouts and
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trail life and all of these other organizations, uh, big brothers programs, uh, and really help these
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young boys who need it. So that's the first stage again, six to 18, uh, is boyhood. And maybe even with
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young man, which I said, 18 to 30, that could actually happen earlier too. I mean, if you have
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a situation where a young boy needs to step up, maybe he's 16, 15, 16, 17, and he needs to step up
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in a big way and help and get a job and has some responsibility and some accountability. Well, then
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he turns into this a young man sooner than, uh, a lot of other people based on modern times and
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popular culture. I mean, you still see 30 year olds living, living with mommy and daddy in their
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basement. They never graduated from this boyhood stage and turned into a young man. Uh, and what's
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the difference? You know, what is the difference between boyhood and manhood? Well, the difference
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is personal accountability and responsibility. That's part of it. And then the other component
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of it is that you turn into a producer, a young boy. So if you're in that boyhood stage,
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say age six to 18, a young boy consumes more than he produces, right? He's out there consuming
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resources because you got to feed him and you got to clothe him and you've got to house him
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and you've, and there's responsibility that it's on you, right? If something happens and
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the accountability falls on you as a father or a mentor or an uncle that all falls back
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on you, right? But when you transition from boy to young man, now that responsibility is
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all on you and you become the producer, or at least that's the objective. The way that a boy
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turns into a man is he learns to produce more than he consumes. So if you take me or any number
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of you who are listening, the idea is that we, we produce, right? We, we make an income,
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we provide safety and security and protection. We lead, we add our skillset to the table, to
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our families and to our businesses and the neighborhoods and the, and the charitable organizations
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that we're serving on. We produce, right? And because we produce and we give back and we learn
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how to add value to situations. That's why we're able to wear or hold the title of man.
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But if you're a, if you're a young man, age 18 to 30, or even older, and you aren't producing,
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you're consuming more than you produce your, your gobbling up resources and not adding any
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to the pie. Well, you're still in that boyhood stage, which is why I was hesitant to put numbers
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on this in the first place, because yeah, there are some general guidelines here, but I see a
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lot of men who fall outside of the stage that they would traditionally fall under. So it has
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less to do with age and more to do with maturity, personal accountability, responsibility, et cetera,
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et cetera. So what should a young man be doing in, in this stage from 18 to 30? This is the one I get
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questions about more often than the others. And it's it's because it's something that gets brought up.
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This is why I wanted to talk about it today is, you know, what, what is it, what does a young man
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do during this time? Well, he's gaining education, right? He's learning, he's experiencing. And the
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thing that I usually will tell people who fall into the stage, who ask, you know, what should I be
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doing in my twenties? Really at this point, it's a process of experimentation. The, the risks are low.
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The responsibilities, although they are there, cause you have to take care of yourself.
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The responsibilities for, and to other people are significantly lower than they'll ever be
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significantly lower than when you get married. And then when you have kids and a job and a career
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and a business and everything else you're pursuing, this is a, a pretty free time for you.
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And this is a great opportunity to say yes to a lot of things, to travel, to try different jobs,
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to invest, to pick up new hobbies and to follow along with different people and learn from them and
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grow from them and really just be open and receptive to acquiring knowledge and information
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and experiences and everything that you possibly can. So that when you move into these later stages
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of man and elder, you will have the proper experience under your belt, the wins, the failures,
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the victories, the setbacks that you can then draw upon those lessons and make the type of life that
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you want for yourself as you do mature. And as you get older. So if you are young, maybe you're going
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to college, maybe you're starting in a career path. Maybe you don't quite know what it is you
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want to do yet. Then this is the perfect moment and it will not get any easier. Time will not free
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up. And that's something I hear from a lot of people. Oh, when I have more time or next year,
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when, when things settle down, guys, I'm telling you right now, if you fall into the young man stage,
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things don't settle down. All right. They change the dynamic of your life will change,
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but it's certainly not going to settle down. You're going to start having kids. You're probably
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going to get married. You're going to start advancing in your career. There's going to be
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designations or certifications that you need to get. There's going to be things that you want to
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do personally to improve and work on yourself. So nothing is going to get easier than it is right
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now in your current stage. And that's not to say that you should live there perpetually because
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there's a lot of benefit and blessing that come from shouldering additional responsibility as you do
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get older and you turn into a man and then eventually transition into that elder stage that we'll talk
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about in a little bit. So if you're listening to this and you're in the young man stage, 18 to
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mid twenties, maybe even late twenties really consider what experiences you're gaining. Are you trapped
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right now? Are you, are you doing what you're quote unquote supposed to do? Are you, are you towing the
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line or are you taking some risk and taking some chances and looking for opportunities to, to grow
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and to expand and to have new experiences that you may not never get the chance to again? That's what
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you should be doing in your young man stage and taking risk and really, and really looking for
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those opportunities. All right. So then you move into this, this, what I call manhood stage. I wish I
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could have come up with a better name for it. And maybe you guys have a better name for it, but this
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manhood stage, this is some, this is where I consider if you're 30 to 50 years old, now you're a man.
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All right. You're, you're probably at this point married or in some sort of committed relationship.
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Maybe you're moving towards marriage. You probably have one or two or three kids. Now I got married
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young. I was 23 when I got married. So I was still in that young man stage early in that young man stage.
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And then we started having kids at, I was 27, I believe. Is that right? Yes. 27. Cause my son
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just turned 12 a couple of days ago yesterday, in fact. So yeah, I did this a little bit early,
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but you know, typically when you're in your thirties to your fifties, that's where you start
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to develop family. You get a little bit further down in your career. You're probably done with
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your formal education, not learning, but your formal education. And you're really starting to
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figure out who you are. You know, at 39 years old, uh, I am, I am more comfortable and secure
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and confident in who I am than I have ever been in my entire life. And this is the, the underlying
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theme of this manhood stage is that you start to develop a sense of confidence because you understand
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who you are, what makes you tick, how you work, why you've been successful, where you failed,
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and you start to draw upon three decades or more three, four decades of experience that allows
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you to step into who you are. So if you're in this stage, this manhood stage, age 30 to 50,
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and you're not feeling like you're confident, you're not feeling like, you know, the path you're
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meant to walk. You're not feeling sure-footed, I guess is a great way to say it. Then it's probably
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safe to say that you miss some opportunities in the boyhood stage or the young man stage,
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or you never graduated from those stages. And guys, this is the point of stages, right? You're
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supposed to graduate. You're supposed to evolve. You're supposed to grow. And so at this point,
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you probably have new friends because a lot of the guys that you were hanging out with in the young
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man stage are still stuck in the young man stage. Not because they've, they, they are the same age,
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but because their maturity level is the same age. So you have their age, right? Their actual age,
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physical age, physiological age, and then you have their maturity. And a lot of these guys just don't
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mature. So you need to start looking at mentors and peers who are, who are growing, who are expanding,
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who are doing the things that you want to be doing, who are succeeding. And you need to make friends
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with those individuals. You need to, again, produce more than you consume. You need to
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understand how to use your resources wisely. You should start taking care of your body because
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you're going to notice that, you know, a little bit more docile life is going to build some,
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some weight around the midsection and you're going to need a little bit more sleep. And there's a lot
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of changes that you're going to need to adjust for, but you have the capacity and the margin to be able
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to do that. Financially, you should be starting to get out of debt. If there's school debt or personal
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loans or whatever it may be, medical bills, that stuff should start getting paid off. And you should
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be looking at growing your business or developing and getting degrees and designations to advance in
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your career. And you're going to start leading people and serving them in the way that you know
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how best based on the past three and four decades of experience. I'm just telling you at this stage is
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where you become, you come into your own a little bit. And I got to tell you, it feels good. It does
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feel good to be in this stage. And that's not to say that I've grown complacent. That's not to say
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that you should grow complacent when you get into this manhood stage. It's just to say that you've
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built the, you've built the footings, you've built the foundation that will allow you to get to that
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next level, which is to continue now to raise your kids and to see your sons through manhood and to
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help raise your daughter into a fine young woman and to help lead with your wife and to help her
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have the life that she's after and to help your clients get what it is they're wanting and to help
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you grow your bank account and have these experiences. This is such an amazing time.
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And I would encourage anybody who has not transitioned from this young man stage. If you're
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at the ages of 30 to 50 years old, you got to start looking at more mature men so that you can do what
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they're doing and you can reap the benefits and the rewards that come with this added level of
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responsibility. And I believe that at this age, this is where the most responsibility in your life
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will lie. You've got a lot of bills to pay. You've got kids to feed. You've got a roof that you got to
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put over your head and other people potentially have employees. This is a challenging time by way of
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responsibilities, but it's also very fulfilling. It's very rewarding. There's a lot of satisfaction that
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comes from knowing that you are the man that you are, uh, important in your community and your
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neighborhood, your family, the charitable organizations, your church, wherever it is that
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you're, you're serving and filling in. And then last guys is getting into elder. This elder stage is,
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is from 50 years old and older. And this, this opportunity is for you. Now, the way that you serve
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is by giving back, you're at a stage now where, uh, you're, you're deep into your career. Probably,
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uh, your, your home is, is getting paid off. The kids are probably, uh, getting out of the house,
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if not already out of the house. And, and now you have, you're an empty nester, right? And so you can
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serve a little bit more, maybe in your community, or there's an organization or a charity, uh, that you
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really like to participate in, or you'd like to coach. And maybe you have some grandkids at this point,
00:22:26.760
or you're getting close, but these are moments where you get to take all of your five, six,
00:22:32.400
seven, eight decades of experience on this, on this planet and pay it forward, turn around and
00:22:40.360
give that knowledge and that experience back to the people who, who need it to the men who are
00:22:46.280
in boyhood stage and young man stage and manhood stage. This is the opportunity to serve them.
00:22:51.620
And this is the responsibility that you have. So as, as, as a man in the manhood stage,
00:22:57.380
30 to 50 years old, your responsibility was to yourself, to your children, to your wife,
00:23:02.000
to your clients, to an employer. And now in this elder stage, you're starting to transition into
00:23:06.920
my responsibility. And it is a responsibility to more. In fact, it's a moral obligation that you
00:23:13.100
have to give back to those who are coming behind you. And this is a moment to really step into that,
00:23:19.320
to find value and maybe not raising a family necessarily, but in giving back and paying
00:23:24.420
forward, the knowledge that you've acquired, the experience that you have, the memories that
00:23:29.120
you've made and everything that you've enjoyed. So this is a quick synopsis of the four stages of,
00:23:34.600
of manhood again, boyhood from six to 18. I keep looking down here. If you're watching the video,
00:23:39.680
cause I'm looking at my notes. Then you have young man from 18 to 30, then you have manhood from 30 to
00:23:45.540
50. And then you have your elder from 50 plus. Again, this is a quick synopsis of those stages,
00:23:52.300
but I want, I want to get you thinking about where you fall in, into this and where you need to start
00:23:59.060
looking to and the things that you need to start engaging in and how you can step more fully into
00:24:04.180
the role that you are now. And then thinking forward about the role that you will eventually
00:24:08.780
step into. What is it that you need to get, get, get addressed? What is it that you need to fix?
00:24:14.560
Do you need to fix your finances? Do you need to fix your health? Do you need to fix your mind?
00:24:18.340
What books do you need to read? What men do you need to be surrounded by? What responsibilities do
00:24:23.420
you need to take upon yourself and put on your shoulders so you can do the work of men?
00:24:28.320
This is a great opportunity as you're listening to this, to think about where you fall, where you
00:24:32.560
should be falling, where other men are falling and how you can step more fully into the role that
00:24:36.960
you're playing now, and then help other men in the roles that they are playing based on what stage of
00:24:41.380
life they're at. We're going to explore this a lot more. We're going to go in depth and really
00:24:47.100
discuss what each of these means and why they're important and how we can serve more effectively
00:24:51.180
and what we can do specifically tactically within each one of these stages. And we'll do that over
00:24:56.780
the coming months. We're also going to be doing that inside the iron council. If you are interested
00:25:01.660
in the brotherhood that we have over there, and we have men from all stages from boyhood, because we
00:25:06.660
have young, those who are 18, 19, 20 years old to young men, to manhood, to elder, we've got it all.
00:25:12.500
And we're tapping into all of the collective knowledge that we have and sharing that with
00:25:17.640
each other, challenging through weekly challenges, completing assignments and tasks and projects,
00:25:23.500
advancing and improvements and achievements that are available in the iron council. And it's a,
00:25:28.340
it's a pretty phenomenal resource for the men who are tapping in and doing the work.
00:25:32.000
So if you are interested in checking that out, then head to order of man.com slash iron council.
00:25:37.780
All right, guys, my goal with this podcast was to bring those to your attention as we consider
00:25:42.540
exploring these over the coming months, even more, and to get you thinking about where you stand
00:25:46.920
and what you need to do within each one of your stages of manhood. I hope that helps and gives you
00:25:53.120
some insight. Please, if you would share this with a friend, a brother, a colleague, a coworker,
00:25:57.160
your father, your uncle, your nephew, whoever, another man that needs to hear this message,
00:26:01.740
of reclaiming and restoring masculinity. And again, I'll reiterate as I did to open up this
00:26:06.640
conversation today, that we're seeing why we're seeing why in these troublesome times,
00:26:13.800
why the movement to reclaim and restore masculinity is so critical. And we can see it in the men that
00:26:22.020
we interact with the men that we admire and respect. Those are the men who are living the
00:26:27.060
virtues that we've been talking about. And I want you to be able to live those virtues and step into
00:26:30.820
those virtues and those roles. Because as challenging as the responsibility is, there's a lot of
00:26:35.860
blessing and satisfaction and fulfillment that comes with it. We'll be back next week for our
00:26:40.820
interview series and then our ask me anything. And of course, another Friday field notes. But guys,
00:26:44.780
until then, go out there, take action and become the man you are meant to be.
00:26:48.840
Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You ready?