Order of Man - The Art of the Ask ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart

00:00:04.980 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.460 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.200 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.780 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler.

00:00:27.420 I'm your host and the founder of this, the Order of Man podcast and movement. Welcome here

00:00:31.800 and welcome back. Today, I want to talk with you about why it's so important that you learn to ask

00:00:37.160 for what you want. Too many of us as men are passive. We're complacent. We just get by.

00:00:42.580 We hope that things are going to fall into our laps, whether it's a business proposition,

00:00:46.820 a promotion, a raise, starting a business, asking a woman on a date, relationship building.

00:00:51.480 We assume, I guess, that people are going to read our minds and the reality is they're not.

00:00:57.840 And they're not going to put themselves in any sort of position or go out of their way to give

00:01:03.360 you what you want if you're not willing to vocalize it. And I've seen a lot of men fall

00:01:08.080 short of what they want because they don't ask. And we all know this. We've all heard this,

00:01:14.400 that the greatest reason, I shouldn't say the greatest, the most abundant reason or the reason

00:01:22.420 that people don't get what they want most is because they don't ask, right? They don't ask

00:01:25.780 for the sale. They don't ask for the date. They don't ask for the promotion. They don't ask for

00:01:29.740 the raise, et cetera, et cetera. So what I'm going to do today is I'm going to share with you five key

00:01:33.840 things that you can incorporate right now today. Some of them are mindsets. And we're also going to

00:01:39.220 talk about what action you can take to build up your ability to ask for what you want in

00:01:44.340 life. Now, before I get to that, I do want to ask you in the spirit of this podcast, two things.

00:01:49.380 Number one, if you would go in and just leave a rating and review, wherever you listen to podcasts,

00:01:54.000 we've got thousands, thousands and thousands of reviews. This goes a very long way in promoting

00:01:58.520 the visibility of what we're doing and helps other men see what we're doing so they can learn

00:02:02.420 and gain value from the conversations and resources that we have. Number two, we have our very first event

00:02:08.760 for 2024, which is available now. This is the order of man uprising. It's 20 men. We've already

00:02:14.120 got 12 spots filled, 20 men who are all going to descend into Southern Utah for three and a half

00:02:20.620 days. We're going to work together. We're going to actually go through our battle planning system

00:02:26.020 so that when you walk away after three and a half days, you're going to have a very, very clear idea,

00:02:31.260 maybe for the first time in your life, exactly what you should be doing and how to do it and how

00:02:36.300 to make this the best quarter yet of your life, hopefully. And then we're going to also do some

00:02:40.800 team building exercises. We're going to push on each other. We're going to hold each other

00:02:44.380 accountable and we're going to help you level up and walk away with a new found sense of direction,

00:02:50.200 clarity, purpose, and confidence in your relationships, in your business, and in your life.

00:02:54.720 If you're interested, do it quickly because spots are filling up. You can check out that video for the

00:03:00.500 event and get registered at order of man.com slash uprising order of man.com slash uprising.

00:03:06.480 Now let's talk about this asking questions. I'll just jump right in, excuse me, asking for what

00:03:11.400 you want, not necessarily asking questions, asking for what you want. I'll jump right into this today.

00:03:15.900 And again, I've got five key points for you. Number one is first and foremost, you have to know what

00:03:20.300 you want. Too many men are not spending any time thinking about what they want in life. They're just

00:03:25.780 kind of running around haphazardly. Hopefully something will fall into their laps and they're operating in a

00:03:31.760 default mindset, which is just whatever happens to me is life. And I'm just destined to live this

00:03:37.300 sort of life. They don't spend any time planning. They don't spend any time thinking about what they

00:03:41.760 want. And from a tactical perspective, what I would encourage you to do, because we know this,

00:03:46.280 the data suggests that those individuals who write down their goals and desires and dreams are

00:03:51.620 significantly more likely to accomplish those things. And yet we don't carve out time to do that.

00:03:56.820 Uh, I've got my battle planning system right here. I use this every single day without fail.

00:04:02.940 And I suggest that you do as well. We're going to talk about this from a practical approach,

00:04:06.820 write down what you want to accomplish today, write down what your goals and your dreams and

00:04:11.640 your desires and your aspirations are. Because again, if you do, we know that you're more likely

00:04:16.040 to accomplish those things. Now we can talk about how to work backwards into that, but I think it's

00:04:20.660 important that we identify what we want. We can do that on the relationship front. What kind of

00:04:24.800 relationship are you looking for with, with your wife? Maybe things aren't going as well as you

00:04:29.660 would like them to go. And you've been coasting and cruising and in that default mode for a period

00:04:34.580 of time. And, uh, and you're hoping for something more. Well, guys, it's not just going to manifest

00:04:39.180 itself. I know there's a lot of people out there who would say, Oh, if you visualize it and you manifest

00:04:44.800 in your dreams. And I don't believe that if you want to manifest what you want, then you actually

00:04:50.180 have to be vocal about what you want. So that might be a conversation with your wife and it might go 0.78

00:04:54.700 something like this. Hey, hon, I know we're in a rut. We're having a hard time right now. I feel

00:04:58.840 like we're drifting further and further apart. And what I want out of the relationship is somebody

00:05:03.140 that can be open and honest with somebody that supports me, somebody that I can support somebody

00:05:07.760 that can help me lean on them and they can lean on me. And we can walk through this life hand in hand

00:05:12.200 as a couple, as a partnership. And I don't really feel like I'm getting that right now. What I would

00:05:17.380 like to do is to spend some time in the evenings after the kids go to bed, maybe talking about our day

00:05:23.420 and our dreams and goals and desires, or maybe we can do a little staycation this weekend and we can

00:05:29.080 do some, some goal setting and goal planning. And I can hear from you what you want and what hasn't

00:05:34.100 gone well and what has gone well in the relationship. But I would like to do that. Are you open to that?

00:05:38.740 And I think generally speaking, most women are probably going to be very appreciative of your

00:05:44.220 ability to assert yourself and tell them exactly what you want. It could be in the bedroom. Maybe the sex

00:05:50.820 life isn't where you want it to be. And rather than just hoping she's going to show up the way

00:05:54.680 you want her to show up, maybe ask her, maybe, maybe suggest some things that you like, or talk

00:05:59.400 about the type of sex or intimacy that you guys want to have together. And I know for most of us,

00:06:04.120 that might be an uncomfortable conversation, but it gets easier the more you do it. And I'll talk more

00:06:08.860 about that later in the podcast, but you've got to ask, you've got to vocalize and you've got to be

00:06:14.280 very clear. If you're at work and you want a promotion, you have to talk to your boss about the

00:06:19.240 promotion and you have to articulate why it makes sense for him or her to promote you. If you can't

00:06:24.500 articulate that, they're not for the most part going to step up and graciously offer to pay you more

00:06:29.560 money for the same amount of work you're currently doing. You have to exert yourself. So what I would

00:06:34.900 do is spend some time this weekend thinking about what you want in your relationship, in your business,

00:06:40.520 of yourself, your body, your physical fitness, your spiritual journey, and maybe even identify those

00:06:48.020 people who can help you get what you want, your wife, your colleagues, your coworkers, your friends,

00:06:52.120 your boss, your supervisor, et cetera, et cetera. So number one, know what you want. Can't ask for

00:06:58.180 something you don't know you want. Number two, know what you offer. I think this is a big reason

00:07:03.480 that so many men don't ask for what they want, especially in the sales world, because they're

00:07:08.240 afraid of coming across as that guy. Heaven forbid you ask somebody for the sale because you don't want

00:07:13.480 to be that cheesy slime ball salesman that we're all familiar with. Well, if you know the value that

00:07:19.340 you offer in this world, especially in this context, as an employee or as a financial advisor or a coach

00:07:27.160 or a consultant or whatever your title is, you're going to have an easier time asking people for their

00:07:32.860 time, for their attention, for their money, for their resources, for whatever it is that you need from

00:07:36.900 them, because you know that it's a trade-off. This is not a one side arrangement. For example,

00:07:41.940 when we go back to that relationship question with your wife, you asking for what you want does not

00:07:47.580 come at her expense. And if it does, that's not a good arrangement and you probably shouldn't be

00:07:52.580 asking that. But for the most part, what ends up happening is that you ask for what you want and

00:07:57.100 the relationship is better and it serves not only you, but it serves her as well. If you're asking for

00:08:02.780 a promotion and you just want the promotion without extra work, that's a one-sided arrangement and you

00:08:07.600 got to be a little ashamed for asking for something like that. But if you know what you offer and you

00:08:13.220 know the value you provide and you're willing and able to articulate what that value is, then this is

00:08:18.480 just an exchange of value. It's no longer you taking from the relationship. It's reciprocity.

00:08:24.020 Hey, I would like to get this promotion. I would like to make more money. And in exchange, here's what

00:08:29.280 I think I can do for the organization. So your employer wins and you win. We're looking for win-win

00:08:36.340 environments, win-win situations. And knowing what you offer to other people is going to play a huge

00:08:42.860 part in that. Now, if you don't know what you offer or you don't think you offer anything, you're really

00:08:47.640 not in the position to ask people for them to sacrifice for you. Think about what you offer and

00:08:55.940 have some confidence in your abilities, your skill sets, and your desire to move forward. Now, look,

00:09:03.080 if you're not confident with where you are right now, let's say in a professional environment,

00:09:07.160 and therefore you don't feel confident asking for a promotion, then the first step, this is as a

00:09:11.460 bonus, is develop a skill set. Learn how to sell. Learn how to add value to the organization. Learn what

00:09:17.320 the organization is about. Go to courses. Purchase courses. Go to conferences, I should say. Purchase

00:09:24.300 courses. Learn everything you can. Get designations and degrees and credentials because that's going to

00:09:30.880 help you get exactly what you want. Not through osmosis, not by somebody recognizing it, but you

00:09:35.560 having the confidence in yourself to ask exactly for what you want. Guys, number three, I don't want

00:09:40.240 you to attach your worth to rejection because many of the times when we ask for what we want, we get

00:09:45.600 rejected. And then what do we do? We pout, we moan, and we bitch, and we complain, and we gripe, and we

00:09:50.020 feel sorry for ourselves. That's not what we're going to do. If you are going to take that path, then you're

00:09:55.780 less likely to ask people for what you want because you know it has a consequence that you're not

00:10:00.900 really willing to deal with. If you can learn to ask for what you want in a business, personal,

00:10:07.200 or professional setting, and you're not attached to the answer as a litmus test for your self-worth,

00:10:17.580 then I think you're more likely to ask those questions. Now, I'm not saying that you should be

00:10:21.300 okay with a no. We shouldn't. We need to evaluate why that was a no and what we might need to do

00:10:26.080 better in our personal and professional lives. But it's just nothing about your worth. So for example,

00:10:31.660 if you see a beautiful woman who happens to be, let's say they work at a office just down the office 1.00

00:10:39.380 from yours, and you want to approach this woman and ask her on a date, and she says no, we can't assume

00:10:46.360 that it's even really personal. I mean, it might be to some degree, but she might have her own things

00:10:52.260 going on, or there might be other reasons. And we can't attach our worth to her saying no. There's

00:11:00.320 still plenty of worth in who you are. And just because one person might say no doesn't mean another

00:11:06.260 won't say yes. So let's avoid this temptation for us to tie up our self-worth in whether or not

00:11:15.000 we're validated through an approval of a question or a denial of a question. It has nothing to do

00:11:21.880 with your worth as a human. Now, it might have to do with your worth to an organization. But in that

00:11:27.160 case, I default back to what I just said, build a new skill set, make yourself more valuable to the

00:11:33.240 company and organization. And the individuals that you're talking with are more likely to say yes.

00:11:38.520 But don't attach your sense of self-worth to a no. And don't make everything as big a deal as it

00:11:43.840 needs to be. If she says no, so what? You're not any worse off. You're better off because now you

00:11:50.480 have a greater ability to ask questions and realize that it's not the end of the world.

00:11:55.200 If you get passed over for a promotion or a raise, trust me, there's other opportunities that will

00:11:59.900 present themselves. This is not the end of the world just because you asked and somebody said no.

00:12:05.720 So don't tie up your identity in the no. If anything, I would tie up my identity and the ability to ask

00:12:11.560 the question rather than what the response receives. Number four, ask for feedback. And I think you

00:12:18.180 should ask for feedback when things go well and when things go wrong. If your boss says, hey, we

00:12:23.020 can't really offer you a promotion right now. I think it's appropriate to say, can you explain to

00:12:28.320 me why? Can you share with me your line of thinking as an inquisitive question, not as a challenging

00:12:34.640 question? Because sometimes people will do that. Well, why? Why not? I don't understand. That's a

00:12:39.900 challenging energy. An inquisitive energy is, hey, boss, can you help me understand why the time is

00:12:45.800 not right? And maybe what I can do in the future to make this an easier decision for you. Those are

00:12:51.280 really good questions to ask. If your boss in this scenario says, yes, we can pay you more. Yes,

00:12:58.020 we'll give you the promotion. I also think you should ask why they did that. So in that scenario,

00:13:03.560 it might be, boss, I really appreciate the opportunity that you've given me here with a promotion.

00:13:08.220 I spent a lot of time and energy thinking about how I might present this to you and what I might do with

00:13:13.700 the organization to help make this a good decision for you. Do you mind sharing with me what helped

00:13:19.160 you come to this decision to offer the promotion to me? Guys, it's important to know that because then

00:13:24.640 we can replicate results. We're not making decisions in an isolated environment. For me, I want to know

00:13:30.820 when things are working, what actually made them work so I can replicate that in other facets of my life.

00:13:36.660 If I get a promotion, I need to know what was enticing about that offer that made my boss say

00:13:43.400 yes so that I can actually go out and do that with my clients or do that in my personal relationships.

00:13:49.880 Always ask for feedback. And again, the caveat of there is not as a defense mechanism, not being

00:13:55.320 defensive or challenging in any way or confrontational, but inquisitive. Inquisitive. You come with that

00:14:01.200 energy and you'll ask the right questions. And guys, the last one I wanted to share here

00:14:05.280 is that you have to experiment in low consequence environments. This is a psychological phenomenon

00:14:15.960 is that if you have a fear or a phobia of something, the more that you can introduce yourself to that

00:14:22.920 environment or to that specific thing that scares you, let's say it's snakes or spiders, that exposure

00:14:29.400 helps reduce your fear of the actual thing. Familiarity breeds confidence in whatever it may

00:14:38.460 be. So if you're afraid of the dark, if you spend more time in the dark, you're going to learn that

00:14:42.240 this is not as bad as you think it is. I do that with my children. You know, my, my daughter last

00:14:47.500 night came in and she said she was scared and I had a brief conversation with her and I said, okay,

00:14:52.180 well, what do we need to do to make sure that you're not scared? And I put her right back in her bed 1.00

00:14:56.360 and I said, okay, here's some things that you can do, but you have to deal with that.

00:15:00.520 Yes. She's young and she's learning just like we all did when we were kids. We have fears and things

00:15:04.840 that come up. She needs to learn how to deal with that through, through familiarity. If I turn on all

00:15:09.500 the lights or let her sleep in my bed or, you know, stay up and watch a movie with her, I'm not really

00:15:14.020 giving her the opportunity to confront the fear that she has. Same thing with women. Guys, if you're 0.88

00:15:19.680 afraid of asking women on dates or being around attractive women, then you have to put yourself

00:15:25.740 in environments where attractive women are, where you will converse with them. Because if you learn 1.00

00:15:31.360 to be around them, it won't be as intimidating when you actually decide to muster up the courage

00:15:36.880 to ask one of them out. So what I would suggest, and this is very tactical advice is that you begin

00:15:43.720 to do something very, very simple, but also very challenging for the next 30 days or week. I would

00:15:50.280 say, you know, you can pick for yourself, but maybe for the next week, decide that anytime you're

00:15:56.220 going to purchase something that you always ask for a discount. That seems small. That doesn't

00:16:01.640 seem like a big deal. Seems like it's easy to do, but trust me, that's a lot harder in some cases.

00:16:06.900 And for some of you than it is for others, you're going to go to Starbucks, ask for a discount.

00:16:11.480 You're going to go in and get some new clothes, ask for a discount. You're going to, you're going to

00:16:15.120 purchase something online, send an email and ask for a discount. You're going to go to the grocery

00:16:18.740 store, ask if there's any sales going on. This will help you get comfortable with asking for

00:16:25.260 what you want. Now it's not the end all save all, but it's going to help you see that it's not that

00:16:30.100 big a deal. And trust me, you're going to get rejected when you do that. That's kind of the

00:16:34.040 point. I want you to get rejected because if you do get rejected over and over again, guess what?

00:16:40.280 That rejection becomes less personal and less relevant in your life. And you realize that, man,

00:16:46.920 I think I can ask people and not attach my sense of worth to go to point number three to the outcome

00:16:53.600 of this ask. Guys, it's very, very important as assertive men. Isn't that what you want to be?

00:17:00.340 Don't you want to be a man who takes initiative? Don't you want to be a man who's looked at

00:17:04.860 favorably because he asks for what he wants and then he's willing to go after it? Don't you want to

00:17:10.420 be a man who's capable of developing new skill sets and recognizing what he wants, asking for what,

00:17:16.600 what he wants, and then pursuing the result? That's the kind of man I want to be. And in order

00:17:21.640 to do that, it's as simple as asking for it. Please never make the assumption that somebody's

00:17:27.180 reading your mind, that somebody is going to bend over backwards to give you what you want

00:17:31.480 without you acknowledging what it is you want. These are very simple things that will pay huge

00:17:37.280 dividends in your life if you apply. Simple, very simple. But sometimes we overlook the simplicity

00:17:44.180 of these types of things because we're going for the big thing. We don't, we'll go for the big

00:17:49.000 thing for sure. But right now I just need you to get the base hits. I just need you to have a good

00:17:53.660 swing, a good solid swing, and I need you to produce every single day. And eventually you'll

00:17:58.080 make contact and you'll hit one out of the park. But for now, the small, very simple fundamentals of

00:18:03.720 asking for what you want is going to help you yield bigger and bigger results in your life. And it's

00:18:08.440 going to help you feel more fulfilled and satisfied because you're actually achieving what you desire.

00:18:12.660 So let's recap and then we'll shut it down for today. Again, this is the art of ask. Number one,

00:18:16.960 know exactly what you want, get familiar and specific on what it is you want, write it down

00:18:21.560 every single day so you can accomplish that. Number two, know what kind of value you offer.

00:18:26.560 And if you don't feel like you have value to offer, begin to put yourself in a position where you are

00:18:30.660 a valuable add to the environment or a relationship or the business or the organization. Number three,

00:18:37.320 do not attach your worth, your sense of self-worth to rejection. A rejection is a no, it's just a word.

00:18:44.300 It's nothing more than that. And you're making up all sorts of stories about what the no means.

00:18:49.160 So for example, if you see a beautiful woman and you ask her on a date and she says, no,

00:18:52.980 you can make the story that you're ugly, that she doesn't find you attractive, that she thinks

00:18:57.580 you're a loser. Those are stories you could make. Or I don't know, maybe she's already in a relationship. 1.00

00:19:02.520 Maybe she just got out of a relationship and she's not in the dating pool right now. 0.90

00:19:07.060 Those are also stories. We don't know if that's true, but if we're going to make up a story,

00:19:11.800 it might as well be one that doesn't make you feel bad about yourself because everything else

00:19:15.860 is a lie until you know for sure why it was a no, which leads to the next point, asking for feedback.

00:19:21.660 Again, if you ask for a promotion, you know, you might, you might ask what you can do better in the

00:19:26.300 future to make sure that you get the opportunity for a promotion or that when is an opportunity

00:19:30.860 present itself down the road? And what would I need to do to fill that position?

00:19:34.440 I would be careful of asking for feedback in a personal setting. If you ask a woman on a date 1.00

00:19:39.520 and she says, no, I don't know if I would necessarily ask for feedback because then it

00:19:44.320 might come across as a little bit desperate or clingy. And that's not a favorable characteristic.

00:19:50.900 But you might ask a female friend that you have, what she thinks about how you present

00:19:57.300 yourself and maybe she'll give you some honest feedback so that you can use that for approaching

00:20:02.240 women in the future. And then the last point I made here is experiment with asking for things 0.96

00:20:07.700 in low consequence environments. So asking for discounts, asking for sales, learn to get familiar

00:20:13.880 with rejection, be comfortable with it, get rejected every day. If you do that, getting rejected

00:20:19.160 tomorrow, isn't that big a deal. So there's my advice to you guys. I hope that serves you.

00:20:23.880 I hope that helps. This is the art of the ask. And I would love to see more and more of you guys

00:20:28.460 asking for what you want in life, because we all know you don't get what you don't ask for.

00:20:35.800 Guys, if you have any additional questions or thoughts or comments, reach out to me on the

00:20:39.380 Instagram, on Facebook, on X, all at Ryan Mickler, or shoot me an email at Ryan at order of man.com.

00:20:46.560 And my two asks for you again, is to leave a rating and review wherever you listen to this podcast.

00:20:51.900 And number two, to check out the order of man uprising. I failed to mention the dates.

00:20:56.320 It's May 2nd through the 5th, 2024, May 2nd through the 5th, 2024. We have eight spots available.

00:21:03.440 You can check that out at order of man.com slash uprising. All right, guys, you have your marching

00:21:08.720 orders. Go out there, take action, make the ask and become a man you are meant to be.

00:21:15.660 Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life

00:21:20.320 and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.

Order of Man - January 26, 2024

The Art of the Ask ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

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