The Art of the Ask ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES
Episode Stats
Summary
Too many of us as men fall short of what we want because we don't ask for it. In this episode, Ryan talks about why it's so important that you learn to ask for what you want in life.
Transcript
00:00:00.000
You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart
00:00:04.980
your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.
00:00:10.460
You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who
00:00:17.200
you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,
00:00:22.780
you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler.
00:00:27.420
I'm your host and the founder of this, the Order of Man podcast and movement. Welcome here
00:00:31.800
and welcome back. Today, I want to talk with you about why it's so important that you learn to ask
00:00:37.160
for what you want. Too many of us as men are passive. We're complacent. We just get by.
00:00:42.580
We hope that things are going to fall into our laps, whether it's a business proposition,
00:00:46.820
a promotion, a raise, starting a business, asking a woman on a date, relationship building.
00:00:51.480
We assume, I guess, that people are going to read our minds and the reality is they're not.
00:00:57.840
And they're not going to put themselves in any sort of position or go out of their way to give
00:01:03.360
you what you want if you're not willing to vocalize it. And I've seen a lot of men fall
00:01:08.080
short of what they want because they don't ask. And we all know this. We've all heard this,
00:01:14.400
that the greatest reason, I shouldn't say the greatest, the most abundant reason or the reason
00:01:22.420
that people don't get what they want most is because they don't ask, right? They don't ask
00:01:25.780
for the sale. They don't ask for the date. They don't ask for the promotion. They don't ask for
00:01:29.740
the raise, et cetera, et cetera. So what I'm going to do today is I'm going to share with you five key
00:01:33.840
things that you can incorporate right now today. Some of them are mindsets. And we're also going to
00:01:39.220
talk about what action you can take to build up your ability to ask for what you want in
00:01:44.340
life. Now, before I get to that, I do want to ask you in the spirit of this podcast, two things.
00:01:49.380
Number one, if you would go in and just leave a rating and review, wherever you listen to podcasts,
00:01:54.000
we've got thousands, thousands and thousands of reviews. This goes a very long way in promoting
00:01:58.520
the visibility of what we're doing and helps other men see what we're doing so they can learn
00:02:02.420
and gain value from the conversations and resources that we have. Number two, we have our very first event
00:02:08.760
for 2024, which is available now. This is the order of man uprising. It's 20 men. We've already
00:02:14.120
got 12 spots filled, 20 men who are all going to descend into Southern Utah for three and a half
00:02:20.620
days. We're going to work together. We're going to actually go through our battle planning system
00:02:26.020
so that when you walk away after three and a half days, you're going to have a very, very clear idea,
00:02:31.260
maybe for the first time in your life, exactly what you should be doing and how to do it and how
00:02:36.300
to make this the best quarter yet of your life, hopefully. And then we're going to also do some
00:02:40.800
team building exercises. We're going to push on each other. We're going to hold each other
00:02:44.380
accountable and we're going to help you level up and walk away with a new found sense of direction,
00:02:50.200
clarity, purpose, and confidence in your relationships, in your business, and in your life.
00:02:54.720
If you're interested, do it quickly because spots are filling up. You can check out that video for the
00:03:00.500
event and get registered at order of man.com slash uprising order of man.com slash uprising.
00:03:06.480
Now let's talk about this asking questions. I'll just jump right in, excuse me, asking for what
00:03:11.400
you want, not necessarily asking questions, asking for what you want. I'll jump right into this today.
00:03:15.900
And again, I've got five key points for you. Number one is first and foremost, you have to know what
00:03:20.300
you want. Too many men are not spending any time thinking about what they want in life. They're just
00:03:25.780
kind of running around haphazardly. Hopefully something will fall into their laps and they're operating in a
00:03:31.760
default mindset, which is just whatever happens to me is life. And I'm just destined to live this
00:03:37.300
sort of life. They don't spend any time planning. They don't spend any time thinking about what they
00:03:41.760
want. And from a tactical perspective, what I would encourage you to do, because we know this,
00:03:46.280
the data suggests that those individuals who write down their goals and desires and dreams are
00:03:51.620
significantly more likely to accomplish those things. And yet we don't carve out time to do that.
00:03:56.820
Uh, I've got my battle planning system right here. I use this every single day without fail.
00:04:02.940
And I suggest that you do as well. We're going to talk about this from a practical approach,
00:04:06.820
write down what you want to accomplish today, write down what your goals and your dreams and
00:04:11.640
your desires and your aspirations are. Because again, if you do, we know that you're more likely
00:04:16.040
to accomplish those things. Now we can talk about how to work backwards into that, but I think it's
00:04:20.660
important that we identify what we want. We can do that on the relationship front. What kind of
00:04:24.800
relationship are you looking for with, with your wife? Maybe things aren't going as well as you
00:04:29.660
would like them to go. And you've been coasting and cruising and in that default mode for a period
00:04:34.580
of time. And, uh, and you're hoping for something more. Well, guys, it's not just going to manifest
00:04:39.180
itself. I know there's a lot of people out there who would say, Oh, if you visualize it and you manifest
00:04:44.800
in your dreams. And I don't believe that if you want to manifest what you want, then you actually
00:04:50.180
have to be vocal about what you want. So that might be a conversation with your wife and it might go
00:04:54.700
something like this. Hey, hon, I know we're in a rut. We're having a hard time right now. I feel
00:04:58.840
like we're drifting further and further apart. And what I want out of the relationship is somebody
00:05:03.140
that can be open and honest with somebody that supports me, somebody that I can support somebody
00:05:07.760
that can help me lean on them and they can lean on me. And we can walk through this life hand in hand
00:05:12.200
as a couple, as a partnership. And I don't really feel like I'm getting that right now. What I would
00:05:17.380
like to do is to spend some time in the evenings after the kids go to bed, maybe talking about our day
00:05:23.420
and our dreams and goals and desires, or maybe we can do a little staycation this weekend and we can
00:05:29.080
do some, some goal setting and goal planning. And I can hear from you what you want and what hasn't
00:05:34.100
gone well and what has gone well in the relationship. But I would like to do that. Are you open to that?
00:05:38.740
And I think generally speaking, most women are probably going to be very appreciative of your
00:05:44.220
ability to assert yourself and tell them exactly what you want. It could be in the bedroom. Maybe the sex
00:05:50.820
life isn't where you want it to be. And rather than just hoping she's going to show up the way
00:05:54.680
you want her to show up, maybe ask her, maybe, maybe suggest some things that you like, or talk
00:05:59.400
about the type of sex or intimacy that you guys want to have together. And I know for most of us,
00:06:04.120
that might be an uncomfortable conversation, but it gets easier the more you do it. And I'll talk more
00:06:08.860
about that later in the podcast, but you've got to ask, you've got to vocalize and you've got to be
00:06:14.280
very clear. If you're at work and you want a promotion, you have to talk to your boss about the
00:06:19.240
promotion and you have to articulate why it makes sense for him or her to promote you. If you can't
00:06:24.500
articulate that, they're not for the most part going to step up and graciously offer to pay you more
00:06:29.560
money for the same amount of work you're currently doing. You have to exert yourself. So what I would
00:06:34.900
do is spend some time this weekend thinking about what you want in your relationship, in your business,
00:06:40.520
of yourself, your body, your physical fitness, your spiritual journey, and maybe even identify those
00:06:48.020
people who can help you get what you want, your wife, your colleagues, your coworkers, your friends,
00:06:52.120
your boss, your supervisor, et cetera, et cetera. So number one, know what you want. Can't ask for
00:06:58.180
something you don't know you want. Number two, know what you offer. I think this is a big reason
00:07:03.480
that so many men don't ask for what they want, especially in the sales world, because they're
00:07:08.240
afraid of coming across as that guy. Heaven forbid you ask somebody for the sale because you don't want
00:07:13.480
to be that cheesy slime ball salesman that we're all familiar with. Well, if you know the value that
00:07:19.340
you offer in this world, especially in this context, as an employee or as a financial advisor or a coach
00:07:27.160
or a consultant or whatever your title is, you're going to have an easier time asking people for their
00:07:32.860
time, for their attention, for their money, for their resources, for whatever it is that you need from
00:07:36.900
them, because you know that it's a trade-off. This is not a one side arrangement. For example,
00:07:41.940
when we go back to that relationship question with your wife, you asking for what you want does not
00:07:47.580
come at her expense. And if it does, that's not a good arrangement and you probably shouldn't be
00:07:52.580
asking that. But for the most part, what ends up happening is that you ask for what you want and
00:07:57.100
the relationship is better and it serves not only you, but it serves her as well. If you're asking for
00:08:02.780
a promotion and you just want the promotion without extra work, that's a one-sided arrangement and you
00:08:07.600
got to be a little ashamed for asking for something like that. But if you know what you offer and you
00:08:13.220
know the value you provide and you're willing and able to articulate what that value is, then this is
00:08:18.480
just an exchange of value. It's no longer you taking from the relationship. It's reciprocity.
00:08:24.020
Hey, I would like to get this promotion. I would like to make more money. And in exchange, here's what
00:08:29.280
I think I can do for the organization. So your employer wins and you win. We're looking for win-win
00:08:36.340
environments, win-win situations. And knowing what you offer to other people is going to play a huge
00:08:42.860
part in that. Now, if you don't know what you offer or you don't think you offer anything, you're really
00:08:47.640
not in the position to ask people for them to sacrifice for you. Think about what you offer and
00:08:55.940
have some confidence in your abilities, your skill sets, and your desire to move forward. Now, look,
00:09:03.080
if you're not confident with where you are right now, let's say in a professional environment,
00:09:07.160
and therefore you don't feel confident asking for a promotion, then the first step, this is as a
00:09:11.460
bonus, is develop a skill set. Learn how to sell. Learn how to add value to the organization. Learn what
00:09:17.320
the organization is about. Go to courses. Purchase courses. Go to conferences, I should say. Purchase
00:09:24.300
courses. Learn everything you can. Get designations and degrees and credentials because that's going to
00:09:30.880
help you get exactly what you want. Not through osmosis, not by somebody recognizing it, but you
00:09:35.560
having the confidence in yourself to ask exactly for what you want. Guys, number three, I don't want
00:09:40.240
you to attach your worth to rejection because many of the times when we ask for what we want, we get
00:09:45.600
rejected. And then what do we do? We pout, we moan, and we bitch, and we complain, and we gripe, and we
00:09:50.020
feel sorry for ourselves. That's not what we're going to do. If you are going to take that path, then you're
00:09:55.780
less likely to ask people for what you want because you know it has a consequence that you're not
00:10:00.900
really willing to deal with. If you can learn to ask for what you want in a business, personal,
00:10:07.200
or professional setting, and you're not attached to the answer as a litmus test for your self-worth,
00:10:17.580
then I think you're more likely to ask those questions. Now, I'm not saying that you should be
00:10:21.300
okay with a no. We shouldn't. We need to evaluate why that was a no and what we might need to do
00:10:26.080
better in our personal and professional lives. But it's just nothing about your worth. So for example,
00:10:31.660
if you see a beautiful woman who happens to be, let's say they work at a office just down the office
00:10:39.380
from yours, and you want to approach this woman and ask her on a date, and she says no, we can't assume
00:10:46.360
that it's even really personal. I mean, it might be to some degree, but she might have her own things
00:10:52.260
going on, or there might be other reasons. And we can't attach our worth to her saying no. There's
00:11:00.320
still plenty of worth in who you are. And just because one person might say no doesn't mean another
00:11:06.260
won't say yes. So let's avoid this temptation for us to tie up our self-worth in whether or not
00:11:15.000
we're validated through an approval of a question or a denial of a question. It has nothing to do
00:11:21.880
with your worth as a human. Now, it might have to do with your worth to an organization. But in that
00:11:27.160
case, I default back to what I just said, build a new skill set, make yourself more valuable to the
00:11:33.240
company and organization. And the individuals that you're talking with are more likely to say yes.
00:11:38.520
But don't attach your sense of self-worth to a no. And don't make everything as big a deal as it
00:11:43.840
needs to be. If she says no, so what? You're not any worse off. You're better off because now you
00:11:50.480
have a greater ability to ask questions and realize that it's not the end of the world.
00:11:55.200
If you get passed over for a promotion or a raise, trust me, there's other opportunities that will
00:11:59.900
present themselves. This is not the end of the world just because you asked and somebody said no.
00:12:05.720
So don't tie up your identity in the no. If anything, I would tie up my identity and the ability to ask
00:12:11.560
the question rather than what the response receives. Number four, ask for feedback. And I think you
00:12:18.180
should ask for feedback when things go well and when things go wrong. If your boss says, hey, we
00:12:23.020
can't really offer you a promotion right now. I think it's appropriate to say, can you explain to
00:12:28.320
me why? Can you share with me your line of thinking as an inquisitive question, not as a challenging
00:12:34.640
question? Because sometimes people will do that. Well, why? Why not? I don't understand. That's a
00:12:39.900
challenging energy. An inquisitive energy is, hey, boss, can you help me understand why the time is
00:12:45.800
not right? And maybe what I can do in the future to make this an easier decision for you. Those are
00:12:51.280
really good questions to ask. If your boss in this scenario says, yes, we can pay you more. Yes,
00:12:58.020
we'll give you the promotion. I also think you should ask why they did that. So in that scenario,
00:13:03.560
it might be, boss, I really appreciate the opportunity that you've given me here with a promotion.
00:13:08.220
I spent a lot of time and energy thinking about how I might present this to you and what I might do with
00:13:13.700
the organization to help make this a good decision for you. Do you mind sharing with me what helped
00:13:19.160
you come to this decision to offer the promotion to me? Guys, it's important to know that because then
00:13:24.640
we can replicate results. We're not making decisions in an isolated environment. For me, I want to know
00:13:30.820
when things are working, what actually made them work so I can replicate that in other facets of my life.
00:13:36.660
If I get a promotion, I need to know what was enticing about that offer that made my boss say
00:13:43.400
yes so that I can actually go out and do that with my clients or do that in my personal relationships.
00:13:49.880
Always ask for feedback. And again, the caveat of there is not as a defense mechanism, not being
00:13:55.320
defensive or challenging in any way or confrontational, but inquisitive. Inquisitive. You come with that
00:14:01.200
energy and you'll ask the right questions. And guys, the last one I wanted to share here
00:14:05.280
is that you have to experiment in low consequence environments. This is a psychological phenomenon
00:14:15.960
is that if you have a fear or a phobia of something, the more that you can introduce yourself to that
00:14:22.920
environment or to that specific thing that scares you, let's say it's snakes or spiders, that exposure
00:14:29.400
helps reduce your fear of the actual thing. Familiarity breeds confidence in whatever it may
00:14:38.460
be. So if you're afraid of the dark, if you spend more time in the dark, you're going to learn that
00:14:42.240
this is not as bad as you think it is. I do that with my children. You know, my, my daughter last
00:14:47.500
night came in and she said she was scared and I had a brief conversation with her and I said, okay,
00:14:52.180
well, what do we need to do to make sure that you're not scared? And I put her right back in her bed
00:14:56.360
and I said, okay, here's some things that you can do, but you have to deal with that.
00:15:00.520
Yes. She's young and she's learning just like we all did when we were kids. We have fears and things
00:15:04.840
that come up. She needs to learn how to deal with that through, through familiarity. If I turn on all
00:15:09.500
the lights or let her sleep in my bed or, you know, stay up and watch a movie with her, I'm not really
00:15:14.020
giving her the opportunity to confront the fear that she has. Same thing with women. Guys, if you're
00:15:19.680
afraid of asking women on dates or being around attractive women, then you have to put yourself
00:15:25.740
in environments where attractive women are, where you will converse with them. Because if you learn
00:15:31.360
to be around them, it won't be as intimidating when you actually decide to muster up the courage
00:15:36.880
to ask one of them out. So what I would suggest, and this is very tactical advice is that you begin
00:15:43.720
to do something very, very simple, but also very challenging for the next 30 days or week. I would
00:15:50.280
say, you know, you can pick for yourself, but maybe for the next week, decide that anytime you're
00:15:56.220
going to purchase something that you always ask for a discount. That seems small. That doesn't
00:16:01.640
seem like a big deal. Seems like it's easy to do, but trust me, that's a lot harder in some cases.
00:16:06.900
And for some of you than it is for others, you're going to go to Starbucks, ask for a discount.
00:16:11.480
You're going to go in and get some new clothes, ask for a discount. You're going to, you're going to
00:16:15.120
purchase something online, send an email and ask for a discount. You're going to go to the grocery
00:16:18.740
store, ask if there's any sales going on. This will help you get comfortable with asking for
00:16:25.260
what you want. Now it's not the end all save all, but it's going to help you see that it's not that
00:16:30.100
big a deal. And trust me, you're going to get rejected when you do that. That's kind of the
00:16:34.040
point. I want you to get rejected because if you do get rejected over and over again, guess what?
00:16:40.280
That rejection becomes less personal and less relevant in your life. And you realize that, man,
00:16:46.920
I think I can ask people and not attach my sense of worth to go to point number three to the outcome
00:16:53.600
of this ask. Guys, it's very, very important as assertive men. Isn't that what you want to be?
00:17:00.340
Don't you want to be a man who takes initiative? Don't you want to be a man who's looked at
00:17:04.860
favorably because he asks for what he wants and then he's willing to go after it? Don't you want to
00:17:10.420
be a man who's capable of developing new skill sets and recognizing what he wants, asking for what,
00:17:16.600
what he wants, and then pursuing the result? That's the kind of man I want to be. And in order
00:17:21.640
to do that, it's as simple as asking for it. Please never make the assumption that somebody's
00:17:27.180
reading your mind, that somebody is going to bend over backwards to give you what you want
00:17:31.480
without you acknowledging what it is you want. These are very simple things that will pay huge
00:17:37.280
dividends in your life if you apply. Simple, very simple. But sometimes we overlook the simplicity
00:17:44.180
of these types of things because we're going for the big thing. We don't, we'll go for the big
00:17:49.000
thing for sure. But right now I just need you to get the base hits. I just need you to have a good
00:17:53.660
swing, a good solid swing, and I need you to produce every single day. And eventually you'll
00:17:58.080
make contact and you'll hit one out of the park. But for now, the small, very simple fundamentals of
00:18:03.720
asking for what you want is going to help you yield bigger and bigger results in your life. And it's
00:18:08.440
going to help you feel more fulfilled and satisfied because you're actually achieving what you desire.
00:18:12.660
So let's recap and then we'll shut it down for today. Again, this is the art of ask. Number one,
00:18:16.960
know exactly what you want, get familiar and specific on what it is you want, write it down
00:18:21.560
every single day so you can accomplish that. Number two, know what kind of value you offer.
00:18:26.560
And if you don't feel like you have value to offer, begin to put yourself in a position where you are
00:18:30.660
a valuable add to the environment or a relationship or the business or the organization. Number three,
00:18:37.320
do not attach your worth, your sense of self-worth to rejection. A rejection is a no, it's just a word.
00:18:44.300
It's nothing more than that. And you're making up all sorts of stories about what the no means.
00:18:49.160
So for example, if you see a beautiful woman and you ask her on a date and she says, no,
00:18:52.980
you can make the story that you're ugly, that she doesn't find you attractive, that she thinks
00:18:57.580
you're a loser. Those are stories you could make. Or I don't know, maybe she's already in a relationship.
00:19:02.520
Maybe she just got out of a relationship and she's not in the dating pool right now.
00:19:07.060
Those are also stories. We don't know if that's true, but if we're going to make up a story,
00:19:11.800
it might as well be one that doesn't make you feel bad about yourself because everything else
00:19:15.860
is a lie until you know for sure why it was a no, which leads to the next point, asking for feedback.
00:19:21.660
Again, if you ask for a promotion, you know, you might, you might ask what you can do better in the
00:19:26.300
future to make sure that you get the opportunity for a promotion or that when is an opportunity
00:19:30.860
present itself down the road? And what would I need to do to fill that position?
00:19:34.440
I would be careful of asking for feedback in a personal setting. If you ask a woman on a date
00:19:39.520
and she says, no, I don't know if I would necessarily ask for feedback because then it
00:19:44.320
might come across as a little bit desperate or clingy. And that's not a favorable characteristic.
00:19:50.900
But you might ask a female friend that you have, what she thinks about how you present
00:19:57.300
yourself and maybe she'll give you some honest feedback so that you can use that for approaching
00:20:02.240
women in the future. And then the last point I made here is experiment with asking for things
00:20:07.700
in low consequence environments. So asking for discounts, asking for sales, learn to get familiar
00:20:13.880
with rejection, be comfortable with it, get rejected every day. If you do that, getting rejected
00:20:19.160
tomorrow, isn't that big a deal. So there's my advice to you guys. I hope that serves you.
00:20:23.880
I hope that helps. This is the art of the ask. And I would love to see more and more of you guys
00:20:28.460
asking for what you want in life, because we all know you don't get what you don't ask for.
00:20:35.800
Guys, if you have any additional questions or thoughts or comments, reach out to me on the
00:20:39.380
Instagram, on Facebook, on X, all at Ryan Mickler, or shoot me an email at Ryan at order of man.com.
00:20:46.560
And my two asks for you again, is to leave a rating and review wherever you listen to this podcast.
00:20:51.900
And number two, to check out the order of man uprising. I failed to mention the dates.
00:20:56.320
It's May 2nd through the 5th, 2024, May 2nd through the 5th, 2024. We have eight spots available.
00:21:03.440
You can check that out at order of man.com slash uprising. All right, guys, you have your marching
00:21:08.720
orders. Go out there, take action, make the ask and become a man you are meant to be.
00:21:15.660
Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life
00:21:20.320
and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.