The BBQ Test： How to Vet Your Band of Brothers ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES
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Summary
Men are struggling. And specifically, they are struggling in the ability to connect, relate, and band with other men. There is a pervasive ideology in modern culture that says that men are meant to figure it out alone, that you should know what you ought to be doing, that if you need help, need direction, or need to learn what it means to be a man, then you re less of a man.
Transcript
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Are you addicted to pixelated versions of the female body?
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Are you engaged in drug abuse or alcohol abuse or any sort of sedation method?
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And if you are, then when you're doing that in secret, you're not exhibiting character.
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But I think acknowledging that we have deficiencies in our character,
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and I think acknowledging that we want to find good men in our corner who have fewer character flaws,
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and for the character flaws they do, they're willing to acknowledge them and address them and overcome them.
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And specifically, they're struggling in the ability to connect, relate with, and band with other men.
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There's this pervasive ideology in modern culture that says that men are meant to go at it alone,
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that you can figure it all out, that you should know what you ought to be doing,
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that if you need help or need insight or need direction or you need to learn,
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quote-unquote, what it means to be a man, then you're less of a man.
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Now look, I'll be the first to tell you that there are inherent virtues or principles or codes of conduct
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or even behavior biologically innate within us as males.
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But if you have bought into the idea that you're supposed to know how to harness all of that,
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how to create productive outcomes for yourself and other people just because you're biologically hardwired to do that,
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The reality is, is you have all of the tools necessary, but unless you learn how to wield those tools,
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you really won't be able to wield them effectively and correctly.
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If somebody has never been introduced to a hammer and I give them a hammer and I tell them,
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this is a tool, use it correctly, but they've never been exposed to a hammer before,
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not only are they not going to use it correctly, they're not even going to know what it is.
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And that's why I really reject and am repulsed by the idea that just because we're born biologically male,
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Manliness is a matter of your effort, your progress, your growth, and what you want to do as a human being.
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But one thing, actually I'll say two things that really hinder a man's growth are, it's twofold.
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Frameworks are systems that we use, and every man throughout history who is worth his weight
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Every man throughout human history that is worth his weight has been connected with
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and learned from other noble and righteous men, virtuous men, who have helped him on his path.
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So look at any historical figure, look at modern examples of men that you admire and respect
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and want to be like, and all of them have systems and they have networks.
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I saw some statistics over the past several weeks, and I've looked into these heavily,
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that show that men are increasingly isolated, we're lonely, we're separated.
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We might be more connected to human beings through, my phone's over there, but this technology
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that we have, you're probably on your phone right now, or maybe you're listening to this
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via Bluetooth through some earbuds or in your truck as you're driving to work or wherever
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And so we're more connected to information than we've ever been.
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And yet we're so disconnected from personal communication, from standing shoulder to shoulder,
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from the physical connection that comes in being face-to-face, not intimately, not romantically.
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And so today I want to share with you a concept that I ran across.
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It's a little bit of a joke, but I think there's some value and merit to it, this barbecue test
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of who you should be surrounding yourself with.
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I believe that's next week as of the release of this podcast.
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Are there men that you would actually want to have a barbecue with, that you would spend
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time with, that you would have a conversation with, that you'd want to shoot fireworks with,
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that you'd want to introduce your kids and have their kids introduced to you?
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Is this a guy that you'd shoot pyrotechnics with?
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Is this a guy that you have some familiarity or a guy that has some values that are aligned
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Is this the guy that intuitively you think, you know, I really like that guy.
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And too many men in modern times do not have that guy.
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I saw some statistics that showed that there are a significant,
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a dangerously significant amount of men who don't have one single man that they could call
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if they were in distress, depressed, anxious, frustrated, angry, suicidal.
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Guys, we're all going to face hardship, divorce, layoffs, bankruptcies, loss of a loved one,
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lawsuits, and a myriad of other things that happen throughout our lives.
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Hopefully, she's a wonderful woman who will support, edify, uplift, nurture, and be empathetic
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You need a man in your corner or men in your corner who will give you the other sides that,
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and no offense to your significant other, that a woman can't necessarily provide.
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It's just she can't fully provide it because she's feminine.
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Is this a guy you'd sit around the grill cooking burgers or hot dogs or whatever this weekend
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as 4th of July comes along, and you would actually enjoy your time together?
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But I've got five questions, including that one.
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Five questions that I think you need to ask yourself to determine if you have men in your
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And then the last thing I'm going to do is give you a resource.
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Because if you answer no to any of these questions, then I want to share with you a tool that
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you can use in order to develop these kind of friendships and relationships.
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So number one, is this man that you want to spend time with?
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And again, I know that sounds maybe a little off, but I think that's part of the problem.
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But is this a guy that you'd actually enjoy spending time with?
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Do you get along with this person or does he piss you off or bother you or rub you in
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Or maybe he's arrogant or maybe he's a tool or a D-bag or maybe he doesn't treat his wife
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Okay, number two, is this man going to bitch out when things get hard?
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Is this man going to bitch out when things get hard?
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That's why I personally, when it comes to developing friendships and building a band
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of brothers, why I love the physical realm when it comes to introducing new men into my
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Because the physical realm will tell me very, very quickly whether this guy's going to be
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a little bitch or whether he's actually going to step up in the face of physical adversity
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If I go to jujitsu with another man and let's say it's the first time he ever trained and
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he comes and he gets his ass kicked because that's what's going to happen if you go to
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If he never comes back, I know that's a person, a man who's going to bitch out when things get
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He's not going to be there for you when you're struggling.
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He's not going to put himself in any sort of confrontation or harm's way because he's
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living a life of ease and comfort and he's too afraid of challenge and things that might
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jeopardize his bravado, his ego, his arrogance.
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And so if I train with a guy and he gets his ass handed to him, like it's going to happen
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when the first time you train jujitsu and he comes back the next day, I'm like, okay,
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this is a guy who at least at a minimum is willing to come back.
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And when I got up there to start training with these guys in origin, they didn't like
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And I was doing that at the pinnacle of my training four to five days a week.
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And 80% of the time I was getting my ass handed to me.
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And because I showed up every single day, in fact, I created opportunities to do additional
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We built relationships and connections because I was the kind of man who they could rely on
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if things got challenging mentally, emotionally, or physically.
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So if you're trying to vet a group of men, ask yourself, is this a guy who's going to
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bitch out when things get hard in the physical realm?
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Because if he doesn't in the physical realm, I promise you, he's going to do it in other
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Number three, is this man a deep thinker or a stooge?
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Now, I was playing with my youngest son the other day, and we were wrestling.
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And I was, if you guys remember, if you're my age, you might remember the Three Stooges.
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My dad, when he was alive, he loved the Three Stooges.
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And I remember sitting on the couch with him, curled up to him, wanting to be close
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And the thing was, is, you know, you'd make the peace sign, and you'd poke him in the eye,
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and Larry or Curly or Moe, whichever one it was, would put their hand between their eyes
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And lightheartedness is important in a relationship.
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But what I have found in the relationships I'm trying to build with other men is that there
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Maybe it's the guy who's sarcastic all the time.
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If you bring anything serious to the table, he brushes it off.
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I want somebody who critically thinks about how they can improve.
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I want somebody who's growth-oriented versus fixed mindset.
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I really want men in my corner who are on the same level as me as far as my intuition
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and my thoughts and my intellect and the growth that they want to achieve in their own life.
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I enjoy laughing and humor just as much as anybody else.
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And you might not think that if you've listened to this podcast for any amount of time
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because you know I'm a serious person by nature.
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But damn, if you can't find a guy who actually has some depth and brevity to him.
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I can appreciate a joke just as much as anybody else.
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But if that's all you can do, then you're a one-dimensional person.
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And I want somebody in my corner who's well-rounded, who if I call and say,
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I know that person is not going to mock or belittle or use sarcasm to diffuse the situation.
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So for the men that are in your corner currently, inventory and ask yourself,
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It brings some lightness and humility to the conversation, which is appreciated in moments.
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Or is this a person who understands the situation, can read the room and say,
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okay, lightheartedness is required or depth is required in the situation.
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Is this somebody who does the right thing when no one's looking?
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Is this somebody who will hold you accountable to doing the right thing when you could easily
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Is this person somebody who's aligned with your values and your virtues?
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Is this somebody who, frankly, will look down on you when you don't perform the way you ought
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I know that's, heaven forbid, somebody looked down on you.
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But the reality is, is if I look up to somebody and I want to be like them, then I require
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that person to look down in a way on me with some tact and grace when I'm not performing
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Again, aren't those the people that we as men value the most?
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The one that says, hey, I know you're capable of more, but you're not doing it right now.
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Like the one who can actually call you out and call you up and speak into your soul and
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say, hey, you can perform better, but you're not doing it.
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Growing up, I had a stepdad who talked about character and he said, character is what you
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And although I think he probably, in a lot of ways, lacked some character, that lesson
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Other people, everybody wrestles with it at times.
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Do you believe that character is what you do when nobody's looking?
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Are you addicted to pixelated versions of the female body?
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Are you engaged in drug abuse or alcohol abuse or any sort of sedation method?
00:15:07.360
And if you are, then, and you're doing that in secret, then you're not exhibiting character.
00:15:17.560
But I think acknowledging that we have deficiencies in our character and I think acknowledging
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that we want to find good men in our corner who have fewer character flaws and for the
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character flaws they do, they're willing to acknowledge them and address them and overcome
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And so the question is, is this man a principled man or is he just going to drift to and fro as
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the doctrine of popular culture tells them what's good, what's great, what's virtuous,
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I'm not interested in what culture has to say about what it means to be a man.
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I'm not interested in what culture has to say about masculinity or marriage or how to
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raise children or what is virtuous or what is righteous or what is moral.
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I believe in moral truth with a capital T and I don't always abide by it.
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And you should find men in your corner who strive to do the same thing.
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And then the last thing, I have five simple questions for you.
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And I really want you to go through and take an inventory of the closest people in your life.
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Maybe it's a friend that you've had from high school for the past 20 years.
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Maybe it's somebody you recently met at work and you guys hang out and you've grabbed some
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drinks and maybe you go to the game on the weekends.
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Maybe it's a brother-in-law or a family member, your father, your brothers, your cousins, who
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You didn't choose it, but you're just in proximity with them.
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Is this person going to bitch out when things get difficult?
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The last question I have for you here is, is this man capable of the things that he needs
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What defines us as men is what we actually do and the results that we actually produce.
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So if you say, hey, I believe in health and you're 80 pounds overweight, great.
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I believe that you believe in it, but you're not living it.
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If you say, I really respect and honor women, but clearly you don't because of all of the
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broken relationships that you have or the way that you treat women in general, then I don't
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If you say, I really value capitalism, I really value being a man of value.
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I really value bringing home the bacon, so to speak.
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And yet you're broke and you're up to your eyeballs in debt and you can't seem to get out
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ahead of anything and you're living paycheck to paycheck.
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That's not to say I won't help and support you where I can because I do want to do that.
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That's the entire point of the mission with Order of Man and Iron Council to support and
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help give you the tools and resources you need.
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But if I'm going to bring somebody into my circle, I got to know this is a guy who knows
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how to make money because that's just a medium of exchange.
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I need to know that this is a guy who honors and cherishes the woman in his life and his
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I need to know that this is a guy who goes to the gym and works out and trains hard and
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I want to know if this is a spiritual man, not necessarily religious, but is this a person
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Is this a person who believes that there's something bigger and beyond just himself or is
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he just going to be selfish and conceited and narcissistic?
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Is this a man that when he speaks, I know that I could actually believe what he says because
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of the track record of success that he has and following through on his commitments?
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These are all things that I measure when I decide whether or not I'm going to go on a
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hunt with a guy or invite him to lunch or bring him on one of our excursions or do a meetup
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The five questions are, is this man somebody I enjoy spending time with?
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Number two, is this man going to bitch out when things get hard?
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Number three, is this man a deep thinker or a stooge?
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Number five, is this man capable of the things that he needs to be capable of?
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If there's guys in my corner who I can say yes or in the affirmative, answer these questions
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for the majority of the time, we all fall short and I'm willing to offer grace where it is
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But if this guy is on the road to answering those questions in the affirmative, then
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that's a guy that I'm pretty comfortable with having in my circle.
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Now, I already know where this goes because a lot of you are saying to yourself, well,
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Like, I'd love to find other guys that I can connect with bandwidth that meet all these
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You know, one of the questions I get all the time is, hey, I'm trying to build up a band
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I'm trying to build a group of guys in my local area and I'm having a hard time.
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That's why I started the Iron Council, because I was having the same struggles that you were.
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And the Iron Council, which is open right now until the end of the month, is a place
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where, and I'm not saying that you're going to resonate with every single man of the thousand
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plus men we have inside the Iron Council, but you're going to find 10.
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You definitely are going to find 10 that hit all of these criteria.
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You're going to be pushed and motivated and inspired by these guys.
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But I don't want you to say that I'd really like to find men who meet these criteria.
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And then I give you an opportunity and you're like, yeah, I don't really want to do that.
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Not only is this a business, but also I want you to have skin in the game.
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If I made this free, just like I do on Facebook or Instagram or Twitter or even listening to this podcast.
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Yeah, there's a handful of guys who are solid, but the majority of people are just here to get something.
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But when you band with us inside the Iron Council, you know that these guys are willing to give.
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They're willing to put their money quite literally where their mouth is.
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And that doesn't mean they're going to be great.
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It just means that there's one less barrier to entry in you knowing, is this a person who has a growth-oriented mindset?
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If you can do it on your own through a church group or through a neighborhood network or through a friend group, I think most of the time you'll find friends at work or your neighbors or your wife's girlfriends will have husbands.
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And that means you need to invest in yourself and be around the right kind of men.
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So, again, if you can do it on your own, do it on your own.
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But if you can't or you find struggles or you really want to take this to the next level, then join us inside the Iron Council.
00:22:49.360
So if you go to theironcouncil.com slash preview, that's theironcouncil.com slash preview on Monday night at 8 p.m. Eastern.
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I'm going to pull back the curtain and let you know what we're doing inside the Iron Council.
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And then you can decide whether or not you want to join us.
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But whether you join us there or you want to do this on your own, the five questions are,
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is this man somebody I enjoy spending time with?
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Number two, is this man going to bitch out when things get hard?
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Number three, is this man a deep thinker or a stooge?
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And number five, is this man capable of the things he needs to be capable of?
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Take an inventory of the five closest people you have in your life and ask yourself those questions
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against those five individuals and ask, should I be spending more or less time with that person?
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And also, check out the preview call on Monday, June 30th, 2025 at theironcouncil.com slash preview.
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And until Monday on the preview call, go out there, take action, and become the man you are meant to be.
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Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.
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You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be?
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We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.