Order of Man - The Case Against Vulnerability ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

00:00:00.000 Vulnerability without any level of discernment becomes performative.

00:00:05.180 Vulnerability without discernment becomes emotional exhibitionism.

00:00:09.180 Not every emotion that you have deserves a microphone.

00:00:13.120 Just because you feel something doesn't mean that it needs to be shared,

00:00:18.080 especially without any clarity or focus,

00:00:20.380 because there's a difference between, you know,

00:00:22.300 I'm struggling and I'm taking responsibility for what I'm struggling with.

00:00:26.060 And I'm struggling and now everyone else in the world needs to share this with me.

00:00:32.440 Gentlemen, let's talk about something today that has been elevated at this point

00:00:36.800 to near religious status in modern self-help culture.

00:00:42.840 And that's the idea of vulnerability.

00:00:44.740 Now, I've been beating this drum for a long time and I met with a lot of mixed reviews

00:00:49.780 and I'm often surprised how many men love this concept of vulnerability.

00:00:55.400 Vulnerability and I want to say this disclaimer first.

00:00:59.380 I know what a lot of people are saying because I'm relatively intelligent, believe it or not.

00:01:05.660 I know what a lot of people are saying when they use the word vulnerability.

00:01:10.120 And I don't take issue with it if it's used in the correct context.

00:01:13.520 My issue is that too often it isn't.

00:01:16.200 Because you're going to hear it everywhere, not selectively.

00:01:18.900 Be vulnerable.

00:01:20.260 Lead with vulnerability.

00:01:21.560 Share your truth.

00:01:22.440 Speak your truth.

00:01:23.220 Truth to power.

00:01:24.040 Open up.

00:01:25.400 And at face value, I think that sounds pretty noble.

00:01:30.580 It sounds honest.

00:01:32.920 It sounds courageous.

00:01:35.440 But today, I want to make the case not against honesty and not against self-awareness.

00:01:42.020 And certainly not against growth.

00:01:44.100 That's what we've been talking about for 10 years.

00:01:45.780 But against the way that vulnerability is being taught all too often.

00:01:49.920 And the way that it's celebrated and frankly, the way that it's misused, especially for men.

00:01:56.260 Because when you strip away all these little clever platitudes and feel-good congratulatory statements that we see online,

00:02:04.420 what's often being promoted when people talk about vulnerability isn't strength through openness.

00:02:10.880 It's just exposure without any sort of discernment or mastery or direction.

00:02:17.160 And that's not the same thing.

00:02:19.540 So we need to exercise discernment and really figure out if what a person is talking about or the words that they're using is actually going to be beneficial for them in their life.

00:02:33.160 So let's define terms first.

00:02:36.100 Real strength has always included emotional awareness.

00:02:40.740 Strength is not emotional awareness, but it's always included an element of emotional awareness.

00:02:45.820 Because if you're emotionally aware, then you can shore up your weaknesses. 0.85

00:02:50.320 Another one you often hear is that stoicism is just being dumb and covering your emotions. 0.90

00:02:55.800 That's a misrepresentation of what stoicism is. 0.93

00:02:59.240 The great Stoics, Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius, they never said be numb.

00:03:05.160 They never said suppress your emotions.

00:03:07.620 What they advocate for is understanding your emotions so you can do something productive with them.

00:03:13.100 And masculinity generally is not about suppression.

00:03:17.120 It's not about keeping things bottled up, keeping things bottled inside, not opening up, not being honest, not being humble.

00:03:23.420 We talk about these things every day for the past 10 years.

00:03:26.080 Leadership in your life has always required a level of empathy.

00:03:31.560 But modern vulnerability, as it's commonly practiced, and you may not believe this about the way you're viewing it, but the way that it's commonly practiced is that it's drifted away from those roots.

00:03:44.180 Because today, often when I hear people say vulnerability or vulnerable, what they're saying is that you should just express everything you feel immediately, because that's going to help you somehow.

00:03:56.880 Or that you should process your emotions out loud in public spaces, in many cases, virally.

00:04:03.740 You know, I see videos all the time of guys on Instagram literally sobbing, breaking down sobbing in their car.

00:04:12.140 Now, of course, that's performative.

00:04:14.740 And maybe they really are sad about a breakup or a job loss or a loss of a loved one or name what it is.

00:04:21.300 But that's not courageous. 0.97

00:04:24.960 It's just silly.

00:04:25.860 Many times you see people just treating disclosure, reckless disclosure even, as virtuous.

00:04:34.820 And then they mistake emotional exposure.

00:04:39.640 I guess that's what we can call it.

00:04:40.680 Emotional exposure for courage.

00:04:43.140 And it's not always.

00:04:44.940 Sometimes, yes, but not always.

00:04:46.300 Not inherently, I should say.

00:04:48.460 And so that's where the problem really begins.

00:04:50.460 But let's break this down.

00:04:51.200 I've got five cases that I wanted to make against this modern version of vulnerability.

00:04:54.740 So, number one, vulnerability without any level of discernment becomes performative.

00:05:04.620 It becomes, it's like just an exhibit, exhibitionism.

00:05:09.840 It's emotional exhibitionism.

00:05:12.180 That's what I would say.

00:05:13.820 Vulnerability without discernment becomes emotional exhibitionism.

00:05:18.780 Not every emotion that you have deserves a microphone.

00:05:23.280 I have bad days.

00:05:25.440 I have good days.

00:05:26.100 I have sad days.

00:05:26.840 I have happy days.

00:05:27.700 I have everything in between.

00:05:29.120 And I don't share, contrary to what you might believe, everything that I might be experiencing on a daily basis.

00:05:35.540 Just because you feel something doesn't mean that it needs to be shared all the time, everywhere, with everyone, especially in real time, especially without any clarity or focus.

00:05:47.960 Because there's a difference between, you know, I'm struggling and I'm taking responsibility for what I'm struggling with.

00:05:54.600 And I'm struggling and now everyone else in the world needs to share this with me.

00:05:59.380 They need to carry my emotional burden.

00:06:01.980 And that's what happens when you don't have clarity and direction around what you're feeling is you're asking your wife or your kids or your friends or your colleagues or your followers to carry this emotional burden with them.

00:06:16.700 Now, some people will, and frankly, some people should.

00:06:20.900 I believe that your wife should help you carry the emotional weight of leading the family.

00:06:26.960 Not all of it.

00:06:28.360 Not an outsized proportion of it.

00:06:31.880 That should be you as a man.

00:06:33.220 But sure, of course.

00:06:34.480 But when men are taught that the more that you share, the more evolved that you are, like the more virtuous that you are, you don't get connection from that.

00:06:48.480 You get confusion.

00:06:50.640 If I just blabbed everything that I was possibly feeling at any given point to my kids, that's not connection.

00:06:58.840 I'm undermining my authority, my influence with them, because they're going to be confused.

00:07:06.200 It's oversharing.

00:07:07.560 It's this emotional whiplash of like the roller coaster that your kids or your wife is on.

00:07:12.860 She doesn't need to be on that.

00:07:13.980 They don't need to be on that.

00:07:16.520 Strength, let me say it this way.

00:07:18.680 Vulnerability is not strength because strength requires discernment.

00:07:24.160 So, for example, you might ask yourself before you start to share what you're dealing with, who needs to know this information?

00:07:33.240 Is it everybody?

00:07:34.140 Is it my wife?

00:07:34.860 Is it my kids?

00:07:35.440 Is it my friends?

00:07:36.180 Like who actually needs to know this?

00:07:39.040 And also another question, why am I sharing this?

00:07:43.020 Is it to get validation?

00:07:44.360 Is it to get approval?

00:07:45.800 Is it to get pats on the back?

00:07:49.060 Or is it because somebody can help you process what you might be going through?

00:07:52.740 And that's the next question I would ask is, is this a processed emotion or am I just verbally and emotionally vomiting all over people?

00:08:04.400 And if you don't know the answers to those questions, you're not being courageous.

00:08:09.000 You're just, you're being impulsive.

00:08:10.380 In fact, I would say, I would almost, I would say you're verging and teetering on the line of weakness.

00:08:16.980 Because you're just letting your emotions dictate everything that you're doing.

00:08:22.600 I feel bad and so I'm going to share it with everybody so they can feel bad too or help me not feel bad.

00:08:26.640 That's not what men do.

00:08:27.680 Now, if you have a reason for sharing it, if it needs to be known, if you want to include people in the process, if they've asked you to share it, then that's different.

00:08:36.480 But that's the discernment I'm talking about.

00:08:39.040 So again, number one is that this idea that vulnerability is just, is good inherently, but it's not.

00:08:48.580 You need discernment.

00:08:50.260 Otherwise, what did I say?

00:08:51.600 Emotional exhibitionism, which I like.

00:08:54.340 I'm going to, I'm going to coin that term right there.

00:08:56.260 All right, number two, unprocessed vulnerability, it shifts the burden.

00:09:04.000 It pushes the burden onto other people instead of building trust with your people.

00:09:08.380 Because here's a hard truth you need to understand.

00:09:11.380 Just dumping your emotions on somebody else does not build intimacy.

00:09:18.620 It does not build connection.

00:09:20.920 It does not build anything.

00:09:23.220 What it does is it actually just transfers the weight to other people.

00:09:29.780 Trust is not built in your life.

00:09:31.960 Again, whether it's platonic or romantic by saying, here's everything I'm feeling at any given time.

00:09:37.200 Here you go.

00:09:38.140 And you just dump it all on her lap.

00:09:40.540 Now, trust is built by saying, hey, baby, here's what I'm dealing with.

00:09:48.140 Here's what I'm struggling with.

00:09:49.640 And here's how I'm handling it.

00:09:51.280 Do you have any ideas?

00:09:53.020 But that's not vulnerability.

00:09:54.180 That's just honesty.

00:09:55.960 It's humility.

00:09:56.900 Hey, I'm having a hard day.

00:09:57.800 And here's what I'm planning on doing.

00:09:59.440 What insights do you have?

00:10:00.640 You see the difference?

00:10:01.980 One is, I'm horrible. 0.63

00:10:03.540 I'm a horrible person.

00:10:04.380 I'm so bad.

00:10:04.940 And I just need to like share all this stuff with you.

00:10:07.340 And maybe you'll participate in carrying this burden with me.

00:10:11.280 She doesn't.

00:10:13.300 She may say she wants to do that.

00:10:15.540 But trust me, she doesn't.

00:10:17.080 Because there's a big difference between what a lot of women will say they want and what they actually want. 1.00

00:10:23.080 Because if you do that, because she told you, I just want you to be more in touch with your emotions.

00:10:28.520 I just want you to be more in touch with your feelings.

00:10:30.860 The minute you do it, I promise you she's going to be repulsed. 0.98

00:10:34.460 She is.

00:10:35.460 She's going to be repulsed by it.

00:10:36.760 She's going to, she's not even going to understand why, but her attraction is going to go from here to here.

00:10:42.160 From a five to a four, from a 10 to a seven, like whatever it is, it's going to go down.

00:10:46.500 I promise you.

00:10:49.180 And then you're going to be left standing there confused.

00:10:51.040 It's like, I just, she told me she wanted more vulnerability and for me to be in touch with my feelings.

00:10:55.640 No, she doesn't guys.

00:10:59.060 What she wants is she wants to understand that, you know, you aren't perfect and you, and, and that's important.

00:11:06.760 And you have a plan to do something about it, but that's not vulnerability.

00:11:11.300 That's just an honest assessment of your life.

00:11:13.420 There's a massive difference here, guys, because when vulnerability is shared without responsibility,

00:11:18.960 it communicates that I don't know what to do with this.

00:11:23.280 I don't know how to process this.

00:11:25.540 I'm scared.

00:11:26.560 I'm confused.

00:11:27.400 I'm weak. 0.82

00:11:28.160 I'm incompetent. 0.91

00:11:29.180 That's what it's, that's what it's communicating.

00:11:31.260 And so now, because I don't know how to handle it, it's now your problem too, hon.

00:11:37.040 Thank you.

00:11:37.680 Or, hey, kiddos, my issue at work today is now your problem too.

00:11:44.760 Is that what you want to be?

00:11:46.500 Somebody who just dumps problems on other people?

00:11:49.020 That's not leadership.

00:11:50.140 It's not even partnership.

00:11:52.380 It's not brotherhood.

00:11:53.700 It's not friendship.

00:11:55.860 Your wife doesn't, not only does she not need you to, she doesn't want you to collapse emotionally.

00:12:00.460 Your kids do not need to see you unravel without resolution.

00:12:06.660 Now, can they see that you're struggling?

00:12:08.240 Yes.

00:12:09.420 And you should.

00:12:10.560 And that's the fine line.

00:12:11.500 I talked to my kids all the time about just the other night.

00:12:14.300 My youngest was saying, hey, dad, are you okay?

00:12:16.000 I said, no, I'm not okay.

00:12:17.180 It's been a hard day.

00:12:18.040 And here's a few reasons why.

00:12:19.200 And here's what I'm going to do.

00:12:20.380 I'm going to process this and I'm going to deal with this.

00:12:22.740 And I just want you to know, and here's what I said to him.

00:12:24.500 I just want you to know that if I seem sad or upset or distant, it has nothing to do with you.

00:12:32.260 It has to do with external circumstances that I'm working through.

00:12:35.160 And here's how I'm working through it.

00:12:36.380 But I love you.

00:12:37.960 And you don't need to concern yourself with this because dad's got it.

00:12:41.480 It's not vulnerability.

00:12:43.380 It's just, again, humility and honesty.

00:12:47.700 Your team, if you're an employer or a team leader,

00:12:51.220 your team doesn't need a leader who just vents instead of decides.

00:12:57.140 What the people in your life need and what they want from you

00:12:59.980 and what will build the most level of respect is stability.

00:13:05.500 It's presence.

00:13:07.120 It's containment or providing a container.

00:13:10.660 And that brings me to my next point, which is that number three,

00:13:14.020 modern vulnerability often undermines leadership and polarity.

00:13:17.960 It will undermine your leadership.

00:13:19.620 Okay, it's not about pretending that you don't have any fears.

00:13:23.960 You do, sure.

00:13:26.140 But leadership partially is about being the calmest man in the room,

00:13:30.780 even if you don't have any idea of what's going to happen.

00:13:34.540 I think of Tom Hanks' character in Saving Private Ryan.

00:13:39.460 I believe he was a school teacher and he had some shakes or some tremors.

00:13:45.220 It's been a while, actually, since I've watched that movie.

00:13:46.820 I've got to watch it again, Saving Private Ryan.

00:13:48.200 But he's got some shakes or tremors.

00:13:49.620 But he doesn't tell his men that.

00:13:52.340 Because that's not going to instill confidence.

00:13:56.220 He handles it. 1.00

00:13:57.540 He handles the shit. 1.00

00:14:00.060 He deals with it. 1.00

00:14:01.060 And then he communicates with his men with clarity and confidence and coolness.

00:14:06.060 And he enlists them to help in the process.

00:14:09.340 But when vulnerability becomes this centerpiece,

00:14:15.480 the sun that everything else orbits around,

00:14:18.900 rather than competence or decisiveness and integrity,

00:14:23.300 everybody is feeling less confident in you and the system.

00:14:28.200 Because sometimes I think what we do as men is we confuse this idea of transparency.

00:14:35.380 That's another word I'm not a huge fan of.

00:14:38.460 Transparency means I can see right through.

00:14:40.260 I don't want people to see right through me.

00:14:42.120 I don't want my children to know all of my intimate fears and concerns.

00:14:46.860 Because if they did, I would not be a father to them.

00:14:54.040 I don't want to be transparent.

00:14:56.160 I want to be honest.

00:14:57.680 And I want to be humble with discernment.

00:14:59.760 Because transparency, it's not trustworthy.

00:15:04.320 It undermines it.

00:15:05.460 People don't trust you because you share your anxieties.

00:15:12.740 They know you have anxieties.

00:15:14.420 They know you have fears.

00:15:15.320 But they trust you because you show up anyways.

00:15:17.960 That you follow through.

00:15:19.480 That you remain grounded under pressure.

00:15:23.820 That you're a man who acts when others around you freeze.

00:15:28.640 That you can acknowledge the fear without being ruled by it.

00:15:31.960 That you can admit uncertainty maybe even.

00:15:36.660 And a little bit of confusion or trepidation.

00:15:39.540 Without surrendering your authority.

00:15:42.500 Or burdening somebody else with the responsibility that you as a father and a husband and a community leader and a business owner were called to lead.

00:15:53.020 I think a man who leads well will say, you know what?

00:15:57.240 This is difficult.

00:15:59.440 I'm struggling with this decision.

00:16:01.000 But I've considered it carefully.

00:16:03.980 I've taken your feedback to heart.

00:16:06.740 I've talked with my coaches and mentors and what other people have done.

00:16:09.600 And here's the direction that we're moving.

00:16:11.780 This is what we're doing.

00:16:12.720 As a family.

00:16:13.300 As a business.

00:16:13.820 As a fill in the blank.

00:16:15.260 It's not, I don't know what I'm doing.

00:16:17.580 And I need everybody to process this with me.

00:16:19.820 So I can feel better about my inadequacies.

00:16:21.940 That's not vulnerability.

00:16:24.100 That last one is vulnerability.

00:16:26.800 And it's also abdication of responsibility.

00:16:29.420 I don't know what to do.

00:16:30.200 Help me.

00:16:31.860 You're putting responsibility to other people that don't need to take it on.

00:16:36.960 You do.

00:16:38.320 Number four.

00:16:40.780 Honesty is not the same as lack of self-mastery.

00:16:46.380 Self-mastery.

00:16:48.400 Because people will say, well, you know, I just shared my opinions.

00:16:50.720 I just shared my truth.

00:16:52.540 And I'm just being honest. 0.99

00:16:54.640 Or even people will do it and they'll be jerks. 0.99

00:16:57.520 You see this all the time on social media. 1.00

00:16:59.160 They'll just, they'll be complete a-holes to other people.

00:17:01.260 And they're like, well, I'm just being honest.

00:17:02.420 No, you're not being honest.

00:17:04.460 You're lacking self-mastery.

00:17:07.040 Not everything you think and feel needs to be communicated all the time.

00:17:12.960 One of, I think, the most dangerous ideas floating around today is that if you don't express everything that you feel, you're being inauthentic, disingenuine.

00:17:25.320 That is nonsense, guys.

00:17:30.160 Self-mastery isn't really about just repressing everything you're feeling.

00:17:33.520 It's what I call regulation.

00:17:37.420 Like, I'm not a plumber or an electrician.

00:17:40.760 I know enough to imagine that we're not trying to repress or suppress the flow of water, maybe in some cases, or the flow of electricity.

00:17:50.420 We're trying to regulate it so that it can actually be useful.

00:17:53.200 We're harnessing it.

00:17:55.620 You don't earn respect in life by airing out every doubt, every insecurity, every emotional spike that you have.

00:18:02.080 You earn it by demonstrating that your emotions do not control you.

00:18:06.560 And there's a reason why we admire stoic men.

00:18:13.940 Men who pause before reacting. 0.62

00:18:18.200 Think about some of the greatest characters in cinema.

00:18:24.320 You know, like, for example, we just talked about Tom Hanks' character in Saving Private Ryan.

00:18:30.660 We admire him.

00:18:31.600 Maximus in Gladiator.

00:18:38.040 William Wallace in Braveheart.

00:18:41.080 These are men who pause before reacting.

00:18:44.100 They choose their words very, very carefully.

00:18:47.280 They're calculated.

00:18:48.440 They don't just blabber everything they're feeling.

00:18:50.600 They hold the line under stress.

00:18:52.420 That's not emotional avoidance.

00:18:54.060 William Wallace, depicted in the movie, was very emotionally aware.

00:19:02.120 You know, I think about the scene where he was talking with the princess of England.

00:19:10.340 And he had a soft spot and he told her that why the English had killed his wife.

00:19:21.700 Clearly, clearly, he was emotional about it.

00:19:26.500 And yet he shared something that needed to be shared for a direct purpose.

00:19:30.700 Maximus, Maximus in Gladiator, clearly loved his wife, clearly loved his son, was just devastated.

00:19:40.940 He wanted to die.

00:19:43.320 And yet, even though he was feeling that way, he used it as a leveraging tool for resolve and resilience and courage under pressure.

00:19:58.180 However, it's not about emotional avoidance.

00:20:02.240 It's about discipline.

00:20:05.200 And discipline is not the enemy of authenticity.

00:20:07.780 Just because you don't share everything you're feeling in the way you're feeling at every given moment doesn't mean you're inauthentic or disingenuous.

00:20:13.220 It's the foundation of authenticity.

00:20:16.040 Because a man who says, I feel this way and I'm choosing how I'm going to respond.

00:20:21.340 I feel heartbroken because I had a breakup and I'm choosing to move forward anyways.

00:20:26.140 I feel devastated because my father died and I'm choosing to honor his legacy by living the kind of life that he taught me to live.

00:20:36.700 You see the difference?

00:20:39.120 I am torn up that my business went through a bankruptcy, but I'm using that as fuel to be better, to improve, to learn about entrepreneurship, to learn about the back end of business and to make my next business venture better.

00:20:55.120 It's way more honest than the man who says, I feel like this, so now everyone else has to deal with it too.

00:21:02.340 And they just barf all over everyone.

00:21:04.280 All right, last one here, guys, and then I'll get off my soapbox of the case against vulnerability.

00:21:13.640 But men need earned, if I'm going to use the word vulnerable, it needs to be earned vulnerability, not performative.

00:21:20.100 So earned, again, if I'm going to use the word at all, we need earned vulnerability, not performative vulnerability.

00:21:26.280 And here's the distinction, not all vulnerability is bad, okay?

00:21:31.840 And I want to be very clear about that.

00:21:35.640 You expressing the way that you feel is not inherently wrong, but it needs some containment.

00:21:44.560 It needs some qualifiers.

00:21:47.760 And it needs these three things.

00:21:49.180 Number one, it's got to be earned. 0.98

00:21:52.020 So I'm not just going to blab my bullshit to everybody, but I am going to share how I'm feeling with the people who've earned a right to hear it. 0.97

00:22:00.520 The woman in my life, my children, friends, potential business partners. 0.99

00:22:06.640 So it's got to be earned.

00:22:08.060 They have to prove to me that they're not going to misuse and abuse my quote-unquote vulnerability.

00:22:13.120 Number two, you have to be selective.

00:22:16.480 Does my wife need to know all the intricacies of my business and what I'm dealing with? 1.00

00:22:21.180 No, I'm not going to lie to her, but she doesn't need to know everything about the way I'm feeling.

00:22:25.640 Because if she knew how you were feeling all the time, she would have zero trust in you.

00:22:30.980 Because I know your mind.

00:22:32.100 If you're an entrepreneur, I already know your mind.

00:22:33.860 You're scared and you're afraid and you're erratic, but you keep it under wraps.

00:22:43.140 So you have to be selective in who needs to hear this.

00:22:47.140 And the last is purposeful.

00:22:50.820 Why?

00:22:51.560 Why are you sharing this?

00:22:54.320 Why are you communicating this with a person?

00:22:58.160 So earned vulnerability, for example, might be shared with trusted men.

00:23:01.680 It might be in a structured, secure-type environment.

00:23:07.160 Definitely after reflection, not during it.

00:23:09.680 Be reflective first.

00:23:12.560 In service of growth and alignment.

00:23:15.460 So, for example, a lot of people will say,

00:23:17.280 Hey, Ryan, I really appreciate your vulnerability on this post that you made.

00:23:20.900 And I know what they're saying. 0.88

00:23:22.040 Again, I'm not an idiot. 0.98

00:23:22.920 I know what they're saying.

00:23:23.720 And I'm grateful and gracious when I respond back.

00:23:26.820 I don't, like, chastise them for using the word vulnerability because I know what they're saying.

00:23:31.620 But when I share what's going on in my mind, even if it's hard for me to share, even if it's something that exposes weakness in me or something I don't want to share, it's in service to growth of the organization and you as the people I care about.

00:23:44.200 But performative vulnerability, which is what you often see, it's those weirdos who cry in their car.

00:23:51.760 Like, they'll set up a camera and then they'll cry about some issue.

00:23:56.960 It's like, wait, you set up a camera.

00:24:00.280 You set up the lighting.

00:24:01.300 You started crying.

00:24:02.320 You wiped your tears away, whether they were fake or real.

00:24:04.600 You looked at the video and said, Ah, yeah, that's a good take.

00:24:07.180 Like, that's validation seeking.

00:24:10.960 That's attention seeking.

00:24:12.740 That's for your own self-aggrandizement, if I can say that.

00:24:19.340 It's for relief.

00:24:21.520 There's no integration in that.

00:24:23.120 There's no strength in that.

00:24:26.140 You're just rehearsing being weak.

00:24:30.220 Guys, we don't need more places to emote publicly. 0.98

00:24:35.520 We need containers, secure containers.

00:24:40.420 And I say secure, not safe.

00:24:42.200 It's another word I don't like, safe.

00:24:43.820 Safe means no fear, no harm, no risk.

00:24:46.820 I don't need a safe place.

00:24:49.040 I need a secure place.

00:24:51.700 And again, maybe we're just debating semantics.

00:24:54.000 But I think debating semantics are important sometimes because then we can get on the same page and say,

00:24:58.040 Okay, what my version of vulnerability is, is what you're saying is honesty.

00:25:01.880 And so we come to some understanding.

00:25:03.260 So I think debating semantics is okay.

00:25:05.340 But what I would say is that we need a secure place, not a safe space.

00:25:09.320 A secure place to me is an environment where risks still present themselves.

00:25:14.320 There still are threats around us.

00:25:16.360 And yet we've created an environment through structure, through systems, through brotherhood, through the law of numbers, that even though there's threats that exist, we're secure.

00:25:31.600 We're unhindered.

00:25:33.600 We're not in any danger, immediate danger.

00:25:36.040 So we need those containers.

00:25:38.440 It's brotherhood.

00:25:39.220 It's mentorship.

00:25:40.540 It's a marriage centered around, in my opinion, Christ, and also around shared and mutual respect.

00:25:49.280 It's accountability.

00:25:50.580 It's challenging each other effectively and powerfully.

00:25:53.260 It's places where vulnerability actually leads you somewhere towards action, towards correcting yourself, towards growing and overcoming hardship and challenge.

00:26:03.760 So what men, I think, need more than anything instead of vulnerability is we don't need to be told to open up indiscriminately.

00:26:16.660 That's silly.

00:26:18.140 That's therapy speak. 0.70

00:26:20.480 What we need is clarity.

00:26:25.620 What we need is responsibility.

00:26:29.720 You don't need to be relieved of whatever you're feeling.

00:26:34.500 It's very likely that whatever you're feeling is justified, whether it's sorrow or grief or shame or maybe not shame, but guilt at least, is justified in a lot of cases.

00:26:45.680 I have guilt and sadness every day to varying degrees.

00:26:50.620 You know, it's not overwhelming or consuming, but every day I have sadness and sorrow and loss and guilt about the way I've showed up in different aspects of my life.

00:27:01.160 But I don't want relief from that.

00:27:02.640 I want responsibility over it.

00:27:05.100 I want action over the idea of just expressing myself.

00:27:09.620 I want a real brotherhood, men that I can rely on, men that I can count on.

00:27:14.400 I had a guy call me just the other day, and I won't tell his name because it doesn't need to be shared, but he's probably listening to this podcast, and he called me yesterday.

00:27:23.820 He's like, hey, man, how are you?

00:27:24.700 I know you've been having a hard time.

00:27:25.700 How are you doing?

00:27:27.100 He didn't need to call me.

00:27:29.380 He had no reason to call me.

00:27:31.120 He had no obligation to, but he did.

00:27:33.700 And I was honest with him because it was earned.

00:27:36.300 We had a really good, gosh, hour-long conversation about what I was dealing with and what he was dealing with, and we both walked away edified.

00:27:43.040 So I'm not saying you can't share, but it has to have purpose because a lot of times people just broadcast everything and hope that that's the right way of doing it.

00:27:50.960 It isn't.

00:27:52.880 And also this idea of just being soft.

00:27:56.400 The greater risk in modern culture is not that men are too strong or hard. 0.99

00:28:04.500 It's that we're too soft, that we're too weak, we're too passive and pathetic. 0.95

00:28:11.680 The goal is not just to feel everything out loud. 0.84

00:28:15.160 The goal of, if you're going to use the word vulnerability, is to become the kind of man who can feel deeply what you're feeling.

00:28:24.440 You can be level-headed and think clearly, even though sometimes those, the logic and the feeling are at odds with each other.

00:28:32.880 You can make decisive decisions.

00:28:34.760 You can act honorably, even if you don't want to, even though you're pissed.

00:28:38.580 You know, I had an experience just the other day where I was very frustrated about something.

00:28:43.320 I won't get into the details.

00:28:45.100 I was very, very frustrated.

00:28:46.480 And initially I was like, I'm going to dig in my heels and I'm just going to just be stubborn.

00:28:53.960 I'm like, wait, wait a second.

00:28:57.240 Do I have some grounds to feel that way?

00:28:59.000 Yeah, of course I do.

00:29:00.080 And also I can act honorably, which means doing the right thing.

00:29:08.300 And we all know what it is.

00:29:09.700 Just do the right thing, despite how you might feel.

00:29:14.400 And do it without outsourcing all your emotional management to everyone around you.

00:29:24.320 And here's my final thought, okay?

00:29:27.440 Vulnerability, guys, is not the goal in and of itself.

00:29:30.140 Integrity is.

00:29:33.000 Mastery is.

00:29:34.420 Being reliable.

00:29:35.420 Being consistent.

00:29:36.720 Being grounded is.

00:29:38.740 So yes, share.

00:29:39.860 Share your life when it serves growth.

00:29:42.280 Speak to people about it when it brings clarity to you and others.

00:29:46.740 And lead in a way that makes others feel secure.

00:29:51.300 Not responsible for you.

00:29:53.960 Because then it just turns into mothering. 1.00

00:29:55.980 And bless our mother's hearts.

00:29:58.160 But your wife doesn't need to be your mom. 1.00

00:30:02.060 Your kids don't need to be your mom. 0.98

00:30:03.980 Your friends don't need to be your mom.

00:30:05.680 Your mom can do that.

00:30:06.560 She's the only woman in your life who can do that.

00:30:08.660 Nobody else should do that.

00:30:10.580 That's the work, okay?

00:30:11.460 That's the standard.

00:30:13.000 And guys, that is the path forward.

00:30:14.480 So I hope I made a compelling case and an argument.

00:30:18.460 Now, a lot of you are probably saying, well, everything you explained is vulnerability.

00:30:20.900 And if it is for you, cool.

00:30:22.320 Then we're on the same page.

00:30:23.420 I'm not going to get wrapped up in the words and the semantics of it.

00:30:25.800 But I do think it's important that we articulate what we're experiencing, what we're feeling, what we think words mean.

00:30:31.260 Because we can't have civil and good, deep discussion without articulating words, without defining words.

00:30:40.580 And so vulnerability is your sacred cow.

00:30:42.820 I understand.

00:30:43.640 Maybe we're closer.

00:30:44.540 Maybe we're further apart.

00:30:45.480 But I'd be willing to bet that a lot of us are closer to the concept than what we might think on the surface.

00:30:53.480 Anyways, guys, I hope that serves you.

00:30:55.040 Let me know if I'm wrong.

00:30:56.480 Let me know if I'm right.

00:30:57.500 Let me know what you're thinking.

00:30:58.520 Let me know what I missed.

00:30:59.940 Let me know where I got it right.

00:31:01.440 But let's make sure this is a communication and a dialogue.

00:31:04.340 I just noticed, I didn't know this, but on Spotify, you can also leave comments on Spotify.

00:31:10.740 And Spotify is cool because not only do you get the audio version of the podcast,

00:31:15.480 but you also get the video version of the podcast right within the app itself.

00:31:19.580 So maybe one day you want to watch the video version.

00:31:21.820 Maybe another day you just want to listen because you're busy mowing the lawn or,

00:31:25.560 you know, working out in the garage and you can't watch a video.

00:31:29.080 Spotify is a really good place to do that.

00:31:30.560 And you can leave comments.

00:31:31.400 So it's kind of a mix between YouTube and Apple podcasts.

00:31:36.340 But wherever you're listening or watching, please leave a rating and review.

00:31:39.660 Please communicate with me.

00:31:41.160 Drop comments.

00:31:41.920 I'm going to do a better job moving into 2026 about responding and communicating with you

00:31:45.400 guys.

00:31:45.760 But that's my case against vulnerability.

00:31:48.780 Again, let me know if I got it right or wrong.

00:31:50.580 Either way, we could have a good discussion about it.

00:31:52.920 All right, guys, we'll be back next week.

00:31:54.280 Until then, go out there, take action.

00:31:58.160 Don't be as vulnerable as society would have you believe and become a man.

00:32:04.300 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.

00:32:07.300 You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.

00:32:10.960 We invite you to join the Order at orderofman.com.

00:32:14.440 We invite you to join the Order at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - January 16, 2026

The Case Against Vulnerability ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

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