Order of Man - The COVID Vaccine, Preparing for a New Son, and Overcoming Paralysis by Analysis ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart

00:00:04.980 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.

00:00:10.420 You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.220 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.780 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler,

00:00:27.540 and I am the host and the founder of the Order of Man podcast and movement. Welcome here. Welcome

00:00:33.440 back. Today is your Ask Me Anything. Kip Sorensen, my co-host, my typical co-host, is absent this week,

00:00:40.840 so you're getting just me. I was absent last week, so you got just him, so maybe you could

00:00:45.220 message us and let us know who you thought did a better job. Anyways, glad to be here with you.

00:00:52.300 I'm a little outside of my routine. If you're watching this on YouTube, you can see I had a

00:00:56.200 little, a little beard trim, but had a little accident with the trimmers last night. So this

00:01:02.900 is the result. So I feel somewhere between somewhat disappointed and the feeling of, I don't know,

00:01:10.760 being neutered or something like that, but it's just hair. It'll grow back. If you want to see

00:01:13.880 how funny I look, my oldest son has been making fun of me all morning. Then you too can go check it out

00:01:18.700 on YouTube at orderofman.com slash YouTube. I filled with some questions, guys, or asked for

00:01:24.080 some questions on our Instagram profile today, which you can check out on Instagram at Ryan

00:01:30.620 Mickler. And I thought I'd go through these questions. We've got some good questions in here.

00:01:35.700 We've got a lot of beard questions, seeing as how I had this little incident, we'll call it the

00:01:40.400 incident with a capital T. But we also have some good questions in here that I'm looking forward to

00:01:46.000 digging into. One thing I do want to mention to you guys is for the month of February,

00:01:50.380 inside of our exclusive brotherhood, the iron council, we're going to be talking about formulating

00:01:54.700 and planning, crafting your perfect, your ideal day. So if you want to wrap your head around how

00:02:03.160 to start your morning effectively systems, tools, strategies, processes for maximizing, uh, your

00:02:10.160 daytime activities, and then of course, winding down your day, which is something a lot of people

00:02:14.460 don't talk about. I don't talk about how to cap your day and, and how to make the most

00:02:18.820 of, uh, the end of your day planning so that you can roll over the momentum that you gain

00:02:23.660 throughout the day into the following. So, uh, if you are interested in learning more about

00:02:28.100 crafting, creating your perfect day, and then of course the results that come with it, then

00:02:32.680 check it out at orderofman.com slash iron council. Again, orderofman.com slash iron council.

00:02:39.280 All right, guys, let's get into the questions. Uh, again, I'm just going to start from the beginning

00:02:42.840 and we'll get the oldest questions first and we'll work up from there. We'll go for about

00:02:47.820 an hour. Uh, and if you have additional questions that you want to ask me to make sure you're

00:02:51.480 following along on, uh, on Instagram as well, again, at Ryan Mickler. All right. Uh, Stevie

00:02:56.240 does it 98 says, will you take the COVID vaccine? You know, I've thought a lot about this. Um, my

00:03:02.300 knee jerk reaction, my gut reaction is no, at least immediately and at least in the short

00:03:07.500 term. Um, I think it's a, it's a vaccine that has been rushed obviously, uh, through

00:03:13.460 operation. I believe it's called warp speed or warp drive or something like that. I think

00:03:18.420 it's warp speed. Um, so I don't have a whole lot of confidence in the vaccine itself. Uh,

00:03:24.200 and I also think there's a lot of misleading information about the virus itself. You know,

00:03:27.900 I think COVID is probably a real thing. I'm not doubting that it's real. Uh, but I don't

00:03:32.240 think that it's as, uh, it's as deadly. Um, it's as dangerous as it's made out to be. Um,

00:03:38.520 and I think we're actually beginning to see a lot of that with the eased restrictions and

00:03:42.520 lockdown, uh, requirements, uh, now that we have somebody else in, in the, in, in, in the

00:03:49.400 presidency. So, uh, I, I think a lot of this danger and, and, and the scariness and the fear

00:03:55.040 was politically motivated and driven. And, uh, I'm not anxious to take the COVID vaccine. So

00:04:00.520 that may change down the road, but as of right now, no, I don't, I don't see that happening.

00:04:06.260 So there's my answer on that. My wife and I have talked quite a bit about this and she's

00:04:10.020 on the same page as well. Uh, fault 88 says, how did that happen? He's referring to the beard

00:04:15.760 tragedy. What did I say? The incident last night, uh, I got back from training jujitsu and I thought,

00:04:22.460 you know, my beard is getting a little long, getting a little unruly. I think I'll trim it up.

00:04:25.600 And so I got my beard trimmers and set it to the right height and just kind of went up the side

00:04:31.420 here and realized that I did not, in fact, set it to the right height. I set it a little bit

00:04:36.560 shorter than I normally do a lot bit shorter than I normally do. So, um, yeah, this is the result.

00:04:42.660 So I had this big streak along the side of my face where it was short and everything else was long.

00:04:47.240 So what do you do in a situation like that? You just keep rolling with it. So I went with it,

00:04:51.540 but as you can see, left the stash, I had a buddy say that maybe I should just shave it,

00:04:57.120 get a van, black out the windows, or even better a van with no windows, shave the rest of it,

00:05:01.420 leave the mustache. And I'd fit right in with, uh, some unscrupulous characters.

00:05:07.280 All right, here we go. Uh, just scrolling through these again, a lot of these questions are about the

00:05:13.740 beard. Uh, this one's good being husband pod asks, how do you get the wife to trust your

00:05:21.200 plan? So this is an interesting question because a lot of times when guys ask questions like this,

00:05:27.600 it's because they're, they're presenting an isolated plan. Like, Hey, I'm going to start a

00:05:32.060 business or, Hey, I think we should move here, or I'm going to take this new promotion. And so

00:05:36.700 there's these isolated incidents that, that these guys are very focused on, right? So like, how do you

00:05:42.260 get your wife to trust this plan that you have? Here's the thing, the trust process, and it is a process,

00:05:49.420 not an isolated incident or moment in time starts well before you present any sort of plan to her.

00:05:56.340 So if you're going to take a job promotion, or you're thinking about moving somewhere or thinking

00:05:59.840 about starting a new business or thinking about partaking in some endeavor, the level of her trust

00:06:05.640 will be proportionate to the work that you've done up to that point. And frankly, that could be years

00:06:12.880 and years and years of her seeing you execute, seeing other plans that work, seeing how hard you

00:06:20.700 work, seeing that you're going to follow things through to the end, seeing that it's in her and

00:06:25.240 the family's best interest. And the more that you can do that on a micro level from taking out the

00:06:30.020 trash, when you say you will, to other ventures that have been successful to other projects

00:06:35.520 that you started and completed to overcoming other challenges and hardships, she's going to trust and

00:06:43.440 recognize that, you know, when I started order of man, for example, which was six years ago.

00:06:49.600 So in March of this year, it'll be six years. There was no doubt in her mind that I should do this

00:06:55.380 because there was a high level of trust, credibility, and influence. She had seen me start the financial

00:07:01.280 planning practice. She had seen me struggle. She had seen me fall to some new lows and dig myself

00:07:07.800 out of those lows to grind it away, to make our financial planning practice a success.

00:07:14.620 And because I had that track record of success, when I said, here's what I'm going to do, she said,

00:07:19.800 that would be great. You should do it. And she was a little hesitant when I said that I was going to

00:07:23.900 take this order of man thing full time, but she trusted me because of the performance that I had

00:07:29.740 had up to that point. So I think if you're having trust issues with your wife, then there might be

00:07:39.380 some track record of lackluster performance, or you not following through with your commitments,

00:07:46.480 or you not being a man of your word. So what I would suggest first is to inventory where things have

00:07:55.120 worked, where things haven't, and then draw her attention to the times where things did go well,

00:08:00.920 or the times that went poorly, but you overcame those obstacles. I think also communicating with

00:08:07.300 her, why it's in her best interest or why it's in the family's best interest to pursue this path

00:08:13.380 that you might be pursuing a little difficult for me, because this is a very broad, general question.

00:08:17.860 I don't have the specifics of your plan necessarily, but those are some thoughts on trust.

00:08:25.200 All right, let's keep going here. A lot of guys are saying, oh, you should use a barber.

00:08:30.600 Well, two things with a barber thing regarding my beard. One, there's not a barber in my area. I mean,

00:08:37.360 we live in a very rural town in Maine. So I don't, I think there's a couple of like haircut places,

00:08:45.300 but I had a great barber was when I was in Southern Utah, but I don't, I don't have a barber

00:08:49.880 here. And two, you know, up, up to this point, I've always been pretty good with, you know,

00:08:54.680 trimming my own beard. So this is, this is a failure on, on epic proportions here, but you know,

00:09:02.020 my track record said I could do it and you know, I messed up. So I haven't been using a barber for

00:09:09.440 years and years at this point. All right. B McPapa says, my wife and I are expecting a son

00:09:16.700 in April. What are some tools that I can use to better show up for my family? I feel like I do

00:09:21.920 this, do a decent job, but I know I can improve in this area. You know, I don't know if there's tools

00:09:27.700 necessarily. I mean, I don't know if there's like an app or a tool that you can use. I think it's just

00:09:33.240 a mindset, you know, being able to turn off work when you're done with work, having the desire to

00:09:40.080 be present, turning off the electronic devices, just setting them aside and leaving them wherever

00:09:45.300 you need to leave them so that you're not using those throughout the evening. You know, also making

00:09:49.860 sure that you set aside time for yourself that, that you can go do things that are important to

00:09:55.420 you, whether that's martial arts or exercising or some other hobby or activity that you might be

00:10:01.200 engaged and interested in. That way you can come back to the relationship, fully rejuvenated and

00:10:06.760 recharged and engaged and want to be, you know, present with her. So, you know, I don't know if

00:10:12.120 there's tools necessarily, but it sounds like because you're thinking about it, you're, you're

00:10:16.980 going to be, you're going to be good, you know? And a lot of guys will ask me like, what's, what's

00:10:21.400 advice that you have for a new father? It's like, just learn, just be open-minded, learn, drop the

00:10:27.480 humility, develop some patience, try not to let your friends or your hobbies go. These are all

00:10:33.760 bits of advice that I give to new fathers. And, uh, that's what I would suggest to you as well. So

00:10:39.960 congratulations, excited for you. It sounds like you might already have children because you're

00:10:44.580 talking about showing up for your family. Um, so I think you got this, keep going, have that patience,

00:10:52.520 keep your hobbies and, uh, get that mindset right to be present for them. All right. Let's see what

00:10:59.100 else we got here. Three Tommy 11 says, Hey Ryan, what does your weekly exercise routine look like?

00:11:06.480 Muscle group each day, full body every three days. Thanks, man. I'm a workout routine rut and I'm

00:11:12.320 looking for some new ideas. So my training regimen consists of jujitsu four times a week. I go on

00:11:20.640 Monday evenings and Wednesday evenings. And then I train Tuesday mornings and Friday mornings.

00:11:25.500 So most of my, my training and my exercise stuff revolves around jujitsu at this point,

00:11:32.740 because it's been something that's, uh, engaged me something that I really enjoy and like. So

00:11:36.760 that's that. Uh, and then my trainer, I use, uh, Josiah Novak. A lot of you guys are probably

00:11:42.440 familiar with him. Uh, he programs, uh, my workouts from flexibility to body weight movements,

00:11:50.020 to strength training and development. Uh, and we'll focus on muscle groups. Usually it's,

00:11:55.240 it's an upper body body workout one day and then a lower body workout the next day. And that changes

00:12:00.580 lower body might be, uh, deadlifts or squats. Um, certain kind of hip thrusters, things like that.

00:12:09.660 And then the upper body will be, you know, bench press, push press, pull-ups, uh, different curls,

00:12:16.800 incline dumbbells, those, those kinds of things. But that rotates, uh, every day. So, uh, a Monday

00:12:24.500 and I do that four days a week. So Monday will be upper body, Tuesday, lower body, Thursday,

00:12:29.240 upper body, Friday, lower body. And that's typically how it goes. And then on Saturday,

00:12:33.320 I'm usually just active. I'll be out walking around my, in the field of my kids or, or, you know,

00:12:38.940 we're doing pushups. I even have my, uh, origin war clubs over here. And I've got some of Soren X's

00:12:46.460 center mass bells here in my office, just right there on the floor. Uh, and I'll do those in

00:12:50.480 between emails or, uh, conversations, phone calls, podcasts. Um, I'll just crank out anywhere from 10

00:12:56.720 to 20 on the center mass bells and just swing the war clubs around as I try to loosen up the shoulders

00:13:03.360 because they are feeling tight today after being out of jujitsu training for the past week and a half

00:13:07.960 getting back into it last night and this morning. So yeah, Eddie Gallagher. Um, he's, he says he did

00:13:14.320 the same thing with his beard about a month ago. His kids hated it. Yeah. My, my youngest, I forgot

00:13:19.400 that I had done it when I woke up and my youngest was looking at me and he was like, and I couldn't

00:13:23.920 tell, he was looking at me weird. I couldn't figure out why he's looking at me so weird. He was like

00:13:27.220 staring at me. Um, and then I realized, oh, it's because I shaved or trimmed and he didn't recognize

00:13:33.640 me or something. So, uh, they're not quite adjusted to it and they may not be because I'm

00:13:38.340 going to grow it back out. All right. Uh, Brett, let's see. Brett Hawk 24. This is a very interesting

00:13:44.460 question. He says, how do you justify your faith and being Christian with cussing or cursing? He's 0.76

00:13:49.560 not a cute, I'm not accusing you. I'm a devout Christian myself and I struggle heavily with cussing.

00:13:53.640 The Bible condemns cussing or cursing, but for a reason, what do you think? Well, look, here's the

00:13:59.540 reality. I do all kinds of things on a daily basis that would be hard to justify in the Christian 0.97

00:14:04.580 faith. Uh, it isn't things that I deliberately set out to do. It's just the natural man, you know,

00:14:10.140 we, we go out and, and we mess up because we're imperfect and that is life. Uh, with, with cussing

00:14:15.880 and cursing, you know, I've thought about this a lot. You know, what, what is a curse word?

00:14:21.680 What are words in general? They're just noises that we make. And so I think really it's the context

00:14:29.440 in which we use it. Uh, so I do make, believe it or not, a conscious effort not to curse. Um, I

00:14:36.540 don't, I think it can be used as a crutch when it comes to speaking, but I also think it can be used

00:14:41.880 as a tool to illustrate and communicate a point. Uh, and if you're just cursing every other word

00:14:47.100 and there's guys that I've had on the podcast, you know, that you're very familiar with that do

00:14:51.620 curse every word. And I think it diminishes and distracts from the conversation they may otherwise

00:14:57.120 have, but a well-placed intentional thought out curse word occasionally, I think can really drive

00:15:04.660 a point home when necessary. So again, I try to make a conscious effort not to curse because I

00:15:12.920 don't want to rely upon that crutch. And I think human language is important. Uh, I think the way

00:15:17.540 that I communicate and present myself, seeing how this is my living is communicating with other people.

00:15:22.440 Then I do try to be very deliberate and intentional about the words that I'm using. I also know a lot

00:15:27.540 of you guys are having your children listen to this podcast and I hope you're being selective on

00:15:31.180 the podcast that they listen to. Uh, but I would like this to be a podcast where your young son or young

00:15:38.140 daughter could listen to this and, uh, you would feel comfortable with them having, having listened

00:15:43.860 to this. So again, it's, you know, we, we all fall short of our ideals. We all fall short of

00:15:50.500 where we want to be and how we want to perform and how we want to show up. And I think the thing

00:15:57.300 that you can do is be intentional about why you're using certain words or why you're engaged

00:16:01.480 in certain activities. And when you mess up or fall short of your own goals and ambitions,

00:16:06.780 then you make amends. I mean, you're talking about Christianity. So you go through the repentance 0.55

00:16:10.840 process and you make a plan to improve and get better at every facet of life, whether it's cursing or

00:16:16.520 some other behavior or activity that you might be engaged in that, you know, is not serving you

00:16:21.260 well. So, uh, yeah, I, I do again, make a conscious effort not to, but it happens. And it also, it's

00:16:29.560 also impacted heavily by whom around I've noticed that, you know, we, we are very, very influenced by

00:16:36.920 our environment and the people that we're with. So if I'm with a bunch of buddies who are cursing,

00:16:41.020 it's more likely I will. So keep that in mind and be around the people. Again, I don't think cursing

00:16:47.420 is, is, is catastrophic. I don't think it's a huge deal, but it's something I try not to do, but

00:16:53.240 there's other things that you might be involved with, maybe stepping out on your wife or getting

00:16:57.320 into some sort of an addiction, uh, that we're stealing, you know, all kinds of things, lying,

00:17:02.920 cheating, stealing your, from your clients that, yeah, definitely your, your environment's going to

00:17:07.720 impact and influence those things. So be around the right people for sure. Uh, all right. So this

00:17:13.300 is from Rama Ramos W 13. I must confess I've been listening. Hold on one second. I've been listening

00:17:20.420 since episode 11 and just ordered your book. I've been doing a lot of growth mentally and physically

00:17:26.460 over the past year. And as I prepare for the next journey in my life, new career and possibly new city,

00:17:31.920 I wanted to know what other reads do you recommend for mental toughness and gentlemen,

00:17:37.320 guidance? Well, gentlemen, guidance, art of manliness, Brett McKay has some great stuff

00:17:42.100 that you can check out. Um, mental toughness. There's a book called, uh, grit. I believe it's

00:17:50.100 by Angela Duckworth. I believe don't quote me on that, but I believe that's who it's by. You can

00:17:56.500 check out that book. Uh, you know, I'm always hesitant when it comes to topics like this, what book

00:18:01.720 would you recommend? Actually, I think the better thing that you can do is instead of reading a book

00:18:07.040 and guys, I'm a huge advocate of reading books, obviously I've got a bunch behind me. I've got

00:18:11.780 some over there. I've got a bunch sitting on my nightstand. I'm reading constantly all the time

00:18:15.340 because I want to put that stuff into my, into my brain, into my, uh, my daily life.

00:18:22.280 But in this case, I mean, what other books would you read, uh, for mental toughness?

00:18:31.620 You're not going to, you're not going to get a whole lot from a book. Like go put yourself

00:18:37.620 in a difficult situation, not dangerous. Okay. But difficult go to jujitsu, go to a gym,

00:18:45.800 sign up for some sort of physical event, go to a public speaking, go to a networking event,

00:18:52.600 like just push yourself. Reading is important and you should read. And there's a couple of

00:18:58.460 recommendations that I gave you, but like go out and do something. And that's how you're going to

00:19:03.800 develop grit. Not by sitting there, reading a book, reading is great as long as you apply it.

00:19:08.380 So what I would suggest is that you actually go out and you do something hard, something that puts you

00:19:13.480 in an uncomfortable position and something that you have to claw and fight and scrape your way out

00:19:18.000 of, or, or get better and improve so that you can make yourself capable of dealing with that

00:19:22.700 circumstance or that environment. You know, a lot of guys will ask, like, I'm not confident

00:19:26.620 with my public speaking. So how do I get better? You go public, you go speak in public and that I'm

00:19:32.820 not saying go speak to 5,000 people, but you go to a networking function where you're talking to one

00:19:37.780 to two to three people at a time. Well, Ryan, I I'm just not good with women. How do, how do I get 1.00

00:19:42.760 better? When I talk with women, go talk with women. That's how you get better. And you look 0.81

00:19:47.620 for feedback and you improve and you get better. How do I, how do I get better in being assertive?

00:19:53.360 Cause I made a post on Instagram the other day about being more assertive. Well, right. How do I,

00:19:57.040 how do I get better at being assertive? You quite literally become more assertive. When somebody asks

00:20:02.520 you, Hey, where do you want to eat? You tell them exactly where you want to eat. Or you even suggest

00:20:07.860 it before they ask you, Hey guys, I'm thinking about going to Johnny's restaurant. Um, we're going

00:20:14.660 to be, we're going to go on Wednesday at noon. Do you want to go? Right. Or somebody says, Hey,

00:20:19.700 what would you like to do this weekend? Do you actually have an idea and a plan? And you suggest

00:20:23.280 where you want to go. And then this one individual who was asking me about assertiveness,

00:20:26.880 uh, I suggested to him a very simple yet challenging exercise. And I said, I believe I said for the next

00:20:34.740 week, ask for a discount, wherever you go, just ask for a discount, wherever you go. And he's like,

00:20:40.660 Oh, what does that have to do with being more assertive? And I said, just try it. Just go ask

00:20:46.360 for a discount everywhere you go and see if you don't become more assertive. You, of course you will,

00:20:51.520 because it's awkward and it's uncomfortable and, and you don't want to do it. You feel weird. And

00:20:57.680 that's exactly why you should do it because it's an exercise in communicating and not being freaked

00:21:03.380 out about a weird or awkward, uncomfortable situation. That's going to help you be more

00:21:07.600 assertive. So to come back to this, I want to know what other reads do you recommend for mental

00:21:11.880 guidance or excuse me, mental toughness and gentlemen guidance. Go do something that's tough.

00:21:18.140 Go do a Spartan race, go do a marathon, go to your first jujitsu class, go, go learn a new skill.

00:21:25.580 And that's going to be tough. And you're going to get better. All right. Start the world says it's a,

00:21:31.740 it's going to be okay in regards to my beard. So good to know that Jack's on my side there.

00:21:37.280 Uh, let's see what else we got here. How to, okay. So this is, uh, aren't, aren't, aren't,

00:21:47.320 I don't even know how to say this or in a gut neck, something like that. I don't even know how

00:21:51.680 to pronounce that, but he says how to get out of analyzing thinking and go to without action.

00:21:57.520 Well, you just got to turn that off. You just got to turn it off. Cause you know,

00:22:01.320 when you're doing it, like, you know, when you're overthinking things, you know, when you're,

00:22:05.440 you're analyzing and you have paralysis by analysis, you know, when you're doing it.

00:22:10.860 And so the thing that you have to do is say, you know what, I'm going to stop doing this,

00:22:14.620 right? You're in this pattern. You're in this rut. You've got to change it. And you've got to be

00:22:18.620 abrupt about it. I'm going to stop thinking about this thing, whatever this thing is.

00:22:22.540 And I'm just going to decide. Well, right. How do you do that? You just decide.

00:22:28.300 That is the answer. If you're faced with two options and two choices, I mean, there's things that

00:22:33.600 you can do, right? You can read about those things. You can study, you can research, you can analyze,

00:22:38.780 you can take a course to learn more about this information. You could ask people who have gone

00:22:44.280 through similar circumstances and experiences. You can do all of that. And you should do all of

00:22:48.720 that. But at the end of the day, you've just got to decide. The other thing I would consider is

00:22:55.320 getting better at making decisions on things that are seemingly insignificant. So if you're faced with

00:23:01.520 going to dinner and you're wondering between, between two options, just choose the first one.

00:23:06.580 That's it. Just choose the first one. If you're on a hike and you're wondering,

00:23:12.440 oh, should I go this way or to this hike or that, or what should I do? Just pick one. Literally just

00:23:16.680 any, many, many, many, many. I don't care. Just pick one because it's not going to have a big

00:23:20.900 relevancy in your life and it will help you get better at making decisions. But you know when you're

00:23:27.300 doing it. In fact, you're probably doing it right now just because you're asking that question.

00:23:31.480 You're probably in your head, you're thinking, you're analyzing. I get it because I used to be

00:23:36.500 in this situation. I used to do the very same thing. And the way that I got over it is I just

00:23:41.920 started making decisions. And there's a follow-up to that too. You have to analyze your decisions.

00:23:47.660 Like it's not enough just to make a decision and then be good at making decisions. You have to make

00:23:53.060 a decision. Then you have to act. Then you have to review it. Because if you don't review it,

00:23:59.480 you don't actually know if you made a good decision or not. So make your decision, get to

00:24:05.720 work, review it. And then you'll know, oh yeah, that was a good decision. Oh, that was a bad decision.

00:24:10.900 So next time I need to make a decision, I'm going to do something else. But this is the three-step

00:24:14.680 process to get out of your head. Decide, act, and review it. And then do it all over again.

00:24:22.920 Excuse me. This is from Jay Greeny Green. He says, or she says, I guess, I don't know how to

00:24:30.780 start the conversations with my son, 21 and 12 about, so it's him because he says about my

00:24:36.840 failings as their father. So 21 and 12, your conversations with Bedros really forced me to 1.00

00:24:43.340 take a look at those missed duties and opportunities. Well, look, I think you just

00:24:49.600 start with, with an apology, but it's gotta be specific, right? Cause listen, we've all had

00:24:57.860 somebody who said, you know, I'm really sorry. And you say, well, what are you sorry about?

00:25:00.620 They're like, um, I don't know. I'm just sorry. That's not a real apology. Cause it's not thoughtful

00:25:06.380 that that individual hasn't thought about anything. You know, my kids will come to me and they'll say,

00:25:09.880 sorry, dad, I'm really sorry about earlier. I'm like, well, okay. Well, what are you sorry about?

00:25:14.980 I'm just sorry. It's like, try again. You're not really sorry. But if they came to me and they said,

00:25:19.780 Hey, I'm sorry about, you know, my attitude towards my siblings. Okay. That's, that's more

00:25:24.580 legitimate. That's more credible. So what I would suggest is you're looking about how your performance

00:25:29.600 has been as a father for your 12 and 20, 21 year old sons, that you would really begin to identify

00:25:37.220 where it is specifically in exactly where you fallen short. Don't what I don't want you to do

00:25:43.920 is say, Hey guys, look, I'm sorry. I haven't been a great dad. What does that mean? Now, if on the

00:25:49.700 other hand, you said, Hey, look, there was some real opportunities and, and your sports events and

00:25:55.860 opportunities for me to be there and be present. And I didn't do that because I was so engaged with

00:26:00.700 work. And I want you to know that I've been reflecting on that and it's weighing heavy on my mind.

00:26:05.900 Now I realized we can't go back in time. I realized I can't make that time up, but here's

00:26:10.580 some things that I'm doing. And that's the next part of this is you, you, you apologize for the

00:26:17.220 wrongdoing. And then you come up with a plan that will actually be better moving forward. So, Hey guys,

00:26:25.160 you know, like I haven't been present for your games and I haven't been present in your life because I,

00:26:28.920 I was doing these things and that's not an excuse, but this is why. And here's what I'm going to do.

00:26:34.320 A, B and C in order to, to show you that I do genuinely feel this way about my, my performance

00:26:43.760 or, or, or my example to you or whatever it is. And so here's what I'm going to do. And then you

00:26:49.460 act on it. You got to carry through with it because if you don't carry through with it,

00:26:53.580 then it's going to fall on deaf ears. I mean, it's, it's empty and maybe you've done things like

00:26:59.260 this before. And then you haven't followed up on it. And that's actually worse because now you're

00:27:04.460 setting the precedent that your word isn't to be trusted. I actually think it's worse to apologize

00:27:11.400 for something and tell somebody you're going to do something different and then not do it.

00:27:15.660 Then it is just to not apologize to begin with, because we all make mistakes. We all mess up.

00:27:21.140 But if you apologize and say what you're going to do and you don't do it now, you're a liar.

00:27:24.480 So not only did you mess up on the front end, you're messing up now by not following through

00:27:29.000 with it. So if you want people to trust you, and this goes back to trust that question we

00:27:33.580 had earlier, then you got to be a man of your word, which means that as you come up with

00:27:37.320 plans and strategies to improve the relationship between you and your sons, you have to follow

00:27:42.600 through on it. And it might take a very long time. Your, your oldest is 21. You spent two

00:27:49.180 decades making the decisions that you've made to get you to the point where you're feeling

00:27:54.980 bad about those decisions. So you just going to your son or sons and saying, Hey, I'm sorry,

00:28:00.680 I messed up. That's not going to be enough. And it might take a very long time. In fact,

00:28:06.820 I mean, if we're being honest here, and we should be honest about this, it may never happen,

00:28:13.360 right? Because you can't control whether or not somebody accepts your apology or believes

00:28:20.100 in you anymore. You can't control that. You can only influence it. And you influence it

00:28:25.300 by again, making amends, apologizing for specifically what you did wrong and how you showed up, explaining

00:28:33.380 and communicating your plan of action for improvement, and then following up consistently,

00:28:38.900 unceasingly, without fail, following up. That's how I've done it. And that's how I haven't done

00:28:47.720 it, by the way, in the past. And obviously it doesn't go well. The times I do, it goes well.

00:28:53.360 All right. Let's see what else we got. Protein and pancake says, have you ever heard of the good

00:28:59.920 supervisor versus bad supervisor scenario? If so, what are your thoughts? It's worked wonders for me

00:29:05.420 in terms of teaching parenting and leadership skills in my line of work and might be of use to

00:29:09.860 some of the men in our group. I have never heard of the good supervisor versus bad supervisor scenario.

00:29:16.000 I'm assuming there's a teaching lesson in there that it's not just good supervisors or bad supervisors,

00:29:21.720 but I'm not familiar with it. So I'll have to look it up. All right, here we go.

00:29:35.420 Okay. So this is from Geo Claire. Geo Claire, I think is how it said. I think a great financial

00:29:40.740 program for the group would be beneficial. I'm not a financial guy, so don't think I'm trying to

00:29:45.300 plug anyone here, but I bet COVID finances are causing some family disruption. I know we've

00:29:50.020 personally been hit pretty hard, just a suggestion instead of a question. Yeah. I mean, I think finances

00:29:57.440 are important. We had Chris Hogan on the podcast. We've had other incredible men on the podcast to talk

00:30:02.440 about finances. I don't know about a finance program necessarily. We do have a program inside

00:30:07.700 of the iron council. It's our financial assistance program where members of the iron council contribute

00:30:13.500 to a financial assistance fund. And then if existing members are falling upon hard times financially due

00:30:19.920 to COVID or anything else, then they can tap into that fund. The only thing we ask in return is that

00:30:25.400 when they get back on their feet, they pay it forward and contribute to the financial assistance fund

00:30:30.280 when they get back on their feet. Uh, so, I mean, that is one thing we offer in the iron council,

00:30:35.960 but as far as a financial program, I think there's enough programs out there.

00:30:39.960 You know, I look at it. My job is to, to curate a little bit in a way. So I'm going to find other

00:30:45.000 programs, other people, other books, other information, and then I'm going to plug them

00:30:49.580 into what we're doing. And then if you need some sort of financial information or insight,

00:30:54.200 then all those resources are available. We all, we are also, and I, and I talked with, um,

00:31:00.680 with, uh, my assistant slash logistics coordinator slash podcast booking extraordinaire.

00:31:12.340 We haven't given her a title yet, but, uh, she does a tremendous job and she does a lot for us here.

00:31:18.760 So, uh, we, I have talked with her briefly about, uh, getting involved in, uh, a charitable

00:31:24.640 organization or creating our own, which is actually something we might be doing this year as well.

00:31:30.060 All right. Austin, Austin 36. What are your thoughts on rugby? I'm not real familiar with rugby,

00:31:35.940 but I think it's bad-ass. I think the, the, the, the guys that I see play rugby are tough and hardened

00:31:44.720 and gritty and bad-asses, but I don't know the rules. I don't know the sport I've never played.

00:31:54.480 I would, you know, if somebody wanted to get a pickup game of rugby, like let's go do it, but,

00:31:59.180 um, not real familiar with rugby. Uh, but it looks awesome. Uh, let's see what else we got here.

00:32:06.700 221, uh, 221 be tactical says, what would you say the right of passages for a young men entering

00:32:16.160 adulthood in America is today? Many cultures have this. Do we, I don't think we have something that's

00:32:23.600 just built in. I mean, outside of military service, uh, sports, other programs in the past, like

00:32:31.080 scouting, things like that. I don't think we have anything built in, which is actually part of the

00:32:35.320 problem. You know, it used to be that the tribes specifically for young men, uh, would quite

00:32:42.180 literally take the child, the young boy, take the child away from his mother and from the women of 1.00

00:32:48.740 the tribe. So they would take them away. And then what they would, they would go through a series of

00:32:54.680 challenges. It might be something like you're going to go live in the wilderness until you kill

00:32:59.760 your first animal. And then when you kill your first animal and you prove that you can be competent

00:33:05.120 and you can contribute and be valuable to the tribe, then you get to come back. And then whether

00:33:13.020 it's a tattoo or a scar, there's usually some sort of marking that says you have been initiated.

00:33:19.800 And then the men of the village, they welcome you back among the men. And then, and only then do you

00:33:26.960 go back to the village where the women are, but you come back a man instead of a boy. And I think

00:33:32.660 that's very powerful. I think we should have things like that. And unfortunately we don't,

00:33:37.240 I've got a series of rites of passages that I go through. You can go back and type and write a

00:33:41.320 passage in this podcast, uh, a series of rites of passages for my children, my sons and my daughter.

00:33:47.180 And my, uh, my oldest has been on three cause he's 12. So we do it every two years. Uh, and then

00:33:55.600 my second has done two since he's 10. Um, and then we haven't done any for the others cause they're

00:34:02.480 not eight yet. And that's when we start. So we go through a series of rites of passages, but

00:34:06.120 yeah, unfortunately, um, there just isn't anything. There isn't anything. And so we have to create it.

00:34:14.500 That's part of the reason that I wanted to create the legacy event. It's a father son event. And we can

00:34:18.560 bring these boys in and teach them and challenge them physically, mentally, emotionally, and put them in

00:34:23.720 challenging, uh, and difficult circumstances with their fathers and then allow them to do things

00:34:30.080 that they did not previously think themselves capable of. And that's actually part of a rite

00:34:34.520 of passages. It has to be hard. It has to be challenging and demanding. And they have to take

00:34:38.780 pride in knowing they completed. If it was easy, there's no pride that comes from that. So yeah,

00:34:44.660 it's just not there unless again, military sports, things like that. So we have to, I was going to say

00:34:51.260 fabricate, but it's not about that seems fake, but we do have to create these, these moments and

00:34:56.600 these opportunities for our young men. It's a big problem in society actually, because we got a

00:35:00.380 bunch of adult males, not men, adult males running around. They've never been initiated. They've never

00:35:06.820 done anything difficult or demanding or challenging. I remember, for example, when I joined the military,

00:35:11.240 I had played sports at that point for when I joined, I was 18. So I'd, I'd probably play,

00:35:16.740 played sports for 13 years, 14 years of my life and competitive organized sports, whether it was a

00:35:25.080 city league or through schools, other programs. And it was interesting when I went to basic training

00:35:31.160 because I could see who had played competitive sports and who hadn't based on who could, what,

00:35:37.820 what one of the soldiers there could handle another grown man getting in their face and yelling at them.

00:35:43.420 Like when I, I, basic training was easy. I mean, it was long, it was boring. You know,

00:35:48.320 we had to wake up early and we had to sit around a lot and, you know, it was physically demanding

00:35:52.000 and challenging, but it wasn't like mentally tough. It wasn't, it wasn't taxing that way.

00:35:58.040 It was actually very easy that way because I'd already been initiated. Like my, my coaches would

00:36:04.520 get up in my face and grab me by the face mask and jerk my head around. Cause I missed a block.

00:36:09.780 I had, I had another coach who I think very highly of Matt Labrum. He's been on the podcast. In fact,

00:36:15.000 we're still in touch and still have a great relationship. Think very highly of him. I mean,

00:36:19.260 he would just, you know, he would yell, but the worst thing that he could do was he would just put

00:36:23.960 his head down and just walk away. And you just knew how disappointed he was. So I was initiated

00:36:29.900 through sports. And so when I got to basic training, it wasn't hard, but I saw, I saw these 18 year old,

00:36:37.660 you know, kids who had never had somebody in their face and their grill yelling at them,

00:36:43.000 spitting on them as they're chewing them out for doing something stupid. And these kids

00:36:47.900 quite literally broke down. So yeah, it's, uh, men need to be initiated. That's what I'm doing with

00:36:56.700 my children. They need to be initiated. It just doesn't happen on its own. And society seems to

00:37:01.200 reject it. You know, it's funny. I listened to, um, Mike Ritland's podcast. In fact, I don't think

00:37:06.240 he's come out with a new one for a while, but I think he talks about, if I remember right,

00:37:10.720 when he has his seal guests on or other special operators on, uh, he'll talk about their favorite

00:37:17.620 hazing memory and, and haze, like hazing is a swear word now, right? You can't, you can't haze

00:37:23.720 people. Well, as long as it's done with the right intention and it's not like dangerous, like I

00:37:29.120 actually think there's some real value to it. It's part of the initiation process that I talked about

00:37:33.540 earlier. So yeah, it's, it is important. Um, and we've got some plans. I've got some plans. I'm

00:37:38.680 not going to disclose what we've got going on, but, uh, we do have some plans. All right. Let's

00:37:43.280 see what else we got here. Uh, hold on one second. Just scrolling through all these beard comments

00:37:49.980 here. All right. So here's one from, uh, S I don't even know how to say this. S P I E S M J top five 0.92

00:37:57.860 things a man can do to support his wife and new child right before and after post childbirth.

00:38:05.880 You're doing it, man. You're, you're already probably do. Congratulations. You're expecting

00:38:09.160 your first baby in mid-March. Congratulations on that again, because you're thinking about it.

00:38:13.860 You're already doing it. You just, you just be supportive. You just love on her. You support her

00:38:18.500 the way that she can. You help her out. You assist her. Um, patience is going to be a big thing.

00:38:23.580 That was a struggle for me, especially when we had our, our first couple of children is

00:38:27.420 just being patient and intolerant and understanding of what she might be experiencing. I was going to

00:38:34.220 say understanding of what she is experiencing, but how could you understand? We never have to go

00:38:38.520 through it as men. Contrary to the doctrine of popular culture, men cannot have babies. Okay. So

00:38:45.860 men have never experienced childbirth. We, now we have experienced it through our own lens,

00:38:51.560 but not the actual act of bringing a child into the world. Okay. Let's be clear on that. I think

00:38:58.420 everybody listening to this podcast can attest to that, but there might be a few who are questioning.

00:39:02.620 So I just want to be very clear. Men don't have babies. Um, but yeah, you just support, man. You

00:39:08.760 just love, you just, you just, you just be patient. You help out where you can, you know, if you don't

00:39:15.740 ask her, Hey, what can I do to help? Just identify what you can do to help. It's always funny when

00:39:20.840 somebody says, Hey, what can I do to help? Like, do you really want to help? Cause if you really

00:39:24.900 did, you would probably actually just figure something out, identify it and then say, Hey,

00:39:28.720 I noticed X, Y, and Z. I'm going to go ahead and take care of this. Or you wouldn't even

00:39:31.600 say anything about you just go do it. So if the dishes need to be done or the house needs to be

00:39:36.780 straightened up, or there's some projects that, you know, maybe haven't gotten done around the house,

00:39:40.380 that would be a good time to get it done. Especially as it makes things more easy and convenient

00:39:44.640 for her with a new baby, then you do it. And you don't ask because that's just putting more workload

00:39:50.140 on her plate. You just do it. Let's get after it, man. Congratulations. It's a challenging time,

00:39:56.620 but a very, very rewarding time. I've got four kids. And like I said, it's challenging,

00:40:02.360 but it's very rewarding as well. All right. Roaming Moto says, I have a five-year-old girl

00:40:08.140 and a two-year-old son. Sometimes I find myself losing my cool. When the house gets hectic,

00:40:13.440 welcome to the club. I get the same way. I'll get pretty ramped up when they are not listening

00:40:18.180 or when there's compounding issues with their craziness. I try really hard to remind myself

00:40:22.620 that they are tiny little humans. Not only, Hey, look, I'm going to read the rest of this in a

00:40:26.920 minute. Not only are they tiny little humans, they're tiny little clones of you. So think about

00:40:32.300 that when you consider the way they're behaving. But sometimes I feel like driving my head through

00:40:37.040 a door. Totally. What are some ways to keep your cool and remain level when the house feels like it's

00:40:43.520 coming unwound? Well, there's a lot I think you can do here. And I have these same issues,

00:40:47.780 Roaming Moto. So I know where you're coming from on this. Look, I tend to have to detach a little bit

00:40:53.200 because I do get heated. I do get upset. And then I say things and do things and come across in a way

00:40:58.620 that isn't conducive to the type of relationship I'm trying to create with my children. So I will

00:41:02.980 quite literally disengage. I'm not talking about leave for the night or the weekend. I'm not talking

00:41:07.560 about that, but I might go outside and do a quick walk or just take the dogs to the bathroom or

00:41:13.980 what go, go to the basement and, you know, organize my tools like where I get some semblance of quiet

00:41:22.720 and the ability to organize my thoughts and where I'm coming from. That's what I will do. And then I

00:41:28.540 will come back into the dialogue and the conversation that needs to be had. I don't sweep it under the rug.

00:41:33.560 It needs to be had, but I want to make sure I'm coming from the right place. So if you always

00:41:38.580 remember, what is your objective with raising children? Your objective is actually not to have

00:41:43.980 a clean house. Like your objective in raising the kids is not for their bedroom to be cleaned.

00:41:49.420 That's part of the raising process, but your objective is to raise good little human beings.

00:41:56.680 So keeping things tidy and neat and organized and clutter-free is actually part of

00:42:03.440 raising good little humans. So it's not that I want you to have a clean room. It's my overall

00:42:09.940 objective is to raise you to be this good and decent and capable, strong, assertive, bold person,

00:42:16.180 a person of character. And part of that means that we do these things. And so if I always keep my eye

00:42:21.800 on what it is I'm after, not the clean room or the clean house, but raising righteous little

00:42:26.300 children that are going to go out and produce and add more value than they take away, then making sure

00:42:31.980 that I'm communicating this and teaching them why this is important is going to be a critical thing.

00:42:37.000 The other thing I would say is that you have boundaries. You know, if the house is getting

00:42:40.360 chaotic and hectic and things like that, then maybe there's some boundaries that can be put in place

00:42:45.960 before it gets to that point. You know, if their toys are scattered everywhere, maybe you tell them,

00:42:52.100 Hey, your toys have to be isolated to the certain room. And if I find toys outside of this particular

00:42:57.840 room, your bedroom or the living room, family room, wherever you're doing your thing, then I'm

00:43:01.920 going to take those toys and I'm going to donate them to Goodwill. And then you have to do it because

00:43:09.380 the first time they lose a toy, they're going to realize, Oh, dad was serious about that.

00:43:15.860 So you create the boundaries, you communicate the boundaries, and this is the hardest part. The third

00:43:21.540 tier of this, you follow through and uphold the boundaries, but that's not fun. Like what father

00:43:27.240 wants to take away their kid's toy, but it has to be done. So your children can learn again, to be

00:43:33.660 good little human beings. So I hope that helps. All right. This one is from Superman. How much does

00:43:44.640 your spiritual foundation inform your view of the function of masculinity? Uh, it it's very much

00:43:52.520 involved. I'm a Christian. It's very much involved. Um, the spirituality, you know, the,

00:43:58.940 the, the spiritual component, my religion is, is a very important foundation of the way that I view

00:44:04.560 masculinity in the way that I believe men show up in the way that husbands and fathers and leaders in

00:44:10.960 the community have an obligation, a responsibility to serve others. And that I try to be good and

00:44:15.220 righteous. So it's at the foundation of everything I do now, I will say this, and I don't talk about this

00:44:20.300 a whole lot, but this is very important for you to know. Uh, I don't approach the order of man

00:44:25.280 podcast from a spiritual perspective. And there's varying viewpoints on that. I've had a lot of

00:44:30.320 people say, Oh, you should talk more about it because, uh, you, you shouldn't be ashamed of,

00:44:34.760 of your religion or your spirit spirituality. And I'm not ashamed of it. That's not why I don't talk

00:44:40.060 about it. And I've other, I've had other people who had said, you know, I really appreciate that you

00:44:44.380 don't talk about it because then we can have discussions and we may not all agree. And, uh,

00:44:49.440 we can still incorporate some of these principles, but it isn't under the, under the umbrella of

00:44:54.860 Christianity or religion or some other faith. And so we appreciate that. And, and, and here's

00:45:01.100 something that, again, I don't, I don't share this a whole lot. I feel compelled by God to do this work.

00:45:09.240 I do. I feel, I feel like all of the experiences and the hardships and the struggles and the things

00:45:16.420 that have gone well, and the things that have not gone so well. And all of my experiences up to this

00:45:21.200 point have led me to where I am now to lead this movement, to equip you men with the tools and

00:45:27.820 resources and conversations and everything that you need to thrive in your own space and to lead your

00:45:33.500 own people. But I also feel compelled to do it, not under the tone of spirituality or religion,

00:45:40.880 but in, in a non-religious secular way, even though those foundational principles lie at the

00:45:49.680 foundation of what we're doing, because I can reach more people. If I talk about it, not from

00:45:56.260 the context of spirituality, but the context of being a good and decent, moral, capable, strong

00:46:03.020 man. So again, people will debate that with me. Oh, you should talk more. Oh, you shouldn't talk.

00:46:09.060 Oh, you should. It's like for every one person that says, should there's another one person that

00:46:13.240 says I shouldn't. And so I've done it this way. And you know, the other thing that I've got to say

00:46:18.600 is that when people have disagreements or debates, and most of this stuff is civil, you, you won't

00:46:25.160 ever, I won't say you won't ever, you were, you will very rarely hear me appeal to God on that.

00:46:34.660 So like, if, if somebody says to me, well, I believe this, even though I might believe

00:46:39.160 something different because of my spiritual background, my religious background, I won't

00:46:43.040 say, well, in the Bible, it says this because that's wasted effort. Like why would I try to

00:46:49.520 convince somebody that I'm right based on the Bible? If that person doesn't even recognize that

00:46:55.340 as an authority, it just, it just doesn't make for a great discussion. And that person can poke all

00:47:02.200 sorts of holes in it. So usually when I'm in a debate or discussion with somebody, there has to

00:47:06.820 be some sort of common ground, right? We're going to discuss, but we're all, for example, if we're

00:47:12.400 going to discuss, you know, how to put a, uh, how to put a rocket or a man on Mars, then we all have

00:47:20.320 to believe in math and we all have to be doing the same math, right? If you and me were working

00:47:27.100 on Elon Musk team to put a man on Mars. And we were tasked with the rocket propulsion to get there.

00:47:35.080 And I believed in math as we know it. And you believed in some other weird theory that had,

00:47:40.680 you know, no relevancy on what we're doing that nobody else adheres to, or nobody else agrees with

00:47:45.580 like, how's that going to work? It's not going to work. So as much as I feel compelled by God to do

00:47:53.220 this work, I feel compelled to come at it from this approach because we can reach more men and we can

00:48:00.060 have a greater impact on not only their lives, but their families and their communities and their

00:48:04.360 neighbors and coworkers and every other person that they interact with. So very long answer to

00:48:10.640 your short question. Yeah. It's, it's my, what we talk about and the way that I view masculinity is

00:48:16.660 very much rooted and founded in my spiritual beliefs. All right. Uh, buzz buzzle broadcast says,

00:48:25.260 where do we ask a question? You just asked a question right in the comments. So that's where

00:48:29.400 you would ask a question. Uh, freedom frogger 2.0. I'm a 20 year old guy who has had to pull himself

00:48:36.540 up by his bootstraps and has been forging myself into the future man. I want to be for the last two

00:48:41.520 years. At this point, I'm now trying to find the right woman to build a lifelong relationship with, 0.88

00:48:47.060 but I'm having a hard time finding qualified women. What are some things to look for? And also 1.00

00:48:52.020 some red flags to look out for in a woman. Well, I did a podcast. I wish I would have looked this up. 0.99

00:48:58.740 I did a podcast probably six months or maybe even longer ago. And I talked about things that I look

00:49:02.640 for in a, that I, that I would look for in a woman. Now I'm happily married and I've been married 0.99

00:49:07.260 for 17 years. This year, we've been together for 19, almost 20 years. So what I would look for

00:49:14.940 in a woman is somebody who is strong, somebody who's capable, somebody who has a growth mindset, 1.00

00:49:23.320 somebody who is also independent. I don't need to be the center of her universe. I don't,

00:49:28.140 I don't want to be the center of my wife's universe because it might feel good for a minute, 1.00

00:49:32.260 but it's going to become exhausting because I know guys who are at the center of their wife's lives.

00:49:39.800 And it, I could not do it. I don't know how they do it. Honestly, I'm like, bro, she's calling you

00:49:45.460 every 10 minutes or every half an hour. And, and, and you, you can't go out to buddies without asking

00:49:50.060 her and begging for permission. And, and then you're worried about her because she's alone. And

00:49:54.640 is she going to be okay? Like mentally, is she, no, I, I don't know how they do it.

00:50:00.180 I want some, my wife, very independent. She doesn't need me around. And that's an interesting

00:50:07.260 thought. You know, I don't need her around. She doesn't need me around, but here's the difference.

00:50:11.420 We want each other around. I enjoy her company. I hope, I think most of the time she enjoys my company,

00:50:17.980 but we don't need each other to like survive. Like you're my, you're my everything you complete me.

00:50:24.020 No, there's other stuff I have to, you know, my, my kids are a big part of that. This movement is a

00:50:30.380 big part. My work, my career, my hobbies, activities, interests. That's a big part of

00:50:35.840 completing who I am. And it's, it's not like she is the one piece of the puzzle. She is a piece.

00:50:43.660 She's a critical piece, but she's a piece of the puzzle. And I think that's what we need to be aware

00:50:51.320 of. And that's what we need to look for in a woman. I would say red flags are drama. 1.00

00:50:57.300 Like I have no time for drama in my life, none whatsoever. I don't want it. I'm not interested

00:51:03.160 in it. I don't have time for it. And so if you have a woman who has drama of any kind, baggage, 1.00

00:51:11.400 emotional baggage, past boyfriends and relationships that are, you know, toxic. And

00:51:17.340 I don't, I don't want to deal with that. And I don't, I don't think you should want to deal with

00:51:22.680 that either because it's going to create a strain on an already challenging endeavor, partnering with

00:51:28.760 somebody for the rest of your life. That's a challenge. That's a struggle. Every day. It's

00:51:32.240 a struggle. It's a fulfilling struggle. It's rewarding. It makes me a better man, but it's still

00:51:38.200 a challenge. So if you see any sign of drama, yeah, fidelity issues, that, that, that's a deal

00:51:47.100 breaker for me. Cause that's indicative of character flaws. I think, I think, you know what

00:51:52.580 they are here. The hard part is, is like guys will say, and I see this all the time in the Facebook

00:51:56.540 group. Oh, but you know, I love her. I love, oh, but I love her. Love somebody else. I know this

00:52:03.060 sounds harsh and there's going to be people who think I'm being a total jerk right now. And you know

00:52:07.460 what? So be it. I'd rather be viewed as a jerk than be miserable in my relationship. So love

00:52:16.420 somebody else. There was a guy, for example, he said he was in the Facebook group just about a

00:52:21.340 week ago. He's like, Hey, I've got this, this woman I've been dating. I really like her. That's

00:52:24.920 the, that's the verb that she used. I really like her, but she's got five kids and, you know, I don't

00:52:30.240 know if I want five children and I don't, I know it's hard. And he was talking about this, like he

00:52:34.320 didn't want it. And I'm like, yeah, well, you probably ought to listen to your gut. And some

00:52:39.400 people say, well, Ryan, you don't think you should be with her just because she had, she has kids.

00:52:44.860 I think he should be with her or not with her for whatever reason he wants.

00:52:49.740 People say, it's so funny. This, this, this, again, it's about society. Everybody's supposed

00:52:55.040 to be tolerant and embrace and, and, and just acquiesce to everybody else. Look, you know, if you

00:53:02.180 don't like blondes, don't date blondes. Oh, well, I can't believe you. You don't like 1.00

00:53:06.040 blondes. Oh, what's up with that? It's just a preference. And if a woman has five kids and 1.00

00:53:12.320 you really like her, but you're not sure that you want to be a father and, and deal with,

00:53:18.520 frankly, you're going to have to deal with everything that goes into that. You being a

00:53:21.900 stepfather, the discipline issues, her ex, the kid's father, like you're going to have to deal

00:53:26.900 with all that. And if you're not up to it, that's reason enough. But if you are up to

00:53:33.680 it, here's the counter to that. If you are up to it, then be the best dad that you can

00:53:40.160 be. You know, Kit, my co-host, you know, he's a stepfather, but he doesn't say these

00:53:45.880 are my stepkids. He's, he's like, these are my children. And he was up to that, that task

00:53:51.880 and up to that challenge. And him, his wife and children and stepchildren have a wonderful

00:53:57.220 relationship. They have a wonderful family. And I commend him for that. So it's a, it's

00:54:02.200 really a personal preference. I know I'm getting off tangent on what you talked about freedom

00:54:06.680 frogger, but yeah, I think those are some things that I would look for and some things

00:54:10.820 that I would avoid. All right. Let's keep going here. How are we doing on time? All right.

00:54:17.340 I'll take a couple of more. Hold on one second. Let me find some Michael Marseca says, Ryan,

00:54:23.720 I'm a 22 year old man who's getting ready for graduate, excuse me, ready to graduate

00:54:28.000 from college. My degree is in construction management and I plan to become a construction

00:54:32.480 project manager. The construction industry is full of knowledgeable men who I strive to

00:54:36.840 be like. Do you have any advice for me to gain the respect of these men quickly so

00:54:40.860 I can learn as much as possible from them? Yeah. Ask them good questions, which I define

00:54:47.200 a good question as being specific, being something that you just couldn't find on your own. Like

00:54:52.760 if you can Google it, then Google it. Don't ask these guys, those kinds of questions, have

00:54:56.080 it be a specific question, an open-ended question. So make it powerful and, and then act on it.

00:55:03.620 That's, that's actually how you build people's trust. Oh, and then you report.

00:55:08.620 So if I, so for example, Michael, let me give you an example here. You're asking me for

00:55:13.940 advice. You asked a good question. Do you have an advice for me to gain the

00:55:17.180 respect of these men? I think that's a valid point. I don't think that's something that

00:55:21.420 you could just easily type into Google and find an answer to. You're asking me, which

00:55:25.680 is a compliment. You wouldn't ask me if you didn't think I had relevant information to

00:55:29.060 share or didn't respect me in some way. So good question. You got point one taken care

00:55:35.880 of. Point two is then to go do it. If somebody gives you advice, then you, and you ask them

00:55:41.060 and they gave you advice, then I think you're obligated to go try it. You know, I've had

00:55:44.880 people who ask me questions, especially when I was doing my financial planning practice

00:55:48.260 and we were having a lot of success and I'd have guys come to me and they'd say, Hey,

00:55:51.800 you know, Ryan, how do you build a practice or how do you get new clients or how do you

00:55:54.660 do this? And how do you do that? And I'd say, well, you know, here's a couple ideas and

00:55:57.340 here's some thoughts and some jet suggestions. Oh yeah. No, I, yeah, I tried that. It doesn't

00:56:02.640 work. I don't know. It's like, why are you even asking me? Clearly you haven't tried it

00:56:08.620 because it's exactly what I did and I had success. So you're not doing it correctly or you

00:56:13.760 haven't tried it at all. And you're just saying it because you thought it was better

00:56:16.780 to ask. And that is what's interesting about question asking. Sometimes people that ask

00:56:21.440 questions, they just want attention. So, so you got to have pure motives here too, Michael.

00:56:27.220 Do you want attention from these guys or do you want to learn from these? Now you've said

00:56:31.160 you want to learn. So I'll take your word at that. I'm sure that's the case. So you asked

00:56:35.860 a good question, got point one taken care of. Now you go do it and then you return and

00:56:42.140 report. You tell them how it went. Hey, Ryan, you know, I tried that. I tried that

00:56:46.760 advice. And, um, I went to this networking function and, uh, met a couple of guys and

00:56:51.860 I, and I offered to take them out for a coffee or for a breakfast. And we sat down

00:56:56.920 and I asked them some very poignant, strong, specific, open-ended questions. And here's

00:57:02.420 the things they told me to do. And, uh, and here's how it went. And you came back and

00:57:07.320 you told me that you're going to build credibility and trust in my eyes. Cause

00:57:11.440 now I'm going to see that you're a young man who asks good questions, who

00:57:17.160 executes, which is increasingly hard to find and who values you enough to come

00:57:23.340 back and tell you, thank you. And I appreciate the advice that you gave those,

00:57:29.060 that three-part formula is a huge credibility booster because right now you

00:57:33.440 don't have a whole lot to offer them. You don't like, what are you going to offer

00:57:39.340 somebody who's been in construction management for the past 20 years? And you

00:57:43.520 just graduated college, nothing, no connections, no on the job experience,

00:57:50.700 nothing. So the value that you offer is making that individual feel important and

00:57:57.640 feel wanted and feel excited to actually give you advice. You know, one of the worst

00:58:02.060 things that can happen is that you ask somebody for advice and they give it to

00:58:06.220 you and you, whether you implement it or not, you just never follow up, but you

00:58:10.360 just ghost that individual. Why would you do that? You got like part of the

00:58:16.140 equation. So again, the three-part formula is asking good, solid, powerful,

00:58:21.620 specific, open-ended questions, doing the work, like actually doing what they tell you

00:58:25.980 to do. And then returning and telling them exactly how it went and thanking him for getting

00:58:32.000 you on the path. That's how you build trust. Let's see what else we got here.

00:58:40.520 I'm looking at these comments, the like beard comments. So, uh, all right, here's, here's an

00:58:46.600 interesting one. We'll take one or two more. I probably said that five questions ago. Josiah

00:58:50.980 Metcalf says, how much should I push my inner circle towards their stated goals without alienating

00:58:56.000 them or pushing them away? How do you suggest encouraging them through support instead of

00:59:01.460 offering leadership management of their progress? Well, leadership doesn't mean you're directing

00:59:06.420 them. That's not what leadership is. Leadership isn't like do this, do that, do this, do that.

00:59:11.640 That's not leadership. Leadership is getting an individual to go to a place that either he or

00:59:18.280 she could not have imagined or was not capable of going on their own. And sometimes that means

00:59:24.680 you do need to prod. Sometimes you will. Like with my children, I got to poke a little bit.

00:59:28.480 I got to prod a little bit. And other times it means you need to be out front and you need to

00:59:32.800 be leading by example. And other times it means you just need to get out of the way.

00:59:38.220 Think about that. You're leading by getting out of the way. If I give my children a directive

00:59:43.260 or an objective and I ask them, how are you going to complete this? What is it that you're going to

00:59:48.820 do? Okay, good, go. And I just get out of their way. I free the path for them to step into that

00:59:54.900 thing and execute and learn and receive feedback and fail or win and get better because they went

01:00:01.880 through that entire process. So the thing I would be careful of doing though, Josiah, is I'd be very

01:00:08.380 careful of offering unsolicited feedback. It's a dangerous game. It just doesn't work.

01:00:15.620 It might work in rare cases, but not always. So when you say, how much should I push my inner

01:00:20.380 circle towards your stated goals without alienating them or pushing them away? Have they asked you to

01:00:25.480 do that? If they have, then I think you're in the right to do that. If they haven't asked you to do

01:00:32.320 that, then no, I don't, I don't think you should because you're offering unsolicited feedback and it

01:00:37.620 doesn't go well. So I think the best thing that you can do is ask good questions. This goes back to

01:00:43.480 the question from earlier, ask them good questions. Josiah, if you were in my inner circle and I know

01:00:51.460 you wanted to thrive and win, but you hadn't given me permission to give you insight, I would say,

01:00:55.700 Hey man, like, so what are some of your goals this year? You know, like I'm going to do X, Y,

01:01:01.580 and Z and I'm building this and starting this. I'm going to create this business. Like, what are you doing?

01:01:07.620 And they say, well, you know, I'm going to lose 50 pounds. Oh man, that's awesome. Like I actually

01:01:12.780 need to lose a little bit of weight too. So what's your, what's your plan and how are you going to do

01:01:17.340 that? Oh, well, you know, I just started this training program or I just bought this gym

01:01:21.560 membership. Oh, that's cool. I mean, I need to lose 20 pounds. Like, do you mind if I come work

01:01:27.920 out with you or we train together? That's a great way to get them going. Right. And they're like,

01:01:33.120 oh, cool. Now they have, and if he's like, maybe he doesn't really want it, or maybe they're not

01:01:37.140 really moving towards that direction. But if you say, Hey, like, can I come with you? That's

01:01:41.020 accountability now. Right. So now you've built in a level of accountability. And then because you have

01:01:47.320 the accountability, when if again, Josiah, you're in my inner circle and you don't show up, I'm going

01:01:52.600 to shoot you a text. And I'm not going to say, you need to be here on this date and this, because

01:01:57.740 that's not my place. But I might say, Hey bro, I missed you at the gym this morning. I got a, I got

01:02:02.500 a good, I got a good training in missed you. Whole balls. Well, everything. Okay. That's it. I mean,

01:02:09.400 that level of accountability is really going to separate the wheat from the chaff as the saying

01:02:14.440 goes, right? It's like, that's like how you're going to know if this individual is very interested

01:02:18.420 in this or not. So I hope that gives you some, some ideas on how to encourage, encourage your inner

01:02:26.800 circle. All right. Last one here. Okay. This is a good one to end on. This one's from

01:02:33.480 sharp, sharp, excuse me. Let me try that again. Sharpster. There we go. Sharpster seven. He says,

01:02:40.320 what would you say is a great way to be detached from your emotions? First of all, I don't think we

01:02:46.140 should detach from our emotions. So I'll explain that in a minute. I know emotions aren't necessarily

01:02:50.660 bad and obviously we'll feel them, but sometimes I get easily demotivated and down and I'll

01:02:56.780 feel worse if I don't make my day productive. I have the mentality of, I can get, still get stuff

01:03:01.600 done, but I'd like to accomplish more and not my, let my emotions deter me. So I don't think you

01:03:08.120 should detach from your emotions. And I think this is becoming increasingly popular. And part of the

01:03:15.480 reason is I know you guys listen, listen a lot to like Jocko and echelon front and Andy for sale and

01:03:20.040 some of these guys. And like Jocko talks a lot about detachment, right? But he's not talking about

01:03:25.180 detachment from emotions. He's talking about detachment from the scenario and you have to

01:03:30.980 detach from the scenario. And I think what also is happening here is you're giving your emotions

01:03:38.000 too much weight. That's what it sounds like to me, right? Like for example, I'll read this last part

01:03:43.620 of this. I have the mentality of I can still get stuff done, but I'd like to accomplish more and not

01:03:50.580 let my emotions deter me. You're giving your emotions too much relevancy. Emotions are a

01:03:57.240 factor. They're a metric. They are not the only metric. So if you're feeling bad and down about

01:04:05.180 something or guilty about something, then that should be looked at as a metric to figure out the

01:04:10.660 path moving forward. Emotions are there to serve you. Whether you believe in God and creation or

01:04:17.140 evolution or somewhere in between, we all have emotions and experience a wide range of emotions

01:04:23.240 for a reason. Wrap your head around. Emotions are a tool. Like a hammer is a tool. This phone that I'm

01:04:32.220 using is a tool. The computer and the camera and the microphone that I'm on right now are tools.

01:04:38.600 I'm not attached to this microphone. If this thing broke, you know, I'd be disappointed because I had

01:04:43.700 needed to buy a new one, but like, I'm not going to be attached to this thing.

01:04:49.660 It would be disappointing. And then I buy a new one and all would be well, and that's it.

01:04:54.060 And so what we tend to do is we give too much weight and relevancy to our emotions. And we think

01:04:58.840 that we can only make those decisions on emotions or that we should never feel bad. We have those for

01:05:04.400 a reason. Emotions are there to serve us. If they weren't over thousands or tens of thousands,

01:05:10.280 hundreds of thousands of years, we would not have evolved. We would not have had these emotions to

01:05:15.680 be here with us because they serve no purpose. So what is the purpose of an emotion? It's a metric.

01:05:24.160 It's feedback. That's all. If you're, if you feel guilty, maybe you actually should feel guilty.

01:05:30.940 Maybe that's the exact right way that you should be feeling. And again, when I go back to the doctrine

01:05:36.860 of popular culture, I don't want people to feel bad. Ah, we don't, you shouldn't feel guilty. You

01:05:40.840 shouldn't feel bad. You shouldn't feel sorrow. You shouldn't feel remorse. Really? I mean, I know

01:05:45.760 I've done some shitty things in my life that I feel bad about. And you know what? I should feel bad

01:05:49.640 about those. I know when I lose, when I don't perform the way that I want, even at jujitsu,

01:05:55.480 as I was training this morning, you know, you get submitted. I don't want to get submitted.

01:05:59.200 Oh, Ryan, you should just, you should just be happy. You're there. No bullshit. I don't want

01:06:07.080 to experience that. And that drives me to get better. When I'm angry, I try to figure out why

01:06:13.440 I'm angry. So I don't do that thing anymore. When I'm happy, I try to figure out exactly why I'm happy

01:06:20.960 so I can do more of whatever it is that made me happy. That's the point of emotions. And I,

01:06:28.680 and I talk about this in my book, Sovereignty, the battle for the hearts and minds of men.

01:06:32.860 The way I view emotions is the same way that I would view the gauges on my vehicle dashboard.

01:06:40.700 You've got the odometer, the speedometer, the fuel gauge, the oil pressure. Like you've got all the

01:06:45.960 gauges right there, right? You've got the check engine lights and the other lights that come on.

01:06:49.780 If the check engine light came on, on your dashboard, you're driving down the road,

01:06:53.040 you're going to your next appointment and the check engine light came on.

01:06:55.880 Would you like throw a temper tantrum? Like, Oh, I can't wait. Oh. And you'd have like a mental 0.83

01:07:01.800 breakdown that you wouldn't be able to perform or no. I mean, you might be pissed. You might be

01:07:06.760 bugged. You might be put out, but you would just call the mechanic and say, Hey, my check engine

01:07:12.740 lights on. Or if you're mechanically inclined, I'm not, you would run the diagnostics yourself and

01:07:17.820 you'd figure it out. And then you'd fix the problem. If you're driving down the road and the

01:07:22.840 little fuel gauge says bing, bing, bing, you know, you're low on fuel. You're not going to freak out

01:07:27.800 and like not perform. You're just going to go to the gas station and get gas. Those are emotions.

01:07:35.880 If you're pissed off, you shouldn't be pissed off that you're pissed off. You should say,

01:07:39.180 why am I pissed off? And what should I do about it? That's a complete thought.

01:07:42.760 An incomplete thought is, Oh, I'm pissed. Oh, I'm happy. Oh, I feel guilty. Oh, I'm angry.

01:07:52.880 Okay. Well, that's part of it. Like now, what do you do with that information?

01:07:58.500 That's how emotions are to be utilized. And by the way, when you couple emotions with emotional

01:08:05.620 maturity and understanding of your emotions with logic and rationale and the margin to be able to

01:08:11.740 think clearly, then you become a very powerful force to be reckoned with.

01:08:16.440 This is also part of the reason why a lot of people don't like the concept of stoicism. It's

01:08:20.660 because they don't understand stoicism. They think it's an absence of emotion. It's, it's not,

01:08:26.700 if you've studied the stoics, it's not, don't be emotional. It's something closer to

01:08:32.340 when you are emotional, try to figure out and understand why that's the case. So you can come up

01:08:39.140 with an appropriate course of action. And that's what you're saying here. Oh, how do I not let my

01:08:45.560 emotions deter me? You actually use them as fuel to push you in a new direction. Should you need to

01:08:50.520 go in a new direction? And if you're feeling angry or somebody earlier, they were asking about

01:08:55.580 impatient with their children, let's that's an emotion. You're, you're frustrated. Why? Okay.

01:09:01.920 Now let's create a course of action. Let's create a plan so that I don't feel this way. And that I can

01:09:07.040 serve other people and myself effectively. All right, guys, I think we did pretty good. We're

01:09:11.680 a little over an hour here. There's probably another 300 questions we can get to. And when

01:09:15.080 Kip comes back next week, we will get to them. So here's what I need you to do. Leave a rating and

01:09:20.720 review. Uh, take a screenshot. If you're listening to this and, uh, post it on Facebook or Instagram,

01:09:26.460 tag me at Ryan Mickler on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, let people know what you're listening to

01:09:31.300 more men need to hear these, uh, these messages that we share. And, uh, you know, maybe you agreed

01:09:36.340 with some of what I was saying today, maybe you agreed or disagreed with some of it, but, uh,

01:09:40.320 these are the conversations that I enjoy having. And these are conversations I think we need to have

01:09:43.840 for to have any, uh, hope of, uh, progress and growth and expansion, and then leaving a legacy

01:09:50.940 for our children and grandchildren. We need to have these conversations. So I appreciate you having

01:09:55.520 them with me. Uh, I think I said earlier in the podcast, check out the iron council. Uh, we're going to

01:10:00.320 be talking about creating your perfect day where you can be productive and effective and everything

01:10:05.140 else. You can check that out at order of man.com slash iron council. All right, guys, that's all

01:10:10.040 I've got. I'll be back on Friday for your Friday field notes, but until then, go out there, take

01:10:14.720 action and become a man. You are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast.

01:10:20.260 You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.

01:10:24.040 We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.

Order of Man - January 27, 2021

The COVID Vaccine, Preparing for a New Son, and Overcoming Paralysis by Analysis ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript