Order of Man - The Critical Difference Between Pride and Ego, Overcoming Toxic Relationships, and the Power of the Patriarch

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:06.020 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.480 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong.

00:00:15.500 This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become.

00:00:19.760 At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:00:24.720 Okay, what's going on, brother? Thanks for joining me on. I got a little confused last week on the Ask Me Anything.

00:00:30.220 I think I jumped ahead and I skipped an entire episode.

00:00:32.980 So I had to put a new episode out after a newer one, if that makes sense.

00:00:39.260 So I don't even know what we're on. I think this is number eight. Episode eight. Is that right?

00:00:43.580 Yeah, this is eight, and people will probably listen to six.

00:00:47.880 Yeah, it'll go six. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think it goes, they listen to seven, then six, then number eight,

00:00:53.760 I think is how, that was my fault. But we're getting all the kinks worked out with this, guys, so bear with us.

00:00:58.280 And if you guys don't know what it is we're talking about, this is relatively new.

00:01:01.920 This is our Ask Me Anything. We've been doing this for a couple of months now, and it's been really, really good.

00:01:08.180 Although I'm a little nervous, quite honestly, Kip, about how this one's going to go today,

00:01:12.020 because you and I were talking before we hit record, and we're both in a weird position based on some events over the last 24 hours.

00:01:19.400 Yeah, yeah. Shit has hit the fan in different ways.

00:01:23.920 Yeah, yeah. So I had made a post last night, and just to let you guys know what's going on with me,

00:01:29.880 one of my dogs died last night. And you guys will be getting this about a week after my dog had died.

00:01:36.740 But I was coaching my second son's football game, and then I drove over to my oldest son's football game,

00:01:44.960 which was about 30 minutes away. And I get this text from my wife before I leave, and it says,

00:01:49.740 Kujo, which is our dog's name, Kujo got hit. She's dead.

00:01:54.620 And that's all the text said. I'm like, what? And so I tried texting her back and couldn't get a hold of her.

00:02:01.660 And I'm like, what is going on? And I was about to write something snarky, like, nice message,

00:02:07.300 and then don't respond back to me. And I actually typed it up in the text, and then I deleted it.

00:02:12.120 And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. Like, don't attack her.

00:02:14.600 Right. This is not the time to be doing this. So I deleted the text, fortunately, before I sent it,

00:02:19.500 because that would not have been cool.

00:02:21.040 So we get to my son's football game, and she's there waiting for me, and she's all teary-eyed and told me what had happened.

00:02:28.860 Well, my son was looking out the window, and she saw my dog, or excuse me, he saw my dog go out into the road.

00:02:36.360 And she's old. She's 14. So she's deaf. She's all but blind. She's really slow.

00:02:42.420 And she was out in the road, and he saw a car swerve and miss her, and then another car hit her.

00:02:49.120 And he saw this whole thing go down. And apparently, he was hysterical, because he is so in tune with animals.

00:02:57.080 He wants to be a veterinarian. Like, he is really, really in tune with animals. So he runs upstairs and tells my wife.

00:03:02.900 How old is he?

00:03:03.860 So he's 10. This is my oldest. So he runs upstairs and tells my wife. She comes running down, and she goes outside.

00:03:10.340 And sure enough, our dog was hit. And I wasn't here. I was at practice, my second son's practice.

00:03:16.140 And so my wife picked up the dog, and the whole side of its face was – the skin was all ripped off, and the eye was all mangled and hamburger-like.

00:03:26.300 And the dog was bloated and obviously internal bleeding and damage.

00:03:31.260 And so my wife was pretty distraught. But even worse – well, two things that made it worse.

00:03:36.140 I mean, dogs die. People die. I mean, that's unfortunate. That's part of reality, though.

00:03:41.060 But what made this worse is that, number one, my son saw it. And number two, my wife had to put the dog down.

00:03:48.840 So she came inside, grabbed the gun, shot the dog, and that's where we're at.

00:03:54.740 And that car that hit our dog didn't even stop, man. And that's what pisses me off more than anything.

00:04:01.700 You know, I know accidents happen. I hope that person wasn't distracted or on a cell phone or whatever they were doing.

00:04:09.280 I'm trying to give that individual the benefit of the doubt, but come on. I mean, you know you hit something, right?

00:04:14.760 So I don't understand why you wouldn't stop and figure out what the hell you just hit and figure out what's going on.

00:04:20.940 I just – that to me is absolutely insane. And so we're dealing with that and the kids are distraught.

00:04:28.180 My wife is in bad shape because this dog has been with us since we got married.

00:04:34.100 So she's been through a deployment, my deployment. She kept my wife company.

00:04:38.720 Through my wife and our separation, she was there and supportive for my wife.

00:04:44.860 Through multiple moves, miles and miles and miles of walking and hanging out and frolicking.

00:04:52.820 And she's gone, man. We had to bury her last night out in the garden.

00:04:57.420 So it's kind of a bum deal.

00:05:01.300 It's tough.

00:05:02.260 It is what it is. I mean, life goes on and we'll deal with it and everything else.

00:05:05.680 And I wanted to do this podcast because I want to stay on track and we owe it to the guys to continue to do that.

00:05:10.560 But I'm a little down today, man.

00:05:11.960 But we'll get these questions answered.

00:05:13.920 Yeah. Well, I mean, that's what makes it real.

00:05:17.120 You know what I mean?

00:05:17.820 Yeah. I mean, it is real.

00:05:19.060 I think a lot of these guys paint their lives as perfect and everything's all heavenly and glorious and nothing ever bad goes wrong.

00:05:26.840 And we all know that's bull crap.

00:05:29.780 And so I figure, you know, let's be real, right?

00:05:32.560 Let's be real.

00:05:33.320 Let's talk about the real issues that we're dealing with.

00:05:35.640 And in this case, it happens to be the loss of our, of our pup, which really sucks.

00:05:40.180 That's tough.

00:05:41.280 Yeah.

00:05:41.720 On my side, I, I ended up, um, you know, we hop in bed.

00:05:46.700 My wife grabs my son's phone because she does, uh, um, every swath and she'll grab his phone to just check.

00:05:53.820 A little accountability, right?

00:05:56.760 Based upon what he, what he might be doing with his phone and, um, goes through some text messages and didn't find just like one inappropriate thing that he was doing, but found multiple things.

00:06:08.180 Right.

00:06:08.620 Um, that really just kind of, he knows better, right?

00:06:14.000 Let's be frank.

00:06:15.440 And, um, and so my default behavior is like, let's do it in the morning.

00:06:21.740 Right.

00:06:22.260 Let me get some sleep.

00:06:23.440 And she's like, no, we got to talk about it now.

00:06:25.760 So I'm like, all right, so we have him come to our room and all right, bud, what's going on?

00:06:32.960 You know, tell us the details.

00:06:34.900 Right.

00:06:35.380 And, and out of respect of him, I, I actually won't share the specific details.

00:06:39.960 Um, not that I don't think any of the kids that he knows or, or, you know, probably listens to the podcast, but regardless, just in case.

00:06:47.820 And so anyhow, we, we hashed through these items and, um, and I'm, I'm irate, but you know, I'll be honest.

00:06:54.980 Like I, I felt like I remember thinking mid conversation as we're talking, I'm like, Hey, I'm doing pretty good here.

00:07:01.240 Right.

00:07:01.700 I'm doing pretty good.

00:07:02.520 I'm not getting pissed.

00:07:03.660 Yeah.

00:07:04.060 I'm just like asking questions, give us the feedback.

00:07:07.500 And then, um, and then ultimately like, let's go to bed.

00:07:11.680 Right.

00:07:12.140 And we'll, we'll, we'll talk about the consequences of these actions tomorrow and we'll, we'll figure out what's the best approach.

00:07:18.060 And that's usually best for me mostly because I also know that my wife gets riled up.

00:07:22.180 And once we get riled up, man, it's, you know, 10 o'clock at night, we're not going to bed.

00:07:26.560 Right.

00:07:26.840 It's going to be miserable for everybody to come the next day.

00:07:29.060 And so, so anyhow, we, um, at one point I'm like, all right, yeah, let's go, let's get ready to go to bed.

00:07:34.800 So I get up and double check doors for whatever reason to lock up.

00:07:39.040 And, um, I come back and my, my wife and my wife and son are still talking and, um, and she's, she's kind of running a dialogue and the dialogues.

00:07:50.680 It's, it's not normal.

00:07:52.300 She's telling him, it's not normal.

00:07:54.380 This is not normal.

00:07:55.800 And I go, why, why are you illustrating why it's not like, why are you expressing why it's not normal?

00:08:03.100 She's like, well, he thinks that this is normal teenage behavior.

00:08:06.460 Hmm.

00:08:07.260 Right.

00:08:07.580 That this isn't that abnormal.

00:08:09.820 That this isn't that bad or, or all the kids are doing it type thing.

00:08:13.600 Exactly.

00:08:14.060 And downplaying a little bit.

00:08:15.060 And then, and then I kind of got a little riled up and I said, Hey, here's the deal.

00:08:21.180 Would you have told mom half of these things on your own?

00:08:24.900 Would you have, are you okay with your friends knowing half of these things?

00:08:29.520 Would, would you walk around your high school saying I've done these things?

00:08:33.660 And the, and his answer of course is no, then it's not normal.

00:08:37.100 If you can't own it, then guess what?

00:08:40.040 You know, you're out of integrity.

00:08:42.300 Sure.

00:08:43.040 Period.

00:08:43.660 Sure.

00:08:44.080 That's not normal.

00:08:44.740 If you have to hide it, you obviously don't feel it's that normal.

00:08:48.960 Right.

00:08:49.400 Or that acceptable.

00:08:50.780 Right.

00:08:51.240 I think that's the, the real meaning around the normal.

00:08:53.980 That's normal is really, it's acceptable.

00:08:56.500 Or that, you know, it's okay.

00:08:58.020 Like you haven't even come to terms with it.

00:08:59.740 Right.

00:08:59.920 Because you're hiding it.

00:09:00.760 Exactly.

00:09:01.200 Yeah.

00:09:01.400 He can't even, he can't even own it.

00:09:03.480 Right.

00:09:03.940 And say, Oh, it's not a big deal, which would be even worse.

00:09:08.200 Right.

00:09:08.600 If he did.

00:09:09.140 But, but regardless.

00:09:10.360 Right.

00:09:10.560 And so I got a little riled up and I'm like, Hey, but let's go to bed.

00:09:14.480 You need to go to sleep.

00:09:15.800 And he, he asks my wife a question.

00:09:18.180 I'm like, Kiave.

00:09:19.080 I'm like, let's go to sleep.

00:09:20.300 And he's like, I'm talking to mom.

00:09:23.120 I'm talking to my parent.

00:09:25.500 And, and for you guys that don't know, uh, Kiave is my stepson.

00:09:29.020 I hate that term, by the way.

00:09:30.380 I never use it.

00:09:31.360 Yeah.

00:09:31.520 You talked about that a couple of weeks ago.

00:09:33.100 Cause I, I, I disagree with that concept.

00:09:35.080 Like I don't want to make a distinction that he is any different than my kids.

00:09:41.000 And, um, and, and I knew probably eventually, you know, the conversation got high, high, you

00:09:47.740 know, he got all riled up.

00:09:48.880 He's deflecting and, and kind of use the whole, you're not my dad, um, whole thing.

00:09:54.500 Um, and, and I think I've always kind of expected maybe this to come around eventually come to

00:10:01.140 teenage years.

00:10:02.120 And I mentioned this to you earlier.

00:10:04.200 I, I probably knew it was coming, but, um, you know, it stings a lot more than I thought

00:10:08.960 it would.

00:10:09.820 And, um, yeah, it, it, it hurts really from the perspective of just, I think a really,

00:10:17.140 what really is at the center of it is two things.

00:10:21.020 If, if I were going to be like really authentic and raw here is I felt unappreciated that, that

00:10:30.020 me as his father and what I've done and just being his parent, that that is going to unappreciated

00:10:37.460 and overlooked.

00:10:38.540 So there's a little bit of me not feeling appreciated.

00:10:42.400 And then the other part of it is, you know, just the internalization of it.

00:10:49.320 Like, okay, like, damn it.

00:10:52.320 I messed this up.

00:10:54.340 No, but do you, I mean, do you think you, yeah, you really think that's the issue?

00:10:58.220 Um, you know, no, I don't, I don't think I'm responsible for him making these bad decisions.

00:11:04.760 However, I do feel without a doubt that I, I, my relationship with him could be substantially

00:11:13.320 closer than it is.

00:11:15.400 And, and, and because of that, that makes this riff or that makes these comments hurt even

00:11:21.840 more.

00:11:22.880 Does it make sense?

00:11:24.000 And, and I can't help.

00:11:25.240 I mean, that's what we do in the order of man, right?

00:11:27.740 That's what we do in the iron council, right?

00:11:29.280 It's like, I don't, how's this?

00:11:31.820 I don't want this scenario to, to be bypassed and me not grow from it.

00:11:39.480 And so when I look at the scenario, I, I, by my default nature nowadays, you know, this

00:11:44.920 is not how I always used to be, but my default nature is, okay, what did, where did I go wrong?

00:11:51.000 Right.

00:11:51.220 What could I have done better?

00:11:52.340 How, how, how could, how could I have a closer relationship with him in a way where that he

00:11:58.680 would feel even uncomfortable saying, you're not my father?

00:12:01.960 Well, I think we all say things in the moment we don't mean, right?

00:12:05.480 Yeah.

00:12:06.160 Yeah.

00:12:06.680 I mean, I've said, I've said things, even when I'm arguing with my wife that I know,

00:12:10.860 and this is going to sound really bad, but I've said things to my wife that I know will

00:12:14.820 sting her when I'm arguing with her, whether I fully agree with it or not.

00:12:19.280 I've said things that I know will get to her and she's probably done the same thing to me.

00:12:23.340 And you've probably done the same thing when you're in the middle of it.

00:12:25.820 I don't think it's indicative of what we truly mean unless it's a continued pattern, right?

00:12:30.840 I think sometimes we just get heated and things come out of our mouths that

00:12:33.740 probably shouldn't, we don't fully mean.

00:12:36.160 Yeah.

00:12:37.000 Yeah.

00:12:38.220 So, uh, no, no laugh track, uh, today, guys, this is, I know, man, I, I, uh, depressing.

00:12:45.020 It is, man.

00:12:45.900 It's like a crappy way to start the podcast, but I was thinking about it as you and I were

00:12:50.600 talking before we hit record.

00:12:52.000 I'm like, you know what, dude, we really need to share these stories because there's just too

00:12:56.260 much.

00:12:56.520 And I already said it.

00:12:57.180 There's just too much of this, this idea that everything's perfect.

00:13:00.740 And guys, you know, not, not everything's perfect.

00:13:04.120 Not everything's supposed to be perfect.

00:13:05.960 We're supposed to go through challenges and hardships.

00:13:08.000 And, you know, some of you guys might be hearing this and think, oh, that's insignificant

00:13:11.840 compared to what I've gone through.

00:13:14.220 And I'm not saying that this is the, the extent of our worries or concerns for the rest of

00:13:18.700 our life.

00:13:19.040 Certainly we'll deal with far greater situations than this, but man, we all have our struggles

00:13:24.540 and we all have our challenges.

00:13:25.640 And I'd rather be real about it than pretend that you and I keep have everything all figured

00:13:30.360 out and we're perfect.

00:13:31.260 And our lives are the model by which everybody else should be behaving.

00:13:34.620 That's just not reality.

00:13:36.380 Yeah.

00:13:37.980 Well, I'm sorry you're dealing with that, man.

00:13:39.680 I mean, uh, I'm here to support you.

00:13:41.760 I know you're here to support me.

00:13:42.880 Just let me know how, and if there's anything I can do, whether that's just getting on a

00:13:46.480 call or, you know, I should be up there here in the next week or two and just getting out

00:13:50.440 and you can kick my ass on the mats a little bit if you like take it extra out on me or

00:13:54.860 something like that.

00:13:55.520 But, uh, whatever I can do, man, let me know.

00:13:57.780 Yeah, I know.

00:13:58.500 I appreciate it.

00:13:59.400 The irony is last night I ended up seeing up until about three 30 and then went for a run

00:14:03.620 this morning around seven.

00:14:04.660 I'm like, really?

00:14:05.600 But that that's, that's how I deal with stuff a little bit, right?

00:14:08.120 That's, that's how I clear my mind.

00:14:09.680 Well, that's productive.

00:14:10.580 The irony is I looked at my calendar today and I was like, uh, yeah, need to adjust.

00:14:15.020 Make sure to go train.

00:14:17.520 Yeah.

00:14:18.100 Oh, for sure.

00:14:19.260 For sure.

00:14:20.200 Well, and that's a great point, which is, I think a good takeaway here.

00:14:23.740 Uh, when we have these difficult situations in our lives, whatever they may be, I think

00:14:29.360 we have two paths we can take.

00:14:31.160 One is we can take the path of self-pity and sorrow and let it rot up inside of us and well

00:14:37.840 up and not really have an outlet for that.

00:14:39.660 Or we can address, adjust it, or excuse me, I should say address it in a productive and

00:14:46.800 efficient manner, which means that we have to take care of the issue with the other individual,

00:14:50.360 the other party, but also take care of ourselves.

00:14:52.440 And you going for a run and you going to train this afternoon will all be positive ways to

00:14:57.900 harness some of that negative energy that's coursing through you right now.

00:15:01.980 Yeah, for sure.

00:15:02.780 And you know, it's funny, Ryan, I just thought of this right when you're speaking, you know,

00:15:07.960 it's, it's really simple.

00:15:09.380 Last night, my mode was a little bit of a, you know, woe is me and what do I need to

00:15:15.960 do or whatever.

00:15:17.540 Um, and to your point, what's at risk for me to be a victim a little too long and what

00:15:22.380 it is, is my wife, right?

00:15:27.040 How, how is she, well, how is she feeling today?

00:15:29.860 Hmm.

00:15:30.660 Right.

00:15:31.020 If I'm running around my whole day, like, Oh, woe is me.

00:15:33.600 My stepson doesn't love me and blah, blah, blah.

00:15:35.560 Well, you know what?

00:15:36.620 There's a, I guarantee there's a flip side to this where Asia is like feeling like she

00:15:42.600 has, she is failing.

00:15:44.220 Yeah.

00:15:44.920 Yeah.

00:15:45.360 Right.

00:15:45.840 Where, and if I'm moping around and not addressing and dealing with the issue, I'm not going to

00:15:51.760 be in a position to provide support to her either.

00:15:54.780 Yeah.

00:15:56.480 It's true, man.

00:15:57.520 It's true.

00:15:58.260 That's a, that's a good way to look at it, to, to look outward and see how it's affecting

00:16:02.120 other people as well.

00:16:03.080 That's another thing I think that is a very manly characteristic is that we're worried

00:16:07.620 about and supportive of others.

00:16:09.240 I mean, at the end of the day, it's our job to serve.

00:16:11.040 Right.

00:16:11.460 And, uh, you know, yesterday thinking about our, our dog situation, my wife is like, you

00:16:17.800 don't even seem upset.

00:16:18.920 I'm like, because now's not the time to be upset.

00:16:20.820 Like I can't be losing my mind in front of you and our kids.

00:16:24.200 But last night after the kids went to bed and my wife was asleep, like I was having a really

00:16:27.760 hard time.

00:16:28.340 That was appropriate because it didn't affect the other relationships that I'm supposed

00:16:33.300 to be caring for.

00:16:34.400 Anyways, man, let's get into these questions.

00:16:36.980 Let's, let's get off this subject.

00:16:38.140 Let's get into these questions.

00:16:39.080 You guys have some good questions this week.

00:16:40.900 Uh, they come from our Patreon members, which I think we're up to four or five members now,

00:16:46.600 which is really cool to see.

00:16:48.480 Ryan's mom, dad, or stepdads or coaches.

00:16:54.300 Yeah.

00:16:54.520 Who, who, who, who have you, uh, wringled into actually?

00:16:57.540 Don't worry about it.

00:16:58.140 Don't worry about it.

00:16:58.780 You don't need to look into that, man.

00:17:00.560 So we're up to that.

00:17:01.540 We're, we're doing good on the Patreon, of course, iron council members.

00:17:04.260 And then the remaining questions come from the guys in our order of men, Facebook group.

00:17:08.280 So let's get into a man.

00:17:09.340 And then we'll, uh, we'll do the best we can and we'll be upbeat and positive and answer

00:17:12.580 these in the best way we know how.

00:17:13.940 So, yeah, I'll, I'll stop making references to dads that is also depressing, uh, since

00:17:19.720 your father passed away.

00:17:20.880 So, well, yeah, I thought it was quite ironic that I said, I'm like, um, yeah, well, well

00:17:25.900 played.

00:17:26.480 No, you know, what's interesting.

00:17:27.680 I mean, I heard you say that, and this is really fascinating because I think there's

00:17:31.880 something to be taken away from there.

00:17:33.280 That could have been an opportunity for me to say, well, screw you, dude.

00:17:37.180 Like, well, you don't know me or my situation and get all upset and offended about it.

00:17:40.740 But you, you didn't know that, or it didn't cross your mind at the moment.

00:17:43.940 I think there's this like weird thing in society that says, let's just be outraged.

00:17:47.920 Anytime somebody slips up with the slightest little misstep in their words that may cause

00:17:53.060 us some perceived injury.

00:17:55.640 I know you weren't doing that intentionally and I don't take it as offensive because it

00:17:59.740 wasn't meant that way.

00:18:00.640 So we can exercise a little emotional maturity and not get our panties in a bunch when people

00:18:06.480 slip on what they're saying.

00:18:07.620 It's not a big deal.

00:18:08.240 Yeah.

00:18:08.800 Copy that.

00:18:09.620 So let me, let me give us the breakdown of these questions.

00:18:14.180 So we have a little leftover from last time, a little bit of peppered new questions, uh,

00:18:19.620 questions that came in from the iron councils, as well as the order of man, Facebook group.

00:18:24.740 Uh, and, uh, so we'll get through these, but we have quite a bit, uh, you guys, uh, completely,

00:18:29.840 um, answered the call for action from Ryan in regards to questions and we have plenty.

00:18:36.980 So, but we'll get a good chunk out of these today.

00:18:39.440 So first off the cup, first couple of questions is about the legacy event, uh, that you just

00:18:45.420 had this past weekend.

00:18:47.140 Um, and, and I, instead of, I want to go over the questions, but maybe you should give a synopsis

00:18:52.180 of how the event went and what was the event.

00:18:55.360 I think we'll get into that a little bit, Kip, because I'm looking at these first three

00:18:58.360 questions.

00:18:59.000 I think we'll get into that.

00:19:00.060 I mean, at the end of the day, the legacy event was a father, son event.

00:19:02.780 It was a rite of passage of sorts for these men and their boys and helping them understand

00:19:07.220 one, what it means to be a man and to help usher them into manhood.

00:19:10.900 That's the synopsis I'll give.

00:19:12.200 There'll be a video out and everything else.

00:19:13.880 Incredible weekend.

00:19:15.140 And I think through these, these first three or four questions, whatever it may be, uh, we'll

00:19:19.220 be able to get down into that a little bit more.

00:19:21.560 Awesome.

00:19:22.000 So our first question is from Nick Martinson.

00:19:24.440 And, um, coming off that event, his question is what is your number one key piece of advice

00:19:29.700 for a first time father?

00:19:30.960 I'm expecting my first son in the next week or so.

00:19:34.460 Congratulations.

00:19:35.080 Yeah.

00:19:35.100 Very cool.

00:19:35.660 Yeah.

00:19:36.180 Excited for you.

00:19:37.020 Um, I actually did a Friday field notes a week or two ago called 10 ways to win with

00:19:42.560 your kids, I think is what it was titled.

00:19:44.420 And so there's 10 tips in there.

00:19:46.040 Go listen to that because that's going to be huge for you, Nick.

00:19:48.320 But the number one answer I gave on there, and it, and it was the number one, most important

00:19:54.580 thing I think we need to understand as fathers is that it's your job to render yourself obsolete.

00:19:59.020 We, as parents spend so much time stepping off of this pedestal of father down to this lower

00:20:07.900 tier of buddy or bro or friend.

00:20:11.440 And don't get me wrong.

00:20:13.220 Fatherhood part of fatherhood is being friendly, but father is a significantly greater and higher

00:20:22.740 calling than that of just friend.

00:20:25.060 Your job is to put yourself out of work.

00:20:28.180 If you can get your kids to the position where they don't need you now, that's different from

00:20:32.380 wanting you, but they don't need you in order to be self-sufficient, sustaining, contributing

00:20:37.520 members of society.

00:20:38.520 Then I say job well done to you, dad, because that is the ultimate objective.

00:20:43.300 And too many parents, it actually comes from a place of selfishness.

00:20:47.540 See, they're not willing to have the hard conversations and to do the hard things and to have the talks

00:20:52.660 and the, and the things like you were talking about with your wife and son.

00:20:56.200 They're not willing to do that.

00:20:57.420 Not because they're not worried about their kid, but because they're worried about sparing

00:21:01.340 their own feelings.

00:21:02.740 Well, I don't want to feel bad.

00:21:04.380 I don't want to be upset.

00:21:05.680 I don't want to have this difficult conversation.

00:21:07.620 And so they don't do what's in their kid's best interest because they're so worried about

00:21:12.700 themselves that they're overlooking what their child might actually need.

00:21:16.240 So your job as a father is to render yourself obsolete.

00:21:19.960 You can go back and listen to the other nine for some other tips there.

00:21:23.760 Love it.

00:21:25.340 Andy Seelig, his question is, what was your favorite takeaway from this legacy event?

00:21:31.660 So we did two exercises.

00:21:33.440 I won't get into everything, but we did two exercises that were really, really powerful.

00:21:36.920 And I didn't just put on the event.

00:21:39.220 We had Chris Gatchko.

00:21:40.380 He's our events coordinator.

00:21:41.740 He really put on this event, emceed the event.

00:21:44.800 I actually participated in this event.

00:21:47.380 I had my, my two oldest boys with me.

00:21:49.960 And the two exercises that really, really stood out to me is number one, we at a campfire

00:21:56.060 that one of those evenings, we had the guys go around the dads go around and tell their

00:22:01.700 kids one thing they really, really admired and appreciated about them.

00:22:06.220 And then one thing they wanted to do in order to improve the relationship between them.

00:22:11.400 So I would go for example, and then my sons would do the same thing.

00:22:16.420 They would tell me one thing they really appreciated about me.

00:22:19.920 And then one thing they wanted to do to improve the relationship.

00:22:23.100 And every single father-son combo did that.

00:22:25.500 That was very, very powerful because what it does is it opens up dialogue that doesn't

00:22:30.320 usually get had.

00:22:32.100 Those conversations don't usually take place because we've got so many other things going

00:22:36.380 on that we can't dive deep into significant conversations.

00:22:39.860 So that was number one.

00:22:41.080 Number two is we actually wrote out of code of conduct.

00:22:44.620 So on the very last evening, we were prepping these guys throughout the weekend.

00:22:47.720 The very last evening we had each father-son combo split off, go out on their own, find

00:22:53.120 a place.

00:22:53.700 It was, it was at night.

00:22:54.800 So they had flashlights and whatnot and right out of code of conduct.

00:22:58.000 And me and my boys came out with about eight to 10 items, bullet points that we really are

00:23:04.940 going to strive to adhere to.

00:23:06.520 And then we, and we came back and we reconvened and we had five sons.

00:23:11.780 So we didn't have the dad share.

00:23:12.760 We had the sons share what they had written down as their codes of conduct.

00:23:17.040 And I'm telling you what, man, it was powerful, powerful stuff.

00:23:20.020 Like this was, it was absolutely incredible.

00:23:22.520 It really was.

00:23:23.080 But those are my two biggest takeaways.

00:23:24.900 You know, what's cool about that is I can't help that because I saw your post on Instagram,

00:23:30.120 by the way, follow Ryan at Ryan Mickler.

00:23:33.120 Um, but I saw your post where you, you, uh, took a photo of that code of conduct that you

00:23:39.360 and your boys did.

00:23:40.640 And I actually saved that photo cause I was like, man, I need to, I want to use this.

00:23:45.900 And then I thought about it.

00:23:48.080 My client, you know, if I went up in the woods, backpacking and said, Hey boys, let's create

00:23:52.460 a code of conduct.

00:23:53.300 I don't, it would be effective or it'd be good.

00:23:57.840 I, I say, but it's nice to go to this event where it's not like, Oh, Ryan, my dad, he's

00:24:05.500 doing, you know, he's running his dialogue.

00:24:07.660 We're going to do his thing, you know, versus, Oh, this is part of the event and we're participants

00:24:12.320 and it kind of forces people to be a little bit more open.

00:24:15.480 Do you think that the boys were maybe a little bit more open to these conversations because

00:24:19.800 it was part of the event and not just their dad, you know, preaching from the pulpit?

00:24:24.760 Oh, absolutely.

00:24:25.500 Because a lot of the times, and we do this too, you know, but these kids are, are basically,

00:24:29.480 Oh, here goes dad again.

00:24:31.140 And they're rolling their eyes because it's dad talking about this.

00:24:33.760 But these boys have heard me talk.

00:24:35.500 They've, they've seen my videos.

00:24:36.880 Their dads are sharing what it is we're doing.

00:24:39.240 And so it sounds a little weird, but when these boys get to this event, there's a little

00:24:43.740 bit of like, Oh, there's Ryan.

00:24:45.840 You know, I've seen this guy online.

00:24:47.080 I know that sounds really strange, but coming from a third party is just powerful.

00:24:53.220 It really is because I could say the same exact thing that dad has been saying for the last

00:24:57.680 year.

00:24:58.260 And because it's a third party and there's no vested interest in it, it's, it just sometimes

00:25:04.560 carries a little bit more weight with children.

00:25:06.900 And so I think there was definitely something to that.

00:25:10.540 For sure.

00:25:11.020 And we've talked about this and we usually talk about this from the perspective of kids

00:25:16.240 that don't have fathers, but that helps illustrate the importance of the role that we play for

00:25:23.480 other boys.

00:25:25.260 Right.

00:25:25.920 We may, we may, you may be that coach that that kid decides to listen to because he connected

00:25:32.700 with you in some way.

00:25:33.740 And he's having a struggle, you know, having a hard time connecting with his father, like

00:25:37.620 that role of protect, provide, and preside.

00:25:40.440 I think, I mean, obviously our families are our number one priority, but there are a lot

00:25:45.320 of boys looking to us, right.

00:25:48.180 For an example on guidance.

00:25:49.440 It just comes back to that level of responsibility that we have as men to show up, not only in

00:25:54.600 the walls of our home, but in the walls of our community and businesses and neighborhoods.

00:25:58.540 It's really, really important that we step up as often and as much as we can, especially

00:26:03.760 in the lives of these young men who just aren't going to get it anywhere else.

00:26:06.960 They just aren't.

00:26:07.720 And that's a sad reality, but it's the reality nonetheless.

00:26:10.860 Yeah, totally.

00:26:11.380 Steve Hale, his question is really around, is there plans, uh, after this legacy event

00:26:17.960 to have it turn into something bigger, a new opportunity for sons, uh, that, that they're

00:26:23.120 not getting that, or that is not, you know, boy Scouts.

00:26:26.760 Yes.

00:26:27.180 The short answer is yes.

00:26:28.500 The long answer is I can't disclose a lot of that right now.

00:26:32.280 Um, in the spring of next year, 2019, we'll have another legacy event.

00:26:36.300 So be on the lookout for that.

00:26:38.160 Uh, and we also have something very cool planned that fathers and sons will be able to participate

00:26:43.980 in, uh, that I think will help again, foster these bonds for some deeper connections and

00:26:53.320 usher their boys into manhood.

00:26:55.020 We got some stuff on the, on the horizon.

00:26:56.560 So look out for that.

00:26:57.520 It's going to be incredible.

00:26:58.860 I never thought this when I started order, man, that would go this route.

00:27:02.560 I really didn't.

00:27:03.540 And I don't think this is the only route.

00:27:05.500 I just think this is kind of an offshoot or an offspring of what it is that we're trying

00:27:08.720 to do.

00:27:09.460 Kind of this youth focus.

00:27:11.700 Yeah.

00:27:12.060 It's critical.

00:27:13.000 Like I said, I mean, boys, boys aren't getting it.

00:27:16.400 The society is telling them to be feminine, to be girls, to sit down, to shut up, to do

00:27:20.900 what you're told, to behave like girls, to not out, go out and experience things.

00:27:24.720 And when you exhibit any sort of masculine characteristics or traits, you were to be punished and scolded

00:27:30.640 rather than that to be embraced and harnessed for the productive outcomes of,

00:27:35.500 you and your life.

00:27:36.500 And then we ask why our boys are so confused.

00:27:40.680 We ask why our boys want to be girls and our girls want to be boys.

00:27:44.300 It's because society has jacked them up, has told them basically, Hey, you can go out and

00:27:50.580 do whatever you want, whenever you want, however you want.

00:27:53.060 We're not going to tell you what to do.

00:27:54.460 Like you're human beings.

00:27:55.540 Yes.

00:27:56.020 Our children are human beings, but they're also impressionable.

00:27:59.300 And there are studies out there that suggest that boys in particular, their brains aren't

00:28:04.440 fully developed until early to mid twenties.

00:28:07.500 So to tell a child that they can go out and do whatever they want and give them no set

00:28:12.300 of parameters or framework in which to operate is destructive.

00:28:15.880 It's damaging and it confuses our children.

00:28:19.340 We need to be the foundational bedrock for which they can grow and develop and harness their

00:28:25.060 masculine characteristics.

00:28:26.220 And they're not getting it.

00:28:27.700 And I see it in society.

00:28:29.920 I see it in the school system.

00:28:31.220 I see it with the boy scouts.

00:28:32.420 I see it in every possible way.

00:28:34.480 And I feel like I have the capacity to reach outside the walls of my home and impact other

00:28:39.260 boys.

00:28:39.560 And I'm going to take, take it full advantage of doing that.

00:28:43.960 Spot on.

00:28:45.680 And we'll leave it up to Bubba Downs to off track us.

00:28:50.600 I think we talked about this last week.

00:28:52.640 Actually it was probably because we got the podcast episodes messed up a couple of weeks

00:28:56.600 ago, right?

00:28:57.760 Yeah.

00:28:58.260 I don't know.

00:28:59.200 Go ahead.

00:28:59.600 Just go for it.

00:29:01.420 All right.

00:29:01.720 So Bubba wants to know why loud shorts, flat bill hats are acceptable in a manly society.

00:29:09.460 Is it because Ryan has a beard?

00:29:12.260 Do you have to have a beard to pull that look off or could they do it with a clean shaven

00:29:18.680 barren profile?

00:29:20.820 So do you want to read the hashtags?

00:29:23.380 Yeah.

00:29:23.740 I think you do.

00:29:24.920 Yeah.

00:29:25.320 Don't deny science.

00:29:26.780 Hashtag pineapple doesn't belong on peepees.

00:29:29.700 And barren bros don't get as much slack.

00:29:34.020 Uh, now the history of this is Ryan posted a photo of him with some pineapple, bright

00:29:38.460 pineapple shorts shooting a bow.

00:29:40.300 That's half of this.

00:29:41.840 And the flat bill side, we all know that.

00:29:44.320 It's been an ongoing debate, right?

00:29:46.120 Yeah.

00:29:46.760 Yeah.

00:29:47.640 Uh, yes.

00:29:48.400 The answer is yes.

00:29:49.080 You have to have a beard to do it.

00:29:50.600 Next question.

00:29:52.720 I don't, man.

00:29:54.080 Everybody gets so upset with my flat brim, curve brim.

00:29:57.320 I'll tell you what, the flat brims have just flat out sold better than the curve brims.

00:30:00.800 You know, I'm, I'm, I'll look at the numbers and the numbers don't lie.

00:30:04.960 Now, some guys will say, well, put out a different curve brim and see what, okay, fine.

00:30:08.660 We'll put out a different curve brim and the numbers will still be the same.

00:30:11.540 And maybe that's a little bit of self-fulfilling prophecy because I wear a flat brim.

00:30:16.200 It seems so weird that what I do would actually impact other people or influence their decisions.

00:30:21.340 That's so strange, but it's reality.

00:30:24.200 Um, we have wear what you want.

00:30:26.760 I like pineapple shorts and I like flat brim hats and I shoot a bow better when I'm wearing

00:30:31.460 those two things.

00:30:32.700 I love it.

00:30:33.660 I love it.

00:30:34.420 And I'm sure there's some flashy socks going on.

00:30:36.820 Some, some happy socks as well.

00:30:38.840 Do you, you sport the happy socks?

00:30:40.620 Uh, yeah, I, I use, um, Cal now stance.

00:30:44.220 I was drawing a blank there.

00:30:45.300 Stance socks.

00:30:45.840 I love my stance socks, man.

00:30:47.480 Stance socks, chubby shorts and flat brim hats are where it's at.

00:30:52.200 Yeah.

00:30:52.640 I got some flashy, flashy underwear too.

00:30:55.220 I enjoy some flashy underwear.

00:30:57.040 Good.

00:30:57.460 Well, I hope I never get to see those.

00:30:59.320 Yeah.

00:30:59.600 My wife, I actually, she likes them.

00:31:01.760 Good.

00:31:02.500 Keep that between you two.

00:31:04.840 Uh, Matthew Holt.

00:31:07.080 I was going to take this off because it's like, uh, you know, it's not a question, but

00:31:10.940 you know what?

00:31:11.620 It was nice.

00:31:12.560 He's like, Hey, I appreciate you addressing the questions.

00:31:14.880 My questions last week.

00:31:16.500 I'm really enjoying the new format complete with Mr.

00:31:20.380 Laugh track.

00:31:21.440 Kip Sorensen.

00:31:22.020 We got to get you a better, a better nickname.

00:31:24.360 That's lame.

00:31:24.720 I was, I know.

00:31:25.980 I've seen the same thing.

00:31:27.120 I'm like, maybe LT.

00:31:28.560 Guys.

00:31:29.000 We'll shorten it to LT.

00:31:30.500 I like it.

00:31:31.920 Guys.

00:31:32.500 Let's work on a nickname for Kip.

00:31:34.240 All right.

00:31:34.960 Submit those in your questions or wherever you're doing the thing.

00:31:37.280 And, uh, Kip needs a new nickname.

00:31:39.640 Something better than laugh track.

00:31:41.140 That's right.

00:31:42.040 Mr.

00:31:42.480 Laugh track.

00:31:43.660 Mr.

00:31:44.060 Laugh track.

00:31:44.460 That's true.

00:31:44.960 All right.

00:31:45.000 That's nice.

00:31:45.600 All right.

00:31:47.140 Christopher Bell.

00:31:48.460 How do you move to the next level of leadership inside and outside of the iron council?

00:31:53.760 What questions and tactics should be applied?

00:31:57.880 Man, outside of the iron council is so broad.

00:32:00.560 I don't even know really how to answer that.

00:32:02.700 Of course, there's a lot of overlap inside of the iron council is very easy.

00:32:06.060 Participate, engage, lead, be an example, be present, be available, give value, add, add

00:32:13.740 feedback where you can.

00:32:15.180 Like these are all ways that you can put yourself on the map and Kip, you and I are very, very

00:32:22.280 aware and very focused on recruiting new leaders, battle team leaders, other capacities

00:32:28.700 that we have inside of the iron council.

00:32:30.540 But I think outside of the iron council is very similar, right?

00:32:34.020 Become the man that you're supposed to be.

00:32:37.220 Exercise, plan, act accordingly, show up, give value, give feedback, wherever you can

00:32:43.400 be fully present, be fully engaged in the moment.

00:32:46.460 And I think it's going to be very difficult for people who are needing leadership to overlook

00:32:50.840 you.

00:32:51.280 And that's the reality.

00:32:53.000 Organizations, communities, they need leadership.

00:32:56.300 And I'm telling you right now, they're hurting.

00:32:58.640 They are hurting for effective leadership in their businesses and in the communities.

00:33:05.540 And if you can exert any level of initiative and communication and casting vision, these

00:33:12.900 are all powerful leadership characteristics that over time will not be overlooked in the

00:33:18.400 short term.

00:33:19.060 Maybe because there's some politics and some other things that, that happen and some other

00:33:23.080 factors that you need to take into consideration.

00:33:24.820 But if you're doing those things over the long haul, it's going to be very, very strange

00:33:30.080 if you don't put yourself into some sort of leadership position with those characteristics,

00:33:35.180 being able to develop those things.

00:33:37.800 Yeah.

00:33:38.040 And that's a, it's funny.

00:33:40.460 Christopher's question reminds me of this past month.

00:33:44.720 If you don't mind me sharing, Ryan, about maybe a little lessons learned and one of the

00:33:49.620 benefits of the iron council.

00:33:51.040 So, um, as you guys may know, I'm the battle team leader for echo and there's, there's been

00:33:58.400 a little bit of a shakedown on our team this, this past month.

00:34:03.360 And there was an opportunity for me to evaluate how the team was being ran and what I was doing

00:34:11.880 right and what I was doing wrong.

00:34:13.540 And, you know, how do I level up and continue to level up as my guys level up, right?

00:34:17.800 As they level up, I, I gotta, you know, they're going to go out, grow me and that's good.

00:34:22.720 But if there's some growth for me to be had on my side, then I need to do that too.

00:34:27.840 And, and so I was kind of looking at the scenario and, and actually through your coaching,

00:34:32.360 Ryan, we, we talked about one of the dichotomies of leadership is around putting the mission

00:34:38.540 first over the individual.

00:34:40.560 And I learned that lesson by being a battle team leader.

00:34:45.460 I didn't learn it at work.

00:34:48.360 I learned it from the IC and, and I came to the realization that the, the objectives, the

00:34:56.700 purpose of the iron council, the objectives and the purpose of the team, I was sacrificing

00:35:03.040 because of my desire to save everyone on my team to kind of cow, to cow toe a little bit

00:35:09.660 to certain members and kind of, I don't want to leave them behind.

00:35:12.960 Yeah.

00:35:13.940 Which is good.

00:35:14.860 That's noble.

00:35:15.520 That's a, that's a noble and virtuous thought.

00:35:18.420 That's why it's so hard to do.

00:35:20.900 Yeah, for sure.

00:35:22.300 And, and, but here's the, and here's the beautiful thing.

00:35:25.100 This has not happened at work before, but it happened in the IC.

00:35:30.040 And so what was great about it is I got to experience and learn from that scenario.

00:35:37.400 And now have I made adjustments in the, in the work workplace?

00:35:42.280 Yeah.

00:35:43.180 I've, I've, I've tweaked things a little bit.

00:35:45.780 I'm a little bit more aware of that dichotomy.

00:35:48.540 I'm looking for those scenarios, making sure that I reiterate to the team, the purpose, the

00:35:54.080 vision of what we are to do, right?

00:35:56.520 What we're focused on, making sure I don't get too close to my guys.

00:36:00.040 Right.

00:36:00.680 Where they filled out.

00:36:01.720 Now our relationship somehow allows them some slack.

00:36:06.140 Right.

00:36:06.800 Between me or between them.

00:36:08.240 Like these are things that I learned.

00:36:10.700 And ironically, some of this is in, in Jocko's new book, which I haven't even read yet.

00:36:15.760 Right.

00:36:16.120 And I'm, I'm actually benefiting from that, but it's really, I benefited from the problem

00:36:20.960 arising within stepping forward and leveling up and being invested in something.

00:36:26.940 I think we overlook this way too much where we, we, we go, Oh, well, I'm part of this

00:36:33.340 thing or I'm part of this community or this group.

00:36:35.720 And it's, it's, uh, it's not critical.

00:36:38.880 So I'm just partially involved.

00:36:40.980 Dude, there's so many lessons.

00:36:42.480 If we go in, if we're fully present and there's opportunities that open themselves up that

00:36:48.320 probably would have never opened themselves up if we weren't fully engaged.

00:36:52.600 And, and that's what I've like this past month is like, man, for, for my full engagement

00:36:58.300 within the iron council, I'm growing and becoming a better boss and, and a team lead at my work,

00:37:05.860 which is obviously going to benefit me in financial ways and, and benefit many other

00:37:10.260 people, not just the guys in the IC.

00:37:12.960 Absolutely, man.

00:37:13.800 Well, so, you know, I've been thinking about, uh, well, I think about leadership a lot because

00:37:18.420 that's what we do at the end of the day.

00:37:19.620 We want to lift men up so they can lead themselves and others.

00:37:22.580 And I've been thinking about, Oh, what, what, what's the analogy of leadership?

00:37:25.740 And I know this isn't perfect, but one thought I had was a train, you know, those movies where

00:37:30.260 somebody was on the train and somebody's like running to catch up to the train and they're

00:37:34.220 trying to make it on and they got to make it on.

00:37:36.120 Otherwise they're going to miss it.

00:37:37.060 Right.

00:37:37.300 I think it's just a way, right, right, right.

00:37:39.500 Yeah.

00:37:40.000 So I think this is a lot like leadership.

00:37:42.100 A leader is on a train.

00:37:43.640 He's got a track.

00:37:44.660 He's got a destination.

00:37:45.720 He knows where he's going.

00:37:47.240 It's very clear.

00:37:48.220 The objective is not to be derailed, right?

00:37:51.200 It's to get to that final objective, that vision as quickly as inefficiently as possible.

00:37:56.080 Now you're going to have people that are already on the train and that's great.

00:37:59.220 You want to get them there safely.

00:38:01.280 You want to help them and assist them on their own journey and path.

00:38:04.560 But then there's going to be people who are not on the train, who aren't interested in

00:38:08.420 being on the train.

00:38:09.220 And that's fine.

00:38:10.060 That's fine.

00:38:10.660 No big deal.

00:38:11.280 They're not going to where you're going.

00:38:12.580 Great.

00:38:13.340 But there's other people who are on the, the, the, at the train station and they're, they

00:38:18.860 realize they're late and they're running to catch up.

00:38:21.280 They're running, they're running, they're running.

00:38:22.600 And all you can do as a leader is extend your hand and tell them to catch up.

00:38:28.420 They have to exert some level of effort.

00:38:31.400 If they can't come 80 or 90% on their own, there's nothing that you're going to be able

00:38:36.540 to do to help that individual.

00:38:38.180 And the only thing that you would be able to do is to get off the train.

00:38:42.380 But if you get off the train, you're certainly not getting where you're going and your passengers

00:38:46.920 aren't getting where they want to go.

00:38:49.360 So we can't get off the train.

00:38:51.160 All we can do is encourage Kip, come on, run faster.

00:38:54.520 You got this, you got this, you got this and extend our hand.

00:38:57.700 And you, if you can make that final push can reach out and grab my hand and I can pull you

00:39:02.980 up aboard that train, but leaders don't step off of the train for other people.

00:39:07.900 And I know that's really hard.

00:39:09.480 And some people are going to, are going to say, oh, that's not compassionate and life

00:39:13.940 isn't that easy.

00:39:14.680 It's not, it certainly isn't.

00:39:16.340 There's so many factors and variables, but that's the best analogy that I've been able to

00:39:20.620 come up with that illustrates what it is.

00:39:24.660 Leadership is all about.

00:39:26.080 It's all about getting to where we want to go and helping other people who have exerted

00:39:30.480 themselves to get where they want to go.

00:39:34.760 Your comment of some people will say that's compassionate.

00:39:37.640 Guess what?

00:39:37.960 That also is.

00:39:39.000 That's no boundaries.

00:39:40.960 Yeah.

00:39:41.120 Imagine a life where you establish no boundaries.

00:39:43.260 Yeah.

00:39:43.440 Great point.

00:39:44.100 Yeah.

00:39:44.280 Go ahead.

00:39:44.740 Go ahead.

00:39:45.120 Be compassionate all you want.

00:39:46.400 And then by the way, you'll demonize everybody that took advantage of you because your life

00:39:50.740 was shitty.

00:39:51.440 Yeah.

00:39:52.060 Yeah.

00:39:52.380 Good point.

00:39:53.040 Yeah.

00:39:53.200 There's a lot of bitterness and resentment in that as well.

00:39:57.020 Cool.

00:39:57.280 Well, what do we got next?

00:39:58.640 Yeah.

00:39:58.880 Sorry, Kemp, if you had more, go ahead.

00:40:00.400 Yeah.

00:40:00.580 No, right.

00:40:01.220 No, you're good.

00:40:01.900 All right.

00:40:02.580 So I think we're on Dan.

00:40:06.400 Yeah.

00:40:07.420 So Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan.

00:40:11.480 Besides here, I can read it besides what's laid out in the start.

00:40:13.500 I told you I was going to read questions.

00:40:14.960 Now you got me reading questions.

00:40:16.040 No, no, no.

00:40:16.300 I'm going for the last name.

00:40:17.700 I'm looking for the cue for you on the last name.

00:40:19.840 What's Dan's last name, man?

00:40:21.300 I would say Delario.

00:40:25.200 Delario.

00:40:26.480 Delario.

00:40:27.040 All right.

00:40:27.380 Dan Delario.

00:40:28.180 DD.

00:40:29.180 What's up, DD?

00:40:30.740 Besides what's laid out in the start here section, it's kind of like, think of this, guys.

00:40:35.600 When you join the Iron Council, there's this documentation that illustrates what you need

00:40:39.820 to do to get rolling.

00:40:40.660 Besides what's laid out in that area, what three key pieces of advice do you have for

00:40:46.840 new members to succeed within the Iron Council?

00:40:50.860 I would say be very engaged in Slack.

00:40:54.480 That's the platform we use where we're having all of our discussions.

00:40:57.400 So be very engaged there in asking good questions, but also providing feedback and answers to other

00:41:02.160 people's questions where you might have some insight.

00:41:04.680 I've realized, and I got this from a networking group I belong to for a long time called B&I,

00:41:09.260 Business Network International.

00:41:10.340 It's a business networking group and their philosophy, their motto was givers gain, meaning

00:41:16.040 that the more that we give, the more that we naturally and inevitably get in return.

00:41:20.220 So if you want to make the most out of the Iron Council, give as much as you possibly can.

00:41:24.360 And you do that through asking powerful questions and giving solid, credible feedback and insight

00:41:30.740 to the guys who are asking questions.

00:41:32.220 I would say, get your battle plans done and start executing on those things.

00:41:38.020 And I know that is technically in the start here channel, but you've got to do the battle

00:41:43.200 plan and you've got to do it every quarter and you've got to track it every single day.

00:41:47.600 You have to track this stuff.

00:41:49.300 And some guys will say, well, I don't need that.

00:41:50.680 Look, maybe you don't, but your way has got you to where you are today.

00:41:55.020 And if you're happy with that, congratulations.

00:41:57.220 Maybe you don't need the Iron Council or maybe you're just content with where you are.

00:42:00.460 And to that, I say, great.

00:42:02.160 But if you're thinking about leveling up and taking this to the next stage, whatever that

00:42:06.240 may look like, then try something new.

00:42:09.600 Try something different.

00:42:10.760 And doing the battle plan, the way that we have laid it out and then tracking it every

00:42:15.220 single day has proven to produce results.

00:42:19.200 Outside of that, I would also say it's a good idea to find Iron Council members in your area

00:42:24.400 or in your region and try to get together face-to-face, shoulder-to-shoulder and engage

00:42:30.080 in a physical, mental, emotionally demanding situation.

00:42:35.180 I think that just forges tighter bonds between the members of the Iron Council.

00:42:38.460 That's nice.

00:42:41.620 And Dan, it's called the uprising.

00:42:43.540 I'm sure though, we'll get a date pretty soon, Ryan.

00:42:45.760 Yeah.

00:42:46.160 Yeah.

00:42:46.440 Spring 2019 on that as well.

00:42:48.560 Cool.

00:42:49.660 All right.

00:42:50.240 Terry Felix, his question.

00:42:52.520 I just want to hear a discussion and thoughts and views between you and Ryan about going the

00:42:57.520 distance along with any tips that you have found that have worked best for you.

00:43:01.500 I ask this because I continue to struggle with completing tasks and goals.

00:43:05.340 Uh, I said once they get hard, uncomfortable, and difficult, and I don't think I'm alone.

00:43:10.480 It's frustrating because I know it stops me just shy of experience, of experiencing the

00:43:16.320 fulfillment and pride of completing what I said I would do for myself.

00:43:20.020 This is a good question.

00:43:21.920 It's a really good question.

00:43:22.680 And it reminds me of my workout this morning.

00:43:24.900 Uh, as I went into CrossFit, that's, that's what I do that and some strength training outside

00:43:28.940 of CrossFit.

00:43:30.180 I got into there and, and our coach, Josh Langston was telling us what, what the workout was.

00:43:35.160 And it was every two minutes for 10 rounds, which is 20 minutes of work.

00:43:40.260 And there was some different exercises that we're doing.

00:43:42.700 Well, the first class, the 5am class thought that it was only a 10 minute workout.

00:43:48.140 And because they thought it was a 10 minute workout and Josh said, keep going at minute

00:43:52.040 11, because it was a 20 minute workout.

00:43:54.420 They were discouraged.

00:43:55.940 They were beaten up.

00:43:57.060 They'd given everything they possibly could in that 10 minute timeframe.

00:44:01.500 And it was very hard for them mentally to continue to go for an extra 10 minutes.

00:44:05.840 Now on the flip side, the way that I read the workout and understood it was that we were

00:44:10.880 going to do that 20 minute workout.

00:44:12.600 And then we had something else to do after it.

00:44:16.700 And so we got done with a 20 minute workout and I, and everybody was putting their weights

00:44:20.580 away.

00:44:21.440 And I said, Josh, what about that second workout?

00:44:23.680 He's like, oh no, no, that's not a workout.

00:44:25.160 That's, I just had to put that in there so we could track the results, which was interesting

00:44:28.900 because mentally I thought that we had another workout on top of the 20 minutes.

00:44:33.960 So it was like polar opposites, right?

00:44:35.480 We were on opposite ends of the spectrum.

00:44:37.280 And so I was fully engaged, not only in the 20 minute workout, but I was ready to go further.

00:44:42.740 And physically there may not have been much difference between me and the individuals

00:44:46.240 who had mentally given up because they thought it was a 10 minute workout.

00:44:49.920 Physically we're probably, probably similar.

00:44:52.680 And yet mentally we're completely different.

00:44:54.480 Now, how does this tie into the discussion of, of what Terry is asking here?

00:44:58.140 You talk about going the distance.

00:44:59.940 Well, what is the distance?

00:45:01.480 What does that even mean to me?

00:45:03.360 I hear it and I think, well, the distance is when I check out of this, this life, that's

00:45:07.860 the distance.

00:45:08.640 There's no final destination for me.

00:45:10.940 There's no end objective.

00:45:12.200 And so I don't define my victories based on me completing some objective.

00:45:18.660 I base it more on the tasks that I'm doing every single day, day in, day out that I want

00:45:25.800 to do and contribute and be part of for the rest of my life.

00:45:29.220 If I can do those tactics and those activities, then I win.

00:45:35.380 Now I will complete some amazing things along the way.

00:45:38.440 I've got a signed copy of my book right here that I need to send out.

00:45:42.280 And I was very fulfilled when I completed this book for about a day.

00:45:47.440 And then I was like, cool, wrote the book.

00:45:51.540 What's next?

00:45:52.880 And when I hit these objectives that are in her battle plan, I'm like, cool.

00:45:55.900 I did what I said I was going to do.

00:45:57.400 What's next?

00:45:58.380 And when we get to a certain number of downloads on the podcast, I say, great.

00:46:02.140 What's next?

00:46:03.300 Because I don't define it.

00:46:04.600 My victories on these objectives.

00:46:07.620 I define it on what I'm doing every single day that will inevitably, inevitably produce the

00:46:13.300 type of results that I'm after.

00:46:15.600 I love it.

00:46:16.660 And Terry, if for a tactic, if I wanted to throw a tactic in here, define exactly what

00:46:24.440 needs to be done and focus on completing that.

00:46:27.460 I think like, let me give you an example.

00:46:31.480 Some guys will be loose with their objectives or their tactics and they'll say a workout five

00:46:36.320 days a week.

00:46:37.280 And then they go to the gym and they're not filling it.

00:46:41.100 And they put a put in a crappy workout and bell early.

00:46:45.900 The way you avoid that and go the distance with that workout is to know exactly what

00:46:51.540 the workout is way before you even got there, right?

00:46:54.920 To know what the workout is before you even woke up, right?

00:46:58.360 If you, if you go off of, uh, what should I do today?

00:47:02.000 Well, then no one ever do legs, right?

00:47:05.360 But if you know tomorrow's leg day and you're committed to doing what you said you would do

00:47:10.460 to yourself from a perspective of integrity, then it's just, you show up and guess what?

00:47:16.700 You do the items on the list and you're doing them.

00:47:19.680 Why?

00:47:19.960 Because you said you would do them.

00:47:21.320 And you already planned it and you eliminated distractions and all these other things.

00:47:24.240 And the thought process, oh, what should I do?

00:47:26.560 Oh, maybe I should do shoulder.

00:47:27.860 Oh, oh, I just blew 20 minutes.

00:47:29.780 Now it's too late, right?

00:47:30.660 And so I think the, the more that we can define the very specifics of what we need to do, then

00:47:36.140 all you have to do is just show up and do what's on there.

00:47:38.540 And, and at one point in my life, I used to do like P90X, uh, which is, you know, I giggle

00:47:44.100 a little bit because people may like have some associated meaning to that.

00:47:47.980 Dude, P90X is awesome, by the way.

00:47:49.940 Well, I mean, people complain about, oh, you shouldn't do that.

00:47:52.440 You should do this.

00:47:53.160 Well, you know what?

00:47:53.700 Yeah.

00:47:54.000 Shut up.

00:47:54.540 Like you're, you're working out, you're doing the thing and, and you grow and you evolve.

00:47:58.860 People say that about CrossFit all the time.

00:48:00.300 You know what?

00:48:01.280 CrossFit got me off the couch.

00:48:02.580 I've been doing it for four years.

00:48:03.700 It's the only exercise and activity that's kept me engaged for that period of time.

00:48:07.100 And it's been great.

00:48:07.800 So don't, don't complain to me about what's good and what isn't good.

00:48:11.740 Yeah.

00:48:12.120 But the, the guy who does, uh, P90X, and I should be able to reference his name because

00:48:17.280 I've watched hundreds of hours of him, but regardless, uh, a joke, he constantly

00:48:21.680 says is like, uh, or it's not a joke, but a phrase that he uses all the time is, uh,

00:48:26.600 do your best, forget the rest.

00:48:28.820 And sometimes I think about it.

00:48:30.280 I'm like, all right, my objective lift this much weight, this many reps.

00:48:34.180 Okay.

00:48:34.580 Remove the damn meaning that like, oh, I only got eight or what it doesn't matter.

00:48:39.640 Do the best I could possibly do.

00:48:41.740 And that's it.

00:48:42.620 Right.

00:48:43.160 Like let the chips fall where they may.

00:48:45.140 Exactly.

00:48:45.840 Like make it more about just doing your best and, and remove some of that meaning that

00:48:50.980 we constantly put around everything.

00:48:53.400 Well, not only is it meaning, but it's comparison.

00:48:56.240 Yeah.

00:48:56.600 So guys are listening to this right now and they're thinking to themselves, well, I want

00:48:59.680 to be where Kip is at with jujitsu and I want to be where Ryan's at with his business.

00:49:03.460 And I want to have this and I want to do this and I want to be this.

00:49:06.320 And they're comparing themselves to other people's highlight reels and other people's stories.

00:49:11.420 Just be the, be the hero of your own story.

00:49:14.580 Don't worry about being the hero of my story.

00:49:17.220 I'm different.

00:49:18.220 In a lot of ways, I may excel relative to what you're doing.

00:49:22.520 And in a lot of ways, frankly, I may fall behind you in a lot of things that both of

00:49:27.320 us are doing.

00:49:28.080 It's our own story.

00:49:29.400 It's our own journey.

00:49:30.780 Be better than you were, not me, better than you were yesterday.

00:49:35.720 What else, Kip?

00:49:36.480 What else?

00:49:36.960 Let's do this.

00:49:37.560 Jonathan Jones, how do you separate or differentiate your ego and pride?

00:49:42.800 Did we read this?

00:49:44.700 What's the rest of the question?

00:49:47.280 What is, what is the line where you're having pride as yourself becomes your ego is talking

00:49:52.400 man.

00:49:53.320 Maybe I don't know if we answered this last week or not.

00:49:55.720 Yeah.

00:49:55.940 I don't know if we answered this.

00:49:57.260 What is the line between having pride in yourselves versus your ego?

00:50:00.420 It's outcome.

00:50:01.920 It's outcome.

00:50:03.960 Your ego is a hindrance.

00:50:06.560 Your ego is keeping you back from accomplishing what you want to accomplish.

00:50:11.500 Your ego is getting in the way of seeing all that needs to be seen in order for you to

00:50:16.520 achieve big things in your life.

00:50:18.520 Pride, on the other hand, is giving you confidence.

00:50:22.120 It's lifting you up.

00:50:23.580 It's boosting you up.

00:50:24.680 It's helping you take greater risk and take on bigger challenges because you're proud of

00:50:30.200 the things that you've accomplished in the past.

00:50:31.800 And you have some level of faith knowing that because you were successful there, that you

00:50:36.960 can be successful in other endeavors.

00:50:38.840 So there's nothing wrong with being proud of who you are.

00:50:41.740 There's nothing wrong with being proud of the accomplishments that you've had in the past

00:50:46.660 if they are used to propel you forward.

00:50:49.140 But being arrogant and egotistical is cutting you off from successful outcomes moving forward

00:50:55.920 because you're going to get blindsided because you refuse to look at your own shortcomings.

00:51:01.880 I think that's the line.

00:51:03.260 It's the ultimate outcome.

00:51:06.080 Is it getting better?

00:51:07.960 Are you getting better?

00:51:09.080 Or are you falling behind?

00:51:10.760 And that is the difference between being proud of who you are and what you've done

00:51:14.160 and being arrogant or egotistical about it?

00:51:17.800 That's great.

00:51:18.780 Frank Foreman has a great question.

00:51:22.020 This may take like a whole hour.

00:51:24.460 But it's actually referencing off of a Facebook thread that was really centered around a guy

00:51:31.900 that wanted to bring a gun into his home for self-defense purposes.

00:51:36.400 And his wife was opposed to it.

00:51:39.620 And Frank felt it a good discussion.

00:51:43.420 He says,

00:51:44.140 The topic isn't my concern.

00:51:46.520 It was several of the responses.

00:51:50.860 However, many men stated,

00:51:52.860 You're the man.

00:51:53.940 You need to assert yourself.

00:51:55.560 I know from my experience that I preside in my home with my wife, not over my wife.

00:52:01.400 I realize you've hit upon marriage being a partnership in the past.

00:52:04.600 But the message seems to have slipped many ears.

00:52:07.940 Would you explain what it means to preside in the home, your community, and with your work?

00:52:14.040 Preside means leadership.

00:52:16.320 That's what it means.

00:52:17.380 And a leader's job is to help get somebody to a place they never could have dreamed of or imagined going on their own.

00:52:26.900 If you strip away everything else, that's your job.

00:52:30.020 And if you are trying to, quote unquote, assert yourself over somebody else, they are not going to be voluntarily led by you.

00:52:39.860 They just won't.

00:52:41.120 Your kids won't.

00:52:42.160 Your wife won't.

00:52:42.980 Your employees won't.

00:52:43.920 Your subordinates or soldiers won't.

00:52:46.360 You can't do that and keep that sustained over a long period of time.

00:52:50.720 Now, will they go with it?

00:52:52.420 Maybe to some degree, but not fully.

00:52:54.740 If it isn't their idea.

00:52:56.440 Preside is about leadership and leadership is about getting people to voluntarily follow you.

00:53:03.120 You can't be a leader if nobody's following you.

00:53:05.900 And if you're an asshole or you're aggressive or you're dominant or you're just asserting your will upon people, they're going to be bitter, resentful, angry, and it's going to create a lot of animosity in the relationships.

00:53:18.520 That you have, and ultimately you will not produce the outcome you're after, which in this case, based on this, this question is having a firearm in the house.

00:53:28.040 So let's talk about this specifically.

00:53:30.000 What's a better way to approach this by what Jocko would say, flanking the situation.

00:53:35.920 You're not going to assert yourself and her be happy about having a firearm in the house, but we're always a little bit afraid of or uncertain about things that we aren't familiar with.

00:53:47.380 So could you invite her to the range with you?

00:53:51.500 Could you help her understand how firearms work?

00:53:55.300 Could you take her out and expose her to being around a gun and the noise that it makes and, and the impact and the damage that it causes?

00:54:04.820 Could you guys take a course together?

00:54:06.900 You're not asking her to bring a house or a home in the house, excuse me, a firearm in the house.

00:54:10.860 You're just saying, Hey hon, would you mind going to a course with me?

00:54:15.000 I think she'd probably go to a course with you.

00:54:16.740 Now, if she won't go to a course with you, I think that might be indicative of a bigger problem.

00:54:21.940 And maybe you haven't done the work over the past two, three, 10 years, 20, 30 years in order for her to trust you or to have some level of mutual respect.

00:54:31.280 That goes significantly deeper than a discussion about a firearm.

00:54:34.580 But I think if you create some new ways in which to approach the situation, then she might be a little bit more open to it.

00:54:44.620 Help her understand your perspective and why it's important.

00:54:47.320 Try to understand her perspective and why that's important.

00:54:49.700 But guys, we are not dominating over our wives.

00:54:53.620 We're just not.

00:54:54.920 And who wants to do that for a long period anyways?

00:54:56.900 Like I love the challenge that my wife presents and she presents a challenge at times, no doubt.

00:55:02.760 And I, I present a challenge to her and it's the challenges that make it a worthwhile relationship.

00:55:08.020 But we're in this thing together.

00:55:09.740 And so I do all the work that I can outside of these significant conversations so that when we are ready to have these significant conversations, it goes significantly better because she trusts me.

00:55:21.080 She believes in me.

00:55:22.220 She looks at the past track record of success and says, Ryan knows what the hell he's doing because he hasn't led me astray before because he doesn't lie to me because when he says he's, he's going to do something, he does it.

00:55:35.220 And because he exceeds his own expectations and my expectations, I believe him.

00:55:41.180 I believe him.

00:55:43.100 And I don't have to have these awkward, weird conversations about my wife doubting me.

00:55:47.680 Now, will she question me?

00:55:48.840 Of course.

00:55:49.360 Any human should and would, I think, but that's a different thing than doubting and being cynical about what your partner is bringing to the relationship.

00:56:01.880 Thanks for bringing that up, Frank.

00:56:03.740 That was a good question.

00:56:04.680 That's a good conversation.

00:56:05.400 Yeah.

00:56:05.900 Absolutely.

00:56:07.100 Andrew Essex, his questions, when it comes to cutting out or limiting contact with negative people in your life, what is the best way to handle communication with family members?

00:56:16.660 Who constantly turn, who constantly turn the conversation into a negative topic or make the conversation about how disappointed they are in you?

00:56:24.680 I would, in that situation, I would address it head on.

00:56:28.400 I would just smack it right in the teeth.

00:56:30.380 Now, I'm not saying that like literally.

00:56:32.500 Okay.

00:56:32.820 I'm saying that you just sit down with your mother-in-law or stepmother or whoever it may be and just say, you know, I've been really disappointed because every time we have a conversation, it gets negative and the conversations go right into how disappointed you are.

00:56:53.500 And it just creates this negative, toxic environment that myself and my wife and my kids, I don't know the entire situation that we're just not interested in having.

00:57:02.500 So here's how this is going to go.

00:57:04.720 You're going to be positive around us.

00:57:07.260 You are going to be encouraging.

00:57:09.420 If there's something that maybe you see that you don't like, feel free to ask and we can have that discussion.

00:57:15.900 If it turns negative, we will disengage from the conversation and no longer come around.

00:57:23.780 Pick.

00:57:25.520 You get to pick.

00:57:26.880 I leave the ball in your court.

00:57:28.800 You can decide how this goes from here.

00:57:31.000 But these are my rules.

00:57:32.880 This is the game that I'm playing and you're welcome to play it or not.

00:57:37.960 But you will not dictate how this game will be played, how my life will be played.

00:57:44.240 That's how I would address it.

00:57:45.540 Now, look, that's not a comfortable conversation.

00:57:48.860 That's going to be awkward as hell.

00:57:51.280 And it's going to be stuffy and uncomfortable and miserable.

00:57:55.780 One thing I would encourage you to do is make sure that the people who are impacted by decisions that you're going to be making here are on board with it.

00:58:04.780 But this isn't really a complicated thing.

00:58:09.020 This is just a very difficult conversation.

00:58:12.320 Yeah, it might be easier just to smack someone in the face.

00:58:16.520 Well, and I would talk with maybe dad as well, right?

00:58:20.900 You know, so you talk with dad and say, hey, dad, look, this is the game I've decided to play.

00:58:26.520 These are the rules.

00:58:27.300 These are the boundaries.

00:58:28.040 And you can have this discussion with stepmom, your wife.

00:58:32.860 I'm assuming this is how it's working.

00:58:34.500 I don't know.

00:58:35.120 Again, you can have that conversation with her or I will.

00:58:39.160 But the conversation has got to be had.

00:58:40.860 Otherwise, you just won't see me or the kids.

00:58:43.020 And I don't want that to be the case, dad.

00:58:44.420 I want you to be in my life.

00:58:45.500 But this is the parameters in which you get to participate in it.

00:58:49.660 Yeah.

00:58:49.880 And I think the key is to go to that conversation with respect and not attack.

00:58:57.080 For sure.

00:58:57.520 That's a great, that's a good distinction.

00:58:59.160 Yeah.

00:58:59.420 It's not about being contentious.

00:59:01.840 It's about, it is about, because the outcome is not that you don't want her around.

00:59:07.800 The outcome is that you want to be pleasant together.

00:59:12.540 So give everybody an opportunity to step into those parameters.

00:59:17.640 You got to do that respectfully.

00:59:19.000 Absolutely.

00:59:19.440 I should have said that.

00:59:20.080 So that's a great point that you bring up, Kip.

00:59:21.980 Otherwise, it's just everyone's going to be defending each other's egos.

00:59:25.320 And then it's going to be worse.

00:59:27.280 Yeah, totally.

00:59:29.180 All right.

00:59:30.680 Dylan, Brady.

00:59:32.280 Hey, Ryan.

00:59:33.100 I'm hoping that you might do a show on the recovery side of things after getting out of

00:59:37.320 a toxic and emotional slash mentally abusive relationship for men like myself that have

00:59:43.360 lived through this.

00:59:44.620 Most of what I can find is help for women in these situations, but it seems like people

00:59:48.720 don't want to acknowledge that men get abused in these ways as well.

00:59:52.160 For me, I've been able to move past that bad relationship now, and I'm in a new relationship

00:59:57.820 with an absolute wonderful woman.

00:59:59.980 But I'm noticing the side effects from the past relationship popping up from time to time

01:00:04.160 with no fault at all from my new girlfriend.

01:00:06.560 What side effects can men like myself expect, and how do we overcome them?

01:00:12.380 Any of your help is much appreciated.

01:00:14.260 Thank you for what you do, and please keep it up.

01:00:16.800 I really appreciate the question.

01:00:18.820 I just don't have a legitimate answer to it.

01:00:21.820 I've never really dealt with that.

01:00:23.620 I'm able to get over things and people quickly.

01:00:26.560 And maybe there's some work that you can do there.

01:00:28.520 Like, why are you hanging on to this?

01:00:30.800 Why are you so stuck on this other woman or how abusive it was?

01:00:40.280 You know, maybe there are some issues with being accepted or being wanted.

01:00:45.480 I want to be very careful on this because I'm not a psychologist.

01:00:48.700 And I think that maybe some therapy could actually help.

01:00:52.960 I think sitting down with a professional and talking through these issues and having these

01:00:56.920 conversations and talking about why you feel the way that you feel could actually be very,

01:01:01.620 very powerful because my knee-jerk reaction, quite honestly, is like, you just get over it.

01:01:07.740 But that's not a fair answer.

01:01:09.500 It's really not.

01:01:10.280 But it's the best answer that I can give, which means that you probably ought to look

01:01:14.160 at a higher level than I'm able to answer.

01:01:17.280 I wish I could give you a better answer.

01:01:19.940 I can share.

01:01:21.140 I've had some toxic relationships in my life.

01:01:24.960 And one thing, at least, and maybe this isn't a solution, but a thought, is there is huge power

01:01:32.360 in empathy and understanding that that relationship that was toxic, that individual, understanding

01:01:41.660 her point of view.

01:01:43.020 I know that sounds super crazy.

01:01:44.540 I know that she was probably abusive, you know what I mean, in these ways.

01:01:48.100 But the reality of it is most people that are abusive, they're abusive because they're

01:01:53.400 running their own story, that they're broken in their own way.

01:01:57.180 And the abusiveness is actually a byproduct of something else.

01:02:00.980 And so I just think it's so powerful to look at those past relationships and say, you know

01:02:06.260 what, I get like, maybe I don't understand it completely, but I try.

01:02:11.540 And I get that.

01:02:12.700 Guess what?

01:02:13.480 Based upon how they are raised and who their parents were and the experiences that they

01:02:17.360 had, the probability of you being the same way is probably really high.

01:02:22.440 And so there's just something to be said that it's empathy and understanding that that's

01:02:28.360 a lot and it was unfortunate.

01:02:30.280 And I'm not saying that we should put up with that shit either.

01:02:33.580 Right.

01:02:33.980 You're not saying abuse that as a reason to stay engaged in the relationship.

01:02:37.200 You don't have to expose yourself to that abuse.

01:02:39.960 Yeah.

01:02:40.080 But just have some empathy for them and feel sorry for them.

01:02:42.860 Not from a, you know, I feel sorry for you like an asshole, but like, like I really like

01:02:47.980 honestly care despite the fact that they've been abusive to me.

01:02:52.200 And, and the benefit of that is it helps you understand them and it's more about them than

01:02:57.360 it is about you, right?

01:02:58.900 What we hold on to is what it means about us, right?

01:03:02.160 Oh, I keep bringing it along into other relationship.

01:03:04.520 Well, why is the other lady toxic?

01:03:06.680 No.

01:03:07.320 So what's different?

01:03:08.740 Oh, it's a meaning about yourself that you've carried on from the previous relationship into

01:03:14.960 the new one.

01:03:15.780 So make it about them.

01:03:17.380 Understand, have empathy and realize that, uh, you know, everyone has their hardships.

01:03:22.040 I, I just think there's a lot of power in that.

01:03:24.300 Yeah, no, great, great perspective.

01:03:25.900 Really good perspective.

01:03:27.800 All right.

01:03:28.220 How are we doing on time?

01:03:29.460 Uh, let's take a couple more, two or three more.

01:03:31.200 We'll try to fly through these ones as best we can.

01:03:33.620 All right.

01:03:34.180 Uh, yeah, these will be a little bit quicker.

01:03:35.660 I think, uh, mock, uh, Mark Osborne, do you believe in the law of attraction?

01:03:42.280 I believe that what we think about and what we work towards will produce more often than

01:03:48.820 not the desired outcome.

01:03:49.900 Now, if you want to call that the law of attraction, great.

01:03:53.740 Um, I think there's probably a lot of people that just say, that just say, or think that

01:03:57.360 if I think about it, it'll come true.

01:03:58.980 I think that's a very good start.

01:04:01.980 You got to think about something.

01:04:03.500 You got to have some objective, some goal in mind.

01:04:05.680 And then like we talk about within the battle plan is you've got to work backwards into the

01:04:10.860 application of the skills and the tactics that are going to help you achieve that outcome.

01:04:15.740 I don't think it just happens by itself.

01:04:17.460 I don't think the universe will magically gift it to you.

01:04:20.300 I think that the law of attraction is the first step.

01:04:24.140 I want to, I want to, I want to be in a, an engaging, meaningful relationship, or I want

01:04:29.260 to be healthy, or I want to be a business owner, whatever.

01:04:34.340 Okay, great.

01:04:35.340 Good start.

01:04:35.900 Now work backwards and continue to fixate on that thing that you have in mind and through

01:04:42.340 hard work and effort, I think you'll achieve it.

01:04:46.260 Ryan's next book, the law of attraction.

01:04:49.320 And then there's like a line through attraction.

01:04:51.280 And then it says action underneath.

01:04:53.100 There you go.

01:04:53.480 I like it.

01:04:54.060 Done book.

01:04:54.960 Done.

01:04:55.480 The law of action.

01:04:56.300 Co-authored by Kip Sorensen.

01:04:58.260 When you think action, things get done.

01:05:00.480 Right.

01:05:00.820 Or no, no, the law of action causes things.

01:05:05.900 To act, be acted upon.

01:05:08.060 I don't know.

01:05:08.460 We're going to have to work on that.

01:05:09.740 All right.

01:05:10.000 We'll work on it.

01:05:10.700 All right.

01:05:10.880 James Stewart, pet names, rubbish or romantic?

01:05:14.960 I think they're rubbish.

01:05:16.780 I don't care.

01:05:17.580 Whatever you think.

01:05:18.900 If you don't like pet names, then cool.

01:05:21.340 If you do, cool.

01:05:23.240 I think it's, I don't, do I have a pet?

01:05:26.340 I'm trying to think about a pet name for my wife.

01:05:28.920 I mean, I might say babe occasionally or Trish instead of Trisha.

01:05:33.420 I don't think I really have pet names.

01:05:36.140 I'm not real romantic either.

01:05:37.560 Like I'm, I'm not really, that's not really like my personality.

01:05:42.640 My wife will tell you that.

01:05:43.800 In fact, I'm going to have her on the podcast before too long and she'll tell you I'm not,

01:05:46.760 I'm not like a real feely kind of guy.

01:05:50.660 So I don't have pet names.

01:05:52.800 If you want to have a pet name, cool.

01:05:54.460 Like I hear pet names.

01:05:55.480 I'm like, oh, that's weird.

01:05:56.820 But if it works for you, then cool.

01:05:59.760 Go for it.

01:06:00.980 I say, ask your woman, dude.

01:06:03.600 Yeah, sure.

01:06:04.100 I guess.

01:06:04.700 Yeah.

01:06:05.720 Ask her.

01:06:06.620 And then even if you think it's rubbish and she thinks it's romantic, well, you know,

01:06:11.080 maybe a little sacrifice on your part.

01:06:12.900 Maybe.

01:06:13.500 I don't know if I, I don't know if I, I, it'd be hard for me to get all googly eyes and

01:06:18.800 use weird pet.

01:06:20.360 That would be hard for me.

01:06:22.520 That's funny.

01:06:23.200 All right.

01:06:24.120 Jazid Flores, you could talk about grandfather's role in family where the protect, provide and

01:06:31.020 preside.

01:06:33.300 But now that we are the young and strong, where does that leave our elders?

01:06:37.780 So I think he's kind of talking about, you know, our grandfathers had this role, right?

01:06:41.540 Of presiding and they're getting older and we're young and strong.

01:06:46.140 Where does that leave their role?

01:06:47.880 That's a good point.

01:06:49.260 It changes certainly.

01:06:50.900 And I would say that in a lot of ways, the protect side of things potentially goes away

01:06:58.320 because now we're talking about physical strength and maybe not being as strong or capable physically

01:07:03.620 as they once were.

01:07:04.560 But that doesn't by any means that are not mentally or spiritually or emotionally capable

01:07:08.640 of handing down these ideas and thoughts.

01:07:11.240 And so I love the idea of a grandfather being able to continue to pass down wisdom.

01:07:15.940 Now I think about this also from me, you know, I'm, I'm 37 years old at some point in the

01:07:21.640 future, hopefully not near future, but in the future, I will be a grandfather and I would

01:07:27.820 like to think that I've adequately equipped my children and hopefully a hand with my grandchildren

01:07:33.340 and being protectors, providers and presiders so they can protect, provide and preside over

01:07:38.040 me when that time comes and that they're worthy of doing so.

01:07:41.880 I think this comes back to one of those first questions about rendering yourself obsolete.

01:07:46.020 There's, there's a word that I'm going to say, and people, people will gasp and cringe

01:07:50.560 when I say it.

01:07:51.300 And that word is patriarchy, patriarchy.

01:07:54.720 That's not a bad word.

01:07:56.520 Society and the social, social justice warriors of the world have taken on that word and made

01:08:01.300 it mean something negative, but there's something to be said for men passing down knowledge to

01:08:07.360 future generations.

01:08:08.340 That's not a bad thing.

01:08:09.800 That's a good thing.

01:08:10.680 Same thing with the matriarchy, meaning that the mother, the woman passes on her knowledge

01:08:15.920 and her wisdom that she has to share as well.

01:08:18.480 So I, I believe that maybe some of those evolve and grow.

01:08:24.120 And I certainly think preside, uh, is going to always probably be relevant, but the provide

01:08:30.520 and protect portion of it is something that at some point, a grandfather, a father should

01:08:36.280 consider passing down those keys to the future generation so they can do what you taught them

01:08:40.620 to do.

01:08:43.440 There you have it.

01:08:45.000 Kyle Bruce, how does one balance appreciating where one currently is in the process of self

01:08:51.400 improvement while striving towards the man one will become?

01:08:55.560 I don't think they're mutually exclusive.

01:08:57.260 A lot of people think they are.

01:08:58.480 A lot of people think that, Oh, I have to constantly be striving and growing and evolving and be

01:09:02.560 dissatisfied with where I am, or I have to be completely satisfied.

01:09:05.800 And then in the meantime, be mediocre and complacent about my future improvement.

01:09:10.040 I think both can exist simultaneously.

01:09:12.960 I think it's very simple to express gratitude and appreciation for the things that you have.

01:09:19.520 And at the same time want bigger and better and greater and grander.

01:09:24.140 There's nothing wrong with having aspirations, whether they're temporal, like financial or

01:09:29.300 business success or spiritual or emotional, there's nothing wrong with that at all.

01:09:35.360 In fact, you're on this earth in order to grow and to expand and to excel and gain knowledge

01:09:41.960 and wisdom and experience.

01:09:43.340 And all of the things that we go through will help you achieve that.

01:09:48.060 Now on the other side is like, can we appreciate the things that we have?

01:09:51.220 Yeah.

01:09:51.560 Take a, take a breath, stop and smell the roses from time to time, look around and be grateful.

01:09:57.120 You know, some people have a gratitude journal.

01:09:59.680 In fact, I think Kip, you and I probably talked about that maybe two or three weeks ago about

01:10:03.180 you expressing the gratitude for the things that you have and writing these things down on a daily

01:10:08.780 basis and, and just showing appreciation for the things that we have.

01:10:13.220 So how do you balance them?

01:10:15.720 You exercise both.

01:10:17.440 You create visions and have plans for the future and work towards those things.

01:10:21.260 And at the same time, you express gratitude and appreciation for the things that you have.

01:10:27.500 Hmm.

01:10:29.420 All right.

01:10:30.080 Andrew Ballard's question.

01:10:31.580 Let's make this the last one, Kip.

01:10:33.380 Oh, perfect.

01:10:34.380 Unless you have another one or two that you want to make sure we get to.

01:10:37.360 No, no, I think, I think this is good.

01:10:39.280 Okay.

01:10:39.480 I think this is good.

01:10:40.220 So Andrew Ballard, his, it's more of a statement and, and I'm assuming it's a question and, and

01:10:45.140 if you don't mind, Ryan, I'd like to answer this one first.

01:10:47.640 I don't mind at all.

01:10:48.940 All right.

01:10:49.540 So, uh, his question is serving the community and I'm assuming maybe ideas around how to

01:10:55.200 serve your community.

01:10:55.840 And I have the perfect idea.

01:10:58.360 Um, let me share what it is.

01:11:02.720 Oh my gosh.

01:11:03.960 I'm like, what are you playing?

01:11:13.860 All right.

01:11:14.680 That, that is how you serve your community and your country, Andrew.

01:11:20.040 Oh my gosh.

01:11:21.760 I had to do it.

01:11:22.560 I had to do it.

01:11:23.260 Did we talk about what that was?

01:11:26.260 I don't know.

01:11:27.100 There's going to be some people that listen that don't know what that is that you just

01:11:30.380 played and maybe don't even want to know once they realized there's a video associated

01:11:36.780 to like, Oh man.

01:11:38.920 So I was in the shower, I don't know, a week or so ago, whatever it was, I was in the shower

01:11:44.780 and I knew my wife was in the bathroom, which is separate from the shower, right?

01:11:49.060 You have the sinks or whatever.

01:11:49.940 And then you have the shower area and I knew she was in there and I was just dinking around.

01:11:54.040 And so I just start singing at the top of my lungs, the star spangled banner.

01:11:58.380 Cause that's what you do in the shower.

01:11:59.600 You just sing the star spangled banner.

01:12:01.480 And I'm singing this thing at the top of my lungs.

01:12:03.940 And I'm like, I get done with it.

01:12:05.540 I'm like, what'd you think of that, hon?

01:12:06.960 And I opened the shower door and she's got this big goofy grin on her face.

01:12:13.780 And she has her phone out.

01:12:15.280 She recorded the entire thing.

01:12:17.800 And that's what Kip just played for you is me singing the star spangled banner in the

01:12:23.940 shower.

01:12:25.440 Some of the funniest comments on Facebook are the results of that video.

01:12:30.780 Like guys that are like, is it weird that I stood up in the bathroom?

01:12:35.460 And some guys were pretending they liked the frosted glass.

01:12:38.520 And I told them they would date in all reality.

01:12:41.100 If that's what you're thinking, you probably wish it wasn't frosted or something like that.

01:12:44.980 I don't know.

01:12:46.680 Thank you.

01:12:47.320 Thank you for sharing that.

01:12:49.520 So should we give Andrew a real answer now?

01:12:52.260 Yeah.

01:12:52.540 Yeah.

01:12:52.820 Why don't you give him a real one?

01:12:55.500 Uh, yes, you should serve the community.

01:12:58.640 One of the best ways and frankly, most fulfilling.

01:13:01.660 And so maybe this makes the selfish ways of serving your community is coaching.

01:13:06.380 Hands down.

01:13:07.500 I love coaching youth sports.

01:13:10.340 I love seeing these boys who don't know much about the game.

01:13:14.560 Maybe don't know much about life.

01:13:16.020 Uh, even, you know, guys that don't boys that don't have fathers in their lives, even the

01:13:20.400 ones that do have fathers in their lives is gaining a new perspective about how to approach

01:13:24.460 life.

01:13:24.860 And man, it's challenging and it's frustrating at times.

01:13:28.140 It's like hurting cats, but it is so rewarding.

01:13:31.320 And we talk about preside.

01:13:33.040 We've talked about it in this podcast.

01:13:34.480 We as men have a moral obligation to lead in our families, our businesses and our communities.

01:13:40.340 I say that every single week on this podcast and it isn't just lip service and it isn't

01:13:44.720 just something that's clever or crafty to say.

01:13:47.600 It is legitimate truth for me that we have an obligation to serve our communities.

01:13:53.220 That might be political aspirations that may be just mowing your neighbor's lawn or pushing

01:13:58.700 some snow off the driveway for them or coaching.

01:14:01.940 There's so much going to a soup kitchen.

01:14:05.220 I mean, there's so many different ways to provide service.

01:14:09.380 And I would also encourage you if you have kids to get them involved in the process as

01:14:13.440 well, because you can instill this and foster the idea of service in the community to them.

01:14:19.300 But yeah, that's our job as men to serve other people.

01:14:23.140 And it starts within the walls of your home and then it expands out to your neighbors and

01:14:27.980 then your community, your state, your governments, and frankly, humanity altogether.

01:14:32.220 There you go.

01:14:36.160 Go shower, record it, sing a song.

01:14:39.500 And let the world enjoy it.

01:14:41.680 All right, man, let's wrap this up for the day.

01:14:44.540 So Patreon, we need more.

01:14:47.940 Join us at patreon.com forward slash order of man.

01:14:51.300 Of course, on the social side, Ryan's at on Insta at Ryan Mickler, Twitter's at order of

01:14:58.020 man.

01:14:58.340 And of course, on Facebook, join us to get your questions on here and have the conversations

01:15:04.500 with these other guys and rub shoulders with some of these guys and have, you know, tough

01:15:08.680 conversations and support the other 30,000 plus 50, 40, 50.

01:15:16.480 We just hit 50,000 Facebook members just a couple of days ago.

01:15:21.380 Dude, that's crazy.

01:15:23.340 Isn't that crazy?

01:15:24.240 It's crazy.

01:15:24.840 It is crazy.

01:15:25.560 It's awesome.

01:15:25.820 So that URL guys, facebook.com forward slash groups forward slash order of man.

01:15:30.560 Um, we have, by the way, Kip, I gotta, I gotta jump in.

01:15:33.660 Remember that conversation we had about forward slashes?

01:15:36.560 Yeah.

01:15:37.440 I looked it up and that is in fact a forward slash.

01:15:43.220 Thanks.

01:15:44.040 You already knew that.

01:15:45.060 I had to confirm cause I'm like, I don't know if that's true, but it is in fact a forward

01:15:49.160 slash.

01:15:49.580 That's Ryan publicly saying I was right.

01:15:52.540 You were right.

01:15:54.140 Kip, you were right.

01:15:55.600 Yes.

01:15:56.400 One time.

01:15:57.660 Um, what else?

01:15:59.620 You derailed me.

01:16:00.540 Oh, rash guards.

01:16:01.940 So the pre-orders are in.

01:16:04.040 Yes.

01:16:04.240 A lot of guys, by the time this podcast releases, you guys should probably start receiving your

01:16:11.680 rash guards.

01:16:12.460 You may even have them in hand.

01:16:14.320 So we're recording this on the 25th.

01:16:18.580 I think they will ship beginning on the 27th and 28th.

01:16:23.020 So by the time this podcast releases, they probably have been shipped and you may have

01:16:27.000 already received it.

01:16:28.560 I would like to suggest that you take a picture of you in the rash guard in a weird scenario

01:16:36.240 and post it on the Facebook group.

01:16:38.100 It'd be really fun.

01:16:38.820 Um, all right, well, you guys give us some feedback and you can, yeah, I don't know.

01:16:46.420 Um, you guys want to see a fanny pack with the rash guard.

01:16:50.300 Okay.

01:16:50.920 All right.

01:16:51.620 You got it.

01:16:52.480 Done.

01:16:53.020 Done.

01:16:53.440 And done rash guard, fanny pack, pineapple, swim shorts, bow in hand.

01:16:59.000 We're ready to go.

01:17:00.440 Yeah.

01:17:00.600 Just need the beard, I guess, to pull that off.

01:17:02.820 And the flat brim hat.

01:17:04.280 And the fat brim.

01:17:04.780 Uh, order of man.com.

01:17:07.640 We have a store, get some product.

01:17:11.080 Uh, new products are coming out fairly soon.

01:17:13.540 Ryan.

01:17:13.960 Correct.

01:17:14.620 Yeah.

01:17:14.760 We've got some, some winter stuff, some beanies, some hoodies, some long sleeve stuff, a couple

01:17:19.980 new shirt designs, a couple new hats, curve brim hats, by the way.

01:17:25.480 So we've got some stuff for Bubba and his family for Bubba and the other four people

01:17:30.100 that wear curb brim hats these days.

01:17:33.080 That's good.

01:17:33.720 That's going to piss people off more than anything else we said in this podcast.

01:17:37.580 Bring it on.

01:17:38.580 Bring it on.

01:17:39.360 Hundreds of hats just to prove us wrong.

01:17:41.200 Hey, either way we win.

01:17:43.880 So bring it on.

01:17:46.500 Uh, good times.

01:17:47.720 What else?

01:17:48.420 I think that's it, man.

01:17:49.240 That's it.

01:17:49.680 Kip.

01:17:49.920 Appreciate you, man.

01:17:50.640 Like always guys, I appreciate you.

01:17:52.240 Of course, as always, one thing we failed to mention is the rash guards guys.

01:17:57.060 Those are made by origin, Maine.

01:17:59.140 And if you're not familiar with the work that those guys are doing, go check them out.

01:18:02.900 Origin, Maine.com right here in front of my computer or behind my computer, I should say

01:18:08.180 is I've got, I just got a little surprise package from my boys over at origin.

01:18:12.740 It's Jocko's mulk, but it's their two new flavors.

01:18:16.080 So it's the darkness, which is chocolate protein and it's vanilla gorilla protein.

01:18:23.220 Jocko and his names.

01:18:24.420 Their marketing is a killer, man.

01:18:26.580 Killer.

01:18:27.120 So I've got both of these sitting here.

01:18:29.960 I haven't even tried them yet because I got them last night.

01:18:32.660 Go over to origin, Maine.com.

01:18:34.540 Check out what they're doing.

01:18:35.380 Good friends of mine over there.

01:18:36.720 And they'll give you a 10% discount on geese, rash guards, mulk, super krill, everything,

01:18:45.920 all of it, all the stuff they have.

01:18:47.740 If you use order, O-R-D-E-R at checkout.

01:18:50.560 So origin, Maine.com and order at checkout.

01:18:52.780 And then of course, check out everything that we're doing as well.

01:18:54.700 That's a given.

01:18:55.960 All right, guys.

01:18:56.780 Again, I appreciate you.

01:18:58.040 Glad you're here.

01:18:58.740 Love to see the podcast growing.

01:19:00.080 Keep sharing, keep leaving those reviews.

01:19:01.860 And until Friday for our Friday field notes, take action and become the man you are meant

01:19:06.740 to be.

01:19:07.660 Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast.

01:19:10.520 You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.

01:19:14.300 We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.

Order of Man - October 03, 2018

The Critical Difference Between Pride and Ego, Overcoming Toxic Relationships, and the Power of the Patriarch ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

Episode Stats

Length

Words per Minute

Word Count

Sentence Count

Misogynist Sentences

Hate Speech Sentences

Summary

Transcript