Order of Man


The DO's and DO NOT's of Separation and Divorce ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES


Episode Stats

Misogynist Sentences

10

Hate Speech Sentences

9


Summary


Transcript

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart
00:00:04.980 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.
00:00:10.440 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who
00:00:17.160 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,
00:00:22.700 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, it's good to have you here and it's good to have you back.
00:00:27.580 My name is Ryan Mickler and I am the host and the founder of the Order of Man podcast. At this
00:00:32.360 point, the movement, we've been going for six strong years now. And first and foremost,
00:00:37.160 just want to thank you for being on this path with us. We've got a very, very important discussion
00:00:41.420 with you today, specifically if you're going through a separation or a divorce. But even if
00:00:48.880 you're not in any one of those situations, what I'm going to share with you is still going to be
00:00:53.520 applicable for you, whether you find yourself in that situation down the road or not. I hope this
00:00:59.020 is not the case that you find yourself in the midst of a separation or a divorce, but I think
00:01:03.600 it's pretty common for men and it's certainly something that we need to address. So guys, before I
00:01:09.920 get into that, let me just tell you very, very quickly, I do appreciate all the support over the
00:01:13.780 past six years now. I just ask that you continue to support what we're doing. We need this word to
00:01:20.420 get out. The mission to reclaim and restore masculinity. It's a grassroots movement.
00:01:25.100 I don't put a bunch of time and energy into advertising and promoting and things like that.
00:01:29.480 Maybe I will in the future, but for right now, my emphasis is focused on the best way that I can
00:01:34.720 serve you. So as I do, I'm going to need to enlist your help in sharing. Send a text, take a screenshot,
00:01:42.840 post it on the socials, whatever you can to promote the visibility. And of course, leave a rating and
00:01:48.200 review. That's a very easy way to say thank you, to give back and to help boost us up in the charts.
00:01:54.820 I was looking at it the other day. I think we're at number 35-ish or so, somewhere right in there.
00:02:01.160 We need to be number one. There's no reason we shouldn't be number one. And in order to do that,
00:02:06.580 ratings and reviews count and the amount of people that see this message. So please do that.
00:02:11.160 That's it. That's all I got by way of announcements. Let's talk about this. I made a post on
00:02:15.520 Instagram the other day. And by the way, if you're not following me there, make sure you do
00:02:20.040 at Ryan Mickler. That's where you can take the screenshot and post it and tag me at Ryan Mickler.
00:02:25.040 And I was talking about divorce and separation, some do's and do nots. And this one hits home for me.
00:02:32.040 My wife and I, roughly 12 years or so ago, went through our own separation. We were separated for
00:02:39.140 about four months, three, four months. Obviously, we've reconciled since then. And we've been
00:02:43.880 happily married for 17 years now. Yep. 17 years. We've got four beautiful kids. We moved here to
00:02:52.100 Maine several years ago to pursue this dream and this adventure and this career path. And so things
00:02:57.200 are pretty good. Not to say that we're without our share of challenges, but things are good.
00:03:02.480 Uh, but it wasn't always that way for us. There was some very dark times. Uh, we were very,
00:03:08.140 uh, I was going to say mean to each other, but that's kind of an understatement. We were conniving
00:03:16.620 and we were ruthless and relentless and we attacked each other and it was bad. Uh, and so we ended up
00:03:22.780 going through a separation and I've talked about it. I think a lot of the early success we've had with
00:03:27.080 order of man stem from a video that I did about our separation. So, uh, you know, I've addressed it.
00:03:32.960 So I don't need to keep beating a dead horse on this, but, uh, I share this with you because I've
00:03:37.560 been through what so many of you are going through right now and what you may actually go through,
00:03:43.520 uh, sometime down the road. So this post on social media, uh, was basically the do's and the do nots.
00:03:50.940 Now it's not an exhaustive list. It doesn't include everything. And you might have some additional
00:03:55.360 ideas. And if you do, please share, because that's what this movement is all about. It's not
00:03:59.320 me talking at you. Uh, it's all of us working together, communicating so that we can come up
00:04:04.460 with some solutions for our own problems in our own lives. Uh, but basically what I was saying is
00:04:09.160 that if you're going to, if you're in the midst of a divorce or separation, that it's going to get
00:04:12.700 better. I know it doesn't feel like that right now. I know that it might feel like you're in the,
00:04:20.280 you know, the pit of hell and that there's darkness and despair and anguish around you right
00:04:28.000 now. I get it. I've been there. I understand it, but rest assured it will get better. There is a
00:04:33.560 light at the end of the tunnel, but there's also some things that you can do right now to make sure
00:04:39.440 that you get to that light quicker, to make sure that you manage your physical, mental, and emotional
00:04:45.560 health. And that you ensure that during this dark and difficult time, you still come out ahead.
00:04:51.900 And that's what I want for you, regardless of where your relationship goes, because I'm not going
00:04:56.500 to tell you that by following these, you know, these 10 simple steps or whatever it is, that
00:05:02.580 everything's going to work out the way that you want it right now. I'm not here to tell you that
00:05:07.520 you're going to reconcile the relationship with your girlfriend or your wife or your ex. I don't know.
00:05:12.620 And if I told you that I'd, I'd be, I'd be bullshitting you because I don't know. And you
00:05:19.020 don't know. And she may not know, but regardless, however, this plays out over the next year or two
00:05:26.000 or three or five years, if you implement what I'm going to share with you today, you will come out
00:05:30.280 on top. You'll find yourself in a better position and relationship with her, or you'll be a great catch
00:05:38.660 for the next woman to come into your life. And trust me, there will be a next woman.
00:05:43.560 There will be, there's going to be somebody else. And I want you to be prepared for when that day
00:05:49.640 comes. So let's break this down again, the do's and the do nots. Number one, we'll go through the
00:05:54.040 do's first, train your body. Now here's the hard part with the do's that the list of do's that I'm
00:06:00.080 going to tell you to, to engage in. You don't feel like it. You don't feel like getting out of bed
00:06:05.240 early. You don't feel motivated or compelled or inspired to get up and go train, to go to jujitsu,
00:06:11.980 to go lift weights, to go run, to do whatever it is you're going to do. You don't feel like it.
00:06:18.880 But the way you feel about it isn't really a factor unless you decide for it to be. So
00:06:23.780 let's get over that. You're not going to feel like doing any of this. Do it anyway. So number one,
00:06:30.140 train your body every day, get up early. If you can stay up late, if you have to do it on a lunch
00:06:36.560 break, if you must, but train your body in one form or the other, every single day. For me personally,
00:06:43.680 four days of jujitsu, four to five days of strength training that works for me outside of that. I make
00:06:50.580 sure I get my steps in. We walk around the field, me and my sons and daughter have competitions and
00:06:56.320 things like that, that, that helped me stay active and engaged, but there is deliberate and
00:07:00.020 intentional time. And it's at least 45 minutes to an hour every single day. Number two, learn a new
00:07:05.980 skill. A lot of this might be, it might look like distraction. And to a degree it is, you need to
00:07:13.080 distract yourself from these negative and toxic thoughts that you might have in the midst of a
00:07:17.960 separation or divorce. But regardless of whether or not it's a distraction, the things I'm going to
00:07:24.100 share with you are also going to serve you. And so learning a new skill, learning how to shoot a
00:07:29.060 bow, learning how to shoot a rifle, learning how to paint, learning how to take pictures, learning how
00:07:34.620 to develop a website. One thing I told my wife the other day is I want to learn how to weld something
00:07:39.480 I don't know how to do. I think it'd be a valuable skill, learning survival skills, learning how to build
00:07:44.380 a canoe, picking up carpentry, learning how to build furniture, playing the guitar. It doesn't even
00:07:49.920 matter. And it doesn't have to relate to anything career related. It doesn't have to be quote unquote
00:07:54.800 logical. It doesn't have to be pragmatic or practical. If it sounds interesting, just pursue
00:08:01.280 it. Hey, I've always wanted to learn how to play the guitar. Or maybe even a weirder example would be
00:08:07.600 like, Hey, I've always wanted to learn how to play the harmonica or the harp. Okay. That's enough of a
00:08:12.820 reason to go do it. So buy the harmonica, get on Amazon, you'll get it in a couple of days and you can
00:08:18.960 play the harmonica till your heart's content. And that's what you should be doing. Learn and
00:08:24.120 develop a new skill. It will distract you, but also it'll feel good because you'll see yourself
00:08:29.740 improving, getting better, hitting the chords, getting the right brushstrokes, building the canoe,
00:08:35.720 taking a bunch of lumber that you got at your local hardware store and turning it into a new
00:08:40.220 bookshelf that you've always needed. It's going to feel better when you develop and learn a new skill
00:08:44.620 and you work towards that mastery. Number three, develop a new hobby. Now this is in line with
00:08:51.640 developing a new skill, but maybe there's a hobby like hunting, geocaching. Perhaps you want to learn
00:08:59.600 how to work on vehicles and you want to restore old vehicles, or you want to learn to race motocross
00:09:07.260 or monster trucks. I don't know. I'm just picking out random things here because it doesn't matter
00:09:13.060 what it is, but develop a new hobby. Find something you can pour your heart and your mind and your energy
00:09:19.860 and attention and soul into. So A, you're distracted and B, you get better. How can you not feel good
00:09:29.120 about improving in your life? It's hard. You may not feel like it. You may not have the motivation,
00:09:34.240 but I promise you this is going to feel better. Number four, start a side business. Now maybe one
00:09:41.160 of these skills or hobbies will actually turn into a money-making venture for you and you can start a
00:09:48.360 business. And this feels good for men. I think specifically is that if you can take a skill or
00:09:54.100 hobby or activity or interest, and you can actually turn it into a money-making venture, then you begin
00:09:59.980 to produce more than you consume, which is something that I've talked about at length for six years.
00:10:04.240 It always feels good for a man to produce. And if your income grows from 50 or 100 or 200,000,
00:10:13.160 whatever it is now, to all of a sudden you're making an extra 500 or 1,000 or $5,000 a month,
00:10:19.880 that's going to feel pretty good. That's going to improve your bank account. That's going to improve
00:10:25.840 your psyche and your wellbeing. It's certainly going to improve the lives of others because you're solving
00:10:30.280 a problem, addressing a need that other people have. And then you're going to feel valuable because
00:10:35.260 right now you don't, right? You don't, you feel worthless. You feel ashamed. You don't feel
00:10:40.480 valuable. I'm saying this from experience. I know what this is like, but if on the other hand,
00:10:45.920 you pick up new clients, you give them a service or an offering or a solution to their problems,
00:10:51.280 you're going to feel valuable and that's going to improve your life. Uh, the next one, build new
00:11:00.140 male friendships. Now, if you're anything like me and most guys are in this context anyways,
00:11:06.640 is that when you get married or you get into a committed or long-term relationship, the first
00:11:12.020 thing to go is to, well, two things. Number one, your male friendships, all your buddies go by the
00:11:17.700 wayside. And I get it. You want to spend time with her. She looks better. She's more attractive.
00:11:22.780 She's more fun to spend time with. She smells better. Like, of course you're going to want to
00:11:27.460 spend more time with her. And so what do we do? Well, we forsake our male friendships.
00:11:33.440 And then we find ourselves in the midst of a depth, uh, divorce or separation.
00:11:37.720 And we realize, oh shit, I don't have any friends. That's what it was for me. When my wife and I went
00:11:44.180 through our separation roughly 12 years ago, I realized very quickly, I hadn't done a good job
00:11:50.020 managing friendships, which was on me. I let all that stuff go. And so my buddies were on to bigger
00:11:57.560 and better and greater things. And I didn't, I didn't have those guys. And even for the guys I
00:12:02.240 could have reached out to, I felt awkward because I hadn't talked to him for a decade.
00:12:05.060 So guys, we have to, we have to continue to nurture and develop our male friendships. And also,
00:12:16.440 this is what I was saying earlier. This is going to apply whether you're divorced or you're in a,
00:12:20.900 in a healthy relationship. Don't let your male friendships go. It's a trap. It's a devastating,
00:12:28.360 devastating trap. Carve out time weekly two nights a week, or maybe it's in the morning before anybody
00:12:37.780 else in your family gets up, but dedicate time to develop and nurture your male friendships and
00:12:43.360 relationships. Not just because you'll need them. If you go through separation, just because it's good
00:12:47.480 for you. There's things that I can't necessarily talk about with my wife. Now I don't hide things
00:12:53.860 from her. That's not what I'm saying, but there's conversations that I can't really have to the
00:13:00.820 degree that I need to have them with my wife because she won't understand, but I can get on
00:13:07.680 the phone. I can have a fight night. I can go to jujitsu. I can go to the game with a bunch of guys
00:13:14.200 and we can talk about some real stuff that's bothering us. That's getting to us. And there's
00:13:20.200 going to be an added level of accountability and improvement and wanting to improve and leveling
00:13:24.200 each other up or even just some, some relief from life because there's some banter and you guys are
00:13:31.420 Jack and John giving each other a hard time and joking around and making fun of each other in a,
00:13:36.520 in a, in a meaningful way, like not just to poke at each other, but like to, to build the camaraderie
00:13:41.720 that comes with that. So don't ditch your friends guys. And if you have, then you've got to make
00:13:48.600 some new male friendships, go to church, go, go, go on a hike, you know, go to meetup.com and you
00:13:54.480 can find activities and interests and pursuits, go to a business networking group, invite guys over
00:13:58.620 to fight night, invite them to go golfing. That's a really non-threatening way to do it. You know,
00:14:03.300 maybe you and a buddy want to go golfing and you got two open spots because you want to get the
00:14:06.580 foursome going. And so just invite a couple of guys that maybe you don't know too well.
00:14:11.080 Hey guys, I I've got, you know, 18 holes of golf on Thursday at 11 o'clock. And, uh,
00:14:16.600 we've got two of us. I figured, Hey, maybe you'd be interested in coming along. And that's a very
00:14:20.960 easy way to build male friendships. So don't make it harder than it needs to be. Uh, the next one
00:14:26.700 participate in a physical challenge. Now I told you to train your body and mind, but also what you
00:14:31.060 should be doing is you should be pushing yourself and, or working towards something. So the physical
00:14:36.100 challenge might be, uh, that you want to go do a, uh, a half marathon or a 5k or a full marathon or an
00:14:41.860 Ironman or what Spartan race, whatever you get the point, push yourself, sign up for something.
00:14:49.080 Oh, Ryan, you know, I'm just not ready for it. I didn't say you had to be ready for it.
00:14:53.140 I said that you should participate in it. So let's say there's a Spartan race in your area,
00:14:58.440 uh, in the next two months. Cool. Sign up for it right now. Oh, Ryan, but I'm not ready. Yeah,
00:15:03.320 I know. But by signing up for it, you will be ready, right? You'll, you'll start working out.
00:15:08.220 You'll start training. You'll start running. You'll start getting prepared. You'll start finding
00:15:11.280 other guys who are doing these things. You'll surround yourself with the right people.
00:15:14.680 And in two months time, you're going to be able to run three miles, five miles, 10 miles, 18 miles,
00:15:19.740 26 miles. You'll, you'll be able to do that. You can do it. If you're anything like me, I have to
00:15:27.040 have these deadlines, these things that are coming up in order to continue to propel and push me forward.
00:15:30.840 Because if I don't have something I'm working towards, it's very easy for me to sleep in,
00:15:35.920 to not train, to not work out, to eat everything I can, everything in sight and to not improve
00:15:40.700 myself. So I put targets out there and I know that in two months, I got this thing going on.
00:15:45.020 And in five months, I've got this thing going on in November. I've got a, a pretty rigorous
00:15:49.400 and grueling hunt. I know I'm going to need to be prepared for that. And so I work backwards into
00:15:53.780 what I need to do today. And I put the rock on and a backpack and I go hike and I do trails
00:15:57.640 because I've realized I want to be ready for that thing. So participate in a physical challenge,
00:16:03.240 something that's going to push you and test you. Next, get your financial affairs in order.
00:16:08.120 It just feels good to start paying off debt, to make more money that goes into starting a side
00:16:13.060 business, to knowing where your income is coming from, to know where it's going, to try to save,
00:16:18.240 turn it into a game. Maybe you have a thousand dollars in your bank account, turn it into 10,000.
00:16:22.480 Maybe you have a hundred thousand, turn it into 200,000. You guys get the point. It doesn't matter
00:16:26.120 where you are. You can always improve your financial situation. And by the way, improving your
00:16:31.580 financial situation will help you be more sovereign. Now you have options. Now you have choices. Now
00:16:35.760 you have things you can do. You can invest. You can go on vacations, go on trips, participate in
00:16:39.980 hobbies and activities because you have your financial affairs in order. But if you don't,
00:16:44.460 this is one other thing. And if you stack this on top of going through a separation or a divorce,
00:16:49.540 my financial affairs aren't in order. I'm at 30% body fat. I'm a lazy slob.
00:16:54.380 All this stuff starts to compound. Well, start chipping away at it, guys. Okay. You're 30%
00:17:00.940 body fat. Cool. Get down to 28%. You want to lose 20 pounds? Great. Lose five. Start with five.
00:17:10.040 You have $10,000 worth of debt. Good. See if you can turn that into 9,000. Next month, 7,000. Next
00:17:18.100 month, 5,000. Next month, 2,000. Next month, 1,000. Then the next month it's gone. Again, productivity,
00:17:24.000 you're going to feel good about advancing and moving forward and propelling in spite of your
00:17:27.760 current circumstances. And then the last one, again, this isn't exhaustive, but here's on the
00:17:32.700 last one on the to-do list is get involved in a charity. It's infinitely harder to feel bad for
00:17:39.920 yourself and be consumed with all the crap that's going on around you when you're involved in work
00:17:46.440 that's more important than yourself. Because you're going to see that there's people who are struggling,
00:17:51.860 people who are dealing with medical conditions, people who are dealing with the loss of loved
00:17:58.460 ones, people who, you know, debilitating illnesses and mental issues and a rough life. And it's going
00:18:07.300 to put things into perspective. Yeah. Maybe you're going through a separation, but this person has
00:18:11.420 terminal cancer or this child just lost their mom and dad, or this individual can't make their
00:18:21.520 mortgage and can't even put food on the table. Guys, like it's going to put it in perspective
00:18:27.520 and you're going to feel better. You know, I know there's this big push in modern society,
00:18:32.600 especially in the quote unquote self-help development space about feelings aren't important.
00:18:36.320 No, you know what? Feelings are good. Feelings are good. They're healthy. Even the so-called
00:18:42.700 negative feelings, they're, they're there for a reason, right? If you're feeling down because
00:18:48.440 you're going through a separation right now, I get it. There's nothing wrong with feeling down,
00:18:52.220 of course. And so some people would say, well, you know, just feel better. No, I'm not here to tell
00:18:57.140 you that. I'm not here to lie to you and, and, you know, rub your balls and make you feel better.
00:19:02.720 Like it's okay to feel bad. So what do we do about it? Well, let's take some things into control,
00:19:09.620 right? Let's train our bodies. Let's develop a new skill. Let's learn new hobbies.
00:19:14.840 Let's start a side business, build male friendships, participate in physical challenges,
00:19:18.880 get our financial affairs in order, get involved in a charity. Like it's hard to look at that list
00:19:23.460 and imagine that you're going to be either the same or worse by engaging in that list.
00:19:26.860 Of course, you're going to be better. All right, let's move into the do nots.
00:19:32.720 So we've got the do's and the do nots. If you're going through a separation and or divorce,
00:19:36.700 do not number one, drink your sorrows away. You're going to feel better.
00:19:42.900 You really are. I mean, if you, if you decide to drink and when I say drink,
00:19:46.720 I'm talking about drugs and sedation, right? You're going to sedate yourself.
00:19:50.620 Guys, you're going to feel better. Of course, because you can turn off some of that stuff
00:19:56.360 that's going on right now. So I'm not, I'm not going to lie to you. You're going to feel better
00:19:59.680 for an hour or three hours. And then you're going to wake up from your drink or drug induced coma
00:20:09.520 and you're going to feel shittier. You're not going to feel bad like you did before.
00:20:16.120 You're actually going to feel worse because you're going to have that problem. That's,
00:20:18.380 that's reoccurring. And also now you're going to feel guilty because you took an easy path out.
00:20:24.500 So don't drink it away. Don't sedate it. Feel it. Embrace it. Yeah. I feel horrible. So what am
00:20:31.340 I going to do about it? And this is the problem I think with the self-development space where they
00:20:35.240 say, don't feel your emotions. How would, how would anybody do that? Just subdue them? No.
00:20:45.480 Experience them, feel them, learn from them, analyze them, and then make good choices,
00:20:52.420 but don't sedate yourself. Number two, get lost in pornography.
00:20:57.400 Like we're men, right? We have sexual desires. We have physical needs that need to be met.
00:21:03.400 So you might be tempted because you don't have your woman with you to, to get lost in pornography
00:21:08.200 because you think that that's the most significant thing. And again, it's going to feel good,
00:21:13.520 right? Look, I don't need to get crude with you guys, you know, because all of us, all of us have
00:21:20.680 probably looked at pornography. You know, you know how you feel, you know, it makes you feel
00:21:23.440 good for the next few minutes. It's not lasting. It's fleeting. It's fake. Don't get lost in that
00:21:31.220 stuff. Be vigilant against some of these things I'm telling you, because it's going to be very,
00:21:37.160 very easy to get consumed in these things. No more accountability. She's not around. She's not
00:21:41.680 looking at the computer. She's not looking at your phone. Nobody's here. You're bored, right?
00:21:47.280 There's a lot of things you can do. We've all heard idle hands or the devil's workshop.
00:21:52.620 Well, so how do you get over it? Well, you do the things I told you you should be doing on the to-do
00:21:57.860 list. Number three, do not stalk your wife or your girlfriend or your ex. Don't drive by her house or
00:22:08.080 wherever she's staying. Don't try to log into her emails. I have one person I knew or know years and
00:22:16.580 years ago, knew that his wife was cheating on. And so he had a friend install some sort of tracking
00:22:24.560 program on their family computer. And then he would get a report or a readout every single morning,
00:22:34.780 like a morning briefing. And he would pull it up and he would look at the emails and whatever that app
00:22:39.380 did it, recorded whatever she typed email she sent, all that kind of stuff. And then he would read it
00:22:46.040 and he would see the conversations that his wife was having with this other man.
00:22:53.400 I mean, I know why you'd be tempted to do that, but if you already know what's going on and what's
00:23:04.720 happening, why are you going to subject yourself to that? You already know what's happening. Don't
00:23:12.220 be stalking her. Don't be trying to track her down. Don't try to find out. Don't show up at her office.
00:23:19.700 Don't do this. Don't do that stuff. Because not only is it weird and comes across as a creepy type
00:23:27.880 thing, now you're chasing her. And what do people do or even animals do when you chase them? They run.
00:23:36.580 You want your wife back? You want your girlfriend back? Stop chasing her. She'll stop.
00:23:42.380 But the more you chase her around and you act like this, the less appealing, because you're going to
00:23:50.540 come across as desperate. I've done it. I'm not going to lie. I've driven by an ex-girlfriend's
00:23:56.460 house, tried to find out what my wife, during our separation, what my wife was doing at any given
00:24:01.340 time. I'm trying to be real truthful with you here. It's not something I enjoy talking about.
00:24:06.240 I don't want to talk about that in the context of when I was in my lowest and darkest point of my
00:24:11.120 life. Here's what I did to try to track down my wife. No, I don't. But I'm just telling you,
00:24:16.880 I know from experience, just resist, distract yourself, get involved in the dues. When you're
00:24:22.120 tempted to drive by or tempted to call her or tempted to track her down or tempted to show up
00:24:26.000 at her work or at a party or whatever, like just don't. Well, Ryan, what if she, what if she leave?
00:24:32.700 Like, look, chasing her around, is it going to make her stay? And I'm not saying you shouldn't be
00:24:38.460 engaged. Of course, when my wife and I were through our separation that we had a one-year-old
00:24:42.440 son, I stayed engaged with her to the best of my ability, but I did try to, as difficult as it was,
00:24:48.480 try to disengage so that we could both have the space we needed to figure things out.
00:24:54.240 So don't be, don't be stalking her. It's not, it's not good. It's not a good look. It's not going to
00:24:59.520 help your cause either. Next, this is number four. Do not sleep with a bunch of women.
00:25:08.320 You're not going to feel better because you're going to find loose women,
00:25:13.380 low value women. You're going to consider yourself a low value man. You're going to make mistakes.
00:25:19.000 Maybe you have unwanted pregnancies, STDs, emotional attachment, drama, baggage, the guilt that comes
00:25:25.020 with knowing that you're maybe married and yet you're sleeping with somebody else. There's so much
00:25:30.100 drama, BS, and baggage that goes along with this. I'm not saying don't ever in the history of your
00:25:37.460 life ever sleep with another woman again. I'm saying that if you're going through a separation
00:25:42.280 currently, you're in the midst of a divorce, you're early into a divorce right now, you don't need to
00:25:46.680 be looking for the rebound. You don't need to be having other women spread their legs. You don't need
00:25:51.160 that stuff. You don't just chill. All right. Just don't. There's too much that goes. You are not
00:26:01.800 in the mental and emotional and spiritual place right now to be engaging in sex with another woman
00:26:10.740 right now. You're just not in that. You're not in the right mindset. So yeah, you're horny. And yeah,
00:26:18.720 you think it's going to feel good and you're going to feel wanted and valuable for the 10 minutes or
00:26:24.180 whatever it is. That's it guys. That's it. Because your mental and emotional wellbeing worth
00:26:32.080 15, 20, 30 minutes of feeling good. I hope the answer is no. You're not going to get what you want
00:26:42.400 by doing that. And what you want is to feel valuable, to feel needed, to feel important,
00:26:48.340 to feel significant. That's what you want, right? That's what I would want. That's what I want now.
00:26:52.840 I want that. And sleeping with loose women is not going to provide that for you. Not to mention all
00:26:59.940 the other baggage that comes along with it. The next, do not seek vengeance. And I'm not saying go to
00:27:06.860 the ultimate measure, like, you know, take her life. I'm not suggesting that. Of course, don't do
00:27:12.020 that. All right. I shouldn't have to throw that disclaimer out there, but yes, don't do that.
00:27:17.320 But don't be, don't try to get her. Don't, don't try to get her fired. Don't try to make her life
00:27:24.300 miserable. Don't, don't, don't talk with you guys. If you have kids, don't, don't try to throw her
00:27:31.300 under the bus. Don't just don't do that. You're going to be very tempted to do that. Especially
00:27:36.700 if there's a lot of contention and bitterness and animosity, just don't do it guys. Don't seek
00:27:45.420 vengeance. Don't get her back. Don't try to get her fired. Don't try to undermine the relationship
00:27:52.360 she has with her. Look, even with kids, this is a long-term relationship. You may not be intimate
00:27:57.940 or anymore, but this is a long-term relationship. So don't, don't focus on what I told you to focus
00:28:05.720 on. So you don't focus. You're going to be mad. There might even be hate and hostility and anger
00:28:10.900 and aggression. I get it. I, I, I understand it. In a lot of cases, it might actually be warranted,
00:28:18.600 but the way you act, there's a difference between the way you think and act. And if you're acting those
00:28:23.020 things out, you're not serving her, of course, but you're not even serving yourself. And that's what's
00:28:27.440 important. You're not going to feel better by being a dick. Don't do it. And the last one here,
00:28:36.020 guys. So this is point number six on the do not list. Don't end your life. Don't end your life.
00:28:46.320 I know it's dark. I know you're depressed. I know you're sad. I know you think that your life is
00:28:58.220 over, that it won't get better. You're alone at times. You might feel miserable. That's a permanent
00:29:07.720 fix to a temporary problem. If you're in that position and you're feeling like maybe you should
00:29:17.920 end your life, connect with somebody, shoot me a message. There's suicide hotlines.
00:29:26.460 Hopefully you have friends that you can call. You have people you can be around. Go somewhere.
00:29:35.760 Go to a concert. Go to a restaurant. Go to the movie. Just go around other people. Guys,
00:29:41.100 don't end your life. It's going to get better. It will. I promise you it will. And look, again,
00:29:47.680 as I told you earlier, it might feel like it's not. You might feel like everything is collapsing around
00:29:54.700 you. And frankly, you may never even reconcile with her again to the degree that you want right
00:29:58.900 now. But if you go through what I told you and you avoid the do nots that I just shared with you,
00:30:05.000 you're either going to reconcile or your life's going to get better. You're going to be a great
00:30:09.680 catch for the next woman to come in your life. You know, if I'm 40 years old, if my wife and I
00:30:15.340 separated right now, I would be miserable. It would be a dark, horrible time in my life. It really would.
00:30:24.700 But I know that it would get better because it has before. And I've gone through this
00:30:31.140 and there's millions of other men who have gone through what you're doing. It's not meant to
00:30:35.080 discount what you're going through right now, but it's meant to say that those guys can get through
00:30:38.180 it. So can you. So be strong. Engage in these things in absence of the strength that you feel
00:30:45.720 like you may be lacking right now. It's going to get better. Let me recap. Here's the, let me,
00:30:51.840 let me go through the do not list. And then I'll go through the do list. Do not drink your sorrow
00:30:56.420 away. Don't sedate yourself with drugs or alcohol. Do not get lost in pornography. Do not stalk your
00:31:03.700 wife or your girlfriend or your ex. Don't sleep with a bunch of women. Do not seek vengeance and
00:31:11.200 ultimately do not end your life. Here's what you should do instead. Number one, train your body.
00:31:17.380 These are daily, by the way. These things should be done daily. Number two, learn a new skill. Number
00:31:25.440 three, develop a new hobby. Number four, start a side business. Five, build new male friendships
00:31:31.460 and also solidify existing friendships that you have. Number six, participate in a physical challenge
00:31:38.880 that's going to push you. Number seven, get your financial affairs in order. And number eight,
00:31:43.480 get involved in a charity. You can do it guys. I have faith in you. Again, I know it's hard.
00:31:49.780 I know it's dark. I know you're desperate. That's not an indictment upon you or your weakness or your
00:31:56.220 strength or whatever. It's just, it is what it is. And I've been there, but you're going to get through
00:32:01.240 it. Reach out to me, reach out to a hotline, connect with other men, join our Facebook groups,
00:32:07.380 join the iron council. By the way, the iron council is a great place. We have a lot of men in there
00:32:11.620 who have gone through divorces, who've gone through separations, who are in the midst of it right now.
00:32:17.600 And if you don't have people around you, you can immediately tap into a band of brothers who have
00:32:22.740 your back. And you're going to do two things when you join the iron council. You're not going to come
00:32:27.440 in there and just complain to everybody about how horrible your life is. That's not what the iron
00:32:31.780 council is about. So a bunch of guys who will say, right, I'm in this horrible spot. Should I join the
00:32:36.340 iron council? I don't know. What are you willing to give? Well, I don't know. I'm just in this
00:32:40.060 horrible spot. Look, I get it. And so you can certainly extract value from the iron council,
00:32:44.600 but those who come in with the attitude of giving and adding value are served infinitely better than
00:32:50.800 those who just want to extract. So if you decide you want to join and band with us, you're going to
00:32:55.700 be expected to contribute, even though you might be in a dark and desperate time. So that's another
00:33:01.600 option for you. Orderofman.com slash iron council. But guys, there's a lot of things you can do. I think
00:33:05.740 I laid it out pretty good for you here. Do it and reach out to people if you need help. Okay.
00:33:12.280 All right, guys. That's all I've got for today. We'll be back next week. Until then, go out there,
00:33:19.000 take action, become the man you are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast.
00:33:25.060 You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.
00:33:28.740 We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.
00:33:35.740 You're ready to join the order of man podcast.