The Father Wound That Shapes Every Man ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES
Episode Stats
Harmful content
Misogyny
1
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Toxicity
2
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Summary
A father is supposed to do something specific for his son. He s supposed to look at you and tell you in words, or maybe even in the way he treats you, that you do have what it takes to be a man. That he sees a man in his son, and he s calling him out or calling him up. That s the blessing that every boy is wired to need from the man who made him. A father is the one whose approval you re still chasing at 40 years old, even if he s been passed away for 10 years or longer. It s the one who taught you what a man was supposed to be by being potentially the opposite of it.
Transcript
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A father is supposed to do something specific for his son.
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He's supposed to look at you and tell you in words,
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That's the thing that every boy is wired to need
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I want to talk about something today that I believe most men will probably very likely
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carry to their grave without ever saying a word about it, and that is their father.
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Obviously, we're on the back of Father's Day last weekend, and I thought it'd be good to
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talk about this today, and I'm not talking about just the good version of your dad or
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your father, not the one who raised his glass and did a toast at the wedding, but the real
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one the one who who wasn't there or or was there but actually wasn't quite there if that makes
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sense maybe it's the one whose approval that you're still chasing at 40 years old even if he's
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been passed away for for 10 years or longer it's the one who taught you what a man was supposed to
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be by being by being potentially the opposite of it the negative version of what it means to be a
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man and i'm talking about today this this father wound that so many men carry around and before you
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press pause or click on a different podcast because that sounds like it's soft this idea
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of the father wound or that it sounds like therapy talk or it sounds like the kind of thing that
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maybe you've made fun of in the past. I want you to stay with me because my eyes have been
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open to this concept and idea even just over the past several years and more specifically
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over the past several months because this is probably one of the least soft things that
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I'll ever talk about on the show. When you start to address pain and discomfort and suffering
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and you address it head on that's not softness that's courage this is the wound that emotionally
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i believe is under a lot of other wounds that we deal with and it manifests itself in very destructive
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self-inflicting damaging ways and and the men who refuse to look at it are guys who spend their
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whole lives just bleeding out from a cut that they won't even admit they have. And I want to
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start with my story here. It's the real one. It's that my dad was primarily out of the picture by
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the time I was three. My dad's a good man. People loved him. I would see him interact with
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people that he worked with and clients. And he was so full of life and energy and enthusiasm.
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and I lit up when I saw him and I lit up when I got to spend time with him but I realized
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you know only spending a week or two with my dad during the summer wasn't enough
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and when I wasn't with him I would become destructive and I would become negative and
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I would become toxic and I am and I remember my mom telling me that she knew that I needed to see
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my dad because she saw this this fire in my eye or this this energy or I started to get negative
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and destructive I mean it's it's not only is it anecdotal it's proven that men need good strong
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present fathers in their in their lives and I didn't have that unfortunately I think he had a
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desire to have that we had as I said a fairly decent relationship all things considered but
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in looking back at it now at 45 years old, you know, I missed a lot of opportunity to have
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somebody who could have been there, who could have taught me things, who could have said,
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I love you, who could have said you're enough, or here's how to be better, or here's a new skill
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you could learn. I didn't have that, unfortunately. And just like many men listening to this podcast,
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you may not have had that either and you might feel like it's okay look how look how well you've
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done in spite of it you know i can look at my life and and and point to the four incredible
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children i have i can point to this movement that i have uh the millions of men that we've served
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and worked with across the country and across the planet at this point and think well i turned out
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fine that's how most people say it you know they'll say for example well my mom raised me and
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now look how I turned out. Or they'll believe that just because I talk about an absent father,
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that somehow that's an indictment against a single mother who might've raised you. It's not.
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My mom did the best that she possibly could. I don't think there would have been a better example
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alive that could have done as good a job as her. And yet it was still lacking, not as an indictment
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against her, but as an indictment against the reality that young boys and young girls need both
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a mother and a father. And so as a kid, I felt that absence. I would watch my high school buddies
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go camping with their dads or go hunting with their dads or play catch in the yard with the
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picket fence. And I'm not sure that happened, but maybe I painted a different picture than reality.
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We have a tendency of doing that, but I know for certain there was an absence in my life.
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and it wasn't until i became a grown man that i realized man maybe that fatherhood wound is
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stirring up something inside of me maybe it's grabbing the wheel and directing a large part
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of my life that i didn't know it was driving and i tell you that because my story isn't isn't special
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it's common that's the part that i think we need to realize that what i just described
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some version of it is probably sitting in you or at least in the chest of almost every man
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listening right now we just don't compare notes right that's part of the catalyst for this
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movement is that i started talking about the issues that i struggled with as a young man and
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i realized well that guy has the same problem that guy was dealing with that and that guy went
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through a bankruptcy and that guy went through a divorce and that guy went through this and that
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guy's dad wasn't around and that guy and fill in the blank and everybody's all men are dealing with
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about 10 of the same issues but we never talk about them maybe we're too ashamed to do it maybe
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we're too guilty maybe we take on something that isn't ours to hold or maybe we're just embarrassed
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but i want to be really clear about what i mean because this idea of the the father wound it gets
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thrown around so loosely it's not just my dad was bad or he was a bad dad or wasn't available
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i mean plenty of guys have had fathers who never raised their hand to them never left
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never abandoned them never drank but they still left a hole because that wound that i'm talking
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about isn't about what the father did it's about what he failed to transfer to communicate
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to share a father is supposed to do something specific for a son he's supposed to look at you
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and tell you in words or maybe even in the way he treats you if the words don't always land that you
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do have what it takes that you're going to be all right that that he the father sees a man in his
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son and he's calling him out or calling him up and that's the blessing that's the thing that
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every boy is wired to need from the the man who made him and when it doesn't come or when he's
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gone or when he's checked out or potentially so critical over his son that nothing you ever do
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is good enough or conversely you're so passive that he never calls you up into anything that
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boy can't just shrug that off he he comes to a conclusion he comes to a determination and that
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determination is that he doesn't have what it takes. He decides that somewhere, maybe even too
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deep to put into words, that if my own dad didn't think I was worth showing up for, then something
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must be wrong with me. And again, it's probably not vocalized, but I think it's internalized
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in many if not the overwhelming majority of men and then he spends 20 30 40 50 years trying to
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disprove it that he does have what it takes and then he's clamoring for the attention and the
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approval of a man who isn't going to give it is incapable of giving it or maybe not even around
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to give it or or the alternative that a man might do when he grows older is not that he's trying to
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disprove it that he's trying to numb it out and here's why this is really important even if you
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think that you've made peace with it as as i have and it's coming to light over work and self-reflection
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and conversations and learning that i haven't totally made peace with it because that father
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wound that we're talking about it does not stay in the past it runs today it runs your present
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and it does it covertly it does it in disguise it's very deceptive look you'll recognize some
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of these maybe you feel like the man who when he's done enough or he's hit every goal he feels
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nothing right like maybe you get a promotion or you start a business or you hit a certain income
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or you start to grow your family or one of your kids goes to college or gets a scholarship or
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moves on to the next level of his athletic performance and then you feel nothing because
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the approval that that man or you potentially is actually chasing belongs to a guy who can't
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give it to you it's locked away in his chest here's another one it's the guy with just rage
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anger and rage that is way too big for the situation he's dealing with right now
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it's it's inappropriate it's just it's just crashing out as my kids would say
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you know somebody cuts him off in traffic and he's just like ready to end somebody's life
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it's not about traffic that's not about getting cut off on the road that's a pressure that has
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been building inside of you maybe since you were nine years old or or it's the guy who can't let
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his wife in ask yourself if this is you you're not gonna let your wife in you can't give her
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access to all of you you can't let your kids get close to you close sure in proximity but
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emotionally no we're gonna keep everybody at arm's length because the first man who was supposed to
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love you taught you that the people closest to you are the ones who leave and they leave you
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hurting or it's the guy who drinks it down you know just and i did this and i've been very vocal
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about this you know we drink it all down or maybe you try to scroll it all away or you're watching
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porn or numbing out in some other addiction always numbing always checking out always tuning out
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always trying to escape whatever you're feeling and it's the man and this is the one that should
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really scare you maybe it's the guy who swore that he'd never be like his dad like i'm never
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gonna be like that guy and then you become him anyway because the wound that you won't look at
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and you're not willing to figure out how to heal it gets handed down and and it gets passed to you
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and then you pass it to your kids the very thing that you swore you'd protect them from
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And that's the cost, guys, of leaving it in the dark.
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And then your sons do it and your daughters do it
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and now now here's where i want to turn this around a little bit because i i know you guys
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i've been doing this for 11 years and i know that some of you might already be getting
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uncomfortable with what i'm talking about not because it's too sad we can deal with that
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because it sounds like maybe i'm building an excuse that all of your life's problems and
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all of the reasons you aren't the dad you're supposed to be is not because of you but because
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of your dad. Like I'm going to tell you that your father is why your life is the way it is. So you
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can just go ahead and blame him, wash your hands and then keep living your life. No, I want you to
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hear me really clearly. Understanding the wounds and the hurt and the pain and the suffering from
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your life is not the same as giving into it. It's not the same as living it. I mean, there's a whole
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industry out there that wants to keep you in the wound. And the medical community at this point is
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not in the business of healthcare. It's in the business of pharmaceutical sales. Well, in order
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to sell you pharmaceuticals, you have to be sick or injured. And that's the incentive structure.
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So there's this whole industry that wants you wounded, that wants you identifying as that
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wounded kid that scared little boy for the rest of your life telling the story at every retreat
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you know getting the sympathy never actually having to carry anything because of how much
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you've suffered over your life and just making you a weak victim and that's a trap guys
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it's an uncomfortable one and i i don't want any part of that for myself
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and trust. I don't want any part of that for you. The truth about what I'm talking about today of
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this father wound that we're addressing is the starting line. It's the truth of growth. It's
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rock bottom, if you will. It's not somewhere we're going to go cower and hide. You have to get to
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know it. You have to grieve it. And I don't want to sit around and wallow. I don't want to grieve
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things. I don't want to cry. I don't want to suffer. And so what do I do? I stuff it. I bury
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it. I numb it. And I never address it. And then my kids get to take the baggage that I should have
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carried decades earlier. Most men have never actually grieved it. They've just buried it.
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And that's the difference. But then you have to do the thing that he didn't do.
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you have to become the father in a way and I call it becoming your own father this is this is where
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it it really starts to resonate this is the entire point I cannot tell you how many times I hear from
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guys who are like I didn't have a dad around he didn't teach me how to do this and this and this
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and although I feel for it at the same time I'm like great you're a man now and you've got the
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money and the time and the energy and the resources and the desires so do all the things that he
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should have done for you you can do that now because you're a man and there there's a there's
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a point in time where in a man's life he has to just stop waiting stop waiting for an apology
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that is not coming I remember my dad used to call me actually he didn't really call me all that often
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on birthdays and special days it usually was like three or four or five days later and he would call
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me and he would say, happy birthday. You know, I'm sorry. I forgot about your birthday, but I have
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a gift in the mail and the gift would never come. And it wasn't about the gift. It was just about
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acknowledgement, feeling important. I never got that. And I remember one day is probably 19,
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20 years old, somewhere in there. He called me up maybe three or four days after my birthday.
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And he said, Hey, you know, I love you, buddy. Hope you're having a good day. I know I was late
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for your birthday, but I've been busy and something's coming in the mail for you. And I
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said hey dad you don't have to say that anymore he's like what do you mean something's coming
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I'm like no nothing's coming I don't know why you say that but you don't have to say that anymore
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and he did say yeah nothing's coming I didn't get anything I forgot and there was an excuse
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or a thing in there and so you know I knew that it wasn't like I was waiting for it to come but
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it was a pretty cathartic moment for me because then I stopped waiting for it to come I stopped
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having an expectation of him that i knew was faulty and again i don't think he's a bad person
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i love my father he just wasn't great at that and partly because of the way i'm sure that
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his father was to him he didn't do what he needed to do and at times i haven't done what i've needed
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to do to stop that curse so to speak but when you start facing reality that's where you start
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growing. You start, stop waiting for, for, for the old man to finally see you. And then you can
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become the father that you needed him to be. You know, some of you guys, and I've done this and
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I've been here are just waiting on a dad who's not capable of doing it. I know it sucks. I know
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it's shitty. I know it's unfair. I know it's not good. I know other people have it. It's just not
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happening. He's not capable of it. Some of you are waiting for approval and an apology on a man
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who's buried and dead and in the ground. And I don't mean to be crude or crass about it, but he's
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gone. And then that waiting is, it's like a prison. The day that you become a man, really become a man
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is the day that you decide to give yourself what he couldn't or wouldn't give you. You become your
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own father in a way. You can look at the boy still inside you, the one who decided or drew the
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conclusion that he wasn't enough. And you tell him the thing that never came from the man who
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should have given it to you. That you do have what it takes. That life is going to be all right.
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That you see a man in there and you're going to call him out and you're going to call him up.
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And you're going to do the things that you know a man needs to do. And you say it with your actions.
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You get up out of bed and you don't hit snooze. You go work out. You go ask that woman on a date.
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you go secure a promotion you go start a business you go do something exciting
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you get up you keep your word to yourself you build discipline and steadiness
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that a dad is supposed to model for you and then you model it for yourself yeah late sure
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absolutely decades potentially late and it's gonna be hard because now you've got four decades
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potentially or more of hard-headedness of of stubbornness of baggage that you're carrying
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around but you got to do it on your own it's the only way you got to do it on your own not by
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yourself i'm not saying that but on your own and here's the gift that you will give yourself when
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you do this the guy the man you who fathers yourself becomes able to father everyone around
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him. Your kids get the dad that you didn't have. Not because you read a book or listened to a
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podcast, but because you went down and into your heart, into your soul, and you dealt with what
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was down there. So you'd stop handing it over to them. Your sons and your daughters, they get a
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beautiful blessing because you did work they get a they get a father who's present instead of just
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numbing himself and the the chain that potentially ran through your family for generations through
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your father and his and his and his and his it stops with you because you are the man bold enough
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brave enough courageous enough to turn around and finally face the demons the hardship it's
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not blaming your father you can still think he's a good man and know that he didn't give you
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everything you needed as a boy it's surpassing him not out of spite or vengeance or getting back
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or trying to prove that you're better than him but just because a natural tendency or result of
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you doing the work that's the most masculine thing a man can do to take the things that he
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suffered from the father wound and others that were handed to you you didn't ask for that you
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didn't volunteer for that you didn't have a choice there wasn't some decision that you made
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that handed you that hand but you can refuse to pass it on
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you can you can break it across your own back and your own hands so your kids never have to carry
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and i'll leave you with this today your father i believe this your father did the best that he
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could with what he had and that does not let him off the hook especially when it comes to
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abuse or violence or other things like that it does not let him off the hook
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but what he had might not have been enough for you and that's okay we could admit that thing
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both of the both of those things are true at the same time that he might have been a good man
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and that he might have done the best he could and that you don't have to accept it
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so we're not going to let anybody off the hook you can forgive your father you should forgive
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your father you may need to you probably do for your own sake more than more than for his
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but that forgiveness isn't the end either you know a lot of people talk about why you should
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forgive others for your own benefit sure you should but that doesn't mean it's done
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the finish line is more like you becoming the man that he wasn't for the people who are still
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counting on you while you're around while you're breathing you give to them what was never given
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to you that hole in your heart guys is real it has been for me it's still there and i'm not going
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insult you by pretending that you can fill it overnight that you can just will it into existence
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that you can just be better that you can just bear down or get tough or whatever we say
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or or that this one podcast will do it for you but i'll tell you what i do know to be real what
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i do know to be true that the hole in your heart is not it's not your destiny it it's it's an
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assignment more than a destiny like go be the father to your kids and even to the boy inside
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you who's still waiting to hear that you're enough and that you have what it takes guys those are my
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field notes for today coming on the back of fatherhood or father's day rather um yeah i've
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had to do a lot of self-reflection uh on this subject for myself uh for my kids for you guys
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because i hear this time and time again and i'm coming to some realizations that it's a uh it's
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a heavy burden to bear but once we start to address and acknowledge it we can start doing
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something about it now i did tell you that you have to do this on your own not alone but on your
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own meaning it's your responsibility to take on the work but you don't have to be isolated when
00:24:47.820
you do it if you want to work with other men who are dealing with the father wound and other
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struggles whether it's addiction or overcoming divorce um or just ready to level up you know
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so many guys that I talk with are, are just floating. They're just, they're not doing
00:25:05.180
anything great. They know they're capable of so much more and they're not living into it.
00:25:10.180
And if that's you, if you're feeling that way, join us in the Iron Council. We're going to be
00:25:14.380
closing up the Iron Council for a little bit in July, the end of July. So that gives us about 30
00:25:20.060
days or a little longer, but about 30 days or so. And then we're going to shut it down for a little
00:25:25.120
while because we're doing some tweaking and adjusting and aligning. And I'm very excited
00:25:28.740
about the next iteration, but I don't want you to be lost. And I don't want you to feel like you
00:25:33.100
have to do this isolated. So join us, go to order a man.com slash iron council, learn a little bit
00:25:38.820
more about what we do and help, help yourself. Your dad's not going to do it. Other people aren't
00:25:46.240
going to do it. Your wife's not going to, it's not even their responsibility. It's yours. And we'll
1.00
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walk with you through the fire, the refiner's fire. We'll walk with you in it. All right, guys,
00:25:56.980
a great interview coming up next week make sure you subscribe whether you listen to this on
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00:26:09.780
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00:26:14.340
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00:26:22.700
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00:26:27.820
out of content to help you become a better man. All right, guys, we'll be back next week. Have a
00:26:31.980
great weekend. Until then, go out there, take action, become a man you are meant to be.
00:26:37.100
Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your
00:26:41.380
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