Order of Man - The Imposter Syndrome, Narcissistic Relationships, Climbing the Corporate Ladder ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart

00:00:04.980 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.480 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.220 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.780 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, welcome to another episode of the

00:00:28.080 Ask Me Anything as part of the Order Man podcast. I am Kip Sorensen. I'm typically the co-host with

00:00:35.840 Mr. Mickler on these Wednesday episodes. Unfortunately, I'll have to run solo today

00:00:41.880 as Mr. Mickler is unable to join me. But we'll have a great conversation. We have some amazing

00:00:49.340 questions from the Facebook group, and we'll be able to dive into it and have some discussion

00:00:55.740 around kind of what guys are dealing with. The questions that I'll be fielding today is from

00:01:00.340 our Facebook group. You can join us there at facebook.com slash group slash order of man,

00:01:06.080 as well as you can learn more about our exclusive brotherhood, the Iron Council by going to order

00:01:12.380 of man.com slash iron council. Let's jump into it. These are good questions. All right. Brian Hayes,

00:01:19.000 what are your thoughts on overcoming the imposter syndrome? So first, I wanted to make sure I was

00:01:27.840 clear on the imposter syndrome. So I actually pulled up the definition and, and, uh, if you guys don't

00:01:34.180 mind, I'm going to go ahead and share that because I think it might be valuable as a good baseline.

00:01:38.400 So the imposter syndrome, uh, is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their skills,

00:01:45.740 talents, talents, accomplishments, and has a persistent internalization, uh, or an internalized

00:01:53.300 fear of being exposed as a fraud. So let's work through that one more time. Psychological pattern,

00:02:00.600 an individual doubts, their skills, talents, and accomplishments, and continually, uh, and

00:02:06.400 continued internalization, uh, around the fear of being exposed. So how do we deal with that?

00:02:13.580 And, and, and it's funny because like at first glance, I was like, Oh, imposter syndrome,

00:02:18.640 that's difficult. And then we break it down, right? And we break it down, uh, based upon

00:02:24.800 its definition. And how do we stop doubting our skills, talents, and accomplishments thought

00:02:33.300 process, right? And well, let's back up and what's, what's jumped back to the fraud. How do

00:02:40.400 you not be a fraud, be authentic, right? And you know, not everything relates to jujitsu,

00:02:46.680 even though you might think I believe that, but let's just use jujitsu or learning a new

00:02:51.740 talent as an example, or better yet. If I decide to, I don't know, do karate, for instance,

00:02:58.740 if I go in there being more concerned about the way I look and avoiding looking bad versus

00:03:08.080 my focus being around learning, then I'm going to constantly not be learning. I'm going to

00:03:15.800 constantly avoid certain circumstances to ensure that I don't look like a fraud, that 1.00

00:03:20.440 I don't look like, uh, an idiot of some sort. But if I'm willing to let that go and say, 0.99

00:03:26.640 guess what? I don't know karate. This is something that's not in my wheelhouse. I'm completely green

00:03:31.940 about it. Then it puts me in the mind space of learning to be, there's nothing to be, uh, found

00:03:41.500 out about. There's nothing for me to be a fraud about because I'm openly communicating. I have no

00:03:47.060 idea what I'm doing. And, and it frees yourself of the social pressures and the judgments of everyone

00:03:57.420 else to just be open to learning. So first, I think we need to make sure that we were not being

00:04:04.240 a fraud. Don't be a fraud. Don't pretend to be amazing at something that you're not amazing about.

00:04:11.660 And, and ironically, by the way, everyone knows that you're not amazing at it. So stop it because

00:04:17.140 the only person you're fooling is probably yourself, right? So own the fact that you're not

00:04:22.600 amazing in a particular area. So then that way you're now in a position to learn. So for, for us,

00:04:28.620 for those of us that are overly concerned about looking good and avoiding looking bad, let that go

00:04:34.680 and be authentic about where you're standing is. So then you can be open for growth.

00:04:41.580 All right. Now, how do we get past the, the second guessing of our accomplishments?

00:04:48.300 That's our, our thought process. And, and part of it is, I think that imposter syndrome,

00:04:54.980 a lot of that will come from us not realizing or that we're actually not good at it. And we may

00:05:03.380 have been telling ourselves a story that, oh, we're so amazing or whatever, but reality, like we honestly,

00:05:09.220 truly don't believe that. So I think there's an evidence or a level of that, that that's part of the

00:05:16.540 conversation. I think the other aspect of it is see, see it for what it is. Remove the story,

00:05:23.420 right? What did you accomplish and what did you not accomplish? And, and necessarily it's good for

00:05:30.640 you to see the good and the bad, right? For me, it was difficult for me to do that marathon. That was

00:05:36.240 a difficult thing. I feel accomplished about it. Now, could I have done better? Could I have trained

00:05:42.420 harder? Could I have done, you know, am I an amazing quote unquote marathon? No, I'm not,

00:05:47.360 but it was still an accomplishment based upon where I was and where I am today. And so I think

00:05:53.580 as long as we're progressing and we feel that we are in integrity about our growth and what we're

00:06:00.580 accomplishing, we can have those moments of looking back a little bit, seeing where we came from,

00:06:07.580 celebrating the wins and the accomplishments that we have, and then continually moving forward.

00:06:12.420 I think if we focus on that, um, that's how we move past those thoughts. Um, but I, I actually

00:06:21.740 would probably suggest that most of us that are concerned about imposter syndrome, uh, it's because

00:06:27.180 we feel like we're imposters because maybe we, maybe we are right. And we need to let go of the ego

00:06:34.840 and accept the fact that, uh, there's some growth there. And, and when that's not the case and we

00:06:40.420 actually do belong, or we are succeeding, then I think that's a lack of us looking back at our past

00:06:47.080 and celebrating the wins a little bit and realizing where we've come from and what we've accomplished.

00:06:52.020 And, and there's a little bit of comparison happening there too, I think where, you know,

00:06:58.020 I might be hesitant to celebrate my wins because I think that, well, that win Ryan wouldn't think

00:07:04.060 that's amazing or he's doing so much better or, or someone else. And then I downplay my own

00:07:10.340 accomplishment. Don't do that. Don't compare, right? Realize where you've come from, celebrate

00:07:16.060 the success, but don't hang out in the, in the celebration of it all. Like accept it, have some

00:07:21.060 reflection and then get back on the path of growth. And, and I think that's how we deal with

00:07:25.280 that appropriately. Hopefully that helps Brian. All right. Carl Weber, what are some good options for

00:07:31.740 reading up on working through narcissistic relationships? It's an, and I didn't understand

00:07:37.960 Carl on my, my apologies. I didn't understand the second part of this question, but I'll read it

00:07:42.320 anyway. Uh, it is an unavoidable one in a whole, but can be parsed out into limited interactions.

00:07:49.400 Uh, maybe that's maybe suggested strategies of how do we deal with, uh, that type of relationship. So

00:07:55.960 I don't know. I'm not a kick, man. I want to pull up Webster again, right? What is the definition

00:08:01.340 of a narcissistic relationship? It is. So partners usually have a difficult, uh, narcissistic

00:08:08.580 partners usually have difficulty really loving someone else because they don't truly love

00:08:13.880 themselves. They are so focused on themselves that they cannot really see their partner as

00:08:19.060 a separate person. They tend to only see the partner in terms of how they will fill their

00:08:24.660 needs. Okay. So how do we deal with that? Right. Or good options for dealing with it. So the first

00:08:33.940 thing is, um, I think it's, you need to get in the proper mindset that are you in the relationship

00:08:43.560 with that person because you choose to be, or because you think you can change them. So if,

00:08:50.780 if Brian, let's say in your example, not, not Brian, Carl, you're in this relationship with a

00:08:55.980 narcissistic partner, um, and you're sticking it out because they can change, that's not going to go

00:09:04.520 well. So, um, a distinction that I've was shared years ago, and I use it from time to time is

00:09:15.860 the difference of choosing someone or choosing to love one without reason. So, uh, let me give you

00:09:26.300 an example. And this is, I don't know, maybe this isn't the best example, but I'll try.

00:09:31.820 So you can say, Kip, why do you, let me choose someone that I, I, I might kind of stuck with and

00:09:38.780 not, that sounds bad, not stuck with as in like, I hate them or anything, but you know, they're my

00:09:43.900 parent. Okay. Your parents, your parent, you can't change them. Right. So someone may ask me,

00:09:49.620 Kip, why do you love your, why do you love your dad? And I could have some reasons, right? Um, he

00:09:56.980 is a hard worker. Um, he provided for me and my family. Um, he has really great dry humor.

00:10:05.640 You know, I could run off with a bunch of things. And then if that's my reason for loving him,

00:10:11.220 what if he doesn't do those things anymore? As he gets older, what if his humor goes away?

00:10:18.380 Uh, what if, because of his, uh, deteriorating physical health, he can't work. He's not a 0.82

00:10:24.800 hard worker anymore. Like then why do I love him? Because I choose to

00:10:32.220 period. Make choice. The reason why do you love your spouse? Because I choose to love her

00:10:43.700 the way she is. So Carl, my suggestion to you is there's far more power in coming to a relationship

00:10:53.720 and saying that you're choosing to love someone because you choose to love them.

00:10:57.640 Be careful not to base your love on a condition of them changing. I think that could be very

00:11:05.180 dangerous. Now, this is someone that you have, you're married to and you're committed to and you

00:11:11.440 have kids. I'm not going to even go down that path of all those scenarios. Cause I don't, I don't know

00:11:15.720 the specific details, but try to choose someone and have choice be the reason not, you know,

00:11:25.500 well, they're loving or whatever. Cause then when they have a bad day, then what you don't love

00:11:29.620 them anymore. Right. So make it, make it about choice. Now, how do we deal with this specifically?

00:11:35.260 So the key thing is in the definition, a narcissistic individual doesn't love themselves.

00:11:42.540 Right. And so the world surrounds them. So I would focus once again, this is like, I don't know why I

00:11:49.560 have to keep saying this. Cause I'm just so paranoid, right. That we get into this, this pitfall of

00:11:53.780 like changing people. It doesn't work. You're not going to change someone right now. Can we provide

00:11:59.100 some guidance and direction and everything for sure, but don't go down this path of trying to

00:12:05.440 change the one. So first off, be a great example, be a great example of someone who loves themselves.

00:12:10.900 Someone that is, uh, provides grace to other individuals that is caring and serves, right?

00:12:17.180 That is our number one way to provide guidance and direction to other individuals is by being a

00:12:23.100 great example. So look for, how do you, uh, become the ideal example of a non-narcissistic individual.

00:12:33.400 Second, I would focus on how do we get that individual or how do we help that individual see

00:12:39.960 why they should love themselves more than they do and how amazing they are. And so you might need to

00:12:48.980 adjust your love language a little bit, make sure that you're expressing love in an appropriate

00:12:53.480 manner where that person feels loved and supported, uh, because we all see love differently. So maybe

00:12:59.480 even having the conversation of what does love look like? What does the ideal husband, how, how,

00:13:06.380 what does the ideal husband do for you to feel loved? What would that look like? Right? Well,

00:13:11.440 have those conversations adjust a little bit on your side, uh, and then let it be. And I would try to

00:13:18.020 really remove the judgment and the harshness of them, not being the way you want them to be,

00:13:24.520 because I think that will be more damaging than not. So have some grace and also realize that not

00:13:30.540 everything's permanent in life. And so realize that there's growth and we all have our times and our

00:13:38.380 seasons, uh, and we should have be affording grace to everybody for that matter. Certainly those that

00:13:46.180 we're in relationship with. So Carl, hopefully that helps Daniel price. After listening to your podcast

00:13:53.420 from the other week, I decided it's time to get over my fear and get armed with my wife, uh, armed. 0.54

00:14:05.120 Okay. Armed with my wife. When I brought up teaching our oldest son, 12, that is 12, how to shoot.

00:14:11.740 She disagreed and said, kids should start with BB guns. Who is right? No one is right.

00:14:18.960 Maybe she's right. Maybe you're right. Doesn't matter who's right per se, right? She might have

00:14:25.880 some valid concerns, you know, does base upon your 12 year old, all 12 year olds, aren't the same,

00:14:33.540 right? So based upon your 12 year old, should he have a BB gun first before he's shooting something

00:14:37.940 else? I don't know. Right now, if he's, he's obviously he or she oldest son, he's obviously

00:14:44.980 not shooting a BB gun. I don't think so. So maybe that's a natural, great way to start. 0.97

00:14:51.440 You know what I mean? Just to expose, uh, and maybe have some, you know, muscle control time

00:14:57.880 on a weapon. That's not going to, you know, cause some damage. Um, so I, I don't know if there's a

00:15:04.000 right or wrong. Uh, some 12 year olds are ready, uh, for a bigger gun, uh, and, and some aren't.

00:15:10.000 So I think it really depends on your 12 year old more than anything else, regardless, uh, whether

00:15:15.780 you get him a BB gun or not, I would suggest that you do have him shoot, uh, an actual like caliber

00:15:23.320 weapon. Um, it might scare him and that's okay. He should be scared. I remember the first time that 0.93

00:15:30.280 I had the boys, my boys shoot my, my 40 caliber handgun. They shot one round and they're like,

00:15:36.300 yeah, I'm good. Like I'm okay. I know we're dad. And the, and the reason why is it kind of scared

00:15:41.560 him a little bit. They, they need to understand, uh, the danger of the weapon, right? Remove that,

00:15:48.100 uh, that curiosity that they might have around those guns. And one of the ways that we can do that is

00:15:53.200 at least have him shoot. But maybe the majority of that shooting is with a BB gun initially, 0.96

00:15:58.440 right. To see if he's responsible enough to have, to have a gun or to handle another gun,

00:16:03.840 see how he does go out in the range, grab a, some cans, shoot him, uh, show him, uh, hunter safety 0.71

00:16:11.600 or, you know, gun control, whatever muscle control and see how he does. And if he proves himself, 0.94

00:16:16.780 maybe it's a great transition to another caliber, you know, 22 or something else. So I wouldn't say

00:16:22.000 she's right. You're wrong or vice versa. Who knows? It really depends on your kid and, and whether he's

00:16:27.980 shooting a gun or a BB gun, it's probably good, right? So I would take what you can get and, um,

00:16:34.580 start the path, whether it's a BB gun or, or a rifle for that matter. So, all right, next question,

00:16:41.280 uh, Bill McNay, how do you remain objective at your place of business after you identify that

00:16:47.540 they are building a virtual signaling culture? All right, this is good. Um, so Bill, I, I think it,

00:16:56.740 it, it, it, my answer would be different depending on your role within the organization,

00:17:03.300 right? If, if you're on the executive team and you realize that the executive team is,

00:17:09.620 is leaning in the, in the direction of building that type of culture, you're probably in a position

00:17:15.400 to have that conversation about the drawbacks of that. And should what we do as an organization

00:17:22.720 be more about how it's presented than actually what we are doing, right? Like virtual signaling

00:17:31.360 has a tendency to, to lack integrity. Maybe I think is like, Oh, we're doing this on purpose.

00:17:36.080 So, uh, you know, it's almost like a marketing campaign versus, Hey, we do work honorably,

00:17:40.740 or we care about, I don't know, social issues because we care. And because we choose to those ring

00:17:47.960 true differently, right? And one could promote a positive culture and the other one could promote

00:17:52.360 kind of a smoke and mirrors, lack of integrity culture. And so if you're in a position from an

00:17:58.120 executive side, I think you can have that conversation about the drawbacks of promoting

00:18:03.960 such a culture. Now, if you're not in that position, you could probably perhaps depending on

00:18:12.900 where you are in the chain of command, bring that up to your boss as you know, what concerns you have

00:18:19.320 around it. Um, one thing's for sure though, Bill, I, it's really interesting. You, we all have heard

00:18:26.860 that term virtual signaling, and we immediately have like these preconceived assumptions of what that

00:18:33.920 means. I would get really clear in your own mind. If I were going to talk to my boss, if I was going to

00:18:41.080 bring something up to the executive team about the dangers or the drawbacks of virtual signaling,

00:18:48.740 I'd get seriously educated in regards to, are those assumptions accurate? Is it really negative?

00:18:58.880 What are the drawbacks? Like become an expert on virtual signaling and, and for yourself identify

00:19:05.240 really why it's negative. Just don't go off of, you know, media that we hear on the,

00:19:10.740 on the, on social media or news or whatever about all this virtual signaling, this virtual signaling,

00:19:16.360 that's almost like a label now. Right. So get clear in your own mind. Like, what does that really

00:19:20.400 mean to virtual signal? What are the drawbacks to a culture? What could it possibly promote as well

00:19:25.240 as what are the possible benefits, right? Could it help our company recruit better employees if they

00:19:30.060 think that we're, you know, that we're virtuous as an organization? Yeah, possibly could it come

00:19:37.740 across the negative as well. Like just really get real and clear on it and get very logical. So you

00:19:44.660 can have that conversation with the appropriate individuals. Now, if you're in a company culture

00:19:51.900 that you feel is like kind of toxic and really negative and you highly disagree with and, and

00:19:59.580 you're clear in regards to your ability to provide some insight and direction, um, or have a say in

00:20:08.380 the matter, then, you know, maybe it's not the ideal culture for you either. Right. So that's

00:20:14.560 another thing to consider, but be careful on that approach because I think that's easy, right? That's

00:20:20.620 the easy, like, let me just demonize everyone else. Oh, it's bad culture. There's nothing I can do

00:20:27.420 about it and hate your job and leave instead of rising up and looking for the opportunity to uplift

00:20:33.300 other, other individuals and educate them. Right. Maybe it's as simple as going to through the chain

00:20:39.900 of command and saying, Hey, I feel like our company does this. I would love to do a presentation about

00:20:48.100 the pros and cons of virtual signaling within the organization and the, what the cultural impact is

00:20:53.500 and present it in a very positive way, like in a very objective way, that's intelligent and concise

00:21:03.560 and clear and not, um, overly judgmental. You know what I mean? And quick to conclusions and all the

00:21:10.020 things and all those other things. So, uh, it might be a great opportunity to have that conversation.

00:21:14.820 In fact, even right now I'm thinking, oh man, I would like to actually dive into this some more and

00:21:20.480 get really clear in my own mind. What is virtual signaling exactly? And what are the cultural

00:21:27.080 impacts? I actually think it's a great conversation. Um, and a lot of organizations are kind of jumping

00:21:31.640 on that bandwagon a little bit. So what's the drawbacks? I don't know. So hopefully that helps

00:21:37.820 bill. All right. Bailey Lonberg, what's the best way to get hyper-focused when trying to do a mundane

00:21:45.280 tasks that you don't want to do? I understand that making yourself do it, uh, making yourself

00:21:52.020 do it to become the master of the mundane to speak, but what tips and tricks do you, the two of you get,

00:21:58.620 uh, to get efficient and effective on boring, tedious things in the workplace. I have a slow paced job

00:22:06.380 and the state, uh, in the state department, no one is held at a very high standard. How, uh, how,

00:22:12.680 and geez, man, I can't read today. No one is held at a very high standard and we do really

00:22:19.600 uninspiring work, which I feel makes, makes it even harder. Okay. Sorry about that. All right.

00:22:27.920 Let's look at this. So first off,

00:22:31.660 I think you can make your work inspiring, even if it's mundane. And, and I think it's about

00:22:41.940 inspiring, uh, you become the thing that's inspiring, meaning, all right, like filling out

00:22:49.380 a paper is not like, you know, I have to fill all these forms all day long. It's not like I'm not

00:22:54.620 having a major breakthrough of innovation and I'm not saving the company tons of money or whatever,

00:23:00.520 but like you could be inspiring, like how you show up, man, you know, Kip, I know all he's filling

00:23:09.720 out his TPI reports, but man, he does it so well. He is so organized. He gets so many done, like

00:23:16.920 make yourself the thing that's inspiring when it comes to mundane work. Now I'd like to talk

00:23:25.940 to the importance of focus time, which I think is literally the same thing. So, uh, at the company

00:23:34.640 I'm at right now, one of the conversations that we're having on the executive team is the importance

00:23:38.800 of deep work. And it's really interesting because there's some correlations here. So in, in the

00:23:44.680 corporate America, we call it deep work in extreme sports, they call it flow state, but it is focused,

00:23:52.500 dedicated time to a task. Now it didn't say dedicated, focused time for entertaining task or,

00:24:00.280 uh, uh, uh, an inspiring task, no to a task period.

00:24:07.940 And there's major benefits to this. In fact, the benefits of having focused time on a single task

00:24:15.480 creates a sense of fulfillment, accomplishment, balance, reduction of stress and chaos.

00:24:26.180 Like there are benefits to focus time. The problem is, is we live in a world of distraction,

00:24:34.880 constant distraction and, and instant gratification. That is our world. And, and you could replace

00:24:43.840 distraction with gratification. So let me give you a typical corporate office scenario.

00:24:49.840 I need to work on some documentation, or I need to write up a statement of work kind of mundane,

00:24:57.380 right? It's going to be, you know, 20 pages documentation of security guidelines around

00:25:02.460 office 365 does not sound very fun. So, but I need to write this up mundane, not very inspiring.

00:25:10.420 Um, and then someone walks by distraction. Oh, Hey dude, how you doing? Right. Or phone vibrated.

00:25:22.940 Let me grab my phone distraction. Also gratification, their distractions to a, to a mundane task and

00:25:32.460 guaranteed all of us can be distracted all day long. If you wanted to, some of us could spend our

00:25:38.120 entire day just answering emails. And then what happens on those kinds of days, you leave the

00:25:44.740 office feeling what? That you didn't accomplish anything. You were busy, but you really didn't

00:25:53.220 move the needle. You communicated, you got distracted, you had lots of conversations, but the backpack of

00:26:00.620 responsibility and tasks and things that need to get done is still hanging on your back.

00:26:06.620 And you didn't progress any further at the end of the day than you were at the beginning of the day.

00:26:14.120 So focus time is very, very valuable. And no, let me say it this way, valuable to yourself and to

00:26:22.020 your organization. So then how do we do this, right? How do we have focus time? So let me give you some of

00:26:28.500 my strategies that we've talked about here at my employment. So let me, I'm pulling up a slide deck

00:26:37.900 to actually read some of, some of the stuff. So give me a second.

00:26:46.600 All right. Here's some things from a cultural perspective that I think we can do at a company

00:26:51.220 level. First realize that roles are different in an organization. So some roles are going to require

00:26:59.220 more deep work than others, right? Sales reps and business development. There's not very much deep

00:27:05.840 work. Programmers completely on the other end of that spectrum, a great deal of deep work. We need to

00:27:13.700 respect the differences of roles and realize certain individuals require deep work. Companies can

00:27:21.720 promote noise cancellation headphones, reserving phone rooms, conference rooms, eliminate the

00:27:28.960 opportunity of distraction from where we work. For a lot of us, we're working at home, establishing

00:27:34.480 boundaries. When that door is closed, when I have a sign on the door, unless the house is on fire,

00:27:40.080 you don't even knock, right? Statistically for a programmer, for instance, a single interruption

00:27:47.740 eats away, I think roughly 15 to 25 minutes of time to ramp back up where that thought process was,

00:27:55.820 right? Huge productivity is being lost by distractions and distractions are everything from a phone vibrating

00:28:03.580 to someone walking up to your desk, to a notification on your computer, to I got a new

00:28:10.060 email, to a phone call, et cetera. We need to create an environment where those distractions are turned

00:28:15.220 off. I would turn, I would close email. I'd turn off your phone. I would change your status on your

00:28:21.520 instant messaging. I would close social media notifications, adjust your ecosystem to promote

00:28:27.420 it. Okay. Second order, not second. Jesus is like four have an orderly office, believe it or not

00:28:36.660 organization. Things put away is a distraction to you. You have a messy desk. You have these other

00:28:43.780 things around you. That's all just disorganized and laying all over the place. That's a distraction.

00:28:49.900 Organize your workspace or wherever that is. Second systems and processes. Do you have systems and

00:28:58.360 processes in your life and in the workspace that allows you to efficiently get to the information that

00:29:04.660 you need to accomplish your job in an effective manner? In the corporate America space, we call

00:29:10.240 this knowledge management, right? In information architecture, this is important. I could spend a

00:29:16.700 great deal of time getting distracted, trying to find the information I need to do my job. So this is

00:29:22.860 part of the orderly office, but on the information side, right? Organize your files and your things

00:29:29.100 appropriately so you're efficient and you can get straight to task and not be distracted trying to find

00:29:34.580 things. Okay. Clear chain of command. This is important. Why? Because you know who you need to

00:29:43.660 talk to when you need to talk to someone, right? And we don't, we eliminate the distraction of,

00:29:49.020 well, I talked to him and I need to talk to here and not knowing who to communicate with

00:29:52.500 to accomplish your job. And then last roles and responsibilities defined. What specifically do

00:29:59.380 you need to work on as an individual? Okay. Now those are the kind of the cultural things.

00:30:03.520 On the personal side, these are things that I would recommend. And some of those are personal. I guess

00:30:10.120 your workspace could be your personal, but those tips are really typically from a company or

00:30:15.760 organizational perspective. On a daily basis to promote deep work or focus time, I'd remove any

00:30:24.440 reoccurring or unnecessary meetings from your day. I would schedule your focused work. So literally be

00:30:34.340 very intentional about it. Grab windows of time. If they're windows of two to one to two hours, have 15

00:30:41.680 minute breaks and hold yourself to those times. So work it within your schedule and honor it, right?

00:30:48.640 Don't honor the distraction. Your focus time needs to be a priority, just like everything else in life.

00:30:54.600 If you want to do something, you got to schedule it. You got to make it a priority. This is no different.

00:31:00.160 Last, an end of day process I would highly recommend. And what that end of day process is,

00:31:06.520 is evaluating your day and determining, okay, based upon how today went, how did it go, right?

00:31:14.780 We talk about this in the iron council and on this podcast a lot, have an after action review.

00:31:20.260 What went well, what worked, what did not go well, what do I need to adjust for tomorrow?

00:31:26.780 Okay. End of day review all the urgent issues, make sure that there's nothing else that's urgent

00:31:33.440 that needs to be addressed from a work perspective. Create a list for the urgent items in which you can

00:31:40.680 address tomorrow. Kind of like the must do's for tomorrow. Andy Frisilla, uh, talks about his power

00:31:48.240 list, adjust your schedule, review the schedule for tomorrow. And then most importantly, stop working

00:31:56.060 actually in your day that allows you to honor your focus time. When you stop working,

00:32:06.100 if that bleeds into your personal life, it affects your personal life. The next day you come in,

00:32:11.080 you're strung out, make the separation. Stop working. When you're, when you're done doing your

00:32:19.020 focus time, stop being focused and move on to the next task. Now I could spend a lot of time talking

00:32:25.440 about this. My apologies, but there's so much to this. And to your question, Bailey, I actually think

00:32:31.660 that even the master of the mundane by being super focused on what you're doing and not having the

00:32:37.240 distractions, we might find out that during those mundane tasks that we actually start finding

00:32:43.400 innovation in what, in what we're doing. We might start going, Whoa, actually, you know what?

00:32:49.860 As I hyper-focus on this task, I just realized we can maybe automate this. There's a way that we could

00:32:57.080 attack this better, or my approach to complete this task could be done better, but that requires

00:33:02.100 your full undivided attention to that task to be able to see those areas of innovation.

00:33:09.600 All right. I think I may have covered that a little too much. All right. Bailey, hopefully that was

00:33:15.580 valuable. All right. Carl Versher. Sorry, Carl. Carl Alphabet. Is there such a thing as being too good

00:33:26.180 of an employee? How do I continue to grow in the eyes of the company and my bosses while still not

00:33:32.160 making my coworkers look bad? All right. So believe it or not, I've had this conversation with a buddy of

00:33:41.220 mine where there's actually like work drama due to him pushing and working really hard. Like no joke,

00:33:53.420 employees are reacting and saying, dude, you're making us, the rest of us look bad. Like it's actually

00:33:59.440 creating like this cultural problem. And, and if, if that's the level of culture that you're in, my

00:34:07.420 answer may be drastically different than what I'm about to suggest, but I'm assuming that most companies

00:34:12.120 aren't that bad and that your concern of making your coworkers look bad is probably a little bit more in

00:34:19.460 your head than actual reality. And, and now that I say that, and I think about this for a second,

00:34:27.100 I don't know, maybe my answer wouldn't be any, any different. The reality of it is,

00:34:33.380 and I'm going to go on the hard stance on this one. The reality of it is if your coworkers are going to

00:34:38.460 look bad because you're leveling up and doing your job really, really well, then so be it like that's

00:34:46.540 on them. You have integrity, you kick ass and you achieve. And if that makes people look bad or feel 0.98

00:34:57.440 uncomfortable, that's on them. You need to rise up, be the example. If they want to join you at being an

00:35:06.160 amazing employee, awesome. But if they're not, and they're going to look bad because your shadow's

00:35:11.640 overcasting over what they're doing, then so be it rise the bar. And, and I think, uh, now that kind

00:35:18.960 of sucks because you might be in a position of culturally being there. Now, are there strategies

00:35:23.800 Carl that you can take on bringing them with you for sure? In fact, I, I think if you have an idea,

00:35:31.340 let's say, uh, I don't know, you have an idea to improve a process of some sort and you share it

00:35:39.000 in a way that might be inspiring to another team member, they might jump on board. Hey, Carl, man,

00:35:46.480 I was thinking about this. I was realizing the other day and I, you know, I'm just not excited.

00:35:50.600 Like, I don't think we achieve. There's so much that we could accomplish. And I really am,

00:35:55.180 have kind of been lately bought into this idea of like killing it at work. I think we should just,

00:36:02.920 let's push forward as a team. Let's do amazing things. I think there's so much more that we can

00:36:08.800 accomplish. If we, if we like really, uh, buckle down and, and accomplish things better.

00:36:17.400 What do you think we could do? Maybe they're on board. Maybe the guy will be like, you know what?

00:36:22.640 I agree. Yeah. Let's do this. Right? So try to be inspiring. Try to enroll those guys into the

00:36:29.300 conversation of be inspiring, um, and succeeding and rising up. And maybe these guys might join you,

00:36:37.580 but ultimately if you have some personality types that are just straight up victims and they're lazy

00:36:42.900 and there's no desire that they have on their end whatsoever to do their jobs better, leave them

00:36:47.820 in the dust, man. They should get probably fired anyway, to be frank. And, and your job and your

00:36:54.760 objective should be, how do you show up as a man, have integrity and do your job damn well and do it.

00:37:03.240 And if it makes other people look bad, so be it. Now don't do it intentionally to make them look bad.

00:37:07.560 I'm not suggesting that. And, and even be frank, like to continue to grow in the eyes of the company

00:37:13.920 and my bosses. Like I actually don't, I even think that's me might even be the mind, the wrong mindset

00:37:18.880 to grow in the eyes of my company boss. No, just do the job really, really well. Like kick ass.

00:37:28.280 And, and don't worry. That's the, that's the by-product of being amazing is people in the 0.99

00:37:33.400 company, your boss, you're going to notice that, but don't make that the focal point. Otherwise you

00:37:37.620 might compromise the scenario and go, Oh, let me do it at this time. So they notice like, don't do that.

00:37:43.200 No, no, don't play the game. Just be an amazing guy and to be amazing at what you do. And people

00:37:49.000 are going to notice, but make your work ethic and have an integrity and honoring your word,

00:37:56.500 make that the reason you're doing it. And as a by-product, the company, the bosses will notice.

00:38:04.560 The other thing is, if that's the focus, that's the kind of man you are. And that can be inspiring

00:38:10.980 to the other employees. But if they catch that you're only doing it to be noticed by the company

00:38:18.580 and the boss, now that lacks integrity. And now it's just kissing ass. And they're going to see 1.00

00:38:24.480 that and be annoyed by it. So make it about who you are as a man and your work ethic, not about the

00:38:32.360 other things that will come. Opportunities will present themselves when we rise up. Don't worry

00:38:39.120 about that. I, in fact, I feel so confident that that will show up. Just give it time and change

00:38:44.840 the, change the mindset. David Rivas, two questions. Disclaimer. It's not easy coming up with questions

00:38:52.820 for you when the order man has taught us how to find and resolve on our own. That's good, David.

00:38:58.280 All right. Question number one. And because that was a great comment, David, you get two questions.

00:39:03.720 I'm going to give you both. All right. Question number one. How do you know? Let me take a drink.

00:39:09.400 Hold on. All right. How do you know about anger issues? Is it a real thing? I think I may have a low

00:39:18.840 tolerance or a weak patience for ignorance. Either way, it's a concern I need to address. No worries.

00:39:27.780 Five years of order a man has taught me to restrain when I do converse. Question number two. I'm finding

00:39:35.440 it difficult to find like-minded men the more I interact in discussions primarily aimed at taking

00:39:41.680 ownership and personal accountability of all discussions a man makes. All right. So first 0.76

00:39:48.080 question around anger issues and anger around tolerance for other individuals.

00:39:57.520 I think David, the key to this is you're, you're coming to conclusions of judgment too quickly.

00:40:05.920 Let me explain.

00:40:13.580 I'm trying to think of an example here. So if someone does something and it immediately like

00:40:21.800 fires me up, right? And I get mad or frustrated. That tells me that I'm passing judgment immediately

00:40:30.920 without any detail and that I should pause and evaluate the circumstance. So for instance,

00:40:39.420 if that individual, I'm, let's say I label them as ignorant, blah, blah, blah. Why? 0.98

00:40:46.880 Why are they ignorant about the thing in which is making me mad? Were they raised different than me?

00:40:53.640 Do they have a different level of education than I have? Do they have the same experiences in life

00:40:59.920 that I have? And if the answer to all those questions is no, then who am I to say that they

00:41:06.320 should see something that is so obvious? They may have just not had the same chances and

00:41:12.460 opportunities to understand something as you and I, period. And even better yet, assume, and I know this

00:41:21.400 is not truth, but it's a great perception to have, a perspective to have. If you were them

00:41:28.000 raised by the same parents in the same social circumstances that they were raised in,

00:41:35.960 you would do the same thing. So who are you to say that they shouldn't be ignorant about something?

00:41:44.300 Now, you talked about in your second question about ownership.

00:41:52.440 There's also some ownership here, right? I have an employee, employee, right? Maybe we jump on a

00:42:00.060 project and the employee's explaining something wrong. I can immediately pause and go, dang it,

00:42:06.040 right? Like, you know, we went over this already, guys, right? I've explained this to you. This is,

00:42:10.920 this is how we architect the system and blah, blah, blah. The ownership side of that conversation is

00:42:16.020 apparently I didn't explain it well enough. Apparently I wasn't dynamic enough in my explanation

00:42:23.220 that it registered for that employee. So let me take responsibility of their ignorance

00:42:29.460 and pivot and adjust how I am as a leader to ensure that they're no longer ignorant around that 0.94

00:42:36.760 discussion point. Okay. Work example. Let's give a social example. I might pull up social media right

00:42:44.720 now, Instagram, and see a post from someone immediately get pissed off, right? Oh my gosh,

00:42:51.500 this person is so ignorant and stupid. They don't understand this social circumstance. 1.00

00:42:56.260 They obviously didn't research anything, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I could be very quickly

00:43:02.360 judgmental, but then I have to also realize that what's human nature. Human nature is to tribalize.

00:43:11.080 They've identified themselves as part of a tribe. Maybe that tribe is a political group.

00:43:16.960 They read a headline. It aligns with their tribe. They stand by that tribe. They regurgitate information

00:43:23.240 with very little time in understanding and, or investigation on their part. Makes sense.

00:43:30.580 Now I can actually have some, maybe some empathy and realize that they're being victims of their

00:43:38.000 human condition. And unfortunately in their life, they've never apparently have learned the value

00:43:46.160 in critical thinking and they're being lazy with their thought process. Okay. Got it.

00:43:51.880 Right. Like don't do what they do. Right. In that example, you judging them too quickly and not

00:43:59.280 understanding how they are acting is a lack of thought, critical thinking on your part around

00:44:05.640 that individual and that human. So add critical thinking to everything and, and realize things are

00:44:12.440 all complex where everything's more complex, right? Whenever I hear like a soundbite for news,

00:44:18.040 oh, they didn't do this. Or let's use Trump's taxes as an example. Trump doesn't pay his taxes.

00:44:23.560 He only pays $750 a month or whatever. Okay. That's federal taxes. How much does he pay state?

00:44:30.120 What's his income? You like start looking through all the other things and understand the data, but

00:44:34.280 it's no different than our judgments on individuals. And, and I think most of the time when we have some

00:44:39.860 critical thinking, we can actually end up having empathy for them and, and not like, don't feel

00:44:47.440 sorry for them, but have some empathy, understand where they're at. And everyone's on a different

00:44:51.780 path, you know, and sometimes you're just gonna have to shake your head a little bit and say,

00:44:55.320 you know, kind of feel sorry for them, right? That they don't realize who or how they show up

00:45:00.560 in life and that they're being overly ignorant from a work perspective, take some extreme ownership,

00:45:05.980 figure out how do you teach your people not to be ignorant about a particular subject.

00:45:09.060 All right. Question number two, I find it difficult to find like-minded men and more

00:45:13.620 interactions, uh, men, the more I interact on discussions, primarily aimed at taking ownership

00:45:19.260 and personal accountability. There's a reason why the iron council is such a big deal. I really do.

00:45:26.220 I mean, that is, so the iron council is, is our brotherhood. If you want our mastermind group

00:45:33.980 that is tied to this podcast to order of man. And we're roughly 700 members that are associated to

00:45:43.340 a team that meet, meet weekly, hold each other accountable, push each other through goals,

00:45:49.660 have critical conversations and discussions and ideas and concepts. And, and it's, and Ryan has

00:45:56.680 mentioned this in the past. Guys don't join, get their data and they leave in six months because

00:46:02.500 they're all good to go. They could some of them, but we don't. Why? Cause we're part of the community.

00:46:11.340 It's, it's amazing how often I'm in, I'm in awe and I'm inspired by conversations within the iron

00:46:19.560 council, whether it's being on a battle team call or our all hands calls on Fridays or leadership calls,

00:46:26.940 why it's refreshing to have those kind of conversations with like-minded men. And, and David,

00:46:34.140 I only bring this up because I'm, I'm, I, I understand it's, it, it's difficult to find those

00:46:45.380 guys in our lives. And it's refreshing to be part of a community with so many guys.

00:46:51.400 Now you could join the iron council. If you want to look into that order of man.com slash iron

00:46:56.760 council. Otherwise let's talk about how do we create that in our communities, right? Or how do

00:47:01.680 we, how do we find those men? Right. And I think they're there. I think they're all around us.

00:47:10.280 We just not having the conversation, right? You're not, you know, I don't know. You're not in a group

00:47:15.780 with friends and saying, Hey, so, uh, Bob, how do you feel about, uh, extreme ownership or how do you

00:47:22.240 feel about being a victim and blaming your wife for these circumstances or the lack of your marriage?

00:47:27.560 You know, like you don't have those conversations very often, right? Because they're kind of like,

00:47:32.120 I don't know, socially awkward to have maybe, or, or whatever. So one strategy that I've used in the

00:47:37.900 past where I have some friends that I weren't sure if like-minded and let me pause for a second.

00:47:44.120 We all have friends obviously, but it's ironic. We didn't interview any of them, right? Like

00:47:49.260 your friends are like your spouse, sorry, my, your spouse's friends, or they're guys that you went to

00:47:55.460 high school with or whatever. That doesn't mean they're on the same path as you, right? Um, so we

00:48:01.360 might have some buddies that might be though. And so one strategy that I've used in the past is I grab

00:48:06.980 a specific book and I actually buy him a book and I say, Hey dude, read this book and let me know what

00:48:12.860 you think. Now, if they read the book and they're like, yeah, that was lame. You know, I was hoping

00:48:18.880 for pictures and a better story or whatever. Then that obviously they're not like-minded and,

00:48:23.540 and books that I'm talking about are Sovereignty, Ryan's book, Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willink

00:48:31.480 and Leif Babin, No More Mr. Nice Guy, James Allen's As a Man Thinketh, Viktor Frankl's A Man's Search

00:48:43.700 for Meaning, like kind of those foundational books that, that tell, that would be the tall tale sign

00:48:51.680 that if it resonated with them, then they're like-minded, right? They're at least willing to

00:48:56.700 have that conversation. So that's my suggestion. Use books, give books to friends, see if it resonates

00:49:02.680 with them. Um, and then the other part is just be that stellar example and lighthouse so much that

00:49:10.240 guys will start finding you where they'll be like, Hey, you know what, Kip? I want to have a

00:49:15.660 conversation with you. There's something about you, right? There's, you're killing it. Like,

00:49:20.520 what are you doing that I'm not doing? And then you can start having those conversations as well.

00:49:25.480 But yeah, so obviously always focus on who you are, how you're showing up. That's the best way for us

00:49:33.600 to be examples of other individuals. Let your light shine, uh, so people can ask and come to you as

00:49:40.420 well. So those are the strategies. Oh, and one last one, jump on the Facebook group, order of man,

00:49:47.500 facebook.com slash group slash order of man, reach out to other guys that are geographically in your area,

00:49:52.560 have a fight night, you know, schedule a time to go to the range, start having conversations,

00:49:58.060 right? Find those like-minded guys. And unfortunately in our space for guys, anyway,

00:50:02.920 it's rubbing shoulder to shoulder, right? So it's joining a martial arts school, boxing, gym, jujitsu,

00:50:09.720 um, archery, find guys that have common interests, start having those conversations and,

00:50:14.620 and see if you can find those guys. Okay. All right. Um, uh, I'll, I'll Rick, I'll Rick Burke.

00:50:29.380 You can't ensure anything in life, but what are you doing today to prepare your children for tomorrow?

00:50:36.460 So with a fast pace of tech, fast pace of technology and the instant gratification culture we have today,

00:50:43.880 how are you preparing them morally, emotionally, and intellectually?

00:50:51.220 So all Rick, luckily for me, um,

00:50:57.800 um, I probably dropped the ball in regards to doing this effectively for my older kids,

00:51:06.700 um, which has allowed me to learn that lesson, I hope. Uh, and my wife and I, we kind of have like

00:51:15.800 two batches. We have the older batch, the younger batch. And so we've pivoted, right? And adjusted a

00:51:22.880 little bit and saying, okay, how do we, what adjustments do we need to make for our younger kids

00:51:27.540 to make sure that we don't make the same mistakes, right? That we've made for our older children.

00:51:32.680 Um, and so I'll just kind of share some of those things that, that we're doing. So first off, let's,

00:51:38.720 there's a couple of things that you mentioned here, fast paced technology, instant gratification culture.

00:51:45.880 You create an environment by which they receive gratification over a delayed period of time.

00:51:53.520 Um, um, the author of the boy crisis, he talks about delayed gratification is really a management

00:52:02.360 of dopamine, right? Feel good drug, right? That our body releases. And you get that from a great deal

00:52:11.000 of things. You get it from listening to your parents, believe it or not. You get it from working hard

00:52:16.160 and seeing your success at the end of a hard working day. You get it from following and being

00:52:23.540 in integrity, but guess what? You also get it a huge amount of it from playing video games. You

00:52:29.760 actually get it from doing something wrong from arguing. And so you're really fighting the battle

00:52:38.020 of gratification. And there are so many ways for kids to be, to have gratification, superficial

00:52:49.080 gratification. If you want to use that term via video games and social media and likes, how many

00:52:55.720 likes did I get on my post and, you know, or hearts or whatever that's called on Instagram. And so you're

00:53:01.480 competing with that. And so I would try in as early as possible, start creating these opportunities for

00:53:12.100 your children to find gratification in lasting things, fulfillment. And the things that I would focus on

00:53:21.480 is hard work. I, two weeks ago went down to the parents' house. My parents had the girls with me

00:53:33.640 ages nine, seven, and I have a one-year-old and we literally spent the entire day working from the

00:53:41.880 beginning of the day to almost into the dark. Why? Not because it was fun. It would have been probably

00:53:50.860 easier if they didn't join and they weren't involved in the process, but I want them to feel the

00:53:57.880 gratification of a hard day's work, the gratification of helping someone else, right? Two Sundays. And I

00:54:05.760 don't say these things because I'm like trying to sound like a saint or anything. Half these ideas are

00:54:10.140 really my wife's, but like last, was it last Sunday? Yeah. Last Sunday went to a homeless shelter

00:54:17.440 and at 7 a.m. on a Sunday morning and serve the homeless, right? And help cook and help serve them

00:54:27.820 for hours, like four hours, I think, four or five hours on a Sunday. Why? Not easy, by the way. It

00:54:36.020 would have been easier to let the kids sleep, but we wanted to create the experience for them to get

00:54:41.180 the gratification of serving someone else. Now there's other benefits, obviously, but they see

00:54:47.840 the benefit of it. So start trying to create as many situations as much as possible for our kids to

00:54:54.640 receive and find gratification in doing good. Serving other individuals, finding gratification, working

00:55:02.100 hard, doing difficult things, achieving, following goals, giving to the poor, et cetera, right? Look

00:55:11.040 for those. Now you also asked about preparing them morally, emotionally, intellectually, make them

00:55:17.700 a priority. Help them understand why spirituality is important now, not later, not when they're a

00:55:28.860 little bit older, like they got to understand it now. Why should they have a spiritual relationship

00:55:34.900 with a creator? What's the benefit of that? By the time, at least from my perspective, by the

00:55:41.020 time I think they're old enough to understand, it's kind of, it has started becoming too late

00:55:47.820 to have it be a habit for them. And, and, and for older kids, I would really start having like deeper

00:55:57.400 spiritual conversations and kind of stoic conversations around the importance of living a

00:56:04.420 fulfilled life to understanding the benefit of living a life of purpose with direction and how that plays

00:56:15.020 a part in helping us not feel depressed and suicidal and being blown as a tumbleweed with the wind with

00:56:25.340 whatever society's deciding, like really get clear on this for yourself and integrate your children as

00:56:32.800 quickly and as quickly and as early as possible and understanding the benefits of them, of this to

00:56:38.060 them. Uh, I might be being too hypothetical with you, Alaric, but for us, it's, you know, one of the

00:56:46.140 things like of late, like probably this past year is, you know, I look at my older kids and they don't

00:56:52.200 read enough, right? I'm kind of like, man, you guys hardly ever read books. And there's so much value

00:56:56.260 in reading. I was, I never read books as a kid. And, and so I paused this year and I was like,

00:57:02.540 okay, wait a second. Right. What am I doing for the younger kids? Are they reading? Are they finding

00:57:08.020 the joy in reading? No. And it's really easy to say, well, they're young in school. No, no, no, no.

00:57:13.700 What's where we need to become a reading family, a family that reads, right? Another thing we say

00:57:22.680 nightly prayers, individual ones, right? We might say a prayer as a family, and then we go to our bed

00:57:28.740 and the girls say their individual prayers. I see my individual prayers with them. All right,

00:57:33.880 guys, are you ready? Set go. And we all say our individual prayers. That way we ensure it happens.

00:57:39.300 That's me trying to have them create their own personal relationship and not be reliant on

00:57:44.920 family prayers for them to be praying and pondering on things. The second thing that I would suggest,

00:57:51.700 and I talked about this last week on the AMA with Ryan, is like, we expect our kids to,

00:57:59.380 you know, maybe have delayed gratifications, to have morals and emotional intelligence. And back to

00:58:07.080 the question earlier about do mundane tasks, but do we train them to do any of those things,

00:58:13.080 right? We can't expect our kids to do things that we haven't trained them to do.

00:58:16.520 So what are we doing as parents to train them to build a spiritual relationship,

00:58:23.640 to see the value and morals? And you might have to be super, super creative with this.

00:58:31.360 Running our mouths at the end of the day about, you know, why this is important, now go to bed,

00:58:36.380 may not be sufficient, right? We may need to make it fun, entertaining, and look for a huge amount

00:58:42.560 of opportunities constantly to be able to create this ecosystem by which our kids can start seeing

00:58:47.940 the value of those things. And as always, the example or how we show up is probably the most

00:58:55.460 critical aspect of this all. We need to be clear why that's all important for ourselves. We need to

00:59:01.520 make sure that technology and instant gratification is not showing up in our lives, right? We need to be

00:59:06.520 the ultimate example of this and then look for opportunities to teach our kids. Okay.

00:59:14.840 All right. A couple more questions and we'll go ahead and wrap up. So Skylar

00:59:18.840 Byrne, sorry. How to stay connected with your kids when you have a toxic ex?

00:59:27.860 So I don't know how old the kids are. Skylar, but I'll just, I'm going to throw out a bunch of ideas

00:59:38.120 here. How to stay connected to your kids when you have a toxic ex? First off, don't be toxic.

00:59:46.120 Don't be the other toxic ex. Never speak of your ex in any way. Don't talk negative about her.

00:59:53.660 In fact, go above and beyond. And when they're frustrated with her, help them to have empathy

01:00:00.100 and be slow to judge. Oh, I hate it when mom does this. Oh man, keep in mind. She has a lot going on 0.99

01:00:07.920 her plate. Be mindful of your mom. You need to respect her. Like look for the opportunities to

01:00:13.840 speak positive about her. Never go toxic. And you're going to be obviously tempted to do so

01:00:22.900 because if she's saying bad things about you, you're going to want to turn on its head and

01:00:27.100 return the, don't take the higher road, be the greater man,

01:00:31.900 a greater person and don't speak all of them. That's number one. Number two,

01:00:40.460 don't assume that your communication to them goes unnoticed whether they reply or not. I think a lot of

01:00:51.540 single fathers have a tendency to do this. Oh, I text my son all the time for a few weeks,

01:00:58.320 but he never replied. So I stopped. Don't do that. You assume that because they don't reply

01:01:05.720 that the expectation that you had on the communication isn't met. So you're going to

01:01:11.020 stop doing it. Don't do that. Let go of the expectation that you have. They may never reply.

01:01:16.160 They may never send you emoji. They may, when you do have a phone call with them, it'll be like,

01:01:22.680 you know, I don't know. Miserable, right? Hey, how you doing, son? Great. How's school? Great.

01:01:30.620 Right. It like, might be like pulling teeth out, right? It may be miserable, but don't stop

01:01:35.800 because what you are teaching them is that you are there regardless of how they interact or reply

01:01:45.280 with you. So don't give up on your communication. Let go of the expectation that you have on them

01:01:50.840 about how they should be showing up. Back to what I was saying earlier, love them without reason

01:01:57.780 and continue your path of staying connected. Ideas around staying connected. Text messages.

01:02:06.540 Just send them a random text. Thinking about you, son. Love and miss you. Period.

01:02:10.760 Sending them thoughts. Here's a great quote I read in this book, especially if they're older kids.

01:02:15.840 You got to check this out. Watch this YouTube video. Send them an Instagram post that you thought

01:02:21.100 was inspirational. Figure out what's interesting them. I know without a doubt right now,

01:02:27.460 I can send a Mandalorian season two post to my two older boys and they'll be like, awesome.

01:02:34.140 Dad, did you see this, you know, fan created video on Star Wars? Like that's a common interest

01:02:41.100 that we have. So I could take advantage of that and send them those kinds of things. Figure out what

01:02:46.040 they're interested in. Communicate with them. We, we have amazing technology to communicate. We have no

01:02:51.740 reason whatsoever not to be constantly communicated. So use social media, use, um, instant messaging,

01:02:59.540 use video phone calls. Hey, check out this thing that I'm working on. Hey, starting a new goal,

01:03:05.780 just working out. Have you worked out yet today? Like look for those opportunities to talk,

01:03:11.780 constantly stay connected and just continue and let go of any expectation of how they should be replying.

01:03:17.320 And over time, you're going to start getting to a point where your boys are like, Hey, dad, um,

01:03:24.340 I need some advice. Or do you have a recommended book about this? Right. And then you're going to be

01:03:31.540 able to start having those deeper conversations over time because they, they see you as someone that they

01:03:37.180 can reach out to for advice and direction. And whether your ex is toxic or not, you weren't.

01:03:45.680 And they'll be drawn to you because you weren't toxic to them, right? You didn't speak ill of them

01:03:53.100 and you are the example of how you rise above when people think ill of you. And what a great lesson

01:04:03.440 or what a great thing for them to learn of what that looks like, because what are the chances that

01:04:09.120 they're going to have people in their life that is going to speak ill of them and going to think

01:04:13.680 negative of them? Well, great, man. You have this excellent opportunity. You have this person that

01:04:18.940 thinks ill of you, show them how it's done. Show them how you rise above, show them how you make

01:04:25.420 your honor, your integrity, and how you show up in life, the priority and, and regardless of what

01:04:31.540 people think. And you don't stoop down right to those people's level. Okay.

01:04:42.100 Let's do one more question. Greg Lewis.

01:04:46.440 How can I be a good mentor to my siblings who are 20 years younger?

01:04:51.680 Zing Alec. Sorry. So Zing, I think it's pronouncing. The best ways is to be the lighthouse. We talk 1.00

01:05:05.460 about this in the iron council a lot, right? Be a lighthouse. Don't be a tugboat. You can't force

01:05:10.300 people to do something, but you can be a lighthouse and be inspiring in a way so much that people will

01:05:19.380 seek you out as a mentor, right? I don't, I can't think of any circumstances, at least in my life.

01:05:27.960 And I'm probably assuming a lot of us couldn't where we were someone's mentor because we chose to

01:05:33.720 be their mentor. I don't think it works that way. Um, now if they've sought you out and you are kind of

01:05:42.720 their built-in mentor, how do you be a good one? You become a great person that makes you a great

01:05:51.080 mentor and a great person in all areas, right? Um, or at least mentor in the areas that you are good

01:05:59.280 at. Um, Ryan talks about this quite a bit, right? We, we don't have a, a mentor. Like my mentor in

01:06:07.060 jujitsu is not my mentor in business and my mentor in business does not provide mentorship in

01:06:12.500 relationships. Those are different people. So figure out, uh, how you can provide some value

01:06:19.740 to your siblings, um, be that lighthouse for them. And, and it's really about how you show up and

01:06:26.900 sharing yourself with them as much as possible. And, and there's huge value in sharing your lessons

01:06:33.880 versus preaching. Um, also known as a testimony versus preaching. Testimonies are powerful. Why?

01:06:42.360 Because you're not saying, Hey, you should do X. You suggest, Hey, you know what? I learned this.

01:06:49.440 This is what worked for me. And it gives them the freedom to try it on for themselves.

01:06:54.980 Be careful not to be preachy, especially with siblings that, that, that could be rubbed wrong

01:07:02.560 and maybe not ideal. And it's actually just quite less effective. So just share yourself.

01:07:08.260 Um, but let them seek you out as a mentor and just be a good example until then.

01:07:15.680 Okay. Um, last one, we'll do one more. Uh, Gary Tate, what would you suggest some ways to

01:07:26.020 disengage or withdraw from an argument that is getting emotional?

01:07:32.560 Well, disengage and withdraw, at least for me means just walk away, right? Like literally

01:07:42.420 disengage from it. Assuming that you don't want to do that because you could just disengage. I don't

01:07:48.360 know ways like you, you just start, you stop. That's how you disengage. However, if what you're

01:07:56.640 maybe asking Gary is like, how do I not, how do I disengage my emotions? That might be a different

01:08:03.440 thing. And I, and I think we've kind of answered this question earlier. It's, it's understanding

01:08:08.520 people getting it, like just really honestly getting it and not having people's intellectual,

01:08:20.300 intellectual understanding of something means something about themselves or making it mean

01:08:28.000 something about you, right? It gets emotional. A great book on this, by the way, is crucial

01:08:32.880 conversations. So look into that, um, because there's some strategy, right? You and I can't

01:08:37.560 have a crucial conversation if, if we don't have trust, right? You and I can't deal with something

01:08:42.800 if there's no trust. So that's a problem, right? And so there's some prerequisites to

01:08:49.280 certain conversations. And, and sometimes we have a feeling that like, you know, maybe

01:08:56.160 it's someone I don't trust, but we're going to have an argument and he, I'm going to somehow

01:08:59.800 like change his mind. Like it doesn't work that way. Right. And, and so consider what are

01:09:05.620 the prerequisites need to exist in the conversation? The other part is what's the objective, right?

01:09:12.800 Is it to hear ourselves yell? Is it our, to make ourselves right? And if, and, and be mindful

01:09:18.620 at least what your objective is and they don't have to be the same, right? The other individual

01:09:24.100 might have the objective of trying to change your mind. Maybe your objective, Gary, is to

01:09:28.400 understand them because you're looking for a different viewpoint or you would, you're curious

01:09:34.520 on how someone would understand something so, so drastically different than you. Make that

01:09:40.420 the mission. So, but understand that, that there needs to be some prerequisites right to

01:09:46.860 the conversation. And then to disengage emotionally, most emotion ultimately roots back to our ego

01:09:56.440 and the avoidance of looking bad and trying to look good. Well, let go of that. You don't

01:10:03.520 need someone else's opinion to, to validate yourself. So be comfortable in your own thought

01:10:11.480 process. Listen to understand. And if they see it different, then realize they just see it

01:10:19.060 different, right? You're so much of our emotional conversations is the meaning that we create around

01:10:26.180 the conversation. Oh, I can't believe they said that. They said, blah, blah, blah. Well, why are you

01:10:30.480 so mad? Cause you made that mean something about you and, or them? Oh, well, if they see that,

01:10:37.100 then this, this, that really, right? How often have we seen this? I'm going to get on it. So

01:10:41.960 how, how often do we see this bullshit, right? Oh, if you're voting for this or you have this 1.00

01:10:48.200 mentality, you can unfriend me right now. Why? Because if you see something a certain way,

01:10:55.460 then that must mean blah. Really? Does it? Could it mean that I actually misunderstand the

01:11:03.020 circumstance and I bought into, I don't know, social circles that I'm part of, and I've

01:11:10.840 identified myself with a particular tribe. And so I'm being really ignorant. Instead of looking 0.95

01:11:15.180 into the details, I'm just going along to get along because I think that political group aligns with

01:11:20.760 what I think. Possibly. Could it also mean that I understand the circumstance better than you do?

01:11:29.060 And that me being in your life might be really important, right? It's all meaning that we're

01:11:34.520 adding to everything constantly, right? I was just having this conversation with my

01:11:38.520 seven-year-old daughter the other day. If you don't mind me sharing that, we're going to use the

01:11:42.360 seven-year-old daughter, Gary, to work through this question. My apologies. I think it's a good

01:11:46.200 example though, is who knows my nine-year-old. Oh, I'm so frustrated. Why? Well, you know,

01:11:53.600 with her younger sister, she constantly does this, blah, blah, blah. Oh, and it makes you mad. Yeah,

01:11:57.960 it does. It makes you mad. Okay. Well, can you change her? No, I can't change her. Can you make

01:12:04.260 her do something different? No, I can't. Okay. What can you change? Well, I could not play with her

01:12:12.140 and just ignore, you know, stay away from her. Oh, that's true. You could do that. You could avoid

01:12:17.360 the conversations. Um, but do you still have some kind of feelings that might make you a little bit

01:12:24.100 angry, even though you're not hanging out with her? Yeah. Yeah. I'd still have those feelings. Okay.

01:12:28.100 Um, what else do you have control over? Do you have a control over your mind? How you see things?

01:12:35.080 Yeah. Yeah. But I see it because of the way she does something. Oh, okay. Well, what did she do?

01:12:40.880 She did ABC. Oh, okay. Well, her doing that means that about you? Yeah. Who, who decided that?

01:12:52.380 Oh, I did. Okay. That's your perception, right? Your sister doing a certain thing doesn't mean

01:13:01.220 that she, in this example, doesn't like you. That just means that she did X. That's it.

01:13:10.040 You decide the interpretation of people's conversation. You determine the perception

01:13:15.360 of people's actions. And sometimes we just don't know, right? So we can gather more data or whatever,

01:13:22.940 but maybe just not even follow it to a conclusion of what it means about anything. Cause guess what?

01:13:26.840 You probably don't know. So just get logical about the understanding of the conversation and you can

01:13:33.540 really approach it from a non-emotional perspective. And, and really, and at least for me, when I go into

01:13:39.700 a kind of a conversation like this and I remove the emotion, I start getting curious and it starts

01:13:46.680 becoming a curious conversation. And, and now my focus is not about changing perspectives and creating

01:13:55.000 meaning as just understanding and understanding why someone would feel something or feel a particular

01:14:01.680 way or think a certain way. And that's just impactful. And then they feel even listened to,

01:14:06.640 and then you can walk away. Guess what? With no conclusion. That's really interesting. Cool.

01:14:13.760 Man, if we could just do that, how powerful would, how much different would society be if we just did that?

01:14:20.280 Be quite amazing. All right, guys, we're going to wrap up. Hopefully that was beneficial guys

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01:14:38.580 which we filled questions from as well to learn more about the iron council,

01:14:42.500 go to order of man.com slash iron council. For some of you guys, we have 12 weeks remaining out

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01:14:57.080 year, but regardless their strategies around 12 weeks and 90 day goal setting, you got 90 days

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01:15:27.440 tactics and help you wrap up this year. Strong to learn more, go to order of man.com slash battle

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Order of Man - October 07, 2020

The Imposter Syndrome, Narcissistic Relationships, Climbing the Corporate Ladder ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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