The Paradox of Choice, When to Call it Quits, and Living the Intentional Life ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 22 minutes
Words per Minute
177.75279
Summary
On this episode of the podcast, we are joined by a good friend of ours, Kip, and we talk about a variety of topics. We talk about Kip's love of lacrosse, his love of the Utah Archers, and his love for the Utah Jazz. We also talk about his favorite sports teams in the U.S. and some of his favorite places in the world.
Transcript
00:00:00.000
So I don't look at resistance as an end all, like this is over.
00:00:06.400
So if I get into a discussion with my girlfriend about something and we disagree and we have
00:00:12.220
a rough night because of it, I look at it and say, well, this is something that we could
00:00:16.940
We're actually going to be better on the other side of this.
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If in the business, I lose a client, I'm like, great.
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Now I have time to go pursue different clients that might be even better.
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And it's not always easy, but if you can get through that resistance on the other side
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You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart your own path.
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When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.
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You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong.
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This is who you will become at the end of the day.
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And after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.
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You noticed, I might have noticed I got a new hat.
00:01:11.000
I don't know if you knew this, but the Premier Lacrosse League has a Utah team.
00:01:16.480
So it's good that we have a professional team, you know, other than the jazz, I suppose.
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Especially when they can't keep decent players.
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So I don't even know if they can or can't keep decent players.
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But I will say the Utah Archers, which is the Lacrosse League, the last two years they've won the championship.
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This year they're kind of stinking it up a little bit.
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But they have been legit in the past two years.
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So we'll see if they can make a comeback in the later part of the season.
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But I think that'd be fun to go catch a game for sure.
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Anybody that's like a rugby fan, you know, like Highland Highland High School has a strong history in the space of rugby.
00:02:16.620
And man, it was fun to watch high school rugby.
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I mean, it is not uncommon that they're bleeding, packing their noses with grass and playing.
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I mean, it was like some brutal, such a brutal sport.
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I don't know if you've seen this, but I think this is in New Zealand.
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No, and so I don't know the exact rules, but they have, there's, and I think they're probably 20 to 30 yards apart.
00:03:00.260
And there's one defender and one offensive guy.
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We, it's been a while since we asked for some questions over there.
00:03:37.840
So number one, let's address the elephant, the bit of the elephant in the room.
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We actually had a, we had a conversation the other day, a little bit about this, but he
00:03:53.320
said, what are your thoughts on Tim Kennedy and stolen valor?
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I know you probably know, Kip, the controversy.
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See, I know Tim personally, and I'll say this, that I liked him.
00:04:06.760
He's, he's taught me a lot through different camps and programs and different events that
00:04:13.240
I've been to and seen him participate at and heard him speak.
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So I, so I liked him and I'm not really here to throw him under the bus.
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Do you notice how so many people are so quick to jump on throwing people under the bus?
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I don't, I think it's okay to talk about these subjects and I think we should talk about
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them, but the way people do it is the amount of vitriol and hate and hostility isn't something
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But that said, yeah, stolen valor is a big deal.
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When you start telling people that you've done things heroically that you haven't done,
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that you, that you've achieved awards and honors and recognitions that didn't really happen.
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And it's not just an issue because you're being deceitful, although you are, it's an issue
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because it really downplays what other men and women have done who are actual heroes.
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And that's the issue is it's a slap into the face of everybody who's actually been to
00:05:26.160
battle, which he has, but been to battle and done heroic things.
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You know, we've had, for example, um, Kyle Carpenter on the podcast, youngest living Medal
00:05:36.120
That guy's an actual hero is a Medal of Honor recipient.
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Um, and we've had other men who have been blown up.
00:05:43.420
Uh, we had Aaron Hale on the podcast just a couple of weeks ago, EOD tech got, got hit
00:05:50.000
with a improvised explosive device, lost sight in both eyes.
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And then due to complications through surgery, ended up losing his hearing.
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So we're not going to diminish people and what they've actually done heroic things because
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I'm not really going to say much more about it because I think two things can exist at
00:06:14.540
I think Tim can be a good person and I could like Tim a lot and I could disapprove of
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The only other thing I would say is I hope Tim continues to own it and to continue to
00:06:26.580
share a message and straighten that stuff out because I also believe in redemption.
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I've had my own personal shit that has been controversial.
00:06:34.480
I know to a small degree, a very small degree, what Tim is probably feeling right now.
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And I just hope he stays on course, fixes it, corrects it, owns it, and then moves on.
00:06:45.100
I mean, I don't know what's interesting about it, Ryan, like just to digest a little
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It's like, you know, I think we get wrapped up and we think all of that matters, right?
00:07:04.160
Show I'm talking about Jerry, Jerry, uh, Jerry McGuire.
00:07:10.300
So Tim Kennedy had me at UFC fighter green beret.
00:07:26.920
Like I, I think we lose ourselves sometimes to get, it has to be more that than we are.
00:07:35.900
Um, now not good enough as in don't improve yourself, but like you can be impressive where
00:07:43.840
And I, I find it fascinating that, that we have a tendency to do that just as humans.
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And look, I, I mean, I'm not going to like victim blame by any means.
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And there's, there's being a consumer of information and liking Tim Kennedy and then getting blindsided
00:07:59.400
by that information doesn't make somebody a victim.
00:08:01.680
So that's, that, let me just put that out there.
00:08:04.880
Um, but also there's a problem with social media and it's hard because I'm engaged in
00:08:10.200
social media every day because this is how we grow the movement and spread a message and
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reach the men who need to hear what we have to share.
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But the way that you're incentivized on social media only exacerbates the problem.
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It only makes guys like me and Tim Kennedy and other people want to share more elaborate
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things, want to do bigger things, want to have better pictures, want to have better stories.
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I think all of us who listen to this podcast are intelligent enough that I'm not saying it's
00:08:49.280
We're just explaining why some of that might exist.
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And social media is notorious for rewarding people for exaggerating and inflating stories.
00:09:06.200
And it's almost like a requirement to play the game kind of.
00:09:11.440
So that's my thoughts on the whole Tim Kennedy thing.
00:09:14.420
Like I said, I hope Tim owns it and gets better.
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And I hope everybody who's listening to this podcast does as well.
00:09:28.120
This one's, I was almost waiting on you because I'm so accustomed to that.
00:09:31.620
This one comes from, you said, should I have any, should I have zero doubts when trying
00:09:38.600
to decide if I should marry my current girlfriend?
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I think what he's saying is, should I be 100% certain?
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And I don't really know if the wording is correct.
00:10:03.700
You know, if there's, if there's things, behaviors in her or, or past behavior or something
00:10:11.420
that you see might be something that would come up in the future, then yeah, I think you
00:10:16.380
should be aware and concerned with some of those things.
00:10:19.480
If she just, if she does weird things like, I don't know, she snorts when she laughs.
00:10:25.060
Big, that probably I would think is not a deal breaker.
00:10:27.420
Or she makes a weird noise when she chews her food or something.
00:10:30.700
Like not a deal breaker, I would hope, but there might be other things that are.
00:10:35.520
And I think you have to determine what those are and then ask yourself if, um, if those
00:10:43.520
are, those are boundaries, if those are deal breakers for you.
00:10:48.140
Um, but yeah, you, you should always have some concern.
00:10:52.380
I would say yes, to answer the question directly, you should always have some healthy level of
00:10:58.220
And then in addition to that, you should always bring those things up.
00:11:02.000
So one area of life that I see this happen a lot is guys.
00:11:05.800
It's amazing to me how many men and women do not have, for example, financial conversations
00:11:19.600
So if, if you're in a relationship, I would hope that you ask about her spending habits,
00:11:28.780
I would hope that you guys know each other's debt scenario because heaven forbid you get
00:11:32.980
into a situation and all of a sudden you're strapped with a hundred thousand dollars worth
00:11:36.840
of student loan and consumer debt that you weren't aware of.
00:11:39.540
Well, welcome to being a hundred thousand dollars poorer because that is now half yours.
00:11:45.960
So you should have these concerns, not because you're paranoid or not because you're talking
00:11:52.840
yourself out of it, but because you need to have the conversations.
00:11:56.760
And if they're concerns outside of the practical stuff like finances and they're chronic concerns,
00:12:02.720
meaning they habitually come up or they're reoccurring over and over again, there's some
00:12:07.480
deeper conversations that need to happen before you're considering proposing or getting married.
00:12:16.780
Uh, Google used to have experts come on campus and they do these talks called Google talks.
00:12:22.280
And I don't remember the professor, but they had one particular Google talk and it was called
00:12:30.800
And it was fascinating because the whole premise was that as we have more choices,
00:12:41.920
And, and I always think of it as like old school, you know, if you were back in the day,
00:12:47.100
you had a village and there's, you know, three or six ladies to choose from in the village.
00:12:54.720
When you chose which one to marry, it was obvious that you chose the best, right?
00:13:02.780
But the minute we, we move into the 21st century and online dating,
00:13:08.040
what's the probability that you married the best person really low.
00:13:15.700
In fact, the probability is that there's probably someone better out there than who you chose,
00:13:22.200
which people then will say, well, did I choose right?
00:13:26.300
And then it causes a disruption in their choice.
00:13:30.360
And, and the other premise of the Google talk that I find fascinating was that the mentality
00:13:36.640
and confidence that you have in the decision matters more than the facts of the decision itself.
00:13:45.400
And so just a thought, if you can find the ideal girl, but if you're second guessing it,
00:13:53.540
your second guessing will determine outcome more than her.
00:14:04.380
I love what we said earlier, kind of be a realist.
00:14:14.480
So then that way you're not disrupted with failed expectations, you know, in, in six months,
00:14:19.560
but also have a level of confidence that it's a great decision.
00:14:24.200
And if you don't mark my word, it will disrupt that decision.
00:14:29.420
And you will second guess whether you're making the right decision or not.
00:14:32.860
And, and I kind of like this about you, Ryan, because although you may not use that language,
00:14:37.860
I hear you say this all the time, kind of follow my gut.
00:14:50.900
So you can't, you can't be second guessing what you're doing.
00:14:55.640
I guess when you make that decision, go all in, right.
00:15:00.420
So I think this begs the question, what is it that you should be considering?
00:15:08.000
And we, and we do throughout the podcast every single week.
00:15:12.500
I think this is a, if this is not already coined, we're going to coin it right here.
00:15:19.600
So the paradox of green grass could be that oftentimes we have our yard and it looks kind
00:15:25.740
of dirty and it's, the grass is brown and it's got some weeds in it.
00:15:29.660
And we look over down the road and we see a beautiful lawn that's green and lush and not
00:15:36.200
And we think, oh, that's better soil over there.
00:15:38.780
Like there must be something over there that's better.
00:15:46.620
The challenge is you haven't watered your own grass and put the nutrients and done the
00:15:51.260
aeration on your own grass to make sure that the issue isn't something that you can actually
00:15:58.460
So, and well, there's also the idea of settling, right?
00:16:02.440
Am I settling or am I just thinking the grass is greener over there?
00:16:06.460
And that's a paradox that could be really, really difficult for guys to answer.
00:16:10.340
I would say if you ever feel like you're settling, my thought is go all in first.
00:16:28.260
And if I'm doing all of that work and I'm still feeling like it's not getting greener,
00:16:34.160
okay, that's a greater sign than just saying, oh, yeah, see, this grass is lame.
00:16:54.580
Does she want to stay at home, finances, religion, kids, family planning?
00:17:02.660
Because the little things like, do you want your house decorated in blues or greens?
00:17:11.060
Whatever she says when it comes to house decorating is probably going to win.
00:17:14.320
But the point I'm making is that there's little things that you can figure out along the way
00:17:18.940
if you're compatible, but there's big things that compatibility is just, is never going to happen.
00:17:29.720
All right, let's go over to, oh, there was one more, I think, on Instagram,
00:17:34.860
Let me pull it up because it's in a different place.
00:17:38.220
So this one comes, I'm not going to say who it comes from, but,
00:17:41.860
well, I'll say this one because I'm sure he would love the shout out.
00:17:50.820
What are the biggest mistakes that you made while starting out?
00:18:12.340
The big things that would come to mind is inconsistency.
00:18:24.860
I did my own podcast editing until I was in the position where I could hire that out.
00:18:30.660
Chad Robeson's been doing it now for years at this point.
00:18:35.800
I've had a lot of guests on, some incredible, high-level, notable guests.
00:18:44.080
And I've had some guys just getting started, and I've had a lot in between.
00:18:47.140
I would say that make sure you get that ratio right.
00:18:53.440
You want to have notable guests, and you want to have other guests who haven't achieved that meteoric rise quite yet.
00:19:04.280
My audio and technical stuff, I feel like I did right.
00:19:11.940
And minor things came up, but I can't even think what they are because we just pivoted quickly.
00:19:15.840
The one thing I would say to be aware of now is in this environment is that I think video is important.
00:19:24.960
And we do video, and we did video at just the right time.
00:19:28.080
And also moving towards in-person interviews, I think, is going to be more and more important as we progress as well.
00:19:34.680
Because the path of least resistance for anything is not usually, I think, the best option.
00:19:41.360
And I'm not saying we need to make it harder on ourselves, but if it's the path of least resistance, guess where the crowd's going to go?
00:19:55.280
So if everybody's going left, you should go right.
00:19:58.360
If everybody's going up, maybe consider going down or under.
00:20:01.680
If everybody's doing virtual podcasts, maybe consider doing live.
00:20:05.020
If everybody's doing live in-person podcasts, maybe consider virtual.
00:20:07.920
The more that you can deviate from that intelligently, and that's a paradox too, though, because maybe the reason everybody's doing it one way is because that's the way that works, and they've already tried the other way.
00:20:19.380
So make sure you're not being stupid, but consider deviating from the crowd every once in a while.
00:20:30.860
During your interviews, you used to script it too much to focus on questions versus just having an open conversation, and you, in particular, being more curious.
00:20:46.580
Thank you for bringing me back down to reality a little bit.
00:20:52.180
I was trying to sweep it under the rug, but you keep bringing it up.
00:20:59.620
I actually don't think that was a mistake, though.
00:21:05.460
You know, I pivoted, but I didn't know any different.
00:21:09.120
So the mistake would have been not doing anything at all because I was worried about being perfect.
00:21:14.300
So, yes, I would not do that if I were to start a podcast now.
00:21:19.340
But also, if I were to start it, I have 10 years of experience doing it.
00:21:24.160
If I were to start a podcast without 10 years of experience, I might actually say, hey, make sure you come prepared with some questions because you don't want to get stuck and sound foolish.
00:21:35.740
So my advice to me would be different than my advice to somebody who's just starting out.
00:21:54.560
Anything else you want to point out, Kip, about how I'm underperforming?
00:22:01.140
But, you know, there is an interesting point in here, too, is my friend Pete Roberts with Origin calls them tuition payments.
00:22:22.360
And so what I would suggest is rather than saying, oh, that was a mistake, is say, hey, that was an expensive lesson.
00:22:31.760
But he learned a lesson, and he's not going to do it again.
00:22:36.440
You mess up, you're like, I mean, we've done some.
00:22:38.980
We made a batch of shirts that looked just like another company, and I spent thousands of dollars on a batch of shirts that I thought looked really good.
00:22:47.440
This was like seven or eight years ago because this company had a very rabid, loyal following.
00:22:57.220
And I reached out to the company, and I said, hey, look, I'm sorry I messed.
00:23:03.600
And he wrote back, and he's like, hey, man, it's cool.
00:23:17.100
And the rest just became really expensive garage towels.
00:23:29.360
Yeah, I've got one more, and I don't really know.
00:23:36.540
It just says, what are you most curious about in your healing slash growth journey right now?
00:23:42.100
I don't know if he's alluding to anything in particular or specific, but I mean, I'm always curious.
00:23:51.900
I am actually, one thing I am doing is going to get a DEXA scan tomorrow.
00:24:02.160
So if you guys don't know what that is, it's a full body scan.
00:24:05.820
And I'm not sure what type of technology it is.
00:24:09.760
But a full body scan, and it tells you what your body mass consists of.
00:24:15.460
So bone density, muscle mass, water weight, subcutaneous fat, visceral fat.
00:24:22.280
It just goes through all of it, and it tells you exactly where on your body all of this density or fat or whatever it might be is.
00:24:31.420
I just got some blood work done about three or four weeks ago.
00:24:35.820
So it's interesting to see that and how my body responds to different things.
00:24:42.800
So, yeah, I don't know if there's anything in particular or specific.
00:24:55.200
Like I guess maybe one thing like on my, what's the term you use?
00:25:08.080
We were up at Idaho a couple weeks ago, swung into the church, and, you know, just kind of like a drop in to attend church on Sunday morning.
00:25:19.700
And the leader that was facilitating the meeting, he was joyous.
00:25:33.500
And he had, I don't know, he just resonated with me.
00:25:36.800
I'm like, man, he's so joyful, at peace, and it was just great to talk with.
00:25:44.760
And it got me thinking, like, I'm wondering if that guy's life is perfect.
00:25:49.540
And my answer to that question in my own mind was probably not.
00:25:55.380
He's kids and difficult marriage and stresses at work.
00:25:58.720
But yet, how was he able to show him so happy all the time?
00:26:07.240
And I let outside things affect how I show up at home or at work.
00:26:12.920
And reality, when I pause and have a little bit more of an eternal perspective, I realize, like, life is great, man.
00:26:20.500
And I shouldn't be as triggered or upset about things as much as I should be.
00:26:26.540
And so that's just been on my mind of late, of how do I do that?
00:26:30.680
And also, like, is my intensity around the way things are part of my superpower?
00:26:51.360
You know, not to be a downer, but sometimes I don't believe people like that.
00:27:04.260
And maybe it's just because I'm looking at it through my own lens.
00:27:09.700
Would you like me to point out some things that you need to work on, Kip, like you did for me on the last question?
00:27:14.380
Because I can certainly tell you where you need to improve on your own journey.
00:27:39.440
So I've gotten more cocky and arrogant as I've hung out with Mickler and Mr. Perfect.
00:27:43.860
Well, I have the heart of a teacher, so that makes sense that you would learn that from me.
00:27:50.080
Dustin Stokes, how do you handle times when you and your ex have substantial disagreements on activities your kids want to do that involve inherent risks, such as riding dirt bikes, horses, ATVs, and et cetera?
00:28:05.260
She's afraid of injury and death, and I understand that.
00:28:08.280
While I'm certainly concerned for safety, but as Jordan Peterson says, you have to let your kids do dangerous things carefully.
00:28:15.500
I teach them safety wisdom, precaution technique, and invest in safety gear and coaching, but at the end of the day, there's always risk.
00:28:23.800
The communication between us on this topic isn't great, and you find yourself at a stalemate.
00:28:32.360
I actually have not run into this exact scenario, but I do have some thoughts on this.
00:28:39.560
Number one, it's always about the kids in this circumstance, right?
00:28:43.340
So just keep the attention on the kids, and don't let any sort of vitriol or animosity, ego, yeah, get in the way, or even just some contention towards her get in the way of the actual relevant topic, and it is relevant.
00:28:59.800
And also, if you notice her letting that happen, set up a little boundary.
00:29:07.300
I know we haven't always seen eye to eye on this and other things, but this is important to me,
00:29:11.860
and so let's keep the conversation on what's best for the kids.
00:29:15.600
And as a man, you should be redirecting when those types of things happen.
00:29:27.860
You can still validate it and be right, by the way.
00:29:31.000
So you might say, hey, look, I know you're concerned, and I know the reason you're concerned is because you love the kids as much as I do.
00:29:38.240
And I know that as a mother, your primary instinct is telling you nurture, protect, keep them safe, and I appreciate that about you.
00:29:47.840
Whoa, heaven forbid you say that about your ex, right?
00:29:52.560
But that said, my job is to help them learn how to face risks and take on new challenges and push themselves a little bit further.
00:30:06.880
Is there anything I could do that would help you or put your mind at ease when it comes to the kids riding dirt bikes and side-by-sides and jet skis and all the things?
00:30:17.480
And she might say—this would be amazing if she did, and I'm not saying she will, but she might just say,
00:30:22.360
yeah, you know what, if you just make sure that they never get on the dirt bikes without their boots, chest protector, and helmet, and gloves, I'm going to feel a lot better about that.
00:30:37.040
If you're at the lake and you just say, hey, can you just make sure the kids just always have their life vests on if they're playing in deep water or they're on their boat or whatever it may be?
00:30:56.260
Now, if she's still adamant about no, they're your kids too.
00:31:02.420
And barring something that's illegal or immoral or very, very dangerous that is likely going to put them in harm's way, you're their father.
00:31:11.600
You get to make those decisions, and she gets to learn how to deal with it because you two are divorced.
00:31:18.000
I'm not trying to be so brash about this, but here's what I would do is I would just make sure that you keep informing her.
00:31:24.700
So if you're talking to your ex, and you might send her a text, and it says, hey, I know you're concerned about the weekend.
00:31:36.660
Here's a picture of little Timmy on his dirt bike riding.
00:31:40.700
And just say, I'll keep you in the loop, but I just want you to know everybody's safe, happy, having fun.
00:31:47.220
Don't worry about that branch that has impelled his arm.
00:31:56.580
Okay, so the woman I'm dating is wanting to talk a little bit about lacrosse with one of her sons.
00:32:10.580
When we were talking about lacrosse, and her and I are standing there talking with the guy.
00:32:23.540
And the guy, my friend, I'm like, you know, tell her how dangerous it is.
00:32:30.260
You're going to have some muscle tears and things like that, but you're not going to get hit in the head.
00:32:35.980
He's like, oh, the injuries are significantly less catastrophic than football.
00:32:40.540
You're not going to have the traumatic brain injury stuff.
00:32:45.900
One time I did see a guy get impaled with a lacrosse stick.
00:32:58.040
And we had a good conversation, laugh about it.
00:33:00.300
But anyways, to go back to what we were talking about, just be respectful.
00:33:08.660
I mean, you can make an executive decision just as much as she's made executive decisions about things.
00:33:19.880
And be mindful of what she might be feeling, too.
00:33:26.220
Mike Arndorfer, when do you know it's time to call it quits and move on?
00:33:33.260
Be it a relationship, a profession, an activity, or an objective?
00:33:43.180
You have to be really, really honest with yourself.
00:33:45.720
Because it's very easy to deceive yourself because it's very easy to deceive yourself in moments like these.
00:33:48.940
And it doesn't matter if it's a relationship or a business venture or whatever it might be.
00:33:54.220
But number one, make sure you've tried everything.
00:34:02.380
If you're in a relationship and you're thinking about calling it quits, I mean, if you've been dating for two weeks, no problem.
00:34:07.940
If you've been together for two years, I think you owe it to her and yourself to try everything you possibly can to make sure the relationship can work.
00:34:17.200
If it's a business, make sure you've tried it all.
00:34:20.180
Marketing, bringing and coaching, pouring a little money into it if that's what's needed.
00:34:30.160
And once you've done that, then I think you have to ask yourself, is this something I even am interested in anymore?
00:34:41.800
And if your interest level is zero or non-existent, then you should move on.
00:34:47.880
If you've tried everything and you're no longer interested in it, just quit, pivot, change, adjust, whatever you need to do.
00:34:54.140
The trick is that it's easy, you said it earlier, justification, it's easy for us to say, ah, my heart's just not in it anymore.
00:35:03.300
And it actually be that it's just harder now that you're getting some progress or moving through.
00:35:10.440
Stephen Pressfield, the art of, excuse me, the war of art calls it the resistance.
00:35:17.160
The resistance comes up in a myriad of different ways.
00:35:20.660
In relationships, it might be a disagreement about something trivial, and that's resistance.
00:35:28.840
In a business, it might be you lose a client, or you don't have a great month in sales, and that's resistance.
00:35:36.420
In your physical fitness, it might be that you have an injury, you're right on track, and you have an injury, and it pushes you back a couple of months.
00:35:43.760
In finances, you finally get out of debt, and the damn transmission on the vehicle goes out, and you have to pay five grand for a new transmission.
00:35:54.740
I believe that the most successful people aren't the ones who don't have resistance.
00:35:59.620
They're the ones who can, A, anticipate it, and B, overcome it.
00:36:03.360
So I don't look at resistance as an end-all, like this is over.
00:36:11.820
So if I get into a discussion with my girlfriend about something, and we disagree, and we have a rough night because of it,
00:36:19.120
I look at it and say, well, this is something that we could fix.
00:36:22.900
We're actually going to be better on the other side of this.
00:36:25.340
If, in the business, I lose a client, I'm like, great, now I have time to go pursue different clients that might be even better.
00:36:35.640
And it's not always easy, but if you can get through that resistance on the other side is some great things that will happen.
00:36:41.820
So just make sure you're not confusing, this is hard and challenging, and it's resistance, with, I don't want to do this anymore, I quit.
00:36:49.360
I think one thing, and you alluded to it, I just want to call it out, is the focus of results and growth, right?
00:36:57.660
Sometimes we have a tendency to quit and move on when the hyper-focused is on the results and not the lesson or the growth opportunity in the struggle.
00:37:09.840
Because if you move on too quickly, did you learn?
00:37:15.840
Do a pivot until you reach that same roadblock again.
00:37:22.980
And, you know, we've chatted about this concept for years now.
00:37:27.540
I think most people pivot prematurely early because they don't want to address the struggle.
00:37:38.080
And so a lot of us will move on relationships and jobs and other things, and we lose out on the chance of growth.
00:37:46.460
And that growth is still staring at you in the eye, whether you pivot or not.
00:37:50.400
It's still the roadblock that is probably preventing us from success.
00:37:54.540
So learn it now, learn it later, or never learn it and never achieve.
00:37:59.580
But sooner or later, you've got to pay the price.
00:38:04.860
It's just sometimes it's growth that we need to be hyper-vigilant and focused on as part of the process.
00:38:14.620
This is akin to being on a health journey and then jumping on a scale on Monday morning and realizing that after a really good long weekend, you gained three pounds instead of lost half a pound or stayed the same.
00:38:27.400
And then because – and I'm not talking about myself.
00:38:29.620
This is not a story about myself from this weekend.
00:38:37.700
And then you look at the scale and you're three pounds heavier after this good weekend.
00:38:48.260
It's like, no, just lock it back in this week and you'll be fine.
00:38:56.960
Well, I mean, let's go back to the yard, right?
00:39:13.280
And how many times have you heard someone complain about the soil constantly being bad?
00:39:27.980
Because I never addressed the fact that I ruined the lawn in the first place.
00:40:07.860
Recently got heavily involved in the family tree farm as the acting president in order
00:40:15.820
My question is, when you're going through a busy season of life and you're stressed, how
00:40:20.920
do you stay on top of your four quadrants or alter your battle plan so it helps you versus
00:40:29.500
Well, so this is why I do not like the term work-life balance.
00:40:37.420
I just, I think it's a horrible term and I think it conjures up images of things that cannot exist.
00:40:44.340
Meaning you are symmetrically, perfectly balanced between all aspects of your life.
00:40:54.800
And I don't think if I live another 44 years, I ever will.
00:41:05.880
And so if you look at the four quadrants, imagine a vertical line and a horizontal line.
00:41:18.000
It's been way too long since I've been in real math.
00:41:20.240
But you have a vertical and a horizontal, okay?
00:41:21.960
And at the vertical, the top of the vertical line, you have calibration, which is your mental,
00:41:34.380
On the line, the horizontal line on the right, you have connection.
00:41:41.560
On the vertical line on the bottom, you have condition.
00:41:44.940
And on the horizontal line on the left, you have contribution, becoming a man of value work,
00:41:52.760
And you could only designate, let's say you only have 20 points that you can designate
00:42:02.520
And so some people might say, well, there's four quadrants.
00:42:14.140
And points are your amount of energy and effort towards the thing.
00:42:16.680
So that works out pretty good if everything's great.
00:42:18.540
But what happens when the family tree farm is potentially being sold?
00:42:27.100
So you can put a little bit more towards that tree farm, but it has to come from somewhere.
00:42:37.000
Maybe, heaven forbid, this is blasphemy, but maybe the jiu-jitsu takes a sidestep for a minute
00:42:42.000
for a couple days a week until you get it figured out.
00:42:52.880
And I know you're joking, but you're not wrong.
00:43:18.260
Well, this is where people fail because they double down on, we've just got to work harder,
00:43:31.140
Like, you have to get clear on what's going to give.
00:43:34.820
And that's what I'm picking up from what you're saying, Ryan, is you got to,
00:43:37.540
you got to identify what's the priority and what's going to pay the price.
00:43:41.880
Don't be naive and just go, well, just double down in that area.
00:43:47.720
And you're going to be frustrated because your expectation is, I'm going to do it all
00:43:51.500
versus you saying, hey, for a time season, I'm going to cut back in these areas and foster
00:43:57.980
more energy and attention in this particular space.
00:44:03.660
And there's one more strategy I'm going to share with you.
00:44:05.900
And before I do, I want to mention that I've just pulled it up because this is important
00:44:09.420
that I get it right, is that the x-axis is our horizontal line.
00:44:27.180
The other thing that you can do here is, you know, you hear a lot of people talk about,
00:44:36.200
We all have 24 hours, but there's a way that you can leverage it a little bit.
00:44:41.300
And that's by getting other people to do things.
00:44:44.400
And now if I have 24 hours, Kip, and you have 24 hours, and we're working towards the same
00:44:50.820
goal, then now we have 48 hours to dedicate towards the same goal.
00:44:55.020
So we just doubled the amount of time that we could put towards this.
00:45:05.920
His wife, maybe some business partners, his training partners, other family members.
00:45:15.900
So it's entirely appropriate to go to your wife and say, hey, hon, look, the family tree
00:45:23.120
I need to step in for the next 90 days because we don't want to force sell this thing.
00:45:28.340
We want to get it up and running, bring in a good buyer and get a good price because it's
00:45:33.280
But in order to do that, that means that I'm not going to be at home as quickly every night
00:45:44.260
Now, I don't need to do that every day of the week, but I'm going to need to do it at
00:45:53.420
I'll make sure the kids are run here and there.
00:45:56.040
On Wednesday nights, I can't because I have this thing.
00:45:59.900
But Tuesdays and Thursdays, yeah, that would work for the family.
00:46:03.180
She will step up that way if you communicate it.
00:46:06.180
If you go to your family and say, hey, look, family tree farm issue.
00:46:10.220
I can't do it all, but I can dedicate five hours a week to it.
00:46:30.600
Your training partners, you might say, hey, guys, like I can't come in the evenings anymore
00:46:35.260
because I got this thing, but I can be there at 5 a.m.
00:46:38.140
And out of 10 training partners, maybe four of them are like, hey, you know what?
00:46:45.680
Come up with some creative solutions to leverage your time a little bit and see if you can get
00:46:57.940
Do you guys, you know, can we shark tank for 30?
00:47:08.820
I already know, so you don't need to, I don't need the validation, so I'm good.
00:47:13.300
All right, Chris the Dude Davis on Battle Team Eagle.
00:47:17.860
This month, the topic is how to live an intentional life you are proud of.
00:47:25.580
How do you think it is important to live an intentional life?
00:47:36.880
I don't think there's a downside to living an intentional life.
00:47:41.420
But taken to the extreme, what it looks like is trying to control every aspect of your life,
00:47:55.600
Taking it too far, and now you're becoming, quote unquote, intentional about things that
00:48:00.280
you can't fix or change or tweak or adjust or control is just a recipe for disaster.
00:48:06.740
I think that's the biggest issue that people stumble into when it comes to living an intentional
00:48:11.880
Like, for example, if I do my entire battle plan today, I have it all listed out here,
00:48:18.260
And then I get a phone call and my son, knock on wood, has been in a car accident.
00:48:33.900
So let's not pretend like we're in control of our lives the way that we think we are,
00:48:39.760
because then it just is going to be really, really frustrating for you.
00:48:43.680
Um, but outside of that, I would say the best thing about intentionality is that you're going
00:48:52.680
If you want to lose weight and you know how to do it, which is to work out and eat cleaner,
00:49:01.240
And if you struggle throughout the week with overeating or not being able to eat when you're
00:49:07.460
in a like spur of the moment, you're like, God, I'll just run to McDonald's real quick
00:49:12.660
That's not intentionality because you know who is intentional in that situation?
00:49:17.020
McDonald's is really intentional about getting you to buy their hamburgers.
00:49:22.020
So if you're not intentional about the way that you live your life, other people are
00:49:26.320
going to be intentional about how they spend yours.
00:49:32.660
And in that situation I just gave you, if you know that throughout the week you have a
00:49:37.700
When I was doing financial planning, Burger King was right across the street from our
00:50:01.120
And I would tell myself, well, you know, I've got another meeting.
00:50:04.300
I got to run over there real quick because I've got another appointment.
00:50:06.080
I could have very easily made lunch before I came into work.
00:50:12.920
I could have very easily did some meal prep and food planning on Sunday night.
00:50:16.140
I didn't do that because I wanted to eat Burger King.
00:50:21.160
So yeah, be intentional about all aspects of your life, but don't let it rule and create
00:50:34.920
I think, well, you tell me if this is too much of a stretch.
00:50:38.500
I think there's an element of intentionality of, you know, being impulsive, right?
00:50:48.360
And then I think there's intentionality around all the things that we think we're being intentional
00:50:58.140
And I was writing, I literally was writing this down yesterday.
00:51:04.340
And so if you don't mind, I pulled up my phone.
00:51:07.420
I wrote, every day we're faced with hundreds of micro decisions, what to say, how to act,
00:51:14.120
how to prioritize, but not all choices feel like choices.
00:51:18.940
Many of them are shaped by other things, such as other people's expectations, fear of judgment,
00:51:27.780
desire to please, obligation or duty, or desire to look good or the avoidance of looking bad.
00:51:34.060
And while some of these may seem necessary, living this way will slowly disconnect us from
00:51:39.760
our purpose, our authenticity, and a level of peace.
00:51:44.860
And I was just, and that's part of intentionality.
00:51:48.460
Me personally, I think that most people do what they do.
00:51:55.360
Because someone asked me to, but I don't think it's the right thing.
00:51:58.760
Or maybe I'm part of a religious church or a group.
00:52:13.680
And I'm being acted upon by everybody around me, by my spouse, by my boss, by my coworkers,
00:52:22.660
And I'm not really, truly choosing and being intentional around where I spend my time and
00:52:32.580
And so I know that's a little bit deeper version of this, but I don't know.
00:52:37.980
I feel like often we are acting out of obligation and not choice.
00:52:43.300
And until it's a choice, a conscious choice, I don't, I want to put it in the category of
00:52:55.800
I was also thinking, Kip, as you were talking about it, this idea, you mentioned the word
00:53:00.060
earlier, and we just said it again, is this rigidity that people, that men often have.
00:53:05.660
And what I found is that the men who are the most rigid are also the most brittle.
00:53:11.400
You think that being rigid is a strength, and it can be in the right set of circumstances,
00:53:16.880
but if too much is at force against that rigidity, you'll become brittle and shatter.
00:53:30.700
When I moved to Maine, I put this big 25-foot flagpole in the ground, and I dug it, and I
00:53:36.340
poured the foundation, and I put the sleeve on there, and we were lifting the pole up as a
00:53:40.740
group of guys that came out for one of our events.
00:53:42.500
And I noticed this thing is made out of fiberglass.
00:53:47.640
We erected the flagpole, and I would watch it every once in a while from the window in
00:53:52.640
big windstorms, because I was like, man, this thing's going to go.
00:53:56.100
Well, it's made out of a material that's designed to flex to a degree in the wind, and it has
00:54:02.940
It has to flex, because if it doesn't, it's going to snap.
00:54:06.980
And it was interesting to see this thing sway back and forth, back and forth, and then
00:54:13.120
always come back to center when the forces against it subsided.
00:54:20.300
But the opposite is being too lackadaisical and just becoming flaccid.
00:54:28.620
And in that case, you put a flagpole up, and it's just going to wither and wilt onto the
00:54:35.800
So you have to find that right material, the right formula of rigidity versus flexibility.
00:54:49.880
Like, you see new guys come in, and I was, and I'm sure you were like this too, Kip, is
00:54:59.560
It's like tight and tense, and like, everything's like push, pull, fight, like, do everything
00:55:05.600
And then you see a guy like yourself and others who have been practicing for a long
00:55:18.660
It's thinking ahead, but planning for contingencies.
00:55:24.760
It's anticipatory, but it's also a willingness to just let it play out and happen, and then
00:55:31.340
adjust and pivot your game or your move based on it.
00:55:34.480
It's a really beautiful thing when you see it in jiu-jitsu, and it's a beautiful thing
00:55:38.120
when you see it in other aspects of life, and you see a man navigate his life that way.
00:55:42.760
You know, it's funny you bring up the flagpole.
00:55:45.800
I remember when we put that flagpole in, thinking, shouldn't this be like metal?
00:55:54.840
I thought, this thing's going to bust, but it's wild.
00:56:04.640
It was, that was a cool, it was, I remember who else, like Bubba was there.
00:56:17.060
We were going to do a big event, but we only ended up bringing like 10 guys.
00:56:23.360
Was Jordan there or he may, either he's going to or he was there.
00:56:31.460
Um, Ron, Ron Christopher, what advice would you, uh, would you have to someone who feels
00:56:38.020
like they've been living for other people for most of their life, only doing things that
00:56:43.720
would get approved from others versus doing things that are for me and bring me joy.
00:56:47.780
I find it hard to make that shift to a living for myself, not at the expense of others, but
00:56:53.800
simply having my own identity trying to do so makes me feel lost.
00:56:59.400
You know, the biggest challenge for men like Ron in this, in this aspect is that they can't
00:57:07.640
imagine having boundaries and communicating desires without coming across like an asshole.
00:57:16.900
And the fear of being perceived as the asshole so much that they just don't even touch it.
00:57:25.500
Like if I say no, if I put my own desires in the moment ahead of somebody else, then I'm
00:57:34.800
Like, and they don't want to be like that rightfully so, but the interesting thing is
00:57:39.340
that a guy like Ron with healthy boundaries, it's going to be really, really difficult for
00:57:44.500
somebody like that to be a jerk to somebody else.
00:57:52.600
So what I would say from a real practical standpoint, and it's more practical for me to tell
00:57:59.600
It's more important for me to tell you the practical steps to implement than the high
00:58:05.980
I think most nice guys do, but what can you do in practicality?
00:58:09.800
The first thing that you need to do is today, write out everything that you want at a life.
00:58:37.480
And you want to travel the country with them as they go.
00:58:41.700
At least one of his daughters, I think is in college.
00:58:43.860
You want to go travel the country and watch her play?
00:58:46.760
Like whatever you want to do, write it all down.
00:58:49.720
And then look at the list and you can see what is feasible.
00:58:54.940
You traveling around to go watch your daughter plays, probably not feasible for the entire season.
00:59:05.060
If you want to change the way the backyard looks, you could do that.
00:59:10.980
And I'm not saying be wild, like be prudent still.
00:59:13.440
And I'm saying this to Ron because I know he is.
00:59:15.760
And then you're going to communicate that list to the people who will be impacted by it.
00:59:22.540
So you're going to go to your wife and you're going to say, hey, hon, I've really been thinking about this.
00:59:28.120
In the springtime, I'd really like to go watch our daughter play softball in these five states.
00:59:37.180
And I just want to let you know I'm going to be doing that.
00:59:40.540
But I also want to coordinate with you because, A, I'd like you to come with me.
00:59:46.080
So we need to figure out how to make that work.
00:59:48.720
And, B, I want to see if there's any conflicts that we can work around so that I can make sure all the needs around here are being met.
00:59:56.200
You would be surprised how often when you assert yourself that way, people are like, oh, that's an awesome idea.
01:00:03.980
Yeah, let's do this, this, this, this, and this.
01:00:06.520
And now all of a sudden, you're enlisting people who care about you in your dreams and visions rather than just doing everything for them.
01:00:18.240
But they don't know right now because you're not being vocal about it and you're being a whipping boy.
01:00:22.940
And I don't even think most of the time it's nefarious.
01:00:30.060
And then here's another really practical thing you can do.
01:00:40.760
So if a client calls and says, hey, can I meet today at 6 p.m.?
01:00:59.600
If your wife says, hey, on the way home from work, can you run this errand?
01:01:06.800
If you can't do it because you have a conflict, I'm sorry.
01:01:15.080
Or you can do it in a free moment and I'll do this.
01:01:19.580
The more that you learn to say no appropriately in a healthy way, the easier it becomes.
01:01:24.000
And the more you realize it's not the end of the world.
01:01:27.480
If your wife's like, hey, can you do this thing?
01:01:29.200
And you say, I can't tonight, but I can do it tomorrow.
01:01:31.920
She's probably gonna be like, oh, yeah, that makes sense.
01:01:33.980
As long as you get it done tomorrow, I'm good with that.
01:01:39.200
But you have to do it to see it and experience it.
01:01:42.380
Do you think there's a level of weight that we put on people when we're not assertive with what we want?
01:01:49.000
I just, I'm thinking about past relationships where, you know, I was dating someone and it was just like everything had to be, like, it almost felt like I was making all the decisions on them.
01:02:05.500
And so is there, I don't really understand burden.
01:02:15.600
Well, like, for instance, if, if I'm overly focused on appeasing you, Ryan, then everything I do goes through you.
01:02:28.440
And eventually you are like, dude, just make a decision already.
01:02:31.380
Like, I don't want, there's, there's a, there's a burden we place on people when we're overly appeasing to them because everything is on them to make a decision versus us just being assertive and communicating what we want and, and going after those things.
01:02:49.480
I feel like most people that you interact with want to be considered, but they don't want to make the decisions.
01:02:59.020
So a small example of that might be with Farron is, hey, hon, how's your calendar look Friday?
01:03:07.680
I'd like you to take, take you out on Friday night.
01:03:12.740
Um, I'm going to take you to this amazing Thai food, uh, Thai, Thai restaurant, new Thai restaurant in town.
01:03:19.400
Well, if she has like irritable bowel syndrome, then, you know, taking her to a spicy Thai food place probably isn't really considering the fact that she's not going to really enjoy that.
01:03:30.800
So maybe don't take her to the Thai food place.
01:03:34.440
But if you know, she really loves sushi, then what you should do is say, hey, hon, how's your, how's your schedule Friday?
01:03:49.180
Be ready with that dress because we're going to have a good night.
01:03:55.180
You made the decision, but you considered her and she knows you considered her.
01:04:01.940
They want to be considered in the process or in the, in the thought process, in the plans, but they just want you as a man to make the decision.
01:04:11.780
Because you get to do the things that you want to do.
01:04:15.280
You get to go decide where you go to eat and you get to decide what activities.
01:04:20.440
And then also you have to consider that people are adults.
01:04:24.020
So if you said, hey, hon, I got us a place of the Japanese, the sushi place.
01:04:33.440
There's another one that I heard was really good.
01:04:36.900
You have to assume that people are adults and they'll make decisions and they can use their words to tell you no or something different if that doesn't work for them.
01:04:50.820
Third, a lot of people who run solo business, businesses dream about building a team, but that transition is a whole journey in itself.
01:04:58.600
It's usually involves a big shift, both in how you think and how you lead.
01:05:03.560
What was the breaking point or breakthrough moment that made you realize you couldn't keep doing it all yourself?
01:05:14.600
Well, the shift for me was more along the lines of I didn't want to do it myself.
01:05:28.400
I wasn't like, oh, man, I just really can't handle this anymore.
01:05:38.240
And so most of my decisions about bringing people in have been that.
01:05:42.120
Another factor would be I don't know how to do this and I'm not good at this.
01:05:49.060
So we brought in Chris Gatchko to be our event planner.
01:05:52.060
He's got tons of experience in logistics and running big conferences.
01:05:56.460
So to answer the second part of that question, he was a good fit because he's got the experience
01:06:02.320
And he's part of our organization as a member, which means that he believes in and buys into
01:06:09.580
So whenever I need something, I usually turn to the Iron Council first.
01:06:14.560
So Chris Gatchko, Kip, you and doing this podcast together is an example of how that happened.
01:06:20.260
Chad Robeson, who does our podcast editing, he's an Iron Council guy.
01:06:24.640
Josh Wellman does our marketing, branding, and newsletter.
01:06:32.040
Like I always turn to the Iron Council first for solutions because I know those people believe
01:06:47.940
But yeah, I think the biggest thing is twofold.
01:06:50.820
I didn't want to do it or I couldn't do it as good.
01:06:54.100
And then I've always had this mindset of, well, I don't know if it's always, but I have this
01:07:09.100
It's a better product, but it's also more fun for me.
01:07:13.640
Doing events and having Chris be part of it, not only is the event better because he knows
01:07:18.100
things that I don't, it's just more fun to do it together.
01:07:22.280
And then to bring, and even Kip to see what you're doing now with your leadership development
01:07:27.560
stuff, you're running events and you're having workshops and you're doing courses and you're
01:07:33.100
And I'm not going to say that it's a direct result of what we're doing, but I'm pretty
01:07:39.280
well certain that it's, it was an influential part of the process.
01:07:43.360
And it's, it's given you a platform to test things, to say different things, to try things,
01:07:53.580
And now you're in the place where you, you can go do that.
01:07:56.100
And to me, when I see you do that, like I see you succeed in those areas, I, I'm flattered.
01:08:04.440
I'm excited because I know that we were a small part of it.
01:08:13.560
You know, when I read this question from Chris, you know, I, I went to like my first employee,
01:08:20.240
And, and I think that's kind of the spirit of his questions, like the first time, you
01:08:24.760
know, and yeah, and it is a big shift because you're like, all right, this, I'm going to
01:08:28.500
convince someone that they should quit their job and put their, their livelihood on my payroll.
01:08:41.380
I remember that shift and made me really nervous.
01:08:43.820
And so I, I, I get that Chris, like that's a big pivot for me.
01:08:49.380
That breakthrough was, I can only go as far as I can go on my own.
01:08:55.040
And, and I'm shooting myself in the foot here by my lack of taking a risk of enlisting someone
01:09:02.960
And, and you use this term, you know, hiring guys from the iron council.
01:09:09.120
They're enrolled in regards to what you're doing.
01:09:16.460
And then the other thing is, I think that first, like one or two employees, they got
01:09:24.080
Like they, they got to like do sales, some operational stuff.
01:09:29.780
Like they, they got to be totally like, they just got to be hustling and scrappy because
01:09:36.820
the probability is you don't have a full seat in the bus for them yet.
01:09:42.080
You have five seats for them, but you don't have the money for all five seats to be filled.
01:09:47.360
And you need someone that's just going to be willing.
01:09:51.240
They're, they're aligned around the cause of what you're wanting to achieve.
01:09:55.620
And they're willing to jump between seats to make it work.
01:09:58.840
Just almost like a mini version of a business owner.
01:10:01.780
I think that first employee kind of has to have that mentality.
01:10:08.320
That's such a good descriptor for what you're talking about.
01:10:11.740
You need guys who are just going to get in a fight and get it done.
01:10:14.140
You need like, like the Nate Diaz is of, of entrepreneurship.
01:10:22.160
And he's going to get beat up, but then he's going to win and he's going to flip people
01:10:32.660
You know, there's another, there's another cool thing that I like too.
01:10:37.080
I wouldn't say it's altruistic necessarily, but there is a thing about just wanting to
01:10:45.480
An example, we've talked about Chad a couple of times in this podcast who will, who will
01:10:52.500
When, when we initially started working together, he was doing other work.
01:10:59.480
He wanted to get into this and he may have had a client or two.
01:11:03.200
And, and I said, yeah, I'll, I'll have you do it.
01:11:07.420
No, probably not, but he knew enough and the cost was fair and reasonable.
01:11:15.400
But I will never forget the day that he messaged me and said, Hey man, I just put in my two weeks
01:11:24.400
And part of the reason is because I gave him a job and I introduced Chad to half a dozen
01:11:38.320
Just to know that Chad and Josh and other people are succeeding and you got to be part of their
01:11:44.900
Like that just feels, unless you've experienced it, it's really hard to articulate how good
01:12:03.000
I mean, it's the, it's the joy of the, of the leadership.
01:12:08.220
And seeing your team win, you know, and it's about their development.
01:12:18.640
Cause you get the services and everything else that you need.
01:12:23.840
Let's do one more and then we got to call it, call it today.
01:12:27.440
Jim L'Oreal, I've gone through two breakups since March.
01:12:32.080
Actually, since 2023, my romantic relationships seem to follow the same pattern.
01:12:37.340
I attract a woman, but after a few months, things start to fizzle out.
01:12:41.600
They start getting snippy and disrespectful, almost as if they're testing me and then they
01:12:48.940
I know part of the problem is handling those situations too passively.
01:12:52.080
What are your thoughts on that and any other thoughts on making relationships last long
01:13:00.500
I didn't catch that second part when I first read it, read it, but he said he's been too
01:13:09.660
I don't think there's like an exam, you know, a written exam that she's administering that
01:13:14.880
she got from some like dating coach or something.
01:13:17.860
Right, but I think subconsciously this is what a lot of women do, probably most, because
01:13:25.400
they want to know, like, is this a guy who's going to hold his own?
01:13:29.020
And what's interesting is you said two to three months.
01:13:36.600
It's like, oh, this is a person that I'd actually like to spend more time with.
01:13:40.240
This is a person that I'm thinking about now as a long-term partner.
01:13:43.380
This is a person who maybe at some point I'll ask for her hand in marriage and she's thinking
01:13:52.800
It's not as lighthearted anymore as it's not just fun.
01:13:56.340
It's fun, but it's also thinking about the long-term relationship.
01:13:59.980
So yeah, she probably is at that point a lot more serious.
01:14:03.920
I don't know about snippy or whatever terms you used, but she's probably a lot more serious
01:14:11.020
about you after a couple of months because things are getting more serious.
01:14:17.660
And you said it yourself, you handle it too passively.
01:14:25.220
Be careful of being so passive that she just thinks you're going to get railroaded by her
01:14:30.180
or other people all the time because that's not attractive to women.
01:14:33.920
Instead, assert yourself, learn to assert yourself, read No More Mr. Nice Guy.
01:14:39.740
That's a really good book that will help on some of this stuff.
01:14:44.000
The Assertiveness Workbook is another resource that I've often recommended and gone through
01:14:48.200
myself to make sure that I'm being assertive in communication.
01:14:50.960
Having boundaries, setting boundaries, talking about hard things.
01:14:57.800
If you notice what a lot of guys will do, and I've done this too, is they'll notice red flags
01:15:03.280
or certain issues in the relationship and they'll just never bring it up because it's awkward
01:15:08.320
Like, bring it up in a tactful, respectful way, but bring it up and be curious.
01:15:20.120
Like, hey, I noticed that you get agitated when this happens.
01:15:30.060
I want to know so I'm better equipped to be able to have a better relationship together.
01:15:33.740
Like, or I noticed that when I do this thing or say this thing, you seem to be upset about
01:15:39.220
that, but I'm not sure where the disconnect is, but I would really like to know because
01:15:43.360
maybe there's a solution that we can come up with that makes us both happy.
01:15:50.240
When she does get quote unquote snippy with you, you don't need to react to that.
01:15:55.640
Now, you might say, hey, hon, let's take a pause for a second because we're having this,
01:16:00.920
I think it's a good discussion, but I feel you getting more and more agitated and I'm
01:16:07.920
It feels like you're mad at me or you're upset with me or something.
01:16:13.160
And the tone of the conversation typically changes when you do things like that.
01:16:17.180
You're not accusing, you're just being curious.
01:16:20.040
And then she's going to think to herself, even subconsciously, oh, this is a guy who's
01:16:28.040
This is a guy who can say things respectfully, but has boundaries.
01:16:33.220
And if he has them with me, he probably has them with other people.
01:16:42.700
I can't help but assume that if any of these three relationships kept going, he would just
01:16:51.340
be in a relationship with them, whether he was really into the relationship or not.
01:16:59.480
So then I'm kind of like, so what are you doing?
01:17:01.920
Like all these, all three of these ladies were awesome or were they just convenient and you
01:17:08.920
were letting them dictate the outcome of the relationship.
01:17:12.580
And I think it, it, there's a little bit of a theme to this call.
01:17:15.660
Surprisingly, that never happens when you do AMAs, but, but this just choose them.
01:17:29.960
And, and, and just be assertive in that relationship and be very clear what it is that you're looking
01:17:37.920
for and, and kind of show up in a way that they want to come along with you, not you going
01:17:45.340
along with them because there's some weight to that.
01:17:49.000
They, they don't want to have to take care of you, you know, and there's not safety to
01:17:58.700
I don't know if that's true for you, Jim, but just something to consider that would you
01:18:04.520
You, the only reason why you're not in the relationships because they ended it and you
01:18:07.820
would have been going along to get along this whole time.
01:18:12.060
You know, it's, it's, um, I'm interested in what you said because we often hear the analogy
01:18:17.500
of the tugboat versus the lighthouse and the tugboat will go down, both serve the same purpose
01:18:23.260
to safely navigate ships across the shoreline and the tugboat will go down and get slammed
01:18:29.080
by the waves and beat up by the waves and they're pushing and they're pulling and manipulating
01:18:31.980
the ships in order to get them where they want to go.
01:18:34.380
And a lighthouse does the same thing, warns of coastline and directs traffic and flow and
01:18:39.880
But the shit, the lighthouse stands firm, right?
01:18:44.380
This is the, the lighthouse is not going to move.
01:18:47.280
But sometimes you, no analogy is perfect, but let's flesh this out just a little bit
01:18:52.480
because sometimes you hear the argument that, well, in a relationship you have to give, be
01:19:00.440
I would say a lighthouse could, let's say, for example, um, a lighthouse can never come
01:19:07.040
down from their post necessarily, but could they change the bulb?
01:19:11.040
And, and they're, and they're, and they're light.
01:19:19.720
Could they paint the tower to be red instead of blue?
01:19:23.840
Like there's things that you can do, but you don't leave your post.
01:19:27.640
And I think in a relationship, what that looks like is learning how to communicate more
01:19:32.680
You're still communicating your needs, wants, and desires, but you're doing it in a way that
01:19:39.300
Um, making small sacrifices or, um, uh, compromises in order to let her know that she's important
01:19:48.940
and you care about her and you want her in your life.
01:19:51.040
Like there's things that you can do without leaving your post as a lighthouse and you should
01:19:55.700
Well, and, and, and it's interesting because it's, it's, we want to honor choice.
01:20:00.820
I think it's the mindset by which we do the compromise or we make the adjustment, right?
01:20:06.200
So if, if I make an adjustment in the relationship, but it's with resentment, that's not a choice.
01:20:17.100
But if I can go, Hey, you know, I'm willing to do that and, and I'm going to make a conscious
01:20:23.280
choice to, to give in this area because it's important to me, then that's different than
01:20:27.940
me just doing it because I'm trying to mitigate her upset.
01:20:31.720
And then I'm going to hold it against her and have some resentment because I compromised.
01:20:38.860
The other one's just being passive and, and be kind of being blown around.
01:20:46.320
It's a tough one, but I would say, as you were saying earlier, you're becoming the common
01:20:55.340
And figure it out so you can learn and so you can screw it up and have a good relationship
01:20:59.000
to, and, and maybe screw it up in the next couple of relationships until you get it right.
01:21:02.680
It's like, that's, that's part of the path, right?
01:21:10.080
We talked about socials, obviously to K to stay connected with Ryan on X and Instagram.
01:21:17.220
The other thing is just a call out, visit order man.com for a order man swag, but also to
01:21:23.220
sign up for the newsletter that keeps you in contact with the upcoming events and other
01:21:28.760
things that we have going on in both the iron council as well as just order man as a whole.
01:21:36.460
Also, we've, I've been working hard on our divorce, not death course.
01:21:40.020
So if you're in the midst of a divorce and you're trying to get through that divorce,
01:21:45.460
navigate the financial ramifications, co-parenting, single fatherhood, maybe even at some point
01:21:49.980
dating again, divorce, not death.com will take you to the waiting line.
01:21:55.960
So you'll be the first to be notified when that thing opens up, which should be in the
01:22:04.960
It's really going to be helpful for a lot of guys.
01:22:16.380
And guys, you guys had some great questions as always.
01:22:21.260
I will be back on Friday for your Friday field notes.
01:22:24.980
Until then, go out there, take action and become the man you are meant to be.
01:22:28.620
Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.
01:22:35.780
You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.
01:22:39.820
We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.