The Pareto Principle, Overcoming Despair, and Why the Basics Always Win ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING
Episode Stats
Words per Minute
191.66977
Summary
In this episode of the Ask Me Anything podcast, we have Jay back on the show! Jay and I have been friends for a long time, and he has been a part of the Iron Council for a number of years. We talk about a variety of topics, but the main topic of discussion today is how to find the next big goal, and resisting complacency.
Transcript
00:00:00.000
I've seen a lot of people get wrapped up in the minutia.
00:00:09.240
It's the things that are going to produce 80% of the results.
00:00:18.360
20% of the work you're doing is going to produce 80%.
00:00:23.640
Get the 80% stuff done and then fill it in from there.
00:00:31.520
You were here a couple of weeks ago, and here we are again doing a Ask Me Anything this time.
00:00:41.040
You and your son started a podcast as well, so you feeling like you're a professional yet or what?
00:00:53.040
After this, with the reach that we have, you're just going to hit the spotlight, and it's going to take off from there.
00:01:11.500
I know you're doing some podcasting, and of course, we've been friends for a long time.
00:01:14.620
And the men that you work with inside of our group and inside of our exclusive brotherhood, the Iron Council, all really respect you and appreciate you.
00:01:26.180
And so I figured, well, we might as well have the guy on the podcast to talk about some questions.
00:01:33.720
We've got, I think, quite a few or several from over inside the Iron Council, which is open right now for enrollment at orderofman.com slash ironcouncil.
00:01:43.220
And then I think we have some over on Facebook as well, and I'm sure we'll get to all of them or as many as we can today.
00:01:50.660
Yeah, the first one comes from an Iron Council member, a new Iron Council member, Randy Norville.
00:01:59.720
After achieving a big goal, what is your process for finding the next big goal and resisting complacency?
00:02:05.420
For example, if you reach your desired position and salary at work, but you have 30 years left in your career, do you find another position salary?
00:02:17.480
Do you find another position in salary as an objective?
00:02:24.440
I think when I hear that, sometimes I feel like we might just be chasing after the next biggest and best thing.
00:02:30.700
And I've done that in my life where I've reached certain income goals and I get there.
00:02:41.280
You know, and I think that's why when we do our planning and if any man who's listening to this is missing this aspect of his plan, it's his vision.
00:02:49.760
So what is my process is to go back to my vision and ask myself how my objectives, in this case, making more money on an annual basis, going to fulfill my mission.
00:03:07.780
There's a lot of financial objectives that one could have that will move them closer to what they want to accomplish.
00:03:13.120
For example, with me, one of my ideas when it comes to my vision is to be fully present and available for my kids, activities, sports, events, and outings and dances for my daughter.
00:03:31.340
And so I always evaluate what my objectives are based on what my vision is.
00:03:40.120
What was important for me this year might be completely different next year based on both internal desires and external factors.
00:03:50.180
I've got mine right here, and I use it every single day, is the tool.
00:03:54.400
And if you just extract one element and say, okay, well, now how do I choose a new quadrant or a new objective in each one of these quadrants?
00:04:02.040
You're missing the other components of the battle plan, which is the vision.
00:04:05.060
Then you have your objectives, then you have your tactics, and then you have your after-action review.
00:04:12.920
So what Randy needs to go do is say, all right, let's do an after-action review.
00:04:26.360
And then go back to your vision and say, okay, based on this now,
00:04:30.220
how does having an extra 20% of income each year tie back into what I want,
00:04:36.460
whether it's spending more time with the kids or having a deeper connection with your wife
00:04:40.040
or paying down debt and not being hampered by credit card companies and creditors beating down your door.
00:04:50.760
something greater that's always moving and propelling you forward
00:04:55.720
Yeah, and one of the things that we talk to the new guys about when they're creating their visions
00:05:01.040
in the Iron Council is that at some point, you're going to wake up,
00:05:04.720
and you're going to realize you've reached that vision.
00:05:06.840
And at that point, two things are going to happen.
00:05:10.360
One might be, hey, I need to move the goalpost a little further
00:05:13.200
because I didn't realize what I was truly capable of.
00:05:16.420
Or two, it could be as simple, and I hate to use the word as maintenance,
00:05:23.900
So the example I think of there is in my law enforcement career,
00:05:30.000
And at that point in my career, would I have liked to have gone up to captain,
00:05:38.140
I knew what my vision held for retirement, and the timing just wasn't going to be there.
00:05:44.400
Now that the objective work-wise became be the best lieutenant I can be, right,
00:05:49.580
and serve the men and women who worked under me.
00:05:52.980
So it wasn't so much as, you know, keep moving forward or keep getting promoted.
00:06:00.860
The objective became, how can I be a better lieutenant?
00:06:02.700
How can I serve the men and women under me better?
00:06:06.560
Well, I think that's a good point because a lot of the times when we think about
00:06:11.640
we think about achieving an income goal, for example,
00:06:15.440
and then finding something that might be completely different than that goal itself.
00:06:21.100
And what I found a lot of the times, especially if what you're doing is working,
00:06:28.320
So, for example, you might be on a really solid strength training program,
00:06:34.220
and it's working well, you're leaning out, but you're building muscle mass in the meantime,
00:06:39.620
and you're hitting some goals on your lifts, and you're feeling good about where you are,
00:06:44.060
or maybe you're not seeing the progress as quickly as you'd like,
00:06:52.740
They're like, well, I guess I got to do something different.
00:06:54.900
And a lot of the times, men mistake action for prudence,
00:06:58.460
meaning if we're just moving and doing different things, we're being prudent.
00:07:01.880
Sometimes, yes, but just action in and of itself,
00:07:05.880
if it's misaligned or miscalculated, isn't prudence.
00:07:10.200
So, you might say, instead of going on to a new program,
00:07:15.340
ask yourself, am I doing this thing to the nth degree?
00:07:27.000
Have I fueled my body properly over the past 24 hours?
00:07:32.120
And then maybe you want to come up with something that's in the same vein,
00:07:35.960
like I'm going to do a strength training competition,
00:07:38.960
or I'm going to do a bodybuilding show or whatever,
00:07:42.200
but it's in the same vein as what you're currently doing.
00:07:48.400
Ask yourself in those moments if you're doing the best you could possibly do.
00:07:52.840
And I think that's what you're talking about, Jay, is,
00:07:58.260
And now I'm going to be the best lieutenant this department has ever seen before.
00:08:01.740
And then start articulating what that is and stepping into that more fully.
00:08:20.240
how do I navigate separations that doesn't lead to divorce?
00:08:26.560
My wife and I have had a rough go over the past four years.
00:08:29.280
I've been consistent the past few weeks with finally being a better man and husband,
00:08:33.620
but I fear that I caught on too late, too little and too late.
00:08:39.680
And you know, the reality is you may have, and I know that's not the best thing to hear.
00:08:44.960
I certainly had that was as I was going through my divorce.
00:08:48.760
When my ex told me she wanted a divorce, we didn't finalize it until about six months after.
00:08:54.300
And I spent six months really trying to improve myself, really trying to be there and present for her and the kids.
00:09:00.820
And at that point it was, it was too little, too late.
00:09:07.680
I don't want to talk about that because those are things that we don't like to hear.
00:09:16.480
And as I was going through the early stages of my divorce, I would talk with him and he would coach and mentor me and guide me.
00:09:25.140
He said, Ryan, you only have one play left in your playbook at this point.
00:09:30.500
If you have any hope of winning her back, you have one play.
00:09:37.700
And there's something liberating about that, that you know whether or not you stay together or whatever happens, it's the one play.
00:09:48.420
You have to become the best version of yourself.
00:09:51.540
And I'll get a little bit more granular with what I mean by that.
00:09:54.880
But I will tell you one other important factor.
00:10:08.500
Because if you're making those changes for her, it's going to come across as manipulation.
00:10:17.220
And she's going to assume, because I'm assuming that this has probably either been going on for a long period of time or has happened at another point in your life,
00:10:25.760
that she is going to assume that you're going to do just enough in all the right ways to win her back.
00:10:31.380
And then you're going to slip back into old patterns.
00:10:34.440
And so what men will do is they'll buy her gifts and they'll start doing the dishes and they'll behave and they'll do all the projects around the house and they'll be more present and they'll make sacrifices at work to be there at family.
00:10:48.440
Some of those things I did for the right reasons because that's what a good man should do.
00:10:53.400
And others I did because I wanted her to see that I was changing.
00:11:09.220
And we use it because it's a framework that is proven to work.
00:11:11.720
So, when I say make yourself the project, the first thing I'm saying is get right mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.
00:11:35.860
Have a vision of what you want your life to look like.
00:11:39.020
Why it's important that you as a man and a father and a husband show up in this particular way.
00:11:44.120
Whatever that vision is, is going to help guide and direct you as you move forward.
00:11:49.740
Getting right mentally and spiritually and emotionally.
00:11:52.920
Next is you need to start working on your connections.
00:12:03.480
You need to work on the connections that you not only have with her.
00:12:06.780
But you also need to work on the connections you have with your kids.
00:12:10.340
And you need to work on the connections that you have with your friends.
00:12:23.720
Then you're going to need to have a good tight-knit band of brothers around you.
00:12:34.420
And trying to fix the relationship in this moment.
00:12:47.220
So, right now you should be fueling your body correctly.
00:12:50.860
You should be hitting the gym every single day.
00:12:53.880
Not only is it going to be good for your soul and your mindset.
00:12:57.900
You're going to start looking and feeling better about yourself.
00:13:02.220
And you're going to need that energy as you go through this process.
00:13:10.660
Sometimes we're rewarded for the contributions that we provide.
00:13:15.360
In the form of getting paid at work, for example.
00:13:33.220
So, maybe there's a new designation that you can pick up for work.
00:13:38.480
Maybe there's a new course that you need to learn.
00:13:40.760
And develop a skill set that's going to help you get paid.
00:13:45.420
But whatever you can do to make yourself the project in those four realms.
00:13:53.760
Because if you only do it if she responds the way that you quote unquote want her to.
00:14:08.580
So, figure out what kind of man you want to be.
00:14:20.120
And, you know, Jay, everybody has had challenges in our relationships.
00:14:33.840
But working on yourself, making yourself a project, and focusing on those four realms is the only play you have left.
00:14:43.020
And, I mean, in the end, that's the only thing you truly control, right?
00:14:48.980
And I think about, as you're talking, you know, like you said, every marriage has its difficulties.
00:14:54.680
And for me personally, with my anger issues that I had in the past, I eroded a lot of trust.
00:15:02.120
And that trust is going to take time to build back up.
00:15:05.060
But your point of anybody can be good for six months, right?
00:15:12.100
Let's see, it takes time to build that trust up.
00:15:18.560
But the bottom line is, it's on us to build that trust back up when we're the ones that eroded.
00:15:24.380
And it's our responsibility to take care of ourselves.
00:15:29.600
And then, you know, if we're doing it for somebody else and you hit on this, it's never going to last.
00:15:35.300
And the other problem with that is you're going to build up resentment, right?
00:15:38.240
If you don't truly believe you're doing it for the right reasons or for yourself, certain things that you're doing, you're going to build resentment.
00:15:47.640
So, you know, control what you can control and take care of yourself so that whether it's your wife, a future relationship, your kids, you can take care of them.
00:15:57.980
I mean, that's the reality is that whether the marriage works out, and I hope it does.
00:16:03.620
I'm praying, literally praying that it does because I know you.
00:16:09.680
But whether or not it does or doesn't is not entirely within your control.
00:16:16.180
And by doing it this way, you're either going to be the best husband for your wife or you're going to be the best man for the next woman who does, at some point, come into your life.
00:16:27.340
And that will happen if that's the route that you two decide to go.
00:16:31.080
But I'm telling you, just the biggest thing here, guys, anybody who's going through a divorce, and I've done this the wrong way and the right way in my divorce.
00:16:39.300
Sometimes I nail it, and other times I really miss the mark.
00:16:45.000
Don't do things to get her attention or to get her validation or her acknowledgement or accolades or pats on the head and the good boy and the attaboys.
00:16:57.340
I mean, it really – you're stepping down from the mantle that you should have stepped up on to begin with, and it's repulsive to her.
00:17:07.520
She's not going to be attracted to that if she feels like she has to babysit your emotions and she has to perform just the right way
00:17:13.820
because you're doing these things that you should have been doing all along.
00:17:17.020
And I'm only saying that because I know it from experience.
00:17:21.280
Don't worry about the acknowledgement and the accolades.
00:17:27.320
And, of course, connect with us inside the Iron Council and be part of the movement there because that's going to help too.
00:17:34.140
And I think you hit on this is do these things without any expectation.
00:17:41.860
And when you have the expectation or have no expectation, it's just more genuine, right?
00:17:47.380
You're doing it for the right reasons, and she'll recognize that.
00:17:58.080
As Iron Council OGs, what do you think separates the men who thrive long term?
00:18:14.940
What do you think separates the men who thrive long term in the Iron Council program from those who joined for a few months and fade away?
00:18:22.540
You know, the interesting thing about systems is that as long as it's the right system, it works.
00:18:31.800
But it's usually really, really boring and monotonous.
00:18:34.860
And what I found is that too many men are out there looking for something that's incredible, that's sexy, the three steps to six pack abs.
00:18:45.380
And, you know, and we're even looking to characters online who attempt to represent the ideals that we want to live up to.
00:18:53.800
But it's usually, I say characters because they're usually inflated egos.
00:18:58.960
They're these so-called larger than life figures.
00:19:03.080
Their personalities are exaggerated to get your attention.
00:19:06.300
And so we are not at a loss for information and resources out there.
00:19:13.380
But what we are at a loss of is focus and grit and consistency in the mundane things.
00:19:22.340
So if we were to go back to fitness, getting strong and healthy is a pretty simple thing to do.
00:19:30.620
Eat the right foods, feel your body correctly, get a good workout program.
00:19:35.960
We know that doing strength training is going to be the best for your body unless you have other goals and ambitions.
00:19:42.500
But generally speaking, heavy strength training is what's going to be best for men.
00:19:47.820
There's not really too much of a question about it anymore.
00:19:50.340
Now there's a lot of different nuance to it, but we know what it is.
00:20:05.680
If you can tie mundane, simple actions to a predictable outcome that motivates you,
00:20:16.020
that inspires you and compels you, it will keep you in the game as long as you need to be in the game to achieve your desires.
00:20:22.840
A prime example of that is what we're doing here with Order of Man.
00:20:28.700
I have not missed a single episode of this podcast every day that I dedicated myself over 10 years ago to dropping.
00:20:39.940
Now, when I was going through my divorce, there were a couple, I think two or three episodes that I did a replay of in order to, you know, feel that because I was dealing with my own personal stuff.
00:21:02.240
I don't have the skill set to be able to take it easy.
00:21:07.600
And I'm okay with that because I know that if it's podcasting or lifting weights or training jujitsu or name it,
00:21:17.060
that your ability to stay in the game as long as you possibly can will overcome somebody else's skill set,
00:21:30.100
He said something along the lines of business not really being a matter of who can do it best, but who can stay in the game the longest.
00:21:38.980
Because the longer you can stay in, as long as you're deliberate about it, the better you're going to get.
00:21:44.720
So I'm not telling you, oh, if you just show up, everything will come true.
00:21:52.100
And about 80 plus percent of the time, you have to be on point when you show up.
00:21:56.300
Now, there's going to be days where you show up and you just go through the motions.
00:21:59.320
And I'm not going to tell you that's the best way to do it, but it's better than not.
00:22:04.400
And there will be the days that you're tired or distracted or focused on another priority because it's important at that moment in time.
00:22:13.640
But just show up consistently, relentlessly, and find ways not to get bored.
00:22:20.380
That's, I think, what a lot of guys come into the Iron Council.
00:22:23.140
Either A, they don't get started because it's different.
00:22:33.540
They see the results and then they leave the Iron Council because they get what they want and they leave, which I understand, but then they start slipping and things start falling through the cracks and the relationships start to break down a little bit and the business fractures a little bit.
00:22:55.240
I got to get back into the Iron Council because it's the things that you do consistently that help you win.
00:23:00.600
Right, and we see that a lot, right, guys, returning members, and that's the story.
00:23:05.320
And you've said it twice, at least twice in that, is consistency.
00:23:10.900
When the guys who fade away aren't doing the work for one reason or another, right, they don't get started.
00:23:17.600
I think some people don't realize how much work it takes and they want that quick pill.
00:23:22.800
And I think that some people, like you said, do the work.
00:23:28.340
They think they have it all figured out and then they leave.
00:23:34.820
I can't remember his last name, but his first name was Josh and he was a longtime member.
00:23:40.700
But he had left before I joined, but he had left and he told the story at the main event that, you know, same kind of deal.
00:23:48.840
And about three, six months, I forget exactly the time, his wife came to him and said, hey, something's different about you.
00:23:55.760
And he hadn't told his wife that he left the Iron Council.
00:23:58.600
And he said to his wife, yeah, and he said to his wife, well, I left the Iron Council.
00:24:06.860
So listen, our significant others see it, right?
00:24:09.300
And it's about doing the work when we, I think when we don't do the work, whether it's we're not willing to or we don't have a clear enough and compelling vision, right?
00:24:18.460
That's one of the things that I talk about to the new guys is you have to make your vision so clear and compelling.
00:24:24.680
And that on those days where you don't feel like showing up, you can visit that vision and it'll motivate you to do the work.
00:24:34.780
You know, and let's break this down just a little bit more because it is easy to say, oh, just be consistent.
00:24:42.340
But that begs the question, what does it take to be consistent?
00:24:45.860
Because there's all, there's days that all of us aren't interested in showing up.
00:24:49.980
So what keeps a person in it versus another person who will drop out?
00:24:56.420
And I've got four things here and I'm sure there's a lot more, but these four have seemed to help me.
00:25:00.220
So number one, to go back to what you just said, is having a vision, having a why, having real clarity about why you're doing what you're doing and then tying it to the results that you're seeing.
00:25:10.280
So with this gentleman that you're talking about, why is he in the Iron Council?
00:25:17.060
Maybe it is to improve his attitude or the way that he shows up or to draw closer to God or to get fit or overcome a divorce like we're talking about.
00:25:28.700
You should know why you're doing the things that you're doing.
00:25:31.460
I've seen so many guys, and I've done this as well, where we'll follow people on social media and then we start doing all the things they're doing because, I don't know, isn't that what you're supposed to do?
00:25:43.900
Is what Joe Rogan doing the things that you're supposed to be doing?
00:25:48.000
Is what Cam Haynes doing the things that you're supposed to be doing?
00:25:51.440
Is what Matthew McConaughey or Chris Williamson or Jocko Willink?
00:25:55.340
Now, all these guys, I'm not throwing them under the bus.
00:25:57.760
They're all massively successful, and they found their thing, but their thing might not be your thing.
00:26:04.000
So be careful of falling into that trap where you have to do all the things the other people do.
00:26:08.360
Only do it if it ties into what you're doing because that's what's going to keep you in it.
00:26:13.340
Number two, I think you have to have reasonable and realistic expectations of what it takes to achieve.
00:26:18.820
I talk with so many men who expect the result with way less effort than required and way faster than they'll experience.
00:26:32.320
And if you set yourself up like that, you are setting yourself up.
00:26:36.660
Because if you don't achieve your goals in that shortened time frame, then you're going to think you're doing it wrong, and you're going to throw in the towel.
00:26:45.880
And this is where coaching and mentorship comes into play because a coach and a mentor is going to tell you exactly what it's going to take because they've already done it.
00:26:54.600
They're going to tell you how much effort you need to put in.
00:26:56.960
They're going to tell you how long it's going to take.
00:26:59.040
They're going to tell you what you need to do and how dedicated you need to be towards the thing.
00:27:02.820
And they're going to set realistic expectations so you're not playing mind games with yourself.
00:27:07.460
Because look, if I thought I was going to do a thing in three months, but actually it's going to take me nine months,
00:27:13.000
at the three-month mark, if that's really what I thought and I'm not there yet, I'm much more likely to throw in the towel.
00:27:19.980
So I have reasonable and realistic expectations.
00:27:35.800
There's no course I have on how to manage my schedule.
00:27:40.300
I can go through right here and tell you what they are.
00:27:50.220
I have a calendar for when the kids are with me because sometimes that gets changed.
00:27:56.320
And then I have a calendar for my girlfriend and I so we can coordinate schedules and figure
00:28:05.880
I can see they're different colors and it's all right there.
00:28:08.360
And then that way I can plug in different activities that now become non-negotiables.
00:28:13.460
So if you're in the Iron Council, it might be your team meeting or a Friday call.
00:28:18.120
If it's working out, maybe working out at 5.30 or 6 a.m. works out for you or maybe it's
00:28:25.220
But whatever it is, you're living and dying by the calendar.
00:28:27.880
And the last thing that I'll say is you just have to etch this phrase into your psyche,
00:28:39.180
Because there will be days where you don't want to do it.
00:28:42.380
There will be days where you have every excuse not to.
00:28:45.380
There will be days where you don't feel motivated or excited or compelled or you're distracted
00:28:51.320
with something else that might even be a priority.
00:28:54.140
And the mindset of do it anyways is what's going to get you to that hurdle.
00:28:57.880
And I found that when I show up and I do it anyways, it usually doesn't take long to get
00:29:03.860
into the routine of things and get back on track and pace.
00:29:06.580
But if I stop, it's way harder to pick up momentum.
00:29:13.600
An object at rest stays at rest unless acted upon by an equal and greater force.
00:29:18.000
So if you stop, it's going to take you a lot more effort and energy to start back up.
00:29:24.960
Our mutual friend, Zach Edmash, always talks about that when it comes to the gym on the
00:29:31.620
Five minutes is always going to turn into a full workout, right?
00:29:33.780
It's never, you know, because once you get going, you're going to feel motivated.
00:29:44.120
I have a corkboard right in front of me here with a paper calendar where I write everything
00:29:48.460
in and I use this planner to plan my day out, to time block my day.
00:29:53.860
So I'm not as high tech as you, but, but I think, yeah, having, having some system to
00:30:00.120
And, and, uh, talk about managing your expectations too.
00:30:03.960
I think we all, we see this with new guys with their vision, uh, that, or not so much
00:30:09.420
their vision because we want them to go, you know, think big for their visions, but with
00:30:13.260
their battle plans, when they, when they choose an objective and a tactic one, they have
00:30:16.920
like, you know, before, before we really let them know, Hey, we want one daily tactic.
00:30:21.260
That's going to move the needle, move the needle the most.
00:30:23.600
What's the one thing, you know, guys will come in with their first draft of their battle
00:30:26.980
plan, new guys, and they'll have seven, eight tactics and at each quadrant, it's like, Hey,
00:30:37.800
Let's pick that one thing that we know is going to move the needle the most.
00:30:40.840
And, and when we set those expectations and, and we're, we push ourselves, but we're realistic.
00:30:46.240
And then, you know, uh, we talk about this a lot in the, in the iron council, celebrate
00:30:49.900
the small wins along the way that builds the momentum and, and that consistency that we
00:30:58.160
I mean, I, I like what you're saying about the tactics because we, we are, you know,
00:31:01.740
anybody listening to this podcast or anybody who comes in the iron council is likely a
00:31:09.660
They're listening to this self-development podcast because they want to improve themselves.
00:31:14.500
And sometimes we think if we do one activity, it'll take us a month, but if we do it twice
00:31:18.580
as much or twice as hard, then we get it done in two weeks.
00:31:23.400
It's still going to take you the same amount of time, but more often than not, you're going
00:31:29.200
You know, when it comes to diet, for example, if you're 50 pounds overweight and you say, well,
00:31:40.960
I think there's very few people who can change their patterns that drastically in such a short
00:31:52.140
But what I would say is, all right, let's pick the lowest hanging fruit.
00:31:56.260
You know, for, for most people, it's going to be processed sugars and overeating.
00:32:00.600
And so pick one of those things for the next 90 days and let's see if you can do that.
00:32:10.040
And that, that proves to be difficult for people too.
00:32:17.200
So maybe you cut out processed sugars, uh, for 90 days and then maybe next quarter it's,
00:32:23.600
Hey, I'm going to increase my water intake to improve my hydration.
00:32:26.980
And then third quarter is I'm going to start moving into meal prep.
00:32:31.300
And then fourth quarter, I'm going to do my first bodybuilding competition.
00:32:35.680
So we have a theme that we're working on for, for the year, but we're looking at it from,
00:32:45.500
We did that when I owned the gym, uh, we would have bootcamps and it was the same kind of
00:32:49.520
People would come in and most of the people for the bootcamps were coming off the couch.
00:32:52.440
They hadn't done anything fitness wise, maybe ever in their lives or, or in a long time.
00:32:56.540
And when you, when you talk to them, you know, one of the first things we do is talk to them
00:33:00.020
And it was the same, like you, you explained, Oh, I'm going to start eating better.
00:33:07.420
So that's, that's, you've already made that commitment.
00:33:10.440
So now let's just pick, just like you said, one thing we all know one thing in our, our
00:33:19.680
Um, you know, and, and then like you described bill from there.
00:33:23.600
So yeah, that's, that's a very effective strategy.
00:33:26.780
And again, it builds that consistency and, and that momentum.
00:33:32.600
There's, and then the other thing I would say is making sure that you're celebrating
00:33:35.920
Our friend, Alan Placer talks about this quite often.
00:33:38.680
Um, it's also mentioned in the book, the gap in the game, which is a really good book
00:33:42.220
is that it's okay to acknowledge and celebrate your wins.
00:33:45.380
I'm not saying you need to throw a party for yourself every time you do the most minuscule
00:33:49.640
thing, but you should, you should celebrate that.
00:33:53.140
You know, if you sign up for a bootcamp and, and you go for the first week and you hit every
00:33:57.680
day for the first week, that's, that's worth celebrating.
00:34:01.900
You know, you don't need to throw yourself a big surprise bash and get everybody out to
00:34:05.700
celebrate and honor you because you went into the gym for five days, but you should acknowledge
00:34:10.700
And you're a better man today than you were a week ago because you went in the gym every
00:34:21.160
I was just gonna say, I struggled with that a little bit when Alan first started talking
00:34:24.320
I had a hard time wrapping my head around it, but, but I've embraced it since.
00:34:30.140
And that's not to say it should come at the expense of you thinking about what's next.
00:34:42.780
So this one comes from Dwayne St. Germain, which is a great name.
00:34:49.200
It says, in the vein of self-improvement, is there a better way you have found to cut
00:34:57.260
There is a lot of contradicting information out there and can waste your time and leave you
00:35:02.820
feeling defeated and abort the mission altogether.
00:35:08.580
And I want to say I'm not the, the, the pinnacle of health.
00:35:11.840
And I, and I'm, this is not my expertise, but I have a few ideas and thoughts on this.
00:35:16.800
Um, I've seen a lot of people get wrapped up in the minutia, in the bull crap, in the,
00:35:23.240
the small little things that are going to produce the, the most infinitesimally small result
00:35:31.020
And to me, more often than not for people, you need to focus on the 80% issues.
00:35:40.720
It's the things that are going to produce 80% of the results.
00:35:49.600
20% of the work you're doing is going to produce 80% or set another way.
00:35:54.920
Um, 20% of the people in an organization are going to produce 80% of the results.
00:36:04.300
So when it comes to dieting health information, what I think would be good for most people
00:36:11.600
is to look at what's a theme amongst all the people that you follow.
00:36:26.840
Uh, another theme might be, uh, how much protein you should eat, right?
00:36:32.940
We all hear about one, one gram of protein per desired, uh, body weight.
00:36:40.480
If you want to weigh 200 pounds, if that's your ideal weight, um, eat vegetable, eat fruit.
00:36:54.480
And unless you're getting 90 to a hundred percent of that, right?
00:36:59.100
I don't really feel like you should really worry too much about other fringe ideas that
00:37:07.680
Now there are some people, my girlfriend actually happens to be one of them who loves this stuff.
00:37:13.440
She gets excited about diving into different peptides and, um, you know, different, different
00:37:21.520
food that is a little non-conventional that creates different results and, and your body.
00:37:26.720
And so for her and other people like that, that's exciting to her.
00:37:31.120
But for most people, if it's not exciting to you, then just focus on the 80% result stuff
00:37:37.740
and don't really worry about too much else until you're dialing that in at a hundred percent.
00:37:46.020
Do deadlifts, uh, maybe squats, uh, bench press, pull-ups, and maybe some overhead press.
00:37:55.440
That's your five or six movements that should consist of about 80% of your workout.
00:38:01.040
And then you can throw in leg curls, leg extension, bicep curls, reverse bicep curls, shoulder
00:38:07.420
shrugs, all this other, you know, flies in incline bench, decline bench, dumbbell bench,
00:38:13.580
get the 80% stuff done and then fill it in from there.
00:38:18.080
I mean, I don't have much to add to that other than say the basics will win almost every
00:38:22.660
And I think intuitively when it comes to diet, we all know what the basics are.
00:38:26.900
Um, and then until you're, you're taking those steps, there's really no need to explore
00:38:31.040
these in-depth, um, detailed nutrition plans or diets.
00:38:38.020
And for the most part, you know, if you get the basics down, you're probably to reach your
00:38:41.660
I think that one thing that happens is when you start to get too deep into this is you
00:38:53.620
And I don't, I think a lot of the times we do it, I'm not sure how conscious it is that
00:39:00.500
But I think a lot of the times what happens is that we can justify ourselves or to ourselves
00:39:05.700
that we're moving the needle because we're doing stuff.
00:39:10.600
And again, I already said, never mistake action for prudence.
00:39:14.720
So researching about the thing is not doing the thing.
00:39:18.680
Planning to do the thing is not doing the thing.
00:39:21.460
Thinking about thinking about doing the thing is not doing the thing.
00:39:24.980
Talking with your friends about all the stuff you're going to do is not doing the thing.
00:39:31.740
And everybody, everything else becomes, could potentially become a distraction.
00:39:36.480
So, and I think my hypothesis is that people do it deliberately.
00:39:45.240
And I don't know if they do it consciously or subconsciously or to what degree, but if it's
00:39:56.580
So if you're overweight and it's complicated and it's like, well, I don't, there's nothing
00:40:02.460
You have to have an engineering degree to be able to lose weight.
00:40:07.020
So don't get distracted and bogged down with the nonsense and don't allow yourself to become
00:40:12.920
paralyzed because you're worried about some minute detail that really doesn't matter in
00:40:18.460
Because I do think that's the case a lot of times.
00:40:21.180
I've been guilty of, not the overcomplicating, so I have an excuse.
00:40:24.320
I've been guilty of fooling myself that I'm doing the work, right?
00:40:26.900
I think of reading books and I'm an avid reader and I read a lot of self-development books.
00:40:32.640
And for years, any self-development book I saw, I'd have to grab it and read it.
00:40:37.620
And really, I was just fooling myself into doing the work.
00:40:40.060
And now in the last couple of years, I boil it down to, there's a small handful of books
00:40:43.900
that I'm going to reread every year because they're the ones that have been the most powerful
00:40:48.000
in making changes in my life and putting stuff into action, right?
00:40:54.340
Because I have books that I read that I never took action on or couldn't remember, couldn't
00:40:58.400
tell you a thing about them that I learned from them.
00:41:00.320
But, you know, I was guilty of fooling myself that I was doing the work.
00:41:05.020
I mean, there's, I used to do this where the amount of books you read was a badge of honor,
00:41:11.900
So if I read a hundred books this year, I'm better than the guy who read 50 books.
00:41:15.840
And he's better than the guy who read 10 books.
00:41:18.240
And he's better than the guy that just read one book.
00:41:20.520
But what if the guy who read one book implemented everything to the nth degree and produced a
00:41:25.620
hundred times the results that the guy who read a hundred books did because he didn't
00:41:28.900
do anything because he was too busy reading to go out and live his life.
00:41:33.580
Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't read books, but you should be pretty deliberate about what
00:41:38.220
If you're trying to develop a skillset at work, read a book on that.
00:41:42.000
If you're trying to work on relaxing and unwinding at the end of the day, probably a self-development
00:41:51.580
You know, we just had, as of the release of this podcast, just yesterday, I released my
00:41:56.640
podcast with Jack Carr and his newest book, Cry Havoc.
00:42:01.820
Or if you're trying to bolster up your relationship, like some of our guests or the guys who have asked
00:42:06.780
questions today, then read a book on relationships, but make it deliberate.
00:42:15.140
That means nothing to anybody until you put it into action.
00:42:19.140
And whether it's a book or, or a seminar, cause I've been guilty of this in the past as
00:42:23.140
well as pick, pick one, if at the very minimum, pick one thing, you know, I do this mostly
00:42:28.340
for seminars because there's books, it's a little easier to go back to the book and revisit
00:42:34.220
But so a lot of times the seminars, you know, I used to be that guy that would bring a notebook
00:42:37.540
and write every, write everything down and then never take action on it.
00:42:41.520
So, so now when I go to seminars or conferences, try and pick one thing, um, that I'm going
00:42:46.660
to implement as soon as I get home and, and just really focus on that.
00:42:50.480
So I think that's, that's actually, listen, action is what it's all about.
00:42:58.460
He says, I'm depressed, but I put on a smile for my son.
00:43:01.400
I bring him to do the things, uh, to do things and try not to, and try not, try to not let
00:43:08.660
him see the side of me that is bringing me down every day when he's not around the sad
00:43:15.000
How do I learn to love myself and become a happier version about life?
00:43:26.440
I hope that having your son, it sounds like it is that having your son in your life is motivation
00:43:32.520
Um, but I'm not going to say that's not enough.
00:43:36.800
I don't know if it is, it doesn't sound like it is at this point in your life.
00:43:39.700
And so I would ask, have you done the battle plan?
00:43:43.880
And I know that's, it's kind of laughable sometimes because battle plans, my joke for
00:43:48.400
There was a time where it was like jujitsu is the, uh, the answer for everything.
00:43:55.040
And let me tell you why is when we lose hope about what the future holds, that's a depressive
00:44:07.820
And even when we meet as men, we stand shoulder to shoulder.
00:44:12.480
We relate shoulder to shoulder against a common enemy or towards a greater good.
00:44:18.500
And if you aren't sitting down thinking about what the future can hold, even if that just
00:44:23.000
means what kind of dad am I going to be to my son?
00:44:28.220
And that happens to a lot of guys because they're not taking the time to think about what
00:44:38.600
I'm sure you have had those hardships and those struggles, but whatever it is, you can
00:44:44.060
overcome it and you can be better and you can improve, but you need to spend some time
00:44:53.760
What kind of husband or partner are you going to be?
00:44:57.140
Uh, when people think about you, what are they thinking about?
00:45:01.880
Uh, is there some great injustice that you see in the world today or that you've experienced
00:45:09.360
at some point in your life that you just can't tolerate and you want to pour in efforts into
00:45:16.820
You know, for me, order of man is the result of, of that.
00:45:20.720
I grew up without a permanent father figure in my life and I don't want men to struggle
00:45:27.820
I don't want them to question if they're loved.
00:45:29.920
I don't want them to not know what it means to be a man.
00:45:33.060
I don't want them to not have the lessons that fathers teach and pass down to their sons.
00:45:37.460
I don't want men to experience that because I experienced that and I know what it's like.
00:45:43.500
And so when I wake up in the morning and I'm very keen on what I want to accomplish, I have
00:45:50.140
And I can't help but think that, um, Joshua, it doesn't sound like you do have hope and
00:46:01.140
You need to figure out something that's going to bring you some hope.
00:46:05.480
And by the way, when you start working towards those things, that's when you're going to develop
00:46:12.140
confidence and when you have confidence, you begin to love yourself because you see that
00:46:20.020
I don't get into the woo-woo love yourself just the way you are kind of thing at the expense of
00:46:26.720
I still think you have worth and potential as a human, but why should we settle for who
00:46:33.780
we currently are when there's so much more that we could be?
00:46:36.580
If you want to love yourself, the best thing that you can do is have a vision, have some
00:46:43.420
objectives that line up with that vision and then get to work.
00:46:48.360
If you don't love yourself because you're overweight, and I don't, I don't know if that's the case,
00:46:51.780
but let's say hypothetically, that's part of it.
00:46:53.760
Then the only way to begin to love yourself is to go into the gym and, and train.
00:47:01.620
If you don't love yourself because of past mistakes that you've made in previous relationships,
00:47:06.360
the only way to fix that is by apologizing and making amends where you can, where it's possible
00:47:12.860
and letting the rest go and then being a new version for the next relationship that you're
00:47:27.280
I wish I could just say today, I want to love myself more and we can make some of those
00:47:31.040
decisions, but you know what you do if you love something?
00:47:48.860
So if you want to love yourself, invest in yourself, polish it, refine it, make it better,
00:47:56.020
modify it, improve it, cherish it, treat it right.
00:48:06.540
And what you're, you're talking about what we do in the iron council, you know, and we've
00:48:10.020
seen thousands of men, thousands of men change their lives by putting these tools and systems
00:48:15.500
And the only thing I'll add to that is, is, you know, don't be afraid to get professional
00:48:20.560
If, if you truly are in a depressed state, you know, don't be afraid to get it.
00:48:23.780
Cause, cause I think as men, sometimes we resist that.
00:48:27.020
Uh, and there's value in it and it doesn't mean you're broken.
00:48:30.580
It just means that you need to be coached a little bit on, on what having that healthy
00:48:46.700
He said, aside from practicing in real time situations, what are some of the most effective
00:48:54.640
I'm not necessarily talking about avoiding major outbursts, but more staying calm and
00:48:58.940
keeping a neutral tone rather than frustration or attitude sneaking into your voice during
00:49:08.420
You said of outside of practicing in real time situations.
00:49:14.560
Your job as a man is to, is to regulate your emotions.
00:49:17.480
Um, it's to use your emotions as feedback for something going well or something going
00:49:26.480
And there are certain emotions that you are likely prone to.
00:49:35.040
Jay, you talked about being angry when you were younger.
00:49:37.780
Um, you know, maybe it's, maybe it's, you have a propensity to yell and, and lash out or
00:49:44.360
You know, you punch walls or you physically or emotionally abuse other people, but there's
00:49:50.860
And the best way I think to learn, to regulate your emotions outside of practicing in real
00:49:58.840
time is to sit with them, is to become familiar with them.
00:50:03.520
This is the whole premise for Carl Jung's work.
00:50:05.780
Shadow work is to be, become familiar with who you are, all the flaws and character deficiencies
00:50:13.500
and skill sets and God-given talents, the whole, the whole gambit, you as a whole and
00:50:21.640
And if you can learn to sit with being impatient, then you're going to have a better time when
00:50:29.620
If you can be angry and sit down and maybe journal or reflect or go for a walk and develop
00:50:38.840
some of these, yes, coping mechanisms, but also just sitting with it.
00:50:44.560
See, I, what I think is, I think too many people are trying to find ways not to be angry.
00:50:56.700
Why do you feel like you're being personally attacked?
00:50:59.380
Why do you feel like people are out to get you?
00:51:02.740
These are all things that I've thought of in the past.
00:51:07.860
And if I can just sit with being angry and give myself permission to be angry, it has less
00:51:17.560
Now, I'm not saying that, well, let me say it this way.
00:51:21.580
There's a distinction between what you feel and what you do.
00:51:27.540
So for example, if I'm angry and I'm not getting my way about something and I go over the wall
00:51:32.200
and I punch a hole in the wall, people say, this guy is so angry.
00:51:38.000
The response to the anger was the problem because there might be some justifiable reasons for
00:51:43.800
If, however, I'm angry with somebody and instead of punching the wall or worse, them,
00:51:52.500
I talk with them with reason, with a level of empathy and seeking to understand, that's
00:52:00.120
a proper and effective use of anger in my life.
00:52:05.600
So I would say sit with it and come up with mechanisms for, I don't want to say releasing
00:52:14.500
it, but acknowledging it, whether it's journaling, talking, like you said, with a therapist or
00:52:19.600
a friend, going for a walk, writing things down, listening to certain music or, you know,
00:52:32.180
And the only thing I'll add to that is, is visualize yourself.
00:52:35.020
Like, but this is, this is kind of the calibration quadrant, right?
00:52:38.060
Like take time every day to visualize yourself handling situations that you know, in the past
00:52:44.140
have, have triggered you or, or you've been impatient or you've snapped and visualize actually
00:52:50.780
Or if you have one of those, this is the after action review, right?
00:52:53.360
If you have a, you know, listen, we're all, we all slip, we all fall back.
00:52:57.280
If you have one of these incidents where maybe you were impatient with, I don't know,
00:53:00.940
your wife or your kids and, and think about, okay, what, what I, what can I do better next
00:53:07.040
And the more you think about it, the more you recognize that, I mean, it's, it's not
00:53:10.900
practicing it in real time, but it's practicing it.
00:53:13.120
So I would just add visualization of how you want to be in those situations would be effective
00:53:21.160
And you know, there's another, I really liked that.
00:53:24.040
There's another thing that you can do too, is to take that even further is not only visualize
00:53:29.180
what you're going to do next time, visualize the outcome of you handling it properly.
00:53:35.100
So instead of undermining trust and them being scared, your kids, for example, being scared
00:53:39.480
of you, imagine a situation where maybe you are administering discipline because that's
00:53:43.980
what children need, but you do it in a very calm, respectful, understandable way.
00:53:47.700
And now you didn't just undermine your trust with them.
00:53:50.860
You actually bolstered it up and you actually poured into the relationship.
00:53:56.460
And how are you going to kids receive you when you do that?
00:54:00.000
Visualize that, visualize them not being afraid of you, visualize them running it.
00:54:04.680
You know, when they come in the door or you come home from work that they run to you instead
00:54:08.900
And I've been there where, you know, I come home and my kids are like, everybody kind of
00:54:13.560
scatters because they don't want to be around dad when he gets home.
00:54:18.400
And I've been in situations where the kids come over or I, or I come home and they come
00:54:26.100
Visualize what kind of man would elicit that type of result in people.
00:54:29.780
Yeah, I think that's, that, that part that you added was so powerful because, you know,
00:54:36.540
I, sometimes, and I experienced this with my anger is we go so far the other way.
00:54:41.720
And it's like, okay, now I'm not disciplining my kids because I'm afraid, I'm afraid that
00:54:47.340
But, but visually, visualizing that the effect you want allows you to still discipline, but
00:54:53.180
discipline appropriately and then, um, not go too far the other way.
00:54:59.980
And, you know, even with discipline, how do you, how do you do that appropriately with
00:55:05.500
Because it's, it's, again, to go back to the things that we love, we, we pour into them.
00:55:13.940
We, we do the things that need to be done in order for that to be a thing that is, is
00:55:20.860
And you can discipline your kids in love or you can do it in anger.
00:55:28.740
But I mean, obviously, I think it's obvious that everybody listening to this wants to
00:55:33.120
discipline their children in love because you're disciplining them.
00:55:35.480
So they learn lessons that, that will serve them throughout life.
00:55:39.540
And I think if you come at it with that motive of, Hey, I love this person.
00:55:46.920
And when I see you do these things, I know it's not going to serve you long run.
00:55:51.880
Uh, but I've been alive for 35 more years than you.
00:55:56.540
So have some, have some faith and have some trust that I've been through what you've been
00:56:02.360
through and I've done it over and over and over again.
00:56:05.680
And I need you to learn the lesson so that your life is better than mine was because I didn't
00:56:16.620
And I think we all could agree that we just want our kids to do, do and do be in and have
00:56:28.440
Um, hopefully guys, we gave you some good answers.
00:56:34.840
So, uh, join us as quickly as you can and get in there because in about a month or two,
00:56:41.960
everybody's going to start thinking about new year's resolutions and they're going to do
00:56:49.800
And there's nothing inherently wrong with that.
00:56:52.740
If that's what gets you thinking about new goals and ideas for what you want in the future,
00:56:57.500
then by all means, use that arbitrary date to, to make it happen.
00:57:01.980
But I would say to you that if you really care about your improvement, then you will invest
00:57:11.300
If you really care about that connection that you're trying to develop, or you really care
00:57:16.860
about improving your physical fitness, or you really care about financial prosperity,
00:57:22.800
or starting that new business, or picking up that new hobby, or in the case of some of
00:57:28.540
these guys asking questions, having other men to bandwidth, to bounce ideas off of, to
00:57:33.180
support, to be supported by, then do that today.
00:57:38.240
That way, January, 2026, we've already been thinking about it for 90 days.
00:57:46.280
We're 90 days ahead of everybody else out there who's just waiting for December 31st.
00:57:52.700
If you really want to improve your life, do it today.
00:57:58.420
And you can do that at orderman.com slash iron council.
00:58:03.740
We've had about 80, just under 80 guys sign up here in the last little bit.
00:58:07.700
So we are growing and moving, and I'm very excited about the prospects of what we're going
00:58:17.160
No, just to echo what you just said, the best time to start was yesterday.
00:58:26.500
And I'm sure we'll have you back as Kip is sick and he's distracted with other things.
00:58:42.820
Guys, right now, we'll be back on Friday for our Friday Field Notes.
00:58:46.920
But until then, go out there, take action, and become the man you are meant to be.
00:58:51.420
Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.
00:58:54.380
You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you are meant to be?
00:58:58.060
We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.