Order of Man - The Pleasure of Pursuit, Why Young Men Are Moving to the Right, and the Power and Peril of Solitude ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 You let people run rampant and roughshod all over the truth and just let them do what they want and just believe everybody and help them be who they are and give them no direction or guidance or anything, men crumble under that.

00:00:15.580 We need structure. We need discipline. We need objective truth with a capital T.

00:00:21.780 It's the same reason we're starting to see military engagement and enrollment numbers go up over the past year or so.

00:00:27.580 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:34.720 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time you are not easily deterred, defeated, rugged, resilient, strong.

00:00:44.500 This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become at the end of the day.

00:00:49.720 And after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:00:53.700 Kip, what's up, man? Great to see you on this Monday morning.

00:00:58.560 Good to see you as well. Do you have big plans this week? It's a Monday.

00:01:02.700 We talk about planning our week and kind of being in the right headspace.

00:01:07.600 How's this week looking?

00:01:10.420 This week is just a typical week.

00:01:12.840 I put more. That's what this is going to be this week.

00:01:21.300 I put more activities on the calendar for my kids' sports stuff, and it is a lot.

00:01:28.800 But yeah, so that's going on.

00:01:30.620 I had a pretty decent weekend.

00:01:32.640 I went and ran.

00:01:33.820 I'm still training for that marathon.

00:01:35.960 And then pulled the canoe down, so I'm going to start working on that again.

00:01:40.480 These are a couple of things that have just been looming over my head for a while that we're going to get these done this year.

00:01:46.440 Got it. Got it.

00:01:47.580 I had a good Easter. Happy Easter, by the way.

00:01:49.840 Yeah, you too. You too.

00:01:52.180 So should we get into some ideas?

00:01:54.000 I know you have a headline. You want to rant a little bit.

00:01:56.060 I just had one thing I wanted to share.

00:01:58.220 I was listening to a podcast this morning from Andrew Huberman, but it was the full-length podcast, actually, I was listening to.

00:02:04.940 And it was something along the lines of overcoming different addictions, whether it's drug abuse or alcohol abuse or pornography, gambling, womanizing, just these coping mechanisms that we tend to slip into from time to time to varying degrees, I guess.

00:02:22.380 And the guy that came on, it was really insightful, what I caught.

00:02:26.020 I didn't catch all of it because I was just listening to it at the gym.

00:02:28.740 But this guy had an interesting thought about somebody that was very successful.

00:02:34.120 And the phrase that you used just stood out to me, and it was the pursuit of pleasure is what most people are pursuing.

00:02:42.140 They want pleasure in their life, so they're constantly pursuing the thing that will give them the most pleasure versus the pleasure of pursuit, which is what we should be moving towards.

00:02:53.080 Just being happy and grateful and glad that we are healthy and that we can pursue something meaningful and something exciting.

00:03:03.220 I've been listening to The Gap and the Gain as well.

00:03:05.700 I think this was in the podcast, not The Gap and the Gain, but I don't know.

00:03:10.520 I'm listening to both of them at the same time, so it could be one or the other.

00:03:14.020 But anyways, it was an interesting thought, and it got me thinking and pondering this morning.

00:03:17.660 And I wrote some things down about my own pursuit of things that are pleasurable.

00:03:23.060 And by the way, when we hear pleasure, sometimes there's a little bit of a negative tinge to it, like a selfish tinge.

00:03:29.160 That's not even what I'm saying.

00:03:30.320 It's the things that make us happy and fulfilled.

00:03:33.020 Or just finding a way to be happy and fulfilled now, currently.

00:03:38.980 Immediately.

00:03:39.300 Regardless of what the circumstances are.

00:03:42.160 And then using that as fuel to pursue meaningful and significant things in our lives.

00:03:47.100 It was an interesting thought.

00:03:48.800 It stood out to me.

00:03:49.820 I wanted to share it with the guys.

00:03:51.360 Yeah.

00:03:51.740 I love it, man.

00:03:52.800 I was thinking about this last week, how often people are not even aware enough to know that they're even doing that.

00:04:04.040 Like, they're so removed from, you used the term womanizing, right? 0.89

00:04:10.260 Like, they're like, oh, no, it's, you know, I feel lonely.

00:04:13.060 Like, they don't even understand that, like, they're chasing some level of excitement to address some other issue.

00:04:19.900 You know, like, their level of awareness is so withdrawn that, oh, man.

00:04:26.420 I just, it saddens me, I think.

00:04:29.640 Because last week I was thinking about this a lot.

00:04:32.460 Like, how often we're blinded around how we're showing up in the world and our actions are justified in reason and all these things when reality, it's much deeper than that.

00:04:44.580 And we're blinded to it and we don't even, we're just cogs in the process, you know, because we're not even self-aware enough to understand the psychology around why are we doing what we're doing, you know?

00:04:57.420 And there's just so much power and it's crazy.

00:04:59.300 And it's kind of depressing, right?

00:05:00.600 Because there's so many people, I think, that aren't even scratching the surface of that awareness, you know?

00:05:06.500 And that's at the root of growth, at least for me, in my opinion, but.

00:05:10.980 Well, yeah, I agree with that.

00:05:13.840 It is depressing to look outward and see that.

00:05:16.300 But it's also depressing to do that work yourself.

00:05:19.440 Like, let's be honest.

00:05:20.840 Doing that work is not fun work to do.

00:05:24.240 And as they were talking about in this podcast, he was saying that the reason that we engage in these behaviors or activities is because we're pursuing something on a very shallow level.

00:05:36.700 So, for example, pornography, and I've heard this often made the case that that is a, in some cases, is that it's a quest for intimacy and connection with a woman.

00:05:48.620 Obviously, a very inferior way of connecting and having deep intimacy with a woman, but that is what some people are after. 0.99

00:05:57.980 I tend to get busy.

00:06:00.960 And that's not always a good thing because sometimes I should be still or I wouldn't say isolated, but even loneliness, like just sitting with, is not a thing I'm real comfortable with.

00:06:14.100 I don't want to be alone.

00:06:15.360 I don't want to sit in isolation.

00:06:17.360 I don't want to sit with my thoughts.

00:06:19.540 And so I find outlets to not do that.

00:06:22.580 And it's hard because some of those things are healthy.

00:06:25.580 Going to the gym, for example, is healthy.

00:06:27.860 Going to a meetup is healthy.

00:06:29.660 Putting together an event is healthy.

00:06:31.920 But if you're doing it to escape what you actually need, then you'll never get what you actually need.

00:06:41.620 You'll always be filling it with trivial, surface level, inferior activities and results.

00:06:49.640 So, yeah, it's hard and it sucks and it's not fun, but it should be done.

00:06:55.280 I love it.

00:06:56.160 So, my rant, you know, I have to bring it up because it's so funny.

00:07:00.300 I think it's so hilarious.

00:07:02.120 Are you going to talk about the space crew?

00:07:04.280 Yes, totally.

00:07:05.720 And the internet has done such a great job at poking fun of it.

00:07:10.280 So, it's so great, right?

00:07:11.380 So, like anyone doesn't know, right?

00:07:13.020 Six celebrity women, you know, rode a Blue Origin rocket to space. 1.00

00:07:18.820 You know, total travel time I think was like 11 or 12 minutes.

00:07:22.840 Yeah, literally just like went up, you know, and then just came down, right?

00:07:28.440 And the part that is just so funny is that this is being promoted as this historical event that this is an all-woman crew.

00:07:43.600 And I've even seen some headlines call them astronauts.

00:07:48.200 And I'm like, they've called themselves astronauts.

00:07:50.180 I'm like, what?

00:07:52.680 You know, like I had that.

00:07:55.520 Did you have the dream as an astronaut?

00:07:57.000 I think our generation all wanted to be astronauts when we were little.

00:07:59.940 Oh, of course.

00:08:00.460 Yeah, yeah, of course.

00:08:01.500 So, I remember that.

00:08:02.920 And I also remember that dream realizing that it was never going to happen because I wasn't smart enough.

00:08:09.680 And the level of effort that would have to go into being an astronaut was not on my radar.

00:08:17.600 Let's say it that way.

00:08:18.960 And then we get six ladies, obviously wealthy, fly up, fall down, and now they're astronauts. 1.00

00:08:25.720 And it's so hilarious and it's pathetic and all these kind of things. 1.00

00:08:30.880 But full disclosure, we do this shit, right? 0.99

00:08:34.860 Like I have a keynote on Thursday, on this Wednesday that I'm doing. 0.99

00:08:39.320 And they're like, we need a bio.

00:08:41.800 And my first natural instinct was to do what?

00:08:44.800 I'm an astronaut.

00:08:46.180 No, yeah, exactly.

00:08:47.120 I'm an astronaut.

00:08:48.020 I'm an astronaut.

00:08:48.980 I've accomplished all these sayings and blah, blah, blah.

00:08:51.280 You know what I mean?

00:08:51.980 And I read it and I was disgusted with myself because I was like, come on, smoke and mirrors,

00:09:00.400 lacks humanity, just like, I don't know, propping myself up, threw away the entire bio, and I

00:09:10.040 rewrote the entire bio as like literally an effing joke.

00:09:15.940 I just made a joke.

00:09:17.480 I'm like, and I've accomplished this, which is probably a self-paid award.

00:09:24.020 I'm a hillbilly from Elsinore, Utah.

00:09:26.660 Like, dude, like, stop.

00:09:28.860 Let's stop.

00:09:29.320 Nobody. 0.99

00:09:29.840 It's pathetic. 0.99

00:09:30.800 Yeah, I agree. 1.00

00:09:30.980 Right?

00:09:31.180 I have some ideas.

00:09:32.220 Maybe you'll like them and they'll connect with you.

00:09:34.160 If so, awesome.

00:09:35.340 If not, who cares?

00:09:37.360 Leave it alone.

00:09:37.760 You know?

00:09:38.280 Right.

00:09:38.640 Yeah.

00:09:39.840 But the best part about all of this is what the internet has done.

00:09:44.680 And so I wrote these down because I think they're so hilarious.

00:09:48.520 The internet will always win.

00:09:50.360 I know.

00:09:50.920 And these are the things that I've heard.

00:09:52.680 Okay.

00:09:52.960 So based upon this idea of us, that we're all astronauts, right?

00:09:56.940 If we just ride in a ship for 11 minutes.

00:09:59.320 They went to space for 11 minutes.

00:10:02.280 Cool.

00:10:02.960 I built an Ikea dresser.

00:10:04.360 So now I'm a structural engineer.

00:10:06.820 I rebooted my router once.

00:10:09.080 So I guess I'm in IT now.

00:10:10.960 I made box mac and cheese without instructions.

00:10:14.220 Call me a chef.

00:10:14.880 You're a chef.

00:10:15.960 Yeah.

00:10:16.280 I watched a medical drama and didn't faint.

00:10:19.040 Technically, I'm a doctor.

00:10:21.820 I jumped on a trampoline once.

00:10:24.560 Guess I've experienced zero gravity as well.

00:10:27.660 I once held my breath for 30 seconds.

00:10:30.340 Guess I'm a Navy SEAL.

00:10:31.880 I mowed the lawn and sweat a little.

00:10:35.260 NASA, I'm ready to be an astronaut in training.

00:10:38.840 So anyhow, I just, I don't know.

00:10:41.580 It's silly. 0.96

00:10:42.360 It's so silly. 0.98

00:10:43.860 It's silly that it's played out the way it is. 0.89

00:10:46.600 I know.

00:10:47.600 I know.

00:10:48.020 And I love the, thank you internet for calling BS.

00:10:53.100 Uh, cause that's what we should do.

00:10:56.480 We should.

00:10:57.240 Okay.

00:10:57.440 So let, so let me give my, a little bit of my take on this.

00:11:00.200 Okay.

00:11:00.460 So we should call BS where it exists.

00:11:02.280 And there's a lot about it that is BS.

00:11:04.400 I did hear some feedback that I did not agree with.

00:11:07.420 And people are like, oh, well, you know, if I had money like that, I would do it too.

00:11:11.400 And we could have solved world hunger with the amount of money that it costs to whatever.

00:11:16.200 And my thought is, number one, people can choose how they want to spend their money.

00:11:19.320 Yeah.

00:11:19.820 However they want.

00:11:20.960 If I can agree with it or not.

00:11:22.600 But they can choose how they want to do it.

00:11:25.840 Yeah.

00:11:26.200 And would you, I think it's awesome.

00:11:28.780 It is awesome.

00:11:29.220 This is all said with the idea that like, how cool is that that they did that?

00:11:34.260 Right.

00:11:34.560 So yeah.

00:11:35.540 Full disclosure.

00:11:36.200 And the other thing that you have to consider, I saw a video on Instagram.

00:11:38.980 I think it was just last night.

00:11:40.240 I was mindlessly scrolling and a guy was excited to show off his TV in 1993.

00:11:44.860 And it was this $5,000 box, you know, and it's, it's, and, and I remember, you know,

00:11:51.680 the, the shoebox type phones that only the wealthy could have.

00:11:56.140 See, the reality of these types of things is they pave the way for regular ordinary day

00:12:02.620 consumers like you and me to be able to potentially take part in this at some point down the road.

00:12:08.620 So I'm actually very excited and optimistic about it.

00:12:10.960 I know there's the, they didn't go to space and all that kind of stuff, but yeah, you're right.

00:12:15.120 The astronaut thing, that's a little much.

00:12:17.400 The, the thing that they're a crew, all woman crew, they're not the crew. 1.00

00:12:21.520 That's like me being on a flight from Salt Lake to New York and saying, Hey, I'm, I'm basically

00:12:27.080 an airplane airplane pilot now.

00:12:28.800 I sat there and watched a movie for two hours.

00:12:33.020 There is actually, and I, and I heard this and I'm like, let me check this out.

00:12:37.080 So let's assume for the sake of argument that this was indeed the first all female crew in space. 0.85

00:12:45.920 Let's just assume they have a claim to that.

00:12:50.240 It's not actually true.

00:12:51.420 The first woman in space was Soviet cosmonaut Valentina Tereshev, Tereshev, Tereshevkova.

00:12:58.060 I'm butchering that for sure.

00:12:59.440 Like in the sixties, right?

00:13:00.540 Who flew on the Vostok 6 mission on June 16th, 1963.

00:13:05.340 She was the first woman to orbit earth completing, here's the key, a three day solo mission. 0.81

00:13:13.020 She is the first woman in space and the first to be on an all female crew in space.

00:13:19.520 So let's just set the record straight with that.

00:13:23.440 Yeah.

00:13:24.640 It's so funny.

00:13:25.780 Comical.

00:13:26.400 But we all do it.

00:13:27.240 But yeah, I like it.

00:13:28.880 All right, man.

00:13:29.320 Let's get to some questions.

00:13:30.420 Let's get to the meat of this discussion.

00:13:32.000 Yeah.

00:13:32.220 So we're going to fill some questions from the iron council to learn more order of man.com

00:13:36.980 slash iron council.

00:13:38.420 John Preston.

00:13:39.480 Thanks for everything you both do for all of us here in the iron council.

00:13:43.260 I have a job interview scheduled for later this week.

00:13:46.080 And although my background kills their minimum requirements for the job, uh, job position,

00:13:52.500 I don't understand.

00:13:56.040 Um, I'm sorry.

00:13:57.300 I lost my thought.

00:13:58.360 Okay.

00:13:58.680 I don't understand why they're not asking for more.

00:14:01.040 I can't get over a feeling that I'm reaching above my level of expertise and skillset.

00:14:06.300 The imposter syndrome is real. 0.99

00:14:08.520 Uh, I have a jitterness.

00:14:09.960 I just can't seem to shake.

00:14:11.660 When is the last time that you tried to take on something that you felt might stretch your

00:14:16.780 comfort zone a little too much?

00:14:18.640 And how did you handle the nerves?

00:14:21.100 Thanks again.

00:14:23.580 I do that every week.

00:14:25.320 I take on something that I feel like is out of my wheelhouse, but isn't that the point?

00:14:31.220 And I don't attach too much of my own self worth to the result of it.

00:14:37.220 And that's not to say I don't try my hardest or I don't try to learn what I need to learn.

00:14:41.780 But if you're not pushing yourself, it seems a little silly.

00:14:44.720 You made an assumption in there that you said, why aren't they asking for more?

00:14:49.000 I don't know.

00:14:49.720 Why don't you ask them that?

00:14:51.960 Maybe they are.

00:14:52.860 Maybe they had a bad experience or maybe there could be a thousand reasons.

00:14:56.340 Let's not assume what it is.

00:14:57.420 When you go in for the interview, I would say that.

00:14:59.660 I would say, hey, it seems like for this position, you would require, I'm confident I have the

00:15:05.500 skills to do it based on what you're asking for.

00:15:07.660 It seems like you would require more of a skill set.

00:15:09.840 Is there something that I'm missing?

00:15:11.440 Or is there something I'm not aware of?

00:15:13.160 Or is there another position you might be looking?

00:15:15.420 I mean, there's good questions you can ask where you no longer have to assume what it is.

00:15:19.940 As far as the imposter syndrome goes, it's hard because I've never really experienced imposter

00:15:26.900 syndrome the way people describe it because I don't feel like I'm an imposter and I don't

00:15:31.980 feel like striving to do something I've never done before makes me a fraud or a phony.

00:15:37.380 Imagine if I wanted to be a great football player and so I started training at the gym and working

00:15:46.440 with a football coach and going to tryouts and going to practices and learning plays and

00:15:52.180 watching tape.

00:15:53.000 Would anybody ever call me a fraud for trying to be a good football player in my pursuit to

00:15:58.520 be better at the thing I want to get better at?

00:16:01.300 Or if I wanted to play the guitar and I wanted to start a band and I started practicing in

00:16:07.720 the guitar and I learned the chords and I played every day, nobody would say, Ryan's a fraud.

00:16:12.920 Look at him trying to learn how to play the guitar.

00:16:15.000 They would just say, that's cool.

00:16:17.000 He's trying to do something he's never done before.

00:16:19.280 I hope it works out.

00:16:20.200 I don't know if it will, but it's cool he's trying it.

00:16:21.760 That's what the people in my circle would say.

00:16:24.980 And so you're not being an imposter by pursuing something that's important to you.

00:16:29.360 I think we need to get over that idea.

00:16:31.540 Now, if you're lying about it, if you're my boss and you're like, hey, Ryan, I need you

00:16:36.940 to do X, Y, and Z.

00:16:37.780 And I'm like, yep, yep, I can do that.

00:16:39.960 And I'm flat out blatantly lying about some code you need me to write.

00:16:44.360 That's an issue.

00:16:45.120 I should feel a little bit of guilt and shame around that because I deceived you in order

00:16:50.280 to get what I felt like I wanted.

00:16:52.540 But I don't think that's what you're doing.

00:16:54.640 The key to overcoming imposter syndrome is being honest, being humble, and striving to

00:17:01.840 make yourself better.

00:17:03.840 Period.

00:17:05.260 Yeah.

00:17:05.840 I love it.

00:17:07.080 I mean, I was going to add something, but you just wrapped up really solid there with

00:17:11.920 what my thoughts were.

00:17:13.960 Here's the reality.

00:17:15.020 It's all about just alignment and as well as I think sometimes, Ryan, and I love that

00:17:20.520 you said this too because when I read like how, like he said, what was his question?

00:17:25.480 He said, you know, have you guys dealt with this?

00:17:29.100 I feel like I'm dealing with this all the time.

00:17:31.240 Like stretched, right?

00:17:34.140 And, and someone asked me literally yesterday, they're like, Hey, I have this public speaking

00:17:38.200 event, any recommendations?

00:17:40.160 And at first I went all tactical, right?

00:17:43.060 Pause, embrace a pause, blah, blah, blah.

00:17:44.940 And then, and then I remembered and I thought, Oh, here's your answer.

00:17:49.300 It's not about you.

00:17:52.200 What do you mean?

00:17:53.760 I'm like, if your speaking engagement is wrapped up around you looking good and the

00:18:00.880 avoidance of looking bad, then you will be nervous and you've lost sight of what it's

00:18:06.300 about.

00:18:08.240 Get connected to the purpose of it.

00:18:13.440 It's bigger than you.

00:18:14.960 The subject that you're talking about is bigger than you.

00:18:17.920 It's more important than you and put your heart into making sure that that is available

00:18:23.860 for people to receive.

00:18:25.440 Make it about that.

00:18:27.640 And now it's not about, Oh, what if I look at, stop.

00:18:30.900 That's going to distract you from the message anyway.

00:18:33.380 And so focus on the bigger thing.

00:18:35.880 And, and in your example, John, what's the bigger thing is, are you the right fit for this

00:18:43.160 company?

00:18:45.360 Because if you're not, you shouldn't get the job.

00:18:47.240 So all that you're doing is you're having a conversation around alignment.

00:18:51.900 What are you guys looking for?

00:18:53.400 This is what I have.

00:18:54.700 Do you have what I want?

00:18:56.920 Am I what you need?

00:18:58.540 And do we have something?

00:18:59.560 If we don't, we don't.

00:19:01.440 But when we get so wrapped up in, um, that idea of, of judgment of how we're going to be

00:19:08.880 perceived and, and, and thinking we're deserving of something, don't focus on that.

00:19:12.500 Like, and I'm not saying like, we don't try to be better at what we do or whatever when

00:19:16.560 it, but when it comes to these moments, you are where you are.

00:19:19.840 So be authentic, um, have integrity, don't smoke and mirror it, uh, and be frank and see

00:19:27.660 if there's an opportunity for alignment.

00:19:29.520 If there's not, there's not.

00:19:30.500 And it doesn't necessarily mean anything about you.

00:19:33.600 Now you might go back to the drawing board and level up in other areas to get better, but

00:19:37.980 it should always be rooted in truth.

00:19:41.420 Yeah.

00:19:42.280 And then you don't have the same feelings of being an imposter.

00:19:45.420 I also think there's men do this a lot.

00:19:47.960 We play such a heavy emphasis on the outcome or the desired result or the future goal that

00:19:54.100 we don't even allow the thing to play out first.

00:19:56.700 You know, guys do this with women quite often is they'll go on a date and they'll start thinking,

00:20:01.480 well, this is going to be my, my wife and this is the one.

00:20:04.720 And it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, it's a first date.

00:20:08.660 Like, why don't you worry right now about seeing if you guys are compatible alignment,

00:20:14.300 right?

00:20:14.500 That's another thing you talked about and just enjoy a good conversation.

00:20:20.380 I, it's, it's like the adage that anxiety is worrying about something that hasn't even

00:20:25.040 happened yet.

00:20:25.640 And I'm not saying it's just goes away because you don't, you choose not to have it.

00:20:29.600 It's, it's there, it's present.

00:20:30.660 But sometimes we just have to let the thing play out.

00:20:35.060 You know, a lot of guys will ask, for example, this is a common question.

00:20:38.180 Hey, I've had my first jujitsu class tonight.

00:20:40.020 What should I know?

00:20:41.300 Just stop.

00:20:42.900 Chill.

00:20:43.860 Your first class is tonight.

00:20:46.540 It's not right now.

00:20:47.580 It's tonight.

00:20:48.880 So do your work, spend time with family.

00:20:51.720 Don't worry.

00:20:52.620 You're going to a professional school.

00:20:55.420 Like they're going to teach you to just relax.

00:20:57.680 And that's rich coming from me.

00:21:00.520 One of the most high strung people there are, but it's something I'm very aware of that I

00:21:04.800 need to work on personally too.

00:21:06.540 Yeah.

00:21:06.940 Which goes back to what we talked about earlier, right?

00:21:08.960 The importance of at least being aware.

00:21:10.540 Cause then you can do something with it, you know?

00:21:12.840 Yeah.

00:21:13.560 Oh man.

00:21:14.380 All right.

00:21:14.760 Jeremy Kofi.

00:21:15.740 What's something.

00:21:16.560 And good luck too, by the way, on the interview.

00:21:18.440 Yeah.

00:21:18.640 Yeah.

00:21:18.980 Good point.

00:21:20.400 Jeremy Kofi.

00:21:21.260 What's something you've learned from one of your kids that made you a better man?

00:21:25.800 Yeah.

00:21:26.280 I saw this question.

00:21:27.240 I, I pondered on this.

00:21:28.980 There's a lot, of course, you know, it's just, you're forced to become a better man

00:21:32.220 in a lot of ways when you have kids.

00:21:34.140 But I thought about immediately my oldest son came to mind and he is one of the most level

00:21:40.740 headed, even keel kids that I've, I'm not even going to say kid, young men that I have

00:21:45.740 ever come across.

00:21:46.800 I don't understand it.

00:21:48.260 I don't understand how he's just calm and cool and collected.

00:21:52.280 Even when he's frustrated, I've seen him not play so well at lacrosse and be really

00:21:57.160 upset.

00:21:57.740 I can tell just by his demeanor, but still he's so calm and he's willing to hear from

00:22:02.360 other coaches and willing to take his feedback.

00:22:05.260 He's constantly thinking about how to improve, but he's never super excited and worked up and

00:22:10.220 he's never depressed and down and beating himself up.

00:22:14.600 I think that's amazing.

00:22:16.140 That is not me.

00:22:17.020 I don't, I don't know where he gets that.

00:22:18.520 Cause that is not me.

00:22:19.500 I am up and down and up and I'm all over the place depending on what's going on any

00:22:24.680 given day.

00:22:25.580 So I could definitely learn to maybe take a little bit off the highs and tack them onto

00:22:31.560 the bottom and bring myself up during the lows.

00:22:34.680 Yeah.

00:22:36.460 You know, the item that comes to mind for me is my, my two daughters, their level of thoughtfulness

00:22:45.220 and love for others is such a great model to me.

00:22:51.720 I have to like plan to be thoughtful.

00:22:56.320 Like, Hey, I should be thoughtful and like brainstorm.

00:22:59.680 They just have it built into rain.

00:23:03.020 Yeah.

00:23:03.560 And it's, and it's rocks my world.

00:23:06.560 I mean, we, Asia and I, we got a text from our neighbor.

00:23:09.780 Uh, this was like last week, I think.

00:23:13.440 And they texted us and said, thank you so much for dinner.

00:23:17.280 Your kids are so sweet.

00:23:19.080 We have no idea what they're talking about.

00:23:21.420 You're like, what?

00:23:22.200 What is that?

00:23:22.760 And I'm like, what?

00:23:24.720 Come to find out we were out.

00:23:27.900 My daughters were kind of the, the, their babysitting at home and they decided to cook, 0.98

00:23:35.040 have some baked goods and make dinner for the neighbor. 0.95

00:23:40.420 That's an elderly couple.

00:23:41.720 That's awesome.

00:23:43.860 We didn't do that.

00:23:45.280 We're like, what?

00:23:46.300 They did what?

00:23:47.000 You know what I mean?

00:23:47.560 And, you know, and this is how they operate.

00:23:50.200 And it's, they have written love notes to that.

00:23:54.440 We have one elderly man.

00:23:56.160 He's passed away a couple of years ago.

00:23:57.500 My daughters called him cookie grandpa because he always brought cookies to church and, you

00:24:02.980 know, and they write notes to him.

00:24:05.500 You know, and leave it on his door.

00:24:07.980 We're not telling him to do that.

00:24:09.540 They're just wicked thoughtful.

00:24:12.320 And I don't know.

00:24:14.100 It's a, it's a great modeling for, for how more, how much more empathetic and loving I

00:24:20.700 need to be.

00:24:21.920 Yeah.

00:24:22.540 Yeah.

00:24:23.120 That's cool.

00:24:24.200 I was thinking after the, after the dinner incident, Kip's over there like, what are we

00:24:29.000 just feeding the whole neighborhood now?

00:24:30.660 The groceries are cheap.

00:24:32.340 I told you to stay in the house.

00:24:33.900 Yeah.

00:24:35.040 All right, man.

00:24:38.260 What's next?

00:24:39.360 All right.

00:24:39.760 Dalton Harward.

00:24:41.940 What are some of your favorite tactics to use to be more patient and understanding father?

00:24:47.020 I find myself far too often getting short and overstimulated with my three-year-olds aren't

00:24:52.520 cooperating.

00:24:53.180 Also, thank you, Kip, for your answer to my last question about contending with the trivial

00:24:58.220 tasks at work.

00:24:59.360 The only tactic I have, well, okay, I got to get, get yourself out of the environment for

00:25:08.320 a minute.

00:25:08.580 If you start to feel yourself like that, like just disengage, like not forever.

00:25:12.780 You can't run away.

00:25:13.920 You can't escape.

00:25:14.640 That would be weak.

00:25:15.220 But if your three-year-old is driving you up the wall, which three-year-olds have a tendency

00:25:21.080 of doing, like maybe they need to calm down and sit in their room for a little bit because

00:25:25.740 they're not behaving.

00:25:26.600 And so that's some, that's some distance.

00:25:29.020 You can always come back and correct it.

00:25:30.760 Or maybe you just need to go outside and go for a walk or something.

00:25:34.600 That's, that's number one.

00:25:36.220 Just remove yourself from the environment with a plan to come back so that you can do it in

00:25:40.460 a more level headed, clear way.

00:25:42.540 I wish I could say I did that more often than I do.

00:25:45.900 That's number one.

00:25:46.820 Number two, don't be so busy.

00:25:50.720 We are, all of us are so busy.

00:25:52.900 I told you, I was putting the, the games in the calendar.

00:25:55.820 It's like stressing.

00:25:56.700 You heard, I audibly went, ugh.

00:25:58.440 It's so stressful, but we're so consumed and so busy.

00:26:02.660 And I know for myself, when I'm busy that way and I'm inundated and I'm not doing work,

00:26:08.020 you should go listen to last week's Friday field notes, the, uh, the perils of self

00:26:11.580 betrayal, because I talk a lot about in that episode, making sure that you are working and

00:26:18.320 that you aren't integrity so that when you put work away or another task away, you can

00:26:22.860 be fully present for the thing at hand.

00:26:24.360 In this case, your three-year-old, but you can't be present with your three-year-old the

00:26:28.220 way that he or she needs you to be.

00:26:30.440 If you're thinking about the deadline at work that you missed because you failed to do all

00:26:35.840 your work on time, that's your problem.

00:26:38.680 That's your fault.

00:26:39.500 That is also your responsibility.

00:26:41.780 So make sure you have a system in place for getting things done as they need to be done.

00:26:46.400 And then that way, when you're engaged in other activities, you'll always be, I think, more

00:26:52.440 mindful and present to what actually needs to happen in those moments.

00:26:56.740 Maybe it is discipline.

00:26:58.600 Maybe it's a hug.

00:27:00.400 Maybe it's a stern morning.

00:27:03.480 Maybe it's fun.

00:27:03.860 Yeah, fun.

00:27:04.440 That's the last thing that comes to mind for me.

00:27:06.240 So yes, that too.

00:27:07.740 But yeah, you can discern a little bit more what the situation calls from or for rather than

00:27:13.140 being so reactionary to it because it's probably the deadline at work that's spilling over.

00:27:18.300 And now your three-year-old's catching the brunt of your lack of performance at work.

00:27:22.100 And that's not fair.

00:27:23.580 Totally.

00:27:24.460 I mean, this is why I relate to that so well, Ryan.

00:27:28.940 I mean, I can't think of a single time where I'm short with my kids and it wasn't tied to

00:27:37.760 stress from work or me trying to multitask and get something else done while they're trying

00:27:42.920 to get my attention.

00:27:44.360 Not once, I don't think.

00:27:45.820 I think it's always that.

00:27:47.120 I don't think it exists.

00:27:47.640 That is the scenario.

00:27:48.380 Always.

00:27:49.340 Yeah.

00:27:50.520 Yeah.

00:27:50.740 Yeah.

00:27:51.400 Yeah.

00:27:51.940 And my playbook, which I don't operate in on all the time, it is just to have fun.

00:27:59.520 Man, like just let go, you know, and be fully present is such great advice.

00:28:05.720 Um, and you know, it's funny.

00:28:08.600 It reminds me of, I remember Asia did a, she did a trip with the kids and I was with the

00:28:15.240 little guy and then he was probably around Dalton.

00:28:17.760 He was probably around your son's age or your three-year-old's age.

00:28:20.300 I think he was around three or four.

00:28:21.900 And I, I remember the, I think it's funny.

00:28:25.360 Anyway, I remember the first thing I was like, put him in the car and I'm hanging out with

00:28:29.040 him all day.

00:28:29.520 And I'm like, and Asia called, she's like, how's it going?

00:28:32.400 I'm like, he will not shut up.

00:28:34.540 He will not shut up.

00:28:35.760 It's driving me mad.

00:28:37.480 He just talks and talks and talks, you know what I mean?

00:28:40.980 And I, and the only way I could deal with it is not think about the other things that

00:28:46.880 I need to think about.

00:28:48.440 Yeah.

00:28:49.420 Otherwise I was, because his noise was just overbearing and he's just excited, you know,

00:28:55.680 and it's, you know, and you're shooting that down.

00:28:57.640 So I think if you just have less, less on your plate, you can be more mindful.

00:29:04.480 Yeah.

00:29:05.920 All right.

00:29:06.840 Let's jump over to Jeffrey Hoffman.

00:29:10.360 Loaded question, dude.

00:29:12.360 Why do women decide to leave and break up families? 1.00

00:29:15.760 Yeah.

00:29:17.940 I mean, first I'm sorry about the situation you're dealing with.

00:29:21.620 You know, I, I'm sure you're asking that from a place of experience, whether it's recent

00:29:26.420 or in the past. 0.98

00:29:28.240 And that sucks, you know? 0.96

00:29:29.640 And of course it has a negative spin to it and that's the lens in which you're viewing 0.99

00:29:34.680 it.

00:29:35.160 There might be some truth to it.

00:29:36.500 Not all women. 0.96

00:29:36.660 There might not.

00:29:37.620 Yeah.

00:29:37.980 So, but, but I'll answer both, you know, I, let's start with a pessimistic take.

00:29:46.560 Part of it is they're just selfish.

00:29:49.820 I mean, that's the reality.

00:29:51.020 And, and unfortunately, modern culture promotes selfishness in women and men, everybody. 1.00

00:30:00.120 And so she don't need no man.

00:30:02.640 She can do it on her own.

00:30:04.520 You're keeping her under her thumb. 1.00

00:30:06.160 You just want her barefoot and pregnant. 1.00

00:30:07.980 You know, and so they just make a mockery of the nuclear family and they promote women 1.00

00:30:15.080 not needing to be in this dynamic.

00:30:18.840 And if you need men, you're less, you're less of a woman. 1.00

00:30:23.060 You're weak.

00:30:24.060 I mean, they live, they're living in a culture that is promoting them not to need and or want

00:30:31.320 to be with you.

00:30:32.280 That's right.

00:30:33.060 So that, that's something realistically that men have to contend with.

00:30:40.080 And if you're married, you have to realize that she's hearing those messages on the news.

00:30:46.620 She's hearing it in entertainment.

00:30:49.740 It's all women's empowerment. 1.00

00:30:51.140 She's probably hearing it from her friends who are bitter because they got divorced five years ago and they're out.

00:30:58.040 I'm trying not to be overly pessimistic, but you know, maybe they're out living a less than ideal life and they're impacting and influencing wives.

00:31:08.780 Like that's the reality of it.

00:31:09.900 Now, that being said, there's other reasons that I can think are justifiable.

00:31:17.060 Abuse, cheating, I think would be one.

00:31:22.840 I think those two probably immediately come to mind.

00:31:24.980 And there's other things.

00:31:26.020 Like I would also say that if a woman has repeatedly asked for changed behavior and it doesn't happen and it doesn't take place,

00:31:36.400 how long is she required to bang her head against the wall? 1.00

00:31:39.060 Same for men. 0.62

00:31:40.820 Like if you want her to step up in a certain way and she's not performing to the agreed expectation.

00:31:49.000 By the way, notice I said agreed has to be communicated.

00:31:53.480 How long do you have to bang your head against the wall before that happens?

00:31:58.300 And so it's hard and there's legitimate reasons.

00:32:01.200 I do think one of the distinctions generally, I know there's exception to this, between the way that men and women communicate is generally women tend to think that they're sharing things.

00:32:15.620 Like, hey, I need you to change because if you don't, like I don't want to be in this relationship.

00:32:20.060 I actually believe that when women say what they say, they think that's what they're saying. 0.99

00:32:25.440 But more often than not, it comes out as like, hey, I'm concerned about this behavior.

00:32:29.780 I'm not happy right now, which are valid concerns.

00:32:33.340 But it's not, hey, if you don't change, I'm done with this.

00:32:37.120 Yeah.

00:32:37.420 Those are different things.

00:32:38.700 And so women, if you're listening, you need to be very clear on your communication. 1.00

00:32:42.840 And also you need to make sure he understands the gravity of which you're speaking.

00:32:47.660 I know it's uncomfortable.

00:32:50.060 But if you say, hey, I'm concerned about this, that doesn't mean I'm leaving if you don't change.

00:32:56.040 Or, hey, I haven't been happy for a while.

00:32:58.980 That doesn't mean, hey, I'm packing my bags, which is what you might be doing.

00:33:02.660 So you owe it to him to tell him the truth in a way that he can hear the gravity of the situation.

00:33:09.980 Because I will tell you, I think the overwhelming majority of men will change if they understand the gravity of the situation.

00:33:20.900 Yeah.

00:33:21.120 They will.

00:33:22.460 And then men generally are more direct and blunt.

00:33:25.140 And the downside of that is we can be abrasive and condescending and that sort of thing.

00:33:29.900 And so, yeah, those are the reasons women leave. 1.00

00:33:34.680 And at the end of the day, it's because they believe one of two things.

00:33:40.120 That their life is going to be better without you in it or that their children's lives are going to be better without you in it.

00:33:48.640 That may be warranted.

00:33:50.100 It may not be.

00:33:51.120 But they have to believe that.

00:33:53.100 Otherwise, they would not make that decision.

00:33:55.340 Totally.

00:33:56.040 Totally.

00:33:56.320 And there's power in understanding what leads up to that.

00:34:00.460 You know, like I'll use an example of in corporate America, you know, from my perspective, a leader shouldn't try to get an employee to stay once the employee threatens to leave.

00:34:14.620 And because they got a better offer somewhere else, it's like you're already too late.

00:34:18.520 Right.

00:34:18.780 Like even in that example, Ryan, if you're like, hey, you know, Kip, I'm giving my two week notice.

00:34:22.840 I'm like, oh, hold on, you know, why are you unhappy?

00:34:26.640 Yeah, let's go give you a raise, throw some money at you. 1.00

00:34:28.720 Like, well, hold on.

00:34:30.060 How do we even get here? 1.00

00:34:32.100 Oh, shit. 0.99

00:34:32.680 I should have asked you why you were disengaged a month ago. 1.00

00:34:36.880 Three years ago.

00:34:37.500 I should have asked you why you're unhappy already.

00:34:39.740 And not only that, as men, right, we have a tendency to do is like, well, you know, if she's saying that nothing's wrong, then nothing's wrong.

00:34:48.380 Man, guy, we got to be connected.

00:34:51.900 Right.

00:34:52.340 Are we loving this thing?

00:34:53.760 Is it going well?

00:34:55.620 Are we aligned?

00:34:56.640 Are we fully engaged?

00:34:58.540 Are we excited about what we have?

00:35:01.180 No, we're not.

00:35:02.720 Okay.

00:35:03.060 Let's make some pivots.

00:35:04.140 What does it look like?

00:35:04.940 What are the psychological needs of my partner?

00:35:10.660 In what ways have I created learned hopelessness because they've brought up time and time again something and it didn't have any resolve.

00:35:21.000 And now they feel like there's nothing they can do to change the circumstance because in the past it has had zero results.

00:35:28.620 In what ways are we manipulating and controlling where they don't feel like they have a say and that they're just being acted upon by you?

00:35:40.400 Listen to this, Kip.

00:35:42.080 Oh, go ahead.

00:35:42.740 No, sorry.

00:35:43.360 I thought you were done.

00:35:43.980 Go ahead.

00:35:44.400 I was just going to say this one last thing.

00:35:46.740 Most wars in relationships are of the cold variety.

00:35:53.580 They're stone walls.

00:35:56.400 They're being withdrawn from your partner.

00:35:58.980 They're not being grateful for what they're doing.

00:36:02.260 It's choosing not to serve them.

00:36:06.220 It's of the cold war variety.

00:36:11.100 And then over a period of time, then it becomes just too late.

00:36:15.760 Yeah.

00:36:16.760 I think this would support what you're saying.

00:36:20.180 So this is a survey from Marble Law, and I'm not sure how valid this one is, but I've seen a lot of surveys like this that support this assertion.

00:36:33.540 It says here,

00:36:34.800 It says here,

00:36:35.020 So what that means is, if I'm just doing the math here roughly, that what's that?

00:37:00.340 Almost 70% of women who initiated divorce have waited for a year, have been thinking about it for a year before they actually initiated it. 0.75

00:37:12.220 So I think it supports what you're saying.

00:37:14.600 And I'm not by any means supporting being flippant about breaking up a family, and I hope it doesn't come across that way.

00:37:21.720 But there are some things within our control, at least in our realm of influence, that we ought to be aware of to give ourselves a greater chance of staying with the people we love.

00:37:31.980 Totally.

00:37:32.180 And we're not going to know, like, if we're not having the conversation.

00:37:36.200 I remember at one point, I had a conversation with my wife, and I said, Hey, I'm not liking how things are.

00:37:44.880 And her response was, I thought everything was going really great lately.

00:37:49.480 It was funny, right?

00:37:51.060 Because I was like, Really?

00:37:53.120 Are you serious?

00:37:54.180 She's like, Yeah.

00:37:55.060 Yeah, because you were less present.

00:37:56.100 She was loving life, man.

00:37:57.960 Yeah.

00:37:58.280 And I thought, Interesting.

00:37:59.560 Like, and that goes both ways, right?

00:38:02.140 We got to check in.

00:38:03.660 We got to check in.

00:38:05.240 Yeah.

00:38:06.280 All right.

00:38:06.960 Joe Marino.

00:38:08.060 I just, I feel for him, man.

00:38:09.260 Yeah, good.

00:38:09.560 Like, I actually feel for him.

00:38:10.980 Yeah, I.

00:38:11.360 Because I know it's coming from a place of bitterness, and a lot of men have been there.

00:38:17.600 And so I feel for you.

00:38:18.760 I do.

00:38:20.240 Yeah, I want to apologize, actually, Jeffrey.

00:38:23.380 I don't mean to, like, laugh at your question.

00:38:26.300 You know what I mean?

00:38:26.800 I get it.

00:38:27.520 Yeah, to your point, Ryan, this is serious.

00:38:29.900 It's, I mean, we've been through this.

00:38:32.340 You're right.

00:38:33.220 It's loving.

00:38:33.860 But we've been through this, and trust me, I thought the same thing.

00:38:38.440 Women. 0.81

00:38:39.200 All of them.

00:38:40.580 You know?

00:38:41.180 Yeah.

00:38:41.460 It's, your world's falling apart.

00:38:43.580 Right.

00:38:43.820 So it's tough.

00:38:47.240 Joe Marino.

00:38:48.320 After your divorce, how much time did you take for yourself before getting back into the dating scene?

00:38:53.580 During that time, what factors determined if it was time to date?

00:38:57.740 And is second marriage in the cards for you, or are you, or, or is having a girlfriend adequate going forward?

00:39:04.900 Yeah, so I started dating about three or four months after the divorce was finalized.

00:39:14.880 And, you know, some people are like, oh, that's too early.

00:39:17.900 Or, like, it doesn't really matter what other people think.

00:39:21.520 Yeah.

00:39:21.880 You know, I wasn't, I wasn't out to get married or replace anything.

00:39:27.420 That wasn't what I was doing.

00:39:29.560 And I don't think it was too, I still don't think it was too early.

00:39:32.160 I felt like I was in a good place because I had done a lot of work.

00:39:34.720 And I had done work, not just for that three to four months, but I'd also done work for about six months prior to that.

00:39:40.940 Yeah.

00:39:41.320 Of becoming sober, getting therapy, learning how to journal, learning how to process thoughts,

00:39:47.580 learning about where my frustrations and angers and resentments and all of those things,

00:39:51.920 just the, the factors of life were derived from.

00:39:55.280 So I spent a lot of time thinking about that.

00:39:57.760 But I also will say this, if Joe, is it Joe?

00:40:02.240 Yeah.

00:40:03.380 Yeah.

00:40:03.800 If, if he's thinking about dating, I would say just not, be careful is not the right word, but just be cautious.

00:40:12.100 Like don't, you don't need to go in to get into a relationship.

00:40:15.500 You don't need to go in to find the next one.

00:40:18.880 You might.

00:40:20.060 And if that opportunity presents itself and you're both in a place to do it and there's compatibility there,

00:40:24.260 then by all means, maybe you should pursue that.

00:40:26.620 But I think in the dating world, too many people put just hard line stances about what they are.

00:40:32.140 This is my next, whatever.

00:40:34.200 And it might be, but it's probably not.

00:40:36.560 And let go of the pressure of whatever you're putting on yourself and whatever you might be putting on her and just enjoy the process of dating.

00:40:47.620 That's what I would suggest.

00:40:49.500 Yeah.

00:40:49.620 And then will I ever get married again?

00:40:51.640 Probably not.

00:40:52.480 I don't, I don't really, I mean, maybe I'm not, I'm not a no, but I'm also not a yes.

00:40:58.980 Well, it sounds like you're taking your own advice, right?

00:41:01.180 You're like, well, it, let's see, it, it just is.

00:41:04.580 And I'm not going to put the weight on something.

00:41:08.120 Right.

00:41:08.600 And I, but I do know this.

00:41:09.820 I do know that I want to be in a long-term committed relationship.

00:41:13.820 Like, I want to be with one woman the rest of my life. 1.00

00:41:16.340 That is what I want.

00:41:18.720 Do I have to go sign a paper at the courthouse to do that?

00:41:22.540 Is that even in my best interest or hers?

00:41:25.880 You know, I know that, and women might say, well, there's a lot of legal protections. 1.00

00:41:29.360 I don't know that depending on the state that there's many more legal protections if you go down and sign a document than if you don't, depending on how long you guys have been together.

00:41:40.380 And I know it's state by state specific, but I don't really have a desire now to be married.

00:41:47.160 I have a desire to be in a long-term committed relationship with a woman that I love.

00:41:52.060 And that's what I know.

00:41:53.760 What's the key thing that you would tell Joe, like, what are some key pointers that you would add to dating and making sure or things to consider before starting dating again?

00:42:12.160 Oh, before dating?

00:42:13.860 Yes.

00:42:14.340 Number one, I'd ask yourself, why are you dating?

00:42:19.240 Are you dating to find a partner where you can be in a healthy relationship with and provide and add value to each other and love each other?

00:42:25.460 Or are you doing it to fill a void?

00:42:27.580 Or are you doing it to get back at an ex or to make her jealous?

00:42:31.500 Like, there's all sorts of things people do all the time.

00:42:35.040 Or is it because you're lonely and you just need companionship?

00:42:37.360 I don't know that that last one is a deal breaker on why you shouldn't.

00:42:42.320 It's just something to be very aware of because you can go find a woman and just not be lonely pretty easily.

00:42:48.440 But when men do that, they run the risk of overlooking red flags and they get themselves into emotionally vested relationships.

00:42:57.100 And also, I think at some point, unless you're very clear about it, you're actually taking advantage of a woman.

00:43:04.560 And I don't think that's fair.

00:43:05.680 Yeah, she thinks it's more serious than it really is.

00:43:08.980 Right.

00:43:09.680 Look, if you're using each other, like, she's lonely, you're lonely, okay, and you guys are up front about it.

00:43:15.720 I mean, there's certain behavior that you could make a case for or not make a case for.

00:43:20.180 But as long as you're both aware of it and you're up front and you're honest, you guys are two grown adults.

00:43:25.960 You can do whatever you want.

00:43:27.020 But I would just really, really question why you are getting into a relationship before you start doing that.

00:43:37.840 Yeah.

00:43:38.180 The only thing I'd add, Joe, is learn.

00:43:41.080 You know, we talk about this a lot here.

00:43:42.680 But, like, learn.

00:43:43.800 Right?

00:43:44.020 You went through a divorce.

00:43:45.000 Why?

00:43:46.840 And it can't be 100% her fault and you've done nothing wrong.

00:43:50.780 That's not the answer we're looking for there.

00:43:53.380 Right?

00:43:53.860 It's like, why did you get divorced and what was your role in it?

00:43:57.300 And get clear so you can learn and grow and you can be a better version of yourself, right, and progress and move on.

00:44:04.200 But if she's all at fault and you're not at fault at all, I'm telling you, there's an opportunity for you to evaluate and find something to grow and learn from.

00:44:14.160 Well, and also, here's a way to look at this.

00:44:19.060 I don't necessarily agree with it, but it's kind of an interesting thought experiment.

00:44:22.860 If it was all her fault, let's just say hypothetically it was.

00:44:26.900 Everything was her fault.

00:44:28.120 Again, not true, but let's just, for the sake of this argument.

00:44:31.680 Well, why did you choose her?

00:44:34.320 Good point.

00:44:34.940 And that's a thought worth considering because I know there's a lot of men out there who are in relationships right now with women that they didn't, they did not want to be in relationships with.

00:44:47.060 Why?

00:44:48.200 And that goes back to what void were you filling?

00:44:51.140 What need were you trying to, you know, fill and provide for yourself at the expense of something that could have been really, really good?

00:45:01.140 Yeah.

00:45:01.860 Yeah, totally.

00:45:02.300 Bob Ross, when making a large financial family decision, buying a home, second home, RV, investment property, do you have a system you use to make sure you are evaluated as many possible aspects or do you just research and go with instinct?

00:45:18.260 I'm more of an instinct intuition guy.

00:45:20.640 I mean, when it comes to financial decisions, I'm a financial advisor in another life.

00:45:26.580 So, I mean, I have that training and that knowledge, but yeah, sure.

00:45:30.920 I'm going to look at the cost and interest rates and what I think it will be in the future.

00:45:36.180 For example, about four months, three, four months ago, I was looking to purchase a home here just around the corner from me, actually.

00:45:44.240 And I talked to the guy and I looked at the place.

00:45:48.680 He's a friend of mine and I had an idea of what I thought it was worth and what I would pay for it.

00:45:53.060 And I said, well, what do you, because he showed it to me just one evening because we're friends and he's like, yeah, just come over.

00:45:58.040 So I went over.

00:45:58.820 It's his, it's a house next door to him.

00:46:02.040 And he told me the amount and I'm like, what?

00:46:05.360 And he's like, yeah, that's what it is.

00:46:06.580 I'm like, man, that's crazy.

00:46:07.800 He's like, I would have said the same thing, but my real estate agent said it's not.

00:46:11.480 And I wanted you to look at it because I already have two offers in it at full asking price.

00:46:17.220 But I wanted to give you the opportunity to make a decision before I entertain those offers.

00:46:22.660 I'm like, well, that's really gracious of you, but I can't ask you to overlook quite a bit of money if you have two full asking price offers on the table.

00:46:35.100 I'm out.

00:46:36.060 And he's like, yeah, no problem.

00:46:37.120 And he sold it within a week.

00:46:40.040 That would have been a bad decision.

00:46:41.840 Like it was for what it was with where the market is right now.

00:46:45.060 I don't, I don't think, yeah, it'll probably go up for a little bit, but the market is so volatile right now.

00:46:50.360 It's not really a time for me to do it.

00:46:51.820 Plus interest rates.

00:46:52.780 I'm like, no, thank you.

00:46:53.760 Hard pass.

00:46:54.440 Even if I was going to Airbnb the thing, it's like, it's going to take me 27 years to break even.

00:47:01.560 And what could I have done with that money in 27 years?

00:47:04.660 So, yeah, I take all that into consideration.

00:47:07.040 But I'll tell you what, most of the, my intuition is pretty good.

00:47:13.960 And so is yours.

00:47:15.980 And if it doesn't feel right, there's probably a reason.

00:47:20.800 Yeah.

00:47:21.440 And I knew even before, even before I got into the house, I'm like, I don't think so.

00:47:28.100 I didn't know why.

00:47:29.840 But it was confirmed with the math and some other reasons.

00:47:34.240 But, yeah, like use both.

00:47:37.880 That's the point I'm making.

00:47:39.180 Don't overlook your intuition and don't rely just on the numbers.

00:47:45.140 Like use both.

00:47:46.460 Yeah.

00:47:47.040 Both have their place.

00:47:48.580 Well, and emotion shows up in there, you know.

00:47:52.720 Emotion's different than intuition too.

00:47:54.600 And I think we need to be very clear about that.

00:47:57.160 Totally.

00:47:58.260 Especially if your wife loves the house because then that's, she's emotional.

00:48:01.400 She loves it because she sees the kids playing and frolicking in the living room and running around with water gun fights in the backyard.

00:48:09.260 She sees all of that.

00:48:10.260 And you just see the mortgage payment that you have to make.

00:48:13.540 Yeah.

00:48:14.340 So intuition is different to me than emotion is.

00:48:18.360 Yeah, absolutely.

00:48:19.560 And that emotion will sometimes cloud the other two.

00:48:23.320 Always will cloud it.

00:48:24.340 I mean, you could play with the numbers until you're blue in the face and come up with something that works in your mind when you've already made the decision you want to have this house.

00:48:33.260 Yeah.

00:48:34.300 Yep, totally.

00:48:35.060 Andrew Workman.

00:48:36.900 This is going to be personal, but I think it's necessary.

00:48:39.700 You've been through some hard crap over the past few years and I've done well to turn it around and rebuild while still trying to maintain being honorable to what was and hopefully for what will be.

00:48:52.620 What are some of the major lessons you've learned and what, if any, are some of the stances and or tips you've given before that this rough time has pushed you to reflect and rethink?

00:49:05.560 Yeah, what are some of the things that I've learned?

00:49:10.140 Do you think he's asking specifically about getting back on the road to being better or what?

00:49:21.320 It's so broad.

00:49:22.020 It's just such a broad question.

00:49:24.080 I mean, I've learned a lot.

00:49:25.660 I mean, I've learned how to deal with my emotions.

00:49:28.780 I've learned how to journal and think about that and identify where these things are coming from.

00:49:37.020 I've learned how to be more patient.

00:49:39.420 I've learned why our battle plan, the thing that we created 10 years ago, is so vital that you actually follow it.

00:49:46.660 The value of being honest with yourself and other people.

00:49:50.400 I mean, I could go on and on and on.

00:49:53.680 Yeah.

00:49:53.840 Yeah, I think as far as the system goes, it's the battle plan.

00:49:57.500 You have to have a system like that where you're thinking about your vision.

00:50:02.880 I just sat down just a couple of days ago and recast my vision.

00:50:06.420 And I was like 80, 90 percent the same.

00:50:09.640 But there were a few things in there.

00:50:10.940 I'm like, you know what?

00:50:11.660 Like, I've learned a few things.

00:50:13.040 These are the things that need to be included in there as well.

00:50:15.540 A lot of it was around self-care, you know, that I'm willing to take care of myself.

00:50:19.960 Physically, I do pretty well, but mentally and emotionally, I'm not really that great at that stuff, which I think was causing a lot of the problems in my life, especially when it came to alcohol abuse, because I could not – you can't escape it.

00:50:34.100 You know, your mind and your emotions are always turned on, and you don't really understand them.

00:50:38.140 You don't understand why they're coming up.

00:50:39.760 And so you cope or you sedate, and that I was doing both, and it created real tangible problems in my life.

00:50:50.140 So I've realized I can't do that.

00:50:52.480 I have to learn how to tackle them and address them, which means a lot of discomfort at times, you know, being alone, being with your thoughts, not rushing to take action.

00:51:04.780 You know, you have – we always hear this thing of overthinkers.

00:51:10.380 I'm not an overthinker.

00:51:11.740 I'm an overactor and an underthinker.

00:51:14.560 I think too little, and I act too fast.

00:51:18.620 And that goes back to that intuition.

00:51:20.260 If it feels right, do it.

00:51:22.120 Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.

00:51:23.360 Like, take a step back for a second and ask yourself, should I really be doing that?

00:51:27.500 Or if it's something you want to do, it probably will be something that you want to do tomorrow.

00:51:32.620 You don't need to make the decision right now.

00:51:36.160 Man, there's so many lessons I've learned.

00:51:38.860 Yeah.

00:51:39.660 You know, it's – for me, Andrew, full disclosure actually, I feel this past couple weeks, I feel like I'm a little bit in this crossroads space.

00:51:49.660 I'm stressed.

00:51:50.200 And a lot of the time when I get into stressful circumstances, we move to an external locus of control.

00:52:04.660 We immediately start focusing on all the things outside of our realm of control that is dictating and making us feel disempowered, right?

00:52:15.100 I mean, that's the definition of a victim mindset or being in a space of disempowerment is that something outside of your control is acting upon you.

00:52:26.200 And there's a sense of hopelessness because there's nothing for you to do about it.

00:52:32.680 That's the lie that we tell ourselves and we can talk about another time about why we naturally do that.

00:52:39.460 But that's the ultimate lie.

00:52:41.280 And for me, last week, I literally did this exercise.

00:52:45.200 I went, got it.

00:52:46.060 Like, okay, first, deal in reality.

00:52:50.840 What's the full – you know, lay out the cards on the table.

00:52:53.680 What I got placed before me.

00:52:56.600 Here's the reality.

00:52:58.400 Forget the meaning behind it all.

00:53:01.180 Well, it means this.

00:53:02.000 It shouldn't be this.

00:53:02.920 Stop.

00:53:03.780 This is just what is.

00:53:06.480 So now, what am I going to do about it?

00:53:11.340 What are the areas of responsibility?

00:53:13.800 What's within my realm of control?

00:53:16.320 What's possible solutions?

00:53:18.280 And I start taking action. 0.95

00:53:19.500 The minute you do that, this, quote, unquote, hard, crap, tough times, it's just life now. 0.88

00:53:30.360 And it's amazing to me how much empowerment I get through just accepting and dealing in reality and moving to action. 0.87

00:53:41.500 But most of us don't, right?

00:53:44.680 Most of us hold on to, oh, I shouldn't have to do this.

00:53:48.760 And this is, you know, this – it's Ryan's fault.

00:53:51.500 It's not my fault.

00:53:52.740 And we wait and hope for circumstances to change.

00:53:56.020 And that's where a sense of disempowerment comes from.

00:54:00.140 And so deal with it. 0.94

00:54:01.500 Yeah, it's – you know, you got a shitty situation. 0.93

00:54:04.000 Got it. 0.72

00:54:04.600 Okay.

00:54:05.440 It is.

00:54:06.000 So what areas of responsibility, what's within my realm of control, and how do I move to action?

00:54:15.860 Simple formula.

00:54:17.000 Hard to do in practice and you'll mess up, but just keep doing that.

00:54:20.840 That's a really good formula.

00:54:21.920 I like it.

00:54:24.180 Mark Moreas.

00:54:26.080 I think this one might have been asked already.

00:54:28.460 So my apologies if it's a repeat, but why are more men, especially younger men, are starting to move more towards the right side politically?

00:54:38.640 I'm more in the middle, but I've learned more – but I lean more towards the right.

00:54:42.960 Oh, it's easy.

00:54:47.060 Truth, structure, discipline, commitment, sacrifice.

00:54:53.700 Like, man, you let people run rampant and roughshod all over the truth and just let them do what they want and just believe everybody and help them be who they are and give them no direction or guidance or anything.

00:55:09.720 Men crumble under that.

00:55:11.520 We need structure.

00:55:12.660 We need discipline.

00:55:14.040 We need objective truth with a capital T.

00:55:17.900 Would you say we're drawn towards that, Ryan?

00:55:20.660 Of course.

00:55:21.520 Just naturally.

00:55:22.000 Yeah.

00:55:22.620 One of the largest growing churches for young men right now is the Eastern Orthodox Church.

00:55:27.800 I don't know if you understand anything about these congregations, but it is structured.

00:55:33.280 It is disciplined.

00:55:35.140 It asks a lot.

00:55:37.340 Sacrifice is required.

00:55:39.200 And it is intense.

00:55:41.160 It's the same reason – look, it's the same reason we're starting to see military engagement and enrollment numbers go up over the past year or so, maybe a little less than.

00:55:50.720 It's because when the message was, come find yourself and be free to express who you are, men aren't interested in that.

00:56:01.860 Teach me.

00:56:03.280 Guide me.

00:56:04.400 Mold me.

00:56:05.660 Shape me.

00:56:06.780 Tell me how to behave.

00:56:08.440 Tell me how to be like you.

00:56:09.540 Aspirational, directional, these are all things that I think men are generally more of than women. 0.84

00:56:16.840 And so when I saw a billboard for the Marine Corps the other day, and I can't remember exactly what it said, but it was an old school billboard, but it was new.

00:56:27.260 And I'm like, finally.

00:56:29.280 The messaging is like, be all that you can be.

00:56:31.900 You know, like, come here and this is what you're going to do.

00:56:35.240 Be part of the mission.

00:56:36.680 You're not here to figure out who you are.

00:56:38.660 We're here to mold you into who you could be.

00:56:42.000 This is messaging that men just thrive under.

00:56:45.100 We need fathering.

00:56:46.540 It's also not surprising to me that the downfall and destruction of our young men and boys corresponds perfectly with the lack of male father figures in the home and community.

00:56:58.600 We need fathering.

00:57:01.980 We crave structure and discipline.

00:57:05.340 And that's exactly what the military will give.

00:57:09.260 That's what a structured church environment will give.

00:57:12.840 And I also believe that is, I'm trying to be aware and be honest and fair in my assessment, but I believe that is, I'll say it this way, that is the rights message.

00:57:26.260 Yeah.

00:57:26.360 Now, is it applied perfectly?

00:57:29.320 Of course not.

00:57:30.680 Of course it isn't.

00:57:32.160 But that's the message.

00:57:33.860 And that's what men hear and what men want.

00:57:36.920 Yeah.

00:57:37.340 Well, and Mark, where else are they going to go?

00:57:39.740 Political left that will demonize you for being masculine?

00:57:45.140 That will belittle you and throw you under the bus and say, oh, no, you're inferior as a male and that you're not needed?

00:57:54.420 Are you joking? 0.53

00:57:55.180 There ain't no toxic masculinity.

00:57:58.020 Yeah.

00:57:58.600 No wonder.

00:57:59.560 Paint all men as villains.

00:58:01.300 Yeah. 1.00

00:58:02.520 You're – the politically left paints men as stupid or violent and they're oppressors. 0.99

00:58:11.760 Any individual – I mean it says a lot about men that are politically left on how distorted their minds are because I'm like how do you even like operate with like accepting that as the status quo of you, which is just so damaging. 0.99

00:58:35.080 Like probably very low self-esteem, probably falls into the category of nice guys, of course, just appeasing everybody, just making sure that everyone's OK and having zero standards for oneself and being shit on constantly by people. 0.85

00:58:54.200 That's like the political left male. 0.95

00:58:56.200 I think it's the quintessential one that we see.

00:59:02.700 I mean I'll also say that I do think there are people who have liberal ideas that I could say are very successful and faithful and committed and able to make sacrifices for their families and their communities.

00:59:19.200 Sure.

00:59:19.920 But you start dancing on those fringes and it gets bad real quick and that's – I would make that distinction between being a Democrat or a liberal and being a leftist.

00:59:31.880 Yeah.

00:59:32.880 And that denial of truth and men are the villains of court.

00:59:39.780 That's a great point you made.

00:59:40.960 Where else would they go?

00:59:42.080 Good call.

00:59:43.580 Yeah.

00:59:43.920 Not interested.

00:59:45.720 It's crazy.

00:59:47.080 All right, sir.

00:59:47.720 Call to action.

00:59:50.060 Yeah, go ahead.

00:59:51.880 Yeah, I was just going to say we've got the event coming up May 1st, so it's last minute now.

00:59:55.700 But if you still want a ticket, we've still got a few tickets left, so jump on over there at themensforge.com.

01:00:01.040 That's going to be a really, really good event.

01:00:02.960 I've been talking with our team every week to shape it and put everything together and I'm excited for that.

01:00:08.740 Outside of that, check out our resources over at orderofman.com and orderofman.com slash battle ready.

01:00:16.220 That would be your marching orders for today.

01:00:18.040 Anything else though, Kip?

01:00:19.440 Nope.

01:00:19.820 Just connect with Mickler on the socials, Instagram and X, at Ryan Mickler.

01:00:24.980 And just a thank you as always.

01:00:29.460 You know, like I – some of these questions, you know, we had some tough questions that are difficult circumstances.

01:00:37.540 You're obviously dealing with it.

01:00:39.080 Otherwise, you wouldn't have asked the question.

01:00:41.740 And so I'm grateful that you're dealing with it and your willingness to put it out there for us to talk about and for other men to consider for themselves.

01:00:49.560 That's the power of this conversation and what we get to do each week.

01:00:53.340 So just, you know, me personally, just thank you.

01:00:57.520 Yeah, awesome.

01:00:58.880 All right, guys.

01:00:59.640 You've got your marching orders.

01:01:00.780 Appreciate you all.

01:01:01.800 We'll be back on Friday.

01:01:03.180 Until then, go out there, take action, and become the man you are meant to be.

01:01:06.980 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.

01:01:13.760 If you're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be, we invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

01:01:20.940 We'll be right back.

Order of Man - April 23, 2025

The Pleasure of Pursuit, Why Young Men Are Moving to the Right, and the Power and Peril of Solitude ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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