The Proximity Principle, Freedom and Human Worth, and Balance is a Verb ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 9 minutes
Words per Minute
182.00713
Summary
On this episode of the podcast, the brother and sister duo of the sit down with Ryan and Kip Sorensen. They talk about their week, the upcoming wedding of the bride to be, and much more!
Transcript
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You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart
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your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.
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You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who
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you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,
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you can call yourself a man. Mr. Kip Sorensen, what's up, man? Great to see you, brother.
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Good to see you as well, man. How was your week? It was good. We didn't do a whole lot. The kids
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were at, the two oldest were at fishing camp. That's right. The stuff they get to do, I was
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like, I never got to do fishing camp. But they slayed them at fishing camp, and they had a good
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time. We were with the little ones. It was amazing. People are like, oh, two's so hard. One, having a
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child is hard. Having two is hard. Having three is hard. Having four is hard. It's like, it's not
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really. It just becomes life. It just is. But then when your two oldest ones leave, you're
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like, having two is easy. It's so easy, especially because they're little. You just have to give
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them just a little bit of an attention and swim in the pool with them. So it was a good
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time. We had a great time. And the older boys did as well. So it was good, man. How about
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you? We have, so we have a wedding in our backyard. My sister's, my wife's sister is
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getting married in our backyard this coming week in from Spain. And so we have this kind
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of, you know, they're staying at our house and we're trying to like, make sure they have
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a great time. So it's a little exhausting. You know what I mean?
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Yeah. Wait, she's leaving Spain to come have a wedding in Utah. That seems so backwards
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because her family's all here and he's kind of like, he's kind of, you know, I don't give
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a crap about a wedding. Yeah. And so she's like, well, then I want to have my wedding where
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my family is. And so now, no. So they're coming to Utah. Even the ladies, even the ladies listening
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can attest, just have it in Spain. You're going to save money and it's Spain. And if
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you can really find out, you could, it is, you could find out very quickly who really loves
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you and who doesn't. So, and also in regards to who goes to Spain, then you don't have to
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have a big thing. That sounds like the perfect scenario, but whatever, to each their own.
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What we may not be alluding to is my wife probably goes, well, I don't want to go to Spain. And so
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it's probably convinced her sister to do it in our yard because it's what's convenient for her.
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So my wife usually gets what she wants. Props to Asia then. Props to her. Well played.
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Well, but you could have got out of a wedding. That's what I'm thinking.
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No, that should be fun. That should be good. Yeah. Cool, man. Well, let's get into some questions
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for today. Yeah, for sure. So we're also congratulations to the bride to be, I'm kind
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of busting her chops a little bit, but congrats. We're excited for you. Yeah. And he's a great
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guy. So we're, we're happy for us. All right. So we're building questions from Instagram to connect
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with Mr. Mickler there or on Twitter. That's at Ryan Mickler. And we're just going to kind of pick
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up from where we left off last week. So first question one thing before you get to that, since
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you're speaking about marriage, I made a post yesterday, uh, on Twitter. I think I also made
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it on Instagram and I had taken a picture of my family and I before, as we got dressed up and went
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to church, this is something we do saw that. And, uh, I made the post of, I said, man, and then
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quotations mark. No, I did a different one. That's a little bit more controversial. So this is the one
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I'm alluding to the good life. It is blessed the good life. Hope you guys have a great Sunday,
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all that kind of stuff. But I made one that was more controversial. And I said, men quote,
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good luck, even finding a woman who wants to marry you for life, have a bunch of kids with you and
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then be a committed wife and a mother for the rest of your life. And then below that, I put men or I
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put also men quote, I hate going to church. Why would any man ever go to church? And look, I'm not,
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look, there's a lot of reasons to go to church. There's a lot of reasons to have the gospel in your
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life. Yep. Finding a goodly woman is one of those reasons. So that will help you also go to. Yeah.
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Well, and look, somebody asked, they said, well, did you meet your wife at church? I said, no,
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I didn't meet my wife at church. I actually met her through a friend. And then we started working
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in the mall together at different stores, but I started going to church with her probably two or
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three weeks into us dating and I've been going ever since. Yeah. So there's a lot of reasons.
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And the reason I'm even bringing this up, obviously we're talking about marriage, but
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if that's something that you're interested in, then I would suggest to you that you have to go
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where the good women are. Like a bunch of guys are like, well, you know, I'm finding all these like
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whores and these people sleep around and have a bunch of kids. I'm like, well, where are you finding
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Like that's, that's what kind of women you're going to find there. And maybe that's okay for
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whatever your goal is for the weekend. But if you're looking for something more than you need
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to go where the women that you want to spend time with are, where are they? They're at church.
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They're at business functions. They're friends of the good women that you already know in your life.
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Like go there. The same is true about women or even business. Well, I can't make any businesses,
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business contacts. Well, what are you doing? Well, I'm just like making cold calls. Well,
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okay. Of course you're not making any contacts. Go where the business professionals are. They're
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at Business Network International. They're at Rotor. They're at Chamber. They're at business
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functions. They're at luncheons. They're at golf outings. They're at events. Guys, you have,
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there's a great book called The Proximity Principle by Ken Coleman, who's been on the
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podcast a couple of times. You have to be in proximity to what you want. And I'm not here to
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tell you that it's just going to rub off by osmosis. It isn't. Maybe to a degree, you'll pick
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some things up. But if you want to succeed in life, if you want to be fit, if you want to have a good
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woman in your life, if you want to get your finances in order, if you want to add value, if you want to do
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whatever, then the first step is to, in the absence of anything else, is to be in proximity
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to what you want. And then you start building from there and making yourself worthy is not the
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right word, but making yourself, I'll just use word. It's not the right word, but I'll use worthy
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because I can't think of a better one right now. Worthy of being in the proximity of those kinds of
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people. That's how you succeed in life. Totally. And is that a result primarily because
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most opportunities present themselves through relationships? And by being in proximity, it's
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like, I don't think you can have a relationship or excuse me, an opportunity without a relationship.
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Yeah. I mean, I really can't think of an opportunity that exists in the absence of a relationship that,
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I mean, maybe you can come up with one, but I'm, I'd have to rack my brain for a long time to think
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about that. So yeah, I think that's, I think that's well said. I would agree with that.
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Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting. I was over the weekend, I was talking about this very subject with,
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with someone at the lake, like a neighbor's friend. And it's funny how often we lose sight of
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relationships being the key of things, you know, even in consulting, we'll go, oh, the client,
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right. It's like the, well, the client signed this out and the client's happy or the client's not
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happy. No. Jason signed the statement of work. Good distinction. Yeah. Fred signed the proposal.
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They're happy. Susan's happy. Like it's not some elusive company. It's the relationship with those
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specific individuals that really is the relationship with the organization. And we have a tendency
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sometimes to lose our humanity in that conversation. And, and I think it's a little bit because we,
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we remove ourselves from the pressure of it. When we're out, it's like, if someone's unhappy,
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a client's unhappy, it's like, well, no, that person's unhappy. And just like any other relationship,
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we need to address the issue. And the issue might be that we did, we miss something or may, or, and I'm,
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I don't know why I'm going negative here, but we miss something. And as a result that reflected poorly
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on them in the organization that they work, that's, that's the issue. It's seldom like, you know,
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the client's upset. No people are. Well, I think one of the reasons we also do this,
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in addition to what you're saying is that people typically represent the bulk of our problems.
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Yeah. It's usually people, right? Totally. Oh, my wife isn't doing, my boss is this way.
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My client isn't doing what they're supposed to be doing. And so we, we strip the humanity out of it
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because we can't see them ourselves in their shoes. And so we're like, yeah, the client's a dick.
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It's like, well, hold on a second. If you put yourself in that client's shoes,
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would you be responding the same way? You, you might, you actually might be worse
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than the way that they're behaving if you were in that position. So I got into a, not, not a tiff,
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but I challenged Ryan holiday to join me back on the podcast about a week ago, because I really like
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a lot of what he shares. I like a lot of his messaging and his books. I take real issue with
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the direction that he's gone over the past couple of years. Specifically to me from the outside,
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looking in, it started with his response to COVID and then drag steam, drag, drag queen story hour
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at his bookstore and things like this, which I don't agree with, but I will talk about his,
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his book. And one of the things that he says is he says the obstacle is the way. So where people
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tend to complain about other people, my wife's a bitch, my boss is an asshole. My client's being
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unreasonable. If that's the obstacle, it's also the path forward. So maybe instead of thinking
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your wife is a bitch, ask yourself, why is she behaving or acting that way? Maybe because you
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are the bitch and she's just where the growth is. Right. Or your boss is an asshole. Well,
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why, why would he be different to you? You come in late, you show up, you don't perform the way you
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said you would. You leave early. You look for every excuse to get out of other opportunities to build
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some responsibility. Oh, my client's a jerk. Well, when's the last time you reached out to
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him just to see how things were going or how we could help or, or offer a new solution or
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saving some money on his insurance. You see what I'm saying? Like, yeah, the obstacle is the way
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the obstacle is the people, but the path forward is also the people. So let's not strip humanity out
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of it. And let's try to keep people human. And look, this is hard for me, especially on social
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media. When somebody says, you know, you're an idiot or you're this or that, it's like, am I like,
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if I want that person to look me objectively, or if I've said it to somebody else and I have, I, I,
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I actually, I think I called somebody a moron on a live the other day. And I was like, ah, I actually
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felt really bad about it. So I apologized on the live. I'm like, look, man, I'm sorry. I shouldn't
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have said that. And he messaged me back and he was like, Hey bro, I jumped in late. I was trying to
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throw a wrench into the system. I'm sorry. And I said, Hey, all good. I shouldn't have called you
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a moron. That's not true. Like you probably had some legitimate questions. Appreciate you reaching
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out. And it was cool. Like it was good. So I do the same thing. And this is why I'm talking about
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it, but maybe just instead of thinking the person's a moron or a dipshit or an asshole or whatever,
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maybe consider that they're not, and they might see it differently than you, or maybe they actually
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see it the same as you, but you guys are using different words or it's getting lost in translation.
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And let's start to put some of the humanity back into this so we can have some civil discourse.
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Yeah, totally. First question. Unless I get off on another tangent, which I might feel it's very
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possible. Hey, it is the Ryan. Yeah. I was going to say it's your podcast. You interrupt whenever you'd
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like. That's right. All right. Forward. Always the people show. This is not my show. This is the
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people show. Oh, the people. Yeah, sure. Yeah. All right. What do you got? All right.
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Four dollars for me though. Okay. How do you continue to find the motivation to be the man
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you are needed to, needed to be set back after setback? I've had four surgeries in six years,
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two cervical fusions, one lumbar, just recently a hip replacement surgery, all from a car accident six
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years ago. So setback after setback, how do you find the motivation to still show up as the man
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that you need to be? Well, I think you need to change the premise of the question. First and
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foremost, is it a setback? I mean, yes. Yes. From, from one perspective, from your physical capacity,
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absolutely. I'm not trying to devalue or diminish what you're going through. I've never had to deal with
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anything even remotely close to what you're dealing with. The closest I have is my pectoral
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tear that I had about a surgery on about four weeks ago. It's the closest I've had. You can see
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I'm out of my sling. I'm moving around. I'm feeling pretty good, but still I'm a little discouraged
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physically. Right. And I can let that translate over mentally, which I have over the past three to four
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weeks at times, throwing myself a little pity party and taking it out on my wife and my kids and all
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that kind of stuff. But also for the last two weeks, I've been going to jujitsu. Now I don't
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get to train jujitsu, but that's, that's, I'm incapable of doing that at this stage, but I go
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and I do my workout. Well, my workout doesn't include bench press. It doesn't include overhead,
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actually one arm overhead presses, a lot of lunges, a lot of squats, a lot of sit-ups, a lot of presses,
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a lot of one arm curls, these kinds of things. So when I come back, there's going to be things
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about jujitsu that are going to be off for me. My timing is going to be atrocious. My stamina and
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cardio is going to be wrecked, but you know what? I'm going to come back and those guys are going to
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be like, dude, how are you so strong? I'm going to come back and be a little bit more technical.
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I think than when I left, because I'm studying and drilling on the technical side of it, which is not
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one of my strengths. I follow a couple of accounts on Instagram that are teaching stretching and flow
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type movements to help work your game, even though you might not be training in a moment.
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So there's a lot of things that I'm currently doing that are actually going to help me be
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better in a different way. So is it really a setback? In one dynamic, if I'm a one-dimensional
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person, yes, but I'm not. And the gentleman who asked this question is not one-dimensional.
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So if your wife leaves you, that's a setback, but also it represents an opportunity for you to
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develop a deeper relationship with your kids. Also, it gives you your time to focus on a career.
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When I went through my separation with my wife, we had a one-year-old son at the time
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and I focused heavy on myself. I got my fitness in order. I got my finances dialed in. I started
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going back to church. I built some friendships. I developed some new hobbies. And you know what?
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Now I look back and this was 13 years ago. It looked like a setback 13 years ago.
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Today, it looks like it presented a tremendous opportunity for me to become a better man.
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My wife and I celebrated 18 years of marriage this year. Now we have four children.
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So in the moment, it's like the stock market. You know, you got a hundred grand in the stock market
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and you look at what it's done over 2021 and 2022. It doesn't look good.
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But if you zone back and you zoom out a little bit over five years, 10 years, 15 years, 20,
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30 years, it actually, you can't even see it. And if you made the right decisions in the moment,
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you'll actually be better off. When I got into the financial market in 2008, 2009, which was one of
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the worst times to get into financial planning prior to 2021, 2022, Biden's presidency, I got into
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it in a really horrible time. And what I saw is people that pulled their money out of the stock
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market had a really, really difficult time recovery. See, they were fixated. Well, I'm losing
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money. Say, oh, I got to pull my money. I got to make these decisions. And they were making
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emotionally charged decisions to pull their money, which was not good. They pulled their money out.
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The people that said, you know what? That stinks. Let me rebalance. Let me just keep the status quo.
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Let me see what I need to do, but let me keep my money in the market. And we keep trenching forward.
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Those people within a period of three to four to five years were significantly better off than they
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were five years prior. It was the ones who made emotionally charged decisions to pull their money
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out of the market and stop playing the game altogether took seven, eight, 10, 12. Some of
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them haven't ever recovered because they never put their money back in the market. So I got to ask you
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the same question. You've got these physical setbacks. Are you going to make emotionally charged decisions
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like sit around and drink and complain and gripe at everybody around you? Or are you going to be
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a 360 degree type man where you're looking at your mental wellbeing, your spiritual state, your
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finances, hobbies, friends, activities, wholesome, enjoyable recreation, and look at the other 359
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degrees of your life, or you just fixated on this one and making emotionally charged decisions that you
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may never recover from. When I read these questions, Ryan, I immediately go to the, and I understand
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there's a dichotomy here. So I want to run this by you and like, where's the balance here. But when I
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first read this question, the first thought that enters my mind is your circumstances don't define
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you. It's what you do with them, right? Kind of a more of a stoic approach of, Hey man, like
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ultimately success in life, in my opinion. And we have a tendency to, to seek after circumstances,
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right? We think like, Oh, if I'm healthy and if my finances and circumstances are aligned, then
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like life is good. Is it, or, or is life really good when you have setback after setback and you rise
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up and become a better person, constantly growing and proving and showing to your children and those
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that love you, like what it looks like to persevere and rise up despite of circumstance. I like that
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thought process, but in the same breath, you know, we're men of results, right? And you could handle
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setbacks all you want and rise up up. And maybe you never reached the results either. Right. And we,
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we want results and we want to be successful. We want to actually be healthy, not just always trying
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to be healthy. So in, in, I don't know, do you see what I'm asking here? Where's that, where's that
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balance of results versus just showing up and showing up is powerful in itself.
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Well, both can exist. Showing up can be powerful. You're proving to yourself, you can be there
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and winning is important, but like we, we, we're in this weird thing in culture today where winning
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is, you know, almost frowned upon having forbids you excel having forbid you're better than somebody
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else. And if you are, it's because, well, in my case, it's because I'm a white straight European
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descendant male. That's why I'm successful. Like it has nothing to do with my merit.
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It has nothing to do with me overcoming some sort of hardship that I've had in the past. And I really,
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frankly, haven't had that much. That must be my white privilege speaking.
00:20:35.740
Yeah. Okay. But that's the society, that's the culture that we live in today.
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So it isn't any surprise to me that people don't want to excel when you excel, even in school.
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Like, I don't know how you were in school, Kip. I was pretty decent. I'm a fairly intelligent person
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and my buddies would slack off and dink off and I'd get A's and maybe a few high B's, but you know,
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I had a 3.9 to 4.0 grade average as I went through high school, even as, you know, a dumb jock.
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And guess what? All my buddies would mock me about it. I don't think they were doing it out of ill
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intent. I just think it's just what we do, right? It's almost a subconscious thing.
00:21:13.260
Yeah. Right. Like how many, how many of your friends and your family members,
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even if they're doing it in good spirits have made fun of you since you received your black belt?
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Oh, totally. Totally. Right. Or that I train all the time. It's like, well,
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why do you need to train? Let's like, we always want to drag people down subconsciously. It's kind
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of weird. And again, I don't think most people aren't mean spirited about it. They're really not.
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They're just kind of poking at you. So, but so both can exist, but here's what I wrote as you were
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saying, Matt. Balance is a verb. Guys, you need to understand balance is a verb. It's like running.
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You would never say I achieved running. Yeah. You say, no, I am running. I achieved jumping.
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Like I'm amazing. I achieved jumping. I am jumping. No, you say I am jumping, right? It's a verb.
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Yeah. You know, you don't say I've achieved balance. You say I am balancing. So to your
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question, what is the balance? I don't know. You got to figure it out as you go. Yeah. So my,
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my, uh, my son and daughter, when we dropped our two oldest boys off to fish camp, there was this
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piece of wood. It was like four inches. It was just a little like long piece of wood. And it was a
00:22:29.980
border for a garden. And immediately my daughter and my sec, my youngest son got on that wood beam
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and they were just walking across it. Right. Cause that's what they do. They're like, Hey,
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let's see if we can balance. And you can see they're putting their arms out and trying to,
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you know, see if they can make it to the end without falling off. And then what does dad do?
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Well, of course I go and push them on the shoulder, right? That's what we do as dads.
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Yeah. And, and what do they have to do? They have to push against it. And so I pushed
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and they started to push against it. And then I faked pushed and I moved my hand and they fell
00:22:59.500
towards me. Right. Like you get the visual cue of that life is the same way when you're working,
00:23:07.140
but then your wife's like, Hey, you're, you're away from the family. You're away from the kids.
00:23:11.100
You're missing recitals. You're missing games. You, you got to do something. She's pushing on you
00:23:16.140
or life is, and you got to adjust. Oh, you know what? That's right. I am. Or when you have a new book
00:23:23.400
coming out or a critical deadline to hit, you got to put, you got to lean into that a little more than
00:23:29.140
maybe normally you would. And then when it's done, then you can straighten yourself back up,
00:23:32.700
but balance is a verb. So let's get over this idea that we reach balance and let's instead
00:23:38.700
embrace the concept that life is an eternal struggle of balancing. And I think we'll have
00:23:44.300
an easier time with it. I like that. I mean, one, one last comment really quick for this guy,
00:23:49.360
you know, cause I, I was, I want to reconnect to his ultimate question and, and it is finding
00:23:54.140
motivation. And so maybe one thing to look for, you know, you can't help, but look at the Goggins
00:24:01.120
of the world, right. And other high achievers, those men are high achieving and inspiring. Why?
00:24:09.580
Because they had difficult circumstances, not because life was easy, right? You could take Goggins
00:24:15.980
and then take his life. And it was all handed to him on a platter. He wouldn't be as inspirational.
00:24:21.760
He's inspirational because of what he chose to do with the hand that was given to him. And so brother,
00:24:28.740
you have a tough hand, right? You have these surgeries, you have all this physical elements.
00:24:34.240
Awesome. What a great opportunity for you to rise up and show people that those things aren't going
00:24:39.500
to hold you back and that you can, despite your circumstance, maintain and be healthy and rise above
00:24:46.200
them. Excellent. There's one other thing since you evoke Goggins here, some of these guys are highly,
00:24:55.800
highly successful in one dimension. Yeah. Guys, I've talked with close to 400 high achievers
00:25:03.560
and bless their hearts and bless who they are. And we need obsessed people in life. We need,
00:25:09.680
we need people like that. I think Goggins is one of them because he can show us what's possible,
00:25:14.460
but I don't look to Goggins as an example for me and how to lead my family.
00:25:21.680
It's not somebody I look to for that. Yeah. Right. Because he is very fixated and I'm not saying
00:25:27.780
he's wrong. Please understand me. He's not wrong, but that's not what I want. I had a good conversation
00:25:34.740
with my good friend, Pete Roberts the other day, we went to lunch together and he said, we were talking
00:25:39.780
about his, his target fixation on origin American manufacturing. Now the hunt line, we're talking
00:25:47.220
about it. I've always admired his passion and his focus and his dedication towards his organization
00:25:54.300
in this dream that I, as long as I've known him, which is about six or seven years of bringing back
00:25:59.880
American jobs and manufacturing. And he said something to me, he's like, Hey Ryan, you know,
00:26:04.220
I could never do what I do right now. If I had kids, your age, he's never said that to me before.
00:26:12.640
Yeah. But he knows he's like, man, if I, cause he's got, he's got kids and they're almost one's
00:26:20.360
out of the nest. One is getting there, but he knows like he gets it. It's like, no, this is the
00:26:25.640
season of my life where I can do this 10 years ago. He was in a different season. He never could have
00:26:31.420
done that. And it will change down the road. Just remember who you're following and remember what
00:26:36.780
their goals are relative to yours. Cause they may not always be aligned. They're not wrong,
00:26:40.840
but they may not always be aligned. So be very aware of that. Yeah. The saved show, as you go
00:26:48.040
about your day, when you are in, when you are encountering God, are there moments when you are
00:26:54.980
overcome with love and gratitude for life, uh, that you are living things to him.
00:27:01.340
Yeah. I feel that I was going to say every day. That's not true. I feel it more when I'm present
00:27:07.520
in the moment. So yesterday, um, again, my oldest were gone. I think they were, they actually came
00:27:15.200
home, but I think they were fishing. Dang, look at these pits, man. Like I'm burning up in here.
00:27:19.320
All right, guys. Like just listen this time. You don't have to watch my disgusting pits.
00:27:25.780
I just love that you brought it up. Yeah. Let's just embrace this. Okay. And by the way,
00:27:31.280
I'm totally sunburned. I look like I'm red. You look nice. You look like you got some,
00:27:36.900
put some makeup on there to give yourself some color today. Yeah. I hired a makeup artist to make
00:27:41.600
sure I look good for the YouTube videos. Yeah. Actually it's all those, those bad chemicals in that
00:27:47.680
red bull that you're drinking, making your face go flush and you're not getting the proper oxygen
00:27:52.000
and blood flow that you need. It's Delta sun. Yeah. Sorry. Uh, back to being present in the
00:27:59.480
moment. I just wanted to share with you guys what it looks like when you're not present.
00:28:03.320
That's why we went off tangent there for a minute. Yeah. Uh, with being present yesterday. So my two
00:28:09.280
oldest, they were fishing again. They were fishing with some friends this time. They came home from fish
00:28:13.820
camp and went back fishing. Cause that's what they do. And my two little ones said, dad, let's go
00:28:18.700
swimming. And we have an above ground pool. One of those in techs, I think it's 15 or so feet wide
00:28:23.900
and it's five feet deep. And they're like, dad, let's go swim. Like, cool. Let's do it. And I was
00:28:28.520
sitting there. My phone is obviously not in the pool with me. Um, my other kids aren't hooting and
00:28:32.640
hollering and pinching and poking their sisters and brothers and being obnoxious and annoying. The dogs
00:28:38.000
were inside. So I wasn't having to watch them. And I was just, I think Trish was shopping. So it was just me
00:28:43.360
and my two children. And I was just so present. They're like, let's create a whirlpool. And so
00:28:48.180
we just run laps or, you know, around the pool, the edge of the pool and try to get it to go.
00:28:53.740
And we were just playing. And I just looked up for a moment and I was so grateful in that moment.
00:28:58.860
And I felt God's presence in that moment because I was present and I had this, just this unbelievable
00:29:05.660
sense of gratitude and fulfillment and stillness, I would say, come over me in that moment. And part
00:29:13.920
of it was because of the moment and I was present. And the other part of it was because I went to
00:29:18.700
church and I really enjoyed the experience at church earlier that day. So a lot of guys will say,
00:29:23.780
I hate organized religion. And I understand, I actually understand that argument. I get,
00:29:29.620
I get it. I do. And people say, well, it's done more harm than any other thing. And yes,
00:29:35.460
there has been a lot of atrocious, horrible, horrific things done in the name of God,
00:29:41.800
but that isn't godly. Number one, let's just clear the air on that. And people are people. We're going to
00:29:48.060
sin. But the reason I like church is because it just is a good reminder and a good reset for me
00:29:58.200
and a good way to remember his love in a structured environment that I'm just not sure I would get
00:30:05.760
anywhere else. Now, a lot of guys will say, well, I feel closer to God in the mountains. And if you do
00:30:11.300
great, a lot of the times I can't help, but feel that's a cop-out because there's no structure to that.
00:30:17.800
There's no dedicated carved out time for that. And that's why prayer is important. If you're not
00:30:24.560
a prayer guy, that's why meditation is important. That's why visualization time is important. Hell,
00:30:30.080
that's why exercise time is important. It's an hour out of your day where you're like, nope,
00:30:36.220
this is dedicated to exercising. I'm going to be active throughout the day, but this is my dedicated
00:30:42.600
time to this. And that's why I do like church. So I think a combination yesterday afternoon of
00:30:47.680
me having those reminders and conjuring up those thoughts through a dedicated time and commitment
00:30:53.000
to him and being present in the moment with the blessings, namely in this circumstance, my children.
00:31:00.100
Well, and you were mentioning earlier about who you surround yourself with and that creates
00:31:05.540
possibility and thought that you wouldn't normally generate on your own. I mean, that's just the reality,
00:31:10.900
right? And so you go to a church building and you hear other people share spiritual experiences,
00:31:17.840
or you read a hymn that you don't have memorized in your mind. You're taking outside influence and
00:31:23.220
you're going to consider things that you wouldn't have considered otherwise. That's just reality.
00:31:27.740
Yeah. And, and Ryan, it's funny that you say this because literally like not, not yesterday,
00:31:32.620
but the Sunday before for whatever reason, right? We went to church and, and I was like,
00:31:38.460
I'm a, an emotional mess, not from a sad perspective, but just being moved. Like the song
00:31:45.000
affected me, my, the way my kids looking over at my wife and my kids all sitting in a pew next to each
00:31:51.220
other affected me. The message of, I mean, just everything was just like, man, you know, like
00:31:56.200
a recenter to me. And, and that was made possible through the outside influence of others messages
00:32:03.780
and sharing that I didn't have it in my own head. Does it make sense? And then that allowed me to
00:32:09.560
consider it. And so once again, the importance of surrounding ourselves with other individuals
00:32:14.660
and the messages that they share through their action or through their words being so critical.
00:32:21.440
Agreed. Well said. All right. Bill Collins also known as Phil Collins. I think it's Phil
00:32:25.980
Collins actually. I'm going with Phil Collins. He says, Ryan, I just want to thank you for all you
00:32:30.060
do. Good job, man. It was, is that a joke or is it, was there a reference? No, he just wanted to say
00:32:36.040
grateful. I know you don't hear that very often. No, I'm just, I'm not talking about that. I'm
00:32:39.860
talking about his name. No, I've been listening to Phil Collins all the time. So I'm like, you know,
00:32:45.460
I just want to make it a celebrity. It's Bill Collins. Okay. I'm like, wait, it's like Bill and
00:32:49.900
Phil in parentheses, or I thought maybe I missed the joke. Okay. I was wrapped up in the name. What was the
00:32:55.120
question or the thing? I don't know. He was just saying, appreciate, appreciate what you do.
00:32:59.420
I'm just kidding. I heard it. I just wanted you to say it again.
00:33:04.040
You're funny. You know, I'll send this to you a text message. Yeah.
00:33:08.360
Bill, thank you. Yes. And I'm going to frame it and put it on the wall right here. Cause I don't
00:33:11.440
get very many of those. Bill, I appreciate it, man. We do it. We do it for you guys. Well, look,
00:33:16.840
I do it for you is kind of like, it's, it's, you know, platitude we hear all the time,
00:33:20.900
but it is true. I do that for you guys. This is your part of the mission. You are a crucial,
00:33:25.780
integral part of the mission. It's also selfish. I get a lot out of it too. So I will accept your
00:33:31.040
gratitude and say, thank you back, uh, for, for letting us do it. Cause we wouldn't be able to do
00:33:36.920
these things if it wasn't for you and the, you know, thousands, hundreds of thousands of guys who
00:33:41.460
tune in and support in some way. Yeah. Cool. All right. Sam Bradway, what has been the biggest
00:33:49.420
struggle you've encountered in fatherhood? The biggest struggle in fatherhood.
00:33:58.800
I don't think that there's just one moment that immediately comes to mind for me. I don't like to
00:34:04.520
see my children hurt. That's really hard for me. Um, you know, maybe, maybe my oldest son got
00:34:11.680
rejected by a girly likes, uh, or my daughter's dance recital doesn't go as well as she would have
00:34:18.220
hoped, or one of my kids strikes out at their baseball game. These are minor things in life
00:34:24.600
in the grand scheme of things, but this is the stage we're at with our children. And so regardless
00:34:28.600
of what it is, I just, I don't like to see them hurt that that's really hard for me because when
00:34:35.120
they hurt, I want to come in and save them. And I realized that I can't. And I probably in these
00:34:43.060
minor instances and even bigger ones probably should not rescue them and let them experience
00:34:49.360
it, let them feel it, let them feel disappointment. I remember when my oldest Brecken came to me,
00:34:55.320
this was about two years ago, maybe a little over now at this point. And he had really had a hard time
00:35:00.540
with his weight and he was chunky little bugger. You know, he's just a little roly poly and he felt
00:35:05.640
so bad. He was embarrassed to take his shirt off. People at school were making fun of him.
00:35:10.520
And I didn't like to see that. I didn't want him to deal with that. And he came to
00:35:14.640
my wife and I, and he's like, Hey, I think my weight, I just, I don't feel fat and I don't
00:35:19.520
feel good about myself. And, you know, and I don't, I don't want to take my shirt off and kids make fun
00:35:24.580
of me. And I just feel dumb. And that's like stings. Like, I don't want him to feel like that.
00:35:30.880
And so I could have in that moment said, no, no, no, no, no. You're good. And you're special.
00:35:35.120
You're beautiful. And you just need to learn how to be comfortable in your own skin. And
00:35:39.720
that's what I wanted to do. Instead, her and I had made the decision that no, we're not going to
00:35:47.800
coddle them. And so I decided to say, you know, your weight has gotten out of hand and I can
00:35:54.280
understand why you would be embarrassed to take your shirt off. I've actually been there in my life.
00:36:01.340
And so I get it. So what are you going to do about it? And then in that moment,
00:36:07.800
like literally in that moment, you've seen it, Kip. Yeah. He changed. And some of it is he's
00:36:13.960
lost the baby fat and he's, you know, getting mature, he's getting taller, some of that,
00:36:18.360
but also he has busted his tail for two years, sacrifice, changed his dieting. I don't tell him
00:36:28.940
what to eat. I'm like, Hey, don't eat that. Do it. Nope. He does it. I don't tell him anything.
00:36:33.940
He's he's, he, uh, tried out for wrestling. He wrestled a couple of years ago. He's been playing
00:36:38.980
football for the past six years. Um, powerlifting is a big thing in his life right now. He tried jujitsu
00:36:45.360
doesn't like it as much as powerlifting. So he's, so that's one of his faults, but
00:36:50.180
no one's perfect. No one's perfect. Even my own children are not perfect. You'd think they would
00:36:56.580
be if I'm their dad. Yeah. Uh, but man, that's a testament to being honest with your kids and then
00:37:07.600
letting them feel the pain that I don't want them to experience, but it's actually the pain that caused
00:37:13.100
him to change. You think about that for a second. It's the fact that somebody at school made fun of
00:37:17.640
him. It's the fact that he feels embarrassed around his friends and girls to take his shirt
00:37:21.540
off. And he just actually just wants to go on the lake and swim. It's the obstacle that changed him
00:37:27.140
because he didn't want to experience that. But society says, well, don't make people stronger.
00:37:31.920
Just get rid of the pain. No, keep the pain. In fact, put your finger in the wound a little bit
00:37:38.900
in a loving way and make them feel it even more in the right way. So that drives your children to
00:37:44.900
action. So it's, so it's that it's a really long answer. Um, and then just a very short answer. I
00:37:50.760
just, I always struggle with patience when my kids aren't doing what they should, or they're not
00:37:55.540
progressing the way I think they could, or they're not being kind to us or their siblings, or they're
00:38:01.240
screwing up patients. And I lose my temper quickly. Um, I lose my cool. Sometimes I blow up at them
00:38:08.820
because I'm thinking about something else. So patience has always been an issue for me as well.
00:38:12.260
Yeah. This question's related kind of, so let's segue a little bit here. He says, uh, the question
00:38:18.860
is from pattern, a dad, old school, sorry, Instagram names, which is the most painful thing. You see
00:38:26.420
parents complaining about their children. So I'm, I'm assuming painful for you to hear these parents
00:38:33.700
complaining about. Yeah. I like where I, the way he's asking yet, I kind of feel like, where do I
00:38:38.860
cringe when I see parents, but specifically what they complain about? Yeah, totally. That's what
00:38:44.660
I hate. That's how I, anytime you complain about your children, I hate it. Why are you? Because
00:38:48.600
there's zero ownership. Like my kids are this way, AKA I play no role in it. That's, I mean,
00:38:55.400
that's a legitimate reason. That's not why. Oh, okay. What are you saying? That's not wrong. Like
00:39:00.580
that's a good reason, but the reason I don't like it is because those are beautiful little blessings.
00:39:05.120
And what if they hear you? Yeah. Like what if they hear you? Yeah. And, and also what does the way
00:39:15.940
you're talking about them, how does that spill over into the way you treat them and father them?
00:39:22.660
I, you know, somebody I really admire and respect, uh, Ben Shapiro. I know that's going to be very
00:39:28.600
controversial. The fact that I even said that there it goes. He's, he's, he's intelligent. He's well
00:39:34.340
thought out. Like he's got some great opinions. I don't necessarily agree on everything, but he's
00:39:38.160
got great commentary. He's very logical. He's brilliant. He's running a tremendous organization,
00:39:44.520
if not just from a business owner perspective, but he complains about how little sleep you get.
00:39:50.000
He complains about all the time. Every time I hear a pot, he's like, well, if you're anything like me,
00:39:53.800
buy a mattress because your kids keep you up at all hours of night. And he complains about his
00:39:57.440
children. And I'm like, bro, don't, why are you complaining about your children? Yes. I know you don't
00:40:03.260
get as much sleep as you would like. I've been there. All of us as parents have, and that's the
00:40:09.360
beauty. Like that's, that's the sacrifice. That's the package deal, man. You wouldn't love them as
00:40:14.220
much as if you didn't have to get up at all hours of the night and change their diaper and bring them
00:40:18.760
to mom. So she could breastfeed the babies and, you know, and, and they're scared. And so you got to
00:40:24.160
go in there and tell them not to be scared and maybe sing them a song or have a prayer or just,
00:40:28.180
you know, pat their head or whatever, whatever you do. Yeah. That's beautiful. And like,
00:40:34.140
I get so frustrated with, Oh yeah. My kid, I got my divorced parents. Oh, I got my kids. I'd like
00:40:40.180
to go, but I got my kids this weekend. Why would you say that? You'd like to go do this thing,
00:40:48.240
but you have your kids. So yeah. Yeah. I don't like that at all. And look, I don't take this as a
00:40:56.760
holier than thou, or I've done that. And I probably do it more than even I acknowledge,
00:41:01.520
but when I hear it and see it in others, or even myself, I'm like, don't you dare,
00:41:06.520
don't you dare complain? Cause you know what? There's a lot of people who are listening to this
00:41:10.760
right now who have lost children as children had miscarriages, lost them as adults are dealing
00:41:17.880
with issues, horrific circumstances. Don't you dare complain about anything with your kids.
00:41:26.760
That's not, that's advice for me too. Yeah. I like it, man.
00:41:33.680
I mean, just the impact alone, right. Just considering how that might impact them
00:41:38.240
being treated as a burden is that in itself. What if they hear that? I already said that.
00:41:45.580
What if they hear that? Yeah. And if, even if they don't, you're hearing it and you're changing
00:41:50.040
your behavior based on it. Totally. Kyle William Brown, while writing a vision and conducting the
00:41:57.560
five wise activity, how do we address the issue of nihilism that we run into while searching for
00:42:05.200
meaning related to our vision? If we have a clearly defined purpose, such as to protect and preserve
00:42:11.020
freedom in human life and ask ourselves why this is important five times, eventually you ask yourself,
00:42:17.560
why is human life and freedom important? Could you share your why freedom and the protection of human
00:42:24.440
life is valuable to you? I'm a pretty intuitive person. I don't, I don't consider myself a very
00:42:32.640
thoughtful person, a very deep, a very deep person. Yeah. I know thoughtful means like I'm a jerk.
00:42:40.080
Like that's also true, but in this context, I don't really do like think about it that deep. I'm just
00:42:47.000
pretty intuitive. So when you say, why is human life important? Because it is like, I wish I could
00:42:54.120
give you a better answer than that. I'm just not, I'm not an intellectual person. I just have, I've never
00:43:00.080
really thought about that. I will say that I think, well, I think two things when it comes to why human
00:43:06.660
life is so valuable. Number one is because of the potential that resides in every human being
00:43:13.160
and who am I to strip away or hinder or limit another person's potential. I don't know what
00:43:20.440
that person is going to become. Um, I don't know who that person is going to serve. I don't know how
00:43:26.880
that person's going to impact the world, but I believe that I, it is, this is very spiritually
00:43:34.660
driven belief, right? That all souls and all humans have intrinsic worth. Now there's some that
00:43:41.780
that wasted betray or even betray that worth or betray other people. And there should be punishment
00:43:49.940
and consequences for doing so just because I believe that everybody has worth as a human
00:43:55.540
and unlimited potential as a human and a divine being doesn't mean that I'm going to subject myself
00:44:02.340
to evil because I think, you know, somebody just deserves another chance. I'm not saying that at
00:44:07.400
all, but I don't get to make that decision. So every human, every soul has potential and has worth.
00:44:16.560
And I don't have the right to limit that, to hinder that, to steal that, to take that from another
00:44:23.820
person. That's not my role in this world. The other side is that if we look at human life,
00:44:31.400
so this is where it might get a little bit more philosophical or deep is if we look at human
00:44:36.740
life with this idea that it's, there is worth intrinsic worth and potential stored in a human,
00:44:44.800
then that gives us meaning and purpose. Because if I believe that Kip, you have unlimited potential
00:44:53.400
in some form, then it gives me purpose to serve you because it gives you purpose as that person,
00:45:01.340
right? But I'm just talking about as me looking at another person. It gives me purpose to help you
00:45:06.820
manifest that potential, whether it's my children or you. And this is a big part of the reason why
00:45:13.260
we're even doing order of man. When I started, I have, and I still have real struggles in my life,
00:45:19.400
but I don't want other guys to go through that. Like, I don't want you to go through a separation.
00:45:25.220
I don't want you to get so fat. You're unrecognizable and feel so horrible about
00:45:29.660
yourself. I don't want you to be in financial hardship. I don't want your children to be
00:45:34.580
without a father. I don't want any of that for you guys. And I have found meaning because I believe
00:45:40.940
so much in human potential and human worth in helping ensure not by eliminating those obstacles,
00:45:48.400
but by equipping you with what you need to help eliminate and overcome those obstacles for
00:45:53.340
yourself. So if you, if you, now, if I don't believe that, if I don't believe humans have
00:46:00.180
intrinsic worth, then you're right. That's nihilism for sure. That is the root of nihilism
00:46:06.060
that nobody else has any worth. It's not worth including yourself. You don't have any worth.
00:46:11.060
You don't have any potential, but if here's another thought, if you believe that you have worth and
00:46:17.320
potential, I think that the overwhelming majority of us believe that. Are, are you saying that you're
00:46:24.320
different or more special than somebody else? You're not. So why would I believe that I have
00:46:31.780
human worth, intrinsic worth and potential, and yet I can, I don't recognize it in somebody else.
00:46:37.860
That's crazy. They're, they're connected inextricably.
00:46:41.780
Totally. He also asked your thoughts on freedom being so, so important.
00:46:50.120
Again, I mean, my knee jerk is like, well, what's the alternative? Yeah.
00:46:55.600
What is the alternative? The alternative is captivity. It's slavery. It's somebody else
00:47:03.320
deciding what my worth is to go back to our original commentary on the question.
00:47:08.220
Okay. Who is another person to decide what my life is supposed to be? Whether I'm supposed to be
00:47:15.200
your servant or your slave or your employee or destined to do X, Y, and Z work. Who are you
00:47:22.840
to decide that for me? Who are you to tell me I can't defend my family? Who are you to tell me that
00:47:30.280
I can't have an idea that is counter to your idea? Shame on you. If you believe that
00:47:35.900
there's not another person who should ever be able to dictate that for somebody else, it's evil,
00:47:42.960
it's satanic, and it's dangerous to ever, to humanity. Yeah. When people start thinking they're
00:47:50.460
better than you and they can dictate whether it's the price of what you're offering or who you can
00:47:56.280
sell what to, or how you're able to defend your family or what viewpoints you can vocalize and which
00:48:01.560
ones you can't. Yeah. Well, and if you think about it, the removal of freedom is rooted in the idea
00:48:08.860
that you do not believe in people's full potential, that they are capable. It's actually rooted in the
00:48:15.920
idea of nihilism that you think you know the answer and they don't, and that they're incapable of doing
00:48:22.100
so. One additional thought on freedom that I really like is I think that's where growth is.
00:48:29.420
When we, the more sovereignty that we have, the more we take on extreme ownership. And it's funny
00:48:34.760
because when you think about freedom and extreme ownership and sovereignty, they're all kind of
00:48:39.720
related here. And so much of the growth and chances that we have, some of the biggest growth that we
00:48:46.940
have in our life is made through the freedom of choice. And, and by taking ownership and realizing
00:48:55.840
that that's on us and I decide for myself, it's not being projected. It's not being forced upon me,
00:49:00.420
but I'm deciding to do something. I show up in a way more powerful way when I'm committed to something
00:49:06.440
and I had freedoms to do the wrong and the right decision. And that is where growth is at thus potential.
00:49:13.160
Well, you're right. You're a hundred percent right. And what I wrote right here is you were saying
00:49:17.800
that is wrap your head around this. You can't do good without freedom. Yeah. You can't make good
00:49:28.800
choices without freedom. Why? Because being forced to do something isn't a choice. Totally.
00:49:35.700
And we rob people. Yeah. We rob people of, of, of, of superficial benefit. So let's get an example
00:49:44.860
of helping the poor. There's a drastic difference, Ryan, between you saying, Hey Kip, I'm going to take
00:49:50.740
a portion of your income, whether you like it or not. And if you don't like it, by the way, guys with
00:49:55.260
guns are going to show up, but I'm going to take a portion of your income. We're going to give that to
00:49:58.840
the needy versus me making a choice to actually go help them. What's the experience from my
00:50:06.600
perspective. Those are two drastic experiences. One will edify me and benefit me. The other one
00:50:13.060
causes resentment. Well, but also people will think they're good because a portion of their taxes go
00:50:20.440
towards projects and this and that. Well, if, if you didn't, if you didn't have to pay taxes, would you,
00:50:26.720
I wouldn't, would you? Yeah, exactly. No, you wouldn't. So you're forced to do it instead.
00:50:34.660
If it means more of you say, Hey, you know, yeah, yeah. I pay in taxes, but that just comes out of
00:50:39.520
my paycheck. But also every fourth Sunday of the week, I go serve at the homeless shelter and we
00:50:45.000
bring food and we serve and we do this. Okay. That's more meaningful. That to me represents goodness
00:50:50.800
because you made a choice to do it. And you could have done a thousand other things. I made a post
00:50:56.400
about being nice. I said, nice is not a virtue that men should prioritize. And let's not get
00:51:01.580
caught up in the semantics. You might call it something different, but just, so just hear my
00:51:06.200
point. That's, that's all I'm saying. Understand my point. When I use the word nice, I think it
00:51:12.840
represents a last resort for a lot of men. It's like the only tool in their arsenal. They're not tough.
00:51:19.520
They're not principled. They're, they can't speak their minds. They can't communicate effectively.
00:51:24.060
They're not strong. They don't have the capacity for violence. And so they're forced to be nice as
00:51:30.180
a last resort to hopefully scrape up the scraps on the table that everybody else left behind.
00:51:37.120
So is that a virtue? No, it's weakness actually. Now, again, use, you can fill in whatever word I use
00:51:44.220
the word kind. Kip, if I see something between you and us that I don't like in your behavior,
00:51:52.800
I could be very, I even have the capacity for cruelty. I can be very cruel. I can say and do
00:51:59.160
things to you about you that would hurt you in some way, maybe physically, maybe financially.
00:52:05.900
Those are things I have the capacity to do. Maybe not the physical side, but the rest. Sure.
00:52:14.260
Okay. But I choose not to do those things. Yeah.
00:52:18.920
So when you do something that I don't like, instead of going off the rails and we've had some
00:52:23.820
issues, not issues, but situations, circumstances. Yeah.
00:52:28.080
That you could have been resentful towards me or vice versa. And instead we decided to be kind,
00:52:35.040
not because we're forced to, but because we want to. Yeah.
00:52:40.980
When I mess up, I want to apologize because I care about you. And also I care enough about myself
00:52:46.280
that I can turn the other cheek or you hope you can and be willing to ask that you do. And
00:52:52.560
that's kindness that I have the capacity for violence and even cruelty. And in that moment,
00:52:59.260
choose to do something more effective. That is virtue, not being devoid of options,
00:53:05.720
but having all the options and using the most virtuous one. Totally.
00:53:12.780
Doomslayer5986, any injury prevention tips when training jujitsu for the first time?
00:53:19.280
Just don't train jujitsu. If you want to prevent injuries, I can't answer that.
00:53:24.860
Tap dude. That's, that's how you don't get hurt, but that wasn't my issue.
00:53:29.020
That's true. But most people that get injured, it's, it's ego and not tapping, right?
00:53:34.580
Oh, it was ego. It was ego. Everybody asked me, they're like, was it an arm bar? Was it a
00:53:40.460
Kimura or Americana? I'm like, no, no, no, no. I tap. I have no problem with tapping. I'm okay with it.
00:53:49.280
But I think I can, I think I can muscle guys around and clearly I cannot do that to technical
00:53:56.280
bigger guys than me. So yeah, just ego. I think you're right. Just ego, like injury prevention.
00:54:04.540
Uh, I would say, and then I want you to jump in and share your thoughts, Kit, but I would say,
00:54:08.740
um, I would actually say don't overtrain. Yeah. Probably ease into it a little. Yeah. I don't,
00:54:15.800
I don't think there's, there's probably 10% of the population who you'd have to tell that to.
00:54:21.940
Like, I'd be one of those guys, like don't overdo it. 90% of the population. That's not an issue.
00:54:26.860
I don't know if it is for, for this gentleman or not. Yeah. Um, number two is yes. Just tap,
00:54:34.040
just tap number three, get rid of the ego. And more specifically, if something isn't working,
00:54:41.720
stop doing it. Yeah. Like I'll get somebody in a choke, let's say a cross-collar choke
00:54:48.980
and I'll get them in a cross-collar choke or a baseball bat choke or something. And I'm like,
00:54:54.800
like squeezing and it's not working. And I'm like, just squeeze harder. I'm like, no,
00:54:59.600
stop doing that. It's not working. And I'll even, I even have guys who just got started,
00:55:06.640
who will get me in something like catch me in something, but because they're not technical
00:55:11.140
with it, they don't know how to finish it. And I, and I'll like, look at, let's say cross-collar
00:55:14.740
choke and I'll look at, I'm like, bro, just stop for a second. Okay. I tap. You got me. Okay. Tap,
00:55:21.000
stop. And they're like, what are you? Okay. I'm like, yes, I'm okay. It's not working. You're not
00:55:27.240
doing it correctly. And all you're going to do is tie yourself out. And then I'm going to beat your
00:55:31.040
ass. Yeah. And then we're just sitting here for 20 seconds as you're like, go ahead and burn
00:55:38.280
yourself out. As you try to choke me, go ahead. Cause in 10 seconds, I'm going to sweep you and
00:55:43.720
I'm going to throw that same move on you, but I'm going to do it right. And you're going to be in a
00:55:47.760
bad position. So if it's not working, just don't do it. Just, Hey, that didn't work. Reset. Maybe I
00:55:55.900
got to move my hands. Maybe I got to go to something different. And then after class,
00:55:59.080
ask about it. Hey, Kip, you and I are rolling and I got you in that cross-collar, but it wasn't
00:56:03.780
working. What were you feeling? And you're like, Oh, your hand, your hands weren't close enough
00:56:08.340
together or whatever, or one palm was down and one was up, whatever. Okay. Then you learn,
00:56:12.640
but just, if it's not working, just don't do it. Just do something else. Yeah. It's safe to say
00:56:17.880
for the most part that if you find yourself grinding it out, right. And like gritting your teeth and
00:56:25.560
like, ah, there's something that needs to be perfected. Yes. And just assume that like you're
00:56:32.760
missing some level of technique. If it requires every, every fiber of your body to like engage
00:56:39.320
to pull it off, that's probably not the right solution. Or that thing just won't work at all.
00:56:43.700
It's not going to work. It's not a viable circumstance or the position's not right. Or, you know,
00:56:48.260
something's not right. Yeah. It's interesting. Cause you see a lot, like guys do this a lot
00:56:52.980
is we'll watch a fight or a circumstance. You're like, Oh man, if that happened, I'd punch that guy
00:57:01.020
in the face and I'd choke him. Yeah. It's like, well, let's, let's go train. And you take like very
00:57:09.260
strong, athletic, capable people. And you put them on the mats and they can't do anything.
00:57:17.840
Like you literally run circle. I've had scenarios where guys who are big and strong and athletic.
00:57:25.340
And they're like, let's go train. I'm like, yeah, I'd love to know ego. No, I don't go with an ego.
00:57:29.700
And I don't think the guys that I train with, I don't train with guys who are overly inflated
00:57:33.280
egos anyways. Cause I don't, I'm not interested in getting hurt deliberately. Um, and so we go train
00:57:38.680
and it's amazing how somebody with just two or three years of experience can subdue a bigger,
00:57:47.240
stronger, more physical man. And you just don't know how you're going to be able to respond in
00:57:54.160
these situations until you're then. And I guarantee all of us have an overinflated sense of ability
00:58:01.820
when it comes to these scenarios, movies, man, it's all by watching movies. So you watch,
00:58:07.460
you watch movies and you're like, Oh yeah, yeah, I can do that. You know, that's not going to work.
00:58:12.140
Or a guy gets punched 20 times and he still, I'm like, okay, at some point, actually after that first
00:58:17.260
hit, you're not waking up for 20 or 30 seconds. Like not, you're not getting back up and taking
00:58:22.960
10 more shots like that. Yeah. And someone's drop kicking you while you're passed out by the way.
00:58:27.440
Right. Right. Exactly. Or stabbing you. Totally. And that's the thing. Don't, don't go down.
00:58:33.720
Yeah. Yeah. Cause if you, you never know what's going to happen. If you go out,
00:58:37.900
you don't know what's going to happen. You might be dead, man. Yep. Yeah. All right. Uh, last
00:58:43.880
question. Is that all right? Sure. Yep. Let's get it. All right. Robert, uh, Nick Clemon,
00:58:48.120
some time ago, I heard you and Kip have some small discussion around accountability on the AMA.
00:58:54.740
I would like to know your thoughts on the mechanics of accountability, how men can walk it out in a
00:59:01.580
meaningful way. Thank you. And I actually am not a hundred percent positive. And so I'm bringing
00:59:07.860
this up, Ryan, because maybe other guys are wondering the same thing. I don't know what
00:59:11.320
he means by the mechanics of accountability. Uh, I, I don't, I like that. I like that term. I think
00:59:17.280
he's just talking about the structure, the process of accountability. If I had to assume, got it,
00:59:21.520
got it. Uh, here's what I would say. And I don't know what specific scenario he's talking about with,
00:59:27.660
with us. If we were talking about somebody else's or our own scenario, I don't, I don't know. Yeah.
00:59:31.920
But Kip, as I alluded to earlier, we've both had instances of needing to check each other to,
00:59:38.200
to, to, to, let me just throw this out to minor degrees. I'm not talking about, you know,
00:59:42.120
knock down, drag out fights. Like we've had just minor things that we've needed to check each other
00:59:45.840
off. Yeah. We need a course correct. Hey, let's make some adjustments here. Yep. Uh, so number one,
00:59:51.680
there has to be, uh, there has to be permission for the accountability. Now that could be expressed
00:59:59.640
or it can be implied. So expressed would be, Hey Kip, um, I really want to lose weight. I know you
01:00:04.460
said you wanted to lose some weight. And so I'd like to work out, we'll work out separately because
01:00:08.800
we're a different sides of the country, but I'm going to call you every day or you shoot me a text
01:00:12.300
and let's just hold each other accountable. That's expressed accountability, uh, expressed
01:00:16.580
accountability. Then there's implied accountability. So let's say Kip, you hired me
01:00:22.080
and I'm going to come work for your department with, with the organization. There's going to be
01:00:27.380
some expressed accountability. Hey, Ryan, this is what I expected you. There's also implied
01:00:32.900
accountability. Like you don't need to come to me and say, Hey, is it okay if I, you know, correct you
01:00:37.220
every once in a while? No, that's implied in the job. Like you're my boss. That's implied
01:00:43.220
accountability, but there has to be some measure of expressed or implied accountability for it to
01:00:49.900
work. The next thing is it has to actually be crystallized. This is what I expect of you.
01:00:58.080
Yeah. Clear metrics, right? It has to, right? If I say, Kip, we're going to record every Monday
01:01:03.540
at 11 o'clock and you show up at 1130, that's a problem, but we both know that. And guess what you
01:01:11.120
do or I do, if we're running late, Hey, right, I'm running a couple minutes late. Just got out of a
01:01:15.940
meeting. You cool with that? Yeah, I'm cool. Or you're cool. Good. Got it. Because we agreed to hold
01:01:21.020
each other accountable. The metrics are in place. We know what time we're supposed to be available.
01:01:26.180
And so those metrics need to be in place. Number three, you actually have to do it.
01:01:32.740
Yeah. Meaning that when there's a situation where you fail, and I'll just use you as an example,
01:01:38.360
Kip, where you fail to do something you said you were going to do, I have to, I am bound to hold
01:01:46.960
you accountable to it. If I don't, then that's on me. We don't have accountability. Yeah. There's
01:01:54.020
no accountability. And in fact, all I'm actually encouraging you to do is to continue that behavior.
01:02:00.360
Yeah. So I have to, I have to, and it's hard. It's really hard, especially with peers. That could
01:02:08.600
be your wife or a friend with peers. It's very difficult with a subordinate, like your children
01:02:13.720
or employee. It's not as difficult, but with a peer or even going up. And sometimes there are
01:02:19.560
situations where you would, it's very difficult to do that. Uh, I would say the last thing is just
01:02:25.500
make sure there's a process for review. So there's, there is implied or expressed authority. Uh,
01:02:32.340
the metrics are clear. I actually am holding you accountable. And then there has to be some sort
01:02:37.500
of follow-through. Hey Kip, last month, we talked about you making sure you show up for the podcast
01:02:41.580
on time. And I just want to let you know, man, I really appreciate over the last month, you showing
01:02:46.320
up and us just getting started at the right time. Has something changed? You're like, Oh no,
01:02:50.540
I just scheduled it on my schedule better. Cool. That's awesome. Let's keep it up.
01:02:53.640
Totally. Yeah. Yeah. We just call that cadence, right? Some form of cadence around the accountability
01:02:59.120
itself. This is, this is such a great conversation because I not, I wouldn't take anything away from
01:03:05.560
what you're talking about. And then there's a bunch of like stuff we could spend another hour
01:03:10.300
talking about how you can show up in a more powerful way around accountability. Right. And,
01:03:16.880
and just as like a little teaser around that is relationship. So Ryan, you might have authority,
01:03:22.600
right. And, and implied due to our position of, Hey, I hold Kip accountable because Kip worked for me,
01:03:29.080
right. In regards to the iron counts and order of man. And so it's just kind of implied, right?
01:03:34.480
However, if the intent and my relationship with Ryan is not solid, then he's a micromanaging boss.
01:03:43.680
He's a jerk driving me hard. Doesn't really, and he doesn't know what's happening in my life. Right.
01:03:48.300
And so there's so much extra things that we can make sure that we can have in place to be highly
01:03:53.620
effective in this position. Imagine holding someone accountable when you know that you both have a
01:03:59.640
unified focus around what's important and you know, that they genuinely care and believe in you,
01:04:05.780
man. Now it's, it's not, it's not micromanaging. It's coaching. It's guidance. It's,
01:04:11.380
it's inspiration that I get from Ryan, not necessarily just riding my ass because I failed to do
01:04:16.520
something. And so there's, there's so much that we can do from, from that side of the aisle to be
01:04:22.600
really effective in, in, in accountability above and beyond the mechanics, of course.
01:04:27.240
It's, it's a beautiful tie-in and I'm not sure you plan this to transition into an ask that I have
01:04:32.520
of you guys. Uh, we've got the book coming out on September 27th. It's called the masculinity manifesto.
01:04:39.200
And we're really trying to blow this one out of the water to help you guys, of course,
01:04:42.640
but also to grow the movement. Uh, and so we would love to get pre-orders from you guys
01:04:47.460
on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, wherever you pick up your books. Uh, there's going to be an electronic
01:04:52.520
copy. Uh, I'm working with, uh, an audio engineer right now to do the, the, the, uh, audio book as
01:05:00.020
well. But the subtitle of the masculinity manifesto is how a man establishes influence, credibility,
01:05:05.560
and authority. And you need to have all three, especially as it relates to accountability.
01:05:10.120
Authority is what most men are after, but believe it or not, it's the lowest tier of accountability.
01:05:16.440
Yeah. Right. Because if I have a boss who's hired me to do a job, he can dangle something over
01:05:22.200
me to get that done, which is in this job income and my job, like that's a pretty big pull.
01:05:29.280
And my friend, uh, uh, Brett Bartholomew, he's a strength and conditioning coach. He's moved into
01:05:36.500
psychological coaching and life coaching, uh, has a great book called, uh, uh, man, now it's
01:05:43.200
going to escape me conscious. Gosh, dang, I feel bad now. Conscious coaching, I think is what it's
01:05:47.380
called conscious coaching, but he talks about this framework of complacency versus commitment.
01:05:53.320
So if all you're doing is you're operating on authority. So let's say, for example, you want
01:05:58.100
your kids to clean their room. That's, that's a plea from authority. Clean your room. Why?
01:06:03.700
Because I said, so that's authority. You will get, you will get a commitment.
01:06:11.400
They will do it. Get some work done. Yeah. Or excuse me. You'll, you'll get compliance.
01:06:15.720
Excuse me. You'll get compliance. They will comply because there's a punishment, but you won't get
01:06:21.720
commitment. So instead of worrying so much about authority, instead really focus on how to build
01:06:27.900
influence with people, which is, which means that you have the ability to sway their thoughts,
01:06:33.160
beliefs, patterns, words, behaviors, actions. And the best way to do that is through building
01:06:40.600
up credibility. So when you listen to this podcast, I have to speak from a position of credibility.
01:06:47.660
And if I do, and you believe I'm a credible source of information for men, then I'm going
01:06:52.420
to be more influential with in your eyes. And then over time, I will develop authority
01:06:58.680
in your life or the other people's lives that I care about. So worry less about the authority piece
01:07:05.620
and more about the credibility piece, which leads to influence, which ultimately will lead back to
01:07:11.000
authority. That's the way to build it. Totally. Totally. And, and to your point, that's what we do
01:07:15.580
to new leaders. Oh, I'm concerned. Will people listen? Well, they won't, or they will out of authority
01:07:20.980
if you're reliant on the authority, but if you're in a position of influence now without the title,
01:07:26.920
easy transition, right? Because people already see, and they know that you're from a position of
01:07:32.800
caring about them and not necessarily through a means of control through authority.
01:07:39.800
Well, there's one way that, that new leaders make mistakes in this, that I've seen a lot is
01:07:46.140
they think that if they get liked, then they'll have a better time. But think about what we just
01:07:53.140
told you. Credibility, influence, authority. It's calling up all your, your, your workers and
01:08:00.860
saying, Hey guys, we're going to the bar. Let's get shit-faced and have a great time.
01:08:05.520
You're one of the guys, but credibility is undermined. So as a new leader, your job is
01:08:11.660
not to be liked. It's to build credibility and credibility is genuine. It's not manufactured
01:08:17.120
or fabricated. It's built through experience. It's built through knowledge. It's built through
01:08:22.720
caring about people. That's how you build up that credibility.
01:08:26.140
Yeah. That's great. Cool. All right. Go check out the masculinity manifesto,
01:08:31.520
wherever you get books, get a, a pre pre-release copy that helps. And I think that's it that I
01:08:38.120
have. Kip, do you have anything else? No, just stay connected with us, give us feedback and help us,
01:08:43.680
you know, if not through the pre-order of the book, but also connect with us on the socials,
01:08:49.020
keep the momentum going. Awesome. All right, guys, we'll be back later this week until then,
01:08:53.260
go out there, take action and become the man you are meant to be.
01:08:57.360
Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life
01:09:01.900
and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.