Order of Man - The Toxic Workplace, Executing on Your Dreams, and Developing Self-Discipline

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart

00:00:05.000 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.

00:00:10.440 You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.240 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.380 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, welcome to another episode of the Ask Me Anything.

00:00:31.500 Mr. Mickler is out today, and we both have some pretty crazy schedules this week. I'm going out

00:00:39.480 of country tomorrow on a last-minute business trip to meet with one of our clients, and I believe

00:00:45.300 Mr. Mickler is at SHOT Show in Vegas. He mentioned this last week. If you guys are in the Vegas

00:00:53.300 area, if you are going to SHOT Show, look him up. Ping him on possibly Instagram, and he

00:01:01.760 would love to meet up with you guys. His Instagram handle is at Ryan Mickler. That's M-I-C-H-L-E-R.

00:01:08.300 But for today, for Ask Me Anything, you get the one and only Kip Sorensen, and then of course

00:01:14.800 we'll kick the show off next week with Mr. Mickler when our schedules are a little less

00:01:21.160 hectic, and you can hear the opinions from both of us. Of course, this is the Ask Me Anything

00:01:30.280 this Friday. You will have Friday Field Notes, and then of course the Tuesday episode, which

00:01:36.580 is an interview show that Ryan does with high-caliber individuals, everybody from Tim Kennedy,

00:01:44.300 Jocko Willink, New York Times bestsellers. I can't say enough about those Tuesday shows.

00:01:50.000 In fact, when people ask me about the Order of Man podcast, I immediately say, well, you

00:01:54.600 know, listen to those Tuesday shows for a while before you decide to dive into the Wednesday

00:02:00.300 Ask Me Anything. The questions I'll be filming today are from our Facebook group. To join us

00:02:06.120 over there, go to facebook.com slash group slash order of man. There are, I think, 61,000

00:02:13.040 individuals within that Facebook group. We try to moderate the conversations to make sure

00:02:17.780 that they're effective as much as possible. Ryan will leave opinions and ideas and comments

00:02:23.540 on there. I'll do that from time to time as well. And then every so often we'll make a post

00:02:28.800 on there asking you guys for what questions you have for this podcast. And we filled those questions

00:02:34.940 here. If they're good questions, we cover them. If they're not so good of questions, we may skip

00:02:38.720 them. So try not to take it personal and add a bunch of meaning to that and just see it as an

00:02:43.440 opportune time to maybe ask a question that hasn't been asked as much before or give some more thought

00:02:48.760 to it. And I personally really like when these questions come from a position of not hypotheticals,

00:02:55.740 but actual situations that you can share slightly. I think that benefits the other listeners. So we have

00:03:02.640 a chance to relate a lot more. It's hard to relate to other people's people when we give hypothetical

00:03:09.900 situations. And so share yourself a little bit and put yourself out there for others to be able to

00:03:16.960 relate to you and, and learn and grow together. So, all right, let's dive into this. So our first

00:03:23.480 question is from Andrew King. What are your thoughts about dealing with toxic negativity in the workplace?

00:03:29.500 It seems at times that everyone around me are chronic complainers. Am I blind or is our life here in the

00:03:36.140 U S really that bad? How do you respond to toxic negativity? So first off, Andrew, this is a legit

00:03:44.020 concern, right? I think we can all agree that life is a hell of a lot better when you're around people

00:03:51.120 that uplift you and people that have just a negative opinion about so many things is almost daunting.

00:03:58.700 In fact, one of my friends, it's a complete opposite scenario, but, but I, but I think it addresses

00:04:04.800 the point here is one of my friends, uh, Richard, whenever I'm around him, I feel better because he

00:04:12.200 is such a happy guy and he's always goofing around and whatever. And it just uplifts me.

00:04:17.780 And that same thing comes into play when we're negative. And so, and I know your question, Andrew

00:04:23.060 is, you know, how do we deal with it? But, but I first want to point out, like, I think we can all

00:04:27.900 do a better job around the attitude that we have around other individuals by being kind, by being

00:04:34.860 joyful, by being sometimes lighthearted and not taking everything so serious. It makes such a big

00:04:41.640 difference when you hang around, uh, people that are happy and they're joyful about life and, and

00:04:48.640 they have purpose and they're driven, right? And not just negative and just complaining about

00:04:54.020 everything. And so I think the first thing I just want to call it is I think we can all do a better

00:04:58.300 job in regards to how we show up in our workplace, in our homes and the approach we take guaranteed.

00:05:04.600 You guys know it. And I know it when I come home and I'm pissed off, does it create a great

00:05:08.700 environment for my kids? Are my kids more happy? Is my wife more happy? No, all those scenarios

00:05:14.320 complex and become way more negative than if I came in or came into those situations with a more

00:05:21.320 positive attitude. And so I think the first thing is, you know, let's make sure that we,

00:05:25.540 we show up the correct way. Um, so to Andrew's question, how do we deal with it? So I've had

00:05:32.400 people in my life that are super negative, um, mostly through my childhood and, and, and growing up.

00:05:38.620 And so I dealt with this and the way I approached it eventually where I think was effective is to kind

00:05:46.120 of not necessarily call them out, but help them see the other side. And let's be honest. It wasn't

00:05:52.200 from a perspective of like, Oh, I'm going to really convince them to see the other side, but they can't

00:05:57.360 stand you always like countering their negativity. Like that gets old for them too. Right? So if we have

00:06:04.080 people in the workplace that is constantly complaining, like, Oh man, this is, I don't know,

00:06:07.980 whatever our communication, uh, here at the office is so negative and, and I wish we'd communicate and

00:06:13.860 be more transparent or whatever. And then you can always say, yeah, you know, that's a really good

00:06:17.340 point, but you know what, man, we still have a lot going for ourselves. We have this and we have that

00:06:22.340 and, and point out the, the positive things. And one that sets the tone with them, that you're not

00:06:29.160 the person that's going to dive into negative topics with them and, and bitch and moan about

00:06:33.080 everything and, you know, and just get on the complaint wagon about life, but you listened. Yeah.

00:06:39.980 You know, that might be a good point. However, maybe you should consider these things and it

00:06:45.060 forces them to realize that one, I think that they're being negative, but also to have a different

00:06:50.120 point of view. And one of two things are going to happen. I think that's going to rub off on them a

00:06:54.040 little bit, or they're going to stop complaining when you're around because they don't want to hear

00:06:58.700 your positive responses. They don't want to hear those things. They just want someone to complain with

00:07:02.480 them. And, and I think if we don't, um, engage in those conversations, eventually that stuff kind of wears

00:07:09.080 off. Um, it's not easy though. And, and I completely get that sometimes it's daunting. And especially

00:07:15.500 when you might be having a bad day, the last thing you want to hear is more people complaining about

00:07:20.600 more things. Um, and it might be really tempting for us to, to engage in that. But I think if we

00:07:26.640 stick to the path, uh, be present to the impact that we have around those, um, in our workplace,

00:07:33.060 in our homes, we can make a conscious decision to be a little bit more positive. And when people are

00:07:38.200 negative, help them see the positive aspects of the situation, Ricky Fox, we are raising my wife's

00:07:45.520 grandson and I'm the main male role model in his life. How do I get my wife to let me play the part

00:07:52.520 of full time instead of only when he's acting up? So Ricky, I think it's about conversations.

00:08:01.100 It's about asking the questions with your wife. Uh, so let me give you an example. I would have a

00:08:07.720 discussion about what is the ideal circumstance for this young man and literally have that

00:08:13.340 conversation with her, sit down and say, what could we do that might benefit Timmy the most

00:08:18.300 and, and work through it and have her come to the realization that, Hey, without a full-time

00:08:24.280 male role model in his life, he's at a disadvantage. Okay, great. So what can we do about that? And then

00:08:31.720 at that point suggest, Hey, I can make this role. And, but I would be really specific. What does it

00:08:37.320 look like to be the full-time male role model? And what does she think? What does she think? What

00:08:45.200 does she think that, that, that looks like? And what does it look like for you? And really be very

00:08:51.060 specific and intentional about the tactics that you guys both see. I would probably argue, or I'd

00:08:57.700 probably suggest that most women, when we had this conversation, that your wife's probably just like

00:09:03.180 every other woman. And they would agree with the idea that he needs a full-time role model. So get

00:09:08.860 her opinion and see what that looks like specifically. And then volunteer those services say, Hey, I think

00:09:13.240 I could do this. And I want to, uh, because she might not be including you in it because maybe she

00:09:19.340 feels that that's going to put you out or that you're not interested in it or something else.

00:09:25.200 And so I think you just need to open up that dialogue and that conversation with her, get her

00:09:29.240 feedback and come up with a strategy of what's best for that young man. And I think you guys will

00:09:34.460 end up on the same page. Benjamin Norris, by the way, Ricky, totally like honorable, by the way,

00:09:42.700 and, and way to step up and, and look for an opportunity to, uh, be that role model for, for that

00:09:49.280 young man. All right. Benjamin Norris, if you knew someone starting from an absolute clean slate,

00:09:54.640 having no idea what makes a man, a man, what would you recommend? He start on first, second, and

00:10:00.380 third. All right. First, second, and third clean slate. No idea what it means. Uh, what, what makes

00:10:07.820 a man, a man, uh, this is totally off the cuff. So I'm sure a hundred percent. I'll listen to this

00:10:15.100 tomorrow and think, Oh man, I could have come up with something better. Um, the first thing that comes

00:10:20.440 to mind is ownership or in other words, accountability or not being a victim. So he,

00:10:28.320 I think all men that first step in the process is we have to take ownership of our lives. We have to

00:10:34.860 be sovereign. We have to realize the things that have worked and the things that have failed is a

00:10:40.360 direct result of how we've showed up in life. And if there are negative things about it, we need to

00:10:46.160 change it. And immediately if some of you guys might be listening, go, Oh, well, yeah, but keep

00:10:50.700 these circumstances. I don't care. You know what, how you respond to the circumstances also in your

00:10:55.140 control. So I think we really need to take ownership, not only for like how our lives are,

00:11:00.220 but also our attitudes and our feelings and our emotions. We need to own all of that. And only in

00:11:09.220 that growth mindset, do we actually have the ability to grow and become better men period. So if we don't

00:11:15.580 have the growth mindset, if we're not taking ownership and we're victims, nothing else is

00:11:19.460 possible. So that's why I think that's number one. Number two, I think a young man becoming a man

00:11:26.160 needs to have grit and metal, mental fortitude. I think that must be established. One is they need

00:11:34.540 to control their emotions and their thought process. And because when life happens and negative

00:11:42.000 circumstances happen to us, are we going to go crumbling? And I think that's what mental fortitude

00:11:47.320 and grit gives us. And then number three, I would say, look for opportunities to contribute and serve

00:11:54.040 and realize that the ultimate purpose in life is to serve others and, and to move beyond oneself.

00:11:59.740 I think number one, ownership and mental fortitude is focused on the tool, right? Us as the tool,

00:12:04.940 how we show up. And then three is the actualization of what that tool can do. And that is serving

00:12:09.820 other individuals. Hopefully that, uh, provides some, I don't know, some ideas there, Benjamin

00:12:16.220 James Aaron Simpson. Uh, sobriety has cost what I thought were friendships. No time of the year

00:12:24.940 is more obvious than on new year's Eve. No one enjoys a sober guy. He's the elephant in the room.

00:12:31.100 I know, uh, sobriety is my path, but do I try to mend these past friendships or is it best to find a

00:12:38.200 new group of like-minded men? So James, first off, man, this is kind of tough because, well,

00:12:45.940 I'm sorry, man. But if you have friends that are no longer your friends because you don't drink,

00:12:51.440 yeah, they're not good friends. Um, in fact, they're not friends. You are a drinking buddy.

00:12:57.400 That's all you are. And when you are not willing, uh, to get in line and act the same way they're

00:13:07.020 acting, really, they're no longer your friends. Uh, I say dump them, find some new friends.

00:13:14.200 Seriously. Um, I, I couldn't stand that, man. That'd drive me mad. So, um, I, I think you don't,

00:13:21.040 I don't, how's this? I think you complete the relationship. I think all relationships that we

00:13:25.920 have in our lives, um, if there's something unfinished with them, you need to mend it period

00:13:31.800 for your own benefit. And mending doesn't mean you have to be pals forever on. And, and, you know,

00:13:38.500 you're hanging out all the time. You can still complete a relationship with someone, have it be

00:13:42.940 mended and not be friends. So first off, I would, I would mend the relationship, whatever there is

00:13:48.860 that mend. I'm assuming there's a little bit more to this than just, we don't drink together and they

00:13:53.100 don't want to hang out with me cause I'm not drinking, but maybe it is as simple as that.

00:13:58.140 Maybe it's just you communicating that and being clear in your communication and having that freedom

00:14:03.540 of expression with them and letting them know that, that, that offends you or whatever. Um,

00:14:09.360 but I would complete that relationship with them. And then I would seek a new group of like-minded men

00:14:13.860 that are more in line with your values and what you're seeking for. And especially if not drinking

00:14:19.820 important to you, then obviously that's going to work out well. If you're constantly hanging out

00:14:24.320 with guys that are wanting to drink all the time, that that's going to be in conflict with your

00:14:27.820 circumstance. And that's not going to help you, especially if you're trying to stop drinking or,

00:14:32.980 you know, if you have any issues with, um, alcohol. So, um, it's tough, but you know what? I don't

00:14:38.960 think you have to like destroy the relationship with them. I think you can mend it, uh, complete it and

00:14:43.760 then move on. That's my recommendation. Uh, Tony DP, I'm going to call you DP, uh, or Tony alphabet,

00:14:53.040 uh, dealing with in-laws. Where do we keep quiet and where is the line where we need to step in?

00:15:01.380 Oh man, this is one of those hypotheticals, right? Tony. Cause I'm kind of like, well,

00:15:05.420 depends, right? The, like, what do you mean? Step in like, what's the issue? What's going on? Is it,

00:15:11.380 uh, um, is it serving your family in a negative way or, or something else? So I'll come up with

00:15:18.000 some hypotheticals. So of course we, we deal quasi with family. We may establish boundaries,

00:15:23.940 I think, um, of what's acceptable and what's not acceptable. Um, and, and I think you need to

00:15:30.180 withhold those boundaries. I think you need to be fair and, um, realistic with the boundaries that we,

00:15:36.320 that we, um, establish with our loved ones. But when those boundaries are crossed,

00:15:41.380 you always have to step, step in and, and withhold those boundaries. Now,

00:15:45.740 what boundaries you said, I think is really dependent on, does it affect your family in a

00:15:50.960 negative way? And is it serving the family? And is, if it's affecting your family in a negative way,

00:15:58.540 and I don't know, it's some drama that you can't deal with, or, uh, there's a verbal or,

00:16:04.440 you know, obviously physical abuse, then obviously you got to step in and you got to withstand those

00:16:08.800 boundaries. But, but I would focus on establishing boundaries, um, and understand why, and the

00:16:14.080 reasoning why behind them. I'd clearly communicate them. And then you have to withhold those boundaries.

00:16:19.360 If you don't withhold those boundaries, then the people are going to walk all over it constantly.

00:16:24.020 Um, so that's my focus. Sorry. I know it's like vague, but also your question is vague. So,

00:16:31.080 um, I had to be a little bit hypothetical there. All right. Joey Neely, would you agree that therapy

00:16:36.160 is crucial in self-improvement and should be prioritized if a sustainable progress is to be

00:16:42.260 made? Um, I think so. Uh, not always, I guess it all depends. Um, I think therapy, um, what,

00:16:51.940 let's be Frank, what, what is therapy? And I, and I think for me anyway, when I put a definition of

00:16:58.180 what is therapy, it is getting clarity and being present to the effects of how you show up and how

00:17:08.780 your thought processes affect you and those around you and how your communication affects other

00:17:14.420 individuals. So based upon that definition, yeah, I think it could be crucial. Now, is it required?

00:17:21.280 Can you determine those things and be present with oneself and make those improvements without going to

00:17:27.080 therapy? I actually think you can, but therapy is also very helpful with, um, gaining that

00:17:33.860 understanding. It's certainly with a spouse and getting a third party involved and helping with

00:17:41.380 the communication process, especially if there's some communication breakdown between you and a

00:17:45.840 spouse. And let's be honest, like getting coaching from your spouse is not an easy thing to do. And so

00:17:51.400 getting some coaching from a third party source, um, that's not so close, um, to the situation might

00:17:58.440 provide a huge amount of assistance. Oh, I loved an analogy. I heard, I can't even remember where I

00:18:03.100 read it, but it's like, it's hard to see the label when you're inside the jar. And, and that's what

00:18:09.040 a therapist can do, um, for us. I don't think it's required. Um, but I think it could be highly

00:18:16.180 beneficial, certainly in a, in a relationship, Taylor Brown, Ryan Mickler and Kip Sorensen.

00:18:24.360 What type of boundaries do you set with your kids and technology? There's a whole world out there

00:18:29.420 that they don't understand that as parents, we try to protect them from, but at the same time,

00:18:34.740 if you keep them from technology, they will fall behind because of how much it's used in daily lives

00:18:40.780 and how fast it's growing. So let's first establish that last statement. Um, I think personally that

00:18:47.680 your children or my children, I should just stick it to my opinion here in my, my own family. I believe

00:18:53.920 my family can be exposed to technology, um, in a very positive way that does not hinder them, um,

00:19:01.900 from using technology from, uh, like school or for obviously future job perspective. But I think I can

00:19:09.120 also still protect them, um, from things that, um, that are on the web. So first off, um, circle by

00:19:17.940 Disney, um, having a secured VPN that you have set up within your home. There's tons of apps that you

00:19:25.800 can configure on routers, um, on your wifi blocking schedule time, um, blocking devices, certain websites

00:19:33.920 on your own wifi. Now, obviously there's only limited control in which you can, you know, do within the

00:19:38.700 walls of your own home. Um, and, and I'll kind of share my opinion about some of those things. So

00:19:43.080 first off, this is what we do. So the only kids with smartphones in my family is my, my 20 year old,

00:19:50.700 which is at college. So obviously my ability to control whether he has a smartphone or not is

00:19:55.280 done. Um, it's over with my 18 year old has a cell phone or a smartphone. My 15 year old has a flip phone

00:20:04.020 and my six year old, the six year old has a flip phone really from kind of like an emergency

00:20:09.060 perspective. So that's number one. We're trying to delay how quick the smartphone gets into the hands

00:20:16.440 of our kids. And we're trying to delay that until they're older. That's number one. Number two,

00:20:23.420 after we say family prayers in the evenings, phones are plugged in upstairs in the kitchen and not taken

00:20:29.800 to their bedrooms. Now I'll be the first to say, we suck at establishing this boundary. I, I just

00:20:38.440 forget. Sometimes I go to bed and then I'm like, Oh crap. I never asked for their phones last night.

00:20:42.260 And, and trust me, these kids are not on their own saying, Hey, let me put my phone in upstairs.

00:20:47.600 Uh, they are looking for every opportunity as possible to take their phones to the rooms,

00:20:51.420 which obviously one, um, we do it because we want to like, you know, we don't want them late at night

00:20:58.360 on a phone and who knows doing what right from a, from a browsing the web perspective. But number

00:21:03.740 two, they're staying up all night and they're chatting and they're, you know, on Instagram or

00:21:09.140 whatever. And it's like, dude, you need to go to bed. Right. And so that's number one is to remove

00:21:13.100 the distraction from them actually getting sleep time. Um, no TV for the little guy. Uh, we have,

00:21:19.620 we have a one-year-old. Um, and after studying some books about dopamine and managing dopamine,

00:21:25.520 um, there's no way I want him even having any screen time, uh, at all at this age. And I'm going

00:21:32.280 to try to fight that as much as I can, um, from him not having screen time because, uh, there's a

00:21:37.300 major issue here. And, and, and this is the part that if you don't mind me kind of segueing into is

00:21:42.280 I really think a lot of the tech management around our kids and the boundaries are more about dopamine

00:21:49.720 management and managing delayed gratification as well as protection. So obviously we want to

00:21:57.080 protect them. We can, we can do that with our wifi and limiting screen time, uh, even managing screen

00:22:03.020 time for like TVs. That's super easy to do with smart TVs and those kinds of things. So I would

00:22:08.420 definitely put those things in place. I would have open conversations with kids about the effects of

00:22:13.560 pornography, um, especially our boys, um, and what's appropriate and what's not appropriate.

00:22:19.560 And then the, around the dopamine portion, kids get huge dopamine dumps from watching TV and playing

00:22:28.480 video games. And guess where else they get dopamine from? They get a small portion from listening to what

00:22:35.680 mom and dad asked them to do by choosing the right thing. They actually do, but guess, guess what's

00:22:43.000 dopamine dump is substantially more TV, right? The video game. And if they're constantly getting

00:22:50.360 huge amounts of dopamine from these other activities, they won't even it's, it's management

00:22:55.980 dopamine. Like they're being overdosed with dopamine through all these other like aspects where the,

00:23:02.460 the joy of delayed gratification of working hard and doing my homework and, and following the rules

00:23:08.500 and following moral principles doesn't even compare to the, the, the feel goods that they get from

00:23:14.760 watching TV and these other things. And so the more we can manage that and, and reduce, uh, the amount of

00:23:21.440 dopamine that they're getting from all these other areas, the higher probability that, that the things

00:23:26.600 like reading a book and learning and working hard will actually provide some value. So my mind has been

00:23:34.020 blown this, this past month or so around just kind of this concept of managing dopamine. And, um, I don't

00:23:41.000 know, it's really interesting. So maybe look into that too, Taylor, because I think it's a major part

00:23:45.940 of managing technology because technology is the conduit by which these kids are getting huge amount of

00:23:52.480 dopamine from. Okay. Chris Dalton advice for new fathers. I'm having a fraternal twins in the spring,

00:24:00.620 a boy and a girl. So Chris dude, super excited for you. That's awesome. Um, man, having kids is

00:24:08.700 amazing. It's so amazing. Uh, and, uh, whenever I hear about guys becoming a father, uh, it's just,

00:24:17.300 you know, uh, it's, it's going to be amazing and your mind's going to be rocked. And right now, remember

00:24:22.440 how you feel about the concept of unconditional love and then wait until you see your boy and your

00:24:30.440 girl for the first time. And then think about if you now understand unconditional love and you will,

00:24:36.120 and it's crazy because you don't right now until you see those kids. And it's, and it's pretty

00:24:40.200 amazing. So first off Chris twins, dude. Uh, so I've never had twins and I, and I think advice for a

00:24:46.540 new fathers of twins is a whole other, probably like level advice from just a new father period of a,

00:24:53.840 of a single child. So, um, man, talk about tough. It, it was tough with one kid, right? Plan to lose

00:25:01.380 a lot of sleep. Um, the, the one thing that comes to mind and this would be advice for any new father.

00:25:07.340 And I think it just gets heightened with the idea that you're having twins is have the conversations

00:25:13.660 with your wife about how you manage taking care of the kids and how you're getting sleep. Don't assume

00:25:22.400 anything. So let me give you a couple of examples and, and, and you think through your mind, if this

00:25:28.060 is productive or not. So what's, what's going to happen is, you know, I don't know, you'll be a

00:25:33.480 weekend and baby start crying in the middle of the night. Now in your mind, you might go, man, I got work

00:25:39.240 in the morning at 6am. Uh, she gets a nap with the kids. So, uh, she should get up and then she's

00:25:45.580 thinking, Oh man, I'm so exhausted because I've, I took care of him before bedtime and then he should

00:25:49.700 get up. And if you don't make these, these have be clear in this communication with her, you guys are

00:25:54.920 going to have all these set expectations on each other of what the other one should be doing. So

00:26:00.360 instead of being disappointed because most expectations go turn into disappointments,

00:26:05.540 actually have a communication about what those expectations are and what your guys's game plan

00:26:10.740 is. Guess what? It is not effective whatsoever for both of you to get up every single time. Why?

00:26:16.880 Cause you're both losing sleep. So come up with that strategy. It's like, okay, since you got work in

00:26:21.580 the morning, you got the kids tonight and then I'll take the kids in the morning, you know, late morning

00:26:25.440 in the afternoon or vice versa. But I would really just over communicate about what the strategy is

00:26:31.400 going to be, what she expects from you, what you expect from her and what you guys can do to best

00:26:37.860 manage the situation. Don't assume anything because guaranteed your expectations are not going to be

00:26:45.820 met and neither are hers. So just communicate over communicate. Um, I'm trying to think what else,

00:26:53.380 man, you got to help her out. You got to help her out as much as you can. Um, especially the twins.

00:26:59.780 I'm sure she's going to be so exhausted all the time. And so ask her what she needs, help follow

00:27:07.880 your gut in regards to, you know, how you should be stepping up as a father and do your best, but

00:27:13.940 just really over communicate. I can't stress that enough. PJ Joyce, if you lost all of your wealth

00:27:20.940 tomorrow and could not return to the job you currently hold, where would you begin? This is kind

00:27:27.980 of a fun question, PJ. Um, and I'm really curious about how Ryan would answer this question. So my

00:27:33.700 apologies, PJ, if you're kind of hoping for Ryan's response here. Um, so I'm assuming, well, let me,

00:27:40.060 let me assume two things. So I am, this sounds a little cocky, but I am damn good at what I do.

00:27:46.620 So if I lost my job, um, I would just start a new consulting firm. Um, it's that simple. Uh,

00:27:54.340 I own my own consulting firm for 12 years, recently sold and merged with another firm.

00:28:00.280 If I lost my job here for whatever reason, I would just start doing what I've done for the last

00:28:05.840 geez, you know, 15 plus years of my career. I'm just really good at it. Now, part of me kind of

00:28:13.080 wonders if, if your question is, is like, but let's say you can't go back into consulting for whatever

00:28:18.080 reason. And I had to like come up with a whole new industry kind of scenario. Um,

00:28:22.120 man, uh, I don't know. Uh, I I'm a Brown belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. I love Jiu Jitsu. I love

00:28:29.900 teaching. I find great joy in teaching. Maybe I try to open a school. Um, you know, I have,

00:28:36.640 I have a huge interest in psychology, maybe go to school. I don't know. Uh, there's a number of

00:28:43.200 different avenues I could go down. Um, one of the things that I find is really interesting is I'm in

00:28:48.400 the technology consulting space and arguably it has nothing to do with technology. In most cases,

00:28:54.300 it's really business consulting. And so I think that transcends in a lot of different avenues and I

00:28:59.780 could easily use that skillset, um, for a number of different things. So, uh, that, that's kind of

00:29:05.180 the approach that I would take. Um, yeah. So hopefully that's, I don't know, uh, maybe, I don't

00:29:11.920 know, in hindsight, I'm looking at this question. I'm like, well, maybe he's looking for like kind of

00:29:15.500 steps. Like what would you do first? What would you do second? So let me give that insight just

00:29:19.300 in case someone's asking for that question. And it's really the approach I took when I first started,

00:29:24.600 uh, my own business. Um, a lot of guys have this mentality. Um, I have a good friend that

00:29:30.600 is into martial arts. He, he wanted to start a martial arts school and he had this mentality that

00:29:35.320 I need to raise a bunch of money. I need to get funding from the bank and I need to open a brick

00:29:40.220 and mortar school on the corner and then I'll find students. And, and my suggestion to him was

00:29:46.640 don't do that. Go to a rec, uh, a rec center, sign up and get a following, start teaching classes at

00:29:54.140 different rec centers, get a class going, get a group of individuals, get some revenue flowing,

00:30:01.100 prove that there's even a market for your services in that area. And once you've justified that and you

00:30:07.640 have a minimal viable product and you get some money and some cashflow going, then look to rent

00:30:13.820 a space or have a brick and mortar store or vice versa in the world of consulting. The way that looked

00:30:18.800 for me is I don't need to hire 10 employees. All right. To get started. The first thing that came

00:30:25.240 to mind is I called headhunters and I said, Hey, I want contract work. However, the only contract work

00:30:30.820 I want is corp to corp contracts, which means that those companies would pay my company, not W two or

00:30:38.600 10 99 directly to me as an individual. So they'd had to be corp to corp contracts. Once I landed a

00:30:44.880 handful of corp to corp contracts where it was just me, um, and my company, then I was able to

00:30:50.500 introduce new employees, subcontractors, maybe initially, right. Convert them over to employees

00:30:56.060 and then eventually grow the team. So there's a lot of creative ways that we can enter a new

00:31:00.860 job, um, and a market by really trying it out, try that MVP, get creative in regards to, but the main

00:31:08.440 thing is Ryan would say, don't overly plan, start taking action. See if there's even a need for your

00:31:14.460 market or your, uh, a need for your services within that market and, and just keep acting and then pivot

00:31:21.020 because there's a lot of growth that will never come to us until we act. And you may not even know

00:31:26.340 what to plan until you actually start taking action because there's a bunch of unknowns that will never

00:31:31.420 be present to you until action is, is made. All right. I'm get God got Gade Gade. How do you usually

00:31:40.400 start your day and how do you end it? Uh, so my typical day, um, I'll get up at about five 2530.

00:31:50.620 I'll go downstairs, uh, wake up my son and say, let's hit the gym. Uh, and then we go to the gym

00:31:57.160 and work out roughly for a little bit over an hour. Um, come back to the house, shower, um, journal.

00:32:04.820 Usually sometimes it's, uh, depending on if that workout went too long or we got out of the house a

00:32:09.700 little late, uh, that kind of disrupts my morning. But the ideal morning is, is workout, uh, journaling.

00:32:17.140 Uh, I have some, uh, affirmations that I read, uh, and then get into the office. Um, how my day ends,

00:32:23.840 uh, lately it's kind of fun actually. So one of the things that I've been wanting to do with my kids

00:32:29.580 is really, uh, reiterate the importance of reading. And so, um, what we started doing literally just like

00:32:37.600 two to probably two, three weeks ago is we have 10 minutes of reading as a family. Uh, we don't read

00:32:44.100 together though. So everyone grabs a book. I set a timer and we sit in the living room and we're all

00:32:50.840 quiet and we just read for 10 minutes. And what's great about it is most of the time that alarm goes

00:32:55.860 off and my kids are like, Oh wait, just a little bit longer. So I'm like, that's perfect. So we read,

00:33:00.380 uh, we will then have, uh, family scriptures and prayers. And then another thing that I've been doing

00:33:08.300 literally as of just like these last three weeks, because it's on my battle plan is having individual

00:33:13.780 prayers with my kids. Um, I think we have a tendency sometimes to say these family prayers, but my kids

00:33:19.140 themselves aren't getting on their knees and praying. And so, uh, we just kind of, I go to their room

00:33:26.540 and say, okay, it's time for personal prayers. And we say, start and everyone starts and you say,

00:33:32.600 amen, when you're done, but you still stay reverent until everyone's finished. Uh, and then we complete

00:33:38.360 our prayers and then I go to bed. So that's typically my day. I mean, I think there's a few

00:33:44.320 other things, maybe they're important, maybe they're not, but I'll set up my workout clothing

00:33:48.380 usually in the morning because it's super hard to get ready, uh, when I'm trying to be quiet and my

00:33:53.860 wife still sleep and those kinds of things. So I do a little bit of a prep before going to sleep.

00:33:58.880 But, um, other than that, that's, that's kind of the, the typical way I start in, in my day.

00:34:05.120 Ben Acosta, what do you think about Tony Robbins? Is there any issue with posting some of his self

00:34:11.580 help materials in the group? Um, so Ben, I'm assuming within the group, you mean within the

00:34:16.080 Facebook group? Um, I don't think so. I don't see any problem with that. I would, I probably

00:34:20.920 wouldn't, I would add to it, right? I just probably wouldn't repost. What I'd probably suggest you do is

00:34:27.460 share why whatever you're posting was beneficial to you and what you got out of it and share kind

00:34:35.800 of your take on it. And I think guys are, are more maybe interested in that. I, I, we could all

00:34:41.300 maybe find Tony Robbins stuff fairly easily if we wanted to. And so I'd be more interested, Ben,

00:34:46.980 in hearing why something in particular was beneficial and insightful to you and what you

00:34:52.640 got out of it. And that, that would, I think, benefit me more. Um, if you did it that way.

00:34:57.800 Um, I, I think Tony Robbins is obviously highly effective with what he does. I don't think he'd

00:35:02.580 be in a position he is without it. Um, and who am I to even have an opinion about Tony Robbins? I,

00:35:08.060 I think he's a stud. Um, I, sometimes I think he's a little over the top, but, um, you know,

00:35:14.080 I don't know, you know what I mean? But regardless, uh, the guy's a stud and highly successful and has

00:35:18.900 a lot of great content. So, uh, that's kind of my take on it. Russ, uh, Thorgerson,

00:35:24.580 Thorgerson, what is, uh, why is it so hard to execute something you dream of? The motivation

00:35:32.060 is there, the drive, but when it comes down to it, you don't follow through. They have a great heart,

00:35:38.180 a good head on their shoulders and all the knowledge to execute, but fell to follow through.

00:35:43.060 I E losing weight, standing up for yourself, switching jobs, leaving a toxic relationship

00:35:49.600 and so on and so on. Um, so why do people, right? Why don't they, and it's interesting Russ,

00:35:56.480 cause I'm assuming, you know, obviously you have someone in your, in your life where you're like,

00:36:00.380 man, dude, they have it all. Like the dream's even probably a great dream and you believe that

00:36:05.340 they can pull it off and they're, they're smart enough and everything, but they just don't

00:36:10.120 follow through. And, and I personally think it comes down to their story. Like it's, it's sad,

00:36:17.920 but we all have these stories that we have these defining moments in our life. Um, that, you know,

00:36:24.540 we're, we're kids and you go to the fifth grade and someone makes fun of you. And at that moment in

00:36:29.140 your life, you change, you make a decision that like, you know, I'm this way I'm not liked and I'm not

00:36:36.540 loved or whatever. And then your personality changes. And then you have another defining moment,

00:36:42.900 probably early in your teens. And then another defining moment later in your teens and these

00:36:47.120 things ride on us and they make up our personalities. Um, and we believe these stories as though

00:36:56.820 they're true. In reality, I think a lot of these stories that we come up with are not there. They're

00:37:02.720 our interpretation of what happened. And most of them are from the mindset of a five-year-old from

00:37:08.100 an eight-year-old. And as adults, we were not even connected to them. I think a majority of us don't

00:37:16.040 even know what these defining moments are in our lives that, that make up the fabric of our quote

00:37:21.360 unquote personalities. And we just have this attitude of like, well, you know, this is kind of who I am

00:37:26.920 or whatever, but we don't understand why, why I have such a strong opinion about certain things,

00:37:32.580 why these certain things really, really bother me. And we take our past of what's happened to us

00:37:39.240 throughout our lives and we carry it into our future and we let it determine how we execute on

00:37:45.180 things. And I think deep down, a lot of people that struggle with execution, uh, and having happiness

00:37:53.040 and success in life, it's because they have not became present to these stories that they tell

00:38:00.400 themselves. And the majority of these stories, unfortunately, uh, are pretty deep and are things

00:38:07.740 like, I'm not loved. I'm not good enough. I can't do it. And, and they're almost subconscious to us.

00:38:16.040 And I really think that's at the heart of most of our failures. Um, because deep down we're

00:38:23.440 listening and we live into these stories based upon experiences that we had as kids.

00:38:30.620 There you go, Russ. That's my, that's my take on it. That's why I think that is at the heart of most

00:38:35.300 of that. Jonathan Harps, Ryan and Kip, not a question, but a sincere thank you for all the tools that

00:38:43.160 you've given me to be more capable man. Just checked off sovereignty from my local library for

00:38:48.960 the fourth time. And as always gaining a new perspective on life. Thanks again. And best wishes

00:38:54.640 for this coming 2020 year, Jonathan. Awesome, man. Thank you guys. I can't, I mean, and maybe Ryan,

00:39:02.320 Brian, Ryan probably gets way more like obviously compliments than, than, than I get, but I'll guarantee

00:39:10.060 you, um, you guys reaching out and just letting us know of what's working and the, the difference

00:39:16.340 that the podcast is making or the difference that these interviews, uh, that Ryan has on to on the

00:39:22.320 Tuesday show is, is benefiting you or Ryan's book sovereignty of how's it, how's it, how it has made a

00:39:28.260 difference in your life is huge. It's really huge. Sometimes I can't even imagine how daunting Ryan

00:39:35.360 feels from time to time. I feel daunted. And all I do is a stupid, ask me anything episode on Wednesdays

00:39:41.140 and I feel overwhelmed sometimes. And, and getting messages from guys, um, like you guys do send is,

00:39:48.300 is just so nice. And it, and it rejuvenates me and reminds me what we're doing at the value that we're

00:39:55.200 providing. And, uh, it keeps us, it keeps us going and, and don't get me wrong. I mean, I get that,

00:40:00.980 that we should be committed to this cause and we shouldn't have to require, uh, reassurance of

00:40:06.840 what we're doing, but let's be frank. It's nice. Uh, it's certainly nice. And, and Jonathan, thanks

00:40:13.200 for, for letting us know and, and dude, just happy that you guys are here supporting us on the podcast

00:40:18.520 and, and that you're showing up, uh, for the people in your life, because that's what this is all about

00:40:24.200 is, is by us becoming better men. Um, we're creating positive impact in the homes, um, with our families

00:40:31.660 within our communities. And, uh, and that's ultimately what we're trying to do. All right.

00:40:37.420 Tristan Ramirez, how to get over, uh, over retroactive jealousy, meaning you have resentment

00:40:45.780 and jealousy regarding your partner's sexual past. Oh man. Ah, oh man.

00:40:54.200 I should have read this one earlier so I can give some thought to this.

00:40:59.560 Okay. Well, what's, what's first point out? Okay. Maybe, can we point this out that like,

00:41:05.860 this is one of the benefits of like not having sex before marriage, right? So this is, is not a thing.

00:41:12.340 Uh, Tristan, I'm sure that, that if your partner right now had no sexual experiences before you,

00:41:20.760 that like, obviously this would not even be on your radar. So that would be kind of nice,

00:41:25.640 I'm assuming. Um, and, and the reason why I like hesitated a little bit thinking about this is, um,

00:41:32.620 I mean, I get it. Like, I totally get it. Um, I've been in relationships in my past and, and, um,

00:41:38.980 uh, this is tough. Like this is really tough. So, um, I get it, but I think you just have to be

00:41:48.280 present kind of, to be honest, back to what I was saying earlier, you got to be present to the story,

00:41:54.020 like the meaning. Cause let's be frank. Like, um, well, at least in the world we lived in today,

00:42:00.240 it's not uncommon, right? That we're going to end up with, um, uh, a partner or a spouse that's,

00:42:05.900 that's probably been sexually active with someone else. And so, um, one, uh, the, the probability of

00:42:13.580 us, uh, having a spouse that has not been sexually active is going to be really tough. Um, especially

00:42:20.100 depending on the community and, you know, state and your religious beliefs and those kinds of

00:42:24.020 things. Um, but regardless, like, is that what's really bothering you? Uh, and I would probably

00:42:29.840 suggest that, that it's not actually, it's, it's all the made up stuff that you're adding, you know,

00:42:36.860 the, um, did she, did she enjoy sex with other partners more than she enjoys, uh, sex with me?

00:42:43.760 Uh, did she do, you know, did she do these things with other guys, but she doesn't do it with me,

00:42:47.640 right? Like it's all those things. And, and even at the root of all those kinds of comments and thoughts

00:42:53.940 is, does she love me as much? Does she care about me as much? And it's a comparison trap, right?

00:43:01.760 A comparison trap, um, with a spouse that is with you, not with them, with you, but we don't think

00:43:10.780 about that, right? We don't go, well, geez, she chose me. She married me. So obviously I am good

00:43:15.800 enough, right? That that's way too logical, right? We'd rather like think about this and, and think of

00:43:20.560 all the, you know, uh, things that she doesn't probably like about us and that she may have

00:43:26.920 enjoyed more with someone else than us and blah, blah, blah. Just realize that's your story. That's

00:43:32.360 not even truth. Um, and if it is truth, AKA, she told you that, well then, you know, maybe you should

00:43:38.680 be moving on from that partnership. Um, but I think in most cases it's, it's the story, uh, that you're

00:43:45.840 telling yourself. And so get present to where that story is coming from. I think second is,

00:43:50.560 um, focus your attention on, and don't write, we're going to always find evidence and things

00:43:56.920 that we constantly ponder about. And so if you're investing a lot of brain cycles on those kinds of

00:44:02.460 things, um, you're, you're going to make it worse for yourself. And so, and, and I'm not saying like

00:44:08.660 turn your eye to it and avoid it and, you know, don't address it. Like if there's some legitimate

00:44:14.020 concerns or whatever, have that conversation with her. But, but I really think this is, this is probably

00:44:18.500 more in your head and more of the story that you're telling about yourself and what it means

00:44:22.640 about you than probably anything else. And, and appreciate the fact that she's with you right

00:44:28.100 now. She's with you. And that says a lot. And so maybe trust in that. Um, that's a tough

00:44:36.060 one. All right. Jeff Kessler, can you go into depth about how you develop to self-discipline?

00:44:42.660 What are your current struggles and what strategies do you utilize to stay the course?

00:44:48.740 Um, so self-discipline, um, I really think self-discipline comes down to getting very present,

00:44:57.340 um, to delayed gratification. Um, and this is just really present in my mind because as a father,

00:45:05.080 I I'm, that's my number one complaint of, of, uh, of two of my boys are really more than one than,

00:45:12.280 than the other, the other two is he lacks self-discipline. He lacks discipline. He lacks

00:45:17.240 discipline. And what that really means is he has not learned delayed gratification. There is

00:45:25.360 gratification in doing things that require discipline. Going to the gym is gratifying when

00:45:32.880 you're done. Working outside hard on the farm is great. When you're done reading a book and finishing

00:45:41.560 it is great. When you're finished, when you're done, right? There's, there's value and gratification

00:45:47.820 and a lot of things. The issue is, can we delay it? Can we go through the grind and experience

00:45:55.320 hardship and struggle and grit or whatever, and reach the benefit once we're done? I think that's

00:46:00.860 myself. That's my definition of self-discipline or what's at the root when we lack discipline.

00:46:07.780 It's really an issue with delayed gratification. And so, um, for me, it's about the grind. Um,

00:46:17.400 and I make it more about, or at least for me, it's more about how I show up in life and the man I am

00:46:26.180 and what that means and, and what it represents and the impact that it makes on my kids and my family.

00:46:32.120 And that drives me to at least act. And then through that process of repetitive action,

00:46:40.000 um, over difficult things, I received the benefit of that discipline. And then it re rejuvenates me.

00:46:51.760 Right. And it creates the habit of like, yes, that was worth it. And, and you start getting some

00:46:56.620 momentum and a really good book on the subjects is atomic habits where, where you really think

00:47:02.540 about, it's like, man, so much of what we do is actually habit driven more than it is anything

00:47:06.920 else. And it's about repetitive process and constant and, and, um, consistency more than it

00:47:13.920 is anything else. And so I would really focus on those areas of focusing on atomic, uh, atomic

00:47:20.180 habits, these small habits that need to be reoccurring in our lives. I'd look for opportunities

00:47:24.940 to create or to have a delayed gratification, um, areas where I currently struggle. Um, what

00:47:32.220 strategy do I utilize to stay the course? Um, areas where I probably currently struggle

00:47:36.680 is, um, geez. Um, I don't know, like sometimes, I mean, I don't know, I'm pretty consistent

00:47:45.560 on my workouts and those kinds of things. I think, um, an area where, where I struggle with

00:47:51.060 having discipline is these, the thought process that today's unique, that today's the exception

00:47:56.980 to the rule. And I'll use that to justify all kinds of stuff. So if I'm focusing on not

00:48:03.560 eating crap food, um, then, but today's bad, right? Oh man, I got all these means got back

00:48:10.420 to back. The baby woke up like two times last night. I'm exhausted. So I'm going to definitely

00:48:15.480 pound that Dr. Pepper because, you know, today's the exception. It's not the normal day. Um, the

00:48:22.500 exception is, is okay. And, and I use that thought process to justify all kinds of lack

00:48:29.100 of action on my part. Um, the reality though is guess what? That's every day, every day is

00:48:35.520 that way. And one tactic, I guess I, that I used to, or strategy that I used to stay the

00:48:41.880 course is I have to remind myself that if I can't handle today, what right do I have to handle

00:48:51.720 anything bigger in my life? If I can't handle a baby keeping me up until, you know, later in the

00:48:58.880 night, if I can't handle a teenage son, not listening to me, if I can't handle, uh, the, the,

00:49:05.280 the issues of, um, you know, maybe drama on a team, if I can't handle, uh, uh, confrontational

00:49:13.060 conversation with one of my employees or having to let someone go, if I can't handle those

00:49:18.640 things, what right do I think that I can even be on this podcast? What right do I have to even

00:49:26.220 coach or think that I'm a decent example to my kids on how to address something difficult?

00:49:31.680 What, what right do I have to think that I need something greater in life that I deserve

00:49:38.940 something greater than I have? If I can't even deal with what's my current circumstances,

00:49:44.440 if I can't even handle the way I show up based upon the circumstances in my life. And so when I

00:49:50.480 think that I think, Whoa, you know what, what I am dealing with is not that big of a deal. And you

00:49:56.380 know what, I can handle these situations. And, and with the idea that if I tackle life as is right

00:50:02.800 now, I'm learning and I'm growing in a way that I can take on more that I can take, play a bigger game

00:50:08.860 in life and not play small. But if I can't even deal with what I have, I don't have a right to be

00:50:14.840 asking for any more than I already have. So that that's, I don't know, that's something that kind of

00:50:19.980 gets me fired up when I think of from that perspective. All right. Taylor Edgar, how do I

00:50:25.820 help my wife who is having depression issues with weight management, self-discipline, self-worth,

00:50:30.940 and so on. I try to be the best husband and father. I can be doing all I can with what time I have at

00:50:36.980 home. We have a seven year old and 18th month old twin girls that definitely keep us busy and make it

00:50:43.940 hard to focus on ourselves. I try to help with making time for her to go to the gym or go with

00:50:49.860 me on walks, knowing that if she would just go, it would help her physically and mentally,

00:50:54.040 but she won't do it. I don't know what to do and it's hurting our marriage. Thanks in advance.

00:51:02.860 So first off, if she's dealing with depression, um, I can't say this enough, man. I, I would,

00:51:09.460 I would suggest that, that she might want to, she might want to see a counseling, um, one maybe for

00:51:16.000 your marriage. Um, but, but certainly just maybe for herself, there might be things that she's

00:51:21.340 dealing with that, um, that she doesn't want to have that conversation with you about, uh, maybe

00:51:26.580 it's something she's embarrassed about, or I don't know what it is. Um, but maybe there's a higher

00:51:31.780 probability that she might be willing to open up and have that conversation, um, with a counselor.

00:51:36.820 And so, and, and, and depending on the degree of depression, if it's like legit depression,

00:51:41.680 um, I would highly recommend, uh, that she seek counseling. I think that would be good for her,

00:51:47.720 for her to find her voice, uh, and her conversation, um, and have that conversation,

00:51:52.360 that open dialogue with other individual. What's with what's struggling in her life here. Here's the

00:51:57.700 reality. And, and, and I'm not saying Taylor that you're doing this, but I think it's,

00:52:01.300 I think we should all consider that we do this, that the communication that our spouses have with

00:52:08.040 us is based upon how we react to past conversations and they learn not to communicate with us about

00:52:15.180 certain things. Because the last time I brought that up, you overreacted the last time that you

00:52:20.620 got angry, you did this. And, and we really start teaching our spouses to like not express their

00:52:28.180 feelings to not have freedom of self-expression. And instead they bottle it up. They don't

00:52:34.700 communicate with us because right. Cause we have like quote unquote train them that it's not effective

00:52:40.360 to communicate with us. So one, I think we should all be mindful of that. And Taylor, I'm not saying

00:52:45.980 that you're doing that, but what I'm saying is I do that is what I'm saying. Um, and, and it's very

00:52:52.660 much how our kids communicate with us, right? Like, you know, if, if our teenage son is talking

00:52:58.320 back, guess what, who, who set that up? We did, right. We, we set up that scenario that said that

00:53:05.140 was justified, that that was okay. Or, you know, we build belittle them enough in our conversations.

00:53:10.900 And then they see that as the means of communication, right? Or we give them what they want when they

00:53:16.520 act up a certain way. Like, trust me, we're playing a bigger part in, in how those that we love

00:53:21.260 communicate with us. And I think there's a huge value add for us to evaluate that and maybe take

00:53:26.640 some ownership and, um, evaluation of our part that we've played in that. Um, sorry, that's a

00:53:34.340 huge segue Taylor. So back to your question about your wife, you know, I think counseling is number

00:53:40.020 one. I think number two, um, obviously be the example to where I think you're probably doing the

00:53:45.280 right thing of trying to help her out. Um, you might play like a little bit more hardball with her too,

00:53:50.920 you know, it's like, you know, maybe come home, um, and grab the kids and throw them in the car

00:53:57.400 and drive off and then text her and say, Hey, got the kids for the next four hours. Um,

00:54:03.920 your friend, so-and-so is on her way over to hang out with you. Like do that kind of stuff

00:54:08.300 because she might be running this whole guilt trip. Like, you know, I need to focus on my kids and,

00:54:13.960 and, and I, she might be feeling guilty for doing things on her own. So, you know, kind of play those

00:54:18.760 cards a little bit in a fun kind of way and put her on the spot and say, okay, you got four hours

00:54:23.120 to do whatever you want. Or I'm taking the kids to your parents' house for the weekend. Enjoy,

00:54:27.620 you know, and, and align and make arrangements for her friends to come over and visit with her.

00:54:32.840 You know, there might be some ways that you can kind of spark it up and, and get creative. Um,

00:54:38.280 the other thing is, and, and only reason why I bring this up is, is I've been really present to

00:54:43.760 this lately is it's really interesting is sometimes we talk a lot on this podcast and in, in the iron

00:54:50.980 council, which is the, um, brotherhood that's kind of tied to the order of man podcast. And,

00:54:58.440 and we talk a lot about being a lighthouse and, and this, this idea that we're not tugboats,

00:55:03.140 right? We don't push people to shore. We, uh, let our light so shine, right? So people see,

00:55:09.720 um, a different way of being and it, and it creates an opportunity for them to possibly relate

00:55:17.320 and find that out for themselves, right? We can't force people. Um, but when we show up a certain

00:55:23.480 way in life where we can be a light unto other, other individuals and they see possibility in our

00:55:29.980 way of being, that could be really, really powerful. Um, however, I think I quote unquote,

00:55:37.880 my mind or my perception is I do that. But what's interesting is I do that without,

00:55:43.860 I think I'm doing that without being happy and kind. And if you really think about it, right,

00:55:52.540 I can be getting after at work. Let's say a highly effective employee and I'm killing it.

00:55:58.360 My team's highly effective. I'm doing all these things with my kids. We're doing our nightly reading.

00:56:03.260 I'm working out with my son. Like, dude, I'm on the path. I'm killing it. I'm doing an amazing job.

00:56:07.940 But the whole time I'm so damn intense that I'm not playful and I'm not kind, but I'm getting

00:56:14.740 after it and I'm doing all those things. Do you think that's inspiring? I don't think it is.

00:56:20.220 And, and lately I've been really thinking about this for myself. It's like, man, you know,

00:56:24.280 it's funny is like, I think I'm this lighthouse, but guess what that lighthouse looks like?

00:56:28.120 It looks like happiness. It looks like joy, right? You could be getting after it and hitting the gym

00:56:37.480 and do all these things. But if you're walking around moping and depressed and pissed off all the

00:56:43.020 time, that's not inspiring. Who wants to be like that? No one. So I really think like, at least for

00:56:50.620 me, it's like, I read, I need to reassess the importance, the importance of being happy and

00:56:58.100 being kind and playful while doing all these other things. Because if happiness and joy has been

00:57:06.600 removed or is not present for other people to see, that's not a light. And, and I don't think

00:57:12.540 we're going to have people following us and, and, and following our guidance and direction when we

00:57:19.460 are highly effective, but we come across like we're depressed and, and pissed off all the time.

00:57:25.720 So maybe consider Taylor, like, how are you showing up? Is it joyful, right? That might lighten a huge

00:57:33.600 load for her. It's tough, right? And let's be honest. It's super tough because you don't want her

00:57:39.220 dependent on you being happy, right? We should all seek sovereignty, including your wife. But that

00:57:44.880 might just be like the Kickstarter that she might need in this particular circumstance. I hope that

00:57:50.800 helps. Josh Coglin, after reading while at heart and beginning to deal with my wound, my wife and I

00:57:58.620 started to find hers and it was linked to how her father treated and treats her. And she will not put

00:58:05.480 up boundaries to prevent her from being further wounded. What advice can you give to help me help

00:58:11.760 her? I think the main thing that comes to mind is, well, first off, I'm assuming that she is

00:58:19.960 kind of found this out for herself, right? So she's at least present to the idea of, of this wound that

00:58:27.840 she has. I would just have the open dialogue of why she is not, um, putting up boundaries.

00:58:37.280 And it kind of goes back to what we, what I was talking about earlier. It's like, man, it could be

00:58:41.500 her story, right? Like, I mean, she, she could be so tied to getting the approval of dad that she's

00:58:48.080 willing to put herself through the gutter to, to feel loved and accepted because maybe that's what

00:58:52.860 she's, you know, that's her story that she's dealt with her entire life. And so I really think it's

00:58:58.520 like a in-depth conversation of like, why is she okay with him? Quote unquote, you know, hurting her

00:59:07.640 or, you know, being rude to her. Why is she okay with it? And like dive into it, like really just have

00:59:15.520 this open dialogue. Don't make her wrong by the way, right? There's no right and wrong in this

00:59:19.880 conversation. Um, there is just what's so. And so I would really focus on why, and I would keep

00:59:26.940 asking the question why in more wise and more wise and really get present to what that looks like.

00:59:33.080 Second, then, and this is where Ryan and I were like the carrot and the, uh, what does he say?

00:59:38.780 The carrot and the stick, right? The carrot is a good thing that motivates us. The stick is the

00:59:43.960 negative thing that motivates us. I like the stick. Ryan likes the carrot. So I'll give you the stick.

00:59:49.040 What does this teach your kids? So I I'm assuming you have kids, but how she stands up for herself

00:59:58.880 and what she allows to happen to her, our kids learn and they think that's normal and they will

01:00:07.080 pick that up. And so I'd be really present because it's really easy for us to put ourselves through the

01:00:12.680 grinder. Right. But I think once we get present to like, Oh shit, what I'm doing affects my kids.

01:00:19.580 And they're now going to have to be struggling with the same stuff that I've dealt with my entire

01:00:24.860 life because I chose not to deal with it and handle it appropriately. That inspires me at least.

01:00:30.960 I mean, I don't know, obviously the stick. And so I'd get really present to what this means and how

01:00:37.840 this affects people around her and affects you and affects her dad. Um, let's be honest. Most of the

01:00:43.560 people that we establish boundaries against it's obviously some of it is to protect us, but it's

01:00:49.520 also to protect them, right? Her dad may need that boundary. It might be exactly what the doctors

01:00:55.600 ordered and it might be good for him. So we don't do benefit to our kids. For instance, when you

01:01:02.520 establish boundaries and then let them walk all over it, that's not what's ideal for our kids. And I'm not

01:01:07.720 ideal from the perspective of like forcing them to confine to like what we think they should do. No,

01:01:13.380 it's like learning discipline and learning boundaries and rules like that benefits them.

01:01:18.680 That will help them become better people. And so this might be the same case with her father. And so

01:01:24.120 maybe that's what she needs to hear is like, Hey, for your dad, for your guys' relationship, your

01:01:28.180 relationship could be so much better if you're willing to establish the boundary and withhold it.

01:01:32.440 Joshua Baru, what should a young man do after engagement and what to prepare for before

01:01:39.820 marriage? Okay. Should a man do after engagement and what to, uh, and what to prepare for before

01:01:46.640 marriage? Oh man, I don't know, Joshua. Here's the, here's the deal. This is, I'll just tell you what,

01:01:52.280 what I think. Um, Oh, handful of things. Let me step back, talk about everything. So you guys need to

01:02:01.520 get on the same page about how you're going to handle finances. Where are you going to live?

01:02:06.340 I would talk about names. Is she going to take your name? Like, this is one of those things that

01:02:11.960 like, you just might be assuming some stuff. And then she may say no. And then you might go,

01:02:16.040 well, shit, that really bothers me. So I would talk about as much as stuff that you need to talk

01:02:20.820 about of what marriage is going to look like. And I know that sounds kind of like depressing

01:02:24.500 because you're probably on cloud nine and we're in love and I don't want to talk about negative

01:02:28.400 things. But man, you need to work through all that stuff as much as possible. Get on the same

01:02:33.180 page, set the tone for how communication looks like within your marriage. Do that now. There's

01:02:38.780 no reason to wait. So start working through that process and setting the precedence of this is how

01:02:44.420 we communicate in this marriage. That's, that's number one. Number two, I get really present the

01:02:50.900 idea that this will be the greatest thing that you will ever do and the hardest thing that you will

01:02:55.880 ever do. And that is normal. So when you guys get in your first fight and she freaks out and slams

01:03:02.620 doors and whatever, realize, Hey, guess what, dude? Welcome to marriage. Deal with it. I think

01:03:09.220 our generation and the generation behind us, or let me just share, I'm not, I'm not in a position to

01:03:15.580 tell what, what generations are doing for me. I remember the first time I got in a fight with my

01:03:20.880 wife after we got married and I thought, Holy crap, I made a mistake because I had this opinion

01:03:29.180 that I should never fight. You should never fight in a marriage because my parents were never good

01:03:35.380 examples of what an argument looks like in a marriage or how to resolve an argument. Like

01:03:40.920 Jesus has never argued, right? Like there's never a, an argument. And so when that happened for me,

01:03:46.940 I was like, Holy crap, like I married the wrong person. Something's wrong. And, and so get really

01:03:51.820 present. Like, Hey, guess what? It's going to be tough and that's okay. And that's what makes you

01:03:58.000 guys stronger together. If you're willing to work through those issues and not brush them under,

01:04:03.580 under the rug. So I really get on this train and this idea of what communication looks like.

01:04:10.200 It's going to be tough at times, but we're committed. We're going to grow. We're going to become

01:04:14.980 better. And I honestly believe that she is not capable of becoming the woman that she's capable

01:04:22.380 of becoming. And you not be, uh, you, uh, becoming the man that you were meant to be. And I don't think

01:04:28.680 that's possible without marriage. I really don't. And so buckle up, enjoy it. Have a great time when

01:04:36.660 things are difficult. Don't assume something's wrong and like want to throw the, the, the whole

01:04:42.740 marriage out the window because it's getting tough, uh, because that's not how it works.

01:04:47.100 So stick with it. Congratulations, by the way, on your engagement and, um, uh, have an amazing

01:04:53.480 marriage. All right. Um, probably last question here, Jason Lepke. How do you deal with your

01:05:00.540 partner that has an extreme road rage issues trying to be calm and deflective does not seem to be work.

01:05:07.300 It seemed to work. So, um, and this is, I mean, first off you don't call her out on the road rage

01:05:14.680 scenario in the middle of road rage. Right? So I think that's like rule number one, right? You have

01:05:20.300 this conversation when you're not in traffic and she's not pissed off and when she's probably in a

01:05:27.000 really good mood. And then I would have the conversation about, um, you know, the, the dangers

01:05:35.040 of road rage and, and what that's teaching the kids that are sitting in the back seat and with

01:05:42.300 the effects of her and just, just, I would just really go through the dangers of it all. I mean,

01:05:47.800 and, and you'd want to do this in a, in a, in a, in a, an environment by which she's already in a good

01:05:52.680 mood and, and things are going okay because obviously, you know, you don't want her pissed

01:05:56.580 off and then you're going to like, well, let me coach you about the dangers of road rage. Like

01:06:00.140 that's not going to help out either. And you might want to even pull some statistics around,

01:06:03.420 you know, you know, things that happened during road rage and those kinds of things.

01:06:07.120 And, and for me personally, I never understood it much because I just, I don't know. I think

01:06:12.900 people that lose control of their emotions, um, are, are, that's a really bad sign. And so I don't

01:06:20.100 like it. In fact, it really bothers me, um, when people lose their emotions and they like freak out.

01:06:26.300 So, um, I don't know, maybe there's some books that, that I can't even think of any books

01:06:31.580 that might be down this path, but, but I think it's about being present of what you,

01:06:36.340 what you ponder about and what you think about. I mean, for me, it's funny because I swear anytime

01:06:41.340 that I've ever gotten pissed off at driving, I swear that, that I'll give you an example.

01:06:47.100 You know, if I had someone cut me off earlier in the day and I was like, Oh my gosh, like

01:06:51.380 complete jerk, whatever guaranteed later in the day, I accidentally cut someone off,

01:06:56.740 like guaranteed. Like, and then I'll be like, and then I'll remember me doing that earlier in

01:07:01.200 the day and go, I'm such a dick. Right. And it's like, here's the reality. Most people don't know

01:07:06.640 who you are, especially in a car. And so no one's out to get you. No one's, everyone's worried about

01:07:12.240 themselves and they're not present to anybody else. And, and we don't know the story that everyone

01:07:17.260 else is having. We don't know what's going on in those vehicles. We don't know the day that they're

01:07:21.240 having. And this goes for life in general. Right. And so we got to be a little bit slower

01:07:25.400 to place judgment and, and most importantly, to assume that we're the center of attention so much

01:07:31.380 that, you know, people in other cars are out to get us and piss us off. Like really where any rage

01:07:37.580 is a result of like reflection of backed on ourselves and what we're meaning, making it mean

01:07:43.500 about ourselves. That's why we get mad about it. No one gets mad because a car moved from lane one to

01:07:47.880 lane two. We get mad because when that car moved that disrespected us, right? It's like, you know,

01:07:53.160 we got to let go of that meeting. Um, I don't know, maybe, I don't know the good way to actually

01:07:58.140 coach her though, man. Um, maybe just get present to, to the effects. And, um, and, and if you have

01:08:05.040 kids, maybe you can use that, that angle of, you know, what does this teach our kids of how to deal

01:08:09.520 with their emotions and dealing with things that bother them? And maybe this isn't a, a great example

01:08:14.760 to them. So, um, good luck, man. I, that was, I probably should have skipped your question,

01:08:19.760 Jason, maybe save that for another AMA because, uh, I don't know. I don't have much to, to offer

01:08:25.800 in that regard. So, all right, guys. So we're up on, we're roughly up on the hour or so. So,

01:08:31.620 um, we're going to go ahead and wrap this up. So, uh, stay tuned. Obviously, uh, you're catching

01:08:36.600 this. Ask me anything. This is on Wednesdays. Ryan does his interview show with, uh, just amazing

01:08:42.860 people. Uh, they're, I don't know. I just love the interview shows on Tuesdays and then on Fridays,

01:08:48.860 uh, you'll get Ryan doing Friday field notes. Uh, this is where Ryan kind of shares his thoughts on

01:08:54.160 a, on a soapbox of whatever topic that he deems kind of important. And some of that comes from

01:09:00.140 social situations to conversations that we get on, uh, the Facebook group at facebook.com slash

01:09:06.440 group slash order of man, or some of those topics might come or results of conversations that we're

01:09:11.720 having within the iron council. The iron councils are exclusive, exclusive brotherhood. Uh, we have

01:09:17.940 roughly, geez, we might be almost up to 600 guys. It's been growing like crazy of late.

01:09:23.400 Uh, you can learn about the iron council and what we do, um, at order of man.com slash iron

01:09:29.700 council. And as always, uh, to support this movement and this podcast, if you guys like this

01:09:34.980 message, if you like what we're attempting to do, um, and the mission that we're on support

01:09:40.160 this podcast by subscribing. Uh, we typically record a lot of these videos, uh, on our YouTube

01:09:46.620 channel. Uh, you can just search order of man on YouTube. Um, and of course you can invite

01:09:51.880 others if, or you can join the Facebook group. Well, like I said earlier, facebook.com slash

01:09:56.660 group slash order of man. And of course, uh, pick up your latest swag, your order of man

01:10:01.260 swag. The store has been replenished with all kinds of gear, everything from wallets, shirts,

01:10:07.560 hats, flags, decals, and of course the battle planner, uh, to learn more about what that quote

01:10:14.100 unquote battle planner is for you guys that don't know, uh, look up Ryan's book sovereignty.

01:10:20.160 Uh, and that will explain a lot more. And that's really at the foundation of what we do, uh,

01:10:26.100 within the iron council, uh, in regards to events, June 11th through the 14th, 2020 is

01:10:31.380 our legacy event. That's a father and son event in Maine. Um, and it is awesome. It is probably

01:10:37.760 one of my favorite events that we put on that's for boys between the ages of eight and 15 years

01:10:42.820 old, uh, to learn more, go to order of man.com slash legacy. And as always to stay connected

01:10:50.120 with us and Mr. Mickler, you can follow Mickler on Twitter and Instagram at Ryan Mickler. That's

01:10:56.200 R Y a N M I C H L E R. And you can connect with me on Instagram at Kip Sorensen. That's K I P P

01:11:05.480 S O R E N S E N. And until next time, which is pretty much Friday filled notes, take action and

01:11:14.440 become the men you were meant to be. Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're

01:11:19.580 ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join

01:11:24.320 the order at order of man.com.

Order of Man - January 22, 2020

The Toxic Workplace, Executing on Your Dreams, and Developing Self-Discipline ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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