Order of Man - The Treachery of Self-Betrayal

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly charge

00:00:04.880 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.220 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:16.780 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.200 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Mickler.

00:00:26.960 I'm the host and the founder of the Order of Man podcast and movement. Welcome here today and

00:00:31.880 welcome back if you've been a long time listener of this podcast. And if you have, I just want to

00:00:36.460 say thank you. Thank you for tuning in. Thank you for applying this information. Thank you for

00:00:40.340 stepping up because it's clear now more than ever, even more than I started eight years ago, that

00:00:45.300 we need more fathers, husbands, business owners, leaders in the community, and men in general to

00:00:50.740 step up, to lead themselves well, to lead others well, to admit when we mess up, to rectify and

00:00:56.360 fix those situations to the degree that we can and continue to improve our lives so we can in turn

00:01:02.040 improve the lives of the people we have a responsibility for. And that's what this podcast

00:01:06.400 is about. It's about giving you information and resources you need to do just that. If you are

00:01:11.380 brand new to what we're doing here, we interview incredibly successful men, guys like Jocko Willink

00:01:17.220 and David Goggins and Andy Frisilla. We've also had men like Terry Cruz and Ben Shapiro and Matthew

00:01:25.640 McConaughey on the podcast. And I'm telling you, the lineup of men we have on this show is absolutely

00:01:30.960 incredible. So thank you for tuning in. Thank you for joining us today. I'm going to talk with you

00:01:35.640 about this concept of self-betrayal and why it's so important that we acknowledge when we're betraying

00:01:41.460 ourselves. We're also going to look at some of the symptoms to recognize and acknowledge if you are

00:01:46.960 in the throes of betraying yourself. And then I'm going to talk with you about five helpful tips

00:01:51.340 that you can use and employ in your life to make sure that you're not only not betraying yourself,

00:01:56.960 but that you're honoring and upholding your commitments to your family, your friends,

00:02:00.560 your colleagues, your coworkers, your loved ones, and even complete strangers that I believe as men,

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00:02:55.200 All right, guys, let's talk about this concept of self-betrayal. So I heard that this morning with a

00:03:00.180 meeting I was having for our Brotherhood, the Iron Council, and my good friend and many of you know who

00:03:05.000 he is, Kip Sorensen. He's my co-host on our Ask Me Anything podcast. We were talking about integrity

00:03:10.960 and the importance of being in integrity. Mike Ellerbe was talking about this topic and sharing

00:03:16.920 with some of the team leaders in the Brotherhood. And he was talking about how to make sure that we

00:03:21.440 are integrity with other people. And Kip mentioned something interesting that I've heard before,

00:03:25.980 but I never really grasped onto it. And it's this idea of self-betrayal. So a lot of the times we hear

00:03:31.880 you have to be in integrity. You have to do what you say you're going to do. And that's all fine

00:03:36.060 and great. But when Kip mentioned this concept of self-betrayal as a synonym for integrity,

00:03:42.880 to me, it lands. It hits harder. Engaging in self-betrayal is something more powerful to me

00:03:51.660 than just trying to be in integrity. And so I really explored and thought about that concept this morning.

00:03:57.560 And I wanted to share some of those thoughts with you. Here's the reason this is so important.

00:04:02.120 Because we talk a lot about betrayal to others, honoring commitments, upholding commitments,

00:04:06.180 doing what we say we're going to do. And all of that is fine and wonderful. We should be doing that.

00:04:10.220 But if we're betraying ourselves, at the end of the day, nothing else is going to matter. We're not

00:04:15.720 going to feel great about ourselves. We're not going to accomplish tasks and objectives. We're not

00:04:21.260 going to, certainly not going to lead others because there's a breakdown in trust.

00:04:24.360 And we just won't live the lives that we're capable of living. There is so much mental and

00:04:30.020 emotional weight that comes from not getting out of bed when your alarm goes off. There is so much

00:04:36.280 mental and emotional burden when you have multiple projects laying around the house that you started,

00:04:41.880 but never finished. There is so much mental and emotional burden and weight when we tell people

00:04:48.620 that we're going to do something and we don't complete it. Not only does the stuff not get done,

00:04:53.940 but what's the way we feel about it. And we hear a lot, especially in the men's space,

00:05:00.220 about we shouldn't be concerned with how we feel and emotions aren't great indicators. I think they

00:05:06.260 are. I think our emotions are helpful. We don't want to act out solely on our emotion, but I think

00:05:11.500 it's important that we acknowledge what we're experiencing. And if you're feeling anxiety and

00:05:15.780 depression and stress, good indicator that something's off. And so it's crucial that we figure out

00:05:21.400 what it is. And I would suggest to you that maybe, maybe it's some element of self-betrayal.

00:05:26.720 We've got to find a way not to betray ourselves before we start worrying about how to honor our

00:05:30.140 commitments and be in integrity with other people. Let's talk about some of these symptoms. Number one,

00:05:34.680 if you are never completing projects that you've started, then there might be some self-betrayal

00:05:40.880 happening here. Now, look, I know people are going to say, well, I got busy and I had other projects

00:05:45.820 and I had my priorities changed and I get all that. I understand that. But that's actually a symptom

00:05:50.120 too. If you continue to rationalize and justify and excuse away your underperformance or you not

00:05:56.580 honoring your commitment, that's an act of self-betrayal. Now, we're going to talk a little

00:06:00.700 bit about how to overcome this in my helpful hint segment. But for now, that's the most important

00:06:06.600 thing you need to realize is that if there's things laying around the house or files that need to be

00:06:11.540 put away or projects at work that need to be completed and you're not completing those things,

00:06:16.840 you're betraying yourself. You're moving on to the next bright and shiny object. Maybe you're not

00:06:22.180 managing your schedule the way that you should. Maybe you're overcommitted and you need to not

00:06:27.000 do that so that you can actually complete the projects you say. Maybe you don't have the right

00:06:32.560 people in place. Maybe they don't trust you to do the job that you want them to do. There's so much

00:06:36.840 going on here when you don't have, excuse me, when you don't have the projects around the house and

00:06:42.580 your office and your space completed. Number two is if you recognize and acknowledge a lack of trust

00:06:49.360 from other people, they might be recognizing some self-betrayal or integrity issues in you before

00:06:57.060 you're able to recognize it yourself. We have a tremendous, tremendous ability to deceive

00:07:04.100 ourselves to justify and rationalize and excuse away our own behavior. If other people don't trust

00:07:10.680 you, it's likely because they know you're not a man who follows through on his word. Guys, we can

00:07:17.160 rebuild this. Sometimes it gets damaged. Sometimes it needs to be repaired, but we can rebuild it only if

00:07:23.500 you acknowledge it and you see that some people don't trust you. Now, our natural reaction might be,

00:07:30.640 well, I don't need all these people in my life and I don't give a F what anybody else thinks about

00:07:36.760 how I show up. I don't really believe that. I don't really buy into that. What I buy into is that

00:07:43.240 you actually do care about what other people think of you, especially those guys who beat on their

00:07:47.420 chest and say, I don't. If you truly were indifferent to the way other people felt about you,

00:07:52.000 you wouldn't feel the need to proclaim all over social media how you don't care what other people

00:07:57.820 think of you. The fact that you're saying that you don't care what other people think is an indicator

00:08:02.980 that you do care what other people think. And that's not bad, by the way. Now, we ought to exercise

00:08:08.040 discernment because we want to only consider those who have our best interest at heart and those who

00:08:15.860 are credible in giving us advice. Those are people I care about. I care about what my kids think of me.

00:08:21.100 I care about what you guys think. I care about the guys who are part of our iron council brotherhood

00:08:27.880 or who come to our events or who wear our merchandise. I care certainly about what they

00:08:31.860 think. And that helps me perform in a better way. So I want to develop and build trust with other

00:08:37.180 people. I want other people to think highly of me because if they do, I can have more influence and

00:08:41.900 hopefully lead them to a better place. Isn't that what you want for your kids? Isn't that what you

00:08:47.260 want for your spouse? Isn't that what you want for your employees? Even if they don't stick around

00:08:50.620 with you forever, don't you want them to be in a better place? That requires trust. And trust is

00:08:55.980 the bedrock for a relationship is built upon whether or not you can honor and keep your word.

00:09:02.680 And if you can't, then you're going to start to notice that there's not a lot of people around

00:09:06.960 you that trust you. They're not asking you for help. They're not asking you for feedback. They

00:09:10.780 don't put much weight and stock into what you say because they know it's all aligned. Number three,

00:09:15.980 you're having feelings of inferiority, anxiety, and depression. Now, I'm not a medical professional,

00:09:24.240 so let me throw that out there. But I would suggest to you, at least on an anecdotal level,

00:09:29.880 maybe there's some data or science to support this. You guys can let me know if there is.

00:09:33.240 I'm curious. But I'd be willing to bet that the majority of anxiety, depression, mental health

00:09:39.860 disorder, things like this that we see in men is a result of self-betrayal. We have this vision or

00:09:47.500 this version of ourselves that we want to be. And it's made up in our mind. I want to be healthy. I

00:09:51.900 want to be fit. I want to be strong. I want to be a great communicator. I want to run a successful

00:09:56.120 business. I want to have a happy marriage. I want to be a great father. All these things that we have a

00:10:00.460 desire to do and be as a goal, as a vision. And then we look at our own lives. And you want to be

00:10:06.920 a great father, but you're not real present because you're so engaged at work. Or you want to start a

00:10:10.920 business, but you're handcuffed with your current employment and you're not daring to go out and

00:10:14.740 start your own thing. Or you want to lose weight and run a marathon or get in shape. And yet you stop

00:10:19.820 at Del Taco or Burger King every day to get food on the way home. So you have this vision of who you

00:10:25.720 want to be. And then you have the current reality of who you are. And the greater that divide, I call

00:10:31.160 this the integrity gap. The greater the divide between who you want to be and who you currently

00:10:36.700 are, that's going to create inferiority, anxiety, depression, confidence issues. So if you're

00:10:46.560 experiencing any or all of those things, I would suggest to you that you take a good long look

00:10:52.440 at your day, at your activities, at your words, and whether or not they're aligning and in alignment

00:10:59.060 with your actions and start to rectify that. If, for example, you tell yourself, I'm going to get up

00:11:05.220 at 6am this morning and I'm going to go run, you need to get up at 6am and go run. If you tell your

00:11:12.540 wife that you're going to go do a project around the house this weekend, you better get up early,

00:11:18.600 go do your run, come back, clean up, whatever you need to do, get to the hardware store. Now start

00:11:23.680 getting after that project. If you tell your kids that you're going to take them to play baseball

00:11:29.280 or the trampoline park this afternoon, you better take them to the trampoline park this afternoon.

00:11:37.800 If you tell yourself you're going to eat clean and you're not going to eat any processed sugars,

00:11:41.660 the minute you start eating processed sugars, you're going to think less of yourself,

00:11:45.460 not necessarily because of the sugar, although that could have something to do with it,

00:11:48.880 but because you lied to yourself, you betrayed yourself. It's treachery. It's treasonous.

00:11:55.480 You said you were going to do something. You did something else. And so you betrayed yourself.

00:12:00.300 It's crucial. And it's not just crucial because you committed to other people. It's crucial because

00:12:05.140 of how you're going to feel about yourself. And then the last symptom that I wrote down here is

00:12:09.140 that there's a lack of fulfillment, satisfaction, and pride in your life. Of course,

00:12:12.940 you can't be proud of getting out of bed late. You can't be proud of not going to the gym and not

00:12:20.660 going for a run. You can't be proud of eating all the Burger King that you can possibly handle.

00:12:25.720 You can't be proud of sitting your ass on the couch this entire weekend, not doing any projects

00:12:30.600 around the house, not honoring your word, not taking your kids to the baseball field or the

00:12:34.580 trampoline park. You can't feel pride in those things. And in fact, it's quite the opposite.

00:12:40.980 You feel guilt and shame because you know that you should be doing more and you've committed to

00:12:46.860 doing more. And yet you're not. This is how we betray ourselves. And this is how it feels to betray

00:12:51.380 yourself. Let's talk about some of the tips because I think all of this is common sense. Maybe I think

00:12:57.800 we know inherently that we can't be doing these things. And yet so many of us, myself included at

00:13:03.280 times, find it difficult to follow through on our commitments to ourselves and other people.

00:13:07.500 So what can we do? Well, number one is you have to know what you want and what you don't

00:13:12.040 want. If we're talking about fitness, for example, do you want to build muscle? Do you want to lose

00:13:17.500 weight? Do you want to be a runner? Do you want to be a power lifter? Do you want to train specifically

00:13:20.940 for martial arts? Do you want to do functional fitness? What exactly do you want? And what don't

00:13:27.420 you want? If you want to build muscle, for example, and become a power lifter, then doing a bunch

00:13:32.460 of running probably isn't going to help you with that. But going to the gym, lifting heavy,

00:13:38.720 bench press, deadlifts, squats, pull-ups, dips, et cetera, are going to help you achieve your

00:13:45.220 objective. Now, it's really, really important that you know what you want and what you don't

00:13:48.980 because now every decision and every experience and every encounter and every quote-unquote opportunity

00:13:54.420 can be measured against your vision and your objectives. And you can decide whether or not

00:14:00.200 this is something I want to do. I got a call from a text from a friend the other day and they've got

00:14:06.700 some coaching programs that they offer. And he said, Hey, would you be interested in promoting

00:14:10.640 our coaching services? And if you do, we'll compensate you X amount of dollars for everybody

00:14:14.700 who comes over. Normally, I would have said yes to that because it's enticing, right? There's the

00:14:19.580 monetary gain from it. And there's the fact that I want to help my friends and businesses.

00:14:23.800 But in this case, I knew what I wanted. I know what projects I'm working on. I know what I'm

00:14:28.960 currently committed to. And I know I'm at capacity with regards to the business. And I can't and

00:14:34.220 won't. Not even that I can't. I won't invest any other time detracting from my current priorities

00:14:40.260 and commitments. So I politely declined the offer. And I felt great about it. I felt great because

00:14:46.920 had I accepted the offer, there would have been calls and emails. And then I would have felt

00:14:52.640 obligated to promote and all these other things that I'm just not interested in right now based on where

00:14:57.220 I am with the business. So it's important that you know what you want and what you don't. So you

00:15:03.120 can say yes to the right opportunities and you can say no to the wrong ones. Number two, setting

00:15:08.060 healthy boundaries. Guys, so many of us let people walk all over us. The way they treat us, the demands

00:15:14.900 they make of our time and attention, the expectation they have of us, the way that they want us to show

00:15:19.580 up. And it's not always devious. Like I don't think most people are out to take advantage of us.

00:15:24.600 There are some, sure. But I don't think most people are out to take advantage of us. I don't think most

00:15:29.540 people are out to go against our own desires or best wishes. It's just that they have their own

00:15:34.960 priorities. You know, for example, if I'm in an office space and my door is open and my employees

00:15:42.620 think that they can just come in and talk to me at any point throughout the day, it's not that they're

00:15:47.520 trying to keep me from doing my work. It might feel like that, but they're not. They're just being

00:15:51.880 selfish. And I'm not even saying that negatively. They have their own projects and priorities and

00:15:57.980 they might need you to sign off on something so they can get what they need to get done,

00:16:02.480 which I can appreciate. But if I don't have boundaries set as far as how often I'm available

00:16:08.880 or when I'm available or how I will be approached, then people are going to walk all over that. Again,

00:16:13.400 not out of any ill intent, but just because it's their priority. And I've heard it great,

00:16:19.020 put one, uh, put great one time. Somebody said, don't make other people's priorities,

00:16:24.640 your problem. Don't make other people's priorities, your problem. Now, let me say this,

00:16:28.960 the disclaimer here for the people who are going to nitpick over that phrase. Okay. I'm not saying

00:16:33.780 that your priorities shouldn't be your problem. So some people will conflate it to you. When I say

00:16:38.580 don't make other people's priorities, your problem, your employees problems, if they're your

00:16:44.000 employees are also your problems. So understand what I'm saying here, exercise some discernment.

00:16:50.060 I'm not saying that if you have obligations to help people with certain things that you don't

00:16:55.400 help them, I'm saying your other people's problems are not necessarily a priority for you. Okay.

00:17:01.940 Uh, so setting healthy boundaries, communicating what those boundaries are, letting people know how

00:17:06.860 you will be talked to when you're available, what you will tolerate, what you won't tolerate,

00:17:10.840 never acting out of emotion, but just simply stating what is, and then reminding people of

00:17:16.080 those boundaries. When they start to get real close to stepping over the line, uphold those

00:17:20.440 boundaries, communicate, engage, execute the boundaries, and then uphold them. Number three,

00:17:26.760 this one's huge. Don't overcommit. I just gave you an example of that. I could have overcommitted by

00:17:32.580 entering into that, uh, that partnership relationship that I told you about via text.

00:17:37.660 If I would have done that, I would have been stressed out, right? That's one of the

00:17:40.720 symptoms. I would have been stressed out because I've, I would have felt obligated because I put

00:17:46.000 myself in that spot of obligation to market and to promote and to have phone calls and to do all

00:17:53.300 the things. And I don't, I'm not interested in that right now. So I could either say no now,

00:17:58.480 or I can just drop the ball later. And then I undermined my trust with other people. Again,

00:18:04.760 that's another symptom. So I knew where this was going. And most of us, I think do know when we're

00:18:09.840 doing it and yet we do it anyways. Oh, I can find time. I can squeeze it in. Yeah. I want to be

00:18:14.960 helpful. I get all of that. I understand all of that. But if it's coming at the expense of other

00:18:21.280 things, other priorities, then you know, it's a problem. And that's how, you know, people will say,

00:18:25.860 well, how do I know? I can take on more. Sure. We could all take on more. We could all squeeze

00:18:30.260 another 15, 20, 30 minutes, an hour out of our day to do something else. But should you be doing that?

00:18:35.960 And at what cost does it come? Again, if it's coming at the expense of other projects,

00:18:41.280 tasks, hobbies, pursuits, priorities, then it's got to go. And by the way, you can do that with

00:18:47.840 your current schedule. Now, if there's certain commitments that you've made now, you know,

00:18:51.620 finish those commitments to the best of your ability. If the situation or circumstances have

00:18:56.140 changed, communicate that with whoever needs to be communicated with and start clearing up your

00:19:00.180 schedule so you can focus on what's important and add that new sense of fulfillment,

00:19:03.900 satisfaction, and pride back into your life. Number four, learn to say no with tact.

00:19:11.300 Now, I threw that last little element in there with tact because saying no to somebody,

00:19:16.720 establishing boundaries, and then saying no is not a permission slip to be a dick.

00:19:22.200 And I don't know where this idea came from. I really don't. And we see it on social media all

00:19:27.700 the time. And again, that's when people say zero F's mentality, and I don't care what anybody else

00:19:32.900 thinks. And if they don't like me, that's their problem. It's such an arrogant way to live.

00:19:38.220 It's really arrogant. It's egotistical. And I think it'll come back to bite you in the butt.

00:19:42.820 Again, I do care what other people think. And even if I don't, I'm still not going to be a jerk to

00:19:47.280 somebody. Because look, the last thing you want to do is burn bridges. So if somebody presents an

00:19:52.100 opportunity to you, and it's not a good fit for you, if you say no, and you're a jerk about it,

00:19:56.380 they're never going to present anything else to you that could actually be advantageous.

00:20:00.200 A great example of that is every once in a while, I'll have publishers who will reach out to me

00:20:05.600 because they'd like me to interview one of their authors. And sometimes it's a fit. And other times

00:20:12.680 it isn't. So I have to say no to publishers who could potentially introduce me to individuals that

00:20:20.220 I do want to have on the podcast. But I have to do it with class intact. Because if I don't,

00:20:25.660 then I'm just burning the bridge altogether. And they're never going to come to me and present

00:20:28.320 the opportunity. So an example of doing that would be, hey, you know, Susan, thank you for

00:20:34.560 reaching out to me. I appreciate you keeping me in mind. We're currently booked with podcast guests.

00:20:40.040 And this particular guest is a subject that we recently covered. So we're not going to revisit

00:20:44.120 that one for a while. If you do have other authors who fit X, Y, and Z, we would be very

00:20:50.060 interested in interviewing those individuals. You're saying no, but you're doing it with tact.

00:20:55.200 You're leaving the door open. You're even asking her to present new ideas to her. You're giving her

00:21:00.080 an opportunity to do her job even better by explaining what it is you're after. So we don't

00:21:05.720 need to fall into this false dichotomy of, I can either say no and be a complete asshole or say yes,

00:21:11.700 and then build trust. No, you can say no and still develop trust if you do it correctly.

00:21:17.000 And then the last thing I wrote down here, guys, for helpful tips is that when you go,

00:21:21.080 when you go into something that you go all in or just don't go at all and not going at all is okay.

00:21:28.940 All too often, I hear from guys who think that they have to do everything just like me or everything

00:21:33.800 just like one of my guests and they don't enjoy it or they don't like it or they don't have time

00:21:38.800 for it. And they think, oh man, I'm such a loser. I'm such a failure because I didn't do this thing.

00:21:42.760 No, you're not. It just means it doesn't fit for you. It's not a priority. It's not an interest.

00:21:47.200 It's not something that you really care about. And that's okay. It's okay to say no. It's okay

00:21:52.300 not to be interested in martial arts, for example. It's okay to not be a hunter like a lot of the guys

00:22:01.940 I have on the pod. It's okay that you didn't join the military. Now, some guys will say, no,

00:22:05.780 we need to do all those things. I think, yeah, probably get some experience with all of those

00:22:10.520 things. But if it's not your thing, it's okay. It's okay. Because I want you to find something

00:22:17.680 or develop and create and uncover, unpack something that you can go all in on. As Ron Swanson would say,

00:22:25.400 never half-ass two things, always whole-ass one thing. And that goes back to knowing what you want

00:22:31.960 and what you don't, learning to say no, setting healthy boundaries, not over-committing,

00:22:36.380 and then giving yourself the opportunity from a time and resources perspective to go all in on

00:22:42.720 the things that really matter. I hope this serves you guys. There's so much self-betrayal in my own

00:22:47.940 life and in the lives of the men that I work with. And I know that when I get up this morning, I got up

00:22:53.260 and I went for a run because I said I was going to do that. It took a little longer than I wanted to,

00:22:57.560 not only the run, but me getting the motivation to go do it. But I finally got ready,

00:23:02.920 got out of the house, and went on my run. And I feel better. It's a little bit more pride

00:23:09.060 than I had before because I honored a commitment to myself and I did not engage in this treachery

00:23:15.440 of self-betrayal. All right, guys. I hope that serves you. Let me know if it does. Let me know

00:23:20.420 if there's also other topics that you want me to address. Happy to address as many topics and

00:23:24.080 information and anything that I can. Again, our mission is to help you become the best man that

00:23:28.940 you can possibly be. So let me know what you're interested in and I'll cover it. And or I'll

00:23:33.820 bring a guest on who can cover it specifically. All right, guys, please just take a screenshot,

00:23:40.000 post this up on socials, let people know what you're listening to. Send me a message. Let me

00:23:44.820 know what you appreciate. Let me know what you're getting, what value you're getting from this.

00:23:49.000 And then check out Montana Knife Company. Use the code ORDEROMAN at checkout for the discount.

00:23:53.560 And let's keep getting after it. All right, guys, let's go out there, take action. No self-betrayal

00:23:58.680 and become the man we are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.

00:24:04.120 You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.

00:24:08.080 We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - October 27, 2023

The Treachery of Self-Betrayal ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

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