Order of Man - This is How I Got Sober ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly charge

00:00:04.900 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.260 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:16.840 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.260 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler.

00:00:27.460 I'm your host. I'm the founder of the Order of Man podcast and movement. Welcome here

00:00:32.600 today. I think that this message is going to resonate with so many of you. When I came clean

00:00:39.540 about my struggles with alcoholism, I was amazed how many people messaged me, direct message,

00:00:47.580 email, got a hold of me however they could, and let me know that they were struggling

00:00:51.660 with the same thing. And I have been blown away by not only the support, but also the

00:00:57.300 need for conversations about alcohol abuse. It is prevalent, of course, obviously in society

00:01:04.440 today. And there are millions and millions of men who deal with the issue and want to

00:01:10.460 stop, but don't know how to stop. So today I want to share with you eight tips that I have

00:01:16.080 used to get myself sober over the past nearly seven months now. I do want to tell you that

00:01:22.000 I don't consider this a battle that's over. I think this is something that I'll always deal

00:01:27.620 with and struggle with. But these eight steps have really helped me on my own personal sobriety

00:01:35.860 journey. I also want to say that I am not an expert on this thing. If you have mental professionals

00:01:42.220 and addiction specialists, please use those people. Learn what they have to share and say

00:01:48.200 and implement those things in your life. I'm just sharing what works for me. And my hope is

00:01:54.140 that it works for you if alcohol abuse is something that you're dealing with. If you would, please

00:01:59.400 just, the only ask I have for today is if you know somebody who's struggling with alcohol, and I don't

00:02:05.420 care if it's a man or a woman, if you know somebody who's struggling with alcohol, please share this

00:02:10.320 message. Wherever you're listening to, hit the little share button, send a text, promote it on

00:02:15.560 Instagram or Facebook or Twitter, wherever you're doing your social media stuff. Not necessarily for

00:02:20.420 my own benefit, but for the benefit of the people who are dealing with these issues and haven't found

00:02:25.840 a way out of their struggles. So let's get right into it. Number one is, and I think this is the first

00:02:32.220 thing that needs to happen. The pain needs to be so great in your life that you're willing to change

00:02:39.300 because change is hard. You know, you've carved out a way of being, a way of behaving, a way of

00:02:45.880 thinking, a way of operating, a way of coping and dealing with your struggles in life. And it's become

00:02:52.980 so deep. That rut has become so deep that getting out of it, something drastic typically needs to

00:02:59.360 happen. It doesn't have to happen because your pain, and I wrote this down here as a very important

00:03:05.160 point here. It can be real pain as in you are really truly in the midst of pain. Maybe you got

00:03:14.440 a DUI. Maybe you drove drunk and injured somebody or heaven forbid killed somebody. But obviously those

00:03:23.860 are real painful. Maybe you lost a relationship because of your addiction. That is real suffering.

00:03:30.100 And unfortunately for a lot of us, we have to get to that point before we decide to change.

00:03:34.640 The pain of the current reality has to be greater than the discomfort of the change that we want

00:03:40.860 to engage in. But I don't think that it has to be something so catastrophic. I believe that we can,

00:03:47.340 in a way, manufacture this pain to get us over the hump of actually working towards and becoming

00:03:55.380 sober. And what I mean by that is I want you to play out your life. I want you to play out where you

00:04:01.680 currently are in life and ask yourself if you continue down this path, what is going to happen?

00:04:07.200 Are you going to have some sort of cancer that you're going to need to deal with? Are you going

00:04:11.900 to lose your relationships and your family? Are you going to potentially kill somebody and or get

00:04:16.560 arrested? You can manufacture these things in your mind and play out where your current trajectory is

00:04:22.600 going to take you. And maybe, hopefully, if you can be clear enough, vivid enough about what your future

00:04:30.880 might hold, maybe that's enough pain to get you to change. But I'm telling you, if you're not in pain,

00:04:38.040 if you're not struggling, if you don't feel down and depressed and beat down, or you haven't lost

00:04:42.460 something or at least conjured up that image in your mind, it's going to be very difficult for you to

00:04:47.280 change courses. It has to happen for you to pivot. So I hate that that's the case. I really do. But

00:04:54.400 pain is a great teacher. It's a great motivator. It's a great inspiring fuel factor, if you will,

00:05:00.180 only if you use it correctly. Number two is you have to confess. And I wrote them in parentheses here

00:05:05.720 with discretion. You have to confess what's going on with discretion. Now we've all heard

00:05:12.960 things about bringing sin into light and these types of behaviors can't exist in light. They only

00:05:22.460 exist in darkness. I believe that's true. I think that we have to confess to ourselves,

00:05:29.360 admit that we actually have a real problem with what we're dealing with, that up to this point,

00:05:35.880 we haven't been able to get a handle on it, that we can't do it on our own. These are all things that

00:05:40.760 you need to realize and you need to confess that to yourself, right? If you're making excuses and

00:05:47.140 look, some of you, and I did this, knew that you had a problem. I mean, I can't tell you how many

00:05:52.300 times I wanted to come clean. I wanted to talk to my wife. I wanted to talk to you guys in the

00:05:57.480 podcast and let you know, usually I did that when I was drunk and I was thinking I'm going to do it

00:06:01.420 this time. And then I would sober up and chicken out. We know that it's destructive. We know that it's

00:06:06.600 damaging. We know that it's hindering and hurting us. We know it's hurting the people around us.

00:06:11.700 And yet we still rationalize it. We justify it. Some of the ways I would do that is I would say

00:06:16.560 that I'm a high functioning alcoholic. You know, my family's still good, making good business.

00:06:22.460 The business continues to grow. And those are the stories, the lies that I told myself that I could

00:06:29.500 function very highly while actually engaging in my alcohol abuse. And what I realize now,

00:06:37.180 because I've been sober for nearly seven months is that that was a lie. That was a deceit.

00:06:43.140 I was pulling the wool over my own eyes because I realized how much more effective,

00:06:48.600 how much happier, how much healthier I am when I'm not drinking. I can't believe actually that I

00:06:54.360 operated to the degree that I did, even while I was drunk, hung over, or blacked out for four to five

00:07:01.300 hours every single day. It was a huge, huge problem for me. And only now that I'm sober,

00:07:09.460 do I see it clearly. Now, the reason I also say to confess with discretion is because I don't really

00:07:14.880 think that you need to blast this out to the entire world unless there's a motive for doing so.

00:07:19.980 Now I have in a way through obviously this podcast and social media channels, but my motive is to help

00:07:25.920 other men. I mean, they are here with order of man, just like you are to learn, to grow, to develop,

00:07:32.460 to get better, to improve. And I felt like if I were to share this message, then it would help others

00:07:38.540 hopefully do the same thing. But not all of us are in the same position as me. And so blasting out or

00:07:44.600 airing your dirty laundry where everybody can see it isn't necessarily a good thing. I would really

00:07:50.160 take into consideration A, your motive for doing so. Why is it that you're going to share? Is it so

00:07:57.580 you can have accountability? Is it that you can help somebody else? Is it that they can help you

00:08:01.880 on your own path? Why exactly do you feel inclined to share it with somebody? And then also consider who

00:08:07.620 you're sharing it with. Do these people love you? Do these people have your best interest in mind?

00:08:13.700 Do these people want you to win? Are these people that you want to emulate and be like in your life?

00:08:19.000 And if they're not meeting that criteria, it's probably not a good idea to share it with those

00:08:23.980 individuals. But I do think you should share. I do think you should tell people about your struggles

00:08:29.060 because not only are they going to help you if they love and care about you, but you actually,

00:08:33.280 what I found is might be serving somebody else who's going through a similar issue.

00:08:37.680 And that's a beautiful way to overcome your alcohol addiction is to realize that you overcoming it

00:08:44.140 might actually be the catalyst for somebody else. Service. Service is an incredible tool

00:08:51.400 to help other people and also to help yourself. So again, number one, pain has to be real. It has

00:08:57.500 to be great. And it has to be greater than the discomfort of change. And number two, we need to

00:09:01.860 confess to ourselves and we need to confess to others with discretion. That's very important.

00:09:08.020 Now, one thing you won't hear me talk about is street counting. I did that actually. I printed out

00:09:12.760 every 30 days. I got on Google, printed out a blank calendar for that month, and I would literally put

00:09:19.420 a red X on every day. I think that can work. I think that can be a great strategy, but it needs to

00:09:26.020 go deeper than that. So if you are going to street count, that's okay. That helped me. I don't do it

00:09:30.780 anymore, but I did it for the first three to four months. And again, if it helps you, great, but you

00:09:37.340 have to use it in conjunction with these other eight tips. So number three is accountability.

00:09:42.640 Now the street count is a form of accountability. It's not very, it's not a rich, deep, meaningful

00:09:49.320 level of accountability because it's self-accountability and you can easily lie, right?

00:09:53.480 You can put a check where you just had one sip or one shot or two beers. You can do that to yourself

00:10:00.720 and you likely will. You'll attempt to do that. But street counting is a good accountability tool

00:10:05.960 to yourself, but there's other ways of accountability. There's AA meetings. There's

00:10:10.840 other types of, of, of meetings through your church. There's online resources. There's also

00:10:16.520 other friends who, again, if you're confessing with discretion that you can connect with and you

00:10:21.240 can hold each other accountable. Maybe there's two of you, maybe there's three of you, maybe there's

00:10:24.860 five of you who have decided to put alcohol away. And you know, maybe you have a friend in your

00:10:29.400 corner who isn't an alcoholic, but enjoys drinking now and again. And you could ask that guy, Hey,

00:10:37.480 would you, would you hold me accountable? Will you help me? Will you not drink for the next three

00:10:42.760 months with me? And that person might be willing to do it if it means helping you get over your

00:10:50.340 addiction, but, ah, man, the more we can get accountability in our lives, more people that

00:10:56.880 again, are, are, are, that care about us. They're credible and that we can be accountable to the

00:11:02.340 easier this becomes because you know, Joe's going to check in on you and he's going to ask you,

00:11:07.980 he's going to know if you're telling the truth or lying. That is powerful. Number four, I talked about

00:11:13.440 this in a previous podcast where I talked about the concept of friction and flow flow, meaning that

00:11:19.800 we're creating, we're greasing the groove. We're making it easy to do the things that we want to

00:11:25.060 do. So for example, if we're trying to improve flow with alcoholism and we do because humans

00:11:30.900 get very good at the things they practice, then you're going to have booze everywhere. You're

00:11:36.440 going to know exactly where to go. You're going to have it very streamlined. You're going to become

00:11:40.320 efficient at drinking it. And for me hiding it, that's what you're going to do. But what we need to

00:11:45.280 do is we're trying to overcome an alcohol addiction is we need to create as much friction as

00:11:49.780 possible. So I would suggest to you that you go around the house and if you're married and your

00:11:54.920 wife drinks or has alcohol in the house, you need to have a very, very serious discussion with her 1.00

00:12:00.980 about the fact that you can't have alcohol in the house. And that's got to be a boundary

00:12:06.180 that you have to establish. You absolutely cannot have it in your house. And guys, I would love it

00:12:12.160 if you guys did a Facebook video or Instagram short or real where you're pouring your alcohol down the

00:12:19.220 drain. I would love to see that because that would be a powerful way to know that this message is

00:12:24.860 working and you're doing it. That's a form of accountability. But again, you're also serving

00:12:29.420 other people and you're helping them get sober as well. And that's what men do, right? We take our

00:12:35.700 own struggles, we overcome them, and then we help other people overcome their struggles. And that gives

00:12:41.640 us fuel to do the same thing. But part of the friction is get rid of it. Don't have it in your

00:12:47.220 house. If there's a normal bar that you visit, you just don't go to that bar, period. You just do not

00:12:53.920 step foot into that bar. Oh, but Ryan, that's where my friends go. And that's the bar I like.

00:12:57.380 And I like the ambiance and everything. Then the pain isn't real enough for you guys. And best of

00:13:03.780 luck to you. But if you're serious about sobriety, you will not go to that bar. If you're serious about

00:13:09.660 sobriety, you will not go to the convenience store where you typically buy alcohol or the liquor store.

00:13:15.380 It's a boundary. You're just not going to do it. If you're serious about it, that's what you'll do

00:13:23.160 is create as much friction as possible to get access to it. There's two great books that I

00:13:30.640 would recommend. Number one by James Clear is called Atomic Habits. And the other one is by Charles

00:13:36.740 Duhigg, which I believe is called The Power of Habit. Quote me on that one. It's been a long time. I read

00:13:42.860 that book, but it's been a long time. And in it, they talk about why we do certain things.

00:13:49.400 And typically we have, I believe the term they use is a cue, right? So a cue for drinking might be,

00:14:00.100 hey, it's punch out time. And on the way home, I'm going to run to the bar and I'm going to grab

00:14:03.240 a drink. That might be the cue. So you have the cue and then the cue triggers a response. So the cue

00:14:10.900 might be, hey, I want to go have fun with my friends. Like they're all going out after work

00:14:15.380 for a drink. And that's the cue. I want to have fun. And then I go to the bar. That's the response.

00:14:22.400 And then there's usually some sort of benefit from it, right? Social lubricant. Maybe you're more

00:14:27.880 lively. Maybe you don't feel as stressed out. There's something you're getting from being drunk.

00:14:33.480 There's something I was getting escapism for me. I didn't have to think about you guys. I didn't have

00:14:38.180 to think about the podcast. I didn't have to think about other challenging situations. And that

00:14:42.440 escapism was valuable. But if you know those, the trigger, the response, right? I think it's either

00:14:47.640 the trigger or the cue. Again, I'm slaughtering this a little bit, but the trigger, the response

00:14:51.920 and the reward, then you can replace the response. So if all your friends are like, hey, we're going

00:14:58.720 out and we're having drinks and we're going to have a great time. And that normally means go out and

00:15:03.540 have a drink. Why not invite the friends over? Hey, instead of going out for drinks, guys,

00:15:07.340 there's fight nights tonight. We're going to do a dry night, but why don't you come over?

00:15:11.080 I've got all the food, all the snacks, everything ready and come on over. Now you just replaced

00:15:16.920 the behavior that you didn't want to engage in. The cue was still the same. All your friends want

00:15:22.000 to have fun. The trigger was different, but the reward is also the same. Social lubricant,

00:15:27.200 having fun, connecting with people, developing and building relationships. So go look at those two

00:15:32.040 books, Atomic Habits and The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. And the first one is James Clear.

00:15:37.340 So friction. All right. Number five, guys, we have to fill the void. When I stopped drinking,

00:15:43.920 there was a void. Obviously I wasn't getting drunk. So I lost that. And I liked that. Otherwise I

00:15:51.040 wouldn't have engaged in the behavior because I knew it was destructive. I knew it was unhealthy.

00:15:54.100 So yeah. So I lost the drunk. But there was the behavior of actually drinking. And a lot of the

00:16:07.840 times what I would do is I would sit in my truck in my driveway and I would slam a half pint of

00:16:14.600 fireball. It's really hard to talk about it because it's kind of embarrassing and I'm ashamed of it,

00:16:20.840 which I think I should be. And in that time, you know, I would dink around on social media or check

00:16:27.440 emails or do whatever, or play a game on my phone. Like that, that was what I was doing. And so I had

00:16:32.780 to fill that void. And initially I filled it with energy drinks. I would drink a ton of energy drinks.

00:16:38.300 And then I start, I transferred over and started drinking sparkling water. So ton of sparkling water

00:16:44.900 throughout the day. And that's actually been a really good help. If that void is there, it's going to

00:16:49.220 be more tempting to do something else. So fill that void with something. Uh, there's also times where,

00:16:54.560 you know, I make a to-do list in the morning and I'm like, Hey, I don't even have time to go sit in

00:16:58.540 my truck. That's another thing. I don't sit in my truck anymore. I do not sit in my truck. If I'm

00:17:04.960 going for an errand, uh, I, I get my stuff. I need go run the errand, come back, get right out of the,

00:17:11.100 I don't, I don't hang out in the truck because that's where I was getting drunk. So I'm changing that.

00:17:16.260 So I don't get, I don't hang out there. I come back in, I do my work or I engage with my family

00:17:20.420 or whatever it might be. That's part of friction, but it's also filling the void with other activities.

00:17:25.160 Uh, over the past three ish months, I have hit the gym very, very heavily and locked in my nutrition.

00:17:31.880 One thing I've noticed about myself, and I think this is generally true of alcoholics

00:17:35.840 and those who are addicted to any other thing, uh, is that we are focused individuals. We become

00:17:43.820 obsessed and these obsessions and addictions start to take hold of us. And obviously that can manifest

00:17:53.760 itself in very unhealthy ways. So I've decided to take my attention and my focus and my obsessive

00:18:04.180 personality and really begin to focus that on something that's healthy for me, like the gym,

00:18:09.760 like nutrition. I literally track every meal. I go to the gym every day. When I'm not in the gym

00:18:16.680 throughout the day, I'm probably doing pushups or air squats, or even stretching while my family and I

00:18:22.180 are watching TV. It's become an obsession for me. Now we do have to be careful because even healthy

00:18:29.580 obsessions can quickly become unhealthy. And I'm going to talk about this a little bit here shortly,

00:18:36.120 but if you can fill the void with something healthy and focus your attention and your energy and your

00:18:43.060 obsession on something that's productive and healthy and good for you and the people you love,

00:18:48.240 obviously that's a significantly better outlet. All right. Number six, guys, at this point,

00:18:54.460 you realize what the pain is. You're either dealing with it or you fabricated it in your mind and

00:18:59.120 you've played out your life. If you stay on the current track, you've confessed to yourself and

00:19:03.180 those that you have discretion with about what's going on. You're building accountability into the

00:19:08.640 process, including street counting and AA meetings and other things. Uh, you're, you're putting

00:19:14.360 friction, putting friction in place to keep yourself from having access to alcohol. You're filling the void

00:19:20.240 with activities and behaviors and even drinks like sparkling water, for example, that help

00:19:28.100 stave off the, the alcohol abuse. But now we have to do deep work. Okay. Now we have a handle on it,

00:19:35.860 right? We've, we've got, we've got control of it to some degree. We've been doing this for a week

00:19:40.200 or two weeks or three weeks. We've, we're starting to get some control and some systems in place,

00:19:44.200 but that's not enough. It's just not enough there. You've got to do some deep work. You've got to

00:19:51.440 figure out why you turn to alcohol. What are you avoiding? What are you trying to run from?

00:19:59.500 What are you hiding from? What pain are you trying to numb? And this is hard. It's very hard

00:20:08.940 because who wants to face pain? Who wants to face their horrible, potentially abusive childhood?

00:20:17.780 That's not me. I don't, I don't want to say that that is me. That's, that's not the case for me,

00:20:21.740 but I know that's the case for a lot of men. You don't want to deal with that. Who wants to deal

00:20:27.720 with bad decisions they've made in the past that have ruined relationships or even made a mess of

00:20:34.160 their own life? Who wants to do that? Nobody. But if you really want to be sober, you've got to get to

00:20:41.380 the root of the behavior because even if you manage to stay sober, you're going to replace that void

00:20:47.500 with something that's just as, if not more so destructive than the alcohol abuse.

00:20:53.080 Guys, what is the problem here? Now you can see a therapist. I do see a therapist and I have other

00:21:00.440 friends in my life who are not therapists that I talk with about these issues. And one tool I've

00:21:04.540 talked a lot about is journaling, writing down why I feel the way I feel, where this stems from,

00:21:11.780 where this comes from, what was my childhood experience like? What, what, how do I view my

00:21:16.680 relationships? How do I deal with stress? How do I say no to things? So I'm not overwhelmed and

00:21:22.860 stressed. I know these are all triggers for me because I've done a lot of deep work on it.

00:21:26.780 One resource I would give you is Connor Beaton with man talks wrote a tremendous book. We had him

00:21:31.560 on the podcast about two or three weeks ago, and the book is called men's work. And in it,

00:21:36.920 he goes into the deep quote unquote shadow work that we as men need to engage in, in order to

00:21:42.840 figure out where our thoughts and our behaviors and our patterns come from. He talks a lot about

00:21:49.040 father wounds and it is very, very powerful. So I would definitely check that out, but you've got

00:21:54.960 to start doing some deep work. And in it, he has exercises about how to do that work. All right.

00:21:59.940 Number seven, we have to plan for relapse. We can't be caught off guard. Now, some people say,

00:22:05.960 well, right. Isn't this just planning for failure? I don't think so. I think it's planning for

00:22:10.860 contingencies. I think it's planning for uncertainty. I think it's planning for the enemy to tempt you

00:22:17.900 and, and, and work to get you to derail your plans. So no, I don't think you're planning for

00:22:23.560 failure. If you're planning on what would happen during a relapse, I think you're being smart. I

00:22:28.620 think you're being wise. I believe you're being prudent when you think about how you might be tempted.

00:22:33.460 And if you do fall into temptation, what in the world are you going to do about it?

00:22:37.400 Couple of things. Number one, you're not going to compound the problem and have this written down

00:22:42.480 if you need it. But number one, if you relapse, it's a one-time thing. You're, you're not going

00:22:47.380 to compound it by saying, Hey, you know, I had a drink, so I might as well have all the drinks now.

00:22:51.500 No, it's a one-time deal. It happened. And now, okay, that's it. Chalk it up to a learning

00:22:57.440 experience. And now you're going to get back on the path. Uh, that's one way that you can plan

00:23:03.140 for relapse and what you're going to do. Well, there's a lot of different things that you can

00:23:06.600 do. And I'm not going to tell you all of those things. Some of those things, I think you have

00:23:09.200 to figure out, but what in the world are you going to do in, if, and when this day comes that you end

00:23:14.820 up having another drink? First of all, I wouldn't consider you a failure. Now, did you fail? Yeah.

00:23:21.520 Technically, I think if you're trying to be sober, then you did, but let's not attach or wrap up our

00:23:26.540 identities and being a failure. Let's just attach it to being human. Hey, you know, I messed up.

00:23:31.880 This has been a big temptation. I've been drinking for 10 or 20 or 30 years. And so, yeah, you know,

00:23:37.700 two months into it, I decided to have another drink. Okay. What are you going to do now? Not going to

00:23:43.460 compound it. Maybe next time, think about what it was that triggered you. What was it that made you go

00:23:49.760 to have a drink? For me, it would probably be a temptation, you know, walking by the alcohol aisle

00:23:56.220 at the grocery store, or one of my buddies having a six pack and me wanting to have one or two with

00:24:01.680 him. I think you've got to be aware of these things and plan for what's going to happen when

00:24:06.040 you're tempted and what's going to happen when you relapse. Also having to point number three,

00:24:10.800 accountability partners in place is going to be important because when you're tempted,

00:24:15.320 what are you going to do for me? It's like, all right, I'm tempted to have a drink.

00:24:18.980 Go fill up on sparkling water. There's been times where I'm tempted to have a drink. And so,

00:24:24.740 I just go hang out with my family or tempted to have a drink. So, I'm going to go exercise.

00:24:31.060 I have a plan in place. I know what I'm going to do when I'm tempted. That has kept me out of trouble.

00:24:36.640 Number eight, this is the last point that I have, is that I think it's important that we celebrate

00:24:44.220 and attach our wins to healthy behavior. Celebrate and attach our wins to healthy behavior. When you

00:24:51.520 look at your life and your improvement in your life and some measurable improvement in my life

00:24:55.560 is the way I feel about myself. So, my confidence level is increasing. Also, obviously, I've been

00:25:01.080 into the gym because I've talked about that. And so, I've lost about 20-ish pounds, 25 pounds,

00:25:05.660 and I'm feeling lean and fit and strong. That's a win. The relationships with the people in my life

00:25:12.360 are improving. They're getting better. We're having deeper conversations. Those are wins.

00:25:18.020 And I'm excited about those things. I celebrate those things. I think it's important that we

00:25:23.600 realize, hey, I'm doing pretty good. I'm feeling more confident or I'm looking a little better.

00:25:27.180 I'm looking a little leaner and stronger. My relationships are improving. Why is that the

00:25:32.860 case? And this is a good journaling exercise because of the behaviors you're doing. So,

00:25:37.700 why do you look lean and strong and healthy? Because you've been going to the gym for the past 90 days.

00:25:41.820 And that is a direct correlation to you doing healthy behavior, like going to the gym.

00:25:49.400 Why do you feel more confident and secure about who you are? That is a manifestation of you doing deep

00:25:55.780 work, journaling, and really trying to get to the root of the problem. See, the better we can attach it

00:26:00.640 to healthy behavior, the more likely we are to engage in that behavior. But let's not just assume

00:26:07.660 that, hey, I feel better because I stopped drinking. It's not enough. And that's not even

00:26:11.920 the answer. You don't feel better because you stopped drinking. You feel better because you've

00:26:16.440 replaced it with other meaningful and significant work. And it's important that we identify what that

00:26:21.960 work is because now we can focus on the process which will inevitably lead to sobriety. I think

00:26:30.520 that's the best place to start. Not, hey, I want to be sober. Now look, many of us do. And we only

00:26:37.480 need to know that so that we can get to a system and a process in place to improve that, right?

00:26:41.640 So, the way to focus and where to focus is on the activity and on the behavior. And of course,

00:26:49.560 the thoughts that go behind that activity. So, that's what I've got for you guys. I know this

00:26:54.880 is a hard road. I know that a lot of you struggle. I know that you've tried to get sober for potentially

00:26:59.420 years and years and you've done it a dozen times and it hasn't worked. I hope I gave you something.

00:27:04.140 Maybe there's just a little tidbit of information or maybe the whole process is what you need.

00:27:08.540 But whatever it is, I want you to get sober. I know you want to get sober. I know you want to

00:27:13.480 lead your families well. I know you want to succeed in business. I know you want to be strong

00:27:17.560 and healthy. I know you want to be a better man. You would not be listening to this if this wasn't

00:27:21.140 the case. And I have slipped and I have fallen and I'm trying to stand back up and I'm trying to

00:27:26.920 lead myself. I'm trying to lead my family and I'm trying to lead with you guys as well. And I cannot

00:27:31.140 do that if I'm drunk. I can only do that if I'm sober and level-headed and straightforward

00:27:36.540 on my mission to be sober. So again, as a recap, number one, pain has to be so great,

00:27:43.960 greater than the discomfort of change. That can be real pain. Hopefully it isn't, but a lot of us

00:27:49.360 are dealing with the consequences and the fallout of our decisions, or it can be manufactured. You

00:27:53.620 can think about what your life looks like should you continue the behavior. Number two, confess to

00:27:59.140 yourself and also with discretion to people in your life. Number three, have accountability systems in

00:28:07.240 place. Number four, create friction as to your access to alcohol. Number five, fill the void with

00:28:14.700 something else. It's a vacuum now. Alcohol is not in there. Being drunk is not in there. Being passed

00:28:20.680 out and hung over is not in there. So what does that time get filled with? Be intentional about that.

00:28:25.860 Otherwise it's going to be filled with unhealthy activities, potentially even alcoholism.

00:28:30.120 Number six, deep work. I talked about Connor Beaton and his book, Men's Work. Listen to the

00:28:35.320 podcast at a minimum, and then pick up a copy of his book. Do the deep work, journaling exercises,

00:28:40.500 that sort of thing. Number seven, plan for a relapse. Number one, don't compound the problem.

00:28:46.320 And number two, have a plan of attack should you relapse to keep you from relapsing and what you're

00:28:51.660 going to do once. And if you relapse. Number eight, celebrate and attach wins to healthy behaviors.

00:28:57.680 The last one I'll give you guys that has been really helpful for me as a bonus. And I would

00:29:01.500 suggest that maybe this is the first one is find out who you truly are and who you truly are is a son

00:29:08.180 of God. You are a divine being. There is inherent worth in you and you have a purpose. You have a

00:29:15.120 mission. You have a reason for existing. And once you find out what that reason and that purpose and

00:29:21.380 that meaning is behind existing, then I think you'll be able to see that alcohol isn't in the cards for

00:29:28.460 you. Alcohol isn't in the cards for me. I cannot fulfill my mission if I'm drunk, hungover, and passed

00:29:35.660 out the majority of every day. I have a mission. I know who I am. I'm a son of God, and I know I have

00:29:43.960 a reason for being here. And it's my job to fulfill it. All right, guys. I hope that helps you. Let me

00:29:49.800 know. Leave a comment wherever you might be listening. If you're watching on YouTube. Remember,

00:29:54.600 I asked before. I only have one ask today. I could ask about the store and the books and I don't.

00:29:59.780 The only ask I have today is that you take this and you share it. Right now, just hit the little

00:30:04.920 share button. Wherever you're listening to this podcast, shoot a text to your buddies. Shoot a text to

00:30:10.060 your dad or your brother or a coworker. Put it up on Instagram. Hey, I listened to this. It's

00:30:15.720 hell of me. Get sober. We need millions and millions of men to put the booze down, put the 0.99

00:30:20.800 alcohol away, get cleaned, get straight, and get. All right, guys. We'll be back next week. Until

00:30:27.660 then, go out there, take action, get sober, and become the man you are meant to be.

00:30:32.400 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life

00:30:36.960 and be more of the man you are meant to be. We invite you to join the Order at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - February 17, 2023

This is How I Got Sober ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

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