Order of Man - This One is For the Fathers

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart

00:00:04.980 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.

00:00:10.420 You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.220 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.820 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what's going on? My name is Brian

00:00:26.820 Mickler, and I am the host and founder of this podcast and the Order of Man movement.

00:00:31.120 Thank you for being here. It's evident to me that this message of reclaiming and restoring

00:00:35.260 masculinity is needed now. I don't know if it's more than ever, but there's certainly

00:00:41.880 a need, a strong need in society for what it is we're doing. I mean, we've faced some

00:00:47.900 challenges and some hardships in society. I think about the greatest generation. I think

00:00:51.700 about World War II. I think about times before that. I would say, relatively speaking, we

00:00:58.240 live in some pretty comfortable times, although there seems to be a lot of doubt and uncertainty

00:01:03.120 and confusion and violence and frustration. But I know that we live in better times than

00:01:10.940 we used to. But that said, in the midst of the violence and the chaos and the disorder

00:01:16.540 and the confusion and frustration and animosity and everything that seems to be so prevalent

00:01:22.140 these days, it is painfully obvious to me that our ability to step up as men is so critical.

00:01:32.080 So critical within the walls of our home, within the communities that we represent, within the

00:01:37.680 businesses that we're running and that we're part of. And it's my job to give you everything

00:01:41.700 that you need. Tools, resources, frameworks, this conversation, interviews that we do with

00:01:48.140 other incredible men. That's my job is to give you those tools and resources. And it's my hope that

00:01:55.040 we give you things that will serve you and that will add value to your life. And not only your life,

00:02:01.460 but the lives of the people that you have a responsibility and obligation for. And as a man,

00:02:06.800 that is at the underlying foundation, the root of what it means to be a man, to be in service of

00:02:13.740 other people, to produce more than you consume. And today's podcast and the things I wanted to talk

00:02:19.080 with you about specifically are for the fathers out there, because I can't think of a more noble

00:02:25.700 calling than that of father. It's difficult. It's frustrating. It's painful. It's a rollercoaster

00:02:35.080 ride of emotions and thoughts and ideas and perspectives, but all of that burden of

00:02:42.020 responsibility. And it's a burden because it's heavy. I'm going to talk with you a little bit

00:02:45.440 about that. All of that burden is worth bearing as a father. I became a father a little over 12 years

00:02:54.760 ago. I've got four kids, three boys and a little girl. And I go to bed every night thinking I didn't do

00:03:02.440 what I needed to do today. As far as being a father, I got in lead as effectively as I could

00:03:07.660 have been, or I should have been. And I didn't give them as much attention as I could have. And I

00:03:10.940 didn't do a good enough job raising them into the fine young men and woman that they're going to become.

00:03:20.900 So, you know, I have a lot of sleepless nights because I'm a father. If you guys are fathers and

00:03:28.300 those of you who are listening or are, or have a desire to be you, you, you know what I'm saying?

00:03:32.700 You get it. You understand, but all of that pain and discomfort and growth that comes with it

00:03:39.300 is worth it. Because when you look in your child's eyes and you see their growth and their progress

00:03:46.640 and their curiosity and them learning new things and them becoming self-sufficient, that's very

00:03:51.140 satisfying. It's very rewarding because you had a part to play in that. So what I thought I'd do today

00:03:57.880 in, in, in light of it being father's day this weekend is to just honor you. That's it. Just

00:04:06.860 to honor you as a father. There's a funny trend that I've seen over the past couple of years where

00:04:12.380 people will honor single mothers who play the role of father. And while I can appreciate the

00:04:19.920 perspective, I can appreciate that because that's hard work. You know, it's hard, it's hard work as a

00:04:25.100 father, but I can't even imagine the amount of work that it would be required to not only be the

00:04:29.960 mother, but, but play that fatherly role as well. So I can appreciate the sentiment, but this, this

00:04:35.300 day's for you as a father, not a mother playing the role, but as a father. And I want to honor you.

00:04:42.780 I want to honor you for the good work you do. Uh, I want to honor you for the silent victories

00:04:47.800 and they are silent, right? You're not going to get the praise or notoriety or accolades that you

00:04:54.200 maybe normally would. If you were to post something on Facebook, it's you reading to your kids at night

00:05:00.080 and nobody's going to see that. You know, it's you praying with them and teaching them about the

00:05:06.340 relationship with God. It's you coaching, uh, their, their baseball teams and their soccer teams and

00:05:13.200 going to their dance recitals and playing dolls and dress up and having tea parties and playing games

00:05:19.940 and doing all of these things that, you know, people aren't going to see. They aren't going to

00:05:24.940 see that. And so it might be tempting for you to think that that is irrelevant, that the work you're

00:05:31.980 doing is not as impactful as it, as it, as it could be or otherwise should be. But I would suggest to

00:05:37.280 you that the silent work you do, the work that nobody sees is more advantageous and more valuable

00:05:44.820 to, well, to society at large, but forget about society to your children.

00:05:52.880 That's how we impact culture, by the way. That's how we impact society

00:05:56.880 is we change the life of one individual. And you can do that by being the type of father

00:06:03.420 that I know a lot of you guys are stepping into. You're engaged. You're offering guidance and

00:06:11.340 discipline and structure and love and kindness and perspective that can't be received anywhere else.

00:06:22.940 I unfortunately grew up without a permanent father figure in my home.

00:06:28.200 My dad primarily was out of the picture by the time I was three, always had a decent relationship with

00:06:32.500 him. Got to go visit him in the summers between school years. I wish we had, would have had more

00:06:37.720 time. Unfortunately, we don't. He's passed away a couple of years ago. I had a couple of other

00:06:42.060 stepfathers come into my life who were, there was glimpses in all fairness. There was glimpses.

00:06:48.200 There was moments of, of them stepping up the way that I perceive now what it means to be a good

00:06:53.420 father. But generally I don't think these guys were great examples of what it meant to be a husband,

00:06:58.160 a father, a man in general. And so I never got that. You know, I got that through some coaching,

00:07:05.660 through some mentors, through the military, which are all great by the way, but they're inferior to

00:07:11.380 what a father brings. A permanent father figure in the home, present, engaged, tucking his kids in,

00:07:18.960 wrestling with them, watching shows with them, answering their weird inquiries about everything from

00:07:25.180 the opposite sex to sex in general, to drugs and all these kinds of weird conversations that frankly

00:07:32.860 aren't real comfortable. I had to talk to my son just the other day about what a blowjob means.

00:07:41.300 And although these types of conversations are not fun, it's a very awkward conversation to have with

00:07:48.300 your son. I would rather him come to me and talk with me about that than him learning from his buddies.

00:07:55.180 And this is just a small example of the role and the discomfort that comes with being a father.

00:08:04.200 But it's crucial. The work you do behind closed doors, the work that nobody will ever see except

00:08:13.640 for your son or your daughter and potentially your wife is the most important work that you can do in

00:08:21.480 society. That's not some, some just fluffy words. That's not hyperbole. The work you're doing as

00:08:32.080 fathers is the most important work in society today. And I see these individuals who are angry and bitter

00:08:44.700 and contentious and contentious and rebellious and afraid and confused. And I'd be willing to bet the

00:08:55.280 majority of these individuals either didn't have a father figure in the home or had a weak, pathetic,

00:09:03.360 non-responsive father in the home. And it's creating problems. It's creating real problems in society.

00:09:11.360 I, I, as I was preparing for this conversation, I'm going to pull these statistics up.

00:09:17.240 Oh, it looks like I deleted him. But as I was preparing for this, this conversation,

00:09:23.720 I pulled up some statistics about fatherhood and I'm going to pull these up. I thought I had them up,

00:09:29.020 but apparently I deleted those or I closed the windows down. Let me just look real quick. Cause

00:09:34.680 these are very important figures here. I wish I had these ready here for you guys. Bear with me.

00:09:44.400 Regardless, I want you to know how important it is. Your work as a father. So check this out.

00:09:51.800 So when it comes to fatherless homes, for example, there's a four times greater risk of poverty.

00:10:00.540 Children are more likely to behave or have behavioral problems.

00:10:08.680 Incarceration. They're more likely to go to prison. They're more likely to commit crime.

00:10:12.420 They're more likely to become pregnant as a teenager. They're more likely to face abuse and

00:10:16.680 neglect. They're more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol two times, two times more likely to suffer

00:10:21.980 obesity, two times more likely to drop out of high school. If you look at any metric, any possible metric,

00:10:30.540 that you want your children to thrive in school, substance abuse, uh, unwanted pregnancy,

00:10:40.680 having a father in the home is clearly, clearly an indicator of how important your work as a father

00:10:50.080 is. So guys, I know what's discouraging at times. Uh, I know you're not getting the, the honor,

00:10:56.280 the notoriety, the praise that maybe you deserve, but that's not why we do it anyways. We do it

00:11:01.940 because, uh, we feel compelled and called and there's rich blessings that come from leading your

00:11:08.300 children. Well, the, the best memories I have in my life, and I'm 39 years old and I've only been a

00:11:15.500 father for 12 years. The best blessings in my life have come as a direct result of leading my children.

00:11:27.460 That's it. Now, the thing that we need to understand and realize too, with fatherhood is

00:11:32.180 that it's a sacrifice. And you guys know that those of you who are dads, you know that you've

00:11:35.700 had to sacrifice relationships. You've had to sacrifice your own time, maybe even career,

00:11:40.880 uh, pursuits and aspirations. That's a, that's a worthy sacrifice. In fact, I would argue it's

00:11:47.200 not even a sacrifice at all because what you get in return is so much greater than what you had to

00:11:51.220 give up. And by definition, that's no longer a sacrifice, man. I don't, I, I don't know like

00:12:00.700 what else to say other than I just, I want to honor you. Like your role in society, you, what,

00:12:06.340 what you do, how you add value, how important your work is as a dad is crucial. It's crucial.

00:12:14.780 So maybe what I can do over the next couple of minutes, and then we'll wrap things up

00:12:17.800 because again, this is just about telling you that you're doing a great job. It may not always feel

00:12:23.220 like it. You may feel like you're floundering and kicking around and running around with like a

00:12:28.200 chicken with his head cut off. And you don't know what you're doing. I don't know what I'm doing.

00:12:31.600 Nobody knows what they're doing. That's the great secret. Nobody knows.

00:12:34.780 You might look at me or somebody else and think, oh, that guy's got it figured out. Yeah. Maybe we

00:12:40.180 have some things figured out, but ultimately inside we're running around like chickens with

00:12:43.880 their heads cut off too. We don't know what we're doing. We're trying to do the best that we can.

00:12:48.680 And that's what you've got to do. That's what you've got to do is the best you can. And I,

00:12:53.520 and I know that you are, I know if you're listening to this podcast and you're engaged in trying to

00:12:58.140 improve yourself and listen to these messages that we share and, and, and the words that we hear from

00:13:02.480 other incredible individuals that you have aspirations to do more, to be more, to step up

00:13:08.120 more fully. But, but what I could do is maybe share some insights with you as far as some practices

00:13:13.800 that have worked well for me. I'm not, I'm not the best. I'm really not. I've got plenty of room

00:13:21.120 for improvement. I'm impatient. I lose my temper at times. I disengage at times. All the things you do

00:13:28.900 guys, I do not, not above that, but there are things that I recognize things that I acknowledge

00:13:35.680 and things that I'm trying to improve upon. But I think at its fundamental level, what you need to

00:13:41.220 understand and realize, and then base all of your decisions and actions on is that your job,

00:13:47.580 and it is a job guys. It's a job. It's a title. It's an honor. It's a calling, a blessing. I don't

00:13:53.720 know what you, whatever you want to call it, but what you need to understand is that there's work

00:13:56.720 that needs to be done. And it's not always roses and fairy tales and sunshine. In fact, a lot of the

00:14:02.000 times it isn't, it's those glimpses of the rainbow and the sunshine that, that make all of the, the cloudy

00:14:07.480 days worth it. Right. But, um, what you need to understand at this most foundational fundamental

00:14:15.860 level is that it's your job to render yourself obsolete. It's your job to put yourself out of

00:14:20.620 work because you're not raising children. That's what a lot of people say. I'm raising my kids.

00:14:26.700 You're not raising kids. You're raising future adults. Now you might say, oh, it's just semantics.

00:14:31.540 And maybe it is, but maybe it's not. Maybe if you approached it from, Hey, I'm not raising children

00:14:37.600 to I'm raising future adults, self-sustaining, self-sufficient, contributing members of society,

00:14:44.300 then maybe you would change the way that you approach your work as a father.

00:14:48.900 Maybe you'd be a little bit more intentional, a little bit more thoughtful, a little bit more

00:14:52.840 patient, a little bit more considerate about the things that you're doing as a father.

00:14:58.520 Because a lot of the times we're just reactionary, right? We're tired. We're frustrated. We're angry.

00:15:02.660 We have a lack of patience. All of these things that I've talked about as being a natural man,

00:15:07.020 those creep into our work as a father. But if you keep your eye on the prize that one day,

00:15:12.360 my children will go out into the great wide world and hopefully they won't need me anymore.

00:15:19.020 That's the goal. They won't need me. They'll want me because I want to be involved with my adult

00:15:23.960 children. When that time comes, I want to, I want to be familiar with them. I want to know their

00:15:29.000 children, my grandchildren. I want to be involved in their lives forever, but I don't want to be needed.

00:15:37.480 I don't want them to have to come crawling back to me and mom because they couldn't handle life.

00:15:46.000 And if that's the case, I've got a question whether or not I did my job as a father,

00:15:50.720 right? Because if they come crawling back with their tail tucked between their legs,

00:15:56.780 because they can't handle what the world offers, then maybe I didn't introduce them

00:16:00.780 to enough of the real world. And, or I didn't fully equip them with the tools, resources,

00:16:06.420 and mindset they needed to be able to thrive in a hostile environment. And that's on me.

00:16:13.260 And if we approach our roles and responsibilities as a father from the perspective of rendering

00:16:18.320 ourselves obsolete, which by the way, is not a comfortable thought.

00:16:22.080 When I go to bed every night, my routine in the evening is I shut down the house,

00:16:30.600 make sure the windows are closed, make sure the doors are locked. And then I go around to each

00:16:34.680 of my four children and I make sure they're in bed and I make sure they're tucked in and I make

00:16:37.980 sure they're comfortable and they're secure. We've got, we put the dogs away. Like I lock everything

00:16:42.400 down. And every night I go to bed wondering if I did enough for them. Did I do enough today?

00:16:53.300 Did, did they feel loved? Did they feel appreciated? Did they feel encouraged? Were they pushed beyond

00:17:01.940 their comfort zones? Did they learn something that would apply to their lives as they get older?

00:17:08.940 These are questions that are constantly going through my mind. And those are good questions.

00:17:12.980 They're painful at times because I'm like, man, I'm just putting myself out of work here. I like,

00:17:16.920 I just want to be with these kids forever, but we know that's not our job. And anything less than

00:17:22.460 giving them what they need to be self-sufficient human beings, adults is selfish. It is, it's selfish.

00:17:29.460 If you're not having the kind of conversations that are uncomfortable, like I talked about earlier

00:17:33.440 with sex and blowjobs and all these other drugs, my kids have talked to me about politics and drugs

00:17:38.060 and all these other things. And I don't want to have any of those conversations because it's not

00:17:44.140 about them. It's about me. They're uncomfortable for me, let alone for them hearing about this stuff

00:17:48.980 from their dad. That's weird. It was weird for you when you heard it from your parents, right?

00:17:55.860 But we need to have these conversations and we need to do this work and it's good. It's valuable.

00:18:00.460 It's important. And we can't, we can't not have the conversations in order to spare our own feelings

00:18:07.940 of embarrassment or uncomfort discomfort. Like we need to have these conversations and you guys are

00:18:17.080 doing it. You guys are doing it. So again, I didn't have any notes prepared. I didn't have any

00:18:23.280 thoughts really prepared outside of those statistics that I didn't even have those prepared because I

00:18:27.140 closed the window, but I just wanted to honor you. And I just wanted to tell you how much I respect

00:18:32.380 a man who is engaged and committed. You know, there's a lot of guys I admire and respect.

00:18:38.380 There's a lot of people I've had on this podcast who are thriving on the entrepreneurial front,

00:18:42.980 uh, who are making lots of money, who are impacting lots of people who are, who are thriving,

00:18:49.680 uh, in politics and athletics. And I don't want to discount any of that. All of that is wonderful,

00:18:56.820 but you know, there's just a part of me that is reserved and my level of admiration and respect

00:19:03.580 for a man who really gets it done at home. You know, like just gets it done at home.

00:19:12.480 It's there, is present, is available. Maybe he doesn't have the social media account.

00:19:18.940 Maybe he doesn't have the bank account. You know, maybe he's not in the best physical condition.

00:19:23.940 By the way, those are all things you should strive to improve. Okay. I'm not saying that

00:19:29.100 they need to come at the expense of that, but if, if he's killing at home, I'm like, man,

00:19:33.920 there's something, something special about that guy. So I want you to be proud of the work that

00:19:40.140 you're doing. You know, you're going to get a tie. You're going to get an ugly tie this weekend,

00:19:43.860 probably going to get some homemade arts and crafts. Uh, and all that stuff's good because

00:19:50.480 of what it represents. But I just want you to take some pride in who you are and how you show up

00:19:55.860 and your contribution, not only to your children, your sons and daughters, but to society at large.

00:20:02.060 So keep up the good work, gents. Um, let's keep these conversations going. I mean, this work is so,

00:20:07.820 so crucial. And, and I hear from a lot of people who say things like, I want to change the world.

00:20:13.080 I want to make a dent in the universe. I really want to have an impact. And all of that's noble.

00:20:17.180 I don't think there's anything wrong with that because I fall into that. You know, I not even

00:20:20.720 fall into it. I want, I have those aspirations, but it starts with first you, then it applies to

00:20:26.640 your immediate family. So your wife and your children, if you can focus on you and can really

00:20:31.760 dial in who you are as a man, and you can dial in your efforts and your work as a father and a

00:20:35.940 husband, that other stuff will come into play and you can expand and broaden your perspective from

00:20:40.500 there. But it all starts in the household, in the family, with your children, with your wife.

00:20:47.800 And this weekend, father's day is about you and acknowledging that. So gentlemen, keep up the

00:20:55.000 great work. And by the way, let me say this too. If you're a father whose children aren't in your home

00:21:00.700 because of a divorce, a separation, some sort of circumstance like that, there's still work that

00:21:07.360 you can do. All right. There's still work that you can do. You can still be a great father.

00:21:11.920 I've got close friends, Sean Whalen, for example, he's a friend of mine. He's a mentor.

00:21:17.900 He doesn't live with his kids full-time and yet he's a great father. He's somebody who is actively

00:21:24.400 engaged and meaningful and purposeful with his children. You can be that. So take heart and

00:21:34.880 knowing that even if you're not a permanent fixture in their life, you're not at home with them,

00:21:39.880 that there's things that you can do and there's ways that you can be involved and they need that

00:21:45.720 from you and you need that from them. It's a reciprocal relationship. So guys, again, I'll end by

00:21:52.040 just saying again, that I honor you, that I respect you, that I admire you and your courage and your

00:21:57.300 sacrifice and dedication to your children. I hope you have a great weekend with your kids, hopefully,

00:22:04.620 and that you honor them and you cherish them and you love them and you respect them and you lead them

00:22:09.880 the way they need to be led so that they can go out and raise their own families as mothers and

00:22:16.780 fathers and husbands and wives and the way that they're going to step up in their lives. So

00:22:21.700 have a great weekend guys. Man, just keep up the great work. You honor and inspire me

00:22:26.580 by showing up and man, I couldn't be more proud of the work you're doing.

00:22:33.540 You know, I throttle a lot back in the business because my family is more important than any

00:22:38.020 business venture I ever have. So I'm not just paying this lip service. This is crucial,

00:22:46.080 crucial work and you are leading the charge. So keep up the good work. Guys, go out there,

00:22:50.840 take action and become the father of the man that you are meant to be.

00:22:55.720 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. If you're ready to take charge of your life

00:23:01.280 and be more of the man you were meant to be, we invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

00:23:06.820 you

Order of Man - June 19, 2020

This One is For the Fathers ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

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