In this episode, I discuss toxic masculinity and why it s important to talk about it. I discuss the American Psychological Association's 2019 study that argues that masculinity is inherently toxic and dangerous to our young boys. I also discuss why toxic masculinity is a problem and how we can combat it.
00:01:40.960There was a study done, study, I'm using that term loosely, by the American Psychological Association in 2019 that says that masculinity or, more specifically, the characteristics generally associated with masculinity, dominance, competitiveness, aggression, and stoicism, are inherently toxic and dangerous to our young boys.
00:02:04.460So you can't tell me that nobody believes that masculinity in and of itself is inherently toxic.
00:02:11.580We see this permeated throughout all of society.
00:02:18.780We have the man versus the bear memes.
00:02:21.320We have the men would rather do blank than go to therapy and down with the patriarchy.
00:02:27.240These are all terms that we've heard that advocate for masculinity being inherently wrong with what's going on in society today.
00:02:36.520And that is the furthest thing from the truth.
00:02:39.380You know, it's really easy to complain about masculinity when you're the beneficiary of what men have produced for you.
00:02:45.400Comfort, safety, security, guidance, direction, infrastructure, governments, nations, abundance, innovation, prosperity, economic systems that have lifted more people out of poverty and solved more problems and explored more of not only the planet, but the space even.
00:03:24.460And just because a man succeeds doesn't mean that a woman was pushed down.
00:03:28.500And just because a woman succeeds doesn't mean that a man was pushed down.
00:03:31.840It means that we complement each other and we have opportunities to serve each other in effective ways.
00:03:36.660So today, what I thought I would do is specifically address why it's important we talk about toxic masculinity briefly.
00:03:45.780I'm not going to drone on and on about this, but I am going to talk about it because so many people seem to be embracing and accepting the idea that masculinity is, in fact, inherently toxic.
00:03:55.260And what I'm going to do today is I'm going to cover four key characteristics that the American Psychological Association in 2019 with their study, I'm using quotations if you're not watching video, that their study said were inherently toxic.
00:04:10.340Dominance, aggression, stoicism, and competitiveness.
00:04:13.720And I'm going to prove to you why those are not inherently toxic.
00:04:16.920And I think it's important that we realize this because in a culture that tends to generally demonize men, it's really incumbent upon us as men to combat that notion.
00:04:31.180If we show up the way that these people are telling us we show up, then we're just exacerbating the problems and we're playing into the narrative.
00:04:41.480But if you can use the characteristics, the God-given characteristics of competition, dominance, aggression, stoicism, and I would even add maybe risk-taking in there, but you can use those in a righteous and effective way, I think the people around you and generally more people in the world would see that men aren't the enemy.
00:05:02.940And I'm going to – I didn't really write this down, but I'm going to – as I was riffing there, risk-taking was a topic that I thought we would address as well.
00:05:14.880All right, so let's talk about the first one.
00:05:32.820It says here that the APA – I'll just use that abbreviation moving forward – says that new guidelines for psychological practice with boys and men.
00:05:41.540This was a study they did and came up with guidelines.
00:05:45.300So now the medical community is involved in the idea of toxic masculinity.
00:05:50.740And it says here, strive to recognize and address these problems in boys and men while remaining sensitive to the field's androcentric past.
00:06:01.60013 years in the making, they draw on more than 40 years of research showing that traditional masculinity – let me say that again.
00:06:10.060Traditional masculinity is psychologically harmful and that socializing boys to suppress their emotions causes damage that echoes both inwardly and outwardly.
00:06:23.360You can no longer make the claim that there's nobody out there who believes that masculinity is not inherently toxic.
00:06:30.940Research showing that traditional masculinity is psychologically harmful and that socializing boys to suppress their emotions, which does happen, but I'm going to give you a different explanation, causes damage that echoes both inwardly and outwardly.
00:06:49.700This is coming, again, from the American Psychological Association.
00:06:53.020I'm also going to read another paragraph, and this comes from – oh, this is from – well, this is from 2019, and this is from Stephanie Pappas.
00:07:01.980It kind of makes sense that it's a woman, and no offense to women necessarily, but it makes sense that a woman is trying to explain how men behave and how they perform when she's probably the recipient and beneficiary of what men have done.
00:07:16.140And again, I – you know, there's mansplaining.
00:07:19.080I guess woman-splaining would be something that we ought to consider as well.
00:07:25.180The main thrust of the subsequent research is that traditional masculinity marked by stoicism, competitiveness, dominance, and aggression is, on the whole, harmful.
00:07:43.480Men socialized in this way, men socialized in this way are less likely to engage in healthy behaviors.
00:07:56.260The main thrust of the subsequent research is that traditional masculinity marked by stoicism, competitiveness, dominance, and aggression is, on the whole, harmful.
00:08:05.580Men socialized in this way, men socialized in this way are less likely to engage in healthy behaviors.
00:08:14.120So let's break down each one of those and tear this argument apart.
00:08:18.500And I can do this in 15 minutes, and it took 40 years of research for the American Psychological Association to do it.
00:08:35.420Guys, you have the ability to be dominant in life without being a dick.
00:08:41.220And I'm going to give you the counter argument to each of these because I think it's imperative that we as men display what actual masculinity looks like
00:08:49.300and how we can serve our families, our communities, our businesses, every people that we interact with.
00:08:56.860You can be dominant without being a dick.
00:08:58.800Domination just means that you're the best of the best, that when you step into the arena, whether it's an actual sports arena or the business field or church service or whatever it may be that you're interested in, that you come with the attitude of dominating.
00:09:16.980Now, being a dick means that you're going to push other people down.
00:09:20.000You're going to lie, cheat, and steal to get ahead.
00:09:54.780If I'm going to be a father, I want to be the best father possible.
00:09:59.420If I'm going to be a business owner and doing podcasts, I want to do the best podcast possible.
00:10:07.000And it's that mentality of dominance, of being the best, of proving to myself and other people that I have what it takes that drives me to innovate, to take risks, to try new things that have never been tried before.
00:10:21.580And to ultimately go on to create something that has never been created in the humanity of man.
00:12:00.100Don't do everything that you can because heaven forbid somebody else is offended or put out because you worked your tail off and got to the place that you're meant to be.
00:12:09.540I have a friend of mine, and he's very tall.
00:12:28.820And I remember this friend, he would always bring his son's birth certificate to games because it would always be challenged.
00:12:35.480And he would go out and he never hindered his son.
00:12:38.160He never told his son to not dominate people who were 5'2", 5'3", 5'4", the same age group as he, because why would you tell a kid to play less than he's capable of?
00:12:50.500And why would you encourage a man to do less than what he can?
00:13:04.140But whatever your definition is, you better go out there with a design to dominate, to be the best, to absolutely crush the competition, and to win.
00:13:18.740We want to do it righteously and morally.
00:13:20.520And when people see that they can follow us, that we are leaders, that we are worthy of them going on the path with us, we turn the conversation from one of toxic masculinity to one of healthy masculinity.
00:13:35.340That a man's desire to dominate is not toxic.
00:13:38.380It's actually a very healthy thing, and people will see that.
00:14:42.940Now, if I run around and I'm pushing people around and I'm bullying people and I'm not following the rules of engagement and I'm treating people like garbage and I'm pushing up on other people instead of lifting them up.
00:14:57.560But can't you be just as aggressive in lifting others up?
00:15:00.840Can't you be just as aggressive in praising and honoring the people in your life who are helping you accomplish goals and who are doing big things?
00:15:11.280Can't you be aggressive in pursuing righteous and noble endeavors, starting businesses?
00:15:16.140Man, even walking down the road, if you see a woman getting assaulted by somebody and you run up there and you use your level of aggression to subdue somebody who would maybe accost or rape a woman?
00:15:29.680Are you telling me that aggression is inherently toxic?
00:15:54.920They're henpecked by their wives because, heaven forbid, you show any level of masculinity and you decide to deliberately and intentionally, methodically pursue a goal and ambition and desire that you have.
00:16:25.980I want you guys to listen to this podcast to support what we're doing.
00:16:30.260I want you to believe in this mission.
00:16:32.100I want people to buy our products to be excited that they buy our products and to wear it proudly around their communities.
00:16:40.500I'm enlisting, aggressively enlisting other men to follow the path that leads to righteousness and leads to results, not just for themselves, but to other people.
00:16:52.240When you see somebody doing something wrong, you better aggressively stand up against that bullshit.
00:16:57.860When you see somebody doing something to somebody else that they shouldn't be doing, you should be capable and willing of being aggressive in your response to subdue a threat and make the world a better place.
00:17:52.140Whether you want to get strong, lose weight, start a business, get out of debt, build a relationship, rekindle a relationship, repair damage relationships.
00:18:03.480So you need to be aggressive in your actions, but patience in the results.
00:18:07.220So if you can be righteous in your aggression and refined, that's the term I use, meaning that you're using discernment and you're doing it correctly, people are going to see that.
00:20:01.320But generally, I'm not acting that way.
00:20:05.140You know, my daughter, the other day, we went on a hike.
00:20:08.140And she was coming down and her shoes were a little too small for her and she was starting to get some blisters and I could tell and she was struggling.
00:20:14.660I didn't say shut your mouth and just deal with it.
00:20:31.060I know you got those blisters going, but we got to find a way to bear down because the only way off this mountain is down and you got to walk it because I'm not going to carry you.
00:21:07.260Being a stoic is learning to understand your emotions so you can begin to regulate them.
00:21:14.620Because the last thing I want is my emotion to dictate my response.
00:21:21.320So if I'm angry, the first thing I want to do, the lowest common denominator, the easiest thing to do is to punch a wall or to yell at somebody or lose my shit or to break down.
00:21:35.700Instead, what I suggest is sit with the anger or sit with the frustration or the contention or the jealousy or the greed or the envy or the sorrow or the sadness and just sit with it before you start deciding to respond to it.
00:21:50.960And then once you sit with it for a while, you know what happens?
00:22:37.000And then she let the temperature lower.
00:22:39.320And then you go have a real conversation with the woman that you love, the woman you committed to, and the woman who said she's committed to you.
00:22:45.540So Stoicism is about understanding your emotions and then making appropriate responses based on what partially your emotion is telling you and the feedback that it's giving you.
00:23:59.960This competition by design is operating on a level playing field to test where our capabilities are.
00:24:07.800We believe in competition culturally so much so that when people want to compete, they will bring in a third party to learn the rules of engagement and then administer discipline if one of those rules are broken.
00:24:24.200A football team is not really at odds with another football team.
00:24:30.460They're actually cooperating because they're following the same set of rules and they bring in a third party to say, hey, if we break the rules, here's the penalty.
00:24:40.220If they break the rules, here's the penalty.
00:24:41.900And then we compete to see who's the best.
00:25:42.900When we see people cheat, you know, I think of what they call it, inflate gate or whatever it's called with Tom Brady and the Patriots throwing footballs that were underinflated.
00:26:58.660It's when we do it unrighteously or when we become conniving that it becomes an issue.
00:27:03.660And that's not competition any longer.
00:27:06.700Competition by definition is a level playing field.
00:27:09.980And the last one that I thought of as I was talking about this, and this wasn't in the American Psychological Association's assessment, but this is risk-taking.
00:27:19.140Men are more prone to take risks than women are.
00:27:28.500It doesn't mean even that men are better than.
00:27:31.020It just means that we're generally the sex that's going to take on more risk, which is why, by the way, that we experience more premature death.
00:28:19.580Women are going to college more than men, and they're getting college degrees more than men because more men are going out to start businesses.
00:28:28.440You're going to put tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of dollars into businesses.
00:28:32.300And by the way, some of those businesses that you're criticizing, this ability or desire to take risk, you're criticizing on the same platforms that men have built taking risks.
00:28:48.400Guys, the point that I'm making here is that masculinity is not inherently toxic.
00:28:53.080If you take the counter to the debates and the arguments and the points that I gave you today, sure, I think you could probably make that case.
00:29:03.540If I said, hey, being a dick is toxic, we'd all agree with that.
00:29:08.540But nobody's saying that men should be dicks.
00:29:10.580We're saying that you should use your ability to be dominant.
00:29:13.120If I said you're going to be an agitator for everybody, people would say that's toxic.
00:29:19.020Nobody's telling men to agitate people.
00:29:22.300If I said that you need to suppress your emotions and bottle them up and not ever share them, I would say, yeah, maybe that's toxic.
00:29:30.220But nobody's telling people to do that.
00:30:01.560So we have to move past this idea that masculinity is inherently toxic.
00:30:07.120And you might, as I'm preaching to the choir a bit here, believe that, that masculinity is not inherently toxic.
00:30:14.700There's a good contingent of people who believe it is, and it's our job not to convince them, but it's our job to show up powerfully so they actually see what real masculinity looks like.
00:30:27.620For example, a woman you might be in a relationship with may have bad examples of what it means to be a man.
00:30:35.200It's your job to be a shining example of what it means to be a man.
00:30:39.420The people you work with might have worked for horrible bosses where they were abused verbally and they were ridiculed and mocked and stymied when it came to their growth.
00:30:49.080And it's your job as an employer to empower and edify and uplift other people.
00:30:53.960You might run across people who have been victims of crimes, whether it's sexual crimes or theft or any number of things that have been perpetrated against them.
00:31:06.300It's your job to show them that the same characteristics that somebody used to hurt them can actually be used to serve them.
00:31:16.080Our motto, it's on my hat, it's on the wall behind me, is protect, provide, preside.
00:31:57.440Men that will lead other people righteously and do this the right way so that they can see that the people who are doing it the wrong way aren't men at all.