Order of Man - Victimhood Culture, Time Management Vs Task Management, and Modern Dating Tips ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:06.000 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.460 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong.

00:00:15.500 This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become.

00:00:19.740 At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:00:24.680 Kip, what's up, brother? Great to see you for another Ask Me Anything. Tripping all over each other already, man. We're starting off strong here.

00:00:33.960 It's good. Always good. We're going to field questions from Instagram today. Always kind of a different audience, yeah?

00:00:40.520 I think so. I don't know. We'll see the questions. I went through them really briefly. I was traveling a lot over the past couple of days, and so yesterday I was on the plane after I had posted that, so I didn't really get a good chance to see the questions, so we'll see. We'll see how the audience is over on the gram.

00:00:53.960 On the gram. All right. So headlines, you want to kick us off?

00:00:58.300 Oh, yeah. I forgot about that for a second. I actually don't have a specific headline. I have a group of headlines, more so a trend, and I don't know if this is something that I see because of my Instagram algorithm and my social media feeds, or if it's more prevalent, or we just see it more because we have access to cameras and videos.

00:01:19.180 But I see an insane amount of young people fighting and bullying and just causing mayhem unlike I've ever seen.

00:01:31.160 And I'm cautious because I don't want to sound like the quintessential old guy who says, you know, kids these days.

00:01:40.660 But I think we're seeing a real problem. I watched a video, I think it was a couple of weeks ago of a brawl between two girls and guys and everybody in the street.

00:01:51.360 And this girl, she's 15 years old, got into a fight with another one. And, you know, fighting happens. That takes place. I don't think it happens as often with girls, but we see that more and more often.

00:02:03.260 But she smashed her head into the concrete. And I don't have an update on that. I don't know if that girl died or not, but I would not be.

00:02:11.600 I knew that, but I didn't know if she passed away or not. But you see that. You see bullying. You see people getting picked on.

00:02:17.340 You see these fights taking place. And I just can't help but think that this is a major problem with the degeneracy in society.

00:02:23.520 I remember years and years ago, we had Colonel Dave Grossman on and the podcast was or his book was On Killing and On Combat.

00:02:32.320 Those are his two most popular books. And we talked about the rise of violence. And I had a bunch of people at the time.

00:02:38.580 This was probably maybe five, six years ago say, oh, you know, if you look at the statistics and I don't actually know, maybe I should look into that a little bit more.

00:02:45.940 But at least on an anecdotal level, I think we're seeing a rising level of violence than ever before.

00:02:53.240 And the reason for that, I have some theories here. When we paint people as victims, certain classes, whether it's based on race or gender or sexual identity or sexual orientation,

00:03:08.560 and we paint those individuals as victims, then it gives them the right to, quote unquote, defend and stick up for themselves.

00:03:19.000 Because everybody is not just another person. They're a perpetrator of violence against that victim class.

00:03:27.160 Not everybody is a victim. There are victims. But I don't think we do genuine victims justice when we paint everybody a victim.

00:03:35.360 Based on, again, immutable characteristics. So we have to be very, very careful of that.

00:03:41.800 There's also a passivity in society today that allows this to take place.

00:03:47.920 I think we live in probably, if we look historically, the safest time in human history.

00:03:54.920 The odds of us having to defend ourselves, the odds of us facing a violent encounter,

00:03:59.800 are probably significantly lower than they ever have been in the history of humankind.

00:04:06.280 That said, we've created this ease of modernity where we can just hug it out and be friends and not have these issues. 0.99

00:04:14.420 And what it's created is a group of passive, weak, pathetic human beings. 0.97

00:04:21.400 So when there's actually a person who wants to perpetrate violence against another person, 0.99

00:04:25.980 nobody knows how to stand up against it because they've never had to confront it.

00:04:29.960 They've never had to deal with it and they've never been in that type of situation.

00:04:35.300 We have so many anti-bullying campaigns and let's hug it out and let's be friends and can't we all get along?

00:04:42.360 And the coexist bumper stickers that you see on everybody's car.

00:04:45.320 And yet we continue to see these problems, especially with school-aged children.

00:04:50.800 It's going to be a problem.

00:04:52.280 So on the micro, at least in your own situation, get your kids trained up.

00:05:00.080 Teach them to be aware.

00:05:03.540 Teach them to take initiative.

00:05:04.980 Teach them to be assertive.

00:05:06.180 Teach them to stand up for themselves.

00:05:07.700 Teach them to protect themselves and other people who can't protect themselves.

00:05:11.520 Because the last thing you'd want to do is send your child to school one day and then him or her get into a fight

00:05:18.540 and get her head slammed against the road and all of a sudden you get a phone call at 11 o'clock in the morning

00:05:24.760 saying your daughter or son is in critical condition fighting for their life.

00:05:30.140 It's becoming a real possibility.

00:05:33.060 And I think it's going to get worse as we continue this degeneracy in society today.

00:05:37.220 So obviously we're addressing the greater issues, which is men stepping up as men and being responsible and leading.

00:05:43.800 But on the micro, make sure your kids are taken care of.

00:05:46.440 Make sure they're trained up and make sure they're aware of what's happening and the risk they're stepping into when they go outside of your house.

00:05:53.620 I find it interesting.

00:05:55.620 Try this on for thought and let me know what you think.

00:05:58.480 But by making words violent, then it allows or it opens up for violence to occur, right?

00:06:08.700 So if you and I say, oh, well, if you say rude things to Kip, that's considered violent.

00:06:14.080 It then allows me to violently, physically violent, justify my physical violence with your words of violence.

00:06:23.720 And it muddies the water of what is violent and what is not.

00:06:28.680 And I totally agree.

00:06:29.940 I don't think we have enough examples of people disagreeing and arguing.

00:06:36.240 And we've almost denormalized it to the extent that if people disagree with each other, it's now this extreme thing.

00:06:46.380 And now it's a violent thing versus, no, we just disagree.

00:06:49.400 And so people jump to violence because we're not even seeing it as a common thread and that it's okay that you don't agree with people and we don't encourage it enough.

00:07:01.160 There's a quote, and I'm going to butcher it here, but it's something like the mark of an intelligent man is his ability to entertain an idea without accepting it.

00:07:08.620 We just need to entertain the idea.

00:07:11.200 If I listen to you, you talked about this on Tucker's interview with Putin.

00:07:16.140 If I listen to it, I'm not accepting it.

00:07:19.640 I'm entertaining it.

00:07:20.980 I'm curious what makes a person like that tick so that I can make my own decisions in life.

00:07:26.900 But I wrote this here as you were talking about the words of violence.

00:07:30.660 You know what the interesting thing about it is?

00:07:32.620 Silence is also violence.

00:07:35.780 Right?

00:07:36.280 You hear that.

00:07:36.760 Words are violent.

00:07:37.320 Oh, he did this.

00:07:37.980 That was violence perpetrated against me.

00:07:39.540 But also, if you don't say anything, silence is violence.

00:07:42.580 Well, okay, what are we training our kids to do?

00:07:47.440 To be quiet, to not speak up, to not go out of turn, to not have a thought or an idea that deviates from the doctrine of popular culture.

00:07:56.920 And it's no wonder that we have bullies and violent people who just push others around because there's not any righteous people to stand up against it.

00:08:05.040 They're all too afraid.

00:08:06.360 Totally.

00:08:07.260 Totally.

00:08:07.580 I love that you chose this headline because it's actually perfectly aligned.

00:08:13.580 I promise, guys, we didn't discuss this ahead of time to try to, you know, see if we get aligned on our headlines.

00:08:19.720 But it's very much in line with the same concept, maybe a different angle.

00:08:24.800 So, the headline I snagged this past week that I saw was that Tyson's – this is how the headline read.

00:08:32.540 Tyson Foods fires hardworking American employees and instead hires illegal immigrants. 1.00

00:08:39.740 I saw that.

00:08:40.520 Now, we could jump all over that and make this soapbox about how that's un-American. 0.61

00:08:46.300 We need to close the border.

00:08:47.300 We need to protect American jobs.

00:08:48.660 Like, we can go all that route.

00:08:51.680 But I don't want to.

00:08:53.600 And this is why I don't.

00:08:54.580 Because if we moan and complain about how that's unfair to the American person, who is in control?

00:09:03.440 Who do you need to rescue you to make sure you save your job?

00:09:08.580 You or someone else?

00:09:10.900 And this is the other angle by which we will perpetuate a victim mindset.

00:09:18.040 And you mentioned this earlier, Ryan, about, you know, there are victims.

00:09:21.800 There absolutely are victims.

00:09:23.660 Absolutely.

00:09:24.700 But by maintaining a victim mindset, you are not in a position of empowerment.

00:09:30.840 You will not learn and you will not grow.

00:09:33.940 Absolutely.

00:09:35.340 So, even – I would even say if someone's listening, you're like, well, I was a victim. 0.99

00:09:39.140 I don't give a shit, actually. 0.98

00:09:41.360 Awesome. 1.00

00:09:41.880 You're a victim.

00:09:42.700 What are you going to do about it?

00:09:46.200 You can continue to relinquish your power over to someone else and continue to be a victim.

00:09:52.280 Or you can do something about it.

00:09:55.400 And so, when I hear this headline, I can't help but think of all the Americans that jump onto the – on the victim train going,

00:10:04.280 oh, see, still in our jobs, right?

00:10:10.500 We need to elect our officials.

00:10:12.880 We need a better president to rescue me, to save me, to save my job from it being stolen by illegal immigrants. 1.00

00:10:21.640 And I would suggest that if we are ever in a position where we are waiting and hoping for someone else to do something for our behalf,

00:10:31.000 you are being a victim.

00:10:34.440 You're not in a position of empowerment and you will continually be acted upon.

00:10:40.220 Now, let me just explain that briefly just to kind of drive this thought home.

00:10:44.060 If it gets fixed, who fixed it for me?

00:10:47.840 You?

00:10:49.180 Nope.

00:10:49.940 Someone else did.

00:10:51.100 Which means that the next time some illegal group wants to steal your job, what are you going to do?

00:10:57.360 Look for your savior to rescue you.

00:10:59.740 Once again, you're a politician.

00:11:01.980 You're someone else.

00:11:03.120 Versus you taking ownership and figuring out how do you ensure that you are a valuable asset so much that if another group that is cheaper labor doesn't threaten your job.

00:11:17.640 That is how you step into a position of ownership or a position of empowerment.

00:11:22.480 I've had this thought and we get this a lot every so often on the podcast around guys that, and I don't know how to have a phrase for it,

00:11:34.040 but they're the kind of guys that are like, on paper, Ryan, life's great.

00:11:38.500 I got a good wife. 1.00

00:11:40.060 I got a good job.

00:11:41.300 My kids are healthy, but I just lack something.

00:11:45.900 What it is, I would suggest, is that you are living a life of victimhood.

00:11:50.780 And your rescuers are just really good at their job.

00:11:55.920 And your life is easy peasy and things are going well or whatever, but they're going well, not because of anything or not mostly because of your own actions, but because of other people.

00:12:08.760 And because of that, we lack fulfillment, meaning, and purpose when the byproduct of our lives is not through our autonomy and through our own decisions.

00:12:21.400 And it doesn't include challenges and difficulties.

00:12:24.760 And so we find ourselves, maybe life's going great, but we lack something.

00:12:30.720 And I would argue that anyone listening that kind of might feel that way, like on paper, life seems great.

00:12:35.320 It's because you're playing small and life is going great because of other people more than it is about you stepping into what you need to do as a man.

00:12:46.060 So there's my thoughts.

00:12:47.780 I don't want to jump onto the victim train of illegal immigrants still in American jobs. 1.00

00:12:53.420 That's another conversation.

00:12:55.340 Absolutely.

00:12:56.460 But let's step into a position of empowerment and say, well, what are you going to do about it?

00:13:01.480 And not wait for someone else to do something about it.

00:13:03.780 And that's all you can do, right?

00:13:06.760 I mean, so when you said that my blood is boiling a little bit and I'm like wanting to jump in because I don't think it's the victim train.

00:13:13.800 I don't think it's the victim train to state the obvious.

00:13:18.000 I don't think it's the victim train to ask the government to do explicitly what it's intended to do, to level the playing field, to keep our sovereign country secure and safe and protected.

00:13:30.900 One of the major reasons that these organizations can outsource this way is because other countries are cheating.

00:13:39.520 China, for example, is cheating. 0.71

00:13:41.720 They're stealing our technology.

00:13:44.620 They're undercutting prices and then everything gets shipped overseas.

00:13:48.660 That's not a level playing field.

00:13:50.620 And so we should be aware of that.

00:13:52.200 And I think when you're talking about this, the disclaimer I would put out there is we could start tiptoeing into false dichotomies here.

00:14:00.500 Either you can do something about it or you can complain about it.

00:14:03.320 And I don't think it's either.

00:14:04.320 And I don't think you do either.

00:14:05.880 No.

00:14:06.680 Is that we need to be aware of that and be elected into positions of power and authority so we can begin to implement these changes at the state, local, federal levels.

00:14:17.580 And also, to your point, focus on the controllables, which is how do I develop a new skill set?

00:14:24.720 How do I make myself more valuable in my work environment?

00:14:29.640 How do I offer more value to my clientele so that they will not be tempted to do these things?

00:14:35.400 You know, and start thinking about what you can do as well.

00:14:39.500 So I think both exist.

00:14:41.140 And again, you do as well.

00:14:43.020 You're just addressing one side of it.

00:14:44.440 Yeah, absolutely.

00:14:45.520 And we have to keep in mind, like even from a leadership perspective, I often have two different conversations.

00:14:52.140 Right.

00:14:52.340 I might meet with a director and he might be complaining, let's say, around something that the executive suite or the C-suite is doing.

00:15:01.240 And I might totally agree.

00:15:03.580 But I don't go into that conversation saying, you know what, Ryan, I totally agree.

00:15:07.440 Yeah, that's really tough.

00:15:08.260 They need to change the way they're being.

00:15:09.980 No.

00:15:10.240 I go, awesome, Ryan.

00:15:13.160 What are you doing about it?

00:15:15.880 How do you build confidence?

00:15:17.140 How do you earn trust?

00:15:18.380 And then I might leave the conversation going, yeah, Ryan's totally right about those guys.

00:15:22.440 And I need to have another conversation with them.

00:15:24.900 But I'm not going to just pander to your complaint and go, yeah, you're right, man.

00:15:29.920 Let's wait for something to be fixed somewhere else.

00:15:32.680 Yeah, absolutely.

00:15:33.360 That needs to be fixed somewhere else.

00:15:34.440 But what are you also going to do about it right now?

00:15:38.120 What's within your realm of control and how do you step into a position of empowerment?

00:15:43.400 Yeah.

00:15:43.840 Yeah.

00:15:44.300 I like it.

00:15:44.940 All right, man.

00:15:45.240 Let's get to some questions.

00:15:46.640 Yeah.

00:15:46.820 So we're going to have a couple of questions from Facebook and then we'll jump on to the gram.

00:15:51.160 Joshua Chambers.

00:15:52.420 Oh, go ahead.

00:15:53.020 Can I say one other thing before we get started?

00:15:55.120 Yeah.

00:15:55.280 When we were talking about righteous people doing righteous things, I think this applies

00:15:59.400 to both of our headlines.

00:16:00.360 And I made a note here is that righteousness is only righteousness in action.

00:16:05.100 You can't exclusively think about being righteous without acting upon it because that isn't the

00:16:12.240 complete sentiment.

00:16:14.860 So, for example, if you think to yourself, well, I'm a good person.

00:16:18.640 Okay.

00:16:19.340 Show me what good you've done.

00:16:21.280 Well, I care about poor people.

00:16:22.560 Okay, show me what charities you've donated to, what organizations you've contributed to.

00:16:29.000 Yeah.

00:16:29.140 How much money you've given, what time have you given.

00:16:33.060 If you just say, hey, I care about people, that doesn't mean anything.

00:16:37.240 What is actually righteous is you going to do something about it.

00:16:41.260 So, in the same thing in your context, if you're just complaining about it, you might

00:16:45.100 have a valid complaint.

00:16:46.800 It might be valid.

00:16:48.340 But if that's all you're doing, you're not being a righteous man.

00:16:51.660 You're just whining.

00:16:54.420 Righteousness is only righteousness in action.

00:16:57.500 And that's how you know this person is truly strong or capable or good or moral or principled

00:17:03.520 or whatever.

00:17:04.960 So, we need to make sure we're taking action.

00:17:07.380 Dude, I love that.

00:17:08.600 In fact, I got on a soapbox yesterday at church, actually, around the same subject, that sometimes

00:17:17.380 we will latch onto our beliefs and we're like, well, it's what you believe.

00:17:22.500 And you're like, if it's true, it shows up on the day-to-day.

00:17:30.340 And if it doesn't show up in the day-to-day, you have to question yourself, is it true or

00:17:37.200 is it just a complaint or it's just language or it's just a facade?

00:17:43.000 And if it's not driving action, you have to question that.

00:17:46.600 Well, my girlfriend and I were talking over last week and she had said something.

00:17:53.420 I can't remember how we got talking about it, but she had said, you know, it's interesting

00:17:57.620 to see people who say they're fit and they're eating right and they've got all their diet

00:18:02.400 and nutrition locked in and they're working out.

00:18:04.040 And then you look at them and they're 50 pounds overweight.

00:18:06.220 It's like, okay, well, where's the discrepancy?

00:18:08.420 Like, you're not fooling anyone here.

00:18:10.420 Yeah.

00:18:10.740 Or your bank account.

00:18:11.800 People will say, oh, I'm frugal.

00:18:13.140 I'm prudent.

00:18:13.580 I'm good with my money.

00:18:14.300 Show me your bank account.

00:18:15.780 Well, I'm upside down.

00:18:17.480 You know, I've got debt up to my eyeballs.

00:18:19.500 Okay.

00:18:19.660 Then you're not good with your money and it's fine for now, but don't let it continue to

00:18:25.280 be that way.

00:18:26.000 Do something about it.

00:18:27.360 And I know results take time.

00:18:29.300 So sometimes you may have dug yourself into a hole from a health perspective or a financial

00:18:33.580 perspective, but I should be able to see progress from last month to this month.

00:18:37.460 And if I don't, then you should be questioning it.

00:18:40.220 You're only talking about it.

00:18:41.440 Yeah.

00:18:41.740 Yeah.

00:18:42.260 Yeah.

00:18:42.500 Absolutely.

00:18:42.900 Questions.

00:18:43.480 All right.

00:18:43.660 But Facebook, that's facebook.com slash group slash order of man.

00:18:47.140 If you want to join us there, Joshua Chambers, I find myself struggling to plan out my days.

00:18:52.900 I've experimented with time blocking, but then feel like my whole day gets filled with

00:18:57.200 tasks and no time to take a break or a breath, I should say.

00:19:01.340 But when I try to plan my day with objectives, I find that I never change or never managed to

00:19:07.560 complete all the things because of time management.

00:19:10.880 Is there a happy middle ground?

00:19:13.140 I've always been in a disorganized person and I really want to make sure I can plan out my days

00:19:19.640 effectively to get the most done without also feeling like my every day is nothing but lists.

00:19:24.660 Yeah, well, I operate best under lists, so I don't really like totally resonate with the question, but we can answer it in the spirit in which it's asked.

00:19:34.420 I don't know if it's a time management issue. 0.92

00:19:36.860 I think it might be a task management issue just based on the limited information I'm getting from you because it sounds like you're kicking ass. 0.98

00:19:43.120 Yeah, I've got a list. 0.94

00:19:44.600 I'm doing everything and I don't have enough time.

00:19:46.220 And like, you know, I don't have a time to take a break or if I do take a break, I don't get enough done.

00:19:51.600 It sounds like you're pretty motivated to get it done.

00:19:53.800 I think you might be doing too much, actually.

00:19:57.660 You're not going to hear that often, but I think you might be doing too much of the wrong thing.

00:20:01.380 And that's what you need to do.

00:20:03.180 You need to prioritize when I look.

00:20:05.080 So I've got my task list because I operate on lists.

00:20:07.100 So I've got my battle planner here in my hand and what I'll do is I'll look at my objectives and what I need to accomplish and then I'll break it down into tasks that I need to complete on a, on a daily basis.

00:20:18.740 And Kip, when you messaged me, you were running a little bit late for the podcast today.

00:20:25.080 And so I could have taken 10 minutes and, you know, jumped on Facebook or social media or, you know, done whatever it is I was going to do.

00:20:33.120 So instead I jumped to my task list and I said, what can I get done in 10 minutes?

00:20:37.660 And I've been gone for the past couple of weeks and, uh, I've, I've got really behind on emails.

00:20:44.100 So I cranked out about 70 emails in 10 minutes.

00:20:47.640 Some of them were spam, some of them auto responses, some of them just, you know, just a quick yes or no, or thank you.

00:20:53.740 And I, I went through about 70 emails in that timeframe because I have a list.

00:20:59.260 I do like the idea of planning in breaks because you need those breaks and you can take those breaks, not in the middle of tasks, but once you complete a task, because if you do in the middle of tasks, you're going to lose more time because when you wind down to, let's say, go to the bathroom and you come back, you don't just come back to where you were.

00:21:19.300 You have to get into the feel of it.

00:21:20.980 You have to get back into the rhythm and it takes longer to get started back up.

00:21:25.400 So take your breaks after tasks are complete or at a good stopping point anyways, before you start a new task.

00:21:33.600 Um, I don't know that there's a happy medium.

00:21:36.340 I think the best thing that you can do is prioritize what needs to get done and know that not everything's going to get accomplished.

00:21:41.860 I don't know that I've ever completed any, everything on my to-do list in a day.

00:21:46.940 I don't think I have.

00:21:48.180 Yeah.

00:21:48.620 If I have, it's, it's very rare, but what I do is I roll it over to the next day and something else might take precedent between.

00:21:54.860 I mean, five o'clock tonight and five o'clock tomorrow morning, I plug it in and I reprioritize every day.

00:22:00.780 In fact, I'm prioritizing when I'm done with a task, when I'm done with this podcast with you, Kip, something else might come up in the hour that we're talking and that might need my attention.

00:22:11.380 And so I'll plug that into the list of things that I need to accomplish.

00:22:16.140 But I, I've, I'm on this kick of just not burning myself out.

00:22:21.260 Yeah.

00:22:21.660 You know, I, you can see this in the gym a lot. 0.99

00:22:25.000 You'll see a guy who hasn't been to the gym for a while and he'll go in and he'll just bust his ass for like a week. 0.99

00:22:31.280 And then he's tired. 0.99

00:22:32.720 He's exhausted.

00:22:33.820 His muscles are sore.

00:22:35.120 He's burnt out.

00:22:36.160 He hates everything he's doing. 1.00

00:22:37.320 He feels like garbage. 0.96

00:22:38.540 And then week two comes around and he's not there. 0.96

00:22:40.840 I'd rather you go three days this week and go three days next week and the next week and the next week, then five or seven or two times a day for five.

00:22:52.620 And then not at all for the next three weeks, keep yourself in the game, gentlemen.

00:22:57.580 And that requires pacing.

00:22:59.540 We talked about that either last week or the week before pace yourself.

00:23:03.100 Yeah.

00:23:03.640 And give yourself that margin.

00:23:05.000 And a lot of guys that feel like they're overwhelmed, this is the power of prioritizing and executing.

00:23:12.640 That's all you can do.

00:23:14.060 That's what I tell employees all the time.

00:23:15.260 Oh, I feel so overwhelmed.

00:23:16.860 What's the top priorities?

00:23:18.340 Execute on the top priorities.

00:23:19.500 That's it.

00:23:20.400 Right?

00:23:20.720 Like, don't worry.

00:23:21.800 You know, do your best.

00:23:22.800 Forget the rest.

00:23:24.380 Identify the top priority items.

00:23:25.860 Get those done and just move on.

00:23:28.340 So, and give yourself some margins.

00:23:30.340 Now, I was trying to find a quote.

00:23:32.300 It was super great. 0.98

00:23:33.580 I'm going to slaughter it.

00:23:35.000 Not applicable to you, Josh, so don't get upset at me.

00:23:39.280 But I love this quote that roughly says something to the extent that stop saying you have a time

00:23:46.100 management problem.

00:23:47.520 You have a self-discipline problem.

00:23:50.700 Time is time.

00:23:51.980 The problem is you're not doing the work that easy it does.

00:23:55.740 And I think that's where most of us fit.

00:23:58.280 That we actually have a self-discipline problem and it's really not time management.

00:24:03.300 Now, Josh, it sounds like you have the opposite or it sounds like you're over burning yourself

00:24:07.260 and you get burnt out and then you have this unhealthy relationship with lists because you're 1.00

00:24:11.860 like, oh, stupid lists. 1.00

00:24:13.520 I, my whole life's driven by lists because you, you probably didn't give yourself enough 1.00

00:24:18.400 margin and you're just overdoing it.

00:24:20.840 And then you get disenfranchised with it.

00:24:22.920 But for a lot of people, we're talking about a self-discipline problem.

00:24:28.200 Yeah.

00:24:28.700 Not time management.

00:24:29.880 It's funny when you say that.

00:24:30.960 I wrote this down is why, why do I make a thousand dollars an hour?

00:24:33.940 And Elon Musk makes a hundred thousand an hour.

00:24:37.440 Those are arbitrary numbers.

00:24:38.740 But why is that the case?

00:24:39.740 Same hour.

00:24:40.840 He's doing more valuable things.

00:24:43.000 That's it.

00:24:44.300 And, and people say, oh, I'm valuable too.

00:24:46.140 We were not, that's not what I'm talking about.

00:24:47.980 You know what I'm talking about?

00:24:49.860 He's doing more valuable things as the market dictates.

00:24:53.180 Is that the only metric of value in a man's life?

00:24:55.640 No, but it's the one we're looking at right now.

00:24:58.120 Yeah.

00:24:58.640 So if you want to be more productive, then do more valuable things.

00:25:02.340 And so to your point about prioritization, what is the most valuable thing for you to

00:25:07.520 be doing right now?

00:25:08.720 Sometimes that's emails.

00:25:09.940 Sometimes that's sales calls.

00:25:11.640 Sometimes that's actually putting together a plan.

00:25:14.460 Sometimes that's training.

00:25:16.360 You know, you need to go train on how to be a better salesman, for example, but you always

00:25:20.740 need to be looking at what is going to increase your productivity in the same amount of time

00:25:26.580 that it did prior to you getting that training or taking that action.

00:25:30.960 Bob Ross, I find my son, seven years, seven years old, likes to question me more and push

00:25:38.920 boundaries more than he does with his mother.

00:25:41.440 He often refers to me as the strongest man in the world.

00:25:44.240 And I feel like he's pushing boundaries in his way of trying to grow into his own man.

00:25:49.820 But there are times that it becomes very frustrating to me.

00:25:53.120 My wife feels this is typical and is to be expected as he attempts to grow into a young man.

00:25:57.980 Have you felt this?

00:25:58.900 And if so, how do you keep your calm and guide him in the right direction?

00:26:03.260 Thanks for all you do.

00:26:04.880 I learned this in talking about sales training.

00:26:07.980 The person asking the question is the one who's in control of the conversation.

00:26:14.280 So if he's asking you questions, he's in control of the conversation.

00:26:17.440 It's not bad.

00:26:18.060 It just is.

00:26:18.960 He's dictating the conversation.

00:26:21.440 Ask him questions back.

00:26:23.160 So when he says, hey, dad, why do you do that?

00:26:25.340 Well, that's a good question, son.

00:26:26.280 Why do you think?

00:26:26.940 I think so.

00:26:27.440 Yeah.

00:26:28.200 And he might say, oh, I don't know.

00:26:29.600 I never really thought about it.

00:26:30.360 Well, let's explore it a little bit.

00:26:32.640 Right?

00:26:32.860 So it's good.

00:26:34.160 The fact that he's asking you questions.

00:26:35.800 I don't know what kind of questions he's asking, but that's a good thing.

00:26:39.020 And the fact that he's trying to push back a little bit or find his own way, even at seven

00:26:42.820 years old, that's great.

00:26:44.640 I, I really try not to hamper that.

00:26:47.340 I've done that in the past with my oldest in particular.

00:26:50.120 Yeah.

00:26:50.700 But the more I just let go of that a little bit and let them be their own personality,

00:26:54.380 the better relationship that we have.

00:26:56.180 And I think the more creative and exploratory that, that my children are.

00:27:01.440 And I like it, you know, I appreciate that all of my kids are different and have different

00:27:05.000 personalities and don't see things the same way that I do.

00:27:08.040 But the best way to answer a question in these cases is with another question.

00:27:14.120 And there's a line, right?

00:27:15.740 Like there's a point where it becomes obnoxious and it's just manipulation.

00:27:19.620 Yeah.

00:27:20.540 But if he's asking you a question about, um, you know, what, why, I don't even know, uh,

00:27:27.720 why you're working out the way that you, what would even be a question?

00:27:30.580 I don't know.

00:27:30.960 What's a good example of a question you think you might ask?

00:27:33.260 I got a, I don't have a good question.

00:27:35.600 I have a good example of this.

00:27:37.060 Um, yeah, my, my daughters in their new school, they're like in a private school and I was

00:27:44.500 joking around the other day.

00:27:45.460 I'm like the drawback of that school is they've gotten really good at debating, which comes

00:27:52.980 at a price, right?

00:27:54.820 So my daughter, no joke, wants a dog. 1.00

00:27:58.380 What ends up happening?

00:28:00.380 I have pictures all over the house of this random dog that she wants softening me up, 0.98

00:28:06.280 right?

00:28:06.780 These cute photos of this, of this puppy writes a multi-page report of the benefits of having

00:28:16.920 a puppy in the house.

00:28:18.480 She's pulling stats from online about my longevity.

00:28:22.180 Like I will live longer.

00:28:23.780 Like statistically I'll live longer.

00:28:25.980 If, if we have two dogs versus one, like she's working angles all over the place, talking to

00:28:32.540 mom, talking to me.

00:28:34.120 My other daughter built a PowerPoint presentation.

00:28:36.880 I had to come home and watch this presentation about her getting a phone, right?

00:28:42.760 It's really tempting to be mad at it, right?

00:28:45.660 And go, Hey, I said no.

00:28:47.800 And, and see it as a form of disrespect, but look at what they're doing.

00:28:53.580 They're processing it.

00:28:55.160 They're trying to debate back to your point earlier.

00:28:57.840 We want people to argue.

00:28:59.180 They're arguing with me in a respectable way.

00:29:03.740 They're dis, they're highly disagreeing with me and they're using logic and coercion to

00:29:11.060 do it.

00:29:11.920 It's good.

00:29:13.040 Just say they're highly, say they're highly disagreeing, say they're highly disagreeing

00:29:16.480 with me again.

00:29:17.540 They're highly disagreeing with me.

00:29:20.000 And if I look at the root of it, what an amazing skill that they're developing.

00:29:24.780 So the only reason that it's frustrating is because of my ego.

00:29:30.760 I don't want to be challenged and I don't want to have to deal with telling them no.

00:29:37.500 It's all selfish.

00:29:39.220 In the grand scheme of things, we should all hope that our kids are being a little bit more

00:29:44.700 disagreeable in society today and that they're logically processing ways to get their, their

00:29:51.280 point across. 0.98

00:29:52.100 What an amazing thing, but it's a pain in the butt. 0.94

00:29:55.200 So did you get another dog? 0.95

00:29:57.320 Absolutely.

00:29:57.880 No.

00:29:59.940 And that's, that's an interesting thing too, is I think it's okay to explain it.

00:30:05.400 I don't, I don't like the, because I said so mentality, but if you explain, Hey, Hey,

00:30:10.040 look, hon, like I appreciate everything that you've done.

00:30:12.260 I admire all that information that you've put together.

00:30:15.080 But at the end of the day, I have to make decisions on based on what I think is the head

00:30:20.400 of the household is best for the family.

00:30:22.340 And so we're not going to be getting a dog for these reasons, but I appreciate all of

00:30:28.040 that effort and work and I appreciate the healthy discussion and I appreciate what you've

00:30:31.400 done, but we're not doing that.

00:30:32.920 Like you still have to say no.

00:30:34.320 So yeah.

00:30:35.700 Yep.

00:30:36.220 But it's great.

00:30:37.340 Cool.

00:30:38.240 Yeah, it's good.

00:30:39.440 All right.

00:30:39.740 What's next?

00:30:40.320 All right.

00:30:40.600 We're going to go jump over to the gram, uh, to follow, uh, Ryan on Instagram.

00:30:45.240 That's at Ryan Nickler.

00:30:46.680 I always love Instagram because these names are all like whack Chabo one-on-one, whatever

00:30:53.480 that means.

00:30:54.120 Like they're probably like slaying naughty words or whatever, but, uh, whatever.

00:30:59.460 So this individual, actually not a question.

00:31:02.180 He says, I heard one of your free podcasts.

00:31:04.900 I didn't know they were free by the way, um, about finding me, finding things and doing

00:31:10.440 things that I was thinking about.

00:31:11.820 And I did, my life has been changing and I don't really know where I'm going, but it's

00:31:17.160 definitely getting better than where, what, where I was.

00:31:20.580 Thank you, Ryan.

00:31:21.500 So I just thought that was a, a little nice to add.

00:31:25.240 All right.

00:31:26.180 To the questions.

00:31:28.080 All right.

00:31:29.100 Jeez.

00:31:30.780 Jaw logger 81 dating after divorce, the good, the bad, the ugly about it.

00:31:36.820 Married 20 years and now starting over best places and things to do.

00:31:41.520 To find a new partner.

00:31:43.100 Yeah.

00:31:43.420 I, I've had, I've had a good experience dating.

00:31:46.100 I'm, I'm dating somebody exclusively now.

00:31:48.300 We have been for, for months now.

00:31:50.060 And so, but, but even prior to that, I, I enjoyed dating.

00:31:53.880 I didn't put a whole lot of expectation on anything.

00:31:56.000 I wasn't out there trying to get laid.

00:31:57.960 I wasn't trying to get married.

00:31:59.900 I, I just, just wanted to date and I had a really good experience.

00:32:04.320 I used, uh, online dating almost exclusively.

00:32:09.960 That's easy.

00:32:10.680 So easy.

00:32:11.940 All you have to do is be normal.

00:32:13.940 I've heard some crazy, crazy stories about guys who are anything but normal.

00:32:19.960 I'll just say it that way.

00:32:21.580 Um, so yeah, I think the best thing that you can do if you want to get back into the dating

00:32:26.120 market is online dating to me is, is the way to go.

00:32:30.480 Obviously you need to learn how to interact with attractive women face to face as well. 0.89

00:32:35.200 So what I would suggest is to look for ways to engage with women in non-threatening environments.

00:32:43.580 So at work, you know, that attractive woman who works down the hall, try to engage her, 1.00

00:32:48.420 like try to have a conversation.

00:32:49.920 If you get on the elevator and a woman walks in, like think of something that you can say 1.00

00:32:55.420 to be able to start a conversation.

00:32:57.260 Now I'm not saying you're going to get a date or even want a date.

00:33:00.120 It's just good practice.

00:33:01.760 If you're at the grocery store and you're at the same aisle as a woman or the cashier

00:33:06.920 or talk to her, like try to get her to laugh, try to have a conversation with her.

00:33:11.460 The more that you practice that in non-risky, non-threatening environments, the better you

00:33:16.840 will be able to communicate when you do have a date or you do find somebody who's attractive

00:33:21.920 that you actually would like to potentially date.

00:33:25.460 So I think, and by the way, don't just do it with women. 0.68

00:33:29.620 Try to connect with men too.

00:33:30.900 If you can strike up conversations, you're 99% ahead of anybody else.

00:33:35.920 Cause nobody else can do that.

00:33:37.780 And so I was coming back from our hunt yesterday and a woman got on the elevator and we had

00:33:44.740 a brief conversation.

00:33:45.740 She started asking about what I was doing with the cooler and hunt.

00:33:48.580 She started asking me and my son questions because we're able to strike up a conversation.

00:33:53.820 Like the better you get at that, the better off you'll be.

00:33:56.420 So that's what I would do in the real world, real world.

00:33:58.960 In the digital world, get a good picture taken, like hire a photographer and get some lifestyle

00:34:05.800 pictures taken of yourself.

00:34:07.980 Okay.

00:34:08.460 Don't just do the one in the bathroom or like whatever, like this, like present yourself

00:34:12.740 in a, in a healthy, good way.

00:34:16.280 Like put your best foot.

00:34:17.300 If you're serious about it, put your best foot forward.

00:34:19.880 So hire a photographer or look for good pictures or ask other women in your life who you're 0.99

00:34:25.180 not attracted to.

00:34:26.460 Say, Hey, like I'm getting into dating.

00:34:28.360 What do you think about these pictures?

00:34:29.780 Like be honest and let her be honest with you.

00:34:32.420 That one, you look weird.

00:34:33.640 That one's a bad angle, but those two look really good.

00:34:36.180 And then use the two that she suggested set up a good profile.

00:34:39.820 And then here's the biggest thing with online dating.

00:34:42.480 I would say, and this is something I hear a lot is guys just, they don't, they don't

00:34:47.540 know how to land the date because they don't ever ask for it.

00:34:51.200 So they'll, they'll get on the app and they'll just talk to a woman for days and weeks at a 0.79

00:34:57.580 time.

00:34:57.900 It's like, bro, the point is to get a date, like stop revealing all of your life's experiences

00:35:04.040 and stop asking about all of hers.

00:35:06.200 Like just get to the point where you can get a date.

00:35:09.120 And the beautiful thing about online dating is that's what you're there to do.

00:35:13.180 And also guys, that's what she's there to do.

00:35:15.640 She wants to go out to give it.

00:35:17.600 So it's so easy.

00:35:19.220 So all you have to do is say, Hey, you know, I'd like to take you out.

00:35:22.860 And then what I would suggest on the taking out is you come up with a plan and let her say

00:35:27.480 no, if she's not interested, but don't, don't ever, ever say, Hey, you know, I'd like to

00:35:33.480 take you out this Friday.

00:35:34.180 And she says, yeah, let's do it.

00:35:35.280 And you say, great.

00:35:35.940 What would you like to do?

00:35:37.240 But boring, lame. 0.99

00:35:38.620 You just shot yourself in the foot. 0.99

00:35:41.000 Now you're not assertive.

00:35:43.040 She's making decisions all day anyways, at work or at home or with her kids.

00:35:47.540 And now you're asking her to make another decision.

00:35:49.640 That's not what a man does.

00:35:50.940 A man says, Hey, I'd like to take you out Friday.

00:35:53.020 There's this new restaurant I want to take you to, or there's this cool concert that, you know,

00:35:57.100 you and I had talked about that.

00:35:58.260 You said you really liked in our texts that they're actually playing, uh, you know, tonight,

00:36:03.000 whatever, like make a date, plan it and be assertive.

00:36:07.660 And you know, whether you go pick her up or meet her there, I don't know.

00:36:11.260 Like I would suggest, again, I think it's different depending on maybe where you live, but I like

00:36:16.880 picking a woman up for a date that maybe I'm just more traditional.

00:36:20.500 And so I would say that I'd like to pick you up, but if you'd rather meet, I understand.

00:36:24.440 And that's fine too.

00:36:25.840 I'll let them make that decision, but I plan it.

00:36:28.080 And if they don't want to do it, then they can tell me, but I plan it on something that

00:36:31.460 I think they would like based on the conversations we've had leading up to that point.

00:36:35.140 Right.

00:36:35.480 You mentioned it briefly about mindset.

00:36:38.980 Maybe share a little bit about guys looking at dating from a more of a desperate perspective

00:36:44.460 and looking for something and, and what kind of mindset would be beneficial.

00:36:48.820 Well, I mean, you can find that too, if you want it.

00:36:50.640 Right.

00:36:51.340 I mean, if, if you just want to go out there and get laid, you know, there's apps, Tinder

00:36:54.440 is obviously notorious for that.

00:36:56.100 There's apps that you, you can go do that.

00:36:58.620 You know, I, I don't think that's a healthy way to approach it, but you know, who am I to

00:37:03.400 say what you ought to be doing?

00:37:05.260 Uh, I think the mindset is don't go into a date.

00:37:09.120 If you're looking for an actual date with somebody to build, build and develop relationship,

00:37:12.980 I wouldn't go in with expectations of, of anything.

00:37:15.960 You know, if you're, if you're going to take a woman out, don't expect that she's your 0.98

00:37:19.600 next girlfriend.

00:37:20.540 Don't expect that she's the next wife. 1.00

00:37:22.440 Don't expect that you're going to get lucky tonight.

00:37:24.560 Just don't expect any of that because what ends up happening is you put so much pressure

00:37:29.140 on yourself to perform that it just comes across as, as desperate to your point.

00:37:34.080 It's just, it's repulsive.

00:37:35.660 So instead of that, the expectation should be, I think to enjoy her company.

00:37:41.840 That's it.

00:37:42.780 Like I'm here to enjoy your company.

00:37:44.420 And I went on, I went on a handful of dates where, you know, I enjoyed it, but it, that's

00:37:50.000 it.

00:37:50.640 Don't no attraction, no desire to have a followup date.

00:37:53.940 Um, but there wasn't any weird sense of expectation or obligation.

00:37:57.240 And so, um, you know, I said, I said goodbye after dinner.

00:38:00.660 And that's another thing is don't plan out everything.

00:38:02.940 Just plan out dinner because I don't want to be trapped all night long with somebody that

00:38:08.320 I'm not interested in, but I could do dinner.

00:38:10.240 I, I, I would suggest you pay for the meal.

00:38:13.200 You asked her out, you should pay for it.

00:38:14.740 That's something I would suggest.

00:38:16.440 Uh, and then afterwards, you know, a day or two later, I would, I would even with the

00:38:20.640 women that I dated that I didn't feel like there was any connection.

00:38:24.600 I said, Hey, look, really appreciate it going out with you.

00:38:28.080 I didn't feel the connection that I was looking for, but I appreciated our time together and

00:38:32.700 I wish you, wish you the best black and white.

00:38:35.540 I mean, I didn't have, I didn't have, and it wasn't a lot.

00:38:38.320 There's maybe, you know, three or four, but I didn't have anybody like get mad that I

00:38:42.880 said, no, they're like, Oh, thank you for telling me.

00:38:45.120 I had a couple of them said, yeah, I felt the same way.

00:38:47.300 It's fine.

00:38:48.160 Like no connection.

00:38:49.500 It's not a big deal to me.

00:38:50.880 So yeah, I think having the right mindset is obviously you're going to, the ironic thing

00:38:55.760 is, is you're more likely to get what you want when you don't act like you want it.

00:39:00.860 It's weird, but welcome to dating.

00:39:03.100 Um, yeah, there is one other thing I would say about it. 0.97

00:39:06.640 A lot of guys will say, Oh, dating in the modern world sucks because women are different. 1.00

00:39:11.400 I think, yeah, women can be different, but also the amount of men who take initiative, 0.96

00:39:17.280 who are assertive, who are strong and capable and want to lead like men are so few and far

00:39:23.220 between that if you do those things, you are really going to stand out as somebody that

00:39:29.820 she at least at a minimum respects, maybe not any further than that, you know, that's 0.67

00:39:36.520 to be determined, but at least she respects that.

00:39:39.260 Yeah, I see that.

00:39:41.780 Sully casts.

00:39:43.380 Why are there so many men posting about broken relationships in or in the order of man Facebook

00:39:48.220 group and equally as many telling the poster to lead the women because she must be cheating. 1.00

00:39:54.980 He says, I eventually left the group because it was so repetitive.

00:39:58.520 I, I actually like this conversation because I think there's a lot that you can share Ryan

00:40:03.400 around maybe why we see so many broken relationships, but also the role that men play with one another,

00:40:10.260 you know, and, and the idea that by default, a lot of these guys are kind of like, dude,

00:40:15.720 she must be cheating on you and just exit. Right. And some of the, maybe the pros and cons

00:40:20.580 of, of those kinds of interactions that we see on the, on the Facebook group.

00:40:24.960 Yeah. I mean, I've even asked questions. Somebody will say, Hey, I'm having a hard time with my

00:40:28.660 wife and this is what's going on. And I think she's seen another guy. And I'll ask a question

00:40:32.380 like, why do you think that? Or if she is what, like what, what drove her away? I'll say things

00:40:38.180 like that. And guys are like, what does it, doesn't matter. Doesn't even matter. Like,

00:40:42.160 what would you even ask? I'm like, calm down. Yeah. Like take a breath for a second. Okay.

00:40:48.440 Like clearly you've been cheated on and now you're projecting all over this guy. Just calm down.

00:40:54.420 We're just asking questions to get to the root of the problem. We're just exploring. And that's,

00:41:00.020 that's one of the greatest problems with social media is everybody just wants to rush in and give

00:41:05.060 their answer and appear smart and come in and be the hero. Like maybe she's cheating. I don't know. 0.97

00:41:12.160 All that. The only information I have is the five sentences this guy wrote on Facebook. Like,

00:41:18.700 I don't know what's going on. I want to be helpful. And so I'm going to ask a few questions to try to

00:41:23.520 get to the bottom of it and see if there's anything we can do about it. Yeah. There are a lot of broken

00:41:27.520 relationships. You know, I came out of one. And so that's something that I have dealt with. And so a

00:41:34.380 lot of guys are dealing with that. And clearly when people are struggling, that's when they're going to

00:41:39.660 reach out for help. Like nobody's guys aren't going to reach out in a Facebook group when

00:41:44.400 everything's going well, it's just right. So you're already, you're already, it's a little bit

00:41:50.640 of confirmation bias. Yeah. It's people are there because they're struggling and because they're

00:41:56.340 struggling, they're going to ask questions with regards to what they're struggling with. It's

00:41:59.900 relationships, money, fitness, all the things that we address and talk about on a daily basis,

00:42:04.400 because they're things that guys are struggling with. When things are going well, nobody's jumping

00:42:09.620 into a men's Facebook group about how to improve their lives. They're locked. So we've already got

00:42:15.600 a bit of bias in the, in the data, right? So that's part of it. As far as why guys rush in

00:42:22.880 to say things like that, it's because they're projecting. They're hurt, they're damaged,

00:42:29.240 they're taking their experience and projecting it onto somebody else. Now, in some cases,

00:42:33.600 they might be right. And so we need to weigh and consider. And in other cases, they're just

00:42:39.720 absolutely wrong. So you need to weigh and consider. But I see a lot of guys who get hurt

00:42:45.060 in isolated situations with relationships, for example, maybe they get stepped out on. 1.00

00:42:50.460 And all of a sudden, every woman is a bitch. Every woman is a gold digger. Every woman just, 1.00

00:42:56.260 you know, is going to love you and leave you. Every woman's always looking for the next dude to lay 1.00

00:42:59.700 with. Like all, all women are like that because you were with one that was like that. I don't think 1.00

00:43:06.880 all women are like that. I think there are women like that. I think there are men like that, but I

00:43:10.760 don't think all men are like that. I don't think all women are like that. So each individual case

00:43:15.440 is a different scenario, which is why we ask questions because we need to really figure out

00:43:22.160 if this is what's going on or not. So discernment, I guess, is the answer. Exercise some discernment.

00:43:29.480 You know, if somebody says, oh, she's a bitch, she's cheating on you. Exercise some discernment. 1.00

00:43:36.360 It gives the guy right. He might be right based on the evidence. Let's look into it. Yeah. Might be

00:43:41.380 wrong. Well, and there's a, there's a level of rescuing that might occur there as well.

00:43:47.260 So what I like about your example of the question of like, well, why do you think that that is helping

00:43:53.580 him self-evaluate and work through possible considerations for himself that will coach and

00:44:03.060 help someone way better, even if you're right. And you could jump to the conclusion of like,

00:44:08.880 oh, she's cheating. That's why. And just move on. Who didn't learn as much in that circumstance? 1.00

00:44:13.780 The person that you just gave the answer to. So ask the question, help them self-evaluate and

00:44:20.420 look through the process. There's more growth. That's the coaching is around helping the individual,

00:44:28.140 not just giving them the answer, right? There's a, there's a level of teaching how to fish versus

00:44:33.360 giving them fish in how we interact with people when they're struggling. And that's what I saw.

00:44:38.980 Well, one question, well, and one question we get quite often is something like this. My wife

00:44:46.080 cheated on me. She admitted to cheating on me and I'm broken. I'm devastated. I'm heartbroken.

00:44:53.540 Obviously, of course. Yeah. And I don't know what to do. What do you get? What do you guys think I

00:44:58.440 should do? I can't answer that question. Who, who am I to tell you what to do? I, I know men,

00:45:04.820 close personal friends in my life who have been cheated on and have left. And I have close personal

00:45:13.080 friends who have been cheated on, who have stayed and they have good marriages now. I can't tell you.

00:45:18.980 So in that instance, I might say something like, well, what do you think you should do and why?

00:45:25.260 And I'll have guys who would jump in and be like, it doesn't matter. She cheated. It's like, 1.00

00:45:29.700 that's your life, buddy. That's your decision. This guy's decision might be something else. Let's

00:45:35.860 help him. Okay. We don't know all the facts. We want to see if he can come to his own conclusions.

00:45:41.600 And a lot of the times they do. They're like, yeah, well, I think I, I think at a minimum,

00:45:45.400 I should, you know, take a break or whatever. Right. Okay, good. Why do you think that? Let,

00:45:50.180 to your point, let them work through the process. And some guys will say, well, if you didn't,

00:45:54.200 if you knew the answer, he wouldn't be asking. I didn't say he knew the answer. I said,

00:45:59.140 what do you think you should do? I don't think he knows the answer unequivocally. I think he's

00:46:04.840 trying to work through it and I'm trying to assist him in that path. And don't let him be lazy by

00:46:10.620 giving him the answer. Cause that's the other thing is that we know this. Some guys want you

00:46:16.020 to tell them the answer. Why? Because they don't want to think critically. Well, guess what? There's

00:46:19.980 no growth in that. So don't give them the answer. Well, and have you ever been wrong? Somebody comes

00:46:25.660 back to you and says, well, you told me to do that. Yeah. What are you five? You're a grown

00:46:33.640 ass man. Make your own decisions. Yeah, totally. All right. Captain McClain, dude, this dude like 0.99

00:46:40.020 threw in like 40 questions. So I grabbed the best one. I saw that. Yeah. I think, I think this is the

00:46:46.020 best one. When was the last time you lost your anger? And what do you, what did you learn after

00:46:52.900 reflection? Put you on the spot. It's actually been a long, no, I know. I'm trying to think

00:46:58.900 the last time I've, I lost my anger or, or got angry. Is that lost my temper? Is that what you

00:47:04.840 said? Yeah. Lost your temper. Temper. Yeah. Um, I don't, maybe that's a spectrum in itself,

00:47:10.880 right? Like, cause if you're struggling with last time, I'm like, Oh, what's your level of anger

00:47:15.040 that you're going for here? Yeah. You know, I will say this. I get impatient and frustrated with my

00:47:20.900 kids at times, but the common theme with that is usually when I'm stressed or pressed for time.

00:47:27.680 Yeah. I get, I get impatient. I get temperamental, I get snappy. And so I have to be really aware of

00:47:33.060 how I use my time when I'm with them. Cause I'm with them half the time. So when I'm with them,

00:47:38.100 um, I shouldn't be working and other things that are keeping me distracted or stressed out,

00:47:41.960 try to get all my work done. So when I'm there, I'm fully present. It's when I'm pressed for time

00:47:45.640 or stressed, I'll snap at my kids. I wouldn't say I lose my temper, but I might say like,

00:47:51.760 I might be a little bit more harsh in my delivery of certain things. Right. But it's actually been a

00:47:56.940 long time. I mean, maybe a year, year and a half. I'll tell you what, when I was drinking heavy,

00:48:02.420 I would lose my temper. But when I stopped drinking, a lot of that went away. And I've done a lot of work

00:48:09.500 too on myself in, you actually come to mind a lot when situations happen that I don't like,

00:48:18.000 or I'm not comfortable with. I asked myself, because you suggest this, what am I making this

00:48:24.400 mean? And so I get mad about something or frustrated, or I feel slighted about something.

00:48:29.520 And then I hear your voice. What are you making this mean? Cause you're making up a story.

00:48:34.560 It might be right, but it might be wrong. So let's not jump to conclusions and paint the worst

00:48:40.060 possible scenario and think that that person's trying to slightly slight you or trying to get

00:48:45.400 you or whatever. Yeah. That has been really, really valuable. And then, and then just understanding

00:48:51.840 like, what is my objective, right? If, if for, with my kids, for example, if I lose my temper with my

00:48:57.760 kids, does that serve my objective? Well, my objective is to connect, like form deep connections with my

00:49:03.660 kids. So I can help them grow into self-sustaining adults. Like that's what I want. So does yelling

00:49:09.740 at them achieve that objective? No, it undermines it. You know, if we're talking about my girlfriend

00:49:17.380 and I, my objective is to build a healthy, loving relationship with her. If I lose my cool or lose

00:49:26.620 my patience or snap at her or yell at her, does that help develop and build the loving relationship

00:49:33.200 that I want? No, it hinders it. So I'm always trying to keep in mind, like, what is my ultimate

00:49:38.120 objective and what is the best way to make that happen? And it's certainly not losing my temper.

00:49:43.380 Yeah. So I'm sorry, I can't give you a specific example. It's just been a really long time,

00:49:47.060 which is actually kind of nice to think about. Yeah, man. I, um, I don't know if I really lose my,

00:49:53.920 I mean, I'll get snippy and yell at kids and stuff. Um, yeah. Random kids or yeah. Any kid walking

00:50:01.600 by just like, I just yell at kids. Hey kid, come here. Um, at nighttime, before we go to bed,

00:50:11.600 we'll say best thing, worst thing. And I've, I've convinced the kids kind of that we don't say

00:50:19.680 worst thing. We say lessons learned. So what's the best thing about your day? And what's something

00:50:26.020 you learn today? Cause the learn thing is usually the worst thing, you know, it's like this bad thing

00:50:31.520 happened. Okay, great. What did you learn about it? And for a while there, the five-year-old was

00:50:38.180 constantly like best thing today. And my worst thing, dad got mad at me. And he would say it a

00:50:46.200 lot. Dad got mad at me. Dad got mad at me. Dad yelled at me. And at first I would reply like, no,

00:50:54.460 I didn't. And I'd argue with him. And I was like, that's his interpretation. All right. That's his

00:51:02.520 reality. His reality is I'm mad at him. Period. Whether I was or not, that's his world. And I'm

00:51:12.140 like, you know, it's got to change. And most importantly, that he would hold onto that. And

00:51:18.460 when he reflected on his day, the worst part about his day was me. Right. So luckily I can say,

00:51:29.400 I'm going to report back. He hasn't said that for a long time. It's been awesome. It's probably been

00:51:34.500 three weeks or even longer than he said. Now, every so often I'll get a dad got mad at me today.

00:51:41.400 Um, but it's usually a result of me multitasking. I'm trying to do something. I'm trying to do email.

00:51:52.240 I'm trying to get something else done. And I'm trying to be a present father at the same time.

00:52:00.460 And I don't know why I keep trying that sometimes because that shit never works ever. 0.97

00:52:05.760 Um, but it's usually a result of me multitasking versus being clear to my objective, which I really 0.96

00:52:13.620 like that, Ryan, like what's my objective here. And, uh, me multitasking usually is out of alignment

00:52:20.540 with what I'm trying to accomplish as a, as a father usually. Yeah. Now I can also say I've gotten

00:52:26.660 better at apologizing. So I will go out of my way and grab my son. And I usually make it fairly quick

00:52:33.360 and have him come back to my room or whatever. So on the couch, make eye contact with me and I'll

00:52:38.240 apologize. Say, and not a, I was mad at you because you, none of that. Hey, I overreacted.

00:52:44.760 I shouldn't have been mean that wasn't right. I'm sorry. And just leave it as that no story,

00:52:51.960 right. But in my apology to him. Yeah. No, that's awesome. You know, the other thing I was thinking is

00:52:57.060 that in each of these moments, you know, we could blow it. We can keep it neutral or we can improve

00:53:03.160 the relationship. And, and I, and I've tried to focus a little bit more heavily lately on what

00:53:09.720 opportunity is being presented here. And so when I was, when I was drinking heavy, like my kids did

00:53:16.180 not like me, I thought they did. And I thought for the most part, they did. I thought things were good,

00:53:19.880 but like in talking with them and, and looking at the way I was showing up, they, they, they had a hard

00:53:25.440 time. And so there's been over the past year and a half to two years, there's been a lot of rebuilding

00:53:29.720 in the relationships. Um, and there's been moments and I can't think of a specific, but there's been

00:53:35.780 moments where there might be some contention or frustration on my part with something. And I can

00:53:42.080 get frustrated. I can blow up or I can ignore it or whatever. Or I can say, well, here's an opportunity

00:53:46.420 for me to show them that two years ago, I would have done this, but in the exact same scenario today,

00:53:54.280 whoa, look how dad just handled that. And that says something about me, which builds the relationship.

00:54:00.720 Another example is, uh, about a week ago, uh, my girlfriend and I went hunting. I think I talked

00:54:05.960 a little bit about that along the way back. We, we had a, we had, we had some friction. I'll say it

00:54:13.220 that way. We had some friction and, uh, it wasn't, it was, it actually worked out. Like it was tense for a

00:54:19.980 little bit there, but I could have blown up. I was dealing with my own personal stuff. She was

00:54:24.420 and then just conflict. I could have blown up. I could have got frustrated. I could have said

00:54:28.860 things. She could have said things like there could have, it could have been way worse.

00:54:33.700 Instead, we both took a break, took a breather, you know, the next morning it was fine. Like it was

00:54:38.920 fine. We talked about it, had a good conversation about it. We're honest with each other about what was

00:54:44.420 going on. And we laugh about like now we're laughing about it. It was a week ago. We laugh about it

00:54:49.400 because it was kind of silly, but it was real in the moment. Yeah. But it was an opportunity to

00:54:54.660 forge a better relationship. I think the relationship is better because of how we

00:54:59.280 handled that scenario. It could have gone way worse. So I, I, I think these things are opportunities.

00:55:05.100 Yeah. I love that. All right. Let's take one or two more Kip and then close things out. Okay.

00:55:09.700 Okay. Sounds good. Kevin Davis. How do you establish boundaries earlier on in dating relationships?

00:55:16.560 Recently, I went on several dates with a woman, uh, on one of the dates. She said she wanted to go

00:55:22.800 to a sit down restaurant, uh, asked her what kind of food she liked. She said she would be okay with

00:55:27.060 any restaurant. I took her to the middle of the road restaurant, similar to cheesecake factory.

00:55:31.520 When we got there, she immediately complained about it. Although it had a menu with many food options

00:55:37.380 and good service. Both of us work middle-class jobs. And this was a restaurant that many middle-class

00:55:42.340 folks dine at, how would you communicate to your date that you find the behavior unacceptable,

00:55:48.340 especially when she asked for your input prior to the date?

00:55:52.340 Yeah. I mean, it depends on how long ago this was. If it was long ago, I think you're past the

00:55:56.420 point of discussing it. Cause yeah. Yeah. But in the moment I, if, if, if I was taking a woman on a

00:56:03.420 date and this was like our second date and she was complaining, she said, I'm interested in her. 0.98

00:56:07.780 I want, and you chose something and she's like, this is crap. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know 0.98

00:56:13.440 that she said, we don't know what complaining is. We don't know what she said. So, but let's say

00:56:17.900 she's complaining. I might say to her, if this is early on, say, Hey, look, you, you asked me to

00:56:23.100 choose something. I chose something. Is there something else that you'd prefer? I'd be happy

00:56:28.180 to take you there tonight. And if she says no, then say, Oh, okay. I, it just seemed like maybe

00:56:32.240 you weren't excited about this because you, you seem like you're complaining about it.

00:56:37.640 Like, why wouldn't you say that? Yeah. Like if I'm going to take you out, I'm going to pay

00:56:42.760 and you're going to complain about it, especially on the first date or two. No, no way. If it's a

00:56:49.660 little bit further along in the relationship, then you can look, is this a trend? If it's a trend,

00:56:55.320 you need to nip it. Yeah. Right. You need to nip it. And you need to say, Hey hon, look,

00:57:00.360 we go out every night or every week. And every time, like you have some negative thing to say

00:57:06.580 about the restaurant. So I'm going to go ahead and let you choose next week because I don't,

00:57:11.380 I don't want to deal with the complaining. Every time I try to take you out and do something nice

00:57:14.780 with you, if it's a one-off thing, it might be she had a really bad day at work and the servers,

00:57:20.620 you know, getting the brunt of it or whatever. Yeah. I don't know. It just depends on what the trend

00:57:25.400 is. But yeah, I think if it's the first date or two, again, if you're a week past it, it's kind

00:57:31.240 of too late. But in the moment I might say, Hey, look, like, are you okay? Because I thought this

00:57:37.380 was a nice place. I wanted to take you out, but you don't seem like, have you had a bad experience

00:57:41.240 here before? Or like, do you not like the food? We can go somewhere else and give her an opportunity 0.81

00:57:46.160 to voice her concern. And if she doesn't do it, then that's on her. Yeah. And if she says,

00:57:51.080 yeah, I don't, I don't like this place because of whatever, it's like, great, let's go somewhere

00:57:53.920 else. Or, Hey, why don't you choose the restaurant next time? I'd be happy to go wherever you'd like

00:57:57.920 to go. I want to make this a nice, a nice date for you too. Yeah. I like it, Ryan, because you're

00:58:05.240 addressing the thing. You're setting the tone. Yeah. Whoa, hold on. You're complaining. I'm not going

00:58:10.800 to be passive in this. You're having an issue. Let's address the issue. That's how I show up in the

00:58:16.300 world. And it kind of sets the tone that you're just not going to let things go unaddressed. And I

00:58:25.360 don't like that a lot. And you're also not being accusatory. Yeah. Right. Cause if you say, Hey,

00:58:31.180 are you okay? Cause you seem like you don't seem like you're happy tonight, either with me or the

00:58:36.480 restaurant or the food, like everything good. Yeah. There's no accusation there. It's actually

00:58:41.540 a issue of concern. Like I'm making sure you're okay. And if she says yes, you know, you have to

00:58:48.020 take her out of word, like, okay, she is okay. You got to be careful of prodding, which I will,

00:58:52.560 I will do like, I will continue to do that. And that's my own insecurity speaking. A lot of the

00:58:56.540 times, like, are you okay? Which is like interpreted to mean more like, are you mad at me? Are you okay

00:59:01.740 with me? Is this okay? Like, give me validation. I, I will do that. I need to be very aware of that.

00:59:06.720 Yeah. Yeah. I see that. All right. Uh, KDB, what advice would you give someone who knows what they

00:59:14.680 need, what needs to be done, but is procrastinating, stepping up and doing it? My first reaction was

00:59:21.460 just do it, but let me give you a better answer. It's daunting when you know what needs to be done.

00:59:28.700 It's so overwhelming. Yeah. When I had to set up a new bank account with some trust information and

00:59:36.200 businesses and things like that, everything I had to do was like, Oh, and I didn't do it for a long

00:59:41.340 time because it was just overwhelming. And then one day I sat down, I'm like, all right, this has to

00:59:47.220 be done. Like, let me sit down. What are the like six things that I need to do? Okay. Well, I need to

00:59:52.040 gather this document. I need to call the bank and schedule an appointment. I need to bring this

00:59:56.880 document in. I need to open this account, close this account, set up this, do this, do this. Okay.

01:00:00.860 So we have like eight things, right? And then I just do the one, just do the first one, which is

01:00:06.760 get the document I needed. Second one, call the bank. Okay. Now you've got some momentum. You're

01:00:12.200 feeling better about it. You've cranked out two of the eight things that need to be done and you just

01:00:16.220 keep working down the list. But for me, breaking it down into smaller actionable steps always helps.

01:00:22.520 I think about it in the analogy of sports. Cause I coach a lot of my kids sports teams. You know,

01:00:26.680 if I take a young, a young kid, a young boy who's never played baseball before, and I give him a

01:00:32.020 bat and I'm like, Hey, I'm going to throw this ball at you and it's going to be scary. And I just want

01:00:35.920 you to swing at it and hit it. And he's never done it before. Hitting a baseball is one of the

01:00:41.560 hardest thing in all of sports. And he's never done it before. How can I expect that this is

01:00:47.040 something he can accomplish? But if I say, okay, here's what we're going to do. Here's how you hold

01:00:52.140 the bat. Here's where your feet go. And here's where you stand. That's all I need you to know

01:00:57.260 right now. So grab your bat and your helmet, stand feet, bat grip placement. Good. Okay. Next we go

01:01:07.440 to tease. Okay. Now let me show you how to hit off a tee. Okay. Then when they get proficient in that,

01:01:12.420 okay, next we're going to do soft toss. So I'm tossing it to him on one knee. They get proficient at that.

01:01:17.180 Okay. Now I'm going to throw it underhand to you. They get proficient in that. Now I'm going to lob

01:01:21.480 one to you overhand, get proficient in that. Now I'm going to throw it a little harder.

01:01:25.320 It's just bite size actions that are manageable for human beings to process. And when it's

01:01:30.760 overwhelming, we can't process. And like any processor, if it has too much data, too much

01:01:36.460 information, too much tasks, it's completing shuts down. That's what we do. I couldn't help, but

01:01:43.340 consider, or perhaps assume that this question might even be rooted in a thing, like not a bunch of

01:01:50.860 tasks, but I need to have this conversation with Ryan and I'm looking forward to it. I know I need

01:01:57.980 to, but I don't want to. If it's one of those kinds of things that need to be done, I would suggest that

01:02:05.840 you are jumping to the conclusion of what you think is going to happen versus sitting with,

01:02:11.860 should it be done? Yes or no. And if the answer is yes, then commit to doing it and the best possible

01:02:20.480 way to do it. Often I think difficult conversations that we don't want to have sometimes or other

01:02:29.620 scenarios, it's because we assume what's going to happen. Well, if I talk to Ryan, I've written this

01:02:34.180 up, then it's going to backfire. It's like, stop. Do I need to talk with Ryan? The question is yes or no.

01:02:39.920 Yes, I do. Okay. How do I do it? What's my concerns? My concern is that he might perceive or

01:02:46.860 look at the situation wrong. Okay. Now I'm going to contrast it. So to contrast that conversation,

01:02:53.680 I would say, Hey, Ryan, need to talk to you with you about something before we get into it though.

01:02:59.200 Here's my concern. I don't want you to take this conversation as me not being appreciative

01:03:06.660 of everything that you've done for me. And that's the last thing I want to happen,

01:03:12.360 but I'm a little fearful of that in bringing this up to you. That's it. You contrast it before it even

01:03:18.280 starts. And then you dive into the question. The other thing, which I probably should have mentioned

01:03:23.240 first is make sure that if this is a conversation or whatever, that you, that you have a story around

01:03:30.980 it, that you're clear on it. You're clear of the story versus the facts. That's the other problem

01:03:37.780 that we often get into. I had this great conversation with a leader yesterday. He was

01:03:43.080 kind of sideways around this whole thing. And I said, Hey, what's the facts? And what are you making

01:03:50.040 up? And he's like, Oh man, I'm making up a bunch of stuff. Yeah. Go into it with the facts. You're

01:03:55.400 making assumptions. And if I'm not clear on that, I might even go into the assumption

01:03:59.720 into the conversation with these assumptions that Ryan is X, Y, Z. And so even my tone is going to

01:04:08.260 reflect that. And that's going to invite Ryan to get on his heels because I'm, I'm approaching the

01:04:15.760 conversation from like an attack mode. Get straight in your head, get straight on the facts versus

01:04:23.040 perception, use contrasting to help mitigate any potential concerns that you have. But most

01:04:29.200 importantly, commit to doesn't need to be done. If it does commit to doing it and then work on the

01:04:34.760 best strategy to do so. Yeah. I also think there's something to be said for going into it with the goal

01:04:40.860 of understanding. So if Kip, I need to have a conversation, maybe a difficult conversation with

01:04:46.720 you, my objective, especially if it's initial conversation is just to help you understand me

01:04:52.160 and for me to understand better where you're coming from. Yeah. And once we have that,

01:04:58.020 then you're gathering data, right? So now you're gathering information and there might just be a

01:05:01.860 misunderstanding. Like we've had that. I remember we've had those where I'm like, Hey man, I did this

01:05:06.740 and I'm sorry. And here's what I was thinking, but I did this. And you're like, Oh yeah, I was a

01:05:10.520 little frustrated, but it's okay. Like cleared the air because I wasn't trying to prove anything. You

01:05:15.920 weren't trying to prove anything. It was just like, Hey, let's just get clear on this. Just a little bit

01:05:19.600 of understanding, no issues. So that's been helpful too. All right, Kip, let's save the rest

01:05:24.660 of the questions. We've got a lot more, I think on Instagram. So let's save those for next week and

01:05:28.420 close out today's conversation. Yeah. Sounds good. So our big call to action gentlemen is the iron

01:05:34.000 council is open for enrollment. It's going to be open for the rest of this month to learn more about

01:05:40.840 the IC or the iron council. Go to order of man.com slash iron council. When you join there, you'll be

01:05:47.980 part of an onboarding process where you're a part of a cohort of individuals preparing to join

01:05:54.120 teams within the IC. Your time is limited. Once again, to learn more, go to order of man.com

01:06:01.480 slash iron council. And as always, you can get your swag from the order of man store. That's order

01:06:07.540 that store.orderofman.com. And of course you can connect with Mr. Mickler on the gram and X at Ryan

01:06:15.240 Mickler. Sweet. Appreciate it, Kip. Guys, great questions. As always, I hope we gave you something

01:06:20.540 to consider. We'll be back Friday for our Friday field notes. Until then, go out there, take action

01:06:25.980 and become the man you are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast.

01:06:31.560 You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.

01:06:35.260 We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - March 20, 2024

Victimhood Culture, Time Management Vs Task Management, and Modern Dating Tips ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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