Victimhood Culture, Time Management Vs Task Management, and Modern Dating Tips ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 6 minutes
Words per Minute
186.91014
Summary
In this episode, the brother and sister duo of the and answer questions from the audience and talk about the rise of violence in our society. We talk about why we are seeing more and more instances of kids getting into fights and bullying, and what we can do about it.
Transcript
00:00:00.000
You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.
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When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.
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You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong.
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This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become.
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At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.
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Kip, what's up, brother? Great to see you for another Ask Me Anything. Tripping all over each other already, man. We're starting off strong here.
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It's good. Always good. We're going to field questions from Instagram today. Always kind of a different audience, yeah?
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I think so. I don't know. We'll see the questions. I went through them really briefly. I was traveling a lot over the past couple of days, and so yesterday I was on the plane after I had posted that, so I didn't really get a good chance to see the questions, so we'll see. We'll see how the audience is over on the gram.
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On the gram. All right. So headlines, you want to kick us off?
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Oh, yeah. I forgot about that for a second. I actually don't have a specific headline. I have a group of headlines, more so a trend, and I don't know if this is something that I see because of my Instagram algorithm and my social media feeds, or if it's more prevalent, or we just see it more because we have access to cameras and videos.
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But I see an insane amount of young people fighting and bullying and just causing mayhem unlike I've ever seen.
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And I'm cautious because I don't want to sound like the quintessential old guy who says, you know, kids these days.
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But I think we're seeing a real problem. I watched a video, I think it was a couple of weeks ago of a brawl between two girls and guys and everybody in the street.
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And this girl, she's 15 years old, got into a fight with another one. And, you know, fighting happens. That takes place. I don't think it happens as often with girls, but we see that more and more often.
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But she smashed her head into the concrete. And I don't have an update on that. I don't know if that girl died or not, but I would not be.
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I knew that, but I didn't know if she passed away or not. But you see that. You see bullying. You see people getting picked on.
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You see these fights taking place. And I just can't help but think that this is a major problem with the degeneracy in society.
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I remember years and years ago, we had Colonel Dave Grossman on and the podcast was or his book was On Killing and On Combat.
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Those are his two most popular books. And we talked about the rise of violence. And I had a bunch of people at the time.
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This was probably maybe five, six years ago say, oh, you know, if you look at the statistics and I don't actually know, maybe I should look into that a little bit more.
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But at least on an anecdotal level, I think we're seeing a rising level of violence than ever before.
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And the reason for that, I have some theories here. When we paint people as victims, certain classes, whether it's based on race or gender or sexual identity or sexual orientation,
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and we paint those individuals as victims, then it gives them the right to, quote unquote, defend and stick up for themselves.
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Because everybody is not just another person. They're a perpetrator of violence against that victim class.
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Not everybody is a victim. There are victims. But I don't think we do genuine victims justice when we paint everybody a victim.
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Based on, again, immutable characteristics. So we have to be very, very careful of that.
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There's also a passivity in society today that allows this to take place.
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I think we live in probably, if we look historically, the safest time in human history.
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The odds of us having to defend ourselves, the odds of us facing a violent encounter,
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are probably significantly lower than they ever have been in the history of humankind.
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That said, we've created this ease of modernity where we can just hug it out and be friends and not have these issues.
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And what it's created is a group of passive, weak, pathetic human beings.
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So when there's actually a person who wants to perpetrate violence against another person,
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nobody knows how to stand up against it because they've never had to confront it.
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They've never had to deal with it and they've never been in that type of situation.
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We have so many anti-bullying campaigns and let's hug it out and let's be friends and can't we all get along?
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And the coexist bumper stickers that you see on everybody's car.
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And yet we continue to see these problems, especially with school-aged children.
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So on the micro, at least in your own situation, get your kids trained up.
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Teach them to protect themselves and other people who can't protect themselves.
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Because the last thing you'd want to do is send your child to school one day and then him or her get into a fight
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and get her head slammed against the road and all of a sudden you get a phone call at 11 o'clock in the morning
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saying your daughter or son is in critical condition fighting for their life.
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And I think it's going to get worse as we continue this degeneracy in society today.
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So obviously we're addressing the greater issues, which is men stepping up as men and being responsible and leading.
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But on the micro, make sure your kids are taken care of.
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Make sure they're trained up and make sure they're aware of what's happening and the risk they're stepping into when they go outside of your house.
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Try this on for thought and let me know what you think.
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But by making words violent, then it allows or it opens up for violence to occur, right?
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So if you and I say, oh, well, if you say rude things to Kip, that's considered violent.
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It then allows me to violently, physically violent, justify my physical violence with your words of violence.
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And it muddies the water of what is violent and what is not.
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I don't think we have enough examples of people disagreeing and arguing.
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And we've almost denormalized it to the extent that if people disagree with each other, it's now this extreme thing.
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And now it's a violent thing versus, no, we just disagree.
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And so people jump to violence because we're not even seeing it as a common thread and that it's okay that you don't agree with people and we don't encourage it enough.
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There's a quote, and I'm going to butcher it here, but it's something like the mark of an intelligent man is his ability to entertain an idea without accepting it.
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If I listen to you, you talked about this on Tucker's interview with Putin.
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I'm curious what makes a person like that tick so that I can make my own decisions in life.
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But I wrote this here as you were talking about the words of violence.
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You know what the interesting thing about it is?
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But also, if you don't say anything, silence is violence.
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Well, okay, what are we training our kids to do?
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To be quiet, to not speak up, to not go out of turn, to not have a thought or an idea that deviates from the doctrine of popular culture.
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And it's no wonder that we have bullies and violent people who just push others around because there's not any righteous people to stand up against it.
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I love that you chose this headline because it's actually perfectly aligned.
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I promise, guys, we didn't discuss this ahead of time to try to, you know, see if we get aligned on our headlines.
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But it's very much in line with the same concept, maybe a different angle.
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So, the headline I snagged this past week that I saw was that Tyson's – this is how the headline read.
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Tyson Foods fires hardworking American employees and instead hires illegal immigrants.
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Now, we could jump all over that and make this soapbox about how that's un-American.
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Because if we moan and complain about how that's unfair to the American person, who is in control?
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Who do you need to rescue you to make sure you save your job?
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And this is the other angle by which we will perpetuate a victim mindset.
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And you mentioned this earlier, Ryan, about, you know, there are victims.
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But by maintaining a victim mindset, you are not in a position of empowerment.
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So, even – I would even say if someone's listening, you're like, well, I was a victim.
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You can continue to relinquish your power over to someone else and continue to be a victim.
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And so, when I hear this headline, I can't help but think of all the Americans that jump onto the – on the victim train going,
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We need a better president to rescue me, to save me, to save my job from it being stolen by illegal immigrants.
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And I would suggest that if we are ever in a position where we are waiting and hoping for someone else to do something for our behalf,
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You're not in a position of empowerment and you will continually be acted upon.
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Now, let me just explain that briefly just to kind of drive this thought home.
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Which means that the next time some illegal group wants to steal your job, what are you going to do?
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Versus you taking ownership and figuring out how do you ensure that you are a valuable asset so much that if another group that is cheaper labor doesn't threaten your job.
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That is how you step into a position of ownership or a position of empowerment.
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I've had this thought and we get this a lot every so often on the podcast around guys that, and I don't know how to have a phrase for it,
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but they're the kind of guys that are like, on paper, Ryan, life's great.
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My kids are healthy, but I just lack something.
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What it is, I would suggest, is that you are living a life of victimhood.
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And your rescuers are just really good at their job.
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And your life is easy peasy and things are going well or whatever, but they're going well, not because of anything or not mostly because of your own actions, but because of other people.
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And because of that, we lack fulfillment, meaning, and purpose when the byproduct of our lives is not through our autonomy and through our own decisions.
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And it doesn't include challenges and difficulties.
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And so we find ourselves, maybe life's going great, but we lack something.
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And I would argue that anyone listening that kind of might feel that way, like on paper, life seems great.
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It's because you're playing small and life is going great because of other people more than it is about you stepping into what you need to do as a man.
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I don't want to jump onto the victim train of illegal immigrants still in American jobs.
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But let's step into a position of empowerment and say, well, what are you going to do about it?
00:13:01.480
And not wait for someone else to do something about it.
00:13:06.760
I mean, so when you said that my blood is boiling a little bit and I'm like wanting to jump in because I don't think it's the victim train.
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I don't think it's the victim train to state the obvious.
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I don't think it's the victim train to ask the government to do explicitly what it's intended to do, to level the playing field, to keep our sovereign country secure and safe and protected.
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One of the major reasons that these organizations can outsource this way is because other countries are cheating.
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They're undercutting prices and then everything gets shipped overseas.
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And I think when you're talking about this, the disclaimer I would put out there is we could start tiptoeing into false dichotomies here.
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Either you can do something about it or you can complain about it.
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Is that we need to be aware of that and be elected into positions of power and authority so we can begin to implement these changes at the state, local, federal levels.
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And also, to your point, focus on the controllables, which is how do I develop a new skill set?
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How do I make myself more valuable in my work environment?
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How do I offer more value to my clientele so that they will not be tempted to do these things?
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You know, and start thinking about what you can do as well.
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And we have to keep in mind, like even from a leadership perspective, I often have two different conversations.
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I might meet with a director and he might be complaining, let's say, around something that the executive suite or the C-suite is doing.
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But I don't go into that conversation saying, you know what, Ryan, I totally agree.
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And then I might leave the conversation going, yeah, Ryan's totally right about those guys.
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And I need to have another conversation with them.
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But I'm not going to just pander to your complaint and go, yeah, you're right, man.
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Let's wait for something to be fixed somewhere else.
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But what are you also going to do about it right now?
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What's within your realm of control and how do you step into a position of empowerment?
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So we're going to have a couple of questions from Facebook and then we'll jump on to the gram.
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Can I say one other thing before we get started?
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When we were talking about righteous people doing righteous things, I think this applies
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And I made a note here is that righteousness is only righteousness in action.
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You can't exclusively think about being righteous without acting upon it because that isn't the
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So, for example, if you think to yourself, well, I'm a good person.
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Okay, show me what charities you've donated to, what organizations you've contributed to.
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How much money you've given, what time have you given.
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If you just say, hey, I care about people, that doesn't mean anything.
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What is actually righteous is you going to do something about it.
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So, in the same thing in your context, if you're just complaining about it, you might
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But if that's all you're doing, you're not being a righteous man.
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And that's how you know this person is truly strong or capable or good or moral or principled
00:17:08.600
In fact, I got on a soapbox yesterday at church, actually, around the same subject, that sometimes
00:17:17.380
we will latch onto our beliefs and we're like, well, it's what you believe.
00:17:22.500
And you're like, if it's true, it shows up on the day-to-day.
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And if it doesn't show up in the day-to-day, you have to question yourself, is it true or
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is it just a complaint or it's just language or it's just a facade?
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And if it's not driving action, you have to question that.
00:17:46.600
Well, my girlfriend and I were talking over last week and she had said something.
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I can't remember how we got talking about it, but she had said, you know, it's interesting
00:17:57.620
to see people who say they're fit and they're eating right and they've got all their diet
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and nutrition locked in and they're working out.
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And then you look at them and they're 50 pounds overweight.
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It's like, okay, well, where's the discrepancy?
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Then you're not good with your money and it's fine for now, but don't let it continue to
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So sometimes you may have dug yourself into a hole from a health perspective or a financial
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perspective, but I should be able to see progress from last month to this month.
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And if I don't, then you should be questioning it.
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But Facebook, that's facebook.com slash group slash order of man.
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If you want to join us there, Joshua Chambers, I find myself struggling to plan out my days.
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I've experimented with time blocking, but then feel like my whole day gets filled with
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tasks and no time to take a break or a breath, I should say.
00:19:01.340
But when I try to plan my day with objectives, I find that I never change or never managed to
00:19:07.560
complete all the things because of time management.
00:19:13.140
I've always been in a disorganized person and I really want to make sure I can plan out my days
00:19:19.640
effectively to get the most done without also feeling like my every day is nothing but lists.
00:19:24.660
Yeah, well, I operate best under lists, so I don't really like totally resonate with the question, but we can answer it in the spirit in which it's asked.
00:19:36.860
I think it might be a task management issue just based on the limited information I'm getting from you because it sounds like you're kicking ass.
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I'm doing everything and I don't have enough time.
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And like, you know, I don't have a time to take a break or if I do take a break, I don't get enough done.
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It sounds like you're pretty motivated to get it done.
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You're not going to hear that often, but I think you might be doing too much of the wrong thing.
00:20:05.080
So I've got my task list because I operate on lists.
00:20:07.100
So I've got my battle planner here in my hand and what I'll do is I'll look at my objectives and what I need to accomplish and then I'll break it down into tasks that I need to complete on a, on a daily basis.
00:20:18.740
And Kip, when you messaged me, you were running a little bit late for the podcast today.
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And so I could have taken 10 minutes and, you know, jumped on Facebook or social media or, you know, done whatever it is I was going to do.
00:20:33.120
So instead I jumped to my task list and I said, what can I get done in 10 minutes?
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And I've been gone for the past couple of weeks and, uh, I've, I've got really behind on emails.
00:20:44.100
So I cranked out about 70 emails in 10 minutes.
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Some of them were spam, some of them auto responses, some of them just, you know, just a quick yes or no, or thank you.
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And I, I went through about 70 emails in that timeframe because I have a list.
00:20:59.260
I do like the idea of planning in breaks because you need those breaks and you can take those breaks, not in the middle of tasks, but once you complete a task, because if you do in the middle of tasks, you're going to lose more time because when you wind down to, let's say, go to the bathroom and you come back, you don't just come back to where you were.
00:21:20.980
You have to get back into the rhythm and it takes longer to get started back up.
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So take your breaks after tasks are complete or at a good stopping point anyways, before you start a new task.
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I think the best thing that you can do is prioritize what needs to get done and know that not everything's going to get accomplished.
00:21:41.860
I don't know that I've ever completed any, everything on my to-do list in a day.
00:21:48.620
If I have, it's, it's very rare, but what I do is I roll it over to the next day and something else might take precedent between.
00:21:54.860
I mean, five o'clock tonight and five o'clock tomorrow morning, I plug it in and I reprioritize every day.
00:22:00.780
In fact, I'm prioritizing when I'm done with a task, when I'm done with this podcast with you, Kip, something else might come up in the hour that we're talking and that might need my attention.
00:22:11.380
And so I'll plug that into the list of things that I need to accomplish.
00:22:16.140
But I, I've, I'm on this kick of just not burning myself out.
00:22:21.660
You know, I, you can see this in the gym a lot.
00:22:25.000
You'll see a guy who hasn't been to the gym for a while and he'll go in and he'll just bust his ass for like a week.
00:22:38.540
And then week two comes around and he's not there.
00:22:40.840
I'd rather you go three days this week and go three days next week and the next week and the next week, then five or seven or two times a day for five.
00:22:52.620
And then not at all for the next three weeks, keep yourself in the game, gentlemen.
00:22:59.540
We talked about that either last week or the week before pace yourself.
00:23:05.000
And a lot of guys that feel like they're overwhelmed, this is the power of prioritizing and executing.
00:23:35.000
Not applicable to you, Josh, so don't get upset at me.
00:23:39.280
But I love this quote that roughly says something to the extent that stop saying you have a time
00:23:51.980
The problem is you're not doing the work that easy it does.
00:23:58.280
That we actually have a self-discipline problem and it's really not time management.
00:24:03.300
Now, Josh, it sounds like you have the opposite or it sounds like you're over burning yourself
00:24:07.260
and you get burnt out and then you have this unhealthy relationship with lists because you're
00:24:13.520
I, my whole life's driven by lists because you, you probably didn't give yourself enough
00:24:22.920
But for a lot of people, we're talking about a self-discipline problem.
00:24:30.960
I wrote this down is why, why do I make a thousand dollars an hour?
00:24:33.940
And Elon Musk makes a hundred thousand an hour.
00:24:46.140
We were not, that's not what I'm talking about.
00:24:49.860
He's doing more valuable things as the market dictates.
00:24:53.180
Is that the only metric of value in a man's life?
00:24:55.640
No, but it's the one we're looking at right now.
00:24:58.640
So if you want to be more productive, then do more valuable things.
00:25:02.340
And so to your point about prioritization, what is the most valuable thing for you to
00:25:11.640
Sometimes that's actually putting together a plan.
00:25:16.360
You know, you need to go train on how to be a better salesman, for example, but you always
00:25:20.740
need to be looking at what is going to increase your productivity in the same amount of time
00:25:26.580
that it did prior to you getting that training or taking that action.
00:25:30.960
Bob Ross, I find my son, seven years, seven years old, likes to question me more and push
00:25:41.440
He often refers to me as the strongest man in the world.
00:25:44.240
And I feel like he's pushing boundaries in his way of trying to grow into his own man.
00:25:49.820
But there are times that it becomes very frustrating to me.
00:25:53.120
My wife feels this is typical and is to be expected as he attempts to grow into a young man.
00:25:58.900
And if so, how do you keep your calm and guide him in the right direction?
00:26:04.880
I learned this in talking about sales training.
00:26:07.980
The person asking the question is the one who's in control of the conversation.
00:26:14.280
So if he's asking you questions, he's in control of the conversation.
00:26:35.800
I don't know what kind of questions he's asking, but that's a good thing.
00:26:39.020
And the fact that he's trying to push back a little bit or find his own way, even at seven
00:26:47.340
I've done that in the past with my oldest in particular.
00:26:50.700
But the more I just let go of that a little bit and let them be their own personality,
00:26:56.180
And I think the more creative and exploratory that, that my children are.
00:27:01.440
And I like it, you know, I appreciate that all of my kids are different and have different
00:27:05.000
personalities and don't see things the same way that I do.
00:27:08.040
But the best way to answer a question in these cases is with another question.
00:27:15.740
Like there's a point where it becomes obnoxious and it's just manipulation.
00:27:20.540
But if he's asking you a question about, um, you know, what, why, I don't even know, uh,
00:27:27.720
why you're working out the way that you, what would even be a question?
00:27:30.960
What's a good example of a question you think you might ask?
00:27:37.060
Um, yeah, my, my daughters in their new school, they're like in a private school and I was
00:27:45.460
I'm like the drawback of that school is they've gotten really good at debating, which comes
00:28:00.380
I have pictures all over the house of this random dog that she wants softening me up,
00:28:06.780
These cute photos of this, of this puppy writes a multi-page report of the benefits of having
00:28:18.480
She's pulling stats from online about my longevity.
00:28:25.980
If, if we have two dogs versus one, like she's working angles all over the place, talking to
00:28:34.120
My other daughter built a PowerPoint presentation.
00:28:36.880
I had to come home and watch this presentation about her getting a phone, right?
00:28:47.800
And, and see it as a form of disrespect, but look at what they're doing.
00:28:55.160
They're trying to debate back to your point earlier.
00:29:03.740
They're dis, they're highly disagreeing with me and they're using logic and coercion to
00:29:13.040
Just say they're highly, say they're highly disagreeing, say they're highly disagreeing
00:29:20.000
And if I look at the root of it, what an amazing skill that they're developing.
00:29:24.780
So the only reason that it's frustrating is because of my ego.
00:29:30.760
I don't want to be challenged and I don't want to have to deal with telling them no.
00:29:39.220
In the grand scheme of things, we should all hope that our kids are being a little bit more
00:29:44.700
disagreeable in society today and that they're logically processing ways to get their, their
00:29:52.100
What an amazing thing, but it's a pain in the butt.
00:29:59.940
And that's, that's an interesting thing too, is I think it's okay to explain it.
00:30:05.400
I don't, I don't like the, because I said so mentality, but if you explain, Hey, Hey,
00:30:10.040
look, hon, like I appreciate everything that you've done.
00:30:12.260
I admire all that information that you've put together.
00:30:15.080
But at the end of the day, I have to make decisions on based on what I think is the head
00:30:22.340
And so we're not going to be getting a dog for these reasons, but I appreciate all of
00:30:28.040
that effort and work and I appreciate the healthy discussion and I appreciate what you've
00:30:40.600
We're going to go jump over to the gram, uh, to follow, uh, Ryan on Instagram.
00:30:46.680
I always love Instagram because these names are all like whack Chabo one-on-one, whatever
00:30:54.120
Like they're probably like slaying naughty words or whatever, but, uh, whatever.
00:31:04.900
I didn't know they were free by the way, um, about finding me, finding things and doing
00:31:11.820
And I did, my life has been changing and I don't really know where I'm going, but it's
00:31:17.160
definitely getting better than where, what, where I was.
00:31:21.500
So I just thought that was a, a little nice to add.
00:31:30.780
Jaw logger 81 dating after divorce, the good, the bad, the ugly about it.
00:31:36.820
Married 20 years and now starting over best places and things to do.
00:31:43.420
I, I've had, I've had a good experience dating.
00:31:50.060
And so, but, but even prior to that, I, I enjoyed dating.
00:31:53.880
I didn't put a whole lot of expectation on anything.
00:31:59.900
I, I just, just wanted to date and I had a really good experience.
00:32:13.940
I've heard some crazy, crazy stories about guys who are anything but normal.
00:32:21.580
Um, so yeah, I think the best thing that you can do if you want to get back into the dating
00:32:26.120
market is online dating to me is, is the way to go.
00:32:30.480
Obviously you need to learn how to interact with attractive women face to face as well.
00:32:35.200
So what I would suggest is to look for ways to engage with women in non-threatening environments.
00:32:43.580
So at work, you know, that attractive woman who works down the hall, try to engage her,
00:32:49.920
If you get on the elevator and a woman walks in, like think of something that you can say
00:32:57.260
Now I'm not saying you're going to get a date or even want a date.
00:33:01.760
If you're at the grocery store and you're at the same aisle as a woman or the cashier
00:33:06.920
or talk to her, like try to get her to laugh, try to have a conversation with her.
00:33:11.460
The more that you practice that in non-risky, non-threatening environments, the better you
00:33:16.840
will be able to communicate when you do have a date or you do find somebody who's attractive
00:33:21.920
that you actually would like to potentially date.
00:33:25.460
So I think, and by the way, don't just do it with women.
00:33:30.900
If you can strike up conversations, you're 99% ahead of anybody else.
00:33:37.780
And so I was coming back from our hunt yesterday and a woman got on the elevator and we had
00:33:45.740
She started asking about what I was doing with the cooler and hunt.
00:33:48.580
She started asking me and my son questions because we're able to strike up a conversation.
00:33:53.820
Like the better you get at that, the better off you'll be.
00:33:56.420
So that's what I would do in the real world, real world.
00:33:58.960
In the digital world, get a good picture taken, like hire a photographer and get some lifestyle
00:34:08.460
Don't just do the one in the bathroom or like whatever, like this, like present yourself
00:34:17.300
If you're serious about it, put your best foot forward.
00:34:19.880
So hire a photographer or look for good pictures or ask other women in your life who you're
00:34:33.640
That one's a bad angle, but those two look really good.
00:34:36.180
And then use the two that she suggested set up a good profile.
00:34:39.820
And then here's the biggest thing with online dating.
00:34:42.480
I would say, and this is something I hear a lot is guys just, they don't, they don't
00:34:47.540
know how to land the date because they don't ever ask for it.
00:34:51.200
So they'll, they'll get on the app and they'll just talk to a woman for days and weeks at a
00:34:57.900
It's like, bro, the point is to get a date, like stop revealing all of your life's experiences
00:35:06.200
Like just get to the point where you can get a date.
00:35:09.120
And the beautiful thing about online dating is that's what you're there to do.
00:35:19.220
So all you have to do is say, Hey, you know, I'd like to take you out.
00:35:22.860
And then what I would suggest on the taking out is you come up with a plan and let her say
00:35:27.480
no, if she's not interested, but don't, don't ever, ever say, Hey, you know, I'd like to
00:35:43.040
She's making decisions all day anyways, at work or at home or with her kids.
00:35:47.540
And now you're asking her to make another decision.
00:35:50.940
A man says, Hey, I'd like to take you out Friday.
00:35:53.020
There's this new restaurant I want to take you to, or there's this cool concert that, you know,
00:35:58.260
You said you really liked in our texts that they're actually playing, uh, you know, tonight,
00:36:03.000
whatever, like make a date, plan it and be assertive.
00:36:07.660
And you know, whether you go pick her up or meet her there, I don't know.
00:36:11.260
Like I would suggest, again, I think it's different depending on maybe where you live, but I like
00:36:16.880
picking a woman up for a date that maybe I'm just more traditional.
00:36:20.500
And so I would say that I'd like to pick you up, but if you'd rather meet, I understand.
00:36:25.840
I'll let them make that decision, but I plan it.
00:36:28.080
And if they don't want to do it, then they can tell me, but I plan it on something that
00:36:31.460
I think they would like based on the conversations we've had leading up to that point.
00:36:38.980
Maybe share a little bit about guys looking at dating from a more of a desperate perspective
00:36:44.460
and looking for something and, and what kind of mindset would be beneficial.
00:36:48.820
Well, I mean, you can find that too, if you want it.
00:36:51.340
I mean, if, if you just want to go out there and get laid, you know, there's apps, Tinder
00:36:58.620
You know, I, I don't think that's a healthy way to approach it, but you know, who am I to
00:37:05.260
Uh, I think the mindset is don't go into a date.
00:37:09.120
If you're looking for an actual date with somebody to build, build and develop relationship,
00:37:12.980
I wouldn't go in with expectations of, of anything.
00:37:15.960
You know, if you're, if you're going to take a woman out, don't expect that she's your
00:37:22.440
Don't expect that you're going to get lucky tonight.
00:37:24.560
Just don't expect any of that because what ends up happening is you put so much pressure
00:37:29.140
on yourself to perform that it just comes across as, as desperate to your point.
00:37:35.660
So instead of that, the expectation should be, I think to enjoy her company.
00:37:44.420
And I went on, I went on a handful of dates where, you know, I enjoyed it, but it, that's
00:37:50.640
Don't no attraction, no desire to have a followup date.
00:37:53.940
Um, but there wasn't any weird sense of expectation or obligation.
00:37:57.240
And so, um, you know, I said, I said goodbye after dinner.
00:38:00.660
And that's another thing is don't plan out everything.
00:38:02.940
Just plan out dinner because I don't want to be trapped all night long with somebody that
00:38:16.440
Uh, and then afterwards, you know, a day or two later, I would, I would even with the
00:38:20.640
women that I dated that I didn't feel like there was any connection.
00:38:24.600
I said, Hey, look, really appreciate it going out with you.
00:38:28.080
I didn't feel the connection that I was looking for, but I appreciated our time together and
00:38:35.540
I mean, I didn't have, I didn't have, and it wasn't a lot.
00:38:38.320
There's maybe, you know, three or four, but I didn't have anybody like get mad that I
00:38:42.880
said, no, they're like, Oh, thank you for telling me.
00:38:45.120
I had a couple of them said, yeah, I felt the same way.
00:38:50.880
So yeah, I think having the right mindset is obviously you're going to, the ironic thing
00:38:55.760
is, is you're more likely to get what you want when you don't act like you want it.
00:39:03.100
Um, yeah, there is one other thing I would say about it.
00:39:06.640
A lot of guys will say, Oh, dating in the modern world sucks because women are different.
00:39:11.400
I think, yeah, women can be different, but also the amount of men who take initiative,
00:39:17.280
who are assertive, who are strong and capable and want to lead like men are so few and far
00:39:23.220
between that if you do those things, you are really going to stand out as somebody that
00:39:29.820
she at least at a minimum respects, maybe not any further than that, you know, that's
00:39:36.520
to be determined, but at least she respects that.
00:39:43.380
Why are there so many men posting about broken relationships in or in the order of man Facebook
00:39:48.220
group and equally as many telling the poster to lead the women because she must be cheating.
00:39:54.980
He says, I eventually left the group because it was so repetitive.
00:39:58.520
I, I actually like this conversation because I think there's a lot that you can share Ryan
00:40:03.400
around maybe why we see so many broken relationships, but also the role that men play with one another,
00:40:10.260
you know, and, and the idea that by default, a lot of these guys are kind of like, dude,
00:40:15.720
she must be cheating on you and just exit. Right. And some of the, maybe the pros and cons
00:40:20.580
of, of those kinds of interactions that we see on the, on the Facebook group.
00:40:24.960
Yeah. I mean, I've even asked questions. Somebody will say, Hey, I'm having a hard time with my
00:40:28.660
wife and this is what's going on. And I think she's seen another guy. And I'll ask a question
00:40:32.380
like, why do you think that? Or if she is what, like what, what drove her away? I'll say things
00:40:38.180
like that. And guys are like, what does it, doesn't matter. Doesn't even matter. Like,
00:40:42.160
what would you even ask? I'm like, calm down. Yeah. Like take a breath for a second. Okay.
00:40:48.440
Like clearly you've been cheated on and now you're projecting all over this guy. Just calm down.
00:40:54.420
We're just asking questions to get to the root of the problem. We're just exploring. And that's,
00:41:00.020
that's one of the greatest problems with social media is everybody just wants to rush in and give
00:41:05.060
their answer and appear smart and come in and be the hero. Like maybe she's cheating. I don't know.
00:41:12.160
All that. The only information I have is the five sentences this guy wrote on Facebook. Like,
00:41:18.700
I don't know what's going on. I want to be helpful. And so I'm going to ask a few questions to try to
00:41:23.520
get to the bottom of it and see if there's anything we can do about it. Yeah. There are a lot of broken
00:41:27.520
relationships. You know, I came out of one. And so that's something that I have dealt with. And so a
00:41:34.380
lot of guys are dealing with that. And clearly when people are struggling, that's when they're going to
00:41:39.660
reach out for help. Like nobody's guys aren't going to reach out in a Facebook group when
00:41:44.400
everything's going well, it's just right. So you're already, you're already, it's a little bit
00:41:50.640
of confirmation bias. Yeah. It's people are there because they're struggling and because they're
00:41:56.340
struggling, they're going to ask questions with regards to what they're struggling with. It's
00:41:59.900
relationships, money, fitness, all the things that we address and talk about on a daily basis,
00:42:04.400
because they're things that guys are struggling with. When things are going well, nobody's jumping
00:42:09.620
into a men's Facebook group about how to improve their lives. They're locked. So we've already got
00:42:15.600
a bit of bias in the, in the data, right? So that's part of it. As far as why guys rush in
00:42:22.880
to say things like that, it's because they're projecting. They're hurt, they're damaged,
00:42:29.240
they're taking their experience and projecting it onto somebody else. Now, in some cases,
00:42:33.600
they might be right. And so we need to weigh and consider. And in other cases, they're just
00:42:39.720
absolutely wrong. So you need to weigh and consider. But I see a lot of guys who get hurt
00:42:45.060
in isolated situations with relationships, for example, maybe they get stepped out on.
00:42:50.460
And all of a sudden, every woman is a bitch. Every woman is a gold digger. Every woman just,
00:42:56.260
you know, is going to love you and leave you. Every woman's always looking for the next dude to lay
00:42:59.700
with. Like all, all women are like that because you were with one that was like that. I don't think
00:43:06.880
all women are like that. I think there are women like that. I think there are men like that, but I
00:43:10.760
don't think all men are like that. I don't think all women are like that. So each individual case
00:43:15.440
is a different scenario, which is why we ask questions because we need to really figure out
00:43:22.160
if this is what's going on or not. So discernment, I guess, is the answer. Exercise some discernment.
00:43:29.480
You know, if somebody says, oh, she's a bitch, she's cheating on you. Exercise some discernment.
00:43:36.360
It gives the guy right. He might be right based on the evidence. Let's look into it. Yeah. Might be
00:43:41.380
wrong. Well, and there's a, there's a level of rescuing that might occur there as well.
00:43:47.260
So what I like about your example of the question of like, well, why do you think that that is helping
00:43:53.580
him self-evaluate and work through possible considerations for himself that will coach and
00:44:03.060
help someone way better, even if you're right. And you could jump to the conclusion of like,
00:44:08.880
oh, she's cheating. That's why. And just move on. Who didn't learn as much in that circumstance?
00:44:13.780
The person that you just gave the answer to. So ask the question, help them self-evaluate and
00:44:20.420
look through the process. There's more growth. That's the coaching is around helping the individual,
00:44:28.140
not just giving them the answer, right? There's a, there's a level of teaching how to fish versus
00:44:33.360
giving them fish in how we interact with people when they're struggling. And that's what I saw.
00:44:38.980
Well, one question, well, and one question we get quite often is something like this. My wife
00:44:46.080
cheated on me. She admitted to cheating on me and I'm broken. I'm devastated. I'm heartbroken.
00:44:53.540
Obviously, of course. Yeah. And I don't know what to do. What do you get? What do you guys think I
00:44:58.440
should do? I can't answer that question. Who, who am I to tell you what to do? I, I know men,
00:45:04.820
close personal friends in my life who have been cheated on and have left. And I have close personal
00:45:13.080
friends who have been cheated on, who have stayed and they have good marriages now. I can't tell you.
00:45:18.980
So in that instance, I might say something like, well, what do you think you should do and why?
00:45:25.260
And I'll have guys who would jump in and be like, it doesn't matter. She cheated. It's like,
00:45:29.700
that's your life, buddy. That's your decision. This guy's decision might be something else. Let's
00:45:35.860
help him. Okay. We don't know all the facts. We want to see if he can come to his own conclusions.
00:45:41.600
And a lot of the times they do. They're like, yeah, well, I think I, I think at a minimum,
00:45:45.400
I should, you know, take a break or whatever. Right. Okay, good. Why do you think that? Let,
00:45:50.180
to your point, let them work through the process. And some guys will say, well, if you didn't,
00:45:54.200
if you knew the answer, he wouldn't be asking. I didn't say he knew the answer. I said,
00:45:59.140
what do you think you should do? I don't think he knows the answer unequivocally. I think he's
00:46:04.840
trying to work through it and I'm trying to assist him in that path. And don't let him be lazy by
00:46:10.620
giving him the answer. Cause that's the other thing is that we know this. Some guys want you
00:46:16.020
to tell them the answer. Why? Because they don't want to think critically. Well, guess what? There's
00:46:19.980
no growth in that. So don't give them the answer. Well, and have you ever been wrong? Somebody comes
00:46:25.660
back to you and says, well, you told me to do that. Yeah. What are you five? You're a grown
00:46:33.640
ass man. Make your own decisions. Yeah, totally. All right. Captain McClain, dude, this dude like
00:46:40.020
threw in like 40 questions. So I grabbed the best one. I saw that. Yeah. I think, I think this is the
00:46:46.020
best one. When was the last time you lost your anger? And what do you, what did you learn after
00:46:52.900
reflection? Put you on the spot. It's actually been a long, no, I know. I'm trying to think
00:46:58.900
the last time I've, I lost my anger or, or got angry. Is that lost my temper? Is that what you
00:47:04.840
said? Yeah. Lost your temper. Temper. Yeah. Um, I don't, maybe that's a spectrum in itself,
00:47:10.880
right? Like, cause if you're struggling with last time, I'm like, Oh, what's your level of anger
00:47:15.040
that you're going for here? Yeah. You know, I will say this. I get impatient and frustrated with my
00:47:20.900
kids at times, but the common theme with that is usually when I'm stressed or pressed for time.
00:47:27.680
Yeah. I get, I get impatient. I get temperamental, I get snappy. And so I have to be really aware of
00:47:33.060
how I use my time when I'm with them. Cause I'm with them half the time. So when I'm with them,
00:47:38.100
um, I shouldn't be working and other things that are keeping me distracted or stressed out,
00:47:41.960
try to get all my work done. So when I'm there, I'm fully present. It's when I'm pressed for time
00:47:45.640
or stressed, I'll snap at my kids. I wouldn't say I lose my temper, but I might say like,
00:47:51.760
I might be a little bit more harsh in my delivery of certain things. Right. But it's actually been a
00:47:56.940
long time. I mean, maybe a year, year and a half. I'll tell you what, when I was drinking heavy,
00:48:02.420
I would lose my temper. But when I stopped drinking, a lot of that went away. And I've done a lot of work
00:48:09.500
too on myself in, you actually come to mind a lot when situations happen that I don't like,
00:48:18.000
or I'm not comfortable with. I asked myself, because you suggest this, what am I making this
00:48:24.400
mean? And so I get mad about something or frustrated, or I feel slighted about something.
00:48:29.520
And then I hear your voice. What are you making this mean? Cause you're making up a story.
00:48:34.560
It might be right, but it might be wrong. So let's not jump to conclusions and paint the worst
00:48:40.060
possible scenario and think that that person's trying to slightly slight you or trying to get
00:48:45.400
you or whatever. Yeah. That has been really, really valuable. And then, and then just understanding
00:48:51.840
like, what is my objective, right? If, if for, with my kids, for example, if I lose my temper with my
00:48:57.760
kids, does that serve my objective? Well, my objective is to connect, like form deep connections with my
00:49:03.660
kids. So I can help them grow into self-sustaining adults. Like that's what I want. So does yelling
00:49:09.740
at them achieve that objective? No, it undermines it. You know, if we're talking about my girlfriend
00:49:17.380
and I, my objective is to build a healthy, loving relationship with her. If I lose my cool or lose
00:49:26.620
my patience or snap at her or yell at her, does that help develop and build the loving relationship
00:49:33.200
that I want? No, it hinders it. So I'm always trying to keep in mind, like, what is my ultimate
00:49:38.120
objective and what is the best way to make that happen? And it's certainly not losing my temper.
00:49:43.380
Yeah. So I'm sorry, I can't give you a specific example. It's just been a really long time,
00:49:47.060
which is actually kind of nice to think about. Yeah, man. I, um, I don't know if I really lose my,
00:49:53.920
I mean, I'll get snippy and yell at kids and stuff. Um, yeah. Random kids or yeah. Any kid walking
00:50:01.600
by just like, I just yell at kids. Hey kid, come here. Um, at nighttime, before we go to bed,
00:50:11.600
we'll say best thing, worst thing. And I've, I've convinced the kids kind of that we don't say
00:50:19.680
worst thing. We say lessons learned. So what's the best thing about your day? And what's something
00:50:26.020
you learn today? Cause the learn thing is usually the worst thing, you know, it's like this bad thing
00:50:31.520
happened. Okay, great. What did you learn about it? And for a while there, the five-year-old was
00:50:38.180
constantly like best thing today. And my worst thing, dad got mad at me. And he would say it a
00:50:46.200
lot. Dad got mad at me. Dad got mad at me. Dad yelled at me. And at first I would reply like, no,
00:50:54.460
I didn't. And I'd argue with him. And I was like, that's his interpretation. All right. That's his
00:51:02.520
reality. His reality is I'm mad at him. Period. Whether I was or not, that's his world. And I'm
00:51:12.140
like, you know, it's got to change. And most importantly, that he would hold onto that. And
00:51:18.460
when he reflected on his day, the worst part about his day was me. Right. So luckily I can say,
00:51:29.400
I'm going to report back. He hasn't said that for a long time. It's been awesome. It's probably been
00:51:34.500
three weeks or even longer than he said. Now, every so often I'll get a dad got mad at me today.
00:51:41.400
Um, but it's usually a result of me multitasking. I'm trying to do something. I'm trying to do email.
00:51:52.240
I'm trying to get something else done. And I'm trying to be a present father at the same time.
00:52:00.460
And I don't know why I keep trying that sometimes because that shit never works ever.
00:52:05.760
Um, but it's usually a result of me multitasking versus being clear to my objective, which I really
00:52:13.620
like that, Ryan, like what's my objective here. And, uh, me multitasking usually is out of alignment
00:52:20.540
with what I'm trying to accomplish as a, as a father usually. Yeah. Now I can also say I've gotten
00:52:26.660
better at apologizing. So I will go out of my way and grab my son. And I usually make it fairly quick
00:52:33.360
and have him come back to my room or whatever. So on the couch, make eye contact with me and I'll
00:52:38.240
apologize. Say, and not a, I was mad at you because you, none of that. Hey, I overreacted.
00:52:44.760
I shouldn't have been mean that wasn't right. I'm sorry. And just leave it as that no story,
00:52:51.960
right. But in my apology to him. Yeah. No, that's awesome. You know, the other thing I was thinking is
00:52:57.060
that in each of these moments, you know, we could blow it. We can keep it neutral or we can improve
00:53:03.160
the relationship. And, and I, and I've tried to focus a little bit more heavily lately on what
00:53:09.720
opportunity is being presented here. And so when I was, when I was drinking heavy, like my kids did
00:53:16.180
not like me, I thought they did. And I thought for the most part, they did. I thought things were good,
00:53:19.880
but like in talking with them and, and looking at the way I was showing up, they, they, they had a hard
00:53:25.440
time. And so there's been over the past year and a half to two years, there's been a lot of rebuilding
00:53:29.720
in the relationships. Um, and there's been moments and I can't think of a specific, but there's been
00:53:35.780
moments where there might be some contention or frustration on my part with something. And I can
00:53:42.080
get frustrated. I can blow up or I can ignore it or whatever. Or I can say, well, here's an opportunity
00:53:46.420
for me to show them that two years ago, I would have done this, but in the exact same scenario today,
00:53:54.280
whoa, look how dad just handled that. And that says something about me, which builds the relationship.
00:54:00.720
Another example is, uh, about a week ago, uh, my girlfriend and I went hunting. I think I talked
00:54:05.960
a little bit about that along the way back. We, we had a, we had, we had some friction. I'll say it
00:54:13.220
that way. We had some friction and, uh, it wasn't, it was, it actually worked out. Like it was tense for a
00:54:19.980
little bit there, but I could have blown up. I was dealing with my own personal stuff. She was
00:54:24.420
and then just conflict. I could have blown up. I could have got frustrated. I could have said
00:54:28.860
things. She could have said things like there could have, it could have been way worse.
00:54:33.700
Instead, we both took a break, took a breather, you know, the next morning it was fine. Like it was
00:54:38.920
fine. We talked about it, had a good conversation about it. We're honest with each other about what was
00:54:44.420
going on. And we laugh about like now we're laughing about it. It was a week ago. We laugh about it
00:54:49.400
because it was kind of silly, but it was real in the moment. Yeah. But it was an opportunity to
00:54:54.660
forge a better relationship. I think the relationship is better because of how we
00:54:59.280
handled that scenario. It could have gone way worse. So I, I, I think these things are opportunities.
00:55:05.100
Yeah. I love that. All right. Let's take one or two more Kip and then close things out. Okay.
00:55:09.700
Okay. Sounds good. Kevin Davis. How do you establish boundaries earlier on in dating relationships?
00:55:16.560
Recently, I went on several dates with a woman, uh, on one of the dates. She said she wanted to go
00:55:22.800
to a sit down restaurant, uh, asked her what kind of food she liked. She said she would be okay with
00:55:27.060
any restaurant. I took her to the middle of the road restaurant, similar to cheesecake factory.
00:55:31.520
When we got there, she immediately complained about it. Although it had a menu with many food options
00:55:37.380
and good service. Both of us work middle-class jobs. And this was a restaurant that many middle-class
00:55:42.340
folks dine at, how would you communicate to your date that you find the behavior unacceptable,
00:55:48.340
especially when she asked for your input prior to the date?
00:55:52.340
Yeah. I mean, it depends on how long ago this was. If it was long ago, I think you're past the
00:55:56.420
point of discussing it. Cause yeah. Yeah. But in the moment I, if, if, if I was taking a woman on a
00:56:03.420
date and this was like our second date and she was complaining, she said, I'm interested in her.
00:56:07.780
I want, and you chose something and she's like, this is crap. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know
00:56:13.440
that she said, we don't know what complaining is. We don't know what she said. So, but let's say
00:56:17.900
she's complaining. I might say to her, if this is early on, say, Hey, look, you, you asked me to
00:56:23.100
choose something. I chose something. Is there something else that you'd prefer? I'd be happy
00:56:28.180
to take you there tonight. And if she says no, then say, Oh, okay. I, it just seemed like maybe
00:56:32.240
you weren't excited about this because you, you seem like you're complaining about it.
00:56:37.640
Like, why wouldn't you say that? Yeah. Like if I'm going to take you out, I'm going to pay
00:56:42.760
and you're going to complain about it, especially on the first date or two. No, no way. If it's a
00:56:49.660
little bit further along in the relationship, then you can look, is this a trend? If it's a trend,
00:56:55.320
you need to nip it. Yeah. Right. You need to nip it. And you need to say, Hey hon, look,
00:57:00.360
we go out every night or every week. And every time, like you have some negative thing to say
00:57:06.580
about the restaurant. So I'm going to go ahead and let you choose next week because I don't,
00:57:11.380
I don't want to deal with the complaining. Every time I try to take you out and do something nice
00:57:14.780
with you, if it's a one-off thing, it might be she had a really bad day at work and the servers,
00:57:20.620
you know, getting the brunt of it or whatever. Yeah. I don't know. It just depends on what the trend
00:57:25.400
is. But yeah, I think if it's the first date or two, again, if you're a week past it, it's kind
00:57:31.240
of too late. But in the moment I might say, Hey, look, like, are you okay? Because I thought this
00:57:37.380
was a nice place. I wanted to take you out, but you don't seem like, have you had a bad experience
00:57:41.240
here before? Or like, do you not like the food? We can go somewhere else and give her an opportunity
00:57:46.160
to voice her concern. And if she doesn't do it, then that's on her. Yeah. And if she says,
00:57:51.080
yeah, I don't, I don't like this place because of whatever, it's like, great, let's go somewhere
00:57:53.920
else. Or, Hey, why don't you choose the restaurant next time? I'd be happy to go wherever you'd like
00:57:57.920
to go. I want to make this a nice, a nice date for you too. Yeah. I like it, Ryan, because you're
00:58:05.240
addressing the thing. You're setting the tone. Yeah. Whoa, hold on. You're complaining. I'm not going
00:58:10.800
to be passive in this. You're having an issue. Let's address the issue. That's how I show up in the
00:58:16.300
world. And it kind of sets the tone that you're just not going to let things go unaddressed. And I
00:58:25.360
don't like that a lot. And you're also not being accusatory. Yeah. Right. Cause if you say, Hey,
00:58:31.180
are you okay? Cause you seem like you don't seem like you're happy tonight, either with me or the
00:58:36.480
restaurant or the food, like everything good. Yeah. There's no accusation there. It's actually
00:58:41.540
a issue of concern. Like I'm making sure you're okay. And if she says yes, you know, you have to
00:58:48.020
take her out of word, like, okay, she is okay. You got to be careful of prodding, which I will,
00:58:52.560
I will do like, I will continue to do that. And that's my own insecurity speaking. A lot of the
00:58:56.540
times, like, are you okay? Which is like interpreted to mean more like, are you mad at me? Are you okay
00:59:01.740
with me? Is this okay? Like, give me validation. I, I will do that. I need to be very aware of that.
00:59:06.720
Yeah. Yeah. I see that. All right. Uh, KDB, what advice would you give someone who knows what they
00:59:14.680
need, what needs to be done, but is procrastinating, stepping up and doing it? My first reaction was
00:59:21.460
just do it, but let me give you a better answer. It's daunting when you know what needs to be done.
00:59:28.700
It's so overwhelming. Yeah. When I had to set up a new bank account with some trust information and
00:59:36.200
businesses and things like that, everything I had to do was like, Oh, and I didn't do it for a long
00:59:41.340
time because it was just overwhelming. And then one day I sat down, I'm like, all right, this has to
00:59:47.220
be done. Like, let me sit down. What are the like six things that I need to do? Okay. Well, I need to
00:59:52.040
gather this document. I need to call the bank and schedule an appointment. I need to bring this
00:59:56.880
document in. I need to open this account, close this account, set up this, do this, do this. Okay.
01:00:00.860
So we have like eight things, right? And then I just do the one, just do the first one, which is
01:00:06.760
get the document I needed. Second one, call the bank. Okay. Now you've got some momentum. You're
01:00:12.200
feeling better about it. You've cranked out two of the eight things that need to be done and you just
01:00:16.220
keep working down the list. But for me, breaking it down into smaller actionable steps always helps.
01:00:22.520
I think about it in the analogy of sports. Cause I coach a lot of my kids sports teams. You know,
01:00:26.680
if I take a young, a young kid, a young boy who's never played baseball before, and I give him a
01:00:32.020
bat and I'm like, Hey, I'm going to throw this ball at you and it's going to be scary. And I just want
01:00:35.920
you to swing at it and hit it. And he's never done it before. Hitting a baseball is one of the
01:00:41.560
hardest thing in all of sports. And he's never done it before. How can I expect that this is
01:00:47.040
something he can accomplish? But if I say, okay, here's what we're going to do. Here's how you hold
01:00:52.140
the bat. Here's where your feet go. And here's where you stand. That's all I need you to know
01:00:57.260
right now. So grab your bat and your helmet, stand feet, bat grip placement. Good. Okay. Next we go
01:01:07.440
to tease. Okay. Now let me show you how to hit off a tee. Okay. Then when they get proficient in that,
01:01:12.420
okay, next we're going to do soft toss. So I'm tossing it to him on one knee. They get proficient at that.
01:01:17.180
Okay. Now I'm going to throw it underhand to you. They get proficient in that. Now I'm going to lob
01:01:21.480
one to you overhand, get proficient in that. Now I'm going to throw it a little harder.
01:01:25.320
It's just bite size actions that are manageable for human beings to process. And when it's
01:01:30.760
overwhelming, we can't process. And like any processor, if it has too much data, too much
01:01:36.460
information, too much tasks, it's completing shuts down. That's what we do. I couldn't help, but
01:01:43.340
consider, or perhaps assume that this question might even be rooted in a thing, like not a bunch of
01:01:50.860
tasks, but I need to have this conversation with Ryan and I'm looking forward to it. I know I need
01:01:57.980
to, but I don't want to. If it's one of those kinds of things that need to be done, I would suggest that
01:02:05.840
you are jumping to the conclusion of what you think is going to happen versus sitting with,
01:02:11.860
should it be done? Yes or no. And if the answer is yes, then commit to doing it and the best possible
01:02:20.480
way to do it. Often I think difficult conversations that we don't want to have sometimes or other
01:02:29.620
scenarios, it's because we assume what's going to happen. Well, if I talk to Ryan, I've written this
01:02:34.180
up, then it's going to backfire. It's like, stop. Do I need to talk with Ryan? The question is yes or no.
01:02:39.920
Yes, I do. Okay. How do I do it? What's my concerns? My concern is that he might perceive or
01:02:46.860
look at the situation wrong. Okay. Now I'm going to contrast it. So to contrast that conversation,
01:02:53.680
I would say, Hey, Ryan, need to talk to you with you about something before we get into it though.
01:02:59.200
Here's my concern. I don't want you to take this conversation as me not being appreciative
01:03:06.660
of everything that you've done for me. And that's the last thing I want to happen,
01:03:12.360
but I'm a little fearful of that in bringing this up to you. That's it. You contrast it before it even
01:03:18.280
starts. And then you dive into the question. The other thing, which I probably should have mentioned
01:03:23.240
first is make sure that if this is a conversation or whatever, that you, that you have a story around
01:03:30.980
it, that you're clear on it. You're clear of the story versus the facts. That's the other problem
01:03:37.780
that we often get into. I had this great conversation with a leader yesterday. He was
01:03:43.080
kind of sideways around this whole thing. And I said, Hey, what's the facts? And what are you making
01:03:50.040
up? And he's like, Oh man, I'm making up a bunch of stuff. Yeah. Go into it with the facts. You're
01:03:55.400
making assumptions. And if I'm not clear on that, I might even go into the assumption
01:03:59.720
into the conversation with these assumptions that Ryan is X, Y, Z. And so even my tone is going to
01:04:08.260
reflect that. And that's going to invite Ryan to get on his heels because I'm, I'm approaching the
01:04:15.760
conversation from like an attack mode. Get straight in your head, get straight on the facts versus
01:04:23.040
perception, use contrasting to help mitigate any potential concerns that you have. But most
01:04:29.200
importantly, commit to doesn't need to be done. If it does commit to doing it and then work on the
01:04:34.760
best strategy to do so. Yeah. I also think there's something to be said for going into it with the goal
01:04:40.860
of understanding. So if Kip, I need to have a conversation, maybe a difficult conversation with
01:04:46.720
you, my objective, especially if it's initial conversation is just to help you understand me
01:04:52.160
and for me to understand better where you're coming from. Yeah. And once we have that,
01:04:58.020
then you're gathering data, right? So now you're gathering information and there might just be a
01:05:01.860
misunderstanding. Like we've had that. I remember we've had those where I'm like, Hey man, I did this
01:05:06.740
and I'm sorry. And here's what I was thinking, but I did this. And you're like, Oh yeah, I was a
01:05:10.520
little frustrated, but it's okay. Like cleared the air because I wasn't trying to prove anything. You
01:05:15.920
weren't trying to prove anything. It was just like, Hey, let's just get clear on this. Just a little bit
01:05:19.600
of understanding, no issues. So that's been helpful too. All right, Kip, let's save the rest
01:05:24.660
of the questions. We've got a lot more, I think on Instagram. So let's save those for next week and
01:05:28.420
close out today's conversation. Yeah. Sounds good. So our big call to action gentlemen is the iron
01:05:34.000
council is open for enrollment. It's going to be open for the rest of this month to learn more about
01:05:40.840
the IC or the iron council. Go to order of man.com slash iron council. When you join there, you'll be
01:05:47.980
part of an onboarding process where you're a part of a cohort of individuals preparing to join
01:05:54.120
teams within the IC. Your time is limited. Once again, to learn more, go to order of man.com
01:06:01.480
slash iron council. And as always, you can get your swag from the order of man store. That's order
01:06:07.540
that store.orderofman.com. And of course you can connect with Mr. Mickler on the gram and X at Ryan
01:06:15.240
Mickler. Sweet. Appreciate it, Kip. Guys, great questions. As always, I hope we gave you something
01:06:20.540
to consider. We'll be back Friday for our Friday field notes. Until then, go out there, take action
01:06:25.980
and become the man you are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast.
01:06:31.560
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01:06:35.260
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