Order of Man - Vulnerability is Pointless Without This...

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart

00:00:04.920 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.

00:00:10.260 You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:16.940 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.420 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is

00:00:26.740 Ryan Michler. I'm your host and the founder of the Order of Man podcast and movement. Today,

00:00:31.940 we're going to talk about the concept of vulnerability because this is a word that

00:00:36.680 gets tossed around a lot. And just like any word that is adopted by marketing, it gets bastardized

00:00:44.760 and misused and often becomes misunderstood. So we're going to talk about what vulnerability

00:00:50.420 actually is, why it can be useful when it's not useful, some common rebuttals against why we all

00:00:56.200 should be vulnerable, which I don't believe in. And then we're going to talk about a few steps

00:01:01.780 that you can employ to make sure that your vulnerability isn't wasted. Because too often

00:01:08.420 it is by men who think that just being vulnerable for the sake of being vulnerable is what they

00:01:13.960 should do. And clearly that's not the case. And I'm going to make that case today. Before

00:01:17.980 we do, just want to let you know that this is a podcast dedicated to helping men become better,

00:01:23.420 more effective, more efficient, more profitable, more fulfilled fathers, husbands, business owners,

00:01:29.840 community leaders, just men in general. So you're in the right place. So guys, let's get into this.

00:01:34.960 You hear it a lot. We've got to be vulnerable. I hear that. Authentic is one that I hear a lot.

00:01:42.520 I heard a great way to look at vulnerability to not reframe it, but a better understanding of what

00:01:48.140 most people think vulnerability is from my good friend, Jack Donovan, who actually just says what

00:01:53.860 we often attribute as being vulnerable is just humility. So I want to make sure that we're not

00:02:00.760 misconstruing the terms and we're not using those terms interchangeably. Vulnerability by definition

00:02:07.180 is exposing or bringing to light a weakness. If you think about it in the context of military strategy,

00:02:16.400 we have generals and military strategists who will actually look at weaknesses, flaws, points of

00:02:25.120 weaknesses in their battle plan. And the reason they do that is so they can expose those weaknesses

00:02:31.220 and then shore those weaknesses up. But the exercise is not one of just let's figure out all

00:02:37.360 the places that were weak and then do nothing with it. You can see that I titled this Friday field

00:02:42.780 notes. Vulnerability is pointless without this. Well, what is this? It's action. Action. The reason

00:02:51.020 somebody in the military might want to take a good hard look at where they're strong and where they're

00:02:57.000 weak or vulnerable is so they can actually do something about it. But guys, vulnerability for

00:03:02.940 the sake of being vulnerable is not a practical exercise. It's not going to serve you. In fact,

00:03:09.560 in many ways, it may undermine you. So we're not just out there to air our dirty laundry and just to be

00:03:16.520 honest about these things. No, what is the point? And we always have to evaluate our motives for doing

00:03:22.200 things. The reason that this has been so bastardized is because oftentimes we get awarded social media

00:03:28.960 points and clout just for telling people how we have deficiencies and where we are weak. And as much as

00:03:39.160 we enjoy the praise and accolades that come with positive reinforcement and encouragement, it really

00:03:45.720 does nothing to move the needle unless you're willing and capable of making a difference in your life

00:03:51.120 once you recognize a flaw or a vulnerability. Now, one thing I often hear from people when I

00:03:57.340 talk about this, and we're going to get into these steps, is that people like to say that being

00:04:03.800 vulnerability or excuse me, being vulnerable, just it opens up trust. And I actually don't agree with

00:04:11.480 that. I don't think it establishes trust. I think if anything, it has the great potential to erode

00:04:18.880 trust. Because what happens if you tell people about your flaws, maybe it's an addiction or an anger

00:04:25.480 issue or a patient's issue or an integrity issue. And you tell people about this without a clear action

00:04:31.680 strategy and without clear steps in place to improve yourself, your weakness, you're actually

00:04:37.200 teeing yourself up for eroded trust relative to what you had before. So vulnerability might open up

00:04:44.580 the pathway to build trust, but you actually have to do something about it and prove that when you see

00:04:50.020 something wrong in your own life, you're actually willing to do something about it. But make no mistake,

00:04:54.740 it's not the vulnerability that builds trust. It's the action that you take afterwards that has the

00:04:59.480 potential to garner trust and influence and credibility with other people. Now, I mentioned

00:05:04.620 that another term, the term that I actually like to use for the way many people use vulnerability is

00:05:10.900 just being humble, acknowledging that you don't have it all figured out, acknowledging that you aren't

00:05:16.940 as good as you think you are, acknowledging where you're weak and where you struggle. And when we're

00:05:22.620 humble, what do we do? We give ourselves the opportunity to do something about it. And that's what it's all

00:05:28.240 about. So let's break this down. I think first and foremost, when it comes to quote unquote,

00:05:34.700 being vulnerable, the first thing that we want to do is we want to make sure that we're not just

00:05:39.640 shouting it from the rooftops, because that's what we've been told we should do. You really,

00:05:44.660 really should evaluate two things. Number one, who are you telling? Are the people that you're telling

00:05:50.900 on your team, do they support you? Do they love you? Do they want you to win? Do they want you to

00:05:57.280 thrive? Do they want you to succeed? Are they accountability partners? Are they willing to

00:06:00.480 hold your feet to the fire? Are they willing to help you on your quest to shore up those weaknesses?

00:06:05.440 Or are they random strangers who don't care about you, who don't like you, who would like to see you

00:06:12.120 fail? An example of that might be a colleague or a coworker. If you explain all the places you're

00:06:18.500 weak to this colleague or coworker, that individual, just like a battlefield enemy, might work to exploit

00:06:25.540 your vulnerability. So we have to be cautious when we take on these broad overarching concepts

00:06:35.440 and applying them to every facet of our life. There might be a time where being vulnerable,

00:06:40.340 not only is it not appropriate, it's actually dangerous for you to do so. I think about being

00:06:46.080 out in public. I don't want to be vulnerable out in public. Now, in many ways I am. Maybe I don't have

00:06:51.740 my firearm on me that day. Maybe my head's not with me that day. And I'm often, you know,

00:06:57.640 la-la land being distracted with things and my mindset's not right. That's a vulnerability.

00:07:02.060 I don't want to expose myself that way. I want to make myself in public a difficult target to deal

00:07:07.740 with. So much so that somebody says, you know, I'm not going to mess with that guy. I'll go to the

00:07:12.080 other guy who's a weenie, a weakling, and looks like he's distracted. So there's times in your life

00:07:16.660 where being vulnerable is not a good thing. And I think it's really, really important that we

00:07:22.640 evaluate that. You also have to consider why you're telling people. You know, why is it that

00:07:28.040 you're telling people that you have an addiction? Why is it that you're telling people that you struggle

00:07:33.740 with pornography, for example? Why is it that you're telling people that you have some sort of

00:07:39.700 deficit? A lot of the times I think it's so we can get some victim points. We can get some attaboys

00:07:45.440 and praises and pats on the back. And again, as good as that sounds, that's not going to help you.

00:07:51.000 It's not going to help you for somebody to pat you on the back and say, good little boy, you're

00:07:54.260 doing a good job. When you know you're not. If on the other hand, you're being vulnerable because

00:07:59.940 you have told the right people and you know that those individuals will hold you accountable,

00:08:05.540 or maybe you have a responsibility to shore some of these areas up. For example, I think it makes

00:08:12.040 sense to talk about your weaknesses and your deficiencies with your wife and your children.

00:08:17.860 Why? Because they are impacted by the decisions that you're making. But again, if you're just

00:08:22.680 talking about all of the baggage and all of the problems, but don't really have a clear cut plan

00:08:26.900 for improvement, it's not going to build trust. It's going to erode it. So that's very important.

00:08:31.880 Number one, again, is who you're telling. And number two, why you're telling them. Are your motives

00:08:37.740 one that are going to drive and move the needle forward? Or are you just trying to get some

00:08:41.600 superficial pats on the back? Something to consider. So with that said, I think I've got,

00:08:48.000 let's see here, six tips that are going to help you utilize vulnerability in an effective way.

00:08:56.400 Not this modern notion or concept of just exposing all of your issues and airing out your dirty laundry

00:09:03.020 for the sake of doing it, but actually for the real reason, the effective reason, which is to

00:09:07.640 make yourself stronger. Number one is you have to be objective in identifying your weaknesses.

00:09:13.360 All right. I don't care how good you think you are. If you, if you find yourself saying or feeling

00:09:19.320 like, Hey, I'm really good at this. Hey, I've got this all figured out. I'm wonderful. I'm God's gift

00:09:25.360 to whatever women, business, health, whatever. If you feel yourself saying those things and feeling

00:09:33.520 that way, you're about to find out that you're going to be in a world of hurt because you're

00:09:39.340 arrogant and you're full of yourself and you're not willing to take a good long look at where you

00:09:45.040 are weak. Okay. And it's going to come kick you in the pants. Those weaknesses, they will be exploited.

00:09:51.680 They will be uncovered. They will be found out and they will be used against you. So you can play

00:09:57.640 defense and hope that when that weakness comes to light, that you can figure it out or you can play

00:10:04.540 offense and deal with it accordingly now so that you never have to deal with it in a negative way

00:10:10.200 down the road. So identify your weaknesses, write down the things that you're good at. That's an

00:10:14.720 important exercise. And also take that journal out and write down the things where you feel like you

00:10:18.960 need improvement. My own personal life, one thing that I can improve on and I have is my sobriety.

00:10:25.160 You know, I've, I've had my struggles with alcohol over the past several years. I've been sober now for

00:10:29.800 six months. That's something that I feel like I have a good handle on, but I'm not going to be so

00:10:35.200 arrogant to say that it isn't a temptation at times. I need to have a realistic expectation of the

00:10:40.760 threats against me and my wellbeing. So that's something I deal with. I deal with patience issues.

00:10:46.920 I deal with anger issues. Now, again, to go back to why I'm telling you this, because my motive is

00:10:53.280 not just to air my dirty laundry, but my motive in this instance is to serve you is to help you

00:10:59.200 is to show you that I don't have it all figured out. And I'm actively working on improving myself.

00:11:03.800 And I think that's a pure motive. So continue to analyze yourself and really figure out what your

00:11:10.300 weaknesses are and be honest. You know, this isn't a graded test. This isn't something you're going to

00:11:14.140 turn into me or anybody else, but go ahead and jot those things down. So you can start to do

00:11:19.000 something about it. So if number one's identifying your weaknesses, then number two is you have to get

00:11:25.400 to the root of the issue. Okay. If you're, if you have an addiction issue, for example, it's not

00:11:33.120 the substance abuse. It's what's underneath the substance abuse. It's what's driven you

00:11:39.320 to alcoholism or gambling or pornography or womanizing or your vice of choice. What is it that's

00:11:49.260 driving you to that? If it's womanizing, for example, is what's driving you to that the need

00:11:56.100 and acceptance of women? Okay. That's the issue. We need to address the issue. And I look at it a little

00:12:03.620 bit like math. I'm working with my son a little bit as I see his math problems. And to be fair, my wife

00:12:09.720 does most of the homeschooling, but every once in a while I step in because I'm fairly decent at math

00:12:13.720 and we're working on fractions. And in fractions, we understand the lowest common denominator. We have

00:12:19.600 to get to the lowest common denominator in order to combine fractions, right? So if we're talking about

00:12:26.880 vulnerability, when you get to the root issue, which is the lowest common denominator, what happens is that

00:12:32.980 you start shoring up other areas of your life that you didn't even know were an issue. So for example,

00:12:37.820 if I'm dealing with alcoholism and I'm trying to escape some emotional trauma or baggage from the

00:12:46.860 past or fear of rejection or abandonment, sure, I could do all the things. I could put all the

00:12:52.940 systems in place to deal with alcoholism and not have it in my house and make it harder and have

00:12:56.820 accountability partners. I should do that. But at the root of what I should be doing

00:13:02.100 is really figuring out why I feel abandoned, why I feel rejected, why I need to escape and get out

00:13:10.020 of my own head at times. And if I do that, not only do I begin to cure the alcoholism,

00:13:14.240 but I also begin to cure other problems that I maybe didn't even know existed.

00:13:19.440 Problems in relationships, problem with performance at work, problems with overeating,

00:13:24.900 problems with things that don't really appear to be an issue until you address them.

00:13:28.820 So the beauty of actually getting to the root of the issue and vulnerability and figuring it out is that

00:13:34.880 you're going to address all sorts of issues that you didn't even know you had. It's kind of like

00:13:40.380 somebody who's severely obese and they are pre-diabetic, let's say. Well, if they start to get in shape,

00:13:50.980 they start to address their body mass and their fat percentage. And what happens? Well, they sleep

00:13:58.540 better. Their libido increases, the sex improves, the relationship with their spouse improves.

00:14:05.320 There's so many other benefits that maybe they didn't even know were a problem, but because they

00:14:10.240 address the root issue, which is obesity, then they're solving not only the problem they had,

00:14:14.860 which is pre-diabetic, but everything else. I hope this makes sense.

00:14:18.060 So we have to get to the root of the issue. And the best way to do that is to begin to journal and

00:14:23.200 document when you're having temptations, when you're struggling, when you're feeling down,

00:14:28.040 when you're dealing with these weaknesses, right? Just write those out. Hey, I'm dealing with this

00:14:32.860 because last night I got actually no, this morning, my dog, I went to go to the gym and I came

00:14:39.440 downstairs and my youngest son was on the couch, watching some cartoons. And I saw a big pile of

00:14:45.040 vomit on the couch and my son pointed to it. And it was from one of our dogs. And I got very,

00:14:52.220 very mad, like really mad. And I was so upset with the dog. And I just, I wanted to kick the dog.

00:14:59.160 I didn't, but I wanted to, but as I was getting angry, I thought to myself, well, okay. I mean,

00:15:06.260 yes, nobody wants to clean up, clean up vomit the first thing in the morning, but why are you so upset?

00:15:11.360 Why is this so upsetting to you? And you know what? It was because I was running late.

00:15:15.740 I didn't wake up on the right time. I kind of dinked around getting out of bed. I didn't

00:15:19.840 kind of wandered around and did a few things before I went into the gym. And I knew that I was really

00:15:24.080 busy today and had a lot to get done, but I didn't plan my time accordingly. And this was just one more

00:15:30.020 effing thing that I needed to do that. I didn't want to do the vomit. Wasn't the problem. You know what

00:15:36.160 the problem was? Me not managing my schedule in time, right? Because if I had, when my alarm went

00:15:42.160 off, I would have got right up. All of my clothes would have been laid out, which they weren't.

00:15:46.720 I would have been ready to go. I would have been on time and you know, it would have sidetracked me,

00:15:52.180 but it wouldn't have been a big deal. So the problem wasn't the dog vomit. The problem was

00:15:56.900 something deeper. And until I started thinking about what that deeper issue was and started to analyze,

00:16:01.140 I really wasn't able to get to the root of it as to why I'm angry. So that's number one,

00:16:07.080 or excuse me, number two is get to the root of the issue. Number three is you have to have an

00:16:11.680 emotionally charged reason for improvement, right? If you're an alcoholic or you have patience issues

00:16:16.140 or anger issues or obesity issues, relational issues, whatever your problem is, you really have to get

00:16:24.460 an emotionally charged reason for improvement. Because until the pain of staying where you are

00:16:31.840 is greater than the discomfort of improvement, you're going to stay right where you are.

00:16:37.560 It is amazing to me how often I will do things that I know are not in my best interest.

00:16:44.000 I know objectively, a hundred percent, certain things are not in my best interest. And yet I'm so

00:16:50.560 tempted to do those things. Why? Because I'm getting something out of it. There's some perceived

00:16:56.820 benefit. If there wasn't a perceived benefit, you wouldn't do it. So until the pain of the current

00:17:06.180 behavior is greater than the discomfort of change, you're going to stay right where you are.

00:17:13.020 So how do you lessen the fear or the, or excuse me, the danger, or I should say, how do you reduce

00:17:22.600 the uncertainty and the discomfort of change? The best way to do that, to tip the scales, if you will,

00:17:30.500 is to have a very emotionally charged reason for doing so. If you're fat, for example, you're probably

00:17:37.980 going to stay that way until you realize, or at least visualize yourself on your deathbed at 45

00:17:44.160 years old, looking into your children's eyes, wishing and praying to God that you had a few more

00:17:52.140 days or weeks or hours with them. Okay. Now this is starting to get emotionally charged.

00:17:58.000 If we're talking about womanizing, maybe you stepped out on your wife until you look in your wife's eyes

00:18:04.920 and you realize what it may be, it did to her and the struggles that has on her and that you

00:18:11.920 actually want to be with her forever, then you're probably not going to change.

00:18:18.840 If you're getting passed over for promotions until you realize and come to terms with the fact that if

00:18:24.920 you are promoted, you are going to be able to impact lives. You're going to be able to improve

00:18:29.860 your financial situation, which gives you opportunities for vacations and experiences with your family.

00:18:35.580 Or a negative emotional exercise is consider being in the same position that you are forever.

00:18:41.260 And how will that make you feel? It'll make you feel weak and pathetic and inferior. And you don't

00:18:47.200 want to feel that way. I know men aren't supposed to experience emotions. And I have people message me

00:18:52.780 all the time and I can't believe you're emotional. Excuse me. Last week on the ask me anything,

00:19:00.160 I said that I was feeling, feeling off today. I said something like that when I started and I had

00:19:05.600 somebody comment, Oh, well, you know, from the minute that you started this conversation, I didn't

00:19:09.300 even listen because no man is emotional. Okay. That's cute, but it isn't true. Okay. All of us are

00:19:15.540 emotional creatures. So rather than hiding that fact or, or suppressing it, why not just use it as

00:19:22.160 extra fuel? Get emotional. When I look at my vision, it's emotional. When I make a, a podcast

00:19:29.040 or a post on social media, you know how I know the, the ones that are going to do well, the ones that

00:19:34.860 are really going to resonate with you, that are really going to serve you. It's the ones where I

00:19:39.100 read it. And I'm almost emotionally, like physically, emotionally, physically emotional.

00:19:45.600 When I, when I do the podcast or when I, when I write that post, that's how I know this is the one

00:19:52.240 that's going to resonate because we all resonate with the feeling of certain phrases, certain videos,

00:19:57.920 certain conversations, certain words. So let's get emotionally charged on that. And if you haven't

00:20:01.880 done the vision exercise, I would encourage you to go pick up our battle planner. We actually talk

00:20:06.400 about doing vision in length and you can do that at store.orderofman.com. Oh, and by the way, we have

00:20:11.380 a 50% off discount right now through the month of February on everything store-wide. And you just use

00:20:16.580 the code 5050 at checkout. Um, that was a pretty good segue into the store. I gotta be honest. I'll

00:20:24.820 take some credit for that one. Uh, number, number four, once you begin to identify weaknesses and

00:20:32.580 flaws and vulnerabilities, I think it makes sense to talk with people who have gone through the same

00:20:39.060 issues that you are, because we have unrealistic expectations of what it's going to take in order to

00:20:46.040 get there. If you're overweight, you're probably going to have an unrealistic expectation about

00:20:50.960 what it's going to take to improve your health and how fast you'll lose weight and how fast you'll

00:20:55.240 build muscle and how fast you'll be feeling better. We tend to project that things are going to go

00:21:01.340 better and smoother than they, they actually do. So I think it's very important that we have

00:21:07.240 realistic expectations about what it's take, what it takes. If we go back to our military analogy,

00:21:13.140 you know, when there is a vulnerability that's recognized a weakness, then we bring in counselors.

00:21:20.220 We bring in strategists. We bring in people who are experts in the field and we say, Hey,

00:21:24.340 here's this vulnerability. What do we need to do to shore this up? And through their years and years

00:21:29.000 of experience and seeing and interacting with these situations, they give us feedback and then we

00:21:34.560 employ those strategies and then hopefully it all works out. But it does make sense for you to talk

00:21:39.920 with somebody who either has overcome these issues themselves or has a track record of helping people

00:21:47.280 overcome these issues. It might be a therapist, it might be a friend, it might be some sort of a group

00:21:54.160 specific to the issue that you're dealing with, but you do need to work with people who are in the

00:21:59.380 process of and have overcome the same challenges as you. Now, one thing I often hear is that you

00:22:06.420 shouldn't, and I've said it, but I want to add some context is that you shouldn't take advice

00:22:10.600 from broke people or you shouldn't take fitness advice from unhealthy people, or you shouldn't

00:22:16.280 take marriage advice from people who have gone through divorces. I disagree with that. And I'll tell

00:22:22.320 you why. Now, look, if we're talking about finances, for example, I'm not going to take financial advice

00:22:29.200 from somebody who is broke and currently broke and has always been broke, but I will take advice

00:22:34.720 from somebody who was broke and then pulled themselves out of poverty and now is independently

00:22:39.680 wealthy. If we're talking about fitness, I'm not going to take fitness advice from somebody who's

00:22:43.900 50, 60, 70, a hundred pounds overweight, but I will take advice from somebody who was a hundred pounds

00:22:49.920 overweight and has lost a hundred pounds over the last year to two years. If we're talking about

00:22:55.780 relational advice, I'm not going to take advice from a man who has gone through two or three divorces

00:23:03.160 and doesn't appreciate her like women, but I will take marriage advice from somebody who has been

00:23:09.720 divorced and is now working on rebuilding that marriage or in a new marriage that they're working

00:23:15.420 to make better than the previous one. It's the fact that they overcame the challenging issue and

00:23:21.900 they've learned and grown from it. That gives me confidence in their ability to help me on my path.

00:23:29.040 In fact, I think that person's more qualified than somebody who's never gone through any health

00:23:34.320 challenges, never gone through any financial challenges or never gone through any relational

00:23:37.720 challenges. But regardless, make sure that you talk with others who have overcome the same thing that

00:23:43.360 you do. Number five is we now need to build in systems and support. Systems and support. You need to have

00:23:51.300 systems in place to ensure that you're fixing the vulnerability. If it's alcoholism, what are your

00:23:57.660 systems? Well, it could be no alcohol in the house. Don't go to the store that you usually go to to

00:24:01.980 buy booze. Don't go out with the friends that you normally get drunk with. Don't go to the bars that

00:24:07.360 you like to go to when you were living a different life and your friends invite you, invite them

00:24:12.380 somewhere else. Get yourself out of those environments and situations. Guys, this doesn't

00:24:17.460 make you weak. There's a lot of men out there who believe that it makes you weak to have systems in

00:24:22.320 place. You should just toughen it up and just will your desires into existence. That sounds really

00:24:30.000 great, but it doesn't work because we know willpower is fleeting. So why wouldn't we put

00:24:38.000 systems in place to ensure that we're not just relying on willpower and instead now we're relying

00:24:42.840 on the systems to make sure that we stay on track? It doesn't make you weak to do that. It makes you a

00:24:48.540 better man to do that. And if you want specifics on how to create systems that will help you go back

00:24:54.480 and listen to the Friday field notes. I think it was two weeks ago. And I talked about the title is

00:25:00.040 discipline is overrated. And I talked about the three-part framework. You need motivation, inspiration,

00:25:05.840 using those terms interchangeably. You need discipline. And the third tier, the third component

00:25:12.020 of this is systems and processes. So I break that down pretty well. And then support. You've got to

00:25:18.340 have other men in your corner. This is something that I see pop up more and more that men need to

00:25:24.660 have other men in their corner, but it's still something that I think is underutilized. Men in

00:25:28.720 your corner is a powerful tool and they can become powerful allies on your quest to improve. Don't do it

00:25:34.360 alone. Okay. You're not a tough guy. You're not a cool guy. You're not an alpha or an omega or a sigma

00:25:41.240 or any of these Greek alphabet titles that I hear. You're not that. And I'm not that. I need other

00:25:49.300 guys in my corner. I've got, in fact, I sent a message to some guys that I've got a contest with

00:25:54.420 right now. So it's Rick, Wayne, Sam, Matt, or somebody at Chris. Those are the guys that are in

00:26:04.820 this contest, this weight loss contest. And we're all holding each other accountable. We're all

00:26:08.680 busting each other's chops and supporting each other and sending pictures of us working out.

00:26:14.080 And I don't think I would have been able to get in as good a shape as I am over the last two,

00:26:18.360 three, four months if it weren't for the support from these guys. So if you don't have that,

00:26:23.440 you need to work on building that. And how do you build it? I think that conversation is better for

00:26:28.080 another episode. And I'll talk about becoming a high value man. So you can attract not only high value

00:26:33.620 women, or if you're married to improve and help her on her own path to becoming a high value woman,

00:26:39.300 but how you can attract high value men as your brothers, as confidants, as men that you want in

00:26:44.900 your corner. Number six is, let me look here. Yes. So this is the last one here. You have to have a

00:26:54.200 recovery strategy. All right. We talked a little bit about this in systems and support, but now you have

00:26:59.700 to have a system or a strategy in place when you screw up. Okay. If you notice a vulnerability,

00:27:06.360 it odds are that it's because of patterns, rituals, routines, things that you've done over the course

00:27:16.660 of a year, five years, 10 years. And that has created the circumstances that you're in right now.

00:27:23.760 And it's going to be very, very difficult in a matter of two weeks or three weeks to break

00:27:30.300 those systems, to break that wiring, to rewire through neuroplasticity in your brain, to rewire

00:27:38.100 new paths and new ways of behaving. It takes time and you're going to slip up. If you're on the road

00:27:44.500 to alcoholism recovery, you know, you might relapse. If you're trying to get in shape, you might miss a

00:27:51.540 few days or decide that, that I'm going to eat that huge piece of cake and it gets the better of

00:27:56.080 you. I'm on this journey, this fitness journey with my buddies right now. And the other night I

00:28:00.840 went out to dinner with a friend and I was planning on getting, you know, a steak and vegetables. Well,

00:28:05.060 guess what? I got a pizza and I ate the whole thing, the entire pizza, except for the, uh, the almonds,

00:28:11.220 uh, almost the olives. I don't, I don't like olives. So I ate the whole thing other than those

00:28:17.520 olives. Okay. That was a screw up. Now, does it mean that I just throw in the towel and I give

00:28:22.240 everything up and I stop and I, I'm not in the contest anymore? No, it just means that I got to

00:28:26.400 get back on the path, drink water, go exercise, eat right, and make amends for my, my screw up.

00:28:33.000 Okay. You you're going to slip. And if you don't acknowledge that and you don't recognize that,

00:28:38.820 and you don't develop a strategy in place right now for your slip ups, then those slip ups could

00:28:43.700 permanently derail you or derail you on a long-term basis. But if instead you have a system in place,

00:28:50.340 Hey, if I screw up, this is what I do to recover. I think a, you're less likely to screw up because

00:28:56.520 you're aware of it. And B, when you do screw up, you're going to recover faster than had you not

00:29:01.840 had a plan in order to fix your screw ups and your mess ups and you regressing and going back to what

00:29:08.680 you were doing before. So that's the strategy guys. Remember vulnerability is pointless without

00:29:14.620 this one thing. And that one thing is action, but it's not just flailing your arms around and

00:29:19.800 flopping around. It's, it's actually being intentional with your actions. So number one,

00:29:25.020 identifying weaknesses. Number two, getting to the root of the issue. The weakness is not usually

00:29:30.140 the problem. There's something underneath. Number three, having emotionally charged reasons for

00:29:35.700 improvement. Number four, talking with others who have overcome that same vulnerability that you

00:29:41.260 have. Number five, creating systems and support. And then number six, having that recovery strategy

00:29:47.660 in case you slip up. This is the way guys, this is the path. Let's get over this whole modern notion of

00:29:55.560 vulnerability for the sake of vulnerability. And let's be aware that when we receive praise and

00:30:01.100 accolades, we think we're doing something good. Uh, I wish I could cite the source, but I saw this study

00:30:06.420 one time that, uh, individuals who talk about what they're going to do often receive the praise of

00:30:13.860 other people. And it's the same sense of feeling that individuals get once they complete the actual

00:30:21.880 objective, they said they were going to. So in a way you're actually receiving the benefit,

00:30:26.660 or at least one of the benefits of doing the work by just talking about it, not actually doing the

00:30:32.360 work. So for example, and you've all seen this, you jump on social media and you decide on your

00:30:37.580 Facebook post, you're going to write, I'm going to run a marathon in three months. And then you look

00:30:43.740 at the comment and it's like, you're awesome. Way to go. That's amazing. You're incredible. I'm so proud

00:30:49.860 of you. Hold up. You haven't even done anything yet. That's a trap. So we need to be really, really

00:30:58.500 careful of not getting the benefit of doing something without actually doing the work guys.

00:31:06.620 We have to do the work. We have to put forth the effort. Vulnerability for the sake of vulnerability

00:31:12.400 is not enough. It just opens the doorway to build trust. And that only comes through you taking

00:31:20.200 action towards shoring up your weaknesses. All right. I hope that serves you. Send me an email,

00:31:25.360 send me a message, send me a text, a DM, whatever. Let me know what you thought of the show. Let me

00:31:29.860 know how you're implementing this stuff in your life, how it's improving your life. I love to hear

00:31:34.060 from you guys. Remember I mentioned the store. It's store.orderandman.com. Everything in the store for

00:31:40.100 the month of February is 50% off. We're just trying to clear out inventory and, and get rid of, uh, as

00:31:46.420 much as we can. And it's not just stuff that doesn't sell. It's everything, including our battle

00:31:51.400 planner. So if you go to the store, use the code store, uh, excuse me, you it's store.orderandman.com

00:31:57.840 and use the code 50, five, zero 50, uh, at checkout. All right, guys, we got work to do. Let's get

00:32:06.520 after. Until then go out there, take action and become the man you are meant to be. Thank you for

00:32:11.340 listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man

00:32:16.420 you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - February 10, 2023

Vulnerability is Pointless Without This... ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

Episode Stats

Length

Words per Minute

Word Count

Sentence Count

Misogynist Sentences

Hate Speech Sentences

Summary

Transcript