Order of Man - Weak Boundaries Kill Relationships ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

00:00:00.000 You always have to be willing to walk.

00:00:02.060 Not that you will.

00:00:03.220 You don't dangle it over a person's head.

00:00:05.920 You don't wield it like a weapon against them.

00:00:08.900 You don't blackmail them, strong arm them, manipulate them.

00:00:12.620 None of that.

00:00:13.700 You just have this internal aura of strength and confidence

00:00:19.980 and a willingness to walk when it doesn't align.

00:00:24.440 And that's hard.

00:00:25.640 You're going to lose relationships,

00:00:27.260 but you have to maintain your dignity and self-respect.

00:00:30.000 One of the things that you'll often hear in self-development circles,

00:00:35.360 whether it's for romantic relationships, personal relationships,

00:00:38.760 or even professional relationships that you have,

00:00:41.220 is the need for establishing healthy boundaries.

00:00:45.120 And I wholeheartedly agree, but what I get frustrated with at times

00:00:48.780 is that while everybody's talking about the boundaries

00:00:51.300 that you ought to set in your life,

00:00:53.280 nobody really dives into what those boundaries might actually look like.

00:00:57.340 And so as men, we're left knowing that boundaries are important,

00:01:01.720 that they're healthy,

00:01:02.980 that they will lead to long-lasting personal, professional,

00:01:06.520 romantic, and platonic relationships,

00:01:08.780 but we don't really know what it actually looks like.

00:01:11.540 So today I wanted to share with you eight boundaries

00:01:14.240 that I have been working on and identifying over years,

00:01:18.240 but specifically honing them in over the past couple of months

00:01:21.740 as I think about the personal and professional

00:01:24.220 and romantic relationships that I have in my life

00:01:26.740 and why this might be so important.

00:01:28.960 Now, as I go through these eight boundaries with you today,

00:01:31.720 I want you to understand that this is not an exhaustive list.

00:01:34.380 This is not the list.

00:01:36.120 This is not the boundaries that you might set for yourself,

00:01:38.860 but hopefully it gets your mind thinking about

00:01:41.020 what an appropriate set of boundaries would look like for you.

00:01:44.900 You may not need these exact boundaries.

00:01:47.180 You might not even need eight.

00:01:48.600 Maybe you need three.

00:01:49.440 Maybe you need five.

00:01:50.480 I don't know, but I'm going to give these to you.

00:01:52.400 One other disclaimer that I'm going to show,

00:01:54.080 two things that I'm going to share with you here

00:01:55.480 is that when I talk about these boundaries,

00:01:58.120 oftentimes people come up with exceptions

00:02:00.540 and skirt around what I'm talking about.

00:02:03.360 So I want to be really, really clear.

00:02:04.800 And clarity is the best way to communicate effectively with other people.

00:02:09.620 When I'm talking about these boundaries,

00:02:11.480 what I am not talking about is charitable work that you might be doing.

00:02:16.960 I'm not talking about offering service to the widowed woman next door 1.00

00:02:20.960 who lost her husband and you're going to mow her lawn. 0.92

00:02:23.960 I'm not talking about donating to charity.

00:02:27.060 I'm not talking about coaching a youth club in your community.

00:02:31.980 That does not fall under the category of personal,

00:02:35.620 professional, and romantic relationships the way I define it.

00:02:38.780 So, again, what I'm sharing with you today,

00:02:42.260 it doesn't apply to the charitable work you're doing,

00:02:45.320 to the good that you're doing, to that sort of thing.

00:02:47.420 I want to be very clear on that.

00:02:49.920 The other thing that I want to be clear about is that

00:02:52.280 when I talk about these boundaries,

00:02:55.040 I'm often met with resistance

00:02:56.260 because boundaries don't really allow for grace,

00:02:59.620 for understanding, for additional conversation.

00:03:02.320 And I hope that goes without saying that if somebody does cross a boundary,

00:03:06.880 that you will have grace,

00:03:08.940 that you will have understanding,

00:03:10.480 that you will communicate effectively about what the boundary is,

00:03:13.200 and you will work towards resolution,

00:03:15.480 not towards absolution or leaving the relationship

00:03:19.300 or closing the business down

00:03:21.320 or dumping your girlfriend or going through a divorce.

00:03:24.060 I don't advocate for that.

00:03:26.140 In fact, what I advocate for is good, healthy,

00:03:28.960 long-lasting relationships that are mutually beneficial

00:03:32.820 for both parties involved.

00:03:34.960 And that does require you as a man to carry the weight at times.

00:03:38.720 That does require us to exercise a little discernment,

00:03:42.940 to have a little grace.

00:03:44.720 So as I talk about the boundaries today,

00:03:46.480 you might hear some finality,

00:03:48.300 you might hear some black and white verbiage in my discussion.

00:03:52.680 But again, I'm allowing for grace.

00:03:55.060 I want you to be graceful.

00:03:56.360 And here's the thing that I've thought.

00:03:58.960 Is that great boundaries,

00:04:01.480 well-communicated, well-articulated,

00:04:04.020 upheld boundaries make great relationships

00:04:06.520 the same way that high fences make great neighbors.

00:04:10.100 The reality is that your wife or your business partner

00:04:14.640 or your clients or your friends,

00:04:17.200 they want to be good partners with you.

00:04:19.940 Your wife does want to serve you. 1.00

00:04:22.600 Your business partner does want for you to thrive

00:04:25.900 and flourish the same way that he or she wants to.

00:04:28.960 Your friends want to see you win

00:04:31.080 the same way they want themselves to win.

00:04:33.500 So when it comes to establishing these boundaries,

00:04:37.680 when you tell people

00:04:40.540 and you show people how you want to be treated,

00:04:44.480 it gives them a pathway to being a good partner.

00:04:48.740 It's hard when there's ambiguity,

00:04:52.060 when there's confusion,

00:04:53.520 when there's doubt,

00:04:54.320 when there's uncertainty

00:04:55.260 that people have to guess

00:04:57.960 and wade through the waters.

00:04:59.880 It's like a maze and a mystery and a puzzle.

00:05:02.140 You don't want relationships to be like that.

00:05:04.580 If we're talking about your wife,

00:05:06.120 you want to say,

00:05:06.920 hey, babe,

00:05:07.280 this is the way that I expect to be treated

00:05:08.840 and this is the way that I would appreciate you treating me

00:05:11.540 and this relationship.

00:05:12.900 And then in exchange,

00:05:14.500 this is the way that I'm going to treat you.

00:05:16.160 What's important to you?

00:05:17.120 And she will want to do that for you.

00:05:19.920 I think that's a common misconception

00:05:21.340 is that we believe that our interests are not aligned.

00:05:25.860 They are.

00:05:26.560 That's the basis,

00:05:28.020 the foundation of a healthy relationship.

00:05:30.820 Now we might have our own goals,

00:05:32.920 our own dreams,

00:05:34.000 our own desires when it comes to relationships.

00:05:35.960 And we might think that somebody else

00:05:38.120 will help us achieve those goals,

00:05:40.420 dreams,

00:05:40.660 and desires.

00:05:41.960 But what you want is you want alignment.

00:05:45.440 Their ideas and dreams and desires

00:05:47.240 ought to be aligned with your dreams,

00:05:48.940 ideas,

00:05:49.380 and desires.

00:05:50.040 And if they are,

00:05:50.660 then people want to serve each other.

00:05:52.720 So there's my disclaimer.

00:05:53.820 All right,

00:05:54.140 let's jump into it.

00:05:55.000 Now,

00:05:55.160 one thing I've been doing over the past four weeks now

00:05:57.240 is journaling.

00:05:58.460 I journal every day.

00:05:59.380 I've got my trusty order of man orange journal here.

00:06:04.660 If you're not watching this on YouTube,

00:06:07.600 you can't see this,

00:06:09.060 but I'm holding up my journal.

00:06:10.620 And I wrote these things down

00:06:12.020 and I'm going to just shoot off the hip a little bit.

00:06:14.080 I've got the eight,

00:06:15.060 but I want to kind of riff on these.

00:06:16.660 So number one is the reciprocity boundary.

00:06:19.800 When you're in a relationship,

00:06:21.160 and again,

00:06:21.460 this applies broadly,

00:06:22.600 romantic,

00:06:23.180 professional,

00:06:23.800 personal,

00:06:24.400 et cetera.

00:06:25.000 When you're in a relationship,

00:06:26.540 there needs to be a level of reciprocity.

00:06:29.120 If you're the only one giving to the relationship

00:06:31.320 or conversely,

00:06:32.720 he or she is the only one giving to the relationship,

00:06:34.660 that is not sustainable.

00:06:37.540 Now there might be times that of life seasons,

00:06:40.720 potentially even where you do need to carry the weight

00:06:43.280 because somebody's dealing with something

00:06:45.300 and they're having a hardship

00:06:46.260 or they're struggling with a particular issue

00:06:49.580 in their lives.

00:06:50.300 And you might need to carry the weight at times,

00:06:52.260 but over time,

00:06:53.300 if you're the only one giving

00:06:55.160 and pouring into the relationship

00:06:57.020 and they're not reciprocating

00:06:58.760 in any sort of meaningful way,

00:07:00.640 that is not a sustainable relationship.

00:07:03.140 You're going to be resentful.

00:07:04.520 You're going to be contentious.

00:07:05.960 You're going to build up animosity

00:07:07.500 towards that individual

00:07:08.640 and the relationship is going to break down.

00:07:10.880 Now,

00:07:11.340 the way a person contributes to the relationship

00:07:13.820 is going to be different than the way you do.

00:07:15.960 And that's fine.

00:07:17.040 That's actually the point of a relationship.

00:07:19.540 If the other party contributed to a relationship,

00:07:22.320 the exact same way that you did,

00:07:24.280 there wouldn't really be a need

00:07:26.060 to be in the relationship at all.

00:07:27.780 So the way that you reciprocate

00:07:29.900 and the way that she or he or your business partner

00:07:32.260 or whoever it might be reciprocates

00:07:33.820 might be different,

00:07:34.700 but it does need to be reciprocal.

00:07:36.760 And you need to communicate that

00:07:38.240 if you don't see that reciprocity being employed.

00:07:42.340 Number two is the initiation boundary.

00:07:45.260 You know,

00:07:45.420 as men,

00:07:45.880 we often initiate,

00:07:47.320 we put forth a lot of effort.

00:07:49.120 We are the leaders

00:07:50.220 and we should step into that role.

00:07:53.820 But if our people,

00:07:56.580 again,

00:07:56.900 whether it's a business partner,

00:07:58.660 a romantic fling,

00:08:00.360 your wife,

00:08:01.400 a client,

00:08:02.780 a friend

00:08:03.520 is always relying on you

00:08:05.800 to initiate everything indefinitely,

00:08:09.280 that is going to wear you down.

00:08:11.360 It's going to beat you down.

00:08:12.760 It's going to make you feel

00:08:14.060 unworthy of their attention

00:08:16.220 and their desire.

00:08:18.200 And it's not healthy for relationship.

00:08:21.020 Other people need to initiate

00:08:22.860 and if they're not willing to initiate

00:08:25.480 over sustained periods of time,

00:08:27.200 then you ought to really seriously consider

00:08:29.900 whether or not that relationship

00:08:31.940 is beneficial for you

00:08:33.340 and for them,

00:08:34.300 by the way.

00:08:35.380 Because if somebody's not initiating

00:08:37.040 in a relationship with you,

00:08:38.260 that probably is a signal

00:08:39.580 that they're not happy

00:08:40.500 or not safe

00:08:41.380 or not comfortable

00:08:42.160 or aren't getting their needs met.

00:08:44.060 And that might be a good thing

00:08:45.360 for them as well.

00:08:46.240 So you need to have

00:08:47.260 this initiation boundary established

00:08:50.620 and really watch

00:08:51.860 to see if people are initiating

00:08:53.360 to the same degree

00:08:54.380 that you are.

00:08:55.420 And again,

00:08:56.200 we leave room for exceptions.

00:08:59.340 We leave room for grace.

00:09:01.200 We leave room for seasons.

00:09:03.040 But over time,

00:09:03.820 as you communicate these boundaries,

00:09:05.120 it's crucial that they initiate

00:09:06.280 to the same degree that you do.

00:09:08.320 Number three is a flow boundary.

00:09:10.440 What I mean by a flow boundary

00:09:11.860 is that the relationship

00:09:13.080 ought to flow naturally.

00:09:15.020 Have you ever been in a relationship

00:09:16.580 where you might actually think

00:09:18.220 very highly of the person

00:09:19.240 and yet for whatever reason,

00:09:21.180 your personalities don't match,

00:09:23.480 your cadence doesn't match,

00:09:26.400 your hopes and dreams don't align,

00:09:29.980 and you really, really like the person.

00:09:32.480 And so you think that

00:09:33.180 just liking the person

00:09:34.240 is enough to establish

00:09:35.540 a personal professional

00:09:36.480 relationship with.

00:09:37.440 It's not.

00:09:38.220 If everything feels like

00:09:39.740 there's just grit

00:09:40.600 and grime in the gears

00:09:42.280 and everything just grinds

00:09:44.000 to a halt

00:09:44.620 and it's unenjoyable

00:09:46.780 and it's friction

00:09:47.980 all the time

00:09:49.220 and it may not even be violent

00:09:50.500 or yelling

00:09:51.180 or arguing with each other,

00:09:53.420 but it just feels like

00:09:54.680 there's just some barrier

00:09:56.500 to what is happening

00:09:57.660 between you two,

00:09:58.820 then you really ought to question

00:10:00.380 whether or not

00:10:01.040 this is a compatible relationship.

00:10:03.640 And if it's not flowing well,

00:10:05.600 and that's not to say

00:10:06.280 it always needs to flow.

00:10:07.620 I mean,

00:10:08.080 just like any piece of machinery,

00:10:09.780 it may be working really well

00:10:12.180 one day and the next day

00:10:14.160 it might have too much friction

00:10:16.660 or not enough lubrication

00:10:18.560 in the engine

00:10:19.120 in order to continue

00:10:20.420 to move that thing along.

00:10:22.020 And so we need to fine tune it.

00:10:23.260 We need to do a tune up

00:10:24.300 and we need to get it repaired

00:10:25.260 or replace a part.

00:10:26.520 That stuff happens.

00:10:27.500 That's part of relationships.

00:10:28.480 But if everything feels like

00:10:30.540 it's grinding all the time,

00:10:32.520 there's probably a compatibility issue

00:10:34.940 that you ought to address

00:10:36.800 early and often

00:10:37.620 because the longer that you wait,

00:10:39.360 hoping that another person will change

00:10:40.880 and we'll get to that in a minute,

00:10:42.180 the worse it's going to be

00:10:43.660 when you finally hit your limit

00:10:45.620 and blow the thing up 0.91

00:10:47.020 or they do.

00:10:48.800 Number four is a capacity boundary.

00:10:52.040 Guys, people are busy.

00:10:53.680 We have busy lives.

00:10:54.940 We have kids.

00:10:56.260 We have businesses.

00:10:57.120 We have civic duties.

00:10:59.020 We have ecclesiastical responsibilities.

00:11:01.920 We have charitable organizations.

00:11:04.940 We have family.

00:11:06.040 We have our own hobbies.

00:11:07.100 We have gym time.

00:11:08.100 There's just so much

00:11:09.300 demanding your attention.

00:11:11.140 And there's so much

00:11:12.680 demanding the attention

00:11:13.760 of the people

00:11:14.300 that you're involved

00:11:15.220 in relationships with.

00:11:17.260 And not everybody

00:11:18.400 has the capacity

00:11:19.380 to be in a relationship with you.

00:11:21.500 That is not an indictment on you.

00:11:23.620 That does not mean

00:11:24.640 that you are worth less.

00:11:26.900 That does not mean

00:11:28.000 that you are somebody

00:11:29.260 unworthy of being

00:11:30.660 in a partnership with.

00:11:32.200 It just means

00:11:33.500 that some people are tapped.

00:11:35.860 Some people

00:11:37.500 do not have the capacity

00:11:39.240 or I would even say

00:11:41.260 the capability

00:11:42.680 of fulfilling

00:11:44.680 their obligations

00:11:46.300 and responsibilities to you.

00:11:47.780 They're just not.

00:11:49.340 It's not an indictment.

00:11:50.520 It's not a personal attack.

00:11:51.740 It's on them.

00:11:53.480 But you aren't obligated

00:11:54.840 to stay in a relationship

00:11:55.820 like that.

00:11:56.700 So you better be aware

00:11:57.720 when you start engaging

00:11:59.000 in relationships.

00:11:59.680 Again, romantic,

00:12:00.900 personal, professional.

00:12:02.320 Does this person

00:12:03.420 have the capacity

00:12:04.440 to align with my goals,

00:12:06.180 needs, and desires?

00:12:07.560 And if they don't,

00:12:08.840 that's not going to be

00:12:09.720 a conducive relationship to you.

00:12:11.320 And it's going to be

00:12:11.820 very frustrating for them

00:12:12.820 because what's going to happen

00:12:14.660 is you are naturally

00:12:16.120 going to want

00:12:16.920 more of their time,

00:12:18.100 attention, energy, resources.

00:12:19.780 And they are going to

00:12:20.820 increasingly feel like

00:12:22.380 they cannot give it.

00:12:23.920 They cannot pour

00:12:24.660 that much into it.

00:12:25.820 They might even feel guilt

00:12:27.180 or shame

00:12:27.800 for letting you down.

00:12:29.760 And that weighs heavy

00:12:30.820 on a person.

00:12:31.700 And when those types

00:12:33.540 of things start to sneak

00:12:34.520 into a relationship,

00:12:35.660 again, animosity,

00:12:36.920 contention, resentment,

00:12:38.420 frustration.

00:12:39.860 Number five,

00:12:41.160 there is a self-abandonment boundary.

00:12:44.440 This is one that men 1.00

00:12:45.700 get wrong all the time,

00:12:47.200 especially as it relates

00:12:48.100 to dating.

00:12:48.840 I see this a lot in dating.

00:12:50.800 Where a man will 0.97

00:12:51.980 be overly accommodating.

00:12:54.400 He'll placate

00:12:55.580 his romantic interest.

00:12:58.200 He'll change who he is.

00:13:00.280 He'll even lie.

00:13:02.740 Not maliciously,

00:13:04.880 but just to keep

00:13:06.260 the relationship alive.

00:13:08.800 He'll settle.

00:13:11.180 He'll say that he's okay

00:13:12.520 when he isn't.

00:13:14.200 He'll try to make amends

00:13:15.620 and let things slide

00:13:16.780 that he feels uncomfortable with

00:13:18.520 because he's more worried

00:13:20.740 about maintaining

00:13:21.340 the relationship

00:13:22.000 than he is

00:13:23.620 his own self-respect,

00:13:26.060 his own dignity.

00:13:26.940 And you ought to have

00:13:29.140 a self-abandonment issue.

00:13:31.400 If you,

00:13:32.580 a boundary,

00:13:33.680 not issue,

00:13:34.140 excuse me.

00:13:35.180 If you

00:13:36.200 continually

00:13:37.300 betray yourself

00:13:38.740 by saying things

00:13:40.900 you don't mean,

00:13:42.900 by

00:13:43.420 doing things

00:13:44.780 you don't want to,

00:13:46.560 by acting

00:13:47.660 like a chameleon,

00:13:48.680 changing

00:13:49.100 who you are

00:13:50.380 on the outside

00:13:51.480 just to appease

00:13:52.460 somebody else

00:13:53.040 so there's no contention

00:13:54.040 or friction

00:13:54.540 or that person

00:13:55.300 doesn't break up

00:13:56.780 with you

00:13:57.160 or wipe away

00:13:59.480 the business partnership,

00:14:00.380 then you're

00:14:01.120 abandoning yourself.

00:14:03.300 And you cannot live

00:14:04.720 outside of integrity

00:14:05.780 for long.

00:14:07.400 When men talk

00:14:08.360 about being depressed

00:14:09.380 and anxious

00:14:09.880 and having anxiety

00:14:11.060 and frustration

00:14:11.800 and all these things

00:14:12.620 about life,

00:14:13.180 a lot of it comes

00:14:13.860 to self-abandonment.

00:14:15.300 You abandoned

00:14:16.140 who you were.

00:14:17.240 You gave up

00:14:17.820 on who you were.

00:14:18.700 You gave up

00:14:19.180 on your dreams

00:14:19.700 and hopes and desires.

00:14:20.720 And by the way,

00:14:21.460 this stuff applies

00:14:22.200 to women too.

00:14:23.760 You hear this

00:14:24.280 all the time.

00:14:24.840 Women will abandon 1.00

00:14:25.520 their dreams

00:14:26.080 in order to chase

00:14:27.080 a romantic interest

00:14:28.180 the same way

00:14:28.660 men will do it.

00:14:30.040 Men and ladies

00:14:30.920 do not abandon yourself.

00:14:32.960 It's better to find 0.98

00:14:33.800 somebody who's aligned

00:14:34.720 where you don't

00:14:35.260 have to pretend

00:14:36.060 or you don't have

00:14:37.640 to juggle all these

00:14:38.320 balls in the air

00:14:39.000 and pretend about

00:14:39.920 what you said

00:14:41.580 or who you are

00:14:42.860 or what that person

00:14:44.360 wants from you.

00:14:47.100 Excuse me.

00:14:48.440 I tried not to cough

00:14:49.340 in the microphone there.

00:14:50.600 Be who you are.

00:14:51.320 early

00:14:52.940 and let those

00:14:54.440 people decide

00:14:55.180 if who you are

00:14:56.420 is right

00:14:57.540 and aligned for them

00:14:58.420 and if it's not

00:14:59.180 find a different

00:15:01.500 partnership.

00:15:02.340 It's not that difficult.

00:15:04.840 Number seven

00:15:06.160 regulation boundary.

00:15:08.680 Again,

00:15:09.320 this one I see

00:15:09.940 a lot in romantic

00:15:10.900 interest

00:15:11.420 is that

00:15:12.020 men will use 0.97

00:15:13.480 their partners

00:15:14.160 to regulate

00:15:14.940 their own

00:15:15.700 insecurities,

00:15:16.600 their own emotions,

00:15:18.300 their own

00:15:19.420 attachment style

00:15:20.460 and so

00:15:21.280 we just put

00:15:21.900 all of this

00:15:22.580 undue pressure

00:15:23.720 and stress

00:15:24.360 on our partners

00:15:25.020 to regulate us.

00:15:27.240 You exist

00:15:28.320 to make me feel better.

00:15:29.720 No,

00:15:30.640 that is not true.

00:15:31.960 That is not accurate.

00:15:33.440 That is an abuse

00:15:35.280 of a relationship

00:15:36.980 that you have

00:15:37.740 and I'm not telling you

00:15:39.000 I've never fallen prey

00:15:39.980 to this.

00:15:40.360 In fact,

00:15:40.720 I do often fall prey

00:15:42.000 to this.

00:15:42.420 This is part of the reason

00:15:43.440 why I started thinking

00:15:45.080 more deeply

00:15:45.700 about these boundaries

00:15:47.100 is because I wanted

00:15:48.100 to make sure

00:15:48.600 that I maintained

00:15:49.300 who I was

00:15:50.140 in personal,

00:15:51.220 professional,

00:15:51.600 and romantic relationships.

00:15:53.300 Regulation is crucial.

00:15:54.660 You have to be able

00:15:55.400 to regulate yourself.

00:15:56.820 You have to get out

00:15:57.540 of your mind

00:15:58.040 and into your body.

00:15:59.580 You have to be able

00:16:00.640 to think logically

00:16:02.780 about things

00:16:03.500 and not let emotions

00:16:04.900 run or dictate

00:16:06.100 your responses

00:16:07.040 or your actions

00:16:08.740 and behaviors

00:16:09.440 and you need

00:16:10.780 to be able

00:16:11.340 to take care

00:16:13.260 of yourself,

00:16:14.220 self-rescue.

00:16:15.020 You often hear

00:16:15.920 in the self-development space

00:16:17.120 that no one's coming

00:16:18.420 to save you.

00:16:19.160 The same is true 0.99

00:16:19.880 with your relationships.

00:16:21.140 The woman in your life

00:16:22.240 is not there

00:16:22.820 to rescue you.

00:16:24.300 If you act

00:16:25.220 as if she is

00:16:26.060 and that every time

00:16:27.100 you're a little insecure

00:16:27.920 or doubtful

00:16:29.040 or concerned,

00:16:30.140 you lean on her

00:16:31.340 to validate you,

00:16:32.900 to make you feel better,

00:16:34.400 then she's now your mommy

00:16:35.820 and she's not really

00:16:36.900 your wife,

00:16:37.520 is she?

00:16:39.600 You should not be

00:16:41.260 validating each other.

00:16:42.820 Now,

00:16:43.000 I will say

00:16:43.480 a relationship

00:16:44.040 is validating,

00:16:44.820 right?

00:16:45.140 A romantic relationship

00:16:46.100 feels good

00:16:46.820 and that's healthy.

00:16:48.140 There's nothing wrong

00:16:48.820 with that.

00:16:49.780 But you don't need

00:16:50.400 to put undue pressure

00:16:51.540 on the person

00:16:52.300 in your life

00:16:52.880 because you can't

00:16:53.720 handle your stuff

00:16:54.400 by yourself.

00:16:55.980 So be an integrity.

00:16:57.420 Go work out.

00:16:58.600 Get lean.

00:16:59.860 Get fit.

00:17:00.800 Grow your business.

00:17:01.580 Develop skills.

00:17:02.560 Find hobbies.

00:17:03.560 Find friends.

00:17:05.420 Male friends

00:17:06.460 who you can lean on,

00:17:07.700 who you can support,

00:17:08.560 who you can work with,

00:17:09.420 who you can grow with,

00:17:10.320 who you can push

00:17:11.020 and pull 0.59

00:17:11.460 and hold each other

00:17:12.700 accountable.

00:17:13.380 Don't put that on her.

00:17:15.800 And the same is true 0.99

00:17:16.560 about a business partner.

00:17:17.540 The same is true 0.99

00:17:18.060 about your friendships.

00:17:19.000 Like,

00:17:19.180 you don't put it all

00:17:19.940 on them.

00:17:20.860 They were there

00:17:21.480 to support you,

00:17:22.200 sure,

00:17:22.540 but you need to be able

00:17:23.260 to self-regulate.

00:17:25.280 And guys,

00:17:25.820 the last boundary

00:17:26.380 that I have here

00:17:26.960 for you today

00:17:27.520 is the exit boundary.

00:17:29.380 This is crucial.

00:17:31.280 When you notice

00:17:32.020 that there's incompatibilities

00:17:33.200 and it's very clear,

00:17:34.960 it's very well-known,

00:17:37.320 you've talked

00:17:38.120 about these issues,

00:17:39.060 there's incompatibility

00:17:41.540 in the boundaries.

00:17:42.820 Boundaries aren't respected.

00:17:44.220 They aren't communicated.

00:17:45.600 Nobody's talking about them.

00:17:46.940 Nobody's working

00:17:47.460 to serve each other

00:17:48.200 and help each other.

00:17:49.480 Then it's time

00:17:50.540 to probably leave.

00:17:52.820 And I know

00:17:54.240 that might be contrary

00:17:55.140 to what the majority

00:17:56.340 of the self-development space

00:17:57.560 will say.

00:17:58.440 And look,

00:17:59.000 I'm not telling you

00:17:59.620 to do it flippantly.

00:18:01.000 If you're a guy

00:18:01.660 and you're hearing this

00:18:02.260 and you're like,

00:18:02.600 well,

00:18:02.680 my wife has never done 0.93

00:18:03.520 any of these boundaries.

00:18:04.580 Well,

00:18:04.720 the first thing

00:18:05.180 you ought to do

00:18:05.660 is you ought to communicate

00:18:06.440 these things with her.

00:18:08.780 Because if you haven't

00:18:09.500 communicated them with her,

00:18:10.600 how is she going to know

00:18:11.220 what you want?

00:18:13.020 Or if your business partner

00:18:14.200 is slacking on his end,

00:18:15.560 well,

00:18:15.680 go sit down with a guy

00:18:16.660 and talk with him

00:18:17.360 about what you need

00:18:18.320 and how you expect him

00:18:19.800 to perform.

00:18:20.280 And he might say,

00:18:20.940 cool,

00:18:21.120 I can do that.

00:18:21.620 Or he might say,

00:18:22.220 I'm not willing to do that.

00:18:23.160 Okay,

00:18:23.380 then I know.

00:18:24.820 And I need to maintain

00:18:25.880 my self-respect.

00:18:27.800 I need to maintain

00:18:28.720 my dignity.

00:18:30.020 I need to have authority

00:18:31.800 and sovereignty

00:18:32.640 over my own life.

00:18:35.060 And that means

00:18:35.940 that you're willing

00:18:36.500 to walk.

00:18:38.220 You always have

00:18:39.320 to be willing to walk.

00:18:40.740 Not that you will.

00:18:42.360 You don't dangle it

00:18:43.480 over a person's head.

00:18:45.160 You don't wield it

00:18:46.260 like a weapon

00:18:47.120 against them.

00:18:48.380 You don't blackmail them,

00:18:50.040 strong arm them,

00:18:51.160 manipulate them.

00:18:52.160 None of that.

00:18:53.300 You just have this

00:18:54.520 internal aura

00:18:56.800 of strength

00:18:59.800 and confidence

00:19:00.880 and a willingness

00:19:01.680 to walk

00:19:02.500 when

00:19:04.080 it doesn't align.

00:19:07.500 And that's hard.

00:19:08.920 You're going to lose

00:19:09.600 relationships.

00:19:11.480 You're going to

00:19:12.160 dissolve businesses.

00:19:14.760 You're going to step away

00:19:15.820 from friendships

00:19:16.640 with people

00:19:18.500 that you care about

00:19:19.360 and you love

00:19:19.880 and you want to see them win.

00:19:22.220 But you have to maintain

00:19:23.440 your dignity

00:19:23.940 and self-respect.

00:19:25.540 So guys,

00:19:26.220 those are the eight boundaries

00:19:27.000 that I've established

00:19:27.960 and I've considered.

00:19:28.780 I'm sure there's

00:19:29.820 an infinite number

00:19:30.600 of boundaries

00:19:31.100 in addition to that

00:19:32.300 like about how

00:19:32.900 you'll be treated

00:19:33.720 and the level of

00:19:34.480 like a respect boundary.

00:19:36.120 Maybe it's a

00:19:36.720 communication boundary.

00:19:38.160 I can't go through

00:19:38.940 all of them.

00:19:39.700 I just wanted to share

00:19:40.460 a few with you

00:19:41.240 so it'll get the juices flowing.

00:19:42.880 It'll get the mind pumping

00:19:43.800 about what you ought to

00:19:45.760 think about

00:19:47.040 when it comes to

00:19:48.100 boundaries in your own life.

00:19:49.120 And I would also consider

00:19:50.240 I would also have you

00:19:52.940 consider this.

00:19:55.060 Every time that you

00:19:55.980 get triggered

00:19:56.480 and you do

00:19:57.200 your wife presses 0.84

00:19:59.420 on little buttons

00:20:00.180 that you didn't know

00:20:00.780 you had

00:20:01.300 and you get upset.

00:20:04.180 Your business partner 1.00

00:20:05.180 does or says something stupid 1.00

00:20:06.460 and it infuriates you. 1.00

00:20:08.400 Your kids do something

00:20:09.620 to pull your lever

00:20:10.500 and all of a sudden

00:20:11.880 you're yelling

00:20:12.400 and shouting

00:20:12.920 and screaming 0.96

00:20:13.440 when you should be

00:20:14.820 a rational,

00:20:15.400 calm,

00:20:15.720 level-headed man

00:20:16.380 as the leader

00:20:17.000 of his home.

00:20:17.500 Any time that you

00:20:19.880 get frustrated

00:20:20.640 to that degree

00:20:21.420 what you need

00:20:22.140 to understand

00:20:22.760 is this

00:20:23.320 and I don't know

00:20:24.200 if there's any

00:20:24.620 exception to this

00:20:25.480 that a boundary

00:20:27.140 has been crossed.

00:20:29.560 Somebody has crossed

00:20:30.800 a boundary

00:20:31.600 with you.

00:20:32.900 This is why

00:20:33.320 you get triggered.

00:20:35.520 But the problem

00:20:36.460 is you may not even

00:20:37.340 know what the boundary is.

00:20:38.380 They certainly don't

00:20:39.300 and you may not

00:20:40.840 even know

00:20:41.160 what the boundary is

00:20:41.800 because you haven't

00:20:42.340 spent any time

00:20:43.300 thinking about

00:20:44.220 why this bothers me.

00:20:45.880 Maybe there's

00:20:48.700 a certain thing

00:20:50.500 that your wife

00:20:51.860 does

00:20:52.280 that just

00:20:54.380 infuriates you.

00:20:56.820 Every time she does it

00:20:57.940 or every time she says it

00:20:59.020 it just

00:20:59.520 bothers you.

00:21:02.000 Why?

00:21:02.620 Why does it bother you?

00:21:03.720 It's not right or wrong.

00:21:04.760 I'm not saying

00:21:05.340 you have to judge it yet

00:21:06.480 but why does it bother you?

00:21:08.560 A lot of the times

00:21:09.420 it feels like

00:21:09.960 you're being disrespected.

00:21:10.940 That's something

00:21:11.280 a lot of guys deal with.

00:21:12.560 Okay.

00:21:13.200 Well then there's

00:21:13.800 a respect boundary

00:21:14.640 and then you ought to

00:21:15.800 sit down

00:21:16.240 and spend some time

00:21:17.000 in your journal

00:21:17.480 thinking about

00:21:18.160 why that issue

00:21:19.320 bothers you

00:21:19.920 what exactly

00:21:20.840 is going on

00:21:21.620 what you would like

00:21:22.620 to see

00:21:22.980 what you don't

00:21:23.700 want to see

00:21:24.240 and then you can

00:21:24.760 communicate that

00:21:25.760 then with your wife.

00:21:27.320 Hey babe

00:21:27.640 can I share something

00:21:28.320 with you?

00:21:28.660 And she's going to say yes

00:21:29.480 and you're going to say

00:21:30.140 hey I know I kind of

00:21:30.940 blew my lid last night

00:21:31.940 I was very frustrated

00:21:33.320 about something you said

00:21:34.460 and I spent a lot of time

00:21:36.060 last night and this morning

00:21:36.900 thinking about what it was

00:21:38.060 and what I realized

00:21:38.720 is that when you said

00:21:39.620 that thing

00:21:40.180 I felt disrespected.

00:21:42.340 Now I don't think

00:21:43.140 you were trying to be

00:21:44.320 disrespectful to me

00:21:45.380 but I felt disrespected

00:21:47.180 and here's why

00:21:48.340 and in the future

00:21:49.940 it would help me

00:21:51.100 if you have those concerns

00:21:52.620 or you have your own frustrations

00:21:54.460 that you would come to me

00:21:56.080 in this way

00:21:57.580 and then we can have

00:21:58.660 a healthy discussion about it

00:21:59.780 and we can both be better

00:22:00.880 because I want to serve you

00:22:02.000 the same way that I know

00:22:03.500 you want to serve me.

00:22:06.140 Guys

00:22:06.580 if you had a relationship

00:22:08.580 like that

00:22:09.200 and just a conversation

00:22:10.320 like that

00:22:11.140 a lot of guys

00:22:12.860 talk about vulnerability

00:22:13.740 and how it'll undermine

00:22:15.300 who you are

00:22:16.460 and your leadership

00:22:17.080 and your authority

00:22:17.880 guys

00:22:18.200 like a conversation

00:22:19.380 like that

00:22:20.020 doesn't diminish you

00:22:21.600 in the eyes of the people

00:22:22.460 you care about

00:22:23.140 in fact

00:22:24.540 if anything

00:22:25.020 it edifies you

00:22:26.140 it uplifts you

00:22:27.720 in their eyes

00:22:28.660 it builds authority

00:22:30.600 it builds credibility

00:22:31.780 it builds influence

00:22:34.000 consider that

00:22:36.240 talk about these boundaries

00:22:38.080 with people

00:22:38.560 and have healthy relationships

00:22:39.880 again

00:22:40.220 they apply to all

00:22:41.040 personal, professional, romantic

00:22:42.240 let me recap here for you guys

00:22:44.040 and I'm looking at my notes

00:22:44.780 number one

00:22:45.240 reciprocity

00:22:46.040 number two

00:22:47.460 initiation

00:22:47.960 number three

00:22:49.800 flow

00:22:50.620 number four

00:22:52.440 capacity

00:22:53.440 number five

00:22:55.340 self-abandonment

00:22:56.920 number six

00:22:58.680 potential

00:22:59.640 oh we didn't talk about

00:23:00.740 number six

00:23:01.140 I'll get to that in a second

00:23:01.900 number seven

00:23:03.440 regulation

00:23:04.440 and number eight

00:23:06.680 is your exit boundary

00:23:07.860 the one I overlooked

00:23:09.400 was potential

00:23:10.300 the potential boundary

00:23:11.460 is that we don't get

00:23:12.500 into business partnerships

00:23:13.780 and romantic relationships

00:23:15.040 with people that have

00:23:16.380 the potential to meet

00:23:17.360 our desires

00:23:17.880 we measure what

00:23:19.320 they can do

00:23:19.880 now

00:23:20.600 so we don't fall

00:23:22.300 in love with an

00:23:23.080 idealized version

00:23:24.120 of people

00:23:25.080 we don't

00:23:25.900 pedestalize people

00:23:27.100 we don't

00:23:27.920 try to fix

00:23:28.800 people

00:23:29.340 we don't hope

00:23:30.440 that one day

00:23:31.060 they'll change

00:23:32.060 no

00:23:32.760 we're realistic

00:23:33.980 and we judge

00:23:35.720 the value

00:23:37.380 of the relationship

00:23:38.180 based on

00:23:39.080 their behavior

00:23:39.880 and actions

00:23:40.520 today

00:23:41.460 right now

00:23:42.680 not something

00:23:43.740 in the future

00:23:44.300 that's the potential

00:23:45.200 boundary

00:23:45.540 I failed to

00:23:46.660 mention

00:23:47.240 so there you go

00:23:48.620 there you go guys

00:23:49.360 eight boundaries

00:23:50.240 again not an exhaustive list

00:23:52.260 not everything you need to do

00:23:53.320 maybe it's

00:23:53.920 maybe it's too much

00:23:54.860 maybe it's too few

00:23:55.660 maybe it's not right for you

00:23:56.900 I don't really care

00:23:58.080 but what I want

00:23:59.040 you to do

00:23:59.940 is start thinking

00:24:00.600 about the boundaries

00:24:01.460 get a journal out

00:24:02.660 get a notepad out

00:24:03.440 start writing your journal

00:24:04.540 in your journal entry

00:24:05.780 what your boundaries are

00:24:06.760 maybe you use the exact

00:24:07.940 same ones here

00:24:08.680 and it changes

00:24:09.420 and flows over time

00:24:10.400 or maybe you come up

00:24:11.540 with entirely new ones

00:24:12.500 but if you're not

00:24:13.620 sitting down

00:24:14.020 writing these things

00:24:14.940 you're sure as hell

00:24:16.100 not communicating them

00:24:17.340 I promise you

00:24:18.160 and it's going to lead

00:24:19.340 to resentment

00:24:20.260 contention

00:24:21.060 animosity

00:24:21.840 and blow ups

00:24:23.080 and all types

00:24:24.140 of relationships

00:24:24.760 that you have

00:24:25.420 guys if you want

00:24:26.420 to know more

00:24:27.040 about these boundaries

00:24:28.260 and you want to be able

00:24:29.580 to regulate

00:24:30.580 yourself more effectively

00:24:31.840 and you want

00:24:32.800 the skill set

00:24:33.680 required to

00:24:34.780 communicate

00:24:35.740 these boundaries

00:24:36.400 effectively

00:24:37.000 with the people

00:24:37.600 in your life

00:24:38.240 join us in Iron Council

00:24:39.800 we're open right now

00:24:40.980 orderofman.com

00:24:42.600 slash Iron Council

00:24:43.900 we meet every single week

00:24:45.640 you'll have an opportunity

00:24:46.920 to be on a battle team

00:24:48.100 which is a group

00:24:48.960 of 10 to 15 men

00:24:50.280 who are working

00:24:51.180 closely together

00:24:52.080 to hold each other

00:24:52.860 accountable

00:24:53.300 to have conversations

00:24:54.680 like this

00:24:55.260 with qualified

00:24:56.640 battle tested

00:24:57.980 team leaders

00:24:58.680 you'll get

00:24:59.480 monthly assignments

00:25:00.560 and topics

00:25:01.480 that'll help you

00:25:02.480 hash these ideas out

00:25:03.700 and you're going

00:25:04.420 to walk away

00:25:04.980 whether you spend

00:25:05.540 a month with us

00:25:06.300 or a year with us

00:25:07.400 or even 10 years

00:25:08.560 and we have some

00:25:09.320 members that have

00:25:09.800 been with us

00:25:10.220 for a decade now

00:25:11.320 you're going to

00:25:12.180 walk away

00:25:12.560 a better man

00:25:13.200 a more grounded man

00:25:14.760 a more fulfilled man

00:25:16.160 a better leader

00:25:17.000 a better protector

00:25:17.980 a better provider

00:25:19.280 a better presider

00:25:20.320 join us again

00:25:21.140 at orderofman.com

00:25:22.540 slash Iron Council

00:25:24.020 guys we'll be back

00:25:25.460 next week

00:25:25.940 until then go out

00:25:26.980 there take action

00:25:27.720 set your boundaries

00:25:29.460 and become a man

00:25:30.520 you are meant to be

00:25:31.840 thank you for listening

00:25:33.140 to the order of man

00:25:34.140 podcast

00:25:34.880 you're ready to take

00:25:35.960 charge of your life

00:25:36.840 and be more of the man

00:25:38.000 you were meant to be

00:25:38.900 we invite you to join

00:25:40.180 the order

00:25:40.600 at orderofman.com

00:25:42.380 you

Order of Man - January 30, 2026

Weak Boundaries Kill Relationships ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

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