Order of Man - Weather the Storm ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart

00:00:04.900 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.

00:00:10.240 You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:16.900 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.340 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler.

00:00:27.320 I'm your host and the founder of the Order of Man podcast and movement. Welcome here today and

00:00:32.260 welcome back. This is going to be a difficult conversation for me, but it's one that needs to

00:00:38.640 be had and one that I want to share with you. And also, I think it's going to help because there's

00:00:44.680 a lot of men, myself included right now, going through some very challenging and difficult times.

00:00:52.400 And if there's one thing I've wanted this movement to be over the past eight years,

00:00:56.220 it's that we support each other, we edify each other, we uplift each other. When we stumble and

00:01:02.340 fall, it's been about helping each other up and holding each other accountable and all of the

00:01:07.560 things that we've been talking about over the past eight years. I bring this up because, again,

00:01:12.280 I know there's a lot of people going through some very difficult and challenging times. That might be

00:01:16.840 relationship issues. That might be addiction issues. It might be a medical condition that somebody's

00:01:23.300 dealing with or a loss of a job, financial struggles. I mean, you name it. Men and women

00:01:30.540 too, but obviously we talk with men exclusively, are dealing with so many hardships and challenges in

00:01:36.120 life. And I've seen a lot of men crumble when life gets the better of them, when there's a storm

00:01:43.440 on the horizon or when they're in the thick of things. Whether that storm is self-inflicted or

00:01:48.640 whether it's outside of our control, it's bound to happen. And the way that we respond in those

00:01:54.420 moments says a lot about who we are and a lot about who we can become. The mistakes that we've

00:01:59.920 made in the past, although they do define our current reality, aren't destined to map out our

00:02:06.600 future reality. It really depends on how we respond. So the reason that I wanted to share this

00:02:12.620 with you, again, this is going to be a challenging conversation for me for a lot of reasons and you'll hear

00:02:16.300 why shortly. If you follow me on Instagram, you know that in the past couple of days, I've made

00:02:22.780 some comments about my own personal life and situation that have probably surprised a lot of

00:02:27.940 people. And I want to share that with you. And I don't want to make it about me. I just want to

00:02:35.200 share my perspective because I think it's the right thing to do. And also hopefully, whether it's now or

00:02:40.340 sometime down the road, it will serve more men, which is my goal. So I've been very forthright

00:02:47.140 about my alcohol addiction. I've shared a lot of that over the past, I would say

00:02:52.500 about looking at it four to five months, I think is how long I've been talking about that.

00:02:56.880 Uh, I've been sober now for eight months and my sobriety date is, uh, August. Let's see. Yes.

00:03:07.640 August 1st of 2022. So, you know, I, I am proud of that. It's been a challenge at times, but, uh,

00:03:16.260 I did share that with you and I've been very vocal about that. Now, the thing that you may not know

00:03:20.040 is that the reason that all came to a head is that in July, um, my wife had said that the drinking

00:03:27.420 had gotten so bad that she wanted to leave. And that slapped me into reality. Guys, I was very,

00:03:33.520 very delusional at the time about the way that I was showing up. I thought I was showing up as a good

00:03:38.320 husband. I thought I was showing up as a good father. I was sharing with you guys things that

00:03:41.380 I was doing that I thought were right. And turns out that I was not doing well in those departments.

00:03:48.400 You know, there was facets of my life that I was doing very well. And I think I allowed that

00:03:53.000 to dictate the rest of my life. Meaning that if I was successful in business, for example,

00:03:59.800 or successful in this Avenue or that venue, then I thought it translated to other facets of my life.

00:04:04.780 We often hear the way we do one thing is the way we do everything. And that's not always the case.

00:04:09.300 And I did not realize that I was not showing up powerfully and honestly, uh, not entirely showing

00:04:18.080 up now, uh, now that I look at it, the way that, uh, I have been advocating for the past eight years

00:04:24.720 for my wife and children. Um, I wish I could say that I was, I wish I could say that I had a hundred

00:04:29.860 percent dialed in. And again, I thought I did, but I quickly realized when we had that conversation

00:04:36.200 that that wasn't the case. Now, again, I don't want to make this all about me, but it's important

00:04:39.660 you understand this context because I think it'll help for the rest of the conversation.

00:04:42.760 So, uh, with that said, I, I, I, over the past eight months have been on a personal journey

00:04:48.360 to improve myself, to begin to identify where it all broke down, to figure out what I was

00:04:55.160 really doing, to figure out where I was really struggling. Of course, I put the booze down

00:04:58.860 for the past eight months and I've shared a lot about that. Hopefully that's been helpful

00:05:01.920 to you guys. Uh, and I, you know, my fitness is dialed in. I think I've probably been better

00:05:08.700 father than I have in a very, very long time, if, if not ever. So I got a lot of that dialed in.

00:05:14.960 Unfortunately, I, I have come to the conclusion, um, both my wife and I, that the damage that I did

00:05:23.360 while I was drinking and the way that I would treat her and the kids, uh, is, is, is too much.

00:05:31.920 And the changes that I've made in my life are too little and too late. So I share that. And to say

00:05:42.140 that, unfortunately, my wife and I are, uh, going through a divorce and I know that's going to send

00:05:49.260 shockwaves through those of you who listen. And those of you who tune in, um, look, I fully realized

00:05:56.180 that there's hypocrisy in that, you know, I'm sharing one thing and I wasn't showing up completely

00:06:02.140 that way in facets of my life. And I did not realize, and I see it now. So clearly now that

00:06:07.340 I'm sober, man, the way that I was showing up and the way that I was behaving in the way that I pulled

00:06:11.540 the wool over my eyes, I was so delusional. And I see the way that I showed up before.

00:06:16.900 And I wish I could say to you that I didn't, but I did, I did show up horribly for her and for my

00:06:22.020 children. And I'm remedying that. And I'm correcting that. Now, look, I'm not going to get into a bunch

00:06:27.020 of details about the details of our pending divorce. Um, I, I, I may at some point, because

00:06:33.900 if it could be helpful to you, then that's what I want. That's what I've always wanted out of this

00:06:38.060 organization. Uh, but that's not what the topic of this conversation is today. The topic of this

00:06:43.020 conversation is how we, as men navigate difficult trying times. How do we weather the storm? So to speak,

00:06:49.840 whether that's self-inflicted or whether it's something beyond our control in my case,

00:06:56.140 and all honesty, this was self-inflicted. And I realized that if you're listening to this,

00:07:01.220 you might think I'm, I'm hypocritical. It's warranted. It's deserved. You might think I'm a

00:07:05.220 fraud, but here's one thing I would say is that the information that I've shared over the past eight

00:07:11.560 years is good and it's true and it's valuable and it works. And if you've applied it in your life,

00:07:19.300 then, you know, the tools and the resources that we have available work. The problem was I wasn't

00:07:24.400 always implementing the tools to the degree that I could have, or I should have been. So it isn't the

00:07:30.480 message. It's the messenger. Now, look, I'm not here to defend myself. I don't feel the need to do

00:07:35.060 that. Obviously there's people in my life who are closer than, than you might be as a, as a listener of

00:07:40.140 the podcast. I've had conversations with and explain my situation a little bit more and work to

00:07:46.180 rectify and improve the situation. But I'm not here to defend myself. I'm here to tell you the

00:07:52.100 reality of the circumstances. And the reality is, is that we, as men falter and we fall.

00:07:57.340 And even when we know, we know unequivocally what we should be doing and how we should be showing up

00:08:02.280 and how we should be performing. We oftentimes find it difficult to do so. At least I have.

00:08:08.500 And I've done a lot of reflection over the past eight months. I realized the ramifications and the

00:08:13.440 weight of what we're dealing with here. It's, it's horrible. It's, it's tragic. Again,

00:08:18.360 it's self-inflicted, but I wish it wasn't this way, but it is this way. And I have to face that

00:08:24.880 reality. And I have to share that information with you. And I have to talk with you about what I've

00:08:30.280 learned and I have to improve my own life. And we're driving on now. There's been a lot of calls

00:08:35.840 about, Oh, Ryan, you should step down. You should not, you're not in the position. And I'm not doing

00:08:39.720 that. I'm not going to step down. I'm not going to shut down order of men. And I'll tell you why,

00:08:45.200 because if I do, then the tens, if not hundreds of thousands of men who could otherwise be,

00:08:52.220 otherwise be served by the mission of what we're doing here won't be, they won't be.

00:08:57.220 And so guys will continue to struggle with their fitness. Guys will continue to struggle with their

00:09:02.080 goals. Guys will continue to struggle with their addictions. Guys will continue to struggle in their

00:09:05.680 relationships. And although I realized my, the trust that I have hopefully established over the

00:09:12.520 past eight years is diminished, if not destroyed, I'm going to rebuild and I'm going to work on

00:09:21.300 reestablishing that trust with you who listen to this podcast. And those of you who have banded with

00:09:28.680 us and those of you who believe in what we're doing. And I would suggest that you still believe

00:09:32.120 in the mission. You can question whether or not you believe in me. That's fair. That's warranted.

00:09:36.900 But I request that you believe in the mission of reclaiming and restoring masculinity. And you can

00:09:42.160 see that I have a long way to go myself. So there it is. That's the bombshell. All right,

00:09:48.900 let's get that out of the way. We need to do address the elephant in the room. And I know there's

00:09:52.260 going to be a lot of backlash. There's going to be a lot of support as well. And there has been on

00:09:56.280 Instagram with the support and everything else. So I'll talk a little bit more about my situation,

00:10:01.500 but I'll do it through the context of trying to help you and giving you what I can about what

00:10:07.980 I've been going through. And maybe it'll serve you in some way. So let's talk about how a man

00:10:12.500 weathers these difficult storms, these challenging times. Number one, it's very important that we

00:10:18.620 accept reality. I told you already that I was delusional. I honestly believe, and it's so strange

00:10:25.920 because I've told you guys, if your wife says that she's not happy, I've said it. I know I've said it in

00:10:30.840 the past. Like, you know, you know, if she's not happy, you know, if she's not fulfilled in the

00:10:37.200 relation, you know, and if you feel like you're blindsided, then you know, you're lying. And I

00:10:41.860 think I was lying to myself. I was completely delusional. I mean, this just goes to show you

00:10:47.760 how powerful some of these forces can be against us is I talk about these things on a daily basis.

00:10:55.880 And yet I was so delusional about the way that I was showing up. So the first thing that we need

00:11:01.180 to do to accept, or excuse me, to weather the storm is to accept reality, accept reality for

00:11:07.840 what it is. It's brutal and it's painful and it's horrible and it's tragic at times. And you're going

00:11:15.080 to need to deal with all sorts of, of things that you don't want to deal with. And you're going to have

00:11:22.220 to face the guilt and the shame and the sorrow and the remorse. And there might need, might need to be

00:11:27.520 amends that need to be made between you and people. And it's hard, but if we want to improve

00:11:34.000 and we want to get better, then we need to build our growth of development on a solid foundation.

00:11:40.640 And the solid foundation is truth. And the truth is as we're not showing up, the truth is maybe you're

00:11:46.780 not showing up the way that you could be, you know, let's not kick things under the rug.

00:11:51.020 I feel like maybe I did at this point. And I wonder what life would look like today

00:11:55.580 if I didn't continue to kick it under the rug and pretend that the challenges or problems didn't

00:12:00.480 exist. The minute that I woke up, not by my own doing, but because of, of the discussion that my

00:12:07.040 wife and I had was the minute that I was finally faced with the reality of what the situation was 0.87

00:12:12.960 and painfully, painfully, but also gives me the opportunity for growth. So guys, look,

00:12:21.020 if I can give you any feedback and I don't feel like I'm in a position to tell you how to create

00:12:24.580 a wonderful marriage or anything like that, certainly I can't do that. I'm going to be

00:12:28.680 honest with you. You may have noticed over the past eight months of a change in the tone of,

00:12:33.200 of the conversations that I've been having. And I'll tell you, I'm a lot more humble than I was.

00:12:37.640 I'm a lot more graceful towards other people than I was. I'm a lot more understanding

00:12:42.900 of what men might be dealing with. And I'm actually a better human today than I was eight months ago,

00:12:47.760 even in spite of the current difficulties, guys, you've got to face reality. You've got to really

00:12:54.840 take a look, a good long, hard look in the mirror and ask yourself if you're showing up the way that

00:12:58.800 you should. I wish I would have done that. I wish I would have done that years, years ago,

00:13:03.920 but I didn't, but I'm doing it now. And it's painful. It's hard because I see how ugly I am in

00:13:11.040 the mirror, but you know what? It's good. And this is the foundation for growth, right? Number two,

00:13:17.160 when you're facing a challenging situation or circumstance, we've got to learn to separate

00:13:21.900 ourselves from being so immersed into that challenge. And look, I know we have to deal

00:13:28.540 with things. We have to deal with the fallout of relationships. We have to deal with the fallout

00:13:31.640 of financial issues. We have to deal with the fallout of, of, of, of health issues and things

00:13:37.520 like this. Like we have to actually deal in reality, like I said, but also we need to separate

00:13:42.120 ourselves a bit from the current reality. And this is what's so great about being a conscious human

00:13:47.760 being is that we can in fact, separate ourselves and put ourselves consciously into a different time

00:13:53.480 and place, a different time and place. And one thing that I'm learning to do, of course, I don't

00:13:59.340 have it mastered, but this has been helpful for me as I've navigated these uncharted waters for myself

00:14:03.640 is I've asked myself frequently, what would a man that I want to be do in this situation?

00:14:11.580 What would the man I want to be do in this situation? And so when I'm tempted to self-destruct

00:14:17.840 or turn back to drinking or tempted to have contention and frustration and animosity

00:14:25.240 with, with my wife, with my soon to be ex-wife, I should say, I want to be again, accepting reality.

00:14:32.120 Uh, I ask myself, what would the man I want to be do in this situation? And that question alone,

00:14:42.820 again, it's a separating question. It's extracting yourself from the current reality,

00:14:46.700 putting yourself into a different time and place. And it gives you a different reference point for

00:14:51.480 the way that we'd look at how we show up. Cause I'll tell you what, I've talked with a lot of guys

00:14:55.440 over the past several years who are going through divorces and have gone through divorces

00:14:59.320 and, and, and other things that they're dealing with. And there's so much vitriol and there's

00:15:04.260 so much hostility and there's so much animosity and there's so much contention and there's hate

00:15:08.080 and anger. And it doesn't help. It doesn't serve us to be that way towards somebody that we once

00:15:14.740 loved. But what does serve us is being the kind of man that you have a desire to be.

00:15:19.660 And that's a decision. That's one decision away. Look, you could have been the scum of the earth.

00:15:24.980 And I feel that way about myself in a lot of ways, the scum of the earth one day ago,

00:15:29.440 or one week ago, or one month ago, or one year ago, you could have absolutely been that man,

00:15:33.640 but you know what? You can decide to put yourself on a new trajectory today by making one decision

00:15:40.200 that you're not going to act like that guy, but you're going to act like this guy, the man that

00:15:46.400 you want to be. And so I would, I would implore you. I would suggest to you again, I'm, I'm being

00:15:54.960 very careful the way I say this because I don't want it to come across as I know it all. And I feel

00:15:58.800 like maybe I did. I, I hope I never put myself on a pedestal. I didn't belong. I've always said that

00:16:04.520 I'm a work in progress and then I'm in this battle with you. And clearly that's the case based on my own

00:16:09.200 personal circumstances, but I'm not here to tell you what to do anymore. I'm just here to give you

00:16:14.960 some, some advice and hopefully it helps. And I think asking yourself what the man you want to be

00:16:21.260 would do in this situation is going to be a powerful litmus test for how you show up,

00:16:26.860 whether that's your, your ex or your boss or a client or your children, anytime that you're stressed

00:16:33.440 or frustrated or angry, what would the man you want to be do in this situation? All right. Number

00:16:39.580 three, I think it's a very powerful exercise to expand our time horizons. When we're distraught

00:16:48.460 and we're in despair and things around us seem like they're crumbling and your world, as you know,

00:16:53.600 it is falling apart as mine is, it's easy to get caught up and wrapped up in the moment. And we should,

00:16:59.680 because there's things that need to be addressed. Certainly there's things that need to be addressed

00:17:03.100 today, now, currently. So yes, we need to address those things. We cannot run and hide from those

00:17:08.660 things. But what I do suggest is that when we look at what our life is going to be, we need to lengthen

00:17:15.640 out our time horizon. So you might be in the pit of despair right now. And I have been guys for the

00:17:22.220 past eight months, highs and lows, ups and downs, goods and bads. Today's a pretty decent day.

00:17:27.520 Tomorrow might be a horrible day. I don't know, but I'm trying to implement these things.

00:17:31.240 And I'll tell you what helps me when I look at the longer picture, when I look at a longer horizon.

00:17:37.680 Now, look, I'm not trying to downplay the significance of what's happening in my life.

00:17:43.140 It's significant. My wife will be impacted by this. I will be impacted by this. My children will be

00:17:49.100 impacted by this. I know all of that. So I'm not undermining the weight of what's happening,

00:17:54.280 but I also know that I'm 40, as of a couple of days ago, 42 years old,

00:18:00.720 barring some unfortunate circumstance, I'm probably going to live another 30 plus years

00:18:06.460 and not three days, not three months, 30 years, hopefully longer.

00:18:14.780 But if I look at what's going to happen over the next three days, that's hard to deal with. If I

00:18:19.320 look at what's going to happen over the next three months, that's even hard to deal with.

00:18:22.420 If I look at what's going to happen over the next three years, there's a little bit of optimism

00:18:27.680 there. There's a little bit of hope in that. If I look at what's going to happen over the next 30

00:18:31.720 years, I've got a lot more optimism. I'm not done. You're not done. This is not over. I had a good

00:18:38.480 friend. I think I've gotten a lot of public outreach, both positive and negative, but

00:18:44.440 overwhelmingly positive and supportive for me, which I do appreciate. And one of my friends,

00:18:49.800 I can't remember who it was. I think it was Alan Placer. I think he said, or somebody else,

00:18:53.880 I want to give credit where credit's due, but he said, this is a success story. You just don't

00:18:59.440 know it yet. What you're going through right now is the making of a success story. And look,

00:19:03.920 I know it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a catastrophic failure. Again, I've got to deal in reality. It's

00:19:09.880 a catastrophic failure on my part, but it's also part of a success story because I'm going to get

00:19:16.760 up and I'm going to implement the things I'm sharing with you. And I'm going to help you

00:19:21.920 into the degree that I can, and that you'll allow me to, by giving you this information that hopefully

00:19:26.800 will serve you. So you don't find yourself in the same situation and you will be better for it.

00:19:31.440 This is a success story in the making, but it can only be a success story. If I look at it over a

00:19:38.700 period of a year, three years, five years, 10 years, if I look at it over the next seven days,

00:19:43.400 that's, it's tough to deal with. It's tough to deal with. So when you're in the, in the pit of

00:19:48.160 despair, guys, lengthen out the time horizon. And I, I think that's going to give you a different

00:19:55.100 perspective on what your life could be. Now, look, a lot of guys going through my situation and other

00:19:59.520 situations that are similar or even completely different. Um, you know, they, they turn to

00:20:03.740 self-destructive behavior, whether it's boozing or other addictions or, uh, women or whatever it 0.96

00:20:09.700 might be. But one thing they also turn to is suicide. That's not an option. All right. I want

00:20:16.260 to tell you right now, I don't care what you're dealing with. That is not an option. It's not an

00:20:21.220 option for me. Why? Because my kids, my ex-wife, who I still care about and love this mission.

00:20:28.640 That's so important to me. I don't have the luxury of ending my life. There are people relying on me.

00:20:35.420 There are people who will be served by what I can offer today and into the future.

00:20:40.720 My life is valuable. It may be beat up. And as Theodore Roosevelt would say, marred by the

00:20:46.760 blood and sweat and tears, I think is the, is the term. It may be, but it's not over.

00:20:52.960 This is not the end. And if you're listening and you've had suicidal thoughts,

00:20:57.800 that ain't it, brother. That is not it. You're caught up in the moment and I get it. I under,

00:21:04.540 trust me. I get it. I'm intimately familiar. I'm in it. I'm, we're in the pit right now together.

00:21:09.620 You and me, I'm looking over at you and I can't even see you because it's so dark down here.

00:21:12.820 We're in this together. I get it. I know what it's like. I really do. But the answer is not

00:21:18.680 ending in. The answer is clawing and scraping our way out of this pit into a better place so we can

00:21:25.620 continue to serve the people that we care about. Lengthen out your time horizon. All right. Number

00:21:30.260 four, surround yourself with people who offer you grace and guidance, grace and guidance. When things

00:21:38.400 are going wrong in your life, it's going to really separate who's by your side and who isn't.

00:21:43.600 And there's a lot of people who I thought were in my corner who really weren't, but you know what?

00:21:48.420 I'm not going to focus on that. There are a lot of people who I didn't know were in my corner

00:21:54.620 who are in my corner because they've afforded me grace. And they put their arm around me and said,

00:22:01.480 Hey man, you're going to be okay. What do we need to do about this? I'm not saying they coddled me.

00:22:06.100 I'm not saying they're lulling me into the delusion that I had lulled myself into for so long. None of

00:22:12.180 that. I'm not interested in that. I mean, these guys are honest. Hey, you really messed this up.

00:22:16.460 You've really screwed this up. What are we going to do about it? You hear that? What are we going to

00:22:22.360 do about it? That's a brother. That's somebody who has your back. That's somebody who cares about you,

00:22:27.880 but they're not going to give you a pass. I'm not asking for passes. I'm asking that you stand by me.

00:22:32.380 You know, if you, if you, if you are a friend, if you, if you've said that you're a friend, that you

00:22:37.500 stand by people who are struggling, that's what they need. And if you're the one struggling, then

00:22:43.300 you better surround yourself with people who offer you grace and guidance, grace, and that they realize

00:22:48.080 you're human, that you mess up, that you struggle, that, that you're infallible, that, that all these

00:22:52.820 things, but also that you have potential to be so much more than you are right now. And they believe

00:23:00.280 it. They see it. And because they love you, they call you to work towards it. Now, look, it may not

00:23:05.860 always be as tactful as it could be, but they call you towards it. Brian, you can be better than this.

00:23:12.000 You are better than this. What do we need to do to get you back on the path? That's grace,

00:23:17.400 but it's also guidance. It's love. If you don't have people like that in your life, and you're only

00:23:22.180 listening to the naysayers and the people who hate you and the people who make things up about you and

00:23:26.320 the people who jump to conclusions about your life based on ignorant circumstances, that's going

00:23:31.480 to be a rough go telling you, cause I've had those people that a lot of people with, with, with hate

00:23:36.780 and hostility and animosity towards me. I've got a lot of people who want to actually see me fail

00:23:42.160 right now. I've got a lot of people who are overly critical, more critical than they need to be.

00:23:47.720 I've got a lot of people who are making a bunch of assumptions about my life based on nothing

00:23:51.820 because they don't know about it. But you know what? For every one of those individuals,

00:23:56.800 I've got a hundred, I've got a thousand people who are willing to offer grace and guidance.

00:24:01.740 And I'm not saying they need to come over and tickle my balls to make me feel better about my

00:24:04.840 situation. I'm saying, these are guys who hold me to the fire. Hey, you messed up, but you know what?

00:24:10.760 We're in this. I'm right by you. You messed up, but I'm still here and we're going to fix this.

00:24:16.820 You're going to do the work and I'm going to make sure you do it. That's what you need.

00:24:20.560 That's the kind of men you need in your corner. And those other guys, there's going to be,

00:24:25.540 and look, you got to let it go. I have to let it go. There's going to be a lot of you listening

00:24:31.280 to this podcast who are feeling like maybe some betrayal. It's understandable. Maybe you're

00:24:38.940 feeling that I was hypocritical, warranted. Maybe you feel like I'm a fraud. Okay. I'll accept that.

00:24:46.000 But also I have to let it go because I can't move forward if I get hung up on what people think of

00:24:51.940 me. And I'm going to walk towards the guys, as you should, who have your back, care about you,

00:24:57.400 love you, who will say what needs to be said and help you back on the path. All right. Last one,

00:25:02.860 guys. Number five, we need to understand our emotions, but we can't let them control us.

00:25:08.560 All right. You're going through a difficult time. I'm going through a difficult time to say that I'm

00:25:13.140 not emotional about what's going on would be a huge lie to you. I am emotional about this. I'm tore

00:25:18.940 up. I'm sad, frustrated, angry. Sometimes I'm optimistic. I have fear and uncertainty. That's

00:25:27.900 the reality. I'm not here to play games. I want to be really truthful with you. You have my commitment

00:25:33.520 that I'm going to lead from a different place moving forward. One of humility and truth. And I

00:25:39.000 didn't always have those things sometimes. Yeah. And a lot of times, no, but I'm going to lead from

00:25:44.400 a pace, a place of truth. I'm not going anywhere, but I'm not going to lie to you either and tell you,

00:25:48.840 I have it all figured out. Hope I've never done that. Cause I've never believed I did,

00:25:52.080 but it's really, really important that we understand our sorrow, that we understand our sadness,

00:25:57.680 that we understand our frustration, that we understand our anger, that we understand all of these

00:26:01.560 things that happen. And I don't have video for this episode, but I've got a little, I'm pulling

00:26:06.160 it out right now. So you may hear some drawers sliding around. I've got a little notebook right

00:26:09.440 here. It's a red notebook. And this is my journal. And every day I pull out my journal every morning

00:26:15.640 and I document, I document, I don't care what you call it, documentation or logging or journaling

00:26:22.480 or whatever works for you. It doesn't matter, but I document here what's going on in my life.

00:26:26.500 Not only what's going on in the physical realm, but what's going on in the mental and emotional

00:26:30.040 realm of my life. How am I feeling today? What am I experiencing? How do I feel about

00:26:35.000 that situation? What, what, what am I dealing with? How did today go? How are you feeling

00:26:39.020 about tomorrow? Look, I know there's common thread among a lot of these men's types organizations

00:26:45.700 that say you should not be experiencing emotion that you not, should not feel these things and

00:26:50.460 need to be stoic. And that's a misconception of stoicism, save that for a different discussion,

00:26:54.660 but that you need to pent it down. And what I would say to you is the guys, and I've done

00:26:58.860 this, but the guys who push down and suppress their emotions are some of the most emotionally

00:27:05.440 driven human beings on the planet. If you're trying to suppress your emotions and pretend

00:27:10.780 like you don't have them or make less of them than they are, then you are one of the most

00:27:14.700 emotionally volatile people on the planet. The guys who are not emotionally volatile, excuse

00:27:20.580 me, understand their emotions. They know they're sad or they know they're mad. They know they're

00:27:24.140 angry. They know they're upset. They know they're glad. They know their, their whole spectrum

00:27:27.300 of emotions. They know they're familiar with it and they embrace it and they use it to do

00:27:33.020 powerful things with it. So ironically suppressing our emotions makes us emotionally volatile.

00:27:41.540 Confronting our emotions, dealing with understanding, embracing our emotions makes us not only less

00:27:47.800 volatile, but it makes us much more productive because now we can move forward with our emotions as a

00:27:54.760 factor, but not the only factor. And so now when I'm sad about what's going on in my life,

00:28:02.640 and I am, I'm, I'm heartbroken for, for myself, for my wife, soon to be ex-wife, my, my children,

00:28:11.740 I'm heartbroken, but I'm not going to go wallow around in my own self-pity. I'm not going to go

00:28:17.020 self-destruct. I'm not going to go blow up what I've created. I'm not going to end my life. I'm not

00:28:21.440 going to do any of that because I'm heartbroken. I'm going to use it. Hey, I don't want to experience

00:28:25.860 this anymore. So what can I do to improve my life? Hey, I don't want my children to be heartbroken.

00:28:30.800 And so what am I going to do to show up in their lives? I don't want my wife to feel again,

00:28:36.900 it's going to be a hard habit to break, but my soon to be ex-wife, I don't want her to feel like 1.00

00:28:40.460 that. So how can I show up as appropriately as I can in my position to continue to serve her in a

00:28:45.900 powerful way as her partner and raising our children. So I'm using the emotion when there's

00:28:51.360 guilt and there's shame. And there is about even having this discussion with you today,

00:28:55.640 there's guilt and there's sorrow and there's shame and there is remorse. And I'm using it

00:29:01.540 in a way. Hopefully my goal is that I can share it with you maturely responsibly so that we can all

00:29:10.080 improve, that I can get better and that you can get better and we can all heal and we can all lead

00:29:14.580 the way that we need to lead. So let's recap. Number one, accept reality. Number two, separate

00:29:20.220 yourself. What would a man that you want to be do in this situation? Number three, lengthen out

00:29:25.700 your time horizon. Number four, surround yourself with people who offer grace and guidance. And number

00:29:31.880 five, understanding your emotions. But again, don't let those things control you. Use them as a factor,

00:29:37.480 as a metric, not the only factor. Guys, that's where we're at. Again, that was a hard,

00:29:43.700 really hard conversation. I would end by saying this. If you're feeling betrayed or you're feeling

00:29:51.280 like I'm a hypocrite and you're feeling like I'm a bit of a fraud or worse, I accept that.

00:29:58.560 I understand that. I think if I was in your situation, I would feel a lot of that too.

00:30:04.040 And if you feel like you can't listen or you can't be associated with what we're doing here

00:30:08.580 anymore, that's beyond my control. And I would understand that. But if you stick around what

00:30:16.580 you're going to see from me, and this is all I can control is a man who utilizes the tools and

00:30:21.780 the resources and everything that we've been sharing over the past eight years to rebuild his life

00:30:25.260 in a much more powerful way, completely different. I did not think I was be on this path,

00:30:30.060 completely different, but in a very powerful, powerful way. And we'll do it together.

00:30:35.180 There are many of you who have reached out, Hey, Ryan, I've noticed the tone of your message

00:30:38.800 has changed. Are you okay? What's going on? A lot of you guys have done that over the past six to

00:30:43.040 eight months. And I appreciate the concern. Now, you know, now, you know why. And it's my commitment

00:30:48.900 to continue to be humble because I am humbled. Boston said, you guys have heard me say it be humble or

00:30:55.100 get humbled. I got humbled. I got kicked in the face, kicked in the balls. So I'm going to continue

00:31:01.820 to work on being humble. I'm going to continue to lead this organization with humility and truth.

00:31:10.100 I'm not going to deceive, lie to you. I'm going to tell you exactly what I'm going through and what

00:31:13.780 I'm experiencing. Not because I need you to feel pity for me or want you to feel sorry, or I need

00:31:18.700 your clicks. I don't need any of that. I just want to serve. That's what I want. I want to serve you

00:31:24.040 being truthful, as painful as it is to me, because I would love to sweep the sun under the rug.

00:31:28.300 That's not going to serve you being truthful about a will. All right, guys, if there's other

00:31:32.580 things that you've done in the depths of despair and challenge and struggle, then please let me

00:31:36.860 know. Let us know. This is how we serve each other. This is a brotherhood. Stand by each other,

00:31:40.760 support each other, edify each other. Also allow yourself to be served, allow yourself to be helped.

00:31:46.600 That's what this is all about. All right, guys, that's it. I will be back on Tuesday for our Tuesday

00:31:52.460 episode. Until then, go out there, take action, and let's all become, not just you, but me as well,

00:31:56.820 all become the men you are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.

00:32:01.780 You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.

00:32:05.740 We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - April 07, 2023

Weather the Storm ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript