What it Means to Be a Real Man ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES
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Summary
What is a man? What does it mean to be a man and what does it take to be one? In this episode, Ryan talks about his definition of what a man is and why he believes that every man should strive to become a man.
Transcript
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You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly charge
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your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.
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You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who
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you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,
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you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Mickler.
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I'm the host and the founder of the Order Man podcast and movement. Welcome here today
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and welcome back. If you've been with us for any amount of time, you know this is a podcast
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and a movement dedicated to helping all of us, myself included, become the man that we have
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a desire to be. Men for ourselves, men for our family members, for our communities, and every
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other facet of life. So today we're going to talk about what is a real man. Now, obviously,
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as I share this, this is coming from me. I know the difference between fact and opinion.
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I know the difference between my perception of situations and my truth, if you will, which
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is a term I don't like, and absolute truth with a capital T. And what I'm sharing with you today
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is my perception, my opinion of it. But it's not just my opinion of it. It's also the opinion of
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millions and millions of human beings who have come and gone before us with regards to what does it
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mean to be a man? Because every once in a while, you'll hear things like a real man is or a real
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man does. And every time you hear or see that, there's going to be people who say that I'm wrong
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or their definition of what a real man is different. So I thought we'd all get on the
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same page. And then if you are, of course, on the same page, we can talk about what that looks like
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and how we can develop more of this in our own lives. Before I get into the meat of the discussion,
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I do want to let you know that we have the Iron Council, which is our exclusive brotherhood,
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is now open for enrollment for a very short window, a very brief moment in time. So if you're
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interested in banding with us and connecting with other like-minded men and walking through life
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shoulder to shoulder with other men who are in your corner, who have your back, who want to support
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you, who want to give you feedback and accountability and the tools that you need and are required to
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win and to thrive and to be the best that you can be as a man, then check out the Iron Council.
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You can do that at orderofman.com slash Iron Council. Again, orderofman.com slash Iron Council.
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All right, guys, let's talk about what a real man is. Whenever I have this discussion,
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there's always a debate about what it means to be a man. So I thought we'd start there and I want to
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be precise with my language because if we look at the definition of a man up until, I guess,
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relatively recently where people are trying to change the definition of man and woman, male and
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female, let me just tell you what the definition would be traditionally, that a man is an adult male,
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an adult human male. That's the definition. That's what a man would be.
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Okay. I'm going to take it a step further. And the reason I'm going to take a step further is
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because I know many adult human males who are not acting manly. Now they may be men according to
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that definition, but they're not acting like men. So what I'm going to say is that it goes above and
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beyond your anatomy and your age, obviously anatomy, uh, because we have young boys. I have
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three boys and I have a little daughter as well. Uh, but I, but I do have three boys and they're not
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men. We don't expect them to be men. They have the anatomy. They have the biological makeup,
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but they're not men. They're boys. They might be young men. My oldest is a young man,
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but they're still boys. Okay. It's not just the anatomy and it's not just the age. As I stated
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earlier, I know of plenty of adult aged males who I would not consider men. It goes deeper than that.
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It's how we show up. It's how we perform. It's what we do. It's how we engage with experiences
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around us. It's how we lead others. And so what I would suggest to you is that a man is not only an
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adult biological male, human male, but a real man is somebody who is on the path of making himself
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a protector, a provider, and a presider preside synonymous with leadership. That's what it's
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been throughout thousands and thousands of years of human history. And that's what it is today. And
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it isn't until the relative ease of modernity that we've even been able to call into question.
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What is a man? What is a woman? Because every other culture before this knows exactly what it is
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and knows the roles and knows what men excel at generally and what women excel at generally,
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and have not had to call that into question because we needed to step into these roles respectively
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in order to secure the human race, in order to procreate, in order to keep ourselves safe from
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dinosaurs and saber-toothed tigers, in order to hunt and provide for the family, in order to ward off
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predators and warring tribes and neighbors, in order for women to bond collectively together,
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to be able to turn houses into homes and make the community an environment that is nurturing and
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supportive. Everybody throughout all of history has known this. And now because we have it so easy,
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and we do, that's not to discount challenging times that people are going through, but the
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challenges that we struggle with are significantly less than the challenges our ancestors did.
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The odds of you having to ward off a dangerous predator to stay alive are significantly lower than
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they were a thousand years ago. So that's why we're calling it into question now. But here's what I've
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found is that in moments and times of challenge and strife and turmoil and danger, men and women
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naturally and inevitably will fall back into their default roles and responsibilities based on not some
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societal construct, but a biological construct that is supported societally. When there's wars to be
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fought, men go fight those wars. When there's danger or an emergency, it's men who go into that calling,
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into that battle. That's what the men do. Now, are there women who do that? Sure. Absolutely. So it's not
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exclusively true, but generally those are the roles and responsibilities. So a man, according to me,
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and again, I want to be precise, my language is an adult human male, but above and beyond that,
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somebody who's learning to and on the path to become a protector, a provider and a presider and
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not just for himself, by the way, a man is a man when he learns to be able to take care of himself,
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but also in such a great capacity that now he can use his, his excess, his resources to turn around
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and provide for his wife and his children and his neighbors and his community members and the people
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that he loves and cares about. And even people who can't do it for themselves.
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So I would suggest that if you can take care of yourself and provide your own path, but you're
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not doing it for people around you, that's not what I would consider manly behavior. I mean, great
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that you're taking care of yourself and you're a self-sustaining member of society, but unless you're
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learning to turn that outwards and serve others, I don't think you're acting the way that men behave.
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So let's talk about this. We'll break it down into segments. We'll talk about protect,
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provide, and then preside last with protect. Here's what a real man does. A real man knows
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that he's a protector. And in order to be a protector of not only his things
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and his boundaries and his home and his community, but also his people,
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his family members, his colleagues, his coworkers. How many times have we heard of
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potential mass shootings where you have two opposite ends of the extreme? A man who charges
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a would-be murderer and subdues or kills that would-be murderer. And on the opposite end of the
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spectrum, how often do we hear of adult males who run and hide and cower in the corner when confronted
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with danger and violence? Who is the bigger man? All things equal. I would say the one who
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runs towards the aggressor and is the protector. We would all absolutely say that that is the bigger
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man. It's the one who can protect, protect himself, protect his property, protect his boundaries,
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and protect his people. How do we do this? Number one, guys, we got to get on the path to health.
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I try not to be as a judgmental here. And I don't know people's situations when I see them
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or interact with them. I see what I'm presented with, whether it's their physical appearance
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or a brief conversation that they decide to share or something that I see on social media. And so I
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can't accurately judge and I don't even want to be judgmental. But I will say that unless we're
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working to get healthier, we're not being as manly as we could otherwise be. So a man has his health
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in check. He's losing weight. He's getting in shape. He's building stamina. He's building strength.
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He's fueling his body correctly. Why? Because if push comes to shove, I want to be the kind of guy
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that can handle myself in a physical confrontation and I can protect what's mine and what deserves to
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be protected, what I honor and what I cherish and what I find value in. And if I'm 50, 60, 100,
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150 plus pounds overweight, and I can't run a mile, let alone a hundred yards, and I can't fight and I
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can't shoot and I'm weak and I can't fight my way out of a wet paper bag. That's no way that a man
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shows up. He's going to find himself wanting in that situation and he's going to put others in
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danger. Remember when I said that a man not only takes care of and provides for himself, but for
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others, that's being an asset to other people. The antithesis to that is being a liability,
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meaning that not only is your presence neutral, it actually is more dangerous having you around.
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Now, I can't tell you that I've always been the epitome of health and I'm not even right now.
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There's plenty of men out there who are stronger and bigger and faster and more equipped and more
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skilled than I am. But again, you don't have to be 100% proficient on all of these things,
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but you should be on the path. You should be on the path to becoming a man.
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I'm sometimes cautious of using the word should, but in this case, if you want to be a real man,
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then you should be doing these things. You should be going to the gym. You should be
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training some form of martial arts. You should know how to use a firearm. You should be aware
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of your surroundings. You should have provisions in place. You should have plans. Should something
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go wrong? When's the last time you have an emergency preparedness plan? I'm actually sitting
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in an Airbnb right now. And in every one of the rooms, I see an escape plan printed up.
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That might be for some legal reasons, but that's a pretty good idea.
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So everybody knows in certain situations, whether it's an earthquake or a fire or an intruder,
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what you should be doing. Are you doing that? Do you know what you would do? Now, granted,
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as a man, we often pretend like we have it all figured out. Oh, you know, if I ever dealt with a
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violent encounter, this is what I would do. How do you know? How do you know? If you've never been
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confronted with violence or you've never been in a violent situation, even in some sort of
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controlled environment like training, how do you know unequivocally that that's how you would show
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up? We tend to think more highly of ourself and our performance, but in the environment,
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we find ourselves less than worthy of being able to deal with it.
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So guys, what I would suggest to you is maybe get out a piece of paper or a notebook or on your phone
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and write this down as a checklist and under the heading protect, ask yourself what you're doing
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for daily training, physical training, lifting weights, running, swimming, biking, whatever your
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thing is. What skill sets do you have? Do you know how to fight? Do you know how to throw a punch?
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Do you know how to take a punch? Do you know how to wrestle or grapple on the ground? Do you know
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how to shoot? Do you have a knife? Can you use a knife? Can you defend against a knife attack?
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What about natural disasters? What if there's a fire in your house in the middle of the night?
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What does everybody do? Does everybody know? Quiz them, ask them. If they don't know,
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you got to figure that out. What about an earthquake? What about an intruder? If somebody broke into
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your home in the middle of the night, would your kids know what to do? Would your wife know what to do?
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Don't assume that everybody knows and don't assume that you're going to have it figured out
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in that moment because I can assure you that that's a variable, the middle of the night,
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dark, intruder, surprised, element of surprise that you just can't handle to the degree that
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you can if you're more proficient thinking about it ahead of time. When you get out of the car,
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the parking lot of Walmart, do you look around? Are you looking for oddities? You're looking for
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things that are out of the ordinary, potential danger, potential risk. Are you teaching that
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to your people, your coworkers? What if there's an active shooter situation? If you're an employer
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and you haven't gone through an active shooting situation, shame on you. We should do better in
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this department. Are all of your employees medically trained? I'm not saying they have to be EMTs,
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but do they know basic medical life-saving skills? Do they know CPR? Is that something you
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could provide to them? Does that make a better environment for them and the people around them?
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Absolutely. And it makes you a better man. All right, let's talk about point number two,
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which is to provide. Provide. Now, when I say this, we all know this. You hear it all the time.
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Men are protectors and providers. We know this. What am I talking about here? Well, I'm not just
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talking about physical provision, although that is an element of it. Financial provision, home,
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shelter, food, the necessities on Maslow's hierarchy of needs, the necessities of life.
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But the things that we often overlook, and I have been guilty of this probably more so than
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most of the men listening to this, is the emotional and mental support that our family
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and our friends and our community needs. And I would also add the spiritual element of it as well.
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Are you providing these things? Or are you incapable of dealing with them for yourself? Are you in
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emotional turmoil? Are you emotionally immature? Are you a ticking time bomb? When confronted with
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challenging and difficult situations, does your mind break because you've never been confronted with
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anything difficult and hard before? Because if you can't do it for yourself, I assure you, you're not
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going to be able to do it for other people. We can't. Now, we think we can. In that moment, in that moment
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that people need me or the situation calls for it, I will step up. No, you won't. You may have a desire in
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that moment to step up, but you will cower and you will break and you will not step up because you are not
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trained to do it and you do not have the capacity to do it. Unless you're training, unless you're
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building out skill sets, unless you're doing difficult things, unless you're confronting your
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emotions. I talked about that on last week's Friday Field Notes, I believe, emotional intelligence
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101. If you're not doing these things for yourself, you're not going to be able to provide them for other
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people. And I want to do that. When my kids are dealing with something difficult, I want to be the rock.
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I want to be a beacon of stability emotionally and mentally for them.
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When hard things are presented, I want them to know that, hey, dad can do it. Dad does hard things.
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I want them to be able to turn to me and see a man who's not only doing difficult things,
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but confronting and facing his fear so that I can draw upon that and they can draw upon that
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and they can use that as fuel to do the same thing in their own life.
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I want to make sure that I have food on the table.
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I want to make sure there's a roof over their head.
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I want to make sure that they have the financial means to pay for their sports programs, for example,
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or to go on incredible trips or to take them hunting, which I'm doing with my children this year.
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It also means that I'm actively and always working to develop and build out my skill sets.
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See, there's a lot of misconception and I don't think so much anymore, but for example, that the arts
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So that's a painter or photographer or a musician.
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You might hear or think that cooking, look, I'm not here to judge what you do to provide.
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As long as it's moral, legal, and ethical, I would say good on you.
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It's about the fact that you are providing by doing it.
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So if you're a photographer, I don't consider that less manly and you're putting food on the table.
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I don't consider that less manly than a guy who's putting food on the table by fighting.
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You're both using a skill set that you have to provide for yourself and the people that you love
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So develop and build out your skill set in your chosen, chosen career path.
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If it's painting, if it's artistry, if it's cooking, if it's hunting, if it's fighting,
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if it's a mechanic, if it's podcasting, if it's sports, if it's radio, journalism,
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I don't know what it is, but what, with whatever it is, there's a skill set that you can work
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and develop. And what happens oftentimes is we either become complacent or we think we have
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everything figured out and there's nothing else to learn. And I can assure you that there's always
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something to learn. I would also say this with regards to physical provision is the discipline
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to do what is necessary to provide for your family. I hear from a lot of guys who are like,
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man, I hate my job and I find no value and satisfaction in it. And while I can understand,
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and I think we can have that discussion and we have about how to find meaning and purpose in
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current work and develop new work that provides different meaning and significance in your life.
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What I would say is that I commend you and I honor you. If you get your butt out of bed every single
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day and you go into a job that you hate because you care enough about your family to do it,
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there's ways to build out a different kind of life that will be more meaningful for you.
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But in the meantime, I commend you for that. I think highly of you for that.
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Guys, we've all done things that we don't like and can just think about that. Think about a man who
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just is so miserable at his current work and where he spends most of his time. And yet he does it
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every single day, day in and day out, because he wants to make sure that little Timmy can be on the
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football team this year and has to pay that $200 registration fee. That's manly. Now, again,
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we can talk about how to build out a different life and we will, but doing what is necessary
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is the work of men. Having emotional stability by confronting and dealing with your own emotions
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so you can help your people do the same is manly. Building out your own mental fortitude by doing hard
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and difficult things, challenging things and making yourself capable and proving yourself
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worthy of accomplishing those things so you can teach your family how to do it, that's manly.
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The last one, guys, I want to talk about is preside. So this is leadership. Your job is to lead.
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You are called to lead. You are built to lead. It's in your DNA. Now, whether you'll do it or not,
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that's a different story, but you are called to lead. And there's soft skills and there's hard
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skills that you need. But at the end of the day, I would say this. Your ability to communicate
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effectively. Your ability to have a vision. Your ability to communicate that vision.
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Your ability to create a plan. Your ability to communicate that plan. Your ability to hold people
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accountable. Your ability to read people so that you can understand what they're experiencing or
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what they need from you as a leader so that you can motivate and inspire them. And also our level
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of integrity. Now, all of us fall out of integrity from time to time. And that happens. I'm not going
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to say it's okay. It's not okay for me to be out of integrity, but it would be lying if I said that I
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always am. But our job is to be in integrity. And what I mean by that is leading by doing what we
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expect our followers to do. And when we mess up, admit those faults, admit those failures, even as a
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leader. Yes, believe it or not, we can admit those faults and those failures as a leader and then
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realign ourselves or get back in integrity. That's how we build influence, credibility,
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and authority. And by the way, the more you do that, the more it makes up and allows for times
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when you do diverge from the path. And you will. Not purposefully, not deliberately, maybe sometimes,
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but it happens. Life happens. We falter. We mess up. We screw up. It's not okay.
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But it's to be expected. What's unforeseen is whether or not we'll get up and dust ourselves
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off, get back on the path, and get back in integrity to do the right thing. And if you
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can do that, you can communicate effectively with people, then you are being a real man.
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Being a real man doesn't mean you don't ever falter or that you're perfect. It means that when
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you do, you get back on the path quickly and you adapt and you adjust and you get better and you
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improve. And then you help other people do the same. So contrary to popular belief and these modern
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times that we so often hear, there is such a thing as a real man. And I believe that it's objectively
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true. It's not subjective. Protection, provision, presiding. That's the work of men. That's not
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subject to interpretation. That is what we are meant to do. It's not up for debate. And we can
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talk about how we do that, how we protect, how best to do it. What's the most proficient way to do it?
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We can talk about how to best provide and how to best lead. And I'll have that conversation with you
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all day long. In fact, we should be having those conversations. That's what this podcast is about.
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How do we do this to the best of our ability? How do we make ourselves better? But there are real men.
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That's the kind of man I want to be. I think that's the kind of man that you guys want to be
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because you're listening to this podcast. And if you do as I do, then we need to constantly be working
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to make ourselves more capable of protecting, providing, and presiding for ourselves and the
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capacity to do that for our loved ones and people who can't do it for themselves.
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Let me know what you guys think. If you agree, awesome. If you disagree, that's fine. Tell me what
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you disagree with. Let's have it out. Let's talk about it. Let's discuss it. But more importantly,
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let's go to work on doing it. I think it's Marcus Aurelius. He says, waste no more time arguing what
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a good man should be. Be one. Guys, we know what a man should be and we don't need to get tripped up
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over the words and all this kind of thing. I think it's important we be precise with our language,
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but at the end of the day, you all know that there is behavior of men just as I do. And I'm not always
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in alignment with that just like you are, but we should always be working towards improving
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ourselves and making ourselves better. Okay? That's all I've got. Leave me a message. Hit me
00:25:36.160
up on Instagram. Hit me up on Facebook, wherever, email, whatever. Let me know what you think about
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the podcast. Let me know what you think about this episode. Let me know what you agree with. And even
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if you disagree, we can talk about that as well. All right, guys, we will be back next week. Until
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then, go out there, take action, make yourself a man. Come the man you are meant to be.
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Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life
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and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the Order at orderofman.com.