Order of Man - What to Do to Fix Relationships

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart

00:00:04.980 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.460 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.200 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.780 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, part of life is screwing up. We mess up our relationships.

00:00:28.780 We mess up potential client relationships. We make missteps. We screw people over inadvertently,

00:00:34.800 maybe even deliberately. But life is full of missteps, miscalculations, looking after our

00:00:41.780 own interests, self-interest, and it's not always as virtuous as we'd like it to be.

00:00:49.780 But often I met with questions about what do we do in those moments when you screw up a relationship

00:00:54.500 or you have an outburst or you yell at somebody or you take something personally that you shouldn't

00:01:00.900 and lash out in an inappropriate way. How do you begin to repair the damage that has been done?

00:01:06.280 And I think that's a faulty premise. Now, I am going to talk about that question in the spirit

00:01:10.600 in which it's asked and give you today six key things that you can incorporate in your life

00:01:15.660 every single time that you screw up to get yourself not only back on track,

00:01:20.660 but to help reestablish and rebuild the relationship that you may have damaged.

00:01:25.080 Now, guys, before we get to that, I just want to welcome you to the Order of Man podcast.

00:01:28.840 If you are new to what we're doing here, this is a podcast and a movement dedicated to giving you

00:01:33.620 the tools, conversations, and resources you need to thrive as a man. So if there's events,

00:01:40.300 our Iron Council, which is our exclusive brotherhood, is opening up this Friday,

00:01:43.840 actually today as of the release of this podcast. If you head to orderofman.com

00:01:47.520 slash Iron Council, you can watch a very short video and learn more about the resources,

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00:01:58.720 path. We have entrepreneurs, we have business owners, we have family men, we have clergy, we have

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00:02:10.040 and learn from them. So check that out today at orderofman.com slash Iron Council.

00:02:14.220 All right, guys, let's get into this. This was brought to my attention from a recent

00:02:19.380 question that we fielded earlier in the week on Wednesday on our Ask Me Anything when somebody

00:02:24.920 said, how do you repair the damage that has been done? And specifically in the context of a relationship

00:02:30.660 with children. Guys, this is something I'm familiar with. If you don't know my story, I won't get into all

00:02:37.460 the details right now. I've been very vocal about this in the past, but I went through a divorce.

00:02:42.440 Obviously, my kids are impacted by those circumstances. And I've spent a lot of time

00:02:49.720 over the past year and a half now, rebuilding those relationships, reestablishing relationships,

00:02:55.740 letting them know that I care about them, that I am involved, that I want to be involved fighting

00:03:00.280 for my rights as a father to be able to be engaged with my kids. And it's been a worthy battle,

00:03:07.180 not always easy, not always comfortable, but of course, a worthy battle. And I feel that this

00:03:12.060 question, and the first thing I said earlier in the week is that it's a bit of a faulty premise.

00:03:16.660 You can't repair the damage that has been done. What's been done has been done. So the first thing

00:03:23.480 that I would give to you as a bonus before I even get into the six points is be very, very careful

00:03:28.720 with your words and your actions, especially when you're in the heat of the moment. It's very easy to

00:03:35.840 lose your cool. It's very easy to lash out at other people to say things that you don't mean that

00:03:41.780 you're going to later regret. It's so easy to do that in a very heated, emotionally driven,

00:03:48.160 emotionally charged discussion, or maybe even argument or shouting match. So what I would suggest

00:03:54.360 is when you do feel your blood boiling, when you do feel yourself getting upset, the temperature is

00:04:00.000 rising, both literally and figuratively is just pause the conversation, pause what's going on,

00:04:07.280 take a step back, disengage, go for a walk, go take a shower, go work out, change the environment,

00:04:14.400 go engage in a hobby, call a friend, have a different type of conversation, whatever you can do

00:04:19.700 to get yourself out of that environment, not indefinitely, because that's just running and

00:04:25.320 cowering and retreating. We don't do that as men, but it gives us a chance to regroup. And then we can

00:04:32.100 strategize about how we want to approach this conversation. So if things aren't going well with

00:04:36.100 a significant other, rather than letting the argument go on and on and on, and the volume

00:04:43.060 increases, the pace in which you're talking increases, the attitude, the bad attitude that you have,

00:04:50.700 the potential insults, the passive aggressive statements and comments that you might make

00:04:55.640 continue to increase, that's a really good indicator for you to say, Hey, you know what,

00:05:00.280 hon? Look, I know this conversation is getting heated right now. I don't want this to go to a place

00:05:05.400 where it's creating damage. So I'm just going to take a break. I'm done talking about this right now.

00:05:11.960 I will revisit with you, whether that's later this evening or tomorrow, once we've had a chance to

00:05:17.500 cool off, but I'm not interested in having this conversation because I want to make sure I'm

00:05:22.200 coming at it with a level head. Now that's going to be really hard if you've never done that before.

00:05:26.600 And it may be hard on her, especially if she's an anxious attachment, she wants to address things

00:05:31.600 immediately. That's how I tend to be. And so if there's issues, it's harder for me to take a step

00:05:36.500 back and a pause, but it's so valuable and it's much needed. And if you come back and you have a track

00:05:41.980 record of coming back to the conversation with a level head, with, with, with a goal that serves

00:05:48.620 everybody, and you have a track record of doing that, then she's going to see that when you do say,

00:05:52.980 Hey, I need a pause. She's going to see it as a pause. And she'll know that you're going to come

00:05:57.880 back and have a better conversation with her. And that's whether that's romantic or, or a friendship

00:06:03.440 or a professional relationship that works in all of those cases. So be very, very careful.

00:06:08.840 Um, I'm fairly decent with my words. I use my words on a daily basis as do we all,

00:06:13.760 but I'm a professional communicator. So I can say things that, that hurt, that sting. It's,

00:06:20.260 it's not always pretty. And I have to be very, very cautious of that. So with that said, let's say

00:06:25.840 you've done something, you've said something, maybe it's a, an acute slip up. Maybe it's a track

00:06:32.840 record of you just habitually just botching relationships and arguing and yelling and things like

00:06:38.420 this. What do we do about it? Well, number one, you have to realize you can't undo the past.

00:06:42.640 What's done is done. That's why I said, just don't do it in the first place, but let's assume you've

00:06:46.040 done it. Number one, own the mistake. Just own it. It's so refreshing. How often have you heard

00:06:52.820 somebody say to you, Hey, you know what? I screwed up. I came at this the wrong way. I'm sorry for what

00:06:58.960 I did. I should not have acted like that. I should not have said those things. I should not have done

00:07:03.500 what I did. And I just want you to know that I am genuinely sorry for what I did. I recognize

00:07:08.820 that I was in the wrong, uh, or I recognize that what we were upset about had less to do with you

00:07:15.020 and more to do with what I was dealing with. And I see that and I'm sorry. That is a powerful

00:07:20.980 statement because it isn't one that's used too often. And so when somebody actually says that in

00:07:27.500 earnest, the other party is inevitably naturally going to listen because they're not used to hearing it.

00:07:33.780 They're used to people giving the silent treatment. They're used to people stonewalling,

00:07:40.120 gaslighting, manipulating, yelling back, getting defensive, argumentative, rationalization,

00:07:46.780 justification. That's what other people are used to. In fact, that's what your people,

00:07:52.140 your wife, your kids, your colleagues, your coworkers, your boss, your clients, et cetera,

00:07:55.780 expect of you. So when you come to them and you say, Hey, you know what, hon, last night we got into

00:08:00.960 this argument and it was stupid and it was silly. And I was upset about something else and I'm sorry.

00:08:07.580 I approached it wrong. What I should have done was this or how I should have handled it was this,

00:08:13.460 or what I should have said was this. And I'm very sorry. Now, one thing about apologies is they cannot

00:08:19.840 be contingent upon the other person's response. Let me give an example. You say something that you

00:08:28.680 shouldn't say to your wife. And you're thinking about it later that evening or in the morning and

00:08:33.700 you think, man, I was a real jerk. And so I'm going to apologize just to get on her good graces.

00:08:42.700 That's not a good reason to apologize. Apologizing to make somebody else feel better

00:08:47.660 isn't really the point of an apology. The point of an apology is to admit fault. It's not so you can

00:08:56.280 feel better. And we'll talk more about that. But the first stage of this is an apology.

00:09:00.360 It's not to make somebody else feel better about what you did. It's just to admit that you were

00:09:05.420 wrong. So you go to your wife and you say, Hey, I'm sorry, hon, about what I said. I shouldn't have

00:09:09.540 said that. And she lashes back out because she's still frustrated about what you said.

00:09:13.820 So she lashes out instead of receiving that apology, the way that you would have liked her to

00:09:17.780 receive it. She lashes back out at you and say, well, you know what? Screw you. I'm not sorry

00:09:21.760 because I dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. And you go right back into the conversation or the argument

00:09:26.360 that you had the night before. That's a good indicator that you were not apologizing sincerely.

00:09:33.660 It wasn't in earnest and you weren't doing it for the right reason. A genuine apology has nothing

00:09:39.120 to do with the way the other party receives it. So if I were to go to somebody and say, Hey, I'm sorry

00:09:44.700 for what I did. And they didn't respond the way that I would have hoped that's irrelevant because

00:09:49.820 whether they're upset or happy or accept my apology or don't accept my apology, I'm still

00:09:54.260 sorry about the way that I acted. And that's the only thing that I have control over.

00:10:00.160 So in step number one, owning your mistake and apologizing, it's not contingent on what the other

00:10:06.140 party says, does, or how they respond. Number two is now we begin to make amends. And the way you

00:10:12.960 make amends is by fixing whatever you did to the degree that you can. Let's say that you

00:10:19.260 committed to your son that you would go play baseball with him. And you got busy at work

00:10:26.420 and you didn't get it done because you were busy and you came home and you didn't have the time and

00:10:31.880 you didn't make the time and he feels less important and you recognize what happened. Or maybe your wife

00:10:35.760 tells you, or one of your kids tells you what's going on. And so you come to your son the next

00:10:39.480 morning and you say, Hey, but I'm sorry. I was busy and I shouldn't have been busy. I should have

00:10:44.440 made time because I committed to doing that. And I am sorry for that mistake. Making amends is how

00:10:51.600 about we go get a game of catching right now? Or another scenario, maybe you overcharge somebody

00:10:59.760 or there's some sort of financial discrepancy with a professional relationship that you have.

00:11:06.200 The first step is, Hey, you know what? I'm sorry. I have this happen quite often. Actually,

00:11:10.600 I'll have somebody who leaves the iron council, but maybe they don't log out correctly or close

00:11:15.820 their account or close it, cancel it correctly. And they'll reach out and they'll say, Hey,

00:11:20.060 I closed my account, but I got billed this month. Okay. So the first thing I do is apologize.

00:11:25.520 Hey, I'm sorry. Cause I don't want that to happen. I'm not in the business of taking people's money

00:11:30.200 who are not interested in investing it in the way that we had to offer. So my, my apology is genuine.

00:11:35.260 I'm sorry. And we always look for ways to improve our system. So I say, I'm sorry. I, I, I apologize

00:11:41.640 that that was overlooked. Step number two, make amends. Let me go ahead and issue a refund. And

00:11:46.640 I issue that refund immediately. I don't drag my feet. I don't question about like, well, you didn't

00:11:51.940 sign up, right? So that's your problem. No, I'm making amends, making it whole to the degree that I

00:11:59.660 can. Now we can't always do that, especially when it comes to our words. What I said earlier,

00:12:04.120 what's done is done when it comes to our words, but our actions, a lot of the times you can make

00:12:09.400 up for, you can go play catch with your son. You can issue the refund. You can give people their

00:12:14.840 money back. You can do what you committed to doing. Now, maybe it's late, but you can do,

00:12:18.680 you can fulfill the responsibility. Late is better than never. So you're going to make amends to the

00:12:24.280 degree that you can. So step number one, again, on the mistake, apologize. Step number two is to make

00:12:29.620 amends. Step number three is, I think this is very important. We're going to ask for expectations

00:12:37.160 when it's appropriate. It's not always appropriate. So I throw that disclaimer in there. But if I get

00:12:42.200 into an argument with my girlfriend and we have a knockout, drag out fight, whatever, and we haven't,

00:12:49.960 but let's just say that happens. And I come to the table the next morning and I say, you know what?

00:12:54.900 I'm sorry. I acted like a complete fool last night. I was frustrated about something at work

00:12:59.900 and I lashed out and took it out on you. I'm very sorry about that. You know, and you try to make

00:13:05.660 amends to the degree that you can, you explain what happened and you don't make any justification

00:13:09.720 for it. You just explain it and you say, I'm sorry. Okay. So now where does this come into play

00:13:14.620 with the expectations? Well, what I would say in this case is in the future, it always starts with that

00:13:22.180 statement in the future. So in this scenario, I would say in the future, when I'm stressed out

00:13:28.340 about work, I'm going to commit to you to compartmentalize that. I'm not going to say

00:13:34.220 I'm never going to be stressed. Of course I am, but I'm not going to use you as the outlet for my stress.

00:13:41.480 Is there anything that you would like to tell me to make sure that I show up in a way that is helpful

00:13:46.760 for this relationship? And she might say, yeah, I don't appreciate you saying this or you doing this

00:13:52.620 one thing. There's certain gestures that people do that I know bother people. I have gestures that

00:13:57.500 people do when I'm in a debate, like rolling eyes, for example, is one. Like I don't appreciate when

00:14:02.660 I'm trying to have a conversation with somebody, even if it's, you know, contentious or confrontational

00:14:07.860 and they roll their eyes. I don't like that. So if, if I'm having a conversation with somebody I care

00:14:13.640 about and they care about me, an expectation of mine would be, Hey, you know, I really have a hard

00:14:18.140 time when you roll your eyes, that that is a complete lack of respect. And I don't appreciate

00:14:22.920 that. So in the future, let's have a discussion, but please don't roll your eyes at me or don't,

00:14:27.980 don't do the like, whatever. Like that's another one that drives me crazy. Cause that's dismissive.

00:14:32.820 I don't, I don't appreciate that. I don't respond well to that. So right now, what we're doing is

00:14:37.000 we're managing expectations and we don't need to be contentious about it. We don't need to argue about it.

00:14:42.660 It's just simply something that I want to make sure is communicated. I don't like when you roll

00:14:47.940 your eyes or I don't like when you make that statement or that, whatever, that, that thing,

00:14:52.880 I don't like that. And so you communicate that expectation and you ask for them not to do that.

00:14:58.580 Okay. And then you also communicate your expectation. Hey, in the future, I'm going to

00:15:02.900 make sure that I uphold that, but also please, I would like to make sure that we can't, when I'm

00:15:07.980 stressed or when we're having a conversation, um, you know, that, that we are able to work it out

00:15:13.760 and we don't run away from the conversation. But if something's really bothering you, please let me

00:15:17.360 know so I can approach it and begin to work on it. This is the way healthy people communicate,

00:15:23.200 making sure that we understand where we're coming from and how we communicate in an effective manner.

00:15:29.580 So again, it's asking for expectations when appropriate. It's not always appropriate.

00:15:33.780 And so I'll let you decipher when that is, but it's not always number four is now it's a changed

00:15:38.780 behavior. It's a changed behavior. So to go back to that scenario, you have, you have an argument

00:15:43.620 with your, your, your girlfriend, your, your significant other, your spouse, and your stress

00:15:47.840 from work. And you, uh, lash out at her in some unreasonable way. What you've done is you've

00:15:53.220 owned a mistake. Hey, hon, I'm sorry. I acted like a fool last night. You apologize. I'm very sorry.

00:15:58.400 Uh, and, and then you make amends if possible, if possible, you can't really make amends in

00:16:04.300 that situation, but then you, uh, set the expectations. Hey, in the future, when I'm

00:16:09.880 stressed about work, I'm going to compartmentalize that. I'm not going to bring that baggage here

00:16:13.500 to the conversation. I may share it with you, but I'm not going to use you as the scapegoat for my

00:16:17.860 stress. And what expectations do you have of me? And then hopefully she says, these are the

00:16:22.320 expectations. You can say, God, I can do that. And now it's a matter of doing it. Now it's where the

00:16:27.240 rubber meets the road. Can you actually do what you said you're going to do? Now, this is tricky

00:16:33.040 because a lot of the times we have long-term relationships and you've built a pattern.

00:16:37.460 You've conditioned the people in your life to believe that you're going to behave a certain way.

00:16:43.460 So if you always lash out at your wife, because you're stressed at work and you go through this

00:16:47.800 process, you own the mistake, you apologize, you make amends, you ask for expectations, you,

00:16:52.120 you clarify what expectations she can have of you. She's probably not going to

00:16:57.080 believe that you're going to change the behavior because you've gone through this bull crap before

00:17:01.640 you've done all this. Everything I'm sharing with you, you guys already know. And in fact,

00:17:05.180 a lot of you are using it as a manipulation tactic. You do it and you say these things just

00:17:10.340 so she'll feel better about your lack of showing up in an appropriate way for her.

00:17:16.560 So when the rubber meets the road, which is now action and you get stressed at work and that's

00:17:21.920 inevitable and you come home and you're stressed out because of the project or a client or the

00:17:26.100 deadline and she's just trying to be there and be supportive and ask questions and you go use

00:17:31.000 her as a scapegoat, she's going to think that that's what you're going to revert to. So don't

00:17:36.480 blame her for what you've conditioned her to believe about you. I hear that from a lot of guys.

00:17:42.740 Well, my wife doesn't trust me. My boss doesn't believe in me. My kids don't love me.

00:17:48.920 Why is that the case? Let's ask ourselves that. Why? Is it because we've conditioned them

00:17:55.240 to believe that we're going to react a certain way? So this is not a game, guys. What I'm teaching

00:18:03.160 you right now is not to game the system and to make people feel better about your lack of performance.

00:18:10.020 It's actually changed behavior forever. So when you're stressed out at work, your response is,

00:18:18.120 hey, hon, you know what? I know we got a lot going on. I know I told you I'd mow the lawn this

00:18:23.160 afternoon and I will get to that. I'm very stressed at work right now. Missed a deadline

00:18:27.880 and lost a big client today. I'm just going to take 10 quick minutes. I'm going to go take a

00:18:33.200 shower real quick or I'm just going to go for a walk around the neighborhood, go check the mail,

00:18:36.540 whatever, whatever your thing is, little outlet. And I'll come back and I'll have a conversation

00:18:42.240 with you. I'll go mow the lawn. I'll do what the things that we said we're going to do tonight.

00:18:45.220 I just, I need 10 minutes. Now, again, she may not believe that, but if you take your 10 minutes,

00:18:51.360 not 15, not 20, not two hours, but you take your 10 minutes and you come back with a level head,

00:18:56.820 refreshed, ready to engage with her and your kids, ready to mow the lawn, be there for dinner,

00:19:02.620 all the things that she said you do. She's going to start to believe that over time.

00:19:07.360 It's not a one and done because I'll hear that often too. Well, I did everything you said,

00:19:11.440 she's still pissed at me. Well, yeah, you've been doing something else for 20 years and that's

00:19:16.900 what she believes. In fact, she might even think, cause I told you, this is not manipulation.

00:19:21.480 She might even believe that you're trying to manipulate her.

00:19:27.000 She might even think, well, you just listened to that, that podcast. And that's the only reason

00:19:30.840 you're doing this. She probably will believe that because it's so alien. It's so foreign to her.

00:19:36.760 And the only way to help her see, or your client see, or your boss see, or your kids,

00:19:42.340 or whoever you're trying to repair damage with is consistent, steady action over years and decades,

00:19:50.900 just like you've done the poor actions over decades. All right, the next one. So we have

00:19:58.260 own your mistakes, apologize, make amends. Then we have number three, ask and give expectations.

00:20:03.880 Number four, change the behavior over the long haul. And then number five, check-ins.

00:20:09.160 It's important to check in, but we're not doing this for validation reasons. And there's a,

00:20:14.000 there's a really big distinction here because if you're validation seeking, it's going to come

00:20:19.440 across as disingenuous. So let's say we'll go back to this scenario with your wife. So you can see,

00:20:23.520 like, this is common. I hear this a lot. This is why I'm talking about a lot. You get an argument

00:20:28.440 with your wife, you do all the things I tell you to do. And then you go to her and you're like,

00:20:32.700 Hey, like, am I doing better? Like, how am I doing? Are you like, are you feeling better about

00:20:36.080 this? Like, am I doing better at this? That's validation seeking. The motive of doing that

00:20:41.460 is so you feel better about the way that you show up. And that's not really the motive that

00:20:46.520 we want to have when we're doing check-ins. The motive is to check in with her about how she's

00:20:52.080 feeling. So if you're checking is, Hey, like, are we good? Like, is everything okay? Like,

00:20:56.440 am I, how am I doing? Am I okay? Like, what do you think about this? Am I doing better at that?

00:21:01.420 That's all self-centered. And I get into that because again, I'm, I'm an anxious attachment

00:21:06.840 style. So when things don't always go my way, it's very easy for me to look at it as a personal

00:21:13.000 indictment. And my head starts racing and I go to like jump to weird scenarios and situations that

00:21:18.420 aren't there. That's just naturally what I do. I have to be very aware of that because I will fall

00:21:22.300 into that. Guys, what I'm talking about here is just checking in like, Hey, you know what, hon,

00:21:29.660 the last couple of weeks, I've been very stressed at work. I'm sure, you know, and I know a month ago,

00:21:35.660 you know, we got into a pretty heated exchange about the way that I showed up when I was stressed.

00:21:41.320 I would just like to check in with you in the midst of my stress. How, how have I been treating you?

00:21:47.840 How have you been feeling about the way that I show up when I get home? How are the kids doing?

00:21:55.240 Are they feeling better about our exchanges and engagement with each other? See the difference?

00:22:00.780 Same types of questions, but now it's focused on the other person. How are you feeling? How are the

00:22:06.520 kids doing? What have you noticed? It places the emphasis on them, which is what you want,

00:22:12.720 because ultimately we as men do want to serve other people. We do want to lead our wives. We do want to

00:22:17.200 lead our children. We do want to lead in our communities. That's what this podcast is all about.

00:22:21.920 But in order to do that, you can't be desperate and say, help me, help me, help me. You fix me,

00:22:26.240 help me, help me feel better about what's going on. No, that's not what we need to do. What we need

00:22:30.360 to do is how are you feeling about this? And maybe she'll give you some feedback. She might say, Hey,

00:22:36.120 you know what? You're 90% awesome. You do such a great job. I've noticed a huge improvement and we feel

00:22:41.080 a whole lot better. Great, hon. Anything I can do, go back to the expectations. Anything I can do a

00:22:46.520 little differently or anything I need to be aware of to make sure? Cause sometimes I don't always see

00:22:49.960 it for myself. Anything I need to be aware of? No, you're great. Or she might say, yeah, you know,

00:22:55.600 like sometimes when you get home, you disengage for an hour and you come back and you're always

00:22:59.740 positive, but man, is there any way to have you home? Like right when you get here. And so maybe you

00:23:04.300 can talk about what that would look like. So you go back to that managing expectations. So again,

00:23:09.460 we're going to check in, but we're not validation seeking, which is self-centered. We're centered

00:23:14.040 on the people we're communicating with. And then guys, the last thing here is your own personal

00:23:18.100 after action review. And I've talked a lot about this. I do the after action review in just about

00:23:23.220 every engagement, every counter, every opportunity, every conversation, every podcast, every task. I do

00:23:28.300 this for myself. And it's, it's simply five questions. Number one, what did I accomplish?

00:23:36.160 Number two, what didn't I accomplish? Number three, what did I do? Well,

00:23:42.060 number four, what did I not do so well? And number five, what am I going to do moving forward?

00:23:51.220 So if we're talking about this in the context of a friendship or a romantic relationship or a

00:23:57.060 relationship with your kids, and you're asking how you handled that conversation, what did you get

00:24:01.980 done? Well, I communicated to my children that I was stressed and that I needed a little time and

00:24:07.920 space. Okay, good. You got that done. What didn't you get done? Well, I didn't put any deposits into

00:24:15.060 the relationship bank account. They know that I'm stressed, but I yell at them. I was short with

00:24:20.240 them and I didn't play baseball or uphold the commitments that I had made for that night with

00:24:25.340 them. Okay. That's important to know. What did I do well? Well, in this case, I felt like, you know,

00:24:32.840 I did a pretty good job explaining that I was busy with work, what I had going on and that I need,

00:24:38.800 you know, a week to be able to do this, but I wasn't as tactful as I would have liked to have been.

00:24:45.660 I wasn't as graceful in it. And I wasn't as empathetic to what they might be feeling as I'm

00:24:51.960 having this conversation with them. Okay. And then the last question, what am I going to do moving

00:24:57.580 forward? Well, tonight at the dinner table, because I didn't do such a good job earlier,

00:25:02.540 I'm going to sit down. And the first thing I'm going to do is say, Hey kids, as you know,

00:25:07.600 I'm stressed at work. I lashed out at a few of you this afternoon. And I wanted to say,

00:25:13.220 I'm sorry about that. And I am going to work on that, right? We're going through the process.

00:25:19.320 I'm going to do these things. What would be better if that you need to see from me again,

00:25:25.720 now we're managing expectations. Now you're going to change the behavior. You're going to

00:25:28.940 check in. You're basically going to do everything that I just went through as an element of your

00:25:32.940 after action review. Now I know if you're listening to this, we've been talking for who knows how long,

00:25:38.120 maybe it's been, I don't know, 25 minutes or so. You might be thinking that's a lot.

00:25:43.960 You know, you're talking about owning your mistakes, apologizing, making amends,

00:25:47.420 asking for expectations, communicating expectations, changing the behavior for the long haul,

00:25:51.740 checking in, but not validation seeking after action review. That's a lot.

00:25:56.120 And I would suggest that if you're not used to this, it does seem like a lot,

00:26:00.420 but I promise you the better that you get at this. Number one, you will need to do it less

00:26:05.700 often because you don't want to do it. So you'll begin to change your behavior, right? That's point

00:26:11.640 number four, changing your behavior, which leads to less having to do this. That's the first point that

00:26:17.840 I made. Like don't mess up in the first place because then you don't need to worry about any of this.

00:26:21.960 But when we do, and we inevitably will, this is the process, but I'm telling you, it gets easier.

00:26:27.800 Owning my mistakes is easier at age 42, almost 43 years old now than it's ever been in my life

00:26:34.300 because I've been doing it. And I have been very, very consistent over the years and specifically

00:26:41.560 over the past year and a half to two years. And it's easier. It's not a threat to me.

00:26:47.320 Hey, I messed up. I screwed up. You guys hear me talk about it all the time. In fact,

00:26:52.540 everything that I share with you is 99% a result of something I did earlier in the week

00:26:59.260 that I need to figure out and be better at, including this.

00:27:04.620 So I'm willing to admit my mistakes. I'm willing to go through this process and it's easier than

00:27:09.080 it's ever been because I've been doing it. And guys, the more you implement the system,

00:27:13.140 the more you begin to internalize it. And then it's not this tedious, monotonous, long drawn out

00:27:18.460 process. It's just part of your everyday interaction with other people. Again, I'm going to close this

00:27:24.280 out by saying what we led with, which is you can't necessarily repair the damage. But I believe that

00:27:31.620 if you make enough, and I alluded to this earlier, deposits, positive, healthy, encouraging deposits

00:27:37.260 into relationship bank accounts, it outweighs the negatives. If we're using that analogy at the bank

00:27:45.280 analogy, if I take a deposit from my bank account, I don't ever get that money back. Now, sure. I could

00:27:51.400 put more money in there, but I don't ever get that money out. If I pulled $10,000 out, I'll never have

00:27:57.460 that $10,000 in there. And that's what we call lost opportunity cost. So this is a little bit of an

00:28:02.420 economics lesson, but it applies to what we're talking about. If I take that $10,000 as a deposit

00:28:08.640 from that bank account, I lose the $10,000 and whatever it would have earned. That's what we call

00:28:15.780 lost opportunity cost. Even though I might in 30 days replace it with another $10,000, that's 30 days

00:28:22.000 of growth that I'll never get back. It's the same thing in relationships. When you take a deposit out of

00:28:28.080 a professional or personal relationship, you have lost opportunity cost in that relationship

00:28:33.680 because it's going to do damage and it's going to set you back, even if you make deposits down the

00:28:39.060 road. And that's what I mean by you can't repair something that's already been done. But what you

00:28:45.600 can do is you can offset it by making enough deposits into the relationship bank account, finding

00:28:53.540 creative ways to tell people you care about them, showing up in positive ways, leading effectively

00:28:59.920 with class and grace and strength and initiative, asking for people's feedback, taking into consideration

00:29:10.780 how they feel about what it is you're doing. These are all deposits that you can make and hopefully

00:29:16.820 should be making on a daily basis. And that way, when you mess up and we will, and we take a deposit

00:29:22.420 from that account, because we will, we don't go into the negative because that's when problems start

00:29:27.460 to take place. I'm talking about separations, divorces, losing a job, losing clients, getting

00:29:35.600 passed over for the promotion. When that relationship bank account is at zero and you take one more

00:29:41.780 deposit, it's done. So make sure you're always making those encouraging deposits into the relationship

00:29:47.380 bank accounts. All right, guys, I hope that serves you. Again, as a reminder, today we're open.

00:29:52.680 Our exclusive brotherhood, the iron council is open March 15th, 2024. So please enroll

00:29:57.740 at order of man.com slash iron council. We're going to get you started. As soon as you sign up,

00:30:02.200 you're going to get an email, you're going to get immediate access, and then you're going to work

00:30:05.780 with, uh, Jay Gerdulo and Alan Placer. Those guys are going to get you off and I'll be there as well,

00:30:11.640 but they're going to get you off on the right start and get you going as quickly as possible,

00:30:16.220 up to speed, get all the information you need, and, uh, you're going to be off to the races.

00:30:20.440 So check it out. Order of man.com slash iron council. All right, guys, have a great day.

00:30:25.200 Have a great weekend. We will be back on Tuesday of next week. Until then, go out there, take action

00:30:31.020 and become the man you are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast.

00:30:37.080 You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.

00:30:40.900 We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.

Order of Man - March 15, 2024

What to Do to Fix Relationships ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

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