Order of Man - When to Call BS, Overcoming Discouragement, and Staying Effective Despite Trauma

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart

00:00:04.980 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.420 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.180 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.720 you can call yourself a man. Sean, always good man to do an AMA. How you doing man?

00:00:28.700 Yes, sir. Doing well. How are you? Good. You know, we talked about this last time we spoke

00:00:35.240 and you mentioned it even earlier today, busy, chaos. But I think you and I are cut from that

00:00:41.940 same cloth and that's just kind of how we operate. It's not necessarily a negative thing if we're

00:00:47.940 busy and chaotic. I think it's how most people should be if you're really trying to push yourself

00:00:55.940 to do anything, right? Because you have something constantly on the horizon that you're moving

00:01:03.580 towards. And so that keeps you busy. One of my little peeves, I shouldn't say a peeve, but

00:01:09.680 I guess when like you ask somebody, Hey, how's it going? Or what's going on? And they say, Oh,

00:01:15.020 not much. I'm like, wait, what? Like, how do you say not much? I just don't get that.

00:01:20.760 Right. Totally. Yeah. I've been trying to be more intentional when people ask that question

00:01:27.460 and to be maybe brutally authentic and say stressed out or things are doing great or

00:01:36.600 busy, but not too busy need to, you know, and I'll provide explanation versus just

00:01:42.960 busy. Good. Or even the opposite where I think that we just say busy and then everyone just

00:01:49.260 latches on to like, yes, busy is good. And it's like, well, maybe I should be sharing like productive.

00:01:54.580 I'm really productive, getting a lot of stuff done, feeling good about progress versus just

00:01:59.420 saying busy. Cause let's be frank. I'm sure we both know individuals that are busy, but yet progressing

00:02:05.520 in zero ways in their career or their family. And so I hate to perpetuate that idea that busy by

00:02:12.420 itself is or busy in itself is good. Yeah. But, all right, well, let's, let's fill some questions.

00:02:21.660 So Ryan made a post on our Facebook group to join us on Facebook, go to facebook.com slash group slash

00:02:27.800 order of man. That is where, like I said, that's where we'll be filling our questions today.

00:02:32.840 We also ask for questions within the iron council, our exclusive, our exclusive brotherhood,

00:02:38.120 as well as Ryan may ask for questions on social media. So if you're not following him there,

00:02:44.720 go to at Ryan Mickler, whether it's Instagram or Twitter, let's jump into it. Jay Denmark.

00:02:52.980 When is it appropriate time to call someone out on their bullshit? Whether it's a family member

00:02:57.980 who is complains all the time, but doesn't do anything to fix their problems or a coworker who

00:03:03.220 doesn't pull their weight in a task. I know to try to do it in a kind, but I know to try to do it

00:03:10.460 in a kind, but stern way. Do I wait for it to have a personal effect on my life or my wife's,

00:03:16.880 or do I just ignore what they are going on and stay humble and influential so I can persuade them

00:03:22.020 to ask for my advice? So kind of what that balance of lighthouse versus when do you step in and actually

00:03:29.360 just say something? I think part of knowing what to do is also knowing what not to do. And I think

00:03:37.040 first and foremost, never, ever do it in a group setting. That's like, that's a good call. Just

00:03:43.220 said one of the worst things you could ever do is call someone out in front of a bunch of other people.

00:03:47.640 Um, and then as far as when I think it's most appropriate when you, when you can find downtime

00:03:55.660 and in a, in a place where they don't feel like they're being attacked or whatever else and just

00:04:01.660 say, Hey, do you have five minutes we can talk? And that's how I've approached it with stuff like

00:04:07.300 that. Like, Hey, one of the last ones was my brother was posting some stuff that I saw and

00:04:13.380 it was really complaining. And then also almost like dark and maybe it was trying to prove a point

00:04:20.180 politically or something like that, but it was pretty inappropriate. And so I called him and I'm

00:04:25.500 like, Hey, you know, just a heads up just from the outside looking in, you know, number one, is

00:04:30.080 everything okay? And he's like, Oh yeah, everything's fine. Why? And I'm like, well, because it didn't

00:04:34.300 seem like it from what you said. And I'm seeing more and more of that lately. And it seems to become

00:04:40.400 a pattern and you might not think much of it, but as an employer, as somebody else from the

00:04:45.880 outside looking in, this is how they could perceive it. And it's, it doesn't make you look

00:04:52.000 good, man. It makes you look like you're a complainer. Like you're, you know, like you're

00:04:56.220 not productive that you're going down these rabbit holes and wasting a bunch of time. And, you know,

00:05:01.620 who knows what time day you're doing it. You're like, you could be at work doing it. I don't know,

00:05:06.580 but here's what it looks like. And so just wanted you to know, cause I care about you and,

00:05:11.420 you know, wanted to make sure everything's all right. And, and whether you realized it or not,

00:05:17.100 which is probably what's happening. And so I kind of took the approach of I'm giving you the benefit

00:05:21.860 of the doubt and here's what it looks like. And because I care about you, here's why I'm having

00:05:27.540 the conversation. And he was like, yeah, you know what? I appreciate it. Thank you. I I'm not,

00:05:32.820 and I wasn't meaning that, and I can see how it comes off this way and I'll tone it down.

00:05:37.300 And that was it, you know, it was pretty basic, but it was, that could have also gone very bad.

00:05:42.300 If I was like, you know, Hey, dumb ass, stop posting all these inappropriate things. Right.

00:05:49.200 Well, and Sean, I'm assuming you have an established relationship with your brother.

00:05:53.180 Yeah. So he probably respects your opinion. You guys have a good relationship and this isn't just

00:05:59.040 out of nowhere. Like, let me coach you and tell you what you're doing wrong. He probably appreciates

00:06:04.740 you bringing that to his attention. Yeah. And maybe, and, and, and here's the thing. I didn't

00:06:11.160 know if he was in a bad place, so I don't know how he's going to take it when I approach him,

00:06:15.860 even though we have that established relationship. But I think that's where this question came from,

00:06:20.440 because it is someone you care about. You don't want to hurt their feelings. You don't want it to

00:06:24.300 become an uncomfortable thing for, you know, in some families, it could be years that people are

00:06:29.640 pissed at each other because of a bad conversation. But yeah, it's, I think it's important that you

00:06:34.860 come with, you have to remind them as you're speaking that there's care and concern. And that's

00:06:41.100 why you're calling them out and, and take it from a compassionate viewpoint instead of kind of a

00:06:50.020 hard line. Um, which I think a lot of men especially do is they take more of a hard line, like, dude,

00:06:58.120 that thing you did was stupid. Yeah. So I don't know. I mean, how would, how do you, what's your

00:07:04.800 approach? Well, I think I totally agree with you. I wouldn't disagree on anything. I do want to call

00:07:12.140 out something though, that Jade, he used two different examples, a family member who's

00:07:16.460 complaining all the time versus a coworker that's not pulling their weight. And his question is kind

00:07:22.420 of like, when do I, yeah, when do I, when do I step in and say something? The coworker not pulling

00:07:27.560 their weight, you say something right away. You're affected by that coworker that, that affects the team.

00:07:34.260 It's affecting your day to day. That's something that you just don't pull off. Now a family member

00:07:39.840 complaining, you can kind of see how someone complaining within the family necessarily isn't

00:07:46.240 affecting you from day to day. It might affect you mentally because you choose to get pissed off about

00:07:50.620 it. Right. But it's not affecting a scenario. And, and if it is, then it's even more pressing to

00:07:57.440 actually communicate something. So the win is if, if it's causing disruption and cohesiveness on the

00:08:07.060 team, if it's affecting your family, then you say something, you don't delay this. So I think we're

00:08:13.100 in agreement there. Then it kind of goes back to what you're saying, Sean is, well, then how do you do

00:08:18.800 this? And, and what I'm hearing from what you're saying and kind of my thoughts about this is you are in

00:08:24.480 zero position to correct anybody. If you don't have an established relationship, otherwise you're

00:08:30.000 just noise. Who, who, who gives a shit what you think if they know that you don't care? So first

00:08:38.720 you have to ask yourselves, are you in a position of influence? And if you are, then say something,

00:08:43.860 if you're not get in a position and influence and establish a relationship first. And it has to be

00:08:50.080 genuine and it can't be from a position of, well, let me get a relationship with this person. So

00:08:54.700 then that way I can try to change them. It needs to be authentic. We're all humans. We know, you know,

00:08:59.800 when someone actually cares versus if they're trying to play you. So don't be that individual

00:09:05.340 and trust, have an opinion on your, on your heels about how everyone should be different,

00:09:10.740 but you actually genuinely don't care. So make sure that you're in a position and influence. And then I

00:09:17.480 say you can execute. And I like some of those tips, Sean, one, don't do it in a public setting,

00:09:23.480 remind them. What other things did you say? Remind them that it's coming from a position of

00:09:29.300 caring. Yeah. Reiterate that as part of the conversation. And then also what I heard that

00:09:35.080 you said is like, have some empathy. You don't know the scenario. One thing I love to latch onto,

00:09:40.540 and I have to remind myself of this whenever I get triggered by certainly a family member is,

00:09:46.200 is I always think in my mind, I would do what they would do. I would do exactly what they do

00:09:52.520 if I were them and I was raised the way they were raised. So who am I to be telling you, Sean,

00:09:59.840 that you should be acting differently when reality is if I were you and I was raised the same way,

00:10:05.420 I'd probably do the same thing. So we need to approach it from a position and empathy. And I

00:10:09.860 really love what you said is, you know, reiterate the caring, but, but I'll, I'll even use an example,

00:10:16.600 something that Ryan, you know, Ryan and I have had these conversations where he had to have a call

00:10:20.680 with me to correct me about something. And, and I'll just share it, you know, in the early days when

00:10:26.200 we did a podcast, I had a tendency to say, right. At the end of every sentence, I'd say, this is what

00:10:32.020 they should do. Right. And, and it's a really bad habit. It's something that I have to constantly

00:10:36.800 work on. And the way he said that to me, wasn't Kip, you keep saying this and you sound like dumb

00:10:42.120 ass. What he said was by saying this phrase at the end of your sentence, it takes away from the

00:10:49.020 effectiveness of what you're trying to say. And it might derail people in listening to you.

00:10:57.620 Whoa. Way to connect to the actual thing that he's want to serve, serve me about versus just

00:11:03.940 placing a judgment and saying it's right or wrong. Connect to why they should change,

00:11:08.900 connect to how it's going to serve them better. Anything you'd add to that?

00:11:14.240 Just one thought was in the setting as let's say as a manager and a corporate setting, I think it's

00:11:22.020 also how I did with my brother and ask him if everything's going, everything's okay.

00:11:27.320 In his personal life, there's too many, there's too many corporate environments where they,

00:11:31.460 they literally tell you not to mix family and work and all that stuff. So they're

00:11:36.580 basically asking you to be bipolar. Like you're not going to think about your family problems while

00:11:41.760 you're at work. So if it's okay, I think to, instead of having a boundary, if you don't talk

00:11:48.460 about that stuff, ask, because if let's say they have, oh man, you know, I just, this is happening

00:11:54.260 at home and it's because I don't have enough time. You know, if I just had an extra hour or two

00:12:00.180 a week and I'm trying to figure that out, you say, well, look, you're not getting this done here

00:12:05.300 instead of maybe you're, you're distracted, but how about, what if I give you a, you know,

00:12:11.940 one day each week where you cut out early and that gives you the time to go do that,

00:12:18.480 but you need to get this stuff done. The stuff that you're dropping the ball on. What if we can

00:12:25.000 make that kind of agreement and that'll help you do that. And then you don't have to worry about it

00:12:29.160 as much. And then we can, it's a win-win, right? So maybe just by asking, you find some things that

00:12:36.640 they're going to appreciate and love and, and you know, and then maybe they start picking that stuff

00:12:43.620 up. But again, it shows that you care, not just that it's too rigid. I love it, man. It's so

00:12:50.520 important. And so often we play that game of like, oh, life, personal life versus work, dude. One of the

00:12:59.040 most ineffective times in my life from an employment perspective is when I got divorced. Of course it

00:13:05.920 affects your work. And of course your work affects your family life. And an ideal employer is one that

00:13:12.600 gets that and allows you the flexibility to manage what's most important and realizing that it's not

00:13:19.940 going to be work sometimes. And that they may need to bail out early to address some family issues that

00:13:25.740 they may need some coverage and that's okay. That's life. That's so important. Since you brought up the

00:13:31.640 whole corporate, the thing, the only other thing I'd add to about this is ask why they're not pulling

00:13:37.820 their weight. Like it could be a personal issue, but it could also mean that that task, Sean, that

00:13:44.180 I'm supposed to be doing, it's, it's a waste of time. I'm not bought into it. I don't even see the

00:13:49.340 value of it. Right. And encourage the conversation. So when employees aren't bought into a task or they

00:13:55.620 don't see the purpose of it, it's your job to actually communicate the purpose of it. So they can

00:14:00.240 see the strategic need for them to do something. And if you can't explain it well enough, then you should

00:14:06.680 be questioning yourself of what, maybe we shouldn't be doing that. Maybe it is a waste of time and

00:14:13.220 maybe we should be challenging what we're doing. If our employees aren't bought in and see the vision

00:14:17.680 and the purpose of what we're asking them to do. Yeah. Or maybe they, they don't think it's a waste

00:14:22.400 time. They just don't completely know how to carry it out, but they're too afraid to ask.

00:14:27.800 Totally. Yeah. Incompetence, you know, not from a negative perspective, but yeah, I don't have the

00:14:32.240 skillset. So I feel overwhelmed or I don't know what to do. Or they're missing a part. So they get

00:14:37.520 it, but that one part's getting them hung up and they don't want to sound stupid or feel stupid.

00:14:42.920 So they're afraid to ask. And just finding that part would, you know, maybe save them hours.

00:14:50.080 Totally. All right, Jade. We, we beat that one up for you. Pretty good. William Caleb Hare,

00:14:56.800 best way to help and encourage the wife into healthy eating habits and consistent working out.

00:15:02.960 It seems however, much encouragement and support I give her is always complaining and critiquing

00:15:09.680 herself to me, to which I compliment and say she's beautiful. But it seems that even when I'm

00:15:16.800 compliment, I call her beautiful. She doesn't take it to heart. Thanks for all that you do.

00:15:22.120 Oh, this is such a hard one. I think there's got to be a balance of number one,

00:15:32.680 you doing it because there's no way if you're not working out, eating right, kind of filling your

00:15:39.460 house with the things that are more healthy and, and, you know, then vice versa it's going to be hard

00:15:47.360 to convince her to be doing it. And so sometimes maybe you take on some of the shopping or whatever

00:15:55.280 it may be. Um, start doing Instacart where stuff, you know, only certain things show up. Um, I don't

00:16:02.500 know. Everybody's dynamic in their house is different in that way. But I think if you start putting things

00:16:07.220 in your home that are healthier, you start working out on a, some sort of consistent schedule, um,

00:16:14.780 you know, that's going, that's your best chance of her wanting to incorporate with you, you know,

00:16:22.000 and then you just ask, Hey, you want to work out with me? Hey, I'm going to work out. You want to do

00:16:25.560 this with me? You would, you want to go on a walk? You want to, you know, so you can incorporate

00:16:30.280 active things that you do together, um, that make it seem less like working out, I guess you could

00:16:38.780 say, and then just getting the body moving gets you to want to move it more. So maybe that's a good

00:16:44.760 starting place. Um, I would also find the balance of being honest and, uh, walking on eggshells and

00:16:56.860 just complimenting for the sake of complimenting, um, because they could get mad at you for overdoing

00:17:02.340 that too, kind of overcooking it and saying, Oh, you always say I look good. And, uh, and so,

00:17:09.460 or that these jeans look good or whatever. So I think it's, you have to almost like tally the times

00:17:16.660 when you're honest, when you say, you know what, that doesn't look good with that shirt or

00:17:19.960 whatever, and kind of store that in a memory bank. So if they say, Oh yeah, but you always say that

00:17:25.120 be like, no, no, this, I, the other day I told you this didn't look good and that, and, and, you know,

00:17:30.260 you do look good. Um, and then maybe the last thing I could think of is ask like, well, how do

00:17:36.520 you feel? You know, if you, if you feel bad, you know, then, then I could tell you, you look great

00:17:43.540 all day long, but what do you feel bad about? And what are some, some ways we can maybe remedy that?

00:17:50.060 Um, that's all I got. I think that's solid, man. The only thing that comes to mind is

00:18:00.960 I think there's a difference between me living healthy and going to the gym and getting after it

00:18:11.280 versus being inspired about living healthy. I think it shows up a little bit different. There's a

00:18:19.200 level of excitement in regards to what I'm doing and whole honey, I, I learned this and I, I learned,

00:18:25.960 I adjusted my diet and it's working this way. And from a leadership development perspective,

00:18:33.040 one of the, the key pillars that I talk about is to be inspiring. You have to be inspired.

00:18:41.180 You have to be passionate about it. Otherwise you're in zero position to inspire anybody else.

00:18:45.860 And so I would make sure that you're inspired about living a healthy life, that you're not just

00:18:53.100 grinding through it. You know, an analogy that my wife uses sometimes is like,

00:18:59.780 I could get tons of shit done and be highly successful in life, but if I'm doing it

00:19:06.600 in a way that I'm not happy, then who wants to follow me? Yeah. My kids, my kids don't go,

00:19:14.720 dad's pissed off all the time. And he got so much done in life. I want to be like him. No,

00:19:20.060 they want to see me get those things done, but also be enjoying life to, to be happy, to be joyful

00:19:26.900 and to be fulfilled and excited about what I'm doing. That is inspiring. So make sure that you're

00:19:35.120 just not grinding through and miserable because everyone is going to look at you doing that.

00:19:39.720 They're like, shit, I don't want any part of that. That doesn't look fun. And so try to make sure

00:19:44.920 that you're showing up in a, in a powerful inspired way. Well, that's, you know, one, as you say that

00:19:51.120 too, it made me think like some, especially men, they're in on a regimen where they go work out at

00:19:58.560 this time. I go to the gym. I hit, I have this routine. I I'm following that, whatever it is.

00:20:04.000 And in that, if we want our wives to do that, you tell them to come with you. That might not be the

00:20:11.120 most productive way to do it because maybe they don't want to go to the gym. Maybe they don't want

00:20:16.080 to get into a routine. Maybe they don't even like being at the gym. So sometimes we have to take away

00:20:20.940 the, the way we would rather do it. If we want to incorporate it with them, or maybe we miss one

00:20:28.680 of those days at the gym to go walk with them or do something that's more conducive to their growth

00:20:34.880 or they're being inspired to do more. You know, so it's kind of like that give and take, we can't

00:20:41.100 always have it our way. So as you say that, that's just, that's what I thought of is, is in that a lot

00:20:48.480 of the time we, we have to do it a different way. And maybe we don't feel like we're going to hit

00:20:54.740 our specific goals, um, by doing it that way. Um, or maybe you just have to add it at different

00:21:02.080 times or, you know, make up for different times at the gym, but either way it's, it's maybe sometimes

00:21:09.420 doing it, you know, in a way like kind of just sucking it up and biting the bullet for lack of a

00:21:18.800 better word and, and going and doing it a way that they're going to be inspired by.

00:21:26.040 I have the perfect example of this. If I went to my wife, Asia and said, let's work out at the gym

00:21:32.880 together and lift weights. She would say no. Cause I'm pissy. I put my hat down low. I turned my

00:21:38.440 headphones on. I don't talk to people. In fact, people have reached out to her. Like, is everything

00:21:42.820 okay with kid? Be really angry because that's how I work out. I don't like talking to people. I'm like,

00:21:48.780 leave me alone. I'm at the gym. However, if I called her up and said, Hey, let's go running.

00:21:55.600 She would do it in a second. And here's the kicker. She hates running, but what she loves about

00:22:02.260 running is her and I talk the entire time. It's her way of connecting and us hashing through

00:22:08.660 whatever's on our minds. So she'll go run with me anytime because she knows it comes with this other

00:22:15.880 benefit of chatting and working through and connecting with one another. So to your point,

00:22:23.700 you might need to adjust. You might need to do some yoga once a week, or you might need to

00:22:27.900 go play pickleball or tennis or something else that not just, she might be more connected to you from a

00:22:35.480 physical perspective, but has other by-product and benefit above and beyond just working out.

00:22:43.300 Yeah. Okay. Awesome. Ben Phelps, how do you overcome discouragement?

00:22:50.880 How do you overcome discouragement? Oh, what's, what's in the rooted, what's in the root of

00:22:58.620 discouragement? What is that? The, I'm just thinking out loud here to, to say one is discouraged

00:23:06.300 is that thinking the loss of hope and the inability to believe that one could overcome something or that

00:23:18.980 there's not, the sun's not going to rise in the morning. Is it, is it bigger than that?

00:23:24.020 Yeah. The lack of confidence. I have a, I have a story on discouragement because I think it's

00:23:32.080 Satan's number one weapon, because if he can discourage a husband, you know, in, in the love

00:23:41.220 for his wife, he could get them to cheat. If he could discourage, you know, somebody in their job,

00:23:46.140 they could get them to not succeed. If, you know, you can discourage anybody in thinking they can lose

00:23:51.080 weight that, you know, that's, that stops us from not possible. Yeah. And so it's those little,

00:23:58.300 that little voice that says, you can't do that, or you've never been able to do that. Or,

00:24:03.460 you know, here's more proof that you're a loser and whatever it is, where they're not.

00:24:10.800 So the way to overcome that is to have hope and faith in something. So whatever that is,

00:24:19.620 is understanding that failure is only failure when you quit and whatever you need to do to embed that

00:24:31.340 in your psyche, which is different for everybody, I think is important. And so, you know, for me,

00:24:39.100 it made a big difference when I started going to church. I didn't really start going to church until

00:24:43.380 I was in my mid twenties. And, um, before that I was pretty good on kind of setting goals and setting

00:24:49.960 my mind to things. And anytime I had something I was pushing for, I got there, even though I'd never

00:24:54.960 got there the way I wanted to, there was a lot of failures and stumbling on the way, but just wanting

00:25:00.600 something bad enough, kept me moving towards it. And then once I gained an eternal perspective in that

00:25:08.140 and going to church, then it gave me hope in all things like, you know, and then reading

00:25:14.140 autobiography, I got heavy for a while into autobiographies of successful people and different

00:25:20.100 things. And I started realizing like the people that had done the greatest things in their lives

00:25:24.660 have also come across the greatest challenges. And my challenges I was facing were nowhere near as bad

00:25:31.040 as theirs. And so if they could go through that, I could get through this. I just have to know

00:25:37.000 what I'm pushing for like they did. And so that helped keep me encouraged. And so I think the more

00:25:44.140 positive things you can feed your brain, um, and stories of people have overcome and gotten through

00:25:53.240 difficulties and stuff like that. I think that's helpful because now you're comparing yourself to,

00:25:59.680 um, other failures and, and then realizing, you know what, this one's not so bad. I just need to

00:26:09.380 keep going. And so that for me has been helpful. Um, but let me run this idea by you beyond that.

00:26:18.560 I got, I got, I got two interesting thoughts and I totally have not fleshed this out. So you guys

00:26:26.740 are getting me like my mind, you know, run the hamsters running around here. And I want to think

00:26:32.680 through this. I think there's a little bit of discouragement that is rooted in the idea

00:26:39.380 that circumstance will generate happiness for sure. And then tied to that is the idea that how we show

00:26:51.620 up despite circumstances is what we should be focused on. It's, do you get what I'm saying?

00:27:01.120 We look at difficult circumstances and we go, Oh, I feel discouraged, whatever, because why? Because

00:27:08.720 we make the circumstance wrong and I have these expectations and it shouldn't be difficult and I

00:27:14.300 shouldn't have to deal with this. And I can't when a reality success, joy, and fulfillment is not about

00:27:21.940 changing the circumstance or where we're going to end up as much as it is about how we show up in

00:27:31.040 spite of the circumstance. When I think about the most powerful people in my life and people that

00:27:37.560 have influenced me, they showed up in a powerful way. And what was inspirational is not the end result.

00:27:46.340 It's how they showed up during the difficulty, how they pushed through the grind, how they lived their

00:27:53.800 life, how they were being as a person in the moment, not necessarily the, the, the finish line or the

00:28:02.460 result or the money and all those other things that as you know, and I know many other guys know

00:28:08.880 that's not happiness. It's nice. Don't get me wrong. But if, if we're chasing, changing our

00:28:15.120 circumstances, thinking that, Oh, well, once I get past this hardship, then I'll be happy. You're a,

00:28:20.720 you're a damn fool and it's not going to work out and you're going to keep chasing something. It's

00:28:25.760 never going to be good enough. We, you know, I, I, I have no better way to say this, but, you know,

00:28:36.100 for me being a believer and, and having faith in Jesus Christ and the atonement, what that did for me

00:28:44.720 and that I have a heavenly father that has a plan for me that is positive and that it's to be like

00:28:54.080 him. It also reminds me that any encouraging thoughts that I have come from him, that that's

00:29:04.080 the Holy ghost reminding me that I have greatness, that I'm built in the image of my father in heaven

00:29:09.260 and any discouragement that will, that gives you hope. Yeah. It, it, and then, and that all

00:29:20.020 discouraging thoughts come from the adversary. And so just having that base understanding and knowledge

00:29:29.780 leads me to, when I have discouraging thoughts, I know where it's coming from. And I, and so that

00:29:37.420 helps me to not dwell too much on it and then, you know, search for the spirit to guide me more or to

00:29:46.400 gain encouragement or, or find encouragement and whatever it is. And then, and then second to that

00:29:54.160 is, I think we also have to build an expectation in ourselves that anything that we try to do,

00:30:01.520 and especially if we're trying to do something great, it's going to suck along the way.

00:30:07.420 I think there's too many expectations, like look at with Instagram and Facebook and all these

00:30:12.760 things. It's, it's caused so much more depression in people because they look at everyone on Instagram

00:30:18.660 live in their best life. And it's, they make it sound like it's also easy or that it just came

00:30:24.600 naturally or that it's, you know, but we don't hear anybody complaining or, or the discouragement

00:30:30.920 they face or what they had to overcome or how hard it was. And so sometimes we also need to remind

00:30:37.400 ourselves, you know, I told you before we got started that we're filling the barn with all

00:30:41.620 these giant, like encouraging things. Like I'd have these giant, like four foot by six foot

00:30:47.200 canvases with just phrases on them. And one of them is that nothing worth having comes easy

00:30:53.320 is one of the big things. And, you know, so that that's every day, I'm going to look at that and be

00:30:58.580 reminded so that anytime life gets hard, it's a reminder, like, Hey, you knew this was coming.

00:31:08.260 Yeah. You know, and so this too shall pass. Right. Yeah. So I think too many people expect

00:31:14.960 things to be easier than they are before they go into them. And so when it gets hard, they get

00:31:21.120 discouraged where if you tell yourself going into it, that there's going to be a lot of parts that

00:31:28.140 suck to this. Yeah. And so that when you get there, you expected it again, it's not going to make it

00:31:35.040 easier, but at least you don't quit hopefully. Um, totally expectation. So maybe adjusting your

00:31:42.580 expectations and things. Yeah. And, and maybe one way to adjust your expectation is finish the thought

00:31:51.480 far too often an expectations will say, and I'll hopefully, well, my wife never listens to podcasts

00:31:59.100 anyway, so it's okay that I can use it as an example, but I have expectations. We all have

00:32:07.880 expectations. Right. And, and it's ironic. And I did this at the main event last year. I, I, I did a

00:32:14.780 press, well, maybe the year before around relationships around the connection quadrant of the battle plan.

00:32:21.920 And I said, everyone raise your hand. If you feel that if your wife did five things differently,

00:32:31.380 that you would have a happier marriage. Hmm. How many hands do you think went up to all of them?

00:32:37.200 All of them, right. We have these expectations that think, oh man, if she just did this, this,

00:32:44.000 and this, our marriage would be better. Hmm. Now that's a whole other conversation. I would argue

00:32:50.700 that that's a lie, but let's just assume that we have these, these five expectations. The point is we

00:32:56.560 never finished the thought to the conclusion. We go, oh yeah, she should do this, or my boss should do

00:33:05.060 this, or my coworker should, and then we stop. And we just hold on to the fact that it's not that it's

00:33:11.420 wrong or they're wrong. And it's not the way we think it should be. And then we should stop there.

00:33:16.940 And we, and then we fail to deal in reality. Here's the reality, your wife, and I'll just vent on

00:33:25.320 you guys. My wife is not going to always take clothes out of the dryer and put them away right

00:33:32.060 away. The reality of it is she's going to put that shit into the dryer. It's going to sit there

00:33:39.720 for two days. She's going to plop it, make a pile on the couch. And that shit's going to sit there

00:33:44.340 for another three days. That is reality. So I can hold on to the reason why it shouldn't be that way

00:33:51.960 and how it'd be better. All I want, but it's so much more powerful to go. Yes. What? It's not that

00:33:59.160 way. And it's, she's going to do it the way she did. So what am I going to do about it? Is it worth

00:34:06.200 fighting about? Is it worth arguing about? Is there a conversation to be had or do I just need to suck

00:34:11.940 it up and say, you know what? It's not that important to me and move on. But we fail to

00:34:17.120 finish that thought to a conclusion on most expectations. We'll just end it with, it shouldn't

00:34:21.980 be this way, period. And then we'll just drag that shit along with us whenever we want about how it

00:34:28.960 shouldn't be this way. My marriage would be better if she just did these things and et cetera, versus

00:34:32.960 guess what? You need to accept her exactly the way she is. And now what are you going to do about it?

00:34:38.440 Kevin Cassidy. It is awesome. In fact, you should put, you know, like a picture of me

00:34:47.220 saying something in your barn. Like I'm thinking like, you know, I'll make you a poster.

00:34:53.680 Yeah. I mean, and, and, you know, as you were saying, I mean, and I don't want to beat this one

00:34:58.740 up, but it's, I also thought like it's same thing applies at work, right? Well, Larry's not pulling

00:35:03.220 his weight and he's not doing this and whatever, you know, and, and that has the same effect,

00:35:09.080 right? It was, uh, yeah, that was really good. All right. Kevin Cassidy. How do you take notes

00:35:16.660 when listening to something without losing track of what was being said and presented? This is

00:35:21.440 actually a really good question because I have this problem. Do you have a note-taking system,

00:35:26.420 a style of writing? How do you write fast enough to still keep it readable? I'm going to add to

00:35:31.520 Kevin's question. Kevin, I'm going to steal your question to add my questions to this.

00:35:35.360 So all the time I'll be listening to a book or a podcast and something is said that is solid. And

00:35:43.240 I'm like, I need to write that down and I need to ponder about it, but I'm driving my car. I'm in

00:35:51.080 the middle of a workout. I'm mowing the lawn. I'm, I'm listening while doing something mundane.

00:35:57.220 And I have this stupid habit of like, I'll hit the little bookmark and audible

00:36:03.700 thinking that later today, I'll go back and view the bookmark, you know, and then write it down,

00:36:10.720 which never happens. So I I'm actually really interested, Sean, if you have some advice here.

00:36:16.740 I I'm an avid note taker. So, but not with podcasts and things like that,

00:36:22.060 if I'm being totally honest, but I've been to who knows how many hundreds of events in the last 23

00:36:28.520 years where I have, you know, those mead five-star notebooks, the, the, yeah, like the, the five

00:36:35.520 subject ones, the big thick ones, I have probably 20 something of those filled up with notes from

00:36:42.420 different events, different things. And I've always been really good at taking notes, but

00:36:48.600 we were just talking about expectations. I think when you're at anything, you can't expect to get

00:36:55.340 everything, but you can expect to get what you need. And so the most important thing is that

00:37:01.320 as you're listening to somebody, everything, look for the key things instead.

00:37:06.740 Yeah. Don't try and get every word now and saying that to get better at taking notes. One of the things

00:37:12.380 I did was to try and write down word for word, what they said when I first started doing it,

00:37:18.700 because that for me was just, it got me writing and got me writing faster and trying to get

00:37:23.380 everything. And then I could go back through it and find the gems and highlight them and put stars next

00:37:28.520 to them and do that sort of a thing. And then it evolved into, okay, now it got me writing faster and

00:37:34.300 paying closer attention where I wasn't distracted by people walking around or whatever it was,

00:37:39.060 where I would just, I'd be listening the entire time for those notes. Then I would hear the most

00:37:45.000 important things. And then those most important things I say over and over in my head while I'm

00:37:51.200 writing them down to make sure I wrote that down correctly because it was important. And then when

00:37:57.060 I wrote it down and wrote it down word for word, I'd put stars next to it or highlight it on the spot.

00:38:03.220 Now, while I'm doing that, I might've missed the rest of what they were talking about,

00:38:07.560 but if it stood out that much to me to, to want to write it down, I wanted to make sure that I got

00:38:14.220 it right. It's more important that you do that, then get a bunch of kind of half things that don't

00:38:20.120 mean much. And then later on, as I started sitting in things and wanted to be able to articulate these

00:38:27.180 things, the same sort of things well to people, then I would start writing it down for how they set it,

00:38:35.160 how they change their tonality, how they change their physiology, stories they even told so that I could

00:38:42.460 grab those and use those things when I was speaking or when I was trying to relay a message or whatever

00:38:48.220 it was. So it evolved. So I guess my answer is it depends on what stage you're at in the stuff that you're

00:38:54.500 learning and taking notes on. And then it's, I think most important that you think less of trying

00:39:02.840 to get all the notes than trying to get what you need from whatever you're taking notes on.

00:39:09.480 I like it. I like it. Well, and I'm wondering if there's some value of trying to cap,

00:39:17.140 like recap a session. So maybe listen intently, write down the key things that resonated. And then when you

00:39:25.140 had that break at the end of the session, maybe recap, what was the summary of that session? What

00:39:31.740 were the key takeaways? Maybe so you could add some filler around the key points just to give them

00:39:37.360 better context perhaps. Well, let's say you went to a, um, I don't know, to a convention or something,

00:39:44.600 right? Kevin, in your industry. And so, which is like IT stuff, correct? Is that, am I right or no?

00:39:50.640 Okay. So you go to this IT convention and it's all these, the best companies in IT kind of telling you

00:39:55.820 some of their secrets. The problem, this is not a good example. Cause I'd be presenting because I am

00:40:00.540 the best at what I do. So why would I listen to someone else? But whatever, go ahead, go ahead. I'll pretend.

00:40:06.100 Which by the way, is when you need to be the most scared about what you do.

00:40:11.220 When you, when you think, you know, at all you need, that's when you need to be taking notes

00:40:14.760 instead of standing in the back of the room with your arms crossed. And so when let's say you're

00:40:20.840 at something and then you say, wow, I really like, man, we're not doing that. I'd really like to

00:40:26.260 incorporate that. Right. And so you, but you're just taking notes and it comes to mind. So maybe you

00:40:31.260 put a little star by it and then you get to the end of that convention. Maybe it's a two day or

00:40:37.400 three day thing that you're at and you've got a, you know, you've got 20, 30 pages of notes.

00:40:42.860 You need to go through all of those notes, find the stars, find the things maybe that you highlighted

00:40:48.040 and then ask yourself, why did I highlight that? And, and then maybe you're going to find five or 10

00:40:55.320 or 12 really big things that could make a huge difference in your company. If you started

00:41:01.240 incorporating them yourself, but you can't do all 12, you can't do all 10. You probably can't even do

00:41:10.060 five of them immediately. So find the top three that would make the most significant difference in

00:41:16.620 your company now. And that night decide you're going to implement it and have a plan for next Monday

00:41:23.320 morning when you walk in, how you're going to roll this out to the team and already have a plan of

00:41:32.200 action of how you're going to start incorporating things because they're going to be the biggest

00:41:36.580 difference makers in what you do. And so I think it's important when you're taking notes on anything

00:41:42.260 that the implementation part, you have to do that after action review of the notes to find the most

00:41:50.280 effective things that you can incorporate to start doing, um, and then have a plan to start doing

00:41:58.360 them. Sean, do you intentionally also share your notes as a part of retaining that information?

00:42:08.580 Um, with who? Anybody. Yeah. Cause I've heard that like one of the best ways to remember something is

00:42:15.820 to share what you learned with someone else. Like, do you have any intentionality that you do around

00:42:20.520 that? I don't personally, unless we're going over it and I say, Hey, when we were at this event,

00:42:28.460 so-and-so said this, and I want to start implementing it this way. How do you guys feel about that? So it's

00:42:36.280 maybe in that way to the after action review and the, and the actions that you're taking,

00:42:41.200 not necessarily just like a blanketed general action that you take. Yeah. Got it. Okay. Cool.

00:42:50.580 All right. Mike Morris with the battle planner, you've said multiple times to be specific,

00:42:55.760 not set your goals as something like make more money, but set a dollar amount for how much more

00:43:02.040 money you want to make. What's a good example for when there's not something quantifiable about the

00:43:07.780 goal, like improving your relationship with your wife or with God? We get this quite a bit in the

00:43:14.980 IC we do anyway. Yeah. I mean, that's every battle plan I have has that in a couple of the quadrants

00:43:22.020 and usually it is spiritual and family. Um, but let's say one of them is you want to be a better

00:43:28.760 father for me at one point it was, I didn't want to yell at my kids anymore. And so that was an action

00:43:34.420 plan of catching myself. If I yelled at my kids and then getting myself to stop myself when I wanted

00:43:43.360 to more often. And then I would keep track of how many times I was doing it. And so my first

00:43:49.400 week, you know, or my first 30 days, um, was okay. I want to be on a weekly basis, yelling at them

00:43:58.360 no more than 10 times. And then the, the, the 60 day checkpoint was, okay, now, now it's gotta be no

00:44:07.160 more than five times a week. And then my, by 90 days, I've wanted it to, to not be yelling at them

00:44:14.340 anymore. And, and then I actually got to where, by the time I got to my checkpoint that said less than

00:44:21.560 five times, I was down to like one or two a week. And then before I even got to the 90 days, I had

00:44:27.580 stopped yelling at them and catching myself. And so it was, that all was incorporated in being a better

00:44:34.340 father. So it was, it's, there's, you can really quantify everything. So I think it's breaking down.

00:44:45.680 Okay. I want to be a better husband. I want to be stronger spiritually. What is quantifiable that I can

00:44:51.540 do to that would become stronger spiritually. Maybe I need to read scriptures more often. Maybe

00:44:57.960 I need to schedule times daily where I'm reading scripture, whatever it is. So there's always

00:45:03.000 something quantifiable we can do. Uh, and it's just finding what's going to move the needle the most for

00:45:09.500 you, uh, at that time. Or maybe it's kind of like finding holes in your boat, right? It's, um,

00:45:17.860 you could be the best encourager, uh, that you've ever met and saying positive things all the time.

00:45:24.080 But if you, you know, you're still like getting physical with your children, it doesn't matter how

00:45:29.660 much you encourage them. You know, if there's physicality that's happening, so that hole's still

00:45:35.120 going to sink your ship. So find those things that are going to move the needle the most and,

00:45:41.360 and fill those holes, I think, and finding a quantifiable way to get there. I don't know if

00:45:47.420 that made sense to you, if you'd agree, but what would you say? No, I totally agree. Um, the only

00:45:52.760 thing I, I, we see sometimes that guys will do is make it quantifiable kind of what you're saying.

00:46:00.580 If, if your priority is to increase your relationship with your spouse, then tell her

00:46:04.900 one, communicate that you're doing that. And at the end of the quarter, ask her how you did

00:46:11.060 or how's it going and make that part of your checkpoint, you know, do a three 60 degree feedback

00:46:17.560 with your, with your kids and, and spouse and have them rate you. And then all of a sudden

00:46:23.020 accountability. Yeah. Yeah. That's the hard one, right? I bet most guys don't do that.

00:46:29.740 No, no. What, and the problem is, is a little bit of a tangent here. The problem with that is

00:46:36.500 I I've held onto this idea over the years that one powerful way to generate accountability

00:46:48.460 is to have an enlistment conversation. Let's, let's just use you and I, as an example,

00:46:56.040 I might be, let's say I want to write a book. Now I could keep that shit to myself and start

00:47:03.580 writing a book and not tell Sean, no harm, foul, no, no big deal. Right. But if I go out of my way

00:47:12.220 and say, Hey, Sean, dude, I've had this idea, this book that I'm really excited about it. And I share

00:47:18.620 why I'm doing it and the power around what I'm trying to accomplish. And I do it in a way that

00:47:25.500 inspires him, not inspires him to do it, but inspires him. Like, man, Kip, I'm excited for

00:47:30.880 you. Like I share in a way that you can connect and you're inspired by my inspiration of what I'm

00:47:38.160 about. All of a sudden things open up. Sean goes, man, I want to help you. I'm excited about,

00:47:46.780 about this so much. How can I help you? I have this idea next week. He's like, Oh man,

00:47:52.160 another idea came on my mind. You were seeing that book. And then I was thinking about it and then,

00:47:55.700 you know, all these other things. And then what are you going to ask me two weeks later?

00:47:59.840 How's that going? Because I was all excited for you because you shared in a powerful way.

00:48:04.500 And so all of a sudden I generate accountability, but most importantly, I generate support by

00:48:12.720 enlisting Sean about what I'm doing. So guys, when it comes to battle plans, when it comes to

00:48:19.940 getting after it in life, whether it's going to the gym, improving your relationship with your,

00:48:25.560 your family, your kids, you're increasing your spirituality, whatever you're working on,

00:48:31.740 the people in your life, share, share in a powerful way. So they know what you're working

00:48:38.880 on. They will hold you accountable and they will want to help you. Anybody in my life that is about

00:48:46.680 something and they're getting after it. I want to see them win. I'm excited. And I even get more

00:48:53.860 excited if they share what they're working on. So have that communication and share in a powerful way.

00:49:00.080 So they see kind of the art of the possible, they see the goal that you're kind of, uh, you're going

00:49:07.100 for, and they can see that possibility for yourself. And what that also does is kind of goes back to the

00:49:13.700 conversation earlier. What does that do for them? They get inspired. They're like, shit, man, Sean's

00:49:19.600 getting after it. He lost, I don't know, 10% body fat. He's loving it. He, he seems more energetic now,

00:49:25.740 all these things. And then they want to do what? Follow your example. But if you just keep that all

00:49:32.340 to yourself, you're, you're, you're shielding your light from shining on the hill.

00:49:39.140 I'm so glad. Yeah. I'm so glad you brought that up because I, that's part of what I forgot to say.

00:49:45.920 And in saying that I put that goal in place as I sat with my kids and I had the conversation with

00:49:50.900 them, that that was my goal for the next 90 days and said, Hey, look, as your father, I don't ever

00:49:57.320 want to get physical with you. Cause I grew up with that. And I kind of, you know, told him some

00:50:02.220 stories of things I experienced growing up. And then I said, and I also don't want to yell at you

00:50:07.240 all the time. Cause that's, that's how I was raised. And I don't think that's an appropriate

00:50:10.840 way to raise. You might share a little bit that that's a little bit of a natural habit for me.

00:50:15.500 So I have some grace, right? Yeah. So I, I, this is going to be a really hard thing for me, but

00:50:20.820 I want to be the dad that doesn't yell at his kids all the time. And I want to enroll you guys in this.

00:50:27.540 So, you know, number one, I'm working on it, but also, you know, I give you permission to call me

00:50:32.720 on it sometimes. And that was hard because they knew I was trying not to yell at them. And then

00:50:37.900 sometimes I would. And every now and then one of them was like, Oh, I thought you weren't going to

00:50:41.320 yell at me. And then that got me to like, that made me even more mad, but it also made me catch

00:50:48.260 it more. And the fact that they were enrolled and they knew I was working on it gave an extra layer

00:50:56.040 of accountability. And even though that made me angry in the moment, it long-term really helped

00:51:01.520 because it also makes you realize that is important that they do notice they are paying attention.

00:51:08.200 And they, and, um, and so, and now kind of full circle a couple of years later, after doing that,

00:51:16.680 now I have my boys, you know, becoming teenagers and getting filled with testosterone or, you know,

00:51:22.820 they're getting quicker to anger and getting more physical with each other. And, and even with me and

00:51:28.880 my wife, sometimes, you know, they'll push us or whatever. And then it's easier to have the

00:51:34.200 conversation now of, Hey, look, remember when I worked on this and, and was able to do it. And

00:51:39.500 now I'm not physical with you ever. Like I don't. And so, because I'm not that way with you,

00:51:45.380 you, it doesn't give you permission to be that way with anybody. And so it's, it makes the

00:51:50.740 conversation better and it's not the first time it's coming up. So we've been in these conversations

00:51:56.900 before they've seen me overcome it and it's helped the whole dynamic of our family, I think,

00:52:01.480 but I'm so glad you brought that up because that was one of the most important parts of setting

00:52:05.940 that goal was enrolling them and having the conversation with them. Yeah. Um, before I set

00:52:12.060 out to do it. And Sean, what's so powerful about what you said is you gave them the path of change.

00:52:21.040 You're authentic. Dad's not perfect. And look at me progress and grow. And that now becomes a

00:52:27.940 possibility for them because they saw you do it versus if you never did that, they may have never

00:52:33.400 even connected the dots that that was a struggle for you. And they saw you progress. That was only

00:52:39.280 made possible by you probably communicating it. And now they have a path for themselves. So,

00:52:45.680 so, so powerful. We should just in here. That was good stuff. All right. Rudy, Rudy has a,

00:52:51.420 I don't follow this question actually. So Sean, hopefully this resonates and I'm,

00:52:57.680 cause I'm not a hundred percent sure what Rudy's asking here. So Rudy Vanderweiver,

00:53:02.700 Rudy Vanderweiver. Yeah, Rudy, I got your name, right? Creating a list of priorities in life

00:53:09.700 and using the battle plan, how to implement each new category of priorities, best way to gauge progress,

00:53:17.000 internal priorities, internal priorities, and external priorities, self-development and

00:53:21.400 responsibility, creating accountability, still an issue for myself. And a lot of people I know

00:53:27.040 maybe touch base with that. There's a lot there. So hopefully maybe you caught it.

00:53:34.140 A lot of moving parts, but I think our answer to the last question answered most of that.

00:53:39.760 Yeah. Honestly, I think the majority of it's in there. That only extra thought I had was that

00:53:45.420 I think it's easy, especially as you first start doing your battle plans, there's so much more you

00:53:52.700 need to work on. And not that it becomes less to work on because it evolves into different things,

00:53:57.840 but you're not used to grabbing the most important things. And so I think it's important

00:54:04.680 that you not get overwhelmed with, Oh, I have these 20 things I want to work on in this quadrant.

00:54:09.940 It's choosing one and whether it's the right one or not, you'll figure out within that 90 days,

00:54:15.020 but either way at the end of 90 days, then you choose another one. So I think it's important to

00:54:19.660 make sure that you're doing one at a time through that process and, and whatever you think again is

00:54:26.700 going to fill that hole in your boat the most effectively. And then, yeah. And, and work on that

00:54:35.840 one more than any other, keep the list. And then at the end of that 90 days, just working on something

00:54:43.920 is going to help you to realize if that was the most important thing, or, or if, if one of those

00:54:49.960 other things on the list is going to be better, or maybe even think of something entirely different

00:54:54.360 that becomes more important. But the most important thing is that you grab one, you run with it,

00:55:00.140 you stay focused on that one for the entire 90 days. And then at the end of it, do your AR and,

00:55:07.740 and evaluate how effective it was, how much it moved the needle, and then what the next one will

00:55:14.900 be. I think that's where a lot of guys mess up is they, they try to do too many things at once.

00:55:20.360 They get impatient. They want it to be now they want it to be fast. You know, when we talked about

00:55:24.940 that, one of these questions came up about jujitsu a couple of times ago when we did this, and you said

00:55:30.180 you've spent a couple of years focused on just a technique in jujitsu and you know, where most guys

00:55:40.020 they're like, okay, I got that down now. Right. I got the Kimura down and where you were like, okay,

00:55:47.300 I'm going to literally get to the point where people say the kit more is coming because I've worked on it

00:55:54.980 for so long instead of, I know how to do a basic Kimura. I know how to do a basic guillotine. I know

00:56:01.040 how to do a basic arm, but I know, right. And, and that deeper dive into one thing is going to be

00:56:07.760 a more effective long-term. Um, and, and just make sure you stay there for at least the 90 days before

00:56:15.720 going into the next one. Yeah. I like your thoughts. Echelon front Jocko. Those guys have a guiding

00:56:23.120 principle called prioritize and execute. So make the list and then execute. And, and to Sean's point,

00:56:32.200 don't give up too early and progress is better than overanalyzing and never executing. So don't

00:56:40.220 fall into that pitfall. Wasn't that Patton that said that? Was it Patton's quote? Like, I don't know.

00:56:44.160 A perfectly executed plan or a perfectly planned attack. Not executed. Not executed.

00:56:53.120 You know, is, is never as good as a, as a poor plan. Well executed, something like that along those

00:56:59.720 lines. Totally. Totally. And, and there's many ways, like I think most guys, their vision, um,

00:57:07.620 for themselves ends up kind of being the priority list or the external priority list in regards to

00:57:13.860 the categories of what needs to execute, but you might even just want to make your own lists. And one

00:57:19.660 thing that I've done, and I picked this up from Stephen Covey, I don't know what book, whether it

00:57:24.560 was seven habits or what matters most, one of those books way back when in college, but he maintained a,

00:57:31.000 a MTL, a master task list. And the master task list was never had due dates. It was just these things

00:57:39.880 that come in your head that need to get done. And I would suggest maybe identify the roles that you play

00:57:47.160 in life and document the priorities. And maybe they're not in order of priority, but they're just

00:57:54.040 the things that need to get done. And for me, it really helps to look at life from the roles I play

00:57:59.720 and do it from that perspective. So father, husband, son, friend, boss, employee, church member,

00:58:09.260 et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And, and document out that way, prioritize, then execute against them.

00:58:15.720 Hmm. You, you know, um, it's kind of what you were talking about in the other question too, and

00:58:21.680 incorporating your spouse or incorporating the people around you and things you're trying to achieve and

00:58:26.840 ask them, Hey, what's, what do you think is going to move the needle most? Maybe I, I, I just did this

00:58:32.180 with our same thing with our barn and I'm, I'm going to put a gym in there. And so I go on sore next and I

00:58:37.960 start looking at all their things. Oh, this is cool. That's awesome. Oh man. And by the time I'm

00:58:42.680 how awesome I think this is all going to be, I'm 18 grand. Yeah. I was going to say it costs more than

00:58:48.100 the bar. Yeah. Yeah. For, for, for stuff that I'm not going to use probably. And so I send it to my

00:58:56.040 trainer, my personal trainer. I'm like, Hey, what would, what do you think I should get? And then,

00:59:01.020 so we have a conversation and we talked for like an hour of here's what they have here. We have this,

00:59:06.540 this is, and we started going through it. And now I'm like, I don't know what it is, maybe three or

00:59:12.740 four grand deep, but all of it is effective. It's all stuff I'm going to use. And he, he just,

00:59:19.940 he was great because he was asking me the right questions. Well, what are you trying to achieve?

00:59:23.820 Are you going to become, you're going to start power lifting? Are you trying to become a bodybuilder?

00:59:28.360 Or are you trying to, you know, have effective strength? You know, what, what are you,

00:59:33.860 what are you trying to build here? And talking to him and you know, what, what I have coming up

00:59:39.560 hunting wise, what am I going to be doing physically that are, is important to me? What are the things

00:59:45.060 I'm going to need? But then he also asked, okay, what about the boys? Cause they're playing football

00:59:48.980 and they're starting to get into working out and they're wanting to do this. Are you going to like

00:59:53.400 build circuits for you guys to do where you're working out together and you need multiple stations

00:59:58.680 going on simultaneously? What's your thoughts there? And I'm like, yeah. And he's like, okay,

01:00:03.860 well then you might want to add this and this, but I wouldn't do more than that for now. You'll be

01:00:08.240 good with that for at least, you know, the next four or five years. And so it was good having that

01:00:13.580 input and that feedback. It ended up saving me a bunch of money, got me more focused on, on what was

01:00:19.620 more important. What instead of just the, the overriding factor of what would look cool when people

01:00:27.420 walked into the barn and what they saw as opposed to what am I actually going to use? And I wouldn't

01:00:35.460 have landed there without that external feedback. God, Ben Phelps. I'm going to read your question,

01:00:42.280 Ben, but I think we've already addressed it. Les, Sean, you felt like anything you would add to this

01:00:46.840 question. Discouragement is a positive feedback loop and highly destructive. How do you overcome what

01:00:51.980 has dominated your life for 27 years? I think we pretty much covered discouragement. Ironic.

01:00:59.100 We don't get that question very often. And here we are, we got two different people asking about it.

01:01:03.800 Anything else you would add, or do you think we beat that one up pretty good?

01:01:07.180 No, we beat it up good. The only thing I would say is like he said, for 27 years,

01:01:11.260 we all give our discouragement, the benefit of the fact when it's been with us our whole life.

01:01:19.500 Yeah. So I think get rid of the mantra of, well, it's been this way 27 years.

01:01:26.020 Even that statement is negative for you. Yeah. That's up there with, that's just the way I am,

01:01:31.120 or you can't teach an old dog new tricks and those kinds of things that stunt your growth.

01:01:38.000 Yeah. I love that. In fact, here you go, Ben. You don't have discouragement for 27 years because

01:01:44.160 every day you've had hope that the next day was going to come. So you've been practicing hope

01:01:50.680 and faith of some sort for your entire life. So maybe look for the areas where you actually are

01:01:58.000 executing against hope and not just discouragement. Kevin JC, I suffer, man, I even know this acronym.

01:02:06.640 I suffer from CPTSD. It's considered a brain injury to some and a disorder to others. My brain was

01:02:16.600 affected by trauma throughout the very important development stages of my childhood. I have fought

01:02:21.440 this battle for over 20 years and six have been sober. But that being said, I'm battling with my

01:02:28.620 brain all day long. Unfortunately, I wake up in fight or flight mode and go to sleep in the same mode.

01:02:34.700 My wife is due with our firstborn next month. So pretty much any day I will be the best father

01:02:41.080 to my son. But what do other dads use to fight the demons in their heads to stay strong for their

01:02:47.120 kids? Hmm. Is that is CT PTSD? Is that childhood PTSD? Is that what CPTSD is? I don't know. I'll look

01:02:56.480 it up while you're giving some thought to it. Okay. I will. I'll base it on that, assuming that it is.

01:03:02.080 And two things. Number one, I would sit with a therapist that can help you with

01:03:09.980 childhood trauma. Because some of those things, you know, being deep rooted, you can't just,

01:03:19.700 you know, work yourself through it most of the time, not that you can't, but most of the time,

01:03:25.540 you're going to need some guidance in overcoming childhood trauma.

01:03:30.040 Here's your, here's your, uh, so we are wrong on the C. So complex post traumatic stress disorder

01:03:36.940 is a condition where you experience some symptoms of PTSD along with some additional symptoms,

01:03:43.720 such as difficulty controlling your emotions, feeling very angry or distrustful towards the world.

01:03:50.240 Got it. Trustful towards the world. Okay. Um, well in his question, he kind of linked that to his

01:03:59.180 childhood. So I'd give the same answer. Um, and sitting with the therapist to try and find

01:04:05.300 that deep rooted childhood trauma, because he might know what it is, but he might not know how to

01:04:12.080 get it out of his brain or maybe some techniques that are going to help him alleviate some of the

01:04:20.100 anger and other issues that come with that. Um, and then the second side of it that I want to

01:04:25.940 congratulate him on and focus on is the fact that in that question, he stated that he will be the

01:04:33.420 best father for his son. So I think he's already taking the most effective steps to getting there and,

01:04:40.220 and reminding himself that he will be, because it doesn't mean that he is necessarily today,

01:04:46.700 but maybe it reminds him of, okay, in order for me to be the best father for my son, I

01:04:52.500 can't be quick to anger. I mean, you're never going to get rid of anger all the time, but if that's

01:04:59.400 the, at the forefront of your mind all the time, you also have to remind yourself and find ways to not

01:05:04.480 be quick to anger or to suppress it or to take it out on other things. Maybe you need to go for a

01:05:10.000 walk. Maybe you need to buy a heavy bag. Maybe you need to, maybe working out more is your thing.

01:05:14.640 Maybe, I don't know, for me, it was surfing. You know, when I lived in California, I could go grab

01:05:19.020 my, if things got really bad, I could go grab my surfboard and go wash it off of me in a couple

01:05:22.960 hours. Um, and so whatever, now it's jujitsu shooting my bow, whatever there's things I can

01:05:28.900 do to get rid of that stress. And so, but I know what those are for me and I know how necessary

01:05:34.040 they are and how much it helps. It's literally, I'm better off. I could have a list of 20 things I need to

01:05:39.540 get done in a day, have just the perfect amount of time to get all those done. But if I find myself

01:05:44.760 getting pissed off and blurting and, and, you know, reacting to people throughout my day, I'm better

01:05:52.220 off just scratching a few of those things off the list and going and shooting my bow for 45 minutes

01:05:59.800 or, or something that's going to alleviate that stress for me. And I know myself well enough to,

01:06:06.520 to, to move those to the front of the line, uh, when I feel those emotions. Um, but again,

01:06:14.780 it's years and years and years of working on it, understanding it, finding why I did things I did

01:06:20.560 because of the way I grew up, some of the trauma I experienced and, uh, and, and then just finding

01:06:26.920 ways to overcome it. And so I, it sounds to me like he's in a healthy mind frame just because of

01:06:35.180 the fact that he, he put that sentence in there. Um, but he, it doesn't mean he doesn't still need

01:06:41.640 help. So I think finding a professional on the deep rooted stuff is an important part of that.

01:06:46.940 As a shout out for the therapy, what that has done for me is the ability, not just to realize what

01:06:57.940 it's coming from, but to also realize that my anger or emotional reaction towards something

01:07:04.380 is not true towards the thing I'm angry about. It's really powerful. It's one thing to be able to

01:07:13.120 say, well, I'm angry all the time because of blah, blah, blah. It's a whole other bag to be triggered

01:07:18.340 to feel anger towards maybe a spouse and be able to hit the pause button and go, wait a second.

01:07:27.060 I'm reacting towards her and what she did unfairly

01:07:31.180 due to trauma as a child. And, and she doesn't deserve that.

01:07:39.460 So, so what's an example of that, but is that, is it just that she doesn't deserve it? Or is it,

01:07:48.040 did therapy help you connect that? Oh, that's what used to happen to me. So that's my expectation

01:07:54.620 of how I'm supposed to react here because of that. Like what's, what's, can you connect that a little

01:08:01.540 more? Here's the deal. Yeah. So it's not true. It's not true.

01:08:08.360 Like you don't have to react that way. Well, no, the meaning that you've created is not true.

01:08:15.240 Like I would even argue. So, and this, you know, some people may lose their shit over this comment.

01:08:22.660 Even if you've had abuse as a child, you were sexually abused as a child, you have horrible

01:08:29.780 trauma. I'm not saying those things were okay or anything else, but there's a very high probability

01:08:37.120 for most people that the meaning that the associated to that drama, that trauma is wrong.

01:08:49.120 They took an event. And as a 10 year old kid, you interpret it as I'm not lovable. I'm not good

01:08:58.120 enough. They don't love me. I'll never be good enough. I can't trust people, blah, blah, blah.

01:09:04.180 And in most cases, when we sit down and analyze that, it's not true. What's true is you got your

01:09:09.660 ass beat. That's what's true. That, that is reality. The interpretation of it is that you aren't

01:09:17.020 good enough, that your dad doesn't love you, blah, blah, blah. And all these other things.

01:09:19.840 Now, 30 years later, you're approaching a situation possibly with someone or a spouse.

01:09:27.180 And when they say something, where are you approaching the circumstance from?

01:09:31.960 From your interpretation of when you were 10 and you're looking for evidence that I am not good

01:09:37.680 enough. I can't trust people and all these other things. And it's not true. It wasn't even true

01:09:41.680 when you're 10, let alone true in what you're projecting to your spouse.

01:09:45.960 And so the value of therapy is one rooted in where's that coming from, but also rooting and

01:09:54.740 disconnecting the difference between your perception and reality and realizing that when

01:10:00.140 that trigger comes up, that it's your perception from when you're younger being projected in the

01:10:05.740 current circumstance, you're taking your past and you're dragging it into the present and into the

01:10:11.100 future. Now, here's the deal. Most people, it's not going to go away, right? So everyone thinks

01:10:17.440 like, oh, it's going to go away and I won't be angry. No, it's never going to go away. However,

01:10:23.460 what can go away, well, that may be not go away. What you can do is be able to be quicker on the draw

01:10:31.900 and be able to hit the pause and go, wait a second here. Where's this rooted in? Cleared up and then

01:10:38.660 approach the situation appropriately and get that window of time between reaction and resolve

01:10:46.440 shorter and shorter over a period of time. And how powerful is it too, when you can have that

01:10:52.180 conversation with that individual, with your spouse and you say, hey, I know it's not fair.

01:10:59.940 I know it's not ideal and I'm sorry. It's actually rooted in this other thing. And I'm totally

01:11:04.680 projecting on you in a negative way. I'm sorry and own it from a very powerful place. And then

01:11:11.180 they also understand you. And now they can also even help you and have some empathy and understand

01:11:17.080 where those triggers come from. Not from the position that you can be a victim and it's like,

01:11:21.360 oh, woe is me. There's nothing I can do about it. No, you own that shit. You own the perspective that

01:11:25.880 you came up with when you're 10. You're not a victim. And that's the power of this, by the way,

01:11:31.340 of addressing trauma this way is because who owns the suffering? You do. It's your interpretation

01:11:40.420 that's causing misery in your life, not the actual event. What a powerful way for you to own the way

01:11:48.900 you're seeing the world, even if it was your past and own it into your relationship. But it's valuable,

01:11:54.840 once again, really kind of what we were saying earlier, Sean, the power of communicating and being

01:12:00.420 clear in your head of what this is and communicating that to those that love and want to support you.

01:12:07.120 Yeah. I'm glad you elaborated that because it makes way more sense to me now what you meant

01:12:11.400 by that. But it did make me think of, because he's talking especially about his family dynamic,

01:12:17.320 it's also important to understand what's true for the people that are closest to you in your life.

01:12:24.060 And what I mean by that is you, it's important. You understand their personalities and how they do

01:12:30.020 things and how they say things, because you could have your spouse say something to you

01:12:36.140 that her meaning was, I'll just use my wife as an example. My wife is like her personality type.

01:12:44.740 She will say things that seem super rude. Like I would never say something to her that way for fear

01:12:53.360 of her being pissed at me if I said it that way. Because if I said it, I would be saying it to be

01:13:00.940 a jerk. But her personality type, she says it because she's trying to get stuff done. And if she's mean

01:13:08.760 about it, she's trying to get stuff done and she's worried and stressed about it. And so I know that

01:13:15.240 if she's mean about the way she says something to me and something she wants to get done, I can let

01:13:21.460 that roll off my back because I understand who she is and how she says things where most people I've

01:13:29.060 literally had people around when she gets like that. Sometimes they're like, how could you let her

01:13:33.940 talk to you like that? And I'm like, because I understand my wife. Like you are thinking about

01:13:41.240 it more than she's thinking about it now. She's not mad at me. She's not, she doesn't think I'm an

01:13:46.620 idiot. She doesn't think any of those things. She's just trying to get stuff done and she's already

01:13:50.880 moved on to the next thing. So if she's not thinking about it, why should I? Right. And so, and by the

01:13:56.680 way, it doesn't matter what someone else thinks about what she said to me, as long as I understand it.

01:14:01.660 And so that has understanding her in that way was one of the most important parts of our

01:14:09.060 relationship. And I'm glad someone taught us that early on in it. So for him, if he's about to have

01:14:14.980 their first kid, it's really important that he understands his wife in a way that he knows her

01:14:22.260 personality well enough to know the meaning behind how she says things. And then as your kids grow,

01:14:27.880 it's important to know that in them too, because all your kids are going to be different with

01:14:31.980 different personalities. And they're going to say things that you think you should never speak

01:14:36.140 that way to an adult, but their personality type may, you know, their meaning may not be your same

01:14:45.020 meaning. Right. And so that's a, that's in, in your most important relationships. I think it's

01:14:51.640 important that you understand each other well enough to, to not attach meaning to, to the way

01:14:57.300 things are being said. Yeah. It's amazing how much that awareness of self allows you to have

01:15:03.280 empathy for others. Yeah. Yeah. All right. I got two rapid fire. These are easy questions and we'll

01:15:10.640 wrap up. Is that cool? Yep. All right. Jay Valentine, considering getting an MBA to advance my career.

01:15:16.920 However, my long-term goal is to be a business owner and be able to spend more time with my wife

01:15:22.340 and kids. Is it worth pursuing the degree for financial and career gains when my goal is to be

01:15:27.880 out of the corporate world in the next 10 years, or would it actually put me in a better position

01:15:32.680 to run my own business? I'm going to get some guys pissed at me, especially the, the, the guys that

01:15:39.780 are super pro education. I think you're wasting your time. If you're, if your actual goal is to start a

01:15:46.520 business of your own, your MBA is not going to help you in that pursuit. Um, or if the MBA has courses

01:15:53.540 that you think might be valuable, take the course to take the course to learn, but the paper's not

01:15:58.560 going to help you to learn that part of building your business. Absolutely. Like I, I've learned

01:16:04.680 some stuff from guys that have their MBA that they learned in school. But like you said, it was one

01:16:09.720 semester that they learned that they didn't need to waste all that money and be in debt, everything

01:16:14.640 else to get the MBA to learn that. And so maybe find those pieces. And, uh, I think you're better

01:16:20.900 off finding guys who run successful businesses in the field you want to operate in and, and open up

01:16:26.880 some mentoring with them or finding some, uh, seminars or things to go to that'll help you in

01:16:33.860 that pursuit. I think your, your time and money is going to be better spent doing that. What do you

01:16:40.940 think? Would you, I agree. I agree. I think it's as simple as this. What's the skillset that is

01:16:48.180 required to be highly successful in the industry and the job that you want to create, start getting

01:16:54.680 the reps. Now, if you think those reps are through education, sure, go to education. But if the reps

01:17:00.020 are not there, then start getting reps. Like that's probably more important than anything because

01:17:05.560 it's the, it's the tall tale, like, all right, awesome. I have an MBA. Now what? You still don't

01:17:12.680 know anything. You don't have a valuable skillset to market. So figure out how to get this skillset,

01:17:19.900 assuming that it's professional services or start creating the product. Now don't delay. Now,

01:17:25.220 one thing that some guys will argue is one of the major benefits of an MBA is actually networking

01:17:31.300 around other MBAs. So do keep in mind that as an option, but maybe you do that through another

01:17:38.740 approach. So I want to put too much weight on it. I think we're totally in agreement, Sean.

01:17:43.600 Yeah. And I wish I knew, I wish I had stats to back it up, you know, knowing the number of

01:17:49.660 successful entrepreneurs that have an MBA, you know, opposed to how many don't. That'd be fun to look

01:17:58.260 up. Yeah. Yeah. It would be interesting. All right. Tim Clemens thoughts or knowledge slash

01:18:03.920 opinion on Krav Maga. Have you done Krav Maga? I haven't, but I know guys who do it. The only

01:18:09.660 thing I know is it's brutal. I mean, it's like, it's, it's like, if you're going to, yeah, if you're

01:18:18.080 going to grapple with someone that's, that's, you know, a black belt and Krav Maga, like expect that

01:18:23.940 they're going to try and rip your nuts off. Yeah. That might be a move in Krav Maga, how to rip

01:18:30.360 the nuts, which is the problem, right? So I don't get me wrong. I love Krav Maga. I've done some Krav Maga.

01:18:38.980 I know a lot of people that train in Krav Maga and it's no different than MMA and other striking

01:18:48.260 sports. The problem is how much practice you can get in. The probability is it's, it's very true.

01:18:56.360 So just hear me out here. You can't practice it full, full a hundred percent. It's not an option,

01:19:06.540 right? Like you and I can go, dude, let's go a hundred percent Krav Maga. Next day, both of us

01:19:11.860 would be losing our nuts, right? Like it's not an option. Yeah. Like we'd be eye gouging and then we're

01:19:17.260 injured and then we can't do Krav Maga anymore. And so is there a probability for you to quote,

01:19:22.520 unquote, learn something, but not fill it and really learn it because it's hypothetical pad work.

01:19:32.180 It's hypothetical hooks. Do you get what I'm saying? And so that's the one, one issue I have with it.

01:19:40.420 Um, the other issue I have with it from a self-defense perspective is this,

01:19:45.620 and I'm still in this from Jocko. So credit, you know, copyright, blah, blah, blah, you know,

01:19:52.340 Jocko here who there's a, as a military guy is saying a lot, cause there's a ton of military

01:19:56.620 guys that are super pro Krav Maga because it's effective. Totally, totally. And one, one thing

01:20:02.740 that, that Jocko shared that I love is if you and I are striking from a self-defense perspective,

01:20:08.940 what do you do? You walk away. That, that is, that is the proper self-defense move is we tow up,

01:20:17.300 you put your hands up and I go, I'm out and I run away. That is, that's what you should do in a

01:20:23.520 self-defense perspective. The problem is when you grab me and I can't run away, then we grapple,

01:20:32.320 right? Then I need to address being held. And so, and that's where the grappling arts are superior

01:20:39.540 because now we're close countered, right? We're close together. Probably striking is very difficult

01:20:45.580 to do when you're being held because you're too close to each other to actually do strikes and

01:20:49.800 kicks. And then all the grappling and the value of being on the ground becomes into play. Now,

01:20:56.200 everyone listening that does Krav Maga goes, Oh, Kip, we do Krav Maga grappling. I totally understand

01:21:00.660 that. And that's where I'd add one of the drawbacks is you don't get a fully try it. And that's the

01:21:07.420 only thing that, that I, that I have a problem with now problem with AKA what I do Krav Maga and

01:21:13.520 have I done Krav Maga? Yeah, totally awesome. So I'm not saying don't do it. I'm just saying

01:21:20.020 those are some opinions and things to consider. Like it. Cool. All right, man, let's wrap up.

01:21:28.180 Yeah. We're up on time. So Sean, dude, always a pleasure. Thank you, man. And, and I'm sure

01:21:35.920 we'll be doing more and more of these as time goes by a couple of call to actions, guys. We

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01:21:54.060 last call to action is the iron council. So to learn about the iron council, go to order

01:21:59.740 man.com slash iron council. All you can do right now is sign up to get notified of when

01:22:05.480 we open it back up. We're going to open it roughly about the 15th of September, and you'll

01:22:11.460 have two weeks to join us. And then it's going to close right up because we have cohorts that

01:22:16.120 as part of our onboarding process on a quarterly basis. So if you're interested, get your ducks in

01:22:22.720 a row, get prepared and get ready to sign up roughly a month from now, as we get ready to

01:22:29.480 open that back up and to get notified, of course, go to order man.com slash iron council. And the only

01:22:35.320 last call is, you know, for your order man swag, go to store.orderman.com. Anything, any closing

01:22:41.760 remarks, Sean? No, it's always a pleasure. Glad to be here today. Awesome. So until Friday field

01:22:49.140 notes, take action and become the man you were meant to be. Thank you for listening to the order

01:22:54.340 of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant

01:22:59.140 to be. We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.

Order of Man - August 17, 2022

When to Call BS, Overcoming Discouragement, and Staying Effective Despite Trauma ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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