When You Mess Up, Learn ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES
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Summary
Failure is an inevitable part of life, and we all have our share of it. In this episode, I share six things that I have learned from my own failures and setbacks over the years that have helped propel me forward in my life.
Transcript
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you've made mistakes you've messed up you've done things you've said things you've acted in a certain
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way you've screwed people over you've said mean things you've made mistakes i mean name it we've
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done it all every single one of us i have so many things in my life so many things that i can't even
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tell you one thing right now that i've done in my life where i have just absolutely failed i've made
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a horrible horrible mistake and if i would have known better or would have been in a different
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position i would have made a different decision failure is an inevitable part of life and i fear
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that maybe in the past i've glossed over this or overlooked this or made it too simplistic or just
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dismissed the fact that we're all confronted with failure in our life i've had so many different
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failures as i'm sure everybody else has and i'm not here to compare woes or struggles or challenges or
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anything like that by any means we all have our struggles that we're dealing with but i also
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don't want to dismiss the fact that when you're in the throes of setback and heartache and heartbreak
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and challenges and frustrations that it's just easy to fix whatever might be going on sometimes it just
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takes time sometimes it's confusion and lack of answers and external factors that are beyond our
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control that make it hard for somebody like me who loves to be in control to have the control that i desire
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and if you're anything like me then you know how difficult that can be but the reality is it's going to
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happen you're going to have setbacks you're going to lose a job you're going to make a dumb financial
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decision you're going to get into business with the wrong person you're going to have a collapse of your
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marriage or a relationship you're going to deal with medical situations and you're going to deal
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with things that maybe i didn't describe but that just inevitably pop up maybe they're minor and maybe
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they're major but regardless our ability as men to confront the issues that we deal with address them
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head-on and ultimately learn from those failures and setbacks is what's going to determine whether or not
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ultimately we will be successful in life financially relationally spiritually mentally emotionally
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etc etc today i want to share with you six things that you can do today to ensure that you learn from
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your failures one of the most common questions that i often get on our ask many things and over the past
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decade of doing this now is uh how do i overcome fill in the blank you know maybe somebody lost a
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relationship and they've been hung up on that woman for the past five six seven ten years
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or they feel guilty or ashamed about the way that they may have performed in that relationship or
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maybe it was at work or just in life in general and they're trying to overcome the guilt and the shame
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of making bad decisions or doing things wrong or losing the person they care about or being financially
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destitute and the only answer that i can give you on a broad sense is to learn from those experiences
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that's all you can do at this point you can't go back in time you can't take back the words you may
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have said you can't take back the actions that you may have engaged in you can't take back the mess ups
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that you might have done all you can do is learn moving forward so i'm going to share six things with
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you right now that in the wake of my own failures and setbacks over life that i have learned and extracted
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from these from these failures to help propel me forward in my life so number one is complacency
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kills now when i was in iraq in 2005 and 2006 there was a a board a wooden plywood board
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at the front of the gate and it was green and the letters complacency kills were painted in red
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on that board and as our soldiers and marines and everybody else left that base that was the last
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thing they saw when they left the base to go out into the city or go on a convoy or wherever they
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may have been going and when we read that sign like i said it said complacency kills in that context as in
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literal death if if you're complacent and you just fall into old patterns or old habits or old beliefs
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you're gonna die literally you're going to die now in our lives now outside of military or law
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enforcement or some of these other professions the likelihood of you dying because uh you make a bad
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financial decision are relatively low the likelihood of you dying uh because you had a breakdown in a
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relationship are relatively low the likelihood of you dying because you got fired or because um you
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know somebody's mad at you you went through a bankruptcy are relatively low so that's a good
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thing but there's a spiritual death there's an emotional death there's there's the likelihood of
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just losing a bit of your soul when things go wrong you know you start to question whether or not you did
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things right and how you could have done them better and you question why things are the way they are
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and maybe you feel like you know i got dealt a bad hand or life is unfair and there's there's these
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externalities that are beyond my control and you believe that you're not going to be okay
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and if you believe that then you're not going to be and that's the hard truth it's what you believe
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if you believe that you're going to be okay you will but what i would suggest to you is before you
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even get to the problem at hand is be very vigilant and aware of what might be happening
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if you see the red flags at work and your boss is unhappy or unsatisfied or you see a bunch of clients
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leaving you in droves those are some red flags if you feel like in your relationship that you're more
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distant and disconnected than you've ever been those are red flags that's telling you that's a warning light
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it's like the little warning light that comes on your dashboard in your vehicle saying
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warning warning warning warning something's wrong something's off you need to pay attention to me to
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this right now because if you don't you're dead again not probably in literal death but you're going
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to suffer some real hardships and i know why we do it because we don't want to confront it right when
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that engine light comes on that check engine light comes on in your vehicle you don't want to stop
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everything you're doing and take it to the mechanic you have other things to do you're busy with work
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and life and people and relationships and demands for this and demands for that you've got so much
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going on and so you neglect it and you put it off and you think that it'll be okay
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and in the background that problem is just metastasizing it's just getting worse and worse and worse
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but you can't see the the symptoms of it yet and there will come a point in time where you will
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you are literally marching maybe not literally but you are figuratively marching to a cliff
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and unless you're willing to look at what the problem is or what the drop looks like or what that
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gap represents you're not going to address it do not be complacent address things if your boss is
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mad at you tackle it if you've lost a few clients call them and say hey not here to win you back just
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here to figure out what went wrong if you have a relationship and it feels off or wrong or or
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distant approach or hey i feel distant i feel disconnected i feel like something's off what do
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we need to do here what's going on and be assertive if anything i think that's probably what largely
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defines us as men when we see problems and challenges we tackle them we don't ignore them we don't bury our
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heads in the sand and pretend they don't exist we tackle them head on ask yourself what conversations
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do i need to have what red flags am i avoiding what medical issues am i dealing with that i haven't
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addressed what client conversations do i need to have what kind of conversation do i need to have with
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my boss so that i can make sure i stay vigilant and out ahead of the problems that might exist number two
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externalities are rarely the problem all right if you have a crappy boss and that's a one-off
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it's a one-off but if every boss you've ever had is a crappy boss then the only common denominator in
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that equation is you if every romantic relationship you've ever had has been horrible and tragic and
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ended in catastrophe and you're heartbroken and devastated you are the only person as a common
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denominator in that equation if all of your clients are leaving you and going somewhere else
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you are the common denominator it's you and we don't really want to look at that do we
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we want to put it off on somebody else well the reason my relationship is because she fill in the
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blank the reason i didn't get the promotion is because my boss fill in the blank the reason i got sued is
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because he was a piece of fill in the blank the reason the economy is so horrible is because fill
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in the blank and what i would suggest to you is your default answer should be the reason that
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your personal finances aren't the way they need to be is because of you the reason that you didn't get
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the promotion is because of you the reason that your relationship is breaking down is because of
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you now i'm not telling you to ignore externalities i'm not telling you that it doesn't take two to
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tango or that there aren't other people or other outside factors in the equation of course in a
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relationship she has other ideas and visions and things that she wants to accomplish of course in a
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relationship uh a um a business arrangement a boss might have ideas that are conflicting with yours and
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the vision of the company might be different than your vision of the company of course you might get
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diagnosed as my guest um last week hal elrod was diagnosed with a a life-threatening
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cancer diagnosis i'm not here to tell you that it's his fault or his problem well it is his problem but
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it's not his fault that that happened but what i am here to tell you is that the externalities are
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rarely the actual problem what is actually the problem is the way you're operating it's your mindset
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it's your behaviors it's your thoughts it's your actions and if you correct those things
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then life will get better if you have a medical diagnosis then it's your responsibility to eat
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properly fuel yourself correctly get the sleep and recover you need build strength so that you can
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overcome that that diagnosis if you got the passed over for the promotion then it's your job to figure out
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why you got passed over for the promotion even if it was something outside of your control and then
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figure out what you can do better to influence a better decision for you and yours moving forward
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if the relationship broke down or the marriage ended after 10 or 15 years and you don't want that
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to have happen again then it's your responsibility to figure out how you could have done it differently
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now that's not to say you can control other people but you certainly have more influence and power
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over your situation than you believe and the only reason you might not be experiencing that is
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because you're focused on the things you can control instead of the things that you can
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all right number three when learning to let go when learning to overcome the guilt and the shame of past
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mistakes and baggage and trauma and bullcrap and failures i would say this learn to build new and
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let go of the old in fact what i would say is learn to build new better better what if instead of
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thinking that the world is against you that that woman is against you or that boss is against you or
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the economy is against you or the president hates you or this is like trying to conspire against you
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you believed that nothing was conspiring against me and if anything it might be conspiring for me
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but all i need to do is learn some skills learn how to communicate better learn how to show my love
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affection better learn how to eat better learn how to fuel my body more effectively learn how to train
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harder and more effectively learn how to reach out to clients learn how to ask for referrals learn how
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to manage my money learn how to invest learn how to talk to my boss again i'm not telling you that
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it's all within your control i want to be very clear on that because i've fallen into the trap thinking
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that if i just do everything better then everything will work out in my benefit and that's not always
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true i can do everything just perfect the best way i could i could ask a thousand of the the most
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researched well-versed credible people in that arena and say what should i do and they could tell me you
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know a hundred things and i could do all 100 of those things and it still might not work out
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it still might not work out but you can build it better
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you can let go of what's beyond your control and you can focus on what's within yours and then you
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can increase the odds and that's my game i i could i could go work out till i'm blue in the face i could
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eat the perfect nutrition plan i could put it all together i could do everything i get the sleep and
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the stamina i could do all of it just right and tomorrow as i'm traveling to st louis for one of
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our events i could get in a plane crash and die i could have a pain in my abdomen and going to the
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doctor and he could tell me you have colon cancer and that that that's completely outside of my control
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and yet we have to increase the odds right you have to increase the odds because what is the
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alternative well i could get cancer anyway so i might as well just eat like a dump truck and
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sit around on the couch like a fat pathetic loser the rest of my life well you you certainly have
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the ability to do that but is that going to increase your odds of living a better life or is that going
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to decrease your odds play the odds guys play the odds build a new life yeah she left yeah you got
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fired yes you went through a bankruptcy yes you did something dumb and went to jail for three years
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yes like fill in the blank with whatever you're going through yes yes all of that has happened to you
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and yet you're not horrible and you're not broken and you're not crippled and you're not incapacitated
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and you have the ability to grow and to get better and to be hopeful and optimistic when you wake up in
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the morning i know what you're thinking because i think it too this is what i'm dealing with and we
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think about the negative what if instead we said you know what here we go blood pumping through my veins
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air coursing through my lungs yeah sure devastated about whatever i'm dealing with but you know what
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i got more to do today i got a lot to do today i have new relationships to build i have old
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relationships to mend i have business to to develop i have people to serve i have charities that i can help
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i have money to make and you decided to focus on what is important and building a new kind of life for
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yourself all right number four do not grow bitter and contentious and don't label i would add that as
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well it's very easy when you have hardship in your life to think that this is just your lot in life
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and that everybody or everything that you might be currently dealing with is conspiring against you
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or is a piece of crap or is a loser or is horrible or whatever it is that you're telling yourself right
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now and you start to compartmentalize but you also start to label and you put things into categories
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so you might have a blow up with your boss and you might say oh i'm never gonna work for a boss again
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because they're all just a bunch of assholes that's labeling or you have a breakdown in your
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relationship and you think man she was she was this and she was that and i can't believe she did this
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to me and so all women are fill in the blank that's labeling or you know every time this person gets
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elected then i lose money and i that's labeling or all my clients are horrible because this one person
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did this one thing and everybody's like this labeling don't do that don't grow bitter you have a choice to
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make do you really believe that all bosses are that way do you really believe all women might be that
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way do you really believe that everybody's out to get you or are you just saying that as a coping
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mechanism for the catastrophe that you feel like you might be dealing with no not everybody's like that
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we say it because it delegates responsibility to other people and i'm not saying that in a positive light
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by the way but if she's the reason for your breakup then you don't have to take ownership of it if he
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the boss or she the boss is the reason for you getting passed over for the promotion you don't have to
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take responsibility of it and so now you can just be bitter and contentious and have frustration and
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anxiety and ignore all the wonderful things all the new relationships all the new business partnerships
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all of the other bosses who don't act like that who will actually serve you and who you want to serve
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and who you want to be growing in life together personally professionally platonically romantically
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there's so much abundance out there and yet we get so bitter and contentious
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that we shut ourselves off to the possibility of the future there is a future for you and you know
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you want to know how i know because you're here with me you're here today
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and i want to ask you not even rhetorically how many hardships have you gone through in your life
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serious hardships not like hey somebody was mad at my client called me he was mad at me i'm talking
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about serious hardships half a dozen a dozen two dozen three dozen a hundred and yet you're still here
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so what does that tell me what should that tell you
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that the power and the stamina and the ability of a man who's committed to being better
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can overcome tremendous adversity tremendous heartbreak tremendous setback and he can be better
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if he chooses not to hang on to baggage longer than he ought to
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some things aren't meant for you to carry some things you need to carry for a temporary period of
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i remember years ago i was taking a group of young men they were between the ages of 14 and 16 years old
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on a camp out and we hiked down into uh a ravine where there was a body of water it was a small lake
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where we could jump in and cool off and if i remember correctly it's about 10 miles and then
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we were going to camp out at the bottom of this ravine and then we're going to hike back up the next
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day and the hike up was about seven miles to a cabin that a friend of mine owned and we're going to spend
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the next two days at the cabin so they had to earn it they had to earn the cabin and we get down to the
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bottom of the ravine that first afternoon and that's where we're going to make camp and we make
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camp and long story short we wake up the next morning and i tell the boys hey it's time to get
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up so they get up and we start packing up and we do a little breakfast and things like that and we
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get the guys going and we start hiking and my bag felt unnecessarily heavy way heavier than it did
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the day before and i remember thinking man this feels heavy but maybe i'm just tired and i'm hiking
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and i'm hiking and i see the boys giggling at each other i'm like what are they giggling about and i
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keep hiking and hiking and i can't remember how i came to the realization but maybe we stopped
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for a break and i opened my pack and the boys at night had put a bunch of rocks in my in my bag
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and i was bothered but also it was funny and i carried that thing for miles miles and mind you
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at this point in my life i was not in the best shape and i was struggling and i was sweating and
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heaving and god i just could not get it together and so i had all these extra rocks in my bag and i
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you know yelled at the boys or whatever and it was all good fun so it was not that big a deal but i
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took the rocks out and it was amazing how much lighter the rest of the trip was i think we had
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another five or six miles to go and the reason i share that with you is because how many rocks are you
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carrying in life how many past mistakes are you carrying around have you ever forgiven yourself
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have you ever sat down and took the rocks out of your bag and said i don't want to carry this anymore
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and let it down and forgave yourself and forgave other people and chalked up mistakes
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to not knowing to not having the answers to not being as good as you could have been or that you
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can be now and you consciously for the first time in your life decided you know what i'm not going to
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carry that anymore i'm not going to be guilty i'm not going to be ashamed i'm not going to be embarrassed
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i'm not going to be sad i'm not going to be sorrowful i'm going to rise above all of that
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today starting right now i'm going to sit down i'm going to open my pack up i'm going to take all
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those rocks down and i'm going to leave them exactly where they are so that i can move forward in
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lightness being more light emotionally mentally physically and deciding that you can be better
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than you are right now and you can but you don't need to carry the rocks forever
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and you aren't some martyr and you aren't destined to carry shit that isn't yours to carry
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and it doesn't even make you virtuous or righteous it makes you dumb and i'm not saying that to be rude
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because i've done it too and i still do it but we're dumb when we carry rocks that aren't ours to
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carry and we can't learn to take what doesn't belong in our pack out number what am i on number five
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forgive yourself you've made mistakes you've messed up you've done things you've said things you've
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acted in a certain way you've screwed people over you've said mean things you've made mistakes i mean
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name it we've we've done it all every single one of us i have so many things in my life so many things
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that i can't even tell you one thing right now that i've done in my life where i have just absolutely
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failed i've made a horrible horrible mistake and if i would have known better or would have been in
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a different position i would have made a different decision if i would have had more information if i
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would have had more feedback if i would have known the consequence of those things that i engaged in
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i would have done it differently but i didn't know i made the best decisions that i could
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and now granted i know you're thinking i could have done better you could have done better with
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the information that you have now right so you're in a relationship and maybe you mistreated her
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but that's basing past decisions on current information hindsight is 2020 you got passed over
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for that promotion you thought man i could have done a better job at that interview absolutely you could
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have with the beautiful blessing of having all the feedback that you need now but then in that
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interview you didn't have that and so you did the best that you could and that's not to let yourself
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off the hook by the way it's just to tell you you made a decision based on all of the factors at hand
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all of your experiences and knowledge and baggage and bullshit and conversations and everything and you
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made a decision and maybe you chose poorly okay now you have new information now you know better now
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you're a better man and so at some point you just have to wash your hands and say that wasn't me
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that was the way i was behaving then but that's not me today and so those are two different people
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there's a quote that says no man steps in the same river twice for he is not the same man and it is
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not the same river you are a different man today than you were yesterday are you better or are you
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worse because there's only one of two that can be you're better than you were or you're worse and if
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you're sitting around and you're sulking and you're wallowing in your self-pity and you're throwing
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yourself a little pity party and you're trying to be a martyr for no good reason to be a martyr
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then you're a worse man than you were yesterday if on the other hand you're willing to acknowledge
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that you had some shortcomings and deficiencies but you learn these lessons and you're going to
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apply them moving forward and here's how you're going to do it and here's what you're doing now
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then you are better than you were yesterday and isn't that our goal the kaizen method one percent
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better every day isn't that your goal better than who you were yesterday not better than me
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or anybody else you might follow on social media better than yourself
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forgive you were dumb you were ignorant you were stupid you were deceived you were manipulated
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forgive yourself don't forgive yourself for what you're going to do next forgive yourself for what
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you did before all right the last point that i wanted to make is make for you today is focus on
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the controllables there's so much beyond our control and there's so much to worry about how
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your boss responds how your clients respond how she responds how the market responds how who gets
00:27:14.160
elected president what the weather is going to look like what the economy is doing man it's never
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ending it's it's literally never ending focus on you i often say make yourself the project
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and i've also said fix yourself first before you start worrying about anybody else or anything else
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or what everybody else is doing what the market's doing or what the president is doing or what the
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this is doing or what that is doing fix yourself go to bed on time feel your body correctly
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surround yourself with good people exercise learn how to communicate learn skills that you need for
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your job engage with new people create new hobbies and activities and interest and get better than
00:27:58.080
you were before you can do it you absolutely can do it and i have faith that you can do it but it takes
00:28:03.360
effort and it takes time you're you might be in the pit of despair i have no idea what you're going
00:28:09.800
through right now some of you guys are on that the highest of the high mountains and some of you are in
00:28:14.260
the pit of despair and most of us are somewhere in between any given day but guys you you can do this
00:28:21.700
focus on what you can control and what i think will happen is over time days weeks months years
00:28:29.920
one day you'll look back and say you know what i remember that but i don't really remember how i felt
00:28:37.260
because i'm in a completely different spot than i am now and life will be better life will be good
00:28:42.920
not to say you're going to absolve yourself of all challenges but life will be better
00:28:47.600
and by the way challenges are a good thing it means you're on the precipice of growth
00:28:52.420
she's not interested in that relationship that's okay precipice of growth what can you do better
00:29:00.580
in the next relationship you have your boss fired you that's okay precipice of growth
00:29:05.460
what can you do better for the next employer or maybe even start your own business
00:29:09.880
i've had that happen medical diagnosis okay what do i need to learn right now i'm right on the cusp
00:29:17.180
of growth what do i need to learn right now to get better and that could transform your life not just
00:29:21.240
physically but in all realms i believe in you i believe in myself even when things aren't going
00:29:27.480
as well as i'd like them to and i would like them to go well all the time but it isn't reality
00:29:31.400
but i believe enough in myself that life will get better if we do the right things number one
00:29:37.100
complacency kills number two externalities are not the problem number three build new let go of the
00:29:44.240
old but build it better number four do not grow bitter and contentious or label i added that as
00:29:49.940
well number five forgive yourself and number six focus on the controllables i help i hope that helps
00:29:55.960
there's a lot of men who are really struggling right now and i would be remiss if i didn't say that
00:30:02.720
if you do these six things you will be in a much much better position in your life and that's what
00:30:06.780
i want for you that's what i want for myself that's what i want for everybody listening and by the way
00:30:11.640
when we do this we can serve people more effectively and that's ultimately what i want i want to be able
00:30:16.580
to serve my family and friends and colleagues and co-workers and the people in my life it requires this
00:30:21.380
when we mess up i hope that serves you guys connect with me on the gram or facebook or x let me know
00:30:26.920
what you guys think if you have any other thoughts on this or commentary please let me know
00:30:30.740
most active over on instagram at ryan mickler and we will be back next week until then go out there
00:30:36.840
take action when you mess up learn and become a man you are meant to be
00:30:41.980
thank you for listening to the order of man podcast you're ready to take charge of your life
00:30:51.640
and be more of the man you were meant to be we invite you to join the order at order of man.com