Why Are Men So Lonely? | FRIDAY FIELD NOTES
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Summary
In this episode, we talk about the growing problem of male loneliness and how to deal with it. I talk about 3 things that contribute to this problem, and 5 strategies that can help you overcome it. 1. The myth of the lone wolf 2. 5 strategies to overcome loneliness 3. Why it s important to have other men in your corner 4. Why you need to be around other men 5. How to overcome male loneliness
Transcript
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You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart
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your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.
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You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who
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you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,
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you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Brian Michler.
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I'm the host and the founder of the Order of Man podcast and movement. Hopefully,
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if you're tuning in on YouTube, you see a little difference in the video quality today.
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We're changing some things around. We're trying to improve. I've moved and the studio is no longer,
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so I'm rebuilding a studio. So you're going to see a lot of improvements over the coming weeks
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and months. And this is one small step to make sure we get our content and our information
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and our message out there in a more credible, relevant, interesting, positive way.
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So hopefully that's the case. We'll continue to improve. Guys, if you're new to the podcast and
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what we're doing here, we've been going for eight years strong. This is a podcast dedicated to helping
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you become a better man, a better husband, father, business owner, community leader, just man in
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general. And all of us have had our struggles. I've had my fair share of struggles specifically over the
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past six to eight months, but we're all on the path. We're all on the journey. And it's my goal to
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give you information via this podcast with interviews from incredible, incredible men
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like David Goggins, Dan Crenshaw, Jocko Willing, Terry Cruz, Tim Kennedy, Tim Tebow, and the list goes
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on and on so that you can improve in your life the way that you see fit and relevant. I've got a really
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important one for you today. And we're going to talk about male loneliness because this is becoming
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an epidemic. This is a real problem. On an anecdotal level, I talk with men every single day
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who are lonely, they're isolated, they're depressed, some are even suicidal, and they're
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just kind of down in the dumps. And on a more rigorous or at least researched level, the studies
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and the data suggest that men who are isolated and who are lonely are committing suicide, have higher
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higher levels of depression, anxiety, and overall performance at work and at home and a level of
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satisfaction and fulfillment in their lives. So I don't need to sell you on why it's important that
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we'd be around other men. I don't think I need to do that. There might be some of you who may feel
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like you can do it alone. We're going to talk about that. But ultimately, at the end of the day,
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you need other men in your corner. You really do. You may not need it when things are going well,
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but when things are going poorly and things are going hard and challenging for you, you've got to
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have guys in your corner. And that means building it out now, even if things are going well in your
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life. So today I thought I'd talk with you about three things that contribute to the isolation that
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men have, because if we can figure out what contributes to it, then maybe we can do something
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about it. And then number two, we can talk about five strategies that will help you overcome the
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isolation, the loneliness, the, that you may be experiencing. So let's get right into it. Number
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one is this myth of the lone wolf. Like somewhere along the way, men started to buy into the idea that
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it's better or more alpha or more omega. It's like these Greek words that people use that men use to
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describe themselves. Like, I don't buy into that necessarily, but you hear that all the time.
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Like, I don't, I don't need that. I don't need any of that. I'm an alpha. I don't know why we've
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bought into this other than Hollywood has told you that the Marlboro men, Jason Bourne, James Bond,
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all of these guys that we look at as these quintessential icons of masculinity, they didn't work
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well with others. They didn't need the help of other people. They always did it on their own.
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And they always got the women, they got the money and they got the success. And I think that's a big
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part of the problem is that we look on the silver screen and we look at TV and we see the guys who
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are like, man, I want to be like that guy. I want to bed that many women like James Bond does,
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or I want to have that skillset like Jason Bourne does. We're going to be that cool. Like the Marlboro
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man was. And we think, well, in order to do that, I've got to be alone. I've got to handle this
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on my own. I've got to man up, so to speak. And I don't take issue necessarily with that term,
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unless the underlying root of it is that you need to go at it alone, that you need to struggle,
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that you need to suffer, that you need to be miserable, that you need to be anxious,
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that you need to be depressed, that you need to be suicidal. You don't need to be those things.
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You need to be edified. You need to be uplifted. You need to be fulfilled. You need to be spoken
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into. You need to be called up. And for that to happen, you need to have other noble, righteous,
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honorable, capable men, successful men in their own rights in your corner, advocating for you.
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That doesn't mean rubbing your balls, making you feel good about every decision that you make.
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And it also doesn't mean that they're going to beat you down to a pulp because you happen to make
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a mistake. No, these advocates are going to step up when they need to, when you need it. And these
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advocates are also going to put their arm around you and say, Hey bro, it's okay. I got you.
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When you need it. That's what we need. You can't do it alone, guys. You don't need to do it alone.
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You're not supposed to do it alone. I don't know why we think this is less manly. For thousands and
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thousands of years, men have been operating in tribes and packs and bands and brotherhoods and
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gangs. And it's worked. It makes us stronger. It makes us better. I'm coaching two of my son's
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baseball teams right now. They're better as a team. They work together. They don't want to let each
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other down. They call each other. They even give each other a hard time or tease each other or even
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give each other demeaning nicknames. Now I know much of society and even women be like, Oh, I can't
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believe they're doing that. That's because they don't understand the way of men. Just because I
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give you a nickname that is somewhat demeaning doesn't mean I don't like you. It actually means
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I do like you. And that leads me into point. Number two is that we live in a world that has been
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overly feminized. That if a man confronts another man, a woman looks at it and is like, Oh, we don't want
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that. We can't have that happen. Or society in general thinks that we're just pushing guys around
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and we're diminishing and dismissing each other. No, we're building camaraderie. We're calling each
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other up. We're poking at each other's vulnerabilities so that we can improve and get
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better. Even that word vulnerability has been bastardized. Be vulnerable, be vulnerable, be
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vulnerable. I don't want to be vulnerable. Okay. Vulnerability represents weakness. It's something
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that can be exploited. It's something that can be taken advantage of. I want to be honest.
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I want to be open in my communication about what's really going on in my life, but I don't
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want to be seen as weak. And so women and even men who have bought into the ideas of women's
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connection, which is different than the way men communicate and connect, by the way,
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we'll take that word vulnerability. Just be vulnerable. Just be vulnerable. Why,
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why should I just like spew all of my baggage onto you? Some will say that's not what vulnerability
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is. No, that's exactly what vulnerability is. Humility, honesty, on the other hand,
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is finding somebody that you can confide in, trust, somebody that you can work closely with,
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somebody who shares their struggles with you, their pain and their toil and their struggles,
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somebody you can do the same with, somebody who's successful and will call BS when you need it to be
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called. We're not going to feminize this. If we do, it's not going to work. And so if we're,
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look, ladies, I love you. I love you to death, but don't you dare for a second,
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tell me how I need to communicate and work with another man with regards to my son's baseball
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teams. I know that there's ladies, there's moms in there that probably cringe at some of the things
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I say and do, but you're not a man and you're not a boy and you'll never understand it. That is not
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an indictment against you. It just means you'll never understand it because you're not a man.
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You're not a boy. And so let the men do what men do. Let's stop feminizing every aspect of our
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culture. Let's embrace masculinity. Let's celebrate and honor the honorable, capable,
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bold, righteous men who are doing good on in their own right and then want to turn around and lend a
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helping hand to somebody in their corner or a son or a young man in their community and let the men
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do what men do. I have a lot of single women who will reach out to me because they're raising sons
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and ladies, I love you. I commend you. My mom raised me and my sister primarily on her own.
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She did a wonderful job. She's a beautiful, lovely woman, but there was something missing.
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And again, that's not an indictment on her. It's just, there was something missing. And you know,
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who filled that for me? Coaches, men, coaches who were never easy on me, who never were light on me,
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who would yell at me at times, who would have just the total look of disgust or, or even just
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disappointment. And I could see it. And I didn't want to disappoint those men. And I wanted to perform
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and I wanted to exceed. And I wanted to excel partly for my own sake and my team, but also for
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those men, men do it differently. We need to honor that. And the women need to step back from that role
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a little bit. And society needs to step back from that role. I saw an interesting video. It looked like
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a, a young family, a husband and a wife with a young child, maybe two, three years old was at a
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table and the boy, it was a boy, uh, fell off the chair and the boy was in the middle between the mom
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and what I assume was the mom and the dad. And he fell off the chair and clearly he was fine. I mean,
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the boy wasn't injured. He just fell off and lost his balance and he was fine. And the mom rushed over
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and the dad said, stop. You put his hand up. You could see, he's like, there's no audio on the video,
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but he's like, stop. Like let him get up. And he taps the chair for the boy to climb back up.
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And the boy starts climbing back up in the chair and the mom goes over to help him. He's like, no,
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he pushes it away. He's like, let the boy do it. And that's the difference. Ladies. I'm not telling
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you you're wrong at all. You're right. Nurturing, loving empathy, kindness, compassion, emotion,
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like beautiful. I love it. It's crucial. And also solves the role of men. And so guys,
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we need to find men in our corner and we need to stop over feminizing every aspect of our culture
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and allow us to be men. Third, a lot. And I don't, I don't agree with this one, but I bring it up
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because it is something that gets brought up quite often. And that is that there tends to be this
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idea that there's a lack of candidates when it comes to finding other high caliber men who are in
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your corner. And I put it on here because a lot of guys say that this is not, it's not true.
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It 100% is not true. I haven't found that to be the case. I have neighbors within 50 yards of my
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house who are incredible men who I've gone to lunch with and spent time with and broken bread with
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and had conversations about what goes well and what doesn't go well fit within 50 yards of my house.
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There's like four of them on this podcast at events. And some might say, well, you know,
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that's easy for you to say, Ryan, cause you have the podcast and you go to events. You can go to
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events. You can go to chamber of commerce. You can go to business luncheons. You can go to
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the gym. You can go to jujitsu. You can go to wherever these guys are. Like there's nothing
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prohibiting you from doing that. So I can't help, but believe that the guys who say, oh,
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there's no candidates in my area just aren't really trying either as hard as they should be
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or as intelligently as they should be. And I'll get into that in a minute, but get over the idea
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that there's nobody in your area who's thinks like you, uh, or wants to be successful. Like
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you, you're not an Island and you're not all that special. And I say that with all the love of my
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heart. Cause I'm directing that at myself too. I'm not all that special. Sometimes I act as if I am
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like I'm better than other people, or I have something figured out that others don't. I don't,
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I'm not better than anybody else. I'm not an Island and I'm not isolated.
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There are people within, like I said, 50 yards of me who are more wealthy, who are more connected,
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who are better family men, who are better fathers, who are better husbands, who are better people
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than I ever probably could be. So for us to say, oh, there's no good man. There's no guy I can
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connect with. That's just not true. There is. We just have to be deliberate and intentional about
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it. Okay. So we've talked about the issues as to why it's important that men find other men to
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bandwidth. We've talked about why men don't band with other men. Let's talk about five strategies.
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If you are interested in figuring out how I can connect with this band of brothers and build this
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out, what can I do? Number one, you have to be an initiator, right? Nobody's going to come to you.
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I told you there's guys within 50 yards of me, 50, a hundred yards of me. These guys aren't going to
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come to me and I don't expect them to. It's not their job. Would it be nice? Sure. Would I appreciate it?
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Absolutely. But that's not how the world works. And it's not their job. If I'm interested in
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connecting with these people for them to come to me and create the pathway to connection,
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guess whose job that is. That's my job. And so I have to look for ways and reasons to connect with.
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If you're new to an area, the perfect reason is I'm new to the area and it takes balls to do that.
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But if you want a band of brothers, this is what you'll do. So you knock on all the doors.
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Hey, my name's Joe. Just moved here a couple of weeks ago. Wanted to introduce myself to the
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neighbors, see what's going on. How's everything going? And let the conversation go from there.
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If you see a neighbor that needs some help, maybe they're pulling weeds or they're mowing their lawn
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or weed whacking or whatever. I remember this when we moved to Maine, our neighbor across the street,
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just North of us, I was out weed whacking this pretty steep slope of our yard. And I was weed
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whacking it with a weed whacker. And this guy comes over, his name's John. He was our neighbor.
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I didn't know him at the time he comes over and he didn't come over and say, Hey, can I help? What
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can I do to help? No, he came over with his weed whacker, fired up, ready to go. And he just got
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after it. And I looked at him and he looked at me and he just nodded his head and just kept going.
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We didn't even talk. We talked when it was done, but that was it. He just nodded. And I knew what
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that meant. Like I'm here to help you. I'm here to support you. And I nodded back, which means, Hey,
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I accept the help. I accept the support. And then we had a great conversation. We built a pretty good
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relationship over three to four years of being out there. That's a man who initiates. He doesn't ask
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for permission. He doesn't ask how he can help. He doesn't ask like what ways that he can connect.
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He just finds a way to do it. And then he does it. And that's how we need to be. How can you connect
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with the men in your neighborhood by knocking on their door? Maybe you're going to have a UFC fight
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night this weekend. I think there's fights this weekend. So you're going to have a UFC fight night
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this weekend, ring the dang doorbell and invite those guys over, call a handful of buddies, invite
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them over, go to the grocery store and spend a hundred bucks, maybe 150. Now with inflation,
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spend 150 bucks and, and you know, charcuterie board. Like I don't even know if I'm pronouncing that
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right. And I can't make it as beautiful as I know a lot of women listening to this can,
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but you can get meat and cheese and crackers and chips and salsa. I wouldn't do vegetables,
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but you can, if you want, if that's your thing, that's easy. Cost you 150 bucks. Cost you half an
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hour worth of making phone calls. And then the rest is you enjoy fights with friends. What a powerful
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way to do that. Jump online right now and say, Hey, you know, I'm into hiking or I'm into jujitsu.
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I'm into shooting. I'm into painting. I'm into this. I'm into that. I watched a,
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a Bob Ross documentary about a month or two ago and him and his team would conduct art classes
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around the country in certain communities. Those things are still exist. Now, Bob Ross is no longer
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with us to our detriment, but there's other people. If you're into painting, just type in painting in
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your hometown and you're going to find courses and classes and programs available. You like to cook,
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do that. You like to sew, do that. You like to hunt, do that. You like to fish, do that. You like
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to shoot firearms, do that. Like there there's things available is what I'm saying. There are
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things available. Go find them and initiate. Number two, you've got to do the right activities.
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Again, I already talked about this. We live in an overly feminized world. And so men aren't about
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to sit together and, you know, crochet a baby blankets for each other. Like that's just not
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something that's going to happen. I know that's an extreme example, but I think you get the point.
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We're not just going to sit there and talk. Are you interested in that? I'm not interested in that.
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Like, we're not going to sit there and, you know, hold hands and sing kumbaya to each other to try to
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make each other feel good about our poor decisions. Like I'm not into that. I'm repulsed by that.
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You know what I do like though? Fight nights. You know what I do like? Going shooting,
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training jujitsu, going to the gym. And it doesn't even have to be those so-called like
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manly activities. It could be painting, but as long as it's a directed and focused task,
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the whole issue, the whole goal is not to talk. That's the point I'm making. Like we're not getting
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together to talk. We're getting together to harness our collective energy and capability towards an
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outcome. And in the meantime, we're going to learn about each other. This is why men connect so well
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in war. It's really not about you as an individual or the guy standing next to you. It isn't as an
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individual. What is it about? It's about the mission and you're banded over the mission and
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through that mission and through the challenge and hardship and adversity and headache and struggle
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and death and toil, you learn about each other and you serve each other. This is how men communicate.
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I'm not going to sit around talking to my neighbors about how many kids do you have and what are their
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hobbies and activities and interests? And what are your biggest concerns with your kid? Like,
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this is just not what we do. Like that's so draining to me because that's not how we show up.
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Now, some of you might, if it works great, I'm just saying generally, I'd rather go shooting with
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a buddy. And in the meantime, I can dabble those questions in. Hey man, what's going on? Like you
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seem down. Everything good. Yeah. You know, me and my wife, we're having a struggle right now. It's
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been hard, but yeah. And then you shoot it for a few more rounds. So like, what are you and your
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wife struggling with? Oh, you know, we got into an argument last night because she thinks I buy
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too many guns and we're not able to pay off debt, whatever. I'm just making something up. But you
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see what I'm saying? Like you connect in the activity, in the mission, the exploration process
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happens as you're working collectively against a common enemy or towards a common pursuit.
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Uh, so it's gotta be the right activities. Number three is that you, this is a quick little
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pro tip right here. Always save one spot, always save one spot. And what I mean by that is that
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if you're going golfing this weekend, for example, you want to go golfing Saturday morning, eight,
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nine o'clock, you you've scheduled a foursome. You need to invite two friends. So there's you
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and then two other friends. So that makes three. And then you always have to save one spot and you
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save one spot for somebody that you've wanted to connect with, but you haven't been able to do that
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yet. Maybe it's somebody in your neighborhood. Uh, maybe it's somebody you admire for business.
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Maybe it's somebody you're connected with on social media who happens to be in your area,
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but you always save one spot. Golfing is a great example. Hunting for me is a great example.
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I might have a hunt come up. In fact, I do in the fall. I've got four or five hunts this year,
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but I have one coming up in the fall where we have six spots available. Four of those I can
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connect with friends. So four and then me, that's five, that six spot that's reserved for somebody
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hunting as an, uh, excuse me. I just said hunting, but Hawaii, we've got Hawaii coming up next month.
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I think we had six spots available. It's me and four close friends. One of those is my son. So
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closer than a friend. Uh, and then two other spots, one for two other guys that some friends
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and I have wanted to connect with Eric Chester, uh, with, um, hush and also Seth Studley with
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anatomy of marriage. Two guys we've kind of know dancing around on the fringes a little bit. We know
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them. We connect with them. If we call, they'd answer, we'd have conversations, but we want to
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get to know better. So we always save those spots for somebody we want to invite into the circle.
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And that doesn't mean they're there forever. It just means, Hey, I want to get to know you more.
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I want to connect more with you. I want to learn more about you. Maybe this develops into a deeper
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friendship. Maybe not, but here's a good way to do it. So always save one spot. Uh, number four,
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you should always, always be in the networking mood or mindset. I should say always in that networking
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mindset. I had a guy asked me cause we're talking about this in our exclusive brotherhood, the iron
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council, which is closed right now. But if you want to learn more about it, go to order a man.com
00:21:14.860
slash iron council. Regardless, he was asking about the percentage of time that he should spend
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networking. And the answer to that is 100% of the time there's no, Hey, 20% of your time should be
00:21:27.460
spent networking or two hours per day should be spent networking. No, every day, all day, you should be
00:21:34.000
looking at forming connections. Now that sounds exhausting to somebody who's never done it.
00:21:38.620
And it also sounds exhausting. If you have a motive, if your motive is I need to be finding
00:21:44.480
guys who can serve me and I can get the most out of, and I can learn things from them and I can just
00:21:48.800
extract a value that's going to be exhausting. If on the other hand, you approach networking with the
00:21:54.720
heart of service, I want to add value to these people's lives. I want to be well connected so I can
00:21:59.420
introduce people to each other. I want to help each other out. If you approach it that way,
00:22:04.380
it's not exhausting at all. In fact, if anything, it's energizing because you're the one making the
00:22:08.960
connections, you're the one serving, you're the one adding value. You're the one creating solutions
00:22:12.640
to people's problems by formulating these connections. That's a cool thing. It's a really
00:22:17.740
cool thing. It's a very fulfilling thing. And you may never get anything out of return in return for
00:22:22.460
the work that you do. That's not why you do it. Again, if you're doing it to get something out of it,
00:22:27.880
it's exhausting. But if you're doing it purely because it's the right thing to do and because
00:22:31.500
you want to be of service, it's not exhausting at all. So go out there, network, connect, find ways
00:22:38.220
to meet people, find ways to add value, learn to tell jokes, learn to communicate, learn to lighten up,
00:22:43.700
learn like whatever you need to learn to make connections, do that. And then the last one here,
00:22:48.620
guys, is just being hyper consistent, just being hyper consistent. I promise you that if you implement
00:22:55.780
what I'm telling you and you do that day in and day out for the next month, for the next six months,
00:23:01.520
for the next year, for the three years, for the 10 years, like you're going to be so well connected.
00:23:06.160
I've been doing order of man now for a little over eight years. Is that right? Yeah. About eight and a
00:23:12.720
half years. I'm so well connected. And I'm not saying that to brag. I'm saying that because this is
00:23:18.440
what I've done. I've initiated conversations. I've initiated friendships. I've saved one spot.
00:23:26.240
I've done the right activities. I'm always networking. And then I'm hyper, hyper consistent
00:23:31.460
towards that work, not towards an outcome, but towards the work. The outcome will take care of
00:23:36.940
itself, but I need to do the work in order to produce that inevitable outcome. Guys, I don't want
00:23:42.080
you to be alone. I don't want you to be isolated. Bad things happen. My mom used to say, idle hands are the
00:23:47.860
devil's workshop. I think that's true. I would also say that idle minds are the devil's workshop as
00:23:52.940
well. Reminds me of a water boy, Bobby Boucher. Everything is the devil. Guys, isolation is bad
00:24:03.580
for you. Being a lone wolf is bad for you. It's bad for your mental health. It's bad for your emotional
00:24:11.040
health. It's bad for your own personal development. It's not good. And I'm taking a hard line stance on
00:24:17.700
that. Some people say, I'm better off alone. That's a bit, that's the, those are the words
00:24:21.620
of a bitter person. You've been burned. You've been hurt. That happens when we interact personally
00:24:26.760
with people. That's an isolated experience. It's an isolated event. I know sometimes people can be
00:24:33.700
hard to trust. I know sometimes people let us down, but ultimately I believe most people are good
00:24:38.520
and most people want to help. And most people want you to win. And most people want to be fulfilled.
00:24:44.700
And most people want to do it with other people. I hope that helps. I hope that serves you. If you're
00:24:50.700
feeling lonely, isolated, depressed, anxious, even suicidal, don't think you're alone. You're not
00:24:57.620
alone. There's people out there who want to serve and help and add value to your lives. And you should
00:25:02.300
want to do that with, for other people as well. So let me know if you have a thoughts, comments,
00:25:06.880
ideas, questions, concerns, critique, whatever, just let me know. Make sure you subscribe, check
00:25:13.140
out the podcast or the podcast. You are listening to the podcast. Check out the iron council. That's
00:25:18.980
our exclusive brotherhood. If you're feeling alone, it's a great way to connect with other
00:25:21.820
like-minded men at order of man.com slash iron council. All right, guys, we'll be back next week.
00:25:27.740
Until then, go out there, take action. Let's all become the men we are meant to be.
00:25:31.360
Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life
00:25:36.100
and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.