Order of Man - November 22, 2024


Why So Mad？ ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

Topics
disengaging from heated conversations integrity gap integrity clutter eliminate the agitators expectations internal locus of control anger regulation
Hosted by
Ryan Michler
Mentioned
Ryan Mickler Sathya Sam Trump Biden
Being the Mean Dad, Networking for Work, and Dealing with Difficult Conversations ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING SATHIYA SAM ｜ How Porn Destroys Masculinity

Episode Stats


Length

34 minutes

Words per minute

181.98

Word count

6,210

Sentence count

425

Harmful content

Misogyny

5

sentences flagged

Toxicity

22

sentences flagged

Hate speech

6

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

As a man, I think it s safe to assume that every single one of us have experienced anger and rage at some point in our lives. At least it has for me and the other men that I ve talked to. The integrity gap is the distance between what we know we ought to be doing and what we re actually doing. And when there s a discrepancy, it stirs up agitation with us. It stirs a sense of inferiority, a lack of self-confidence, insecurity, and impatience. It s crucial that we learn how to overcome our anger issues if we have any hope of leading ourselves well and leading the people that we have responsibility for.

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 The integrity gap is the distance between what we know we ought to be doing and what
00:00:05.640 we're actually doing.
00:00:07.000 And when there's a discrepancy, it stirs up agitation with us.
00:00:11.120 It stirs up a sense of inferiority, a sense of a lack of self-confidence, insecurity,
00:00:19.600 certainly, impatience, and a short fuse.
00:00:24.780 At least it has for me and the other men that I've talked with, the thousands and thousands
00:00:28.440 of other men that I've talked with.
00:00:30.000 You're a man of action.
00:00:33.060 You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart your own path.
00:00:37.220 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.
00:00:41.940 You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong.
00:00:47.000 This is your life.
00:00:48.080 This is who you are.
00:00:49.480 This is who you will become.
00:00:51.220 At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.
00:00:56.160 As a man, I think it's safe to assume that every single one of us has experienced anger
00:01:02.980 and rage at some point in our lives.
00:01:05.540 A lot of this comes from our internal belief system and how we respond to our emotions.
00:01:10.920 A lot of it, frankly, are due to factors beyond our control.
00:01:14.980 But what I want to tell you is that it's crucial that each and every one of us learn how to overcome
00:01:19.260 our anger issues if we have any hope of leading ourselves well and leading the people that we have
00:01:25.740 responsibility for well, I don't think and I never have believed that the emotion of anger is the problem.
00:01:34.260 There are things in this world and things that you're confronted with that you ought to be angry about.
00:01:39.820 So the emotion is never the problem.
00:01:42.260 Your response to the emotion could potentially be a problem.
00:01:46.740 So today, what I'm going to share with you are six key steps that you can incorporate in your life,
00:01:51.620 some of them tactical, some of them strategic, so that you don't let your anger get the better of you.
00:01:57.720 And you can actually use your anger for positive outcomes.
00:02:02.100 Now, before I get into that, I do want to share if you are looking for more in-depth conversations like this,
00:02:07.720 I would highly encourage you to join our exclusive brotherhood.
00:02:11.140 It's called the Iron Council.
00:02:12.980 We're talking about issues like this.
00:02:14.920 We're confronting these issues and these struggles head on.
00:02:18.640 We're holding each other accountable.
00:02:20.160 We're challenging and pushing and motivating and inspiring each other.
00:02:23.740 We're going to be opening up in mid-December.
00:02:25.920 So the next two or three weeks, we're opening back up and you will not want to miss this enrollment,
00:02:30.260 especially if you're looking for a good 2025.
00:02:33.740 So if you're interested in it, head to orderofman.com slash ironcouncil
00:02:37.700 and you can join the waiting list and you will get an email.
00:02:41.080 You'll be the first to get an email when we open up December 15th.
00:02:45.400 All right, guys, let's jump into this.
00:02:46.780 Obviously, again, we're talking about anger and we know the importance.
00:02:50.160 At least I hope you know the importance of responding positively.
00:02:53.480 And I'm not going to get into a diatribe about that right now because I want to get into these tactics.
00:02:57.780 And as I do and the strategies, I think if you don't already know, and I imagine you do,
00:03:03.880 but if you don't already know, you'll begin to understand why controlling our response to anger,
00:03:09.800 not the anger itself, but our response to anger is the most appropriate course of action.
00:03:13.700 Number one, guys, when you feel fired up, and if you're anything like me, you know, when you're getting angry,
00:03:19.440 you know, when you're getting upset, you know, when you're mad, you know, when you're going to lash out verbally, physically, maybe even.
00:03:29.080 And what I would suggest to you from a tactical perspective, because I'm going to give you three tactics and three strategies.
00:03:34.600 So we'll talk about the tactics first, because the first thing I want you to keep in mind is we can't make the problems worse.
00:03:41.820 That's the very first thing.
00:03:43.280 It's a lot like a sinking boat.
00:03:46.220 You can shove a water off of that sinking boat and do everything you can.
00:03:49.460 But until you plug that hole, it really doesn't matter how quickly or how fast you can shove a water out of there,
00:03:54.780 because at some point the boat is going to sink.
00:03:57.100 So I'm going to share with you the tactics first so we can address the problems,
00:04:01.820 because you might be tempted to get angry with your wife tonight or angry with one of your children
00:04:06.940 or angry with your boss or your clients or whoever it might be.
00:04:10.340 And we got to stop that first, and then I'll get into the strategy.
00:04:13.000 So number one, guys, when you feel the temperature rising and you feel your blood boiling,
00:04:18.020 and we've all been there, just excuse yourself.
00:04:21.880 It's okay to excuse yourself.
00:04:23.540 In fact, it's okay to actually communicate to other people that you're angry.
00:04:29.780 So if you're getting into a heated conversation with your wife, you might say,
00:04:33.660 Hey, babe, look, I feel my blood rising.
00:04:37.200 My temperature is going up.
00:04:38.660 My blood is boiling.
00:04:40.300 I'm angry right now based on some things that we're saying.
00:04:42.980 I don't want to feel this way, and I don't want to lash out.
00:04:45.140 So I'm going to hit the pause button, timeout.
00:04:48.780 We're going to come back.
00:04:49.760 We're going to revisit this.
00:04:50.720 And by the way, you do have to revisit it.
00:04:52.060 We're going to revisit it when I'm able to regulate myself.
00:04:55.400 I think a lot of the times we as men believe that that might undermine our ability to lead
00:05:00.120 effectively, that you're weak or something like that because you have to disengage from
00:05:05.240 the conversation.
00:05:05.920 I actually think it takes a lot of courage and strength to disengage from a conversation
00:05:11.920 and decide that you're not going to be ruled by your emotions.
00:05:14.820 So if you're having that conversation with her and it's getting heated and you're talking
00:05:19.200 about money or intimacy or whatever it might be or her behavior, I don't know what it is.
00:05:25.040 It's very easy just to say, Hey, babe, look, I'm going to disengage from this conversation.
00:05:31.140 It's not that I don't respect you.
00:05:32.540 Not that I don't love you.
00:05:33.460 Not that I don't want to have this conversation.
00:05:34.920 It's that I don't want to say things or do things that I will regret later because once
00:05:41.000 I say or do things, I can never take those back.
00:05:45.140 So I'm going to disengage for an hour.
00:05:48.420 I'm going to go for a quick drive or, you know, I'm going to go outside and mow the lawn
00:05:52.640 or shovel snow or do something.
00:05:55.000 And then we can come back and get into this thing.
00:05:58.160 And by the way, I would do the same thing with a client.
00:06:00.220 I would do the same thing with your children, with a boss.
00:06:04.400 You can use this tactic in every single scenario.
00:06:08.560 Every time you notice your blood boiling, the key to this is making sure that you're communicating
00:06:14.380 it.
00:06:15.200 You can't just leave.
00:06:17.180 You can't just bail.
00:06:18.740 You can't just run away because that looks like weakness to other people.
00:06:23.220 It looks like you're cowering.
00:06:24.400 It looks like you're fleeing.
00:06:25.780 It looks like you're running away. 0.91
00:06:26.840 It looks like you're being cowardly or weak about being confronted with something and 0.60
00:06:32.400 you're not.
00:06:33.480 So we don't want to engage in behavior that undermines our ability to lead our families
00:06:40.400 and other people effectively.
00:06:42.840 We want to engage in behavior that allows us to have the authority and the influence and
00:06:48.400 the credibility with the people that we care about.
00:06:50.140 And very simply, hey, listen, you're upset.
00:06:54.740 I'm upset.
00:06:56.040 I can feel the blood boiling.
00:06:58.420 I'm going to disengage for an hour.
00:07:01.320 I'm going to go for a drive.
00:07:02.640 I'm going to go for a walk.
00:07:03.660 I'm going to go shovel snow.
00:07:04.720 I'm going to go mow the lawn.
00:07:05.600 And then we'll reconvene in an hour when both of us have brought the temperatures down.
00:07:10.720 It's a very easy strategy.
00:07:13.580 It's going to get you out of all sorts of trouble.
00:07:15.880 I promise you.
00:07:17.240 When's the last time you got angry with somebody and you communicated that anger in an inappropriate
00:07:25.500 way and it was actually productive for you?
00:07:27.800 Of course it wasn't.
00:07:28.700 So just disengage.
00:07:30.520 Pump the brakes.
00:07:31.680 Time out.
00:07:32.480 Back up.
00:07:33.340 And then you can come back into it later.
00:07:34.660 And we'll get more into some strategy there.
00:07:37.480 Number two.
00:07:39.160 Guys, you've got to bridge the integrity gap.
00:07:41.540 I've been talking about the integrity gap for 9, 10 years now.
00:07:44.780 The integrity gap is the distance between what we know we ought to be doing and what we're
00:07:51.260 actually doing.
00:07:52.100 And when there's a discrepancy between, again, what we know we should be doing and what we're
00:07:58.280 actually doing, it stirs up agitation with us.
00:08:02.880 It stirs up a sense of inferiority, a sense of a lack of self-confidence, insecurities, certainly,
00:08:14.800 impatience, and a short fuse.
00:08:19.540 At least it has for me and the other men that I've talked with, the thousands and thousands
00:08:23.740 of other men that I've talked with.
00:08:26.420 It is a necessity that you bridge the gap.
00:08:31.680 So if, for example, you went to work this morning at 8, 9 o'clock, and instead of being 1.00
00:08:39.000 diligent and effective with the work that you needed to do, you got sidetracked by stupid 0.98
00:08:45.280 conversations at work, you spent too much time sitting on the toilet, scrolling through 0.99
00:08:50.240 social media when you should have been doing that report, you didn't make the phone calls
00:08:54.320 you needed to make.
00:08:55.260 Instead of taking a 45-minute break for lunch, you took an hour and a half for lunch.
00:09:02.480 At the end of the day, you know in your heart of hearts and maybe even subconsciously that
00:09:06.920 you were not as productive as you could have been.
00:09:08.760 And what happens in that case is that when you get home or you get into other activities,
00:09:15.060 that sense of insecurity bleeds over into other aspects of your life.
00:09:22.600 So if your wife, when you walk through the door and your wife says, hey, babe, look, I've 0.80
00:09:26.220 had a long day.
00:09:27.740 You know, can you just take the kids for a walk or go play on the playground with them
00:09:31.040 or take them to the park for half an hour, 45 minutes, an hour, whatever it may be while
00:09:34.540 I make dinner?
00:09:35.000 If you have not done your work effectively, you're going to be frustrated with that.
00:09:43.140 And what's going to end up happening is you're going to lash out at her.
00:09:46.640 Oh my gosh, I just got, I walked in the door.
00:09:48.460 I just walked in the door and you're already like telling me to do things.
00:09:50.860 And why can't I have a minute and everything else?
00:09:53.420 And it has nothing to do with your love for her or your desire to spend time with your kids.
00:10:01.240 It has to do with the fact that you are so guilty.
00:10:04.180 You have a guilty conscience about what you should have been doing at work that you allowed
00:10:09.820 it to spill over into spending time with your kids and giving your wife a little bit of reprieve
00:10:14.740 that she may have needed because her day was just as hard or just as demanding, although
00:10:20.280 maybe different than yours.
00:10:21.740 But if you got all of your work done and you busted your tail and you did all the work
00:10:28.520 that you were required to do and you, maybe you didn't get everything done, but you're
00:10:32.360 on pace and you're on track and you just had a great day.
00:10:35.840 When you get home and your wife's like, Hey, hon, I've had a rough day. 1.00
00:10:39.420 Can you take the kids at the park for 45 minutes?
00:10:41.660 I'm going to make you guys dinner, but I just need to listen to some music or just be in silence
00:10:46.320 or whatever it might be.
00:10:48.040 If you just kicked a at work, you're good with that. 0.73
00:10:51.380 You have no issue with that whatsoever because the integrity gap is narrow, if not non-existent.
00:10:59.660 Do what you're say you're going to do or don't say you're going to do it.
00:11:03.500 And I promise you, the more integrity that you have in your life and integrity is just
00:11:09.500 simply aligning your thoughts and beliefs with your actions.
00:11:12.780 That's all integrity is.
00:11:13.820 There's no morality to it necessarily.
00:11:16.480 If I'm an evil human being and I believe evil and I do evil, I'm still in integrity.
00:11:20.780 There's no morality to it.
00:11:22.540 Integrity is just aligning your beliefs and your thoughts with your actions.
00:11:27.080 And when you have integrity, your propensity for anger and frustration and lashing out
00:11:34.760 at other people is greatly diminished.
00:11:36.720 So be in integrity.
00:11:38.720 Get up on time.
00:11:40.340 Don't hit the snooze button.
00:11:42.180 Go get your workout in.
00:11:43.760 Do your morning routine.
00:11:45.820 Get to work.
00:11:47.140 Be focused.
00:11:48.620 Have planned your daily work the night before so you can get in the office and get right
00:11:52.360 to it.
00:11:53.220 Take the appropriate breaks that you need to be productive.
00:11:56.200 And just get it done to the best of your ability so that when you come home, you are
00:12:01.960 fully engaged with your wife.
00:12:03.460 You're fully engaged with your kids.
00:12:05.020 You're fully engaged with your buddies or your extracurricular activities.
00:12:08.440 And you can be fully present in those things.
00:12:10.780 All right.
00:12:11.300 Number three, guys, we have to eliminate the agitators.
00:12:14.800 All right.
00:12:15.100 There are things that just agitate me.
00:12:17.420 They just piss me off.
00:12:20.020 And one of those things, as trivial as it may sound, is that my 16 and 13-year-old kids,
00:12:26.200 they love to listen to new rap.
00:12:30.060 I hate it. 0.98
00:12:32.160 I despise it. 0.99
00:12:33.860 I think it's gross. 0.98
00:12:35.720 It's obnoxious. 0.99
00:12:37.540 I think it's low-talent bullcrap. 0.95
00:12:40.940 And I just do not have the attitude for it. 0.65
00:12:44.740 And maybe that's because I'm becoming an old man or whatever.
00:12:47.200 I noticed when I was trimming up the beard today, there was a little bit more gray on
00:12:52.140 this side than I've seen in the past.
00:12:53.860 And so I might be just getting old. 0.86
00:12:55.860 But I'm not interested in being agitated by bullcrap.
00:12:59.500 And in this case, it's music.
00:13:03.060 But it's a lot of other things as well.
00:13:04.680 It's chaos.
00:13:06.660 It's just everybody just running around being noisy and being obnoxious and not having systems
00:13:11.040 and not having effective ways of having a family dinner together or what my kids are
00:13:19.120 going to be doing or who's going to where and she's going to dance and he's going to lacrosse
00:13:23.060 and he's going to soccer and he's going to basketball.
00:13:25.620 And there's just chaos.
00:13:27.380 And it consumes me and it pisses me off.
00:13:30.200 You can hear it in my voice.
00:13:31.380 I'm already, I can hear my blood boiling.
00:13:33.340 Maybe I ought to take a step back.
00:13:35.660 Clutter is another one.
00:13:37.860 You know, I cleaned off my desk before I did this podcast because I don't want stuff on my
00:13:42.320 desk.
00:13:42.680 I don't want trash.
00:13:44.240 I don't want tasks that are left undone.
00:13:47.560 I don't want bills sitting there piling up because I see the bills piling up and that
00:13:51.480 agitates me.
00:13:52.480 I don't want left things left undone and I don't want clutter and crap everywhere.
00:13:57.320 I want a clean, orderly place in which I can operate.
00:14:01.880 When I go to the gym, even this morning, it was so busy at the gym that I could not do
00:14:07.840 my scheduled workout in the order that I wanted to do it.
00:14:12.720 And I can't control other people.
00:14:14.740 And I'm not upset that those people are there working out.
00:14:17.800 That's beyond my control.
00:14:18.980 We'll talk about that in a minute.
00:14:20.340 But I am considering going to the gym an hour earlier in the morning precisely because I
00:14:26.980 don't want to deal with that.
00:14:28.260 I don't want to deal with the noise and the chaos.
00:14:31.080 I want to have a system.
00:14:32.440 I want to have structure.
00:14:33.600 I want to have stability.
00:14:36.560 And the more that I can eliminate in my life, the better.
00:14:39.000 I was going through my closet and I've got all these shirts and things and boots and
00:14:43.440 other stuff that I don't wear.
00:14:45.440 I don't use.
00:14:46.880 I'll never wear.
00:14:47.880 I'll never use in my life.
00:14:49.120 And I went through and just did a deep cleanse of my closet today.
00:14:54.560 It felt really good.
00:14:56.840 It sounds weird, but it was liberating to get rid of all the crap that I'm never going
00:15:00.460 to use because as the saying goes, what you own owns you.
00:15:05.140 And the more that I eliminate that stuff, the better off I am.
00:15:09.280 A couple other things.
00:15:10.580 Toxicity.
00:15:12.500 If there's people in your life who are toxic or who are always complaining about everything
00:15:18.240 and anything, or they're bringing drama into your life, you have to purge that.
00:15:25.180 And if it's somebody that you care about, I think you need to set up some boundaries.
00:15:29.460 You know, you can't purge that person maybe from your life, but you might tell somebody,
00:15:33.520 hey, look, I want to have a relationship with you.
00:15:37.220 You're a buddy of mine.
00:15:38.040 You're a friend of mine.
00:15:38.720 We go hunting together.
00:15:39.620 We do this or that, or we're business partners, or you're my wife or my kids or whatever.
00:15:44.640 But I don't want to do it this way.
00:15:47.020 And when you bring this toxicity into the relationship, it spills over into the way that I show up and
00:15:52.260 it spills over and creates a barrier and a hedge between us.
00:15:56.420 And I don't want that.
00:15:57.600 Again, I say this, it sounds so weird, but as a man who's getting older, I want simplicity.
00:16:06.280 I want order.
00:16:08.660 I want fewer things in my life so that I can actually have joy and peace and clarity and
00:16:17.200 calmness and not chaos.
00:16:19.140 I'm not interested in that.
00:16:21.300 All right, number three.
00:16:22.060 Again, this is a tactic.
00:16:23.560 This is the last tactic that I'm going to share with you.
00:16:25.480 And then we're going to move into strategy.
00:16:27.320 So number three is, excuse me, we already talked about number three, that's eliminate
00:16:31.780 the agitators.
00:16:32.440 So number four, we're getting into strategy now is to lower your expectations of other
00:16:39.080 people, not your standards.
00:16:42.140 If you're in the dating space, I'm not saying lower your standards.
00:16:45.520 If you're expecting your kids to perform, I'm not saying lower your standards or the family
00:16:49.380 standards.
00:16:49.920 It's not what I'm saying.
00:16:51.260 What I'm saying is to lower your expectations of people.
00:16:54.120 We place all sorts of unnecessary expectations on other people based on our own personal
00:17:01.080 values and our own personal beliefs.
00:17:02.860 And not only is it not fair, it just sets us up for being frustrated and contentious and
00:17:08.640 having animosity.
00:17:09.640 The quote that comes to mind is that faulty expectations are the thief of joy.
00:17:15.480 I'm not interested in robbing joy from my life.
00:17:20.940 And when I believe that people are going to show up a certain way without ever communicating
00:17:25.640 that to that person or them communicating that with me, that's a faulty expectation that I
00:17:30.900 have of other people.
00:17:32.220 And it's not good.
00:17:34.200 I remember I've spent a lot of time coaching my children.
00:17:38.900 And I remember certain instances where I had this high expectation of six, seven, eight
00:17:45.620 year olds to play flag football or to play T-ball.
00:17:48.840 And I had this really weird, faulty expectation of the way they showed up.
00:17:53.900 And then they didn't do what I thought they should do or what I coached them to do.
00:17:57.360 And then I would be pissed off.
00:18:00.400 So their performance would dictate the way that I showed up.
00:18:05.780 I'm not interested in having other people dictate my own sanity, my own wellbeing, my
00:18:12.180 own, my own emotional health.
00:18:16.100 So instead I've learned to let go of the expectations.
00:18:19.860 I'm going to do everything that I can do in this case to coach kids or to be an engaged
00:18:24.700 supporter of the woman that I'm dating or to be there and nurturing and supportive and
00:18:30.720 disciplined with my children.
00:18:32.240 And then I just have to let the chips fall where they may.
00:18:34.800 Now, look, there are certain expectations that you should have with people, but the difference
00:18:39.320 is that they need to be communicated and articulated and agreed upon.
00:18:44.140 So if I have a new employee, for example, I'm not suggesting to you that you just lower your
00:18:49.320 expectations and let that employee run roughshod all over your business and burn it to the
00:18:53.500 ground, in that case, what I would suggest is these are the communicated expectations.
00:18:59.060 And if you can't uphold those expectations, I'm not going to be angry, but I'm not going
00:19:02.380 to have you work here.
00:19:05.960 But there are other areas where you see people in life, whether it's driving down the road 1.00
00:19:10.540 and some idiot cuts in front of you or, you know, doesn't turn on a signal or is driving 0.99
00:19:16.400 down the freeway in the left lane. 1.00
00:19:18.160 Like we get mad about those things.
00:19:19.940 And I do too.
00:19:20.420 I'm not saying I'm above that, but what has served me best when I'm at my best, which
00:19:25.940 is not always, but when I'm at, I am at my best, it's when I'm not expecting people to
00:19:31.200 do what I think they should do.
00:19:33.220 It'd be nice, but they're not always going to do it.
00:19:36.360 We don't have control over that.
00:19:37.500 We're going to talk about that here in a second, but lower your expectations, not your standards.
00:19:43.860 Standards would be an employee.
00:19:45.020 Hey, I have a standard for the way that you show up.
00:19:47.040 Standard would be your wife. 1.00
00:19:48.120 I have a standard for the way I'm going to be communicated with a standard would be with
00:19:51.800 your kids.
00:19:52.580 Hey, I have a standard for the way that we operate in this household by doing chores and
00:19:56.600 be respectful to each other, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
00:19:59.880 Expectations are things beyond your control where people should do this or ought to do that
00:20:04.880 or be this way or do X, Y, and Z.
00:20:09.220 It's none of your business, none of your concern.
00:20:11.560 Let it go, focus on what you can control, which brings us to point number five, focusing
00:20:18.300 on an internal locus of control.
00:20:21.560 I pulled this up as I was preparing for this conversation.
00:20:24.360 Here's the quote.
00:20:25.120 Internal locus of control is the belief that a person's actions and efforts are the primary
00:20:33.220 factors that influence their life's outcomes.
00:20:37.400 I'll say it one more time.
00:20:39.980 Internal locus of control is the belief that a person's actions and efforts are the primary
00:20:45.920 factors that influence their life outcomes.
00:20:51.720 We have internal locus of control and we have external locus of control.
00:20:56.260 External is the guy who's driving down the road.
00:20:58.640 He's going 10 miles under the speed limit and he's holding everybody up because he's in
00:21:03.440 the left lane when he ought to be in the right lane.
00:21:05.540 That's external, nothing you can do about you can honk and you can, you know, pull right
00:21:13.040 up to them and, uh, you can flip them off.
00:21:16.680 You can do all the things.
00:21:17.680 And at the end of the day, it is not within your control.
00:21:21.940 The way that your sister-in-law is showing up and treating the rest of your family and behaving 1.00
00:21:31.400 at Thanksgiving dinner is not within your control.
00:21:35.700 The mistakes and the choices that your brother is making in his life, although you want him
00:21:40.720 to make good decisions and you're going to try to serve and help and lead that brother
00:21:44.760 of yours, that's outside of your control.
00:21:49.180 The fact that your boss is running his business into the ground and not doing it the way that
00:21:53.340 you would do it is beyond your control.
00:21:57.400 What Trump is or isn't doing and what Biden is, isn't doing is beyond your control.
00:22:02.000 I'm not saying you don't have influence, you do to some degree, but it's beyond your control.
00:22:06.340 So you can be involved to the degree that you can, but you ultimately have to realize,
00:22:09.780 I don't have much say over this.
00:22:12.580 And where we ought to spend the bulk of our time, if we're using the principle of the Pareto
00:22:16.640 principle, which says that 80% of our results come from 20% of our efforts, then we ought to
00:22:21.420 spend the 20% of time, which is usually us.
00:22:24.720 That's where we usually spend 20% on us, 80% of other people.
00:22:27.860 What I would suggest is that you flip it.
00:22:31.060 20% on external circumstances, 80% on you.
00:22:34.660 Did you go to the gym today?
00:22:35.900 You're worried about the president.
00:22:37.120 Did you go to the gym today?
00:22:39.780 You're worried about how your brother is showing up or how your sister-in-law is behaving or
00:22:44.440 whatever on Thanksgiving, but did you treat your family right this morning when you woke up?
00:22:49.080 You're worried about the guy who's 50, 60, 80, 100 pounds overweight, and you see him and
00:22:55.160 you make fun of him every time you drive by him or you see him and you pass him in the
00:22:58.740 hall at work.
00:22:59.540 But did you wake up on time and go to the gym?
00:23:04.020 All of us are so focused on what other people are doing that we forget that we have to focus
00:23:09.140 on ourselves.
00:23:09.820 And I realize this might be a bit ironic as I sit here on this podcast and tell you what
00:23:14.380 would be good for you to do.
00:23:15.620 The difference is, is you're here for a reason.
00:23:18.880 You could always leave, right?
00:23:19.880 That's part of the difference.
00:23:21.240 But the other difference is that I realized that I don't have any control over you.
00:23:25.460 And I used to get very frustrated early on in this movement when I would tell people
00:23:29.380 to do things and I'd give them advice that I thought would serve them well, tell them
00:23:32.780 what worked for me, tell them what didn't work for me, and they wouldn't take it.
00:23:35.400 I get frustrated with them.
00:23:37.320 Why?
00:23:37.680 Why am I frustrated about somebody else's life?
00:23:41.860 The only person I should be frustrated with is myself.
00:23:45.680 The only person I should be proud of is myself.
00:23:49.580 Did I do what I said I was going to do?
00:23:51.580 Did I bridge that integrity gap?
00:23:54.260 Or did I fall short and I didn't follow through on my commitments and I didn't show up powerfully
00:23:58.400 and I was worrying about external things that were beyond my control?
00:24:01.380 80%, 90%, maybe even 99% of your time ought to be focused on the things that you can control.
00:24:09.020 Getting out of bed on time, planning your day the night before, going through a solid, healthy
00:24:15.180 morning routine, serving people along the way, going into work and getting your job done,
00:24:23.760 serving your clients, leading your family, coaching your kids, getting the exercise that
00:24:30.300 you need, getting the sleep that you need, avoiding vices in your life, dealing with your finances,
00:24:35.480 paying off debt, building investments, being smart, developing new skills.
00:24:40.720 80%, 90%, 90% of your time ought to be spent on that.
00:24:46.880 Because if you're going to be angry, and again, it's okay to be angry.
00:24:50.220 I want to be angry at the things I can control.
00:24:52.380 Because if I'm angry, isn't that God's or evolutionary evolution's way of telling us that something's
00:24:59.180 off? And so if I'm angry, I have to ask myself, what am I angry about? And why?
00:25:03.720 If it's beyond my control, I'll just continue to be angry in perpetuity.
00:25:09.820 But if it's something within my control, then I can fix it and not be so angry. Because instead of
00:25:14.740 being a slob or a lazy piece of garbage this morning, I can get up and I can actually do 0.99
00:25:20.960 something, like I said, I would. Focus on your internal locus control. And gentlemen, the last 1.00
00:25:26.300 thing right here, again, this is strategic. Strategic, excuse me, sounded weird the way I said
00:25:31.840 it. Strategic is to keep your eye on the prize. You have goals. You have dreams. You have ambitions.
00:25:42.540 You have desires. And most of them are righteous and worthy of investing in. Whether it's loving
00:25:54.800 your wife and building a family with her, or raising your kids to be productive members 0.89
00:26:01.060 of society, or to serve in your church congregation and help bring people closer to God, or to coach
00:26:08.100 your daughter's softball team, or your son's basketball team, or to establish good friendships
00:26:17.540 where you guys go out and do hard things together and get better because you're together. You have
00:26:22.900 these goals. You have these dreams. You have these desires. And what I would suggest to you in moments
00:26:26.760 of weakness where we're tempted to get angry and to lash out is that we ask ourselves, what is the best
00:26:34.480 course of action to produce the result that I desire? So, or let me give you a couple examples.
00:26:42.760 If you're thinking to yourself, well, I just want to be more intimate with my wife. Is complaining 0.99
00:26:48.220 and whining or belittling her or yelling at her or making her feel stupid going to help you be more 1.00
00:26:56.800 intimate with your wife? Probably not. Is being supportive and edifying and uplifting and caring 1.00
00:27:05.640 and empathetic towards what she's going through going to help you get more of what you want,
00:27:11.300 that intimacy? Yes. So how is anger, or at least the response to your anger, serving you?
00:27:19.400 If your kids are so terrified to come to you because they don't know if they're going to get the calm,
00:27:25.120 cool, collected dad, or they're going to get the irrational, emotional, agitated dad,
00:27:32.360 do we have any right to ask why they won't come to us when they're dealing with difficult things at
00:27:38.640 school or with girls or boys or whatever it might be? Of course not. My goal personally is to raise
00:27:45.320 self-sustaining adults. And when I get agitated, and I do, and my kids all the time, just like all of us,
00:27:50.720 I'm not saying I'm above being annoyed or bothered or pissed off about my kids. I am.
00:27:56.520 But my goal is to raise good little human beings
00:28:00.020 who know their place, who have dreams, who have desires, who want to serve themselves,
00:28:05.620 who want to serve their communities, who want to lead, who want to step up, who want to live a good life.
00:28:09.900 Being mad and agitated is not going to help me get them to that place.
00:28:14.760 If I want to maintain a relationship that I have with a client, the client's mad at me because I
00:28:22.360 made a mistake, is being mad and shifting blame on them and defending and just being a whiny little
00:28:27.980 baby going to help me maintain a relationship with a client? Or is accepting blame and saying,
00:28:36.160 this is my fault, and then fixing it to the degree that you can and encouraging them to stay
00:28:40.140 with you, to do business with you? Like, what is better towards your end goal and your end desire?
00:28:47.100 And this suggests that we do need to have goals and desires. We talk about it in the Iron Council
00:28:53.260 as a vision. You don't need to have a vision for your life. If you don't have a vision for the way
00:28:57.680 your relationship looks or the way your kids between you as them being your children and you
00:29:02.920 being their father looks, if you don't have a vision for the way that you show up for your clients
00:29:06.680 or for your community members or your friends or for God, if you don't have a vision of that,
00:29:12.300 what are you measuring against? And of course, you're tossed to and fro. And of course, all the
00:29:17.020 agitators of life are going to get to you more than they would with somebody with a vision.
00:29:21.820 Somebody who has their eye on the prize. This is what I want. Is the way that I'm behaving right
00:29:26.960 now moving me towards that goal or moving me further away? And when I, not when I'm angry,
00:29:34.060 that's not the problem. Anger is the emotion is never the problem, guys. It's the response to it.
00:29:39.540 So if I'm responding negatively or in a toxic way to the emotion that I'm experiencing,
00:29:44.360 is that helping me make more money for my family? Is that helping me serve the people I want to serve?
00:29:50.580 Is that helping me build an intimate relationship with my significant other? Is it helping me lead my
00:29:55.180 kids? Or is it driving a wedge between me and my kids? Or is it killing intimacy between me and my
00:30:02.820 wife? Or is it causing me not to have people who are attracted to me and want to do business with me?
00:30:07.800 Or is it hindering and hampering and limiting business opportunities and growth that could
00:30:12.920 otherwise be available if I choose to respond to my emotion of anger in a positive and constructive way?
00:30:20.100 I'll leave you with this. Anger is not a bad thing. It's actually a good thing. It's good that
00:30:27.460 you're angry. You should be angry about things, not everything. If it's everything, we got some
00:30:34.000 issues to work on. But if you're upset about some things, that's okay. That means you have values,
00:30:41.900 you have principles, you have things that you care about, things that you're interested in,
00:30:45.660 things that are important to you. If you're apathetic or indifferent to everything in life,
00:30:51.060 means you care about nothing. Nothing is relevant. Nothing is important. You can be angry. It's okay.
00:31:01.140 It's good. It's your body's way of telling you, you need to fix some things. You need to address some
00:31:09.640 things. But what we as men must do is regulate our response to the emotion that we're feeling.
00:31:17.140 If we're sad, I'm not going to blubber around and cry and make myself a babbling buffoon in front of
00:31:23.120 the people that I love the most. I have, and I know I will at some point in my life. I will continue
00:31:29.540 to do that, but I'm not trying to do that. I want to effectively communicate to people that I'm sad or
00:31:35.660 I'm upset or I had a hard day or I'm, you know, I had this loss and I'm feeling it. And our response is
00:31:42.860 everything. The way that we, you don't think people are watching you and they are.
00:31:48.740 Your kids are watching you. How do you respond to grandma passing away? How do you respond to a
00:31:56.080 hard day? How do you respond to somebody yelling at you and berating you?
00:32:03.500 Everybody's watching you. Your kids are watching you. Your significant other is watching you.
00:32:08.180 Your employer is watching you. Your clients are watching you. And our job as men is to moderate,
00:32:15.420 not eliminate. We could have those emotions, but to temper those emotions into productive
00:32:21.740 outcomes for ourselves and for other people. Recap real quick, and then we'll wrap this up.
00:32:27.060 Give yourself some space when you feel your blood boiling. Bridge that integrity gap, the difference
00:32:32.260 between what we know we should be doing and what we're actually doing. Number three, eliminate the
00:32:36.580 agitators in your life. Number four, lower your expectations, not your standards. Number five,
00:32:42.360 focus on an internal locus of control. And number six, keep your eye on the prize and do what's right
00:32:49.980 based on your long-term vision for your life and the life of those people that you have influence over.
00:32:55.580 All right, guys, if you want to go deeper into this stuff, you want to have good, powerful
00:32:58.920 conversations, or you want some accountability when you're getting angry and maybe you're frustrated and 0.90
00:33:04.440 you're agitated and you and your wife are arguing or debating and you're like, damn, I got to get 0.97
00:33:08.320 away. I got to move away from this. And you want somebody to call on the phone and say, hey, Ryan, 0.98
00:33:13.040 I'm pissed right now. I just need a little bit of a venting. I need a little bit of accountability.
00:33:18.280 I need some coaching. Iron Council is where it's at. Check it out. Orderman.com slash Iron Council.
00:33:24.780 All right, guys, that's all I've got for you today. We'll be back next week. We're talking with a good
00:33:28.660 friend of mine, Sathya Sam on pornography use and obviously specifically how to overcome
00:33:35.020 pornography use and addiction. You will not want to miss it. So subscribe, leave a rating and review,
00:33:40.320 connect with us at orderman.com slash Iron Council, or with me on Instagram at Ryan Mickler. Until then,
00:33:47.680 go out there, take action, get over the anger issues, and become a man you are meant to be.
00:33:53.360 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life
00:34:01.960 and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.