Why So Mad？ ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES
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Summary
As a man, I think it s safe to assume that every single one of us have experienced anger and rage at some point in our lives. At least it has for me and the other men that I ve talked to. The integrity gap is the distance between what we know we ought to be doing and what we re actually doing. And when there s a discrepancy, it stirs up agitation with us. It stirs a sense of inferiority, a lack of self-confidence, insecurity, and impatience. It s crucial that we learn how to overcome our anger issues if we have any hope of leading ourselves well and leading the people that we have responsibility for.
Transcript
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The integrity gap is the distance between what we know we ought to be doing and what
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And when there's a discrepancy, it stirs up agitation with us.
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It stirs up a sense of inferiority, a sense of a lack of self-confidence, insecurity,
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At least it has for me and the other men that I've talked with, the thousands and thousands
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You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart your own path.
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When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.
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You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong.
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At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.
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As a man, I think it's safe to assume that every single one of us has experienced anger
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A lot of this comes from our internal belief system and how we respond to our emotions.
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A lot of it, frankly, are due to factors beyond our control.
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But what I want to tell you is that it's crucial that each and every one of us learn how to overcome
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our anger issues if we have any hope of leading ourselves well and leading the people that we have
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responsibility for well, I don't think and I never have believed that the emotion of anger is the problem.
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There are things in this world and things that you're confronted with that you ought to be angry about.
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Your response to the emotion could potentially be a problem.
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So today, what I'm going to share with you are six key steps that you can incorporate in your life,
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some of them tactical, some of them strategic, so that you don't let your anger get the better of you.
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And you can actually use your anger for positive outcomes.
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Now, before I get into that, I do want to share if you are looking for more in-depth conversations like this,
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I would highly encourage you to join our exclusive brotherhood.
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We're confronting these issues and these struggles head on.
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We're challenging and pushing and motivating and inspiring each other.
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So the next two or three weeks, we're opening back up and you will not want to miss this enrollment,
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So if you're interested in it, head to orderofman.com slash ironcouncil
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and you can join the waiting list and you will get an email.
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You'll be the first to get an email when we open up December 15th.
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Obviously, again, we're talking about anger and we know the importance.
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At least I hope you know the importance of responding positively.
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And I'm not going to get into a diatribe about that right now because I want to get into these tactics.
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And as I do and the strategies, I think if you don't already know, and I imagine you do,
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but if you don't already know, you'll begin to understand why controlling our response to anger,
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not the anger itself, but our response to anger is the most appropriate course of action.
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Number one, guys, when you feel fired up, and if you're anything like me, you know, when you're getting angry,
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you know, when you're getting upset, you know, when you're mad, you know, when you're going to lash out verbally, physically, maybe even.
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And what I would suggest to you from a tactical perspective, because I'm going to give you three tactics and three strategies.
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So we'll talk about the tactics first, because the first thing I want you to keep in mind is we can't make the problems worse.
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You can shove a water off of that sinking boat and do everything you can.
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But until you plug that hole, it really doesn't matter how quickly or how fast you can shove a water out of there,
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because at some point the boat is going to sink.
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So I'm going to share with you the tactics first so we can address the problems,
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because you might be tempted to get angry with your wife tonight or angry with one of your children
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or angry with your boss or your clients or whoever it might be.
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And we got to stop that first, and then I'll get into the strategy.
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So number one, guys, when you feel the temperature rising and you feel your blood boiling,
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and we've all been there, just excuse yourself.
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In fact, it's okay to actually communicate to other people that you're angry.
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So if you're getting into a heated conversation with your wife, you might say,
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I'm angry right now based on some things that we're saying.
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I don't want to feel this way, and I don't want to lash out.
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We're going to revisit it when I'm able to regulate myself.
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I think a lot of the times we as men believe that that might undermine our ability to lead
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effectively, that you're weak or something like that because you have to disengage from
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I actually think it takes a lot of courage and strength to disengage from a conversation
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and decide that you're not going to be ruled by your emotions.
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So if you're having that conversation with her and it's getting heated and you're talking
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about money or intimacy or whatever it might be or her behavior, I don't know what it is.
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It's very easy just to say, Hey, babe, look, I'm going to disengage from this conversation.
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Not that I don't want to have this conversation.
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It's that I don't want to say things or do things that I will regret later because once
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I say or do things, I can never take those back.
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I'm going to go for a quick drive or, you know, I'm going to go outside and mow the lawn
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And then we can come back and get into this thing.
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And by the way, I would do the same thing with a client.
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I would do the same thing with your children, with a boss.
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You can use this tactic in every single scenario.
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Every time you notice your blood boiling, the key to this is making sure that you're communicating
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You can't just run away because that looks like weakness to other people.
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It looks like you're being cowardly or weak about being confronted with something and
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So we don't want to engage in behavior that undermines our ability to lead our families
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We want to engage in behavior that allows us to have the authority and the influence and
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the credibility with the people that we care about.
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And then we'll reconvene in an hour when both of us have brought the temperatures down.
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It's going to get you out of all sorts of trouble.
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When's the last time you got angry with somebody and you communicated that anger in an inappropriate
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I've been talking about the integrity gap for 9, 10 years now.
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The integrity gap is the distance between what we know we ought to be doing and what we're
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And when there's a discrepancy between, again, what we know we should be doing and what we're
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It stirs up a sense of inferiority, a sense of a lack of self-confidence, insecurities, certainly,
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At least it has for me and the other men that I've talked with, the thousands and thousands
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So if, for example, you went to work this morning at 8, 9 o'clock, and instead of being
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diligent and effective with the work that you needed to do, you got sidetracked by stupid
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conversations at work, you spent too much time sitting on the toilet, scrolling through
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social media when you should have been doing that report, you didn't make the phone calls
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Instead of taking a 45-minute break for lunch, you took an hour and a half for lunch.
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At the end of the day, you know in your heart of hearts and maybe even subconsciously that
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you were not as productive as you could have been.
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And what happens in that case is that when you get home or you get into other activities,
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that sense of insecurity bleeds over into other aspects of your life.
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So if your wife, when you walk through the door and your wife says, hey, babe, look, I've
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You know, can you just take the kids for a walk or go play on the playground with them
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or take them to the park for half an hour, 45 minutes, an hour, whatever it may be while
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If you have not done your work effectively, you're going to be frustrated with that.
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And what's going to end up happening is you're going to lash out at her.
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I just walked in the door and you're already like telling me to do things.
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And why can't I have a minute and everything else?
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And it has nothing to do with your love for her or your desire to spend time with your kids.
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It has to do with the fact that you are so guilty.
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You have a guilty conscience about what you should have been doing at work that you allowed
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it to spill over into spending time with your kids and giving your wife a little bit of reprieve
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that she may have needed because her day was just as hard or just as demanding, although
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But if you got all of your work done and you busted your tail and you did all the work
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that you were required to do and you, maybe you didn't get everything done, but you're
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on pace and you're on track and you just had a great day.
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When you get home and your wife's like, Hey, hon, I've had a rough day.
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Can you take the kids at the park for 45 minutes?
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I'm going to make you guys dinner, but I just need to listen to some music or just be in silence
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If you just kicked a at work, you're good with that.
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You have no issue with that whatsoever because the integrity gap is narrow, if not non-existent.
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Do what you're say you're going to do or don't say you're going to do it.
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And I promise you, the more integrity that you have in your life and integrity is just
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simply aligning your thoughts and beliefs with your actions.
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If I'm an evil human being and I believe evil and I do evil, I'm still in integrity.
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Integrity is just aligning your beliefs and your thoughts with your actions.
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And when you have integrity, your propensity for anger and frustration and lashing out
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Have planned your daily work the night before so you can get in the office and get right
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Take the appropriate breaks that you need to be productive.
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And just get it done to the best of your ability so that when you come home, you are
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You're fully engaged with your buddies or your extracurricular activities.
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Number three, guys, we have to eliminate the agitators.
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And one of those things, as trivial as it may sound, is that my 16 and 13-year-old kids,
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And maybe that's because I'm becoming an old man or whatever.
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I noticed when I was trimming up the beard today, there was a little bit more gray on
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But I'm not interested in being agitated by bullcrap.
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It's just everybody just running around being noisy and being obnoxious and not having systems
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and not having effective ways of having a family dinner together or what my kids are
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going to be doing or who's going to where and she's going to dance and he's going to lacrosse
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and he's going to soccer and he's going to basketball.
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You know, I cleaned off my desk before I did this podcast because I don't want stuff on my
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I don't want bills sitting there piling up because I see the bills piling up and that
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I don't want left things left undone and I don't want clutter and crap everywhere.
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I want a clean, orderly place in which I can operate.
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When I go to the gym, even this morning, it was so busy at the gym that I could not do
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my scheduled workout in the order that I wanted to do it.
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And I'm not upset that those people are there working out.
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But I am considering going to the gym an hour earlier in the morning precisely because I
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I don't want to deal with the noise and the chaos.
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And the more that I can eliminate in my life, the better.
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I was going through my closet and I've got all these shirts and things and boots and
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And I went through and just did a deep cleanse of my closet today.
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It sounds weird, but it was liberating to get rid of all the crap that I'm never going
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to use because as the saying goes, what you own owns you.
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And the more that I eliminate that stuff, the better off I am.
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If there's people in your life who are toxic or who are always complaining about everything
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and anything, or they're bringing drama into your life, you have to purge that.
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And if it's somebody that you care about, I think you need to set up some boundaries.
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You know, you can't purge that person maybe from your life, but you might tell somebody,
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hey, look, I want to have a relationship with you.
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We do this or that, or we're business partners, or you're my wife or my kids or whatever.
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And when you bring this toxicity into the relationship, it spills over into the way that I show up and
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it spills over and creates a barrier and a hedge between us.
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Again, I say this, it sounds so weird, but as a man who's getting older, I want simplicity.
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I want fewer things in my life so that I can actually have joy and peace and clarity and
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This is the last tactic that I'm going to share with you.
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So number three is, excuse me, we already talked about number three, that's eliminate
00:16:32.440
So number four, we're getting into strategy now is to lower your expectations of other
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If you're in the dating space, I'm not saying lower your standards.
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If you're expecting your kids to perform, I'm not saying lower your standards or the family
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What I'm saying is to lower your expectations of people.
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We place all sorts of unnecessary expectations on other people based on our own personal
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And not only is it not fair, it just sets us up for being frustrated and contentious and
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The quote that comes to mind is that faulty expectations are the thief of joy.
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I'm not interested in robbing joy from my life.
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And when I believe that people are going to show up a certain way without ever communicating
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that to that person or them communicating that with me, that's a faulty expectation that I
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I remember I've spent a lot of time coaching my children.
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And I remember certain instances where I had this high expectation of six, seven, eight
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year olds to play flag football or to play T-ball.
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And I had this really weird, faulty expectation of the way they showed up.
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And then they didn't do what I thought they should do or what I coached them to do.
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So their performance would dictate the way that I showed up.
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I'm not interested in having other people dictate my own sanity, my own wellbeing, my
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So instead I've learned to let go of the expectations.
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I'm going to do everything that I can do in this case to coach kids or to be an engaged
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supporter of the woman that I'm dating or to be there and nurturing and supportive and
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And then I just have to let the chips fall where they may.
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Now, look, there are certain expectations that you should have with people, but the difference
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is that they need to be communicated and articulated and agreed upon.
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So if I have a new employee, for example, I'm not suggesting to you that you just lower your
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expectations and let that employee run roughshod all over your business and burn it to the
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ground, in that case, what I would suggest is these are the communicated expectations.
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And if you can't uphold those expectations, I'm not going to be angry, but I'm not going
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But there are other areas where you see people in life, whether it's driving down the road
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and some idiot cuts in front of you or, you know, doesn't turn on a signal or is driving
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I'm not saying I'm above that, but what has served me best when I'm at my best, which
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is not always, but when I'm at, I am at my best, it's when I'm not expecting people to
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It'd be nice, but they're not always going to do it.
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We're going to talk about that here in a second, but lower your expectations, not your standards.
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Hey, I have a standard for the way that you show up.
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I have a standard for the way I'm going to be communicated with a standard would be with
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Hey, I have a standard for the way that we operate in this household by doing chores and
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be respectful to each other, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
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Expectations are things beyond your control where people should do this or ought to do that
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It's none of your business, none of your concern.
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Let it go, focus on what you can control, which brings us to point number five, focusing
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I pulled this up as I was preparing for this conversation.
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Internal locus of control is the belief that a person's actions and efforts are the primary
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Internal locus of control is the belief that a person's actions and efforts are the primary
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We have internal locus of control and we have external locus of control.
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External is the guy who's driving down the road.
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He's going 10 miles under the speed limit and he's holding everybody up because he's in
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the left lane when he ought to be in the right lane.
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That's external, nothing you can do about you can honk and you can, you know, pull right
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And at the end of the day, it is not within your control.
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The way that your sister-in-law is showing up and treating the rest of your family and behaving
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at Thanksgiving dinner is not within your control.
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The mistakes and the choices that your brother is making in his life, although you want him
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to make good decisions and you're going to try to serve and help and lead that brother
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The fact that your boss is running his business into the ground and not doing it the way that
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What Trump is or isn't doing and what Biden is, isn't doing is beyond your control.
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I'm not saying you don't have influence, you do to some degree, but it's beyond your control.
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So you can be involved to the degree that you can, but you ultimately have to realize,
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And where we ought to spend the bulk of our time, if we're using the principle of the Pareto
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principle, which says that 80% of our results come from 20% of our efforts, then we ought to
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That's where we usually spend 20% on us, 80% of other people.
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You're worried about how your brother is showing up or how your sister-in-law is behaving or
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whatever on Thanksgiving, but did you treat your family right this morning when you woke up?
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You're worried about the guy who's 50, 60, 80, 100 pounds overweight, and you see him and
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you make fun of him every time you drive by him or you see him and you pass him in the
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All of us are so focused on what other people are doing that we forget that we have to focus
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And I realize this might be a bit ironic as I sit here on this podcast and tell you what
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The difference is, is you're here for a reason.
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But the other difference is that I realized that I don't have any control over you.
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And I used to get very frustrated early on in this movement when I would tell people
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to do things and I'd give them advice that I thought would serve them well, tell them
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what worked for me, tell them what didn't work for me, and they wouldn't take it.
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Why am I frustrated about somebody else's life?
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The only person I should be frustrated with is myself.
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The only person I should be proud of is myself.
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Or did I fall short and I didn't follow through on my commitments and I didn't show up powerfully
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and I was worrying about external things that were beyond my control?
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80%, 90%, maybe even 99% of your time ought to be focused on the things that you can control.
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Getting out of bed on time, planning your day the night before, going through a solid, healthy
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morning routine, serving people along the way, going into work and getting your job done,
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serving your clients, leading your family, coaching your kids, getting the exercise that
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you need, getting the sleep that you need, avoiding vices in your life, dealing with your finances,
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paying off debt, building investments, being smart, developing new skills.
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80%, 90%, 90% of your time ought to be spent on that.
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Because if you're going to be angry, and again, it's okay to be angry.
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I want to be angry at the things I can control.
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Because if I'm angry, isn't that God's or evolutionary evolution's way of telling us that something's
00:24:59.180
off? And so if I'm angry, I have to ask myself, what am I angry about? And why?
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If it's beyond my control, I'll just continue to be angry in perpetuity.
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But if it's something within my control, then I can fix it and not be so angry. Because instead of
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being a slob or a lazy piece of garbage this morning, I can get up and I can actually do
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something, like I said, I would. Focus on your internal locus control. And gentlemen, the last
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thing right here, again, this is strategic. Strategic, excuse me, sounded weird the way I said
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it. Strategic is to keep your eye on the prize. You have goals. You have dreams. You have ambitions.
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You have desires. And most of them are righteous and worthy of investing in. Whether it's loving
00:25:54.800
your wife and building a family with her, or raising your kids to be productive members
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of society, or to serve in your church congregation and help bring people closer to God, or to coach
00:26:08.100
your daughter's softball team, or your son's basketball team, or to establish good friendships
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where you guys go out and do hard things together and get better because you're together. You have
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these goals. You have these dreams. You have these desires. And what I would suggest to you in moments
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of weakness where we're tempted to get angry and to lash out is that we ask ourselves, what is the best
00:26:34.480
course of action to produce the result that I desire? So, or let me give you a couple examples.
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If you're thinking to yourself, well, I just want to be more intimate with my wife. Is complaining
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and whining or belittling her or yelling at her or making her feel stupid going to help you be more
00:26:56.800
intimate with your wife? Probably not. Is being supportive and edifying and uplifting and caring
00:27:05.640
and empathetic towards what she's going through going to help you get more of what you want,
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that intimacy? Yes. So how is anger, or at least the response to your anger, serving you?
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If your kids are so terrified to come to you because they don't know if they're going to get the calm,
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cool, collected dad, or they're going to get the irrational, emotional, agitated dad,
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do we have any right to ask why they won't come to us when they're dealing with difficult things at
00:27:38.640
school or with girls or boys or whatever it might be? Of course not. My goal personally is to raise
00:27:45.320
self-sustaining adults. And when I get agitated, and I do, and my kids all the time, just like all of us,
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I'm not saying I'm above being annoyed or bothered or pissed off about my kids. I am.
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But my goal is to raise good little human beings
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who know their place, who have dreams, who have desires, who want to serve themselves,
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who want to serve their communities, who want to lead, who want to step up, who want to live a good life.
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Being mad and agitated is not going to help me get them to that place.
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If I want to maintain a relationship that I have with a client, the client's mad at me because I
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made a mistake, is being mad and shifting blame on them and defending and just being a whiny little
00:28:27.980
baby going to help me maintain a relationship with a client? Or is accepting blame and saying,
00:28:36.160
this is my fault, and then fixing it to the degree that you can and encouraging them to stay
00:28:40.140
with you, to do business with you? Like, what is better towards your end goal and your end desire?
00:28:47.100
And this suggests that we do need to have goals and desires. We talk about it in the Iron Council
00:28:53.260
as a vision. You don't need to have a vision for your life. If you don't have a vision for the way
00:28:57.680
your relationship looks or the way your kids between you as them being your children and you
00:29:02.920
being their father looks, if you don't have a vision for the way that you show up for your clients
00:29:06.680
or for your community members or your friends or for God, if you don't have a vision of that,
00:29:12.300
what are you measuring against? And of course, you're tossed to and fro. And of course, all the
00:29:17.020
agitators of life are going to get to you more than they would with somebody with a vision.
00:29:21.820
Somebody who has their eye on the prize. This is what I want. Is the way that I'm behaving right
00:29:26.960
now moving me towards that goal or moving me further away? And when I, not when I'm angry,
00:29:34.060
that's not the problem. Anger is the emotion is never the problem, guys. It's the response to it.
00:29:39.540
So if I'm responding negatively or in a toxic way to the emotion that I'm experiencing,
00:29:44.360
is that helping me make more money for my family? Is that helping me serve the people I want to serve?
00:29:50.580
Is that helping me build an intimate relationship with my significant other? Is it helping me lead my
00:29:55.180
kids? Or is it driving a wedge between me and my kids? Or is it killing intimacy between me and my
00:30:02.820
wife? Or is it causing me not to have people who are attracted to me and want to do business with me?
00:30:07.800
Or is it hindering and hampering and limiting business opportunities and growth that could
00:30:12.920
otherwise be available if I choose to respond to my emotion of anger in a positive and constructive way?
00:30:20.100
I'll leave you with this. Anger is not a bad thing. It's actually a good thing. It's good that
00:30:27.460
you're angry. You should be angry about things, not everything. If it's everything, we got some
00:30:34.000
issues to work on. But if you're upset about some things, that's okay. That means you have values,
00:30:41.900
you have principles, you have things that you care about, things that you're interested in,
00:30:45.660
things that are important to you. If you're apathetic or indifferent to everything in life,
00:30:51.060
means you care about nothing. Nothing is relevant. Nothing is important. You can be angry. It's okay.
00:31:01.140
It's good. It's your body's way of telling you, you need to fix some things. You need to address some
00:31:09.640
things. But what we as men must do is regulate our response to the emotion that we're feeling.
00:31:17.140
If we're sad, I'm not going to blubber around and cry and make myself a babbling buffoon in front of
00:31:23.120
the people that I love the most. I have, and I know I will at some point in my life. I will continue
00:31:29.540
to do that, but I'm not trying to do that. I want to effectively communicate to people that I'm sad or
00:31:35.660
I'm upset or I had a hard day or I'm, you know, I had this loss and I'm feeling it. And our response is
00:31:42.860
everything. The way that we, you don't think people are watching you and they are.
00:31:48.740
Your kids are watching you. How do you respond to grandma passing away? How do you respond to a
00:31:56.080
hard day? How do you respond to somebody yelling at you and berating you?
00:32:03.500
Everybody's watching you. Your kids are watching you. Your significant other is watching you.
00:32:08.180
Your employer is watching you. Your clients are watching you. And our job as men is to moderate,
00:32:15.420
not eliminate. We could have those emotions, but to temper those emotions into productive
00:32:21.740
outcomes for ourselves and for other people. Recap real quick, and then we'll wrap this up.
00:32:27.060
Give yourself some space when you feel your blood boiling. Bridge that integrity gap, the difference
00:32:32.260
between what we know we should be doing and what we're actually doing. Number three, eliminate the
00:32:36.580
agitators in your life. Number four, lower your expectations, not your standards. Number five,
00:32:42.360
focus on an internal locus of control. And number six, keep your eye on the prize and do what's right
00:32:49.980
based on your long-term vision for your life and the life of those people that you have influence over.
00:32:55.580
All right, guys, if you want to go deeper into this stuff, you want to have good, powerful
00:32:58.920
conversations, or you want some accountability when you're getting angry and maybe you're frustrated and
00:33:04.440
you're agitated and you and your wife are arguing or debating and you're like, damn, I got to get
00:33:08.320
away. I got to move away from this. And you want somebody to call on the phone and say, hey, Ryan,
00:33:13.040
I'm pissed right now. I just need a little bit of a venting. I need a little bit of accountability.
00:33:18.280
I need some coaching. Iron Council is where it's at. Check it out. Orderman.com slash Iron Council.
00:33:24.780
All right, guys, that's all I've got for you today. We'll be back next week. We're talking with a good
00:33:28.660
friend of mine, Sathya Sam on pornography use and obviously specifically how to overcome
00:33:35.020
pornography use and addiction. You will not want to miss it. So subscribe, leave a rating and review,
00:33:40.320
connect with us at orderman.com slash Iron Council, or with me on Instagram at Ryan Mickler. Until then,
00:33:47.680
go out there, take action, get over the anger issues, and become a man you are meant to be.
00:33:53.360
Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life
00:34:01.960
and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.