Order of Man - Why You Need to Be Different, The True Meaning of Vulnerability, and Finding the Courage to Live Fully ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:06.000 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.460 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong.

00:00:15.500 This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become.

00:00:19.720 At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:00:24.980 Kip, what's up man? It's good to see you. It's been, what, two or three weeks?

00:00:28.280 Cause I had Sean on, I think last week and then Sean and I ran, you know, it's all kind of blending

00:00:36.020 together at this point, but Hey, look, I mean, I think there's value. One thing I've seen a lot of

00:00:41.680 guys do is they live in this lone wolf mentality mindset. We're like, or, or the other one is

00:00:48.680 this arrogance mindset. We're like, if I want it done right, I got to do it myself. So yeah.

00:00:53.080 And I actually, I look, I appreciate it because you're invested in what you're doing and it's

00:00:58.840 important to you, but then you're hindering yourself. There might actually be somebody

00:01:03.100 who can do it just as good, if not better than you. And even if they can't, why would you limit

00:01:07.820 other people that you want to serve from opportunities to serve, to improve, to get better?

00:01:13.960 So I love the fact that you're here as my host, that we have guys like Drew, guys like Sean,

00:01:20.020 other people that message me and are interested in doing it. I want to give those opportunities

00:01:25.000 to do it because that, that means that they're excited about it. And it means that there's an

00:01:29.040 opportunity to grow for them and me to back out and let other people handle some stuff now and again.

00:01:34.400 Yeah. I'm sure with Drew doing that one app, you got flooded. You're like, Oh, Hey,

00:01:40.040 everyone else is like, Hey, right. You know, I'm down too, bro. You know,

00:01:43.680 all the time, all the time. It's hard. It's, it's, it's increasingly hard when people reach out

00:01:50.420 and I'm just trying to be really frank and give those who are listening a glimpse into this world

00:01:56.860 of being semi publicly successful. People reach out all the time and most 99% of the intentions are

00:02:06.520 good. But when you hear things so many times, like you have a hundred people who are like, well,

00:02:11.780 I want to host the podcast. It's, it's like, yeah, I can do that. Or if you have a hundred people

00:02:17.000 or a thousand people say, Hey, you got a fake follower. It's like, I know, I know I have a fake

00:02:23.920 account. I know. Or if a bunch of people reach out and they're like, Hey, you spelled, you use the

00:02:31.000 wrong version of your, it's like, Oh, I know you're trying to be helpful. It's just let it go. Like,

00:02:37.440 just let it go. Cause when you get a thousand responses, again, it's like a weird place to be

00:02:43.600 because everybody's trying to be helpful. But when you hear it a thousand times, it just gets

00:02:50.280 old. It really does. But there's a lesson also too. If you want to connect with people,

00:02:57.780 be different, be different, be unique. Well, if, if you reach out to me and you, and you say to me,

00:03:06.020 Hey Ryan, I really like what you're doing. Thank you. I appreciate it. I think that's nice. It's a

00:03:10.440 nice gesture. I usually give them a thumbs up or a fist bump emoji or whatever. But if on the other

00:03:16.880 hand, you reached out and you said, Hey Ryan, I wrote this. I'm not going to say that. Cause I know

00:03:22.500 that's going to unleash. Hey Ryan, I have this connection to so-and-so actually one guy messaged

00:03:28.720 me. It's a guy that I've been wanting to have on the podcast. And he knew that cause he listened to

00:03:32.500 the podcast enough. And he said, Hey, I know you've been trying to get this guy on the podcast. I

00:03:36.400 actually have a connection with him. Can I send you an email? Bingo, different, unique value driven.

00:03:44.480 That's a guy I'm going to respond to. Right? So think about that when you're reaching not out

00:03:49.140 to me, I'm a nobody, but when you're reaching out to people that you really want to be connected

00:03:54.860 with, if you do it like everybody else, you're going to get either ghosted, ignored, or the same

00:04:02.060 generic manufacturer response that somebody else does. But this is also true, not just in this space

00:04:08.440 we're talking about, but with your boss, Hey boss, I'd really like a promotion. Well, how many people

00:04:14.500 do you think have said that? Everybody that works for him has said that.

00:04:19.600 Or if you go to a client and you're like, well, I'd really like your business because X, Y, and Z.

00:04:23.200 That's what everybody says. Or one of the things you often talk about Kip is unique selling

00:04:27.900 propositions. If you say, well, you know, my unique selling proposition is I care about people.

00:04:32.720 Well, welcome to the party. We all care about people. Like, give me something different.

00:04:40.520 How do you do that? The first thing you do is you listen for what other people are saying.

00:04:45.780 Right. If I know that a hundred people have said, Hey, my I'm different because I care about people.

00:04:51.400 I can't say that. Like I have to just nix that from my vocabulary.

00:04:56.860 And a lot of guys are email me and message me and they're like, Hey Ryan, I'm thinking about

00:05:01.500 starting something like you. And here's what I'm going to do. I'm like, bro, that sounds

00:05:04.580 exactly identical to what I created. And it's fine. Like there's enough space for us,

00:05:09.580 but I promise you, I will mop the floor with you.

00:05:11.960 I promise you. And I'm not saying that arrogantly. I'm just saying I'm better at this than you.

00:05:17.820 And I will snag up that market space faster than you can imagine because we're better at it

00:05:23.620 because I've been doing it for seven years. But if you make something different and unique,

00:05:28.520 something the world has never seen before, and it's uniquely you, man, you're off to the races.

00:05:34.020 So just be different. Yeah. You know, something you said earlier, I didn't want to glaze over it

00:05:41.080 because we're talking about what I'm paraphrasing is delegating, right? And the value of you being

00:05:48.520 able to have me and Drew and Sean, you know, in a corner. One, you mentioned the ability to create

00:05:55.800 an opportunity for us, right? The other part was they might be able to do it better.

00:06:00.700 Um, where I get hung up on this is I think different is better, right? I think my version

00:06:07.640 of it is actually better when reality, it's just different. So like I delegate something to someone

00:06:13.840 else, they'll do it differently. And I get hung up that it's not the way I would do it. And thus,

00:06:19.680 it's not a superior product when reality, that's not true. It's just different. And it has its own

00:06:25.660 values in a different way. And maybe some negatives in a different way that I wouldn't have

00:06:30.620 seen, but, but I get hung up on my version, always being the right version.

00:06:37.160 Occasionally. And it's just occasionally, it's not very much. So don't, don't let this blow your

00:06:41.480 head up here. I'll get somebody that says, I really like Kip's insights. Just occasionally,

00:06:46.140 Kip, not too much. Well, don't worry. They're, they're all messaging me and letting me know.

00:06:50.080 And it's exhausting after thousands of messages. I'm just like, Oh my gosh, it's so hard to be

00:06:59.660 popular. Uh, I really struggle. I can relate to you, right? I'm done, man. I'm done. I'm out. You

00:07:06.180 win. You win the podcast today. Oh, the popularity is so hard to deal with. Well, woe is me.

00:07:12.860 I can't, I can't. I'm done. I'm out. Just call Sean. You win. There's no rebuttal for that.

00:07:23.680 To be liked by so many. I'm literally bitching about people messaging me.

00:07:28.840 Okay. You put me in my place. All right. You win. No, no, no, no. Please proceed to talk about

00:07:33.840 how great my perspective is first, at least before we end. Okay. I'll, I'll start that. And then you can

00:07:39.140 just run it on your own. Uh, people will say, well, I really like Kip's insight. And what is my

00:07:45.360 natural response? Like what generally, what is a man's natural response? What about mine? Well,

00:07:50.900 you like Kip, what about, and you know what? Awesome. You like Kip's feedback because to your

00:08:00.780 point, it's different. And it's something I just couldn't give. Like, I can't give your perspective

00:08:06.600 on the questions that we answer because I'm not you and I don't have your experiences and I don't

00:08:12.020 have a hundred percent of your same beliefs or your culture or whatever. And we, we shouldn't be 0.71

00:08:17.680 threatened by that. I, I should actually feel good about that. Oh, well, yeah. Because I brought Kip

00:08:22.420 in because I actually acknowledged that too. I knew it would be different enough. And that's why I wanted

00:08:27.280 him here on the podcast. I knew Sean had some perspective and was intelligent and, and successful.

00:08:33.640 And so I brought him on and I'm not intimidated or threatened by the fact that people really

00:08:40.660 resonate with you and Sean. I'm actually really grateful that I have guys like you in my corner

00:08:44.520 that you believe in supporting what we're doing. How do you make sure, how do you get into that

00:08:48.860 mindset though? Right? Because that's like, so, because I'm the same way, like that's so easy

00:08:54.260 to immediately feel undervalued or where, whatever that is, right. To have the ego come into play and go,

00:09:01.860 you know, you know, fuck that and get pissed off. Like, is it just the pausing in the moment and 0.99

00:09:07.260 going, wait a second, no bigger purpose. Or I don't know, what does that look like for you to kind

00:09:11.120 of put that in check? Maybe a little pause, a little self-reflection to your point. I would say

00:09:16.900 it goes deeper than that. I would say that you have to be successful. You just have to, like, I,

00:09:24.160 I can only be proud enough of people to the degree that I believe in myself.

00:09:30.620 Yeah. It's self-confidence, you know, which is, which is a result of success in different ventures.

00:09:38.260 So I'm a successful podcaster by, by any objective metric, I'm a successful podcaster.

00:09:47.300 So you coming on my podcast doesn't threaten me.

00:09:50.860 Right. Cause you, you've gotten great at it. Yeah.

00:09:54.300 Just not a threat. I'm not concerned about it. Um, Joe Rogan, I I'm not concerned that Joe Rogan

00:10:02.140 is as successful as he is because I'm a successful podcaster. I'm not maybe a little bit more on my

00:10:09.020 level as far as downloads reach that sort of thing. Uh, Jordan Harbinger, a good friend of mine,

00:10:15.380 uh, Brett McKay with the art of manliness, Larry Hagner, good dad project. These are all guys

00:10:21.400 that I think were peers. As far as some of these objective metrics, I'm not intimidated by Larry.

00:10:26.380 I'm not intimidated by Jordan. I'm not intimidated by Brett because I'm confident enough in my own

00:10:32.200 abilities. Now I look to those guys and I see what they're doing and I'm like, Oh, that's a cool

00:10:36.240 guest or Brett has some great guests on Brett runs a completely different podcast than I do.

00:10:42.240 He's very structured, very self-help where I think ours is more conversational. Uh, Jordan 1.00

00:10:49.900 Harbinger brings on some elite level people that I have, I don't even have access to. And he's very

00:10:57.400 thoughtful. He's very intelligent. Uh, Joe Rogan is an incredible conversationalist and he has access

00:11:04.000 to some of the most incredible people that doesn't threaten me because I'm pretty sure about where I am.

00:11:10.680 And I know the trajectory I'm on. Yeah. If I looked at some, let's talk about it in a different

00:11:15.880 vein. If I looked at somebody who was ultra, uh, let's say I wanted to get good at jujitsu

00:11:21.320 and I looked at you who's a jujitsu black belt and I'm like, well, you know, Kib, oh, 0.84

00:11:27.900 he's not really that good because look at his body type and, you know, look at this and look at that.

00:11:32.600 And I don't have that. Yeah. Because you're not even in the arena now, Kib, I'm not threatened by

00:11:38.020 you at all. I've been training for a little over three years. I, I, I'm actually inspired by you.

00:11:46.160 I actually look at you and say, Hey, you know, here's what he's done. He's not an ultra amazing

00:11:51.660 specimen of a human being. Like he's healthy. He's fit. He's trained. He's, he's got this game that

00:11:56.980 he's developed. And so that's cool. Like, but I can't feel that way unless I'm actively on the

00:12:03.520 path myself or unless there's a little bit of a fracture in the path. So let's say,

00:12:10.080 let me give an example. I hear from with a lot of guys. So let's say I'm looking at you with

00:12:15.160 regards to your health or your jujitsu game. And I really want to be confident in myself,

00:12:20.100 but I really have a hard time with alcohol. Like I I'm a, I'm a, I'm an alcoholic. I can't,

00:12:26.660 get over it. I can't figure it out. That's a frack, but everything else I'm doing, right.

00:12:31.920 I'm engaged with my family. I'm, I'm eating correctly, except for the alcohol. I'm fit.

00:12:37.360 I'm training. I'm doing all this thing. That's a fracture in my game. And that fracture more often

00:12:43.000 than not is going to manifest itself in projection, not internalization. So I'm less likely to say,

00:12:51.400 I can't have what Kip has because I'm an alcoholic. And I'm more likely to say,

00:12:56.660 well, if Kip didn't have these challenges and if Kip this and Kip that, and I project it all onto you,

00:13:04.080 then he wouldn't be as good as me. So instead of what I, what we do as men is we tend to pull people

00:13:10.420 down rather than say, Oh, this is a fracture in my game. And I need to replace that with something

00:13:17.140 that's more positive so I can lift myself up. I really love this. Let me see if I can say a

00:13:24.280 different way and see if you agree. Fracture I'm, I'm seen as a sense of being out of integrity.

00:13:30.460 And when we're out of integrity, we do two things. We own it and we pivot, or we excuse it to justify

00:13:38.140 it, to live with ourselves. And so what I'm hearing is, is that projecting of bringing other people down

00:13:44.460 is the justification of my action because I'm out of integrity, because I'm, I'm showing up in a way

00:13:49.020 that I know I shouldn't be. And I don't want to change. Thus I have to, I have to run the story,

00:13:55.600 right? I have to come up with some bullshit excuse to justify the behavior. 0.99

00:14:00.260 And it might not even be bullshit. It might actually be a real thing. So I'm dealing with 0.99

00:14:04.520 this right now. And I'm not going to lie that this is dealing with my self-confidence,

00:14:09.400 struggling with my self-confidence because of this. Yeah.

00:14:13.340 This is an external circumstance. Now there's things I can do to internally to make sure I'm doing it

00:14:17.480 correctly, but this little minor, minor injury that I'm dealing with is a external circumstance

00:14:23.860 that I personally created. I'm not denying that I created the circumstance. Yeah. Uh, and it's,

00:14:30.240 and it's impacting myself confidence. So you're, you're a hundred percent right. And I liked this is,

00:14:38.560 this is the proper use, by the way, Kip, you need to understand this. You need to learn that.

00:14:41.840 Here's a lesson you can learn. Okay. This is, this is the proper use of the word vulnerability.

00:14:46.420 Yeah. Oh yeah. Sorry. We totally blew up. I told those guys to blow up your Instagram. I'm like,

00:14:52.420 all right, we're leaving the Utah meetup. I want to see hashtag be vulnerable, be safe and tag Ryan.

00:14:58.500 It'll be great. This is the proper use of the word. So let's say you hurt your leg and you go to the

00:15:05.340 doctor and get an x-ray and there's a little minor fracture in your, in your fibula or your humorous

00:15:11.360 fibria, fibria, fibria and tibula, right? Are those leg or arm? You guys will know. Okay. Let's let

00:15:17.540 humorous. I know you're humorous. Your leg bone. Yeah. I'm from Minnesota, Utah leg bone. So yeah,

00:15:23.100 I'm from peril. And so we're not all that different. So let's say there's a, you get an x-ray. There's a

00:15:28.460 minor little hairline fracture in your humerus. That's a vulnerable spot. It's weak. Right.

00:15:36.620 So we have a couple of choices.

00:15:38.780 We ignore it.

00:15:39.560 We could ignore it.

00:15:40.720 And then what happens makes it worse.

00:15:42.960 Yeah.

00:15:44.100 We could acknowledge it and take a step back and say, you know, I'm going to let that heal.

00:15:48.720 Let me just take a step back.

00:15:50.460 Let me focus on some other elements of my life and let this heal and do its thing.

00:15:56.220 Another alternative is we could say, Hey, you know, I actually need a cast on that because

00:15:59.800 not only do I want it to heal, like I want it to heal properly straight.

00:16:04.860 And so I'm willing to completely take a step back for a minute and really let it do its

00:16:10.740 thing.

00:16:12.280 But we just don't, we aren't willing to do that as men.

00:16:15.060 And even me, you know, even in this sling now, I'm like, my wife's like, you need to have

00:16:19.080 that on.

00:16:19.580 Even the lady at the gas station, I go to the convenience store occasionally down the road.

00:16:24.440 Funny lady. 1.00

00:16:25.280 She's a neighbor. 0.92

00:16:26.140 Her name's Jill.

00:16:27.420 And she's like, where's your cat?

00:16:28.740 Where's your sling?

00:16:29.500 Where's your sling, Ryan?

00:16:30.760 I'm like, Jill, I got my wife nagging me about the sling.

00:16:33.460 I don't need you doing it too.

00:16:34.360 She just laughs, you know, you know, so you got to deliberately and intentionally take

00:16:39.940 a step back occasionally so that you can get better.

00:16:43.240 But also I can focus on other avenues of my game.

00:16:46.120 I can focus on nutrition.

00:16:47.140 I can focus on mobility.

00:16:48.800 I can be a little bit more thoughtful in the way that I, that I approach things, or I could

00:16:53.440 watch and observe, see some things that I've never seen before.

00:16:56.320 I kept fully planning on going to jujitsu tonight.

00:16:58.560 I'm not going to train, but I'll have my gym clothes on.

00:17:01.420 I'll be ready to train.

00:17:03.740 Not that I'm going to, but I'm going to be there to be available and to learn and grow

00:17:08.180 and be in the presence of and get better in a way that I haven't been able to do before.

00:17:12.960 So that is the proper use of the word vulnerability.

00:17:15.980 And it's not vulnerability for the work, the sake of vulnerability, like nobody wants to

00:17:20.860 be weak. 0.98

00:17:22.380 And if you do, then you're a loser and there's no other way to say it. 0.99

00:17:25.560 There are people, actually, there are people who want to be weak. 0.98

00:17:27.560 They're called victims, perpetual victims.

00:17:30.200 Yeah.

00:17:30.800 Not just going to victimhood mentality.

00:17:32.960 I mean, if you use the fractured bone, as an example, those individuals are, are seeking,

00:17:38.640 Hey Ryan, look at, look at, look how bad my life is.

00:17:41.220 Look, I got this fracture, man.

00:17:42.900 And it's like, Oh yeah.

00:17:44.440 You know what?

00:17:45.240 It's okay.

00:17:45.960 I, it totally makes sense why your life's falling apart.

00:17:49.160 Yeah.

00:17:49.760 Yeah.

00:17:50.080 It's, you know, you poor thing.

00:17:52.000 Yeah.

00:17:52.400 That's what they're looking for.

00:17:53.780 Yeah.

00:17:54.040 Not, I'm not here to, I'm not here to tell you vulnerabilities don't exist.

00:17:57.560 They do, but this whole woke nonsense of let's be vulnerable for the sake of vulnerability 1.00

00:18:01.940 is stupid. 0.99

00:18:02.500 Like who's going to have a fractured, uh, humorous just so they could say they have 1.00

00:18:06.840 a fractured humorous. 1.00

00:18:08.160 Like that's stupid instead. 0.99

00:18:11.420 Okay. 1.00

00:18:11.820 You have a fractured bone.

00:18:13.860 Now, how do you fix it?

00:18:15.900 That's the only proper use of vulnerability.

00:18:18.180 I'm weak in this department, which is the definition of vulnerability.

00:18:21.560 And therefore I need to do X, Y, and Z.

00:18:23.940 And then we get better because of it.

00:18:25.880 I love it.

00:18:26.760 I was just thinking that there's another aspect of kind of what we're talking about.

00:18:30.380 Like the con I might take away from this is if my egos get in a way often, and I almost

00:18:37.360 have a scarcity mentality, I need to build up my confidence.

00:18:42.260 That's, that's the, I need to focus on, Hey, you know what?

00:18:45.780 Confidence needs to be increased.

00:18:47.360 How am I showing up?

00:18:48.200 What am I doing about it?

00:18:50.080 So there's a, there's a question that begs answering in, in that statement.

00:18:54.360 How do you know if your ego is getting in the way?

00:18:58.740 For me, it's an emotional state, right?

00:19:01.360 Like it's not a logical thing.

00:19:03.060 So if, if I were training jujitsu and I was thinking about this the other way, it's like,

00:19:07.920 you know, let's say you're a blue belt right now.

00:19:12.800 Correct.

00:19:13.140 And the chances of you training with the lower belt and that lower belt catching you and you

00:19:19.480 not making that mean something is very low, right?

00:19:24.480 Yeah.

00:19:24.720 You, you get, you get pissed off.

00:19:27.560 Right.

00:19:28.060 But I think as we get better in our jujitsu, that tap doesn't mean as much because we have

00:19:34.700 confidence in it.

00:19:35.600 Right.

00:19:35.860 We're like, Hey, you know, like I know what I'm doing.

00:19:38.440 I'm working this game.

00:19:39.400 Like, I'm not going to make that mean something about me emotionally and kind of get all emotionally

00:19:44.640 wrapped up and do it.

00:19:45.840 So I think whenever I get emotionally wrapped up into it, that's ego.

00:19:51.020 Yeah.

00:19:52.160 Would you agree?

00:19:52.920 I agree.

00:19:53.240 Is that the same for you?

00:19:54.220 I agree.

00:19:55.000 I'm not in it, in, in tune as much as that, where sometimes when I think, when I'm emotionally

00:20:03.000 vested in something, let's say my wife and I are arguing about something and I get emotionally

00:20:07.280 bothered or pissed off initially, I'm like, well, that's because I'm right.

00:20:12.260 And she's wrong.

00:20:14.120 I love it.

00:20:17.040 But that's also ego driven, right?

00:20:19.100 Yeah, totally.

00:20:20.380 Okay.

00:20:20.560 So for me, when you know, here's how, you know, your ego's in the way when you're not

00:20:26.440 producing the results you want.

00:20:27.520 It's always, guys, for us, it's always ego driven.

00:20:35.720 Always. 0.79

00:20:37.220 If you are not making the kind of money you want, it's because you're arrogant.

00:20:42.380 You don't ask for help.

00:20:45.240 You don't look for opportunities.

00:20:47.300 You're not a team player.

00:20:49.740 You think you have it all figured out.

00:20:51.700 The reason you're not making the money that you want, or at least on the path to, I realize

00:20:55.240 it takes time, but the reason you're not making the money you want is because you're 0.91

00:20:58.760 arrogant.

00:20:59.140 The reason you don't have the deep, meaningful connection with your wife is because you're 1.00

00:21:04.060 arrogant.

00:21:04.900 You think, you know, you think you're right. 0.99

00:21:08.600 You think she needs to serve you. 0.52

00:21:10.740 You think that she just needs to do everything that you say.

00:21:13.820 And if that was the case, then everything would be fine.

00:21:16.020 If she would just listen and do what she's told, that's arrogance.

00:21:19.840 If you're not as fit as you would like to be, it's because you think you can eat all 0.99

00:21:25.440 the bullshit and never work out because I don't know, you're God's gift to women and 1.00

00:21:30.500 you're some sort of like Greek God or something. 1.00

00:21:32.840 No, you're an arrogant sack of shit and you need to realize that you're a human being. 1.00

00:21:38.620 And if you eat like garbage and you don't ever move, then you're not going to have the 1.00

00:21:43.940 health and the results that you're after. 0.81

00:21:45.620 To me, ego is always a manifestation, or I should say it this way.

00:21:51.440 How would I say it?

00:21:52.300 Let me think about this for a second.

00:21:54.280 If you're not producing what you want in life, it's always a result of arrogance and ego.

00:22:02.120 I cannot think of a time in my life.

00:22:04.840 I will give some caveats here.

00:22:06.860 There are things that other people will do to you.

00:22:09.380 They'll manipulate, they'll lie, they'll steal, they'll cheat, they'll hurt you.

00:22:14.340 They'll create roadblocks for you. 0.81

00:22:15.520 Yes.

00:22:16.040 That are temporary setbacks and those are beyond your control, but also you should be aware

00:22:22.360 of those.

00:22:23.120 But the overwhelming majority of things in your life that you're not experiencing are a result

00:22:30.180 of your own arrogance and ego.

00:22:31.660 I love it.

00:22:33.780 I, and I, I'm just trying to work this out to see if I, if it works out.

00:22:40.360 And as I think through this, it's like ego would prevent me from being humble enough to

00:22:45.640 learn and listen, you know, from a jujitsu perspective, you may never even show up to the

00:22:51.200 gym because you don't want to be found out to be crappy.

00:22:56.460 Right.

00:22:57.080 Or you won't try the new move.

00:22:59.220 Why?

00:22:59.480 Because you don't want to get to that guy might, that guy might tap me.

00:23:02.800 So I'm never going to try it.

00:23:03.740 Right.

00:23:03.920 I'm always like competition mode.

00:23:05.620 Got to win in the moment.

00:23:07.660 Um, and then I'm acting out of emotion and instead of clarity of mind, because I'm angry

00:23:14.620 or whatever, because this was a part of me.

00:23:18.480 This was an ego, uh, ego created problem.

00:23:23.080 I had, I had Brian Littlefield, a very, very technical black belt.

00:23:27.940 Have you rolled with Brian at all ever?

00:23:29.480 You know, I haven't out of all, you've done some training, some classes and courses with

00:23:33.620 them for sure.

00:23:34.560 Very, very high level technical black belt.

00:23:37.640 He was in my side control and I tried to get him.

00:23:42.320 I tried to sweep him from side control and he didn't respond the way that I wanted him

00:23:47.480 to respond because he's a highly technical black belt.

00:23:50.060 And there was some cues that I missed personally.

00:23:53.400 And instead of, and I even, here's the interesting thing.

00:23:56.480 I did it and I laughed and I'm like, bro, you're supposed to move.

00:24:00.020 And I was just joking and laughing with him.

00:24:01.880 And he's like, yeah, I know.

00:24:03.020 That's why I didn't.

00:24:03.680 And then I tried to muscle him ego.

00:24:11.280 I'm like, well, if you're not going to do it the way that it's supposed to work, then

00:24:13.620 I'm just going to muscle you. 1.00

00:24:14.760 Yeah.

00:24:16.000 Ego.

00:24:16.420 Yeah.

00:24:16.600 And I tried to muscle him and I'm not sure if I heard or felt it, just go snap.

00:24:21.320 Nope.

00:24:22.040 That ain't going to work.

00:24:23.620 And I got, it hurt so bad.

00:24:25.340 I got nauseous.

00:24:26.000 I didn't throw up, but I got nauseous.

00:24:27.240 And I was, I'm like, that's a serious injury.

00:24:29.360 Yep.

00:24:29.920 Yeah.

00:24:30.620 Yep.

00:24:31.820 Ego.

00:24:32.540 Ego, man.

00:24:33.440 It's always ego.

00:24:35.140 I love it, man.

00:24:36.260 That's good.

00:24:37.140 I think we're good.

00:24:38.100 You good.

00:24:38.600 Let's just call this thing.

00:24:39.720 That was great.

00:24:40.560 Great stuff.

00:24:41.920 Fix it guys.

00:24:43.040 All right.

00:24:43.600 Let's, let's jump into some Instagram.

00:24:45.520 Sound good.

00:24:45.980 So to connect with Mr.

00:24:48.120 Mickler on the socials, that's at Ryan Mickler.

00:24:51.360 And we're filling questions today from his Instagram account.

00:24:55.240 First question, Gregory gang, Ryan and Kip, what are you both most excited about right now?

00:25:02.320 Not including the order of men, which I actually really appreciate that.

00:25:05.840 He was like, you can't include that.

00:25:07.780 Cause I, we already know that you're excited about it.

00:25:10.080 So that I, you know, that says something.

00:25:12.620 So, but what other thing are you most excited about?

00:25:16.160 Uh, I'm going to do a little bit of rapid fire.

00:25:18.160 Cause I know we have a lot of great questions actually.

00:25:20.280 So I'm going to do rapid fire.

00:25:21.400 Uh, there's two things I'm excited about right now.

00:25:23.240 I'm actually excited about recovery.

00:25:25.200 I'm halfway into the sling.

00:25:27.860 So I'm 50% of the way through.

00:25:29.580 Um, I have started working out, um, I have started working out, I'm doing legs and working this

00:25:32.980 other side of my body.

00:25:34.100 I'm actually very, very excited about that.

00:25:36.040 And I'm excited to get back to jujitsu, but it's going to be about three to four months.

00:25:39.760 So that's number one.

00:25:41.260 Uh, number two on a very, on a more personal, more immediate term level.

00:25:46.160 I'm excited for my two oldest sons.

00:25:47.780 They're at fishing camp right now.

00:25:49.100 They're going to be gone for about five or six days.

00:25:51.860 And we dropped them off yesterday and it was challenging more.

00:25:56.360 So I, I think for my wife to drop them off, but the fact that my two oldest boys are there

00:26:01.520 together, they're with camp counselors and they're doing their thing.

00:26:05.320 I'm very excited for them.

00:26:07.380 Uh, and there's actually one more thing I drew out for moose, a moose hunt, uh, in October.

00:26:15.140 I drew it.

00:26:16.080 You got a tack.

00:26:16.800 Nice.

00:26:17.220 Yeah.

00:26:17.340 I got a tack.

00:26:18.120 So this is our third year putting in.

00:26:20.220 I've have, I have friends that have been putting in for literally 20 years and haven't

00:26:24.160 drawn out.

00:26:24.660 And we drew out after year three.

00:26:26.760 So me and my oldest son Brecken, uh, are going to go hunt in October for moose.

00:26:33.380 So those are the three things I'm really excited about right now.

00:26:36.000 That's cool.

00:26:36.700 That's cool.

00:26:37.740 Yeah.

00:26:38.060 I mean, I think for me, the main thing is, um, we're, we're breaking ground finally.

00:26:43.260 So we got this old trailer off the property, down off the water.

00:26:48.220 That's officially gone.

00:26:49.740 Um, and, uh, probably next week we'll be doing foundation.

00:26:53.660 And then shortly after that, start framing a house and I'm really excited about it.

00:26:58.680 Um, mostly not for the house.

00:27:00.680 Actually, I'm excited because, uh, my wife's uncle is going to be the general contractor

00:27:07.020 and I plan to take as much time off and work like long days.

00:27:13.820 So I can have like long weekends and just go down there and, and focus on building a

00:27:19.480 house, which I've never done before.

00:27:20.840 And I'm, I let him help you with it.

00:27:23.080 Exactly.

00:27:23.520 I'm just super excited to be like, have a mentor and say, this, this is what we do.

00:27:28.940 And, and know that it's going to be done right.

00:27:30.740 Versus if I try to do it, I know back the house would be leaning or something wrong.

00:27:34.680 So to know, have someone that's an expert, be able to coach and just be humble, listen

00:27:40.520 and learn.

00:27:42.120 I'm really excited about.

00:27:44.720 That's really cool.

00:27:45.940 This will be a, uh, this will be a second home or a, or a lake, a lake cabin versus your

00:27:51.260 primary.

00:27:52.120 Exactly.

00:27:52.600 Exactly.

00:27:53.560 Yeah.

00:27:53.860 They would call it a camp here in Maine.

00:27:55.520 They would call it camp.

00:27:56.580 Oh, really?

00:27:57.400 Interesting.

00:27:57.900 Camp.

00:27:58.320 Yeah.

00:27:58.880 Like Utah, it's like a cabin and you're like, yeah, it's not a cabin.

00:28:02.200 It's kind of a, just a house.

00:28:04.420 Right.

00:28:04.540 But it still is a cabin, but here they call it camp.

00:28:07.220 I've got a camp.

00:28:08.080 Camp.

00:28:08.700 Yep.

00:28:09.080 Interesting.

00:28:09.720 I like it.

00:28:10.260 Yeah.

00:28:10.940 All right.

00:28:11.700 Uh, Boka 09 Kip and Ryan, how do you manage your time and tasks when your children were younger?

00:28:17.620 I have four kids underneath eight, including an infant.

00:28:20.920 I find I am most productive early in the morning or late in the evenings when everyone is sleeping,

00:28:26.040 but it's not sustainable.

00:28:27.120 How can I better manage daily schedules while being present to help my wife and be there

00:28:32.160 with my kids?

00:28:33.740 I think you hit it actually.

00:28:35.000 And you also addressed it.

00:28:36.400 It's not sustainable.

00:28:37.340 You're right.

00:28:37.700 It's not.

00:28:38.100 And it's actually not meant to be, but here's the beautiful thing.

00:28:40.400 Your kids get older.

00:28:41.420 Four under eight is a challenge.

00:28:43.080 No doubt.

00:28:43.720 Uh, we've got, let me think here.

00:28:46.940 Don't quote me on this guys, or don't tell my wife, but 14, 11, almost nine and six.

00:28:54.980 Those are our four.

00:28:56.920 Uh, and you're right.

00:28:59.060 It's not sustainable, but it's not supposed to be.

00:29:01.380 It's just, it's seasons.

00:29:02.440 That's all it is.

00:29:03.240 So look, I wish I can give you a better answer, but I think you stumbled upon it or deliberately

00:29:07.920 done it.

00:29:08.340 Maybe not stumbled upon it early mornings before everybody's awake and evenings after everybody's

00:29:13.080 asleep.

00:29:13.820 And the only other thing I would suggest to you, if you're not already doing it, sounds

00:29:16.960 like you are, is to have boundaries in place.

00:29:19.200 So you might need to communicate with your wife and your older children, maybe you're

00:29:22.880 eight and six year old, uh, and say, Hey guys, look from, from 5 AM to 7 AM is dad's

00:29:31.560 time.

00:29:31.940 So if you wake up at 6 30, you guys, you know, go have some breakfast, maybe watch a cartoon,

00:29:37.580 but this is dad's time.

00:29:39.280 So you let me have my time at seven o'clock at night.

00:29:43.080 Tonight or, or whatever your thing is.

00:29:45.180 Hey kids, it's bedtime.

00:29:46.840 Oh, can we stay up an extra 10 minutes?

00:29:48.360 No, it's bedtime.

00:29:50.400 Bedtime is a seven or seven 30 or whatever your family dynamic is.

00:29:53.900 I'm not going to tell you what to do.

00:29:55.160 What time you should put your kids to bed.

00:29:56.700 You can figure that out.

00:29:57.380 I will say you shouldn't put them to get bed at nine or 10 or midnight or whenever you

00:30:01.360 go to bed, but our two youngest.

00:30:05.440 So that's our nine and six year old.

00:30:07.320 They go to bed between about seven 30.

00:30:09.940 And then our two oldest go to bed between eight and eight 30.

00:30:13.940 Those are, those are the times.

00:30:15.700 Like there's no guesswork.

00:30:17.020 They're not confused about that.

00:30:18.680 They're not wondering.

00:30:20.180 Nope.

00:30:21.140 These are the times.

00:30:22.140 And these are the boundaries that we have in place.

00:30:24.160 The other thing our family does is quiet time.

00:30:27.380 Sometimes my wife gets very overwhelmed with homeschool and taking care of the kid and 1.00

00:30:32.840 doing all these things.

00:30:33.660 And so she institutes quiet time and that might just mean 30 minutes and everybody goes to

00:30:38.860 their room and they close the door and they figure out something to do.

00:30:43.580 Legos, Barbies, playing the guitar, listening to music, cleaning your room.

00:30:49.360 I really don't care what it is at that point, but there's quiet time that's instituted.

00:30:55.000 And these are boundaries that are healthy for not just parents, but also for kids.

00:31:00.960 And very, very effective.

00:31:03.460 Quiet time with a two-year-old is probably not going to work other than a nap.

00:31:07.360 And so what I would do is if I had kids under the age of eight is I would say, okay, well,

00:31:12.140 our two-year-old's going to bed at, you know, one o'clock this afternoon for an hour.

00:31:17.040 And so that's when quiet time is, everybody else is going to go to their rooms while the baby takes

00:31:22.540 a nap and you're all going to take an hour or a half an hour or whatever. And that gives you some

00:31:26.540 time to recharge, rejuvenate, maybe do some work, catch up on some emails, make some calls,

00:31:30.720 et cetera, et cetera.

00:31:32.160 Yeah. And it just takes reps to get there. You like sometimes when you instigate some of this

00:31:37.960 stuff, initially it's not going to work quite times a disaster. Kids are still, you know what I

00:31:43.880 mean? But stick with it, get some consistency and have some discipline around it and it'll work.

00:31:49.880 You just need to get some initial reps in. That's a good part. Yeah. It doesn't work just

00:31:55.820 because you say it should be this way. Yeah. And you'll want to give up, right? You'll want to

00:32:00.700 give up and go, this isn't working. They're not consistent. It takes consistency for it to become

00:32:06.300 consistent. Right. Well, let's take a, again, just because we like jujitsu so much, let's take a

00:32:11.880 jujitsu analogy. It's always interesting when you roll with a brand new white belt, who's strong and 0.93

00:32:16.380 athletic. And most guys who come to jujitsu usually are right. They use, they've done wrestling in the

00:32:21.880 past or they're athletic, they're football players, they're bait, they're athletic. They wouldn't come

00:32:26.000 to jujitsu if they didn't have some sort of previous experience or something, right? Something,

00:32:31.060 right. And so what do they do? They go a thousand miles an hour and they can't do anything. And you just

00:32:37.420 laugh because it's funny and it gets hilarious and it's very ineffective. It's very inefficient

00:32:43.720 and it doesn't work. And then, but you did that Kip, I bet. Yeah, totally. I did that. I still do

00:32:50.800 that. Obviously, clearly I still do that and it doesn't work sometimes. Yeah. Right. And so you

00:32:57.920 realize, oh, strength actually, like I want to be strong, but that's not the primary factor in this

00:33:03.240 game. And so you learn and you do reps to your point and then it becomes more effective and more

00:33:09.200 efficient. And you're like, oh, that doesn't work in theory, sweeping them makes sense, but the way

00:33:15.100 I'm doing it doesn't. So let me do that a different way. In theory, getting the kids to go to bed on

00:33:21.000 time is effective and efficient, but the way I'm trying to do it isn't working. So let's come up with

00:33:25.760 a new scenario to do it. Yeah. Yeah. I like that. Matthew Hall, the first, should I quit?

00:33:32.700 But I left this question in. Yeah. Well, it says first on the end. So I thought I'll read that part.

00:33:38.780 It's just interesting. You're going to beat this up, but I left it in here because there's some

00:33:43.560 good, there's some goodness in here. I'm going to beat it up. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. I would never,

00:33:47.280 I would never. I know you so well. Like I, I literally got halfway through the sentence and I'm

00:33:53.360 like, I already know. Okay. So should I quit my full-time job or start farming with my family

00:33:59.320 and do what I actually enjoy or take the safe and easy road with eight hours a day and good benefits? 0.99

00:34:06.780 That's a dumb question. I know, but here's the, here's the better part. How do I find the courage 0.78

00:34:11.920 to take the leap? That you just do like, you don't have to find, you don't have to find courage.

00:34:17.880 Like there's no courage to find it's just in you. You just take it. It's already there. You already

00:34:23.840 have it. You don't need to find it. You just need to act on it. You already know, like, think about

00:34:30.820 the verbiage that you use. Do I take the safe path? Do I farm with my family and find joy and

00:34:37.980 happiness and fulfillment? Like what a crazy question. So the real question is your second

00:34:43.420 half, which is how do I find the courage to do this? Let's forget about everything else you said,

00:34:48.880 because you already know. And just like everybody who's listening, who's trying to come up with

00:34:53.300 answers to these types of questions, guys, you already know, already know. How do you find

00:34:59.200 the courage? It doesn't need to be found. It already exists and resides within you.

00:35:05.380 You just need to make the decision. Now, I don't want you to be reckless. I'm not telling you to be

00:35:10.520 reckless, but maybe you need to come up with a six month game plan, right? Like you're in a job that

00:35:18.660 you don't enjoy. You know, which direction you want to go. You can't quite do it now,

00:35:22.500 but over six to 12 months, you could definitely position yourself with cattle, with livestock,

00:35:28.980 with setting up the contracts with grocery stores that you're going to sell your produce to.

00:35:35.680 There's things that you can do over the next six to 12 months. And so what I would suggest is not

00:35:40.560 that you don't need to find the courage. You already have it. You just need to act on it,

00:35:43.800 but that you have a roadmap for the next 52 weeks. Week one, XYZ. Week two, ABC. Week three,

00:35:53.480 and you come up with a 52 week strategy. And now it's not so much courageousness as it is just

00:36:00.060 execution. I just got to do it. That's week one. My wife and I already talked about it. And so you do

00:36:05.080 those things and you're on track. And I would, I would encourage some first principle thinking here

00:36:11.440 where there's a lot of assumptions being made, right? Take it safe, easy road, good benefits. Okay. Well,

00:36:19.160 what makes that safe? Hmm. Right. Like I, and I'm only present to this because I worked for myself

00:36:26.400 and I had employees and I, I get this all the time, right? I'd get these employees that were like,

00:36:31.760 well, Kip coming to work for you with a small company is a risk. It's not as safe as if I worked

00:36:38.160 for Intel or some large corporation. And I would argue that point until I was blue in the face.

00:36:44.360 Really? You think you being a cog in a bigger system in a machine with, with less correlation

00:36:51.080 between your hard work and success is safety. It's perceived safety, but I would argue anything that

00:36:59.960 the direct outcome of your success is more tied to how you show up and how hard you work.

00:37:06.920 That's probably safer because that you are in controlling. But if I work for some large

00:37:12.420 corporation and I'm just a number and I can work amazingly hard and still get laid off, that's not

00:37:19.120 safety. So get clear on what you think is safe and is it really safe and, and, or good benefits,

00:37:27.740 right? Like you pay for those benefits, you know, that, right? Right. Like that's the other part

00:37:33.400 that's super funny. People think like, Oh, I work for a company and I, I get good benefits. Like it's

00:37:38.640 a perk. No, you pay for those. You don't think when you hire employees that the cost of the employees

00:37:45.820 not calculated into the benefits that we give them. Right. And, and how much salary, like, trust me,

00:37:52.180 that trickles down. If we didn't give you benefits, we'd pay you more. Right. So just get clear on the,

00:38:00.160 on the assumptions that you're making.

00:38:03.160 I Kip, I agree with you in principle, but there's one, there's one change I would make to that.

00:38:11.840 And I think it actually is safer because we've got to look at the metrics they're considering safe,

00:38:17.760 which is income and stability, right? That's when they say safe, when somebody says safer,

00:38:21.880 that's what they're saying. Income and stability. Yeah. It actually is unequivocally safer today.

00:38:30.560 Would you agree with that? Like a hundred percent, it's safer today than going into your boss and say,

00:38:37.320 like, let's say you're my boss, Kip. And I said, Kip, I quit. And you're like, Oh, okay. You're

00:38:41.980 resigning. When's your last day. I'm like yesterday afternoon. It was definitely safer. If your

00:38:48.380 definition of safe is income, it's definitely safer today to keep that job because it's known

00:38:54.480 is what you're saying is like, because I need to put food on the table today. Yeah. Yeah. Got it.

00:39:00.200 Yeah. It's not safer tomorrow. Actually it's, it's less safe tomorrow. And then it, in, in two years,

00:39:08.640 it's less safe in 20 years. It's like, who knows? Like the, the, the, the pendulum has swung in 20

00:39:14.760 years. You're much more likely it's way safer to have started your own business and be in business

00:39:19.760 for 20 years on your own than it is to be under the thumb of an organization. So the longer we spread

00:39:26.200 that timeline out, the, the, the less safe it is. So how do you mitigate that by exactly what we just

00:39:33.540 told you? I just told you 12 months, give yourself a 12 month timeline because today it's

00:39:38.520 safer to keep your job like unequivocally without fail. Because it's known to you as well. Like

00:39:44.560 you, you know, everything. Yeah, exactly. And you've planned your life around it, but in 12 months,

00:39:50.460 that safety measure goes down. And that's why if I could lift my arm, it's, it's, you know, it's like,

00:39:58.240 here's where you are right now, safe. Here's where you could be entrepreneur. And then over time,

00:40:03.280 it goes like this and it actually crisscrosses. Yeah. For what we're trying to do is get you to

00:40:10.280 hear this, this inflection point as quickly as we possibly can so that that can switch.

00:40:17.920 Yeah. Yeah. For those not watching on YouTube, just imagine a T-Rex, you know, trying to

00:40:25.320 illustrate something with this, you know, little arm.

00:40:29.000 Hold on. We're, we're, we're going to do this right. So if you're on YouTube, you're going to

00:40:34.000 get this screen share. Here's you are, here you are right here. You're totally safe. You're here's,

00:40:41.120 here's where you could be. It's totally a risk, right? Like I'm going to start my new business.

00:40:45.960 And then over time, your risk with your current organization goes down, your risk with your

00:40:54.920 business actually goes up. And not your risk with your business, your safety with your business.

00:41:01.380 Yep. Sorry. Yep. So we're trying to get you to hear as effectively as possible. And what that means

00:41:08.400 is that you have all of this time, right? I'm really good with graphs. You can see this.

00:41:14.000 You have all of this time right here. So when you're like, well, what do I do? This is what matters.

00:41:19.660 So when people say, let me stop sharing here. When people say to me, Ryan, how'd you start

00:41:28.160 order of man? That's how I did it. I took that time, go to YouTube and watch it. I took that

00:41:33.680 because you need to see that chart. I took all of that little grayed out area and I made the most

00:41:38.700 effective use of that. That's how I did that. And that meant that I needed, that's it. And that means

00:41:44.500 that to the previous question about with kids, like the first two hours of the day were mine.

00:41:49.660 The rest of the time, then a next hour or so was my family's because we did breakfast and family

00:41:54.800 scriptures. Then the next eight hours was my businesses because I committed to doing that.

00:42:00.040 And then there was one break in between that was also mine called lunch. And I use that time for

00:42:05.280 that gray area. And then there was time that I gave to my family when I was done with work. And that was

00:42:10.580 about an hour to two hours. And then there was two hours that was mine. It's what you do in the gray

00:42:15.980 area. That's going to make sure that you reach that inflection point as quick that maybe inflection.

00:42:21.680 I don't know if it's like fulcrum or whatever at the right, as quickly as you possibly can.

00:42:28.160 Israel O in the context of a relationship that was heading towards marriage and ended because of my

00:42:34.420 own failures, lack of confidence and emotional confusion. I've identified my issues and I am working

00:42:41.100 on them aggressively when, when, um, the text is all messed up. I think he was like texting this

00:42:49.640 when, how do I, how do I show my ex now that I want us and I am better in a way that is confident

00:42:56.520 and aggressive, but respectful and not needy. I'd like to hear a little bit more about how you

00:43:01.840 repaired and took back your relationship. I, I take issue with one of the things that he said

00:43:09.480 you're going to, I'm going to paraphrase, but he said, um, you know, something along the lines of

00:43:16.280 his, him and his ex are, you know, they didn't do well. And it was partly stemmed from a lack of

00:43:20.320 confidence. I take issue with that. It is, it wasn't an issue with your confidence. It was an issue

00:43:29.100 with your integrity, right? We already talked about that. And that lack of integrity has hurt

00:43:36.480 your confidence. Yes. So let's not attribute what we, what to the, to the, to the symptom,

00:43:45.080 what we should be attributing to the problem, which is you weren't in integrity. You committed

00:43:51.680 to your wife and I don't know why it is. I'm not going to make assumptions, but I know enough about

00:43:55.400 other people's scenarios that I could say it could be a fidelity issue. It could be that she's lost

00:44:01.580 faith in you because of your work ethic or your laziness, or, or you weren't bringing income to

00:44:06.100 the table. Yes, it could be some things on her end. Sure. Let's table that for now, but it wasn't a

00:44:13.100 lack of confidence. It was a lack of integrity. You weren't doing what you, even if it was to yourself,

00:44:19.760 you didn't do what you committed to doing. And that stemmed in a lack of confidence, which she saw

00:44:26.840 and she didn't see the confidence. She said, well, he's cheating on me. Well, he told me he was going

00:44:32.540 to provide for me in the family and he's out partying every night. Like it's a, it's not a

00:44:36.940 confidence issue. It's an integrity issue. Really quick before you answer the rest of the question.

00:44:41.940 I like this Ryan, because I think when, when guys have a tendency to say I have a lack of confidence,

00:44:48.300 it's almost like it's in a box and it's like something that they have to deal with,

00:44:53.760 but they didn't create, you know what I mean? Like they're a victim of it. And, and thus there's

00:44:59.840 minimal action. It's like, Oh, I got to fix this thing. That's wrong with me versus like, no, no,

00:45:04.980 you created that. And this is how you created it. And it just gives way better context to address it.

00:45:13.120 So a lot of people will, will say, even if it's subconsciously, well, you know,

00:45:17.180 if only I have the confidence of Kip, then, then things would be fine. Well, you can have Kip's

00:45:22.300 confidence. Like it isn't something that you just were born with, like you've earned it.

00:45:26.620 Well, you know, I wish, I wish I was as confident or as sure of myself as Ryan is. And people have

00:45:31.540 said that they've reached out. Hey, I just wish I could communicate better. I wish, I wish as I was

00:45:36.440 as sure in my positions as you were. Well, I earned that. I like, it didn't just happen one day.

00:45:40.700 So you can have that. And it isn't confidence. It's integrity.

00:45:45.220 Yeah. So that's point number one point. Number two, you're doing it for the wrong reason. And

00:45:50.820 that's why you're never going to win her back in the way that you're doing it.

00:45:55.080 Yeah. Cause it's still going to come across needy. It is needy. Yeah. It's a hundred percent needy.

00:46:01.100 Yeah. It's, it's like you're on the African, the African planes and you're a, you know, 1.00

00:46:06.060 a cheetah or a lion and you're trying to chase this thing around and you're trying to develop

00:46:12.140 your skills, but you're really not. You're just kind of relying upon how it was. And maybe one

00:46:16.140 day, if you catch your prey, you'll be fine. And your prey or her are actively trying to avoid you

00:46:22.140 because you're scary. You represent a threat. So stop fucking chasing her, man.

00:46:29.540 Yeah. And what's going to happen if the reason's wrong, right? You're going to bust your 1.00

00:46:35.980 ass and let's just see a hypothetically you're successful. Okay. So you, you bust your ass and 1.00

00:46:41.340 you do it for all the wrong reasons. You show up more powerfully to quote unquote, win her back. 1.00

00:46:46.040 And then once you have her, what you're going to fall the wayside because you were never doing

00:46:52.260 it for the right reason anyway. And then you slump right back into, you know, being the guy that,

00:46:57.600 that caused your relationship to fail because you were never doing it for you. You're never doing

00:47:02.700 it for the right reason. Let's riff on this analogy a little bit more. Let's say I'm a lion on the

00:47:09.500 African plains and I want to catch that gazelle and let's say I managed to do it. Why did I catch

00:47:14.660 that gazelle? Because it was weaker than me. It was slower, dumber, whatever than I was. Is that what

00:47:24.660 you want out of your partner? That she's weaker than you, that she's not independent, that she cannot

00:47:31.000 take care of herself, that she's not confident, that she's dumb, that she's weak. I don't want 1.00

00:47:35.940 that in a partner. I want somebody who's strong, who's bold, who's independent, who's capable and

00:47:41.560 yet chooses to be with me. And if you're chasing women around, it's not going to happen. Right. 0.93

00:47:46.880 That's weak. I'm not interested in that because I will eat her up and I will spit her out. 1.00

00:47:52.200 And that's not what I'm looking for in a long-term relationship. But I've been there. I've had

00:47:55.960 women in my life, you know, before I was married that, you know, it was fun and it was enjoyable 0.53

00:48:01.780 and they were weak, but they were fun to spend time with and that's it. And then I was done and

00:48:07.100 I was like, okay, what's next? You go, go onto the order of man website and type in fix yourself first.

00:48:18.700 That's the first thing I'd say, fix yourself first or fix your marriage by fixing yourself. Those are the

00:48:24.160 two resources I would give you. You need to stop chasing her and you need to improve your own

00:48:29.900 capabilities. So if you're that lion on that African prairie, stop chasing and get strong.

00:48:38.020 Stop chasing and get short. Start being smart. Exercise. Build up your pride or your band of

00:48:44.900 brothers. Find some hobbies that you can engage in. Figure out a way to make more money. Learn how to

00:48:50.340 communicate effectively. Learn how to harness and deal with your emotions. Go to church,

00:48:55.440 get spiritual, find God, or find some sort of higher power than yourself. Man, you start doing

00:49:01.260 these things and all of a sudden the gazelle, the lovely, beautiful gazelle over there is like,

00:49:05.120 what's going on over there? Kind of interested in what's happening over there. That's pretty enticing.

00:49:12.720 And then you'll notice the women, the employers, the clients, the friends, the success, the acumen

00:49:20.260 comes to you. You don't even need a chase. It comes to you. It's a beautiful thing, but you got to do it

00:49:26.180 for yourself, not for her. It's a, it's very hard to do, especially in the midst you've been here,

00:49:32.140 Kip, and I've been here. When you lose somebody that you love and it's not just that,

00:49:37.700 it just takes a bit of your own identity away. I prided myself on being a husband. And when my

00:49:45.100 wife left during our separation, it was a personal indictment. It was not just the fact that I didn't

00:49:51.520 have her in my life. It was a personal indictment against me. You failed at this. Yes. And so it's

00:50:00.000 hard to say, okay, well, I got to fix that. It's way easier to say, oh, I got to fix her. You can't,

00:50:06.500 and you shouldn't, she can only do that. And that's part of the, part of what I'm talking

00:50:11.500 about in the new book is it's called the masculinity manifesto. When I did that little white board thing,

00:50:16.740 you probably, maybe some of you, cause I know you guys do this. You like look at other things and

00:50:20.420 you're like, did he have any porn windows up or anything like that? And you look at my emails and

00:50:25.940 you look at, which I did not have any porn sites up, but I, but I had an email up. I saw it and it

00:50:31.280 said the masculinity manifesto. That's the new book coming out this fall. I promise you people will.

00:50:36.500 Especially now, I say, and, uh, and in it, I talk about how to garner influence, authority,

00:50:43.520 and credibility. It has less to do with what you do for, and to other people and more to do almost

00:50:49.720 exclusively what you do for yourself that leads outwards.

00:50:56.340 That's great. New life farm and see how do you think the modern day church is failing as it

00:51:03.280 pertains to serving the needs of men. I think we talked about this a couple of weeks ago.

00:51:09.500 That was with, was that with you or, or Sean? I can't remember.

00:51:12.400 No, it must've been with Sean. Must've been with Sean. Um, I don't know. I, I'll say it this way.

00:51:20.580 I don't, I don't know that that's a focus I would necessarily deal with like, oh, they're failing me.

00:51:26.000 Okay. Well, how you decide. And then you figure out a solution. Yeah. I really don't think it's

00:51:31.820 the church's, uh, let me think. I was going to say, here's what I was going to say. And I don't,

00:51:38.980 this is not accurate. So, but here's what I don't think it's the church's responsibility to help men

00:51:43.080 with this stuff. That's not accurate. I do because I believe that their responsibility is to serve men

00:51:50.720 and women to lead effectively and then to return to live with God. So that's, that's not true. So 0.99

00:51:55.240 I had to think about that for a second. I will say, I think we place too heavy of an emphasis

00:52:00.140 on outside factors when we should do it ourselves. So what I would say to you is, well, here's what

00:52:04.880 I'd say about the church. The church really doesn't care too much about men and masculinity. It's an

00:52:10.300 overly feminized approach. We're going to sit down. We're going to congregate. We're going to sing

00:52:15.120 and we're going to talk about these issues. And we're going to, we're going to circle up and we're

00:52:20.140 going to share each other's problems. And there's a time and a place for that, but you know, what

00:52:25.860 doesn't happen in the church? Hey, you know what? We're going to go and we're going to punch each

00:52:29.940 other in the face today, literally and figuratively. And before that, we're going to say a spiritual 0.85

00:52:35.800 little message and a prayer. And then afterwards, we're going to pray together. That doesn't happen.

00:52:41.500 Hey, you know what? We're going to go out and we're going to go to the shooting range

00:52:44.020 and we're going to try to shoot targets that look like human beings. And, and, but before we're

00:52:51.200 going to say a prayer, God, give me the strength and the skill to protect myself and my family.

00:52:57.820 Should the situation arise, that's what doesn't happen in the church. And that's what should happen

00:53:05.520 in the church. If we're talking about Christianity, I talked about this before with you, Kip,

00:53:10.140 those 12 disciples were fricking men. They were fishers. They were dirty. They were disgusting.

00:53:15.340 They were gross. They smelled bad. They were strong. They were capable. They were capitalists 0.99

00:53:20.420 because they sold those fish on the market. They tried to get the best value from those fish and

00:53:25.040 they did their work. And when they were there, they were probably drinking. They were probably

00:53:30.220 swearing at each other. They probably came to blows. I guarantee those disciples came to blows with

00:53:36.520 each other. And when one of them said, I'm not going to do that. The other 11 said,

00:53:39.980 no, you are going to do that because you're part of the tribe and you're going to hold your weight.

00:53:45.420 Yeah. Come on now. Like if we really think about what that situation was like,

00:53:49.920 that's the reality. Cause we know how we, as men would behave. And yet all of that was done in a

00:53:56.640 righteous way, right? We're going to, we're going to fight and we're going to be strong and we're going

00:54:00.960 to make ourselves capable. And when one of us is down, we're going to lift the other one up.

00:54:05.600 And you don't see that in church, but you could be that in the church. You could create that.

00:54:11.360 You could go to your pastor who I would almost be willing to bet is not this kind of man.

00:54:18.340 And I would say, Hey, pastor Joe, I love your sermons. I love what you talk about. It enriches me.

00:54:27.920 It helps me lead my family. And one way I would like to serve our congregation is that every

00:54:34.280 Wednesday morning, I would like to do an, a physical activity with men. We're actually going

00:54:40.840 to go train jujitsu. Would you be okay? If I promoted that the way that it's going to work is

00:54:45.480 we're going to say a prayer in the morning and open it up to God. And then we're going to do a

00:54:50.580 spiritual lesson. And then I'm going to tie that spiritual lesson into a lesson of jujitsu.

00:54:55.860 And we're going to fight for an hour. And then we're going to cap it off with a prayer to God

00:55:02.020 in the service of our neighbors and our family members.

00:55:07.820 If that pastor says, no, I'm out of that church. Like, yeah, see ya. I'm onto the next,

00:55:14.060 but you could be the change that needs to be seen in these, uh, overly feminized church 0.96

00:55:19.360 congregations. And by the way, when I say that, cause we do have a lot of women listening, 0.95

00:55:22.660 ladies, I'm not beating you up. I'm not mocking you. When I say overly feminized, 1.00

00:55:26.680 I'm saying it's catered to you and that's beautiful, but it's just not catered to men as well.

00:55:35.160 Yeah. 22 cheapster in the context of marriage, how do you deal with a false? And I've never heard

00:55:41.120 this term before until this question, how do you deal with false ownership coming from your spouse?

00:55:46.920 How, uh, you do your best to strive and truly own your life. But they say things like, I know I'm a

00:55:53.320 bitch, but at least I know it. So it's okay. I know this sounds like whining. There is truth to that. 0.99

00:55:59.320 I feel like I'm hanging onto the greased rope for dear life. I struggle wrestling with my personal

00:56:05.660 ownership daily. I can see in others and myself, how I've changed for the positive, mostly myself.

00:56:11.440 I also can clearly see the harm false ownership does to our children.

00:56:17.640 So false ownership, this I'm just trying to wrap my head around it is this example where he said, 0.98

00:56:22.160 his wife said, I know I'm a bitch, but it's okay. 0.99

00:56:24.960 Yeah. I think it's like this ownership of, I think it's the ownership of this is how I am. 0.99

00:56:29.820 And like, and then stopping the thought there, right? So, well, this is just who I am and not

00:56:36.000 following that conclusion to, well, then maybe you should change you or whatever. Right. That's what

00:56:41.000 I'm seeing. The conversation I would have with my wife is I would say, no, that's not okay.

00:56:47.900 And I'll tell you why, because when you act like that, it makes me feel like you don't want to be a

00:56:54.400 contributing member to the family. When you act like that, the kids get upset and it doesn't

00:57:00.260 actually help lead them to a place that I know you really care about taking them. When you act like

00:57:07.560 that, it makes me feel dot, dot, dot. So you're not just like putting it all on her. You're just

00:57:13.780 helping her to explain because this is a leadership issue and you do it too. Just like I do it just like

00:57:20.080 you do it, Kip. Right. Like, well, deal with it. Well, why, why, why does my wife have to deal with 1.00

00:57:24.440 my attitude? She shouldn't have to deal with that. Like you're telling me that the only way I can

00:57:28.220 communicate is this one way. And I'm incapable of dealing and working with people in another way.

00:57:32.660 We're human beings. Of course we are. So I, I really think you need to sit down and you need to say,

00:57:37.720 Hey hon, like you've said these things and you've, you've communicated these things before, but I'm not

00:57:43.720 totally sure you understand how your attitude is perceived by me and the kids. And, and I actually

00:57:51.720 appreciate when you say I'm a bitch, so deal with it. You know what I appreciate? I appreciate that 0.99

00:57:56.160 you're independent. I actually appreciate your conviction about your beliefs. I appreciate

00:58:02.800 your strong will and your belief in X, Y, and Z. I really appreciate that. That's the part of this

00:58:10.480 quote unquote bitchiness that I like that should be celebrated. And I honor. And then there's 0.83

00:58:16.700 the other part that makes me feel like you aren't willing to be a team player and that you aren't

00:58:23.020 willing to lead with me and raising our children. And so I want to talk about that part, but in the

00:58:28.340 meantime, maybe there's just some things that I'm doing on my end that I feel like are advantageous

00:58:33.400 for the family, but you don't think they are. What can I do? Cause look, if you're doing what

00:58:41.460 you need to do, like, so here's a funny example. You don't really too often occasionally, but too

00:58:46.820 often when you look at a, like you look at a husband and wife, like look at their physiques.

00:58:50.800 Their physiques are usually very similar, right? Like look at you and Asia, look at me and Trish,

00:59:00.800 like look, look at the couple's physique. They're usually very, very similar. If occasionally you'll

00:59:07.800 get some differences, but usually they're very, why, why is that the case? Because you guys are just

00:59:14.480 feeding off of each other. So what if you decided to change the dynamic? Would she,

00:59:20.800 respond? Probably. She probably would negatively or positively. If you decided to get off track and

00:59:27.660 be a slob and do whatever, like she would probably respond to that. If you decided, Hey, I'm going to 1.00

00:59:32.480 get on track and me and the kids are going to eat correctly and we're going to get in shape and we're

00:59:37.280 going to start working out. You know what? I think she would be on board with that. I really do.

00:59:41.440 That's why women and men so often look the same. Even their animals look the same. 0.98

00:59:49.100 Like, look at their animal. If they're fat and gross and overweight, their dogs are fat and gross 0.99

00:59:54.980 and overweight. Isn't that wild? That's wild to me. Yeah. But you see a healthy family and the dog 0.99

01:00:00.060 is lean and fit and strong and energetic. How, how can that be? We know why. So you need to start

01:00:07.360 leading, man. You need to start leading. Big Steve 12. Are you okay with this being our last

01:00:15.280 question? Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, no problem. Big Steve 12. How do you get better at listening

01:00:20.160 to your own intuition and knowing the difference between my inner voice versus external noise?

01:00:26.240 I saw this question and it's actually one of my favorite questions today, let alone forever. Like

01:00:32.600 this is, how do you get better at listening to your intuition? I'm a pretty intuitive person

01:00:37.240 personally, like just by, by design by default. I'm pretty, I'm like, no, it doesn't feel right.

01:00:42.900 Don't do it. That feels right. Okay. Go with it. Even when I was baptized, I'm like,

01:00:46.660 I couldn't really give you a strong testimony other than I felt like it was good and right and period.

01:00:52.100 So I've always been a pretty intuitive person by nature. Here's how you get better at it.

01:00:56.460 You act on it and then you evaluate it. So if your intuition is like, Hey, you know what?

01:01:05.840 You really should pursue this woman. Then you should pursue that woman. Hey, you know what? 0.78

01:01:10.220 You should quit your job and pursue this, this hobby. Do it like to a degree. I'm not saying be

01:01:17.180 reckless, but do it to a degree and then have a system in place. This is important. Have a system

01:01:21.840 in place for evaluating the decision. If, if, if you have this intuition of like, you know,

01:01:30.040 I would really like to get into hunting, then you owe it to yourself. And, and from my perspective,

01:01:37.800 God, cause that's God placing these things into your ear or your soul, then you owe it to yourself

01:01:43.600 and God to do it actually. And then you evaluate it. You're like, was that a good decision? Yeah,

01:01:50.200 actually it was, or no, it wasn't because X, Y, and Z. Well, why? Oh, I didn't listen to this,

01:01:54.760 but I did this. And I did listen to my intuition, but I got scared and I changed. Okay. Well,

01:02:00.640 so what do you ask yourself? Here's five simple questions that you can ask yourself.

01:02:06.860 Cause again, it's about acting on it and then evaluating it. So number one, what did I accomplish?

01:02:15.440 What, what did I get done? So my intuition said to do this thing, what did I accomplish?

01:02:20.740 Number two, what didn't I accomplish? My intuition said, follow this and pursue this.

01:02:25.420 Did it work or no? Yes, this worked, but this did not. Number three, what did I do well during that

01:02:32.940 pursuit of that intuition? What went well? Well, I was a great communicator. Well, I really enjoyed

01:02:39.020 this facet of it. And then the fourth question is, what didn't I do so well? Well, I liked this,

01:02:45.000 but I didn't like that. And so you start to discern between what went well and what didn't.

01:02:48.780 And then the fifth question is, what do I do now? Now, what do I do? I've got all this information.

01:02:55.920 I followed my intuition. I know what I got done. I know what I didn't get done. I know what I enjoyed

01:03:00.360 about it. I know what I didn't enjoy about it. And so what do I do now? So let me give you a very

01:03:03.760 tangible example. In 2014, I started a podcast called Wealth Anatomy. And my whole goal was to create

01:03:12.760 some digital marketing in a way that really resonated with me inside of sectors outside

01:03:20.620 of the financial space, which is what I was doing, the financial planning stuff. And I thought, well,

01:03:24.580 I'm going to start this podcast. This would be cool. And so if I was to respond to those questions,

01:03:29.380 what did I get done? Well, I launched the podcast. What didn't I get done? Well, it wasn't as successful

01:03:35.900 as I would have liked it to be. I did pick up some new clients, but it wasn't as successful as I liked it to

01:03:40.340 be. Third question. What did I do? Well, man, I was a really good podcaster from day one. Not that I

01:03:45.940 didn't have room for improvement, but I know I really loved podcasting and I really enjoyed it.

01:03:52.020 And I could ask thoughtful questions and I had the ability to connect with some cool people.

01:03:57.280 What did I not do so well? Well, I really just didn't enjoy talking about finances.

01:04:04.060 Had these conversations like, oh, I have to ask these people about investments in the stock market and

01:04:09.020 saving money. And I don't like that. I'm going to leave that for Dave Ramsey.

01:04:13.640 So what am I going to do now? Well, I liked podcasting. Didn't like talking about money.

01:04:19.460 It's pretty good at it. Why don't I just do another podcast and we'll call it order of man. Now this

01:04:24.920 wasn't an overnight thing. This took several months, but why don't I start another podcast? And here we

01:04:29.500 are 2015. I launched order of man podcast. Here we are seven years later. And it's one of the top

01:04:35.120 podcasts in the world because of what I just told you intuition plus being willing to figure it out

01:04:43.560 and the feedback and evaluating it leads to better results. It always does.

01:04:49.980 Love it. All right. Let's wrap up. I want to do a call out for battle ready. So as many of you guys

01:04:57.260 know, we have the iron council. It's our exclusive brotherhood. And we opened that up on a quarterly

01:05:02.460 basis. It's closed as of now. So that will open back up in roughly about two and a half, three

01:05:09.040 months. But until then, if you're interested in what we do in the iron council and you want to get

01:05:15.080 on a path and maybe even a path of kind of preparing to join us in the IC in a few months, we would

01:05:21.840 highly recommend that you check out our battle ready program. You can go to order of man.com slash

01:05:27.140 battle ready to sign up and do your own version of what it's like to be in the iron council in

01:05:33.520 preparation. And that I think would really set up guys to be successful and help them kind of

01:05:39.640 kickstart into joining us in a, in a couple of months. We we've never done it, but we should

01:05:44.940 actually go in and do like a survey or something for, for how guys feel who joined the iron council,

01:05:52.220 who did do the battle ready program and didn't do it. Yeah. Yeah. We should let's let Kip, let's you

01:05:58.860 and I consider that, but anecdotally I would, I'd be willing to bet and, and I'll put a hundred

01:06:05.340 dollars on the line right now, whether that's to like a charity or something, like I'll do a hundred

01:06:10.620 dollars right now tour. I'll do a thousand dollars. That's even better. I'll do a thousand dollars

01:06:16.440 right now that if the guys who go through battle ready, don't feel subjectively more qualified than

01:06:27.580 the guys who did, I'll, I'll just, I don't know. I'll give a thousand bucks to a chair. I'll do it

01:06:33.020 anyways, but I'm just really curious about what that would look like. Yeah. I bet you're right.

01:06:37.940 Yeah. I bet you're right. Order.com slash battle ready. Check it out guys.

01:06:41.540 Yep. And then connect with Mr. Mickler on the socials at Ryan Mickler. Um, and then of course,

01:06:47.640 uh, bandwidth is also on YouTube, um, for, so you can see, uh, Ryan's, uh, attempt to draw

01:06:54.560 attempt, bro. You've never seen anything like, don't tell me attempt. I know you're going to

01:07:00.980 steal that this afternoon with some of your consulting gigs. I'll be in a consulting and be like,

01:07:06.440 well, you know, this diagram I come up with, look at this thing I thought of. It's amazing.

01:07:11.540 Totally. All right, guys. Great questions today. We'll keep them coming. You keep asking the

01:07:17.200 questions and, uh, we'll be back on Friday until then go out there, take action and become the man

01:07:22.920 you are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take

01:07:27.940 charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order

01:07:32.580 of man.com.

Order of Man - July 13, 2022

Why You Need to Be Different, The True Meaning of Vulnerability, and Finding the Courage to Live Fully ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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