Order of Man - Writing Your Redemption Story

00:00:00.000 We all mess up from time to time and occasionally we lose our way and you might be in the midst of

00:00:06.160 that right now, but if not, there's likely a time in your life, just like I felt that you felt lost

00:00:11.800 and empty and void of maybe any meaning and purpose and fulfillment in your life. And that's

00:00:17.700 exactly what my guest today tank and I talk about. But more importantly than the feeling of despair

00:00:24.200 and hopelessness, we talk about the path to redemption and how it's all within your control.

00:00:30.000 We also cover how best to fight your demons, the shame of victimhood and how to overcome it,

00:00:36.660 finding faith when you don't have any in yourself and ultimately rescuing yourself from drowning in

00:00:43.820 this experience we call life. You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your

00:00:48.740 fears and boldly charge your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time.

00:00:54.360 Every time. You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is

00:01:01.000 your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become at the end of the day. And after all

00:01:06.680 is said and done, you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is

00:01:12.000 Ryan Mickler and I am the host and the founder of this podcast and the Order of Man movement. I want

00:01:17.040 to welcome you here. I'm just going to say this first and foremost. Today's podcast is absolutely

00:01:23.240 incredible. I know I probably say something similar every time that I, that I have a podcast and have

00:01:29.180 a great guest on the, on the, on the show. But this one's different. And you guys are going to hear

00:01:34.180 that here in a minute. I'm going to get to it in a minute and I'm going to introduce my guest, but

00:01:37.380 I'm telling you, if there's only one podcast of mine that you listen to, please make it this one,

00:01:42.460 because this is going to resonate deeply with you, regardless of where you are and how you feel about

00:01:47.180 yourself in life. So again, I'm going to get to that in a minute. If you're new, this is a show

00:01:51.620 dedicated to helping you become a better man. And we do that via these conversations,

00:01:55.760 our iron council, which is our exclusive brotherhood and everywhere else and everything

00:02:00.800 else that we've got going on. So you guys can tune in and tap into that. Please just make sure you

00:02:04.860 subscribe, leave a rating and review for this podcast goes a long way in promoting the visibility.

00:02:09.180 And this one is going to be special. So you'll definitely want to tune into this one. And you'll

00:02:13.660 want to share it with some men who need to hear this, this episode as well, guys, before I get into

00:02:19.060 that, I do want to just make a mention of our battle ready program we've had over. I want to say

00:02:25.240 without looking at it this morning, probably close to 15,000, I would guess men go through this program

00:02:31.400 and the battle ready program is a 30 day course. It's free. It's an email course, and it's all

00:02:36.080 designed to give you the tools and resources that you need to create a battle plan so that you can

00:02:42.500 accomplish fitness goals, financial goals, health goals, relational goals, whatever ambitions and

00:02:50.020 desires you have in your life. This battle ready program is going to walk you through from step A

00:02:54.500 to Z, how to create a plan, how to implement it elements of the plan that you need to thrive.

00:03:00.180 And again, we've had close, I think to 15,000 men go through this program now.

00:03:04.680 And it's amazing to see the transformation of thousands and thousands of men who have gone through

00:03:10.820 this free course. So if you're interested, check it out. It's at order of man.com slash battle ready

00:03:15.740 again, order of man.com slash battle ready. Please check it out. All right, guys, let me introduce you

00:03:21.380 to my guest. I'm very, very excited. This is a friend of mine. We've known each other for years

00:03:27.240 and this podcast and conversation has been a long time in the works. And although tank and I were going

00:03:32.880 to do this years ago, probably four years ago at the time, he just didn't feel like he was in the

00:03:38.700 right place to, to be able to have the type of conversation that would serve you guys, but

00:03:43.000 that's okay. Because now four years later, this is a significantly better podcast than it would

00:03:50.320 have been. And you're going to hear that in the conversation today. Tank is a former Marine.

00:03:54.980 Maybe former is not the right word, right? Once a Marine, always a Marine. He's a quote unquote,

00:03:59.600 what I would say social media influencer, but we're going to get into more of that here shortly in the

00:04:04.200 podcast. And currently he's a police officer in Texas, but more important than that. Tank is

00:04:11.220 someone who self-admittedly has messed up his life. He's burned bridges. He's made mistakes as

00:04:17.460 have we all, but he's on the path to redemption. You're going to hear that. So please guys listen

00:04:21.960 to this episode all the way through, because I know tank story is really going to resonate with you

00:04:26.340 and help you immensely on your own journey. Tank. What's up, brother. I'm glad to see you, man. I know

00:04:32.320 you had like a, I don't know, you were gone off social media for what, two years or so. Was it

00:04:36.740 about that? Yeah, man. I think it's approximately like 22 months or so. Yeah. What was the, what was

00:04:44.220 the reasoning, the logic behind, cause I mean, you had a lot of people who were following you, a lot

00:04:48.220 of people who were inspired by what you were doing. So it just seems like you went, you went AWOL a

00:04:53.200 little bit. I'm sure you had your reasons. I'd like to hear what they are. Yeah, man. Honestly,

00:04:57.140 there were a lot of reasons. Uh, you know, I, first off I got on social media because I was,

00:05:04.620 you know, a veteran who I, I just needed to connect with people and I thought funny,

00:05:09.640 crazy videos would do it. And that's what I was doing. And it was a blast at the time,

00:05:14.020 you know? Uh, then it became like a cesspool of nonsense every day, all day. I started to lose

00:05:19.860 myself. I started to lose my own personal beliefs and things. And then I started to see rumors on the

00:05:25.620 internet about me that I didn't believe in. And that just weren't true. And mind you, uh, there

00:05:31.260 were things that weren't true about me and I had to put myself in check. I had to drop my ego. And I

00:05:36.620 was like, man, those things are true. And those things aren't either way. There shouldn't be

00:05:41.700 something that I find on the internet that is true about me that I'm disgusted at. And so one day I

00:05:47.680 decided to just get off man and really just put my phone down, delete everything, not, you know,

00:05:54.740 not put it on hold Ryan, but delete it. So I don't have a chance to come back on and like

00:05:59.580 feed that little seed. So I just deleted everything, man. I deleted Instagram, my Snapchat and my

00:06:05.700 Facebook. Oh, you know, I was talking to somebody not too long ago and I had, um, close to 300,000

00:06:12.540 people on Instagram. I had around 2 million on Snapchat. It was, I was getting at least 2 million

00:06:19.000 views a week on there. Um, and I think I had around a million on a Facebook. Um, there was a

00:06:25.920 lot of stuff that came with that to include responsibility. And, um, it was just time for

00:06:30.660 me to go, man, deleted it all. What did you, uh, what did you feel like you learned? And then why do

00:06:36.880 you feel like the timing now was right for you to start getting involved and putting yourself out

00:06:42.480 there and sharing what it is you've been sharing over the past several months?

00:06:48.140 Well, what I learned getting off was that, um, I think we spend too much time on our phones

00:06:55.920 and away from the reality of life. You know, when I was a kid, man, 10, 12 years old, I rode bikes

00:07:02.920 every day and I went out and played baseball and I wore myself out and I was tired at school the next

00:07:08.480 day. And then we talked about what we were going to do when we get out of school. It never involved

00:07:13.320 a phone. And, you know, I, I realized that, you know, through my divorce and things that I went

00:07:20.960 through in the past that I'd spent way too much time on my phone and missed too much precious time

00:07:26.080 with my child, you know, and then focusing on my marriage or the people that really mattered to me

00:07:31.540 in my life. Um, and so I look back now and I'm like, man, I spent, I literally spent

00:07:38.380 hours a day wondering what everybody else was doing and how many likes or how many views I was

00:07:44.460 getting on something. And it was, it was a waste of my entire time. And so I had, I'd learned that

00:07:52.600 life was too precious to pass up, especially too precious to be spending time, uh, on a phone or

00:08:00.440 worrying about some app and what people think about me. Uh, so the 22 months was really for me to

00:08:07.580 regroup my mind really to get my heart back in the right place and to really focus on the things

00:08:13.680 that really matter and rebuilding my relationships with my, my family and my closest of friends. I

00:08:20.060 learned a lot during the time. I learned the people who were not really there for me and I learned the

00:08:24.620 people who were there for the right reasons. And you know, as of recent, I think I've only been back

00:08:30.260 on, uh, a few weeks now and the reception has been, man, it's been unbelievable. Yeah. I've seen

00:08:37.040 it. Thousands upon thousands of messages and you know, I I'm a pop now. Uh, not a lot of people know

00:08:45.000 that, you know, until I posted a photo in my uniform. Yeah. I didn't know that until I saw it.

00:08:50.620 I was like, wait, what, what happened? Yeah, man. I went back to that life because I still want to

00:08:56.140 serve. Uh, I still have that like servant's heart. And, um, you, when you say that life,

00:09:01.000 you're talking about the, the uniform life, the service life, is that what you're referring to?

00:09:04.620 Yeah. Yeah. Pretty much. Um, I felt like that I was lost the longest time with no direction.

00:09:10.780 And so, you know, going back to law enforcement, it, it really kept me on my toes and, and it reminded

00:09:17.920 me, I gotta be doing the right thing, you know? So what, what kind of pressured me to get back on

00:09:22.600 was that I had fought all the demons that I had had in my life. And I focused on getting some

00:09:28.180 counseling. I have a good woman in my life. Uh, I've gotten my mind on track, my heart's on track.

00:09:34.660 And, um, you know, I had a conversation with somebody not too long ago and they were like,

00:09:39.640 dude, your story is so great from the things that you've been through as a child, through your

00:09:45.800 military times. And now there's no reason that you shouldn't be on social media showing people

00:09:52.580 that you can dig yourself out of the deepest rut as long as you believe in yourself and you do it

00:09:57.440 the right way. And so one day I thought, man, I'm just going to get back on and just see who I can

00:10:03.320 inspire and see if I can change the path that I was on prior and, and, you know, bring something new

00:10:10.240 to this world. Do you feel like you might slip into old patterns and old habits that might take

00:10:15.940 you down a path that you aren't interested in traveling at this point?

00:10:18.600 Honestly, man, I don't see that at all. You know, as a matter of fact, yesterday I was kind

00:10:25.540 of put to the test a little bit. I posted a picture of my lady and I in the kitchen. She was cooking for

00:10:30.600 me and, uh, people were in my inbox, you know, saying things like, I'll give an example. Some

00:10:36.480 guys said, Hey, what's her Instagram? She's thick. And in the past I would have just lost it.

00:10:41.780 Yeah. I literally just put on there, Hey, it's time to be a gentleman and not a boy anymore. And

00:10:46.800 you know, I let it be. I think what, what's beautiful about taking time to yourself and

00:10:52.060 really just kind of focusing on you and finding yourself and your person. And when you get rid

00:10:57.040 of all the nonsense and the weight that you have on your shoulders and the bullshit persona and you

00:11:01.240 drop your ego, like you're super hard or something, uh, when, when you can just kind of push all that

00:11:07.100 out of the side and you are just make yourself vulnerable in life, you realize that you don't

00:11:12.580 need to do those things to be accepted. Uh, you just, you don't. So I don't see myself going down

00:11:18.900 that path. It's nothing but positivity and, and, and love and friendships and support from me here on

00:11:24.740 out. You know, it's not the old tank that everybody thinks that old guy was depressed. I was drinking all

00:11:30.700 the time and I had lost my way completely, but I feel like I'm found now, man. And I'm back to where I

00:11:36.020 need to be. I mean, I I've noticed a huge change just in your demeanor, in your tone, you know, even

00:11:42.360 just on social media, I, I go through and I take a look at you, the way you, the way you speak, the way

00:11:47.800 you articulate yourself. And it's even your pictures, your smile and your demeanor and just your pictures

00:11:53.380 on Instagram. Like it's different, man. It truly is different. And that's why I was looking forward to

00:11:57.820 having this conversation. Cause I know so many guys are lost there, whether it's, it's drug abuse or,

00:12:04.600 or alcoholism or some sort of trauma or abuse when they were younger, uh, or a job loss, medical

00:12:12.660 problem. Men are really, really having a hard time. And I thought, man, you're a man who just

00:12:18.100 because I know you has gone through some of this and I want to get into it. And yet you've pulling

00:12:22.300 yourself out of that, that despair that you were in. And that's a really inspiring message to people.

00:12:27.600 Right. You know, I think, um, I agree with you. There are, there are millions of men,

00:12:35.300 women going through something personal and where I think a lot of people fail is that hard look in

00:12:42.060 the mirror as who the fuck am I? And what am I here for? Do I want to live my life based on what

00:12:48.280 has happened to me in the past or the things that I've done in the past? Or do I literally want to

00:12:53.220 cut those ties and move on and be as great as I can. And too many people are unwilling

00:12:58.420 to gut check themselves and say, Hey, here's the things that I've done, or here's the things that

00:13:03.880 I've been through. And I'm fucking cutting it the umbilical cord right now. And I'm moving on,

00:13:08.640 or I'm going to let these things control my life for the rest of my life. And I'm going to live

00:13:12.700 under somebody else's or their watch. You know, it's no secret rhyme that I've said it on the

00:13:18.540 internet. And I used to say it because I know that there were people out there hurting and I'm

00:13:21.700 willing to stay here. And right now, because I know hundreds of thousands of people are going

00:13:25.520 to view this and I'm no longer afraid, but man, when I was four and five years old, I was sexually

00:13:30.820 abused. Like it was bad. I was locked in a closet as a child. And you know, it, it took my childhood

00:13:38.880 away from me and it made me think things that are, that are not real. And that was my first struggles

00:13:44.900 in life. And my parents weren't there for me, the people that I needed the most. And so as I'm

00:13:51.620 growing up, I felt like I didn't have a childhood. My, that little boy inside was trying to escape

00:13:57.300 and like find his way. And so as I'm growing up and I'm studying psychology and I'm, I'm in the

00:14:02.500 military and I'm doing all these things. I was trying to find my way still while people were out

00:14:08.040 there and they had already found their way who have never been through struggles. So, you know,

00:14:12.700 when I'm in my twenties and I'm trying to learn how to be a man still and figure things

00:14:17.120 out, man, by the time I got to my thirties, I was fucking depressed. I was drinking. I

00:14:22.660 was on the internet screaming and traveling every day and doing crazy things. And I wasn't

00:14:26.420 being the dad that I needed to be, or the husband at the time that I needed to be, or the friend

00:14:30.340 that I needed to be, the brother, you know? And there are too many times that I just said,

00:14:38.420 man, my past has completely got me and I'm going to let it be in control of me today.

00:14:42.700 You know, I, I really had to get rid of my ego. I really had to accept the fact that I

00:14:50.420 was a victim and that it's okay to be that person, man. It's okay to stumble. It's okay

00:14:56.180 to fall. It's okay to hurt. And it's okay to go through those hardships, but it is not

00:15:00.440 fucking okay. Ryan, to let those things hold you back from being as beautiful as you can

00:15:05.360 be in the future. And I feel like there are too many men and too many women out there that

00:15:09.960 just don't hear it enough that they're worth it and they're special. And it's okay to go

00:15:14.480 through those rough times. And we all think that we are in control, but we're not. And

00:15:18.920 it's not until we grasp onto somebody or something that literally proves to us that we can come

00:15:25.100 out of the darkest places that sometimes we can't take that step ourselves. And that's

00:15:30.000 why I thought it was important to come back on the internet and say, Hey man, not only have

00:15:35.180 I been through a really abusive childhood where I feel like I didn't have a chance to

00:15:39.880 be a little boy. I've also been more and I've experienced the rigors of that. I've also

00:15:47.280 been in law enforcement and I, a lot of crazy things all the time out here. I've been through

00:15:52.840 a divorce. You know, I've lost full custody of my child. I've been through a lot and here

00:15:58.200 I am more positive now than I've ever been. And it's because one day I finally said, I'm

00:16:03.320 done being that person. I'm done letting those, those chains bind me down to that one

00:16:09.300 thing. And that one reason in my life. And I got them cut and here I am, man. And I feel

00:16:14.400 like I'm on top of the world and everybody else out there needs to know like that opportunity.

00:16:19.160 You have that choice to clear your head, take the time for yourself and get yourself figured

00:16:25.180 out.

00:16:26.340 That's a, I mean, that's a powerful message. I know when we talked yesterday, because we

00:16:31.100 wanted to kind of address what it is we wanted to go over and cover and what we thought would

00:16:34.800 be beneficial for people to hear. You talked about being a victim and you talked about the

00:16:41.540 shame that you had with that as well. And so you buried it because you didn't, and I'm

00:16:47.380 not going to put words in your mouth. I want to turn the time to you and talk about that

00:16:49.920 because I think there is obviously a lot of shame that comes from that and people don't

00:16:53.960 ever deal with it.

00:16:56.020 They don't. Yeah. You hit it on the head, man. Shame is exactly what you feel. You know,

00:17:03.160 I, I remember those moments. They'll, they'll never leave my mind. And the shame that you

00:17:11.240 feel growing up thinking that you weren't able to defend yourself and what you wanted was

00:17:19.000 defend you themselves. I needed back then was somebody to defend me and stand up for

00:17:25.860 me. And I didn't get that. So I've literally grown up my entire life defending myself, you

00:17:31.600 know, 16, 17 years old. I'm fist fighting people all the time because I feel like they're

00:17:36.300 talking about me or I joined the military and I'm like, I got to be a black belt instructor

00:17:40.300 because I got to be, I got to make it to the top and I got to do this and I got to do

00:17:44.480 that. You know, I've got to have, I got to be with this many women a year to be. And

00:17:50.100 what I was doing was just drowning myself in that shame. I was drowning myself with no

00:17:55.740 faith, thinking that I was never going to amount to anything because everything that

00:18:00.680 I was supposed to be was taken from me. So instead, man, I just decided that that day

00:18:06.920 when I deleted everything and I had a good woman walk in my life, I just thought, I don't

00:18:12.380 want to be this person no more. I don't want to let these things hold me back. And there

00:18:17.560 is no shame in crying like a man. And there's no shame in letting people know the things that

00:18:24.000 you've been through, because I truly believe a real leader in this world, especially in

00:18:28.820 this lifetime, is one who is willing to put himself out there and be so absolutely vulnerable

00:18:35.140 that you literally just open your heart to everybody and let everybody know everything

00:18:42.120 about you that has hurt you your entire life. Whether it hurts you or not, I think it's like

00:18:48.440 you rebuilding yourself because there are other people who are going, I've been through that

00:18:53.320 and I've never known how to deal with it. And if he's willing to give his side and tell

00:18:58.980 the world that he's been through this, then why can't I? I can release these demons and these

00:19:03.680 shackles that hold me down. You know, we were talking the other day and I told you, I think

00:19:09.180 it was a little over two years ago, I had a Marine Sergeant major reach out to me after

00:19:13.320 I had online, I'd been abused as a kid and I was no longer going to let that hold me back.

00:19:19.160 And he said, I wanted you to know that I was raped multiple times when I was a child, but

00:19:23.780 I've never let that go. And tonight, after watching your live feed, I'm going to go tell

00:19:29.120 my wife what I've experienced. Dude, like that. I mean, I'm getting emotional saying

00:19:36.360 that because if you think about it, Ryan, there's not too many people out there who are

00:19:41.120 willing to just give it all and just say, this is me. And imagine if everybody was like

00:19:46.820 that and they were really in it for the right reason. How many people's lives could you change

00:19:51.320 with the words that come out of your mouth? And not only that, but by the actions of you

00:19:55.260 backing that up, by being there for a person, I can't be there for everybody. I can't, you

00:20:01.520 know, I got thousands of messages and I want to reach out to every one of them, but I can't.

00:20:06.080 But the fortunate thing is, is I can by being vulnerable and just continuing to tell my story

00:20:11.540 of why I failed and now why I'm so strong and I'm back.

00:20:17.860 Do you, do you, I really appreciate you sharing that. I know it's, I know that's a hard thing.

00:20:21.420 Um, it must be still right. Yeah. Do you think, do you think there's a, there's any potential

00:20:28.300 downside with this level of vulnerability? Are there fears that you have, uh, whether you're

00:20:33.960 exposing yourself to people who, I don't know, maybe take advantage of it or not fully appreciated

00:20:39.600 or, or use it as a, uh, uh, you maybe even as a step stool. You know what I mean? I don't know

00:20:46.020 what that would look like. I'm just wondering if there's a negative side of something that people

00:20:49.780 ought to be aware of when it comes to expressing some of these things as well.

00:20:53.700 Yeah, absolutely, man. Because sometimes when you express yourself, you start to think like,

00:20:58.660 was, was that actually worth it? Like, I mean, Oh, Oh God, is somebody going to think any different

00:21:04.980 of me? But here's the deal. Life isn't about being weak. It's about being strong. So if you make a

00:21:10.940 decision, just stick to it and be strong about it. You don't have to always share with everybody,

00:21:16.040 everything. But if you just want to give somebody a bit and a piece of who you are,

00:21:20.540 then do it because you don't know if that person needs that bit and piece of you to complete that

00:21:24.520 puzzle that they've never been able to complete. And you might be that person that does that for

00:21:29.500 them. So, you know, I see it sometimes it could be a downfall and I'm not out there spreading the

00:21:36.180 gospel of what I've been through with everybody all the time. Uh, I don't do that anymore, but I do

00:21:41.820 to people who reach out to me and they say, Hey man, I'm hurting and here's what I'm going through.

00:21:46.800 I try to take the time and tell them, here's what I've been through and here's how I worked on it.

00:21:50.800 It might be something that's beneficial to you and it might not be, but I think a lot of people

00:21:56.120 who struggle these days, Ryan, uh, simply need somebody to just talk to or somebody just lean

00:22:02.080 on, maybe just a shoulder to cry on, man. And it may not be me that you're able to do that with,

00:22:07.180 but it's gotta be somebody. And I promise you when, when they're able to do that,

00:22:10.680 it's literally like releasing a thousand pounds of weight off of their shoulder, man.

00:22:15.760 It's a, it's enlightening. Yeah, I bet. Well, you know, and one of the things I'm hearing you say

00:22:19.980 too, is there's a reason for it. And the motive from my perspective is pure. You know, I see a lot

00:22:25.560 of people who are fake on social media and you know, we all put a little bit of a persona out there,

00:22:31.440 right? Cause that's, you know, part of the deal, but I see so many fake people and they're using

00:22:36.800 victimhood, whether it's real or not, they're using victimhood as scoring some sort of credibility

00:22:44.360 points. And, but, but what you're doing is different. You're not using it to get attention,

00:22:50.700 which is what most people seem to be doing these days. Yeah, not at all. You're doing it to help

00:22:55.440 people like to genuinely put yourself out there so that you can serve other people. And that motive

00:23:00.320 is pure, which I think keeps the idea of expressing vulnerability more powerful than just

00:23:06.720 using it as a tool to wield control over people. Right. I agree. I don't care if somebody wants

00:23:13.220 to hear it or not. Um, I've already, you know, I've been that guy that just, I just, I just wanted a

00:23:19.880 following or whatever, you know, I've done that in the past and it's a dude, it is literally a dark pit

00:23:24.840 and nobody cares where I'm at in my life today is like, uh, if I wanted attention from that,

00:23:31.440 I would continue to tell a sob story all the time because people just buy into that.

00:23:36.580 You just see me smile out there doing my workouts with my girl, with my kid. I'm out there with,

00:23:41.480 with kids in the community that I've been putting on the internet or whatever. And I haven't one time

00:23:46.460 since I've been back on, even spoken of my childhood or anything that I've gone through in the past.

00:23:52.000 I think a lot of people already know what I've been through and I just want to show them through

00:23:56.420 photos and video and me just being positive that sometimes it's worth like getting rid of those

00:24:02.720 things and just moving on. You're right, man. There's a lot of, of fake bullshit on the internet

00:24:09.180 and social media. And, um, I know quite a few people who portray to be one way and that aren't.

00:24:17.160 And, uh, you know, I'll be the first to say, man, I'm telling you right now for everybody that's

00:24:22.460 going to watch this. Uh, I had been that person at one point too. And when you are that person at

00:24:28.320 one point, it's easy for you to point out the type of people who are doing that. Right. You see

00:24:33.100 the tactics, right? 100% man. I, I look back now and I'm like, I remember doing that. And I remember

00:24:39.500 the reason why I did it. And I'm like, they're doing that. And I know why you're doing it. And

00:24:44.360 I'm not going to be a part of that. And I don't want anything to do with you. I see it all the

00:24:48.440 time, man. And it's because people want to chase some clout per se, uh, or they want to chase a

00:24:54.460 higher, a higher ranking on social media or whatever the word or the verbiage is that they

00:24:59.860 would like to use. They want that blue check or whatever it is, right? They do. And you know,

00:25:05.220 the crazy thing is Ryan is eventually they're going to crash and burn just like I did. And it's going

00:25:10.400 to be the hardest wake up call. And then they're really going to find out what they're going to have

00:25:14.460 to be worth. Uh, once, once they take that ride, you know? Well, I think the problem is

00:25:19.640 let's say you're chasing social media fame or a number of followers or whatever. And look,

00:25:25.600 we all get it. I get into it, you know, I fall and I know, but I know it's a trap and yet I still

00:25:30.060 fall into it. But when is enough enough? Never. Like that's a, that's a, that's a cup that can never

00:25:35.540 be filled. You know, when I have a hundred thousand, when I have half a million, when I have a million,

00:25:41.280 when I'm making this much money, these are all cups that can never be filled. And we miss out

00:25:46.080 on so much of, of life. You know, like I, your, your son's probably, probably close to my oldest

00:25:52.680 son's at my oldest son's 12. How old is your son? My boy just turned 14, 14. So I knew he was close.

00:25:59.220 Yeah. Like, I mean, look, if that's what you're chasing, there's things that you're never going to

00:26:03.640 get back. You know, your, your boy's out of the house in the next four to five years. Mine's the

00:26:08.160 next five to six years. And it's done, man. It's over. Like, yeah, you'll still have a relationship,

00:26:13.600 but not like we do now, not the opportunities we do now.

00:26:17.800 No, not at all, man. And I look back now and I regret so many things and so many,

00:26:22.620 so much of the time that I missed. And I, I'm like, what, what can I do to make up for that time?

00:26:29.320 Absolutely nothing. So the only thing for me to do now is just to try to be the best dad that I can be

00:26:34.380 provide in any way that I can and just be there. I just want to show up, you know? And, um, you know,

00:26:41.840 you were talking about chasing a cloud and it never being enough. I see guys who do the internet

00:26:47.900 media really well. And then I see guys who really don't. And there is such a huge difference in those

00:26:56.040 people that I've hung out with. I'll give you an example of somebody that does the internet right.

00:26:59.900 Okay. That says what they mean, mean what they say. And they're always like,

00:27:04.960 they are some of the salt of the earth is, you know, who Neil is the owner of ready gunner.

00:27:10.540 Yeah, of course. Yeah. I know Neil very well. I've, I've hung out with Neil probably a hundred times.

00:27:16.540 You know, I used to at one point consider him one of my closest friends. He was like my calm,

00:27:20.860 like dude, he was the calm in the storm in my head. I stayed with him maybe two and a half,

00:27:27.260 three years ago. He and his, he and his wife buff cookie. Um, I stayed at their house in Utah one

00:27:32.400 time and I'm down in the basement and I was going through a divorce and some other things that it

00:27:38.140 just wasn't good for me. And I got on a live feed and I was just crying. Literally, if, if somebody

00:27:43.600 was staying at my house and they're on a live feed crying and talking about things that they're going

00:27:48.320 through, I'm like, this person needs to leave. Okay. That's probably how I'd be feeling. Right.

00:27:53.020 Neil comes down and sits on the floor with me and he just talks me literally like I'm off the ledge

00:27:59.420 or something. He just talks me off. It's like, I'm here for you. Well, when I'd gotten off of social

00:28:04.520 media, um, I didn't talk to Neil hardly maybe like once every nine months, but I did that to

00:28:11.280 everybody. I deleted everyone's numbers. I changed my phone number. I did that so I could just focus

00:28:16.020 on me. Neil and I have gone right back to where we started, but it's way stronger now and where

00:28:23.640 Neil does it right is he's not on his phone 24 seven. He balances his wife life, his dad life

00:28:31.600 in his business life correctly. And he never, I've never heard him talk negatively about anybody else

00:28:38.700 or ask, how can I be better than this person? Hmm. He has done it right. So he is a prime and

00:28:45.320 he is the example of who I would like to be as a human being one day, uh, when it comes to just

00:28:50.940 friends. And, you know, I've got a multitude of people who are like that. You know, I say multitude,

00:28:56.080 but I mean like in mom on my hand, right? People that I don't want to be like, but the point,

00:29:00.260 the point I'm making is Neil told me one time, and this has stuck with me forever. He looked me in my

00:29:06.320 eye and he said, tank, persistency will get you there and consistency will keep it. Hmm. And I

00:29:13.240 thought about that and man, it was like a light bulb just went off. I have been inconsistent my

00:29:21.060 entire life. I'm up and I'm down and I'm up and I'm down. I need to just cut everything out of my

00:29:25.780 life and start over. So Neil has a huge part to do with that. Um, Dakota Meyer does a little bit as

00:29:31.420 well. Uh, but, um, I just, I think it's important, um, to find a balance in your life. And I think

00:29:39.020 it's important to also latch onto somebody that, that is a prime example of who you want to be or

00:29:45.380 what you want to be like in your life. And you don't have to just be just like them, but just

00:29:49.640 bring some type of example. It's sometimes it's good to just walk in the footsteps of another person

00:29:54.680 in the snow because it keeps you from stepping on landmines. If you get what I'm saying.

00:29:58.760 Yeah. Yeah, for sure. So man, he's been, he's been a good example of that. Um, I don't know if

00:30:03.940 I just got off track a little bit, just, uh, you know, not at all. We can, man, we can talk about

00:30:07.560 whatever we want so we can go any way we want. Actually, I do want to talk with you about kind of

00:30:12.340 getting off track a little bit on, on, on that theme. You talked about ups and downs and I know I've got

00:30:19.880 people in my life who are, we'll use the word intense and I'm not, I tend not to be like that.

00:30:27.440 I'm pretty even keel. Like, I mean, I have, I get passionate and excited about things, but I'm,

00:30:31.660 you know, I'm pretty level, but I have friends who are intense and so their highs are high and

00:30:36.980 their lows are crashes. And they're just like bouncing back and forth up and down, up and down

00:30:42.260 is, do you, would you describe that as your personality? And if that's the case, then how do you

00:30:48.520 level some of that stuff off? So the highs maybe aren't quite so high and the lows aren't quite

00:30:52.760 so low, man, you, that is, that is a damn good question, brother. Um, I, I used to be that person

00:31:01.720 and I think everybody knew that, man, there'd be one day where I'm jumping out of a helicopter

00:31:05.820 and I'm like cloud nine and everything's great. Or I was, I was jumping in water, jumping on

00:31:10.360 alligators, catching them with my hand. And then the next day I'd be crying and sobbing my eyes out

00:31:14.520 and I'm pounding out a Bud Light, trying to figure my life out. Yeah. Had the highest of

00:31:19.160 the highs and the lowest of the lows. And I'll tell you the only thing that taught me to balance

00:31:25.200 that for one, I started to get my faith back. Um, Victor Marks was a preacher who literally was in

00:31:31.760 my ear, took me to a hotel room in Oklahoma city, put his hands on me and told me like, I'm going to

00:31:37.400 be here for you no matter what. So I started to follow him as an example of a dad and a husband.

00:31:42.680 And then I started to collect all this data. My buddy, Mark Shelton here in Arlington, Texas,

00:31:47.840 uh, um, where he lives. I go and I visit him and he's kind of like my mentor. So when I'm feeling

00:31:55.000 like something might be off, I call him, he gives me the good word. My buddy coffee Anderson, who I

00:32:00.040 think a lot of people know if I need some like faith in my life, coffee will whip it right back

00:32:04.740 into me. So what I did was, is I, I stopped listening to the people who had highs and had lows and I stopped

00:32:10.420 trying to be there so much for everybody else. And I started just trying to be there for me.

00:32:15.840 The problem was is that I didn't love myself enough or think that I was worthy of something

00:32:20.380 to have an even kill. So I was just letting myself bounce like a slinky. But when I started adding

00:32:25.920 those people in my life that gave me that fine balance of things, it started to allow me to learn

00:32:32.120 what that balance should be. And when I started following their example in their lead, I went from

00:32:37.180 here and I started to edge back down and then I hit it right here. Got a good woman in my life.

00:32:42.080 I stayed on the straight line. My relationship started to build back on my son. I didn't have

00:32:46.080 social media and bullshit in my ear. My girlfriend didn't have any social media or anything going on

00:32:50.780 in her ear. There were people like Rich, the owner of Rockwell who would call me and say, Hey,

00:32:55.920 I just wanted to tell you today that I love you. And it was a reminder. It was that day that I might've

00:33:00.240 needed that. And then it would be random. And then what had happened was is when that line started to

00:33:05.660 pan out, I started to see all the people who were in my life prior that were keeping me on that

00:33:11.980 rollercoaster. Interesting. And then I started to see the people when I hit this line, I started to

00:33:16.720 see the people who should have been there the entire time and who will remain in my life for

00:33:21.860 the rest of my life. They're the ones who keep me on that even kill. You know, it's like that heart

00:33:26.200 rate monitor, man. You go in there and you've been through a bunch of shit and your heart's going

00:33:30.280 fluctuating, but then you get your mom in the hospital with you and she's holding your hand.

00:33:34.620 And it's that, it's that level of like love and appreciation and just the reminder that you're

00:33:40.480 worth it. That started to pan me out, man. Just like that, that monitor. That's interesting.

00:33:47.020 It's because I got off of social media completely. I didn't have any bullshit to look at or pay

00:33:52.600 attention to. And then I deleted everybody's number out of my phone that I really just didn't feel like

00:33:57.760 was there at the time or that would have added to me helping myself. And then I put like five strong

00:34:04.260 men and a couple really strong women in my life. And dude, it took me from being that high and that

00:34:10.220 low and put me right back on track. And I'm not looking back since.

00:34:15.160 Yeah. I'm glad you said that because I had written down here, you said initially you were talking about

00:34:20.140 faith and in the context you talked about it initially, you weren't, I don't think you were

00:34:23.600 talking about spiritual faith. I think initially earlier in our conversation, you were talking faith

00:34:28.180 in yourself, like faith that you could do this, faith that you could get better, faith that you

00:34:33.220 could improve. And it sounds like part of the answer to the question I wanted to ask is having

00:34:37.220 the right people. But the question I was going to pose was how did you develop even the slightest

00:34:44.080 amount of faith in yourself when you had a track record that may be suggested otherwise to you?

00:34:50.640 Like, how is it that you thought to yourself, I can do this when everything in the past may have

00:34:56.740 pointed to no, you can't man. Let me just take a break. I hate to do that, but I do just want to

00:35:03.260 make a mention because we need to keep the lights on. We need to keep the momentum going. And one way

00:35:08.800 that we do that here with the order of man podcast is we've got our merchandise store. We've stocked up

00:35:14.480 for the winter and holidays with new hoodies and windbreakers and beanies, hats, shirts. And of course,

00:35:20.100 we've got a new supply of our best-selling 12 week battle planner, not only for you, but also a

00:35:25.360 children's version of the battle planner as well. So if you want to support what we're doing here

00:35:30.160 with order of man and let people know where you stand, you're going to look good in the process.

00:35:34.080 And also you're going to pick up some tools in the 12 week battle planner that are going to help you

00:35:37.980 thrive in your life. Then I would encourage you to check out the order of man store. You can do that

00:35:42.200 at store.orderofman.com. Again, it's store.orderofman.com. Get your merchandise, look good, get your gifts,

00:35:50.100 get your holiday shopping done early and get it all taken care of at store.orderofman.com.

00:35:56.080 I do appreciate the support. I appreciate the pictures I see with guys who pick up the merchandise

00:36:00.940 and it goes a long way in making sure that not only do we keep the lights on, but we keep spreading

00:36:05.840 this mission to reclaim and restore masculinity. Again, store.orderofman.com. Do that after the show,

00:36:11.760 but please listen to the rest of this conversation with Tank. Wow. That's, that's another really good

00:36:19.900 question, man. Sometimes in life, you just got to either nut up or shut the fuck up, you know?

00:36:27.840 And there were too many times that I just thought I was actually being about it, but I wasn't really

00:36:33.120 about it. Unless you're really willing to go all in 100% or nothing at all, you'll never find that.

00:36:40.580 You'll never find that peace in your mind. You'll never find your heart rate going down.

00:36:45.540 And I was, again, too focused on everybody else and what everything else was going on around me

00:36:51.520 instead of just saying, I'm going to do it. And it goes back to Neil saying,

00:36:55.660 persistence will get you there. Consistency will keep it. So I spent 22, 23 months of my life being

00:37:01.460 consistent every day, waking up on time, started to make my bed again. Okay. I started to go to the gym

00:37:08.220 and train every day. I went through a police academy. I graduated number one in the academy

00:37:12.840 as the class president. I was top honored. Yeah. And I just, it was every day doing the exact same

00:37:20.000 thing. And it started to get me to where I wanted to be. And, you know, I see all these guys that

00:37:25.360 talk about it all the time, you know, Dakota and Jocko and Neil and, and there, there's just a mound

00:37:30.640 of people, David Doggins, so on and so forth. I didn't really focus on all the things that they were

00:37:35.340 saying because I was completely off of the internet, but they're winners. The winners are

00:37:40.280 the people who are consistent every day. They wake up and they do the same thing every day. And they

00:37:43.900 focus on themselves and the beauty of life and where they want to be instead of focusing on,

00:37:49.600 Oh, what is this person? And then, and then this, and you're just shooting a bunch of fucking arrows

00:37:53.020 trying to hit one target. Yeah. Like you're doing it blindly. So I just one day woke up and said,

00:37:59.840 I'm going to wake up every day and have the exact same routine. I'm going to show up to my

00:38:03.940 appointments on time. I'm going to write down the things that I'm supposed to write down.

00:38:07.420 I'm going to go to work on time, or I'm going to train every day on time and I'm going to be

00:38:10.880 good to this person. And I'm going to find my way again. And I think that it was the consistency

00:38:16.780 that allowed me to, uh, to stay on track. You seem, you know, that system and that routine

00:38:23.720 seems really valuable. And you see it like from, from the outside looking in, I look at your experience

00:38:28.260 as a Marine. You seem to me like you were probably an amazing, amazing Marine. You take that same

00:38:33.320 discipline and you apply it with the police department. Uh, why, why did you, why did you

00:38:40.200 leave the Marine Corps? It seemed like, I don't, again, I'm not, I don't want to put words in your

00:38:44.080 mouth, but it seems to me like you thrived in that environment. I'm really curious as to why you

00:38:49.140 decided to leave or maybe that wasn't the case. I don't know. I don't know the situation.

00:38:53.580 I left. Yeah. Um, I left right at just, I think a month shy of 13 years. Um, I was, I was getting

00:39:02.680 promoted to gunny and, uh, and one day I just said enough was enough. I went on a deployment. I had a

00:39:09.520 really crappy deployment. I came back and I wasn't home, but a few days and I ended up having to go

00:39:15.160 back overseas. And I remember it like it was yesterday. I, my little boy says, he said, dad,

00:39:20.300 are you going to be at my baseball games? And I said, yeah, I'm going to be there for sure.

00:39:24.740 Well, a few nights later, Hey, you got to go back. And I'm like, what changed my whole

00:39:31.860 persona, changed my whole thought process. When I had to go and wake up my son and tell him,

00:39:36.820 dad's got to go to the airport. It was like, he had a seizure, Ryan. He, he literally shook

00:39:42.760 and he cried on control of me and he couldn't get his thoughts together. And that changed my life,

00:39:47.700 man. I started to realize that my time with my child was more important than my time with my

00:39:53.140 wife at the time was more important than, than like trying to play hero. And I had an incredible

00:39:59.080 career, man. Uh, I had been meritoriously promoted three times. I was combat meritoriously promoted

00:40:05.580 on the spot in Ramadi, Iraq, uh, by general Dunford himself, who was our former chairman of the joint

00:40:12.000 chief of staff. I have nothing but respect for that man. Um, he actually wrote me a personal

00:40:18.820 letter of recommendation, uh, to the police chiefs and told the story, uh, of something that I had

00:40:25.220 done in Iraq. We won't get into that, but, um, uh, I'm obviously no hero, but, uh, we had some crazy

00:40:32.660 shit go down and some stuff happened in general Dunford just so happened to be rolling up at the

00:40:37.460 time of it going down. And so he wrote me a really beautiful letter and it helped me out obviously.

00:40:42.700 But, um, you know, I, I thought it was just time, man. I tell everybody this, Ryan, I just talked about

00:40:50.480 it the day before yesterday. I had talked to a guy who reached out to me, said that he was

00:40:54.300 contemplating suicide and I told him life is like a book and every step of stage of our life, we are

00:41:03.780 writing our chapters and you get rid of a chapter and then you move on to the next one. You know,

00:41:09.540 it can be three years that you're stuck in that chapter until your, your next one comes. But what

00:41:13.540 tends to happen to many people is they try to stay stuck in that chapter because it was either a

00:41:18.360 beautiful time in their life, like college, right? It was either a shitty time in their life that drags

00:41:22.880 them down until you're able to really like move out of that chapter and move on to the next chapter.

00:41:28.000 You never know how beautiful that new chapter may be in your life.

00:41:31.460 Hmm. At the end of that book, it says the end that is death. Do you want that book to be written

00:41:37.940 the end with every chapter being the same because you decided to stay on that one fucking chapter

00:41:42.940 the entire time? No, you don't. So the beautiful part about a good book is knowing that in every

00:41:49.640 chapter is something different, something beautiful or something that, that you're going to be able to

00:41:54.060 connect to. And there's too many people that ride that same chapter of their life and there's no

00:42:00.740 ending to their book and they're never, they're never able to complete it. So nobody receives

00:42:06.620 anything from it when that day comes for them to leave the face of this earth. I've told people

00:42:11.940 many times, you die one time, but you get a chance to live every day until that moment. You have to

00:42:16.600 continue to write your chapters and you have to close them out and you have to continue to move on.

00:42:21.000 If you don't, you'll be a stalemate. Nobody will have never learned anything or gathered any data

00:42:26.140 from you as a human being by their time to write their next chapter.

00:42:31.780 That's really powerful, man. I've never heard it put like that, but that is really, really powerful

00:42:36.120 that like, I even think about that even as a, a father, you know, I, and we were talking about

00:42:41.100 it a minute ago, as I, as I see my son get older and him getting closer to leaving and I have other

00:42:45.140 children as well. And I think, you know, at some point they'll be gone and I actually don't look

00:42:49.180 forward to that day. But at the same time, I also look forward to at some point being a grandfather

00:42:55.000 and being with my wife, just her and I, and us being able to travel and do things. So,

00:43:01.100 you know, closing a chapter can be painful, but there has to be some level of hope and optimism

00:43:06.920 for the next chapter. There's hope and optimism and there's beauty in it too, Ryan. You go hunting

00:43:12.420 with your son, right? You just did it the other day. Right. Well, eventually, eventually you're going

00:43:17.360 to be hunting with your grandbaby. Yeah, exactly. That's the beauty of that chapter that closed,

00:43:21.660 man, because that never ends. That never ends. You have a memory in that chapter. You moved on

00:43:26.700 to the next one. And then your job as a grandfather is to make sure you're still trying to help your

00:43:32.000 son stay in check to be a good dad himself and a good husband to his wife. But you also have a new

00:43:38.280 chapter of becoming the best damn grandfather that you can be. You're teaching your grandbaby,

00:43:43.100 hey, this is what Papaw is here for right now. And I want you to gather that data and I want you to

00:43:49.060 read the end of all the way through my book until the end. And he's going to take some of you and

00:43:54.840 he's going to write that in one of his chapters. And that's how your lineage passes on from human

00:44:00.440 being to human being. And that's how we continue with good bloodlines, man, is we do the consistency

00:44:06.380 of I finished this chapter. I moved to the next. Here's the beauty of it. And here's what I got out of

00:44:12.360 it. And here's what I want you to learn from it. And now I'm on to the next. I say, you know,

00:44:16.540 I'm thinking hopefully I live to be a hundred years old, right? Hopefully there's a hundred

00:44:20.380 chapters in my book. But unfortunately I've spent too much fucking time and too much effort worrying

00:44:25.920 about everybody else that I have a chapter of about four years of just bullshit and drama that's

00:44:30.700 stuck in that book. But the beautiful part about the next chapter that was to come after that one

00:44:36.560 is that it's called, I'm going to call it lessons learned in my head. Here's the things that I would

00:44:42.280 do and that I would never do again. And here's the chapter that you're going to be able to find

00:44:46.180 that in. And that's how you read me.

00:44:49.920 That's, I actually, I really liked the concept of you being in somebody else's book

00:44:56.680 as, as a positive or a negative, right? Like you, you could be in somebody else's book and that

00:45:03.100 could be a shitty chapter for them, or you could be in somebody else's book and that could be the

00:45:06.980 most beautiful chapter for them. Dude, let me tell you something. I want to bring up a story and I

00:45:12.480 haven't talked about this man for the longest time, but I'm going to bring it up. Uh, anyway,

00:45:18.460 when I first got on social media, there's a guy, his name is Wes Whitlock. He's the owner of Rogue

00:45:22.700 American Apparel. Yeah. Yeah. I know of Wes. I got introduced to Wes. I got introduced to Wes.

00:45:27.640 One of the biggest men that I've ever seen. I looked up to Wes just because of his strength,

00:45:31.980 his mental capacity was strong. I came into a shop and I was a loud mouth, punk ass dude.

00:45:38.480 I just got out of the Marines, thought my shit didn't stink, blah, blah, blah. I'm playing that

00:45:41.820 pro vet card and everything else. Right? So I went in there, I'm screaming, I'm making videos and

00:45:46.740 everything else. And I'm, what I was doing was, and I didn't realize this at the time because I had an

00:45:51.960 ego. I was running business for him. I was representing his company, helping him or whatever I thought I

00:45:59.680 was doing. When in actuality, I was making him look stupid. I was making him look dumb because he

00:46:05.620 was supporting somebody that shouldn't be there. And so in the end, it was like, what am I doing?

00:46:12.260 I don't think Wes likes me to this day. And honestly, I really could care less, but I don't

00:46:17.160 dislike Wes. And I'll tell you why I don't dislike Wes, because Wes has been consistent.

00:46:22.260 I haven't been. Wes deserved better of a friend and he's built a business and he's doing his thing.

00:46:31.340 In the end, the way that I see it is this, like Wes cut me completely out of his life.

00:46:37.500 I heard a couple of things over the internet or whatever, and I don't hear anything anymore.

00:46:41.680 And it doesn't matter, but Wes was doing it right. Okay. So Wes cut me out of his life,

00:46:46.720 whatever the case may be. Um, I was a part of Wes's chapter in the book that he's writing

00:46:53.980 for his future of this is who the fuck you do not need to be. And this is why it's bad juju to

00:47:01.600 hang out with somebody like this. I respect that chapter of Wes's book. And I respect that. And I

00:47:08.420 respect him as a man. And what I was doing for the longest time was like, Oh, I heard somebody said

00:47:14.780 to him about me and I was blaming them for saying something about me when in reality it's because

00:47:22.060 of me. I'm the one who was doing all the dumb shit and thinking like, Oh, this and that. And I,

00:47:27.800 you know what, if you don't like me for who I am, then fuck you. I used to say that all the time.

00:47:31.960 No, man, you got to respect people. You got to respect people's businesses. You got to respect the

00:47:37.260 things that during that they're doing in their lives. And if they kick you out of it, it's because of

00:47:41.260 a reason. Any drama that you or anybody else has come in your life today is because of something

00:47:47.740 that you did. Not anybody else. Nobody just talks shitty about you because, you know, I just feel

00:47:55.400 like picking that guy today. You know what? Right. I'm fucking dumb. You did something dumb. You need

00:47:59.780 to be put in check, man. Unless you're willing to really put yourself in check, you're going to be a

00:48:05.260 part of somebody's chapter that's going to be shit. Now, here's the beautiful thing. If I go down there

00:48:10.220 and I say, Hey, Wes, I just want to give you a hug and tell you that I'm sorry for being that

00:48:15.500 fucking guy that I shouldn't have been and you didn't deserve it. Three to four years down the

00:48:21.080 road, there's going to be a new chapter where he says, this is how you should be as a man by

00:48:26.020 apologizing, accepting your mistakes, taking responsibility for your actions and moving on.

00:48:34.060 That's being written in somebody else's book or somebody else's chapter is it can be good or bad,

00:48:39.100 but it should always be the best in the ending. Yeah. And the power that we have to redeem

00:48:44.600 ourselves. Have you, uh, have you done that with, and I'm not saying Wes necessarily, but have you

00:48:49.360 done that with other people that you feel like maybe you've burned a bridge or that you've caused

00:48:54.300 some real problems in, in relationships? Have you gone back now through the last couple of years and

00:48:59.620 tried to make amends to the best of your ability? And granted, like you, you can't force them to

00:49:04.240 and accept an apology, but you can put it out there. I'm curious how that got, how that's gone

00:49:09.680 for you, man. You know what I have recently, I've actually reached out to a few people, Dakota being

00:49:16.820 one of them. Uh, I went down South and, uh, hung out with Dakota for about 30 minutes. And I just told

00:49:22.760 him that I loved him and he deserved a better friend. Um, I was on the drinking bros podcast not

00:49:28.560 too long ago. And, uh, they had asked me, why'd you leave black rifle coffee? I said, because they

00:49:33.800 deserve better. They deserve better. They deserve a better me. I was being somebody that I shouldn't

00:49:39.660 have been and they got it right. I didn't. So if I'm going to be a man about it, I need to bow out

00:49:46.280 and say, I need to change. You know, they deserve more. They're good people. They were treating me

00:49:51.740 with the utmost respect and they gave me everything that I needed. Why wasn't I able to give that in

00:49:56.700 return? Cause I wasn't loving myself, man. I couldn't figure myself out here. So how can I

00:50:01.440 figure things out with other people? It just wasn't working right. But I have taken the time

00:50:06.100 out to, um, reach out to a few people and tell them I burned you, man. And you, I owe you the

00:50:12.900 biggest debt of gratitude and I owe you the biggest apology and I love you. And I'm sorry. You know,

00:50:18.960 that's all I can offer these days. Ryan is an apology and action. That's it. You know, I'm not out

00:50:24.740 there trying to make a million dollars and do all this shit now, man. I'm a, I'm a small partner in

00:50:29.120 a company called retro rifle. We make really bad-ass shirts. That's it. But I'm not trying to

00:50:34.300 blast the world and do all these things. The owners of that company and I have come together

00:50:39.200 and we have a mutual agreement that here's how life is going to be. And that's how it's going to be.

00:50:43.380 And so I don't want to start off on the wrong foot. I want to start off on the right foot by telling

00:50:48.020 all those people. And if I have an opportunity now, you know, to tell anybody that I've ever,

00:50:52.480 uh, treated wrongly or indifferent, or I've ruined business for you, I've done you wrong,

00:50:58.960 man. I apologize. I is, that was the worst thing that I could have ever done. Uh, I needed to,

00:51:05.000 to check my ego and I needed to work on myself and those people, they deserve that apology,

00:51:10.420 you know? And I hope that, you know, hell, I hope Wes sees this. And I hope a few other guys that,

00:51:14.980 that probably have some heartache about me see that, you know, it's been a hard 22 to 23 months of me

00:51:21.060 really gut checking myself every day and getting at it to realize how much wrong that I did more than

00:51:27.200 good in my opinion. Uh, and here I am now just trying to rebuild some relationships. I don't

00:51:33.120 need to have best friends, man, maybe acquaintances, but I want them to know that it's genuine and that

00:51:37.480 I love them. You know, how is the, uh, how has that path gone as you've talked to these individuals

00:51:44.420 and apologized and attempted to make amends? Like, how has that been received by these people?

00:51:48.360 And we don't have to get specific, but I'm curious about how receptive they've been to that.

00:51:55.100 Uh, there's been one guy who hasn't reached back out to me. Um, it was actually over social media.

00:52:00.500 I, I sent him a bunch of videos. I said, Hey man, if I was a shitty friend, I owe you,

00:52:05.220 you know, I, and I said a few other videos. Um, they just basically said, fuck me. And that's okay.

00:52:11.300 I'm not worried about that. But there are a few more that I've reached out to and they said, Hey man,

00:52:16.000 I'm just glad you found your way. Here's my cell. Talk to me anytime. And we've been in touch ever

00:52:20.560 since, you know? Um, you know, you're never going to get a hundred percent on your side and that's

00:52:27.080 okay. I don't, I'm not trying to get people on my side. I'm just trying to say, Hey man, I'm sorry

00:52:31.000 if I did this wrong. Uh, here I am today. And, and here's, I'm just being vulnerable and telling you

00:52:37.240 that I was wrong. You know, there's not a lot of people that are willing to say that

00:52:40.980 they're the problem. And I, I, no, not at all. I was, I was the issue. I see it now.

00:52:48.100 Go ahead, brother. I was just going to ask, do you feel like you ever take it too far and get

00:52:53.540 too hard on yourself? Like, do you go to dark places and you're like, man, and, and dwell on

00:52:58.340 who you were in the past or, or what's been your strategies for leaving that guy behind and not

00:53:04.100 letting him rear his ugly head again? Uh, or affect your attitude moving forward.

00:53:11.920 I think, um, I used to battle depression and anxiety so bad that I would bite my nails in my

00:53:18.540 sleep and not even realize it. I wouldn't wake up and there'd be nails on my pillow. Well, I don't

00:53:23.700 buy my nails anymore, you know? And I, I say that because, um, I used to, it was me getting in my own

00:53:34.020 head thinking somebody was being negative about me. And then as I started to like go through some

00:53:39.720 counseling, I started to realize that sometimes we get in our own head when there's nothing actually

00:53:45.820 being said. And so what is there really to worry about? The only thing that we can do is just try

00:53:51.100 to be a good person, give it our best. And if it doesn't work out, then who cares? Let it play out

00:53:56.740 the way it's supposed to play out. And so as I'm growing, as I'm growing in my mid thirties right

00:54:02.540 now, and I'm learning about accepting responsibility for my actions and how important that is,

00:54:09.400 I'm starting to realize that I don't care. I don't care if somebody accepts what I have to give them or

00:54:17.240 not. If you accept my apology, great. Let's move on like men and let's, you know, we can be friends,

00:54:23.440 acquaintances or never talk again. Uh, if you don't, then that's on you. You probably hate

00:54:29.140 yourself or you have something going on, or there's really some type of grudge there that

00:54:33.740 you're harboring. And it might not be about me, honestly. So in the end, I just, I let it go,

00:54:39.840 man. I say my bid and I let it go. It's all you can do. Like what, what more can you do? I mean,

00:54:46.520 and we've seen people dwell on it and this goes back to your beginning statements about,

00:54:50.780 you know, trying, trying to win people over and care so much about what they think. And

00:54:55.480 then that affects your actions and your behavior. And then it doesn't, it's not you, right? It's

00:55:00.860 somebody else you're trying to become for these people. Yeah, man. I, I think that is true. I used

00:55:07.260 to try to become somebody that I wasn't. And when I started to do that, I completely changed and I

00:55:11.720 shouldn't have. Um, now I feel like my mind is so clear that I know what I'm doing every day.

00:55:20.880 I don't need to be on my phone all day. I get on and I, you know, I, I write people back and I,

00:55:25.940 I, you know, I, I talk to folks and I do little things here and there, but my time is limited

00:55:30.960 and my time on the face of this earth is limited. And I'm trying to write a new chat. My son can read

00:55:35.760 one day and that, you know, my future wife can read one day and that people who really need like

00:55:40.880 good word and they need to see somebody who's been through the shit that has really rebounded,

00:55:45.540 uh, they need as well. So, um, if you don't want to be a part of that chapter, then you don't have

00:55:49.940 to be, you know, it's not your book. Um, so, you know, I'm, I'm just kind of, I've moved on

00:55:56.100 and, um, I'm just trying to create good memories and new things for my future, you know?

00:56:01.160 Yeah. On that note, what was the, uh, what was the decision with, uh, joining the police? Like

00:56:06.060 how, how's that been? What's that process been like? And why did you make that decision?

00:56:11.520 Uh, I've always wanted to be a cop since I was a kid. When I first got out of the Marines,

00:56:16.120 um, I got hired at a police department in Texas and then, um, Oh, so you were a police officer

00:56:22.120 before. Well, I went through the Academy. I was actually number one in that Academy too. I mean,

00:56:28.100 it was great. Wow. And then I started, I'd started on social media and everything. And

00:56:32.880 then like black rifle coffee, he was fun and then it just didn't work out for me. And you know,

00:56:37.880 I was, I'd done some, I'd done a video that I thought was going to get me fired more than likely

00:56:43.440 at the time. And, uh, so I just ended up resigning and then I moved on and then I started working

00:56:48.980 with BRCC for a while. And, um, I still had that burning desire, man. I thought if I'm really

00:56:55.560 going to get myself back on track, I need stability and I need to be doing something

00:56:59.420 that just really feeds my soul every day. Doing that is, you know, I love to shoot guns. I love

00:57:05.240 to be around people and I love to help out kids. That's like my biggest thing, man. If you look

00:57:10.260 at my Instagram warrior, W A R R I O R and you see, uh, some of my photos, I'm out with the kids all the

00:57:17.900 time. Yeah. The crazy thing is that I'll come off of a hole where somebody literally just died in my

00:57:22.060 arms and I'll go play basketball with some kids like 20 minutes later. You know, I, it doesn't

00:57:26.980 affect me really. Um, I see it as life as a part of the job, but I'm in love with what I do. Am I

00:57:33.320 going to do it forever? Absolutely not. My goal in the next few years is get one of those sprinter

00:57:37.880 vans. My lady and I hit the road, push retro rifle in every store and you know, every store I possibly

00:57:45.560 can in America and, uh, you know, see what I can do with that with, with the rest of the guys that

00:57:49.740 own the company. Yeah, that's cool, man. Um, I was going to ask about these, just the climate and

00:57:55.200 society in general's perspective or changing, uh, evolving. I don't know what the right word is

00:58:00.280 perception of law enforcement in this country. What's your take on that, man? You know, um,

00:58:06.720 I try to keep my answers limited on that, but I will tell you that where I'm at, you know, I, I drive

00:58:13.180 around an entire County and I get 95, you know, just, I'm just throwing a number out there

00:58:19.920 because it's high. I get 95% support, man. People have literally stopped me in the store

00:58:24.900 and just prayed for me, you know, and kids will stop and they'll hug me and they'll want

00:58:29.460 to hang out and I'll give them little patches. And then sometimes I'll go into really bad

00:58:33.340 communities and I'll just eat a hot dog with somebody that they're grilling and I'll just

00:58:37.520 talk with them. It's all about building the relationships with folks, man. If I'm getting

00:58:41.980 my butt kicked on the side of the road, Ryan, I want to know that that guy that I just ate

00:58:46.000 that hot dog with, who's a prior criminal, who's just trying to make it in this world.

00:58:50.560 It's going to stop and help me. Yeah. He's being just like I am. We both make mistakes.

00:58:55.800 I'm here to help you. You're here to help me, you know? And so the response for me has been

00:59:00.660 pretty positive. Have I had a few? Yeah, man. Literally my first day on the job, the very first

00:59:05.460 day on the job, I'm sitting in the passenger seat. My boss is sitting there driving. I look over

00:59:11.640 and I see this girl looking at me. She was pretty. I just looked over and all I did was

00:59:14.920 like this. I just waved. She literally does this, looks at me and goes, she just flips

00:59:20.440 me off, bro. Flips me off. And I was like, okay. So I just looked to the front and he goes,

00:59:24.440 you're going to get that sometimes. And I was like, wow, that was random. I thought I was

00:59:28.720 going to get a wave back, you know? And I'm like, what the heck, man? Are you kidding

00:59:31.740 me? There's been some moments, but you know, it's not that bad. I think it's all on the

00:59:36.800 approach, man. It's all on the approach. And you know, when it comes to society

00:59:39.640 and I think the media blows things up and a little out of proportion, does there need

00:59:44.320 to be change? Absolutely. I think if you want to be a good cop these days, you need some

00:59:48.700 life experience and you need, you need training, you know? Um, and I'll go no further into that

00:59:54.260 because that can be a hole that we could just dig into. But, um, I think most cops will believe

01:00:00.120 life experience helps you and training, training, training for sure. Well, and I like too, that

01:00:05.320 you're talking about being involved with the community, right? Not, not just enforcing the

01:00:09.460 law. Like, listen to that. I mean, enforcing the law, of course you'd be people's enemies,

01:00:13.600 but, uh, but you're talking about being with these people. You're, you're part of the community.

01:00:19.200 You're trying to keep them safe. You're trying to keep them, you know, them, you're familiar

01:00:23.360 with them. That's going to make a big change as well.

01:00:25.940 It does, man. And, uh, you know, I get sometimes there's been times where I've been on a call

01:00:30.720 and somebody will recognize me from some old videos or something. Oh, really? And yeah,

01:00:35.940 it happens a lot. It actually, it happens a lot. And, uh, they were like, holy what? And

01:00:41.240 then they'll just want to talk. And I'm like, Hey man, I, you know, like we're on a crime scene.

01:00:45.360 I can't really talk about that, but yeah. And in the end, uh, the beautiful thing is, is

01:00:52.320 when you can just have a conversation with somebody, whether they're going to jail or not,

01:00:56.600 you treat them like a human being, they have the utmost respect for you. I took a guy to jail

01:01:00.760 a couple of months ago. I ran into him a couple of weeks back. He said, Hey man, can I just give

01:01:04.880 you a hug? And I go, I was like, uh, yeah. He's like, I just want to give you a hug. I've never

01:01:10.020 been treated like that before. When I gone to jail and he said, I've been to jail 30 times. And I'm

01:01:13.540 like, wow. I was like, yeah, let's hug it out, man. I hugged him and I bought him a cheeseburger,

01:01:19.200 you know? And so in the end it's like, you can go in and you can enforce the law every day,

01:01:24.440 which is we're supposed to enforce the law. Of course. However, you can also be a, you can be

01:01:29.080 a human being and realize that when you're off of the job and you take your uniform off, you're

01:01:32.700 still a cop 24 seven. You got to do the right thing. You can enforce felonies on view. You

01:01:37.760 can do whatever you got to do, but you're a human being and you're a citizen, just like

01:01:42.660 everybody else. They can treat you like crap. You can treat somebody else like crap, but

01:01:46.640 everybody has rights and they have constitutional rights. And you know, you can't, you can't

01:01:52.720 violate that. You can't treat somebody like crap, you know? And, and, uh, I'm no, I'm no

01:01:59.200 better than anybody else just because I have a badge, man. It's a, it's a profession that I'm

01:02:03.760 in love with. And I don't do it because I sit here and think, Oh, I want to enforce

01:02:08.480 the law today. I do it because I'm like, man, I can't wait to go play basketball with

01:02:12.180 those kids today and just hang out with the community. That's the beautiful part to me

01:02:17.080 is that you have an opportunity to do that. People should be able to trust you and they

01:02:21.240 look forward to it, man. I drive my patrol unit up and down the street. Sometimes the kids

01:02:25.420 will chase me on their bikes and we'll, I'll go bomb ice cream, you know, little challenges.

01:02:31.120 I get foot races with kids. I'm like, Hey, if you beat me today, I'll go buy energy drink

01:02:35.660 that you want, but you got to keep working out. If I beat them, I'm like, maybe next time

01:02:39.600 keep training harder. You know, it's just those little things in the community. A cop did

01:02:43.620 that for me when I was growing up. He's basically like my dad today. I call him, you know, I call

01:02:48.880 him dad and I go and I visit him. He's helped me out. And he's, he's been there since I was

01:02:55.260 10 years old. And without him, I wouldn't be where I'm at today. You know, I wouldn't be able

01:03:00.560 to pick myself up out of some dark places. And so I hope that I'm that for somebody one

01:03:05.020 day myself.

01:03:06.180 I think you're going to be that for a lot of people, man. Uh, and I love to see your transformation

01:03:10.120 and everything that you're doing. It's, uh, it's exciting. I'm also excited to see where

01:03:13.840 this takes you, man. This path is just, it's inspiring for me. It's, and I know it's going

01:03:18.160 to inspire the guys, man. You're just doing some incredible stuff.

01:03:21.780 I hope so, brother. You have a very, you, you have an incredible podcast. Um, I've listened

01:03:26.260 to a few of them, super powerful Kyle Carpenter, one of my favorites. Uh, you know, I remember

01:03:31.640 he's amazing. I remember when you first started this, I remember when you first started, we

01:03:35.620 talked about doing a podcast. My ego was a little high. I was trying to chase all these

01:03:39.380 other things and I wasn't able to do it, but here you are. You've been consistent. Your

01:03:44.200 persistency got you there and your consistency is keeping it and you're growing, man. And it's

01:03:48.800 a beautiful thing. And I'm proud of you. You know, you put up something yesterday that,

01:03:51.860 uh, it's gotta be beneficial between both parties. I felt sure I screenshot it too. And

01:03:56.980 I keep it in my phone and it's because it's true, man. Life isn't all about that one person.

01:04:02.060 It's not all about me, about what can we do together to help somebody grow. And that's

01:04:06.340 what I loved about doing this podcast with you today is that I hope that there's one

01:04:09.520 guy out of the thousands of people that follow your podcast that says, you know what, dude,

01:04:14.340 I need to put my ego in check, or I need to apologize to somebody, or I need to let that

01:04:18.660 bullshit go that I've done in the past or that, that has hurt me in the past. And they move on.

01:04:23.820 If they get something out of that, man, then this podcast is well worth it.

01:04:26.780 I know they are. Cause I'm the, I'm that one guy. Like if there's nobody else, I am. Cause I know at

01:04:31.040 times, like I let my ego get, get the better of me. I, you know, maybe I'm, I'm, I'm quick to respond

01:04:36.040 harshly to somebody else or, you know, critique a little harshly that I need to. So yeah, there's,

01:04:41.460 there's things I need to work on and you've, you've brought a light to that as well. And I'm appreciative of

01:04:45.600 that, man. I really am good brother. I appreciate that. And you know, just always remember the

01:04:50.520 chapters in your book, Ryan, don't ever let them, don't ever let that one chapter run over too far,

01:04:56.120 man. When that cup runneth over, sometimes that's a negative thing because it floods everything else

01:05:00.260 around you and all the opportunities you have and you can't escape it. So write that chapter,

01:05:05.580 close it out and move on to the next. You're never too good to move on to that next chapter,

01:05:10.020 whether it be two days that you spent on and you move on to the next one or you spend a year on it,

01:05:14.920 man. It is what it is, but I'm really thankful that you asked me to come on and, and, you know,

01:05:21.180 just give me your time. And it's been, it's been incredible, man. Right on. Thanks brother. Appreciate

01:05:25.520 you, man. There you go. I told you, I told you when we started this podcast, how powerful that one was

01:05:32.580 going to be. And if you're still tuned in and I hope you are, I think you would agree. And you can

01:05:38.500 see how powerful of a man tank is for admitting some of his wrongdoings and ways that he's stepped

01:05:45.060 into it in the past, as have we all, it's not exclusive to him. We've all messed up.

01:05:49.180 But I, I, I honor tank for his commitment to improving himself, to learning, to growing,

01:05:54.200 to maturing. That's what we're trying to do, right? All as men, I think. And I hope that's

01:05:58.100 what we're trying to do. And, and it's my hope that you're walking away after this conversation,

01:06:02.240 a little bit more enlightened and with some tools and mindsets and frameworks that you need to

01:06:09.500 write your own redemption story. It isn't that what life is about. It's about growing, maturing,

01:06:15.400 evolving, getting better, messing up, fixing your mistakes, learning from those mistakes,

01:06:20.520 and then driving on to become the man that you're meant to be. So please connect with tank on the

01:06:24.760 socials. I believe his Instagram handles at warrior is at warrior. So check that out. Very,

01:06:31.180 very active on Instagram. And I think you're going to be deeply, deeply inspired not only by

01:06:37.060 this conversation, obviously, but by his, his message on, on social media. So please check it

01:06:41.840 out. Send them a message. Let them know where you heard about them. Let them know what you took away

01:06:45.300 from the show. Send me a message. Let me know. Make sure you subscribe, leave a rating review,

01:06:50.080 share on Twitter or Facebook or Instagram, wherever you're doing the social media thing.

01:06:53.680 Take a screenshot of you listening to this episode, tag me tag tank, and let's get the word out.

01:06:58.660 Cause this is a much, much needed conversation for thousands, if not millions of men across the

01:07:04.980 planet who need to hear this. All right, guys, I will be back tomorrow for our ask me anything

01:07:09.320 with my good friend and co-host Kip Sorenson. But until then go out there, take action and become

01:07:14.580 a man you are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take

01:07:19.640 charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order

01:07:24.300 of man.com.

Order of Man - November 17, 2020

Writing Your Redemption Story ｜ TANK

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