Order of Man

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart

00:00:04.960 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.

00:00:10.340 You are not easily deterred, defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is

00:00:16.920 who you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.580 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler.

00:00:27.660 I'm your host and the founder of the Order of Man podcast and movement, which is a movement

00:00:32.560 dedicated to equipping you and arming you with all of the tools, all of the resources, and

00:00:37.580 all of the knowledge that you need to thrive as a man, however you're showing up. I don't

00:00:42.240 care if you're a young man, 11, 12, 13, 14, or you're 65, 70, 75, 80 years old, whatever

00:00:49.520 path you're on, wherever you are in life, I want to give you resources that are going

00:00:54.380 to help you find more fulfillment and more meaning as a man. In a society that seems to

00:00:59.520 embrace and reject the concept of masculinity and manliness, we are the antithesis of that.

00:01:05.180 We are championing, championing, championing, can't say that word, the cause of masculinity

00:01:11.760 and manliness. Today, I have a very, very important discussion on the idea of generational

00:01:21.440 legacies and how the vices and virtues of our fathers get passed down to us and how the

00:01:28.100 vices and virtues of ourselves get passed to our sons. I was introduced to a great quote

00:01:34.820 by a friend of mine, Connor Beaton, whose podcast that I did with him is coming out next week.

00:01:40.300 It's from Frederick Nietzsche. He says,

00:01:42.080 What was silent in the father speaks in the son. And often I found in the son, the unveiled secret

00:01:50.920 of the father. Man, that one just really, really hit me. Let me read it again. Cause I want,

00:01:55.880 I want this thing to sink in for you guys, especially if you're a father or, or will be

00:02:00.440 a father at some point, what was silent in the father speaks in the son. And often I found in the

00:02:08.040 son, the unveiled secret of the father. I've been thinking a lot about this in my relationship with

00:02:15.540 my father who has passed away, unfortunately, and I'm coming to the realization. I made this post on

00:02:20.560 Instagram. And by the way, if you're not following me on Instagram, please do. I'm sharing a lot of

00:02:24.900 hopefully valuable content over there. It's at Ryan Mickler. And I made a post and I'll go ahead and

00:02:30.840 just read you the caption because I think that it will help land this concept and idea. So here's

00:02:37.960 what I said. I'm coming to understand that in so many ways, I am just like my father, the same

00:02:43.780 virtues and the same vices, but I don't believe I am destined to follow in his footsteps. I am my own

00:02:50.160 man with my own choices to make. But first I've had to come to the realization that who he is will

00:02:57.120 always be a part of me armed with that knowledge. I am now equipped to choose what I embrace and what

00:03:04.080 I reject. I am trying to choose correctly, if not for myself, for my sons who will, like me,

00:03:11.080 always have a part of their father in them. Guys, I mean, I've got a few other things I want to share

00:03:20.020 with you, obviously on the subject, but this is crucial that we understand who we are, that we

00:03:26.860 understand where we come from for better or worse, that we get connected and grounded to who our father

00:03:33.100 was. Even if we don't like our fathers or they aren't good people, or we have strained relationships,

00:03:38.620 we've got to figure this stuff out for ourselves and for our sons and daughters as well. If we can't

00:03:47.140 break that curse, maybe curse is not the right word. I hope you understand my word choices there. I don't

00:03:55.540 think we're cursed. I don't think like that post that we're destined to be a certain way because of the

00:04:00.360 sins of our fathers necessarily. But if we can't break, we'll call it the cycle or the path. If we

00:04:06.980 can't break that, then our children are doomed. And I can't tell you how often I see grown men,

00:04:11.700 myself included, the amount of things I would do for my children that I won't do for myself

00:04:16.500 is an infinite laundry list of items. And if you're not willing to fix and improve yourself

00:04:23.540 for yourself, we better do it for our children. And there's been some things that I've really,

00:04:30.560 really needed to work on in my life, specifically over the past several years and the last few

00:04:34.540 months that have, and I'm going to talk more about these things, but that I have had to come to terms

00:04:41.680 with, get familiar with, try to recognize where they come from so that I don't pass that same

00:04:47.000 baggage onto my children. So I wrote here and I usually have, you know, the three to five to seven

00:04:52.920 parts and frameworks that, you know, what is going to help you goal with goal setting or goal planning

00:04:58.680 or, or have meaningful conversations or whatever. But I just wrote this today. I, in order to figure

00:05:05.460 out where we come from and who we are as men, and then in order to pass down the things that we want

00:05:11.640 to pass down to our children, there's a three part little framework here. Number one is you have

00:05:16.840 to work on the relationship you have with your father. You have to work on the relationship you

00:05:22.000 have with your father. Again, I don't care if it's in a strange relationship. I don't care if he,

00:05:26.020 even if he's passed away, like my father has, I don't, I don't care what it is. You've got to

00:05:32.300 work on the relationship. And I'm not saying that you need to have conversations with him and you need

00:05:37.460 to be best buddies with him. And because how can that happen if you don't know who that is?

00:05:41.960 Or if he's, he's gone, he's dead, he's out of the picture. How can you do that?

00:05:46.840 Well, by understanding him. And I've really worked hard to understand my father's life,

00:05:53.900 why he was the way he was, why he did the things that he did for good and bad. I mean,

00:05:58.120 there's so many redeeming qualities. I don't want to throw my father under the bus at all. I love my

00:06:02.020 dad. In so many ways, I looked up to him for his creativity, for the way that he could connect

00:06:11.000 with people, uh, for his, his dedication to his craft. There's a lot of redeeming qualities. And I

00:06:18.160 think one of the problems is that we tend to look up to our father so highly that we also maybe even

00:06:26.640 subconsciously look up to or aspire or begin to mimic not only their redeeming qualities,

00:06:34.200 but the characteristics that are less than desirable. And I don't know that we even,

00:06:40.980 I don't think we intentionally do it. I think it's just because we've placed our fathers on this,

00:06:47.280 this pedestal, this mantle, like idolize almost worship in a way. And we've placed them on this

00:06:53.680 idol, this mantle. And so we believe that all of their behavior, even subconsciously is the way

00:06:58.760 that we should behave. And it's not. And that's why, as you become a man, you need to begin to

00:07:04.440 make your own choices and separate from the father. That's why we leave the nest. You know,

00:07:07.960 you see 30, 35, 40, 50 year old men. I don't know about 50 year olds, but hopefully that's not the

00:07:14.180 case. But I imagine there are a few who are still at home under their father's reign, under their

00:07:21.100 father's rule. You are to go out and create your own kingdom. And when you do, you're your own king.

00:07:26.940 And now you get to dictate the way your life works. You cannot be under your father forever. You have

00:07:35.060 to walk out from his shadow, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't know who he is. What are his vices?

00:07:40.640 What are his virtues? What are his redeeming qualities? What does he struggle with? If you

00:07:44.440 know that, then I think we're more easily able to identify what we struggle with. My father struggled

00:07:49.860 with alcoholism. Guess what? So do I. I had stepfathers come into my life who I learned a

00:07:56.840 lot of anger issues, a lot of passive aggressive communication styles. Guess what? That's the

00:08:04.760 programming that I got as a child. And now I'm realizing, wow, that didn't serve me. But if I'm

00:08:10.240 not aware of it, how can I do that? So how do you work on your relationship with your father? Well,

00:08:15.800 if you have a relationship with your father, I would suggest that you call him up and you ask him about

00:08:20.080 his childhood. You ask him about his worldviews. You ask him about his perspective. You ask him why he did

00:08:25.440 the things that he did. In the conversation I had with Connor, he had 20 questions that I think he

00:08:30.480 said that he asked his father. And one of them, I believe if I remember correctly, we recorded a week

00:08:37.280 and a half or so ago was, you know, why did you get a divorce? I believe was the question that he

00:08:43.840 said that he asked his father. I mean, these are not comfortable conversations, but you need to

00:08:48.800 understand who your father is so you can begin to understand who you are. And now that you're armed with

00:08:54.580 that information, you can make better decisions. So guys, now if he's passed away, you can interview

00:09:00.200 relatives. You can look at journals. You can go through past experiences. You can talk with your

00:09:04.660 mother. There's so many different ways that you can do that to figure out who your father was

00:09:08.060 and how he operated. It's valuable. It's invaluable. So that's the first part. Number two, you've got to

00:09:16.000 work on yourself. You know, too often we as men just drift to and fro is the doctrine of popular

00:09:24.260 culture pushes us one way or pushes us that way, or our subconscious programming from our fathers

00:09:29.360 play out, right? It's code. It plays out. And then we find ourselves in situations that we're not either

00:09:37.160 entirely comfortable with or that are less than desirable that we want out of. But we created those

00:09:43.140 things for ourselves. So you have to begin to work on yourself. And I just got a message, an email

00:09:47.980 from Andy Frisilla's, him or his team or whoever writes his emails. I don't know if it's him or his

00:09:52.940 team, but he says, you're either moving forward or you're moving backwards. There's no maintenance mode.

00:09:59.700 And I've found myself in some ways, a lot of ways, actually to be moving backwards over the past

00:10:04.460 several years. I thought I was in maintenance mode. I thought I was on cruise control. I thought I was

00:10:09.300 coasting. I thought I was doing good. But I realized now, no, you were actually slipping backwards and

00:10:14.400 you didn't even recognize or acknowledge it. My eyes were closed, right? It's like, I don't know

00:10:20.940 if this is true, but here's an analogy. Take it for what it's worth. If you're riding in a car,

00:10:26.160 you know, if you're going a certain speed, but your eyes are closed, I don't know if you'd be able

00:10:30.180 to tell if you're going forward or backwards. If you're going fast enough, you can tell because of

00:10:33.240 the weight and the push, but you could feel that it's moving, but you don't know if you're going

00:10:37.780 forward or backwards because your eyes are shut. Open your eyes and really figure out

00:10:42.640 what you're doing with your life forward or backwards. But I would suggest to you,

00:10:46.820 and I talk about this just about every week that you get your finances in order. These are not in

00:10:50.700 any particular order, but you get your finances in order. You get your fitness in check. You get

00:10:56.600 your relationships that you have. Start to communicate and have conversations with the people

00:11:01.420 that matter. Get your spirituality in check. Get your mental and emotional health and well-being

00:11:06.420 under control. Begin to work on yourself, but now you actually know what you need to work on because

00:11:11.180 you know who your father is. And so therefore you are that person too. Now, many of us will say,

00:11:17.620 well, I want nothing to do with my father. I don't want to be like my father. Good. You should still

00:11:21.100 know who he is so you can move the other way. And many of you say, I had a great relationship with

00:11:27.340 my father. He's a great man. I want to be just like him. Great. Figure out what he did to make him that

00:11:31.760 way. And then you can replicate those results in your own life. But knowing who your father is,

00:11:37.740 is going to give you the opportunity to navigate life in a way that makes sense specifically for you

00:11:43.260 based on what your virtues are, based on what you're good at, based on what you're not good at,

00:11:50.840 based on what temptations and vices you're susceptible to. You can begin to create a life

00:11:56.560 that makes sense. And then the last component, obviously of this is now you, you, you work with

00:12:03.080 your children and you should always be working with your children. But when I'm talking about this

00:12:06.860 generational legacy that's passed down from our fathers, we can only do that once we know where

00:12:13.960 it comes from. This is why understanding history in a, in a, in the grand scheme of things is so

00:12:18.840 important because if we don't understand history, we'll understand what's happened in the past or where

00:12:24.220 we come from or what we're doing and what mistakes we made or what we did right, then we can't

00:12:28.180 replicate the results that we want and repel or reject the circumstances that we, we aren't

00:12:34.520 interested in as a country. For example, we have to understand history and it can't be revisionist

00:12:39.620 history. It has to be accurate, an accurate historical reflection of what happened. And it's the same

00:12:47.640 thing with our fathers. Now we can begin to work with our children. And so if you have a vice or you have

00:12:52.360 something you struggle with, let's say it's impatience or an anger issue, you know, it's

00:12:56.520 probably likely that your sons and again, your daughters are going to deal with very similar

00:13:02.400 things. And now when you see that behavior being exhibited, because you've examined the

00:13:08.520 relationship with your father and you know, it comes from that. And you've examined the relationship

00:13:12.080 you have with yourself. Now you can communicate effectively with your son. Hey son, I can see that

00:13:21.040 you're angry. I can see that you're upset. I can see that this bothers you. I get the same.

00:13:25.700 I get frustrated. I get upset. The way that you're behaving right now is the way that I naturally

00:13:30.500 behave. And let me tell you why it doesn't work. Let me tell you what does work instead. And you can

00:13:36.000 help your sons and daughters navigate this thing we call life successfully in a way that they aren't

00:13:41.500 doomed to repeat the same mistakes that we have and the same mistakes that our fathers have. This is how we

00:13:50.040 break the generational chain. And by the way, we don't need to break all chains. Some of the chains

00:13:58.440 are great. Some of the chains are productive. Some of the chains are favorable results that we want to

00:14:04.640 replicate. Those are the chains you ought to acknowledge and fortify. And then there's other

00:14:10.580 chains where it's, we need to sever. Get the welder out and break those chains apart and sever those chains

00:14:17.780 and let your legacy mean something else.

00:14:23.080 But you have to examine those three areas. What is your relationship with your father?

00:14:28.820 Is it rough? Is it non-existent? Is it violent? Is it abusive? Is it happy? Is it purpose-driven?

00:14:38.020 Is it meaningful? Is it significant? What is the relationship you have with yourself? How do you

00:14:42.260 feel about yourself? And how should you feel? You know, there's a big movement in culture today that

00:14:46.700 says, just be happy with the way you are. No, I don't think you should. I think you should be

00:14:51.460 satisfied with the redeeming qualities of yourself, the things that you've worked on. If you're fit,

00:14:56.480 for example, I think you should be proud of that. But if you're a fat slob, I don't think we should be

00:15:01.640 proud of that. I think we should be ashamed of that. In modern times, you won't hear that. Oh, be

00:15:06.540 ashamed. Oh shit. No, there's no shame. I mean, how many people do you know? Like I see some of

00:15:10.920 these, these, these, these people, these, these men who think they're women and they're going in

00:15:15.280 women's showers and bathrooms and they have absolutely zero shame about it. That's shameful.

00:15:21.340 There is behavior that's shameful. Okay. And I know that's not the, the, the, the current

00:15:26.600 talking points. It's not the current narrative, but you need to be ashamed of some behavior. I

00:15:32.360 certainly am in my life and I'm coming to terms with that so that I can stop doing that

00:15:37.780 and start making better choices that I'm proud of. So what is the relationship you have with yourself?

00:15:43.840 If you hate yourself, why is it because you're out of integrity as I have been certainly, and I will

00:15:53.580 at times in my life continue to be, is it because we're lazy? Is it because we know we're not doing the

00:15:59.520 work that we should be doing? Is it because the results that we've produced around us aren't what

00:16:03.660 we actually want? What is the relationship you have with yourself? And then of course, the third

00:16:11.900 component, like I said, is what are the, what is the relationship you have with your children?

00:16:17.840 Not just like, do you spend time with them, but what conversations are you having? How are you

00:16:23.020 helping them navigate drugs and pornography and social media addiction and woke ideology that we

00:16:29.600 hear permeated throughout schools and everywhere else in culture and society? What is the relationship

00:16:35.740 you have with them? And how are you helping them put on some armor to be able to deal with life?

00:16:41.000 How are you helping them identify their weaknesses that you're familiar with so that they can combat

00:16:47.820 them better than you did? This is what's required. I was listening to a podcast earlier today and they

00:16:56.200 were talking about the statistics of violent, I think it was actually homicides. The statistics of homicides

00:17:03.700 for minors is higher than it's ever been in recorded history. And on the political sides of the aisle,

00:17:14.980 you have one side, this is usually more of a liberal mindset that says, well, we need more government

00:17:21.360 funding and these people don't have access to the things that they need in order to help them combat

00:17:28.240 violent criminal activity. And then on the right side of the equation, you know, you hear a lot about

00:17:37.880 police reform and you hear a lot about cracking down tougher on crime. And I'm not going to get into

00:17:44.600 commentary on which is right or which is accurate, but I'll tell you what I do know is right.

00:17:48.780 The answer is not in more government funded programs. The answer is not in cracking down

00:17:55.840 on crime. Maybe we can address those, but that's not the answer. That might be some of the remedies

00:18:02.320 that we need to explore and evaluate. But the answer is what takes place in the home.

00:18:09.600 So the answer is how you show up as a father. The answer is how our sons collectively, not just

00:18:21.300 saying your biological children, I'm saying collectively, our sons in this country are being

00:18:27.320 raised. And the fact of the matter is that they're being raised by degenerates, evil, corrupted

00:18:38.100 individuals or by their peers. And it's Lord of the flies. We as men need to do a better job

00:18:48.720 fathering our children, fathering our own children. And when I say your own, I'm talking about biological

00:18:53.700 stepchildren adopted and foster children. Those, those are your children. You need to do a better job.

00:19:01.440 I don't want to be accusatory. We need to do a better job because I'm included here.

00:19:06.040 We need to do a better job. And we also need to do a better job fathering children in the community.

00:19:12.440 And I'm not saying it's my responsibility to father all the children in the community and subvert

00:19:17.360 the role of, of another father. But if I'm coaching a little league sports team, it's my job to act in a

00:19:25.800 father-like capacity in that, in that context, we can do a better job here. We need to do a better job

00:19:30.920 here, but I'm going to leave you with this quote again from Nietzsche. He says, what was silent in

00:19:35.700 the father speaks in the son. And often I found in the son, the unveiled secret of the father.

00:19:42.400 There's a couple of words I want to emphasize here. What was silent, silent, quiet, hidden.

00:19:50.160 It was hidden. It was tucked away. What was silent in the father speaks in the son. So now it's no longer

00:19:56.040 silent. Now it's out in the open. So how do we deal with this? We get it out in the open

00:20:00.760 first and then we deal with it like men so that our children are better equipped to deal with their

00:20:05.880 own stuff. All right, guys, I hope that helps. Join me in this mission. Share this episode with

00:20:10.200 somebody who needs to hear it. We got a lot of work to do, obviously with the relationships we

00:20:15.060 have with our fathers, with ourselves and with our children. I hope you'll join me in the mission

00:20:18.900 and I hope you believe in what we're doing. I think you do. And I think that's why this movement

00:20:22.320 is growing. I ask you to continue to share. All right, guys, we will be back next week.

00:20:27.140 Until then, go out there, take action, become the man you are meant to be.

00:20:31.340 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. If you're ready to take charge of your

00:20:35.460 life and be more of the man you were meant to be, we invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

Your Father's Secrets Speak in You ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

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