Your Integrity Gap is Destroying You ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES
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Summary
In this episode, I talk about what I call the "Incomprehensible gap" between what you know you should be doing and what you're actually doing, and the results you actually enjoy in your life. I also talk about the dangers of creating a wide gap in your integrity and how to bridge it.
Transcript
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250,000 people have killed themselves in the past six months. He also said that every 14 seconds
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somebody takes their lives. I can't help but wonder why so many men are taking their lives.
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And I would argue that it's because they don't feel valuable. They're not contributing in some
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meaningful and significant way. They feel like they've lost their way or lost their purpose or
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lost their drive or lost their passion. And then we slip into depression, anxiety, frustration,
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Men, do you ever feel like you're destined for something more? Maybe you're lying awake at night
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thinking about what your current reality is versus what you imagine it could be and what you think it
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ought to be. Maybe you feel frustrated or anxious or depressed or angry even about the results that
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you're experiencing in your professional life, in your personal life, in your physical health,
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and just your overall sense of well-being. I know I certainly have and I still do get that way from
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time to time. And what I've realized is that in those moments of desperation and despair or even
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just frustration about the lack of results that I'm enjoying in my life relative to the results I
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would like to enjoy is all a matter of what I call the integrity gap. And the integrity gap for some
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frame of reference here is the gap between what you know you should be doing, what you know you want
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to be doing, what you know you ought to be producing in your life, and the results that you're actually
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enjoying. And we can know everything about what it takes to be a man. We can know everything about what
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it takes to have a successful relationship. We can know everything we need to know about how to build
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an amazing physique or how to build prosperity and abundance. And yet so many men struggle every
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single day even though they know what they should be doing and actually doing it. There's a really
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great example of this when you consider our financial prosperity. If money was just a matter of knowing
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what to do, then we'd all be independently wealthy because we all know how to do basic addition and
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subtraction. If it was just a matter of knowing what to do, then all of us would have incredible
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physiques, the six-pack abs, the muscle, the lean mass, and the strength that we want to have. You all
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know what to do, which is interesting about my job because even though everybody knows what they ought to
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be doing, very few people are doing it, which is why they're not experiencing the results in their
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life. So today I want to talk with you about what this integrity gap actually is, what it means. We're
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also going to talk about the dangers of falling into creating a wide gap in your integrity. And then
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I'm going to share with you six questions, just six questions. So I want you to take a notepad out,
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whether it's on your phone or the computer or a piece of paper, and write down these six questions and
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commit to yourself that this weekend, maybe it's Saturday evening, maybe it's Sunday morning, that
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you're going to spend some time really poring over the six questions that I'm going to give to you,
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finding out the answers, and then acting on them. But first, let's talk about the risk and the struggles
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and the challenges that come with having this integrity gap in your life, which again, is the gap between
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what you know you ought to be doing and what you're actually doing. Number one is you are
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risking growth and progress in yourself. We're going to talk about your family and friends and
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career and all those other things, sure. But at the end of the day, I want you to feel good about
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yourself. You can't lead well unless you feel good about yourself. You can't get people to a place that
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you are not currently at. You can't help people build confidence, whether it's your wife or your
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children or your friends or your colleagues or coworkers, unless you've built that confidence for
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yourself. Your measure of success in life is only proportionate to the level of success that you
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have in your own personal life. And so you'll see all these guys go out there. Maybe you've been
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guilty of this. I certainly have. And we wonder why people won't follow us, why people won't be led,
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why people won't be influenced, why people won't listen to us. It's because at the risk of you being a
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little upset by what I'm about to say, you're not worth following. People see it, man. They see right
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through it. If you are preaching how important fitness is and yet you're 40, 50, 60, 80, 100 pounds
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overweight, do you think people are going to take you seriously? No, you have an integrity gap.
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If you're preaching about financial prosperity, but you're up to your eyeballs in debt, do you think
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people are going to listen to you and be inspired by you and how they can grow, grow their own wealth?
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No, because you have an integrity gap and they see it and you see it and all the words and all the
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posturing and all the bravado that you put out into the world is seen right through and nobody's going
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to take you seriously. So if you do have this large integrity gap, this disparity between where you want
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to be and where you currently are, then you're a danger to yourself. You're not producing the results
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that you desire. Your mental health is going to be off. Your emotional well-being is going to be
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sacrificed. You're probably going to be overly emotional and reactive when things happen that
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inevitably come up. You're not going to know the value you provide to others. You're not going to be
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convicted in your beliefs towards other people and everybody's going to see right through it.
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Number two is your results are going to suffer. Obviously, I want you to do a real good inventory,
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an honest, accurate inventory of the relationship that you have with your wife right now. How is it?
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If it's amazing, then good. Figure out why it's amazing and keep doing that. If it's not as amazing
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as you'd like, whether it's average or good or ordinary or horrible, maybe there's something you
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can do to show up more effectively as a man that would help improve that. And by the way,
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I'm not saying that she might not have a part to play in it. Of course she does. It takes two to
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tango, but I'm focused on you. You can't control her. You can control you. If your boss doesn't like
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you, if your colleagues don't listen to you, if your clients don't take your advice, your results are
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going to suffer. You're going to make less money. You're going to be overweight. You're going to be
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depressed. You're going to be anxious. Your kids aren't going to be influenced by you. You're not
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going to have any sort of influence in your community. And you're going to be frustrated
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by that as you ought to be frustrated by it. But I don't want you to sit in this perpetual cycle
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of frustration and wondering why you can't seem to get ahead. It's not because your ship hasn't come
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in yet. It's not because Joe Schmo, who you're comparing yourself to, has some thing, some magical
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equation that you don't have. It's just that that guy's doing what he needs to be doing. And you're
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not. When you wake up in the morning and your alarm goes off, you hit snooze. When you roll out
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of bed, you don't really go out into the gym to get fit. You just kind of roll out and you probably
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eat worse than you need to. And you probably don't engage your family. And you probably don't even give
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yourself enough time to set up a meaningful day for yourself. And you just kind of roll out of bed
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like a blob and expect that life is just going to roll over for you. And you get to work and you
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don't know what you're going to be doing. And if you do, you kind of do it half-assed. And you know
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you're not excited about the work you're doing, but it puts food on the table. And like, that's the
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extent of your life. And then you get home and your wife's telling you what you ought to be doing,
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what you shouldn't be doing. Your kids are bouncing all over your leg. You have no purpose, no drive,
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no passion, no enthusiasm, all because you aren't doing what you know you ought to be doing.
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The six questions I'm going to give you here shortly are going to help you address that, but
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your results are suffering. And if your results are suffering in any facet of your life,
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relationships, career, physical fitness, finances, it's probably a pretty good indicator that you have
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a larger integrity gap than you believe you do. Number three, this one is extremely, extremely
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important to me and most of the men who listen to this podcast. Your people are going to suffer, man.
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If you're overweight, your kids are going to suffer.
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If you're not doing your work when you're on the job and providing financially for your family,
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your wife and kids are going to suffer. If you're not learning what you need to be learning in order
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to become a better, whatever your job is, your clients are going to suffer.
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If you're not making yourself influential and credible and reputable within your community,
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your neighbors, they're going to suffer. Everyone around you is going to be worse off
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because you can't bridge the integrity gap. And I don't care which hole you need to plug first,
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yourself, your results, or your people, but whatever speaks to you. If it's your people and you're like,
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I don't want to let my people down, then that's the fuel you need. If it's you and you think to
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yourself, man, I've been placed on this earth by God for a reason, and I need to live up to that,
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then that's what you need to focus on. If it's just seeing the results, the fruit of your labor
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and efforts, and that's what you need to focus on, then that's what you need to focus on.
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None are right or wrong. All three probably exist, but what is it that fuels you?
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And consider that for yourself. And I would say maybe the first exercise of this weekend is
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to ask yourself, are you happy with the results that you're producing?
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And don't be general about this. It's easy to say yes or no. Like I'm talking about the specifics.
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And I'm going to get into that as I get into these six questions. Let's jump into it. Number one,
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who are you ideally? Who are you ideally? Now I'm going to give you four places to focus on.
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Because sometimes when I say, who are you ideally? We don't really know where to focus,
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but let me give you four main areas. Number one is your mental, emotional, and spiritual health.
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Ideally, in an ideal world, if you're at your fullest version of yourself, who are you mentally,
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emotionally, and spiritually? Are you intelligent? Are you thoughtful? Are you rational? Are you level
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headed? Are you emotionally regulated? Are you tapped into a higher purpose, a higher calling,
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and a higher power? And it's those things that are driving you. And I put that one first,
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because if you get these things right, mental, emotional, and spiritual right, the rest seems
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to fall in place. Not that it's going to be easy necessarily, but that now you have a foundation
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to build from that's unwaivable, that's unmovable. So who are you ideally when it comes to your mental,
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emotional, and spiritual health? That's number one. Number two, who are you as it relates to the way
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you show up with others? We call that connection. How are you with your significant other?
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How are you with your children? How are you with your colleagues, and your clients, and your
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coworkers? How are you with your neighbors? And evaluate yourself. Take notes. Write this stuff
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down. Hey, maybe I'm being a great husband, but I'm not so great of a father. Maybe I'm a really
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good employee, or a business owner, and all of my clients listen to me, and they create prosperity
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and abundance in their life, and I get them the results they want, but I'm a shitty father.
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Maybe I have the fatherhood thing locked down. The husband thing is iffy at best. The work stuff's
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iffy, but I'm a pretty good neighbor to other people. I know my neighbors. I care about them.
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I serve them. I help them when they need help. They help me, and we have a good relationship.
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Look into all of those areas where you're formulating connections, and ask yourself,
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am I really showing up the way that I want to show up? And if it was ideal, who would I be?
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So for me, just off the cuff, with my children, for example, I am an engaged father. I care deeply
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about my children. My job is to help guide, lead, instruct, and coach them to becoming productive
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adults. I am there to administer discipline as needed in appropriate ways.
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I know what they're struggling with. I know what their strengths are. I know what their weaknesses
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are. When they have problems, they're willing to come to me. They don't shut down. They don't close
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off. They're open and receptive to my insight, to my suggestions. They take it, and they implement it.
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They ask me for advice. Now, I'm not saying I'm all of these things all of the time, and I'm not even
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saying I'm all of these things most of the time. I'm saying, ideally, that is who I am as a father.
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As a business owner, I'm equipped. I'm trained. I'm intelligent. I have the skill set. I focus on
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the skills. I care about the issues. I can share relevant content. I acquire the knowledge I need
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to use tools that are available, whether it's social media or other technology, to be able to
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communicate a message clearly. I recognize what you, the people who listen to this podcast, what your
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problems are. I find solutions. I work with other people who have solutions to your problems, and
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generally, we're adding value to your lives as men, and I find extreme value myself in that. That's
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ideally who I am when it comes to the connection I have with you guys on a professional level.
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If it's being just a general man, it's my contribution. That's the third component.
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My contribution. My addition to society. My way of giving back. My neighbors know me. I know them.
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We know, like, and trust each other. I serve them. I know people in the community. I make a conscious
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effort to be connected in the community. I serve my family and friends and colleagues and co-workers
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and neighbors because that's all part of our integral network as a community, and if anything
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goes wrong, I want them to be able to turn to me, and if anything goes wrong, I want to know who I
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need to turn to, and so I'm a man who's respected, and I'm a man who's looked at, who adds value into
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the lives of other people that I interact with within my community, and then the last component is
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my condition. It's my physical health, so ideally, I am lean. I am strong. I am healthy. I eat
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correctly. I fuel myself right. I train regularly. I try to make myself into a tool that will protect
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other people, that gives me the energy I need to thrive and succeed and contribute and connect and
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all the things that are important to me, and so I'm lean and strong and healthy. I'm committed
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to using my body effectively. It is a tool for usefulness in my life and the lives of the people
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that I care about, so I hope you can see that I'm deliberate and I'm thoughtful about how we are to be
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ideally. I'm not saying I'm all of those things. Please don't misunderstand me. Sometimes I am, and to
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varying degrees, I am in certain aspects of my life, but if we focus on those four areas, so again, it's
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what I call calibration. That's mental, spiritual, and emotional health. It's connection, our relationship
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with others. It's our condition. That's our physical health, and then it's our contribution, becoming
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men of value. Those are the four areas that I focus in, because if I focus on everything, it's
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going to be difficult, but those are the four areas, and then I ask myself, who am I ideally? So that's
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number one. Number two, who are you currently? Who are you currently? So if I tell myself I want to be
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lean and strong and fit and capable, and I want to be an asset physically in my life and the lives of the
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people I care about, who am I right now? This is really hard for a lot of men to do, because maybe
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for the first time in your life, you actually need to document that you're not who you need to be.
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If you're 50 pounds overweight, you are not ideally who you want to be. Like, I don't know any men who
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think to themselves, I'd really like to be 50 pounds overweight. And by the way, I also don't know any
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women who believe, they'll say that, oh, the dad bod, the dad bod. No, no, women don't like the dad bod.
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I don't know why they even say they do. Maybe it's some virtue signaling or something that looks
00:16:16.520
aren't the most important thing. I don't know, but it's not true. All things being equal, they're going
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to take a guy who's fit and lean and jacked over a guy who's soft and weak and lazy. It's just the reality
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of it. And you can complain about it and moan and gripe about it, or you could say, that's the reality, and so
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I'm going to do something about it, and I'm going to work on improving myself. Who are you when it comes to
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being a husband? Maybe you're kicking ass at work, but you come home, and your wife's annoyed by you,
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you're annoyed by her, you aren't on the same page, you guys are constantly bickering and nitpicking
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at each other, and you're not presenting a unified front for your children, and so you're thinking,
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man, work's awesome, but when I come home, this sucks. Document it. Write it down. Talk with her about it.
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Maybe you can get things done, but your emotional well-being is really struggling,
00:17:07.800
and anytime somebody says words that impact you or hurt you, you get triggered to the point where
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you just react, and you blow up and explode at your kids, or your wife, or your friends,
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or your neighbors, or whoever else is at the suffering end of your wrath. Okay? You're not
00:17:23.180
the clear level-headed man that you want to be, so what are we going to do about it? We'll get to
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that here shortly. Or maybe you just feel worthless. My son, my oldest son, sent me some statistics,
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and I can't remember them right offhand, but the statistics around how often
00:17:38.780
men kill themselves. I think he had said, and I have to validate this, but
00:17:45.980
by a magnitude of 20 or 30 percent, it's staggering. It's horrible.
00:17:50.140
And he said, Dad, did you know that in the past six months since the year began,
00:17:55.620
Again, if he's off by a magnitude of 50 percent, that means 250,000 people have killed
00:18:03.220
themselves in the past six months. He also said that every 14 seconds, somebody takes
00:18:08.840
their lives. And I'm going to break it down. I'm going to look at those numbers and see
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how many of those are men versus women. Not that either is more important than the other.
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It's tragic regardless if it's a man or a woman. But since we focus on men, I can't help
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but wonder why so many men are taking their lives. And I would argue that it's because
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they don't feel valuable. They're not contributing in some meaningful and significant way.
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They feel like they've lost their way or lost their purpose or lost their drive or lost their
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passion. And then we slip into depression, anxiety, frustration, and eventually unchecked suicide.
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So who are you currently? Okay. Number three. Now you have those four areas. You know who you
00:18:51.480
want to be. You know who you are currently. Now, what needs to happen daily? I don't want
00:18:58.080
you to say, for example, and I'm just using the condition element of this, that you're 50
00:19:01.480
pounds overweight. And so what needs to happen? I need to lose 30 pounds. Great. You do. Sure.
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But what are you going to do daily to ensure that happens? And this is where we start bridging
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the integrity gap. Now it's no longer some weird theory out there in space that we don't
00:19:18.680
quite understand. We know where we want to go. We know where we currently are. And now
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we just have to plot a point. So if you're trying to lose 30 pounds, two things you can
00:19:29.740
do are 45 minutes of exercise every single day and cut out processed food and maybe artificial
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sugars, processed sugars in particular. If you did those three things, cut out processed food
00:19:46.840
and processed sugars, and you went to the gym or trained or ran or hiked or rocked or whatever,
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swam, jujitsu, 45 minutes per day, of course you're going to lose 30 pounds. Might take you
00:19:57.700
a little while. Might take you a month. Might take you nine months. I don't know. But if
00:20:01.960
you're doing those things every single day, then you are actively bridging the gap. If you're
00:20:06.020
trying to build wealth and prosperity and you say to yourself, man, I really want to make
00:20:10.520
$100,000 this year, but right now I'm only making 70. Okay. So we have a $30,000 annual
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discrepancy. What do I need to do daily? Train, study, learn. Maybe there's a new credential
00:20:24.940
that you can pick up. Maybe it's make a few more sales calls. Maybe it's ask for a raise
00:20:29.840
or a promotion. Maybe it's start a side business. It's what are you going to do daily to improve
00:20:36.560
your situation? If it's connecting with your kids because you don't feel like you're as
00:20:41.260
connected as you'd like to be, okay, that's fair. What are you going to do daily? Talk to
00:20:45.940
them, text them when they're at school, connect with them, do things they're interested in,
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be interested in what they like and what they care about, and start formulating and building
00:20:57.480
those connections every single day. So again, we have who are you ideally? Number two, we have
00:21:02.700
who are you currently? And number three, again, these are in each of the four quadrants.
00:21:06.560
What needs to happen daily? Okay, number four, what information do you need? Because it might
00:21:14.060
be that you're lacking some information. Again, if you want to lose that weight, maybe you don't
00:21:19.840
know how to work out, and that's okay. It's not okay moving forward, but it's okay now. You don't
00:21:24.940
know. It's amazing to me how often I think culturally and societally we'll mock men because they don't
00:21:31.540
know how to do something. And then a man invests in himself, whether it's join a group or
00:21:36.040
join a gym or learn a new skill, and then people will mock him for learning things that
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they mocked him for that he should have already known. Like it's ridiculous. It's a lose-lose
00:21:47.860
situation. But what information do you need? Stop worrying about what other people say or what
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they think or how they might judge you for not knowing what you quote-unquote ought to already
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know. And just ask yourself, I need to learn money management. I suck with money management.
00:22:02.740
I don't know how to budget. Or I overspend. Or I don't know where to invest. Or I don't know how
00:22:08.400
to best pay off my debt. Fine. That's okay. It's not okay moving forward. It's okay right now.
00:22:14.900
What do you need to learn? If you don't know how to use gym equipment, hire a trainer. Jump online.
00:22:23.100
Type in that particular equipment and say, okay, how do you use this? And you'll find a YouTube video.
00:22:27.780
Ask a friend. Ask somebody at the gym. Hey, bro, you look jacked. Like you look like you got some
00:22:34.280
like huge arms and I want to have, I want to work towards building a physique like yours.
00:22:38.700
Like what are you doing? And let them answer the question. Clearly it's working.
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So we have to let go of the pride and the arrogance and the hubris and step into the things that we don't
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know by learning the information that we need. Okay. Number five, what systems do you need in place?
00:22:55.740
Again, it's not just about the information. If it were just about the information, you'd have the
00:23:00.980
dream woman and dream relationship. Your kids would be so well-behaved and connected and loved by you.
00:23:05.940
You'd have financial prosperity and abundance. You'd have a six pack abs with 20 inch biceps and
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everywhere you went, women were looking at you. Men were looking at you because women want to be with
00:23:16.520
you and men want to be like you. If that's all it was, was just information. It's not. It's systems.
00:23:21.260
Do you have a process for the most effective day? What does that even mean? Like, do you even know
00:23:27.420
what I mean when I say that? A process for the most effective day of your life? What time are
00:23:31.620
you getting up? Is it the same time every day? What are you doing when you get up? Do you have a,
00:23:37.040
I'm just pulling this out right here. Do you have a plan? This is our battle planner. If you go to
00:23:41.240
orderofman.com slash TWBP as in 12 week battle planner. So TWBP, you can find this. Do you have this?
00:23:49.040
Are you using this? Even if you have it, are you using it every day? Are you committed to doing it?
00:23:55.540
Are you going into the gym and working the program that your trainer gave you?
00:23:59.800
Are you listening to people like Dave Ramsey and other investment advisors outside of that who are
00:24:05.460
teaching you what you can do on a daily basis to calculate your debt, to manage your income and
00:24:11.040
expenses, to learn how to invest wisely? Do you have programs? Do you have apps? Do you have
00:24:18.960
emails? Are you going to conferences? What are the systems that you're using to ensure that you're
00:24:23.940
going to achieve success? I can't go through all the systems because we're talking broadly today,
00:24:28.240
but if you're not achieving results, then I would say part of the reason is because you don't have a
00:24:33.540
proven system and formula that will predict those inevitable results, or you're just not doing it.
00:24:39.420
So do it. Figure out what they are and do it. And then the last thing, number six, is what do you
00:24:47.760
need to do right now? What do you need to do right now? So now we're going to prioritize.
00:24:54.400
So maybe you want to lose 30 pounds. Maybe you want to pay off the $10,000 car loan that you have.
00:25:00.980
Maybe you want to connect with your kids more. Maybe you want to start courting your wife again.
00:25:05.240
Maybe you want to be more physically intimate and have sex with her more often. Maybe you want to
00:25:10.720
advance your career. Those are all good things. You can't do it all at once. You can work on those
00:25:16.080
things all at once. And that's why I whittle it down to four instead of 400. But what's the first
00:25:21.740
step? I often talk about this. What is the next first step? Because when you start to evaluate and
00:25:28.260
look at your life and analyze your integrity gap, it can be daunting. It can be very overwhelming and
00:25:33.680
concerning. How am I ever going to get out of $80,000 of consumer debt? How am I ever going
00:25:39.360
to lose the 60 pounds? How am I ever going to rekindle the spark in my relationship when we
00:25:44.080
spent the last three, four, five years bickering, fighting, and debating on whether or not we should
00:25:49.120
even stay together? What is the next first step? You're not saving your marriage. You're connecting
00:25:55.920
with your wife. You're not becoming the next billionaire. You're managing your money.
00:26:03.660
You're not necessarily going to be Mr. Olympia. You're just trying to lose 10 pounds. Now, some of
00:26:11.160
that stuff will come. Maybe you do want to be Mr. Olympia. Maybe you do want to be employee of the
00:26:17.460
year. Maybe you do want to be recognized by your local chamber for entrepreneur of the year. It's fine.
00:26:24.060
Those are all aspirational. Those are good. But what is the next first step? And do that today,
00:26:28.800
right now. Don't worry about tomorrow. Don't worry about next week. Don't worry about next year. What's
00:26:33.800
the next first step? And then when you do that, then it's the next first step. Then the next first
00:26:37.600
step. Then the next first step. And the reason I like this model is because it allows us to adapt and
00:26:42.320
adjust based on inevitable changes in our lives. One of your kids breaks his arm. Your wife is frustrated.
00:26:50.360
Your boss lays you off. You get hung up because you got in an accident and broke your leg.
00:26:56.320
These things are going to come up. So you need to be able to adjust and pivot in real time as these
00:27:01.780
things come up. And that's the prioritization. And that's why I say, what is the next first step?
00:27:06.620
Men, I really want you to bridge this integrity gap. I feel like if you got this part down,
00:27:12.840
if you listen to what I'm saying about this and other resources we have on the integrity gap,
00:27:16.680
and you just took it to the nth degree, every aspect of your life would get better
00:27:20.880
and you'd have less problems than you might have right now. But it's the integrity gap.
00:27:28.280
So let me recap. When you allow that integrity gap to stay where it is or grow even, you're letting
00:27:35.980
yourself down, you're missing results, you're harming your people, and it's just not a good thing.
00:27:43.360
And then again, the six questions are, who are you ideally in the four quadrants I gave you?
00:27:49.440
So again, it's calibration, mental, physical, or mental, emotional, and spiritual health.
00:27:55.640
Connection, your relationships with others. Condition, which is your physical health. And
00:28:00.280
number four is contribution, becoming a man of value. So who are you ideally in each one of those
00:28:04.720
areas? Who are you currently in each one of those areas? What needs to happen daily in order to
00:28:11.340
lessen the gap? Number four, what information do you need? Number five, what systems do you need?
00:28:18.680
And number six, what do you need to do right now? So I'm going to end it right there because
00:28:23.320
that's a very important question. And I want to give you the space to be able to do it.
00:28:29.920
What do you need to do right now? And then we get to work. If you want more resources on this,
00:28:35.000
guys, if you want to connect with me, if you want the accountability, which is part of the systems,
00:28:39.700
that was question number five, uh, number, yeah, number five, the systems connecting with other
00:28:45.100
men who are already doing the work. That's also question number four is gaining information for
00:28:48.840
men who are already doing the work. Then I would encourage you to join our iron council. We open
00:28:53.300
back up here in about a week, a little over a week, June 15th. So we want you inside and we want
00:29:01.740
you to bridge the integrity gap. And we're doing all the things that we can do for each other and
00:29:05.620
ourselves to do just that. Go to orderofman.com slash iron council. All right, guys, I hope that
00:29:11.320
helps. I hope that serves you. We will be back next week for our interview until then go out there,
00:29:16.080
take action, bridge the integrity gap, and become the man you are meant to be.
00:29:25.020
Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life
00:29:29.640
and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.