Order of Man

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart

00:00:04.960 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.420 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.120 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.660 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Mickler.

00:00:27.320 I'm the host and the founder of the Order Man podcast and movement. Now, look, we don't do

00:00:31.420 this very often, but I wanted to share with you today a recording that I had done for a

00:00:37.620 presentation for my friend Ian Wendt with official Patriot gear. He invited me to come speak to his

00:00:44.080 community, which is called the Free Collective, and they had a live event, Free Collective Live,

00:00:48.960 and I was able to share a little bit about my story that I haven't shared, some of my pitfalls

00:00:54.220 and stumbles and mess ups along the way, and I thought it was powerful enough that it might help

00:01:01.600 some people, and I thought maybe it would help you. So, I want to share with you the recording

00:01:05.300 from that presentation, and let me tell you a little bit about what this is about. I think it's

00:01:11.000 going to serve you well. Number one, we talk about making a choice. When you hit rock bottom,

00:01:15.480 what do you do now? Do you choose to rise up and grow, or do you choose to slink away into obscurity?

00:01:24.300 We talk about how many people wanted me stuck where I was, and also those who really had my

00:01:31.180 back and support. We also talk about relinquishing sovereignty and some of the signs that come with

00:01:36.780 that, like arrogance and isolation, stagnation, burnout, loss of meaning and purpose, all of these

00:01:42.900 things that I had in my life that should have been flashing warning lights for me that something was

00:01:47.740 wrong in my life. And then ultimately, we talk about the solution, a four-step process to choosing

00:01:53.540 better when you hit rock bottom, vision, execution, tapping into your assets and resources, and then

00:01:59.600 reviewing your work. So, I hope you enjoy this episode. Again, this is from my friend event. His name

00:02:05.800 is Ian Wendt with Official Patriot Gear, and his community is Free Collective. So, hopefully,

00:02:12.640 you'll check them out as well and support them. And hopefully, this serves you guys. Enjoy.

00:02:19.480 First and foremost, I really do want to say I'm sorry that I couldn't be there tonight.

00:02:23.760 Ian and I had talked about this for months, and I've wanted to be there, and I've been looking forward

00:02:27.640 to it and planned what I wanted to talk with you guys about. And then last night, something came up

00:02:32.540 that I'm really excited about. And I never say unfortunately because it's not unfortunate. It's

00:02:37.560 actually very fortunate. My son gets an opportunity to play varsity football as a sophomore, and I made

00:02:43.040 a commitment to him that I would be there for his games. And so, unfortunately, that this got canceled,

00:02:48.860 but fortunate that I'll be able to get to see my son play. I really just, first and foremost, just want

00:02:54.820 to thank you for understanding and making the right decision. Not all decisions are easy. And even

00:03:01.920 though you have two good options, sometimes you have to choose, and it just kind of sucks that one

00:03:05.660 plays out the way it does. But what I wanted to share with you today is something that I really

00:03:10.680 haven't talked a lot about in depth publicly. For obvious reasons, it's very personal. But as I've

00:03:16.500 been talking with Ian about what I wanted to share with you, I can't really think of a better place

00:03:22.080 than to share some of my own personal struggles. And I'm not here to beat on my chest or toot my own

00:03:27.760 horn or tell you how wonderful I am. If anything, I'm here to tell you the exact opposite,

00:03:31.380 that I've struggled in so many different ways. And I know many of you can probably relate to that.

00:03:36.840 And as I went through my own personal struggles with alcoholism and divorce, I really thought that

00:03:42.800 as I shared these things, it was the end and the demise of the business and movement Order of Man

00:03:47.420 that I had created. I built this movement and this organization on the back of believing in the

00:03:53.600 nuclear family, the back of believing that men should be disciplined and committed and driven

00:03:58.500 and focused. And all the things that I've been experiencing over the past year and a half,

00:04:02.820 quite honestly, are the antithesis of that. So as I began to share some of my own personal

00:04:07.820 struggles with alcohol abuse, and then ultimately the demise of my marriage, my 18-year marriage,

00:04:13.940 I really thought that people were going to turn away and people were going to mock and ridicule

00:04:20.460 and call me a hypocrite and worse. And some of that happened to be, to be frank, some of that did

00:04:24.820 happen. But an interesting and surprising development took place. And that is that I

00:04:29.520 began to see that as I shared my own personal struggles, it gave permission for people to do

00:04:34.620 the same. And guys that were very, very close to me began to share with me their own personal

00:04:40.000 struggles with drug abuse and alcohol abuse or any other sort of addiction, whether it was

00:04:44.480 pornography or gambling or any other vice that they may have found themselves susceptible to.

00:04:51.180 And then they talked to me about their own personal struggles and their relationships.

00:04:54.980 And what I found is that through our own trials and struggles, we can isolate and we can pretend

00:05:01.900 that we have everything figured out and we can put on the front as many of us do. I know a lot of you

00:05:06.040 are entrepreneurs and you're expected to lead in your business and lead in your communities and

00:05:10.820 lead in your homes. And there is an expectation of that. And you should be doing that. But if you're

00:05:16.080 putting on a false appearance, a face, a facade of what really is happening in your life, you're not

00:05:24.060 allowing anybody to experience the benefit of the learning experiences that you've had. And all the

00:05:30.280 things that we've gone through, both positive and especially negative, are nothing more than learning

00:05:35.020 experiences and opportunities for us to grow. It's hard to come to terms with that in the midst

00:05:40.600 of horrible circumstances. Your wife or husband says they don't want to be married to you anymore.

00:05:46.680 Maybe you're in a lawsuit. Maybe you're facing financial struggles or a medical diagnosis that

00:05:52.540 you're dealing with. It's hard to imagine that in the midst of that, you can actually use that as

00:05:57.920 fuel not only to grow in your own personal life, but to serve others. And what I found as I began to

00:06:02.820 share some of my own personal struggles is the sharing of those struggles gave me a new sense of

00:06:08.320 fulfillment and satisfaction in my life. Because I saw that there was other people who were positively

00:06:13.520 impacted by a message that I was really embarrassed to share and ashamed to share as well. So that's

00:06:21.620 all to lead up to what I wanted to tell you. Many of you know that I have an organization called

00:06:27.120 Order of Man. I started Order of Man in 2015. And again, I only want to share this with you. So

00:06:32.180 hopefully you can see that or maybe feel a little bit of your own story and what I have to share with

00:06:37.900 you. It's not for me. It's for the benefit of you. And I hope that's the way it comes across.

00:06:41.580 I started this movement and it rapidly grew into one of the largest men's organizations on the planet.

00:06:47.300 And we dedicated all of our time and energy and resources and everything that we had to giving men

00:06:54.440 the tools and guidance and direction and accountability they needed to thrive in their lives. And we did that.

00:07:00.320 We've been very, very successful. So successful that I began to become very overwhelmed because I wasn't

00:07:08.660 really taking time for myself. I was pouring so heavily into other people. And I derived all of my

00:07:15.060 value in this world on what I could create for other people. And I started to drink. And it was nice.

00:07:23.340 It was really nice, actually. I was a bit of a heavy drinker right out of high school. And I gave that up

00:07:30.040 for about 18, 15, 16, 17, 18 years. And then I started to drink. And one drink a week to just

00:07:38.140 relax and take it easy and put my feet up and disengage for an hour or two turned into one drink

00:07:44.180 a night. And then that turned into two drinks a night. And then that turned into let's drink during

00:07:48.500 the day. And that turned into let's wake up in the morning and drink. And it was so nice until it

00:07:54.860 wasn't to have this temporary reprieve from the demands that I had placed on my own shoulders.

00:08:01.520 The expectation that I felt like I had to be this perfect person and live this perfect life and not

00:08:11.200 really have any of my own struggles. And so for me to be able to disengage was mentally and emotionally

00:08:18.380 welcomed. I got to the point, my drinking over the period of two, two and a half years where I would

00:08:25.720 go to the store in the morning and I'd get a half a pint or a pint of whiskey. And I would literally

00:08:30.760 sit in my driveway and I would drink a half pint of whiskey before I'd even go in in the morning

00:08:37.460 and quote unquote, start my day. And as soon as that wore off, I'd go back to the store and try to get

00:08:44.460 something else to get drunk. And so I was either drunk, hungover or passed out about 24 seven for

00:08:51.680 a period of, I would say five to six months. I was disengaged from my business, but more importantly

00:08:57.580 than that, I was disengaged from my family. I was disengaged from my wife. I was short with them.

00:09:03.880 I wasn't having fun. I wasn't leading them the way they deserve to be led the way that I promised

00:09:10.320 that I would. I fell into these patterns and it's interesting. I put so much responsibility

00:09:18.280 on my shoulders and it's really hard to wrestle even today with the idea that I've been proclaiming

00:09:26.220 the way that we should live all the while having my own personal struggles. And some will say it's

00:09:31.020 hypocritical and you might think that. And in some ways I think it is, but it's not that I didn't

00:09:37.340 believe in the message that we were sharing. It's that in my own life, I failed to implement

00:09:41.520 it to the degree that I could. And isn't that the great irony of life is that we know what we

00:09:46.300 should be doing. And yet so many of us struggle to figure out why we can't do what we know we

00:09:52.120 should be doing. If you take it in any other context of life, take finances. Everybody knows

00:09:57.220 if we strip everything else away, you've got to make as much money as you can and spend less

00:10:02.460 than you make. That is the key to financial prosperity. And yet many people are still broke

00:10:08.780 when it comes to being strong and being fit and being healthy. It's burning more calories and

00:10:15.160 consuming less. We all know that. And yet a bag of chips and salsa sounds pretty good right now.

00:10:21.300 So it's not that we don't believe in what we're sharing. It's that we find it so difficult even

00:10:25.820 when we do unequivocally know how important it is to be able to live that ourselves. And I'm going to

00:10:31.240 share with you guys some of the strategies that I've employed in my life to help me get back on

00:10:35.000 track. But to speed this story up a little bit, I spent about a couple of years being drunk or

00:10:40.260 passed out or hungover. And one morning, my ex-wife came to me. I think actually we were talking and

00:10:48.320 I wish I could relay the exact conversation. I can't because I was probably drunk. And she had said

00:10:54.000 something and it took me by surprise. And I don't remember exactly what she said, but I said,

00:10:59.820 wait, are you leaving me? And she said, yeah, I am. And she wanted a divorce because of the way

00:11:06.520 that I had showed up for two years. That was July 31st of 2022. So last year, about a year,

00:11:14.040 year and a half or so now, she said she wanted a divorce. Now we lived in Maine with my four

00:11:19.440 children at the time. We're originally from Southern Utah, which is where I am now.

00:11:22.680 And I spent about five months, four or five months doing everything I could to salvage the

00:11:29.660 marriage. I went to AA a day or two after she had this discussion. I hired a therapist to begin

00:11:36.300 to work through some of my issues so I can deal and confront with my alcoholism. But by the time

00:11:41.140 that she told me that, she had already been done. It was too little, too late. And so we ended up

00:11:47.060 moving our family back across the country. And she lives three or four miles down the road from me.

00:11:52.000 And I live here in this place. And it's been a real hell of a year, to be honest with you.

00:11:59.000 I don't like sharing that. I don't want to talk about that. I don't want to talk about my own

00:12:04.420 deficiencies. I don't want to talk about my temptation with alcoholism. I don't want to talk

00:12:10.600 about the destruction on my part of my 18-year marriage. I don't want to talk about...

00:12:17.840 Excuse me. Hold on. I don't want to talk about my kids growing up without a father figure permanently

00:12:25.380 in their house. I don't want to talk about that. But I'm going to talk about it. Because these are

00:12:31.520 the things that need to be shared. And these are the things that need to be shared with, I think,

00:12:35.880 successful people. Those of us who are hard chargers and driven and ambitious and motivated and

00:12:42.420 maybe even obsessed tend to find vices that we can't dabble in. I don't dabble in drinking.

00:12:50.420 People say, would you like a drink? No, I don't want a drink. I want all the drinks. Because that's

00:12:54.820 my mentality and that's my attitude. But I know where it leads me. And it leads me to a path that

00:13:00.840 puts other people in harm's way. It breaks down the things that are important to me. And so

00:13:07.640 the reason I'm not here with you, part of the reason is because I reevaluated my life over the

00:13:13.300 past 14, 15, 16 months now and decided that I've got to do some things different. I was chasing so

00:13:18.720 many things with regards to business, business opportunities and the ideal perfect version of

00:13:23.620 myself that I began to erode and self-destruct. And so I'm here because I want to watch my son play

00:13:32.100 play football. And that's more important to me than just about anything else. I think what's

00:13:38.080 important to know, though, as you think about, hopefully you're looking at your own life through

00:13:41.760 the lens of mine and you're asking yourself, what are you dealing with? Is it alcoholism?

00:13:47.520 Is it obsession towards something that is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things?

00:13:52.760 Is it, you know, the way that you grew up and the way that you handled trauma or stress?

00:13:58.260 And how, how would you like to handle that? And I think what, what you have to ask yourself is

00:14:04.380 what choice am I going to make now? I've had a lot of people, and again, this is not to toot my own

00:14:09.360 horn, but I've had a lot of people ask me, Ryan, you seem to have recovered so quickly from your

00:14:13.520 divorce. First and foremost, you don't know. You really don't know that anybody who's gone through

00:14:18.920 a divorce knows how horrible it is, you know, and for the most part, yeah, things are okay. And,

00:14:24.820 and her and I have a good working relationship with our kids and things like that. And you know,

00:14:29.580 my, my business is doing well and I feel good about where I am from a physical perspective, but

00:14:33.800 man, there's a lot of lonely nights and, and, and weekends that I just think about all the damage

00:14:39.820 that I've caused. So I don't want anybody to think ever that I just got over this quickly, but

00:14:44.920 I will tell you that I feel pretty happy with my progress. And part of the reason is, is because

00:14:50.520 I decided to make a choice when I was confronted with something that wasn't going right in my life.

00:14:58.740 I could have self-destructed even further. I could have turned back to the bottle. I could have

00:15:03.140 blown up my family. I could have been a total asshole to her. I could have disowned my children.

00:15:07.940 I could have got drunk and drove somewhere and killed somebody or killed myself. I could have

00:15:12.540 even become suicidal. Those are all decisions that people make. And I don't know where people are when

00:15:18.980 they're making those decisions, but I knew where I was. And that wasn't a decision. I had the luxury

00:15:23.120 of making. I had four kids still do that care about me, that love me, that need me as their father.

00:15:29.140 I've got literally hundreds of thousands, if not millions of people who are impacted by the work

00:15:34.380 that we're doing. And I don't have the luxury of self-destructing. And that's the difference between

00:15:39.300 people who are successful and people who are unsuccessful. It's not that the successful ones are free of any

00:15:45.240 hardship or trial and adversity. It's that they make decisions in the moment to overcome,

00:15:50.860 to use those as learning opportunities, to use those as growth experiences, and to change the

00:15:56.040 trajectory of their life for the better. And that's what I decided to do. But it's amazing to me

00:16:01.100 how often when you decide to make a choice like this, and you need to be very, very aware of this.

00:16:07.060 Some of you, I can't see you right now, but some of you are probably nodding up and down. If you're not

00:16:11.000 doing it physically, maybe you're doing it inside and you're thinking, man, this guy's telling my

00:16:15.080 story. I only know that because of how many people have told me this. And you might be thinking that.

00:16:20.660 What I want you to know is that there's going to be a lot of people around you who are vested

00:16:24.780 in the old version of you. The drunk version, the loser version, the pathetic version, the unhealthy

00:16:31.700 version. They're vested in that. But why would anybody be vested in that? Because it gives them

00:16:37.540 permission to act the same. And you really have to consider and evaluate who's in your life. Because

00:16:42.720 if they're vested in you being an inferior version of yourself, that's not somebody that you can

00:16:48.180 entertain and have in your life. I've had to deal with so much feedback and criticism and hostility

00:16:55.660 even over the past year and a half. But those are people I don't want in my life. If you have a vested

00:17:00.400 interest in me being an alcoholic, you can get out of here. I'm not interested in that. If you have a

00:17:05.700 vested interest in kicking me while I'm down, going through one of the most difficult times

00:17:10.940 in my life, you can get out of here. I'm not interested in that. But you know what? If you

00:17:14.680 look to your left and your right and you look in front and behind you right now, I think there's

00:17:18.540 probably 85, 90, 100 people. I don't know how many people are there tonight. If you look around,

00:17:23.520 those are people who are likely to have a vested interest in you succeeding. Because if you succeed,

00:17:28.640 then it whittles away and it removes any sort of excuse they have for not succeeding. But you have

00:17:37.260 to be real about this is that not everybody is going to want you to win. And it's up to you to

00:17:42.560 identify who that is. I said something several months ago. And I think it's really important.

00:17:50.600 And it's summed up this way is that not everyone who praises you is your ally. And not everyone who

00:17:57.640 criticizes you is your enemy. That's one of the hardest things to acknowledge and recognize. Not

00:18:03.320 everybody who praises you is your ally. I found that to be true. People would talk so highly about

00:18:08.940 me and say how wonderful things were. And I would call these individuals up and I would say, man,

00:18:13.920 I'm struggling. I'm dealing with this. I'm having a hard time. And they told me they were my friends.

00:18:18.100 And yet they were unwilling to tell me the truth about how bad it had gotten. And what I actually

00:18:23.460 needed to hear from people. And then I had others who would criticize me. And they would poke at me

00:18:28.580 and they would mock and they would criticize. And I had some who would criticize. And when everything

00:18:33.800 went to shit, those individuals are the ones who called me. And some of them texted me. And they

00:18:39.180 said, what can we do to help? We're here to serve you. That ability to discern who is your friend,

00:18:44.020 who is your ally, and who is your enemy is crucial. And it's not always based on who's praising you or

00:18:49.740 who's criticizing you. It takes something a little bit more. Let's talk a little bit about maybe some

00:18:55.300 symptoms that you can be aware of as you might be dealing with your own adversity. I think these

00:19:02.940 are symptoms I wish I would have acknowledged earlier. Because if I did, or if somebody who would

00:19:07.740 share those with me, then maybe I would have seen the error of my ways earlier and been able to

00:19:12.380 salvage my marriage and a better relationship with my kids. I wrote a book in 2018 called

00:19:19.080 Sovereignty, The Battle for the Hearts and Minds of Men. And guys, it is a battle. Every single day is

00:19:24.680 a battle. You're struggling to grow your business. You're struggling to lead your families. You're

00:19:30.440 struggling to be influential in the community. Whatever your mission is, that's a battle. It's

00:19:36.400 internal. It's intrinsic. It's external. There's all these forces that play and work against you.

00:19:41.660 And it's really important that you maintain your sovereignty. And sovereignty, if you were to strip

00:19:47.920 everything else away from what that word means, is the ability to do what you want, when you want,

00:19:53.760 why you want. And every single day, we're confronted with choices that limit our sovereignty.

00:20:00.360 So many people will give away their sovereignty to employers, for example, because they want that

00:20:04.760 paycheck. And at the same time, they may be asked to do something that goes against their morals.

00:20:08.820 And so what do they do if all they can do is rely on a paycheck because they have a mortgage to pay

00:20:13.880 and kids that they need to feed? Well, they're going to jeopardize their morals. So isn't it crucial

00:20:18.460 then that we learn to become financially sovereign, free of the influence of other people? So if an

00:20:23.900 employer, for example, comes to you and says, hey, I need you to do this thing, and it jeopardizes

00:20:27.840 your morals or values, you can say, no, I'm not going to do that. And you can walk away in comfort

00:20:32.960 knowing that you may not have that steady paycheck, but at least you have your principles,

00:20:37.680 at least you have your honor, and at least you have your integrity. You think about it with

00:20:41.760 fitness and health. How many of us are 30, 40, 50 pounds overweight? We're dealing with medical

00:20:47.660 conditions that we should not be dealing with because we've created it for ourselves. And now

00:20:53.540 we're beholden, we're enslaved to pharmaceutical companies and doctors who we know are not serving

00:20:58.760 our best interest. And yet we're paying three, four, 500, sometimes 1,000 more a month just for

00:21:04.200 that little pill when all it really takes is for you to go to the gym every single day and start

00:21:08.700 eating a little better than you have over the past decade of your life. That's sovereignty.

00:21:13.540 That's what you need. Now, look, I realize that we're trying to serve other people. I think it's

00:21:20.020 noble and righteous to lead, to serve, and even to sacrifice for the people who are relying upon you.

00:21:27.500 But you can't do that unless you're sovereign. You can't do that unless you're taking care of

00:21:32.380 yourself. And last year, it was brought to my attention that I had lost control. A sovereign

00:21:40.960 man doesn't enslave himself to alcohol. I wrote a damn book on it, and yet I still was susceptible to

00:21:48.820 that. So here's some symptoms I want you guys to be aware of as we're thinking about how you might be

00:21:53.540 relinquishing your sovereignty, maybe even unknowingly. Number one, arrogance. You're

00:21:59.660 arrogant. You think you know it all. Man, I was so arrogant a year and a half ago. I thought I was the

00:22:05.620 king of the world. I was on top of everything, millions and millions of podcasts, downloads,

00:22:11.220 people who were buying our merchandise and sharing our stuff and clinging on to every word that I had to

00:22:18.600 share. And I had elevated and propped myself up to a place I did not belong. I put myself on a

00:22:23.780 pedestal. And I'm here to tell you, if at any point you either vocalize or internalize the concept that

00:22:29.600 you got this all figured out, you're about to get kicked in the balls. You really are. And you better

00:22:34.620 be aware of that. If any of you tonight are thinking, I don't need to be here. I know what this

00:22:39.020 guy is going to say. I know what these people are going to share. I've got this all figured out.

00:22:43.080 They could learn something from me. You better tread lightly because something's going to happen.

00:22:48.040 I remember thinking years ago, I was worried because everything was going so well. The business

00:22:53.740 was growing. The family dynamic was wonderful. Finances were in order. My health was in a good

00:22:59.640 place. And I remember being scared, thinking, this is too good. This is too good. Something's

00:23:06.480 going to happen. But in my mind, I could not fathom what would happen. And I never would have

00:23:11.220 imagined what it was, what ended up happening. But it did all the same. We need to be vigilant

00:23:17.180 against ego and arrogance. And remember that we don't have it figured out, that we can be constant

00:23:23.420 learners, and that we can grow every single day. Sometimes people will ask me, I've interviewed over

00:23:28.400 460 successful men now. Ian's one of those men. And sometimes people will ask me, who's the best

00:23:34.720 podcast? What's the best podcast you've ever done? Or what have you learned the most from?

00:23:39.580 It's a hard one for me to answer. I have my personal favorites, of course, but I try to learn

00:23:44.300 something from everybody because everybody has a lesson to teach you, regardless of where they are

00:23:49.840 on the hierarchy of your metric of choice, economic status, physical stature, et cetera, et cetera.

00:23:57.140 Number two, isolation. We cannot isolate. And that's what I was doing. I had this organization

00:24:03.300 of literally hundreds of thousands of men. We run an exclusive brotherhood called the Iron

00:24:07.700 Council. And we had 1,500 or 1,400 people at the time. These are all men who are motivated

00:24:12.440 and ambitious. And I was telling them, hey, band with other guys, talk with other guys,

00:24:16.320 be accountable, create brotherhood, tell them what you're going through, share with them what

00:24:20.440 you've learned. And yet I wasn't doing it for myself. I began to isolate. And part of that was

00:24:24.740 my arrogance. I believe because I was doing so well, nobody understood my challenges. Nobody got me.

00:24:31.760 Nobody understood what I was possibly going through at the time. And that isolation isn't

00:24:38.280 sustainable. I hear it all the time. Guys are like, oh, I'm going to do it myself. You can't

00:24:41.880 trust other people. Number one, that's arrogance. And number two, you're beginning to isolate and you

00:24:46.660 can't solve problems on your own. I don't care if you're a creationist or an evolutionist. Human

00:24:51.160 beings are not designed to live life alone. We're supposed to do it in tribes. We're supposed to do it in

00:24:56.380 packs. We're supposed to talk about our issues with each other. Too many of us are spending time

00:25:00.880 talking about the weather or the game or fantasy football. I don't give a shit about any of that.

00:25:06.140 What I care about is what I'm personally struggling with and what you're personally struggling with

00:25:11.020 so I can figure things out. Like I need to know what you've been through so I can learn from you.

00:25:16.040 You need to know what I've been through so you can learn from me. We cannot isolate. As I went

00:25:21.140 through my divorce, there was a lot of isolation. There's been times where I've literally feel like

00:25:25.360 I've had to drag myself by my own collar out of the house to go be social when I don't want to.

00:25:31.360 I just want to cry and like wallow in my own self-pity. But I know that doesn't lead anywhere

00:25:35.800 good. That doesn't lead anywhere healthy. Instead, it leads me to desperation, depression, anxiety,

00:25:44.140 and potentially even suicidal thoughts. Guys, get around other people.

00:25:48.860 Number three, stagnation. If you feel yourself reaching some sort of pinnacle or reaching some

00:25:54.040 sort of plateau, then you really need to be aware of what's going on. Sometimes when we become

00:25:59.560 successful, we rest on our own laurels and we begin to believe that just because we've had success,

00:26:04.800 that that success will continue. It won't continue. What got you here isn't what's going to get you

00:26:10.440 there. And there's no coast, right? There's no default mode where you can just put it on autopilot

00:26:15.920 and hopefully all of your success will carry you to something else. That's what happened to me.

00:26:21.360 I grew stagnant. I grew complacent. I thought I had it all figured out. I'm like, cool. I got this all

00:26:26.520 on lock. All my systems are automated. I'm good to go. I can check out. I can tune out. I can do

00:26:31.520 whatever I want. And then of course, you can see where the results led us. The next one, burning out.

00:26:37.940 And we go hard, don't we? You guys are all successful people. Guys and gals, we're all

00:26:43.460 successful here. You wouldn't be here if you weren't successful in your own right. And so we go

00:26:48.360 hard. And because we go hard, we forget to take care of ourselves. We're worried about focusing on

00:26:53.340 others. We're worried about our bottom line. We're worried about the employee who might be dealing

00:26:57.140 with something. We're worried about our wife or our husband or our kids. And we're just pouring,

00:27:01.340 pouring, pouring, pouring into everybody else. And then eventually, we come to realize that

00:27:07.580 our tank is empty. That's where the burnout happens. We've got to find ways to disengage

00:27:13.140 from those things. And we've got to find ways to take care of ourselves on a daily basis. That could

00:27:18.120 be working out. That could be meditation. That could be a hobby or an activity or something that

00:27:22.540 you're interested in. Maybe trying something new. Maybe going on an intentional vacation.

00:27:27.100 But doing something so that you can refuel the tank so that you're not going to burn out

00:27:31.340 and crash and burn and hurt yourself and other people. And the last point that I would say here

00:27:35.840 is a symptom is a loss of meaning and significance. If this goes away, that's like a red light indicator

00:27:41.880 on your dashboard saying, hey, something's going to check engine light. If you're feeling like you

00:27:47.360 have no more meaning or significance in your life, it's time for you to start to change things up.

00:27:51.840 Because that's an indicator that you're going to crash and burn. You haven't yet,

00:27:55.760 but you might if you don't address the issue that don't address the problem. These are all symptoms

00:28:00.400 we need to be aware of. And really, what I want to do now is talk with you about the solution.

00:28:04.320 Because I don't want to just rain on your parade as we start this evening. But let's talk about the

00:28:08.860 solution. I hope you can take notes. I hope you've got a pen handy. Somebody earlier was mentioning to

00:28:13.700 take notes. And I think this will be helpful. So the solution to this, the solution to maintaining

00:28:19.220 your sovereignty, and the solution to getting yourself back on track as I have. And although

00:28:23.440 there's still a wake of collateral damage in my path that I'm working to repair, I'm on the path to

00:28:29.320 doing so because of these solutions. Number one, having a vision for yourself. That's why I'm here.

00:28:36.040 That's why I'm not with you guys physically. Because I have a vision. All of the decisions I

00:28:41.280 can make on a daily basis are measured against a litmus test of a vision. If I didn't have that

00:28:46.440 vision about rekindling and reconnecting with my children in a way that I haven't over the past

00:28:51.800 couple of years, I'd probably be there with you. And that would not be advantageous for them.

00:28:56.080 And that would not be good for me. Might be good for you because I'd be there. But it wouldn't be

00:28:59.780 good ultimately for what I want and what I have a desire to do and who I'm meant to serve, which is

00:29:04.720 my children. So if you don't have a vision and you aren't thinking about that on a daily basis,

00:29:09.820 I would highly, highly encourage you to draft, to journal, to focus, to take time every day to

00:29:16.580 think about how life could be. What kind of man or woman do you want to be? When this type of man or

00:29:21.820 woman comes across a negative situation or circumstance, how does that kind of person

00:29:28.720 behave? I thought about that a lot with my marriage. I could have turned into a real

00:29:33.460 asshole towards her. I could have smeared her. I could have thrown her under the bus. I could

00:29:37.920 have done all sorts of things because of the platform I have. And I made a commitment early

00:29:43.260 in the divorce process that I would never speak negatively about her. Even if I wanted to, I don't

00:29:48.820 have a lot to say negative about her. She's a wonderful woman. But I decided to take a higher

00:29:54.860 road. But that was deliberate. Don't for a second think that I didn't want to smear her. Don't for a

00:30:00.440 second think that I didn't want to put all the blame on her about the demise of our relationship.

00:30:05.300 Of course, I wanted to do that. But I made a decision that I'm going to take the high road,

00:30:10.540 that I'm going to be the type of man that this, looking back on this situation, that I would be proud

00:30:16.280 of becoming. And that's something you can do when it comes to your vision. A lot of times people will

00:30:21.040 ask me, hey, Ryan, I've got this job offer. And I make a little bit more money. Or let's say it

00:30:29.180 this way. I've got this job offer and I'd make a little bit less, but I'm going to travel a lot

00:30:33.700 more and then the income is higher. Or I can stay here. I'm not quite as satisfied, but I'll be home

00:30:39.420 with my family. What should I do? I can't answer that question for you. Only you can answer that.

00:30:44.320 But a frame of reference is to fast forward 30 years, looking back over your life, back to the

00:30:50.220 decision that you're making today, 30 years from now, which decision will you be happy that you

00:30:55.460 made? Which decision will you be happy that you made? This is a vision exercise. When things go

00:31:02.400 wrong, what kind of man or woman are you going to be? How are you going to show up? How are you going

00:31:05.680 to serve others? When things don't go your way, when you have opportunities to do things that go

00:31:10.700 against your morals or your better judgment, what are you going to do? You have to make those

00:31:14.400 decisions now. How many times have you heard from people, for example, who will say things like,

00:31:18.720 I had an affair and I just lost myself in the moment. You shouldn't have lost yourself in the

00:31:22.760 moment because you should have been aware of what you would do in those circumstances when they

00:31:27.220 presented themselves. This is why we need to spend so much time focusing on what we want and who we want

00:31:33.960 to be. Next is executing. When I talk to people about their vision, a lot of people say, well,

00:31:39.740 I want to make more money. Great. We all want to make more money. What exactly does that mean?

00:31:44.920 How much money? How are you going to make that money? What are you going to do with that money?

00:31:49.340 How are you going to pay taxes on that money? How are you going to invest it? These are things that

00:31:54.140 you need to be aware of. So as you're jotting this down and you're thinking about these things

00:31:57.460 throughout the evening, and I'm sure other presenters will talk about these things,

00:32:00.220 I don't want to hear, I want to be healthier. I don't want to hear, I want to make more money.

00:32:04.820 I don't want to hear, I want to be a better father. What the hell do you mean? What exactly do you mean?

00:32:10.820 Because the more clear you can get about what you want to do, for example, I want to make $50,000

00:32:16.840 more this year. I want to lose 20 more pounds in the next 60 days. I want to, instead of just being a

00:32:24.880 great father, I want to coach my son's basketball team, whatever that looks like. The more

00:32:30.160 clear you can be about your objectives, the more likely it is, and this is scientifically proven,

00:32:35.440 the more likely it is that you'll actually produce the result that you desire. It's our lack of clarity

00:32:40.800 that causes us confusion and moves us into doing nothing, right? Think about this for a second.

00:32:46.520 You go into your closet and you've got 17,000 different items that you can wear. Does that make

00:32:51.540 your selection of your wardrobe for the day easier or harder? It makes it harder because you have so many

00:32:56.640 options. So let's get rid of the noise. Let's get rid of the nonsense. Let's start minimizing our choices

00:33:04.080 so that we can make more effective ones and actually get to taking action. I read a quote from, I think it

00:33:12.240 was, I don't know if Chris Williamson said this, Modern Wisdom Podcast, or if he was quoting something,

00:33:18.560 but he basically said something like, thinking about the thing isn't doing the thing. Talking about the thing

00:33:25.640 isn't doing the thing. Planning to do the thing isn't doing the thing. Emailing or texting or calling

00:33:31.220 your friends about doing the thing isn't doing the thing. These are all the things that we think

00:33:35.620 we're actually moving the needle. You're not. Even tonight, you're not doing the thing. I'm not

00:33:41.380 saying this is bad that you shouldn't be here, but let's make no qualms about it. You're not doing

00:33:45.880 the thing tonight. You're learning what you can do, but there comes a point in time, and hopefully it's

00:33:50.540 tonight or tomorrow morning where you decide to take action on what you learned tonight. The only time

00:33:54.760 you're doing the thing is when you're actually doing the thing. We need to take action, but we

00:33:59.000 need to have the vision first, and then we need to be clear, crystal clear, exactly on what we want.

00:34:05.160 Number three, guys, is we're going to start looking at our assets and resources. There's things that you

00:34:09.900 don't know. There's things that you need. It might be financial capital. It might mean information.

00:34:14.600 It might be literally a tool that you need to be able to build a home, for example, but there's assets

00:34:20.040 that you need. The greatest asset I would suggest to you is something that you're engaged in right

00:34:24.880 now. It's other people, and this is the one that we often overlook. We don't think about engaging with

00:34:30.820 other people. We don't think about enlisting other people, and you'll hear things. People will say,

00:34:35.520 well, you know, I just don't want to burden anybody. You're not burdening anybody by asking for help.

00:34:40.500 That person wants to help you. Can you imagine? Imagine this for a second. Somebody comes to you and

00:34:46.280 says, hey, Joe, I know you're really successful in business. Let's say this happens tonight. Somebody

00:34:50.940 comes to you and says, hey, I've been following you. You're really successful in business, and I

00:34:54.200 have a couple of questions for you. Does it cross your mind that you're like, hmm, you're kind of being

00:34:59.060 a burden to me tonight? Of course. You would never say that. You wouldn't even think that. The only time

00:35:05.200 you think that is when you need help, when you need to reach out to somebody. I don't want to burden

00:35:11.200 people. I don't want to put them out. They want to serve you. You want to serve other people. It's

00:35:17.740 safe to assume that other people want to serve you. If you're in the right audiences, and you are

00:35:21.800 tonight, those individuals, they want to serve you, but they're not going to guess. You have to

00:35:27.920 open your mouth and exhibit a little bit of courage and say, you know what? That guy knows what he's

00:35:31.500 doing. That gal seems to have things figured out. I'm going to go talk with her. I'm going to go talk

00:35:36.060 with him. I'm going to ask good, poignant questions so I can learn. And also, you're giving somebody an

00:35:41.780 opportunity to serve. That was one of the biggest mind shifts for me is that when I ask for help from

00:35:47.900 other people, whether it's my buddy and asking him to help me move or help with a business thing or Ian

00:35:53.360 asking me to present here, those are all opportunities for us to create moments where other people can serve.

00:36:00.120 It's actually valuable to other people to ask them for their help. We don't often look at it like

00:36:06.900 that, but who are you and who am I to rob somebody of the opportunity to serve another human being?

00:36:14.960 And if you keep your mouth shut and you don't open it and you don't talk about what you're dealing

00:36:19.620 with, you don't ask for help when appropriate, you're robbing people of the opportunity to serve

00:36:24.580 you. And you would appreciate that opportunity. It's safe to assume that they would as well.

00:36:28.800 Guys, the last thing that I wanted to talk with you about as far as solutions

00:36:32.420 is we have to be doing what I call an after action review. And what that means is that after every

00:36:38.120 engagement, after every conversation, after every task, after every phone call, after every podcast,

00:36:44.100 I'm going to do it after this presentation is I'm going to go through and I'm going to ask myself

00:36:48.680 five questions. Five questions. Number one, what did I accomplish? And I'm going to be very honest

00:36:56.900 about that. Number two, what did I not accomplish? So I set out to do this thing. Here's what I got

00:37:03.260 done, but did I complete it fully? Number three, in what ways did I do it well? So now we're talking

00:37:11.460 about our strengths. How did I do this well? Number four, what didn't I do well? What areas can I improve

00:37:20.900 upon and how can I grow and get better? And number five, what am I going to do next? What am I going

00:37:27.580 to do next? So if you're doing an after action review at the end of the day, and you've got your

00:37:31.400 list of things, you can write down, you had 10 things and maybe you got six done, but you didn't

00:37:35.220 do four. You were really good on staying on task and staying on target. But to question number four,

00:37:41.440 there was a few people who you allowed to distract you and pull into your day that you shouldn't have.

00:37:46.480 So tomorrow you're going to be a little bit more clear or aware of how little distractions are

00:37:52.300 sucking time from your day. That would be an example of an after action review. But you're

00:37:57.220 going to do that after every conversation, every task, every engagement, every hobby, every activity,

00:38:02.840 every podcast, every phone call, every presentation. It's the only way to improve. If you're honest with

00:38:08.240 what you did well, and you can be, by the way, some people will say, ah, don't focus on that. No,

00:38:12.860 you should focus on the things you do well, but also remember that there's areas of improvement

00:38:17.000 that you can have as well. That's what I wanted to share with you guys today. I hope that serves

00:38:21.660 you. As I said, I didn't want to share that stuff with you, but it's important that I do.

00:38:27.320 And I hope that you can see your own life, regardless of where you are on the timeline.

00:38:32.740 You know, this was like D-Day for me, my divorce, right? And you might be past that, or you might be

00:38:38.820 behind that, and that may not happen, or maybe you're in the throes of it right now. I don't know what

00:38:42.540 you're going through. I don't know where you are, but I know that regardless of where you are on that

00:38:48.020 timeline, if you implement these things, you look out for the pitfalls. You look out for the

00:38:53.220 arrogance, the isolation, the stagnation, the burnout, the loss of meaning and purpose, and

00:38:57.920 instead, infuse into your life vision, execution, other people, assets, resources, and then constantly

00:39:05.580 review your efforts. You're going to have a lot of success coming out of what you might be dealing

00:39:09.920 with. So again, I appreciate you guys. If you want to send me an email, you can email me at

00:39:17.620 ryanatorderofman.com. If I had more time with you guys, I don't, because I know we're trying to get

00:39:22.080 to the next presenter. I would answer questions. But if you do have a question, ryanatorderofman.com,

00:39:28.440 clearly I'm an open book. So don't feel like it's too sensitive to ask me. You can follow me on

00:39:34.200 Instagram at ryanmickler or follow us at orderofman.com. So again, I appreciate it. Again,

00:39:40.940 I'm sorry that I could not be there, but I am really grateful that I got to participate.

00:39:45.480 And I'm sure I'll see a lot of you guys on the coaching calls coming down the line as well.

00:39:50.060 Thank you guys. Appreciate it. Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.

00:39:54.100 You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.

00:39:57.700 We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

00:40:04.200 Thank you.

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