Pearl - Jeff St. James Shares Pearls of Wisdom

00:00:00.000 I don't know. I think it's just like a get out of jail free card they use later.

00:00:05.220 I'm like, you did not look traumatized when you were like hanging out with Tyrone, Chad, Gavin.

00:00:10.680 You seem fine. OK, so you want to convert me today.

00:00:14.720 Well, we'll get to that later.

00:00:17.540 So what is your opinion that on the current dating markets and intersexual dynamics between men and women?

00:00:23.700 OK, in terms of what's going on presently and how we got here in my last interview, I kind of mentioned that the pill and birth control, sexual liberation, women entering the workforce in mass and social media slash dating apps has really changed how we as human beings kind of see each other in the general trajectory of where we're heading as a civilization, especially in terms of Western cultures.

00:00:49.440 More or less, the end result is now that women have basically delayed motherhood and marriage, increased their chances of experiencing a lot of trauma and pain from the frequent relationships that don't work through their teens and 20s and possibly 30s.

00:01:05.140 And also decreasing just the overall trust in each other, men and women, as well as increasing the perspective of just wanting transactional expectations on the other side.

00:01:16.440 We've now developed very false beliefs in terms of what's available whenever things don't just keep working out.

00:01:24.720 We can give up. We can leave relationships. We can get divorced.

00:01:28.300 And then that's pretty much led us to where we are, where we are declining as a civilization in terms of our birth rate.

00:01:34.400 So I think that's in essence what is going on at this point.

00:01:37.900 And do you think it's because of the pill or like what do you think are the root causes behind it?

00:01:42.520 Each one of these things that I listed gave options to women that perhaps they didn't have or didn't have nearly as much as they did.

00:01:51.540 Sure. In the past, women could have gotten hangers and, you know, went in the back alley to kind of get that situation addressed. 1.00

00:01:57.320 But once it became more formalized in medical settings, it made their ability to be able to delay a lot of things that were typically done earlier for women and throughout human history. 0.75

00:02:09.300 They said, oh, I can wait till I'm my late 20s. I can wait till my 30s to do this now.

00:02:13.120 And simultaneously, I can now have sex and choose my suitor.

00:02:16.220 So that was one way in which they kind of opened up the door for women specifically to start to approach dating and marriage differently. 1.00

00:02:25.600 Then when you had the sexual liberation movement, they were convinced that trying to do life like men, especially sexually, was going to have all of these significant benefits.

00:02:35.780 The consequence, unfortunately, is not only was it a rise and increase in STDs, a rise and increase in single mother households, but also probably a significant degree of dissatisfaction with women when it comes to their ability to be able to pair bond, their ability to remain satisfied, and always the comparisons of what's next or who's next or who could be better.

00:02:58.660 So, yeah, I think that, you know, many of these and then, of course, we can't forget the social media and dating apps.

00:03:05.400 It's just it's convinced a generation of women specifically in the West that there's always a better alternative. 1.00

00:03:13.040 There's always the best option. And that with the influx of the likes, the influx of the comments, the influx of men in their DMs, they're convinced that because there's so many of these men that want me, that I have all these options.

00:03:27.160 And the reality is they wouldn't sleep with most of those men. They wouldn't be in relationships with most of those men.

00:03:32.680 But they've, in essence, kind of conflated all this attention I get on the outside with the reality of how few men I actually want and can actually end up with.

00:03:42.800 I think it almost reveals women don't like men as much as we originally thought.

00:03:48.020 Would you agree with that or do you disagree?

00:03:51.520 This is a tough one. 0.99

00:03:52.760 Because it's like the second you're like, do you want to kill their kids? They're like, yup. 0.96

00:03:57.500 They're like, the second they're like, do you want to leave your husbands? They're like, yup.

00:04:03.560 The second they're like, do you want to be moms? Do you guys want to wait?

00:04:07.740 They're like, let me wait as long as possible.

00:04:10.740 You know, they say like revealed preferences versus stated preferences.

00:04:14.900 So like people say they want things, but if you look at like their actions, it's not like it's like the fat friend you keep taking to the gym.

00:04:21.420 And they're like, I want to lose weight.

00:04:26.200 And you're like, all right, come to the gym.

00:04:28.640 First of all, you know, I got a job, right?

00:04:32.120 I'm going to try to keep it.

00:04:33.020 What I would say in response to that, believe it or not, is that I do agree that with optionality, people's natures have definitely been revealed much more clearly.

00:04:44.380 But with that said, I don't know if I was a woman and I had this many options and an ability to get so much attention so early and so often that I wouldn't have potentially adopted much of that mindset, too, if I were in their shoes for at least a season.

00:05:02.300 But the issue is, is actually not simply that it's revealed that women have the capacity to be just as grimy as men in some respects. 0.94

00:05:12.540 It also revealed that I think they saw something that it revealed something in women that I don't think most men factored in.

00:05:21.080 It was a secret before women could just say like, like, oh, that was the women today, the past. 0.88

00:05:27.420 We weren't like that.

00:05:28.300 And I'm like, yeah, grandma, there's no smartphones.

00:05:30.620 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:05:32.660 I don't buy that women. 1.00

00:05:33.840 And this is the difference.

00:05:35.420 I think the only difference between women today and women of the past is cameras, social media and the ability for us to see it more readily available. 0.98

00:05:46.760 I think women have always done what they wanted to do and pick their best option that they thought they can get in terms of a spouse very quickly might move on if a guy wasn't the right fit. 1.00

00:05:56.180 And I think female dating strategy strategies by default is definitely different than men's. 0.98

00:06:02.160 And I don't think that that changed as much as it probably got exacerbated with all these things that I mentioned.

00:06:08.800 Yeah, I agree.

00:06:09.360 The one thing I think you said that I might have a different opinion on.

00:06:13.040 I don't think I think you said women are like traumatized from sleeping around. 1.00

00:06:17.960 I don't know.

00:06:19.460 No, I think it's just like a get out of jail free card they use later.

00:06:24.320 I'm like, you did not look traumatized when you were like hanging out with Tyrone, Chad, Gavin.

00:06:29.680 You seem fine.

00:06:31.520 Yeah.

00:06:31.960 Yeah.

00:06:32.100 But then you're going to like cry later.

00:06:33.880 But I think it's just so they could get a husband because like obviously they can't be like, oh, I really enjoyed that.

00:06:39.740 It was a lot of fun.

00:06:40.720 And so, yeah, as a trauma, yeah, sorry to cut you off as a trauma therapist, I actually know what trauma is.

00:06:47.920 So it's very fascinating to see women and people specifically that overuse trauma and everybody that I was with in the past as a narcissist, like actually know what these terms mean and know how to measure them.

00:06:58.640 So when I mean it, what I actually mean is, is that, yeah, they actually increase their chances to experience trauma because you keep dealing with so many men who you haven't probably vetted properly.

00:07:08.160 So, yeah, but a lot of times when they're using those words, it's not actually applying to the case.

00:07:14.120 No, they don't want to vet them properly.

00:07:16.180 You know what I mean?

00:07:17.460 They just want six pack abs. 0.80

00:07:22.980 Okay.

00:07:23.640 So tell me what you mean by qualified and unqualified men.

00:07:27.820 So, yeah, in my last interview with the ladies at Sharing My Truth podcast, I had mentioned that there were men that were considered qualified and there were men that were considered unqualified and that their experiences with women tends to be radically different.

00:07:44.220 The men that I would say are qualified are typically men that have good to great income.

00:07:50.200 They meet a certain height requirement, typically six feet or above.

00:07:55.600 They're in fairly decent shape, fairly charismatic, confident, desired by multiple women and respected by multiple men.

00:08:03.280 Those are the men that I would say and most people would kind of identify as quote unquote qualified to have options with women, to be able to push off commitment, to be able to sleep with multiple women simultaneously at the same time and never have to lead towards marriage.

00:08:18.300 These are the quote unquote men that qualify to get access to women's sex, softness, love, intimacy, et cetera.

00:08:29.040 Whereas the men that are quote unquote unqualified, they're usually missing multiple of those checkboxes, if not all of them.

00:08:36.580 So, yeah, go ahead.

00:08:38.020 Where would you put men like, because there's certain men in just certain environments where they're broke, but they get a lot of women. 0.99

00:08:44.460 Like, you know how it is, the salsa instructor, like the club promoter, you know what I mean?

00:08:50.740 Where would you put them as qualified or unqualified if like they don't have the money, but they still get women, you know, the bartender in L.A. 1.00

00:08:59.660 They got all the actors.

00:09:01.400 But yeah, sorry.

00:09:01.920 Go ahead.

00:09:03.020 Yeah.

00:09:03.300 For men that are don't check off all the boxes, you typically have to be exceptional at least one or two.

00:09:10.740 Okay.

00:09:11.740 So the men that are unqualified are pretty much not doing anything in any of these areas significant, like kind of stand out.

00:09:18.340 So for instance, the guy that's really, really tall and is like pretty charismatic and has nothing else with the things I kind of listed, he'll do well.

00:09:27.880 Because he's exceptionally tall and he knows he's a good talker, right?

00:09:32.660 So we see it.

00:09:33.640 Whereas the guys who can't talk to women, the guys who are not that tall, the guys that don't make any money, the more it gets to a point where she either friend zones you or doesn't even acknowledge you.

00:09:43.180 Yeah.

00:09:43.700 You ever meet a guy that gets a girl to pay his rent? 0.99

00:09:46.840 I haven't seen that.

00:09:47.920 Oh, I'm jealous of them guys, man.

00:09:49.940 Jealous, jealous, jealous of them guys.

00:09:52.420 Can you talk more about attraction triggers and define what they are?

00:09:56.320 Yeah, so they're different, obviously on an individual by individual level.

00:10:02.140 But the things that I just listed are typically from the female side, typically some of the key cues that they're looking for. 0.99

00:10:10.400 So from an attraction trigger perspective, women typically don't want to get with the guy that they can't sense that other women also think is attractive.

00:10:19.080 So the problem that we're kind of having in terms of like this whole topic and this discussion that's going on when you think about it is like these women are only picking men that they believe other women want and trying to ensure and guarantee that that guy is going to be monogamous and with them for the rest of their lives. 0.71

00:10:39.560 So their attraction triggers are putting them in a small pool, dealing with a small pool of men that they're often being disappointed with as a result.

00:10:49.520 Whereas on the flip side with men, many of their attraction triggers, a lot of women confuse that because they assume that they would be the same.

00:10:56.040 Oh, I make so much money.

00:10:57.500 I make this much money.

00:10:58.380 I have this degree.

00:10:59.140 I got a car.

00:11:00.020 I got this.

00:11:00.440 I got that.

00:11:01.300 None of those things apply to men, especially men that have those things.

00:11:04.660 So men, many of our attraction triggers are softness, femininity, nurturing, the desire to potentially start a family, a willingness to be able to listen and learn from him and not feel like she has to constantly lead or dominate.

00:11:20.300 Those are a lot of the things that men are typically looking for and particularly attracted to.

00:11:25.000 So for whatever reason, it seems like men, a lot of men aren't checking off the boxes in terms of attraction triggers that women are typically looking for.

00:11:35.380 And unfortunately, in the West, that's probably true to an extent because a lot of the women, unfortunately, in this country and in Canada and in UK and in Australia and other Western countries, they don't desire the need to develop those things that men are attracted to.

00:11:50.960 They just project what they want onto the man and expect them to expect the same from them.

00:11:55.920 You know, it's interesting because I've interviewed a thousand women on my show and the women that I met that I would say had the highest femininity. 0.99

00:12:06.120 There was always like a reason.

00:12:07.720 There's always a but like it was very necessary.

00:12:10.420 Like they either highly struggled with weight or had children.

00:12:13.980 So it seemed like it was kind of made out of like necessity.

00:12:17.280 And I was in London, so I was interviewing women from all over the world.

00:12:21.240 But I would find if there was ever like really, really high femininity, there would always be a catch.

00:12:26.840 Is that what you've seen?

00:12:29.480 Is that what you've seen?

00:12:31.020 Or maybe you've seen other things.

00:12:34.120 It's a mix.

00:12:35.140 It's a mix.

00:12:35.680 So sometimes it's actually because of religious upbringing and them being very sheltered and still sheltered because typically and you'll see it and you've probably talked about it on your show.

00:12:46.560 There's definitely instances where they had a great father that was very caring and very protective.

00:12:51.500 And, you know, before you knew it, they ended up, you know, going to college and all of that went out the window.

00:12:57.200 Right.

00:12:58.140 So, yeah, sometimes life life humbles them.

00:13:01.400 Sometimes it's because of their background and what they're still remaining.

00:13:04.160 And I definitely agree that it's rarer to find in Western countries for sure.

00:13:09.960 But I've also experienced women who tend to stay to themselves and are not really in the mix. 0.92

00:13:17.600 And I don't want to say that they're female loners, but they normally won't catch the eye of most men unless they just happen to be in a second proximity. 1.00

00:13:28.460 Yeah.

00:13:31.900 Of the men that you said are like able to cheat, in your experience, what percent do?

00:13:39.360 So not what you've read, not what you've seen online, like in your personal, what you've seen in real life.

00:13:44.800 Hmm.

00:13:45.720 If I had to put a genuine, true number on it, I would think 30 to 40 percent of men probably have cheated.

00:13:54.420 And this is going to be one of the first shocking things I'm going to say on your show.

00:13:58.000 I think women cheat far more. 1.00

00:14:00.140 Oh, yeah. 0.77

00:14:00.440 Far more.

00:14:01.280 They're better cheaters.

00:14:02.620 They're more secretive about it.

00:14:04.400 They don't get the same punishments for doing that, doing it like men will. 0.98

00:14:08.500 So, yeah.

00:14:09.920 And even when they do cheat and they admit it to each other, they don't view their cheating the same way they view men's cheating.

00:14:18.160 So this is why they can still remain friends with homegirls that they knew were doing all this stuff on the side.

00:14:23.920 Whereas for a man to do it, they have to destroy his entire life and character and legacy as a result.

00:14:30.160 So, yeah.

00:14:31.480 And this is the other thing.

00:14:32.680 When you're a guy that other women, when you're young or older, that's pretty attractive enough to kind of be around women enough, you'll be the guy that they're cheating with.

00:14:42.920 And you'll start to be like, oh, my gosh.

00:14:45.380 Like, how common is this?

00:14:47.420 And you always feel bad.

00:14:49.060 And you're like, man, I hope I'm never that guy.

00:14:50.940 And you learn, like, these guys will never know.

00:14:54.560 A lot of these guys would never, ever, ever know.

00:14:56.880 So I absolutely think that probably 30 to 40 percent of men cheat or have cheated.

00:15:02.320 And I think that number is probably 50 to 60 percent of women. 0.99

00:15:07.080 And I'm and I'm honestly probably being conservative when I say that.

00:15:10.540 Yeah.

00:15:10.760 And that doesn't include like messages and like like I'm assuming you're just limiting it to physical cheating.

00:15:16.860 Right.

00:15:17.900 Yeah.

00:15:18.080 If you included women having like a work husband or something else, it would probably be even 80 or 90 percent. 0.83

00:15:25.840 Listen, I don't know about 80, 90 percent.

00:15:28.020 But what I have observed is that there are other things that I've seen the double standard when the things that they will go off on a man for in terms of cheating or looking for attention and validation outside the relationship.

00:15:44.020 They have no problem receiving it on their end.

00:15:46.060 If if if they see that their man, their boyfriend, their husband is liking another woman's picture, they will freak out.

00:15:53.380 But the idea of them making their profile private, they're like, why would I do that?

00:15:59.200 He's controlling.

00:16:00.460 So they just see these things like totally different, like people liking their bikini pictures that are not women.

00:16:07.120 They just was like, that's just normal.

00:16:09.240 But him liking a woman who who who's half naked or in a bikini is it's a problem.

00:16:15.800 So I don't think that they typically see their cheating and they're seeking validation outside the relationship in quite the same way.

00:16:23.560 So that's why I actually think the numbers are somewhat skewed to be a little bit higher.

00:16:26.720 And in your experience, who's more likely to forgive cheating, men or women?

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00:18:12.620 Women, but I think women and men are in similar territory with that. 1.00

00:18:20.940 I think it's only the men who aren't operating from a scarcity mindset that have no problem with being like, get out.

00:18:28.120 I'm good.

00:18:28.960 I will never see her talk to you again.

00:18:30.940 Only the men that know that they can easily replace her typically will do that.

00:18:34.680 Most men, if they know, you know, it's going to be very difficult to replace her, I have all this other stuff going on.

00:18:40.820 They'll just kind of endure and try to go to therapy and try to work it out.

00:18:45.100 Whereas a lot of women, despite the horrible stats in terms of how much they initiate breakups and divorces, 1.00

00:18:50.940 oftentimes it's not after the first time.

00:18:55.260 It's usually after repeated offenses that they eventually get to that point where they get jaded,

00:18:59.360 they change their feelings, and then they start planning their escape when the whole guy thinks that we've moved on from it.

00:19:05.900 I think that, and I want to see if you agree, I think there's alpha and beta cheating.

00:19:10.900 There's women that get cheated on by guys with options, and they'll usually stick it out, 1.00

00:19:17.480 but there's nothing worse than a woman getting cheated on by a guy who she thinks can't.

00:19:23.800 Those are like the biggest crash outs I've seen.

00:19:25.960 And I want to know if you agree or disagree.

00:19:29.360 Listen, I never described it or conceptualized it in that way, but now that I think about it,

00:19:35.420 it does make sense that there seems to, why is it that so many of her exes that are the cheaters and the abusers,

00:19:42.280 she'll go through all this stuff with these guys, and then it's the guy that's the good guy,

00:19:47.540 one infraction, and he's gone.

00:19:50.200 She's done.

00:19:51.000 Yeah, I didn't describe it in that way.

00:19:53.060 I think I'm going to steal that from you.

00:19:54.200 It's like Jeff Bezos's wife.

00:19:56.760 Because she, obviously, when they got together, he was like the nerdy kid.

00:20:02.620 And now he's cheating.

00:20:04.140 She's like, no.

00:20:05.940 Because she doesn't see who he is now.

00:20:08.440 She doesn't see who he is now.

00:20:11.120 She still sees the guy she started with.

00:20:14.120 I don't know if that's, yeah.

00:20:17.400 Is the woman he's with now, is that his current, is that his first wife or is this his second wife?

00:20:21.780 No, this is the second.

00:20:22.800 He cheated on his first wife with her.

00:20:25.440 Oh, okay.

00:20:25.860 So the second wife, all I, the only image I have of her, forgive me for this, 0.99

00:20:31.040 but like it was when they were on a red carpet and Leonardo DiCaprio was standing in front of the two of them.

00:20:35.820 And seeing her face marveling at this man in front of her boyfriend slash husband was like fascinating to me.

00:20:43.560 And I'm like, he is a billionaire and she's still gawking at this other dude.

00:20:47.180 I'm like, oh, ain't none of a safe man.

00:20:49.940 That woman has to be studied. 1.00

00:20:52.380 Like, it's just Will Smith, Jeff Bezos, Steph Curry.

00:20:59.960 It just doesn't seem to matter how high a guy gets.

00:21:03.900 A woman will humble him by accident. 1.00

00:21:06.380 By accident sometimes.

00:21:08.520 It's amazing to see.

00:21:10.120 No, if you look at the last wife's dating history, it's like had a kid with an NFL player, 1.00

00:21:17.060 then broke up with him, married a hundred million, then broke up with him and married a billion.

00:21:22.380 And I'm like, she still has the ability to secure rings,

00:21:27.200 even though she has two different baby daddies and she's like 55.

00:21:32.480 She collected them rings like infinity stones.

00:21:34.780 Yeah, that's what I said.

00:21:35.860 I said, you know what?

00:21:36.740 There's some women that you don't know what the hell they got because they're clearly, 1.00

00:21:41.120 she must gluck gluck or something. 1.00

00:21:43.060 I don't know.

00:21:43.940 She got that thing on it. 0.98

00:21:45.380 That's all I know.

00:21:46.160 She got that thing.

00:21:47.100 I don't know.

00:21:48.860 Okay.

00:21:49.860 So the next topic we're going to talk about is passport bros.

00:21:54.320 What is your opinion on men that go overseas to date?

00:21:57.980 Do you think that's a good idea, a bad idea?

00:22:00.160 What's your general take on it?

00:22:03.400 I'm actually, believe it or not, fairly neutral because first of all,

00:22:06.360 these are grown men that can do whatever they want with their money and their time and their energy.

00:22:09.780 But with that said, I want men that are doing it to be very intentional and cautious with the countries that they're doing that in.

00:22:17.620 Because a lot of times when men put themselves in these situations,

00:22:19.880 I know that men are going for all hosts of different reasons.

00:22:23.100 Some to find a feminine woman who they can build a life and family with. 1.00

00:22:27.000 Some because they just want to do sexual tourism.

00:22:29.620 Some just for the sake of being able to have fun during trips.

00:22:32.520 I get the whole nine, right?

00:22:34.360 All these different reasons and rationales and justifications for doing it.

00:22:37.480 Cool. My issue and concern is twofold.

00:22:41.780 One, men have to recognize that what do you think the men that are in some of these countries,

00:22:48.620 especially the countries where your dollar goes further, how do these men feel about you?

00:22:53.740 And you have to be cautious as more and more men that are coming from your area are doing the same thing.

00:22:59.560 These men will start to get more tribal and possessive about seeing all of these foreigners coming into their territory. 0.95

00:23:06.840 It's almost like a sexual form of gentrification.

00:23:11.620 It's a thing where people start seeing you creeping in and you could actually start putting yourself a little bit at risk.

00:23:17.980 So make sure that you're kind of being safe with the areas and environments that you're doing and putting yourself in.

00:23:22.700 And then number two, although it's fine to do that, and it is what it is,

00:23:29.320 I do wonder if there's men that haven't figured out how to get some of the experiences that they're getting over there back here.

00:23:39.000 My issue is, I'm in the camp that I've learned that if you can talk to the most beautiful women in one country,

00:23:49.140 you can effectively do it everywhere.

00:23:51.420 The difference is really just the expectations of what is granted.

00:23:55.140 So these women in other countries can actually be just as forward and straight up front about what it is from a transactional standpoint they want from you. 1.00

00:24:02.920 The difference is they're just softer and more feminine when they do it. 0.89

00:24:07.020 They still want something from you. 0.98

00:24:08.800 They're not just having sex with you guys for free. 0.99

00:24:10.640 They're not like, oh, he's American. 0.99

00:24:12.020 Cool. 0.96

00:24:12.620 Let me let you smash. 0.96

00:24:13.920 It's really about like you're still paying in some way, shape or form.

00:24:18.320 I'm not going to use Myron's quote of the whole was that all women are gold diggers necessarily,

00:24:22.140 but they all 99% of them don't want you to come with nothing to the table when you're approaching them.

00:24:29.600 So if you're going to do that abroad, be safe about it, be smart about it and do you.

Pearl - July 11, 2025

Jeff St. James Shares Pearls of Wisdom

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