00:00:17.540So what is your opinion that on the current dating markets and intersexual dynamics between men and women?
00:00:23.700OK, in terms of what's going on presently and how we got here in my last interview, I kind of mentioned that the pill and birth control, sexual liberation, women entering the workforce in mass and social media slash dating apps has really changed how we as human beings kind of see each other in the general trajectory of where we're heading as a civilization, especially in terms of Western cultures.
00:00:49.440More or less, the end result is now that women have basically delayed motherhood and marriage, increased their chances of experiencing a lot of trauma and pain from the frequent relationships that don't work through their teens and 20s and possibly 30s.
00:01:05.140And also decreasing just the overall trust in each other, men and women, as well as increasing the perspective of just wanting transactional expectations on the other side.
00:01:16.440We've now developed very false beliefs in terms of what's available whenever things don't just keep working out.
00:01:24.720We can give up. We can leave relationships. We can get divorced.
00:01:28.300And then that's pretty much led us to where we are, where we are declining as a civilization in terms of our birth rate.
00:01:34.400So I think that's in essence what is going on at this point.
00:01:37.900And do you think it's because of the pill or like what do you think are the root causes behind it?
00:01:42.520Each one of these things that I listed gave options to women that perhaps they didn't have or didn't have nearly as much as they did.
00:01:51.540Sure. In the past, women could have gotten hangers and, you know, went in the back alley to kind of get that situation addressed.
00:01:57.320But once it became more formalized in medical settings, it made their ability to be able to delay a lot of things that were typically done earlier for women and throughout human history.
00:02:09.300They said, oh, I can wait till I'm my late 20s. I can wait till my 30s to do this now.
00:02:13.120And simultaneously, I can now have sex and choose my suitor.
00:02:16.220So that was one way in which they kind of opened up the door for women specifically to start to approach dating and marriage differently.
00:02:25.600Then when you had the sexual liberation movement, they were convinced that trying to do life like men, especially sexually, was going to have all of these significant benefits.
00:02:35.780The consequence, unfortunately, is not only was it a rise and increase in STDs, a rise and increase in single mother households, but also probably a significant degree of dissatisfaction with women when it comes to their ability to be able to pair bond, their ability to remain satisfied, and always the comparisons of what's next or who's next or who could be better.
00:02:58.660So, yeah, I think that, you know, many of these and then, of course, we can't forget the social media and dating apps.
00:03:05.400It's just it's convinced a generation of women specifically in the West that there's always a better alternative.
00:03:13.040There's always the best option. And that with the influx of the likes, the influx of the comments, the influx of men in their DMs, they're convinced that because there's so many of these men that want me, that I have all these options.
00:03:27.160And the reality is they wouldn't sleep with most of those men. They wouldn't be in relationships with most of those men.
00:03:32.680But they've, in essence, kind of conflated all this attention I get on the outside with the reality of how few men I actually want and can actually end up with.
00:03:42.800I think it almost reveals women don't like men as much as we originally thought.
00:03:48.020Would you agree with that or do you disagree?
00:03:52.760Because it's like the second you're like, do you want to kill their kids? They're like, yup.
00:03:57.500They're like, the second they're like, do you want to leave your husbands? They're like, yup.
00:04:03.560The second they're like, do you want to be moms? Do you guys want to wait?
00:04:07.740They're like, let me wait as long as possible.
00:04:10.740You know, they say like revealed preferences versus stated preferences.
00:04:14.900So like people say they want things, but if you look at like their actions, it's not like it's like the fat friend you keep taking to the gym.
00:04:21.420And they're like, I want to lose weight.
00:04:26.200And you're like, all right, come to the gym.
00:04:28.640First of all, you know, I got a job, right?
00:04:33.020What I would say in response to that, believe it or not, is that I do agree that with optionality, people's natures have definitely been revealed much more clearly.
00:04:44.380But with that said, I don't know if I was a woman and I had this many options and an ability to get so much attention so early and so often that I wouldn't have potentially adopted much of that mindset, too, if I were in their shoes for at least a season.
00:05:02.300But the issue is, is actually not simply that it's revealed that women have the capacity to be just as grimy as men in some respects.
00:05:12.540It also revealed that I think they saw something that it revealed something in women that I don't think most men factored in.
00:05:21.080It was a secret before women could just say like, like, oh, that was the women today, the past.
00:05:35.420I think the only difference between women today and women of the past is cameras, social media and the ability for us to see it more readily available.
00:05:46.760I think women have always done what they wanted to do and pick their best option that they thought they can get in terms of a spouse very quickly might move on if a guy wasn't the right fit.
00:05:56.180And I think female dating strategy strategies by default is definitely different than men's.
00:06:02.160And I don't think that that changed as much as it probably got exacerbated with all these things that I mentioned.
00:06:40.720And so, yeah, as a trauma, yeah, sorry to cut you off as a trauma therapist, I actually know what trauma is.
00:06:47.920So it's very fascinating to see women and people specifically that overuse trauma and everybody that I was with in the past as a narcissist, like actually know what these terms mean and know how to measure them.
00:06:58.640So when I mean it, what I actually mean is, is that, yeah, they actually increase their chances to experience trauma because you keep dealing with so many men who you haven't probably vetted properly.
00:07:08.160So, yeah, but a lot of times when they're using those words, it's not actually applying to the case.
00:07:14.120No, they don't want to vet them properly.
00:07:23.640So tell me what you mean by qualified and unqualified men.
00:07:27.820So, yeah, in my last interview with the ladies at Sharing My Truth podcast, I had mentioned that there were men that were considered qualified and there were men that were considered unqualified and that their experiences with women tends to be radically different.
00:07:44.220The men that I would say are qualified are typically men that have good to great income.
00:07:50.200They meet a certain height requirement, typically six feet or above.
00:07:55.600They're in fairly decent shape, fairly charismatic, confident, desired by multiple women and respected by multiple men.
00:08:03.280Those are the men that I would say and most people would kind of identify as quote unquote qualified to have options with women, to be able to push off commitment, to be able to sleep with multiple women simultaneously at the same time and never have to lead towards marriage.
00:08:18.300These are the quote unquote men that qualify to get access to women's sex, softness, love, intimacy, et cetera.
00:08:29.040Whereas the men that are quote unquote unqualified, they're usually missing multiple of those checkboxes, if not all of them.
00:08:38.020Where would you put men like, because there's certain men in just certain environments where they're broke, but they get a lot of women.
00:08:44.460Like, you know how it is, the salsa instructor, like the club promoter, you know what I mean?
00:08:50.740Where would you put them as qualified or unqualified if like they don't have the money, but they still get women, you know, the bartender in L.A.
00:09:11.740So the men that are unqualified are pretty much not doing anything in any of these areas significant, like kind of stand out.
00:09:18.340So for instance, the guy that's really, really tall and is like pretty charismatic and has nothing else with the things I kind of listed, he'll do well.
00:09:27.880Because he's exceptionally tall and he knows he's a good talker, right?
00:09:33.640Whereas the guys who can't talk to women, the guys who are not that tall, the guys that don't make any money, the more it gets to a point where she either friend zones you or doesn't even acknowledge you.
00:09:49.940Jealous, jealous, jealous of them guys.
00:09:52.420Can you talk more about attraction triggers and define what they are?
00:09:56.320Yeah, so they're different, obviously on an individual by individual level.
00:10:02.140But the things that I just listed are typically from the female side, typically some of the key cues that they're looking for.
00:10:10.400So from an attraction trigger perspective, women typically don't want to get with the guy that they can't sense that other women also think is attractive.
00:10:19.080So the problem that we're kind of having in terms of like this whole topic and this discussion that's going on when you think about it is like these women are only picking men that they believe other women want and trying to ensure and guarantee that that guy is going to be monogamous and with them for the rest of their lives.
00:10:39.560So their attraction triggers are putting them in a small pool, dealing with a small pool of men that they're often being disappointed with as a result.
00:10:49.520Whereas on the flip side with men, many of their attraction triggers, a lot of women confuse that because they assume that they would be the same.
00:11:01.300None of those things apply to men, especially men that have those things.
00:11:04.660So men, many of our attraction triggers are softness, femininity, nurturing, the desire to potentially start a family, a willingness to be able to listen and learn from him and not feel like she has to constantly lead or dominate.
00:11:20.300Those are a lot of the things that men are typically looking for and particularly attracted to.
00:11:25.000So for whatever reason, it seems like men, a lot of men aren't checking off the boxes in terms of attraction triggers that women are typically looking for.
00:11:35.380And unfortunately, in the West, that's probably true to an extent because a lot of the women, unfortunately, in this country and in Canada and in UK and in Australia and other Western countries, they don't desire the need to develop those things that men are attracted to.
00:11:50.960They just project what they want onto the man and expect them to expect the same from them.
00:11:55.920You know, it's interesting because I've interviewed a thousand women on my show and the women that I met that I would say had the highest femininity.
00:12:35.680So sometimes it's actually because of religious upbringing and them being very sheltered and still sheltered because typically and you'll see it and you've probably talked about it on your show.
00:12:46.560There's definitely instances where they had a great father that was very caring and very protective.
00:12:51.500And, you know, before you knew it, they ended up, you know, going to college and all of that went out the window.
00:12:58.140So, yeah, sometimes life life humbles them.
00:13:01.400Sometimes it's because of their background and what they're still remaining.
00:13:04.160And I definitely agree that it's rarer to find in Western countries for sure.
00:13:09.960But I've also experienced women who tend to stay to themselves and are not really in the mix.
00:13:17.600And I don't want to say that they're female loners, but they normally won't catch the eye of most men unless they just happen to be in a second proximity.
00:14:32.680When you're a guy that other women, when you're young or older, that's pretty attractive enough to kind of be around women enough, you'll be the guy that they're cheating with.
00:14:42.920And you'll start to be like, oh, my gosh.
00:15:18.080If you included women having like a work husband or something else, it would probably be even 80 or 90 percent.
00:15:25.840Listen, I don't know about 80, 90 percent.
00:15:28.020But what I have observed is that there are other things that I've seen the double standard when the things that they will go off on a man for in terms of cheating or looking for attention and validation outside the relationship.
00:15:44.020They have no problem receiving it on their end.
00:15:46.060If if if they see that their man, their boyfriend, their husband is liking another woman's picture, they will freak out.
00:15:53.380But the idea of them making their profile private, they're like, why would I do that?
00:16:00.460So they just see these things like totally different, like people liking their bikini pictures that are not women.
00:16:07.120They just was like, that's just normal.
00:16:09.240But him liking a woman who who who's half naked or in a bikini is it's a problem.
00:16:15.800So I don't think that they typically see their cheating and they're seeking validation outside the relationship in quite the same way.
00:16:23.560So that's why I actually think the numbers are somewhat skewed to be a little bit higher.
00:16:26.720And in your experience, who's more likely to forgive cheating, men or women?
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00:23:51.420The difference is really just the expectations of what is granted.
00:23:55.140So these women in other countries can actually be just as forward and straight up front about what it is from a transactional standpoint they want from you.
00:24:02.920The difference is they're just softer and more feminine when they do it.