Pearl - Modern Women Outsource Motherhood ｜ Pearl Daily

00:00:00.000 Thank you.

00:00:30.000 Thank you.

00:01:00.000 Thank you.

00:01:30.000 Thank you.

00:02:00.000 Thank you.

00:02:30.000 Thank you.

00:03:00.000 Thank you.

00:03:30.000 Thank you.

00:04:00.000 good afternoon good evening ladies and gentlemen welcome to another episode of pearl daily here

00:04:11.780 at the audacity network i am your host pearl and today we are going to be talking about nannies

00:04:17.620 but before we get into today's topic we on the audacity network we are a learning platform and

00:04:26.080 I am bringing on smart, intelligent, non-famous men, for now, we might have some big shots

00:04:32.060 later, to give presentations on the network and you can give, and you can ask them questions

00:04:39.000 and listen to their presentation.

00:04:40.740 So first of all, I personally did a presentation on how to be a YouTuber if you want to get

00:04:46.760 into media and you want to be a personality, I can tell you how to do it without going

00:04:51.100 to the big companies.

00:04:52.060 at first I tried to beg for a job at a media company they all told me no

00:04:58.200 and on the website if you get the $10 a month or $80 a year membership the link is in the

00:05:04.580 description also under the audacitynetwork.com you too can be a YouTuber now this week we are

00:05:10.680 bringing on a government worker to talk about is government work for you a federal workers take on

00:05:16.120 what is going on right now and the pros and the cons of federal work so if that's something that

00:05:20.220 interests you please click the link in the description especially if you're a young guy

00:05:25.540 you know um it's it could be a good career choice okay so today's topic we are going to be talking

00:05:34.520 about nannies so modern women think that they can have it all it's an illusion and delusion that 1.00

00:05:41.160 has been pushed for the last 50 years women that were wives and mothers in the 50s and 60s and

00:05:47.660 70s taught their young daughters to go get some degree that is too expensive in a world of men 0.84

00:05:53.400 to try to carve out a life for themselves even tv shows like sex in the city showed all of the

00:06:00.160 women with these fly high in careers pushed off getting married and having a family until later 1.00

00:06:05.780 on in life a small percentage of these women attain the financial success that they work for 0.99

00:06:10.860 be it on their own or with a successful husband most of these women are so ingrained in the 1.00

00:06:16.680 identity of their careers that they cannot give it up when they become mothers. This usually means 0.71

00:06:21.600 that when they have kids, they end up hiring nannies to take care of them. 12% of parents

00:06:28.700 with children under the age of three hire nannies for full or part-time services in the United

00:06:34.040 States. 9% of parents with children ages three to five hire nannies, and only 3.3% of high-earning

00:06:40.560 Americans employ a nanny. So what are the risks of letting a nanny raise your children? Four, 0.98

00:06:45.840 the mother many problems may arise the child grows more connected to another woman than the

00:06:53.040 mother feelings of anxiety and guilt for not being with the child enough the child grows accustomed

00:06:59.820 to the company of the nanny over the mother jealousy and resentment from the mother to the 0.72

00:07:05.040 nanny especially first-time mothers and children are normally better behaved in the day and they

00:07:10.940 get tired and cranky at night leaving the mother with nothing but the difficult time with the child

00:07:15.780 what are the risks for the children resentment towards the mother and then the family for not

00:07:22.280 being there in their formative years having to disconnect from multiple nannies creating

00:07:27.440 abandonment issues a non-traditional family dynamic compared to peers in a friend group or

00:07:34.420 at school now i'm not saying that nannies are a bad thing if a family has the resources to hire

00:07:40.620 a nanny, they should consider it as an option. But the show is purely about awareness. Everything

00:07:47.540 has its pros and cons, positives and negatives, ups and downs. There is a downside to having

00:07:53.060 nannies raise your kids and it is not talked about enough in modern society. Nannies are okay as long 0.97

00:07:59.240 as they aren't the primary caretaker. The problem is if you rotate nannies in and out of a child's

00:08:04.820 life. The problem is if you rotate strangers in and out of a child's life that are the primary

00:08:13.920 caretaker. So all of these boss women that are denying their natural urge to go care for children 1.00

00:08:19.380 and focus on their career are risking harming their children by leaving them alone to be raised

00:08:23.940 by a nanny that can come and go at will and essentially is a stranger. The harm will not

00:08:29.480 be seen or felt until the child gets older. So there is a post that talks about, does having a

00:08:36.320 nanny hurt the child parent bond blog post? Okay. Does having a nanny hurt the child parent bond? 0.87

00:08:48.500 How do I get rid of? Hold on. Okay. Well, having a nanny hurt my flowering bond with my seven

00:08:58.020 month old. How do one-on-one caregivers impact parent attachment with babies? Please ease my

00:09:05.980 mind and broken heart. First, so this is the ask advice column, and it says, sad new mom back at

00:09:14.440 work. First, I am sorry you are sad. It's an easy situation for people to say. Oh, don't feel sad.

00:09:21.580 Your baby is doing great. Or, oh, you're so lucky you can afford a nanny. You might be lucky, but

00:09:26.620 your baby is probably doing great but it's completely normal and appropriate to be sad

00:09:31.180 it's also normal and appropriate not to be sad all the feelings are normal here we are all

00:09:36.140 muddling through so take a moment to acknowledge those feelings for what they are you're sad and

00:09:40.700 it doesn't necessarily mean that you've made the wrong choice second to your question infant

00:09:46.460 maternal attachment is commonly tested with something called the strange situation test

00:09:52.300 you can read more about it here but basically it involves bringing mothers and infants into

00:09:56.460 a lab setting and seeing how the infants react to separation, stranger exposure, and reuniting with

00:10:02.560 mom. Through this test, researchers aim to measure secure attachment. There are, of course,

00:10:09.340 variations across infants and their attachment, but data doesn't suggest this is associated with

00:10:15.040 the care environment. One study from Australia actually finds more secure attachment in infants

00:10:20.980 whose mother showed more commitment to an early workforce return.

00:10:25.480 There isn't strong evidence that the attachment your child has to you

00:10:28.360 will be influenced by the presence of a nanny.

00:10:30.700 Third, I want to give you a heads up about a few things that will happen

00:10:34.280 so you are ready.

00:10:35.840 One is that your kid will cry when you leave them.

00:10:39.960 They're like, no, it's totally fine,

00:10:41.920 but your kid is going to cry when you leave them with the nanny.

00:10:45.920 And sometimes they will cry when you come home and the nanny leaves.

00:10:49.640 That's okay. It's normal.

00:10:50.560 It doesn't necessarily mean they hate you or they hate the nanny.

00:10:53.080 They hate transitions or their foot hurts or they were hungry.

00:10:56.240 Don't read too much into this.

00:10:57.940 Once they start talking, they will sometimes call you by the nanny's name.

00:11:01.040 This doesn't mean they don't know that you are the mom.

00:11:03.960 They are just talking fast.

00:11:06.440 The same way my mom called me my brother the wrong name a lot, it doesn't mean anything.

00:11:10.060 So that right there is cope, right?

00:11:11.980 So again, this is women trying to rationalize being bad mothers, right? 1.00

00:11:15.900 So what they do is they outsource the motherhood so they don't have to do it. 1.00

00:11:20.560 And again, I'm not saying it's the worst thing in the world, but yeah, um, it's really not good

00:11:28.540 when the nanny is spending more time with the kids than the mother.

00:11:34.360 So, okay. I work as a full-time nanny for an infant currently five months old. This is one

00:11:39.280 of the comments. I am also the child's grandmother, which does alter the dynamic of the work

00:11:44.280 relationship. First, I will say parents still have opportunities to form a strong bond with

00:11:48.680 their infant if there is a full-time nanny. There's morning, evenings, and weekend hours to spend with

00:11:53.320 their little ones. The quality of the time is very important. If the parents are under stress

00:11:57.140 from their career obligations or other situations, the parents can turn the bonding

00:12:01.160 with their little one so that the one parent can handle bills or chores and the other parent is

00:12:06.580 completely relaxed while playing with and caring for the infant. The parent can switch those roles

00:12:11.520 so that each has a high quality time with their baby. The baby should not be left alone for long

00:12:16.280 periods when the parents are caretakers. Some parents do this thinking the child had enough

00:12:20.880 bond time with the nanny and the child is hungry for time with the parents. An infant recognizes

00:12:27.060 the difference between a nanny and a parent and the natural instinct is to want to be with the

00:12:31.520 parent. So that said, it is inevitable that the infant will form a strong attachment with the

00:12:35.620 nanny. The nanny may spend more hours per week with the infant than the parents. A non-competent

00:12:41.160 nanny will look out for the child's well-being and may recommend approaches to health and

00:12:45.560 development the parents can follow up on these suggestions with research and decision making

00:12:50.400 that supports the needs of the child however the nanny may have good suggestions and it may go

00:12:54.680 smoother the ideas should not be dismissed out of hand by the parents okay so um here we have a

00:13:04.440 youtube video talking about if kids raised by nannies will resent their parents remember most

00:13:11.040 of your TradCon influencers have nannies raising their kids. I'm just saying. When you see them 0.68

00:13:16.440 traveling all over the country right after they had a child, someone else is raising that kid.

00:13:23.140 Many single moms will dump the child on the grandma to raise so she can live her best life. 1.00

00:13:28.360 Yeah, I mean, why raise your kid if someone else can do it for you? See, it's interesting. Men,

00:13:34.060 again, they want to raise the kid. They find it fun. They like it. Women, on the other hand, 1.00

00:13:39.840 they like the cloud of the kid so they like to post the kid on instagram but not spend too much

00:13:48.160 time with it where the guy is more private about the kid but he loves spending time with the kid

00:13:54.160 right it's like uh you know and her nanny to walk her down the aisle because that's how close they 1.00

00:14:00.760 were she had both parents work bizarre hours and says that she was raised by the nanny but questions

00:14:06.260 only if it altered her relationship to her mom, not her dad. By prioritizing your career or

00:14:12.600 yourself, are you giving your child a better life or one full of resentment? And why have kids at

00:14:18.680 all if you're just going to dump them on the nanny? Today, let's get into the topic of raised

00:14:23.840 by the name what it means and can it be a good thing that dad is banging the nanny there's no way

00:14:36.360 he's not big monkey on the tv but who comes to see you tomorrow

00:14:44.380 and it's like we tell on ourselves so now this tiktok this woman's showing how much the kids 0.98

00:14:52.800 like the nanny better on tiktok what an hour happy this morning who do you think is here

00:15:00.560 ideally the presence of a nanny is a new relationship which is additive to a child's

00:15:10.400 life someone else to love and care for them but sometimes so you guys have to look at this from

00:15:15.660 the point of view of the child you're bringing a stranger into their house especially the living

00:15:21.000 ones these are people the kid doesn't know in their personal space right it can lead to a

00:15:28.000 comparison trap when bundled together with time spent away from caretakers people only like don't 0.83

00:15:34.520 like being compared when the other person's better do you know what i mean like men don't like being

00:15:40.740 compared to a woman's exes per se unless the man's better than all of her exes right do you know what

00:15:49.420 mean so like a woman she doesn't want to be compared to the nanny unless she's a better 1.00

00:15:55.740 mother than the nanny then she doesn't mind so much the absence of nurturing qualities in those 1.00

00:16:03.220 same caretakers and additional expectations of what a relationship to your mom or dad should

00:16:08.880 look like we might see that gratitude and happiness disappear or not show up at all

00:16:14.100 Also guys if you have a question or comment you either need to go to the

00:16:20.580 audacitynetwork.com link is in the description and sign up and put a

00:16:24.340 comment into the live stream on the app or the website and all you do is you put

00:16:28.940 Pearl Read in front of it or you do super chat and I will read your chat.

00:16:32.980 Let's start by hashing out what it means to be raised by the nanny because we're

00:16:38.900 not debating kind of homeschool life here. Raised by the nanny generally means

00:16:43.260 that the nanny is around for longer than the typical work day so in the morning she might 0.84

00:16:48.220 be there early to help make breakfast and get the kids off to school she might also be a live-in 1.00

00:16:52.380 nanny and in the evening she might be shuttling them to and from different extra you guys are

00:16:56.780 playing with fire bringing in these hot 22 year old women into your house you are playing with fire 1.00

00:17:05.180 curriculars preparing dinner and getting them ready for bed into pjs parents might be working

00:17:10.700 a demanding job or multiple jobs they might not be around for night shifts or they might be around

00:17:16.860 in tandem around the house with other kids or juggling other responsibilities one parent

00:17:21.660 describes her situation in a help column to the washington post last year the work hours for my

00:17:26.780 husband and i changed and we decided that a live-in nanny would be best for child care our nanny is 0.98

00:17:32.220 a lovely girl and we enjoy having her but over time my kids two and seven have definitely started

00:17:38.060 to prefer her they get so excited when she walks through our door and when they have bad dreams at

00:17:43.180 night they go to her room instead of ours part of that is because my husband and i are often gone at

00:17:48.940 night my two-year-old has started saying i don't want mommy i want ally i know i shouldn't take

00:17:55.340 this personally my two-year-old spends all day with our nanny and our seven-year-old sees her a lot too

00:18:01.420 but this is getting tough for me and my husband how can we reconnect with our kids especially

00:18:06.860 when we already spend so much time away from them yeah so this is a guy basically saying

00:18:12.020 my wife can't be a wife like she now i do think there's a way right where a man maybe just wants 1.00

00:18:21.360 to protect himself right there's alamo like i could see in a world where a man says get to work 0.97

00:18:27.440 bitch because i mean you're at so much more of a risk when the woman stays home you know you're not 1.00

00:18:34.760 on the hook for lifetime alimony if the woman is working totally understand that however 0.99

00:18:39.960 however um usually when this happens it's because the woman is bad at her job she can't do it she 1.00

00:18:51.620 doesn't really want to do she doesn't really like the kids outsource find someone and men are just 0.78

00:18:56.520 pragmatic they're like whatever i'll pay someone else to do it work the journalist responding to

00:19:01.220 article is author Megan Leahy who writes parenting related articles for The Post and is also author

00:19:06.700 of the book Parenting Outside the Line. Interestingly she responds by reframing the question away from

00:19:12.260 the comparison trap and the battle. Again people only don't like comparison when they're the losers

00:19:19.060 right like a Victoria's Secret well they cast fat Victoria's Secret models now but like

00:19:25.840 the ring girl and the jake paul fight do you think she compares sorry do you think she hates

00:19:33.820 being compared to other women when she's hotter than like 99 percent of women she doesn't mind 1.00

00:19:40.420 at all but you know i don't want to be compared to her you know what i mean because i mean she

00:19:49.400 wins you know between parent and nanny by stating bluntly though watching your child connect to

00:19:55.080 another caregiver might be uncomfortable. These connections should be seen as a benefit, not a

00:19:59.920 problem. I wish more kids could have many loving people guiding them, hired or not. She redirects

00:20:06.620 the parent to ask themselves, how can we reconnect with our kids, especially when we spend so much

00:20:11.180 time at work? And she also adds, I have coached and known plenty of parents who spend all day

00:20:16.560 and night with their children, and yet these parents are emotionally distant, discontent,

00:20:21.880 and poorly attached to their children the fact is nannies are professional caretakers because

00:20:27.720 this is their primary job let's just put it out there they might be really good at it it's not

00:20:32.680 their first rodeo they might be more adept at setting boundaries finding engaging activities

00:20:37.880 for the child and otherwise emotionally connecting to this small person they're also paid to spend

00:20:43.720 that many hours one-on-one face-to-face with the child and that combines with selection what

00:20:49.160 happened to mothers being like a thankless job do you know what i mean what happened to it

00:20:56.760 it's just crazy how we think of women as the nurturing gender but women don't want to raise 1.00

00:21:02.040 their own kids they're like throw this throw this you know they're throwing these kids in daycare

00:21:07.320 like six months after they're born it's a billion dollar industry b with a b and survivorship bias

00:21:14.600 where the people who choose to be nannies might naturally be more maternal or more excited about

00:21:19.720 caregiving for children assuming we have a loving and present nanny what's the problem it appears to

00:21:25.880 stem from how the child interprets the presence of this alternate caretaker and the word interprets

00:21:31.720 is very important here because like all things in life it's not about what happens to you but how

00:21:37.400 you find meaning in that event when the parents are away from home a lot does the child say my

00:21:43.080 parents are working really hard to provide for us or does the child say my parents are not

00:21:48.600 prioritizing me or they're prioritizing their careers over me same situation but very different

00:21:55.160 interpretations so what is it is it self-sacrifice or is it selfishness and can we influence that

00:22:02.120 narrative when you work for me you leave when i say you can leave for your information i do not

00:22:07.720 work for you. I'm employed by your mother. Oh yeah? Take a look around. Do you see her

00:22:14.120 anywhere? News Flash. You're not gonna. Unless you make an appointment with her assistant

00:22:22.060 or hang around her bedroom door at 3 o'clock in the morning. In the meantime, you're working

00:22:28.600 are me. Oh, is that so? Uh-huh. Newsflash, Mussolini. I quit! Swinging door. There is no randomized

00:22:45.280 control trial for this, but we have certain sociological labs and storytelling advocates

00:22:51.400 underscoring the importance of not letting kids decide which way to interpret these kinds of

00:22:56.820 statements. These nudges look like micro changes. So for example, instead of I have to do something

00:23:02.440 really important, I can't go to your soccer game, you know I'm so busy. Reframing, starting off by

00:23:07.560 that point of connection, I'm so sad I can't come to your soccer game. It's really important to you.

00:23:13.480 How can we make it up? Yeah, like the kid is gonna know the difference. Do you know what I mean?

00:23:19.320 like the six-year-old okay next weekend there are a couple of points embedded in this single

00:23:28.020 suggestion it's very easy to get defensive especially when you're working very long hours

00:23:32.400 but that point of connecting to the child is super important here and the second point is carving out

00:23:37.320 an alternate space where you can make that commitment and not go back on it and it just

00:23:42.120 comes down to having space and time for those conversations to happen so you can unwind what

00:23:48.440 is a child thinking about how can i shape their interpretation or maybe give them some pointers

00:23:53.720 if they are not seeing what i'm seeing i'm one of six kids my mom's a full-time ear nurse my

00:23:58.600 you know both my parents work full-time jobs so i feel like they sacrificed a lot i sacrificed a

00:24:03.560 lot i i do a lot of it for yeah because a lot of sometimes you hear the stories of child stars and

00:24:08.520 what happens but it sounds like the grounding of your mom and dad yeah that was never me immigrant

00:24:13.080 parents like they're so used to work hard work hard work hard it's not a work smart type of thing

00:24:18.280 it's they're more like matanos en el trabajo yeah but i'm like i'm not trying to make money

00:24:25.240 and work less that's how she started her only fans i don't know if she actually did guys i 1.00

00:24:32.920 i grew up watching my mom work a lot watching her struggle made me want to move a different 0.76

00:24:39.240 route like okay you know what i don't want to do that i don't want to leave my kids to grow up you

00:24:43.000 know raising themselves being a nanny is a very intimate job and some people argue that it has

00:24:47.640 to be intimate because if the child knows that it is just hired help they may act out and refuse

00:24:53.480 discipline many nannies say they don't worry about replacing the parents because they say the kids

00:24:59.080 know who their parents are so if the kids aren't confused let's talk about expectations what are

00:25:04.600 they expecting of their real parents and clearly whether or not that's societally ingrained there

00:25:10.760 are different expectations of mothers versus fathers one thing to observe about these posts

00:25:16.040 is that the recollection from the kids is asking for very specific things kids are not asking for

00:25:21.400 their parents to sit next to them for eight hours a day even kids as young as two or 18 months old

00:25:27.080 will wander away from the parent to have all the fun they want and then look back to see if the

00:25:31.880 parent is there and come back to their home base reading through the experiences of people who say

00:25:36.760 they were raised by the nanny they didn't have that home base in their parents so for the nanny

00:25:42.360 issue to really be a problem, there needs to be two things. One is the theme of the parents not

00:25:48.260 having time, and more importantly, the child not connecting to the parent in the way that they

00:25:53.980 desire, which creates a wall. And the second piece is likely so much more important because there are

00:25:59.580 plenty of stay-at-home parents or parents with more flexible schedules that also struggle to

00:26:05.040 connect with their child. To be honest, it's also a huge personality issue. The fact is anyone can

00:26:10.880 become apparent and we know that in the real world there are a ton of people and a lot of partners

00:26:16.200 even who are not great listeners and it's hard to connect to those people so when it comes to

00:26:20.760 children there has to be an added effort of meeting them where they are at because it is worth this

00:26:25.920 investment not necessarily for retirement but so that you have a good relationship with your kids

00:26:31.380 as they're growing up and maybe even grandchildren back to the mom part is there a difference between

00:26:36.860 a job that the nanny does and that of the mother for her columbia university master's fee nope 0.99

00:26:43.580 it's outsourced motherhood student courtney scott interviewed career nannies in the new

00:26:48.300 york city area she writes i came to understand early in the conceptual phase of the project that

00:26:53.180 the work of nannying could not be separated from mothering when asked to state difference between

00:26:57.980 the work of nannying and mothering most interviewees many of the mothers themselves

00:27:02.940 stated that there was no difference she also writes a shattering thought is a nanny a mother

00:27:07.900 and can she occupy this role without displacing another mother later in her discourse she quotes

00:27:13.580 from andrea o'reilly tony morrison and motherhood a politics of the heart morrison defies maternal

00:27:19.340 identity as a site of power for black women that has its only black women get the get the motherhood 1.00

00:27:26.380 identity it's a goal for empowerment of children and that's all right interesting when you

00:27:31.500 juxtapose those two statements. Is a nanny a mother? A mother is about empowering. It becomes

00:27:36.920 apparent that the question of is a nanny a mother is one for the ego in the same category of who do

00:27:44.260 you love more, mom or dad? Or will you miss me when I'm gone? It's a question for the ego because

00:27:49.880 either she is not and I win or she is and I deflate. But if you add that angle of child

00:27:57.580 empowerment the more fruitful and loving relationships a parent can provide for a child

00:28:02.900 the more secure and confident that a child will be so the question yeah i mean but there's a

00:28:09.540 difference between a babysitter and a living nanny right or an aunt or whatever and we're 0.93

00:28:16.340 going to get to some examples of nannying going wrong you guys don't understand the

00:28:22.500 you can get a whole different ideology into your children if you put the wrong adult by your kids

00:28:30.700 right so if you're a conservative and you you have this blue-haired feminist kid it's very possible 1.00

00:28:37.200 that someone you put in the kid's life did that is a nanny a mother ultimately never needs to be 0.98

00:28:43.380 asked and never needs to be answered we are a collective of adults aimed at empowering children

00:28:49.740 and the primary responsibility for that empowerment is on the parents.

00:28:54.000 The caveat to add here is that because the role of nanny and mother are so intertwined,

00:28:59.920 the comparison trap is much closer for moms than it is for dads.

00:29:03.620 If children are feeling separation, they are more likely to feel it from the mom

00:29:07.520 because of the presence of the nanny and because they would expect those same nurturing qualities from their mother,

00:29:12.880 making it much easier to construct the image of what I wish my mother did for me

00:29:17.520 as opposed to a male figure who would be the parallel for a father ultimately is it about

00:29:22.720 learning the child's love language communication language more broadly it comes down to listening

00:29:28.320 and intentional spaces yeah okay so next we got a woman writes that she regrets farming out

00:29:38.320 raising her daughter to a nanny

00:29:40.240 nannying equals farming out your child is it a big mistake hi i wanted some views when i was in

00:29:51.080 my 30s i was in london and a good job and so when i gave birth it seemed like the right thing to get

00:29:55.840 a nanny to look after my daughter everyone did it and it didn't seem weird now 17 years later

00:30:01.620 having talked to my daughter about it i feel like it's the biggest mistake ever made she was so

00:30:06.880 traumatized by not having me around and couldn't tell me as she was so young and didn't want to

00:30:13.060 upset her mommy after two and a half years of using a nanny I felt it was wrong so I did give 1.00

00:30:18.460 up my job and we moved somewhere quieter and cheaper so I could be home more with her but

00:30:22.940 the damage was done she had a very very difficult teenage phase and we got on incredibly badly and

00:30:28.600 now is able to say it tracks back to because she felt unwanted and unhappy when she was younger

00:30:35.120 She's now raised this a number of times with me, doctors, and mental health professionals,

00:30:39.320 and I'm quite devastated by it on a personal level, as her dad and I worked hard to try

00:30:43.820 to give her a good, loving, stable family home with everything she wanted, and she always

00:30:49.220 seemed happy.

00:30:50.320 I've told her I regret it, but I did change everything for her, and the only way to put

00:30:56.200 it right was by not doing this for her own children and learning from it.

00:30:59.960 I was just wondering if anyone had a similar experience, and what would you advise?

00:31:04.500 um i pro wait here let's see some children don't do well being cared for by others

00:31:14.980 if your daughter was real ill treated in any way it could be imprinted in her memory ideally

00:31:19.700 kids would get along with a loving nurturing mother especially when so young even adopted

00:31:24.560 that's another thing adopted kids have attachment problems so we i lived with this family for a

00:31:33.000 summer and they had like brothers that were adopted and one was like a year and a half old

00:31:37.620 and one was like four and the older one just had a lot of issues like the one even though he barely

00:31:44.500 remembered like before you know they got him um like the younger brother was like perfect he was

00:31:52.540 you know the best like he was very well liked and respected in the church but the older one

00:31:57.340 um yeah he he was kind of messed up um okay let's see

00:32:05.560 um it was a fairly massive omission not to mention her add and dyslexia dyslexia previously she's

00:32:15.400 obviously a complex personnel personality and has a lot going on what the response from doctors and

00:32:20.580 ms professionals when she blames all her problems on being cared for by a nanny when she was younger 0.97

00:32:25.220 i would take her statements about her friend's mother's feeling sad for her with a pinch of salt

00:32:29.620 do you know do you know any of these parents to speak to be interesting to find out exactly

00:32:34.180 how she is um presenting this experience to them okay i i do think this kid's overreacting a little

00:32:42.020 bit two and a half years that's it i'm just saying this could have been your whole life you know um

00:32:48.880 um okay let's see what's next all right will the baby prefer a nanny over me yep 0.52

00:32:55.540 she does a better job than you she will he will all right will my baby prefer the nanny over me 0.90

00:33:03.540 working parents have a lot to consider when it comes to leaving their child in the care of a

00:33:08.380 nanny will the nanny be safe will the nanny respect our child rearing values how much is

00:33:14.640 going this going to cost us but most aren't prepared for a surprisingly common concern with

00:33:19.740 regard to the nanny well the baby prefer their nanny to them parents are usually somewhat prepared

00:33:26.060 for the feelings of anxiety and guilt that can accompany them returning to work after having a

00:33:33.680 baby especially first-time mothers but most are not expected to be jealous of the person they've

00:33:39.060 employed to be their child's caregiver. Moreover, the working woman is supposed to be enjoying the 0.95

00:33:44.880 best of both worlds, right? Maybe, but some women still find themselves battling the green-eyed 1.00

00:33:50.040 monster when it comes to their nannies. If you're one of them, take comfort in the fact that you're

00:33:54.280 not alone. Such feelings are increasingly common as women join the workforce in record numbers.

00:34:00.140 If you're having trouble coming to terms with your nanny's special relationship with your baby,

00:34:04.420 it helps to consider the process by which children form emotional attachment.

00:34:09.080 Babies enter this world with a strong instinct to bond with others

00:34:12.200 since it's critical to their survival.

00:34:14.720 The bonding process begins immediately after birth

00:34:17.580 and babies soon recognize a caregiver's touch, smell, voice, appearance, and mannerisms.

00:34:23.520 For parents, bonding with the baby occurs naturally in the earliest days of life

00:34:27.600 as they comfort and care for their infants

00:34:30.340 and this bond continues to strengthen with the passing of time.

00:34:33.900 So what happens when a nanny enters the mix? 1.00

00:34:36.020 Will the baby bond with the nanny too?

00:34:40.160 And if so, will the bond grow so that the baby comes to prefer the nanny?

00:34:45.620 The same sort of bonding process does occur when a child is left in the care of a nanny.

00:34:53.560 Somewhat more slowly and usually on a more superficial level.

00:34:57.140 Remember that your nanny spends a good portion, if not all of their day with the kids.

00:35:01.760 And so it is natural that they form a strong alliance.

00:35:06.360 And although some babies may traditionally have formed such a bond with only one person,

00:35:11.360 it's possible for babies to form a bond with multiple people, including the nanny.

00:35:15.740 In fact, some researchers believe that babies who form strong attachments to more than one person may benefit in terms of social development later in life.

00:35:27.080 While a strong bond between a nanny and a baby can be a beautiful thing,

00:35:30.940 problems arise when a baby begins to show a preference for the nanny over his or her parents

00:35:35.540 imagine coming home from a long day from your child only to find that he or she cries at the

00:35:41.240 sight of you or refuses to let go of the nanny or worse imagine hearing the baby call the nanny

00:35:46.260 mommy or daddy right in front of you these can be sad and frustrating experiences for the parents

00:35:53.880 but not frustrating enough I guess for the mom to you know do her job it's natural to feel sad

00:36:00.820 and perhaps a little angry about this, but you should avoid acting on these emotions instead.

00:36:06.120 There are things you can do to reconnect with your child and create harmony between you and

00:36:09.940 the child's caregiver. First, keep in mind having a nanny that is loving and lovable enough to

00:36:16.200 elicit such a response from your child is a wonderful thing and it would certainly be worse

00:36:21.200 to face the opposite situation in which your child files into fits of panic at the sights of

00:36:28.560 the nanny also remember that the babies can be fickle stuck like glue to someone one minute only 0.99

00:36:34.940 to completely be nonchalant about their absence next and consider that while your baby may cry

00:36:40.720 briefly when the nanny leaves here she also cried for you at your departure furthermore

00:36:45.720 bear in mind that the evening hours can be among the most difficult for infants and

00:36:51.980 children this is usually the time of day where they're tired and can be cranky and less

00:36:56.740 tolerant to changes in their routine. Nanny versus parents, how everyone can win the battle

00:37:03.360 for the baby's heart by the mom doing her job. She won't though. She won't. I promise to God, 0.57

00:37:13.940 she won't. There's going to be something more fun and cool and exciting than hanging out with

00:37:17.880 these kids. This idea that the women just love being mothers is the biggest cope, right? Because 1.00

00:37:25.740 everyone, society says, you know, women are natural nurturers, right? And the women, they're 1.00

00:37:31.340 like, but you know, women, here's a choice to kill your kids. And the women are like, we got to kill 1.00

00:37:35.340 them. We got to. Abortion, we're going to march for this. Okay. And then they're like, okay, well, 1.00

00:37:40.460 I guess it's not a life, I guess. Okay, sure. Okay, sure, ladies. And then they're like, okay, 0.99

00:37:48.400 but you know, you guys can work and save money. So in your 20s, you could save money for your kids,

00:37:53.840 you know and then in your 30s you can have a kid and then you have money for the kid right and you

00:37:59.500 can stay home and the women are like no I'd rather just get Botox and liposuction and boob jobs and 1.00

00:38:07.100 clothes and go to events and travel and I would rather do that instead of saving money to have

00:38:13.640 a kid right and I'd actually when I have the kid I do want to work and I want someone else to do

00:38:20.140 the job but I want the cloud of the kids so I definitely want but it's like you can have every

00:38:24.920 shred of evidence that a woman doesn't want to be a mother but still society will say that we're 1.00

00:38:31.240 like dying to be mothers I don't think so I really don't I think women like the control a kid gives 1.00

00:38:38.940 over like society and a man and like the attention they get from the kid but I don't know if the

00:38:44.620 moms really like love their kids you know like a dad can have a kid that hates him and he still

00:38:51.440 loves the kid but the mom if the kid doesn't like you get those overbearing mothers where they're 1.00

00:38:56.280 like be a doctor be a lawyer and if the kid doesn't do exactly what the mom wants it's like

00:39:01.600 you you have hell on earth to pay if you're having a hard time shaking off the feeling of jealousy or

00:39:07.480 resentment over your nanny's special bond with your baby it's time to address the problem and be a mom

00:39:11.960 right we're going back to the answer and quit your job stay home be a mom now you know there's 0.58

00:39:20.020 real situations like poverty right but we're not talking about those situations we're talking about

00:39:28.800 the situations where the mom wants a three-bedroom house instead of a two-bedroom apartment right

00:39:34.740 the kid's going to be happier in the small house with the mom there

00:39:38.580 but you know then Tracy sees Diane lives in the suburbs with a 10 you know bedroom apart or house 0.68

00:39:48.080 or you know in the city and she's going to these events and yada yada anyways keep in mind that

00:39:54.140 most nannies are trying hard to bond with children in their care if they fail at this

00:39:58.240 chances are they won't remain employed for long and they don't want to displease the parents on

00:40:03.640 the contrary they're very interested in pleasing them for that reason it might be a good idea to

00:40:07.580 talk to your nanny about the problem start by saying you're thrilled that the bond she has

00:40:11.680 with the baby and you're happy that she you know you're happy with her work but you're fired and

00:40:17.320 I'm going to be a mom now that's how it should go right that's how it could go you know but no

00:40:22.920 then explain that you feel a little left out and would appreciate her helping strengthening the

00:40:27.240 baby bond right so now this is another cope because they're trying to get the nanny to do

00:40:32.040 the work of bonding with the baby but instead they're like can you do it for me can you make

00:40:37.080 the baby like me and kids are pretty like if a kid doesn't like you kids love everybody

00:40:44.380 you know if a kid doesn't like you something's wrong perhaps she can teach your child's favorite

00:40:51.260 lullaby or some sort of soothing techniques only good nannies know if your child shows a preference

00:40:56.860 for the nanny more than just occasionally it may be time to re-establish your connection with your

00:41:01.320 little one maybe focus on your child interacting with him or her in a relaxed comfortable setting

00:41:06.380 you may need to sing dance or act goofy as your work as you work your way back into your child's

00:41:14.260 heart but he or she will eventually fall under your spell infant massage increased breastfeeding

00:41:20.600 or other forms of skin to skin contact if your baby continues to show preference for the nanny

00:41:27.320 again it may be helpful to go home they're not going to do that though get a work from home job

00:41:33.060 right for example if there's a competition between the mom and the female nanny switching 0.99

00:41:39.600 to a male nanny may be a solution god they just do everything to make these moms feel like they're 1.00

00:41:46.380 not bad moms they're like okay we're gonna get a male nanny male nannies also called mannies tend 1.00

00:41:52.280 to be very fun and energetic caregivers they also may be less likely to displace a mom in the baby's

00:42:00.180 eyes it's important to keep in mind that although feelings of jealousy towards your nanny may crop

00:42:05.520 from time to time this will be short-lived most parents whose babies love their nannies

00:42:10.520 soon realize that the nanny baby strong is a set our bond is essential to the well-being of their

00:42:16.300 child remember that parents usually go to straight great lengths to find a nanny that is warm loving

00:42:21.500 patient and fun what baby wouldn't want to fall in love with such a person and when your baby does

00:42:27.280 you can pat yourself on the back for providing for your child a good caregiver until the caregiver

00:42:33.880 goes to college and leaves and your kid is devastated. That's usually how it goes.

00:42:41.440 Okay, here is a TikTok of a woman talking about her experience being raised by nannies. 0.55

00:42:52.060 I'm Mia from LA. Please like and subscribe. Growing up, it was just me and my mom who was

00:42:57.200 a famous photographer working for big brands and celebrities so you'd think with the photographer

00:43:02.160 parent i'd have a beautifully documented childhood well you'd be wrong i hardly had any pictures

00:43:08.000 because mom was always too busy and i was raised by nannies sure mom gave me everything but she 1.00

00:43:14.080 couldn't make much time for me she did try by setting up her studio at home but once when she

00:43:18.720 was in a meeting i slipped into her dark room and switched on the lights and all her photos were

00:43:23.280 destroyed that nanny was fired and mom relocated her studio and then she hired a lady named susan 1.00

00:43:29.120 who was the coolest susan could play hide and seek with me for hours she'd always let me do her 1.00

00:43:34.400 makeup and she even taught me how to slide down our main staircase she'd pitch up a tent in our 0.99

00:43:38.960 backyard and then tell me stories around the fire and what a storyteller she was she'd just make up 0.65

00:43:45.200 magical tales in the moment and i was hooked what are you thinking you lily livered yellow-bellied

00:43:50.960 scallywag. I was thinking you should be my mom. Susan laughed it off, but I was kind of serious.

00:43:56.960 She even gifted me my first notebook when I turned eight because she knew I loved writing stories,

00:44:02.160 and that meant more to me than any of the presents mom had sent. Yeah, she couldn't make it to my

00:44:06.780 birthday. Once when I was nine, Susan had taken the day off, and I ended up being stuck with mom

00:44:11.740 at a photo shoot at some historical building. Mom, I'm bored. Read your book, Mia. But I'm also

00:44:17.800 hungry and sleepy. Think of something fun to do for a little longer, okay? Okay. But you better

00:44:23.620 come find me soon. Yeah, soon. So I skipped off to find an amazing hiding place. I thought it was

00:44:29.480 clear to mom that we were playing hide and seek. As I waited for her in my spot, I dozed off. And

00:44:34.260 when I woke up, it was kind of dark. I tried to find my way back to mom's chute, but I was totally

00:44:39.080 lost. Luckily, a security guard found me and took me to the nearest police station. And the only

00:44:43.840 number i knew by heart was susan's sometime later both mom and susan came running in and i jumped 1.00

00:44:49.360 straight into susan's arm what an l can you imagine your kids running and she like runs past you to

00:44:56.720 the nanny sweetie you really scared your mom give her a hug but i was so mad at her because she 1.00

00:45:03.360 didn't come looking for me susan would have never let that happen soon after in fifth grade i came

00:45:08.560 home from school one day to find a girl my age in the kitchen eating my cereal who are you and why 0.99

00:45:13.760 are you here? And who eats cereal for lunch? I eat what I want when I want. You're not my boss. Now

00:45:18.280 shoot. I was about to smack that thief in the face when Susan walked in and she introduced the girl 1.00

00:45:23.320 as Harper, her daughter. I didn't even know Susan had one. I felt a pang of jealousy. Your mom has 1.00

00:45:28.940 to travel out of town more often, so she's requested that I live here now. And I'm moving

00:45:33.160 in with Harper. Isn't that great? I'm sure you two will get along wonderfully. I was certain

00:45:37.260 that we would not. She was a nuisance. She threw away all my markers caps so they dried out, 0.98

00:45:42.660 spilled juice all over my bed to make it look like pee and gave my favorite shoes to a stray dog

00:45:47.600 but i only had to scream and susan would tell her off harper would tag along with us everywhere and 1.00

00:45:53.200 she'd glare at me and make comments under her breath when susan was out of earshot if you 1.00

00:45:57.380 don't stop annoying me i'll tell susan i wanted to know what happened once again but yeah so

00:46:05.140 again you got a couple issues here you got when it comes to nannies i'm gonna give my final thoughts

00:46:10.280 you got a couple issues okay if you get a good nanny right the challenge you have is the kid

00:46:19.700 becomes attached to the nanny and the nanny goes so you fall in love you're like super close to

00:46:27.660 these nannies right they're like your best friends and then you're like where did they go 0.96

00:46:32.360 and then you just never see them again because they go to college they go whatever and then it's

00:46:37.100 like a recycle thing. Or you get a bad nanny and the child is tortured if the kid doesn't like the

00:46:43.480 nanny. Imagine you have to go home and see someone that you are not related to that you don't like

00:46:48.880 and is there indefinitely. Those are the challenges you got with nannies. Now, I don't think they're

00:46:56.020 the worst thing in the world if they're not the kid's primary caretaker. But the thing is the

00:47:01.600 the day-to-day boring tasks are really what matters to a kid, right? It's like, who's picking

00:47:08.340 up the kid from school? Who's eating dinner with the kid? Who's going to the sports games, right?

00:47:13.600 That's the stuff that matters. It's not like the big events or like a trip once a year, right?

00:47:19.840 It's the small things day-to-day. And I think a lot of moms are going to realize they kind of

00:47:26.680 missed most of their kids childhood um okay guys that's all I got on nannies so what we're gonna

00:47:33.280 do is we're only gonna go be live on the website and we are gonna have a smart intelligent man

00:47:39.460 give a presentation on if government work is for you um he has done very well in his career and so

00:47:46.680 you can learn a lot about this we're gonna keep live streaming on the website and um yeah so we're

00:47:53.600 going to end on youtube like the video on your way out sign up to the audacity network.com

00:47:57.800 and we are going to raise the prices of memberships um i believe on the 15th of

00:48:03.540 may i know i said that last month but we actually have a plan of getting the thing implemented so

00:48:09.620 like the video subscribe and i will see you guys on the audacity network.com we're on both app

00:48:15.000 stores i'll see you there bye-bye okay do you want to do the zoom link

00:48:23.600 Thank you.

00:48:53.600 Thank you.

00:49:23.600 You

Pearl - April 09, 2025

Modern Women Outsource Motherhood ｜ Pearl Daily

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript