Pearl - May 28, 2025Most Virgins Are Actually High-Value Men! w⧸ @JesseSteele_BrandonHayes
Episode Stats
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209.92236
Summary
In this episode, I sit down with my good friend and dating coach, Chris, to talk about dating in your 20's and 30's. Chris is a dating coach and has been in the business for a long time and is currently in the process of becoming a Dating Coach.
Transcript
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like you think about it as a guy if you're watching right and you say it's impossible
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that never happened something out of a movie or something right but you saw it firsthand
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well and the crazy thing was like i had on um a conservative guy um like a week or two ago right
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and he kept telling me that it's only like only chads can like pick up women it's only like the
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very good looking guys but what kind of surprised me like that weekend where some of the coaches
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weren't like yeah super like i'm not trying to you know talk but it wasn't like they were the best
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looking guys in the world they just kind of went for it yeah they kind of just had the balls to do
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it that's half the battle um because you got to understand too like i don't care what you look
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like as a guy there's a girl that's always going to say oh that's my type you know but guys let the
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opportunity just pass by them so half the work is actually just having the balls to go up and say hi
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i think like people that aren't in this and even me before i like went there you would think it's
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just like the the weirdest guys that go to this stuff yeah but i was like yeah i know there's
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i'll talk about it later but but i was like they're pretty normal to be honest and it's kind of
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interesting because they really can be learned yeah it's a skill yeah right we're all products of
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our environment um whether you're introverted or extroverted and communication attraction all that
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it's just kind of like there's a part of extroversion right making a girl feel comfortable
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um reducing her anxiety that's like more introverted side so it's all a skill everything you learn is a
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skill um and the average guy if you look if you go outside you see the average guy half of them are
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going to have issues with dating so it's a very much it's very much so like an average guy's problem
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for sure for sure so when you're doing dating coaching what are like the archetypes of guys that tend
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to come to you so where do i start uh you have a few guys but the two buckets we see the most is
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the guys who are inexperienced and they just want to have fun with with girls they're like hey i've
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never had a girlfriend what's a relationship like right they might still be virgins or you know they
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have no experience the other bucket is the guys who are looking for a long-term relationship
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they're like hey i got heartbroken i don't know what i'm doing i'm rusty maybe they're in their
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40s heart divorce whatever but they're actually looking for something serious so those are kind
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of like the two buckets that we get for guys and when you get guys that are virgins are um close to
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it are close to it i don't know like some guys you meet it's like they've hooked up with one girl
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one time something like that but um but what is the issue generally is it like looks they're just
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super unattractive is it yeah lack of social skills and is it worse with the younger guys
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because gen z is more online no you're gonna be uh so yeah that's a good question you're gonna be
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surprised by this but most of the guys who are virgins right now doesn't mean that they're terribly
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you know looking or that they don't have any social skills what happens right now is because
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dating is getting harder with time and social media and everything what's happening right now what
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we're seeing is you're seeing a lot of guys who are focused on their career in college put their
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heads down they go have a good career and they're maybe the mid-management or something like that
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and they're like hey i've been focused on my career so long i forgot i'm still version
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and that's okay now i'm like well what's going on how old are they by the time they like look up
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reality check 25 26 okay right at that point you're like okay i'm 20 what's the average life
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expected to see 74 yeah so at 37 you're middle age basically yeah right 25 26 is like i have 10
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years to have fun and find my wife yeah so that's kind of what we see with virgins most part now
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okay so it's just guys that are super career oriented because i think the idea online when you hear about
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like incels is like these losers in their room like a dark you have a lot of those don't work that don't
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do any is that what you see at all too or so like what first if you had to like yeah you get 10
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virgins that come to you um how would you divide it generally so very much so 50 of those
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are very much i put my head down i've been working i forgot i had to lose my virginity
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right the other half are you could say they're kind of like more on the loser end but a lot of
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them do have their shit together they just lack some social skills they're scared right they have
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some trauma that they're insecure they lack confidence right but it's actually pretty surprising
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because you think like virgins are those guys but a lot of them are just normal guys who haven't put
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themselves out there so um you might not know this but when you go out you might be talking to a virgin
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he doesn't seem like one but he is right because he's afraid to make the move so um it's surprising
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but that's about the split that we see yeah and how long does it usually take to get a virgin laid
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three weeks okay three weeks is it that quick yeah three weeks have you like for example we
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connect online and you're like hey i'm never you know lost like just touched a girl before it takes
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about three weeks because you got to understand they just don't understand women right once they
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understand like okay how they think and stuff like that it's pretty easy um but if i see them in
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person probably like six or seven days and are there any guys that just can't be helped yeah yeah
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and is it like a looks thing mindset no there has to be some that you're like you're just not good
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looking i'm like yeah you're done for um no so come on come on be honest there's some guys but
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it's not so much about the the bad looks or anything it's like they're just lazy oh okay you
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know what i mean this is what i tell every guy it's like if you work out right if you take care of
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what you eat and then um you're polished you're well tailored tailored clothes you look good you're
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gonna be a seven for most girls you smell good good haircut that's all it takes but a lot of guys
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are lazy and they can't even do that and so i mean as girls they see him like oh he doesn't even put
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effort into himself right what does that say about a relationship with him right um so most guys are
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just lazy so it's more of a lazy thing for guys more so i mean sure you'll get like i mean everything's
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a bell curve right so you're gonna have some guys that are you know pretty hard to fix but usually you
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up yourself you know one or two points by working on yourself so and what do you see in terms of like
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what type of girl is it usually just like the super slutty girls they lose their virginity i'm just i'm
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just wondering like who do you tell them to go for the do they start with the fat shit like yeah
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yeah they gotta start somewhere right yeah they gotta start somewhere so the thing is um
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right now the hookup culture is so prominent yeah right that i think the standard of being labeled
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you know like a slut or whatever has gotten more lenient because it's so prominent but um just in
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general no they're losing it to like average chicks right if he's 25 26 she's probably around the same age
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maybe a little younger they meet at a bar and then they hook up um you know that's kind of how it
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works it's not she's not a massive you know slut or whatever but she does you know engage in the
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hookup culture um i do have clients who are like christian religious stuff like that that's got to
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be tough to work with no no no no no i find that they're like it's just um when i i talk to them
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they can't really get through like the hookup culture stuff they don't have like resistance to
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it at all right what do you mean by resistance um like i i find that a lot of them are kind of
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ridden with like guilt like they see it as like manipulation in a way right i don't know if that's
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maybe i could be i don't coach men so i could be you know yeah so psychology and attraction
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they're natural right um so it's just persuasion to a degree but the really the guys that are tough
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to work with it's not because of the religious background or anything like that it's just if
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they're not coachable got it right think about it like kids you can't coach like a kid in little
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league it's like oh fuck i can't work with this kid right um so if they just are not coachable
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they don't listen they don't apply those guys are hard to work with right but from a religious
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standpoint we approach them differently right on how they should um engage in the dating scene
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but there's some nuances to that but overall they are workable probably some of my favorite people
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the guys that are like want to go from incel to like in a relationship what's that process usually
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like and so to like get married with kids yeah so this is what happens right because i mean how does
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a guy get turned into an incel right that's overworking right yeah so yeah again like i'm on a bell curve
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right the average guy if he doesn't seek help he's either going to blame the world and himself and his
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flaws for not getting any girls like oh well that guy is super tall that guy's super chatty and i'm
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super short or the world hates me and you know you just pity right victim mentality or he goes the
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other way and he blames all women he's like oh all women are whores hypergamous and you know what i mean
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the whatever he turns into an incel or whatever yeah but um so they either end up in those buckets that
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they don't fix themselves right so it's really hard to get them out of that the way you get them out of
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that's first by getting rid of those beliefs saying okay well you're wrong right make him realize that
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and then you count his small wins he has to get out there when they turn into anciles is usually like
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a coping mechanism for them as they say oh well all women are you know whatever horse and then you're
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like well are they go approach that one you don't know oh i don't want to and then it's just a coping
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mechanism for them to avoid failure um so that's what happens you have to make them realize that and we do
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that through a phase right where we take them out and we make sure that we desensitize them
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to those approaches making sure they realize oh women are actually cool you know because you guys
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are right it's god's greatest invention so it's like um they have to realize that before they even
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think about uh hooking up with a girl or dating one so it's hard but what are the other like limiting
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beliefs that they have there's so so many so yeah so many so probably um i mean physical insecurities
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are huge right and um you have to come to terms with it right when you're short okay guys who are
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short um guys who are bold right they're insecure about it self-conscious so anything physically right
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that is is you can't fix those insecurities are really tough to work with right um so that's one
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of them uh other self-leading beliefs are that they're not good enough okay and usually high
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performing men have this problem because if you think about it high performing men they're they
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work hard because they want to prove to the world that there's someone and it kind of almost stems from
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a chip on their shoulder insecurity right and so when you analyze those guys what you see is that
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they just don't feel like they're enough it prompts them to work a lot and be really successful to feel
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like they're they're enough like to some degree in their career and their business or whatever
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um but it doesn't translate with women right and so they become like a target or to exactly exactly and
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so what ends up happening with those guys is when they talk to women they don't feel enough and so
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they feel like they have to lead with the money or with the status and those self-leading beliefs are
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tougher because that feeling of not being enough is what got them that success with business you know
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what i mean and so for them in their mind is oh well that's how i got here right and they don't realize
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with women it's like no you you have you're enough for her you're more than enough right you don't
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have to lead with those things right um and from there you have other you know other things that
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happen like approach anxiety lack of confidence with women stuff like that just because you don't
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feel enough but that one's really uh really unique to the guys i work with um other self-leading
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believes is if they're raised in a shitty family and they're like you're not shit right we have a lot
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of those yeah and so they need a lot of reassurance right hey do you really think that's gonna repel
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women exactly right because what happens when a guy needs reassurance what do you think as a girl
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you exactly oh yeah right insecurity clingy yeah right oh so nasty and so those guys that we see
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that's another big bucket that we see right but those guys have never had any reassurance in their
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life right that their parents never said good job be proud of yourself right you know they're always
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saying that's it and in the world it's not like the world is overly nice to them either i mean when
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you're when you're a kid the world is nice to you but once you're an adult like in your 20s or in your
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30s no one's giving you that reassurance right so they never had it to begin with and now they're
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seeking it um it doesn't help now they're looking for that in women right in dating so those are kind
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of like the self-living beliefs that we see that are really tough to work with for sure