Pearl - Mothers Hate Giving Up Their Careers For Their Children

00:00:00.000 what up guys welcome to another episode of pearl daily i am your host pearl and today

00:00:13.460 we are going to be talking about women regretting losing their career over children but before we

00:00:20.180 get into today's topic please go to the audacity network.com that's the audacity network.com the

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00:00:43.020 you do get access to unlimited super chats. I do read the live chat on the website during the show.

00:00:49.320 okay so today we're going to talk about the modern woman life cycle it is the quintessential

00:00:57.540 roadmap of the path that women in 2025 are taking to end up alone with their dog or cat in their

00:01:03.860 40s and 50s look back at their life with nothing but regret so just to recap modern women will go

00:01:11.900 to a high-priced institution get a degree that nobody cares about to put themselves in a whole

00:01:16.720 bunch of debt and will burden them for the rest of their lives after they learn in school. All they

00:01:22.220 learn in school is how to be disagreeable and how to use men. Modern women, number two, modern women

00:01:28.260 will get a job that is too stressful and does not care about them. In reality, the job isn't that

00:01:33.640 hard or stressful, but the women will convince themselves that it is. Three, modern women will

00:01:39.460 feel entitled to a certain lifestyle when they begin their careers and will buy houses and cars

00:01:45.020 they can't afford or spend all their money on travel while ignoring their student loan debt

00:01:50.220 modern women at stage four will wake up between the ages of 33 to 37 rush to have kids find a

00:01:57.180 husband or do both step five modern women will hit their late 30s and early 40s try to get pregnant

00:02:03.420 by a loser or go through ivf step six modern women will start on antidepressants or become

00:02:09.820 alcoholics, either or. We don't discriminate here. Step seven, women will buy a dog or a cat and die

00:02:16.920 alone. So today we're going to talk about the slight variation of the modern woman life cycle.

00:02:22.600 There are women who choose to have kids when they are young, but choose their careers for

00:02:27.360 their kids. These women, just like women in the modern women life cycle, paid too much for a

00:02:33.020 degree to get a job that doesn't pay well and are usually in positions out the door or in positions

00:02:40.060 that are out the door when an economic downturn happens. These women neglect their children,

00:02:45.140 causing serious damage to them in their development. Many of these women miss their

00:02:49.380 children's first words, first steps, and formative early years. And for what? The average salary of

00:02:55.080 a woman with a degree in the United States is still around $50,000 a year. Is this still enough

00:03:01.120 compensation to miss out on important things in their kids' lives. Sadly, if you ask many of these

00:03:07.140 career women, they would say yes. So we are going to talk about women regretting picking kids over

00:03:14.480 her career. Can you imagine like the kids reading this? Like, can you imagine like, you're like,

00:03:23.400 oh mom wrote an article today oh let's see what it said mom like can you imagine okay I took a

00:03:31.100 career break to raise my kids and now I feel like a failure every other Saturday British Vogue

00:03:37.180 resident agony aunt Eva Wiseman answers questions about life okay so here we go all right a few

00:03:45.600 years ago I was flying high at work but when my husband got the opportunity to almost double his

00:03:50.560 salary by working far away from home three nights a week, juggling my job and caring for my young

00:03:56.140 son. All I got was to all, sorry, juggling my job and caring for my young son all got too much for

00:04:03.340 me. And I decided to quit. At first it felt liberating, but after a year I was ready to go

00:04:08.320 back to work. Turned out it was really hard to find a job. I couldn't get a similar job to my

00:04:13.240 old one. Despite having tons of interviews, I eventually took a job that I find boring because

00:04:20.140 I'm overqualified. Now I feel like a complete loser and I'm full of regret for giving up

00:04:25.060 for giving up my career. Plus I can't help but feel big, bitter and angry with my peers. One

00:04:32.560 of who is now a CEO at a really cool company and has three kids. So translation, they paid a nanny

00:04:39.080 to raise the kids, right? They, she didn't want to do it. She had someone else do it. I feel weak

00:04:43.520 and pathetic and like I'm being punished for it. And I'm in a job I hate partially because I don't

00:04:49.320 want to look like i've failed so question for eva drop her an email so you can ask this person

00:04:56.580 firstly you did not give up you just didn't you left work because that was the right decision

00:05:01.200 for your family at the time but when that but then what happened was work left you after having

00:05:06.960 a child many parents discover first slowly but then fast the realities of a painfully unbalanced

00:05:12.460 world, suddenly seeing for themselves how a lack of a flexible working arrangement and

00:05:19.860 affordable child care is preventing many thousands of women from progressing in their

00:05:24.980 careers.

00:05:25.460 So this is AKA, I wasn't going to progress in my career anyway, otherwise I wouldn't

00:05:30.840 have given it up, but I want to blame it on something, so I'm going to blame it on the

00:05:34.080 kids.

00:05:34.760 That's the translation.

00:05:36.660 Working mothers might be the norm today, but large flakes of the old patriarchy remain

00:05:41.440 in all kinds of work.

00:05:42.460 and also in relationships. It's quantifiable. A campaign around the motherhood penalty last year

00:05:48.300 revealed that the gap between mothers and fathers in the UK has grown by nearly a pound an hour

00:05:54.660 since 2020. On average, mothers earn 24 cents less an hour than fathers in 2023, a penalty of

00:06:02.160 $4.44 an hour. One consequence of this is that because women earn less than their male partners,

00:06:10.080 it makes sense as you found for them to be the one to leave their jobs when it becomes untenable

00:06:16.840 for both parents to work as it's hard to return even with the new knowledge you've gained about

00:06:21.740 interpersonal relationships and negotiation page patience and budgeting from having a kid

00:06:26.560 some new employers are suspicious of your career break or somehow they don't want like they don't

00:06:32.380 want to pay for career number two right so they're like a maternity leave oh no we're not doing that

00:06:38.440 okay or certain somehow that your brain has defrosted in times of motherhood all previous

00:06:44.560 experience and sense now surely replaced with nap times or lego and they say this is the world's

00:06:52.020 hardest job or they're unwilling to employ somebody they believe will never prioritize work

00:06:57.700 or will no doubt leave in 10 minutes to have another baby yeah there you go be gentler on

00:07:02.940 yourself these failures are not your own they are the failures of course of our society one that

00:07:07.720 pays lip service to the pursuit of equality but refuses to adapt in order to accommodate

00:07:12.180 those who have caregiving responsibilities. If you can't afford to, I think you should quit the job

00:07:17.480 you hate. Stop talking yourself down. You're not weak or pathetic. You're not a failure. You're

00:07:22.280 simply a woman struggling to find fulfilling work in a world designed for men and struggling with

00:07:28.300 politics and identity shifts that come with motherhood. Once you start being sweeter to

00:07:33.200 yourself, you will be able to rediscover the ambitious drive that you saw flying high and

00:07:39.140 find a job that offers growth and satisfaction. No promises, but maybe. And one more thing,

00:07:46.720 you need to stop comparing yourself to other mothers. It's silly and it only makes you feel

00:07:54.480 worse. Stop it. The CEO with the kids, she has nothing to do with you, your life, or your careers.

00:08:00.140 Wow, that's like, that's actually the only good advice I've ever heard a woman give.

00:08:09.760 Stop comparing yourself to other women.

00:08:13.620 All right, for all you know, despite the job and the children, she is struggling too.

00:08:18.600 In fact, I am sure she is, undoubtedly.

00:08:25.820 Countless sacrifices she is making when she appears to excel.

00:08:29.460 it's probably that like you some of you them feel imposed upon her by that great brutish hands that

00:08:36.020 nudge her once life nudge one's life as they age pushing and bruising even the best laid plan so

00:08:42.680 there's your advice leave your job go gentler on yourself don't compare yourself to other women and

00:08:47.480 fight the patriarchy go so again um now there's women that also have articles on how to make your

00:08:54.540 make yourself feel better about mom guilt when you have a career. So again, men, when they make

00:09:01.380 a choice, they just deal with the consequences, right? Hold on. Give me, I have a big water

00:09:06.000 bottle. I need a sip. Sorry guys. I get parched when I read. So men accept that. If they have to

00:09:14.760 work the night shift, they are like, look, I did what I had to do. I understand it. But women have

00:09:19.560 to rationalize bad decisions, I would say. So, dear working mother, you're doing a great job

00:09:26.980 and your kids will turn out just fine despite the hours you spend away from them, truly.

00:09:33.380 Cope. See, again, it's like the cope. It's the, I want to have it all and I want to do what I want

00:09:38.200 regardless of how it affects my children. And so, yeah, I'll just keep doing what I want. So,

00:09:44.180 and so I'm going to write articles rationalizing this instead of doing what I know is right.

00:09:48.580 so of course you probably didn't always feel that way about yourself if you're you are most like if

00:09:54.620 you are like most working moms i know you may feel like you're coming you're forever coming up short

00:09:59.160 and it comes to doing enough giving enough and being enough for your kids not to mention your

00:10:04.340 boss your partner and your aging parents and extended family and of course your community

00:10:08.900 i haven't even mentioned doing being and giving enough for yourself but that's another article

00:10:14.520 I was warned about mother's guilt while expecting my first child however having grown up with a

00:10:21.400 hearty dose of Catholic guilt I feel it couldn't be that bad and then I became a mother and over

00:10:26.720 the course of five years I had four healthy children in between stop staring graduate

00:10:32.240 studies towards a new career needless to say it was during that time I became much more acquainted

00:10:37.380 with mother's guilt it became a constant companion until one day I realized that I didn't have

00:10:42.620 children in order to spend my life feeling forever inadequate i wanted children to enrich my life

00:10:48.340 not enslave my conscience it's time to reclaim our right to enjoy our kids so it's time to

00:10:54.400 what they're saying is they want to take the clout from the kids and all the

00:10:57.680 all the good stuff they get from the kids without doing the bad stuff so that's what she's trying

00:11:03.560 to say lest child rearing become a long exercise and never measuring up but how do working mothers

00:11:11.240 stop wrestling with constant guilt first we must uncover the destructive forces that are driving it

00:11:17.440 so the need to do the right thing like the guilt inside um that's what's driving it but instead of

00:11:24.020 doing the right thing they just are gonna like push that down and keep doing the wrong thing

00:11:29.660 before below are five ways to embrace your shortfalls as a mother and refocus

00:11:34.860 your precisely finite energy on what truly matters. Ensuring that your kids, ensuring your

00:11:42.180 kids know they're wanted, loved and lovable no matter what. See again, women's solution is saying

00:11:46.840 things. It's never doing things, right? It's always telling your kids you love them, but not,

00:11:52.700 it's never showing them by spending time with them and being pleasant, right? Like that's the harder

00:11:57.500 part. Being a nice person, being pleasant. It's easy to say, I love you, right? That's easy.

00:12:03.680 And it's the same thing with men.

00:12:05.060 They're like, well, tell them how you feel.

00:12:06.620 Well, does it matter what you say if you don't back it up with actions?

00:12:11.620 And that they benefit from having you as a role model for a rewarding life.

00:12:17.600 Accept tradeoffs as inevitable.

00:12:19.920 When you choose to combine motherhood and a career in any way, shape, or form,

00:12:23.480 there will always be tradeoffs, sacrifices, and compromises.

00:12:26.660 What is crucial to your happiness as well as your ability to starve off guilt

00:12:29.980 is reconciling those trade-offs by being crystal clear about why you're making them in the first

00:12:35.600 place. Create a list of the reasons why you work, money, satisfaction, sanity, to provide a helpful

00:12:43.760 reminder of your personal convictions when you work or from attending a concert and compels you

00:12:51.320 to outsource the organization of your child's birthday party. When I'm not able to be involved

00:12:57.860 with my kids' activities as it might seem ideal. I am very clear that my kids, my family, and myself

00:13:03.340 are ultimately all better off because I have a rewarding career outside of the home. Number two,

00:13:08.320 don't should on yourself. Do you know what's so crazy? Men can hear the word should and agree.

00:13:15.060 Women, it's like we can't handle it. Like women, if you say you should lose weight to a fat guy,

00:13:21.280 he'll say i know but if you say that to a woman like it's it's world war three you know um

00:13:30.740 so mother's guilt will not always sorry mother's guilt was not always a mother's lot mothers in

00:13:40.020 victorian england banished children and nursemaids before farming them off to a boarding school at

00:13:45.680 age five so they could continue to their high t social lives acclaimed acclaimed photographer

00:13:52.760 um dorothea lang paid foster families to look after her children so she could venture off on

00:13:59.500 a month's long um photography expedition that sounds like a terrible mother

00:14:04.040 do you know what i mean it's like mcdonald's is hiring and you could do that when the kids are

00:14:10.220 older you know I feel like women whenever they do something at the expense of the children it's

00:14:16.300 because they want to bang somebody at work or somebody there because like that is the only

00:14:22.940 force that I see women like doing crazy things that's strong enough right so I bet there's hot

00:14:30.980 guys that she was photographer like taking pictures of or something or near her I don't know

00:14:36.020 likewise I cannot recall my own parents ever coming to a softball game or reading me bedtime

00:14:41.100 stories truth be told I never gave it a second thought until I found myself guilt ridden when

00:14:46.380 unable to attend one of my my children's games are too tired to read them a bedtime story why

00:14:52.280 because I had unwittingly taken on board a mother load of good parents shoulds that my

00:14:59.140 mother never did and it's so crazy because men can admit like when they're bad at something

00:15:05.180 So men will say, yeah, I was a bad dad.

00:15:10.520 Like I've actually heard men admit that where they said, you know what?

00:15:13.980 I wasn't the best father.

00:15:16.100 But admitting that as a woman, it's like World War III.

00:15:19.340 You know, we can't all be good at everything.

00:15:21.300 Some things we're just not good at.

00:15:23.380 And, you know, like men, I've met men that were, say, alcoholics, right?

00:15:27.040 And they can admit they just weren't the best dad and they live with it.

00:15:31.140 but women they'll write articles like instead of just saying you know what i'm a bad mom

00:15:36.420 they'll write an article rationalizing the fact that they're not a bad mom that's them

00:15:41.080 i enjoy being involved in my children's activities and in their lives but i also know they don't need

00:15:46.940 me cheering them on at every game creating scrapbooks for every milestone or welcoming

00:15:52.460 them from home from school with fresh baked muffins in order to feel loved and grow secure

00:15:58.240 into well-rounded adults. While they are central to my life, my world does not revolve around them.

00:16:03.380 I'm sure they love hearing this. Can you imagine reading this? Did you see what your mom wrote

00:16:07.920 about you? She said her life does not revolve around you, nor do I believe it would serve

00:16:17.200 them any better if I did. Three, lowering your bar to good enough. The bar on what it means to

00:16:22.600 be a great parent has gradually been moving up oh my god you know women used to like sew their

00:16:29.020 kids clothes but somehow we're like deluded into thinking the bar for being a good parent has moved

00:16:34.680 up we don't even raise our kids i mean we throw our kids it's like you could put the kid in day

00:16:40.520 care my sister worked at a daycare they throw them in like six months in my my sister was raising

00:16:46.340 your children okay my sister did it so i have firsthand and you know what my sister would tell

00:16:51.660 me how bad some of the people watching the kids were so i know what's going on in these daycares

00:16:57.340 and you people aren't gonna like it um okay oh we got a super chat thank you daily driver if you

00:17:05.480 have anything you want to read um feel free okay so the all right so where were we after all it's

00:17:16.800 who we are for our children, happy, good humored, and a role model for values that we believe in

00:17:22.160 that ultimately impacts how close we are, our homes, our meals, and responsible for women

00:17:27.060 are on the front cover of women's magazines. The reality is that you don't have to be a perfect

00:17:32.220 parent to be a great parent. See, there it is. You do have to be damn near a perfect parent to

00:17:37.500 be a great parent. Like that's, you can't be great at something unless you're close to perfect,

00:17:42.500 right but you know there's a level parents there's b level there's c men know that there's good

00:17:50.500 enough right like men kind of understand like really i've heard more men going by trying to

00:17:56.340 get like passing grades good enough they're like you know what as long as my kid's not on the street

00:18:01.440 he's not doing drugs my daughter's not on only fans you know maybe she grows up to be like a lazy

00:18:08.700 person but she's not the lady or maybe you know maybe she like she has her flaws she's still a

00:18:14.380 woman but at least she's good enough or my son yeah he's he has this bad character trait but you

00:18:20.560 know what he's not doing drugs men can accept that about their kids right they're like you know what

00:18:24.860 good enough that's a stamp that's passed but women it's like they have to be great at things

00:18:31.940 you can't just be well I was an all right mom all right refuse to buy into guilt mongerers

00:18:40.000 while some women thrive on critiquing other women's parenting proficiency the best mothers

00:18:45.600 I've met have no need to throw stones at how other people parent their children they're simply more

00:18:50.620 interested in doing the best that they can on their own so while you can't always avoid the

00:18:55.000 righteous parenting police you can choose to see their self-inflating opinions on everything from

00:19:01.320 disposable diapers i didn't even know there wasn't disposable diapers do you guys clean that

00:19:08.240 you sorry okay to disciplinary tactics for what they are an easy way to justify their own choices

00:19:15.280 and conceal doubt about their own parenting skills the fact is there is no one right way

00:19:20.020 when it comes to raising children just we as we all differ in our personalities preferences and

00:19:25.660 circumstances the choices that we make make us feel whole healthy and happy differ as well to

00:19:33.680 those who love to critique and judge and to all those who felt a long string of judgment remark

00:19:38.900 or scornful glance I say to each their own so again women's biggest fears being judged because

00:19:45.320 again it makes perfect sense like if we had a bad reputation in a tribe do you know who was

00:19:52.400 going to get our head chopped off or sacrifice to the gods. Like they used to believe in like

00:19:57.480 sacrifice. And so if you weren't like, if you had a bad reputation as a woman, guess who was getting

00:20:05.460 her head chopped off next? Guess who was on like the Salem witch trials? Do you know what I mean?

00:20:10.580 You. So we had to protect our reputation with our life. Men had to work on being useful. There's

00:20:17.960 nothing worse than a useless man, right? So men, they don't really care if they're liked. They're

00:20:24.860 kind of like, eh, I don't care if you think my kid is good or bad. I care that my kid isn't doing

00:20:31.640 drugs and is not in jail and graduates from high school, makes it to 18 without being pregnant or

00:20:37.340 getting someone pregnant. If I've done that, I've done my job. Good enough. And if the kid comes

00:20:43.520 back and says you were a bad parent in this way and this way and that way the mothers it's world

00:20:48.260 war three and the dads will say I was the dads will say yeah I was but you know what you're alive

00:20:55.720 aren't you women we just can't like own the fact that we're not perfect you know like men they know

00:21:03.500 they're like well I could have been better I could like they're like yeah you know and it's the same

00:21:09.800 thing at work like they don't as long as they're doing a good job they don't care if everyone

00:21:13.980 thinks they're doing good they don't care like that's how women get all these useless awards

00:21:18.520 because they care about them right so you know I've heard about women getting awards for work

00:21:23.740 that men have done but men just don't care about that so they're just like here you go

00:21:28.860 they don't care about credit but women it's like I know just take the out Zach in the chat he's

00:21:36.520 saying just take the L's. Why can't we? You know, I was raised in cotton diapers. My dad would throw

00:21:42.880 these bad boys over the fence and hit them with garden hose. Five, don't dilute your presence

00:21:48.260 with distraction. We can't be with our kids 24-7 and yet never be fully present to them. While

00:21:55.500 turning off from work and other distractions, it's easier said than done. It's important to

00:22:00.760 be intentional about being fully present to your children whenever you are with them by minimizing

00:22:07.560 the multitasking as much as humanly possible. I often take my kids out for a hot chocolate at

00:22:14.240 a local cafe as a sweet treat for me and for them as well, which removes me from the magnetic pull

00:22:19.900 of my home office. Some may believe this is going great lengths to avoid distraction, but as I've

00:22:25.240 mentioned, it's not about what other people think. It's what works for me. So what women tend to do

00:22:29.400 is we like to buy we have a hard time being a nice person right we have a hard time like just

00:22:37.260 being pleasant like that's very difficult for us you know not being a bitch not nagging not

00:22:43.840 so what we like to do is buy things and hope you forget all of the bad things we do

00:22:49.620 and men are easily like guilt tripped and kids can really I mean they can be bought right I mean

00:22:56.320 It's like you buy my sister concert tickets to Adele.

00:23:00.140 She forgets, you know, so.

00:23:05.420 Yeah, and that's easier than again, the hard thing, which is like character building, like

00:23:09.900 men, if they don't build their character, they get beat up by other men.

00:23:13.200 They get taken advantage of by women like the life happens to them.

00:23:16.980 But women, we can just be like, no, that's too hard, you know.

00:23:20.500 All right.

00:23:20.960 What other mothers are doing is none of your business, doing what works for you, for your

00:23:24.780 children and your family to stay happy stay humored and connected is all that matters i actually

00:23:29.880 do agree but mothers will make it everyone's business because they can't shut up on the

00:23:35.120 internet so they will they will give like best practices to parent and whatnot so they'll say

00:23:40.880 that but like she's got a blog talking about how she parents like she just talked about the hot

00:23:45.000 chocolate right so they say it but they don't mean it so i mean women right all right so now

00:23:52.000 we're going to get so the woman that did a rant about her husband not doing chores she has not

00:23:58.380 stopped she has not so she went even further um and now she's talking about rationalizing

00:24:07.420 outsourcing motherhood so here we go there are lots of reasons why people would have child care

00:24:11.520 i was mostly speaking in response to the woman that i responded to because i'm pretty sure she

00:24:16.320 has videos saying she could be a stay-at-home mom she just chooses not to for for her career's sake

00:24:21.140 hi I'm the working mom who prioritized my career over my kids according to Emma and she's been

00:24:25.280 responding to my video in all of her videos and I'm just here to say that yes I made a video that

00:24:30.780 outlined the cost that has been identified as the cost to raise a child these days and

00:24:34.640 labeled it as one of the main reasons that some millennials are choosing not to have kids

00:24:37.800 not all millennials but some millennials and not only that I acknowledge that I come from a place

00:24:44.020 of privilege I'm a mother of four kids and I am able to spend a shit ton of money on daycare

00:24:49.160 because my husband and I have careers with salaries that allow us to do that we are incredibly

00:24:53.600 privileged to be able to do that but the translation I want to flirt with someone at work

00:24:59.980 and find a second husband and while I do that I want someone else to raise the kids

00:25:05.340 because I don't really like the husband that much and I'm kind of regretting

00:25:09.660 procreating with him I kind of I think I could have did better even though I can't because you

00:25:16.080 know she looks like that um but she's convinced again you know cute right cute enough to flirt

00:25:21.760 with at work but you're not marrying her right i mean you'll you'll hit you know you'll hit in the

00:25:26.260 parking lot at work when it's convenient right when it's easy but you know so that's going to

00:25:32.440 dilute her cost of raising a child in our country is unaffordable and inaccessible i have very

00:25:38.300 expensive tastes to most people not to some but to most because the cost of daycare alone

00:25:45.440 is averaging around $20,000 a year per child in many states. The cost of groceries is on average

00:25:54.260 like $12,000 a person a year. That is an insane amount. The cost of housing has gone up like crazy

00:26:02.880 as have interest rates. So if you unfortunately were not one of the lucky ones to get in with a

00:26:07.880 3% interest rate, if you are not one of the lucky ones to have a career that allows you to be able

00:26:13.200 afford child care then you are probably having a difficult time navigating managing having a child

00:26:19.360 and a family it's not about priorities it's about privilege when you have privilege you're typically

00:26:24.560 able to do things that other people cannot do but that does not mean you should use your privilege

00:26:29.920 to be blind to the realities of everybody outside of your lived experience here's the thing she made

00:26:35.680 a comment about me prioritizing my career and choosing not to translation i do prioritize my

00:26:41.040 career i don't really want to watch my kids but i'm going to spend three minutes and 48 seconds

00:26:47.200 of pearl's life now i have to react to this thank you i you know i should say thank you you keep me

00:26:53.440 employed ladies you really do if you guys were normal then i wouldn't have a job thanks to be

00:27:00.480 a stay-at-home mom but that is not accurate i've talked about why i'm not a stay-at-home mom there's

00:27:05.360 many reasons one of them being yes i like my career and i like having a job but the other

00:27:09.520 reasons are one i'd like to be able to provide for my family in case my husband's ever unable

00:27:13.680 to work for any reason and or is deceased whatever it might be divorced who knows i need to be able

00:27:19.040 to provide for him he said i'm not gonna buy her coffee but i'll make her an office coffee

00:27:23.360 yeah i mean it's like easy right it's convenient my children i would also like to retire that's

00:27:28.640 something that's really important to me um i would like to be able to provide my children with a

00:27:32.080 certain kind of life i want them to be able to come to me should they need help financially

00:27:35.920 when they're older i know many of us didn't have that and i'd like to be able to do that for my

00:27:39.920 kids i like being able to put my kids in soccer and basketball and gymnastics and i wouldn't be

00:27:44.480 able to do those things if i didn't have a job right there's so many things we wouldn't be able

00:27:48.480 to do for some families having a job means health care i like the clout of my kids being in all this

00:27:53.680 stuff so really i had a dream of being a pro athlete and so i'm going to live vicariously

00:27:59.280 through that through my kids and um yeah i like the status of going to this stuff right do you

00:28:06.480 think you know like men it'll be like a cost benefit analysis they're like well that's really

00:28:10.880 expensive we're just not going to do it but the women are like but clout but status but i want to

00:28:16.000 look cool but i mean the kids want it's totally the kids it's not the kids they're really important

00:28:20.960 pearl reed this woman is nuts it's not privilege or luck it's hard work that enabled you to afford

00:28:25.360 to house important to consider it is not just about the career and god why don't we ask dads

00:28:30.320 why they're prioritizing their careers over their kids the priorities we're talking about

00:28:35.200 is actually not whether or not a woman prioritizes her career over her family

00:28:39.680 it's about what our country's it's about what our country's prioritizing over families

00:28:43.360 and children there are people who can help create infrastructure to make it possible

00:28:48.800 for millennials and all younger generations to have children and families but that's not happening

00:28:54.560 and people adjusting their priorities to not eat takeout or whatever it is emma's alluding to

00:28:59.200 is not going to make it possible for them to have kids you have to have a certain level of privilege

00:29:04.800 it's so crazy because women will say anything's possible when it comes to their careers but when

00:29:09.280 it comes to working and like having a family they're like impossible like if you if they'll

00:29:14.400 nag their husbands and be like you can make more you can do more and the guy's like it's just not

00:29:18.640 possible she's like it's possible but when you ask her well could you spend less money impossible

00:29:25.680 we can't we can't do it in order to have children these days it's like there's a reason we didn't

00:29:30.400 have bank accounts or credit cards in the past there's a reason you know because it is incredibly

00:29:36.000 difficult and expensive and i hear that from so many women and men on this app and it is important

00:29:41.600 to remind ourselves that yes of course it's possible it's it's possible even in the most

00:29:47.280 dire of financial situations you can have children it doesn't mean it's not very very

00:29:51.280 very hard and it's not about your priorities at the end of the day okay that's where i'm

00:29:56.320 getting annoyed by all of this i didn't respond last week really i kind of wanted to move on from

00:30:00.800 it but i think the inherent privilege that's being ignored in this conversation is so frustrating

00:30:08.240 yeah woman talks when kids are married for their parents for working too much

00:30:15.280 are mad at mad at their okay so it's when the the kids are like hey mom why didn't you raise me

00:30:21.680 like why weren't you did you not want to be there did you not know this comment as an example of

00:30:30.160 how we can engage in perspective taking for both child and parent in adulthood this is a parent

00:30:36.160 here that's saying that her adult child is blaming her for choosing her career over her children and

00:30:42.080 And the parent is saying, what was I supposed to choose?

00:30:44.540 Letting my kids be homeless and go hungry.

00:30:47.360 So there's clearly two very different perspectives

00:30:49.460 going on here.

00:30:50.460 And unless we try to understand

00:30:52.520 the other person's perspective,

00:30:54.220 our feelings are just going to come out

00:30:56.120 as dismissiveness and blame and rejection of your feelings.

00:31:01.460 So let's talk about what it feels like for a child,

00:31:04.720 my own child included in this,

00:31:06.980 when their parent leaves and goes to work.

00:31:09.400 It's a separation.

00:31:10.900 It's painful depending on the age of the child.

00:31:13.660 They really don't understand

00:31:14.960 why you have to go to work so much.

00:31:17.740 They don't understand what money is,

00:31:19.380 how things are paid for.

00:31:20.540 These are things that they are learning.

00:31:22.400 All they know is that work takes my parent away from me,

00:31:26.600 makes it harder for me to connect with them.

00:31:28.980 Work makes them frustrated, on edge.

00:31:32.140 It makes them stressed.

00:31:33.660 Like work can mean a lot of bad things to a kid,

00:31:37.400 especially if they hear parents complaining about work

00:31:40.840 venting about work all the time, acting very stressed about work. And a lot of us do this

00:31:44.300 just like on accident because life is hard sometimes. And so the child identifies work

00:31:50.700 as something that is not good in their life. Now, the parent knows as an adult that they have to

00:31:58.420 work in order to pay the bills, in order to keep a roof over their child's head to feed them,

00:32:03.380 et cetera. And the parent also probably feels a lot of stress about this, that it's difficult

00:32:08.000 to maintain a job and take care of kids and do all these other things. These two perspectives

00:32:13.360 are both true at the same time. The child can say, I feel abandoned when you go to work. I don't like

00:32:19.660 it. It makes me uncomfortable. I never know when you're going to come back. I feel like work always

00:32:25.220 makes you upset. I just really don't like your work. And the adult parent can also say, I have

00:32:31.800 to go to work. Work is necessary. Work requires me to do all of these things. And this is even

00:32:37.380 something that i think about personally you know when my kids are older might they say to me you

00:32:41.540 didn't spend enough time with us i didn't feel like you were around a lot you chose your career

00:32:45.140 over us and i would have to say tell me more about what it felt like for you that might have been the

00:32:52.660 only good piece of advice i've ever heard a woman say she said don't gaslight them say tell me tell

00:33:00.420 me more i just can't imagine a woman actually doing that i can't i cannot imagine a world

00:33:06.500 Or you could go to a mother and say, these are the things that I wish you didn't do when

00:33:10.500 I was a kid.

00:33:11.420 And the mother saying, tell me, I just can't, has hell frozen over?

00:33:20.080 I just can't see.

00:33:23.440 Even her, I'm like, when I went to work, because the men, you could say that, like, do you

00:33:29.800 know what's crazy?

00:33:30.280 You could go to the men and be like, yeah, dad, you didn't do this.

00:33:33.200 You didn't do that.

00:33:33.940 And you didn't do that.

00:33:34.620 And the dad would say, yeah, I didn't.

00:33:36.500 i did the best i could like that's what the guys will say they'll be like yeah

00:33:41.260 i i agree they'll be like look i was doing the best i could i did what i i thought was

00:33:48.160 best at the time but the women it's like you think i'm a bad person cry cry cry it's like

00:33:55.640 hell um what were you when i well i was always happy to hear that the parents were leaving the

00:34:02.020 house when I was a kid. Yeah. Do you know what? Like at a certain age, I'm not even for like the

00:34:08.180 house. Like I'm not even saying women can't work. It's just like, who's going to raise the baby?

00:34:13.860 Like somebody's got to watch the baby, you know, thinking when I would go to work all the time,

00:34:18.140 what do you think would have been different about your life if I was staying home and I was spending

00:34:21.940 time with you? And I will have to try to have a conversation about that. But if your adult child

00:34:29.640 is telling you i feel abandoned by you i feel like you chose your work over me and the response is

00:34:37.800 what was i supposed to do let you be homeless and go hungry that shuts the conversation down

00:34:44.480 and it stops them from wanting to talk to you and you can have yeah that actually was that decent

00:34:51.540 advice like you know women it's again we give such bad advice all the time that when women say

00:35:00.540 not all not all but when women have a tendency to give such bad advice that when I hear a woman say

00:35:05.960 something that isn't insane or crazy I like feel like I need to get my ears checked I'm like did

00:35:12.400 that make sense I think that's why you guys watch my show you know you're like she doesn't she can't

00:35:18.320 be real okay here we got should women give up their careers to raise kids women shouldn't give

00:35:25.440 up their career paths because i think that and you know it's crazy men can give up their career

00:35:33.700 for a couple years and then come back and come back better stronger than ever earning more like

00:35:39.360 you'll see like men go through like a second wave after their kids are older women it's really not

00:35:44.760 the same they get burnt out and bitter raising children is so deeply fulfilling and pearl reed

00:35:53.000 says jason say boy you had a roof over your head and food in your belly when you were showered and

00:35:58.240 you showered you were fortunate that's how he'd respond yeah you know like the men they're like

00:36:05.040 yep this is full and fills you up but it's finite it is finite and i think that if you

00:36:13.120 put a hundred percent of yourself into those children i question whether that's even good

00:36:17.860 for the kids to have that much pressure on them to know that someone's entire being is about them

00:36:23.660 um my pediatrician said to me when my daughter was born and i had a lot of postpartum anxiety about

00:36:31.980 being away from her he said it's your job every day to put a little bit more space between you

00:36:39.680 and her so that when she see even the medical system lies to us they tell us what we want we

00:36:45.640 want to hear they need our money right the doctor's like this he's like this this woman is crying

00:36:51.020 about being away from her daughter but she clearly wants to work what does she want to hear so i can

00:36:56.120 get more money and then he says you know what your daughter needs space from you at eight months old

00:37:05.580 She totally does.

00:37:07.100 Your daughter is going to look back and say, yes, that's what I need.

00:37:11.560 Space and you to be your own person.

00:37:15.260 Is grown up.

00:37:16.280 She is a functioning adult, completely autonomous from you.

00:37:19.820 Yeah, I'm sure an eight month old, a two year old says, you know what I need for my parents?

00:37:23.860 Autonomy.

00:37:25.720 But again, I get they're like, how much money do I want to make?

00:37:28.940 Do I want to make eight dollars or do I want to make two dollars?

00:37:32.940 It's like I'm picking eight, baby.

00:37:34.320 I didn't make this world.

00:37:35.580 and I remember thinking god that's harsh you know I'm holding this tiny baby but I understand it

00:37:43.380 more now you know dropping my little one off at kindergarten and watching her cry and pulling my

00:37:49.940 car over and sobbing on the way to work is a big step for her and a big step for me and then when

00:37:57.540 I pick her up at the end of the day and she's all smiles like I understand the value of that process

00:38:03.220 Um, so I digress a little bit, but it is related to your question, which is,

00:38:09.100 I think that when women come to me, you only need to see me this one time said no therapist ever

00:38:17.540 after being married for 20 years and they've given up their career to raise children.

00:38:23.080 And then let's just use the cliche that the husband doesn't want to be in this marriage anymore.

00:38:30.600 That's not the cliche. It's the other way around, but okay.

00:38:33.220 and i think this is a famous woman she's dating actors i mean yeah those guys but like a truck

00:38:39.460 driver is gonna go find someone new it's way too much work for him doesn't feel like he needs to

00:38:44.500 support her and they look at me and they're like jack what do i do and i say you you've got to try

00:38:51.780 to support yourself and you've got to try to get a job and you've gotten there like but i haven't

00:38:56.020 worked in 20 years and that's just i think that being financially capable is really important in

00:39:04.580 life no matter who you are i think that having the ability to provide for yourself i don't actually

00:39:10.020 disagree with that i mean in this like in this world there's too many skills that you can

00:39:16.420 like you can make money on your laptop like there's so many ways to make money um yeah um makes

00:39:21.940 it less likely that you will be dependent on somebody else and makes it less likely

00:39:26.280 that you will stay in a bad situation. Okay.

00:39:32.440 Anyways, guys, I think that's the last one. Well, I'd love to hear from you guys if you could let me

00:39:39.740 know in the comment section and I'll, I think I'll read it next show. What was the working

00:39:45.600 situation with you and your wife what did she stay home did she work part-time for a period

00:39:52.780 and then retire early how did you guys do it if you have kids and would you have changed anything

00:39:58.780 I'd love to know in the comments other than that thank you guys so much for watching today

00:40:03.820 please like the video on your way out please subscribe to the channel and bring that notification

00:40:09.240 bell and I'll see you guys on Monday see ya

00:40:15.600 Thank you.

00:40:45.600 You

Pearl - April 11, 2025

Mothers Hate Giving Up Their Careers For Their Children ｜ Pearl Daily

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