Pearl - Raised by Nannies： Are Modern Moms Abandoning Their Children？

00:00:00.000 the harm will not be seen or felt until the child gets older so there is a post that talks about so

00:00:06.720 modern women think that they can have it all it's an illusion and delusion that has been pushed for 1.00

00:00:11.760 the last 50 years women that were wives and mothers in the 50s and 60s and 70s taught their

00:00:19.040 young daughters to go get some degree that is too expensive in a world of men to try to carve out a 1.00

00:00:24.400 life for themselves even tv shows like sex in the city showed all of the women with these fly 1.00

00:00:30.960 high in careers pushed off getting married and having a family until later on in life

00:00:36.560 a small percentage of these women attain the financial success that they work for be it on 1.00

00:00:41.040 their own or with a successful husband most of these women are so ingrained in the identity of 0.99

00:00:47.040 their careers that they cannot give it up when they become mothers this usually means that when

00:00:51.600 they have kids they end up hiring nannies to take care of them 12 of parents with children

00:00:59.120 under the age of three higher nannies are full for full or part-time services in the united states

00:01:04.800 nine percent of parents with children ages three to five higher nannies and only 3.3 percent of

00:01:09.680 high earning americans employ a nanny so what are the risks of letting a nanny raise your children for

00:01:15.520 the mother many problems may arise the child grows more connected to another woman than the mother

00:01:23.680 feelings of anxiety and guilt for not being with the child enough the child grows accustomed to the

00:01:30.240 company of the nanny over the mother jealousy and resentment from the mother to the nanny especially

00:01:35.920 first-time mothers and children are normally better behaved in the day and they get tired and cranky at

00:01:41.840 night leaving the mother with nothing but the difficult time with the child what are the risks

00:01:48.160 for the children resentment towards the mother and then the family for not being there in their

00:01:52.720 formative years having to disconnect from multiple nannies creating abandonment issues a non-traditional

00:02:00.080 family dynamic compared to peers in a friend group or at school now i'm not saying that nannies are a bad

00:02:07.680 thing if a family has the resources to hire a nanny they should consider it as an option the but the

00:02:14.560 show is purely about awareness everything has its pros and cons positives and negatives ups and downs

00:02:21.200 there is a downside to having nannies raise your kids and it is not talked about enough in modern society

00:02:27.680 nannies are okay as long as they aren't the primary caretaker the problem is if you rotate nannies in

00:02:33.600 and out of a child's life all of the problem is if you rotate strangers in and out of a child's life

00:02:42.720 that are the primary caretaker so all of these boss women that are denying their natural urge 1.00

00:02:48.000 to go care for children and focus on their career are risking harming their children

00:02:52.160 by leaving them alone to be raised by a nanny that can come and go at will and essentially is a stranger

00:02:58.400 the harm will not be seen or felt until the child gets older so there is a post that talks about

00:03:05.280 does having a nanny hurt the child parent bond blog post

00:03:12.240 okay does having a nanny hurt the child parent bond 0.71

00:03:18.640 how do i get hold on okay

00:03:21.680 well having a having a nanny hurt my flowering bond with my seven month old

00:03:28.560 how do one-on-one caregivers impact parent attachment with babies please ease my mind and broken heart

00:03:38.080 first so this is the ask advice column and it's a sad new mom back at work

00:03:44.400 first i am sorry you are sad it's an easy situation for people to say oh don't feel sad your baby is

00:03:51.840 doing great or oh you're so lucky you can afford a nanny you might be lucky but your baby is probably

00:03:57.600 doing great but it's completely normal and appropriate to be sad it's also normal and appropriate

00:04:02.320 not to be sad all the feelings are normal here we are all muddling through so take a moment to

00:04:08.000 acknowledge those feelings for what they are you're sad and it doesn't necessarily mean that you've made

00:04:12.480 the wrong choice second to your question infant maternal attachment is commonly tested with

00:04:18.800 something called the strange situation test you can read more about it here but basically it involves

00:04:24.640 bringing mothers and infants into a lab setting and seeing how the infants react to separation

00:04:29.680 stranger exposure and reuniting with mom through this test researchers aim to measure secure attachment

00:04:38.080 there are of course variations across infants in their attachment but data doesn't suggest this is

00:04:44.000 associated with the care environment one study from australia actually finds more secure attachment

00:04:50.080 in infants whose mothers showed more commitment to an early workforce return there isn't strong evidence

00:04:56.400 that the attachment your child has to you will be influenced by the presence of a nanny third i want to

00:05:01.440 give you a heads up about a few things that will happen so you are ready one is that your kid will cry

00:05:07.120 when you leave them they're like no it's totally fine but your kid is gonna cry when you leave them

00:05:14.400 um with the nanny and sometimes they will cry when you come home and the nanny leaves that's okay

00:05:19.840 it's normal it doesn't necessarily mean they hate you or they hate the nanny they hate transitions

00:05:24.320 or their foot hurts or they were hungry don't read too much into this once they start talking they will

00:05:28.960 sometimes call you by the nanny's name this doesn't mean they don't know that you are the mom

00:05:32.640 they are just taking talking fast the same way my mom called me my brother the wrong name a lot

00:05:38.720 it doesn't mean anything so that right there is cope right so again this is women trying to 1.00

00:05:43.520 rationalize being bad mothers right so what they do is they outsource the motherhood so they don't have 1.00

00:05:49.280 to do it and again i'm not saying it's the worst thing in the world but yeah um it's really not good

00:05:58.160 when the nanny is spending more time with the kids than the mother so okay i work as a full-time

00:06:06.560 nanny for an infant currently five months old this is one of the comments i am also the child's

00:06:11.280 grandmother which does alter the dynamic of the work relationship first i will say parents still

00:06:16.400 have opportunities to form a strong bond with their infant if there is a full-time nanny there's

00:06:20.880 morning evenings and weekend hours to spend with their little ones the quality of the time is very

00:06:25.200 important if the parents are under stress from their career obligations or other situations the

00:06:29.760 parents can turn the bonding with their little one so that the one parent can handle bills or chores

00:06:35.520 and the other parent is completely relaxed while playing with and caring for the infant the parent can

00:06:40.400 switch those roles so that each has a high quality time with their baby the baby should not be left

00:06:45.280 alone for long periods when the parents are caretakers some parents do this thinking the child had

00:06:50.400 enough bond time with the nanny and the child is hungry for time with the parents an infant recognizes

00:06:56.960 the difference between a nanny and a parent and the natural instinct is to want to be with the

00:07:01.280 parents so that said it is inevitable that the infant will form a strong attachment with the nanny the

00:07:05.760 nanny may spend more hours per week with the infant than the parents a non-competent nanny will look

00:07:11.840 out for the child's well-being and may recommend approaches to health and development the parents can

00:07:16.880 follow up on these suggestions with research and decision making that supports the needs of the

00:07:21.360 child however the nanny may have good suggestions and it may go smoother the ideas should not be

00:07:26.160 dismissed out of hand by the parents okay so um here we have a youtube video talking about if kids raised

00:07:36.560 by nannies will resent their parents remember most of your tradcon influencers have nannies raising their

00:07:43.680 kids i'm just saying when you see them traveling all over the country right after they had a child

00:07:50.560 someone else is raising that kid many single moms will dump the child on the grandmother raised 1.00

00:07:56.320 so she can live her best right life yeah i mean why raise your kid if someone else can do it for you

00:08:02.160 see it's interesting men again they want to raise the kid they want they find it fun they like it

00:08:07.440 women on the other hand they like the cloud of the kid so they like to post the kid on instagram 0.99

00:08:16.240 but not spend too much time with it where the guy is more private about the kid but he loves

00:08:22.800 spending time with the kid right it's like uh you know and her nanny to walk her down the aisle 1.00

00:08:29.200 because that's how close they were she had both parents work bizarre hours and says that she was

00:08:34.080 raised by the nanny but questions only if it altered her relationship to her mom not her dad

00:08:40.080 by prioritizing your career or yourself are you giving your child a better life or one full of

00:08:46.480 resentment and why have kids at all if you're just going to dump them on the nanny today let's get into

00:08:52.160 the topic of a raised by the nanny what it means and can it be a good thing

00:08:56.560 that dad is banging the nanny there's no way he's not 1.00

00:09:11.600 big monkey on the tv but who comes to see you tomorrow

00:09:18.240 and it's like we tell on ourselves so now this tick tock this woman's showing how much the kids like 0.93

00:09:22.720 the nanny better on tick tock what do you think is here ideally the presence of a nanny is a new

00:09:37.840 relationship which is additive to a child's life someone else to love and care for them but sometimes

00:09:44.000 so you guys have to look at this from the point of view of the child you're bringing a stranger into

00:09:49.440 their house especially the live-in ones these are people the kid doesn't know in their personal space

00:09:56.080 right it can lead to a comparison trap when bundled together with time spent away from caretakers

00:10:03.040 people only like don't like being compared when the other person's better

00:10:08.560 do you know what i mean like men don't like being compared to a woman's exes per se unless the man's

00:10:15.040 better than all of her exes right do you know what i mean so like a woman she doesn't want to be 1.00

00:10:22.400 compared to the nanny unless she's a better mother than the nanny then she doesn't mind so much the 1.00

00:10:30.400 absence of nurturing qualities in those same caretakers and additional expectations of what

00:10:36.240 a relationship to your mom or dad should look like we might see that gratitude and happiness

00:10:41.760 disappear or not show up at all let's start by hashing out what it means to be raised by the

00:10:47.680 nanny because we're not debating kind of homeschool life here raised by the nanny generally means that

00:10:53.680 the nanny is around for longer than the typical work day so in the morning she might be there early 0.96

00:10:59.120 to help make breakfast and get the kids off to school she might also be a live-in nanny and in the 1.00

00:11:03.760 evening she might be shuttling them to and from different extra you guys are playing with fire bringing

00:11:08.400 in these hot 22 year old women into your house you are playing with fire curriculars preparing dinner 1.00

00:11:17.200 and getting them ready for bed into pjs parents might be working a demanding job or multiple jobs

00:11:23.360 they might not be around for night shifts or they might be around in tandem around the house with

00:11:28.960 other kids or juggling other responsibilities one parent describes her situation in a help column to

00:11:34.400 the washington post last year the work hours for my husband and i changed and we decided that a

00:11:39.280 live-in nanny would be best for child care our nanny is a lovely girl and we enjoy having her but over

00:11:45.040 time my kids two and seven have definitely started to prefer her they get so excited when she walks 0.99

00:11:51.280 through our door and when they have bad dreams at night they go to her room instead of ours part of

00:11:56.640 that is because my husband and i are often gone at night my two-year-old has started saying i don't want

00:12:02.720 mommy i want ali i know i shouldn't take this personally my two-year-old spends all day with

00:12:08.320 our nanny and our seven-year-old sees her a lot too but this is getting tough for me and my husband

00:12:14.560 how can we reconnect with our kids especially when we already spend so much time away from them

00:12:20.000 yeah so this is a guy basically saying my wife can't be a wife like she now i do think there's a way 1.00

00:12:28.800 right where a man maybe just wants to protect himself right there's alimony like i could see 0.98

00:12:35.280 in a world where a man says get to work bitch because i mean you're at so much more of a risk 1.00

00:12:42.320 when the woman stays home you know you're not on the hook for lifetime alimony if the woman is working 0.99

00:12:48.560 totally understand that however however um usually when this happens

00:12:58.080 it's because the woman is bad at her job she can't do it she doesn't really want to do she 1.00

00:13:02.640 doesn't really like the kids outsource find someone and men are just pragmatic they're like whatever

00:13:08.000 i'll pay someone else to do it

Pearl - April 09, 2025

Raised by Nannies： Are Modern Moms Abandoning Their Children？

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript