Pearl - This Is The Reason Why DIVORCE RATES Are SO HIGH!

00:00:00.000 So one story that I found to be really interesting was the pattern of behavior of women that were

00:00:08.100 seemingly traditional and did the traditional wife.

00:00:12.120 You know, they were a stay-at-home mom.

00:00:14.320 And one day, they just end up divorcing their husbands, breaking up their entire family.

00:00:22.120 And I know I've had the content where we say, you know, it's wrong to do that.

00:00:26.900 Maybe it's selfish, that sort of thing.

00:00:29.000 but today I'm not really trying to prescribe morality to it, but maybe understand why the

00:00:38.000 women did what they did. So I got a lot of flack last episode because I said something that maybe

00:00:45.800 surprised the audience. I said it is not better or worse to have a family, to have children.

00:00:55.400 Maybe a guy wants to be a bachelor.

00:00:58.020 Maybe a woman wants to be Oprah, call her daddy, whatever.

00:01:01.960 And I said, one isn't necessarily better than the other.

00:01:05.240 Now, what did I mean by that?

00:01:07.340 Obviously, we know that women that have family and children tend to have better relationship

00:01:13.820 outcomes the sooner they do that.

00:01:16.520 And they tend to be happier.

00:01:19.140 Like single women over the age of 45 have the highest antidepressant rates, right?

00:01:24.460 So I'm not going to pretend there's no trends and patterns and things that I see in that regard.

00:01:29.400 But the interesting thing that I saw when I interviewed so many people was that it didn't

00:01:37.800 really matter what race, ethnicity, or background people had. People are people regardless of

00:01:45.960 religion, race, or social class. And some of the rudest or maybe meanest women I'd ever met

00:01:54.320 were from a more conservative background. And then you would meet a OF model who was really

00:02:02.360 kind, caring, and compassionate to everyone in the room. So it made me realize that people maybe

00:02:08.340 aren't as black and white as I thought. So what we see now is an increase in femininity content.

00:02:16.420 And there is a whole sector of YouTube dedicated to femininity. And during this journey, I guess,

00:02:24.180 or you could say process, I really pondered a lot about what femininity is. I never really

00:02:30.160 considered myself particularly feminine. I grew up a tomboy. I was really into sports.

00:02:35.860 I never considered myself a girly girl. But I had a friend during this process that told me

00:02:43.280 she became feminine. And the interesting thing was I would have femininity coaches on. I would

00:02:49.420 have all of these different women that said they specialized in femininity but none of them could

00:02:56.080 really describe what it was none of them could really explain it and when someone says I became

00:03:04.140 feminine they would never give me an in-depth detailed explanation of how they got there right

00:03:10.740 so many women made it about hair makeup and nails and you know maybe that was part of it but I

00:03:18.380 didn't think it was as simple as maybe throwing on a flower dress and getting in the kitchen,

00:03:24.720 taking off your shoes, being bare. And you see that on TikTok a lot. And so I started to think

00:03:29.440 about the women that I considered to be the most feminine. And I, you know, you think of maybe a

00:03:34.380 grandma, an old aunt, and they just made you feel very warm, I guess is the way to describe it.

00:03:41.040 And what I concluded is that femininity at its core is being selfless.

00:03:47.460 It is thinking about others before yourself.

00:03:50.540 So what are some examples of this?

00:03:52.860 One of the most feminine women that I, actually the most feminine woman I met in my year of

00:03:59.140 shows, she comes on the show and she just starts like baking in my kitchen.

00:04:04.380 And at first you think, what is this woman doing just baking in my kitchen?

00:04:07.420 But she saw that I was really stressed out because we had a ton of people there and she just figured that people would be hungry and anticipated it.

00:04:16.540 No one had to tell her and she made the best dessert.

00:04:19.340 Oh my gosh, these desserts were so good.

00:04:22.060 And I thought to myself, that is a prime example of femininity.

00:04:26.800 Now, this woman, it wasn't like she wasn't even married, right?

00:04:32.420 So she was divorced.

00:04:33.940 She wasn't married.

00:04:34.900 but it taught me that there is a difference between being married and being a wife. Many

00:04:41.700 women get married but that doesn't necessarily mean they're a wife and that's that's actually

00:04:47.360 something that you know she said to me. Okay so what is a wife? A wife means being a support

00:04:52.860 system to a man. A wife means thinking of others before yourself. Many women sign up for this role

00:05:00.220 and are not prepared for what it entails.

00:05:04.480 It means eating his food every day instead of yours.

00:05:08.280 It means living where he wants to live

00:05:10.320 instead of where you want to live.

00:05:12.360 It means not traveling or going out

00:05:14.600 because you spend too much time away from your kids.

00:05:17.640 It means getting married on his timeline, not yours.

00:05:21.340 Remember, the most feminine woman I met

00:05:24.020 out of a thousand women

00:05:25.180 was a divorced, unmarried woman in a relationship.

00:05:27.920 but she had that aura that makes you feel at home and that's how I learned there's a difference

00:05:33.000 between being married and being a wife. So what I noticed the most about the feminine women that I

00:05:38.320 met is they were always looking to be assets and seeing how they could help. They never had to ask

00:05:45.520 they would just do and they'd always think of ways to make their man's day better. So what does this

00:05:51.720 mean? And I saw this clip or this thing on TikTok, right? And I thought it kind of, it's not this

00:05:58.260 simple, right? But this woman said, this is her routine for being a better wife. She said, I want

00:06:04.320 to be a better wife. This is what I'm going to do to improve myself to be better. Wake up at 5am to

00:06:09.340 prepare breakfast for your husband. Eggs, bacon, toast, coffee. Make sure everything's ready by

00:06:14.840 5 30 gym from 6 to 7 keep in shape no excuses clean the entire house 7 30 to 9 30 including

00:06:22.180 vacuuming dusting mopping the floors laundry must be done daily and folded by 10 a.m prepare your

00:06:27.780 lunch for your husband by noon even if he has work pack it the night before if necessary dinner must

00:06:33.640 be served 6 30 sharp a fresh home-cooked meal every day no takeout allowed be available for

00:06:39.200 snacks and drinks whenever your husband or his friends are around especially after 8 snacks

00:06:43.940 must be homemade. Ensure that the house is quiet after 9 p.m. for your husband's relaxation.

00:06:49.520 No distractions during his TV time. Go to bed by 10 p.m. to get enough rest, but only after making

00:06:55.520 sure everything is ready the next day. So what I realized is I think people have a core of who they

00:07:02.620 are. And, you know, one time a couple of years ago, I asked my dad if he thought that people

00:07:09.400 changed over time. You know, I was dating a guy my dad didn't like too much. And so I was like,

00:07:16.120 dad, do you think people change, right? And he said, yeah, you know, they do change. They get

00:07:22.680 worse. So whatever bad quality you see now, you better be okay to live with it because it's going

00:07:28.600 to be worse in 20 years. And my dad just has like wisdom like that, that just sticks with me. He's

00:07:34.980 just a very wise guy. I think it's because he was born before the social media age. They just tend

00:07:40.960 to pay more attention. And so it made me think most women today and men, but especially we in

00:07:50.300 particular are encouraged. And I don't want to phrase this as a bad thing because it's not

00:07:55.560 necessarily bad. We're encouraged to be very selfish. And we wake up and every decision we

00:08:02.480 make is thinking about ourselves first. Now, I'm going to give you guys an example where this can

00:08:08.480 be a good thing. A lawyer is not going to become partner at the firm without thinking about his

00:08:15.700 self or himself first. He has to make sure, or she, that they wake up every day and they are the most

00:08:24.180 energized they could be in order to pursue their career. Going after a career that is, you know,

00:08:31.360 that high powered, you have to be selfish to some degree because every decision you're making is to

00:08:39.600 better your career. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. In some ways, you can't help others

00:08:47.100 before you help yourself. But many women, you guys saw what I just read, that's not really

00:08:53.140 typical in 2024. And part of my process of interviewing a thousand women was I learned

00:09:01.000 what the role of a traditional wife was. And I realized how few women actually fulfilled that.

00:09:11.900 And I could probably count on maybe one hand, the amount of women that are, I know,

00:09:17.640 that are obedient to their husbands, right? That don't nag him constantly. It's almost the norm

00:09:24.580 to use backhanded compliments or that sort of thing against men or against husbands. You're

00:09:32.500 just like your father. And there's other small things I noticed. The father's side of the family

00:09:39.380 always had a tendency to be demonized. I saw a TikTok of a girl saying, I realized that

00:09:44.900 I am going to be dad's side of the family to my brothers.

00:09:49.220 And it went super viral because everyone,

00:09:52.840 because it was so common for the dad's side of the family

00:09:55.680 to be trashed.

00:09:56.580 Because women, in order to survive

00:09:58.840 from an evolutionary point of view,

00:10:01.480 reputation destruction is our biggest weapon.

00:10:04.000 And what I realized is a lot of women do not,

00:10:07.440 and not all, but a lot of women do not know themselves.

00:10:12.140 And they are not aware that

00:10:14.900 They are selfish people signing up for a selfless role.

00:10:20.640 And what happens is they get married and they play pretend.

00:10:26.240 And in my opinion, you can only play pretend for so long.

00:10:29.500 There are people that genuinely do change and get better,

00:10:32.580 but I would say that's the exception, not the rule.

00:10:35.520 So they sign up for this role, and every day they have to think of their husband's needs

00:10:39.980 and their kid's needs first.

00:10:41.620 And it's just not who they are.

00:10:44.180 So why did I say that, you know, there's no better or worse choices?

00:10:50.020 Because through this experience, and at first I really did.

00:10:53.740 I thought that every single woman, it would be better for them to have children.

00:10:59.040 I really thought that.

00:11:00.460 Until I met so many women that destroyed their families because they did not know their role.

00:11:08.140 They would leave their husbands because they outgrew them.

00:11:11.840 there would be mothers that i would see at every event in london just on their stories and i would

00:11:18.560 just think who is is watching your children you can't be an involved mother and be out four days

00:11:25.040 a week there's just no way who's cooking your kids dinner and you see this online a lot you know you

00:11:31.120 see the looking on women looking on instagram i've seen women looking on instagram for a nanny

00:11:36.800 that's crazy you guys are trust there are people that trust strangers with their children so

00:11:42.880 and it just made me have the thought that if these women were honest with themselves

00:11:48.400 they would know they just were never meant to be mothers because they were too selfish for that role

00:11:56.720 and i didn't necessarily think they were bad people sometimes they were kind people they were

00:12:01.760 nice enough but you could just tell every decision in their life was for themselves and i saw this

00:12:08.560 with lauren southern she spends years traveling the world building up her career not a bad thing

00:12:13.840 right and then signs up for a role where you have to think about everyone else's needs first

00:12:21.040 and if you haven't practiced for that role a lot of women get overwhelmed or they get sick of

00:12:27.360 playing a role that they weren't built for after 20 years and then end up leaving their husbands

00:12:33.440 and their families and you see this in a lot of their videos the funny the interesting thing is

00:12:38.320 i tell you guys this stuff and you can go on tick tock and find a woman just admitting this

00:12:44.720 and the phrases that they tend to use is i lost myself and when you first hear that you think

00:12:51.920 that sounds crazy. What do you mean you lost yourself? But what you come to understand is

00:12:57.620 what they're actually saying is I was a person before I got married. I got married and part of

00:13:04.880 getting married is giving up parts of yourself. If you were a woman and you used to go to the

00:13:11.200 club every weekend, part of getting married is giving that up and watching your kids and they

00:13:16.280 miss that old version of themselves. And maybe they had friends and they watched their friends

00:13:22.820 do all the things that they wished they could do. Maybe it's pursuing hobbies. Maybe it's going to

00:13:28.820 the club. Maybe it's that. And then at 40 or 45, but you see they were fooling themselves into

00:13:36.880 thinking they were something they were not. And the other issue is we're attracted to 10% of men.

00:13:42.860 So a lot of the, you know, if you go higher and higher up the success hierarchy and the options

00:13:49.740 hierarchy of men, the less, I guess, BS the guy is going to put up with because you can be easily

00:13:57.000 replaced. So some of the women were pretty good looking, but if you go after, say, a corporate

00:14:02.960 attorney and you get to marry him or you get to be his wife, right? A guy like that isn't going to,

00:14:10.060 you're not going to get your way as much as say, if you married, I don't know, a more laid back

00:14:15.560 job, maybe an engineer, something, something like that, right? Those guys tend to be a little more

00:14:20.700 laid back. But the problem was as women, a lot of times we don't think a lot of this stuff through

00:14:27.080 where maybe they liked the guy, but they didn't, they were not realistic about who they were and

00:14:34.240 what kind of lifestyle they'd want to lead. Okay. Now I'm going to pull up a couple of

00:14:40.800 examples. So what do y'all know about how I spent my twenties? So this is a conversation that's

00:14:50.760 being had, but a lot of the stories right now are like, well, he left me with four kids,

00:14:53.600 whatever, whatever. So I left, but let's talk about how I, yeah. Welcome to Coffee Talk with

00:14:59.280 your host, Linda Richman. It's like two in the afternoon. So today we are actually having a Dr.

00:15:03.560 pepper talk so that's all right all right all right you know what i mean but you thought i was

00:15:06.920 going to come with receipts wait see this is why the guys will say vetting women doesn't work

00:15:13.320 because one day you get the left one day you get the right you would that's the other thing you

00:15:18.920 would be surprised how much people's opinions change in their lifetime so obviously the environment i

00:15:25.800 was raised in was fairly conservative with a lot of gender roles and a lot of stuff like that right

00:15:29.880 but i was raised by essentially a single mother even though you know she's married sometimes and

00:15:33.240 Okay. So this is another phenomenon I saw. I would meet people from traditional countries

00:15:39.640 and I would meet a lot of second generation immigrants that were like they, their parents

00:15:46.740 were from a more traditional country. And I couldn't count the number of times that I heard

00:15:51.860 them say that the traditional mother who was married to her husband for 30 years told the

00:15:58.340 daughter not to get married or to delay that as soon as possible. Or another one is that the stay

00:16:05.940 at home mom is a single mother. And so when I grew up and had my own kids, my trauma response to

00:16:12.460 things that I was lacking in my childhood was to go completely the other way. Like, I'm not going

00:16:16.920 to work. I'm going to be the president of the PT. I'm going to be there 24 seven, all of that stuff,

00:16:20.040 which I was happy when I was. Okay. So her early childhood is what it's very selfish, not bad,

00:16:27.240 right there's nothing wrong with doing that stuff but all the decisions she's talking about are for

00:16:33.100 herself and it wasn't this thing that i was like oh my god you know what i mean but looking back

00:16:39.040 there was no me in there now i started working really young so i'd already had quite a career

00:16:44.560 so when i met my second ex-husband we decided to get married we decided we wanted to do things

00:16:48.940 old school we wanted to do the traditional gender roles he went to work i stayed home with the kids

00:16:53.500 and all of this stuff. And at first it was amazing. And I got to do everything I wanted to do and I

00:16:59.560 could make the kids, you know, my, my kids never ate baby food. That wasn't something that I made

00:17:03.620 and stuff like that, which was an amazing part of it. But as time went on, I realized she reverted

00:17:09.420 back to her original self because you can only put up an act for so long. I was not in any way

00:17:16.140 an equal part of our home. It started with like smaller things that, you know, you wouldn't

00:17:20.600 necessarily just like oh okay well it's his job and you know i am the one who stays home and this

00:17:24.300 is for me and i need to figure this out like you know i need you to watch the kids for me once a

00:17:27.760 week so i go to therapy no okay now she's starting to get entitled and resentful i want this you're

00:17:34.280 not giving me this and again when you meet the super feminine women it's just a different

00:17:39.440 experience they make you feel so warm and they would never throw it in your face if they do

00:17:44.860 something nice for you you know i might have to work i can't commit to that okay i want to go to

00:17:50.020 college. I never, you know, I never got to do that. I started working real young and did all

00:17:53.020 that stuff. Oh, well. So she saw her friends go to college and she thought, wow, I want to go to

00:17:58.740 college. Starts to resent the husband even more. Who's going to pay for it? Who's going to pay?

00:18:05.000 Okay. And one of the biggest wake up calls I got was when my son was going through his diagnosis

00:18:08.680 journey. And because of the values that we're rocking on, it was, oh no, there's nothing. You

00:18:12.520 just want him to, you just want that. Like, wouldn't even go to appointments with me.

00:18:15.700 Wouldn't entertain, even though things were pretty obvious, things were, you know, doing a thing. And

00:18:19.540 and so it just really over so the mindset a more traditional woman would have is that she's happy

00:18:25.700 to help where a woman that's a bit more modern is gonna resent her husband for not doing the things

00:18:32.420 with her time it was really really clear that even though i had someone paying my bills i was

00:18:36.740 completely on my own and i also hadn't created any nest egg i hadn't done anything for myself

00:18:41.300 like i started cosplaying to put away a little money and doing stuff like that but the more and

00:18:45.220 the more i got out into the outside world and started saying things or repeating things i

00:18:48.660 realized this is not kosher but once i started trying to work more outside of the home and put

00:18:53.060 away an estate and do that sort of stuff guess what no one's sharing domestic duties with me so

00:18:57.300 then you're in trouble all the time and getting baskets of laundry dumped on your head because

00:19:00.980 this is your job and you know it was really a traumatic time but then after all those years

00:19:05.700 of suppressing who i really was guess what happened i lost my ever-loving the lost my

00:19:10.020 absolute ever-loving had a complete nervous breakdown they crash i mean think about how

00:19:15.380 exhausting it's got to be to be someone you're not. And that's, I guess, sometimes why I poke

00:19:22.000 fun at the corn star overnight preachers. I mean, this is why we roll our eyes at that kind of stuff

00:19:28.860 because a conversion story is great, and I'm sure it happens, but there's a saying that

00:19:36.460 a tiger never changes his stripes or something like that. Maybe it's a leopard never changes

00:19:43.220 his spots, hides his, I don't, you guys have to remember in the chat. And so it's exhausting to

00:19:48.040 them because they're trying to be something that they're not. And then 20 years later,

00:19:55.600 they say, I wish I missed who I was before all of this. And that's why I say, know thyself,

00:20:02.300 know who you are. I was not anyone that I wanted to be for a couple years and all because I spent

00:20:08.440 a long time really surprising who the hell i was what the so sometimes guys when we say mumbo jumbo

00:20:15.800 and they're like that makes no sense i can decipher it you're welcome i can decipher it

00:20:20.600 i needed and not taking care of myself and not setting up a future for myself yeah so again

00:20:25.640 she has a more selfish mindset and she's saying i did not set up a future for myself and i didn't

00:20:34.760 take care of myself. So she did not know the role that she was signing up for. Now people of modern

00:20:42.640 marriages, they figure out all different types of stuff. We have air fryers and Roombas now.

00:20:47.300 There's different ways of living, right? People come up with all different types of solutions, but

00:20:52.240 this was just one pattern that I saw in the women that opted for something, but they were not that.

00:21:01.340 Again, it's not to say right or wrong. It's just saying if a woman like this knew herself a little

00:21:07.780 bit better and was honest about what she wanted, you know, maybe she would just go get the equal

00:21:14.940 partner that she was looking for and they could go do that. But that's not the type of woman that's

00:21:21.900 really qualified for what he was asking for. And trust me, there's a lot of guys out there.

00:21:27.560 they want to do the 50-50. They're like, I'm not saying all, but there's enough. I mean,

00:21:34.860 this would be like a perfect cougar woman. She totally would be. This is like the type of woman

00:21:39.660 that would date a guy 20 years younger. And it would be a win-win for both because the young guy

00:21:45.480 would get the kinky stuff, whatever. The girl's his age, don't want him. And then the old lady

00:21:52.200 gets the attractive guy and she doesn't have to listen to him boom problem solved lady now they

00:21:59.220 would obviously end badly but you know it could keep her entertained for like a decade i think

00:22:04.100 that's a win-win no i'm not saying don't do this but what i'm saying is is just make sure you're

00:22:07.980 going to therapy deconstructing your stuff and i'm talking somewhere outside of like church and

00:22:11.800 stuff like that because that's who i was talking to too and there's more women who have my story

00:22:16.080 or who have similar stories or even heat left or whatever then there are that have the other one

00:22:20.640 And that's why like this video had said, which I strongly suggest, go watch it.

00:22:24.320 Yeah, and I would agree.

00:22:25.920 That's why I said out of a thousand women, how many would I say were traditional or feminine?

00:22:31.400 Maybe 10, 15.

00:22:34.400 One, our society does not encourage people to be selfless.

00:22:38.740 And we're told being selfish is a good thing.

00:22:41.380 And two, I think emotions are something that people struggle with.

00:22:46.760 And they're very difficult to overcome.

00:22:48.840 own. So I would say it's more the exception than the rule to find truly selfless people,

00:22:55.720 people that think about everyone else before themselves. And it's not a bad thing. One's

00:23:01.020 not necessarily better or worse. They just have different outcomes. You don't see women my age

00:23:07.020 really advocating for this lifestyle. I think it's cool if that's what you want to do. Just make sure

00:23:11.340 that you CYA. And when someone my age says something like that to you, don't first go,

00:23:15.560 oh my god, she's bitter. Maybe we've seen some shit. You know what I mean? I mean, you are

00:23:20.240 bitter, but let's not. I mean, you're not going on TikTok airing out your husband's dirty laundry

00:23:26.340 without being a little bitter. Let's not. And good luck. And I'm proud of you no matter what

00:23:30.640 you do. Oh, but here's the kicker. Would I do it again? Absolutely. Absolutely. 100%. We'll never

00:23:35.560 regret the time. We never learn. We never learn. I got to spend with my kids. I just probably would

00:23:40.520 have put away a little money or maybe asked for more when I got divorced.

Pearl - September 18, 2024

This Is The Reason Why DIVORCE RATES Are SO HIGH! ｜ Pearl Daily

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