00:00:00.000this is not somebody that aged well i'm over here promoting love after 40 dating okay not the worst
00:00:06.360not the worst 40 finding your person after 40 because you've had your trial run right
00:00:11.860your first marriage i don't know what you got it's after 40 it's a deal i mean at that rate
00:00:17.560you are looking to strike a deal love is off the table you've had more than that
00:00:22.820you know what you like what you don't like probably wasn't a trial run at the time let's
00:00:27.600be honest but now that we're out of it trial run i get these messages from people saying put myself
00:00:35.420out there went on a date never again you got to be discerning people you got to be discerning okay
00:00:41.460i'm sorry you have so much choice on dating apps even if it's like less choice what are you
00:00:46.120complaining about you just have to show up because i'm divorced i the first three years after i was
00:00:51.280divorced i did all the things right went to therapy healed myself got in shape started eating
00:00:58.320right all while full-time caring for my two children supporting them with minimal to no0.98
00:01:04.080financial assistance okay she's gonna have an easier time dating because better looking she's1.00
00:01:09.620in shape this is what i mean she's still cute right from their dad she's still above a five0.97
00:01:13.760i would say not by much 5.2 but yeah volunteering at the pta and the girl scouts while working my
00:01:19.540full-time job. And after three years, I felt like, you know, I'm really good. Um, I'm feeling great
00:01:24.640about myself. I have a great life and I don't really need a relationship, which is probably
00:01:28.740the right time for me to start dating. So, um, cause now I feel like I wanted one and not needed
00:01:33.780one. So created a dating profile, got out there, started seeing people, saw a few people a few
00:01:41.420times. Um, nobody was really like blowing my skirt up or anything. Um, well, maybe they did,
00:01:47.400but um nobody was really giving full relationship because um again you have to work a lot harder at
00:01:54.84040 to get a relationship because you're not only competing with younger women better women in
00:01:58.920everyday way um you're competing with men's alone time and their peace and you know if you're dating
00:02:06.040guys your age they might get out of a divorce and like the silence is just so amazing to me
00:02:10.920and i was having a good time so it's fine so then about eight weeks ago like two months something
00:02:15.480like that i met like super incredible guy total total package um great career great attitude great
00:02:26.040dad really happy and funny and just great conversation we had some of the best dates
00:02:31.520i've ever had he was very intentional made me dinner we were future maxing and we were well0.99
00:02:37.480what happened is he's done that with other women if you liked it he's done it with other bitches0.98
00:02:41.580Both really emotionally invested. Like, I don't doubt that for a second until last week when he had kind of like a, let's call it familial drama, um, unrelated to me. However, that has now sent him and he needs some space and just like, isn't sure if he is ready for a relationship, which he had like pretty clearly been giving every possible sign he was.0.99
00:03:06.500so I'm now on the struggle bus I'm hurting um and not really sure where to go with this so I
00:03:13.980decided I would go to the gym and I would do a workout class which is what I do so I'm at the0.94
00:03:17.660gym doing my workout class trying to clear my head and in the middle of the fucking workout class0.86
00:03:22.700comes on a remix totally unnecessary remix of the song fast car by Tracy Chapman I love that and I0.98
00:03:30.260just I burst into fucking tears I just I can't so I'm like laying there doing my chest presses0.93
00:03:35.720crying like a baby tears streaming nose red trying to plate off like it's allergies which0.97
00:03:42.580it clearly wasn't and um realizing i'm actually not okay with this so i don't really know what0.98
00:03:50.200where i'm going but um what the fuck yeah i mean he just found someone better in every way and you0.83
00:03:57.840would leave too if you also did with three i've been divorced now since i mean they can still0.97
00:04:01.460kind of thirst trap a little longer obviously not like they used to but if they stay in good shape
00:04:06.50050s is where it really starts to go they hit menopause for six years and i recently started
00:04:12.660dating in march i joined the dating apps i joined a gym i just got out of my house in hopes that i
00:04:18.180might meet somebody because i want a partner in my life and i haven't done a lot of dating
00:04:23.300throughout my life so these are my observations after a few months so dating reiterates to me
00:04:28.900that everything good is on the other side of hard. And I, I didn't set out to date for a long time
00:04:34.820because I had my youngest. And when you deal with those like emotional setbacks, they can really
00:04:39.560take a while to get over. And I didn't have the emotional capacity to deal with that with a young
00:04:45.080child and going through a divorce, blah, blah, blah. And so now that I do, now that I can take a
00:04:49.700hit, I've started dating. And these are setbacks because these things that you get emotionally
00:04:55.120invested in don't work out and these don't really become friendships because they were like failed
00:05:00.040romantic interests or partnerships and so you don't continue that relationship yeah it is kind
00:05:07.300of weird i think dating it's like not normal to go from talking to someone so much to never
00:05:12.380it's interesting i know people that stay friends with their exes and really never like revisit that
00:05:17.820i think that only works when it's like beta bucks yeah so i don't know it is kind of weird 2026
00:05:23.780and so that hurts whether it was meant to be in your life or not i get emotionally invested i
00:05:28.640don't know about you but like so so then i face a setback but what i've realized after dealing with
00:05:33.760months of these setbacks with um things that didn't work out hopes that got high and the
00:05:40.060dopamine rushes that come along with dating is that even though these things didn't work out
00:05:44.220and i got my feelings hurt sometimes like that refined me like it just reiterates that
00:05:49.740setbacks make you a better version of yourself and so when you deal with these setbacks even
00:05:57.700though i've dated and gotten myself hurt i come out a better version yeah yeah um dating can make
00:06:04.540you a better person but it usually makes you worse and little and hot for the first time in my life
00:06:08.080at 40 years old is literally one of the strangest combinations you can have and here's why generally
00:06:13.360speaking there are three type of men that are hitting on me men around my age black men who
00:06:17.560have young kids and are recently divorced i tried dating one of those it didn't go too well he was
00:06:22.440also unemployed the entire time we were dating so like that was on me then there is the single
00:06:26.920divorcee who is 10 to 20 years older than me who wants to date me and has grown kids not into that
00:06:33.320unless you're jeff goldblum then i'm into that here's the last group of men who are gonna be
00:06:37.960young men really interested in me they're cougar maxing he just 26 to 28. make it make sense yeah
00:06:45.480because they see you as easy right um yeah when i go out with my best friend the only man and she's
00:06:52.360cute she'll do all right for the 40 year old age group i don't want to pretend like none of the0.91
00:06:56.44040 year old age women do okay you know hit on us ages 26 to 28. rarely are they even 29. not the0.91
00:07:03.32030 year olds where the 30 year olds i i don't i no idea i just turned 41 this year yeah but a 260.56
00:07:08.520year with the 20 year olds but the yeah those guys will they'll come up with you they are obsessed
00:07:13.960when i tell them i'm 40 now 41 they don't believe me and i know what the comments are gonna because
00:07:19.000they're being nice i'm sorry but you look 40. there's nothing wrong with looking yeah no they
00:07:25.160i look my age most people look their age girl 40. embrace your age well what do you want me to do
00:07:30.680none of them think i'm 40. they just they don't because they want to smash you can never take
00:07:35.160anything seriously from a guy that wants to smash i'm 40. and i'm i'm sorry i i cannot date a 27
00:07:40.920year old those are the only ones who hit on me or their dads who are 57 years old where where are
00:07:46.940all the men 35 to 45 like that's that is the zone with the 20 to 35 year olds oh yeah sorry you0.98
00:07:55.380reached out you got thin too late in life all right uh this girl's hag maxing um she's not
00:08:00.860gonna have a good time dating yeah i decided to date again but i was going to do it differently0.79
00:08:05.960than i had ever done it before it was terrifying to me the idea of being perceived the idea of that
00:08:11.800perception equaling judgment because judgment women are so spoiled we just have never taken
00:08:17.560an l oh no i'm judged get the out of here has always been what happened to me when i was perceived
00:08:22.840judged for my weight judged for my looks judged for my lack of romantic history my difficulty
00:08:27.160connecting with people and so i was terrified that this time it was going to be the same
00:08:31.960but i decided that i was going to do one thing and one thing only and that was to let myself be
00:08:37.240uncomfortable to let myself sit in how horrible it is to date sometimes and i wasn't going to be
00:08:43.800looking for the one i wasn't going to be looking for my i feel like dating's a vibe you either
00:08:49.320bring the vibes or you don't eternal companion for my partner for a person i was gonna you can't find
00:08:55.800an eternal companion because in your 40s eternity has already gone by you're old you're old you've
00:09:00.680really lived too much life you know what i mean myself in situations where i took opportunities
00:09:06.120and i felt uncomfortable and i would remind my brain that being uncomfortable and unsafe are not
00:09:11.640the same thing because when you have a long history of trauma they feel alike they feel
00:09:16.440similarly what changed for me why was it so much easier this time around to date and really it's
00:09:22.200all of you it's building community with people because now we're getting that validation that0.72
00:09:26.600used to be from family and stuff with the internet so it's gonna be bad a lot of women are gonna
00:09:31.320mental illness in the future understanding that my lack of romantic connection and my singleness
00:09:36.440wasn't a defining factor of my worth or my value and i built that over the few months before i
00:09:41.480started dating i began to see that well if i'm not the only one who has lacked romantic history
00:09:47.400then maybe i'm not the problem maybe it's luck it's timing it's life it's how things play out
00:09:53.400And if I can tell just by the way you're talking that you are, in fact, the problem, that's
00:09:57.380the case, then when I go into situations, I don't need to be desperate.
00:10:01.160I don't need to be upset and worried and thinking that my very first date was me trying