The Surrendered Wife_ Stop Nagging _ Controlling_ Be Feminine
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Summary
When a woman embraces her feminine side, a man automatically snaps into a masculine role. It brings peace and order to your relationship. When a woman can let go and let the man lead, it changes everything. Many discuss how women are behaving manly and men are behaving feminized. This is not a show talking about politics although talking about relationship dynamics can be pretty political these days. A man told me he thought her work could be interpreted as a way to exploit men as a resource.
Transcript
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Hi, this is Lana. Thanks for tuning in. If you want to see the video version of the show,
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you can find it at redice.tv or our members website, redicemembers.com. Or if you prefer
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our YouTube channel. While you're there, don't forget to subscribe. If you're a man,
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turn this interview off right now. This is a show for women on the topic of harnessing femininity
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and channeling it into everyday life to have a better relationship with your man. I've done
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several shows on femininity lately. Not feminism, but trying to get to the feminine attributes that
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make a woman a woman. When a woman embraces her feminine side, a man automatically snaps into a
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masculine role. It brings peace and order to your relationship. When a woman can let go and let the
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man lead, it changes everything. Many discuss how women are behaving manly and men are behaving
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feminized. Getting married and having a family is a huge aspect to change that dynamic. But a woman
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can be married, have kids, but still be controlling, naggy, and pushy. These are not feminine traits.
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These are relationship killers. And other women go to work and take on masculine traits. Then they come
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home to their family and don't know how to switch it off, which creates other problems at home.
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This show provides some insight into practical, everyday things a woman can be conscious of
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to reignite true femininity, which will bring her ease and fulfillment.
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Just like men need their guy talk, women need that too. It's always been that way and it's
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perfectly healthy. My guest is well known in the mainstream, Laura Doyle. She's the author of
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The Surrendered Wife, The Surrendered Single, and The Empowered Wife. Her books have been translated
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into 16 languages. This is not a show talking about politics, although talking about relationship
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dynamics can be pretty political these days. A man told me he thought her work could be interpreted
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as a way to exploit men as a resource. Being feminine only is a manipulative tool to get what
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she wants. There are some women who try that and some men fall for it, but manipulation is not the
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true essence or attribute of femininity. A feminine woman is vulnerable, honest, and inspirational.
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It's not an act, it's something inherent in her makeup. A feminine woman wants harmony and peace
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in her relationships, not battle. And it does take some work to refine it. It takes work for all of us
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to refine who we are. Laura Doyle, welcome to the program. Thanks for being here.
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Well, you know, marriage today versus ancient times, I mean, it's quite different. Then comes
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feminism and women took on more of a masculine role to work and keep up with the boys. And I find
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that many women have become unfulfilled and unhappy because they've really forgotten their natural
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feminine state. And in fact, I think that they've forgotten what it is. And you, like many others,
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used to think that men and women are just the same, right? You unknowingly operated in your masculine
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side. You basically obscured your feminine self. So did you find it exhausting? And how did you come
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I did find it exhausting. I felt like a round peg trying to fit into a square hole. And even though I
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imagined I was just a smaller, less hairy man that I knew how to be a man, it didn't turn out to be true.
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I did find it very tiring. And it wasn't until I discovered what my feminine gifts are and how to
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click into them, how to be in alignment with them, that things started to feel easy. I developed a sense
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of ease and actually became much more accomplished than I had been when I'd been trying to operate from
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the masculine. So it was a big eye opener for me. And one of my first reactions was, why didn't my mom
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and my grandmothers tell me about this? Exactly. But I don't think they knew either. I think that
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was also mysterious for them. So now I'm just grateful that I know what they are and I know
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how to click into them. Well, I agree with what you say when women really are the key to improving
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marriages. So let's discuss that a little bit. Why do you say that? Yeah. Women are the keepers of
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the relationship. And that's partly, there's a lot of reasons, but one is that we are the sexier sex.
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So we're the ones with the tail feathers and the more, so we're the more attractive gender. And
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this, I mean, you see demonstrations of this everywhere in the world, right? There'll be
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ladies night at the club or the bar because the, the proprietor knows if he fills that room with women,
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the men will happily pay to come in. And not so if he did it the other way, right? You don't usually
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see gentlemen's night at the club. So, um, there's lots of, uh, evidence for the fact that we are
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the sexier sex and men therefore pursue us. We have this natural magnetism that is one of our feminine
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gifts actually, uh, for men and they are wonderful, reliable, 24 seven noticing service of us. So unless
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we're obscuring our magnetism, which we can do by, um, being controlling or disrespectful,
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or I'm just kind of taking, um, taking our attention and really keeping it to ourselves
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is another way. Like you can walk down the street with kind of an openness, maybe smiling and, um,
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being willing to make eye contact and things like that. Or you can walk down the street with kind of
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this no vacancy sign and your head down and no one will, um, notice you or connect with you, um,
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because you've kind of got your magnetism turned off, but the rest of the time it's always operating.
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That's right. And you made a massive transformation in your marriage of nearly 30 years. You basically
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decided to one day stop telling him what to do and how to do it. And then what happened?
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Yeah. Well, that wasn't working for me at all. I mean, you know, it came out of my desperation
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because, um, well, I've been super happy when we first got married. I thought he was so handsome
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and smart and talented and funny. A few years in, I thought I'd made a gigantic mistake and married
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the wrong man because he wasn't interested in spending any time with me. I mean, he was more
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interested in watching reruns on TV than he wasn't even making love to me. So I thought, well,
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something's definitely wrong with him. And I dragged him to a counselor so she could fix him.
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So I could finally be happy. And instead she pointed out that I was controlling. And, um,
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that was news to me. It's like being a fish in the ocean. I was the last to notice that I was
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all wet. And, um, but when I realized that I said, Oh, you're right. I am controlling.
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What do I do about this? And she said, well, just stop being so controlling. And, um, that was no
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help for me at all. So, uh, in fact, that's the point where I felt the most hopeless about our
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relationship. And I really thought that divorce was going to be my best option, either that or
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spending the rest of my life in a loveless relationship. But instead, I started asking
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women who had had, um, happy relationships for what seemed like an eternity, which was 15 years
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for their secrets. And what they said didn't even make sense to me, but I decided to start
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experimenting with everything that they said. And that's when I got my miracle. That's when the man
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who wooed me came back. I remember I came through the door one night and his face lit up to see me
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and that had been gone for a long time. So I thought, wow, this is working.
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Yeah, exactly. That's one of your points. I think you have, uh, one of your skills that you
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try and teach women relinquish control, right? It's based in fear. Stop obsessing about what
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he's thinking and what he's doing and feeling and really just focus on your own actions. And you
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listed 10 ways where women, you know, tend to control their husbands. I think it's kind of funny how
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making constant helpful suggestions or speaking on his behalf, making decisions for him,
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making demands and criticizing that. That's another one that, uh, men, they're going to be
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turned off by that. And you also bring up the concept of, uh, emasculating men in our lives
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through, through doing this, right? You brought up, uh, there was an analogy in Breaking Bad,
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which I thought was funny when she was getting on him because he spent $37 on the credit card.
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They don't use that credit card anymore, right? Yeah. I'm not proud to say that I've tried every one
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of those 10 ways to control your husband and none of them work, but they all did
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cause wall to wall hostility or else cold wars in my relationship. So I don't recommend them.
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And now that I have a world famous system for how to relinquish inappropriate control,
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it's just amazing, um, how much initiative my husband takes. Um, now how he seems so masculine
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to me and so much more attractive than he did when I was trying to tell him what to do and how to do
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everything. Like, you know, are you going to wear that to the party or don't you think we should take
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the freeway? So it was a long journey though, of trying on, like, I remember at first thinking,
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well, maybe if I just ask questions, how can I possibly be, be controlling if I'm just asking
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him a question? It's so innocent. And of course, um, they weren't innocent at all. They were,
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they were questions that only had one right answer to do things the way I wanted him to do.
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That's funny. Yeah. As a woman, I think that, you know, if you're in touch with your feminine side,
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yeah, exactly. You have to let go and just kind of let a guy be a guy and kind of just flow with it,
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flow with what he does. And if he makes a wrong decision, well, then he can deal with the fallout,
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as you say, right? Yeah. I let my husband exercise his right to be wrong now as much as he, as much as
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he wants pretty much because, um, he's just a mere mortal man and I'm not perfect either. And it's
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actually such a relief. I do see him as just so much more, um, yeah, he's so much more attractive
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now that I'm not telling him what to do. Um, and of course he does make mistakes sometimes,
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but actually he's been much more successful. And this is something that we see a lot with husbands
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where the wife gets the six intimacy skills and starts using them. So my husband, um, had jobs that
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he hated and, um, he didn't do all that well in them either, if I'm totally honest. And then, um,
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when I first started, um, using these skills and relinquishing control, one of the things I would
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say to him was he'd always been a good provider. And just for fun, I also started calling him Mr.
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Moneybag. And around that time he started his own business and it's been enormously successful.
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He's had it for, um, gosh, probably about 16 years now. And he does very well. In fact,
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he does all the video for me too. So, um, and we use a lot of video in my business.
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So it's been remarkable to see all that he could accomplish once I stopped making his resume for
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him and telling him which jobs he should apply for. Yeah, exactly. Now you always talk about the
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concept of the surrendered wife, which to some, you know, they think, Oh, you're talking about,
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you know, being a doormat or not having desires of your own or just staying in the kitchen. So
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how about you clarify that? I don't think that, but I know. Right. I think a lot of people hear
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surrendered wife and they think, Oh, obedient wife or subservient wife. And it's not like that
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at all. Surrendering is just something we all have to do. If you're stuck in traffic, you might wish
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that the traffic would move, but you can't make it move, but you could use the time to talk on the
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phone or listen to music that you love or an audio book. And that's surrendering. It's like being
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grateful that you have the opportunity as they come things that you can, that you can't control
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anyway. So a surrendered wife just knows that she can't control anyone besides herself. So she
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doesn't try. She doesn't tell her husband what to eat for lunch or what to do at work or anything
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like that. Instead, she focuses on her own happiness and that in turn really improves the intimacy.
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Yeah. The best marriages, and you agree with this in your book, are the ones that know how to balance
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the masculine feminine dynamic in a relationship. And I think modernity has kind of made this out
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of sync and a little confusing for some couples, you know, where does the woman fit? Where does the
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man fit? And your book I think is excellent because it reminds women of their feminine gifts, which a
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lot of women have forgotten about. And this does wonders for our marriage. I think that you've
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captured the essence of femininity in a healthy male-female relationship and actually how it manifests in
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everyday relationships with the masculine. Because when you say feminine, it's kind of an
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ethereal concept, but you've been able to kind of put that into words and say, oh, this is how it
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would manifest in a relationship. So let's get into what these feminine assets are and how we can
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benefit from them. I know you've talked about the big advantages to being a woman that have been
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downplayed over the last 50 years. That's right. Well, we already touched on one of them, which is
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magnetism, our feminine magnetism. But another big one that I find that women are unfamiliar with
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is our ability to express desires in a way that inspires, like the power of feminine desire and
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just how formidable it is. Because I'll just give you some examples of them. Like if we can just
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say what we want, just a final outcome without any control or criticism or manipulation, it really taps
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into our husband's hero gene. It ignites his hero gene because all husbands just want to make their wives
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happy. And whenever they see the opportunity, they jump at it. So I'll give you an example. Early on
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in my relationship, I used to just complain because I didn't know about expressing my desires.
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And my husband would just hear the complaining and he wouldn't know what to do for me.
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So I would say, John, this kitchen is a disaster. And he would just hear, John, blah, blah, blah, blah.
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Right. Couldn't really even hear me. And so when finally I figured out that I could just say,
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um, you know, I would love to have a clean kitchen. And he heard that and he's like, okay,
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I'll clean it. And that was a long time ago. That was like over 16 years ago. And he's been doing the
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dishes ever since. I don't even do the dishes at my house anymore. So it's been pretty remarkable to
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see that. Um, I also have kind of an embarrassing, sad story about not understanding how to express my
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desires. Even before we were married, my husband took me on a romantic getaway to Hawaii. And I was
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so excited on the first day because I thought, oh, we are going to go to the beach and I love going to
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the beach. It's going to be really fun. And instead of saying that I wanted to go to the beach, I asked
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him what he wanted to do that day. And he said, I think it'd be fun to go see a volcano. I was like,
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a volcano, huh? Okay. But we were newly boyfriend and girlfriend, and I didn't want to cause any
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conflict. So I didn't want to say what I wanted because it was different than what he said. And
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I just wanted to be close. So I just, we got in the car and we were starting to go see a volcano,
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but you don't see a volcano for a long time. All you see are the rocks on the side of the road. And
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I remember I just started fuming and just kind of getting upset that we weren't at the beach,
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even though I hadn't said anything. And so he asked me what was wrong. And that's when I just
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let him have it. I was like, did you think this would be fun? Because I don't think this is funny.
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You didn't even ask me what I wanted to do. And I wanted to go to the beach, but you didn't even
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do it. I think I was even more shrill than that, sadly. And I just feel so sad for that earlier
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version of me that had no idea how to say what she wanted. And if you can't say what you want,
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of course, you're never going to get what you want. But even after I behaved so badly,
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you know what? He took me to the beach. He just wanted me to be happy.
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Yeah. Or he probably just wanted to shut you up.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah. It wasn't the kind of volcano he imagined, I don't think.
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That's funny. Yeah, you mentioned magnetism. And then we had emotional brilliance,
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receptivity, pleasure, as you were discussing, desire, expressing your desire, and being vulnerable
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and tender. Why is that important for a woman in a relationship?
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Yeah. Well, we are the ones with the emotional brilliance. In fact, I'm glad you're sitting
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down for this. I'll tell you, there was a study done at the University of Toronto where they
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discovered that women are more emotional than men. I know. It's like research money well spent,
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right? And so the emotional brilliance we have is the ability to know how we're feeling and to
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express it. And men rely on us for this. So our vulnerability in particular is completely necessary
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for creating the fascination that leads to lasting commitment. So when we show up vulnerable,
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that also triggers their hero gene. That's something where they see they can make
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a contribution to our lives. It's just like in the car song, they need someone to please.
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And so we are allowing them to please us when we show up vulnerably like that. So we have a whole
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series of, I call them cheat praises to drop into your vulnerability, like to use the language of
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vulnerability, I guess I would say. For instance, instead of like, I used to get mad at my husband
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and just kind of stand there with my hands on my hips, like, how come you never spend any time with
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me anymore? And that was never very effective. But now I would just say, hey, how are you?
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I miss you. I miss you would be the vulnerable cheat phrase. Or sometimes when we're having a
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conversation, even though my marriage is great now. It's not like it was. But even so, sometimes
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he still hurts my feelings. It's just part of what happens when you live so close together.
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Just like when kids play together, right? They bruise each other. They don't mean to.
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But he'll hurt my feelings. And if I can just come back tenderly from that, instead of like,
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maybe throw in something hurtful his way, which was kind of my old way, then I get a totally different
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response. So my cheat phrase for that is just the one word, ouch. Just ouch and nothing else. It's
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really very much about me. I'm not saying he did anything wrong. I'm just really, I call it staying,
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staying on my own side of the street. And a lot of times it's amazing. I'll get an apology.
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Whereas if I would have said, hey, you hurt my feelings, it could get into kind of a debate or
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an argument or at least a discussion. And that was just never as fulfilling as having him respond
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with so much tenderness in return. Now, a lot of times too, vulnerability is confused with weakness,
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isn't it? It really is. And they're not the same at all. It actually takes tremendous courage
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to be vulnerable. So I think of that as the opposite of weakness. Weakness is when you are
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fearful and defensive. And that's exactly what my control was all about. I think a lot of people
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don't realize, as I didn't, that all control is based in fear. If you're not afraid, you don't have
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to try to control which way he drives or what he says to the plumber or anything else. And so it's
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always interesting whenever I'm tempted to control to just ask myself, like, what am I afraid of
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right in this moment? And is that fear realistic? I remember I had one woman who said, well,
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I can't relinquish control of his driving because it's really terrible. It's so dangerous the way he
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drives. And I said, oh, okay, that sounds pretty serious. And I said, um, how many accidents has he
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been in? And she said, well, he hasn't been in any accidents. And so it turned out that fear wasn't
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super realistic. And that's been true with me too. But it's just been great to know that, you know,
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control is here and intimacy is here. And if I want to have the intimacy, I got to let go of the
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control. And if I want to have the control, I can, but the intimacy is going to go.
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Control also seems more of a masculine trait. So we almost kind of embrace a masculine side of
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ourselves while doing it. So it can feel tiring and unnatural to us. Whereas it feels really good
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when you just actually let that go and just kind of let the man take care of it. Right?
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Yeah, it really does. And I think one of the things that I didn't know about that was kind of,
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um, the reason I felt like I had to control, first of all, I didn't know how to express my desires.
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So you got to know something to get what you want. So controls control manipulation. That's one way,
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if you don't know about your desires. Um, but the other big problem I had is that I felt uncomfortable
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receiving so much of the time that I was really blocking my husband from giving me all the
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wonderful things he wanted to give me. So for example, like he might say, Oh, your hair looks
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beautiful. And I'd be like, no, don't look at it. And I haven't washed it. And so would not allow that
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those kind words to land, or he would, um, I just remember this embarrassing story of, um, when we moved
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to our first apartment, I carried this really heavy box of dishes up the stairs. Um, and I was
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all proud of myself that I did it myself. And I mean, he just, he would have been so happy to do
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that for me. And, um, but it was just like this, a feeling like I had to carry my own weight. I had
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to be independent. I was raised to be independent. And now I don't value that as much. I I'd really much
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rather be interdependent and have the nice connection and passion and playfulness that comes
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with letting him, um, add, add to my life, letting him contribute to my life.
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That's right. Receive. You read about that as an important skill, that receptivity is the
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essence of femininity. You say the more you're willing to receive gifts, compliments, and help
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from your husband, the more feminine and attractive you'll be to him and the more special treatment
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you'll get. And I find that a lot of women, they feel guilty about receiving for some reason.
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Yeah. I mean, I think it's, I mean, I do think it has a lot to do with my upbringing,
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this whole, uh, you don't need a man and, um, you've got to get your education and your
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career. And that was the priority. So, and, and I think that some of the things that we
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do at work, it's a little different. You do have to manage your staff and your projects
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at work. And of course, husbands and boyfriends don't like to be managed. So if you don't change
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your hat, when you leave one environment and go to the next, um, you're going to run into
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problems, it's a different skillset to be successful at work than it is to, um, be
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successful at home at work. I just want to improve the bottom line or get my projects
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done. And at home, I just want to hold hands and have them tell me I'm beautiful and make
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better minds at me. So those are totally different goals. So of course they are going to require
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different skills. One of my, um, receiving idols or role models, I guess is Kat Dealey.
00:22:31.220
She's the host of the show. So you think you can dance? And I just love, she comes
00:22:35.360
out looking so beautiful, of course, every week. And one week she came out and the judges
00:22:39.480
said to her, Oh Kat, you look so beautiful. And she just smiled and paused and said, thank
00:22:46.880
you. She's just glowing. You could tell she was taking it in. And then the judges said,
00:22:51.560
and by the way, Kat, congratulations on your Emmy nomination. And she did it again. She
00:22:57.040
just, thank you and smiled and took it in. And you know, those judges had also been nominated
00:23:04.740
for an Emmy. So she could have easily diverted the white hot spotlight from herself by saying,
00:23:10.260
Oh, and congratulations to you on your Emmy. But she didn't, she just took it. And I think
00:23:16.640
that confidence and her beautiful receptivity is a big part of her, why she's so successful
00:23:22.900
Also makes you appear more ladylike for sure. More classy, more dignified when you can just
00:23:30.420
It's absolutely true. Right. It's not very attractive. If you, um, get a compliment on
00:23:36.400
your shoes and you say, Oh, these old things, right. Or I got them on sale.
00:23:48.460
Well, you brought up an interesting thing. And this is a dilemma, I think, for a lot of
00:23:51.660
women in modern day, there's a lot of women that have to work. So they go to work, you
00:23:55.080
know, 40 hours a week, they put on a suit, you know, they're, they're asking, they're acting
00:23:59.380
essentially quite masculine. And then they come home and they have to take that off and they
00:24:03.360
have to behave feminine for maybe their, their children, their husband, the home. How do you
00:24:08.460
make that transition? Because it's so difficult for so many women. And I think it's causing
00:24:15.580
Yeah, I agree completely. In fact, um, before we met, my husband dated a woman who was a third
00:24:20.960
grade teacher. And one of the reasons he broke up with her is because she used to say to him,
00:24:25.820
go sit down, put that away. Like she's still talking to an eight year old, you know? So he
00:24:30.640
didn't find that very attractive. Um, but I think one of the keys here is the first intimacy
00:24:36.820
skill, which is really about making yourself ridiculously happy, which also restores that
00:24:41.820
magnetism by the way. So this is where, um, I like to practice doing at least three frivolous
00:24:49.340
things a day, just for my own pleasure, just for my own delight and happiness. So one of
00:24:55.180
mine, I love to play volleyball. So I play every chance I get. And, um, it's, so it's not really
00:25:00.920
about getting eight hours of sleep or five fruits and vegetables or reducing greenhouse gas emissions
00:25:05.420
or any of that. It's just like maybe lunch with a friend or a bubble bath or singing at the top of
00:25:11.280
your lungs in the car or, um, playing with your dog or playing the guitar. It's whatever brings
00:25:17.520
you joy. And it's interesting. A lot of times when I ask women to make a list of things that bring
00:25:23.960
them joy, they get really stuck, especially if they've been really focused on their work and the
00:25:30.420
housework and their kids and maybe their husband, they've kind of lost sight of the things that
00:25:35.860
just delight them. And since that's a big part of our feminine gift, right? We have the only organ
00:25:42.900
on the human body that's designed strictly for our pleasure. That's its only purpose. And I mean,
00:25:49.840
that's, it has to do with sex, but I think it's a bigger metaphor. I think it means more than just
00:25:55.120
physical pleasure. And so it means a physical, or I'm sorry, it means that feminine pleasure is
00:26:00.420
pretty important. And so it's a great thing to pay attention to if you want to improve your
00:26:05.080
relationship and of course your whole life. That's right. We do need some beauty. We do need
00:26:09.420
some pleasure in our life. I think the constant grind is one thing that can really make a woman unhappy
00:26:14.800
and boring and cranky. The other thing that you bring up, which is good too, is a woman has to find
00:26:20.600
some kind of pleasure outside of her husband. So she's not fully dependent on him all the time,
00:26:25.180
which can be kind of needy. And then if she doesn't get what she wants, she can get kind of
00:26:29.100
moody or desperate. And then it starts this bad cycle. I think guys find a woman more sexy when
00:26:34.700
she's, she's happy and she's fulfilled and she's enjoying herself, right? Absolutely. I was just
00:26:41.720
talking to a woman this morning who has been practicing the intimacy skills for several years now.
00:26:47.340
And the dynamic in her marriage was she felt very needy and couldn't understand why her husband
00:26:51.960
didn't want to pay more attention to her. And so she's been using these skills for years now.
00:26:57.080
And she's like, you know, he calls me from work all the time now and he wants to talk and I feel
00:27:01.420
like I'm kind of busy. And so she's like, just today I realized like, oh, I better make some time
00:27:05.480
for him too. He's important too. So that dynamic has completely shifted. And when you think about
00:27:11.360
neediness, what it is, is it's an underlying complaint, right? There's a kind of a criticism there.
00:27:16.360
Like you don't give me enough. You're not spending enough time with me. And whether it's a friend or
00:27:22.280
your spouse that's doing it, it's just never very attractive. But when you are doing your happy
00:27:28.120
dance, I remember one woman, um, was saying that she just was filled up. She had done so much self
00:27:33.780
care that day. And so she went into her husband's office just briefly and just did her happy dance.
00:27:39.580
And then she left and he followed her right out of the office and then brought her into the bedroom
00:27:44.940
and they made love. So it really makes, we're never hotter than when we're laughing, smiling,
00:27:50.180
singing, dancing, because we've just have made ourselves feel good.
00:27:54.000
That's right. And I think ultimately when you take care of yourself and take that time,
00:27:57.760
carve that time out for yourself, it makes you a better wife and a better mother. You have to be
00:28:02.080
able to fill up and, uh, fill yourself up with something. If you're just giving all the time,
00:28:06.700
you have to recharge in a way, right? That's right. And I know for me, a lot of times,
00:28:12.360
um, when I was trying to fix my marriage before I learned what I know now about the six intimacy
00:28:16.740
skills, you would see advice, right? Self care and love yourself or whatever. And I just never knew
00:28:22.840
how to do it. I was like, should I, should I hug myself? You know, that would that be self love?
00:28:27.040
I don't know. So for me, it was just really great to make it very practical and specific.
00:28:31.780
And so I just still love to this day that I just check off like my three things that I did just
00:28:37.400
for me every single day. And that's really helped me bring the focus to taking responsibility for my
00:28:43.380
own happiness, because I really kind of got off track thinking that it was my husband's job to
00:28:48.640
make me happy. It's embarrassing to say now, like, where did I get that idea? But, um, I did think that,
00:28:54.020
and I thought that he wasn't making me happy. And that meant that I'd met married the wrong guy.
00:28:59.240
And so it's been quite the eye opener and revelation to realize like, Oh, only happy
00:29:06.140
people have happy relationships. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. Sounds obvious when I say it.
00:29:13.480
I was confused. What can I say? Yeah, that's right. We all have to learn as we go. Right. As you said,
00:29:18.800
no one, no one teaches us these things when we get married. No one teaches us about these dynamics,
00:29:23.580
which are very important. So it's good that you're doing this. You also wrote a funny line about how
00:29:27.960
women have become nagging and belittling and cranky towards their men. Where do you think
00:29:33.080
this happened on a big scale? Because that's one of the biggest complaints guys have in their
00:29:36.640
marriages is the nag, right? So where did that woman come from?
00:29:42.380
It's interesting. There was an article in the Wall Street Journal about how
00:29:45.780
nagging and controlling cause more divorce than affairs do. It's like, Oh, I don't need somebody
00:29:51.400
outside the marriage to like try to seduce my husband or something. I was like wrecking it myself.
00:29:55.820
I was doing it all single handedly. And, um, as far as where it came from, I mean, I know for me,
00:30:02.900
I was following, um, kind of the, we only ever get the modeling that we see in our own homes
00:30:08.140
for the most part. So if your parents had a terrific relationship, if you're in that,
00:30:12.900
whatever it is, like 10% of the population, I would guess that had that wonderful modeling,
00:30:18.260
then more power to you. But in my case, my parents are divorced. I was following a failed recipe
00:30:23.860
and I did see my mom, um, unfortunately, you know, try to control my dad. I remember she
00:30:29.480
one time, um, invited people out to the house to talk to him about how he could, um, change into a
00:30:35.860
different career. Like she just decided he needed a better one and she was gonna like take the action
00:30:40.900
to make that happen. She was a stay-at-home mom. So I look back now and just kind of realized like no
00:30:46.680
one taught my mother the intimacy skills either. So we just live in such a wonderful,
00:30:52.000
um, opportune time to have the most intimate, connected, playful, passionate relationships
00:30:58.360
because, um, you know, we have, uh, at least in a lot of parts of the world, um, in my, in my country,
00:31:03.860
certainly a sustained period of peace and prosperity. And, um, so it's just a wonderful thing
00:31:09.620
that we have the opportunity and now the way to disperse this information through books and the
00:31:14.940
internet. So I'm just really grateful that the information is available and it's so simple.
00:31:20.080
You know, any woman can follow it. It's just sort of like, um, learning a musical instrument,
00:31:24.480
right? I mean, you would never sit down to the piano and say, wow, I really hope I'm good at this,
00:31:28.800
you know, and just start playing. You would expect to have to study a little bit and, and, uh, become good
00:31:34.520
at it. And it's just the same with learning to love and be loved in return. It just takes a little
00:31:40.000
bit of training. That's right. You know, one of the other questions we always hear too, is women
00:31:46.280
will say, and I know they say this too, Oh, I'm starting to feel like his mom or a maid or just
00:31:51.160
a friend. What do you say to those women? And is it because they're not operating more, uh, on their
00:31:55.500
feminine side? So they're kind of getting stuck in these mama and maid roles. Yeah. And that, and
00:32:00.840
right. Like even a stay at home mom or like that third grade teacher I was mentioning, it can be
00:32:04.760
really tempting. And sometimes, uh, our feminine perspective, right? We, it's just so very different
00:32:11.220
than the masculine perspective. I remember one time, uh, I was at the beach playing volleyball,
00:32:17.400
a code volleyball. And so, and one of the guys had brought his son and he was only eight. And,
00:32:22.900
uh, he said to the son, Hey, you want to race down to the water? And the kid was like, yeah. And he goes,
00:32:28.240
okay, let's do it. And he goes on your marks, get set, go. And when he said go, he shoved little
00:32:34.620
boy into the sand and then took off running. And the other woman and I were so horrified. We were
00:32:40.760
like, Oh my gosh, who would do that to a sweet little eight year old boy. Right. But the, the
00:32:46.440
little boy was laughing. The other man was laughing and the father was laughing too. And they just all
00:32:50.840
thought it was just the greatest game. It was just such a great illustration of how men and women are
00:32:56.080
different, right? Only men can teach little boys how to be fathers. I mean, only fathers can teach
00:33:01.420
little boys how to be men. And, um, you know, a woman really can't do that. So a lot of times I
00:33:06.880
think that we are chiming in kind of offering a feminine perspective. Like we think it should be
00:33:13.620
this way or, you know, I, I thought that was too harsh. And, um, and that's such a common complaint.
00:33:19.100
Sometimes I get together with women and we feel like we've all married the same man because,
00:33:23.060
you know, he's too harsh on the kids and he doesn't finish projects soon enough or whatever.
00:33:27.340
Right. So there's a lot of, uh, universal, there's a lot of commonality. It's been kind
00:33:32.040
of get emails from women in Egypt. They say, we thought only Egyptian men were like this.
00:33:37.300
Right. But no, it turns out, you know, they have the same things in Japan and, and Egypt
00:33:41.640
and Sweden and the United States. And, um, men are, um, men see the world very differently.
00:33:47.180
And thank goodness. Cause I'm the only person around here that runs around like being upset
00:33:52.280
at my mother and, um, you know, crying at commercials and things like that. So, and I'm
00:33:57.460
kind of glad that it's, you know, he's, he's more of a steady Eddie and I appreciate that.
00:34:01.760
Steady Eddie. I like that. The other thing is being feminine is it's not just about housework
00:34:06.440
or changing diapers. It's all these other facets that you've been talking about just because you
00:34:11.000
clean the house that doesn't make you a feminine woman. Right.
00:34:14.700
Oh, not at all. In fact, that has nothing to do with it. In fact, I don't do very much housework
00:34:20.000
at all. So that was the requirement for being feminine. I guess I wouldn't be very feminine.
00:34:26.100
So for me, the essence of femininity is this receptivity. And so, um, and so one of my desires
00:34:32.780
early on, uh, in the, in the process of learning the intimacy skills was to have a house cleaner,
00:34:40.480
have house cleaners come in. And this seemed super impractical at the time because we weren't
00:34:45.880
making that much money and we had a lot of debt and I just didn't think it was reasonable at all,
00:34:51.060
but I expressed that desire. And I just felt like the richest woman in the world when we had someone
00:34:57.100
come in and dust the bookshelves and change the sheets. And it was just amazing how much romance
00:35:01.740
there was in that house too. So, uh, and, and to this day, I still have housekeepers come in and my
00:35:06.420
husband does the dishes. And so, um, I don't spend a lot of time doing housework. So that's,
00:35:11.100
that has nothing to do with it. I think that's kind of mixing up traditional, um, gender, uh,
00:35:17.780
chores with, um, what femininity really is, which is about, um, being willing to, uh, let your man
00:35:25.320
contribute, to take care of you, to cherish you. I had a conversation with a woman recently who was
00:35:31.320
saying, well, my marriage is a lot better now that I have the intimacy skills. We've really eliminated
00:35:35.600
the fighting, but she said, I really want to take it over the top. I want him to buy me flowers,
00:35:41.100
for no reason or a little presence. And as we talked about it some more, she mentioned that
00:35:47.160
she had kind of trained him not to spend too much money on things like that. So on the one hand,
00:35:52.160
she wanted him to cherish her, but on the other hand, she tied his hands and taught him not to
00:35:56.940
spend money, almost like saying, you know, I'm not really worth it. So, um, for me, what's been
00:36:03.740
wonderful is the self-confidence and the inner strength I've gained from using those receiving
00:36:08.980
muscles. Even if I feel uncomfortable, just letting, um, my husband or even a friend, like,
00:36:14.440
buy me a cup of coffee or pay for lunch or something like that. Uh, it's just a wonderful
00:36:18.720
gift to be able to receive the things that, uh, other people want to give me to delight me.
00:36:24.420
You wrote a line I'm going to read. It says, if your husband lets you call all the shots just to
00:36:28.660
keep the peace, he won't seem very masculine to you. Quite the opposite. So that means that women,
00:36:34.440
that's what they want, right? They actually want a very masculine man who calls the shots, right?
00:36:39.900
It's so much more attractive. I remember my husband, um, calling me recently and he was at a
00:36:46.800
job. He works a lot with lawyers. His video company serves lawyers. And so he was, um, on the way home,
00:36:52.700
he was telling me, he goes, yeah, they were really disorganized. So he goes, I went up to the
00:36:56.520
lead lawyer and I just said, let's get all these knuckleheads out of here. And he was referring to
00:37:01.340
other lawyers and then I'll do this shot. And then we can do these other shots later.
00:37:06.020
And the lawyer was like, okay. And he turns, he goes, Hey, Hey, all you knuckleheads get out of
00:37:09.800
here and we're going to do this other shot. Right? So he just totally copied what my husband said.
00:37:14.400
And then, um, I was like, wow, cool. You know, my husband's calling his, his lawyer clients knuckleheads
00:37:19.640
and they're, they're enjoying it. And then he goes, so I'm going to come home and you're going to pour
00:37:24.580
me a beer. And I was like, okay, I totally did pour him a beer. It was just kind of, it was sexy, right?
00:37:30.600
He's like, all right, the guy that's running these shows. And so it was appealing. I think we all want
00:37:37.300
that. Yeah. I think a man totally changes when he's not emasculated. When you encourage his
00:37:42.200
masculinity, he, you see him bloom and rise to the occasion in a different way. And you have to give
00:37:48.040
them permission to let them be that and let that unfold, if you will. That's so true, Lana. I remember
00:37:54.920
we had this whole joke where in the old days I would say, um, I'm not controlling, am I? And my
00:38:00.820
husband would go, ma'am, no ma'am, you know, cause I trained to act like everything's fine. But sadly,
00:38:09.080
you know, he wouldn't have had those, that kind of confidence in the world because the woman who knew
00:38:14.040
him best was constantly sending this message of undermining, like, um, you sure you know what
00:38:20.640
you're doing. Uh, I do really, you know, you really have this under control. Are you going to
00:38:25.120
be able to handle it? I don't think you are was my message. And so I know that that, um, hurt his
00:38:30.340
self-worth, which frankly hurt our net worth. We are a lot more prosperous. And this is something we
00:38:36.160
see the husbands get raises and promotions and bonuses and win the sales contest. And one guy took
00:38:42.740
his wife on the most romantic trip of their lives after he won the sales contest at work.
00:38:46.560
So, um, we see that the respect that he's getting at home really helps him be more capable in the
00:38:54.540
world. That is right. Absolutely. I agree with that. You said also that getting married was the
00:39:00.120
best self-improvement project you've ever undertaken. And I agree with that same with me,
00:39:05.220
but can you expand on that? I'm just so grateful that I gave myself a situation where I felt like I
00:39:11.140
didn't have any escape because I really did not know that I was the one causing all the damage in
00:39:17.520
my marriage. I really thought it was entirely him. I was working super hard on the relationship and he
00:39:23.140
was just watching TV from my standpoint. And of course I, it turns out I was completely wrong about
00:39:28.960
everything. And because I was too embarrassed to get divorced, I had to keep looking. I had to keep
00:39:34.960
searching for something. And that desperation made me open when I remember one woman said to me,
00:39:41.920
um, that her secret was that she tried never to criticize her husband, no matter how much it
00:39:48.020
seemed like he deserved it. And I remember I said to her, huh, have you got anything else? It just
00:39:54.300
didn't even make sense to me at the time. And my desperation is what made me willing to experiment
00:39:59.920
with it. I made my own marriage a laboratory. I just tried everything. And if it worked, I kept it.
00:40:04.820
And if it didn't, I threw it out. But I just know that if I hadn't been in so much pain, I don't,
00:40:09.840
I don't think I'd ever been willing to find the humility to really look at myself the way I have
00:40:16.620
now in the mirror, in my husband mirror and see, um, all the unfortunate nastiness that I was bringing
00:40:24.960
to the relationship. It feels so much better to be, to be dignified and to feel soft and to not hear
00:40:31.340
that shrill voice coming out of me. I didn't even like around it myself. So I'm incredibly
00:40:36.820
grateful for the confidence. And, uh, Oh, also, you know, the other big thing that was lurking
00:40:43.980
underneath that control, my urge to control him was actually a big distraction from my own life.
00:40:50.040
And you know, it emerged when I stopped controlling my own husband, I was called to write books and I
00:40:54.700
got a New York times bestseller and it was controversial and some people hated it. And
00:40:59.060
I got hate mail. That's amazing. Yeah. And I got to go on national TV and I'd never been,
00:41:04.420
and that was terrifying. And then people asked me to speak in front of live audiences and I'd never
00:41:09.980
done that either. And that was terrifying too. And just recently I got my own TV series on Amazon
00:41:15.820
and that was scary too. So really relinquishing control was the, in my marriage was just like
00:41:22.320
practice for doing it in the, in the rest of my life where my life emerged. My life was waiting for
00:41:28.380
me when I stopped wasting my energy, trying to control someone I couldn't control.
00:41:33.520
It's amazing that you're receiving hate mail for, for what? What were they saying?
00:41:38.100
Oh, well, my first book is called The Surrendered White.
00:41:40.800
A lot of people took it the wrong way. I thought that I was setting feminism back. I want women to
00:41:46.860
have all the opportunity and their voice in the world to express themselves and to be fully self
00:41:53.920
expressed. And that's what I feel like knowing about your feminine gifts really does. It's, I've
00:41:59.740
gotten, I've been so much more productive and accomplished since I learned about them and I rely on
00:42:05.340
them. And I just find that I can create things with a sense of ease where I used to feel
00:42:10.660
really hard in the past. So like, you know, like just you sharing this platform with me, right? This
00:42:16.860
came to me through no energy of my own. And I, I'm always grateful for the opportunity to get my
00:42:23.280
message across because now I'm on a mission to end world divorce by making sure that every woman who
00:42:29.240
wants to know about these skills can get her hands on them and learn them.
00:42:33.120
I think there's really a resurgence of women wanting to get back into their feminine side. What is
00:42:37.940
femininity? It's something that we've lost. It's something that we're missing. It's something
00:42:41.460
that we're trying to remember what it is and integrate it into our lives. It's been one of
00:42:46.180
those hot topics I've been covering a lot of, and it affects women of all ages. They could be late
00:42:52.100
teens, early twenties into their sixties. I mean, we have a real wide variety of women that listen to
00:42:57.440
this show and that is a subject that is resonating with a lot of women right now. So I think it's
00:43:03.060
interesting because, you know, aspects of feminism have made women become more masculine, right? So
00:43:08.720
they have lost touch with that. And I think a lot of women are missing that they're realizing they're
00:43:13.220
not as fulfilled as they could be. Yes. And so it's really interesting that in order to completely
00:43:20.480
embrace your femininity is actually also has been vital for me to embrace my husband's masculinity
00:43:28.740
and just to celebrate that difference and really learn to respect, which doesn't mean that I always
00:43:34.280
agree or that he's the authority over me, but just that I honor my husband's thinking and his
00:43:40.700
accomplishments and they might be completely different than mine. But, um, in the old days,
00:43:45.560
I used to spend a lot of time, uh, with my girlfriends, male bashing, you know, just making jokes about men
00:43:50.580
and how whatever immature or lazy or whatever stupid they are. And, um, that just never served me.
00:43:57.860
I think in some ways becoming more appreciative of his contributions. Um, well, it's the contrast,
00:44:05.320
right? Like the night sky is how you get to see the stars. You don't get to see them unless it's dark.
00:44:10.660
So really appreciating the contrast of the masculinity and the femininity together and just the beautiful
00:44:16.520
combination that they are, uh, has been an important piece of it. Now tell us about your book,
00:44:21.920
The Surrendered Single, because I think that this is another hot topic right now. Dating,
00:44:26.380
dating just seems like a mess when I hear from young kids out there, especially with social
00:44:30.820
media and everything. So what is a young girl to do who wants to find the best mate?
00:44:36.380
Well, the intimacy skills are the skills and femininity is the femininity, whether you're
00:44:41.520
married or divorced or single. So it's all going to be the same stuff. This is really about, um, so
00:44:48.800
for me, so the subtitle is about how to attract and marry the man who's right for you. So, um,
00:44:54.600
the feminine is not about pursuing. She's just using her magnetism and really, um, she's in such a
00:45:01.540
position of power. So for example, um, men will ask women out. You don't have to ever ask a man out.
00:45:08.860
I don't recommend it because it obscures your beautiful tail feathers that you have to pursue.
00:45:14.180
So you're really in such a position of strength where you're like the director who's auditioning
00:45:19.740
the dancers and saying, you know, yeah, you know, not you or, um, next. Right. So it's a, um,
00:45:26.460
it's a wonderful thing to step into your feminine gifts when you're single and dating and be able to
00:45:31.820
use that. And then, and then it's so delightful. My singles are always so surprised and happy to find
00:45:38.420
out that when they're actually just receptive and not trying to offer to pay their half of the
00:45:43.560
dinner bill and are more interested in them that they think that they need to do that as part of
00:45:50.780
pulling their own weight. And it actually is a signal that says, let's just be friends instead of
00:45:55.780
letting him treat you and make that contribution. That's where a receiving graciously will make you
00:46:01.720
10 times more attractive. You'll have your, your wide choice of the men that you want to date.
00:46:06.660
And of course, um, one special hero will emerge from that crowd. Uh, and it's just a wonderful
00:46:13.060
thing. So it really takes a lot of the risk of heartbreak out of dating. If you are using the
00:46:17.900
intimacy skills when you do it. It's funny, you bring up the tail feather. I watch a lot of nature
00:46:21.400
shows and generally it's the male bird who has to shake the feather and have all the bling. The woman,
00:46:26.780
the, the female bird is, she's kind of boring, kind of a brown, you know, he's, he's colorful and
00:46:32.680
interesting and she gets to have her pick, doesn't she? I mean, she doesn't even
00:46:36.540
have to do much at all, but I guess when you're married, then you kind of have to keep that going.
00:46:40.700
Then the woman has to keep it up to keep them interested. Right.
00:46:44.900
I mean, um, I, for me, it's about the, you know, if you want to look like a supermodel to your
00:46:51.140
husband, in fact, actually great story. Um, my husband, I was brushing crumbs off the counter
00:46:57.340
and I don't think I was especially dressed up this day. So I was just, you know, brushing the
00:47:01.860
crumbs off and he goes, Oh, don't move. And he got out his phone to take pictures of me.
00:47:06.240
Like I'm the supermodel that he's been married for 28 years. So, um, it's, I mean, I'm unspeakably
00:47:12.060
grateful to be loved that way every day, but I don't think it's really so much about my hair and
00:47:15.860
makeup and clothes as it is about, um, him, uh, looking in my eyes and seeing that I respect him
00:47:23.480
and admire him and appreciate him. And that I'm willing to receive graciously from him and be
00:47:29.240
vulnerable with him that has him see me as the supermodel that, um, I may not necessarily be
00:47:35.600
what I am to him. So, um, so for me, it's, um, I mean, I, I, you know, I love getting my hair done
00:47:43.520
and, you know, having a mani pedi and, and I'm getting a new lipstick, just as my strappy sandals
00:47:48.580
as much as the next person, next woman. But I know that that is, um, really just a superficial
00:47:54.880
piece of the attraction that my husband feels for me. That's a good point. Well, tell us about
00:48:00.240
your website, your workshops, everything that you have going on, let people know how they can find
00:48:04.680
your books. Yes. Thank you, Lana. Well, we have a really fun, um, get cherished challenge going on
00:48:10.420
right now. So that's it. Get cherished.com kind of like got milk, but it's get cherished. And if you
00:48:16.460
go there, you can also read a free chapter of the empowered wife. You can, um, sign up to get the,
00:48:21.820
there's five little experiments that I send you that you can just try on in your marriage and see
00:48:26.620
if your husband's head explodes, um, in a good way and, um, and to see if they work for you. So
00:48:33.240
those are kind of fun. Yeah, there it is. That's the get cherished site. And then you also, um, when
00:48:38.620
you buy the book, you also right now get a free membership into my skills for love, um, exclusive
00:48:44.540
portal. Um, so we have a bunch of goodies in there for you around the six, the six intimacy skills.
00:48:49.400
And then the other, um, exciting thing we have right now is this Amazon show, which is free for
00:48:55.500
prime members of Amazon. And, um, you can also get a free one month trial of prime and then the
00:49:02.380
show would be free as well. Um, you can search for that under Amazon videos. It's called the
00:49:06.900
empowered wives. So go watch. Yes. Thank you, Laura. I really appreciate it. I've heard good
00:49:12.960
things about you. Actually few listeners recommended you and so I'm glad they did. Thank you guys for
00:49:17.680
recommending Laura. And thank you so much for being my guest today. Appreciate it.
00:49:21.100
Thank you, Lana. It's been my pleasure. Thanks for having me.
00:49:24.320
The end goal here is peace, fulfillment, and prosperity in your marriage. That's what we want.
00:49:30.540
Marriage shouldn't be a battlefield. And I think the things we discussed here today make a lot of sense.
00:49:36.660
Nature created us with specific attributes. Let's not fight it, but learn to go with it.
00:49:41.280
Have something to add or dispute? Post your comments below. Thanks for watching.