261. Q&AF： #CoupleGoals, Redirecting Culture & #75HARD Test Days
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Summary
In this episode of The Realists, Andy and I take your questions and give you the real answer, not the BS answer that you get everywhere else. We talk about how to become a better man, how to be a better partner, and how to attract the woman you want in your life.
Transcript
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What is up guys, it's Andy Fursella and this is the show for the realists say goodbye to
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the lies, the fakeness and delusions of modern society and welcome to motherfucking reality.
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Guys, today we have Q and AF. This is where you ask stuff and I answer stuff. Isn't that
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right? That's what we do here. Pretty much. Yeah. I think that's what we do here. This
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place make people better. Yeah. So these questions, if you're new to the show, this is the Q and
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AF show segment of the show. It's kind of like, I don't know, what are we becoming a network
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where we have different shows on different days and shit. Yeah. RAF baby. That's the
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network. Yeah. So today you're going to ask the Qs and I'm going to give the AFs, which
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means I'm going to take your questions and I'm going to give you the real answer, not
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the fucking bullshit answer that you get everywhere else. Other days you might tune in and hear
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cruise the internet. And this is where people that do dumb shit in the real world get made
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fun of by people smarter than them. Then we have real talk. All right. And real talk is
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where I get on and I yell at you and you get better because of it. Okay. And then we
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have a full length, which is like interview. And we find out how other people became awesome
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and in the ways that you want to be awesome. That's pretty basic understanding of what we
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do here. So you're going to probably laugh at a whole bunch of shit and then you're probably
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going to get smarter too. So we have a fee for that, right? It's not free. I'm not going
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to come to your house and tickle you and make you laugh. Maybe I will. But we ask that
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in exchange for all these giggles that you get from me and not DJ that you share the
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show. Now, with that being said, what's going on? What's going on, brother? You go to Chicago
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this weekend? Did go to Chicago. How was it? It was good. It was good. It was, uh, it was
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good. It was good. Nonetheless. Yeah. I'm back. Huh? I'm back. Yeah. All right. So I guess
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hit me with the question. Yeah. I got some good ones for you, man, as always. Um, and guys,
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don't forget if you want to email, uh, if you want to submit your questions, right. And you
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would like to be heard, um, please email them to ask Andy and Andy for seller.com. And, uh,
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if they're good, they'll be asked and answered. Andy question number one. So in the past couple
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of episodes, we, you've been hitting on, you know, building man. We just had Jason on. It was
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amazing, uh, episode as well, but, but building these, uh, you know, the, the ideals of manhood
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essentially. Right. Um, and I've been loving that content. What's your outlook on building
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relationships with couples? Like how should they, what, what, what things should they be
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focused on? What does a good couple, uh, or relationship look like? Dude, I think it comes
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down to very simple things. I think this is a very simple answer and it's something that
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people struggle with. I mentioned on the show many times over the years, but it's very
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simple. Um, first off, I'm going to address it from the standpoint of becoming a couple
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and then also as a couple. Yeah. Uh, I observed so many people out there that feel entitled
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to a certain type of partner that, and, and what they claim they want, right. We'll see
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these posts and they say, Oh, I'm looking for a man who's this, this, this, this, this,
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or I'm looking for a woman who's this, this, this, this, this, the three sixes. Have
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you heard that the three sixes? No, I don't care. So the, the, it's probably something
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stupid as fuck. All right. So here's, here's the thing. Every time I read those posts and
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then I look at the person posting it, they're always a piece of shit. Okay. So it's not that
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there's no good man or no good woman. It's that you're not good enough to attract that
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man or that woman that you want. All right. So in order to get the kind of person that you
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want, you have to become the kind of person that that person would want to be
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with. This is very basic. This is very basic. Nobody wants to, to, to, to understand this
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because they were told by their mom growing up, all that matters is sunshine, flowers
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and rainbows and, and a bunch of other shit that doesn't really matter. Right. What
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matters is, is that you have built yourself into a desirable partner and that goes for
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both, both, both sexes. Yeah. Okay. And it goes, whatever, whatever, whether you're
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gay or whatever you like, bro, you're, if you want that greatness of a partner, you
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are going to have to become that greatness. That's just reality. Okay. So instead of
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complaining about, you know, how you can't meet anybody or you can't find any good
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people or this or that, or this, maybe the reason is you're not building yourself
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into the person that that kind of person would like. And I'm willing to bet that
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that's probably the case. Okay. So that's the first thing I would say. Um, the second
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thing when it comes to building relationships is, is, uh, is really the same thing as the
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first thing. Okay. Um, do what the fuck you expect your partner to do in the same situations.
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And that's kind of how it should work. Yeah. It's very simple, dude. Um, I'm not sure where
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they were asked what the perspective was and what they're looking for in that question.
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Did they give you more info? No, no, that's pretty much it. I mean, just like building
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a relationship, like what, you know, okay, I work as a man, I should be this, this, and
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this. Well, dude, like, like, dude, there's a lot of guru, like couple gurus out there,
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right? For sure, bro. And they're all full of shit. There is no conventional way. By
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the way, you ever, you ever notice the people who give that advice as a couple always end
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up breaking up every fucking time. Okay. They make their whole product about, Oh, we're
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this happy couple. And then they break up. Perfect. We're happy. And that's, that's the
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lie. That's the lie because none of y'all have figured out, right? I don't have figured
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out. You don't have figured out. I don't know what it is to mean a perfect man. I'm not a
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perfect man, but I show up every day trying to be fucking better. And I think at the end
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of the day, the key to a healthy relationship is that showing up every day, trying to be
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the best that you can fucking be and help the other person be the best that they can be.
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And if you do those things with respect and you have respect for each other, that's how
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a relationship is fundamentally built. You know what I'm saying? And, and, you know,
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I think a lot of people fuck up their whole lives because, you know, they don't think of
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it with any logic at all. They think total emotion, right? They think like, Oh, uh, I'm
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attracted to this person or this or that, or this. And they don't consider all the other
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aspects. Like you got to live with this person your whole life. Like you got to fucking be
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able to communicate. You got to be able to, you probably need to think they're kind of
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funny. Right. Uh, there's, there's all kinds of things that you need values. Yeah. That
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go beyond just like what we see surface level every day on our phones. Right. And
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you know, a lot of people get sucked into that and end up ruining a big part of their
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life, you know? And by the way, a lot of people ruin their lives because they, they've
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been with someone for so long that they think they have to progress the relationship to that
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next level. Right. And that's not necessarily the case. Things aren't going well now,
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just because you've been with someone for X amount of time doesn't mean you take it to
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the next level. Like there's just no logic and no real strategic thinking or planning
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that goes on in these, in these, it's all frou, frou, feel good, fluffy bullshit. Yeah.
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And what, what relationship, uh, gurus out there do you actually hear saying, Hey, uh, maybe
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the problem is you, maybe the problem is you just need to be great. Maybe the problem is you
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need to be better. You know what I'm saying? Like, dude, you gotta be self selfish to be
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selfless. That's what people don't get. And, and dude, there's so many problems. I'm not
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a relationship expert, bro, but like I can observe so like so many people attach their
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value to their whole entire value to their relationship or, um, somebody's approval or,
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um, I mean, bro, there, there's, there's no real guide to it, you know, and there's like
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Jason said, when he was on the show, there's no conventional way to be a man and there's
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no conventional way to be in a relationship. But if you want a healthy relationship where
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you're not fighting and you're not arguing and it's not constantly walking on eggshells
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and all that, cause I've been in ones like that and they suck. Um, you need to become
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great and good and it possess moral standard and quality and all of these things in yourself
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and you will attract someone similarly. Like if you're not about the drama, um, and you're
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successful and you can handle your shit and you're a standalone person and you've got all
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your stuff together and you're not about the drama, you'll attract someone who also has
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their own shit together. It ain't about the drama. Right. Right. A lot of people just think
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that, I mean, dude, the, the idea of relationships and marriage is so fucking warped that a lot of
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people believe that it's normal to fight like cats and dogs all the time. Right. And that's
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how I love you. And this and that, like, bro, the truth is 99% of people get into relationships
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way too early. Uh, they get married without the right perspective. That's why the divorce
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rate is so high. Uh, they haven't even figured out themselves yet. They haven't even built
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themselves in anything yet. And you know, it ends up biting them in the ass and that's what
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happens. So, you know, if you're a young person listening to this and you're, let's just say
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physically 20 years old and you think you need to hurry up and find a wife or a husband
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and this and that, and this, or let's say you're 40 years old and you need to hurry up
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and find a wife or a husband or this, I can tell you how it's going to end badly. It's going
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to end badly. If you're living less than what you could be personally, if you are not as good
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as you could be personally, you're going to attract someone that's less than what you could
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attract if you were living to that level. So, I mean, dude, it's, it's a fucking nightmare
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out there. Like, like dude, Instagram, social media, geopolitical politics, beliefs, uh, division.
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There's so many things that, that are just like, they're, they're like, I would hate to
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be dating right now. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like first question, are you vaccinated?
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No. Or like you go on a date and a fucking chick shows up wearing a fucking mask. Right.
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Right. Or you show up on a date and the chick got a dick. Yeah. And then, and then, and then
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if you don't like it, you're a bigot, you're a bigot. If you don't like it, I digress. I'm
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sorry. I'm just, no dude, it's the truth. It's real shit. It's the truth. I just saw a video
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from, uh, the, from the national championship swim team where there was another trans man trying
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to use the women's bathroom and the women, the woman blocked them from using it. Good
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for her. Good for her. Grown men shouldn't be in the women's bathroom. He called her a
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dog too, by the way. I saw that. Call your dog off. Yeah. Yeah. A fucking dude in a wig
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calling a young woman, a dog, an actual woman. The fuck out of here. Crazy. All right. Andy
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question number two, how do you correct or redirect a negative culture or just like a tension
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inside of any of your companies when, when, if that happens, you get refocused on what
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you're there to do. Okay. Most of the time you're going to have a negative vibes or negative
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culture. It's because you have gotten off track from what the actual mission is. All
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right. Um, if your actual mission and your actual intent is not to improve the lives of
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your employees and improve the lives of your customers, you are eventually going to lose.
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Okay. And what I found is that when people start to focus on themselves, they start to
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focus on the inter, uh, inter office politics, you know, they start worrying about other things,
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how much money we're making, how much this, how much that, how much this, how much that,
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what about this? What about so-and-so? Oh, that's unfair. That's this, this, this, this,
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this, and they don't keep their focus right on the job at hand of what's supposed to be done.
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That's where it makes room for all of the negativity. So, um, what I think the best option is to
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revamp, um, to revamp a culture that might be in that, in that mindset, uh, is sort of a, a couple
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step process. One, um, identify the actual reason that you're having the culture issues. A lot of
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times it's one squeaky wheel. It's one person who has become disenfranchised with the culture
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who's secretly behind your back spreading, uh, you know, cancerous, that cancerous culture,
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right. And there's only one way to get rid of cancer, bro. And it's to cut it out. So first
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off, figure out who's causing it and what, what's going about, uh, have a conversation with them,
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see if they have a legitimate gripe. And if they do have a legitimate gripe that you can fix, um,
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feel free to fix it, but also make it clear that next time for them to bring it to you directly.
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Right. Uh, one thing I don't tolerate in any of my companies is gossip. And if I find out from
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someone else that you have a problem or that you've been spreading the problem and you didn't
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come to me with the problem, we're going to have a problem. Right. Because I don't care if you come
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to me, you come to me and say, Hey, fuck you. I fucking don't like the way you do shit. All right,
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let's talk about it. But when you go around to 10 other people and cause a big headache for me,
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you can guarantee I'm going to cause a big headache back. Yeah. Right. And that's the way you got to do it.
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So, um, so that's the first step. The second step is if there is no cancer, which happens sometimes,
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it's usually a matter of people just getting off course. You've been doing the same thing for too
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long. Um, you might need to get the team together and do something that's fun. You might need to get
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the team together. And I'm not talking about, Ooh, it's Kathy's birthday in the kitchen. Let's go
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sing. Happy birthday. I'm talking about actual fun. I'm talking about getting out, getting loose,
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having a good time. Um, not force fake corporate fun. Okay. Uh, that can help having
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a meeting, uh, stop, you know, like there's been a couple of times in the history of the company
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where I've closed the business down for an entire day for retraining. Yeah, of course. I mean,
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and it costs me a lot of money to close business for a day, but they know it costs me a lot of money
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and they know I'm taking it serious. So it helps get people redirected. Okay. There's all kinds of
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ways to redirect culture, but in, in all honesty, the feeling that you probably have of, you know,
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oh, there's something wrong, uh, is probably something that could easily be addressed by
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you just getting everybody refocused on what the actual mission of work is, right? We're here to
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make our lives of our customers better, to make the lives of our employees better. And when we get
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off track from doing that, things get more complicated, right? And when we do that to the
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best of our ability, everything else kind of works itself out. You, you like even competitors,
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like, how do you, how do you beat a competitor that doesn't give a fuck about you and only cares
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about producing the best result for the customer? It's really hard to be someone like that. Yeah.
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Right. A lot of people in our industry, whatever industry my company is in, um,
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they, they look at me and they look at what we do and they try to copy everything we do.
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And I like that because it makes me understand that they're not focusing on what they need to do.
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And every minute that they do that to me and try to copy what I'm doing,
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that's putting them back years, years, because what they see I'm doing is a result of what I
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talked about two years ago internally. Right. You see what I'm saying? So, yeah. And so, you know,
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uh, there's benefits to just staying focused. And if you stay focused and you keep your team focused,
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uh, they'll be happy. They'll, they'll feel like they're contributing. They'll feel like their job
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matters. Uh, you got to pay them well. Okay. Everybody's got to fucking eat. Um, but at the
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end of the day, man, usually most of these times that what they're describing, I understand what
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they're describing and it comes from just lack of focus on what we do. Yeah. So, and, and it's
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something that never goes away. And that's another thing. Like that's a whole nother topic. Like a lot
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of CEOs or business owners or even managers are like, man, when does it stop? When does it stop?
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When do I finally get everything in it? And it works perfectly in this and that. That's the
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biggest myth of business. There is no, there is no time that that ever happens. Nothing ever works
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perfectly. You have to handle everything that comes up day by day, by day, by day, as it comes
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up. Um, and the cool thing is, is as you get more experience at handling these problems, they become
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easier to deal with. Cause you already know, because you've dealt with them before, right? You know,
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but when you don't deal with them, you never learn the skills that you need to deal with them,
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which creates tons of anxiety, tons of stress, tons of frustration, uh, and, and tons of bad
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culture. Cause it comes from you, it comes from the leader. If you're walking in your office every
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day, full of anxiety, thinking that everybody's out to get you, guess what? They're going to get
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out to get you because they're going to feel that you're out to get them because that's the vibe
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you're putting fuck out. So communicate, tell the truth, get people focused on what we're here to do.
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That's what we do. And if you do that culture will take care of itself. Yeah. Love it. Andy, our third
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and final question for you, uh, 75 hard, you talk about test days quite a bit, right? What was one of
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the worst test days that you can think of off the top of your head? Um, how did it serve you? How did
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you handle it? Well, look, dude, um, there's tons of, of whether you're aware of test days concept
00:17:27.180
or not, you're always going to have days, no matter where you are in life that are hard.
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Like you're always going to have days. And in fact, most of the days are not going to go the
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way you planned them out to go. That's just reality. So to say what my hardest test day was,
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I don't fucking know. Like I clearly I've overcome a whole bunch of them. Right. You know what I'm
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saying? Right. So I could talk about a test day I had just two days ago. Cause I can remember that
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one. Um, I'm in the middle of 75 hard. I don't even know what day I'm on right now. Uh, cause I
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don't count. I focus on fucking winning the day. That's my focus. I don't, how many times do I have
00:18:04.740
to ask you what day it is for real? Yeah. A lot. Almost every day. I don't even know what day it is
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because I'm so focused on winning my day. Yeah. Right. So, uh, the other night, man, uh, I was
00:18:17.460
fucking starving, like starving, bro. And all I wanted was a pizza from emo's, which emo's is our
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local pizza place here, which I fucking love. Um, with jalapenos and sausage and pepperoni
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and bacon. That's what I wanted. I fucking wanted it bad, bro. It's not pretty good. Yeah. It did sound
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good. And you know what I did? I didn't eat it. I told myself, I said, you know what? You haven't had a
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hard test in a while. And bro, when I'm saying like, I wanted it, like I had already, I had told
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Emily, fuck it, go ahead and order that. Yeah. And I'll fucking do it. I was trying, you know,
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I'll deal with it later. Yeah. And then I stopped cardio tomorrow. And then I stopped myself and I
00:19:00.860
said, no, motherfucker, you're being a total bitch. I said, eat a fucking meal that you're supposed to
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eat and you will feel better. And so I heard my boss voice, like click in and say, no, dude,
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you're being a total bitch. You're lying to people. You're, you're going to fail again.
00:19:17.820
You've already failed twice this year because of the injury thing. Yeah. And, and bro, you know
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what? I didn't, I ate a meal. I got done with the meal. I looked at Emily and I said, man, I'm
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fucking glad I didn't order that fucking pizza. Yeah. Okay. And that's a test day. I won that day.
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And then yesterday, guess what? So that was Saturday. Yesterday was Sunday. Yesterday, um, I started
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feeling like I didn't want to get my shit done. And I was able to recall back just 12 hours ago
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and be like, no, dude, look what you just did. You just passed up on that thing. Now you're talking
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about this. It's a constant internal test, bro, all the time. And no matter how strong you get,
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it's going to always be that way. So you could develop these skills of grit, discipline, perseverance,
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uh, fortitude, all of these things that we talk about, the mental toughness aspect of 75 hard,
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live hard. If you think that you're going to get to a point, it goes back to the question I just
00:20:12.680
answered previously. It never gets to the point where you have to, you get to take it easy.
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That's the whole point. Okay. People think there's this rest point or this reprogram.
00:20:23.960
Like, bro, that's why 75 hard is not the fucking end all be all. Like, like when people try to hate
00:20:29.520
on it and they're like, Oh, it's fucking, Oh, it's a year long program. Dumb fucks. Okay. It's, it's,
00:20:36.300
it works. It teaches people completely new habits, no matter how unsustainable you think
00:20:40.820
it is. Cause you read somebody's bullshit post on it, read the book, listen to the podcast,
00:20:45.940
understand the program. Okay. This is about fine tuning the skills multiple times across the year
00:20:52.540
so that you have them all the time. Now, does that mean you're going to have them at peak level all
00:20:57.520
the time? No, we talk about this all the time. There's, there's, there's deposits and there's
00:21:02.280
withdrawals. Okay. And if you put, when I, when I passed up on that pizza the other day,
00:21:07.160
that was a deposit into all of those skills. So then the next day when I was still struggling
00:21:14.040
with some other, I forgot what it was. It was like, I didn't want to do the cardio or something,
00:21:17.420
or I was about to bitch out on half the cardio. Yeah. I was able to look back and make a withdrawal
00:21:22.340
and be like, dude, no, you just passed that hard ass test yesterday. That was way fucking harder
00:21:28.200
than what this is. And guess what? I didn't bitch out and I followed through and I got my shit done.
00:21:33.660
And that's the sort of dialogue of how it all links together inside of your head. So test days
00:21:39.600
are extremely important. Uh, one, because they are the days that you find out if your goals are really
00:21:46.460
your goals or if you're just full of fucking shit. Okay. And they're also the days that you take
00:21:52.680
that would have been a massive loss and you turn them into a massive win. When you can replace the
00:21:58.820
days that you have a massive loss with a massive win, that's not just a swing of one day. That's
00:22:03.860
a swing of like two days. Cause instead of having one loss and one win, now you got two wins.
00:22:09.580
Does that make sense? Yeah. Now you're building them. Yes. It's it's, there's, there's way more to it
00:22:14.760
than what people actually think about. Okay. So think of all the times, bro, that you didn't want to work
00:22:22.260
out or you didn't want to eat healthy. What if you had a way every single fucking time to,
00:22:27.740
to make yourself do the thing that you know, you needed to do when you didn't want to do it?
00:22:35.700
How much different would your fucking life look every time you wanted to eat shitty,
00:22:40.240
every time you wanted to skip a workout, every time you wanted to blow off your reading every,
00:22:45.500
every one of those times now, instead of blowing it off, like 98%, 99% of humans do their whole life.
00:22:54.260
Oh dude, I get it next time. I get it next time. I get it next time. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow,
00:22:58.040
next week, next week, next week, after the wedding, after the wedding, after the holidays,
00:23:01.640
after bro, it's a constant fucking bullshit story. This is why people are miserable. So think if you
00:23:06.920
took every one of those excuses for the last 1000 days, bro. And instead of making the wrong
00:23:12.840
decisions, you had made the right decisions, what would your life look like now? That's how I think
00:23:17.920
about it. Does that make sense? Fucking clarity, bro. Yeah. So, so you, you're sitting there thinking,
00:23:25.560
why me? Why me? Why me? Well, I'll tell you why. Because every fucking time it gets hard, you do the
00:23:31.220
thing that you, you get in, you eat the shit, you skip the workout, you skip the reading, you skip the
00:23:38.340
shit. And it creates a double effect where not only are you not getting better, you're getting
00:23:43.480
worse, but you are in the control to flip those times. You can flip those times by just being aware
00:23:49.800
of your voice so that every time your little bitch voice, which we all have is inside of our head
00:23:55.380
says, Hey, skip that or tomorrow or after the new year or after this or after that, and starts
00:24:00.760
bullshitting us on these excuses. We're able to squash that down and replace it with a positive action
00:24:06.740
in the right direction. You cannot tell me not a single one of you motherfuckers listening to the
00:24:12.080
show can tell me that your life wouldn't be exactly where the fuck you want it to be. Had you done this
00:24:17.920
for the last three or four years, period. And if you tell me that you're a fucking liar.
00:24:26.420
So that's what it comes down to, dude. It comes down to all these tests that you are not passing
00:24:32.520
right now. And if you start passing them, your life will look different. Go listen to my test day
00:24:39.280
show. Go listen to a thousand day show. Go listen to that shit. It'll change your whole life. Before
00:24:45.760
real AF, you'll find 300 and what, 20, 18, 20 episodes, something. Anyway, a whole bunch of
00:24:52.260
motherfucking episodes called the MS CEO project. Number one entrepreneur podcast that ever fucking
00:24:57.340
existed in the history of time. Okay. Go back 48, go back and listen to that episode.
00:25:04.380
What holes are in my game? You see what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. Cause every time I want to
00:25:09.920
fucking quit, every time I want to fuck off, every time I want to be that bitch I used to be,
00:25:14.120
I'm not only not giving you that I'm doing something productive in the right way. These are the pivot
00:25:19.860
points I talk about, right? You get home from work and you're like, fuck, I'm so fucking tired,
00:25:25.340
dude. It was so busy. It was Monday. It was fucking, I got fucking slammed. Fuck. I still
00:25:30.120
got my workout. The minute you think that your ass should be off the couch, putting your fucking
00:25:36.280
shoes on, going to the workout, because if you can get that discipline, bro, you can legitimately
00:25:41.220
not just change the entire trajectory of your existence, but every motherfucker that comes in
00:25:47.240
contact with you from here until the end of motherfucking time. It's fucking, I love it, bro. I love it
00:25:53.460
guys. And that is fucking three. Go pay the fee. Yeah. All right. Love you guys. I appreciate
00:26:01.400
Went from sleeping on the floor. Now my jewelry box froze. Fuck a bowl. Fuck a stove. Counted millions
00:26:07.380
in the cold. Bad bitch. Booted swole. Got her on bankroll. Can't fold. Doesn't know. Headshot case