REAL AF with Andy Frisella - 575. Q&AF Ft. Layne Norton, PhD： Forgiving Others, Feeling Overwhelmed & Being A Man

00:00:00.000 what is up guys it's andy for selling this is the show for the real let's say goodbye to the lies

00:00:21.020 the faintness and delusions of modern society and welcome to motherfucking reality guys today we

00:00:26.140 have q and af that's where uh you submit the questions and we give you the afs now uh you

00:00:31.460 could submit your questions a couple different ways the first way is guys you can email your

00:00:36.540 questions to ask andy at andy for seller.com or you can go on youtube and on the q and a episodes

00:00:42.640 you can drop your questions in the comments and we'll answer some from there as well other times

00:00:46.940 we have cti that stands for cruise the internet that's where we put topics up on the screen we

00:00:52.520 speculate on what's true what's bullshit and then we talk about what we the people can do to solve

00:00:57.400 some of these problems going on in the world other times we have real talk real talk is just five to

00:01:01.660 20 minutes of me giving you some real talk and then other times we have 75 hard verses 75 hard

00:01:06.620 verses is where we bring people on who've completed 75 hard talk about how they were before how they

00:01:11.820 are after and then we talk about how you can fix what's going on with you as well if you want the

00:01:15.740 75 hard program which is the first phase of the live hard program you can get it for free at episode

00:01:21.060 208 uh on the audio feeds only and then uh other times we have full length full length is where we

00:01:25.800 just bring someone on and we have a talk i know i said i wasn't going to do many of those but i think

00:01:30.540 we're going to bring those back because i like them anyway q and af and we have a special guest

00:01:36.520 got my friend back in the house my good buddy lane norton what's happening bro good to see you

00:01:43.280 good to be back yeah what's been going on a lot of the same just doing business lifting heavy and

00:01:50.900 doing the dad thing calling motherfuckers out on the internet i do some of that you know uh the

00:01:56.540 kind of the science-based side of things you know um you know ruffling some ruffling some feathers

00:02:02.140 it's hard job but somebody's got to do it it is what it is although i will say like i'm seeing so

00:02:07.360 many more evidence-based people coming out and doing like kind of like my debunk style videos

00:02:12.920 and people have said to me like doesn't that bother you i'm like no i think it's great yeah like we

00:02:18.320 need more people i've felt like i've been out on an island for a long time doing this stuff you know

00:02:22.140 so i've seen a lot of that too i've seen a lot of the uh they're they're like guys in their mid-20s

00:02:28.320 that are starting to kind of like take up that same style yeah um even some females too yeah i haven't

00:02:33.840 seen any of that i've seen i've seen a few i only see them because you you shout them out on your page

00:02:38.120 yeah um which i think it's cool you know yeah yeah like i i mean i tell everybody like

00:02:44.000 yeah we're all in competition but it's like you know i don't not nearly as big but i don't

00:02:50.720 something at line but we're not in competition like i care about good folks in the industry

00:02:54.940 i want to align myself with as many like good people as i can because to me like rising tide

00:03:03.480 floats all ships and i think that's that's common i think that's become like you and i've been in the

00:03:09.480 industry for like literally the exact same amount of time do you feel like that it's been that that's

00:03:16.220 changed because i feel like personally it used to not be that way i felt like the owners of

00:03:21.680 companies weren't friends and people didn't get along and like everybody kind of just fucking hated

00:03:26.000 each other and then recently over the last like four or five years people have started to like

00:03:30.660 realize like oh shit we're kind of on this little boat all together and we should sort of work

00:03:35.800 together otherwise the entire government system and everything that we have going on makes it hard

00:03:42.580 for us to exist you know i feel like there's been a lot more uh i don't know friendships maybe it's

00:03:49.780 just me i don't know i think you know the internet's not great for some things but i do think it has

00:03:55.420 brought people in some ways closer together yeah i think you know when we when i first got in

00:04:00.320 like i didn't know a bunch of owners from back then but i think things are more siloed you know you

00:04:04.500 didn't really interact with that people that much except at trade shows now it's like you

00:04:09.920 you never know if somebody's going to be the same way they are online but like you know i i had a

00:04:16.080 pretty good idea coming to meet you like you and sal were going to be the same way yeah you are on

00:04:20.900 social and i think like you think i'm probably the same way for sure so like you can kind of get a

00:04:26.380 feel for oh you know i think i'd vibe with this person i think we'd get along that sort of thing

00:04:31.280 um whereas before you know if it's just like you're seeing another company's ads in a magazine

00:04:38.000 or something like that or you know it's so easy to become adversarial you know and i think now

00:04:42.980 it's kind of like i just want to see good people win yeah you know because to me if i take care of

00:04:50.060 my stuff like my stuff's gonna be fine you know i don't need to be in competition with somebody else

00:04:54.980 yeah uh question number one uh guys in a recent andy graham uh andy you have mentioned learning

00:05:02.520 to forgive others uh that made mistakes does that mean you still need to be friends with them

00:05:08.520 after you forgive them um it's hard after friendship trust gets broken uh to still talk

00:05:14.000 to them what's your take on this forgiveness uh and continuing relationships yeah no i don't think

00:05:19.420 you have to continue to be friends in fact i think you should be very selective on who you call

00:05:23.620 your friends and i think that who your friends should be should be people like lane has just

00:05:27.620 talked about a minute ago that want you to win that are willing to help you win even when that's

00:05:33.200 uncomfortable so that's that's a a criteria that is very hard for people to stand up and step into

00:05:41.660 um for a lot of different reasons you know it could be their background it could be you know where

00:05:47.120 they come from it could be their level of insecurity but it's very rare that we can find people

00:05:51.640 that truly want us to win and are happy for us when we win and um when you find those people who

00:05:58.960 want you to win who are happy for you when you win and who also help you win and sometimes you have

00:06:04.420 to understand that helping you win is maybe telling you some shit that you would rather not hear but

00:06:09.400 need to hear um those are your friends man and outside of that those people aren't your friends and so

00:06:15.020 i think the term friend gets tossed around very loosely today especially with social media which

00:06:22.380 is kind of you know what we were talking about earlier i feel like everybody thinks that everybody's

00:06:26.920 their friend and i can tell you for experience and extensive life experience you have very few

00:06:32.580 friends if you think you have a lot of friends you do not have a lot of friends you have a lot of

00:06:36.360 people you know you have very few friends your real friends you know they're going to contribute to

00:06:42.600 your life in every single way possible they're not going to install seeds of doubt in your brain

00:06:47.400 they're not going to cut you down they're not going to be the person like this right because we have

00:06:52.820 two kinds of people we have the kind of people that'll tell you you're great tell you're great

00:06:56.180 tell you're great even when you're not great and those people come along after you've had some

00:07:00.900 success when you've had some success the most dangerous one yeah bro they're going to come along

00:07:05.700 and they're going to tell you you're the best you're the greatest yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and and dude

00:07:11.500 you'll believe it because you know you have some proof of that in reality so you're starting to

00:07:18.200 think like okay yeah i am the best and then you have the other kind of person and the other kind of

00:07:22.440 person is equally as damaging these are the kind of people that think that because everybody tells

00:07:27.780 you yes that they are required to always tell you no and they are always required to tell you

00:07:32.180 you know you're not as good as you think you are and they'll say things like this they'll say

00:07:37.000 look man i'm not going to be one of these people that kisses your ass and they'll they'll preface

00:07:41.020 everything they say like that or hey andy i know everybody's always kissing your ass so you know

00:07:46.240 somebody's got to tell you and those people will constantly tell you all the negative shit so you

00:07:51.280 have to find the people who are real the people who will tell you when you're doing good but also

00:07:56.280 like lane said a minute ago about his buddy mike they'll say hey that's not you bro don't do that

00:08:01.840 you know what i'm saying and those people are few and far between and and you should and you should

00:08:06.020 try to be one of those people as much as you possibly can to as many people as you can but

00:08:11.220 you should also expect that not many people are going to live up to that back to you and so when

00:08:15.360 people fuck with you or they do something wrong or they fuck you over or i was talking to one of my

00:08:20.740 good friends yesterday uh he had this guy you know him too uh honey okay and i was talking to honey

00:08:27.220 and we were talking about a relationship that he had with a previous athlete this previous athlete had

00:08:31.360 basically trashed him in public said all kinds of lies about him did all this stuff and then came

00:08:36.960 around years later and tried to apologize and honey's like dude you and this is to me right he's

00:08:42.940 telling me this he's like dude this guy has no idea the pain the stress the frustration the damage

00:08:48.980 that he's caused to something that i've worked my whole life to create and you know i don't have any

00:08:54.720 hard feelings but fuck that guy you know and like that's sometimes where you need to draw the boundary

00:08:59.840 you know like we have to be real we we can forgive people we can say hey it's all good and never talk

00:09:06.080 to them again and let them go live their life and in fact it's usually a good idea because if you

00:09:11.280 continue to forgive those people and then let them close to you again that likelihood of them repeating

00:09:16.700 the same kind of shit over and over again is very high and that's coming from someone who's 44 years old

00:09:21.720 who's had enough of these experiences to at some points in my life make me very bitter about people

00:09:27.480 so i think um i'm not a mental health expert but uh one of my friends john deloney is and he says

00:09:34.640 you know forgiveness is not for the other person forgiveness is for you right now i guess where i

00:09:41.040 stand is and i'm definitely more on the side of like somebody apologized to me i'm like immediately

00:09:46.880 like gonna pull him back in that sort of stuff i think what i would say you and i are so much alike

00:09:51.060 like that i think what i would say is um you know the context is important like what was the what was

00:09:57.000 the disagreement over what was the how did they hurt you right like if it's like oh they were two hours

00:10:01.500 late for dinner or didn't show up or something like that okay yeah of course that's one thing

00:10:04.380 somebody stole money from you somebody you know lied about you somebody really harmed you in some way

00:10:09.760 compromise values yeah end of the day it's kind of like you have to make that decision whether or not

00:10:16.260 you think that's a friendship worth continuing what i will say is like make them prove it you know

00:10:22.800 don't put them in a position where they can hurt you like that until they have consistently proven it

00:10:27.440 i think the one thing that stood out to me when you were talking about like the the right kind of friends

00:10:31.840 is will somebody show up for you even if it doesn't benefit them right in some way now at some point

00:10:40.820 um and i've said this to a number of friends like man i hope i know i hope i don't ever have to repay

00:10:46.420 you this way showing up for you this way because i mean you're in a hard place but you know i would

00:10:52.640 i would love to be able to show up for you the way you've shown up for me you know um and so that's

00:10:58.940 why i think the friendship is reciprocal but it's not like what can you do for me what can i do for you

00:11:03.200 it's like i love this person i think they're a great person how can i support them best you know

00:11:08.860 and um so you really have to make that decision whether how much you value it how long was the

00:11:14.300 friendship you know how many times did they show up for you was this just a that's what people do

00:11:19.300 stuff out of character sometimes like it happens especially when they want shit yeah i think that's

00:11:23.820 an important point you're hitting on there brother you have to evaluate was the friend ever really a

00:11:29.040 friend was this person ever really your friend or were they along for the ride or were they there

00:11:34.920 because you knew them from way back in the day like just because you've known someone for five

00:11:40.420 years or you 10 years or you went to high school with them or you went to college with them that

00:11:44.700 doesn't mean that they're your friend dude that just known them yeah that's correct but like we have

00:11:49.620 this idea that everybody's friends and that doesn't make what i'm now that doesn't make everybody

00:11:54.540 else your enemy there's three classes of people here right there's there's enemies then there's

00:12:00.100 acquaintances people that you know and generally like and can drink a beer with and hang out with and be

00:12:04.660 cool and then you got friends and that friend group should be really tight really small and um

00:12:09.460 that's been the experience of my life and you and i i think are a lot alike dude you know we give

00:12:15.100 people the benefit of the doubt we give a lot of grace um we we when people wrong us we want to

00:12:20.480 forgive them because we want to resolve the issue but we have to also be smart to not invite these

00:12:26.540 issues back into our lives from someone who has a faulty character trait for example right

00:12:31.400 sometimes people just can't be there and be the right kind of friend that we have or that we need

00:12:38.780 i'm sorry i think one of the things that i heard that was um that i've used a lot is you can love

00:12:43.940 someone from a distance yeah you know what i mean yeah like sometimes you can love somebody i'm not

00:12:49.360 just talking about romantic relationships right you know friendships too you can love somebody

00:12:52.980 and know that their family you can love somebody and know that their presence in your life is not

00:12:59.340 good for you like does somebody you know and and i think like so again john i'm gonna i'm gonna use him

00:13:06.340 he always when people will call his show and he has a great podcast by the way everybody should listen

00:13:11.660 to it when people call his show he'll talk about i never thought about this he's like he'll identify

00:13:19.000 what's happening in their body what's happening in your body right and he'll talk about it i never

00:13:23.620 thought about anxiety and stress that way right but like it does show up in your body we think about it

00:13:30.580 all here right but it shows up in your body and i know like and i went through a lot of stress over

00:13:36.360 the last couple years and once i started making changes to like get out of the things that were

00:13:42.860 really causing me a lot of stress i mean not only did i feel better i physically got stronger in the

00:13:48.420 gym yeah like pretty rapidly i mean it was crazy how it works out yeah and so when you're around somebody

00:13:55.280 do you do you generally feel at ease do you feel like you can be yourself do you feel like you can let

00:14:01.980 your guard down or do you feel like you know like i got to protect myself like i got to have my guard

00:14:09.700 up if i say that like you want to be around people who put you at ease yeah right like it's almost like

00:14:16.100 a regulation you know what i mean and even if you got to have a hard conversation can you have that hard

00:14:22.920 conversation and still feel a little bit of a sense of peace because i mean some people will say

00:14:28.960 nobody likes hard conversations with people they love like it's it's it always sucks but

00:14:35.200 can you can they do it in a way can you do it in a way in their presence because sometimes it's a

00:14:40.700 dynamic right it's not just one person it's a dynamic but can you do it in a way where you still

00:14:47.240 feel safe and you feel at ease those are the kind of people you want to have around you but if you're

00:14:52.460 like you know feel like you're whether it's a family member friend romantic partner you're like

00:14:57.940 walking on eggshells all the time you're constantly you know kind of in defense mode

00:15:04.380 they may not be a bad person but they're bad for you you know yeah i think one of the things too

00:15:11.380 it's like you know this misconception your friend group is going to change yeah and that's okay

00:15:18.520 yep like that's okay and like i'm young but it's gonna change many many times that's what i'm saying

00:15:23.320 i'm young and i've been through three different friend groups just in my lifetime my short lifetime

00:15:27.900 now and it's like just getting to the point where it's like it's okay like that's fine you know like

00:15:32.560 not like you know and i think what it is because i was over thinking about it you know you watch these

00:15:36.620 movies growing up as a kid and you know watch movies like little rascals and you're like oh man

00:15:39.960 we're gonna be friends forever and so you have this like uh this expectation that you know your

00:15:45.500 friends you grew up with that from the neighborhood or the you know the school you went to like you're

00:15:49.480 going to be lifelong friends and like the reality is those things like those situations are so far

00:15:55.120 fewer in between it doesn't happen you know i'm saying so like knowing that like your purpose in

00:15:59.840 life is to grow and elevate that means the people around you are going to have to grow and elevate

00:16:04.280 or just change and change in in general some people are there for good and some people are

00:16:09.580 there for a season yeah and i also think dude i think it's important for us like what you said

00:16:15.000 about loving them from afar i think it's important to recognize that the world you would be a lot

00:16:20.560 happier and i'm speaking to all of you you would be a lot happier if you would take the position

00:16:26.700 that you can not be as close of friends with someone and still want them to win still want them to do

00:16:33.240 good still be there if they need something like bro i take the approach of like being at ease around

00:16:39.360 everybody until they give me a reason not to yeah you know and uh but i also take the approach of

00:16:46.360 not letting people in my proximity as easily as i once did so um i don't know i think navigating

00:16:52.680 these issues is definitely something with nuance and there's all kinds of ways you can look at it

00:16:56.780 but ultimately you know dj's correct your friend group's going to evolve you're going to grow and if

00:17:02.240 you're not growing and your friendship isn't your friend group isn't evolving it's probably a sign

00:17:07.000 that that you need to maybe do some growth on your own yeah because they can leave you just as easily

00:17:10.860 yeah dude yeah and just you know make sure again back to the kind of the core question

00:17:17.520 like ask yourself is this

00:17:20.480 is i don't i think people are their habits you know they're not we've all done stuff at one time

00:17:29.720 that was outside of our character yeah you know and so and none of us are perfect right and so and by

00:17:35.460 the way bro guess what you're probably going to do some shit outside your character again at some

00:17:40.580 point in your life and so will i and so will him and so will everybody here listening yeah you know

00:17:44.460 that's that's the unfortunate uh condition called being human yeah so i think again that careful

00:17:50.060 balance between accountability and shame right where it's like um being able to because you can be too

00:17:58.340 easy on yourself you're like well i don't you know i'm human this and that people can justify a lot

00:18:03.440 of stuff by saying well i'm you're human yeah you know oh no i'm not saying that as an excuse no no

00:18:08.400 right i'm saying that from the because like dude remember we come from the place of the internal

00:18:14.660 dialogue that like my internal dialogue when i fuck up is not like oh bro you know it's all good

00:18:20.880 everything's gonna be fine it's like bro you're the biggest fucking piece of shit that walks the face

00:18:25.460 like that's my shit is like you guys think i'm hard on everybody else dude if you heard my internal

00:18:32.000 shit you know and people are gonna say well that's unhealthy no shit yeah yeah no and it's i again so

00:18:39.220 you be pointed out it's it's nuanced right at the end of the day you me dj we're not gonna be able to

00:18:45.240 tell you like should you still have a relationship with somebody who hurt you it's really going to boil

00:18:51.740 down to your values their values and all we'll say all i'll say is you know if you choose to bring

00:18:57.360 that person back in your life okay just do it stepwise and pay attention and pay attention and

00:19:03.960 you know be open but also protect yourself right don't put them in a position where they can hurt you

00:19:10.040 yeah that's real shit man uh guys question number two uh i'm a first year med student and i'm getting

00:19:17.120 my ass kicked uh it's only been a month there's a lot thrown at me at once and i constantly feel

00:19:23.440 behind i know to improve it's a combination of managing my time better and me not being efficient

00:19:28.820 with the work that i'm doing um i don't believe i have built the proper skill set just yet um i have

00:19:34.500 been using the powerless but i'm only finishing two or three of my five critical tasks that i need

00:19:40.860 to get done each day the problem is everything compounds uh and the work still needs to get done

00:19:45.880 regardless uh andy do you guys have any advice for time management and more importantly how do i make

00:19:51.680 sure i'm working more efficiently so um i think knowing yourself this is a very individual thing so i was

00:20:00.220 somebody i have very severe adhd i was diagnosed when i was six years old when i was doing grad

00:20:05.340 school undergrad um things didn't really come easy for me like i had to study a lot and um i think a

00:20:12.560 lot of times we we end up comparing ourselves to other people and that like we feel like oh i'm doing

00:20:18.400 this wrong there must be something wrong i know for me first off when i study i'm gonna lay on the

00:20:23.880 ground i don't know why i can't be at a desk right the other thing i'm gonna do is i'm gonna go

00:20:29.040 hard for 30 40 minutes with background noise i don't know why i can't study in silence

00:20:34.600 and then i'm gonna take a 10 to 20 minute break because i just know for me if i try to go hard

00:20:42.760 for multiple hours once i get hour one two it's like now i've got to take an even longer break to

00:20:48.880 reset myself now i'm not saying this is what this person should do but i know myself i found that over

00:20:53.940 time i think the other thing is really it sounds like and i i'm i'm kind of trying to read between

00:21:01.840 the lines it sounds like he's getting a little bit overwhelmed and then that like has a freeze

00:21:07.060 response yes you go i i can't do anything i've been there i can tell you there have been so many

00:21:13.440 times in my life where i'm like there is no way i can get done everything i need to get done

00:21:17.820 and you can start to stew in that and then not do anything and then by the time you actually try

00:21:23.260 to get it done after you've gone through that anxiety like then it is too late what i'll say is

00:21:28.740 like try to disconnect your feelings and go into execution mode maybe you can't get it all done

00:21:36.320 but stewing about it is not going to change anything so focus on okay what is the most pressing

00:21:44.260 uh like what is something what is the thing that is most important that is also very time sensitive

00:21:51.760 let's work on that right now right um where in in the case of school you know usually what i look at

00:21:59.520 is okay this area of this topic let's say in biochemistry i feel like i've got this down pretty

00:22:05.680 good i'm struggling here now i could i'm at 95 here i could put more time in and get to 100 or i could

00:22:13.420 go over to this thing where i'm at 60 put in the same amount of time maybe i get to 80 that's a

00:22:18.360 bigger gain right so i'm gonna look at where my deficiencies are and the other thing too is like

00:22:23.640 honestly and i i've never went to med school i again i was a phd research scientist but

00:22:29.460 man i i i got my money's worth out of my professors like i was at their door asking questions you know

00:22:37.160 and if not them then the teacher's assistants like you're paying a lot of money to be in med school

00:22:43.860 those people should be supporting you so if you need help go get help get in a study group that's

00:22:50.100 another thing i did like being involved with study groups that helped me a lot because just

00:22:54.260 conversating with people and it's kind of like lifting have you ever gone in for lifting and um

00:23:00.140 like i'm trying to show somebody how to squat i can explain to squat five different ways of whatever

00:23:05.220 way on the fifth way of me giving them that cue it clicks right sometimes explaining you know in

00:23:12.060 because they're obviously a scientist if they're in med school explaining a mechanism in a different

00:23:16.560 way or just hearing somebody else repeat it back to you for whatever reason all of a sudden it clicks

00:23:21.440 so i think being involved in study groups is a great idea the other thing i'll say i think

00:23:27.200 because when i was at every level i was like man this is overwhelming this overwhelming this

00:23:33.940 overwhelming now i look at like okay owning you know either owning or having a piece of four different

00:23:38.620 businesses um that include over you know 20 30 employees um and having two kids one of whom is

00:23:46.060 special needs and then like a bunch of other stuff i'm doing competing like if i write it all down

00:23:52.580 i'm like oh man you know but i have gotten to the point where i can manage that over time

00:24:00.060 because i built that resilience and when i look back at what used to overwhelm me when i was doing

00:24:06.640 my phd i'm like oh that's nothing compared to now you know but you you can't acclimate to it you

00:24:12.720 acclimate to yes that's people think there's like this like i used to think this that there was like

00:24:17.160 a defined amount of willpower and now psychologists have debunked this so like there's really there's no

00:24:22.120 limit on this but there probably is a limit at the moment in time where you're at because you have

00:24:28.100 it's like progressive overload for life the more difficult stuff you do and get through the more

00:24:32.980 difficult stuff you can do and get through and so what i'll say is you may feel overwhelmed i'm not

00:24:42.940 saying your overwhelm isn't real but your feelings will lie to you try to go into execution mode just focus

00:24:49.160 on moving your feet forward with whatever you can do and getting support where you need it and

00:24:56.940 here's the one other thing that i think a lot of people need to hear you can't prioritize everything

00:25:02.360 all at the same time people talk a lot about life balance okay i think over the course of your entire

00:25:08.220 life you should have a balance between work life family friends but at any one cross section of time

00:25:17.180 you are going to be unbalanced in some direction correct right when i was in grad school i was

00:25:23.400 lifting and grad school and that was pretty much it there wasn't a whole lot of time for socializing i

00:25:28.380 did a little bit but it was pretty rare right but i that was fine with me because i knew what i was

00:25:33.560 there for right then when i got out of grad school i was you know biased towards you know competing

00:25:39.100 um and my businesses and then when my kids were born i was more biased towards like

00:25:44.780 this shifts over time and i think a lot of people get anxiety because they feel like they should be

00:25:51.460 able to prioritize it all at once and listen we're all about like hey good nutrition training but hey

00:25:56.880 while you're in med school maybe you're just trying to maintain what you have right like you're getting

00:26:01.260 in two times a week because right now you have to focus on this because this is the priority because

00:26:06.060 you're probably spending three four hundred thousand dollars to be there right if that's

00:26:09.280 really important to you right right so pick your priorities and realize not everything can be a

00:26:15.580 priority at the same time yeah dude i like all that i i especially like the part that you talk about

00:26:21.740 acclimation because when you first start something new you know he said it's only been a month

00:26:29.600 it's no different than we were talking about the cold plunge in the locker room all right the first

00:26:35.680 time you get in some cold water it doesn't have to be a cold plunge it could be a cold swimming pool

00:26:39.360 if this swimming pool could be you know 75 degrees and you get in you're like oh this is cold 10 minutes

00:26:45.300 later you're splashing around like an idiot and you don't even notice it all right and this is how

00:26:50.360 your skill set and stress management will work over the course of your life you are overwhelmed now

00:26:57.020 because this level of load is new to you now and the best thing that you could do is not to go

00:27:03.600 listen to one of these hippie motherfuckers on the internet about balance the best thing you could do

00:27:08.620 no for real the best dude i'm just being honest man balance like you're gonna dude these these kids

00:27:14.280 now they see these motherfuckers out here fucking kids bro in the van traveling the world living

00:27:19.720 those motherfuckers gonna be broke in 10 years bro like you don't i've already seen this i've seen

00:27:24.260 what those people end up becoming you guys think that shit's new because it's not new the same

00:27:30.560 thing was when i was a kid like there was still those people like when i was out hustling when i

00:27:35.320 was building my business and they were telling me bro you're working way too hard you need to live

00:27:40.260 your life you need some balance you need this you need that and now these same motherfuckers are

00:27:44.740 asking me for a fucking job okay so i fucking know exactly what the fuck that's about like real talk

00:27:49.880 i've experienced it my life it's not new so when you're overwhelmed and you have the propensity or

00:27:56.620 you know the inclination to read some of this shit on the internet that says oh i need to get some

00:28:04.100 balance and then you go away from the overwhelm what you're doing is you're deconditioning yourself

00:28:10.220 to handle the load that you need to be able to handle so you're only prolonging the pain so the

00:28:15.660 reality is is you should lean into the overwhelm learn how to handle it and you will acclimate to

00:28:21.000 it and what will happen as you acclimate to it you become more effective and more efficient and then

00:28:25.360 some time opens up all right you start to have more time for other things and so when we talk about

00:28:31.000 you know how to handle these difficult situations we've got to be real you're not equipped to handle

00:28:37.840 that yet you're just not equipped and it's day one bro this is build mode like when you start a

00:28:43.020 business i just had this talk with one of my teams yesterday this is build mode and build mode

00:28:49.640 it is 24 fucking seven that's the way it fucking works if you want to build something all right and

00:28:55.060 you're trying to build a life you're trying to build a medical career we need good doctors all right

00:28:59.820 it's important that you see this through so my advice would be lean into this give it another six

00:29:05.620 months and what will happen is you're going to look back and be like man i can't believe i thought it

00:29:10.180 was that hard yeah you know and that's how it'll end up being like if this was three years from now

00:29:14.600 and you're asking this question okay maybe there's some issues with efficiency one thing that i i want

00:29:19.600 to point out man because i think it's so important that i've learned just you know since i've been with

00:29:24.820 you but more importantly than the last couple of weeks man it's like you know i think so often people

00:29:30.980 when they're getting into something and they start getting these these feelings whether it's anxiety

00:29:36.360 whether whatever it is they look at them as if like these are problems and these are reasons why

00:29:41.820 i should not be doing this when the reality is you're doing this this is what comes with this

00:29:47.780 dude this is how it's supposed to be absolutely bro let me ask you something and i'm at this

00:29:53.140 hypothetical for everybody listening tell me one good thing in your life that came without stress and

00:29:59.100 anxiety that exists it does not exist and when you feel the highest pressure the highest stress

00:30:05.320 and the highest anxiety when you're in the pursuit of something greater it's a good indication that

00:30:10.980 you're actually on the right path it's a position that you want to actually be in because once you

00:30:16.560 push through this time of extreme stress pressure and anxiety on the other side is the fucking promised

00:30:22.840 land that you've been looking for that nobody else ever gets to because the minute that they get

00:30:27.500 into that pressure stress and anxiety they read some bullshit on the internet and they go live in a

00:30:32.820 fucking van like that's what we're talking about here you're not it's a universal set dude we've all

00:30:40.240 heard it it's always darkest before the what the dawn before the dawn you have to push through the hard

00:30:47.740 to get to the place you're trying to get to and this is just a fundamental reality and we have so many

00:30:53.600 people on the internet trying to convince people that they found some other way okay so you're the first

00:31:00.060 person in 12 000 years of documented human history to find another way around this man dude you should

00:31:08.500 be the richest motherfucker on the planet then like you should you should you should have more money

00:31:12.960 than elon musk because you found it you have found the way to live your whole life free and easy and

00:31:20.120 pain-free and stress-free and anxiety-free and still fucking win like you found it bro congratulations

00:31:26.800 you're being the history book he doesn't have strong opinions about this i just i actually just gave a

00:31:33.360 talk like my talk at university of missouri yesterday was was kind of on this and i i called it i love to

00:31:39.740 relate things to lifting okay because obviously like something i'm passionate about but you're pretty

00:31:44.920 fucking good at it too thank you be real it's like progressive overload for life yeah right so if i like

00:31:51.040 my best ever squat was a 668 pound squat right if i went in the gym the first time it's all right

00:31:56.720 it's a little light if i if i went to the gym the first time and tried to do that what's going to

00:32:01.760 happen it's going to crumble you right even after if you couldn't even walk it out right even after a

00:32:06.940 few years it's going to crush me yeah right like and this guy he's been in school for a while he did

00:32:11.220 his undergrad obviously and now he's getting crushed it's like bro you're just not used to it yet yeah but

00:32:16.600 so even a 500 pound squat gonna crush me first time right but what happens and i it's funny i tell

00:32:22.580 people this like even though i can squat you know 600 plus pounds now 500 pounds doesn't feel any

00:32:28.680 different on my back it still feels heavy i just got better at handling it yes that's the only

00:32:34.280 difference yes okay 500 pounds is still 500 fucking pounds exactly and so henry rollins has a great

00:32:40.840 quote about that yeah it's always the way yeah and so this it should feel hard it's going to feel

00:32:48.900 hard but you're going to get better at handling it so just i love this is lifting term but just stay in

00:32:53.720 the pocket yeah you know what i mean sit in that discomfort stay in the pocket keep showing up you're

00:32:58.680 describing something that i describe in a different way so so i describe when people ask me like what is

00:33:04.320 success success is the commitment to the pursuit of your ultimate potential and the reason it's not

00:33:11.980 the pursuit of your ultimate potential or the realization of your ultimate potential is because

00:33:17.380 your ultimate potential can never actually be realized because of what you how you explain

00:33:22.400 progressive overload for life when you go out and you set out to do anything in life whether that be

00:33:28.780 lifting weights or building a business or anything else you have x amount of potential because you

00:33:35.380 have x skill set but as you go down the path and you get crumbled by the weight a few times and you get

00:33:42.360 back up and you put it back on your back and you do a few more reps what happens is is your hypothetical

00:33:48.920 skill set for life because that's what we're talking about here not weights gets stronger and more equipped

00:33:55.580 and when you have better skill set for life your potential on the back end expands okay so when

00:34:03.420 you think about this and you think about like where you want to be long term you have to understand that

00:34:11.340 where you want to be long term as you are right now will not be where you want to be long term in

00:34:18.200 five years from now because you're gonna you're gonna open up a whole new potential because of the skill

00:34:23.480 set that you gained during this five-year journey of hard shit and so that's how true real massive

00:34:32.360 great things are built in life is by consistently raising the bar before you get to the bar because

00:34:38.500 you're recognizing that your skill set is improved your potential is greater and still committing to

00:34:44.900 pursuing it even though you understand that you'll never actually realize it so this is this is the way

00:34:51.000 that like the people who build the biggest shit who who live the fullest lives who do the most shit

00:34:57.260 over the course of their life who become the people who shape the culture and change the world this is

00:35:03.200 how they see the world and this is how they operate they're raising the bar before they get to the bar

00:35:07.760 because they understand that their capabilities have expanded and i think um you cannot even have a an idea

00:35:15.960 of how capable you could possibly be in a few years if you continue to develop those skills yeah because

00:35:20.920 again like i remember it's light years right yeah i remember you know hitting my first 400 pound squat and

00:35:27.520 feeling how heavy that was and i could never have a and that's after that was after six seven years of

00:35:35.140 lifting yeah could never have fathomed the 668 pound squat right but six months before i hit that 668 pound

00:35:42.980 squat well i could fathom it you know i could taste it yeah you know but it's it had to be grown over

00:35:48.680 time and again go through a lot of hard stuff and i think the other thing people in this situation you

00:35:56.000 mentioned it like they go into something they get knocked down or they come up against that stress

00:36:00.840 that anxiety they feel like something's wrong no no you're right where you need to be

00:36:04.020 and the question is i tell people i truly believe the only reason people quit on stuff they're

00:36:11.480 passionate about is to protect their ego because they go what if i put everything into this and it

00:36:20.860 doesn't work out no no no if you don't put everything into it it's not going to work that's

00:36:25.640 right go all in like go all in for that that what if question that what if that exact what if

00:36:32.640 question costs almost every motherfucker their entire dreams in life yep and the other thing

00:36:38.000 i'll tell people this is kind of a separate topic but i'll say over planning paralysis by analysis and

00:36:44.160 perfectionism has killed more dreams than failure ever could failure is a great teacher and like

00:36:51.320 there's so many people it's the only real teacher bro yeah and i i gave a talk in canada and i was

00:36:59.740 kind of like i just thought of this on the spot i i said you know what when i was doing my phd i got

00:37:05.840 to the point where i almost got put on probation from the program i was so um despondent and i was

00:37:11.440 actually making pretty good money at the time from coaching i'm like i don't need this aggravation

00:37:15.800 you know and i remember having this like this internal talk of man i could put everything in this

00:37:22.040 maybe i won't maybe i won't get it and i i just remember thinking yeah but let's find out yeah

00:37:27.260 and i that was that became the talk was like let's find out right maybe not but let's find out and i

00:37:33.320 promise you even if you don't get that the resilience you will acquire from actually putting in the work

00:37:40.360 and giving it your all is going to translate into something else and i what was crazy is um the guys who

00:37:49.520 organized the seminar they started sending me texts like four different people got let's find out

00:37:53.840 tattooed on them after that after that seminar but it's like yeah you you you if you're going to try

00:38:01.340 something hard there's no other way than to really give it your all and but it's scary because it's

00:38:07.920 like what if i did give it at all and i just wasn't good enough at least you know dude that what if

00:38:13.800 question you know i've been in the personal development game for you know at a high level

00:38:18.560 for about 10 years and that question i think what if i do all this work and it doesn't work

00:38:28.280 i think that is the biggest fucking lie that's that people tell themselves in any way shape or form

00:38:36.120 ever about anything because i believe it's not even possible i believe that if you and i've seen this

00:38:44.320 i don't have a single case that i can point to and say here's the exception to this rule i'm not a single

00:38:50.880 one if you do the work the result will come you may not become exactly what you wanted to become like

00:39:00.960 let's say i want to become lebron james all right i'm not becoming lebron james because i'm not 6 8

00:39:07.020 all right and i'm not the level of athlete that that man is but if i wanted to become pretty good

00:39:12.080 at basketball i could probably get pretty good at basketball if i showed up every day and i did my

00:39:17.720 drills and shot my free throws and did my three uh my three pointers and did my dribbles and did all

00:39:23.340 this shit in five ten years i'm pretty fucking good that's reality okay same thing with you

00:39:30.860 over here with jiu-jitsu you're a new guy at jiu-jitsu so to speak if you give another five

00:39:36.260 years to jiu-jitsu dude there there could be no limit to where you go you could be the guy in the

00:39:41.100 ufc ring we don't know but this idea that that people do all this work and then somehow it like

00:39:49.580 doesn't create anything is a fucking lie it's not reality it's that's something that is told by our

00:39:56.640 loser friends or our loser parents or our loser teachers or people who don't know what the fuck

00:40:02.580 they're talking about that talk you out of just going down the path you have to go down the path

00:40:08.000 and and you have to go before you believe in it because the work will always come before the belief

00:40:14.600 all right after you do a little work and you start like you see a little bit of result you're

00:40:20.040 going to start saying wow just like you just explained lane wow did you come to my talk no but

00:40:25.880 this is real that's because this is reality and we're both realists that's the way okay this is

00:40:32.220 that's because this is how fucking works it's universal this ain't my shit this is just how the

00:40:36.020 fuck it works if you do the work you're going to get a little bit of result when you start to get a

00:40:41.540 little bit of result you start to say oh and it clicks and you're like okay i did this work i got a

00:40:47.400 little bit of result then you're like well fuck all right i'm gonna do a little bit more and then

00:40:51.820 you do a little bit more and you get a little more result and it clicks again and then all of a sudden

00:40:55.680 now you start to understand how the game works in reality and then you're all in and when you go all

00:41:00.860 in and you start going down the path with the belief that you can become whatever it is that you

00:41:04.880 can become your limits become literally uh limitless i love that two things you said walking the path

00:41:12.680 so that that gets into the like i tell people like just start executing yeah stop fucking

00:41:18.660 over analyzing this stuff and just start doing because if you're walking the path sure maybe you

00:41:24.960 stumble maybe you fall down but other paths will start to open up to you as well okay that you don't

00:41:30.360 even know exist yet when you're walking the path but if you never start you're not going to have those

00:41:34.820 opportunities and it's just the other thing that this made me think of was there's so many like

00:41:41.800 books and seminars on how to develop confidence i i can tell you what develops confidence in 10

00:41:49.540 seconds do attempt really hard shit go through really stressful times where you don't think

00:41:58.380 you're going to make it and keep going that's what develops confidence because when you've been

00:42:03.480 through some shit and got through it you go but the next time life punches you in the face you go

00:42:09.360 okay maybe i'm maybe i'm i'm not going to stay down i can get through like the stuff i've been

00:42:15.500 through in the last five years if that had happened to me when i was 20 oh dude no fucking way you know

00:42:20.600 what i mean it would break me but i mean it's again progressive overload for life right the only way

00:42:28.220 you can develop true confidence is to attempt hard stuff run up against the obstacles get through those

00:42:34.940 and i can tell you whenever you like you and me you and i've talked about this when i think about

00:42:40.940 the accomplishments that i've gotten i don't sit there and look at the trophies i don't sit there and

00:42:46.880 look at the degree that's not what i think about what i think about is the really hard shit i went through

00:42:53.080 to get to it that's what i remember fondly if you just have everything go right and get something

00:42:59.220 it's going to be like you know uh dave ramsey has a saying you eat enough lobster it tastes like soap

00:43:04.080 right yeah that's that's because and the same reason why people who win the lottery are broke in

00:43:10.660 five years because you didn't have to go through anything it did life didn't teach you none of those

00:43:16.400 skill sets that you gain that you would gain during the normal path were acquired exactly right

00:43:23.160 it's easy come easy go exactly love that man that's some true shit some more of the bargain

00:43:27.640 no that's some true shit what you're saying about ramsey said too about like people don't realize

00:43:34.640 that like when you when you you acclimate to anything oh yeah okay so like all right and i'm

00:43:41.120 not saying this to be an asshole but like i could eat whatever the fuck i want every single day all

00:43:45.080 right and like not saying calorie wise but i'm talking quality wise sure all right like if i wanted to

00:43:50.080 eat the best fucking steak for dinner that the world has to offer every single fucking night of

00:43:55.420 my life i could and in fact i did that for a while you know what started happening i started not

00:44:02.040 appreciating it and so i told emily i said don't get those steaks anymore go back to the regular steaks

00:44:08.020 because my friends used to sell me send me these like gourmet steaks i forget where they're from they're

00:44:12.580 from new york and um i fucking loved them so much i started ordering them they were expensive as fuck but

00:44:18.000 i didn't give a shit right like this is what the fuck i work for i'm gonna eat fucking the best

00:44:21.640 steaks ever right and i got so used to eating them that like i was like this is it like this is it

00:44:29.160 and so dude i intentionally went back to like just getting the regular shit from the grocery store

00:44:34.260 because i wanted to be able to appreciate the good steak when i had a good steak and so we have to

00:44:40.080 be aware of these things in our lives that we become so accustomed to even the good things and

00:44:45.560 sometimes intentionally make things hard so that we can keep our edge and keep our appreciation our

00:44:50.440 gratitude for the the really truly good things in life you have to reset that yeah yeah and i i like

00:44:56.540 i've i told people like i'm you know i do well for myself and i'm very grateful that it's been a step

00:45:02.580 wise 20 year process and i didn't just hit it big really quickly yeah because there's just been

00:45:09.420 little things along the way where it's i remember like the first time i had a hundred dollar bottle of

00:45:14.280 wine yeah i'm like oh this is cool yeah you know like i still got to have those little wins whereas

00:45:19.920 like you know if you have it come quick i mean you can blow your wand you know you can punch that

00:45:25.320 dopamine out pretty quick yeah you know what i mean and uh it doesn't mean anything anymore right

00:45:30.220 exactly and so again no matter what you make what your job is whatever um it's going to come down to

00:45:39.440 none of that's going to make you happy it's feeling like what you do has value and that

00:45:46.740 your work has meaning to me yeah and so like don't get me wrong i want to make a lot of money

00:45:53.520 i want a whole boatload of it you know but i know that that's not going to make me happy all that's

00:45:59.100 going to do is give me an opportunity to buy some of my time back to do more of the stuff i like to do

00:46:02.360 guys andy we got one final question this is this is a good one um andy i'm 18 years old

00:46:12.740 and i was raised in a single parent household by my mother she did her best to guide me but i have

00:46:19.720 massive anxiety when it comes to feeling prepared as a man never met my father no real desire to

00:46:26.720 either but i've never really had any real man figures to learn from um i see a lot of men online

00:46:33.220 who i feel i can learn from but i don't necessarily connect uh with the macho macho cut down trees

00:46:39.760 mentality that they define a man of having um what are your thoughts on this i would love your insight

00:46:46.360 well first of all you know i think it's important to recognize that just because you didn't grow up with

00:46:55.900 a father doesn't mean that you can't be a great father or a great dad or a great man all right

00:47:00.160 that's that's that's the first thing in fact the likelihood of someone who's grown up with a shitty

00:47:06.340 dad or as a shitty father figure to actually be a good father figure and a good dad is much higher

00:47:12.100 than someone who grew up with a good one because it's no different than someone who grows up rich

00:47:17.240 and then uh it's generational wealth situation right where you have the the the founders and they do

00:47:23.620 very well they build something from scratch then their kids come in and they fuck it up they become

00:47:28.080 poor then they have kids and those kids don't want to be like their parents so they work very hard so

00:47:32.780 you have this like every other generation type situation and i've seen this over and over again

00:47:38.900 with people who grew up without a dad who decide that they want to be a great dad in fact that's you

00:47:45.040 all right um my father too yeah and and so you should see that want and that desire that you have

00:47:53.700 inside to be a good man as a tremendous asset to your life because a lot of people take it for granted

00:48:00.080 and they don't even think along those lines so you were gifted with something that like a lot of people

00:48:05.540 aren't really ever going to have so recognize that to start that's a big deal okay because if you want

00:48:10.940 to be great you have to have the will and want to be great and you can't have the will or want to be

00:48:16.100 great unless you can recognize that there's something that needs to change and you've been gifted with

00:48:19.820 that perspective and i would see that as a gift not as a not as a disadvantage so that's the first

00:48:25.620 thing the second thing is you know when it comes down to this uh cut your tree down you know masculinity

00:48:33.380 man i i understand yeah dude i get that too like because that's you know it's it's way overcooked

00:48:38.860 right um you know we have we have a lot of really dumb shit out there when it comes to being a good

00:48:44.760 man you know um i think this person your gut of who you connect with and who you recognize to be a

00:48:52.600 good strong solid man example is probably going to be the right person to follow uh we have good gut

00:48:59.020 instincts naturally especially when we apply our own perspective that whether we're aware of that

00:49:04.500 perspective or not aware of it we understand okay this makes sense to me this sounds good to me this

00:49:10.140 looks good to me it passes the sniff test and you should be able to you know um recognize that and

00:49:18.680 there's nothing wrong with saying like this isn't for me because dude i gotta be real with you like

00:49:22.760 there's a lot of this masculinity shit going around and while i agree that masculinity is very

00:49:28.000 important i think that it's misrepresented by a lot of the masculinity figures out here um

00:49:34.320 maybe even me sometimes you know uh you know i curse a lot you know i do have a beard i work out

00:49:41.420 you know like i you know but i don't sell myself as that that's not yeah that's not my brand makes

00:49:46.840 me a man but like yeah but like dude i see this with people in their content right like people will

00:49:51.200 try to replicate my level of content or my style of content not recognizing that that's authentically who

00:49:56.060 the fuck i am right so we have to be authentic as well so my advice here if like dude if you really

00:50:03.120 want to look at like who a good man is without this overly like look at my brother like look at my

00:50:08.820 brother sal you should follow my brother sal like he's a dad he's a husband he works his ass off

00:50:13.700 there isn't a person i know that works fucking harder than him and he's a ethically grounded

00:50:19.000 moral person with high fucking standards for the people around him and he does the right thing he

00:50:24.760 helps people out uh he doesn't let people take advantage of him he's he has boundaries i mean

00:50:30.180 like when i think of a like a good example it's really hard for me to find one that i would recommend

00:50:35.800 more than him and that's you know that's coming from somebody who's watched it materialize and i'm not

00:50:42.500 saying that because he's my brother i'm saying that because it's the truth um but you know all in all

00:50:48.820 man here's the reality be a good person work to be the best that you can work hard do the right

00:50:55.380 thing treat people right pick people up do good things for people live the code you know what i'm

00:51:00.820 saying do do onto others what you would want done onto you even when they don't do onto you the way

00:51:06.860 that you would expect them to you know there's there's these are basic things these are have high

00:51:12.760 integrity you know when you fuck up like we talked about earlier own it and say hey i fucked up that's my

00:51:17.820 bad right all of these qualities make up what i believe a true masculine man to be and i think

00:51:25.180 it's misrepresented and kind of overcompensated right now because we've spent the last 20 years

00:51:31.840 demasculating men you know what i'm saying like other than that yeah we've been making trying to make

00:51:37.000 men feminine in reality is they have they've put atrazine in the tap water and they've worked to put

00:51:42.620 chemicals into food that reduce natural testosterone production like they're it's a scientific reality

00:51:48.380 that the average testosterone of a young man now is much less than it was 25 years ago so these are

00:51:54.380 things that have been intentionally removed from society through you know whether it be uh food or

00:52:01.980 chemicals or social movements such as the me too movement or the feminist movement or any of these

00:52:07.760 movements that have basically villainized men for being men toxic masculinity right we've been the

00:52:13.680 enemy for a long fucking time now so it's very important to recognize and realize that we're

00:52:20.600 overcompensating some on the back end right now and some of this shit that you see out here like you

00:52:25.280 don't have to go uh you don't have to be a bow hunter you don't have to be someone who walks through

00:52:30.360 the woods with a fucking axe or a chainsaw like you don't have to pose real hard in your pictures like

00:52:35.760 bro you you it's real simple like be a provider be a protector be a man of honor be a man of truth

00:52:42.740 be a good friend like these are simple things man give a fuck about people give a fuck about what's

00:52:48.220 going on that to me when i look at men that is more masculine to me than some dude with a fucking

00:52:54.880 beard and an axe pretending like he's some sort of hard ass yeah yeah i mean i think the the point i

00:53:01.160 would make is like just try to be a good person yeah in general i think you know everybody has their

00:53:05.280 own definition of what masculinity is and like a friend of the family that i grew up with i would

00:53:13.040 consider a very masculine person he was never loud he was never boisterous um you know but he had a

00:53:19.860 quiet confidence about him and i'm not saying you have to be quiet either because i'm not you know

00:53:23.820 no but that's masculine as well yeah so kind of like just i think the confidence of like stepping

00:53:29.020 into who you are yeah um and then i would say you know being able to lead you know and and make hard

00:53:38.020 decisions and like you said having good boundaries like being empathetic and being able to like be

00:53:45.180 soft when you need to be soft but also be a protector when you need to be a protector you know

00:53:48.980 those sorts of things and i think that's a hard balance to walk you know and i think it's pretty rare

00:53:54.080 but i think it's more about being a good person than just like the idea of being the right kind

00:54:01.040 of masculinity right but the fact that this kid is asking this question it means he's aware of it

00:54:05.180 he's gonna be okay yeah right exactly the aware doing self-introspective you know you're already

00:54:10.320 asking the hard questions so many people in life when bad stuff happens to them they just start they

00:54:16.100 immediately start pointing fingers because they can't take the the internal stuff i've been there

00:54:21.220 you know yeah we've all gone through um and so you know like it was like when i was getting ready

00:54:26.800 to be a dad i was like you know i'm worried about being a good dad and somebody said that's why you're

00:54:30.540 going to be you know yeah yeah dude the awareness creates the action that's needed to become right

00:54:35.980 yeah and i mean like you know i'll use a quote from my friend john deloney and how important it is to

00:54:42.400 have i mean having good fathers um because what i'm gonna butcher the quote but john's quote was

00:54:52.860 uh generational trauma is like a wildfire that rolls downhill and burns everything in its path until

00:54:59.740 one brave soul stands up and says not on my watch sorry i'm getting choked up thinking about it because

00:55:06.100 my dad um my dad uh his father was absent abandoned his family um he had abusive stepfathers um all of

00:55:16.140 his brothers you know had all kinds of issues um and my dad isn't perfect by any stretch but he you know

00:55:22.700 like he spanked me a couple times we never like actually put his hands on me as we would call it

00:55:26.800 and he was a great dad you know and he it was literally down to him he said you know i just decided

00:55:33.220 that i was going to be everything that my father wasn't yeah and i think the people that

00:55:37.500 that are actually able to make the difference it boils down to victim mentality versus accountability

00:55:44.420 i i can control how this happens like my story isn't written you can change right now in fact one

00:55:53.860 of my favorite quotes is when robert downey jr was on oprah all right this is years ago i got this out of

00:55:59.620 motivational video i saw and he's he was talking about his drug addiction and he said um you know

00:56:06.880 it's not that hard to get past all these seemingly ghastly problems in your life and oprah interrupted

00:56:16.780 him and was like wait you're saying it's not that hard he goes no what's hardest to decide because

00:56:23.300 you have to become somebody different like when when something gets so ingrained in who you are

00:56:30.160 even though you may know it's not good for you it's not who you want to be there's so much comfort

00:56:38.080 in what you know the human brain is wired to like basically hedge all your bets right it's not wired to

00:56:48.480 reach necessarily and so whenever even if you know i could have a better life things would be different

00:56:55.740 i would like who i am more it is so hard to get past the idea of being something different of doing

00:57:03.220 something different and um what one of the things i said on i think on huberman's podcast i said you

00:57:10.460 cannot i'm talking about like weight loss but this applies to anything you cannot become a different

00:57:17.380 person or the person you want to be while dragging all your old habits and behaviors behind you

00:57:23.240 and um ethan suplee you guys know either um he has dude yeah he has a phrase whenever he puts up a

00:57:31.260 picture from the gym he said i killed my clone today and if you talk to people who were addicts

00:57:38.720 or people who made drastic life changes you know their skills there are there are not tricks but you

00:57:46.940 know there's certain things that are evidence-based to do but at a certain point it just boils down to

00:57:52.320 you make a decision that this is not going to be like this anymore and it doesn't mean that you never

00:57:56.860 slip up again it doesn't mean that you don't you know screw up here and there but for the most part

00:58:01.540 you walk the path of being the person you want to be and if i think about the only times i've

00:58:07.800 really struggled with like truly feeling bad about who i was is when my actions were not in alignment

00:58:16.560 with the person i wanted to be and so like you get to make a choice every day about who is the person

00:58:25.580 i want to be and that boils down to on a grand scale it is the summation of little choices you make

00:58:33.900 every day and i'll tell everybody like listen again we talked about it like nobody's perfect

00:58:39.180 but be really careful about the small things that you let slide it is so easy this is coming from

00:58:47.540 somebody um and i don't mind talking about who had an affair okay first it started out as like

00:58:53.960 oh it's just nice to get some attention you know it wasn't like oh i didn't want that to happen

00:58:59.140 but i slowly like eroded what my hard boundary was yeah and eventually you wind up in a place where

00:59:08.200 you go how the fuck did that happen well i know how it happened this was my line i said you know that

00:59:15.080 lines it's okay you know no it's not okay that's right so having your i think again like getting back

00:59:22.380 to masculinity and ethics again nobody's perfect but having your mind like

00:59:30.600 and having kids now this really changes it would i want my daughter to grow up married to a guy like

00:59:40.060 me would i want my son to grow up to be someone like me and now i need to retroactively think about

00:59:47.700 how am i going to handle these situations with that being my mindset yeah and you know again i'm

00:59:55.220 not perfect and i still screw stuff up but that has been a little bit of a game changer in terms of

01:00:02.140 how i approach things yeah i got two things on this uh the first thing i would say is um again great

01:00:09.960 great being aware like you mentioned this was my life this was my my you and i have talked about

01:00:15.520 this a hundred times plenty of times and i think for me one thing that i kind of had to that i adapted

01:00:20.700 quickly with my perception of the world was that you know i i wasn't able to lean on what i didn't

01:00:27.300 know i leaned on what i knew right and i used the opposite meaning you know i didn't know what a good

01:00:32.460 dad looked like i knew what a bad one looked like so just don't do that right like when it came to

01:00:38.580 and that goes with anything i just was able to use the opposite but i would say this like

01:00:42.320 you know when it comes to being authentic you know you don't have to go chop down trees but you

01:00:49.060 should have the capacity to do it you don't have to be a violent person walking through mad every

01:00:53.760 single day but you should have the ability to be violent right like you you have to learn all of

01:00:58.220 these skills and i think as a man that's one of the most important things is being able to put on

01:01:02.400 these different hats metaphorical hats and being able to do that when you need to do that yeah like

01:01:08.160 if you have to be a protector be that right there in that moment if you have to be violent and handle

01:01:12.680 business be able to do it right um and to me that i mean that that's my biggest thing i think it's

01:01:18.180 great i mean being being that young i think i was probably around that same age when i started like

01:01:22.560 thinking about okay well shit like how old did he say was he's 18 okay now i think i was about the

01:01:27.080 same age when i was like okay well who am i supposed to be you know who you're supposed to be you

01:01:31.680 yeah and it's gonna take some time to get there yeah they're like knowing like knowing who you are

01:01:37.900 internally and then making sure the external manifests that you know just thinking about

01:01:41.800 what you said i remember what is the old chinese or japanese proverb which is better to be a warrior

01:01:47.040 in a garden than a gardener in a war right that's real shit man it's real well guys andy lane that was

01:01:53.860 three yeah hey lane thank you so much for coming on the show again bro thanks for having me yeah

01:01:59.180 welcome anytime it's always great to see you um i thought the show was great i appreciate your

01:02:05.300 input and advice i'm sure everybody else did as well uh where can people follow you at if they're

01:02:09.800 not following you so far yeah so i mean social media is kind of my digital business card uh at bio

01:02:15.500 lane is where you can find me on most platforms and then my website biolane.com has all my stuff on

01:02:21.100 there and then like you know my nutritional coaching app carbon diet coach um for people who are

01:02:27.260 looking for like really affordable nutritional help um but i you know i do the whole gamut in the

01:02:33.240 fitness industry so whatever you need help with uh one of my companies or one of my products can help

01:02:39.580 you there you go all right guys well that's the show don't forget to pay the fee and uh don't be a

01:02:46.100 sure the show went from sleeping on the floor now my jewelry box froze fuck a pole fuck a stove counted

01:02:53.360 millions in the code bad bitch booted swole got her on bankroll can't fold that's a no headshot case closed

REAL AF with Andy Frisella - September 18, 2023

575. Q&AF Ft. Layne Norton, PhD： Forgiving Others, Feeling Overwhelmed & Being A Man

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